Curtis Duffy (chef and restaurateur)

22:13These are all from the outside. They seem like attempts to fix what's going on mentally. Running from something. Yes, hoping that this big reset will somehow change him. Yeah, you're right. What's clear in the book, you still have a lot of love for your dad, though. I do. It is bizarre because I did go through a long time of hatred towards him. He's disrupted, interrupted, fucked up my life to some degree, our lives, our family, the whole thing. There was a lot of hatred, stuff I had to work through personally to overcome that. But I try to see who he is. I try to understand the position and the things that he went through, where his mind was at that age.

22:52I mean, I'm well older than he was at that time. He's 40 years old. Wow. So I've outlived him. My mom never saw 40. Yeah. Did you ever reconnect with your biological mom? You know, speaking of Frisha's big boy, my brother, when I was working one day, he's like, hey, I got a friend outside who wants to meet you. He's dying to meet you. I'm like, all right, cool. I think I'm 16 or 17. I go outside. Hey, this is your mom. Sue is her name. And I'm just in complete shot. I'm thinking I'm going to meet one of his buddies. Yes. And I'm here, this lady is standing and she tries to hand me$50. I'm like, what the hell am I going to do with that?

23:29I don't need your money. I didn't take it. $50 doesn't capture the last 17 years. So I never really reconnected with her. My brother has a relationship with her to this day. I just chose not to. Meeting her, it hurt me because I didn't want to upset my mother. I felt disloved. I told her right away. I had to tell her it was killing me. I was so worried about breaking her heart. I didn't put myself in that position. I was forced into that position. To this day, I probably would have never met her. Yeah, and it's weird because if you don't see her, you can kind of compartmentalize it. Like she doesn't really exist, maybe.

24:02The seeing her, you have to face this person dropped you off at six months old, made a choice. Your life is tough. And part of it's because she put you in that situation. And never look back. Well, yeah. As far as the compartmentalization, there's layers to it. It's like A, it's best to just ignore she even exists. And then if she does exist, it's actually a lot easier if she doesn't want to meet you. Yeah. It's very complicated if, wait, she's gone. And now, no, she isn't gone. And I don't know if I can handle that she actually wants to have a relationship with me. Yeah. That's kind of overwhelming.

24:35It is. There's a lot of things that I want to know from her medically, you know, the lineage of her father and all the things that maybe could affect me and my family. But not so much that I want to have that relationship because I'm sure if I reach out, it's going to open a can of worms. You're not in the market for that. I'm not. I'm good. My life is great. What do you major in at Ohio State? It was a culinary degree in applied science. It was a three-year program for culinary. You knew from that first restaurant job you got, this is what I want to do? Yeah, once I got into high school and I started working in a professional kitchen, this is all I want to do.

25:08When do you decide to go from, for lack of better terminology, like a pedestrian cook to, oh, I actually want to be an artist? My last two years of high school was in a vocational school or a tech school. Luckily, they had a culinary program there. So I spent the last two years of high school in that culinary program. and I met a lady named Kathy Zay, who was the teacher and the instructor there. She was very well connected to a lot of professional chefs in the Columbus area. And she would take students every year, once a year to a place called Mirfield Village Golf Club. It was owned by Jack Nicklaus that held one of the PGA stops of the tour.

25:47And I went out there consecutively for two years and that's where I really wanted to work. So she was able to connect me with the chef and I just went there to work that week. But then I started going there on the weekends to work for free because I just wanted to be there. What was he doing that was so intriguing? Because I think it's important for context. Anyone that's 25 years old right now, they've grown up in an era where there were many, many cooking shows on. There are Instagram accounts where you follow this. There's knowledge of Jose Andres' teachers in Spain. Like you could really know everything.

26:22Celebrity chef culture. Yes, pre-Bourdain's book. But for you and I, I don't know, what would you see in a magazine, like a travel magazine? How would you even be exposed to this kind of far end of cooking? For me, it was the environment that was there, being able to go there and the houses around the golf courses. This one has an elevator and this one has eight rooms and just massive eye-opening moment for me that I wanted to be a part of. And the only way to be a part of it is if I was working there. Yes. Not only that, the chef, John Souza, was so great with the young cooks and was a very educational and a great hands-on teacher.

26:59So any opportunity I got, I went there to work for free or whatever. He didn't hire me. Just let me spend my time that I wasn't working somewhere else here. So he agreed to take me on as an apprentice as I went into college. I spent a total of about six years there. Everybody would leave at night and I would stay there and I would start creating. I would leave at three o 'clock, four o 'clock in the morning where everybody else is out drinking and partying. I'm still in the kitchen working for free, doing my thing, trying to create, just trying to learn and learn and learn. That's where I put the blinders on and just was like total focus.

27:30And would you ever be experimenting and discover something and then pitch the chef? Yeah. As a young cook, that's the greatest thing is like to try to have something on the menu. It's like seeing your name in the credits of a movie when you're an actor. It's the greatest thing for a young cook was most of the time there was always like, no, it's the chef's restaurant, it's his ideas, It's his everything. Yes. In 2000, you're now 25. You are working at Charlie Trotter in Chicago. That was the draw to come to Illinois. The internet was around a little bit at that time. So it wasn't a lot of communication through there.

28:04It was just like sending resumes, sending a cover letter, just trying to get in the door. And finally they called and said I could come there and do what we call a stage, which is basically work for a short amount of time for free. It's a way to interview you, if you will. How standardized are the cultures in these higher end restaurants? So like the golf course that you were coming from, what was the culture in there versus what it was like at Charlie Trotter? I'm presuming some of these are more dictatorial. Yeah, there is a brigade system that you follow by. You have chef, you have the executive chef, chef's cuisine, sous chef.

28:37There's a banquet chef in there somewhere, depending on how large the operation is. pastry chef, and then what we call chef de partiz, which are all the cooks. So the hierarchy there is very interesting and something that's pretty standard across most high-end restaurants. But culturally, huge difference. Going from Muirfield, which was more laid back, although there's a lot of great standards there and culturally there was a great time and place, but when I got to Charlie Trotter's, it was completely different. Just really intense work environment. A lot of panic and yelling. Not so much yelling.

29:10It was just very demanding physically, mentally. Like you had to be on point all the time. Charlie was relentless for putting you in positions of uncomfortableness. Because of the perfectionism. Yeah. And you think he wanted everybody in that restaurant to be great. I imagine myself in some of these kitchens, at least that I hear about, and I'm like, that would be too much for me. You'd punch them. For me, I think it was welcoming to some degree. I guess you admired the people. That's the key, right? You probably did admire this chef. Yes, you're right. And want their skills enough to tolerate it all.

29:42Yeah, and I think even dating back to John Susan, also a good friend of mine who was the banquet chef, Regan Coy Visto, I admired these chefs so much that they could have told me to jump off a building and I probably would have done it. Right. You wanted what they had. Yeah, and that was the structure I was craving. That was right at the time my parents passed away. And now I'm like all of a sudden this malleable teenager that needs structure. I need it, but I don't have it. So I could have went any direction in life I wanted to had I not had these structural pillars in my life. You know, Regan was a huge asset for me.

30:17Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

30:30You end up in 2003 as the pastry chef at Trio? Correct, yes. Again, I'm stupid. I know nothing about this. But I would imagine a pastry chef is solely going to be a pastry chef. I just think of someone as cooking dessert. That feels like a specialty unto itself that that would be the end goal. For some people, right? For most people in the pastry world, it is a completely different discipline. And that is exactly what they do. They are set on pastry. And this is what I do. I don't really screw around with the savory world. like I want pastry sweet world to my thing. I need shit to rise perfectly.

31:03That's all I want to think about. Restaurant trio back in 2003, it was a different mindset. Like sweet and savory could intermix. So I never really looked at myself as a pastry chef. I spent a lot of time in the pastry department in every job that I was at because I felt like it was important to be well-rounded. And when the opportunity came, when Grant had said, hey, you want to take over the pastry position? I jumped at it because I felt like I had base knowledge of it. And it was a way for me to express some creativity. Because the pastry chef I'm imagining is a little more empowered to create?

31:41A hundred percent. They're basically the chef of the whole sweet side. The head chef's going to leave them to that kind of thing. Yeah. But I felt so obligated as a younger cook to understand that side of it because the language barrier talking to a pastry chef and someone who doesn't understand the pastry world can get blurred really quickly. But if you can have that conversation about pastries as a savory cook, how much greater could you be? You can now conceptualize together. Yeah, it's like at other businesses when you should have worked every single piece of it, even when you're at the top, so you can then speak the language.

32:18So you understand it, yeah. You understand where everybody's at. And so you're two years there, and then in 2005, you go to Aline? Alinea. Alinea. And Rob, that's where you ate. Yep, a couple times. How long had Alinea been a prominent restaurant in Chicago at that time? So we actually opened Alinea. So Grant Ackett's, who is the chef at Trio, where I was the pastry chef, we closed Trio with the idea that Grant is now going to open Alinea. And he asked me to be one of the chefs that would help him open it. So then we spent the next year and a half in an office creating what would be Alinea. We were working in one of the investors' home to create dishes.

