Armchair Anonymous: Pets

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Tiki Ranger. Oh, my. She's come to your town to clean up all the filth. Oh, my gosh. I would. You're a sheriff. I am. Yeah. Original sheriff. Okay. Today is crazy pet stories. And these pets get, well, they say the darndest things and they do the darndest things and they take their owners along with them. Yeah, they do. They also bite people. Spoiler. Yeah. So I don't know if this deserves a warning or not. Oh, you know, it does. It does. It does. There's some pet death. Oh, sure. And that's hard for some people.

0:43So, yeah. But if that doesn't bother you, please enjoy Crazy Pet Stories. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them both. But one thing you gotta know. I'm going to keep on shining.

1:12Hello. Hello. Hello. Now, is Bean an acronym or someone's name? Everybody calls me Bean. That's cute. I used to call Delta Bean and Beans, remember? Yeah. And now I'm like, how do we get there? How do you get there? And then how do these things drop off? Because, yeah, there's been a bunch. Feeny was Feeny forever. For so long. It was Delta to Delta Fina, to Fina, to Feeny, to Fiennes, to Beans. Oh, there we go. We did it. This started when I was like a baby, always Jillybean. And then my nieces and nephews all call me Auntie Bean. Even clients call me Bean. Wonderful. That's so cute. And then we call you Bean.

1:52And now you call me Bean. Exactly. I love it. Sorry, I run on the topic of my kid and I just get obsessed. Remember also she rejected her name. Remember when she's like a baby? She didn't like Delta. She'd go, no, Doughty. That was me. I didn't like my name and I wanted to change it to Perdita from 101 Dalmatians. Wow, that's a mouthful. That would have been rough for your kindergarten classmates. Perdita. I was five and my mom's like, okay, when you're 18, you can do that. Yeah. Where are you in the country? I'm in San Diego. I spent a lot of time in LA though. I lived there for a while. So I lived near Abbott Kinney before it was what it is now when it was very seedy.

2:28Back when I was smoking crack in ghost town down there? Yeah. Yeah. Yes, they saw you like amongst the streets. You certainly did. And did you grow up in San Diego? No, I grew up in Orange County where this story took place. Okay, okay, okay. Walk us through it. When I was seven, we moved to Yorba Linda and it was horse country Yorba Linda. So we moved to a house with a barn and a corral. We were like a half a mile from an equestrian center. So as a seven-year-old, naturally, I'm like, hey, guys, we need a horse now. So Beans, it's not that your parents had any equestrian aspirations. No, this is just a beautiful house.

3:03But so it backed up to a lake bed. And that lake bed is where everybody rode their horses, did a lot of dirt bike, BMX stuff. And when I was seven, I asked for a horse. They were like, no, that's not happening. And then fast forward, I made a lot of friends with horses. I had the experience. I was taking care of horses. I was riding them. I was riding them bareback. I was doing it all. Fast forward to, I think I was 10 or 11. Nobody can really know because I think that everybody blacked out this information. By the way, my mom also said, we can't get a horse because I'm allergic. But one day they sat me down.

3:31They're like, your mom was watching the Rose Parade and she saw there's a hypoallergenic breed of a horse called a Baxter Curly and we bought one. Oh my gosh. And so as you can imagine, as an 11 year old, I'm like elated. I'm having a hard time moving on from she told you you have an allergy. Did you not notice you had allergies when you were around these horses? I was always fine. I think it was an excuse. Like we're not getting on a horse because I'm allergic. That's what I'm going for. Munchausen's. Wow, jumping already to Munchausen's. I just want to throw that out there. Hannah Banana. She was a Basker Curly out of New York, and she's having to take a very long journey across the country.

4:11And so my parents are like, she'll be here in a few weeks. So she gets there. She's very young. Young horses are basically puppies. We didn't have a saddle or a bridle or the reins just yet, but Hannah Banana is there. This is not a name I gave her, by the way. This is the name she came with. And I'm like, dad, I have to get on her. I need to like do the first ride. And so he's like, sure. He knows I'm experienced at this point. I've had years of riding experience. I've ridden bareback a lot. And so he gets some rope, gets some makeshift drains. I jump on her and I'm in the lake bed and we start to walk and she immediately just starts bucking.

