Armchair Anonymous: Spas

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Daniel Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. And today we're going to hear crazy stories about spas. Spas, these are fun. Spas is a broad word. It could mean in a hot tub as well. We didn't get any of those. We didn't. And I buck up against that. People do refer to a hot tub sometimes as the spa and I don't know why. I don't know. And it won't be revealed in this episode, but please enjoy Crazy Spa Stories. We get support from Quince. So we've been talking about Quince a lot lately, and as we head into fall, it's the perfect time to reset your wardrobe with their amazing pieces.

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3:49I had a boat. I remember one thing. You gotta know. I'm gonna keep on shining. Hello. Kat, you're in a sound dampening cubicle, it seems. I am. Are you at work? I am. In what part of the country are you in? I am in Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, what a beautiful area. Are you from Charlotte? I'm from Eastern North Carolina, originally. Moved up to New England for a little bit, but North Carolina is just so beautiful. The weather is great. The people are nice. So I've been back for about 20 years. Wow. Oh, wow. Have you been out to Emeril Island? I grew up about an hour away. Yeah. We'd go there all the time for like senior skip day.

4:35Okay. Wonderful. Okay. So Kat, you have a spa story. I do. So I'm going to set the scene a little bit. Got married in 2009, actually on Halloween 2009. The schedule just happened that way. My husband, fiance, now husband, had a five-day weekend. So got married, have time to take a quick little honeymoon. I'd also been laid off from my job about three months prior. And the Friday before we were getting married, I got a job offer. So I was scheduled to start on Wednesday. all the things fortuitous time yeah and also like real crunch time a lot happening remember this is also 2009 so the great recession all that lots of stress yeah yeah we decided just to take a long weekend up to a really nice hotel spa place i'm not going to say the name of it because i don't want to get anybody in trouble and we really love it so and i want to be able to go back You got to protect it.

5:33So they have a really nice spa. I had never been to a spa of this caliber before. We were celebrating. So I booked my husband and I both a 90-minute massage separately, not a couple's massages. I had had massages before. I've had female and male masseuses before. Didn't really care either way. So I gave my husband a female masseuse, and I said, you know, I'll take whoever's available. Well, when the gentleman came to retrieve me, let's just say he was not bad looking. Oh, fun. Oh, my God. Tall, blonde, swimmer's body. Oh, shoulders. Of course, he was fully clothed, but you could just tell that V was there.

6:19Yes, we love arrows. And I want to back up to, I had had a mini little panic attack right before, maybe a month before the wedding. So my doctor prescribed me some very mild Xanax. And I wound up not taking any. But from our massage, I'm like, you know what? I want to fully relax. This is all over. You know, I have a job. We're married. All of the good things are happening. So I think I even took like half of one. I don't even know what dosage it was. So laying there and I'm just fully into the massage. and I start to notice that the sheet is falling a little bit. Are you in your back or your stomach at this point?

7:02I don't remember how I started. I'm assuming I started on my back because I ended on my stomach. Oh, interesting. Which is different. Reverse. Yeah, yeah, reverse back. It's literally reverse back. But there's some side boob grazing. Oh, okay. And then when you say this sheet was falling, you mean like off the side or like falling down? I felt like it was a little low. When I turned over onto my stomach, I thought it was maybe showing the little top of my butt crown. Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't care. I was all for it. I'm like, maybe this is the norm for a spa like this. You know, they're highly trained professionals.

7:41Things are going great. And I'm feeling it. I'm here for it. Right at the end, like I said, it was about a 90-minute massage. So I'd say probably about a minute 87. a hand slips under my hip and I get a happy ending. Stop it. Wait, are you serious? Oh my heavens. Yes. Wow. Now, okay, there's so much here. This is incredible. And Monica's going to need the name of the resort. No, this is an assault. Hold on, hold on. You can't say that. Of course I can say that. You didn't pay for that, did you? Well, I did tip him extra after. Okay. Wow. So you were face down and he slid his hand under there. So that's exciting.

8:28That's the only reason I remember that I ended on my stomach was because of that. So he leaves the room and lets me get dressed to put my robe on. And when I opened the door, he's standing outside and we start walking down the hall. And I remember coming from the other direction is my husband and his masseuse. And I remember him saying, oh, and here comes your husband to meet you. And I remember thinking, you dirty bird. Did you tell your husband? So this is the honeymoon, by the way.

