Armchair Anonymous: Graduation

25:07And luckily I just graduated. I had some open time. So I go ahead and drive her back home. She's laying in the back seat, her legs like tied together, basically. Oh my God, this is horrible. We make it back to Iowa. The next day, we go to her original hip surgeon and he like takes a look. He's like, Nope, everything looks good. Don't need to do anything else. I was like, well, the other surgeon said it's not all good. And he's like, Nope, it's fine. And so two weeks later is my wedding. So fast forwarding through that two weeks of caring for my mom, doing last minute wedding prep, because I pushed a lot of stuff out because I was working on graduating.

25:53Get to my wedding day. My mom was doing good. She was actually like walking a lot better. And we were doing like the cute mom-daughter thing of I'm putting on my dress. She's like buttoning it up. And then we are about to do first looks. Suddenly she falls over and she is like holding a mimosa, splashes it all over my dress that I just put on and is in a ton of pain again. Okay, hold on. Pause for one second. This is horrible. I mean, again, this is so flimsy and generic, but from the outside, you could go, mom's really having a hard time letting go of daughter. It's like the graduation's a symbol.

26:35She goes down. Are you suggesting Munchausen? And then the marriages today, not even that she would be aware of it, but the way the body takes care of yourself. Wow. Anyways, okay, that's just worth noting. I actually gave birth a year ago and we were joking about that. We're like, oh, mom, like, be careful. Like, it's a big moment for me. So we're at the point where we can joke now. Yeah, maybe it's best you just stay in bed, mom. Okay, so she pitches her mimosa all over you. She hits the deck. Fuck, mom. So she's like, I can get up. I can get up. We're like, okay. She's like trying to get up and she cannot get up.

27:15My aunt and uncle take her to the emergency room. Oh my God. This is like devastating on multiple fronts. Of course, I want my mom to be at my wedding. Two, I really wanted her as well as my dad to walk me down the aisle. That was something that was super important to me. And then another thing is my sister was actually going to be singing during the ceremony. She had like learned to play the ukulele and she was going to surprise me and like play the ukulele while she sang the song. So my mom's in the ER. She's like going like absolutely ballistic. She's devastated. She's distraught. She's like asking the physician, like, can you just get me out of here?

27:56It's my daughter's wedding day. And she's like going on and on about my sister's song for some reason. She's like, my other daughter's playing the ukulele. So like, I gotta go. Five minutes later, the physician comes back in with the ukulele and plays that exact song for her. What? This is an Iowa doctor. Yeah, this is a different sitch. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ew. That just made me feel grossed out for some reason. Oh, I love it. I don't know why, like, this early I hated it. I don't know why. Oh, interesting. Oh, it made me, like, sob. I was like, someone's taking care of her and was making her have, like, a good day.

28:35But I guess my thought is the point is that... You just don't trust doctors who can play ukulele? No, no, no, no, no. The point The point wasn't that she wanted to hear a song on the ukulele. It's that she wanted to see her daughter play at her other daughter's wedding. This doctor. Well, clearly that's what it was. Made it about him. And he was like, let me try to. No. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He was trying to go like, well, let me give you the next best thing. I just like, I don't know why I said it. Yeah. I appreciate your honesty. Yeah. I don't think you trust doctors who play ukuleles.

29:06Maybe. I think if you dig deeper, that's what this is about. Maybe there's something there. Yeah, it's like, wait, why you got to know how to play? With his fingers? Like, maybe that translates well into the medical field. I know, it's like, he shouldn't have time. He shouldn't have time. I just don't understand how there was a ukulele at the hospital already. He's probably wooing nurses. Yeah. See? Yeah. Now you get me there. Yeah, you're getting me there. The nurse was in the room, like, holding the sheet music for him on an iPad. They'd, like, looked it up. I still like it. My mom actually ended up being able to make it to the wedding.