4:45So I get flown off. All I see is Hannah Banana jumping over me in slow motion. But what happens is that rope get caught around my calf. And I start being dragged. And so next thing you know, little beans being dragged across the dirt. Probably like 50 yards. All I hear is my mother's piercing scream. And as a mother of two now, I can't even imagine what she was going through at that point. And my dad was also in a state of shock. I'm covered in blood. No broken bones. It's not a sandy bed. Full dirt and rocks. I'm scraped up beyond belief. So fast forward, that's our intro into Hannah Banana. That was totally our fault.

5:27That's not the horse's fault. We were not being responsible. A few days later, we're like, well, we still have to exercise her and make sure that she's getting up to speed with her new house. And my friend down the street, she had horses and she's like, well, why don't I come to the equestrian center with you and I'll help lead her and get her some exercise since I still am like bruised and I can't really walk much. So she's with Hannah and she's walking her, turns into a jog next to Hannah. Hannah turns around and donkey kicks my friend in the ribs. No, this is how people die. I literally have this core memory of her flying.

6:01Oh my gosh. She's alive and well, guys. She's a vet now to this day. And not her first time getting kicked by a horse. I imagine if you're around them all growing up. I don't think she was ever kicked besides when Hannah kicked her. Like ambulance showed up. Parents were involved. The whole city knew about it. Internal bleeding. She was in the hospital. I'm pretty sure for a week. Oh. Yeah. And at a children's hospital. I think she was at Chalk Orange County. Oh my God. Okay. So, so Hannah Banana is two for two now. Yeah. Let's see if she gets a third. And this is like one week of having her. Oh boy.

6:30Fast forward. We're getting a trainer. We invested in her. We're going to do whatever we can to like keep her and save her. She bucks everybody off in my family. Like I was bucked off again multiple times. One was on Christmas Eve. I bruised my tailbone. Couldn't walk on Christmas. Another one. My mom was bucked off. She bruised ribs. Another time my dad got home from riding her, he was like bruised. The trainer was like, she spooks very easily. This is hard. But like, I was also having a lot of fun with her. I was barrel racing at the equestrian center just for fun. I was having a grand old time on Hannah until one night my dad took her out for a sunset cruise.

7:06And she got spooked and she bucked him off. And when she bucked him off, she started taking off running. And I don't know if she either tripped or if the rain fell down and she tripped, but she fell down and broke her hip. Oh, something like that large, like a horse. When that happens, it's catastrophic. And you have to literally put them down a year and a half after getting Hannah banana. We actually had to put her down in my backyard. Oh, now, is it a cowboy put down or you call a vet? You have to call a vet and they come with the whole trailer. I didn't even get to say bye. My dad was like, stay inside.

7:48I literally think I blacked out this entire time of my life because even thinking about this story, it was hard to remember the details. Yeah. Yeah. I texted my mom. I texted my dad. I texted my sister. They're like, we think it was 1998. It might've been 99. We might've had her for a year and a half. We don't know. Oh, Hannah banana. Hannah banana, man. R.I.P. Yeah, I feel really bad because I'm like animal rights activists are probably really bad at this. What do we do? Like this goes along with the territory of owning horses. Yeah. Right? It does. Like you expect to be bucked. You don't expect to be donkey kicked, I wouldn't say, but it can happen.

8:25To be fair, it wasn't like you were like, we're going to put her down because she keeps hurting people. She hurt your dad and then hurt herself. Pretty tolerant, actually. You were extra tolerant. But I know what you're saying because I live with great shame. Although I don't know what I would have done at 10 years old to alter this. But my father had gotten this dog because he had gotten married and he bought a house finally. And it was all happening. It was going to be domestic. And he got this Newfoundland dog, McKeever. And you love those types. And it's because of McKeever. And yeah, my dad was an alcoholic and worked all the time.

8:59And we were only there every other weekend. And this dog just got really, it was so neglected. Oh, what about the wife? They got divorced. yeah and my father's working theory is that the neighbors poisoned him but he ended up dying a couple years old outside oh no and i hate it feel like i need to get a newfoundland at some point in my life and like really spoil the newfoundland to make up for the mckeeber thing but to your point i think about it once a month i'm like that poor dog deserved a better that's sad i'm pretty sure my mom has some of her tail hair in a bag oh and was that your last horse that they tried again last horse i have ridden since though but my daughter got on a few years ago when she was two and i felt myself having like a panic not that many people have said this to me but people have definitely been concerned when like i taught lincoln to ride a motorcycle right before her fourth birthday and people are like what and i'm like y 'all they're way safer than horses they do at least the exact thing you tell it to do every time it doesn't have a temper exactly i feel like we have so much in common so i'm j2c no july july cancer i could tell right away monica you and i j2c87 also a former gymnast in a tumbler and went to school for pr still do it do some flips Show us, prove it.

