Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare III

0:00Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm George by Judge Rajbaj. It's me. Today we have... Holiday Nightmare Part 3. Oh, ho, ho, ho. See how I did both of them? Yeah, that was cool. Good mess. You guys, happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. They're upon us and they're so fun. Happy holidays. Actually, this is the last, this is our last episode of the year.

0:42Our last new episode of the year. So we hope you enjoy it. What a year. And you get in the spirit. What a year. Really fun. You're seven. You're seven, you're supposed to get itchy, but we didn't get itchy. I just itched. Oh, then it works. You're not supposed to get Brad Pitt you're seven. You're supposed to get itchy and bored. Oh, the seven-year scratch. The seven-year itch. She's seven years. Scratchy, scratchy. Please enjoy Holiday Nightmares Part 3.

1:25Hi.

1:30Hi, guys. Can you hear us? Yes, I can. Can you hear me? Absolutely. Your hair looks so pretty. It feels like your hair is very on brand for someone named Bella. That's really kind. Thank you. I had to blow it out for today. I went off my routine, but I was like, today's a big day. What's your normal routine? Do we put it in braids the night before and hope for curls in the morn? So my hair is naturally super curly. So I usually blow it out on Saturdays and then wash one time a week. Same. So, Bella, what's wrong with all of us? Because my children have pin straight hair and they braid it every night when it's wet.

2:06So they'll have curls in the morning. And everyone with curls is trying to straighten their hair. What is wrong with us? I know. The grass is always greener. It really is. It's always greener. I've learned over time. I just air dry and I just go. And you want your hair, right? I'm happy with my hair. Yeah, you should. One of the only things I got. You got to embrace what you got. Hold on. I bet we could make a list right now. Well, we are not doing that. Bella, let's make a list. No way. Where are you? So I am in New York City, but I'm originally from Texas. So that is where my story takes place.

2:41Where in Texas? It's a suburb outside of Dallas called Plano. Oh, Plano. Oh, I know Plano. Yeah. I went to either a Total Wine or a Sprouts on Aaron and I's bus tour in Plano. Love Sprouts. It's so fun. My mom loves Sprouts. Okay, so tell us what year and we're in Plano, Texas for this story. Yes, this was about 12 years ago. I had to consult my mom for some details. But basically, my family is big on holidays. My mom loves to host. She is a great host. And she is one of seven kids. So each of her siblings married, they have kids. And then some of those kids have kids. So it's just a full, full house.

3:27It was an explosion. And can we do some stereotypes now? I would like to play in stereotypes for one second. I think when people have a stereotype about Texas, I think what they're really thinking about is Dallas. And I think there is a fun stereotype about Dallas. Well, higher the hair, the closer to God. That vibe and a great host. Like this all feels very in keeping. My sister and I are both quite tall. And my mom, without a doubt, says to everyone, we grow them big in Texas. There's just all the stereotypes. American by birth, Texan by the grace of God. Yeah. So they're super proud Texans, which is fun to have them visit me in New York City.

4:07But they love it. It was Christmas Day afternoon. We've all finished eating. The guys are all watching football. My cousins and I are upstairs playing rock band. How old are you 13 years ago? I would have been 16. Probably too old for a rock band at that point. No, rock band's so fun. We hear this loud bang on the front door. And immediately following the bang comes the stray dog that runs right into our house. My family, we are not ones to remain calm. We are alarmists and we overreact. Okay, great. Immediately, my mom is panicked. We have several elderly people and my three uncles decide they're going to handle it.

4:52Sure. That's their duty. They got the whole day off to watch football. They got to be lazy, but now there's somebody who's protecting. So you're finally up. It's Christmas football? The Lions play every year on Christmas. Somehow there's always a game on on holidays. So my uncles are trying to corral this dog out and they finally get it to the front porch. And I guess the rationale is that they're nervous about the dog not leaving the property while people are trying to get to their car. I honestly can't explain why this next part happened. But Uncle Bob decides that he is going to pepper spray above the dog.

