Armchair Anonymous: Unique Kink

0:01Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. We're thrilled about this one. Look, one of our favorite things is hearing that people listen to this show with their kids. It's so fun to hear that. This is not that episode. Yeah. This is not that episode. It's not. And yet, it's almost more PG than Rat Water Bottle. Well, that's a gross factor. But the middle one goes hard. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I mean, these are great. They're great. They're great. But you're right. They're cute. They're cuter than we were expecting. Of course, it's unique kinks.

0:37Tell us about a unique kink you have. I loved it. It won't be the last. Well, it might be the last. These are brave individuals. Yeah. Among our bravest. We're very grateful to the people who wrote in for this one because very vulnerable. Very vulnerable. And we appreciate it. Please enjoy Unique Kinks. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow.

1:15Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good. Are you nervous? Yeah. Don't be. I am so proud of anyone that responded to this prompt. I think it's incredible. I was like, well, this is kind of awkward. Hopefully you'll find that we're the perfect people for awkward. Do you want a fake name? It's okay. Okay, great. And do you go by Amanda or do you go by Mandy? Amanda. My family calls me Mandy. I had a hunch. That's cute. Yeah, if I had an Amanda, I'm sure I'd end up calling her Mandy. That's a good nickname. We call Delta Delty. Everything gets just an E at the end. Sure. Linky, Delty, Monty. Where are you at, Amanda?

1:57Ohio. Oh my goodness. We just got off the phone with someone from Canton, Ohio. Oh, really? That's where my husband works. That's crazy. Yeah. So you're in that general area of Ohio? Yeah, Mansfield area. Okay. And are you from there? Yep. This is where I grew up. Now, do you ever go to Chappelle's town? I don't think I've ever heard of that. Well, Chappelle lives in some town by Dayton, and I think he's bought up most of the town in his standup, he claims. Dave Chappelle. I literally thought you meant a place called Chappelle Town. Oh, sure. Maybe I'll change that to the name. Actually, I think it's near Springfield because my cousin lives there.

2:35Okay. But you've never been curious to go see what's happening over there? I haven't. Okay. So you have a kink story. Yes. So it's a very strange turn on, I guess I would say. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. The stranger, the better. I grew up knowing of my husband. We went to the same school growing up, but I didn't really like know him. We weren't really friends. I just knew of him, especially because he has something about him that makes him stand out. That's like different. So when I moved back to my hometown as an adult, we reconnected. And so I remember who he was because of that unique thing, which is that he has one eye.

3:22Okay. Very memorable. And really quick, Like, what grade was it that you stopped being around him? We went to school together. All the way to senior year? Yeah. How long had you been gone? I had been graduated for like six years. And was he wearing a patch? No. So he has a prosthetic. I started dating him and that's how I remembered him. I'm like, oh yeah, that's the kid I went to school with. He had one eye. There wasn't very many of them. Did he pay a big price for that? Were kids nice to him? Sometimes kids can be jerks, but nothing too terrible. It's not like super noticeable. So anyhow, fast forward, we started dating and things were going really good.

4:01And then one night before we were going to bed, he said, okay, well, we're about to move to the next step in our relationship. And I'm like, what do you mean? Apparently his eye was irritated. And so he was like, I'm going to take my eye out. Oh yeah. And I have to clean it. And I'm not going to sleep with it in. At this point, I guess I never thought about the fact that his eye comes out. Right. I wouldn't know that. I didn't think about it. He always had it in. He sleeps with it in. Like, I'd never seen him without it. So I just assumed it stays in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he takes his eye out.

4:36Really quick. How long were you dating? Probably like seven months or so. I'd asked him a ton of questions about his eye before because I was just curious. But I never thought to ask, like, hey, does that thing come out? Yeah. Yeah. Can I hold your eye? So, yeah, he took his eye out. And ever since then, I don't know if it's because he looks rough and tough and sexy or if it's just the vulnerability. But I find him so attractive and I get all hot and bothered when he takes it out. When he's got his eye out. Oh, I love that. I do, too. I could see that being all of those things. Like he trusts you and that's hot.