10:30I actually did a cartwheel the other day at the park with my daughter and I was like, I felt like cement. That was very cement-y. I know, it hurts now. And then Dax, I have a very much adrenaline, thrill-seeking husband, all tattooed, loves weightlifting, loves cars, loves motorcycles. So I basically have my own Dax, but his name is Adam. Oh, Adam, well done. Look at all this crossover. Yeah, keep it going. That's a crossover. Well, lovely meeting you. Yes, nice to meet you. Thanks for telling us that story. You too, you guys. and Hannah Banana rest in peace rest in peace R.I.P. I hope she and Makeeva are running through a field right now oh that's nice you're having a lovely time they're in a Budweiser commercial in heaven alright take care bye bye do you remember one time when we were sitting at the kitchen table and Delta was just doing something so cute she was so little probably like three or four and you were like who are you and she said it's me Delta Fina

11:28there's so many ways to use a time machine i know and one of them would be i'd love to go back grab her and put her and vinnie in a room together let them hash it out that would be so cute what's your daddy's name what's your mama's name i would go back to hang out with little delta yeah jill you're our second jill in a row no isn't that weird that is weird because i I feel like you don't ever have Jill's. I agree. I agree too. So this is semi. I also feel like I could build an entire fantasy about your life based solely on the door behind you, which is a solid wood, beautiful door. It is a nice door.

12:08You know what? It has very similar hardware to your old house. In fact, that's exactly what all the doors in our old house look like. Are you in our old house? I wish. No, I'm not. But we did just do a remodel. I guess now it's been probably about two years. And so new doors in the house. Fun. Where are you at, Jill? I am in Alaska. No shit. I think that's our first, is it? And I'm going to take just a random guess. I haven't looked in a long time. Is the sun coming up around 12.45 p.m.? When does it come up? We're about 9.30, 10. Starting to come up. And then we get about three hours of daylight-ish.

12:49Monica would not make it. I would honestly not. It's dusk, you know, a lot, but it's okay. We're hanging in there right now. What brought you there? Yeah, are you from there or did you move there? Born and raised. I'm intimidated by you and I'm impressed by you. You're scared of her. Because you could handle something I could never handle. We travel, so we're lucky in that area. But yes, it is intense sometimes. But then the summertime, we never sleep. It's light all the time and we just party. Talk about a bipolar existence. I know. Wow. Okay, you have a pet story. I do. This story took place in October of 2017.

13:28I have my notes because I have like text stuff that I'm going to read as well as we get going. But back then we had a dog named Harley. You know, they say like you maybe have a dog in your life that is the one dog that no other dog will ever compare to. And she was that dog. She was a mutt. So she was part husky. So therefore, she just loved to run a lot. And so sometimes when it was windy or when she felt like it, I would let her outside to go to the bathroom and she would just take off. And I'm like, oh, here we go. OK. But she always knew her way home. Oh, good. We live next to a huge park and woods all around.

14:04So she would just go gallivant. And sometimes she'd be gone for a day or two and she would come back. And are there any predators for her there? Yeah, but she was pretty scrappy and pretty savvy. So if we get bears in the yard, she would fight them off. Wow. She was just a really cool dog. I can't even say enough about her. She was the love of my life. So anyways, this particular day, I let her outside. She took off. I'm like, oh, OK, here we go again. But we had plans. We were going to lunch. I'm like, she's fine. She'll come back. So we go to lunch. And then as we're kind of wrapping up, I get a phone call.

14:43And it's an unknown number. I'm like, that's definitely Harley. Someone picked her up. They call, they say, hey, we have your dog. And I said, okay, great. This is what I told everyone. Not the smartest, but I was like, she knows her way home. If you just leave her, like she knows how to get home. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, totally fine. I understand. I will come grab her as soon as we come home. About 30 minutes. Okay, we don't feel comfortable just letting her go, but we'll wait for you. No problem. So as we're leaving the restaurant, I said, hey, can you please text me your address?