5:27Above it. Above, all right. To mainly pepper spray. And Uncle Bob has pepper spray at Christmas. Somehow, yes. We're all very protected. You know, it's Texas. We're all a little on guard. He is going to pepper spray above the dog. It'll smell it and run away. Oh. This is an insane plan, as if he's tried this before. And I wish somebody had consulted him. I wish he had thought it through a little bit more. But he sprays the pepper spray, and immediately it blows right back into his face. Yeah. He's on our front porch. He runs inside, leaving the door wide open. He's screaming. My eyes, my eyes.

6:03My mom is at the sink washing dishes. He pushes her out of the way, starts rinsing out. his eyes. Well, immediately all of the pepper spray blew back into our house. So now everyone can feel it. It is burning your eyes. It's burning your throat. One of our great ideas is like go upstairs and open up all the windows. Well, that created some sort of suction and got it everywhere. So we are shuffling people out to the back. This is the stupidest event to have happened on Christmas. There's pepper spray in the house now? We are all out in the backyard. Parents can't find their toddlers. Grandparents are coughing and wheezing.

6:46And then some of my cousins were pregnant. They're throwing up. Oh, God. And the dog is inside, happy, peacefully running around still. Impervious to the pepper spray. He's completely fine. Didn't feel a thing loving it. And so it was just a Christmas to remember. And eventually, when everyone calmed down, they lured the dog out with some food, took it to a shelter. It was fine. But in the meantime, we're like, that was a fun time to be pepper sprayed by Uncle Bob at Christmas. Uncle Bob must have really unloaded. Like, what he promised was a little gentle spray above the head, but he must have got trigger happy with it.

7:26It lasted for several days. No! So we could not get the smell out. Where is Uncle Bob in the birth order? Is he the oldest? He's actually my mom's oldest sister's husband. Oh, shit. So he's not even by blood. So the rest of the dudes are like, oh, fuck. So everyone's like, Bob. Why'd she marry Bob? We've been saying this since they met. I mean, he thought he was taking control. He was trying to help. This family is going to be so grateful I joined it once I deal with this dog situation. They're always thinking I'm silly. Also, the notion that we need to get out of the yard now. And then what? Get out of the neighborhood?

8:02Where does it stop? Get it out of the house and shut the door. Maybe throw the deadbolt, go back to the game, have a couple of lone stars and call it a Christmas. Yeah, because eventually that dog's going to leave. Yeah, he's going to go to someone else's house and try to get some of that holiday ham. Yeah. There were a lot of different options. Pepper spray should not have been on the roster. Your tradition is, I'm going to ask everyone here, ours was always Christmas Eve is when you'd get together with your family. And then like Christmas Day was just for your immediate family. Oh, interesting.

8:30You did Christmas Day, Mom would host? We did my dad's family on Christmas Eve. Okay. And then my mom's family on Christmas Day. But I also have a couple sets of step parents. So I've got lots of Christmas eggs. Oh, that's fun. You get to run around. Hence the movie Four Christmases. Yes. Easter egg. Easter egg. Although by this, it will be out. Okay. Spoiled egg. Cracked egg. Rotten egg. Bella, your family sounds fun. and I kind of want to attend. You would fit right in, both of you guys. They would be obsessed. Well, Bella, delightful meeting you. Thank you guys so much for having me. My roommate is right by me.

9:12Can she say hi? Of course, absolutely. She's lurking behind you like a killer. Hi. Hi. It's so nice to meet you guys. And what is your name? My name is Emma. Emma. We have an Emma in New York. That's right. And did you all meet in Texas or in New York? We actually met studying abroad together. Where were you studying? We were in Italy. So we were both teaching English over there. And then we were both teachers. And now we both work in finance. Look at you. I know. Just attached to the head. You're so lucky. Yeah. I'm so jealous. I'm jealous too. And it makes me mad. Erin never had any of the same career aspirations as me.

9:51Like if I could have done all that stuff with Erin. Yeah, but now you're doing Ted Seegers with Erin. Now we're retired together. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, lovely meeting you gals. Thank you guys so much. Have a good rest of your day. Okay. Take care. Doing these episodes makes me very excited for the holidays. Me too. What happens at the Padmins on Christmas? Christmas Day. Eve and day. We don't have Eve traditions. Blame. Okay, but we're Indian. So the fact that we even do Christmas at all is a big deal. Yeah, that's true. They've gone out of their way, you know? And if they come to love it, love it.

