Armchair Anonymous: Summer Camp

0:00Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. And today is summer camp stories. We have a summer theme going. It's so fun. I love summer. We got Fourth of July theme. We got summer theme. Sleepwalking, very summer. Very summery thing to do. You're too hot. Your body tells you to get up and explore and get into business. Oh, camp. Just the vibes and the lice.

0:40Oh, wow. I'm really grateful I got to go to my one little eighth grade camp. I think it was probably four days. Maybe it was three days. But I do wish I had gone to like a two-week summer camp. Learned archery or something. The bunks. Yeah. Getting in trouble. Trouble, trouble. Please enjoy Summer Camp Stories.

1:06Take them slow. My life, I had them old. But one thing you gotta know, I'm gonna keep them shining. Hello. What name do we want to go with? We're going to go with Erica. Is it a nod to a friend? It's actually my middle name, so it still feels like me, but it's not. Really smart move. Erica, where are you? I'm in British Columbia, Canada right now. About to embark on the most beautiful three months I imagine up there? Absolutely. I'm not from here, so the mountains are still very exciting. Oh, that's fun. Where are you from? I'm from Ontario. Would I presume correctly that this story about a summer camp happens in Ontario?

1:53It sure does. Okay, let us have it. I was about nine or ten years old during this story, And I was very lucky to have a stay-at-home mom. So summer camp wasn't necessary because she was home to do so many wonderful things with us. But she made me and my brother do two camps every year so we could be social and normal like every other child. They were usually like a church camp or a school camp, just something local in the community to get us out of the house. And for like a week or two? Yeah, just like a Monday to Friday type of thing. So she decides that one of my family friends is doing a sports camp.

2:33So it would be great for me to do the sports camp with her at a local school. I do not want to go. The thought of being in a school during summertime, no air conditioning, running around is like, oh, no, thank you. Would sports camp be your first pick? No, I was the type of kid that would stay up too late reading and my mom would have to come turn off the lights and say, go to sleep. Oh, what a bad, bad. Yeah, you're a naughty person, Erica. It was like pulling teeth the first day, dropping me off to get me to go. But I have a friend here. My mom is like, okay, go have fun. It's going to be good.

3:10I walk in day one. I instantly see a boy where I'm like, okay, yep, I have a crush on you. This week is going to go great. Oh, wonderful. So I go home and I say to my parents, I love camp. Can I go back next week? Please sign me up. because 10 days of getting this guy to love me is much more doable. Wow. So already at 10. So I have a daughter that that would happen to, and then I have another that that wouldn't happen to. This was the start of my boy crazy. Oh, okay, great. And was everyone doing it? It's kind of one of those things. It's like everyone has a crush. So like you got to have a crush.

3:42Totally. Especially because it was probably 70, 30 boys to girls at this camp. So it was like, okay, there's a good pick of men here. The odds were in your favor. Yeah. Yes. So I beg my parents, please sign me up for week two. They're like, this is really odd. You did not want to go, but sure, why not? We'll take another week off of not having you here. So they signed me up. I'm super excited. The rest of the week, it's basically like we're learning different sports. So this is perfect when you have a crush. I have an opportunity to be picked on your team. I have an opportunity to ask questions, to show off, to be the MVP.

4:23and get you to love me back. So at the end of the week, to reward us for being in the heat all week, our counselors let us have a water fight. Sexy. Classic water fight. Water balloons, water guns, the hose with the sprayer on the end. Like, it's full on. So as a nine-year-old girl, I'm thinking the best way to show my crush that I like him is to absolutely demolish him. Oh, sure. These are the dumb conclusions we make in our youth. He'll like me more if I humiliate him. Exactly. So I'm like, this is perfect. Can I ask Erica, how was the crush going up until this point? Was he responsive? Was there a connection?

5:05Yeah, like he picked me on his team a few times. He passed the ball to me a few times. I was feeling like I had good odds here. I'm thinking the water balloons are not enough to make my mark. I don't really have good aim. The water gun, not going to get him wet enough. Everybody's fighting for the hose. So I'm not feeling like that's my best option. So I'm looking around and I'm thinking maybe the bucket that's filled with water where all the water balloons are in would be a great idea. Like he just won the NCAA title or something. The Gatorade over the head. Boys seem to love that. Yeah. So it's not like a little gardening bucket.