32:58For a year and a half. These are not normal dishes. You should watch The Chef's Table. It's incredible. I watched several different videos of what happens at your restaurant ever. It's mind-boggling. You take this amache, you cut it up, then you freeze it in little blocks, then you put it on a meat slicer to make it crazy thin, and then you let that curl up and you put that in... Liquid nitrogen. Liquid nitrogen. And now it's this little curly tail, and then it's going to basically thaw at the perfect time that it's on the plate. Yes, it's science and art. Yeah, it's a little bit of everything.

33:35I only remember this from interviewing Jose, but a lot of that was pioneered in Spain there. Well, the liquid nitrogen aspect was certainly pioneered there. The science side of cooking was really implemented there in El Bully, in Spain there. and a lot of the great restaurants in Spain now still practice that modern gastronomy. So how are you guys becoming adept and educated on it? Back in the day, it was just about the internet. Everybody was on the race to post new and creative and interesting things to be the first one to kind of say, we did it. That was a huge race back then. That was early 2000s.

34:12And, you know, at that time, Spain was so far ahead. Everybody's eyes were on what they were doing over there and just trying to not really compete, but stay up to speed with everything. Not be embarrassed by what they're doing, basically. Yeah, because they were so far ahead and they are always forward thinking, even in their architecture, they're so far ahead. I'm imagining there was a huge reward for you with Alinea, just having been a part of creating the whole thing. Did you have a sense of pride and ownership over all that? A hundred percent. They're celebrating their 20 years right now.

34:39Grant's traveling a couple cities to celebrate the 20 years. I think it's a milestone. It's incredible because restaurants of that nature, they don't stick around that long. Yeah. Most restaurants will stick around 20 years. Certainly one that's super progressive and forward thinking like that. After Alinea, you go four years later to Avenues in the Peninsula Hotel and there you're a head chef. So this is your first time on your own. Yeah. And was it hard to leave Alinea? Did you feel the loyalty you felt towards Jan? Was it hard for you to break out and finally do your own thing and not be with anyone?

35:12Well, funny story is if we back up To me leaving Charlie Trotters, I interviewed with Grant at Trio. And Grant didn't want to hire me because he's like, you need to do your own damn thing. I'm getting ready to do my own thing. He's like, you need to go find your own kitchen and kind of like have your own voice. I didn't feel like I was ready for it. So I convinced him somehow to hire me. And that's where we made that connection. We started working together. So when it was my time to leave Alinea, for me, it was, you know, you're in the shadows. You're doing other people's food, which is great because it's still a huge learning thing.

35:44But at some point, if you know you have that entrepreneurial spirit and you know you want to do your own thing, you have a voice, you can't stand in those shadows. So I left and spent some time just figuring out what I wanted to do. And then Avenues came available for me to, I don't want to say audition, but I cooked for certain people in the hotel. And it was a restaurant that was already very successful with the chef that was there. And they needed to carry on what was going on in that restaurant space. So they allowed a chef to come in there and have really their own voice. The restaurant didn't have an identity.

36:18So, you know, they would just hire the right chef to run it for as long as they would want to run it. It just needed to be great food. It didn't need to have a personality. Right. It wasn't like, oh, it needs to be a steakhouse. It needs to be an Italian place. They're like, it's a chef-driven restaurant. What did you make for your audition? Do you remember? I don't remember. That's a great question. Yeah, dying to know. Chocolate no-bix for everyone. But I think mostly with my resume and my time at Alinea and just who I was in the city, I'd already started to develop a name a little bit. And it was an easy sell for the hotel.

36:50And so the year after you took that job, you earned two Michelin stars. Correct. All right. So help me understand. I'll see like Michelin star restaurant. And then I noticed you got like three stars. How does this Michelin star thing work? Yeah. I didn't realize there's multiple. I just thought either you get one or you don't. It's an earned accolade every single year. So it is not yours to keep. And it's theirs to take away whenever they decide you're not holding the standard properly. It is not a permanent thing. Oh, I didn't know that either. So you could be a one Michelin star restaurant for a couple of years and then be a zero Michelin star?

37:24Absolutely. Lose it. Oh, God. Are you allowed to say previous Michelin star? I know. I would still want that. There is plenty of restaurants out there that have lost it. And how's it earned? They just drop in at some point and they eat there? So yeah, they shop you throughout the year unannounced. unannounced. They could be buried in a six top. They could be buried in a large party. They could be a single diner, two tops. They could be really anywhere, male, female, old, young. How dare you? I'd be so good. We like things so much. I don't think we'd be discerning enough. I know personally we would have given out like 50 of them by now.

37:57Like we had a sticky toffee pudding at a pretty medium level hotel. This is the best thing ever. We got to plan a trip back there just to get that sticky. It's true. We would have given them two or three for that. I could give them eight. Eight Michelin stars for that. I could give them eight. As odd as it worked, what's the max you can get? Three is the highest. And that's so rare, yeah? Worldwide, there's less than 150. So you can imagine, at the time when we received the third Michelin star, we were one of 12 in the country. Oh, my Lord. Wow, that's amazing. What's the celebration like when that's announced?

38:30Because it's got to be so good for your business. It does make the restaurant busier, certainly. It changes clientele immediately from people, not just locally, but now they're flying in from all over the place just to eat at your restaurant. Because there's diehard Michelin fans that just travel the world to eat at restaurants. That's all they do. I know we were maybe going to do a podcast. We lightly suggested it. We suggested we would go to all the Michelin star restaurants and record while we ate it. But misophonia, people don't like the sounds of eating while people talk. I just kind of casually mentioned it.

39:02Didn't we get a bunch of emails, Rob? Yeah, we got like four or five invites. I think maybe we should maybe pick that back up. We should have done that all. Okay, so why do you only stay there for a few years before opening Grace? As a young cook, I didn't get into business to earn accolades. It was not even a thought to be a chef and to win awards. For me, it was about feeding people, making them happy, creating memories. And this was a way for me to make a living. and I get to be creative and do what I love to do. So that's the reason why I started cooking. Michelin was not in the U.S. until recently.

39:37It were less than 20 years since Michelin's been in the U.S. It's always been in Europe and they're still expanding in different countries still. You know, I think they saw a huge potential in North America. Started in New York, then the California, Vegas, and then Chicago, I think was the fourth city. So as young cooks, as young chefs, you always look at three Michelin stars is like the pinnacle of some chef's career. That's the highest accolade you can get. Yeah, where do you go from there? Where do you go from there? When we receive two stars, blown away. Like, what could we do? Immediately start thinking like, with what I'm surrounded with and the tools that I have and the people that I have and everything here, I have control over it, but I don't have control over it.

40:16It's not mine. It's in a hotel and there's guidelines and there's certain things that you got to play by, the certain rules. What if I didn't have any of that? What does that look like? now all of a sudden it's like I could possibly obtain that third star on my own because I have full control over everything at that point. Yeah. So that's where the mind went. That's where I started searching for investors and starting to build what I thought would be my restaurant. Okay. So now here's where I get really confused because you start Grace in 2012. 2013 the rob reports named you the best restaurant in the world you earned three michelin stars four years in a row oh my god what closed in 2017 i'm like i'm reading this and i'm like wait why did you close you can only go down from there like imagine anything in the world what What we've now discovered is it's perfect.

41:14Let's shut it down. Like, what is that? That is called a shitty business deal. Oh, okay. That's where it came from. You were in an arrangement that didn't work for you. Yeah. When you're young and hungry and you want your own thing, you just go. And we did. And we signed an agreement that wasn't looked over through a professional lawyer to say, don't sign that. Are you fucking crazy? We signed it because we were hungry and we knew this guy was going to give us money to build this restaurant. And this guy was so bullheaded that in 2016, if you had gone to him and said, look, you're going to have either nothing or you're going to give me my fair share.

41:47You said, great, I'll take nothing. If you would have been part of that story or behind the scenes, that's exactly what I said. Yeah. What happened was, so we had gone into a place where we knew we were going to leave, but we were trying to buy the restaurant from him. All of a sudden we find out we're not really owners. We're just employees of this guy's restaurant. He is not a restaurateur. He's never been. He's a guy who does real estate on the super, super low end, bottom feeder. Slumlordy type stuff. Slumlord to the max, right? So we start to see all these red flags as we're building it. We should have paid attention to the red flags.

42:19We just said, that'll never be us. And we just move forward. But if I can defend you for one second. You have a crazy skill. You're a crazy artist. You cannot be expected to also be the savviest business. To expect that out of one person is kind of ludicrous. I know. But the idea is you're supposed to surround yourself with great people, right? It takes time to build a route up. We build the restaurant and we get to a place where it's paid back. And then some, and then some, and then some. We're a place where we're supposed to be making now money from this restaurant. We have a ton of sweat equity into it.

42:56Fucking three stars four years in a row. We earned everything we set out to do. The restaurant was busier than we could ever possibly think of. I mean, we had, you know, wait lists for months and months at a time. It was everything that we wanted it to be. So we get to a place where it's like, look, this is not working out. If I leave, the restaurant closes. This guy was like, no. Okay, then walk. So I walked. But when I walked, I didn't announce it to the public because we were also still negotiating trying to buy this restaurant from him, which he was never going to sell to us. He was just putting a carrot and a carrot and a carrot to buy more time, make more money.