29:37She did. Like, got it in place enough. We just pushed back the ceremony a little bit. And then she was able to still walk me down the aisle. Did you have to buy a second wheelchair? Or how'd she get around? We had that one still. Okay, so Olivia, I have some thoughts about this whole chain of events. I'm worried about how ambitious your scheduling is. Yes. The notion that you scheduled your wedding two weeks after graduation. I didn't want to say it, but I thought the same. But I think it's because you're like, I got to be done with college. and I got to start my life. And starting my life means I'm getting married.

30:11I'm going to be done with this. Why was it so bad, the college? Oh, it was like a lot of personal things. And then we were in college during COVID. I'm just sitting alone at my desk and like up all night, like alone and like kind of going a little bit gloopy by myself. But yeah, the wedding two weeks after would not recommend to anybody. I think I was just like, let's just get it done. then I don't have to worry about things anymore. But this is none of my business, but I will say I'm old enough now. It's like, unfortunately, that is how we march through life. It's like, get to this thing, get to that thing.

30:47And then you don't realize, no, that's life. You're missing it. Yes, you're missing it, trying to speed to this next thing. It's so human. The one last thing I wanted to say was that sticky note creeps me out now that I was like counting down the days until this like bad thing happened. all the time I'll say to my husband like I just like hate thinking about that sticky note it's like a doomsday clock I had for myself and he's like you're thinking way too much into it like it's not that big a deal the more people we interview it's like the mind's capable of these crazy things we don't understand oh my god right like manifesting weird stuff and yeah yeah some spooky going on it's unreasonable to think I mean we've all done this but like as soon as this is over, everything's better.

31:32And it's kind of just the world telling you, that's not how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I think, too, we, Olivia, live in a city that is asymmetric in this way, that so many people are out here trying to achieve a career that is very elusive. And I think we're surrounded by a lot of people that think their life's going to start when they get that thing. And that's kind of heartbreaking because it already started. Yeah. It's all such up and downs. I will say, I do think things got a little better after grad school, but there's other dips and valleys afterwards. The hits keep on coming.

32:06There's no perfection. Yeah, that's life, man. The hits keep on coming. Yeah. Well, Olivia, you're delightful. You have a smile that many times reminded me of our friend Amy, who's our favorite person. Oh, we just love Amy. She's just as pure as they get. Yeah, yeah. You have that same quality. Well, it was so great to meet you guys. Tell grandpa a happy 95th. My goodness. I will. I hope your mom lets him have this holiday without any theatrics. I know. I know. She's going to be like, this is closer to letting go. Like, there's a lot here. Oh. It actually is her 60th on Monday, too. So she's got her own thing going on.

32:41She's got to stay healthy for that. All right. Well, lovely meeting you, Olivia. Lovely meeting you as well. Bye. Bye. Take care. Amelia? Yeah. I don't know that I've ever met an Amelia. Have you? It's a great name. Only Amelia Bedelia. Yeah, Amelia Bedelia or Amelia Earhart, rest in peace. Well, we don't know. Oh, true. She could still be alive. She could still be up there, up there wandering. She could be, she's just up there. Up in the clouds. Circling. Who is the second Amelia? Amelia Bedelia is a very popular children's book series. That's the protagonist or the author? The protagonist. Did you have those books when you were a child, Amelia?

33:18I did, yes. Did you feel special? I did. Yeah. You deserve that. Thank you. Where are you at? Just outside of Ojai. Yeah, not far from you guys. Such a nice place. Did you grow up there or did you relocate? We just moved here. I lived in LA for like 15 years. And then before that, I'm from the East Coast. Okay, so you have a crazy graduation story. Yeah, I'm cheating a little bit. This is right after graduation. Related to graduation. The story happens because of... We play it loose. Right after we have our high school graduation. This is June of 2009. We all graduate. graduate. Everything's great.

33:54The following week, it's tradition for the graduating seniors of our school, and I think most schools in that county, to go do a beach week to celebrate. And it's usually in Ocean City, Maryland, which is like three hours to the coast. We all celebrate. We're all freshly 18. We can all get in real legal trouble. We're like groups of these freshly graduated kids renting houses near each other at the beach, and then everyone would party for that whole week. My very best friend, Megan, still to this day, her mom was somehow able to rent us this like massive mansion. It was perfect. It was like three stories and then square shape.