5:40It's like one of those massive buckets that you have at school where the gym teacher puts all the balls in and pulls it out for recess type of thing. Not super athletic, not super strong. So not really sure why I thought this was going to work out super well for me. I take out all the water balloons. I like struggle to pick it up. I waddle on over to him to try and catch him by surprise. And as I go to turn it and dump it on his head, drop it. It comes falling down on his face. The rim of the bucket hits him right in the mouth. Instant two front teeth knocks him. Oh no, you took out his front teeth?

6:17Yes. And we're nine. These are adult teeth. These are not baby teeth. Irreplaceable. Oh, yeah. Dentures. Oh, no. In fourth grade. Yeah. My first thought is like, well, there goes my husband. I'm not coming back for week two. There's blood everywhere. His teeth are missing. The camp counselors are running over trying to put pressure on his face. Was he like, why'd you do that? Yeah. He was so mad. You're so stupid. Like yelling. I'm feeling like so embarrassed. Let me crawl up and run away. His parents come to pick him up. And obviously he's not coming back for week two of camp because he's going to have to go get new teeth.

6:57He's in surgery. Oh, fuck. Oh my God. So I have to go to week two because my parents are like, you made this decision. We paid. You're going to have to go. I go back on week two. The camp counselors say this week at the end of the week, I'm sorry. There's going to be no water fight due to an incident that happened last week. Like, everybody's looking at me like, gee, thanks a lot. You ruined this camp for us. One of our campers got carried away. Instead, we're going to be having a puzzle party. Like, what a comparison. This is disgusting. Opposite of sexy. This is grandparent-y. So I'm responsible for the puzzle party.

7:34The week goes by. It's whatever. The summer goes on. I've probably found, like, a new love of my life at my next camp. Probably church camp or something like that. And forgotten about it. I get to the end of the summer and the same friend that came to the camp with me is having an end of summer barbecue. She went to a different school than me, lived in a different neighborhood. So I didn't really know any other families that were going to be invited. So me and my parents and my brother go and all the kids are kind of talking about summer. You know, what was the most exciting thing you did? They're all kind of comparing like I went on this really cool trip.

8:07I saw this cool animal at the zoo. Really cool stuff. One little girl was so excited. She thought She had topped everybody. She felt her story was the best. So everybody's like huddled around to listen. And she is super excited to share that she got to see the inside of an ambulance, the inside of a hospital, stitches, and fake teeth because her cousin had to get oral surgery from getting his two front teeth knocked out. Oh, wow. And you were just sitting there anonymously listening as if you knew nothing about it. And everybody's like, oh my gosh, that's so crazy. And I'm sitting there like just white in the face.

8:45You're kind of like when an arsonist sticks around to watch the building burn with the crowd. Sick. Yeah, it's twisted. And did we ever find out anything as he got older? Did he weather the storm and prevail? To be honest, I wanted nothing to do with it because I think I would never forgive myself if I found out that he did not recover from this. Oh, he recovered. He has two beautiful veneers. He's fine. I really hope so. Well, Erica, thank you for that. That's a real shameful event. I can only imagine dealing with that. Yeah, I hope it's a cautionary tale. It's like, we can't let these crushes run away with us.

9:19Crushes make people do crazy stuff for bad decisions. Yes. And the funny part is, it's a tradition in firefighting. When you finish out your recruit class, you get dumped with water. And later in life, I ended up dating a firefighter. and he was finishing up his time at the fire hall. And I got invited to come dump water on him to finish off his recruit class. And I politely said, I will film somebody else. Please do the dump. You'll never trust yourself again. You could even imagine Erica standing like with a very solvable fire and unwilling to wield a bucket of water. That's right. Yeah. That's right.

10:00She has to overcome her deepest scar to save the small town We're always so grateful to have our neighbors to the north as arm cherries. We love it. Well, it's lovely meeting you. Yes. Yeah, lovely meeting you guys too. Thank you so much. Have a glorious summer up there. Thank you. Bye-bye. All right, bye. Ariel or Ariel? Nailed it on the first try, which is uncommon. Well, we happen to have an Ariel in our life who's a good friend of ours. And so I'm practiced. It's the only way that people can get it because I will straight up answer the phone. Hi, this is Ariel. out oh hey Ariel I'm like guys what yeah people don't like change I'll be like Sebastian kind of says it that way and the little mermaid I try and give all the help of it well it is a tricky one when you're looking at it phonetically in my mind as a dyslexic what I have to say to myself before I say Ariel's name out loud I have to literally think R forget that it even has an A this name starts with an R.