43:36So he was never going to sell it. And the buyback number was so atrocious. You would just fall off your seat. No, we're not buying it for$10 million. It took us a million and a half to build it. What are you talking about? I left and I left for like four months, but I was still managing everything from the outside. I wasn't physically there, but I was having Zoom with my chef de cuisine, who was creating dishes from me at home and going, no, put this here, change that, make sure the puree is this, and then taste it, how does it taste? And we were just doing things like that. It was so bizarre.

44:08And this was all behind this guy's back because I wanted the restaurant to succeed. Because I had your name. It's your child. You had everything. And restaurants of that caliber just don't close for no reason. That was the pinnacle. And it was running like a damn Olympian. It was an amazing thing. It was just carrot after carrot after carrot. And I'm like, all right, we're done. So my business partner and I, we were in California here riding motorcycles with Keanu Reeves and a few other buddies. Just through Joshua Tree. And yeah, with Arch Motorcycles, exactly. It was an amazing time. And we both looked at each other and said, this is the day.

44:42We already drafted the story of New York Times. So Monday morning, New York Times dropped. Grace announces chef leaving. The restaurant never reopens. But this was a conversation I had with this guy. I said, you don't understand. The moment I announced it to the public, It's done. They're not coming here because you. Yeah, exactly. They're coming here because of my name and what I do. Yeah. I'm like the fucking goose laying the golden egg. Yes. And you're just willing to throw it all away. So short-sighted. He was just ready to burn it down. So he did. Yeah, he thought he was being a shrewd businessman.

45:12He has 100 % of nothing. Pride. Exactly. Ego. I'm delighted there was a good explanation. Yeah, that makes sense. I would have really been scratching my head. Also, I'm sad, though, because I want to go there. Go to Ever. I will. Yeah, we have a better restaurant now. Okay, great. Called Everett. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had any other restaurant gotten three stars four years in a row? There's restaurants that have been three stars for 30, 40 years. A lot of great French restaurants. But here in the U.S.? In the U.S., no, but the ones that had three stars were consecutive. Alinea has three stars since day one.

45:45They're 20 years now. French Laundry? Maybe they're 15 years deep, however long Michelin has been in the U.S. French Laundry, they've all held those accolades since they achieved them. Boy, I bet it's a blessing and a curse. So much stress to maintain, to know you have to keep getting it. That's a lot. I think you get to a point where it's like, what did we do to obtain the three stars? What are we doing every day? The mentality has to switch to just be better every day on every little thing. Small details is what pushes the whole operation forward. And that's always been kind of my mentality anyways.

46:17It's like, we don't have to be great at everything, but we have to be great at something every single day, even a little bit. and that little bit will push us in that direction. And if we got the three stars doing what we were doing, we don't need to change much. Just continue doing great things. In ways, it's harder to maintain something that's great than it is to make something that's great. The fire burns out. There's more distraction at the top, right? There's a lot greater opportunities coming your way. There's more restaurant deals. Maybe there's TV, maybe there's books, maybe there's other things that pull you out of the kitchen.

46:48And that's something I'm experiencing within the last five years is I don't get to spend as much time in the kitchen as I really, really want to. That's my heart and soul is being in the kitchen. But I have all these other things that also need me to help grow the business and to expand and create other opportunities for my younger cooks that work for me. That's my responsibility now. This is a topic I can never get tired of. And I think it's very rare that people in life accomplish the exact thing they were set out to. And I just think the mindset of trying to get something versus trying not to lose something trying not to lose something that's just a very tricky and dangerous headspace mentally.

47:28And everyone roots for an underdog, but nobody roots for a top dog. So you go from being like, oh, this guy is so great. Have you ever heard of him? To like, oh, well, let's see how good it is. It starts shifting and that's tough. Yeah, it's much more fun to say like, do you hear about this great new chef at X, Y, or Z versus, he's been doing this for 15 years. I hope it's still as good as it was. Exactly. It's like a whole different animal. It's tough. The expectations are constant, at least in our business, at our level. Yeah, I was like, I'm watching you cook in some of these videos. For so many reasons, I'm like, oh, yeah, I could never do any of this.

48:04Like, first of all, you're so meticulous. Yeah. And I am not meticulous. Well, you are with, like, mechanics. Kenny, who you know when we work on stuff together, he's furious. My shit runs, but I didn't label all the hoses the way he did. Oh, sure. I want to be on the road. Whereas he's like very anal meticulous. You know, some people are built that way and some aren't. My dad was that way on all of the parts in the garage. He knew if we screwed with one tool in the toolbox. Well, he'd position his drumstick, make sure. Exactly. Exactly right. Yeah. Like, don't even look at it. Just like you can clean it.

48:38But he's the guy that says, go clean my motorcycle, but don't fucking touch it. Thank you. But yeah, you're just very meticulous and it's very tedious. Oh, yeah. The kind of food you're making. It is. And does that bleed over into your whole life? Is your wife like, oh my God, it doesn't matter how the bed's fucking made. Just throw the sheet up. No, I mean, my kitchen at home is pretty meticulous. You're not that way across the whole spectrum. No, I wish I was. It does require a level of perfectionism at that level of, I can't even call it cooking. That level of being a chef is so detailed. Like you said, the shaving of the thing.

49:16The main instrument I'm seeing is tweezers more than knives. It's crazy. It's so awesome. A lot of it is the team, too. I'll set a standard, obviously, with how I do things, but their job is to really exceed those standards. So the camaraderie between all of them and the fun playfulness of trying to be better against each other is what also takes it to the next level, which makes my game a little bit better every day, too. Okay, so you win the James Beard in 2016, and then you start Ever in 2020, and you've won two Michelin stars 2021, 2022, 2023. One thing I really liked about your kitchen and knowing your backstory, I'm not surprised, but your kitchen's dead quiet.

49:58Yeah. Ooh. That's like a big rule for you. For me, it is, yeah. I love silence. I love quietness. Is that novel to have it that quiet? Normally, like you said earlier, it's like screaming and yelling and fire and people yawning at each other and over-talking each other. For me, it needs to be that way because it demands a certain amount of attention to detail. Not a certain amount, a tremendous amount. So if I can take away all the distractions, such as the noise, the white noise particularly. Do you guys blend in a room off the kitchen? Yeah, blending stops. So once the front doors open, there's no more blender use.

50:31Actually, there's no prepping at all once the front doors open up. But the sound for me is nonverbal communication, especially during service time. Everybody knows what they're supposed to do. They know the next step. they can look at somebody and know exactly what's going to happen next. How are the employees flirting and stuff? They're nice. How are you going to fuck? I don't know. You can't talk. You can't flirt with each other. Sometimes that's fun. Okay. I see where you're going. You know, it's not so overt. Yeah. You really got to have a good nonverbal game, I guess. Yeah, maybe so. We just had a sex expert on teach us about a look.

51:04Yeah, the triangle look or something. Like a triangle or something. She hit Monica with it and she was powerful. It was intense. Yeah, it was intense. Yeah. I'm going to try that on my wife. Is there a dish that you're the most proud of? It could even be at home. I've been a guy who's always said, I don't want to be known for something. I don't want to be known for a particular dish. I don't want to be the guy that's serving the same dish 20 years from now. Oh, interesting. I force myself not to repeat dishes. I think that's the easy way of cooking is just fall back on something, you know, is a really solid dish.

51:35And then you start to execute it every day and fine tune it, fine tune it, fine tune it. And there's something great about that too. There's a lot of chefs out there that do that. And there's something magical about that as well. It's just really trying to perfect that dish. But I think it takes away the creative side and you hit that comfort mode, complacency mode. That's why I fear a lot of times with a tasting style menu with our cooks, it becomes a very mundane moment where it's like, all right, well, tonight, Dex, you're going to do 60 hamachi dishes. And then tomorrow, you're going to do 60 more.

52:05And then fast forward three months, you're still doing 60 a night. You hit a mode where it's like you're just going through the motions. The subconscious will take over at some point. Yeah, and it's not exciting for them anymore. But you really have to think about it. Like, that's the first time the guest is going to see that dish. Yeah, exactly. So it needs to be the same way tonight as it was four months ago. Well, that's the part I'd imagine if I were a regular customer of yours, I'd be pissed at you. Like, if Emily changes their cheeseburger, fuck you. Yeah, we're upset. Yeah, there's something about that, too.

52:36Do you have to hear the complaints of people? Yeah, so we have a crab dish, Alaskan king crab dish. It's a very beautiful dish. It was kind of in the moment for a Valentine's Day dinner at Avenue. So we're dating back 15 plus years. And then I took that dish and just started refining it into a place where it is today. But it is a crab dish. It's Alaskan king crab that has different elements of citrus, cucumber. But the way it sits is in a stemless martini glass without the stem. So it's a V tapered glass. And we build everything inside along the side so you can see through it. And we create this sugar twill on top of it.

