Armchair Anonymous: Valet Driver

0:00Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Hi. Today, we have crazy valet driver stories. It's an harrowing profession, as it turns out. Both to park your car and to park the car. That's right. We have a mishpodge mashup. Mosh pit. We have a mosh pit of different experiences dealing with valet drivers. Please enjoy Valet Drivers.

1:02I'm gonna keep on shining. Hello. Hello. Now, are you a big outdoors person? You have, it seems like, camping gear or some kind of cold weather stuff behind you. I am. This is my camping backpacking closet. I got all my sleeping bags and backpacks and anything I might need. How many days a year are you out in the wilderness? This year, I spent 30 nights outside this summer. Whoa. This summer. Wow. Yeah. That's admirable. It is. Now, you're not scared of bears then. That's a different story. I am scared of bears. I worked this summer in Glacier National Park and had a pretty intense bear encounter, but that's not what we're here for today.

1:46Oh my God. Or are we? Did you pee your pants? Luckily, no one peed their pants. Someone did scrape up their knees, started bleeding, and they're like, just keep going. We gotta leave. So I was like, okay. Scary. Oh man. This is what takes me out. I don't ever want to meet a grizzly bear. I already worked with one professionally, and that was enough for me. You already did it once and got out alive. Okay, so where are you? I'm in Golden, Colorado, so just west of Denver. Yes, and is that where they brew Coors beer? It is. Yeah. Okay, you have a valet story. I do. This is a story from the most chaotic summer of my life, but it's just a little snippet of it.

2:24It's not the whole thing. Okay. Happened between my sophomore and junior year of college. college I decided to work a seasonal job up in a national park in the PNW. So how the seasonal jobs work I drove out there in my car I brought all my stuff loaded up my Kia Forte after a series of unfortunate events which is a whole nother story I decided to quit Midway and just travel for the rest of the summer before school started again. You said PNW Pacific Northwest is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay okay okay okay you're speaking in codes okay. Oregon Washington area so So it just so happened that when I decided to quit, a friend who I met at the park invited me on a trip to Iceland in about two weeks.

3:05And I was like, I'm in. Quit my job, had two weeks off to travel the PNW. I was like, this is perfect. Me and another ex-co-worker loaded up all of our stuff for the summer in my Kia Forte. So it was packed. And we hit the road. We spent most of those two weeks hiking, camping, living it up, having the best time. After about a week and a half of camping, we decided to treat ourselves to a hotel. And we're like, this is going to be so nice. We can sleep in a real bed. We can shower. Can I tell you something so stupid? This entire story, I'm framing in my mind that you were a valet driver. And I'm now realizing.

3:42And then you lovingly refer to the Kia Forte so many times. I was like, she really loves her car. And then I just like a dum-dum put together like, oh, you're going to have valeted your car. And it's going to involve the Kia Forte. Did you think all of these were going to be like? Well, she was saying summer job. I'm like, okay, that's a great summer job as a valet. You got tipped, a lot of grease. I always wanted that job. But no, okay, I've caught up now. So you're going to go to a nice hotel. This hotel had valet. And I was 20 at the time. I was like, I have never used valet in my life. I was so excited.

4:13Checked my car into the valet. We grabbed our overnight bags. Went out, explored the city and was just having the grandest old time. Come about 10 p.m., we get back to the room. And I realized I left my phone charger in the car. I went down to the front desk. I was like, hey, can you pull the car around? It's the Kia Forte. Five minutes passed, 10 minutes passed. And I was like, dang, it must be a busy day for the valet. It's a Friday night. Maybe a lot of people want their car at 10 p.m. So we headed back up to the room. And a few minutes later, the phone rang. I was like, oh, perfect. Car must be here.

4:47And my friend picked it up. And I will never get this sight out of my head. She picked it up and answered. in the most joyous tone. Maggie and Danielle's room, how can I help you? And then I just saw her face drop and she hands the phone over to me and someone on the other end goes, is this the owner of the Kia Forte? Okay. The proud owner of a Kia Forte. First car, I was so proud of it. Oh no. I say yes. And they asked me to come down to the lobby. They're making you go to them. Maybe they want her to see what's happening. Oh shit. and they're like we don't know how to tell you this your car has been an accident it's been in an accident i thought it was sleeping in the garage yeah so as they were pulling the car around apparently a drunk motorcyclist ran a red light t-boned my car and totaled it oh my god did we lose the motorcyclist if you t-bone a car that bad i was scared about that i asked i was like is the valet driver and the motorcyclist okay and they go they're both in the hospital minor injuries they're going to be fine.