15:17Heading home. I just want to come grab my dog. Thanks. Four minutes later, I get a text. As we're driving, my girlfriend and I have been looking for a dog and we fell in love with yours. No, no. We are at a friend's house right now. It is 1.6 miles from your home. We were wondering if we would just be able to keep her. She is precious and seems easy to train. We want a dog that we can walk outside all the time to go adventuring and to take care of. If you do not have the time, we would love to take her. Please consider this. We would love to have her. She would be in a good home with undivided attention.

15:51Oh, so there's some shame. Well, did you take on shame? I mean, sorry. Did you feel judged? Judgment. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of one of those things. I was like, probably shouldn't have said she knows her way home. You can just let her find her way. But she does. but it does sound up maybe a little bit like whatever man that's an outdoor dog what are you fucking worrying about 100 they probably were like she doesn't even care about this dog she doesn't care if she gets hit by a car you know i get that but my husband's driving i'm in the passenger seat and our two boys are in the back seat and i'm kind of in a panic at this point and i'm like i don't have a good feeling about this so i text back and i said is this a joke she's almost 14 and a huge part of our family.

16:36I can assure you she's well cared for and loved. She's an indoor dog with husky in her, so she likes to run. Please give me your address. Yes. No response.

17:05so then i'm calling the phone number no answer they've totally ghosted me at this point i'm like now what there goes my dog other than really quick i'm clutching for straws i'm like well she's gonna get out again yeah they don't know what they're in for they're gonna take her to pee and she's gonna run right back home but they are like we're at a friend's house so if they take her to the other side of town i don't know where she's gonna end up my husband's driving i'm like i don't have a good feeling about this i don't know he said okay well here's the deal like we know the area where she usually is.

17:36She goes through our backyard into this other neighborhood and then cuts into the park. We're just going to drive over to the neighborhood and see if we can see her or see what's going on. I'm like, okay. So we're driving in the neighborhood and I shit you not, another car passes us going the other direction and she's hanging out the back window. Oh, thank God. No, but also they're on the run with her. And I completely not thinking, open my door and I'm like, Harley. But then they see me. So now they know we're on to them. My husband's like, get in the car. I'm like, okay, okay. So I jump back in the car.

18:16I shut the door. He whips around. We start chasing them, following them at this point. But they are so hell bent on stealing my dog. They are blowing through people's yards. Stop it. They almost took out a mailbox. They start driving like a crazy person. Like they've robbed a bank. They're on the run. My husband is not one to let this go lightly. So keep in mind, we do have our two children in the backseat. And we now start chasing them. And we blow through this neighborhood. They don't care. They're not stopping for stop signs. They're not stopping for anything. And you've not called 911. You've not involved the cops yet?

18:59This is the first time you've asked about 911. Well, my first thought would be like, I'm definitely tailing them, but I got to get the police involved immediately. That is a great point. No, we have not done that yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And honestly, I guess I didn't really think it would go this far. I kind of just thought like, well, once we saw her in the car, they would pull over and be like, oh, okay. I don't know what we were thinking. No, that didn't happen. So my husband is at least slowing down, kind of stopping for stop signs just to make sure no one's coming. And then we'll like hightail it after him.

19:31So we're going down this main road in Anchorage and the speed limit is 45 and we're going over 100. Oh, wow. And I'm like gripping the door, but also it's my dog. We got to get her. I would say we're probably in a high speed chase for about five miles And finally then i'm like, okay i'm calling the cops i'm like, hey, this is what's going on They had already received numerous phone calls at this point. They said you're the one chasing. I said yes They have my dog. She said no, this is not okay. You need to pull over you have to stop i'm like Okay, so I said to my husband. I was like, hey, you gotta pull over so we pull over into a gas station and the car had a personalized license plate.

20:20So we knew it wasn't hard to remember. And my husband, who is in the automotive industry for years and years, he calls in a favor to a friend and he's like, hey, run this plate for me. So we get the info on the guy. We have the address, the full name, everything. Wow. So my husband calls the phone number that we've been texting with. Of course, they don't answer, but he calls the number and he said, here's the deal, motherfucker. I know where you live. I have your address. I have your full name. I know everything about you. If you don't give my wife her dog back, I will hunt you down and kill you.

