Best of Friday 2025

22:57Like waking up at 5 a.m. to get the hair and makeup done. Oh, but that's wedding. Is that standard? I think that's wedding. Okay, that's too early. I mean, it was at 9 a.m. Yeah, it's at 9. It's only four hours early and all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing. OK, start of everything goes pretty well. Temple goes well. Pictures goes well. No issues there. Brunch is fine. And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decide we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit. And you were virgins. Yes. Oh, my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave temple.

23:32We kind of talked about it the day before we said, oh, should we bang right here? in this couple hour block. Yeah. And she was like, we've waited so long. Let's just wait till later. And I'm like, no problem. But we get to the Airbnb. We're hanging out. We both change into like some sweats. And as we're changing, we kind of like open the suitcase and we both kind of make eye contact. And then we see the condoms in the suitcase. She says, should we just do it? And I said, yes, of course. Yes, we should have done it not a long time ago. I haven't said anything to get in her pants. Of course. Things start progressing and she says, yeah, we can do it.

24:08Just make sure my hair and makeup, make sure nothing gets messed up. And I said, yeah, of course, 100%, definitely. Yeah, I'm so good at this. I definitely know how to do this without doing that. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm not going to come in five seconds, but anyways, let's go. That's right. Things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last a second or third base until we're there. Sure, sure, sure. And then it's time for the main event. And I'm like, okay, great. Put a condom on, takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on, put some lube on her.

24:39And we're like, OK, you ready? She's ready. We probably spent two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn't hurt. Yeah. Angle of approach, as we say in off-roading. Bless her heart. I'm sure it still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today. Well, these are the first time experiences. This is what happens. Neither of us knew any difference. We were having a great time. You ended up in her butt. Is that what we're saying? No. Oh, I misinterpreted that. No, it just, it hurts the first time. Oh, okay, okay. I just, I heard a lot of lube and I didn't know the angle.

25:14No, no, no. I got a little confused. I'm so sorry. We're in the right hole. Okay, great, great. Things start moving and 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line. By the way, real quick, she's also glad it's that fast. The first time it hurts, you just like want it to be done. A couple thoughts run through my head. I think, okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom's going to break. So I think, okay, that's out. So I think, okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach. Yeah, wonderful. It's romantic. Yeah. The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain.

25:53Right, right. I pull out, I whip off the condom. And again, there's no communication with her at all. I blast off. when i say blast off the amount that came out i have never seen before or since yeah this is 23 years in the making it was absurd but the first blast hits the headboard probably a foot above her head this is a real spider-man situation i'm like okay let's point it down a little bit second blast hits her directly in the face and the eyes nose mouth hair third blast hits her in the neck in the hair fourth blast somehow was stronger hits her again in the face and then all the subsequent blasts hit her in like the stomach why are there so many blasts it's 23 years yeah yeah you're right and then in this 10 second span a lot of things happen i get like super dizzy oh and i lose hearing in my left ear just the left and my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose.

27:01Some of it got in her mouth, and she can't really breathe, so she immediately starts gagging and retching, and I'm still out of it. She immediately starts throwing up on the bed, and she's, like, stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed in the hallway on the floor of the bathroom and finally makes it to the toilet. Were you guys like, this is why they told us not to do it? They're like, yeah, sex is horrible. Yes, no wonder. We knew it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I kind of go in the bathroom and I try to console her.

27:40She's like crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can. And then we both kind of freak out because some of it like dripped down and got her in the lady area. The lady area. So we're freaking out and we're like, oh, no, is she going to get pregnant? So we door dash like a plan B and she takes that and spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and makeup. It was a tough scene. Now, okay, so later that night, you want to do it again, I bet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but she doesn't. I don't think we did. I don't really remember.

28:25But what did happen after we got to the reception, she like cleaned everything up and she looked great. And one of her friends came up behind her and was like, hey, you got something in your hair. And I was like, oh, shit. And she had a big dried thing of themin in her hair. No. Something about Mary. You have some gel in your hair, honey. Yeah, that's a classic. Really the icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for like three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot. But that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous. Oh, no kidding. Wow, it really worked out for us, I guess.

29:01Yeah, there you go. How long ago was this? Three years. I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful lovemaking now. Yeah, took us a second. We got it. Throwing up. It was a set piece. In a comedy, I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily. Great. I love it. The victim's here. Can she come and say, I'd love to see this poor gal? This is so cool. There's the victim. We had a marital staff who would tell this story better. I said, I would tell it better because I was the victim. But he said, no, I'll tell it better. You need a first person view. But then he ended up submitting the story.

29:38So he got to tell it. Oh, well, he did a great job. And he was specific about the amount of sprays. That was all really important detail. Lack of communication. Yeah. You must have been thinking this is terrible, right? Why do people do this? At first, I was like, it's got to get better, though, right? We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower. I was mostly just worried about the rest of the wedding day. I was crying. I was like, it's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. Like, this is the worst. we should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities don't you think though a lot of people at the wedding they've been in your position they've done this exact same thing we got some side eye as we were leaving the brunch we're like no no no no no and then we showed up and everybody kind of yeah they could feel it they know they know there's something like as disgusting as the story is it's so wholesome it's sweet isn't it it's like very mixed messages it's like so endearing yet it's disgusting it's nasty yeah i don't know that i've ever seen even in pornography, that volume and in duration.

30:43Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You're adorable couple. We're big fans. Oh, thank you. All right. We'll take care. You too. From episode eight, eight, seven first responders.

30:59Hello. Is this Daphne? Hi, it is. You're in your closet. I tried to follow the rules. Are Are you allowed to tell us what state you're in? I'm in Wisconsin. Oh, okay, great. Okay, so you have a first responder story. I do. So this was when I first started. It was within my first couple of weeks working as an EMT. So I was pretty green. Also, for a little bit of context, when you first start, at least at the company I worked at, there's such a hierarchy. When you're new, you're doing all the work nobody wants to do. So all like cleaning up the GI bleed. Oh! Picking up the heavy parts of the payship, changing diapers, like all the crazy stuff that people who've been there longer don't want to do.