11:00R-E-L. You have so many tricks and tips. I have to. I did have the nickname Rels growing up because I would have to say it's R-E-L. And so that became Rels. Oh, that's so cute. See, I stumbled upon a good technique. Okay. So Ariel, where are you that you have a big walk-in closet in a basement with a training facility? So I'm actually in Oak Park, Michigan. Go Lions. Go Lions. And this is a makeshift closet. I had the clothing racks. And I encased myself in. Oh, yeah, smart. And I put a blanket over top. It is really working. The amount of time these poor armcherries put into constructing their studio, it's really sweet.

11:40It's really sweet. It's appreciated. And you have to. And you do got to do it. Or your story just might not be able to be aired. Thankfully, I already had it because they don't have closets in old houses. And I have too many clothes to possibly go in one little tiny closet. So I already had the setup. We just condensed it. Nice. Okay. Now tell me about summer camp because we didn't really do it where I grew up in Michigan, other than the junior high trip. The summer camp that I went to, and there are a couple of different ones in Michigan. The one I went to is Northern Michigan. I won't say exactly where just to keep it.

12:17Okay. Legal. We'll talk about it later in the story. I wouldn't give it like a one-to-one Wet Hot American summer comparison, but like dial down the horniness and irresponsibility five notches or so, you get kind of an idea. You know, there was the lake, there was water skiing, canoeing. We had arts and crafts. There was dance and drama. Hookups? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. In the woods. I hooked up on my trip to camp in eighth grade. You just said you didn't have camp. I said other than the school camp. Oh, this is a school camp. So I went to the school camp. Yeah, and I had a nice hookup in the woods.

12:51It's so fun. That plays into the story for sure. I went to this camp from the time I was like eight years old. You're a camper until you're like 15. And so I was a little late bloomer in the romance department. So I didn't have any fun hookup stories from when I was a camper. This story takes place in 2010. So I was actually a nanny at the camp. So I was camper there. And then instead of being a counselor, I was a nanny for the director's kids because they were too young to be in camp. So it was a pretty cush job because you get all the fun of camp without any of the rules that the counselors have to abide by.

13:28Yeah, what age were you nannying there? 2010, I was like 19 years old. So a lot of the staff is returning campers, but we also have international staff. We got Aussies, we got Kiwis, we got Brits. Nothing is hotter, right, than some guys with accents. So it's pretty exciting at the start of camp. Some people have been there for pre-camp and there's already been hookups and things that have been established. Camp's like a dating show. It's like one of these love islands. And you also think everyone's hotter than they are in real life because we call it camp goggles because it's your only option.

14:02We adjust quickly as humans. It's kind of shocking. Oh, yeah. But no camp goggles were needed for me this summer because this guy, we're going to call him Liam. I mean, he was just exactly what you would want for a summer fling. He's tall, handsome, ripped, plays guitar and British. Okay. Like a British can. Truly, you know, as you were saying, hookups in the woods. You don't really want that because there's mosquitoes, but we got to get creative when we're trying to figure out where we're going to be hooking up. So people have their cars. You could be upper parking lot in the car, but it's a little cramped in there, but you can make it work.

14:41You have days off. So that's always nice. You can go stay in a hotel in the local city. We had some in a canoe in the arts and crafts room. Yes, romantic. That's almost like the T-Rex mouth, similar size. Obviously, no banging in the bunks. That's where you're going to get busted, right? Correct, because there's campers in there, and that would be wildly inappropriate. Yes. But that didn't exactly stop us from doing something else wildly inappropriate.

15:28When I look back on this, I'm 19, I'm horny. It is what it is. After the campers go to sleep, there's counselors that have to be on night watch, but then everyone else can go off. There's a local bar that you can go up to, but you have to be back in time for the curfew, which was like midnight. Everyone has to be in their cabins. So we figured this might be a safe option. Everyone's already in their cabins. It's like 1am. We decide to meet in the boys' BASOC, which I'm sure you're not familiar with this term. I'm not sure if it was our camp thing or all the camps have it, but it's basically a large building that half of it is toilets and the other half is stalls of showers that's located in back boys.