20:54I'm like, Ryan, you can't say that. He's like, I don't care. Yes, I love this. I'm an Alaskan. Yes, I'm like, oh my God. Really quick, I'm like trying to weigh out what one's a felony, what one's a misdemeanor. Dog napping versus threatening someone's life. I know. Exactly. The cops are like, just go home. We'll send someone to talk to you. The cops show up about two hours later and they read my husband, the riot act. And he's like, well, they stole her dog. And he's like, that's not a kid. You can't do this. You can't be in a high speed chase down the road. I just got to flag one thing. He's such a husband.

21:33He keeps referring to it as your dog, which is how I refer to our dogs. I'm like, that's Kristen's dog. The husband doesn't care about the dog. No, he's got to keep his wife happy. That's all his job is. He puts up with the dogs, but he doesn't care about the dog like ever. You know, he's like, whatever, it's your dog. But also he's like, no, I'm not going to let someone fuck with you. Yeah. So basically after them standing in our entryway for probably 30 minutes, just giving it to him, they kind of stopped and they didn't arrest him. And then they said, well, do you have any questions? I'm like, yeah, where's my dog?

22:09Exactly. Yeah. And the cop said she's in the back of our squad car in the driveway. I'm like, oh, they said you can come outside and get her. And it was really sweet, too, because the cop said, I understand she's a runner. She's a skinny dog. So their defense was she's malnutrition. They don't take care of her. And he's like, no, she's just athletic. I said, you can look. She free eats her food and water out all the time. She has access to whatever she wants. But she's a runner. She's skinny. It's just who she is. he said, I know, I understand. So anyways, yeah, I walked out into the driveway and got my dog.

22:45So the folks didn't get in any trouble. No. Isn't that crazy? So I wonder if he wouldn't have threatened them on their voicemail, if it would have been more that they would have gotten in trouble. We got the dog back. And in the end, that was all we really cared about. But it was funny because he does have a personalized license plate. I've seen him driving around town like three times and I always pull up next to him and roll my window down. I'm like, you stole my dog. Oh, wow. Yeah, good, good. I'm not letting him get off easy. So that was how we ended up in a high-speed chase with our dog being kidnapped.

23:21That is a great story. I'm sorry about all the details, but glad we got to hear it. This morning, our internet went out twice. Oh, boy. That's scary. What am I going to do? So my husband went and set up Starlink outside. He's like, it's fine. We're going to make this work. That's so cute. I like this guy. I do, too. I'm kind of hot for this guy. He sounds great. Well, you're radical. Thanks for chatting with us. Yeah. I'm really glad it was a happy ending. Me too. Yeah. And we lost her in the very beginning of COVID, but she was the best dog ever. So I'm really glad that I got to speak about her and give her a little shout out.

23:57Yeah. All right, Jill. Take care. Bye. Bye. Eric. Hi. Can you hear us? I can hear you. Can you hear me? We can hear you wonderfully. And I'm so excited because I do see that we have some photographic evidence of whatever story you're about to tell us. And we don't know what it is yet, but I love when there's photos. We'll give a warning before we show them. Okay. Where are you at, Eric? I'm in Northwest Indiana. So right between kind of Chicago and Michigan. Gary-ish? A little bit south, like 20 minutes. Oh, okay, great. And did you go up to the dunes ever when you were a kid? Yeah, we love it there.

24:28I take my son there all the time. Yeah, it's spectacular, isn't it? One of our favorite places. So you have a pet story? I do. This story takes place in Michigan. I was planning a family reunion, getting a bunch of the extended family together. And I decided to go to a place up along the coast. It was called Ludington. I think you might be familiar with it. Yeah, absolutely. We found a resort where we had been before. And getting everyone together was always difficult. So we had to make some concessions, bring pets along. I talked through with the owner. We paid the pet fee. Everybody's coming.

25:01Big family vacation. So off to a good start. What year is this? 2021. So we do have chain text messages. And I'm just trying to think of the logistical barriers here. But you chose an easy year to do this in. Yeah, it was a year and a half post-COVID in the summer. Everyone trying to go out and figure out what they can do for the first time. So we picked a nice outdoor activity and a reason to get everyone together. So the event happens on a night where we're a couple nights into the vacation. Everybody's having a good time. We have a nice tent set up, lights. We're having a party. I brought my eight-month-old dog who was up in our cabin.