31:39That's entirely on you. Can I ask what led you to the job in the first place? I'm a little bit curious. Mine was a little bit untraditional. I actually majored in philosophy, but my college job, I was an outdoor trip leader. So I had to get a wilderness first responder certification and just really fell in love with it. Oh, amazing. So after college, I tried a couple of jobs and nothing really stuck. And I ended up going back to get my EMT because I just loved my first shirt so much. Are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie? I would say so. Working in emergency, you kind of have to be. But at the same time, it also tames it a little bit because you see all the crazy shit that can happen.

32:16Yeah. I'm like a moderate adrenaline junkie, I'd say. Are you watching The Pit? No, but I've heard it's good. You're going to love it. And pretty accurate. But that's like asking us if we watched a show about podcasting. Yeah, like Only Murders in the Building. Yes, I have. Good point. Yeah, I mean, it's a great show. So the partner who I was paired up with, you could tell that he had one foot out of the door, was ready to retire and go to Boca and spend all his money gambling years ago. What is the average career expectancy? I don't feel like I see a lot of older EMTs. I was told that their turnaround rate is like six months.

32:53oh so it's pretty quick also the place where i worked it was a lot of people who they were starting as an emt but they wanted to go to med school or pa school or nursing school this was kind of like the first step to get some experience gotcha so we get a call and the call is super vague it was just for a sick person and that was also a red flag because usually the more vague the chief complaint is the more unhinged it is when you actually get there oh interesting we go to the apartment the elevator going up is teeny tiny like it barely fits my partner and i and the stretcher in there we get all the way up knock on the door introduce ourselves walk in and immediately when i open the door i'm hit with this wave of just a blinding smell oh and a smell that i had never smelled before up until this point oh never smelled it my god and it smelled like a mix of hay like from a horse poop sulfur oh and burnt anything okay interesting oh hey a horse trots out of the bedroom i would have taken that over what happened oh no so all of a sudden we see the patient he stands up he has a walker he's walking over i could tell he's walking a little funny like his gait is a little off but nothing too crazy and he's wearing what i thought were black compression socks.

34:18And the lower part of his legs looked a little different from the rest of his body. But who am I to judge? Right. Is he wearing shorts? Yeah, he's wearing like basketball shorts. And also as he's walking over, the smell is getting stronger. And I hear this kind of squishing sound with each footstep. No, no, no. This is bringing me back to that bar in Canada. I know. Oh, wow. Okay. Do you guys remember that one? Oh, my God. No one can listen to this. Okay. Okay. Squish, squish, squish. Different colored legs. He's squishing his way over. And then I go over to help him. I want to give him a hand.

34:58When I get over, I look down and I realize, oh, those aren't compression socks. That's completely necrotic tissue from the knee down. His legs are dead. Oh, my. They're gone. Oh. And that squishing sound was them sloughing off with each step, like tissue coming off. No! No! Stop! Oh my fucking... This is like as close as you can get to discovering a zombie. The top 75 % of his body was a normal average Joe. The bottom half was some shit out of The Walking Dead. Okay, I have to be honest. I thought it was going to be that he cut off his legs and he put horse legs on. Oh, wow. Monica, that's a very...

35:44Because of the hay. And then there's a horse in his bedroom with human legs. Did you just swap him? It was a transplant? He wanted to become a centaur. He was a little mentally ill. So his fucking foot is falling apart as he walks? Yes. It looked like a mudslide. Every shade of yellow, red, brown that you can imagine. How old were you at this point? 21. No, you're too young to have seen something like that. I keep my cool. I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just here to get you to the hospital safely. So I take him to the stretcher and my partner looks at me and he's like, I'm not touching that.

36:21And I was like, okay, I'm not surprised. So I help him into the stretcher and he obviously needs help getting his lower half up. I'm trying to think of the most gentle way to go about this. You know, I don't want to cause any more damage. So I go down by his ankles and lift his legs up. And as I do, I feel my fingers squish into him. It felt like jam. No! Jam. Why? Of course, preserves. Is there bone? The bone's not out yet, but it doesn't look like it's that far away. So we get back to the elevator. My partner doesn't get into the elevator. He's like, I'm taking the next one. You got this, champ.

37:00This guy sucks. This guy's a real piece of shit. A fucking 21-year-old girl. I know. He's like, deal with it. I'm in Boca. I'm already in Boca Yeah, so I'm squished between him and the elevator wall Can I ask what his demeanor is? Because I have a story very similar to this from an ER doctor I know who had someone get brought in that was a shut-in and they had a lot of necrotic flesh and I don't think they knew they were kind of just embarrassed like what was his vibe? He was in a great mood He was chatting up with me I'm trying to banter with him a little bit but it's so thick and literally blinding Like I was having a hard time opening my eyes.

37:38Oh my God. Did he acknowledge that his legs were dead? Verbatim. He said, oh, it's just a little leg pain. No big deal. Wow.

38:02We got into the ambulance. It's a hot summer day. And also this ambulance has no air conditioning, no ventilation, nothing. And my partner, of course, has me sit in the back with him and closes the only window between the front and the back. Oh, boy. I'm trying to bandage this up, trying to do anything to make him more comfortable. But it's just soaking through. Nothing's working. He needs extensive wound care. We just need to get on the road and get him to a hospital. And of course, he wants the one that's the farthest away from where we are. And in the ambulance ride over, ambulances have no suspension at all.

38:38And we're going on the highway. And this is oozing. The amount of liquid that's coming out was insane. So I'm just being jostled around. It's splashing everywhere. Like, it felt like being at a water park. Stop! That I did not sign up for. Oh my god. Oh my god. And can you wear a hazmat suit? Looking back, I probably should have. But at that point, I don't think I even knew where those were in the ambulance. He might have been a little disassociated, like, let's just get through this. Yeah, it's just every body fluid you can imagine, plus chunks of tissue. Don't say chunks! I'm trying all the tricks for the smell, too.

39:16At that point, the smell is the least of it, but I was sticking alcohol pads in my mask and rubbing hand sanitizer on the outside, just trying to do anything while also still trying to be discreet, because I'm not trying to make this guy feel bad about himself. He's already going through it. I'm just like, okay, this is my life for the next hour. I would have said, no, you're going to the one down the road. I wish we could. But I think at that point, it technically would have been like medical kidnapping or something like that. I feel like take them where they don't want to go. Okay. So we get to the hospital finally, and we roll him in and we're doing the handoff report to the nurses.