16:10So that's where all the older boy cabins, they didn't have toilets and stuff in their cabins. They had the bay sock that they all had to go to. So it's 1am. I mean, everyone should be sleeping. Why not take a shower together? So romantic. We're in the shower. We're trying to manage the intricacies of shower sex. There's a couple of things we all think are going to be great, and they're terrible. Fucking in a shower is terrible. Fucking in a hot tub is terrible. And fucking on an airplane is terrible. Did you wear flip flops? So I would love to tell you yes. I'm glad you're being honest. We were just really excited.

16:49The mildewy, disgusting floor. We're not worried about it at this time. What we should have been worried about is what happened next. Because we're showering and we hear the door open. We freeze. It's fine. They're just going to go to the bathroom. And then we're going to be quiet. And then they'll leave. And then we can resume. It'll not be a problem. If you're in there by yourself taking a shower, you're not thinking, well, they're going to come into my shower. Never. What we didn't factor in was that one of the other counselors knew what we were doing, and he may have played a role in what happened next.

17:22So we hear footsteps. The toilets are in a different area. There should be nobody coming over here. And they're getting closer and closer. And the curtain whips open. I scream. I jump behind Liam. Like, I can't even give you enough details of what happened at this time because it was a 12-year-old camper. I knew who this camper was. He is the biggest shit-talking little camper. The last person. Not that I would have wanted any of the male campers to see what was happening in the shower. Sure, sure. But Liam, like, shoves him out of the shower. I couldn't tell you how I got back to my cabin that night.

18:00It was a blur. But all I knew was this isn't going to be the end of it. The humiliation will not be stopping. at getting caught having sex in the shower by this 12-year-old. I was not proven wrong because that morning you go to the mess hall, which is where you have meals and everything, and it's very common for different cabins to do little cheers. There's ones that all the camp knows about, or you can do more specific ones. And of course, without fail, breakfast. We didn't even make it to lunch. I hear, quiet, please, from this cabin. Where there's a clock, you'll find an hour. hey Ariel meet you in the shower oh my they already crafted a rhyme wow and it's only okay our shower that's pretty good everyone is in here the directors the camp owners who I've known since I'm eight years old because I've gone to this camp they know my parents you're also taking care of children there's an added like I'm not being responsible you must be thinking I'm getting fired today.

19:02I was horrified. And of course, the cheer was about me. It was not about the big house. Why would he be involved in there and catch any flack from that? No, he's a hero. Of course. Needless to say, I did not hear the end of it. I did not get fired because again, this is tame. I mean, there was kids who got kicked out for smoking weed. There was plenty of things happening. I think if I was a counselor, I may have gotten fired, but since I was the nanny. Yeah. Yeah. Did they talk to you though? Like, look, here's the thing. We love the spirit. We all know camp's fun. Yeah, camp is frisky. You got to stick to the cars in the upper parking lot, out in the woods with the mosquitoes.

19:43Do it right. Yeah, I did not get away without a little bit of a lecture because it was somebody who was kind of like my camp mom. Ooh. Yeah. You know what wants to hear that from your mom. It went on for the rest of the summer. And at the end of the summer, there's like a campfire where kind of skits are done. And the owners and directors did a skit where they included a chant about this occasion as well. Oh, my God. You were the head of the camp. I didn't go back the next summer, but I did return for one more summer. And of course, those campers were 15 years old at that time. They were the oldest campers in camp.

20:20And day one, cheer right back. They did not forget. Oh, yeah. They're so excited you're back. I have gone down in Camp Laura as the girl who got caught having sex in the shower. Nice. That's pretty cool. Did you stay in touch with the cute Brit? Did he move home and then you wrote letters and then it piddled out at some point? We did stay in touch and it kind of piddled. And then we would say happy birthday. And I actually, eight years later, went to London for my first and only solo trip. And I told them I was coming. And we were able to use a bed this time. Oh, wonderful. I love this. And was he still hot?