10:27Well, your mother grew up with it, probably. Well, I don't know when they started, but I think they half did it. But then when... When you arrived, of course, they had to go full bore. But did it infect them? And it can't be a hard holiday to start loving. No, no. I think my mom likes it. I like it the most. And the whole family? More than Neil? Yeah. What's wrong with Neil? Actually, we've had this conversation. No, but he was saying last year, the year before, he was like, I just like don't like Christmas as much as I used to he was like sad by that's because he's not a little boy I know and I think he was sad about that once he has kids yeah he'll get back well how does he feel about Halloween he must hate Halloween because there's like there's really nothing there for an adult yeah Halloween's actually great for adults because you go to parties and you like everyone dresses sexy and gets drunk and gets mistakes hello what fake name would you like whatever you feel so inclined Sasha Sasha.

11:21Wow. Okay, great. Is this real? No, it is not. It is not. Someone's going to shake you awake and they're going to go, Sasha, you've peed your pants. That feels a lot more likely and realistic than this happening. If you wake up and you've peed your pants, you might have had a seizure. So I would go to the doctor. This is a cautionary tale. Okay. Go to the doctor and have it checked out. Go to the doctor. Even go, maybe go before. Go before you peed your pants. Should I go right now? Yeah. My friend Monica is pretty concerned I have epilepsy based on the fact that I thought that this conversation we had might be a dream.

11:53That's right. Where are you? I knew you were going to ask that question. And so to answer it, I wore this for Monica. I don't know if she can see, but I just wanted to say go Vols. And I've been dying to say that. What are the Vols? So Dax, I am also deeply spiritually offended every time you say Roll Tide. Oh, you are. Thank you. Okay, we can agree on that. Well, let's all agree that I'm making very few friends because that's only like, I don't know what percentage of all colleges that exist. So I'm like alienating everyone. But the reason I think no one should be offended is I didn't even go there.

12:25And I actually don't care if they win or lose. That's why we're offended. We care so much. Yeah. It's like you don't even know. And you're just throwing out these horrible, horrible remarks. Okay.

12:54the overtime did you watch is a few weeks ago i didn't watch but i did hear it was insane who won who won georgia in overtime and it was like barely the vols university of tennessee yes okay i watched a couple games i guess i didn't realize they were the vols but now that i'm a nashville native i did watch here because that's the state motto that's right the volunteer state second to that, my last sort of regional reference was I was just listening earlier this week and I could not believe I heard you say that Dollywood is your new favorite theme park. Absolutely. Have you been? A thousand and sixty eight billion times.

13:30What could possibly be your issue with Dollywood? I mean, banjos, Southern tourists that are upset. I just, I don't. You don't like the vibe. No. Let me ask you this. Do you like the Smoky Mountains? Do you think they're pretty? I do think they're pretty. The food's the best food I've ever had in an amusement park. In an amusement park. So, you know, it is. An amusement park. Yeah. Were you just upset that he was so quick to give up on his lifelong? Yes. This comes up a lot. I will not prioritize loyalty over the truth. I'm loyal to a fault. Even at the expense of the truth? You are that for some things.

14:05Like, if your kids are doing something, if they're going to kill someone, you're loyal to them. My kids, yeah. And you should treat amusement parks the same. I should treat amusement parks. With the same respect. Okay. I'll have to think on that one. Okay. But anyways, bottomless pot roast and bottomless fried chicken. That's actually delicious fried chicken. What about the cinnamon bread? That's the Dollywood claim to fame. Have you had it? Or your gluten? I can't fuck with it. Right. I didn't even have that and I still loved it. But here's my question to you. If you don't hate the Smoky Mountains and you don't hate beautiful wooden roller coasters that are world class and some of the biggest on the planet, you know.

14:40What's your favorite amusement park? Yeah, how about that? Let's start there. Six Flags Over Georgia. I do love that one. Yeah. Hell yeah. You know what? Okay, Sasha. Hook them, okay? Hook them, Barnes. Oh, no, no, no. That's the real U-T. Hook them. Ew, you're not allowed to say that. You have a house in Nashville. I'm just making enemies everywhere I can. I know. Okay, so you have a holiday nightmare story. Yeah, let's get into your story. This takes place 2013, 14. So I am 19, 20, 21. new boyfriend. Timeline is a little iffy on some of these details, but we might have even been engaged. We went from dating to engaged in like three months.