39:48We're talking to them. My partner finally comes in, like puffing his chest, giving report like he did everything. As he's giving report, I noticed he's starting to pause between words. and then his face is starting to get really red and then he starts going he runs into the hallway and vomits everywhere and completely misses the trash can oh what this guy is a bozo we do the handoff that's done i walk into the hallway there's vomit everywhere and there's tracks from the wheels of our stretcher like bits of leg oh and blood and this is like saw or something Wow. Do you ever get any follow up on what happens to these people?

40:33Like, do you see the ER people a month later and go like, what happened? Yeah, I didn't do that with this guy. I have, however, seen patients in the wild before after I've taken care of them. And that's always crazy. Do you say hi? You don't say hi. I don't say hi. But there was this one guy who had his throats lit and he didn't want to go to the hospital. Oh. And he was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, nose. And I was like, you have to go. But he refused and he was his own person mentally. So there's nothing he could do. And I saw him biking like three weeks later. Oh, so he made the right call.

41:06Wow. Wow, that's good. They call that AMA against medical advice. You learn that now pit. Yeah, yeah. You have to sign a form. It's very official. But I spent the next three hours cleaning out the hallway. You had to clean it? I wasn't going to leave it. You're a good person. Oh, you're an angel. What about the puke? Did homeboy clean up his own puke? Yes. And then with the ambulance, there was no equipment or anything for me to use. So I was just wiping that up with paper towel, disinfectant wipes. Yeah, you got to call dispatch and go like, hey, we need about an hour to clean up. We need to blow up this ambulance.

41:41And we need to fire Mike and send him to fucking Boca. I can't believe you didn't quit your job after that. I came close. I thought about it. But you kind of know what you're getting into. I mean, do you? I can't imagine you think like I'm going to show up and someone's legs are going to be falling off real time. That's really out of a... Someone will have cut off their legs and put horse legs on it. Right, a horse transplant. Who could be ready for that? I wouldn't put it past somebody. Our last question, because when we interviewed nurses, they all have a foreign body and rectum story. Did you respond to any of those?

42:12Yes. Oh, wow. Twofer. I've seen a wine bottle. Okay. Oh, wow. With the cork or without? I don't know because I didn't take it out. Okay, yeah. It's got to be empty, I would guess. There's three options. There's a wine bottle corked. There's an empty wine bottle. And there's a wine bottle. They're like, you drank some and then you put the stopper in. That seems craziest to me because the fluid could pop up. Yeah. Maybe that's what they like. Yeah. It's kind of a two for one deal. Maybe they put a champagne bottle in there. Then you pop the cork and it explodes right when you're. That sounds eventful.

42:47I haven't seen that yet. But someone did have a wine bottle and you put them face down on the stretcher, I guess. We had them on their side, face down, technically. It's like an airway issue. Did they make any explanation as to what had happened or no? Just, I need to go to the hospital. I feel like people either really overcompensate for it and try to say, like, I was cleaning and I tripped and I fell. There's a Sedaris story about the people say they tripped and fell. And he's like, I'm so clumsy. I've fallen down naked many times. Never stood up and there was a candle in my ass. not one what's the second version they're just silent because they know that you know that's best are you done with that line of work no so i'm still doing it now so i work in an emergency room and i started nursing school this fall oh great i can't wait for you to watch the pit you're gonna love it well daphne this was a so great this is among the very worst stories we've heard what an accomplishment i'm so glad well thank you so much for your time and for having me.

43:50Can I give a quick shout out? Of course. We love shout outs. I just want to shout out Caroline, Tate and Emily, my three favorite people. I love them so much. And to you guys, I just want to say that sometimes when you work in this field, the drive home can be kind of tough. If you have a bad day, that's kind of when you start like reflecting and things can feel a little heavy. So whenever that happens, I always put on armchair and it makes me feel so much better. So I just want to thank you guys for bringing some levity to that. I can't take that in knowing what you've done for the world. I'm going to take it.

44:21I'm choosing today to take it. My self-esteem is good. Wow. And I'm going to go. All right. That's great. Well, thank you. This is a real barn burner, as we say. High watermark for Armchair Anonymous. Nice meeting you. Have a great day. Likewise. Bye.

44:48From episode 939, Subway.

44:55Hello. Hi. Tess, your hair is beautiful. Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day. So I'm glad that you guys get to see it. Is the humidity right where you're at or what's causing the great hair day? Curls. You don't really ever know what's going to happen. I took a nap right after I washed it today. So maybe that is why. When my hair was long, that was my move is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp. And I'd wake up and had all kinds of body. I love that. Very fun to have a playful hair day. It is. Where are you at, Tess? I'm currently in Paris.

45:26Oh. I know. I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend lives here and is out of town and offered her apartment for me to watch her cat for 10 days. Oh, wonderful. How fun. I live in Brooklyn, though. Okay, so did the subway story occur on this trip? It just occurred in my normal life. Right. In Brooklyn? In Manhattan. so I've lived in New York for seven years so I feel like I know the rules the social mores of subway life I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I'd forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return like I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx and I forgot to return them so I was working from home and I had to go into the office I was already like kind of annoyed it was a New York late October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall outfit.

46:17So I was wearing a really cute pair of black cargo wide leg jeans, the brand Agled, but I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Newly. Oh, yeah. So you can rent like six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands. I was stunting in those. Stunting is a new, I don't know that. But you do, you can figure it out. It's like floss and looking good, strutting. Yes, I can use context, excuse, but I'm just saying that this is new. I've never heard or used that. I want to use it. You're going to be very cool when you use it later. Or maybe I'm going to be embarrassed by all my Gen Z cousins.

46:51I saw her Saturday at a birthday party and she was full stunt. I'm birthing space for stunting. Great. Really good. So I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit. I was sweaty on top of like running around trying to find a store. It was just somewhere to return the shoes. And instead of walking a little further to the 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at like 28th Street, just so I could like connect with these very Norse canceling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version. It had just come out. The errand was done.