53:15So it's a clear glass pane that sits on top. So it separates everything almost kind of like a lid to it. And then we're able to build very gently on top of that lid. So from the side view, it looks like all these elements on top are floating. Oh, wow. And it's become one of these dishes that people just like, is the crab dish on the menu? Right. No, because we can't get good crab right now. so we take it off. But you might put it back on at some point. Yeah, every once in a while, we'll make our debut again. Yeah. You will call us before that. Yeah, for sure. It's a very fun interactive dish and people love it.

53:47It's simple, it's clean, it's sweet, savory, salty. You got a little bit of spice from togarashi. It kind of hits everything on their palate. Yeah, you said your kink is having customers who come in who say, I don't like peas or I don't like this. And it's like, okay, well, let me see if you're going to like these. Yeah, because you don't have a choice. You're forced to eat what we serve and sorry you don't like peas, but ironically, Ironically, you love peas. Yeah. Turns out you do like peas. I love that experience. I've only been to a few of these restaurants, French Laundry being the most famous of those.

54:16And their most famous dish is diamonds and pearls or something. Yeah, oysters and pearls. Oysters and pearls. I'm like, I hate all those things. I hate everything that's on that. And it came and I was immediately furious that was the only one I was going to get to have. Oh, really? That's incredible. I hate these things. And I would eat six of those. I went to San Sebastian with some friends a couple years ago, and my friend's a big food guy. So we went to all these Michelin restaurants there because they have so many. And by the end of that trip, I was like, I can't eat food again. Like, I'm done eating food for two or three months.

54:49It was so intense and rich because they're experiences. You're not there to just eat food. You're there to take in the environment and they're putting on a show. How many days could you go to Disneyland in a row? or how many days could you see Taylor Swift in a row? Yes, or every amusement park. But it was such a cool experience. Yeah, San Sebastian's got the highest population of Michelin star restaurants. We've been there many times in phenomenal restaurants there. Do you find that you generally get on with other chefs? Yeah, our level, absolutely. I just had a great meal last night at Vespertine here in Culver City.

55:23Jordan used to be a chef with us at Alinea. So it's so nice to see these young guys that work beside or underneath you go on to do amazing things. His restaurant, Vespertine, he also has Destroyer, which is right across the street. Great experience. It's incredibly forward-thinking food and looks at food and art a different way. How do you think your sous chefs and the people under you, how would they describe you? Intense, very demanding, fair, psychotic a little bit. That's fair. I think it's fair. I think you have to be a little crazy to want something great. and it only comes from a place that I want greatness for them too.

56:03I want them to leave any of my establishments that they're working for me and know that they got the best knowledge from me or from anybody else that was working there. I want them to go on and do great things. That's all I want. That's where I'm at in my career. It's not so much about me anymore. It's about creating either restaurants with the guys that work for me or creating opportunities for them because I think that's more satisfying for me right now. I cannot help but see the parallel between fine dining and art to some degree. A good deal of art's driven by the story of the artist. It's definitely part of the appeal.

56:37Are you sometimes seeing a very popular chef and then you eat at the restaurant and you're like, this is bullshit. He's just an interesting dude or she's an interesting. Yeah. Does that exist in this new world of tons of famous chefs? Absolutely. There's plenty of chefs out there that are more interesting than the food that they're serving or the restaurants that they operate. Yeah. How does The Bear, the show, tie into all this? A lot of people will say that The Bear was storied after my life. Inspired by? It is not. I'm there to say it for the 12 ,000th time. At least they never said that to me, so I can't own it.

57:13I think there's a lot of similarities. The irony that the guy's name is Bear and he's a chef. Maybe that's how a lot of people make that connection with my father and me. And so the story line, the Chicago, yeah. There's a lot of pieces. If you really wanted to go down that road of connecting the dots, sure, there's some dots that you can connect. Were you consulted when they were formulating the show? I consulted with them a lot. I did a lot of their food for some of the seasons. The Forks season, shot in the restaurant. They spent a couple weeks with us in the restaurant, both restaurants. It's been an incredible experience.

57:45I mean, everybody working there has been top-notch from the actors all the way to the cameramen and people setting up. They're all incredible people. In the very beginning, I spent a lot of time just teaching people how to canal ice cream. Oh, I've tried to do it. I can't do it. And just there's a certain touch to certain things that if it's not done right, it comes off like bullshit. Yeah, exactly. Him excluded, what's the best cooking by an actor you've seen? There's also not that many. There's a good amount. Bradley Cooper in that movie. Oh, yeah, that's actually a good one. I love that movie.

58:17Favreau and Chow. Oh, yeah, but he cooks. He's, like, really into cooking. Well, let's hear from the pro. Yeah, I think Bradley Cooper was a great one. Was it Burn, right? Yeah, Burn, yeah. I love that movie. Well, and Kitchen Confidential. Did you read that book? I did. Yeah, I did, too. I loved it, but I'm an addict, so I like any addict memoir. But he was the first guy who didn't sugarcoat anything, and I love that. He was very blunt, And that time for me was like, yeah, that is exactly what is happening in our world right now. That's what I've been surrounded by. The drugs and the alcohol and the promiscuous shit that goes on behind the scenes when all the lights are off.

58:53Yeah, very appealing. Your favorite. My favorite. Yeah, yeah. I guess my last question is what motivated you to write the book? I love it. By the way, it's very Kitchen Covenant. Like it reads as like you're going to read a book about the Hell's Angels. Like it's not a lofty French cooking. It's my kind of book. immediately. What prompted you to write it? 2016, we released a documentary called For Grace. It was a documentary about building the restaurant and building grace for grace. And that's kind of where I let my guard down for the first time in my world with my parents. Not a lot of people, even close people around me didn't really know the story of my parents.

59:31I was super embarrassed by it. I was embarrassed that my father did that to the family. And I think at that time, I was also So looking at it like he was a coward, I didn't really process a lot of it at that point. They caught me in a very vulnerable time filming that documentary. They spent hours and hours with me every single day for months on end. And it was at the end of a workday. We got back to the house and the cameras were still going. And we just started talking about my parents somehow got on the subject. I told them the whole story of what happened. And they got all that on camera. Yeah.

1:00:05And then they left. And then I realized the next day they had drove to Ohio to get actual footage from the TV studio. Because they're like, we have a story now. Yeah. So that was released in 2016 on Netflix. Spent a few years on there. Did you feel a lightning of your spirit having that finally out and realizing people didn't look at you as a piece of shit, but rather a strong survivor? Did any of that happen? You know, it reached people that I never thought it would reach before. We saw an influx in the restaurant of just teachers coming through because of Ruth Snyder and how much she was a huge part of my life and how she helped me navigate through a lot of things.

1:00:45And teacher side of it was just huge. And any teacher would come through the restaurant, we'd give a free meal to and just take care of them because it was so special. It was pretty amazing to watch that moment. But that documentary, it just skimmed the surface of who I was and where I really come from. I decided one day that I just wanted to let it all out. I needed to just get it the hell off my chest, everything that I could remember and get it on paper. And I asked my good friend Jeremy if he would be interested in writing the book for me because he had already written a few other books that were published and I know he's an incredible writer.

1:01:22And he said, absolutely. And I said, okay, I got one thing for you. And he's like, I got one thing for you. And I said, okay, what? And he says, it has to be brutally honest. I'm like, dude, that's exactly what I said. That's exactly what I want. I said, it has to be brutally honest. It can't be sugarcoated. I don't want a fluff piece. I need it to be real. I need a platform that I can emotionally let out my stories so I can be done with it. So it was very, very, very therapeutic for me to get these demons off my chest and onto the paper. Did you feel reluctant to have children knowing sometimes these things are past?

1:01:58You said like your dad had a bad dad. And I feel like that would scare me. You're right. It does. It did. I was worried about having that continuization of that type of behavior. I was scared to have kids in the beginning, but I couldn't even imagine doing what was done to me, to anyone around me, any person, especially my two daughters or my two step children. I couldn't even imagine like laying a finger. I mean, I get emotional yelling at them when I have to yell at them. And that's maybe once a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like the biggest sissy. Well, that's kind of nice then. Then you broke that cycle.

1:02:31Exactly. Yeah, it's very important that I was able to do that. Well, the book is aptly named Fireproof, Memoir of a Chef. I think it's great, man. You guys knocked it out of the park. It's so interesting. Thank you. It's a page turner. Curtis, this has been a delight. I really hope I get to eat. I'm dying to. We're going to exploit this relationship if we're in Chicago next time. Yeah, well, I'd love to have you guys come to the restaurant when you get there next. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love to have you. Wonderful. Oh, yeah. After watching those videos, I'm like, oh, I got a trial. There's just fucking smoke pouring out of things and steam.

1:03:02I know. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun. It's incredible. Well, congrats on a great book. Thank you. And the many awards. And I'm glad that you found your way through it all in such an amazing way. It's been great. All right. Take care. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:03:25Hi there, this is Hermi and Hermi and if you like that you're gonna love the fact check with Miss Monica you have um let me turn powder yeah powder rub it in a little bit right here just rub it in yeah when i hit my face with the brush it exploded i had put too much on you can keep it that'll happen we've heard these stories of david crusoe i've heard these incredible stories for people but people have worked on set with him do you know what i'm talking about not really He was on one of these CSIs or one of these procedurals, you know, and he famously wore sunglasses. Yes. I mean, I know of him.