34:33So each corner had a bedroom. So we're like 12 bedrooms, balconies all around, big old central staircase. How far from the water? It was like a 10 minute walk. So we would party all night and then go die at the beach for a while the next day and then just same thing over and over again. hookups any hookups happening oh yeah oh sure wonderful because we had like 25 people sleeping in that house we fit so many kids in that house so the best part is that it's in a gated community and it's at the end of a dead end street and it's surrounded by vacant lots and like beach woods so the chances of us getting busted by the cops were brought down way low.

35:16And that's like all we cared about at that point. We're used to running, but like in high school, you get caught. We just get a citation. We do some alcohol classes. We do some community service and then it's expunged from your record. But now we're all 18. So we're on high alert for cops. That's why this house was the best because we weren't getting a lot of reaction from the neighbors. So we made all of the other houses mostly come to ours to party. And this is like way before Uber. So kids are piling up like 10 people in their Honda Civics and then driving over, partying all night, passing out and then driving back to their houses in the morning.

35:56And it's pretty much rinse and repeat every day. And then we get to the last night before checkout. The checkout's on a Sunday morning. And so we decide to throw a rager on Saturday night, invite everyone from the other houses to our spot, and then clean up the next morning, worry about it then. So it's like 10 p.m., people are arriving, and it's already like a house full of like 50 people, when all of a sudden somebody on the front balcony who can see the driveway shouts cops. Uh-oh.

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39:27So, terrible. Everybody panics. Say, like, default is, like, girls hide and the guys are looking for any excuse to, like, run. Yeah, jump off of something. Yeah, they're kicking out the screens and the windows and jumping off the balcony. and I'm with a couple girls like flushing shit, hiding shit. All the dudes are just booking it into the woods behind the house. And this is all within like one minute, like 60 seconds. It's just panic. Into the front door walks a group of four girls. And we were like, what? And turns out it wasn't a cop. It was just a cab because they decided to take a cab. Whoever was on the front balcony just saw the top of the cab in the dark and was like, oh, that must be cops because nobody in our group is responsible enough to take a cab.

40:15Also, cabs either were Crown Vicks or Caprice Classics, which are also cop cars. Yeah, you default. You're like, that's cop. Let's go. Now we're all communicating in the house. It's a false alarm. We're all like flip phone texting the guys that ran off like it's all good. Come on back. And we're all like gathered up on the main floor, catching a breath. Boys are making their way back in. They're like covering his scratches. from hopping the backyard fence. And they've got like massive mosquito bites from the woods and we're laughing. And then in through the front door walks our friend Tyler. Tyler is now only wearing boxer shorts and his shirt is flung over his shoulder and both are soaked in blood.

41:00He looks at us. Everyone is silent. He's silent. And then he just makes a 90 degree turn and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. And we're like, OK, we're not prepared for any medical emergencies. There had been some injuries that week already. Somebody got a full can of beer thrown at their head. Megan got cellulitis from a bug bite. Somebody got their foot like stuck in a door and their toenail ripped off. It was already a mess. But we were like, that was a lot of blood. We're like, Tyler, are you OK? You know, knocking on the door and his boys are like, we found some Band-Aids. Do you need that?

41:38And we're like, I don't think that's it. He finally opens the door and he's still like gushing blood. From where? Just down his legs. Oh. He's just like, somebody has to take me to the hospital. And we're like, no, are you sure? He's like, yeah. And so we're like, okay, new task. Who's the most sober to drive to the hospital? Yeah. So we had a group breathalyzer that I think somebody stole from one of their alcohol citation classes but we would bring it to parties and like yeah of course you know play games with it so we're passing it around everyone's been drinking for a week straight so we're all like no no no and then it gets to megan and megan hadn't been drinking that day because she was reacting so badly to her bug bites so she was the most sober megan was like okay i'll do it but she was reluctant because this is her brand new car it's an r32 she loves it and she also has a suspended license for speeding so not ideal this is my kind of group this is really taking me back yeah you guys would have fit in great so she's like fine put some fucking beach towels down please so she's driving tyler gets in front passenger and me and my other bestie shelby were like we're gonna come as moral support even though we're shit-faced, we're going to hop to the back with you guys.