47:30I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around. So I go down the stairs. I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to Queens and then to South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in Central Brooklyn. It's not a train that I'm ever on. The only reason I was on it was so that I could switch to the queue, which is my train. So I hop on the train. Everything's happy. The train is pretty full. And I sit down. I realize immediately that I had sat in a human pile of shit. No, no. Oh, in your ankles. Wait, wait, wait. That are rented. Now, really quick.

48:11You could tell because you sat down and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic. Did it make a sound? I don't know because I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, oh my fucking God. Like, what did I just do? And so I stand up and I whip my headphones off. And I like look around to the people around me because there are people on the train. And this is one of those social mores where like if there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's not uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway. Oh, you're saying generally the move is when there's a dump in a train car, everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty, not that seat.

48:53Because I would say that's savage. If the rule in New York is simply everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat. Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train car. Like it's just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from the shit. It's like a corner seat. He's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off and I look at him and I'm like, why didn't you tell me? And he was like, I'm sorry. And then another person whispered at me. He was like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, that doesn't help me. I'm like pointing at my shit.

49:26I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve? I anticipated you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit. Oh, it was diarrhea. It was honest. Wow. Fuck. So when you said it, it probably splashed. How much? A big amount. Let's put it this way. No one ever has to like, oh, I got a diarrhea a tiny bit. If you got a shit in public, like you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea, right? No one's ever done like a symbol of. It was not a shark. It was a full event. Almost as if they pulled their pants down and did it.

50:02They did? Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your pants. I hopped off at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed. And I was crying, but I was also laughing because it was just like an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls in really cute clothes come to get on my train. And I go, do not get on this train. Yes, good. There is shit on this train. I go into that stupial area and I'm sobbing and crying. I try to call a friend who lives close. So like maybe she could bring me clothes. I'm just trying to figure out how to get home. I'm still really far from home.

50:36Do you have any additional garments? Like do you have anything that you can take off and tie her on your waist? No, because I was wearing like a cute short sleeve white t-shirt. So I like what Monica's wearing. And then a white creamy sweater vest. Oh my God. So cute. Why can't you take the sweater vest off? There were no sleeves. I couldn't tie it. That was like my head. And I didn't want to ruin it. I liked it. Yeah, of course. You already fucked up this one. Yeah, okay. Exactly. Also, did you consider calling 911? What? That's a great question. Help. I should have. Help me, please. I guarantee you in the annals of 911 recorded calls, there are people calling.

51:14And even if they shit themselves, maybe even. I don't know what to do. Please come rescue me. I fucked up. I'm sorry. So that's sort of what I called my mom, who lives in St. Louis, Missouri. So I called her and I was like, what do I do? She couldn't hear me because I was crying and laughing and the trains are coming through. And she just texted me like, go to a store. So I ran up the stairs. I'm on Fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through Fifth Ave with my hands in the air because I sat in jail and I'm screaming to people. Like a crazy person.

51:49I'm like, I sat in jail. Oh my God. Do you think people thought you were on drugs? Probably. Because you had shit, you're screaming. I think people were like, that's her shit. I know. And I was really trying really hard to like point and be like, there's no way that this could be my shit. Like, look where it's at. It's on the outside of my jeans. One time you told me a story that you saw someone with shit all over their pants. At the CVS. But it had bled through. It wasn't like chunks on the outside. It was workout pants and it had bled through. You can tell it bled. Yeah. Sorry. I have one more question you're not going to like.

52:22but we've avoided this thus far were you smelling it yes yeah i thought i had a hunch that's another reason why i'm like i'm just so surprised with the people on the train because they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit at this point can you feel it on your body are you like it's soaked into my butt yes i was feeling damp so a long time ago i used to work at lululemon the athletic clothing brand. And when I hopped out of the subway, I saw the like stylized Omega sign. I was like, Oh my God, I know the girls at Lululemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot.

53:02So I run in and I like run straight to the nearest, we call them educators at Lululemon. And I'm waving at her and she is with a customer and she like looks at me like, Oh, what the fuck is going on? And she goes, are you okay? And I'm like yeah I just sat in shit on the subway like I need new pants right now and so she sends me over to the pant wall so I go to the pants wall I'm like give me a size six and if any black lady don't care just give it to me now I try to get a dressing room and like every dressing room's full and I'm still freaking out and I'm like I sat in shit I need to change right now and another customer is like would you like to sit down so you can calm down I'm like no I don't want to sit Do you see what's on my person?

53:45Like, no. No. So I finally change into the leggings ever so delicately so I don't get any of the shit onto my body. They gave me a Lululemon bag so I could put it in the bag. And then I go to check out with the security tag still on me. I had to, like, jump up onto the counter so they could remove the security tag. The very kind people at the Flatiron Lululemon did give me a 75 % off. They called it the UDestatin human shit discount. Oh, wow. That's nice. That's nice. The educators are nice. Yeah, it's a good company. They were really nice. And then I took my bag of shit jeans. And as you remember, I rented these jeans.

54:24And I couldn't just throw them away. Because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged like$220. They're an expensive brand. So I just had my shit jeans and my new leggings. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb that I was wearing leggings and a cute sweater vest. And I went home. I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my shit jeans into the laundromat with some laundry detergent. I sat there. And then I returned them the next day. I was like, I have to get those out of my house. So somebody else is currently wearing them. Previously shit soaked. Now, did you consider just reaching out to Nuuly and say like, hey, this is what happened.

55:03We got to throw these things out. Is that what you would have done? I think so. I think so. I would have done what you did. Yeah. How long ago was that? That was October 28th, 2023. I'll never forget the date. I didn't like sit down on the subway for months after. I got a lot of shame for not looking before I sat. When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around. That's really true. Cautionary tale yet again. So many lessons were learned on this subway episode. Thanks so much for sharing that. Thank you so much. It's so good to meet you. Bye. Bye-bye. From episode 910, foreign object in butt.

55:43Ding, ding, ding.

55:48Oh, hello. We're going by Toby. Yeah. Are you in the medical profession? Yeah, I'm an eMERGE doc. I've been an eMERGE doc for over 20 years. Did you watch The Pit? I watched one episode. Okay, and you didn't like it. No, it was good. It's just that we watched with the family and then the kids didn't want to continue watching it. It was going to be something I was going to kind of pursue on my own. OK, because it's like dad's work. We don't want to watch that. It was pretty realistic, though. OK, so Toby, please tell us about your foreign object story. This was a few years ago. I was working in our kind of low acuity area as like minor injuries.