1:04:05I know the lore. You know the lore. And, like, we all know the fun stuff. But I definitely worry about some reputable people that have either been actors who come from the show or also crew members. And the one I found to be, I just hope it's true, which is so incredible, is that, well, I heard he would rewrite his side of the scene but not the other side. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, like, the actor, the day player rarely, the stuff didn't even make sense anymore. That's tough. And then he would self-edit. And I guess he had the glasses on. And he would, like, let's say his line was like, no, the results just came back in.

1:04:45And it's negative. He would not, like, one part of it. And then he'd go, results in negative. And he'd go, boom. And he'd look down one of the cameras and go, boom. Oh. It's telling them that's the take. Oh. So he was kind of self-directing and editing, and he would just hit chunks. Oh. This is what I heard. Look, he knew his biz. He knew his show. I'm so sad I didn't ever get to just be on set and watch it all. Yeah, that sounds fun. You can't argue with the results. It was a huge hit, and everyone loved it. Exactly. It's too bad he missed meta AI glasses because he could have been, like, he could have done a lot.

1:05:24Directing the whole show, maybe. Yeah, and he could just touch one side. and that would mean something and then the other side would mean something. Yeah, he could probably edit real time. You'd just be cutting right now. Yeah, I would. I'd just be holding it and like, just like you didn't even notice, right? I just did it again. No, I would know. You must admit I know exactly when you're editing in your head because I'm going to catch you every time. You catch me every other time. Okay. Well, because I'm also paying attention to the guests pretty hard. But if I were to only watch you, I would know exactly when you're editing.

1:05:51In this case, if it's just us two, we'll practice, okay? So throughout this practice. I watched this great doc about the turning point of the, it's happening. No, it's not. Yes, yes, yes. No, it's not. I knew you were trying to trick me, and so I didn't do it. I didn't edit it. You used your ear as the clicker to edit. You had a story you were going to tell me that you didn't tell me on the last fact check. Yes. This is a gross fact check, okay? Because we have two gross things. Trying to meet you there. To talk about. You sent me a article that Topo Chico, a brand we love. Oh, I sent that to you?

1:06:30Yeah, you did. Okay, great. Because today I was like, I got to bring that up to you. Yeah. Trusted brand. We love Topo Chico. Yeah, we love. Yeah. Still do. I don't care what they say. Same. I do too. But there, I guess, was a recall. And we've been drinking it. And I had a tummy bug. Oh, you went to there. Yeah. Of course I did. Like, oh, I probably, and guess who else I'm worried had some. Who? Brad Pitt. I should ask him if he's had an ass. We maybe gave him a tummy bug. It's kind of cute. It's kind of cool. By the way, that would be a plant for you and your sickness where you made him sick.

1:07:09Oh, my God. Yeah. This is where we find out your moon child is poisoning us. I haven't crossed the line. But that was, you would call that a happy accident? Yeah. If he had Hannes? Like, he can't really make it home, so I have to help him home. Yeah. And he's stuck at my house. How would you help him home? Well, I get him in my car. Okay, he can't drive. With a baggie, with a bag. His Hannes is so bad he can't drive. Yeah. Ideally, it's coming out both ends. Yeah.

1:07:42Anyway, I still have Hannes, so. You still have it? Yeah, it was gone for a day, but it's back. It's interesting. I saw that recall. I sent it to you. And I have since drank Topo Chico. Rob, did we get ours from Costco? Because I want to say Costco was in that article. No, Lazy Acres. I've been drinking like two or three a day the last two months. And no Honest? No, I've been fine. Okay, we should just be checking in with Rob, I guess. No, because it could be like some are rancid. I doubt every single one is. We're drinking from the same package. Yeah, but it could be each bottle. I'm still going to drink it.

1:08:18Isn't that wild? Wow. I am too. Yeah. I guess you guys want me to take you home. That's what it seems like. Drive us home. Get you home. I can't imagine turning over the wheel. What? That's more crazy to me than, although we've driven in the car where you drive and I like it. You've let me drive you. Yeah, yeah, I like it. But I like it because I decide I like it. You know what I'm saying? It's unnatural for me. and I decide to enjoy the notion that we might get in an accident. No. Well, that's what I do. I just go, well, that'll be fun. We'll survive in these accidents around time. Do you think I'm a bad driver?

1:08:54No, not at all. Okay. I'm just such a control freak. I hate not having control of the car. Yeah. I mean, look, let's just say this. I think my story is I avoid several accidents a month that I tell myself, your average person wouldn't have found their way out of that. Yeah. So I don't even have to be a bad driver. I just go like, will they be able to get out of this weird situation where there's an oncoming car? But you have to quickly go, it's okay to drive on the grass at this point because that's less bad than a head-on. It's so funny because the reason you are avoiding accidents is because of the way you drive.

1:09:27That's part of it. You drive wildly. Yeah. So then there's almost accidents and then you get out of it. Yeah. I knock on wood. Be careful, though, because be careful what you're saying because I got a really cryptic. email. I shouldn't say this, but it's been in my head since he sent it. What happened? Someone on our business manager team sent a random email to me and saying like, hey, we're renewing all your insurance on your cars. They will go through your social media. Oh. And I'm like, oh, he's telling me. I have like one video of Aaron and I, not even going that fast. We're on Los Feliz Boulevard.

1:10:07we go first through third gear in the Z-Wagon. Are they going to go through the podcast? Can they do that? I don't know. But I was like, oh, my God. Wait, I've only. Look, I've had one accident in 30 years of living in L.A. I feel like I'm a pretty good bet. Yeah. I got zero tickets for the last. I have no speeding ticket. Like, my record is nice. Yeah. And he sent me this. And I was like, he's telling me the truth. Yeah. No, it's good. He's telling you. But it really made me mad. At him? I felt like I was in trouble. He's telling you so you can clean up some stuff on there. I know, but I don't know why.

1:10:43It's funny. I keep thinking about reading the email and it makes me angry. And then I'm like, why? What is, why am I angry about this? I know why. It feels like a teacher called me. What? Like, don't have. No, you got caught. You feel like you got caught and you don't like it. And no one likes getting caught. Yeah, maybe it's like, I want to have all things be true. You think I'm, well, I am a very safe driver, a very good record, and I want you to ignore my fun I'm having on Top Gear and on my Instagram. But it's not his fault. No, I know. No, he's a blessing. Yeah. But I'm mad at him. Oh, no.

1:11:21Because I felt like he was shaming me about my Instagram. Oh, my God. This is wild. No, none of it makes sense. But I'm just being honest with you that I keep thinking about it, and then I go, why are you thinking about this over and over again? Like, what's actually been triggered? And I still haven't figured that out. But something deep has been activated. Well, I do think I think you feel you got caught. You feel judged. And my shame of having had the accident. I think I'm still dealing with the shame of having that accident. That was a long time ago. I know. It was like four years ago, but he brought it up in the email.

1:11:53Oh, we did? I was kind of like, that was three years ago. Okay. Maybe he's trying to help you get over. He's trying to help you get over your identity marker of being a good driver. He's trying to help me have good rates, which is what he's there to do. And I'm very appreciative of it and I'm mad at him. And I don't know why because I know he doesn't deserve it. I love him. And we even have cars in common. Like when I get a new car, he's the only one there that's excited. He's like, oh, that's a cool year. Oh, man. And then he sent me this email. Shame me. He's going to come off your team now.

1:12:25No, no, no, no. He's looking out for me, but it's funny how much it's bothered me. You know, like when you read a comment and it sticks around way too long in your head. Yeah, this is wild. It is. Although that's funny because I also have a comment that is in my head that I can't get out. Yeah. That also doesn't make much sense of why it's like bothering me so much. Yeah. I just think people are like, really? There's certain areas where we're so fragile. We're sensitive. We are. We're really sensitive. And I do think the common thread, maybe in both, is judgment. Like, I feel judged by this comment.

1:13:05Yeah, yeah. And I think you feel judged by yours. Yeah, that I'm like reckless and irresponsible. Even though Jacob is only trying to protect you. I couldn't be clear about that. We're dead clear on his intentions and the goodwill he wishes for me. And he's doing the right thing. Yeah. And still I didn't. I felt like I got slapped on the wrist. Zach, sometimes we all do make mistakes. But you don't think it's a mistake. No, me getting in an accident was a mistake. Okay, no, an accident. He's telling you don't talk about doing illegal stuff. That's what he's saying. And literally we just did it on the fact check, like tomorrow's fact check.

1:13:47And Aaron talked about doing some illegal stuff. Well, we wanted to. No, but then you raced that guy. Oh, that was all in the speed limit. I was thinking about, Jacob, when that was happening, and I was really mad that that was in my mind. Well, it needs to be. I've been having fun in cars since I was 16. That's the name of the game. Why don't you do this then? Just come to terms with the fact that your insurance is going to be astronomical. You're right. That's the solution, and I've been working towards that, but it's hard. Okay. Yeah. Wow. All right. I want to talk about pinworms. Okay, great.