5:21I know. So I find him so attractive. That's my like unique turn on is when my husband takes his eye out. So like if it's late at night and he takes that thing out. It's go time. He's so lucky. He just has like one thing he has to do. I know. I wish I had something I could. One party trick. Let me take my nose off real quick and let's get to it. That's awesome. Now, were there stages? First of all, watching him remove it, what was that like? Or did he do it privately, removing it and then show you? Or did he do the whole thing in front of you? I wanted to watch. I was like, oh, this is so cool.

5:58So I popped it out and I asked him if I could hold it. Yeah. It looked so different than I thought it would, too. I've never seen a prosthetic eye before. I thought it would be like a round ball. No, it wasn't. What is it? It's actually got like little square corners on the edge and it like holds it in place. It was definitely neat. I'm going to get really perverse on you. How deep in can you see? You look into where the eye was? You can see his whole eye socket. People ask this all the time. My sister was so nosy. She's like, what's it look like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like the tissue inside your mouth.

6:32Oh, okay. It's like pink. Just an empty little socket. Yeah. Did you kiss it? Did you kiss the socket? I would. Oh, my God, Dax. We have to be a little... No, I mean, that's what the problem is. Never kiss the socket before. Oh, I think I would. Okay, I really get it. Very vulnerable. Yeah, different. How sweet. So how long have you guys been together now? We've been married for almost 10 years now. Oh, wow. Now, have you ever been around anyone else with a prosthetic eye and been like, oh? I haven't. My dad has one leg, but both eyes. Wait, did he have one leg growing up? He got ran over on a motorcycle.

7:10It was right before he graduated. so I've only ever known him with one leg yeah I think that paves the way for this in a way we always make jokes like my dad has one leg my husband has one eye they're like pirate together they make one perfect pirate oh my gosh he's a good dad he's a good husband but together they make a perfect pirate if he's ever being annoying the husband and you're like so annoyed with him are you just like can you just take your eye out so I can like like you again Yeah, whenever we're mad, he's like, watch this. Now, can he drive? Because what I understand about stereoscopic vision is that you don't have depth perception if you only have one eye.

7:51Does he have depth perception issues? He doesn't have depth perception. No, because he's just got the one. But I mean, he drives. They let him. Yeah, yeah. Good, good. Well, I mean, this is a very uplifting story. I really like it. Yeah, I would want this for him. Had he had girlfriends in high school? He did. Actually, I asked him if he ever used it as a pickup line. He said he used to use it as a pickup line and it actually works. Wow. What was the line? Do you know? I don't know the specifics, but I just know like before we had started dating, I'm like, did you use this to your advantage? Because if I had one eye, I'd be using it.

8:29Oh, did you ask him? I feel like I would be like, how many people have you taken your eye out for? Because that is a new level. He had never taken his eye out in front of anyone except for his mom. That's so sweet. What if he's like, girl, I would take my eye out for you in your heart? That is a good pickup line. But he wouldn't because it was a pickup line. He's a liar. You'd have to wait seven months. That's too funny. Yeah, you've got to wait seven months, then he'll think about it. You've got to earn it. The comedian in me cannot help but try to think of what line I would want to use. I've got to construct what I would say if I had one.

9:06Like it doesn't take two eyes to see that you're gorgeous. You know, something along those lines. Sure. Maybe you can ask him and write back and we can report back. I'll keep you posted. But I'll keep working on them. I'll keep working on them. Well, this was great. Yeah. So Amanda, are you a listener or is your husband or neither or both? Me, my friend, actually, I work with her. She's the one who showed me the podcast. And so then we always look at the stories and I was like, oh, my gosh, I have to write in. I'm so happy you did. Yeah, me too. Well, it's a delight to meet you. Thanks for sharing that with us.

9:40Thank you, guys. Send our love to your husband because he's a participant. Unwillingly. Yeah. All right. Bye. Take care. You too. I would feel really lucky if someone took their eye out for me. Of course. Especially if it wasn't prosthetic. Well, yeah. They just poke themselves. I would be afraid for you if some man pops his healthy eye out to impress you. You just got rid of your bilateral stereoscopic vision for me. Well, I do like sacrifice. Hi. David, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Are you in a log cabin? I was going to say, you're in a wood paradise right now. Well, I'm in Rhode Island.