56:23And my next patient to be seen on the tracker, it says no chief complaint. That means that they weren't really up front with the nurses at triage. And, you know, something is weird. What percentage of people who come in under that description do have something in them? A hundred percent.

56:42Maybe not a hundred percent, but I definitely walked into the room knowing there was a significant chance that this dude had something in one of his holes. Middle-aged guy, he looks healthy, definitely a bit haggard from the night before, but he's this intense dude and he's just really locked in on me. He went all out. A whole lot of cocaine and then in his words, a bunch of hookers. Oh, wow. Okay. A bunch. Boy. That's definitely more than three. I didn't pin him down on the numbers. He said, at some point in the night, things got carried away and I ended up with something in my ass. He's not sure exactly what it was or he wasn't willing to divulge, but he knows there's something there and he can't get it out and he wants it out.

57:39So when you're not sure exactly what's going on, you need to get some imaging first. You don't want to just do an internal exam without knowing what's going on. Like sometimes you'll find things like broken glass, needles, even things like razor blades. So we do an x-ray and it shows a 12 ounce beverage can in his rectum. No perforation, no obstruction. So bring him back and then we start talking to him about removing it. How difficult or how hard do you think it is to remove something from someone's ass? You're the second person we've spoken to. And my first question was like, what do you use?

58:11Like a speculum? Do you use what you would use in a pap smear? Do you open, then you put tongs in and pull it out? What do you do? It's a tough procedure. You've got this like ergonomic challenge in the sense that you've got this really small space that you're working in. And then access to that space is by even a smaller, tighter hole that's super innervated and goes into spasm really easily. And then the actual object itself is big and slippery. And it's like when you drop your cell phone down the side of your car seat. You can jam your hand like deep down there and you can actually touch it, but you can't pick it up.

58:43And it's just super frustrating. Okay, really quick, Toby, I just had what my idea would be. And I don't even know if it would be possible. But I think the move would be to somehow sink a wood screw into the bottom of the can and then pull that out. There are some case reports of people doing things with that with bottles and stuff. They have a bottle with the open end facing down and then they'll put like a catheter into the bottle and then fill the bottle with cement and then like let it harden and then pull it out. That's kind of the extreme stuff. But essentially, the first step is something called anal dilation.

59:14What you need to do is you need to gradually stretch out the anus so you can get as much of your hand in there as possible to remove the object. Essentially, we're medically fisting them. Right. So you go one finger, two finger, three finger, and then full Kit Kat, and then thumb, and then fist. And then pass to your wrist. Once you have gotten the fist past the sphincter, when you're actually in the intestine, is it then easy to open your hand? Is that really, really elastic? Just with the object there, you're definitely working in a confined space. It's not this like infinite space that you can just like act freely in there.

59:48When you do each finger individually, your anus is getting used to it, basically. Yeah, just slowly stretching it out. The vast majority of these people, though, they need to be deeply sedated. It's super innervated and it just hurts too much. Anybody with something big, like a first timer, they're getting sedated. Oh, my God. How many people are not first timers? Well, look, if you like things in your butt, you like things in your butt. It's not like one trip to the emergency room shuts that down. I work in an academic center, a teaching center. We have emergency medicine residents. So the person doing the procedure was my resident and she was perfect for it, right?

1:00:22She's eager, competent. And then most importantly, she's got thin wrists and strong hands. Because I work with some old dudes that have like big meat hooks. oh they'd wreck his o-ring so we do the sedation and she's able to get her whole fist in there and then she gets her hand on the can and starts pulling and she can't get it out it's too stuck you can get a suction that develops because the walls of the rectum just are completely covering the outside of the can and then the proximal colon just collapses and it's like a finger trap right when you pull on this thing yeah yeah you need to inflate it we considered the other options we have.

1:01:00Like we can use instruments like you talked about. So there's obstetrical instruments, vacuum extractors. You can sometimes try to pass a catheter to the level of the object or past it and then inflate air past it to try to break the suction. I've seen that once and it's super gross and it didn't work. Just like constant shit mist coming out of my guy's ass. Oh wow. Oh wow. It's just a continuous fart. Oh my god. You are on the front line my friend. You can also try to push down on the like the anterior of their lower abdomen to get it down to where the other person can kind of grab it better so we considered the options and then i was just talking to the resident and i said which way is the can facing and she said top of the can's facing down yes i said can you feel the tab and she's yeah i can feel the tab so i said i think we should open it in his ass yes so she goes in there we open it up and it's just this river of coliform blood and micro turds that's a medical term by the way micro turds you truly can't see them but it lasted forever and so we're just sitting there waiting and just pouring onto the bed and the floor finally stops she goes in there crush the can and with crushing the can she broke the suction and she's able to get really good mechanical purchase on it pull it down to the level of the anus once you're at the anus you got to get the rim over the can and once you pop that out it's out so It pops out and it's a can of Coke Zero.

1:02:28Oh, OK. This is consistent. We've heard it's always diet soda. I love that detail. Like, I love the idea of the guy party planning the day before going like, yeah, I got the cocaine. I'm going to get the hookers. And then like his idea of harm reduction was getting diet soda. Exactly. Like, let's keep it healthy. Keep it in homeostasis. Wow. He wakes up and he's feeling fine. I offer him some follow up, see a surgeon just to make sure there's no kind of long lasting injury. He declines it. Thanks us, just head held high, turns on his heel and just leaves the department. These are obviously embarrassing things.

1:03:00But at the same time, I really respected the dude, right? Because he partied with true commitment, left everything on the field, accepted the consequences, and then was grateful. All the respect to you. Yes, that's what I was going to say. So our previous guest, I have like a weird feeling about that person. She has a bad feeling about it. But I don't actually about this guy. Right. I think because he came in, he was like, look, I did all this. I'm naughty. I partied. Yeah, yeah. And this is what happened. It's like a full acknowledgement that makes it better. A hundred percent. He didn't hurt anybody.

