Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt II

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Mouse. Hi. Hello, Fun Mouse. Today we have part two of quickly becoming our favorite prompt, Foreign Object in Butt. We've yet to hear one that's not fantastic. They're so good. And this one, there was some blood in one. Blood. Blood warning. There's sadness. Yeah, there's humiliation. There's like a tenderness to one of the stories. And then there's some hilarity, as you would expect. There's no female president, Barbie's up the button this one, thank goodness, for once. Right. But every other conceivable option is there.

0:43Yeah. As you'll hear, please enjoy Foreign Objects in Butt Part 2. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them both. But one thing you gotta know. I'm looking for a shiny. Is it connecting audio? Can you hear us? Give me a thumbs up if you can hear us. And don't panic. Everyone has problems. Panic. Don't panic. Well, now you guys can probably hear me. We can. Now we can hear you. You seem to be in a little person's bedroom. My daughter, she is five years old. And she turned six, January 31st. My birthday was yesterday and my wife was on the second. So happy belated birthday, Dax.

1:38Wow. She's a J2C. Also, you guys are two days apart, three days apart? Three days apart, yeah. I find that to be very rare. Am I the only one that thinks that? I've never thought about that. Couples generally are not, in my experience, anecdotally. She is 16 years older than me. So I think that kind of plays a part in it. We are an age gap family. Good for her. Oh my God, you were a sweet 16 birthday present to her. and then it just came late. Yep, that's how it worked. Also, she's a baller. Way to get a young chick. Yeah, she actually got her driver's license on the day that I was born. Oh my God.

2:15But she's a hottie. You wouldn't know that she was that much older than me. She's beautiful. Wait, how old is she? Are she and I the same age? I am 44. So she just turned 60. Okay. Nice. Okay, tell us about the foreign object in a butt. Okay, so I went to Georgia Southern University. And when I graduated, I was having a hard time finding a job. So I started working for a trucking company and my dad was not happy. He was like, I want you to be a teacher. I want you to do something that you can fall back on. So I decided to go to nursing. I went to a two year school. I'm not going to tell you which state it is in, but there ranges from 18 years old to like 50 people going back to school.

2:58And I was so not wanting to do this in the first place, but I get into the program and I have most of my math and science and all that stuff done. They do clinicals. Okay. So in these clinical rotations, you start with geriatrics, then you go to med surgery, progress. Wait, can I ask an inappropriate question? Yeah. Do you start with geriatrics? Cause they're expendable. Like if you fuck up, they're already at the end. I think most of it is because it weeds out. You're wiping so many butts and you're taking out garbage and you're doing a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily do as an RN, but you do need to know how to do it and you really should do it.

3:36So it kind of warms you up. But my second rotation, which is the first in a hospital is at this low income area. The very first day they have us come in at five o 'clock in the morning and you don't actually technically start until 7 a.m. But because it's the first day, you have to go through orientation and they're telling you about OSHA and HIPAA and all that kind of stuff. And they're very professional and say, hey, this is a low income area. You're going to have some people that come in with a earache and you're going to look in it and it's going to be a roach. It's going to be a spider. Oh, my God.

4:14That just made me so itchy. Monica just threw her headphones out and dug in her ear. I just felt like there was a real spider. Look in your cup for a mouse. Oh. Mice, bugs. Snake in your butt. Be careful. Oh, is that where this is going to go? No, thank God. And they're also like, hey, you're going to get all different kinds of patients. And it is what it is. This is not a fancy place. This is not going to be comfortable for you. So we go upstairs around 630 in the morning. We meet our nursing precept for the first time. There's five of us nursing students and they hand you your patient for the day.

4:48And it's your very first time. first time in scrubs. It's super uncomfortable. I don't know where anything is. Yeah. Are you excited or scared? I was panicked. So they hand you a patient and you only get one. It's your first day. They don't overwhelm you, but it is still overwhelming. You're getting their patient history. You're getting their medications. You're getting all the information that you need to know about this person. And then you go sit down and you write down their medications and what the side effects are and all this stuff. So I'm watching all these people get their patients. and it's like one page.