5:52Oh my Lord. So they took me over to the accident and they're like, we're going to give you all the contact information, talk to the police. At this point, it was like 11. I was getting tired. A tow truck came and towed the car to the front of the hotel. I unloaded everything from that car. I mean, I'm talking the whole collection of things for two people over the summer, bedding, clothes, suitcases, backpack, camping gear, That Kia Forte was packed. Maybe that's why he didn't die. It cushioned the blow. Yeah, it was like that's stuffing inside. Maybe. Ran into the sleeping bags and the tents and just bounced right off.

6:30As he was flying through the air, he went, oh, thank God. Then hit the ground. Or maybe even grabbed one of his. Yeah, wrapped himself in his sleeping bags. I put everything in the hotel's conference room and went to bed. The next morning, spent all day talking with my insurance, the motorcycle's insurance, and the hotel's insurance because it wasn't my fault and still had to get everything that I brought for the summer back to my house back in Denver. And I was leaving the country in two days. Oh, stressful. The coworker I was with, I was dropping her off in another city, supposed to be that day, but obviously that didn't happen.

7:05A few hours away with all of her stuff. Thankfully, the hotel did everything they could to accommodate us. They shipped everything we needed back to our homes or to our next destinations. I was under 25 at the time. Well, still I'm under 25, but under 25 couldn't have rent a car. And this was during 2021. So cars were hard to come by. Oh, I got it. You couldn't even rent a car because I'm like, yeah, they got to rent you a car so you can drop your pal off and then head home and then turn it in there. Yeah. Luckily, the hotel comped our rooms and they also bought me a train ticket and all the Ubers and train rides and taxis I needed to get to the airport.

7:44So I made it to the airport two days after this happened. I then went on my international trip and dealt with my car when I got back home. Did you fly out at SeaTac? Yes, I did. So you took that Silver Surfer train up, I think it's called, the Silver Surf Line? I don't remember. What if you just go, I don't care? I used to tell Monica's words right out of her mouth. I don't care. I don't think anyone else cares either what the branding of the train was. So was the car total? Did it remain in the PNW or did they fix it and ship it home? What happened? It was totaled. I never saw that car again.

8:18The last time I saw it was on the streets. Windshield cracked. Airbags out. Did you get enough money back to replace the Forte? They didn't give me enough to replace the exact same. So I had to buy a new car and take out a little loan for that. You know, I'm just thinking that Will Forte's in these VW commercials, right? Isn't he in them with Kristen Wiig and Hader? Isn't it the three? No, he's not. No, it is. It's the Californians. It's our best dude. It's Fred Armisen. Because I was thinking, why doesn't Kia hire Will Forte for the Kia Forte? Oh, funny. The Kia Will Forte. I really didn't understand until that last sentence.

8:57Yeah, this is a missed opportunity. You're right. You're onto something. I really have gotten something that's going to break through. But did you have a good rest of your trip? I hope. As I said, this was the most chaotic summer of my life. And it just got even more chaotic after that. Oh, boy. The planets were not aligned. It was the best summer and the worst summer all wrapped in one. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Did you consider when the Kia Forte was in its accident that you're like, I'm not supposed to travel. That's what Monica would have done. She would have said, the universe has told me I shouldn't get to my flight.

9:33Maybe she wasn't supposed to be on that flight. Did you get food poisoning on that trip? I did not. I got baby held hostage. Wait, baby held hostage? We were staying in an Airbnb when the Airbnb lady trapped us in the Airbnb with a knife and wanted our passport. So what? You were not supposed to go. You weren't listening. ignoring all the signs. Anyway, was it Bjork? No, it was crazy. It was chaotic. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, Maggie, it's a delight to meet you. You have the best attitude for this kind of hijinks. You've chosen the right path as an adventurer because it seems like anything can roll off your back.

10:14Thank you. I've had enough of these random things come up in my life that I figure you can either take it and be sad or mad about it, or you can take it and be like, you know what? It's a great story. It kind of sucked at the moment, but it's funny now. That's my ethos. Nice. It's so great to meet you guys. I've just recently become a fan. Two of my friends, Liza and Maggie, they wanted me to give them a shout out. They introduced me to the podcast and they're like, it's a great work podcast. Oh, absolutely right. Thanks, gals. Thanks for turning Maggie on to us. Yes. All right, send them our love and good luck on all your travels.