1:03:30He didn't put anybody else at risk. He was just pushing the edge of the envelope. I just want to say how stimulating and gratifying it is to hear you speak. You have such a great vocabulary. There's such precision in the way you speak. And also you're talking about shit and coke spraying out. Yeah. It's real mixed messages in our favorite way. That's really kind of you. It's OK if I give two shout outs. Of course. So number one, it's to Heather. She's a doc I work with. She's a huge fan of Armchair Expert. and she's the one that forwarded me this prompt. Thank her on our behalf. Probably one of the best colleagues you could ever imagine.

1:03:59The other big shout outs to my actually Emerge group, all the people I work with. It's a really challenging environment and where we work, it's extra challenging right now. All the people I work with are just so committed to each other, the community, our department. I'm just so grateful to be able to work with such a committed, selfless group of people. That's awesome. Those are great shout outs. Yeah. Well, Toby, it's a delight to meet you. Have a great day. Thank you. Here, enjoy your summer. Now do you think the first guy's weird? I don't, but that's okay. I understand. It's funny because your fear is that the first guy was misogynistic.

1:04:33No, creepy. Oh, okay. There's a creepiness to that story that this one doesn't have. Right, right, right. Even though technically it's the same thing, it's not. The second guy sounds really fun. I'll tell you that. I don't know if I'll be able to unhear micro-turns.

1:04:59From episode 910, Foreign Object in Butt. Kim? Dax and Monica. Hi. Where are you? We're just going to say that I'm in Vermont, in my closet. Great. By the way, just thanks for joining us for Foreign Objects. I don't think I've been this excited about a prompt in a very long time. This is a big deal. So actually, my neighbor and I listen to you guys a lot. She's the best. I had been kind of MIA and she sent me the prompt. She was like, it's go time. This is your time to shine. And we had two stories that we could have potentially shared. So I sent out a Google poll. This is the one that won. So I'm so excited.

1:05:35Wow. And I'm also jealous to have two that are so good you had to do a poll. What a life you're living. Are you in the medical industry? I am in the medical industry for about 15 years. I am a nurse practitioner. So I was a nurse for a couple of years and I went on, got a degree. And now I'm an NP, which is we're not supposed to say it, but like a mid-level provider. Meaning somewhere between entry-level nurse and doctor? Yeah. So I can actually write prescriptions, do procedures. Oh. I can practice independently. NP is a cool gig. I did the same amount of time as going to med school, but just not as in-depth training as like a doctor.

1:06:11I work alongside them. Yeah. Okay. So hit us with this foreign object story. I got a call to come down to the emergency room. There was a patient there that was constipated, which is kind of in the wheelhouse of the department I work for. I walk into the room and the guy is kind of pacing, not feeling well. And so I sit down. I have a colleague with me and we start doing the basic exam, like tell me about your diet. When was the last time you went? It's been over a week. And then you kind of have to ease into this subject a little bit and be like, so just tell me, could there be something lodged in there preventing you from going to the bathroom?

1:06:43As you're hearing someone's constipated for a week, do you go through a most likely scenario? So for me, if I heard that, my first thoughts would be you're on opiates. That's on the differential list for that, of course. After working in this field for so long, I'm instantly like, what'd you put up there, bud? Wow. Okay, great. It's that common. Yeah, diet soda is very common, but this one was out of left field. Oh, diet soda bottles, you mean, or diet soda causes constipation? Diet soda cans. That's like the most common thing. So instantly, I'm like, you probably have a diet soda shoved in. Okay, hold on.

1:07:15There's so much here because what a revelation. And why diet? Diet Dr. Pepper. Wait, specifically Diet Dr. Pepper? Number one soda up the poop chute. Is it possible? Not at all. No objects in my prison wallet. Got it, man. We're going to move forward with the exam. So I'm like, I'm just going to take a look, make sure there's not like a tumor or anything, blocking anything. We're just going to do a gentle rectal exam. So he gets up on the table, puts his feet up, and my partner and I go to do just a rectal exam. And staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever. Monica, you grew up in like the 80s, 90s.

1:07:52So you know what Barbie's feet look like. Of course. They're so specific. You've seen Barbie feet. They're just so perfect. So these two little beautiful feet are just staring back at us. Ew, no! I said, are you sure there's not an object shoved up there? He's like, I didn't put it up there. Somebody might have, but I didn't put it up there. Sure. Who's to know what? Who did what? Yeah. So I'm like, maybe I can get him out. So I go to pull just gently on these two little perfect feet. It's tight. It's not coming out of there. The arms are acting as a fish barb. Oh, so a Barbie is tallish to like have all the way up your butt.

1:08:28So that's just a tiny piece. Yeah, she's got to be what? 10 inches tall? Probably. And she has hair. Of all the things, you don't want the hair in your body. I kind of relate. We go to CT scan. And sure enough, on CT, you see like the perfect. I wish I could show it to you. It's just like the most perfect image of Barbie. No. What an amazing thing to see on a scan. Yeah, I'll be honest. Did you take a picture of it? No, I didn't. Because some people had just gotten in a lot of trouble for the other item that was up somebody's butt. And so I was like, I can't have this on my phone. So anyways, Barbie is now stuck because you hit the nail on the head, Dax.

1:09:02Her little arms are getting stuck because he put her arms down as he shoved her up in head first. And so anytime we try to pull, her little arms aren't forgiving or letting her out. Can her arms go all the way up like this? Yeah, they go over her head. They can, but you'd have to put her in like that. He didn't think about it. Well, he didn't put her up there. Oh, right. We're going to have to go to the OR. This is the only way we're going to be able to get Barbie out. So we go into the operating room and her little hands have caused a hole because he's obviously been like tugging on her at home.

1:09:32So he gets a colostomy, all these things. But the best, absolute, most perfect moment is we're in the operating room. We take this Barbie out. And it's not just Barbie. It's not Barbie in a swimsuit. It's President Barbie. He desecrated the most powerful woman in the free world and put it up his rear end. So then the jokes start flowing. The misogyny. You want to be president? You can be president of my ass. She'll do anything for a vote. Was she white? Of course she was. We said president. I know. I mean, a woman president already. Yeah, and a black woman, get real. Although Michelle would have definitely been the shoe-in.