43:07I know. It's hilarious because five minutes before, everyone was avoiding cops and adults, and now it's like, I'll go. I'll be the hero. Time to shine. I'll risk it all. And then we sped off, definitely, because Megan's driving, and that's why her license is suspended. And this is before GPS. We don't know where the hospital is at all. We're just driving to the downtown boardwalk area of Ocean City, and we're like, maybe we'll see a sign i don't know what we thought or our plan was we're driving for like 10 minutes and he's still gushing blood he's in like a puddle of it and megan spots two cops walking on the boardwalk and she was like fuck it guys like i gotta do it and so she jumps out of the car she runs over to them and she's like you guys gotta help my friends it's like his dick or something it's bleeding you gotta help them the cops come running over and they're like hey man you gotta tell us what's up you know we're calling an ambulance but you gotta tell us and he's like nope just call the ambulance and they're like it's coming but we gotta tell the emt is what we're working with and he just like sits there and he just goes i ripped my fucking ball sack open okay oh wow because when he was jumping off the fence or something no i don't have the fact on this because he never spoke about it again but everyone jumped a fence and we don't think tyler cleared the fence and he ripped open oh mama these cops are young too and they're like giggling they love it sure yeah megan is like dry heaving because she's like nutsack blood all over my new car but the ambulance shows up takes tyler megan volunteers to go with him they leave and then the cops turned to me and Shelby and they're like, you guys are a mess.

44:55So you're not getting anywhere near a car. And we're like, we'll walk back. It's like miles away. And they're like, no, you can't walk back. We have to see you off safely. So why don't you get in the back of the cruiser and we'll take you home? You're going to bring the cops to the party. Yeah. We were like, no. And they were like, yeah, let's do it. And they were like, nobody's in trouble promise you're not in trouble we just got to see you off safely then you can go have your night and we were like okay so they get to the entrance of the gated community and we're like no just drop us off here like we're good and they were like nope we got to see you off safely which house is it so they pull up to the house and sure enough an actual cop car is pulling up so everybody goes running again people leaping out the balcony out the windows and that's promise They drove off.

45:48That was nice of them. How fucked up was the house the next day? Oh, my God. There's blood everywhere. I mean, it's been a week's worth of booze. It's just sticky. All the toilets are clogged because people were flushing blunts. Oh, okay. All the window screens are kicked out. And checkout was like 11 a.m. So I don't know how we did it. I got a hunch the mom got a little bit of a bill. I don't remember. I think we did an okay job. It might have been passable enough for whatever poor cleaning crew was. I know. I do know that Tyler does have kids. Okay. So I think everything's fine. Good job, Tyler.

46:31It didn't totally end his. Vasectomize him? Yeah, correct. Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's best. Oh, wow. Oh, what a time to be alive. You're just hoping to be one of those kids that doesn't go down. As long as you're one that doesn't go down, everything's groovy. You're right. Thanks for that crazy story. Yeah, it made me very nostalgic for Trouble. Yeah, every time I tell it, I do get nostalgic. Can I give two quick shout outs? Yes, of course. Megan, of course. She's the hero of this story. And then my brother, Corey, who introduced me to your show a couple years ago, he listens to a lot of podcasts while he's on the road driving his 18-wheeler from monster truck show to monster truck show.

47:08Because that's his job. Amazing. We could have met him when we lost Groot last year at Monster Jam when we had to search the semis. Sad day. Yeah, he might have been transporting the Grave Digger communal vehicle. Yeah. That's a fun line. That is. Shout out, Corey. Well, lovely meeting you. Nice to meet you, too. Thank you so much. All right, take care. Bye. Hi. Hi there. Do you have headphones? I'm trying to grab my bag, man. Sorry. Yeah, take your time. Are you in the South? Yeah, in Georgia. I knew it. I knew it. I said like four words. You already knew it. You know how I knew it? Your shirt.