10:21Oh, I love this, but it looks like a hunting lodge vibe. Yeah, it's just my living room. The closets here are too small. It's so cute. Thank you. What are these antlers next to the door? Well, it's kind of just for display. Sure. Do they serve as coat racks? Not really. I'm a gay man. It's cute. It's really nice. It's decorative. We don't hang our coats on antlers. We don't. And are you from Rhode Island, David? Yep. I grew up here, born and raised. So hopefully not giving the little brother energy. Oh, my God. I was about to say it. And then I stopped myself. I was like, that's mean. You are not giving little brother energy.

10:59This is big boy, big brother, big boy. Big boy. Big boy energy.

11:07Big boy energy would mean you have a salad bar for me. I know. Because big boy hamburgers stop. You might be our first Rhode Islander. And you're breaking the stereotype that I have in my head. So this is great. What was the Rhode Island stereotype, could I ask? Well, little brother energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As we established. Yeah. Which I still don't really understand. I don't understand how a state can have energy. I'm trying so hard to be like my big brother, Boston. or New York. Listen, I think Rhode Island has like, I don't give a fuck energy. I do too. I like that. Robin's like, oh no, our gangsters are even nastier than y 'all's.

11:43Totally. They're like telling you that because they need you to know. They really need you to know. Really tough, as you can see. Funny enough, they're like you, tiny and mighty. You should love them. I love it. It's gorgeous. And have you ever left for some period of time or just born there and stayed there? Yeah, I've lived in different places. I've lived in Canada. I've lived out in California. I was in Palm Springs for a bit. So I've been around, but Rhode Island has a little bit of a gravitational pull. It keeps bringing you back. You're close to a lot of wonderful things, right? You're close to the Cape and Martha's Vineyard's not far, right?

12:14You can ski, there's beaches. I mean, it's all here. Come visit Rhode Island. Yeah. This was a good ad for Rhode Island tourism.

12:38Okay, so you have an interesting kink. I think we use the word unique, but I would also say we could have said interesting. It's not my kink. This is a Tinder story. Oh, wonderful. And usually for me, Tinder is not my go-to because, you know, you want different things at different times, different moods, and Tinder is very like black and white. Swipe right, swipe left. I prefer Grindr where you have the grid and you have different options. And so I was kind of on it and I was bored and I was just kind of swiping along and this guy popped up and he was an amateur bodybuilder. And so there's all these pictures of him flexing, it's biceps, it's triceps.

13:13And it was like, whatever your mood is, he's going to be a swipe right. That means yes. That's a yes. OK, great, great, great, great. So we swipe right. I match and we start chatting and I'm like, well, what are you looking for? What are you into? And he's like, well, I'm into something pretty specific. And I'm a 42 year old gay man. And I feel like I've heard at this point most things. Yeah, you're like, don't flatter yourself. Yeah, I'm like, hit me. He says, well, have you ever heard of forced gay? I go, no, it's not something that's been on my radar. And he goes, well, I have this girlfriend in Australia and she's a professional dom.

13:49She's my mistress. And she likes watching me get fucked in the ass by men on camera. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. And I go, well, do you enjoy getting fucked and asked by a mess on camera? Yeah, yeah. And he goes, I enjoy making her happy and she really enjoys seeing this. And I guess this is like the Dom sub dynamic. She's like, you do this. You big boy. What was it? I didn't do a good job. I was like, you do this. Yeah, didn't. Please do it right now. You didn't imbue like great authority. You know, I think in any other situation, like nine times out of 10, I think I'd be like, I'm good. This feels too complicated, right?

14:27There'll be someone watching in Australia. We got a time zone to think about. I just didn't know that it's my thing. But he was really sexy. Oh, yeah. Also, when you step into the unknown, I find this is when you learn about yourself. So how bad could it be? So I say yes. The first hiccup was that it was this logistical nightmare because she's in Australia. He's two hours away. She get to watch over Zoom or something? Yeah. Oh, shit. That's the whole thing. She wants to watch it. So we finally pick the time and we're going to do it at my house. And I see him come down the driveway. and I'm like reliving it now.