10:48I think they'll be extensive. Thank you. I appreciate it. And have a great rest of your day. All right, bye-bye. Hello. Hello. Hi. You immediately look like many people. Who are you told you look like most? To be honest, not really anybody. I'm going to hit you with one who's a personal friend, Mullen Ackerman. Oh. Christina Applegate. Oh, Christina. Are you watching The Hunting Wives? Yes. It's a great compliment. I've never heard that before. Okay, we'll take it. When you first appeared, I got Polar vibes. Oh, Amy Polar. You guys are spoiling me. These are great. Good company. Anne, where are you?

11:27I am currently in Nashville, Tennessee. God bless. We're neighbors. I don't actually live here. I'm here for work. I live in Asheville, North Carolina. Oh, we love it there too. My other favorite place, as you might know. Erin and I are planning a motorcycle trip to Asheville. Are you going to do the Blue Ridge Parkway? The Dragon's Tale? Is that what they refer to it as? It's like the stretch? Yeah, we're going to be based in Asheville and do rides every day out of it in different directions. I'm going to make them look at Looking Glass Falls and Sliding Rock and all the fun stuff. Oh, fun. Okay, so you have a valet story.

12:00Yes. So before I got into training and development a lifetime ago, I worked in hotels. So I used to live in Charleston, South Carolina. I went to college there. I managed the front desk at a hotel while I was in college. And so I ever saw anybody that you checked in at the front desk and the valet team that we had for the hotel. Can I guess that that's a super fun job? Like, I'm so nosy, and I feel like I'd be getting a glimpse into all these people's lives, and I would really like it. As an early 20-something, I think a really fun job, because you're not taking things too seriously. I don't think they probably should have put me in charge.

12:34Yeah, that's a lot of responsibility, because a lot goes down in hotels. Oh, absolutely. Murders, suicides, everything. A lot of chaos, especially Charleston, like, party city in a lot of ways. So, it was a great job. Super fun. Sorry. I'm sorry. Hold on. Did you get an emergency call like someone destroyed the bathroom? Not an emergency call, but we did have some Citadel cadets. The Citadel Academy is down there. We had them party a little too hard and like really destroy a room. So we actually ended up calling their school to inform the commander, whoever it was above them. And they made them come back for a weekend and clean all of our rooms for us.

13:13Oh, that's cool. It worked out to our advantage in that way. Yeah, if someone's going to trash your place, you pray it's cadets. He was looking for like a poop story. A poop poop story. And it's okay that you don't have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't personally. I'm sure they happened. I'm sure maintenance got some crazy calls. I feel fortunate I wasn't on the receiving end of those. They shielded you from that, the underbelly. Okay, okay, okay. So I'm back up to speed. Okay. As you can imagine, I wasn't the only college kid working there. Almost all of us were college age, especially the valet drivers, pretty young guys.

13:42And eight-hour shifts, you're just trying to kind of keep yourself entertained. How do you stay busy and enjoy yourself? So we had kind of ongoing prank systems with each other and wanting to keep things going, but try and keep guests out of it. And I jump really easily. So you can just walk around a corner and I'm going to be like, ah, I didn't see you coming. And so our valet drivers loved to make that the center. They would hide unexpecting places, really try to pop out and surprise me at any chance. They try to one up each other on finding the best place to do it. Hotel closets, one of them hid in one of the washing machines.

14:16Oh, that's dangerous. So they were really in it for the win. On Sundays, as I'm sure you can imagine, hotels are very busy with checkouts. Valet gets very busy. And also because it's a bunch of college kids, somebody usually calls out because they were partying over the weekend. And so during kind of peak checkout, I would leave the front desk and go help bring cars around. Our lot was across the street. And on a particular Sunday, George, one of our valets, had really been thinking through like, what is a great way that I could get her? Every female has this. Is it their number one fear? I know.

14:51Like, didn't really think through. What it might be.