47:43And don't ask me how, but all my friends have that shirt. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. That's a standard Georgia issue. It is peach color-ish. I don't know. I just could sense it. Also, what's it like to be so handsome? Is it fun? It gets a little old, but my wife is the only person that doesn't constantly remind me. Sure. Yeah, that's why we get married, to feel shitty about ourselves. Sounds like you got a good one. She's the best. If I were you, here's what I would do. Well, I would have sunglasses on that had little tiny mirrors on the sides so that I could watch women turn around after I passed. Isn't that the dream, Monica?

48:18Yeah, really sorry. I wasn't listening because I did see a George something in the background. I can't tell what all y 'all can see back there, but we've got two Coca-Cola bottles from our two national championships. Oh, hell yeah. I'm never going to open these guys. Tell me this is a UGA graduation story. It is. Yes. You know, I went there. Do you know this, Will? No, tell me. I went to Georgia. I graduated in 2009. Really? Are you from Georgia? I am. From Duluth. Duluth. Okay, yeah. I'm in Peachtree Corners right now. So I'm right next to your hometown. Yeah. Oh, this is so exciting. Too bad I didn't meet you before you met your wife.

48:55Before I moved out here. What year did you graduate? Would have been a catch. That is too bad. I graduated in 2021. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's okay. I need to leave. No. I gotta go? No, no, no, no, no. I gotta run right out of here. No. Will. Will, you're too young for this phone call. You're way too young. You don't pass my test, which is that you're younger than my brother. Oh. That's a good litmus test. That's the cutoff. No, look at his face again. Who gives a fuck? It's true. Are you 24? I'm about to turn 27. Oh, we did something. Yeah. Okay, so how did that? I'm 38. You're 38. So 11 years.

49:32Fuck you. I thought you were 36. Age shaming out here. I know. I'm trying to help. And how dare he? You're 51. I'm helping you. I'm pretending you're younger and he's older. Thank you. Okay, anyways, graduation. Let's get to graduation. Let's get to it, yeah. Go Dawgs. Go Dawgs. That's honestly the only great thing about this story is that it was the University of Georgia. Everything else is just a mix of humiliation, but also a joke. And the further we get away from it, the more I can laugh about it now. Oh, I can't wait. The only reason I'm even doing this is because my little sister of two younger sisters, my middle sister, followed me to Georgia.

50:08And she literally called me like three weeks ago and said, Will, I listened to this podcast. This is the content that they like to talk about. They have a website. One of the topics is crazy graduation stories. She was there the night of it. And she said, would you be willing to just go for it? See what happens. Please thank her on our behalf. Yes. That's incredible. This is our favorite is when Armcherries ensnare other people. Yes. It's great. Hopefully she'll get you and you'll start listening as well. She already sent me a couple episodes. I started listening. I'm not as good of a podcast listener as I used to be a couple years ago.

50:40We'll get you back. I'll get back onto it, yeah. Okay, well, tell us what happened. What year? What went down? This was May of 2021, and I was graduating from the University of Georgia, and it was a great day. It was a great evening, great weather. However, we were still kind of in that weird COVID time, and so graduation for us actually got split over a couple different nights. It wasn't our entire undergrad class. It was just the business school graduating class. And so we were actually, we were doing it on the field of Sanford Stadium to the University of Georgia football field right there.

51:16It was outside. And I was really excited. Most of my friends were gonna be with me that night. A few of our friends that were not in business school had graduation on different nights, but I was greatly looking forward to it. And it was gonna be a mix of emotions. To celebrate, my family came in town. I'm originally from Birmingham, but my parents had come in town. My two younger sisters had come in town. And then I actually had a new girlfriend the time we've been dating for a handful of months, but she'd only met my parents a few times. And so this was her second or third, maybe fourth time, really spending meaningful time with my family.