14:57I'm getting sweaty. So he parks his car and he gets out and he's kind of pacing back and forth in my driveway. And I can see that he's speaking. And I thought that maybe he was like giving himself a pep talk. And then I realized he's got the AirPods on so that he's actually talking to his girlfriend, this mistress. So I opened the door and he comes inside. Really quick, do you offer him a water? I don't think I did. Why is she called a mistress if she's just his girlfriend? Well, because subdom, it's probably just like sexy speak. I don't know. Like my mistress, you know? I just didn't know if like someone's married in there.

15:34No, no. Because that's normally what the word mistress is used for. I agree with you. But immediately when I heard subdom, I'm like, well, that's clearly one of these terms that there's a mistress. Again, I don't know. Okay, great. As he comes into my house, the thing that immediately surprised me was that I could hear her talking to him on the AirPods. Oh, she's like giving directions. Yes. And she's going, tell him how excited you are to get fucked. And he's like, I'm so excited to get fucked. And she goes, tell him how much you like cum. And he's like, oh, I just love cum. And I'm like, okay.

16:07Forced gay. Like it really is forced. She's saying exactly what he has to do. Yeah. She was kind of like piloting. I was going to say to me, it feels like you're about to have sex with a remote control car. Like someone is completely controlling. Or like Iron Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, let's go upstairs. And so we go into my room and he pulls out his tripod that he has. He has like a whole setup so that she can watch. And now I'm thinking, I'm like, I don't know what I signed up for. Like I might be in a little bit over my head. Well, I mean a porn that's distributed.

16:40Yes. And so she's on this phone. Luckily, I couldn't see her because I was starting to get nervous that it was going to be like a FaceTime experience. But she could see us and he immediately starts undressing. He climbs onto my bed and he's just like ass up. Well, can I pause you though for one second? Please. I'm putting myself in this situation. I would be like, oh my God, this is crazy. I don't even know. Does he really want any of this? And then he would get naked and be like, oh, you know what? All that went out the window. Did you have that moment? You're like, okay, this is going to be a party.

17:07I was more like, oh, I am just a dildo. Right. You're a prop for her. She's in charge of both of you. Yeah, yeah. I'm a prop and he's being piloted. Like this isn't about me. His ear pod fell out while he's in the middle. and he's like, hold on. Yeah, I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. And he is really sexy and I'm like trying to get hard because I'm like, well, I am a dildo and I am just completely at this point in my head and I'm just like, now I'm doing hand gestures. I'm just like pulling like harder and harder and harder. Like I'm trying to start a fire. Oh no. I don't really bring it to attention.

17:38Yeah, because this isn't, well, I guess to some people it could be sexy. Monica, it was not sexy. I got like half mass, like enough that I was like, I think I can achieve penetration. So I climb on top of him and I'm like trying to stick it in and it's not really going. And she's continuing to speak and she's telling him like, tell him how much you want his load. Oh my God. And then she's like barking out orders of like, move the camera to the right, move the camera to the left. And she's basically now like directing it. I was like, guys, I just need a minute. I'm stepping out. Yeah, let's all regroup.

18:11And she needs to calm down when her barking orders, like at least the pace of it. Give him one command. She didn't go to jail for a second. It was also like in this Australian accent that I found a little bit like it was just a lot. Yeah, it was like the woman who wouldn't count to a million. It can get grading. And I love the accent, but if they're not giving you a good message, it can be grading. So I go into my living room. I just need to check in with myself. I was like, is this even still a yes? Right. Good for you. Because I'm like, it's definitely not a hell yeah. But it's not like an act of violence against myself for me to like fuck this beautiful man on my bed.