5:19I have five pages of a medical history on a 83-year-old man. I start reading and I get to the final page and it's for an object near the cecum all the way up there. Wait, what's this cecum? It's been a long time, but I think there's like five levels to your intestines. Your first one is your sigmoid and then it kind of goes around and around and around and your cecum is pretty close to your appendix. Because I'm an older student, My brain doesn't go to, oh, this is something he swallowed. I automatically go, this is sexual. I get that a nurse has to deal with all this stuff. But as a student, I'm like, no, no, no.

6:00First step back. I knew it wasn't a joke, but I'm like, are they trying to fuck with us? So I go to the nursing precept and she doesn't know me. She looks at my name tag and she's like, Kristen, are you kidding me? It's your first time ever. And I was like, oh, okay. and I'm panicking because I'm like trying to do this for my parents. Oh no. So I go into the room for the very first time. He's laying down again, 83 years old. He looks completely healthy, but he's half asleep and he doesn't want me in the room. And the first thing that you do as a nurse when you go into a room is a head to toe assessment.

6:33And the last question I ask him is on a scale of one to 10, where are you at? And he goes, I have a bike handle up my ass. Oh, why would you ask me that question? He's pissed at me. And I was like, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable, let me know. And he's like, they already gave me my meds because he was in so much pain. They had given him meds overnight. So I end up going into his room over the next couple of hours and he warms up to me. He's just an older man that's grumpy, but he is like a grandpa. Anyone would be grumpy with a bike part up their ass probably.

7:11Yeah. I kind of agree with him when he said, why would you ask me that? I didn't know what it was. In his patient history, it just said foreign object near cecum. And then he warms up and he basically starts telling me every time I go in the room a little bit more about this story. So he ordered a magic bullet online. Do you know what I'm talking about? To hold cocaine in? I'm like, what? It's a vibrator. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. It was too small for him. So he decided to go to his bicycle, take the rubber handle off of it, and put the vibrator into it. To give it some girth? To fill it out. Right. So he takes it, puts it in the bike handle, it gets lost.

7:50Oh my God. He has a bicycle because he cannot drive. He either uses his bicycle or public transportation. Well, the hospital was too far for the bicycle. He was so embarrassed that he decided to wait until the battery died. Oh! What? Wow. Hold on. Let's just comprehend his - Hold on. So it's going off inside. He lost control of it. So I hope he at least had some enjoyment. I'm like, I wondered if while he's panicked, every now and then he's like letting in little rays of pleasure. And how long does a battery last with a vibrator? Mine lasts pretty long. Me too. But if it's going nonstop - Maybe four hours?

8:32I don't know. Rob asked chat how long a magic bullet - I'm going to take a couple of weeks off and I'll get back to you guys on a real fact check. So he had to wait till the battery died, got on public transportation, and basically the bike handle stopped and stayed in his sigmoid and the bullet just kept traveling. He had to have surgery and he ended up being just such a great patient that day. I did ask him because we ended up having this kind of relationship. I was like, why? You know, he said, my wife died 20 years ago. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. Okay. By the time they came in to get him for surgery, which was around 2 p.m.

9:14that day, the nursing precept realized that I had not been kidding and it was not appropriate for me to have that patient. And she was actually extremely nice to me going forward. So the experience of working at that hospital was awesome after that. I highly recommend not going to a low-income hospital if you don't have to, but the people were awesome. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It's a happy story because you made a friend. It's unfortunate for him, but one person's foreign object is another person's great start. You know what they say. But that was my very first day. Oh, wow. It definitely broke the ice as far as dealing with patients.

9:57Did you get home and immediately call your dad and tell him? A hundred percent. Yeah, of course. Of course. Like, okay, I did what you wanted me to do. And look where it led me. I'm digging in some old timers buns to find a magic bullet. Exactly. There's something also incredibly sweet about that story. I know, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I could see like an Alexander Payne movie where like there's an old timer. He starts at the store asking for a little bit shy to ask for the magic bullet. But the real story is about the friendship. Oh, well, Kristen. That's a great story. Yeah, we loved it.

10:29It's rare that these foreign objects in butt are life affirming. Make you feel happy and tingly. Yeah, give you warm fuzzies. I was happy to get to share. I'm a huge fan, Monica. You being from Duluth and my stepbrother and sister actually went to school with you. One of them graduated with you. What? Every time you bring up SCAD or you guys talk about the 5A. I played sports. And so, yes, they had five A's on the shirt. Thank you. Yeah. And that was back when it was five A. I don't know now that they have like six and seven. I don't know if they're fitting all that on, but I graduated in 99. Yes.

