Armchair Anonymous: Unexpected Orgasm II

0:02Welcome, that should have been for Halloween. I never did. It's okay. You can do it now. Okay. Whoa. Welcome. Welcome. Boo. Oh. To Archer Anonymous. Ooh. Today, back by our popular demand. Yeah. Unexpected orgasm number two. It's good. These are great. It's good. And I'm always, I will say I'm always a little apprehensive. You're really nervous people are going to fib. Yeah, I am. I'm nervous about fibbers and my radar's on, But I don't believe any of these to be fibs. No. And in fact, one I'll add, we're having fun, fun, fun, fun. Three people are spraying all over the place. That's fun. And then another person, they're spray, spray, spray.

0:49And then, oh, it's not very fun. It's not fun. And we learned something. Yeah. Yeah. It took a turn. Please enjoy Unexpected. And literally, I hope everyone gets to enjoy an Unexpected Orgasm. Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

1:30to know. I'm gonna keep on shining. Hi. Hello. Hello. What a warm, comfy, inviting sweater you're in. Is it fall weather where you're at? It is. Nice and cozy. I'm not mad about it. Where are you? I am in British Columbia, friendly neighbor of the north. Do you have a fake name that you've already picked out? I would love for you two to come up with one for me. Dreamed of this happening. Betsy. Okay. Yeah. Betsy's a very fun name for an unexpected orgasm. Like, oh, you know, Betsy, right? She's unpredictable. Can't believe I'm about to say this story. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Yes. I applaud this.

2:14We feel very honored. Literally, I just told my husband this story when I submitted it. So this is the second time I'm now saying this out loud. He had never heard it. No, this was buried deep in the archives. And really quick without giving any of the story away. What was his reaction? I'm assuming he loved it. He loved it. Yeah. These are good stories for husbands. They want that. And it should be across the board because an orgasm is a gift. Nature gave us a couple gifts and this is one of them. I would agree. And if one smacks you out of nowhere, how exciting. Okay. Okay. Let's hear it. Okay.

2:45I'll get right into it. So set the scene here. This story took place about 15 years ago. I was a senior in high school at the time. My family were very adventurous travelers and we were going on kind of one of our last big family trips before I went off to university the next year. And we were going to India for a whole month. A month. They are adventurous. Yeah. My parents and younger brother had left a week before me. I had to stay behind to finish exams, which I wasn't mad about because being typical 17 year old home by myself for a week, I decided this is the time I'm going to throw a massive house party.

3:20This is a night I was going to lose my virginity to this boy that I've been seeing. Oh, wow. So much on the table. I'm approving of the second game plan. The first one, the house party. This is my big nightmare. Really? Yeah, I've got two kids and I've got a pretty good place to host a party and I travel. It's coming. Brisky business. Oh, God. So anyways, as you can imagine, night did not go according to plan. I got way too drunk to have sex, ended up passing out. Did get some action. So I was happy about that. But no, not the full shebang. So sadly, woke up very much still a virgin and with a very trashed house.

4:00Okay, so all that to say, I was very horny teenager. Sex is all I could think about at this point in time. So the thought of spending three weeks in India sharing hotel rooms with my family meant no chance of funny business. And this was honestly devastating. I was pretty active in the self-entertainment department. Right. And if you don't mind my asking, we're talking daily. I just want to comp it to my activity as a teenager. Probably daily at this point. Good for you. Yeah, that's great. Miss those days. Fast forward to the end of the trip. We're in India. The trip is going great, having a fun time.

4:36But at this point, I'm feeling pretty pent up. My sex drive, all time hi. I've been messaging this boy back at home. I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife, which turns out was a very steamy novel. Isn't it like really sad? You can like hardly be contained, Betsy. I love this. You're about to explode on the family vacation. I feel like that book is extremely sad. Is it? And sexy? I don't remember the sexy part. Maybe her kink is like being really depressed. Oh, I understand. I don't know. I feel like I need to revisit this book because I also remember being very sad now as an adult, but I remember this book was getting me going.

5:13Anything would get you going, it sounds like. You're just primed. I'm really just counting down the days till I'm home and can have some privacy. So we're in the Jaipur region and we're so excited to go on this tiger safari. So we pile into this big open truck bed, kind of like a smaller semi-truck, and there's like two benches where people are just sitting facing each other. And we're just in the open. So there's probably about 20 of us sitting on these benches facing each other. Can I interrupt you, Betsy? Are you, Monica, doing what I'm doing? I'm like, okay, is it going to be an elephant orgasm?