1:10:16Okay, let's not bring her into this story. We'll just see who would have definitely been who could have won. Ugh. My God. Okay, when you came back to him and you said, so we'd done an x-ray, I'm sorry to tell you there's some, Like, how does he handle this information? He goes, yeah, there might be an object up there, but never said her name, never admitted that it was President Barbie. I kind of understand his approach, which is you say to yourself, I got to go get this removed and I'm not going to fucking talk to them. You take it out. I'm not going to engage at all. I'm just going to get through this.

1:10:50Why do you think you have that privilege if you are putting. Because you're so humiliated that you know that talking about it is going to be too much. So you just say to yourself, I'm going to go and I'm going to disassociate. I think you should have to get on a loudspeaker and tell the whole hospital what you've done. They shouldn't feel shame for this. That's the president lady. Okay, that aspect. He likes women of power. I guess maybe it could be like he wants a relationship with the female president. He's attracted to a powerful woman. Vermont's pretty progressive. But maybe he was for Bernie and then so he's mad.

1:11:28He's mad at Hillary. It's Hillary she's representing. Or Kamala. We don't know what year this was. It was in the Hillary timeframe. I don't think it was politically motivated. I think it was just something that he thought would feel good in his butt. Now, was this his daughter? Like, where'd he? So many questions. Now, isn't this something? I'm more disturbed about him potentially having gone to the store and buying a Barbie than I am about him putting anything in his butt. Yeah, that part's like pedophile-y. Or if it's his kids, that part's very bad. President Barbie felt pretty intentional. That feels like I went to the store, I went on Amazon, I ordered her up.

1:12:04Let me ask you this though, the clothes were on her? You only know she's the president by her outfit. Pink power suit. And then later the vote for Barbie pin came out of the ostomy. Wait, wait, wait. Back up, tell me what the ostomy is. Ostomy is this little blip of your intestinal tract that we pull outside of your body to rest your intestine. And all your poop comes out into a bag, out this little what we call stoma. You have to wait when you have an ostomy for poop to start back up before you to get released from the hospital. And so the nurse, I show up to discharge him. And she's like, Kim, the vote for Barbie pin came out in the bag.

1:12:42Oh, my God. So there was no denying it was President Barbie. She was in power. She was going for the campaign. It was there. Yeah. What is the procedure to remove it? Do you put in like a speculum and spread his intestine apart to pull it out? What happens? There's like a little rerouting and then it's kind of like squishing sausage casing. Wow. I'm really mad at that. Why are you so mad? Dex, this is an act of violence against women. I think it was just there. He was probably inebriated. It was not just there. You think this was a political statement? Well, he picked this Barbie. And the question is, did he pick it because it was close or this premeditated, I'm going to get a President Barbie and humiliate her.

1:13:24Either way, it's that or if it was just there, we assume he used his kid's toy. They could have been long out of the house, though. How old is this guy-ish? He was 50s. The last kicker is this is where you can kind of evaluate where you're headed with your hypotheses. So he's healthy. He's fine. He's going home. I'm discharging him, right? I'm going, OK, we're going to see you back in clinic this day. We'll talk about reversing the ostomy this day. And he's like, I just have one more question. Can I have the object you took out of me back? Because he had to return it. No.

1:14:01Ew, can you imagine? Oh, my God. What a story. Oh, wow. A Barbie. I mean, honestly, there's very few objects I can think of being more uncomfortable in your butt than the plastic Barbie with all the appendages. I know. What happened to her shoes? She was probably wearing high heels. He probably threw those right off of her. She didn't deserve them. The heels were the first to go, probably, because you know it completed the power suit. Wow. This is great. It is great. It's really interesting to hear how you guys are taking it. I'm nervous for shaming him. I think it's fine, you know, if you do this.

1:14:35I always was like, oh, he really likes women of power. But you're saying this is a misogynistic thing. He likes to desecrate powerful women. And now all of a sudden I am getting angry. No, don't let her persuade you. There's no misogyny happening. Hey, hey, hey. You can't say that definitively. You're right. I can't. I don't like that the doctors and the nurses have to deal with it. I don't mind because you're like, this is what I want to do. Oh, yeah. I've done it for 15 years. I don't feel bad for firefighters when a house catches on fire. It's like, that's what they do. I get actually more mad when it's like Diet Dr.

1:15:04Pepper. And I'm like, man, come on. Show some creativity. Well, lovely meeting you. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. You too. It was so good meeting you. Shout out to brother Luke and Kat and Susan, the neighbor, who put me up to this. Wonderful. Take care.

1:15:20Episode 845, Unauthorized Evacuation. Hello. Jonathan, are you standing on a box or are you six foot eight? You're close. I'm just north of 6 '9". Holy smokes. Congratulations. You're above the doorframe. Thank you. Worked on it my whole life. That's very exciting. How many years did it take you to hit 6 '9"? probably 23, but I'm 33 now. And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything? I played basketball a little bit, and then I stopped playing, and then I lost everything. So no. Wait, what do you mean you lost everything? The skills.

1:16:01Oh, your skills. I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump. I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate. I'm excited to see how your height's going to impact the evacuation. Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, it kind of raises the stakes. It will. It plays an adjacent role. Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event. So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore, junior in college. That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts. And so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there. And another thing is it's dining food is really good.

1:16:37It's like number one, number two in the country, at least when I was there. Really? I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining common on the campus and I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie, but the student employees would roll sushi. And then I also worked, I think it was called teppanyaki. It's basically like a big flat top grill with thick noodles. And I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on it. There's a spicy paste called, I think it's like gochujang, probably saying that wrong, but I love it. It's like a red paste, really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into just individual dishes and put them out and then students would come and grab Jonathan, can I just, I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was 5 '9".

1:17:20I imagine cooking on that grill was probably terrible on your back. Did your back kill when you would have shifts? The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead. That would like take the exhaust. It'd have a nice sharp corner on like the excess of it. And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that. And then from there was very aware of its surrounding. Yeah, you need to walk around with a helmet. Other reasons, too. But yeah, for sure. Okay, I just I got worried about you. Okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top. So my shift is always a dinner shift. It was like four to nine.

1:17:53And about half hour of running my shift, I'd take my dinner. Usually when I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the gochujang because I liked it. go eat, come back to work, clean up, and then head back to my dorm. And usually, full disclosure, by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through, and off I go. Clockwork. So this night, had my dinner, went back to work, and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumblings inside. And I thought, we're okay. We can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more.