51:45And so really quick, this is a master's degree, obviously, business school. Undergrad. I thought about doing the double dogs, but I'd had enough school. Terry. Terry College of Business. That's right. Good shout out. Yeah, I had to. Taxes in Paris. No, I love it. I'm just laughing at Monica. Her love for UGA is very endearing. I'm not kidding. One of the only reasons I'm really enjoying this right now is because of the Georgia thing. Having to tell this humiliating story, I'm kind of like, why am I doing this? I'm like, no, I've got a fellow dog. I want to say the ceremony was starting about seven o 'clock.

52:14So we got an early dinner reservation at a steakhouse right there in downtown Athens. It was my parents, my two sisters, my girlfriend and myself. I've got some jitters, like it's college graduation. This is a big deal. I also have some jitters. This is my girlfriend. She's meeting my family again. But overall, it was really successful. We had a nice dinner. We drank a beer. like we were having a good time. And then we get in the car. The plan is going to be drop me at graduation so I can go down on the field. I've got my cap and gown on. I'm dressed up. My family was going to park and then walk into the stadium and find seats up in the stands.

52:47So I run down onto the field. I meet up with my buddies. There's probably 30 or 45 minutes until the program is set to start. And I'm just chopping it up with the guys. We've got our friend group of guys and girls. We're hanging out. We're taking pictures. It's pretty surreal. How have we already made it to this? The time has been flying. And I look back in the corner in the stands and I see that my family and my girlfriend had found some seats. I was waving to them. They're waving to me. I'm texting them like, this is awesome. On the big screen up there, they've got the countdown of how close we're getting until like 3, 2, 1.

53:16And then that's when the lights go off and they do like a big introduction video. And then the president's going to come out and the whole thing starts. So I'm looking up and there's 10-ish minutes left before we're supposed to kind of get our seats and the whole thing's going to get rolling. Really quick. I need to know, what did you eat at the steakhouse? The 12 ounce filet. Okay. All right. No seafood. No, no. I stuck to the red meat. Honestly, in hindsight, I wish I'd had the seafood because there's about 10 or nine minutes left. I'm wearing a cap and a gown and we're outside and I'm feeling great.

53:45And so I was just kind of farting it up a little bit, like subtly. There's some mixed nerves. And I've also just eaten a bunch of steak in the last hour. And I'm a guy. Yeah. And you've had some beers. Yeah. I had a couple of beers. And I, what do you guys call it? An unauthorized? evacuation. Evacuation. Yes, that's right. Yeah, that's a technical term. Thank you. So I'm talking to my friends. I just go to let out a tiny little fart and I immediately felt something wet come out. I froze and I try to play it super cool. I think my face got immediately red. I'm looking around. I'm like, there is no chance that just happened.

54:19We've all had that experience probably at least once. I'm literally standing there looking around, begin panicking. My heart is pounding through my chest. I know for a fact, I just had an unauthorized evacuation in my pants. And sizable, it sounds like. Decent size. It was just really wet was the problem. It wasn't like something just sitting in my underwear. Like my boxers were just wet. Were you only wearing underwear? No, I had slacks on. I looked good. I had slacks and I had a button down tucked in. I looked good. I was wearing a bow tie. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. We've been having a good time.

54:48I was even down like five minutes before that. I was waving. They had some cameras going around. I got on the big screen on my phone. The sign said, hey, mom. And so they're texting me. It was awesome. And then this happens. And so I start panicking. I look up, I'm seeing there's an eight minutes until the ceremony is supposed to get going. And I look at my friends, I'm like, hey guys, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick. I waddle as quick as I can. And my parents are looking down at me and my girlfriend and my sisters. And they see me, everybody else is hanging out because it's about to start.

55:16And I am hightailing it back towards kind of where the stands are. And I'm looking around for a bathroom. They have the main bathrooms closed because it's COVID. They have individual porta-potties. And so I go into a porta-potty. Really quick. Are you at least grateful that you're in a gown? If you're going to shit your pants, there's nothing better than having a cloak around you. That is true. It was certainly helpful. It helped cover up and mask any potential damage of what could have been really humiliating publicly. And because I had normal clothes on underneath too, I knew there were some layers here.