11:03I'm so glad you're here to affirm me. Well, this was so fun. So nice to meet you. Really nice meeting you, Kristen. Thank you guys so much. Have a great day. All right. Bye bye. Take care. Magic Bullet Vibrator runs on a single AAA battery and can last up to 4.5 hours. of continuous use. Did I guess four? Yeah, you said four. Yeah. Now you charge them. You don't have batteries. Well, no, there are still many that you put the thing in. The rechargeable one lasts 49 minutes to two hours. Okay, less. But what's nice about your kind is you can leave the charger cord on it. Exactly. So you can pull it out of your butt.

11:39No, but if it's too far up there, then it's just on. I know, but you got the cord attached. That's what I'm saying. Use it with the cord attached. And then if it gets up your butt, you can pull on the cord and bring it out. The cord comes out, but she's still up there. She.

12:11Hello. You were like a ghost. You were a star. I'm in the room that has a light activator. So I have to wave it on every couple of minutes. Oh, sure. Like those bathroom lights that go off. Yeah. You can't see me in the fort. And I know immediately you're a Monica super fan. There's a friend sweatshirt has been worn. I love it. It's a Chandler and Joey sweatshirt. Doing one of their silly boy things. And funny. Misunderstanding one another. What fake name are we going to go with? You guys can pick. Rachel. Oh, I'll take it. So you're Rachel. Besides unauthorized evacuation, this is our favorite prompt.

12:53It's a fun one. Do you know what we've, unfortunately, we've never had? And I doubt we ever will have unless Rachel is that lucky person. We've not had someone call that they themselves had a foreign object. I do want to hear from the horse's ass one of these times. Me too. I really would commend their bravery and vulnerability. And I would treat it very respectfully. Unless they put a presidential Barbie, then that would be tough. I will say this is not my only story of this. Oh, you lucky girl. Are you in the medical profession? I am. So I'm actually in PA school right now, but I am a surgical technologist.

13:35So I actually work on the ORN. So I'm kind of the person that they call after the mysterious item has failed to come out in the ER. Got it. Okay. Okay. You're really boots on the ground in this situation. I'm like elbows deep, literally. Oh, my. Oh, this is exciting. This is very exciting. This is great. To give you a little bit of background, I am a mom and I was trying to finish my bachelor's. So I was working a lot of nights and weekends, working the odd shifts. and that kind of requires me to do a little bit more. So I was actually helping run the front desk. So I get a lot of the phone calls.

14:13So this particular weekend, I have a surgeon on call and he's a new doctor. He's maybe been out of residency for like nine months, salt the earth, one of the most humble, kind surgeons I've ever met. I thought maybe he was gonna be super arrogant because he was new and he wanted to prove himself. Well, also all surgeons are arrogant. We've already discovered this. Yeah, they'll admit it to you. Yeah, they have a little bit, but I'm pretty fortunate. I work with a lot of really, really good people. And he was just the best and was so kind to all of his patients. So he's on call and he gives me a phone call and I answered at the front desk.

14:49And he's like, hey, I have an inguinal hernia downstairs and I just am waiting for the scan. And I said, okay, that sounds great. I'll get stuff ready. And inguinal hernias are a dime a dozen. we do them all the time where is that yeah where was the location of that hernia they're mostly in men because it's in your groin area oh there goes the light

15:19so they're kind of in the inguinal area because men's spermatic cord actually goes through your peritoneum so sometimes that hole can get bigger and things can get down in there so i'm kind of like regular case, no worries. And he calls me back and I'm like, we ready to go. Did you get the scan? And he was like, so I think I need to change the procedure. So I'm kind of thinking sometimes that can get down until the scrotal sack, maybe the testicle came up and he was like, no, no, there's something in there. And I said something in where? what pray tell he's like there's something in them and i don't think they know that it's there oh no he was like i'm just gonna come up and i'm just gonna show it to you part of my job is anticipating the supplies that we need because i scrub in and i help them so i kind of need to know what's going on so that i can prepare so he comes up and he pulls up the scan and i'm looking at it And this guy does have an inguinal hernia, which is what he came in to complain for.