1:18:25And then we thought, okay, let's just be smart here let's be proactive let's go find the bathroom and head out it was the end of the night so a lot of students were leaving it was closing the bathroom was occupied near the front of the building so that's fine we have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building so I head downstairs employee entrance side there's the laundry room there's the freezers where all the food's kept hustle past all that it's the end of the night that's occupied too by some student employee. You've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building. At this point, you're probably thinking like, God damn it, if I just headed home, I might be there by now.

1:19:01Yep, but I still need to like clock out. And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet. So I start heading back the other way. Maybe that bathroom's now open. Obviously make it all the way back up the stairs. It's not. We're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs and we're like, all right, maybe that one's going to be open. In my head, we know it's not. So we start thinking, what's around me? And earlier I walked past the laundry room. Oh, we duck into the laundry room. We close the door and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of? There is like a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket.

1:19:39And we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage? You're about to shit in public and a closet, but you're still a gentleman. I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day, but mine. Yeah. But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options and the cork has been popped. Oh, okay. Oh my God. Lava flows out. Oh, hold on a second. And you're staring at a bucket? We're weighing decisions. These are decisions to be made and they were not made in time. It sounds like you had decision anxiety or decision fatigue, but I also want to point out, cause I know you so well, Monica, when you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little PQ.

1:20:17Did you get it? No, No, I did not. I felt it kind of viscerally. Okay, okay. Because when I talk it. Okay. Train left the station at this point mentally. Yeah. And so I am very tall. My pants inseam is 38 inches. So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up. Sure. And we're safe. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube. And we're just like, let's just go clock out. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just clock out. Your pants are full of shit. we want to lock the door somehow. We want to turn them inside out, get it in that bucket.

1:20:52Maybe, I don't know, we're going to try to mop up the inside of the pants. There's a washing machine there. I might wash and stay. I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants? I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self-contained system here. Okay. This is smart. It must be a smart school. Well, he's smart. You can tell. Yeah. Technically on a degree, but barely. Wait, what color were the pants? Dark jeans. Okay, that's good. That's what you want. You'd prefer black, but sure. So yeah, I go, clock out, and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out.

1:21:25It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but you know. Also, can I add again, I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in. Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you've got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk. Also, your butt is like at most people's faces. That's where the danger comes in. Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day. Terrible today. So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd.

1:21:57We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower. Those pants obviously destroyed. Threw them in the trash in the trash room immediately. And went to bed. And at this point, I thought that's the end of the story. But unfortunately, that's just part one. Oh, no. Oh, wow. Part two, next day. We fast forward to this shift again. I'm getting set up in the sushi area. Some of the student employees just like talking, say hi, we catch up. And then one of them say, hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing and she says, he broke his arm.

1:22:28And I say, I don't know why that's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. And she's like, no, he slipped and fell when leaving work last night. And I was like, I still don't understand why this is hilarious to you. No, no, no. He slipped on the stairs. on poop. Stop it! No! No! I'm not about to take full blame for this, because we don't know 100 % that someone else didn't have a story right after this. That's right. Plausible deniability. Well, at first glance, I was like, this is crazy. This is you. It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility. But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt.

1:23:10But so maybe multiple people shit their pants that day. That's a good argument. And you already said it's a huge school. I don't think it was yours. I just think if you have 46 ,000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit their pants. I don't think it would have escaped the sock. You would have noticed it. A little morse of the shame, Paulie. You don't know. You fucking broke your co-worker's arm. What a left turn. Allegedly. And he had to cast like up to his arm, like the right angle cast for like a couple months. Fuck, you really got him. Oh, no. And he probably wasn't able to work.

1:23:49No, he's fine. He probably got a lot of attention, got a date. Oh, if I broke my arm on somebody's poop, oof. Really quick, though. I have follow up questions. How did they know it was shit? The smell and the look of it. It was like on his shoe. Oh, OK. That makes a lot of sense. I bet people would have assumed someone brought a dog in. But the dining common?

1:24:14I'm trying to help you here. I don't know why you're pushing back so hard. Oh, it was the stairs at the dining. Oh, no, it's definitely you. No, it's you. And I'm your defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you. Oh, my God. And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk tomorrow. Oh, let's write that down. That's a great idea. That'd be pretty funny. Did you come clean? Oh, no. No, no, no. First time anyone has heard this story in my life. My wife's here. I said I got approved for this prompt.

1:24:48She's like, what prompt? And I didn't answer. She said, what prompt?

1:24:54At the end of this, would love to say hi, but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get. Okay, it's all coming clear to me now. Does he remind you as well of that great comedian? He reminds me of Zach Woods. Yep. Do people tell you that? Yeah. That's flattering. Oh, yeah. He's hilarious. Yeah, he's also really good looking. I'll take it. Okay. Well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past. She's pretty cute. He's got a lower his head to go. Oh, my God. He did have to. Yeah. Fuck. Well, we heard him killing her. We've never seen her.

1:25:28Oh, it was a child. Oh, yay. Hi. Oh, my God. I can't believe it's you guys. Hi there. Who's this cutie pie? Who's this little redhead? She was wondering who daddy was talking to in the closet. No one. Don't worry about it. Just a good story. Princess Anna's husband. That's who daddy's talking to. Big fans of Frozen Oversary. That carries a lot of weight in this house. Yeah. Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story. He almost killed a man by shitting his pants. He won't tell me anything. I have to wait to listen. Oh, this is exciting. I just ruined the plot twist. Did you guys meet in college?

1:26:07No, we actually met in high school. We didn't know each other. But we're not a high school sweetheart. Correct. We reunited during college. At a bar in your hometown or at a reunion? Actually, exactly. At a trivia. Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played trivia after high school because they were living at home with their parents. Can I say that's a great group. If you're going to meet someone at a bar, do it at a trivia night. I agree. Put that degree to use. Yeah, we were pretty good, too. So we decided to get married. Nice. Do you guys continue to compete in trivia? Not much.

1:26:39We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get out for trivia nights. Yeah, you're fucked for about seven more years. It's a good trade-off. It is. Thanks for chatting with us. That was great. Thank you so much. All right. Take care, you guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairies, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, Rindish. On the flyer, Rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:27:27You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.