15:19At 19. I mean, I'm from Tennessee. Yeah. But I will say it does call into question your overall judgment when it comes to Dollywood. I'm just saying. That has nothing to do with that. That has nothing to do with your Dollywood opinion. No, not relevant at all. Disagree. Okay. So you're 19 and you're engaged. That's the reason I'm also using a fake name is because as the story develops, these details would not fare well with the Southern crowd. But either way, at new partners, family's house was Christmas. They are just a fun crowd. Very opposite of how I grew up. Conservative. No one drank. No one cursed.

15:59Your family or his? Mine. I could not say fart growing up. Oh, sure. I see why you don't like Dollywood. That's very Southern. I get it. Did you have to say toot? Flatulence? Did someone flatulence? And if we did, even on accident or a burp, my dad was, did you just do that? I mean, he was so upset. So his family's a good time. They're the best time. Everything is alcohol. Everything is big parties. It doesn't matter the occasion. I was a little nervous trying to be cool and fit into this new family and hope they like me and all those sorts of things. But we get inside. Drinks start flowing pretty quickly.

16:32I partake, as does he. His family, also a fun detail to note, is huge on spades. Oh, I like them already. I like that. Yes. They're teaching me how to play spades. It's a hard game to learn, too. And getting in and learning while drinking. Yes, at 19. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about y 'all, but there are sort of two modes I go into in drinking. Number one is everyone is my best friend. I love you so much. Here's my whole life story. What's your aces score? You know, here we go. And then number two is are we fucking? Oh. Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, it's wonderful.

17:04Those are adjacent, really friendly. Let's connect. Yeah, so we're both drinking. We kind of give each other, you know, like a look. And so I don't know why, but we say, okay, we'll go to the car. We go outside. Is it light or dark out? Dark. His car is the first one parked in the driveway to the side of the house, like almost nose touching the side of the house. Just fun detail. It was a Volkswagen Rabbit. We get into the car. He gets in the driver's seat. You know. You mount him. Correct. Are you wearing a dress or do you got to remove pants? I knew you were going to ask me and I was going to give you a disclaimer that I'm not going to have all the answers to all the details.

17:40Sure, sure, sure. Combination of time that has passed and intoxication level. I don't remember. I couldn't tell you to save my life. If you get caught pulling a skirt down is a lot easier than where are my pants? They were inside out because I was in a hurry. You could have told me it was two minutes or it was 25. I have no recollection of how long we're going about this good time. Next thing I know, motion light comes on and he just yeets me off of him. I mean, like pushes me off and gets out of the car in like 0.2 seconds flat. Chucks you into the passenger seat and he's exiting the vehicle.

18:14Yes, he's exited the vehicle. He is erect. He either had to pull his pants up with an erection, which is rough, or he's just out there with an erection. Two things probably were in his favor. The shock, being scared. And then also, it was so cold outside. Maybe that was helpful. All right. My left foot, like my ankle, had somehow gotten stuck under the emergency brake that was down. Oh, yeah. So when he pushes me off, the top half, like torso up, tries to follow the momentum and twists over into the seat. But the ankle and the foot is not going. It's 100 % stuck. So the next thing I know that I do also remember pretty clearly is just like screaming out in pain that hurts.

18:55I mean, it twisted my ankle all the way around. He is 6 '2", 250. I'm 5 '1". I'm just like screaming. And then his uncle is like, is that you? And like is coming over. That's who set the motion light off. His uncle had come outside. And his uncle carries me like this inside. Okay. You have your arms outlined as if you're a baby. Cradle. Or it's like you carry a 50-pound bag of dog food. Yes. He carries me inside because I cannot walk on that ankle, on that foot at all. I mean, it is so down for the count. And I remember him carrying me into the house, sitting me down on the couch. I'm still crying.