9:11Yes, I've had a lot of mixed opinions. My husband and I meet. It's like a dark room. There's a fireplace. By this time, it's November 2nd in the mountains of North Carolina. So it's a beautiful fall day, but it is chilly. They have fireplaces burning. So we sit there, tipping on our cucumber water. And I'm like, so how was your massage? And he said, oh, it was great. How was yours? I said, it was good. I said, did she do anything different? right and he said well she gave me a scalp massage that was really nice so innocent he's like oh yeah something did happen so we sit there a few more minutes and we're like okay let's go get our bathing suits on they have a really nice grotto pool area outside they have actually if i recall it's like a donut shaped pool that's heated with a fireplace in the middle so you're really just meant to lean on the side and drink a beverage so by the time i get out there he's sitting in a lounge chair and he has a bottle of champagne and some shots.

10:11So I get a glass and a shot and I'm holding them. And this whole time I've been debating how do I approach this? So I was like, I have something I need to tell you. And he looks at me. He's like, Oh God, are you pregnant? Maybe. I don't have my two alcohol beverages. I'm like, no, but I did just get a happy ending.

10:37he looks at me and he sort of looks away and he looks at me again he's like well why didn't I get one I was like I can't help you there you need to bookmark yeah I don't know I said are you upset and he said well was there penetration I said no there wasn't he said then good for you Oh, my God. I said, so you're not mad. He said, absolutely not. I said, because I want to tell everybody the story. And he said, you should. And I knew right then of the many reasons why I married him. This was one of the main reasons. Wow. That is wild. I want a little more detail only if you're comfortable. Sure.

11:25Absolutely. Of what constitutes a happy ending. He robbed her until she orgasmed. climaxed yes oh my god how does he have the confidence someone could definitely be like this is so inappropriate i'm getting you fired right now like how does he know i don't know i know but this is like i have so many questions i have told this story i mean i was at a party one time and like some acquaintances and a random girl came up to me and we were talking about this facility and she said oh did you hear about the girl that got the happy ending i said that was me oh but i have another friend i was telling the story too and she started talking to her friends because she used to live in that area and apparently i was not the first rumor has it there had been a complaint which does surprise me because of the caliber let's attempt to weed into it a little bit it's a dangerous thing this is dangerous let's start with if you don't want that terrible that's an assault yeah i just want to be clear for anyone who finds this yes if you don't want that that's an assault.

12:29That's right. But you wanted to. Right. Right. So wouldn't you agree in this situation? This is wonderful. I think it ended up wonderful because it all worked out. But there are so many ways this could have gone absolutely horribly if she didn't want it. If the husband if this caused a huge issue with her brand new husband. An annulment. I know a lot of men that would not be OK with this. Yeah. Very high risk. But I think that's why I'm so excited about it because it's very high risk, but it worked out perfectly. I agree. Did it occur to you like, I'd like to come back and see this massage therapist?

13:03Well, I guess in this case, we could say masseuse, right? They don't like when you say masseuse because there's a sexual implication. But in this case, maybe we can say it. But at any rate, did you think like checked a box or something? Yeah. Was there any? Do you think you sent any cues? They say, do you want eucalyptus? Yeah, hot rocks. And then it's like there was like an extra box that You checked. No, I don't mean to victim blame. No one's a victim here. I think he's a kill book. You know what I mean? No, and I do think I was giving the green light vibes. I was not shutting down. I was not tensing up.

13:35It was 80 minutes of solid foreplay. Wow. Okay, post the experience, a minute 90, did you get self-conscious at the end or nervous to see him in the hallway? Or were you fine? No. That's why I brought up the Xanax, because I had taken that half. So I do remember most of it, but the inhibition was just non-existent. Oh, wow. Kat, this is great. You're really nervous, Monica. I think understandably so, especially at this specific place. That is just shocking. I wonder if it's happening with the female. No, I doubt it. Massage therapist. Well, it does happen places a lot. I'm sure. Yeah, there's a lot of them.