5:42This will be new. Like riding the elephant, grind, grind, grind. And then I'm like, ooh, rickety truck through the jungle. Bounce, bounce, bounce. I'm like trying to figure out what's a red hair. I have an idea. We don't want to spoil anything. Yeah, we don't. I just wanted to know if you were trying to ratchet through options. I have a thought. Like, oh, someone brought a broomstick. Oh, okay, there's a broomstick in the mix. Oh, God. We're on this truck. We are the only white people on this truck surrounded by kind of a bunch of local families and young children. And I will say the whole time we were in India, everyone thought I was a Bollywood star.

6:14I don't know why. I had very dark, long hair at this time. I was getting pictures taken of me nonstop. Oh, wow. All eyes were on me kind of at all times. So the families are looking at us, kind of giggling, waving, taking some pictures. So I'm sitting between my dad and brother. My mom's off to the side of us. and we take off through this jungle literally on the bumpiest dirt road possible we are flying 50 miles per hour for sure like there's no way we were ever going to spot an actual tiger it was pure chaos oh he's just getting through he made me a prior engagement maybe he had to tonka maybe he'll call for sometimes there's overlaps on unexpected stuff happening yeah we're thinking okay this will eventually slow down like once we get to the tiger spotting area But about 30 minutes into flying down the road, we realized, okay, this is probably what the whole excursion is going to be like.

7:05So we're laughing to ourselves, realizing we definitely booked the budget version of this tour and are probably not going to see any tigers. The guys are just chit-chatting away, not even looking into the juggles. Indians love to talk. So before we left, I had chugged a few tri-tees because I was and am obsessed with them. Rookie mistake, didn't go pee before we got on this truck. It's about this time that I realize I have to pee so insanely bad. My eyes are watering like there's tears streaming down my face and I've been clenching for the past 20 minutes. This truck is not slowing down like we're just flying bumping like crazy.

7:41And the guides really don't speak much English. I'm super shy like there's not a chance in hell I'm waving them down to be like, hey, can you stop the truck? Just let me get off. I'll just go pee on the side of the road. But I did know that we were eventually going to stop for a bathroom and snack break at the halfway point. So I'm just squeezing for dear life until then. And so we're continuing on, no stopping in sight, still flying. Every bump is really unbearable. And I'm starting to feel that familiar tension building in the downstairs region. Wow. So you recognize that it's like, wow, this is transferred into a mix of pain and a bit of pleasure.

8:16Yes. Combination of the bumps, full bladder, three weeks of not being able to release, apparently reading the time traveler's wife, just being a very horny teenager. The thought of tigers, maybe, too. That's what I thought. I'm realizing what is about to happen, and I feel like I have no control over the situation. Yeah, wow. What? Wow. And so I don't know about you, Monica, but when I have a full bladder, I can have, like, insanely intense orgasms, and very quickly. Monica's never had a full bladder. That is true. I don't drink enough water to have a full bladder. I sometimes don't always pee before sex.

8:52I have heard this. This was where this whole tip started. But suddenly it hits. It's honestly, I think, the strongest orgasm I've had in my entire life. Oh. Oh. Like to the point where you need to get vocal? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not one to orgasm suddenly. I'm usually like very, very flushed. I have a hard time being quiet. So at this point, I'm just trying not to make eye contact with the families across from me who are staring at me, trying not to touch my brother or dad who are sitting very close to me. This goes on for at least 30 seconds. Wow. It's the orgasm of your life. It literally was. I'm still trying to reach that kind of high again.

9:35Do you think part of it is because it was bad? You're trying to not. I think so. The tension was just so high. I'm bright red. Like I can tell my face is on fire. I'm shaking like I'm vibrating. I'm definitely being audible. I'm gasping. I'm really trying. I'm just looking down. Are you moving your body? Riving? I was more like shaking. So my dad turns to me. Oh, no. And he's literally like, This is horrifying. Are you okay? Like, what's happening? It's obvious. I'm having some kind of medical incident. Like, everyone is staring at this point. Oh, my goodness. And so I see my parents look at each other out of the corner of their eye.