19:32Everyone has now come to the living room. Luckily, his mom and his aunt are nurses. So they come and they help and put some ice. And does anyone ask you how you've hurt your ankle? Yes. And uncle sells me out in two seconds to the whole crowd. She was riding Billy in the front seat of the foreign car. Yes, he does. That to me, my 19-year-old Southern, I mean, I'm mortified. But they love it. This is exactly what 19-year-olds should be doing at Christmas, and they know it. Yeah, they're the one giving me drinks and making me lemon drops. Teaching you spades? I mean, they're getting you ready for a life of good times.

20:05I wonder if they're like, I just hope they use protection. They're not even worried. That kind of calms down, settles down. They laugh. They think it's awesome. I decide at some point to rejoin the spades table. I'm very, very drunk, and I remember clear as day I had my cards. They've dealt me my hand, and I turn to his aunt, and I say, am I the red team or the black team? Oh, shit. All right. For the listener, that's not how you play. It has nothing to do. It has absolutely nothing to do with the game. Not at all. Not at all. And so, yes, again, his mom, who was a nurse, had crutches already at the house.

20:37She wrapped it, gave me crutches. I was grateful to avoid an embarrassing doctor urgent care trip. And the funniest part, too, is that I think that was a Saturday. The next day, my dad had invited us, myself, boyfriend, I think his mom and sister, to like the Christmas play at our church. Oh, boy. I get to hobble into church with my sex injury. And they're all hungover. And they're like, oh, fuck this. And I don't remember what I told dad, but it definitely wasn't I was banging in the driveway at the Christmas party. Good thing the uncle wasn't invited to the play. Oh, because he would have blasted you.

21:08Yeah. Oh, you should have seen her. I saw everything. They were in a rabbit, but there was only one rabbit in that vehicle. It was your daughter. What happened? Did you confront the boyfriend? Like, where'd you go? Did he ever resurface? Did we ever see him again? When did he resurface? Inside is when I remember him coming back into the memory in the picture. He's playing spades. He's in the party. Yeah, that's the only thing that doesn't track about this story is that Billy's from this family. Why is he? Like, if that scenario happened at my house, I wouldn't have cared at all because my mom didn't care.

21:40I'm from that family. So I wouldn't have ran. He got spooked. He has another uncle who, honestly, like, if he would have come out, they probably would have, like, fist bumped or something. This was not that uncle. He was still very cool about it and funny and wonderful, but not as close. Honestly, I don't even fault him. It was probably so fight or flight. He thought, I'm going to disappear. My uncle's going to think she's in the car by herself. I'm going to reenter the back of the house and pretend that she was just out there in the car. Yeah, she was just checking for her wallet. That's what happened.

22:11Yeah, but I just wish she hadn't chucked her across the car, you know? Yeah. Desperate times, desperate measures. He wasn't abusive, though, right? No. Oh, no. No. No one thinks bad. Big boy. Yes, yes. You still got to be careful. I think fight or flight, your amygdala is firing. I don't know. A lot of the blood is not even in the brain at that point. That's exactly right. I love this story. It's as messy as it gets. I miss it. I'm having like a little bit of sadness. You are? Yeah, those were fun times. That reminds me of like holidays at Erin's aunt's house. It was just a mess. It was a big old mess.

22:49But it was so fun. on cards and drinking and smoking. Always. There was one Christmas party, same family, same host. We made matching outfits and I made his shirt and it said, do you want to ride my sleigh tonight? And we put antlers and a red nose where the belt would go of his outfit. You know, we're fun. Yeah. It's the kind of family where there's a fire about every third Christmas party. There's a fire at some point in the house. An injury, a fire. Yeah, 100%. That is fun. Well, Sasha, this was a party. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. A really good time. Shout out to Olivia. We saw you twice in Chicago together.

23:28You did. Aww. Said boyfriend, husband was in the military, so we were stationed in Chicago when you all were there. The Christmas show, right? And my parents were there. Yes, the Padmans were in attendance. Yeah, they were there for that one. This is how you know that we are next level obsessed. She's the only person I told about this because I was convinced when I got the email from Emma. I'm like, this is spam. This is a scam. This is fake. Someone's going to ask you for$11 or something. Yes. And so I only told her. I said it was today. She texted me this morning and she said, this is the day our lives change forever.