14:22But they're generally not nice spas. Exactly. Okay, back to, did you make a mental note like, oh, I'm going to swing through here again and get him? He's probably not there anymore, but I think a one-time experience, and it doesn't need to be repeated. That's why it happened to you. You can take a quarter of a Xanax. You're not abusing anything. You're not going to now abuse this. That's why the universe gave it to you. Well, if you go back, that's going to be an issue with the husband. Because then it's like, you know what you're doing. Every trip. Yeah. Like, where should we go for the summer?

14:51I was thinking that massage. Oh, wow. Wow. I really love that one. Yeah, it's very heartwarming. Good. Thank you. And I love your husband. Me too. He's great. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah. Yeah. Big time. Thank you for having me. This was so exciting. I listen to you guys every Friday on my way home from work. This is how I relax from the week. And I look forward to it every Friday afternoon. Oh, we're so delighted we got to meet you. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye.

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17:44Mary? Hi. Nice to meet you guys. How are you? Good. Do we have you in your living room? Where are you? I am at my husband's office, honestly. He has to help me do everything. And so I couldn't do this, which is ironic that this is what the story is about is a super supportive husband. Oh, wow. How long have you been married? We just celebrated our 30th anniversary in September. Oh, my goodness. Oh, that's so long. That's so exciting. Congratulations. Did you meet in high school? We did. In what part of the country? In Idaho. Oh, I'm going there tomorrow morning. Oh, that'll be fun. Okay. So you have a spa story?

18:18Yes. This story takes place in 2008. It is about a very supportive husband who will do anything to help me succeed at business. And so we owned a salon and spa together. And I also worked at a dermatologist office or a medispa twice a week. So on Mondays and Fridays, I worked there and I mostly did laser hair removal. And then I worked at my shop. Brad helped me run like most of the business. And I was like, I need to take more waxing classes because I do eyebrow waxes and stuff like that. But I thought I need to do more about body hair removal because I liked it so much at the dermatologist office.

18:50And I thought if I ever move over and just want to do it at my shop. I really like unwanted hair. I want to provide that service. So we searched all over for a class and I found a three-day class that was in Wisconsin. So the thing that made me want to take this class is that she seemed like, I will tell you what products to use, what machinery to buy. It was like her 20 years experience condensed down to these three days. And so all the cliff notes, I guess, of everything you'd need to know. My husband and my little boy, he was about one years old at the time. Well, you had your hands full, an outside job, a business and a one-year-old.

19:26So we go to Wisconsin and the very first day of class, we go over like which products to use and people are allergic to this. Mary, can I quickly ask you, where were you taking classes? In this person's home? Oh, at her studio. She was a doctor, like a clinic. So the first day of class, and there's about 20 people in the class and it goes really well. But by the end of the class, She said, I have some bad news, but unfortunately, our male model for the bikini wax is not going to be able to attend. And this was all going to be hands on for the next two days. So I was like, oh, that's a bummer. And everyone just kind of shrugged their shoulders like, oh, well, I feel like I already got my money's worth out of it.

20:04So I go to dinner that night with my husband and my son telling him how great the class was. And then I was like, and unfortunately, the male model is not going to come. And then I looked at him like, wait, do you want to be the model? He was like, no. So we had this entire conversation about, I don't think that we'll even put the service on our menu when we get home. And I thought, oh, that's fair. I totally agree. So I go to class the next day and I'm telling the girls, my new friends, about I wish my husband would have said yes. That would have been fun. But unfortunately, and they're like, oh, yeah, mine wouldn't either.

20:38There's no way. But everyone was just super disappointed. They're like, well, keep working on him. I'm like, OK, yeah, I'll see what I can do or whatever. That was all the second day. And we did like men's chests and legs and ears and nostrils and all kinds of body. But the last day was going to be focused on just the bikini area. Genitals. Yes. So we did all morning females. We had to do each other. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That was an intimate experience. Yeah. And I forgot to mention too that on the last day I told Brad, I was like, if you want to come, we're going to start the males at 3.30. Last chance.