1:14:23Right. What's your favorite topic? Would you want to nurse a boy back to health who is suffering from pinworms? Okay. I think I'll draw the line there. That's where it ends. People don't know about pinworms. They're tiny bugs in your butthole. They'd be better. They'd be more accurately called shitworms. We were just discussing them in the house a couple days ago. They're in your butt. They're in your poop. They come out your butt into your poop. They make it itchy. Yeah. They make your butt itch a lot. And then you have to take them out. there are insects in the doodot. I find it so horrific.

1:14:57And when the kids were little, your kids, they got it a couple of times. So we all had to take the medicine. The preschool. Yeah. I think it's a preschool thing. It's like every few months there's a pinworm outbreak. All these kids are eating their butts and their fingers. Oh my God, it's so horrible. But you just drink this like chalky powder basically and it's kind of done. So we've done that a few times in the past and I thought those days were over. Oh. You haven't heard this? No. They're back in our rotation. Someone in our circle has pinworms. She said I could talk about it. Oh, who? But I feel unethical.

1:15:42Oh. Anna. Oh, okay. Where has she been? Exactly. Preschool? For me, it would be like the Tapachiko. I know she's infected. I'll still hang with her. Yeah, that's what it is. But also every 10 minutes or so, I think about them. They don't bother me like they bother you. I know. I wonder. I don't think I've ever had them, even though my family's had them and I've drank that liquid. Yeah. I don't have any memory of a scratchy. Well, Aaron and I were laughing about it because when we were talking about pinworms, We were like, if the symptoms scratchy anus, how on earth would either of us think there's something new going on?

1:16:19What if you— And also if that's the outcome, like, yeah, that's standard. You have a scratchy anus. Never, never. What if you guys— Your anus is never itchy? I mean, no. What a gift. What does it mean? Mine is like moist? No, I think clean, I would imagine. Oh, you're itching because it's dirty? No, because I'm cleaning like crazy. In fact, Eric and I just had a sidebar about, we don't think people are being honest who have bidet toilets. Oh, I don't have one. Right. And we're not saying people are not honest about owning one or not owning one. But when they own one and they can spray the water on their butthole, do they not use their finger to clean their butthole?

1:16:55Oh. Which is a polarizing topic. It is. And Eric and I are like, you use your finger to clean your butthole in the shower. I don't. How are you cleaning your butthole? I'm so nervous about your butthole. If you're not cleaning it in a bidet or you're not cleaning it in the shower. Of course I'm cleaning it, but I'm not sticking my finger up my butt. No one's asking you to put your finger in your butt. What are you asking? You're cleaning your anus. Oh, the outside. Yes, of course. With your fingers. With soap and fingers. But often I use— When people go like, no, I use soap as if that's a great thing.

1:17:25Oh, great. So now your soap has your asshole on it, and then you're rubbing your soap on your face. Soap is self-cleaning, and you don't use your butt soap for your face. It's not more sanitary. When people think they're saying that is like a virtue that they use their bar of soap, I'm like, great. Then you have shit on your bar of soap. No, you don't. Ew. Why isn't you have so much shit everywhere? The water cleans the shit off for the most part. If you wipe with your fingers, it needs friction. Why? Is your butthole like so high up or something? Like I feel like the water is mostly cleaning it.

1:17:54And then you use the bar. You think just the water that triggers rolls past your anus is cleaning it? You already said it. You use a bar of soap in your fingers. Right. But mainly the bar of soap is the main instrument. And then once it's clean, then I put it on my face. I use soap on my hands and just do like a little extra. Yeah, your hands on your butthole in the shower. Yes, everyone and everyone should. But I thought you meant up your butt. And the bidet is up your butt, right? No, it's cleaning the outside of your anus. Oh, okay. Unless you're somehow dilating your butthole and letting it all spray up there, which would be the dream.

1:18:37That would be the dream. Yeah. And I have some success in that realm. But at any rate, it's really funny. People are like, oh, gross. You use your finger with the bidet and say, I don't get it. You use your finger in the shower and then you wash your hand after. What are we talking about? This is pageantry. I have a question about the bidet. So are you wiping first with your tissue? You're not. Of course not. Why? Because why would you want to take dry paper and smear in dry poop and just rub it into your skin and then add water? No, you spray the water. The debris is freed. Then you go with the finger and really clean.

1:19:13Then more rinsing. Then toilet paper for drying. And there's nothing. I'm telling you this. There's nothing on the toilet paper. When I wipe my fanny. Yeah, same. No. Yes. If you're not using water, are you saying there's not poop on your toilet paper? No, no, sorry. By the time I'm done. With what? Wiping. By the time I'm done wiping, there's no poop. Oh, my God. Of course. But with the bidet, if you do the rinse first and a cleanse with your finger, when you wipe, it's spotless. Okay, that's fine. And then you're just looking at, like, virgin clean toilet paper. Okay, but you are making a harness.

1:19:55So you have like poop particles on your butt after you've pooped. And then you're putting water on that poop immediately. Spraying it. And then it falls down into the toilet. Drips. Yeah. And then it's still going to be on there a little bit. No, it's not. You get in there and you clean with your finger. So you're getting poop on your hands for sure, right? No. Because I've sprayed the debris. Now I'm cleansing with my finger, my anus. And then I'm grabbing tissue and drying all off. And then I wash my hands and I'm spotless. And I've not wiped my butt 300 times till it's bleeding as I do when I'm not on a bidet.

1:20:34Oh, my God. Anyways. Okay. My butt doesn't itch. Okay. And yours does. Occasionally. And Erin's more. What if you guys are the ones that have had pinworms this whole time and just itch? You would like that, wouldn't you? No, I don't. I don't. I draw the line of pinworms. I don't like bugs. No, I'm saying you would like if we were guilty of spreading that. Oh, yeah. Well, it just makes the most sense, really. I couldn't even have pinworms. They'd drown because I'm flushing that area with water. That's not how they work. Apparently, they don't like light, and that's it. And that chalky substance.

1:21:14Well, I wonder if you could put a LED light bulb in your butt. But they go up. So Kristen knows a lot about pinworms. Yeah, she's spoken in the press a lot about it. I applaud her willingness because she'll talk about her own pinworms a lot freely. God, yeah. She was educating Anna about the pinworms, and she said the way to find them is you have your kid bend over, spread their butt out, and then in the dark. And then all of a sudden you turn on the light super quickly, and then you have to, like, get it, get it. Get it? Yeah, use some sort of thing to get up. She keeps calling it the mother.

1:21:59That sounds like the Scobie or whatever. I know. It sounds like from apple cider vinegar because it does have a mother. Yeah, or kombucha. Yeah. I don't know about the retrieval and everything. I don't know if she's embellishing, but we generally give them the drink and then it's over. No, she uses like some sort of thing to get the mother out according to her. Oh, wow. Okay. I told you this. that's the mother wait that's just Dune that is a pinworm though that is disgusting anyway I just really there's so many gross things in the world Topo Chico no don't say it please don't say it's gross pinworm no no no don't exclude Topo Chico alright well those were my main Do you want to make it cute again and talk about Aaron and Delta and you riding your motorcycles?

1:22:56I mean, just what a time we had. We went out on the electric motorcycles, and we really, really explored. We got into Griffith Park. We got onto some closed roads. Just watching my little one negotiate mountain turns with cliffs on the side with total confidence. Yeah. It's just so fun. We had so much fun. That's great. Yeah. We'd make the best husbands, like if we had a little girl. Sure. It's a great little team. That's cute. Yeah. Now, would you rather have pinworms forever? Okay. And as you said, you don't actually think you've had them. Or great insurance rates. And neither do I. but apparently it's really like itchy yeah and really bad are you scoping is Ana in her butt every five seconds scratch scratch scratch she said it she thought she had cancer oh my god wow extreme that's why this happened she was looking really upset yeah and then she said I have to talk to someone about this I'm really worried yeah my butt is so itchy oh wow and then Carly said Oh, you have pinworms.

1:24:16I guess I don't. I don't think I've had it then. Exactly. The way she was saying it, it felt extreme. Yeah. And she probably said, oh, you have pinworms. And she was like, are you sure? Like, I'm worried it's something serious. And she was like, I think I really, I feel like I woke up today and I was like, I definitely have cancer. I need to talk to an adult about this. And then she took the medicine and it's been fine ever since. Okay, would you rather have pinworms or penis worms? How do penis worms work? I guess let's just say they work the same. They're worms coming out of my penis. Those aren't real, are they?

1:24:52Then definitely my butt. Yeah, that's a good answer. Or like crabs. Crabs? Yeah, isn't that the same thing? That's a venereal disease. Yeah, that's itchy, but it's your... I've never had it, shockingly. Yeah. I'm going to be honest. It's shocking how little diseases I got. I deserved a lot more. Yeah. I have a very close friend who got them when we were in our 20s, and it was insane. He showed me his mom's pubis. It was just like a quadrillion mosquito bites. It looked insane. It looked terrible. You weren't afraid of getting close? Well, he'd already shaved his pubic hair and applied the cream and everything.