20:58Hot, rode a motorcycle. He took me to see a play. What? Wow. Wow, this is the dream. Yeah, you're living a good life. We did it. We were horrified. I could not find it funny at the time for the shower. Are you going up north this summer? I don't have any plans to because I'm actually getting married in September. So all of our money and energy is going into the wedding and the honeymoon. That makes sense. Got it. Does your betrothed know about Liam? He is a sweet and a real trooper because I practice telling the story. That's a good husband. He's a good boy. Well, it's lovely to talk to you. I love our Michigander cherries.

21:38Yes. And if it's okay, my sister. Yes. This is Sam. Hi, Sam. We have one more, but she is hardworking right now. Shout out, Ryan. We love you. One of you has got to work hard. Okay. I am a pediatric nurse. Okay. Do you have any stories about up your butt? So I do not have any foreign objects in the rectum. Good job, Michigan. I do have stories I could write in about, but the peds part of it makes it a little dicey of if I should share that on the pod. So glad I ended up here for this one. You made the right ethical decision, but I would want to hear at a dinner party for sure. Yeah. Oh, I have one that you would really.

22:19I got a hunch that there's some Lincoln logs in butts. Oh, let me just say the term diaper snacks. Oh, oh, oh. Well, it's great meeting you, Michiganders. We love you. Have a great summer. Thanks for listening. Bye. Diaper snacks. Yummy. That sounds horrible. I'm a little consumed with my scab. Yeah, I've noticed. I think I might need to get a band-aid and cover it up. Is it worse to see a scab or a band-aid? A band-aid. It's worse. Scabs are cool. Scabs and scars. Hi. Hi. Can you guys hear me okay? Oh, beautifully. First, I want to applaud your parents for spelling Sarah. S-A-R-A. I was born in Japan, and my mom was worried that if she put an H on the end of my name, the Japanese would pronounce the H at the end.

23:13Yeah, that makes sense. So they just simplified it. All right, where are you, Sarah? I actually am in Berlin, Germany. Oh, my God. You are a traveler. Get the fuck out. What's happening in Berlin, Germany? My husband and I moved here with our kids about two and a half years ago. We work for a local German church here. We're originally from Seattle, but we're just on an adventure over here, and it's been awesome. I thought Germans were largely atheists. They are. So we actually have a lot of interesting conversations, but we've found Germans are really interested in having very open conversations.

23:48So even if they don't agree or we have different perspectives, it's a really cool place to just explore worldviews with people. Yeah, they're interested instead of threatened, right? Yeah, and they're really comfortable with disagreeing, which we love. And also one of the reasons I love your podcast is you guys really create space for conversations like that. Oh, thank you. Okay, so you're really a world traveler born in Japan now in Berlin. I wonder where this camp is. Yeah, where the fuck is this camp? Moscow? The camp is outside of Philadelphia in a small town called Schwanksville, Pennsylvania.

24:23That's horny. Schwanksville? It sounds a little bit like schwing or something. Know your audience. Know my audience. I think I do. I think they know I'm a pervert. Know your host? I know who I'm talking to. Don't worry. I worked at this camp every summer that I was in college. They do a lot of really incredible programs with different organizations in Philadelphia serving inner city youth, getting them out of the city for the summer. It's so much fun. But this story takes place during a training week. So we didn't have any campers on the site, which is important because that means that we didn't have any medical staff.

25:01Oh, okay. When we were running programs, we always had a fully trained nursing staff. But during training weeks, just the full time staff was there, which consisted mostly of 18 to 22 year olds. This was back in 2012. I was 20 years old. This summer I was the head lifeguard. So I was helping to train another team of life guards during this training week, which also meant that I and one other girl were the only first aid certified people. People are all over the property training in different activities. and we're doing a classroom training session for some new lifeguards. And a girl runs into the lodge that we're in and says, help, help, he fell from a tree.

25:49Oh. We'll call him Tony. She says, Tony fell from the high zipline platform. Oh. Oh my God. Which is at least 30 feet in the air. Oh, fuck. This could be career ending. My stomach just drops. Me and the other first aid girl grab our kit and we're running. We have to get in a golf cart because this platform is on the other side of the property. And we're asking this messenger questions. You know, is he conscious? What's going on? And she's like, I don't know. And Tony is another counselor. Yes, he was there also as a volunteer. And he was training to run the zip line for campers. You know, I'm like, is Tony dead?