55:47But really having that gown on to cover up any potential stains that could be showing, it did make me feel slightly better. I was just mortified. I'm in this port-a-potty. It's like 115 degrees in there. I'm sweating bullets. I can hear the countdown starting to begin. I'm freaking out. So I ended up just having to drop the drawers, throw the boxers into the porta potty. They're just floating in the water. Pull my pants back up. Was there a lot of seepage into the dress slacks or were they pretty dry? The slacks were dark, which was helpful. It was better than wearing like khaki pants. There was only a little bit of seepage.

56:21And so I throw the gown back on. I'm using toilet paper to dab my face off because I'm sweating. Do I just need to try to go to the bathroom right now while I'm in here? Do I need to try to like finish this thing out? Is this going to happen again? What's going on? And I'm having to think quick, guys. I mean, the countdown is starting. When this thing starts, people are going to be looking around. I'm in front of, I don't know, let's call it 20 ,000 people. They're going to be looking at me walking down the middle aisle on the field. Like, why is this dude late? What's going on? And so I'm just having to think quick.

56:47I was not making the most rational decisions, but I'm just doing what I can to be productive here and try to cover up my mistakes. And so I end up throwing the gown back on, zipping up the pants and the shirt and getting all settled. And then I go back out. It is starting as I'm walking out, the lights go off, the screen comes on. I look up at my family and they're kind of looking at me, giving me a sign. And I'm like, no, we're good. We're good. We're good. Don't worry about it. So I go and I sit down in my seat with my buddies the entire time I cannot focus on anything. I'm just wondering, can they smell me?

57:16Yes. Did I get this all the way gone? Are they going to smell what just happened? Like a lot of insecurity. It was the longest two hours of my life. Were you doing any weird, like were you pushing on any fabric with your hand and then smelling your hand? No. Well, again, the gown makes it kind of hard, but I am sitting there and I'm kind of moving around a little bit. Like I'm trying to feel with like my legs, like, hey, are we good? Did I get everything out? And again, thankfully we were outside, so I suppose that might help rather than being inside. But I'm looking around. My friends aren't saying anything.

57:49They never asked like, hey, why'd you go to the bathroom? They think I played it cool and I was just cutting it close to when the program started. But over the course of the two hours, the mixture of sweat and any residue that was left behind and being outside. Again, it's May. It's Athens, Georgia. And we're on a football field. It's like 7 p.m. So the sun's still kind of high. I just began chafing so bad. And I'm sitting there. I could feel it. It was like the way it was all drying and it was just not going to go well. Yeah, yeah. I really could not focus. I don't remember much of that entire program because I'm just thinking, what next?

58:22What's going to happen after this? Are we going out? Or am I going back home? Are we going to take pictures for an hour with my girlfriend and my parents? This is such a metaphor for life. You're graduating. It's like, what's next? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, guys, this was the night I became an adult. Yes, that's right. This is my first experience. I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult, an independent adult. But in fact, you are a child because you poo-pooed in your pants. Correct. Very much so. It was very, very humbling. And so I go meet up with my family up in the stands. I'm wondering, do I tell them?

58:53I'm making a joke. I tend to be pretty easy on myself. I like making fun of myself. I have a good sense of humor. It's okay. I knew we were going to eventually laugh about it. The question was when, and also my girlfriend's here. Now this luckily was the girl that I am married to today. So ultimately this worked out. Okay, great. Because of that, I don't have near as many regrets as I would have if she had ended up breaking up with me. And this probably being one of the reasons, but I just decided to rip the bandaid off and we're taking pictures. And I say, guys, guess what? They said, what will?