16:24But he also has this bright white, which usually means it's metal, eight to nine inch thing in his abdomen. In his abdomen, not his rectum. Well, so my first thought was, did this guy get stabbed with like a shiv? Because I've seen a lot of scams where things are stuck in people's rectums. They're usually near the bottom. Right. This one was kind of off to the side, not 100 % on the bottom, but far enough that my first instinct wasn't this guy stuck this up his rectum and he didn't swallow it. So I'm like, okay, what are we dealing with? So we're trying to come up with a plan because we're like, is this a pen?

17:07Is it a butter knife? We're not 100 % sure. A wrench? Yeah. I'm like, I don't know what it is. So I'm just going to prepare for everything. And I said, well, how did it get in there? and he said your colon's kind of like a vacuum i guess he put it in there and then forgot about it in order for it to travel that far up into your colon and i was like how do you forget unless he just accidentally sat on it we're clearly all thinking for us putting an enormous thing up our butt would be the first time so it'd be very memorable but you might be forget if you do this every day 20 times a month all year i guess yeah you might forget yeah because actually we can kind of relate to this maybe tampons you would think how on earth could you forget you have a tampon exactly but you can't at this point if you have a sharp thing in your abdomen we're not dealing with your hernia he went down he consented him we bring this patient up to the operating room and we kind to get started and I don't want to get too gross.

18:15This is my job. So it's not gross to me, but we opened this person up. When you say opens them up, you dilate his asshole or you've cut into him. This one, because it was so far up, we just do an incision right down the middle. And at this point we don't know what it is. So we're kinderly. Oh my God. It could be a bomb like in Grey's Anatomy. Also, isn't it crazy that you can just open up a human and like feel around for stuff it's so weird it is we can even like move things out to get to things so we're feeling around we kind of feel where it is and by some miracle this person hasn't perforated their bowel by having this thing in there because usually when you move around it'll poke through so we gently open it and i'm holding it open and he reaches in there he's like oh it's slippery so I give him a clamp and he pulls it out and it's a screwdriver.

19:08I was on the right track. I was feeling mechanical. A flathead or a Phillips head? So this was a specific headed screwdriver. Honestly, I went home and I told my husband, I'm trying to explain it. And he was like, oh, this is an industrial wear head. We couldn't see the plastic handle. And that's why we didn't know that it was a screwdriver because that didn't show on x-ray unfortunately this man was unhoused so we figured he actually might be using the screwdriver to try and get into buildings to sleep in the winter time and didn't want anyone to take it from him so that was kind of our conclusion oh my god that's a big that's a leap rachel you guys are medical geniuses but this is a very bad detective theory because you're giving a lot of benefit of the doubt i have to say also there's a lot of places to hide a screwdriver before we go rectal did you ask i did not ask the surgeon asked but he was on meth you called the right person okay it was a thousand percent sexual because the whole addictive quality to meth is once you pair it with sex it's turboed so definitely he was on meth banging his prostate.

20:26I mean, there's just no question. But then forgot about it? Yeah. Well, maybe because he just got distracted. On meth. I mean, that's true, too. I was trying to be like, okay, this is very specific. You can't go buy one of these screwdrivers at the store. Where'd you get it? Oh, no. It was probably rusty, too. Well. I mean. Did you give him a tetanus shot? Yeah, that's what I mean. He needs a lot. It was so covered in other stuff. Ew!

20:55wow man a fucking nine inch that's a lot of metal like when you're bending over you're feeling that it's insane it didn't cut that's kind of why i was thinking how did he forget about it because it probably had to be in there for a week or two or maybe even more in order to travel up as far as it did because your colon kind of goes this way but then at the bottom you have a sigmoid colon that's literally shaped like an S. And it was above the S. It went through the twisties. It was actually really impressive. Anything's possible. Meth will help with all that. I guess so. It loosened everything up.

21:31It's one of the few benefits. You can ignore quite a bit of discomfort. When he comes up to the OR, he was the nicest person ever. He's like, oh, hey, what's up? Thanks for helping me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I actually had the screwdriver cleaned with the rest of the instruments and gave it to the surgeon to give back to him. And the surgeon was kind of like, use with caution slash if you were storing it, maybe find a different spot. Wow. It's quite a theory you guys came up with. Oh, that's great. Well, Rachel, that was delightful. Thank you so much. So I need to shout out my little sister, Nicole.