10:17And I swear they're thinking like, did that just happen? Because I'm not responding. I'm just sitting there. I'm looking down. I'm trying to gather myself. Sure. You need a cigarette. I'm just sitting there trying to process the fact that I just had a 10 out of 10 orgasm next to my dad and brother and mom and while 15 other people watched me. so I'm praying a tiger jumps out of the jungle at this point to take eyes off me like this is horrendous did you still have to pee after that yes so I was gonna say the story doesn't quite stop there I'm sitting in my post-orgasm shame for probably another 15 minutes or so when we finally get to the midway point of this tour I'm clenching for dear life so excited because I know there's gonna be a bathroom here so we pull up still just in the middle of the jungle and there's this clearing with this little cement structure.

11:07So I'm like, okay, thank God there's the bathrooms. I try to like subtly make my way over there. I'm speed walking, get to the bathrooms. It's just three cement walls with open back, just facing to the jungle. And I go in and it's just a little drain in the middle and there's no roof. So you can kind of hear everything going on. So I make it to the bathroom first as I was speed walking over there. So by the time I'm in there, The entire truck is now lined up to use this washroom because people probably similarly to me were dying on this bumpy truck. And so it turns out I had been clenching so hard that I literally could not relax my pelvic floor.

11:46Like it was stuck. And you're squatting. It's not like you can relax your muscle. And the back is open to tigers. Yeah. Nothing about this is a calm situation. I hear the people out there. I've been in there for way too long already, probably going on five minutes. I hear my mom. She's like, are you OK in there, honey? As if that's ever helped with anything. Absolutely not. And I know that if I push any harder, it could be possibly a Hanna situation. Yeah, sure. All those chai teas. Yeah, I gave up. And I had to get back on the truck for an hour drive back. It was excruciating. This was the worst hour of my entire life.

12:26I get back to the hotel, pee for what felt like five minutes. did have a bit of a Tonka situation. So thank God, didn't push any harder. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Wow, I'm glad you made it back. Wow, you had so much happening in your lower GI. Yes. Yes. Maybe your mom and brother and dad thought... You shit yourself. Right. That could have been it. And then luckily you were in the can forever. Exactly. So they're like, oh, yeah, she definitely... That reinforces that it was that. I'm going to lock that away in my mind that that's what they think and we'll go with that. Yeah. I guess I can only say as a parent, like my thought of my parents seeing me orgasm is absolutely a nightmare.

13:07Now, conversely, your kids are just these dumb things. Everything's whatever. You clean their poop. I promise even if they did think it, they're not like, oh, she's a pervert. You're just like, oh, this is new. Kind of like the time she pooped up the back of her clothes and her diaper. Definitely worse from my perspective. What I think could have more likely happened is that you could have developed in that moment a very interesting kink because your greatest orgasm was in public being stared at and being shamed. Like I could imagine this turning into some weird kink. I could, too. Did it? No, I am still so mortified being that this is the second time I'm speaking this out loud.

13:44I thought it was going to be that a tiger appeared. Oh, and you sprayed. Yeah. Yeah. You just got so excited and into it. It was so majestic. And tigers are hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And feisty and scary. Well, they're solitary. They're unavailable because they're solitary. Yeah, that's right. You know they'll never really link up with you. Happy ending to the story. The boy I was trying to get with before the trip did lose my virginity to him, and he's now my husband. Oh, my God. You're married to the guy. Wow. I also just want to say thank you both. you've changed mine and my husband's life by introducing us to Emily Berger.

14:21It's now an obsession. We might be the only two people who talk about it more than you guys. Oh, wonderful. Where did you get it? New York? Yes, planning a weekend trip back there just so we can go eat there. I'm also gluten free because of autoimmune, but it was the one time I've cheated in eight years and it was so worth it. I agree. That's the place I'll do it. That pretzel bun. Oh, well, Easter egg. We are going to have Emily on. So maybe we'll get to find out how she stumbled upon that recipe. So nice meeting you. That's a great story. Just loved it. Great meeting you guys. Monica, congrats on Beth Stead.

14:55Just binged the first two episodes this morning. I'm hooked. Oh, good. Thank you so much. It gets way more twisty. Can't wait. All right. Well, take care. Have a great rest of your day. Bye. Wow. Oh, what a great story. Next to your dad. Yeah, no, no. That part is rough. Yeah. You know you gotta spray when you can do it. Right, exactly. That's how intense it was. What I know from that story is I've never had an orgasm that good. Really? Yeah, I just can tell. Why? Well, first of all, 30 seconds? My God. Rob, how long do yours last? 95 seconds. Oh! 95 seconds. On average.