59:21And I said, I'm not wearing any boxers right now. And they looked at me like, what are you talking about? And I said, yeah, I pooped my pants about two hours ago. They're floating in that port-a-potty down there. If you don't believe me, you can go look. I'm sorry if I smell bad. I don't know how I'm going to get home. We have like a mile walk back home. Athens is very hilly. My parents tell me that they ended up parking at my house and walking all the way there. I thought they had parked closer. They tell me that. I'm like, we're about to have to walk a mile home. Did you ask anyone if they had any baby powder or talc on them?

59:51Like, mom, are you carrying any talc by chance? Some gold bomb would have been super helpful. But no, at that point, I figured I was pretty out of luck until I got home. And I will never forget, my mom grabbed my arm and she looked at me. She said, Will, why are you saying this out loud? I was like, mom, I have one of two options here. I'm just embarrassed about this. I don't tell anybody or we just start laughing about it right now. And that was the route that I chose. And so my sisters, they laugh it off. We go back home. My roommates, they're like, hey, why are you running back? Because we're all trying to hang out on the front porch.

1:00:23Guys, I got to go to the room. I got to go change. What do you mean you have to change? It's like, I'll tell you in a little bit. So I tell them the story. They're dying laughing. I still am kind of mortified in disbelief. It ends up being okay. I was chafing like crazy. Grab Gold Bond at the house. Because we had the rest of the night. We were going out. We were and friends and we were going to go hang out and spend some time together. And I did not want that to dampen the night any more than it dampened my pants up until that point. Yeah, I would call it a bottom boot and rally. Yeah, that's right.

1:00:53You had like you bottom booted, but then you rallied. That's right. And you got to. You got to. You got to. I mean, only a couple more days left to party in Athens. You got to use it up. True. Also, I hate to keep bringing up your handsomeness, but you know, the gift, it's like you can tell he looks so hot even with shit in his pants. It's kind of a luxury. You're so lucky. Like if you weren't so handsome, you wouldn't be married to that girl. She would have definitely ditched you. If you're like a monster and you're like, I just shit my pants. Everyone's like, fuck, Frank, get the fuck out of here, man.

1:01:25But they're like, Will, you little stinker, you. Let's clean your buns, Will. I'm going to go help you clean your buns. My wife is great. And again, just being like a pretty new girlfriend at the time, she was a trooper for sticking that out with me. She's a real one. She loves me through and through. She loves making fun of me for my weirdness and my mistakes. My sisters love pointing out my mistakes and laughing about it. And now my parents do as well. My mom, she ultimately was the one that was most wrong here. I think she thought there was no chance that relationship was going to last. Right.

1:01:56Here we are, mom. She's from the South. That's right. She has a decorum that she wants to maintain. She's like, well, that's not polite conversation. William, I did not raise you this way. If I hear William, I know it's serious. Yeah, real serious. Come again, William. You say you defecated in your slacks. That was delightful. Thank you, Will. That was great. Of course. You never know what someone next to you at graduation is going through. It's a real life lesson. All right. Well, again, thank your sister. Claire, this was for her. Claire Bear, we love you. Shout out, Claire. All right. Bye. Be well, Will.

1:02:31That's hard. Be well, Will. Thanks, guys. Y 'all too. Go Dawgs. Go Dawgs. Roll Tide. No. Oh, sorry. Don't worry. I'll cut that. Oh, my God. I didn't kick him out. He left. He was like, get me the fuck out of here. He is from Birmingham, so he might not hate that. But he hates that because he's a big Georgia fan. Yeah, he was. He got the bottles. Fucking hot. So hot. Yeah. You were aggressive, and I loved it. I was? Yeah, yeah, I loved it. Emma, cut me being aggressive. No. What do you mean I was aggressive? You're like, I want to wipe your butt like you were. I didn't say that. Yeah, and you are new, and I know you do.

1:03:09And he knows, and I love it. You would wipe that butt all day long, wouldn't you? Yes. I think I would clean his butt. Speaking of changing, I gotta go change my pants too. All right, love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of our cherries We'll get some suggestions On the Flyer Rhyme Dish On the Flyer Rhyme Dish Enjoy