22:09She was super upset that she couldn't skip work. And then my other siblings, Kelsey and Ben, we kind of have a sibling chat and we all listen to Armchair and I got everyone hooked and they were like, you have to submit a story. And then we also did a poll for which one I should tell. An embarrassment of riches. Oh, a whole family. I love that. An embarrassment of riches. Oh, wow. That's good. OK, well, shout out to the family. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Oh, my God. You're in scrubs. I just walked out of the OR. I'm so sorry. Wow, that's great because we were a little late. We've never talked to someone straight out of the OR.

22:54What if we had a real time? That'd be exciting. Because you knew the surgery was going to take place at a certain time and you told Emma, it would be ideal if we could talk at 1155. Oh. Hannah, where are you? Other than the hospital, obviously. I'm in Western Massachusetts. Western Mass. And this hospital looks nice. The bed is like wooden. Have you ever been to Western Mass? The whole place is a storybook. It is. This is the call room. This is the best I could do. It looks like you're in a Civil War hospital. I know. That wooden bed frame. That wood is like really bad as far as collecting germs.

23:27But this is where the doctors hang and sleep. I mean, we don't sleep here much. There's just no time. People have definitely fornicated on that bed behind you. Rest assured. 100%. Yeah. Also, would you agree with me? and I say this with love and fellowship, nurses and doctors are perverts. Absolutely. Well, yeah, you're choosing to get inside the body and deal with goo. So also, I'm a general surgery resident. You're so smart. I feel jealous and scared. I want you to operate on me someday. Okay. What do you want me to do? Whatever pops up, I guess. Hernia, gallbladder, appendix, I'll take it out.

24:04Also, I wanted to say my first patient of 2026 was a rectal foreign body. That's not this case. No way. It's going to be a great year. Yeah, that's good luck. I walk in 5 a.m. and they're like, oh, do we have a case for you? And it's not the one you're going to tell us? This is... I got the wrong job. So my co-resident will call him KD. He was on the night shift. He gets a consult from the ED, rectal foreign body. Okay, fine. It's like 4 a.m. He's almost done. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go take care of this. So ED calls and says, I've got this patient down here. About 50-year-old guy came into the ED with abdominal pain.

24:44He's hemodynamically stable, but he's had a pear stuck in his rectum for eight hours. A pear. A pear? The fruit? A fruit. The pear with the stem, you know, just a pear. I get it. It's a little bit calling. Oh my God. Stop saying you get it. I get it. You've been getting all of these. Yeah. The pear is very inviting. Think about it. Not for butts. Sure, because it's a little narrower at the front. Okay. Okay. Nevermind. You're disappointed. Inserting-wise, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nature's butt plug. Okay. There you go. Okay. Okay. Yeah, so I'd been there eight hours, and he was having abdominal pain.

25:19Comes into the ED. So the ED had gone in x-ray to see kind of where the pair was, to see if there's any free air. And really quick, did the patient say, hey, it's a pair? Or from the x-ray in the pair shape, it was concluded it was a pair? The patient said there is a pear. Wow. Okay, great.

25:53Sorry, I got to add one more thing. Sorry, Monica. Monica just grabbed the bridge of her nose. I just want to hear it. I know, I know. You got to be really careful when you're using a pear because if you've eaten a lot of pears, you know, when they get ripe, they get so soft. Like he definitely was using an unripened pear because you can just put your fingers through it on accident. Like those pears get so tender when they're ripe. I mean, we had somebody else on earlier who had a vibrator, a magic bullet up there, and he was respectful enough to wait till the battery died before he came into the hospital.

26:29So I'm surprised that he didn't just feel like, I'm just going to wait till this disintegrates in me. He was in pain though, right? It was the pain. And also my first case was a vibrator this year. Oh, wow. Okay. And it had died. So anyway, they got an x-ray. Okay. It's in there. There's no free air, meaning unlikely that it's perfed. CT is a lot better for looking for free air, but it wasn't indicated he's hemodynamically stable. So KD, he goes down to the ED. He evaluates the patient. Guy looks okay, gets the story, goes to grab some supplies to try and get the pair out. They give the patient some medication.