Hannah Berner

23:12so I've been embarrassed in so many situations where like I feel nothing can I share this with you yeah this is one of the biggest bonding moments I've had with my daughter my older daughter she thinks it's really embarrassing when people run with a backpack on again who knows why but like that's like one of her things right if you're late to class and then like somehow she was crossing the street and like she misjudged the light blah blah blah then she had to run and then she saw like a big group of girls from her school and she was like I was so embarrassed and I go, do you like it at all? And she goes, yeah, I love it.

23:46And I go, yeah, me too. The reason I love it is it's so weird. I guess it's the addict in me. It's like anything outside of my normal state, I kind of enjoy. So it's just like when you're deeply embarrassed, the sensations in your body and the panic, I get aware of it. It's almost like when you're on hallucinogenics and you're like, well, that's scary. Oh, but don't worry. It's just hallucinogenics. So it's like, I feel insane, like I'm going to die, but I know it's just these, I don't know, I like it. But I feel like for my mental health, If you can choose to laugh or choose to be ashamed of yourself.

24:15Yeah. And once I realized that you could choose that, my life kind of changed. And then I also realized, honestly, you're more interesting when you've done stupid shit. Like when you've overcome stuff. That is why I think I like addicts because I'm like, you've done some stupid shit. Yeah. And you've come out. And you've had to sit there and face it and then be like, I'm still going to try to be my best the next day. Yeah. I live. Can we go back to you getting hit by a car? Look, I'm from New York City. I'm not even like woo-woo LA. No offense. Neither of us are from here. I was like, oh shit.

24:47We're participating in all of it, but it's not our identity. So it's great. Do I enjoy a pet psychic for fun? Yes. Yes, I love you. I like Erewhon too. So towards the end of my senior year, this is like when it's the big tournament where you get the accolades, you get the awards. It's the big 10 championship. And it's 7 a.m. and I'm walking to practice. It's like two degrees out. I have a big parka on. and I get hit by a car who didn't see me. Was it a white parka? Were you like snow camouflaged? It was one of those parkas where you can't see shit. You didn't know either. Also, I think deep down I was like, fucking hit me, please.

25:19That's what I'm getting at. It kind of seems like maybe. I was like, what if I just... Also, if I was any out wardrobe, I could begin to get hit by a car, it'd be a parka. Also, not to do a callback to your daughter, but I had a backpack. And when I was chucked and landed on my back, saved my fucking life. So shout out to nerds. Is that the brand of backpack? No, nerds. Just being a nerd. Okay, we wear backpacks. Shout out to reading. Shout out to books. Let's bring them back. Shout out to Willy Wonka. Wait, hold on. So you had a backpack. You're wearing a parka. You definitely did this on purpose.

25:50I got knocked. Subconsciously. My first words were, tell my coach I'm going to be late. I was in such a cult. And they were like, you're going to the hospital, babe. I had like a really bad muscle contusion because my calves are fucking very strong. The car was like, oh, we didn't know. But I was out for three months. Movement is a big part of my game. like speed. So I got back, obviously not a hundred percent. And I, this is tennis terms, but I lost five matches in third set tie breaks that like, if I had been fully healthy, I would have won all of them. And it gets to the point where I want to raise awareness for it's okay to quit.

26:25I love that. It's okay to change your dream. And I was one of those weird seven-year-olds that looked my dad in the eye and was like, I want to win the U.S. Open. And he was like, if that's what you want, I'll make it my whole life. We're going to do that. We're going to do it. And it was everything to me. I want to hang with Dan. But it's stressful when all these people are involved in your dream. And then you're like, I guess I'm not doing that anymore. Remember that 20 years you just put in? Yeah. Yeah. We're pivoting. Moving on to comedy. I've done so much work to be like, do you still have any value now?

26:54Yes. And like when you quit, it was this moment where I was like, so that was all a waste. And then you don't quit and like become something great. You go from being captain of the tennis team to being in New York City. Seven years old. Well, everyone else was developing all these other things. Everyone else was like, well, I was going to be in marketing and that's why I have all these internships. And you're just like, sometimes my surf sucks. And Hannah, I don't want to freak you out, but we just had a guy who had a schizophrenic episode and tried to kill his father. And that stressful situation came because he was a career runner in college and quit.