15:13So we had kind of a system of who would go get cars. So you knew someone else is getting this car. I'll get this one when they get back. So someone was always around. And so I was waiting for the next valet driver to come back before I went to get a car. And during that time, another long-term guest of ours had come up and started chatting with me, was upset about something. And it became obvious I was not going to be able to step away to go get this car that I'd said I would pull around. And because I knew the guest whose car we were going to pull around, I decided, hey, you can just go get your own car.

15:41I know you're in a rush. If you want to get it. He'd been staying there for a while. Oh, my God. Give you the keys. Go get your own car. He says, great. He goes across the street to go get his car. He goes to get in his car. And meanwhile, George has thought it would be a wonderful idea to hide in the back of an SUV. Oh, no. Where he could pop up and scare me. He really thought through, it needs to be a bigger car where I'll see her coming, but I'll have room to pop up. He thought this was prime time, the best time. And so then obviously he noticed it was not me getting into the car. Oh, well, first of all, that's a blessing because I could see him going like seeing you at the curb and going, oh, shit, it's happening.

16:28I got to get down and hide and totally miss that it wasn't even you. I don't know that he saw it as a blessing. He kind of panicked in the moment, didn't know what to do. And so he just kept hiding. I actually think that's the right thing. No, no, no. You got to get out before he gets to the car and you go, oh, my God, I'm in your car. I'm so sorry. I thought it was going to. So fast. It is your panic. Because that guy is in a rush. So he just got in and drove versus. Let me just model out what could happen. You're in the backseat. The guy's driving. He takes a call. It's with a mistress. Now you're in the backseat.

16:59Oh, my fucking guy. Just learn something. You can't pop up because he'll either murder you or get in an accident. So you have to wait until they get to their house and then you sneak out. That's why I was arguing to initiate the departure before the guy starts getting in the car. I know, but I just don't think there was time. There wasn't time. Also, it's not like he could then open the back door and, like, roll out action film style or something. Like, he kind of was trapped at that point. Yeah. Oh, my God. George hid for about two blocks before I think it just occurred to him, like, I'm going to have to get up.

17:29I have to do something. I can't stay in this person's vehicle. No, no, you have to get to the destination. How old was this guest? Oh, he was probably 40s or 50s. Oh, thank God. It wasn't someone in jeopardy of a heart condition. But he could have had a gun in the glove compartment. Can steal and carry. Yeah. Also, he could have been driving to like Florida. When we say you got to wait till the destination, who knows where that is? Then you say, excuse me, sir. So that's kind of what George did. So he just kind of slowly raised his head over the back seat and was like, sorry, sorry, sir. And then immediately the guy slammed on his face.

18:03He's like, what the fuck? Like screaming. And he's like, I'm from the hotel. I'm from the hotel. Because his first thought is he's going to think I was trying to rob him. Yes, of course. And I got caught in the car, not that this was something else. So he starts screaming, I'm from the hotel. I'm from the hotel. I'm so sorry. Gets out of the car. The guest is screaming at him. I will give George credit. He came up with a pretty good backstory. He didn't want to go prank wise. He said, I'm so sorry. we have another guest whose birthday it is. And so we had told his wife that we would surprise him in the car and then we were supposed to give him directions to meet her and I got in the wrong car.

18:40And I just panicked when you got in. This is an intricate lie. I was like, in two blocks, you came up with a decent story given the situation. My boss never found out about it. He didn't write bad reviews. We did comp the room and apologize. That's nice. I mean, what else were we going to do? There wasn't a really great way to get out of that. That went without detection from your supervisors? They didn't even realize you guys had comped the room? No. For something like that, it wasn't common that they would get into it. Somebody was upset about a stay. Because we pranked so often on each other, when they came back to the hotel in the same vehicle and the guests got out to tell me the story, it was a quick pickup of, yes, he was supposed to be surprising somebody.

19:20So then everyone kind of jumped in and played along. Wait, he drove him back? Yes, he drove him back. Oh, that's nice. I mean, it was nice, but he was also wanting to come back and like yell at me. I wonder how that car ride went on the way back. He's just sitting in the back seat. What if he started getting up front in the passenger seat? He's like, stay back there. Oh, no. Wow. That is hilarious. Really talk about a bit gone bad. That's hijinks. That's prank gone wrong. We've done that before. Total hijinks. I feel like that guest probably is a little bit scarred for life when he gets in his car.