21:13To show all my new friends your penis. Well, would there be like a sock over it or something? That's why this class was so important to me, because it is an etiquette of like how to have people have their dignity and still get in there and get your work done. And that's what I was mostly curious about. Of course. How do you handle it? Literally. That's where the story goes. So anyway, 3.30 comes and Brad does walk in the door. Oh, Brad is a hero. Mary, did you notice Brad had taken a shower and combed his hair? Was he his best presenting self? Well, when he walked in, he mostly just looked sheepish.

21:50And then my little boy, the receptionist was so kind to just kind of watch him. And part of the training, too, is to say, this is what you need to do to get prepared. You're going to go in this room, unrobe from the waist down, and then be on your knees first, kind of facing the opposite way. And then I'll knock on the door and come in, and the entire class gets to come back in. Just to be clear, he's on all fours naked? Yes. Holy shit. Okay. This is extreme. We're going to start with the anus. That's the easiest part. Just FYI. Yes. For the practitioner. No, for the receiver. The butt is the easiest and least painful part.

22:27I believe that. I'm just talking more of the emotional ride of presenting your anus when you're first. That, to me, sounds really hard. And honestly, one thing we always tell people is the anxiety you have before the treatment starts is when you're the most anxious. I think once the technician comes into the room and you start working, it feels so much better. Not to compare it to this experience that I'm having right now, but it's like I was more anxious before. And when to start, it's better. So the very first position is on your hands and knees. And then the instructor teaches us that when someone's nervous, they're a little bit more like a cat, like nervous and their butt cheeks are closed, which is fine, especially on a male where we want to do the buttocks first.

23:07Which women, it's not as big of a deal. we just kind of started off with doing the strip wax on the buttocks which is like when you use the muslin paper and then you have to pull it off that way and then when you go to more delicate areas then you'd use hard wax okay so the next position and she shows the difference between when the client wants to kind of leave the table and like move forward but you have to push their hips back and like keep them at the end of the table for you so you can have the closest access and you need to get in there so you just really kind of pull their hips towards you and but then you push on their back their lower back to really make their butt cheeks splay out yeah there's all these girls all the way around the whole table watching him and she'd push on the back and his bum cheeks would open up and then close and then his head was just down and i kept having this like experience of like i'm just a student and then i'd be like wait that's my husband yeah I mean, had you even seen it that close?

24:08Yeah, exactly. Examined it like that? Had you ever gotten Brad up on a table and just positioned his hips and lower back? Looked straight into his asshole. Opening close in his butt cheeks like a shutters. Wow. Dax, I thought you'd appreciate that because I think when you're in the movie or something, when you're like, oh, I'm so worried about my anus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they all saw it for sure because they covered it with a sheet afterwards. Then the very next thing is to do the scrotum. And I didn't know this, but you really want a flat surface and the skin has to be really tight. So you just push up with the balls with like a piece like, you know, and pull down.

24:44But then you can't let go. So then you have to reach over with one hand and grab this wax, so it's swirling like taffy and just lay it like buttering toast. And he's still on all fours for this? Yes. Okay, quick question, and I'm going to try to do it as appropriately as possible. possible as I can imagine. But I feel like there's a high degree of risk with him becoming aroused. I mean, strangers tugging and pulling on your testicles could definitely activate things. Right. I think that's a major question that everyone asks, but they're like, for some reason, and Brad said this too, he goes, I was so worried that that happened, but it is like the furthest thing from your mind.

25:18And then she did say, the instructor was like, I've never experienced this ever in my career because if you touch people correctly and you're doing it so professionally, I guess, then it's a different experience. But if some weird, quirky guys do happen to come in, then you can just say, this is not the service that we're rendering and just be done. But then everybody in the class was the most curious about this part, because up to this point, it's really similar to doing a female. So everyone just had to come up and push on the testicles and pull down on the scrotum. Everyone's getting in there.

25:50Is he laughing? What's his demeanor? Disassociated. He just was being a good student. Like whatever they told him to do, he just to adjust and do then after we get everything kind of cleaned up from the back because the more you clean up from the back then the easier it will be to do the front so then it is like okay brad go ahead and roll over from brad's perspective now this is when he got the most nervous because i think before he had his head down you just kind of don't think much about it you don't even realize how many people are there it wasn't until i rolled over that i saw all these faces and he was like i just kept staring at the ceiling and didn't know what to do with his hand but then this is where It really comes into keeping the dignity or the privacy.