1:25:36But it was major. Are crabs scabies or no? They're separate. I think they're separate, but scabies is also a thing. And that's got the worst name ever. I have a scabies story, but I don't know. I don't think I'm allowed to share it. It's not me, so I don't think I can. Yeah, but you know someone that had scabies? Yes, and... My father's girlfriend had scabies. Maybe he gave them to her. I don't know. He's passed. Maybe we should put that on him. Okay. But I know there was a scabies outbreak in my father's bedroom when I lived with him. And I remember being nervous that I knew scabies were in the house.

1:26:13Yes. See, it is nerve wracking. I knew scabies were in the house. You could have for real gotten it. Fucking who named them scabies? I know, but it's an onomatopoeia. Like they sound exactly like I think what they are. Anyway, would you rather have scabies slash crabs or pinworms? Pinworm, for sure. Okay. Well, with no, there's no medicine. The thing with pinworm is you drink this thing. They all live inside your body and you shit out a bunch of dead pinworms and it's over. Scabies and crabbies and dingies and chomp chomps. Stop. They all, I think, can live on your sheets and in your carpet. So do the pinworms, though.

1:26:50They're in your carpet. That's why you have to bleach it all and stuff. I don't even have carpet, but continue. Anyway, wait. The would you rather is there's no medicine. So these are permanent conditions. Oh, pinworms. For sure. Scabies. Yeah, I know. I know. Same. Yeah. Okay. I hope we get a scabies medication sponsor because obviously we are against scabies. And pinworms. And pinworms. Pinworm medication. Yeah. And I think we're bringing awareness to pinworms, which is good. If you have suspiciously itchy anus. Well, that's what Ana said. She said, people need to be talking about it. They call it SIA in the medical world.

1:27:26Spreading information awareness. Suspiciously itchy anus. The patient has SIA. The patient is SIA. Yeah. that's like maybe on season two of the pit whole thing um all right well that was disgusting that was it was unnecessary can you without saying which ones yeah say the number of stis you've had for awareness i think one oh wow that's not a lot at all yeah what's it AIDS. You go without saying which one and then you're like which one? Was it gonorrhea? I'll tell you that if I was your age it wouldn't have been an issue because there's a vaccine. HPV? HPV. Human pap. HPV's scary. I'm not even sure I had it.

1:28:21It's too messy of a story but I got a call from a girlfriend saying she had it and then I... What'd you do? I don't remember. Did you get checked? Yeah, yeah, I got checked. A ton of people have HPV. It's very common. Oh, they say like 80 % of the sexually active public has it. And then it even went further, which is they started having cases where there was no sexual activity. So like, oh, this is being spread without sexual activity. Yeah, HPV is like common cold. It's rampant. But there's a vaccine. Yes. You had it, right? I had the vaccine. And Kristen had it. Did you have it, Rob? I think so, yeah.

1:28:55Okay. Kristen had it? Had the vaccine. Really? Yeah. that's the five-year gap. Like that came out when, you know, that was the crucial gap. I got the vaccine early. It was really early. Almost in a sense of like, is it too early? Is it tested enough? But I got it. Yeah, I wonder if these people that are anti-vaccine still get the HPV vaccine. Because there's a lot of times where the rubber meets the rubber. We all are contradictions. I don't think this is unique to vaxxers. But certainly there's ones that they must make exceptions for. Like, yeah, I don't want fucking HPV. I'll get that. But they're like not getting measles.

1:29:33Oh, I guess because they think it's not an issue. Yeah, it's such a lower percentage. Right. Yeah. Well, I think if you can get that vaccine, let's do it, y 'all. I want everyone. I don't want shingles. I know. I don't want anything. I don't either. Another onomatopoeia. Shingles. Shingles, yeah. Okay, let's do some facts. Let's do some facts. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:30:09Facts for Curtis. Facts for Curtis. What a life story. Yes. To bring up to speed Aaron, his father killed his mother and then killed himself. Holy shit. Yeah. That seems very when we were growing up. Yes. Yeah. And he's our age. Okay. There you have it. I can't wait to get to that Michelin star in Chicago. This son of a bitch got three stars three years in a row or something crazy. No, he's like one of the most decorated American chefs. And they say Bear's a little bit based on the Bear. Okay. But he says no, buddy. He says no, but I believe them. I don't believe them. Yeah, I don't either. I don't believe them.

1:30:56First fact, we don't believe them. I'm going to inform you guys a little bit. Okay. So one of my facts is current restaurants with three Michelin stars. Okay? In the U.S. I'm going to do in the U.S. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay? Atelier Crenn, that's in San Francisco. Triggering. Atelier. You can't be triggered. I am. We can't use that word, but go ahead. Atelier, what was it called? You can use it for a three Michelin star restaurant. Atelier Crenn, San Francisco. Known for its contemporary American cuisine and innovative tasting menus. Now, French Laundry. Lovely. Yonville, California. Haven't been.

1:31:41I've been. You've been. It is a worthwhile experience. Is it wine country? Yeah. It's in wine country. Yeah. It's so good. And you eat for like three hours. and you're so full, but you keep going. Yeah, that's how most of these restaurants are. It's like tasting menus. You go, you don't pick what you're eating and you're there for hours and hours and hours. Okay, 11 Madison Park, New York City. That's a big one. There's like a book on, I think the chef or somebody wrote a book about that restaurant. Masa, also in New York. That's Japanese. La Bernadette, New York. very, very trusted brand. Very trusted brand, yes.

1:32:24The Inn at Little Washington. That's in Washington, Virginia. Historic Inn. American Cuisine. That sounds like our alley, up our alley. Nice porridge. I immediately was like, I don't think you're going to be getting porridge. I think there's a really robust and hearty stew. Right. And a real nice thick piece of bread. Yeah. Yeah. party you guys go and you report back what was on the menu warm mug of hot cocoa okay Smith that's S-M-Y-T-H Chicago Alinea Chicago I'm gonna say Youngsik that's a Korean restaurant New York City or it might be Jungsik probably Young Yeah, I think so. And then we have single thread, Healdsburg, California.

1:33:21What's your favorite restaurant, Aaron, of all time?

1:33:28That's hard. Like, are we talking real good food? Like, I don't know. What's just your favorite? Yeah, your favorite. It doesn't have to be best food. Yeah, I mean, I think Lafayette Coney Island is my favorite. That's great. That's a great answer. I was almost going to guess that for you, and that might be mine too. I understand. I was a little disappointed. They shut down for a second time recently. They have so many rats. These rats are just— It's their favorite restaurant, too. Yeah, they love that restaurant. And the poor restaurant next door has to make pleas that the rats aren't there. They're like, you can still come here.

1:34:11And everyone's like, I'm not going anywhere near that. Some of these videos of the rats are kind of insane. The rats are like, looks like they're mixing the coney sauce. Like they're in the action. Oh, like a ratatouille. And they're not shy. Like one jumped like on a table, right on someone's table. And then they went into the trash can. There's videos of that. They're like coming in and out of the trash. Yeah. I mean. What are they going to do? I mean, so they're open now. By the way, I don't care. I don't either. It doesn't face me. I mean, I hate why I said I hate it is because they were closed.

1:34:54Last time I was like attempting to go in. I was like, fuck. You don't be crazy. They just had like a liability waiver. You sign. It's like, I don't give a fuck that there's rats and like, stop even trying to kill them. Let's just deal with the rats. You just got to wear like leather boots when you go. You know, it's always been going on. It's just the city is getting a little too hoity-toity for their own good. Now it's like you can't have a bunch of rats running around. Oh, now there's people down here. Right. Yeah. The only thing is the droppings kind of look like. Coney sauce? Yeah. So you wouldn't be able to tell.

1:35:39And they do spread a lot of diseases. They do. They do. They're cute. It'd be great if you went to grab, because you get a little tray and you've ordered a few. It'd be great if you, like, went to grab your coney and the rat had it. You were in, like, a tug of war with the rat. Or you ate it like Lady and the Tramp with the rat. You became great friends with one of the rats. All right. Well, that's three Michelin stars for the United States currently. Okay. So that's not a long list. No. I think, you know, I don't think Michigan at all has a Michelin restaurant. No. Maybe they have a one-star Michelin.

1:36:14Not even. Not even. We'll save that for the next fact. Well, while they have to clean up that infestation, they might get a shirt. Now, it's good you're here. Really good you're here. Because J2C comes up. Because Curtis is a J2C. No doubt. Yes. July 2nd. He's July 2nd. Yeah. Shit. That's coming real soon. He shares with Karen. And he had an internal sweetness that was very J2C. Yeah. Wait, Aaron, you're July, yeah. Yeah. He's going to be 50 in five seconds. Oh, yeah. I'm 50. How do you feel? You're not kicking us, Rich. I'm 50 years old. Wait, you're going to be 50 in next month? Yeah. Wait, so then you are exactly Curtis's age.