15:53hello hello hello dylan how are you wonderful do you work in customer service are you a gamer why do you have this great headset i do not but i just got this from a new laptop box so thanks for calling that out oh wow it just came as a free accessory yes and dylan where are you i'm in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. Another Canadian. We just had a Canadian. You Canadians like to come on accident. I guess we do. I'm wondering if I could possibly be the most northern caller to Armchair Anonymous. How high up are you? Are you on the same latitude as parts of Alaska? Yeah. So not quite in the Arctic Circle, but close.

16:32Oh my goodness. And what are you doing up there? I'm a land surveyor. Okay. You've got the tripod and you're out there dialing that thing in. That's me. Were you like an outdoorsy kid? Were you a Boy Scout-y type kid? How did you get drawn to that? Yeah, always outdoors. That's what kind of drew me to the profession. And do you have a lot of bear encounters? A couple polar bear stories. That's cool. So you have an unexpected orgasm story. Yeah. And this is a bit of a twofer. Kind of blends in the story with some lovely prompts that you love on it. I'm sure. Oh, boy. Wonderful. This is great, great, great.

17:07Okay, so I'll set the scene. So this was, I guess, 10 years ago now. My girlfriend at the time and her mother had just moved towns. And they had just gotten the keys to their new house. So we had decided we were going to do renovations. We were going to be painting all day. There were some tradesmen there doing some work on the house. So we get there, everything's going well. And I get the urge that I need to shit my pants. I need to use the bathroom now. So I'm weighing out my options. I am seeing that the plumber is now working on the toilet and is replacing that. So the toilet is on the back deck.

17:43Oh, okay. This being a new town, it's a Sunday morning. Not really sure what's open. Also, how rural is this? Do they have neighbors? Could you shit in the woods? Great question. So I'm from a very rural area, but they just moved into like in town limits. Shitting's frowned upon in the yard. Yeah. And new neighbors. So it's a corner lot, so streets on two sides and then back to neighbors on the other. And I'm realizing that this is a very urgent situation. A little bit of backstory. Pooping issues on my life. I would go days and days and days without pooping. And then your body's like, this is happening now.

18:15Yeah. Sounds like IBS. Or an opiate addiction, either or. Hopefully the first. So I step out on the deck. I see that there's no real good spots in this new backyard to hide. I see the toilet on the deck. I'm like, well, maybe I could just do that. Oh, my God. That feels crazy. But better than pooping right on the deck. But then what? They're going to bring it in with the poop? He's going to then take it into the grass and take a hose and spray it all out. Somehow without anyone knowing. Oh. I mean, who knows? That would have been super logical. You know, you're not thinking straight at that time.

18:49So as I'm weighing out these options, I am also noticing that our elderly new neighbors are in their windows just peeking at us and super excited to come say hi. Oh boy. The only thing that I know is open being the Sunday morning. There's a gas station about five minutes away. I make the decision that I'm going to drive to this place or at least find somewhere where I can go do my business. As I'm running to my car, the elderly couple step outside and how's it going? You know, trying to introduce yourself. Sorry, I gotta go. Bye. Yeah. Oh, okay. Good. You have to protect yourself. Not the time.

19:21So I'm in the car. I'm driving, you know, radio silent. And I'm realizing this is bad. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it. I'm looking around, seeing if I can just pull over anywhere. And I'm not seeing much. So I just decided I'm just going to gun it to the gas station. I am clenching with everything I can. Shoulders are backed up against the seat, left foot against the floorboards. And I'm now lifted up off the seat of the car. It's a dire situation. And then all of a sudden, my legs start to tremble. And I let out this guttural moan. My legs give out and I explode in my pants with semen. Wait, what?

19:58With semen. What? I absolutely came and I was so confused. Oh my God, he blew it. Money. This is so confusing. He was squeezing so tight and then somehow. Wow, okay. Did you have the waves and sensations of pleasure? It was an insane orgasm. Good or bad? Good. Wow. It was wild. Okay, this is not that dissimilar from the last story. She had too much yawn. She had to pee her pants. The pressure that's happening below. Yeah, below deck. Boy, did it build. Not only that, but I realized I think I've definitely shit my pants. Okay, at the same time, sure. Lots going on down there. However, I'm still like super clenching and realizing like this is not done.