18:43What I needed, though, was like some entry point into the eroticism. Well, you guys weren't connecting one iota. He's dialed exclusively into her. Well, it's like you're telling someone a story and they're scrolling on their phone, not present. So I need something I can latch on to. And I was like, well, I guess it's like kind of sweet that he's doing this thing for this woman that he really loves, that they have this really special connection. And I'm like, I think I can work with that. You're trying to find your way in. The romance. Yeah, you're trying to find your way in. Desperately trying to find my way in.

19:11Yeah. And I'm like, I will do this for them. Like, this isn't going to be for me. I'm just going to give them a performance. Like, that's what they want. So I pulled up some porn on my phone. All systems go. Went into the bedroom. Climbed on top. And she's still directing and talking. And I'm just using like 100 % of my brain. Stay in it. Oh, God. There's 0 % chance that I'm going to come. But they really want that. And I was like, I'm just going to pretend. They're not going to know. It's like I'm inside of him. He doesn't know. He's not even gay. So I like do this really performative orgasm.

19:45She loves it. He loves it. He hangs up with her, which was nice. And then he's finally present in the room. And he was like, that was really hot. Do you have any feedback for me? Like anything you want to share? As an actor? As a partner. And I was like, well, yeah. I didn't realize that your girlfriend was going to be so present. Fucking this man in the ass was like the straightest thing that I've ever done. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It would have been nice to chat with her about expectations and what she wanted to get out of it. And also, the bitch needs to commit to an angle. Yeah. You're micromanaging.

20:19Yeah, because you can either commit to one angle and see decent sex, hopefully, or do this micromanagement and see pretty bad sex. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, oh, can I call her back so that you can give her that feedback? And I was like, no, this is over. Oh, wow. Did he ever reach out again? Did he want a round two? He didn't. He didn't want a round one. Exactly. Exactly. The whole thing was a little suspicious because I guess he actually may be just gay and this girlfriend's a cover for it. And this is permission structure. Yeah. There's a lot. There's a lot. You could do a lot of armchair psychoanalysis on the whole scenario.

20:55Well, that's my story. That was a great story. I've never heard about that. Forced gay. I do wonder if they ever even have been together. They met on the internet and this whole relationship's taking place with her in Australia over the internet. I kind of thought maybe she wasn't even going to be real. Like, oh, I have this girlfriend in Australia. Right. Again, like kind of masking. She was definitely real. Real bossy, it sounds like. Wow, she knew what she wanted. It was basically like you were having sex with her. That's what it felt like. Did you have any sense of whether she was masturbating or not?

21:30She must have been, yeah? Oh, I don't know. I don't know much about female masturbation, admittedly. I don't know if I would have picked up on the cues. I think you would have. I don't think she was. I mean, if you could hear her. Why else is she watching it if not to masturbate? What would be the point of putting this guy through all this? Power. Yeah. It might not be a sexual kink. I hope she's our next caller. I'll tell you that. Yeah, you could get this story from every angle. Yeah. Kind of like she got. Wow, wow, wow. Well, that was great. Absolutely. Thank you for teaching us. I love that.

22:02Yeah. Yeah, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Tell me more about your dwelling. I'm just so into it. Was it built in the 50s or 70s? 1978. 78. Yeah, it's kind of this like mid-century-ish cabin in the forest here in Rhode Island. It's very cozy. We just had a foot of snow. It's very picturized. You got a wood-burning stove somewhere in there? Downstairs. Oh, baby. You're so handsome. I wish you lived in LA. I could set you up with Jess. Aw. You also seem fun to be around, so it'd be fun. Yeah, I am single. Oh, wow. Maybe you should come visit. Have you ever traveled to LA? Yeah, give us a ring. I'll do that.

22:39And if you'd be more comfortable, Monica can be on a phone call with him the whole time you guys are together. I'll tell Jess what to say. Well, wonderful meeting you, David. This was delightful. Nice meeting you guys. Take care. All right, bye-bye. Oh, I just had a stomach grumble. It wasn't a fart. Okay, bless you. It was not a fart. You know, every time I fart, Lincoln says, bless you, really quickly. like she's really got it it's her first thought and i said it's such a good joke and i'm just so impressed how immediately you remember yeah that's great oh hello i'm calling you rico yeah i'm rico How are you, Rico?