19:49There's not a time I don't get in a car from a hotel valet that I don't kind of look in the mirror thinking, somebody hiding in my car. And I won't say the name of the actor, but there was an actor who had a weekend off from his television show, went to Joshua Tree here in California in the desert in an RV with friends and did shrooms all night, crawled back into the RV, went to sleep, woke up because he heard gigi, gigi, gigi, gigi. He heard like this and he's like, oh my God, they already started driving home. But what are we driving on? And he got up and he looked out the window and they were crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.

20:29He crawled into the wrong RV. Yes. Yes. Oh my God. And woke up crossing the Golden Gate Bridge and had to again go, excuse me. And then had to get himself from San Francisco with nothing. He was on shrooms the night before. I know the agent. This person called the agent collect was like, I'm in San Francisco. Is this person recognizable enough that the person driving was like, no, I don't think so. No. That is so funny and crazy. Wow. But that is 100 % my nightmare. Someone in my backseat. Yeah. You would have maybe fucking crashed the car. That might be a blessing. It was not a good call on his behalf.

21:11Early 20s, you know, but it worked out OK. That's a great story. And I really enjoyed it. Thank you. I know. It was the first time you guys had a prompt that I was like, oh, I might have something this fits for. You certainly do. And it's abstract. It's like you didn't valet and you weren't a valet worker. And yet somehow it's still all worked. Yeah, that was great. Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for taking time out of your workday in Nashville. Thank you guys. Enjoy Asheville. I will. I recommend you eat at Brick Tops tonight. There is a Brick Tops right across the street from our office. I cannot recommend it enough.

21:44Get the doubled eggs and candy bacon if they have it. Okay. I love some candy bacon. Oh, you're the best I've ever had. Wonderful meeting you. Bye. Bye. George and the other valets never saw that episode of Punky Brewster where she, I think, is playing hide and seek. And she goes into either the bridge or the washing machine or something. And it ends bad. That was one of the big moral panics of the 80s is everyone thought kids were getting trapped in refrigerators. They were. Punky was. But what's crazy is I grew up and my mother was always like, don't. At some point, if I got older, I was like, a human can't get in this fucking, what are they talking about?

22:21Punky. No, there's no room in a refrigerator for a human to get in. I don't know why there's such a huge fear. I mean, I don't want to recommend anything. I'm pretty sure you could open it from the inside. If you can open it from the outside, it does not hold at all. Do not try it. I'm going to do it as like a David Blaine thing. I'm going to put it on television. I'm going to get in a fridge and I'm going to walk right out. It's going to be like a two second special. And I'm going to go, debunk. No, you should say de-punked. And then like you're using your... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just got de-punked.

22:50Here's Monica. Me. Which Monica will it be? Monica Lewinsky? Hello. Hello. Not Monica Lewinsky. Not Monica Lewinsky. And not Monica Padman? No. No. And not Monica Geller, though you do kind of look like her. Courtney Cox. Oh, Cece. My mom's name is also Monica. It is? Your second generation Moni? Mm-hmm. They don't do that with women, right? You can't be a junior as a woman, or can you? You could, but they don't. It's in my family. My grandmother's name is Maria. My mom's eldest sister is Maria. So then Monica, Monica. Oh, nice. Do you have the same middle name as mom? My mom does not have a middle name, and I have a middle name.

23:30And are you a nurse? Yes, I'm actually a nurse practitioner. You're our favorite group of people on planet Earth. Yeah. Nothing better. Monicas, Monicas. Monicas. And then additionally, nurses are our favorite. Yes. Yeah. I do high risk obstetrics, so high risk pregnancies at a clinic. Oh, wow. Amazing. Oh, stressful. Stressful? Do you have like a high arousal setting? Are you like calm when shit hits the fan? Yes. Yeah. Good for you. Do you have a wild childhood or are you just genetically that way? I think genetically, perhaps. I can be calm during stress, but then afterwards I will kind of relive it in panic.

24:04Delayed panic. How's the name working out for you? Are you happy with it? I love it because I can use my mom's ID, like going into the American Airlines Club. Don't tell American Airlines, but I can use her name and go in. Nice. So it's worked out very well in my life. I love having the same name as my mom. That is a hack. That is. That's good. Okay, so you have a valet story. Yes, I do have a valet story. I'm curious if you guys have heard valet driver stories or people who have used the valet. Great question, because I had framed all this incorrectly. Our first caller, I'm like, oh, they're going to tell me they worked as a valet.