20:46So gas station in sight. I'm in total shock. I'm like, what just happened to my body? Wait, I'm sorry. I have a question really quick. So when do you think you got hard? That's such a great question. I'm so glad you asked. Thank you. Not hard or aroused in the slightest bit. I was completely shocked. An erection-free flaccid orgasm. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow. That's cool. Should be studied. That's an anomaly. Yeah. So I continue driving, still realizing that this is not over. I realized I have to go to the attendant like at the front of the gas station ask for the key i'm like pulling down my sweater in the front of my jeans i'm like crouching over probably looked more obvious realizing now as a 16 year old boy oh man i'm like can't please have the key i'm hastily running into the bathroom because it's still a dire situation and i don't even shut the stall door when i absolutely destroy their bathroom and pull down the pants and realize that yep full of cum and fair bit of shit in there as well.

21:49Oh my god. What a visual. So I did the only thing possible, which was to lie and tell my girlfriend that I wasn't feeling well. I threw my underwear out and I drove home in silence for 45 minutes questioning what just happened. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're 16. You're really liable to be afraid of anything. Oh, you're always waiting to find out there's something defective about you. Oh my God. The body just will betray us at any moment or reward us. No, No, this is a betrayal. Shitting in your car isn't fun. No, but the sprain. I know, but it's like, how did my body just do that without my permission?

22:23Yeah, now we're getting into some real familiar territory for you. PTSD. Oh, Dylan, what a lovely. Yeah, double whammy. Thanks for sharing. Thank you so much. This is so cool that I'm getting the chance to talk to you guys. This is incredible. My sister loves Armchair Anonymous. We talk about them every week, and I didn't tell her I'm doing this. shout out see when she pieces it together well it's great meeting you brother I'm delighted there's someone at the top of the world listening to the show it's kind of exciting be careful with the polar bears will do take care bye bye hello can you hear me beautifully is it Kylie it is where are you at Kylie I'm in San Marcos, Texas right outside of Austin pretty sure that's where Monica almost drowned yes we too there oh shit San Marcos River that's where I was are you from there I've lived here for about 15 years.

23:16And do you love it? Do you recommend it? 10 out of 10. Recommend. San Marcos River's best river in the world. Yeah. I've tubed it like four or five times, I think. It's so delightful. And it's warm. Yeah. It's 72 degrees in the water every day of the year. And then Texas is just hot all the time. Oh, beautiful. So already, you know, you are a very kind-looking, sweet-looking person. I would even say just at first glance, maybe even shy. So this is really incredible that you're willing to share this story with us. It's very admirable. Thanks, y 'all. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity. Are you shy?

23:51Yeah, and I get that wrong. I wouldn't say I'm normally shy. I think talking about this is a little out of my comfort zone. A couple people really strongly recommend. I don't use my real first name, but I'm going for it. Oh, good job. God bless. Okay, well, you've heard our previous one, right? Aren't they so life affirming? Like they just make you happy, these stories generally. Totally. I went back and re-listened to them and it gave me some confidence. Okay, great. Set the scene for us. Okay. So I grew up in Des Moines, Iowa, and I was a horse girl through and through. Loved riding horses. Started when I was a little girl taking lessons at the barn.

24:31I'd worked out a deal with the barn where I could feed and muck stalls on the weekends to help pay for my lessons. My dad was a school teacher. My mom was a nurse, so we didn't have tons of extra income to support this very expensive habit, but they were able to scrape it together to get me this discount right off the track thoroughbred. And I was really excited. Oh, wow. My friends had these fancy imported warm bloods, but I was happy with my guy. And aren't those racehorses, they're real twitchy and kind of erratic, no? It takes a lot to ride one of those successfully. Big time. And this one hadn't been trained very well.

25:08All he knew how to do was go really fast. So in the winters, it's really snowy in Iowa. So we're not able to ride outside. So we get switched to the indoor arena. And one of the things our trainers do during our lessons is take our saddles away from us sometimes just to help work on building stability, balance, create good core engagement. In the winters, we would just kind of get in that routine of not riding with saddles. So one winter day, I go to the barn. It wasn't for a lesson. It was just a normal training ride. And I wanted to be a good student. So I was like, you know what? We'll forego the saddle.

25:46I've got this. When you're riding, there's a few different gates. There's the really gentle walk, pretty self-explanatory. Then you go into a trot, which is a lot bouncier. Not super comfortable when you have a saddle. Definitely not comfortable when you don't have a saddle. And then there's the canter, which is this really nice kind of loping gait. My horse, the retired racehorse that he was, he was always wanting to go as fast as he could during this. So it was this like push-pull kind of dynamic between the two of us. But we get into the canter. It's going great. He's pulling a little bit. I start to notice these kind of spasms in my abdominals.