1:37:01You guys were born on the exact same day. Oh, he's going to be 50. Yeah. Oh, how about that? So we're both exactly six months younger than dad here. Yeah. Yes. He could be Curtis's dad, too. I wanted to be. Oh, my gosh. How do you feel? What are you going to do? Well, I'm going to take a little ride down to Nashville, Tennessee and celebrate with my fellow J2C. Nice. Nice. Maybe I'll make you a stake in the woods. Yeah, well, you sure didn't get one from me. That's my fault. I was down in Mexico throwing up violently. That's rights itself. Love it. Maybe some donuts and the Corvette, some boat rides.

1:37:50I mean, come on. Yeah. You only turn 50 once. That's right. If you're lucky. You could turn 150 once we have those drugs. Well, that's coming soon. I'm most excited about the dog drugs that are coming. I know YouTube probably aren't as into it. What is it? They're going to keep dogs alive now. Forever. Yeah, for a long time. That's my nightmare. That is your nightmare. I literally was just thinking this morning, like, what's going to happen when they go away to school and I'm trying to be in Nashville and Kristen's in New York City. Those dogs are probably and they're still going to be alive. Do you think they are in nine years?

1:38:42Yeah. Really? Yeah. Whiskey is unfortunately quite young. He is aging in reverse. He's like seven. That's an old dog. He's going to go until 18 or 19 because he's so tiny and angry. Yeah. I might. So, yeah. So, we'll all be 150. You'll still have frank and whiskey. Oh, God. Maybe I won't take the medicine if they're going to go the distance. Wow. Okay, so there's a drug that's going to keep them alive for how much longer? Not forever, but it's close to it. Like an adult lifespan? Yeah, it sounds like it. What? It's like that they're going to have it start seeing it on the market next year. That would be just like Americans to have a pill for our dogs to keep them alive forever.

1:39:38And then we're dying. Yeah, exactly. Because I think when you're in the rest of the world and you see like we had, I don't want to shame anyone because actually we met her and she was a lovely woman. But we were delivering food two days ago. There's a dog restaurant. We went to a dog restaurant so the dog could get delivery food. It was called the Pest-erant. Oh, wait, not Pest-erant. Yeah, Pest-erant. Pest-erant. Pest-erant? It's wrong. Pest-erant? Yeah, when we got it, we were like, could this possibly? Well, it would have to be a restaurant for pets because no one would eat at a restaurant called Pest-erant.

1:40:12No, not me. And sure enough, it was a huge smorgasbord for this dog. It was a humongous bag of, I thought it was ice cream when I went in and grabbed it. Because it was like, it was really cold, the bag. And I go, is this? And there was like a dozen containers. Yeah. I go, is this ice cream for the dog? Are these doggy blizzards? They're like, no, it's not ice cream, but it is food. And I was like. Weird. Oh, my God. Yeah, but if you're like in a country and you're starving and you hear that dogs in America have food delivery, whatever they're in the mood for. Yeah. It's pretty wild. And now that our dogs are going to live longer than us.

1:40:52Oh. Yeah, take that with a grain of salt of where I get my pets from. Yeah. Your feed. That might have been a dream. That's your algorithm. Different than mine. Okay. Now, because of the birthdays, I wanted to look up most popular birthdays. We do this once in a while. We do. And I think it's not always the same. It's always end of August, right? September 9th. September 9th is the most common birthday, according to AI. Makes so much sense. When the coitus takes place? Yeah, you're at Christmas. And you're like, we want a family next Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, it does make sense. Yeah, we got September 9th, September 19th, September 12th, September 17th, September 10th, July 7th, September 20th, September 15th, basically all of September.

1:41:49to your point. I know the most August. I'm shocked. Well, that's okay. Now it says, what is the most common birth month? Despite the fact that September is so heavily represented in the top 10 most common birthdays, there are actually more births reported in August. Oh, thank God. All but one August birthday made the list of 100 most common birthdays, the exception being August 3rd, which lands 116. If you do the math, the conception time for August babies lines up with the approach of cooler weather and the holidays, maybe making cuddling up extra appealing. Oh. This is from happiestbaby.com.

1:42:27Oh, February 29th. My daughter has that. Your daughter has the least common birthday. Yeah. Not surprisingly, but that's fun. Yeah. Leapers or leaplings? That took some special planning to get her. Yeah, when did you get horny? Well, I'm already from May. The last snowstorm of May. May. Well, that makes sense. Spring weather, spring fever. Sure. Spring fling. I always get very, I get the most romantic around fall. Yeah. Fall's cozy. Beginning of school is romantic. It's a new class, new people. New clothes. New clothes. New opportunities. Yeah, you're feeling kind of good in one of your outfits.

1:43:12Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Least popular birthdays, February 29th, December 25th, January 1st, December 24th, July 4th, January 2nd. Oh, thank God. I really felt like mine was a top 10. There you go. You mean bottom. Well, top 10 least. Least. Yep. Number one. Bottom 10. Number one none. Now, no bake cookies. He told an interesting story that he used to eat no-baked cookies, and then in his kitchen, he would give a recipe to his staff and see if they could follow directions and make it, and they never could. But according— Laura would have passed. Exactly. According to this, this is not his recipe. Right.

1:43:58He's probably, you know— I think this was made famous on the oatmeal. What's the most trusted brand in oatmeal? I use Bob's. Quaker Oats? Quaker Oats. Quaker Oats. Quaker Oats. Yeah. Try some Chocno Bakes this year for Christmas time. It's on the box? Be conservative about your treats. Mostly eat protein and baked potatoes and pray a lot. But on that rare occasion you deserve a treat, make it a Chocno Bake with Quikoros. God, I can taste those. One bite will do. Pass it around. Two bites will get the devil knocking at your back door. It's too much sweets. Too indulgent. Okay. Don't masturbate.

1:44:43Oh, my God. Again. Okay. Okay. I'm going to read the recipe. Two cups white sugar, a half cup butter or margarine, a half cup milk, three tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder, one pinch salt, three cups quick cooking oats, a half cup peanut butter, one teaspoon vanilla extract. And then you do have to, like, do some stuff. You have to bring stuff to a boil. Yeah, it's a mud. And then my mom would spread it out on a McDonald's tray that she stole from McDonald's. And then it would harden in the fridge. Yeah. In the McDonald's tray. Smart. That's very savvy. Instead of getting a baking sheet using a McDonald's.

1:45:21Just steal it from McDonald's. Yeah. When you're a single mom, you're allowed to do a lot of things. Yeah. Good for her. Did you guys have McDonald's trays at home? I think. But it's hard to get out of there holding that. Not if you run. you got the car running send your kids out to the car to get it running put it in drive pull the e-brake wow someone comes flying out with three trays we used to steal salt and pepper shakers as well yeah that makes more sense to me that can just go right in a purse yeah yeah I used to steal cups a lot cups glasses like from bars and stuff you've always had that as trinket as like a souvenir sure there was more about nothing wrong with that There was a brewery in Athens called Terrapin, and it was a thing to, like, steal those glasses.

1:46:08We had so many. And they were, like, nice. Pint glasses. Yes. Yeah. Probably put them on a business. They probably used plastic. The whole college put them and kept them. Yeah. Put them out and kept them in. Okay. Now, we also refer to you, both of you, eating the food off of Big Boy's plates, which we've discussed. I was explaining to Curtis the progression of how it starts with, oh, there's a full half of a Slim Jim. Right. Untouched. Sure. Yeah, I'll eat that. Of course. Yeah, of course. And then by the end, I'm just biting directly into the whole bite marks. That's so tough. I don't care at all.

1:46:46You just stop caring. So then, you know, you guys answered the, then that's the answer to the question, spit. Spit is the one that you don't care about. I care about it. Obviously not. I care about it, but not as much as I cared about having some good food. Well, it was a cost benefit. Dried spit. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm sorry, but I think that's evidence to the question. Hair, spit. What's the other one? Skin. Skin. Nails. And then we added nails. We added nails. I want to remove nails because everyone just gets so hung up on the nails. Yeah, yeah. But I just like it as a model of human nature, which is like everyone always moves the line.

1:47:32It's like if you're no affair starts with sex. It starts with like a hug or some hand holding. And that's that. Not according to my sexy show. OK. They go straight at it. They're just jumping right in. Or your drug use. You know, it starts one and you got a rule and then you go just 5 % beyond it. and you just inch yourself closer until you're eating direct, like half-eaten french fries. Sure. Licking the plate. Last sip of a Diet Coke. It is true. Ew. Ew. That was disgusting. Last sip. Yeah. Coffee. Would you rather last sip or? Yeah, last sip of a Diet Coke's rough because it's already melted ice.

1:48:15It's backwash. Yeah, yeah. It's terrible. You didn't drink that. You're hungry. I didn't need to. I think you could manage free soda. Thank God. You could sneak them in. Yeah. You would definitely have AIDS by now. Sure, sure. Definitely, according to ER. That's it for Curtis. Okay, well, I loved him. I thought he was a very sweet human being. He was, he was, and he has really overcome so much. I was very moved by his story. Yeah, me too. All right, love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Thank you.