27:25That was the stressful event that triggered the schizophrenia. No, I 100 % believe it. But my dad and I, we come from old school Brooklyn. His dad was a basketball coach in Brooklyn. So Jerry Berner, imagine he was like those coaches they make movies about. Like you'd see a tall kid walking down the street and be like, are you in school? Are you a power forward? How's your hands? Reflexes. And then he'd be like, we're going to get you to college. You need to show up to class and I'm going to get you to college and we're going to win a championship. Like Jerry Berner was iconic. So my dad was just always coach mentality.

27:56Kind of quickly what he did for, I know he went to business school. But he's a salesman. So he's just like a charming sales guy who wishes he could play sports every weekend. So that's what he does. Him any addiction? Me. He was addicted to us. Like we'd wake up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and he'd have a list of all the workouts we're doing. And I was jacked up. I was like, Dad, how high do you want me to jump? He definitely lived vicariously through me, which was problematic. But also he believed in me more than anyone. But when I lost, I felt so bad that dad wasn't proud of me. It's the best daddy issue you can have.

28:31You're like, my dad thinks I'm the shit. That's what I'm going to say. You're going to have a fucking dad issue. And if it was that your dad spent way too much time with you and focused too much on you, I got to pick that one. We just talked about this on an episode about dads who are coaches. Oh, it was with Levy. Whose mother is a symphony orchestra violinist. Was her teacher for a bit. And it was like, oh, gosh, that mix of it being your parent who's supposed to be unconditional, which he clearly is. You'd have dinner one night after a loss and the tension is there. You can't help it. But then I would win a match.

29:05I just remember us jumping in the parking lot like we just won the Super Bowl. And those moments are so special. But then it became I wasn't playing for myself. I wasn't playing just for fun. And I think that's important. Any parents that are like raising their kids, make sure they're choosing it every day. I thought I loved it, but I loved him loving that I won. Yeah, it's complicated. But also, do you think you can go to the next level and still love it? Every professional athlete we've interviewed, they all stop loving. Andre Agassi's book was not Flowers and Rainbows. Most of the tennis plays we had Roddick on.

29:44I love him. I played with him in a charity event this summer and it's the greatest moment of my life. Yeah, he's a fucking stud, huh? But it's funny you get to make fun of him in his spiked hair and his visor. Only he could pull that off. I know. A visor with spiked hair. That was his look. That was his look. And every girl was like, oh, I've never been more attracted to this strange look. He's also so nice. But yeah, tennis, it is your longest relationship. So that's why you have breakdowns. Because one day you just don't have it anymore. And you're like, so I can't think about it. I can't play it.

30:15Who am I? Yeah. But long story short, when I started to discover comedy, I did get scared that I was going to have performance anxiety again. Yeah. I was like, oh no, I found another thing that I could disappoint people with that I have potential, but I can be in my head about. But I got dared to do like a live podcast because I started with podcasting in like 2018. It was my small mental health comedy pod. And someone was like, do 10 minutes of standup because I've been writing a lot of tweets. And I remember walking on stage at Caroline's. Well, that was your first time. Was that Caroline? I did it all wrong.

30:49The first time I did it was a sold out crowd at Caroline's. 10 minutes. 10 minutes is also long for people. But this is the thing. I am crazy. And I've served underhand against Duke and lost. I'm like, I can talk to a bunch of girls at Caroline's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also was like, I'm going to go on stage and I think I'm going to feel like how I feel before I serve. And I had a lot of trauma still. You also thought that when you filmed your Netflix standout special, right? Which is like, it's not ever filmed. but now that it's filmed am I going to forget my entire fucking hour? And also your brain can say like because you've already done it.

31:23Your brain loves patterns. Yeah. So I'm about to walk on and immediately a calm hits me. And it's a calm that I'm like have goosebumps that other players would tell me about. Like they're like yeah you're nervous before but then you get on and then you calm down. I never had that calm. While you were playing tennis. I always felt like it was judgment day. And I was like what the fuck is wrong? Like on a stage I'm going to cry but I was like oh, this is where they wanted me to be. And all the training from tennis and the discipline and the mental warfare and things that made me not good at tennis, like thinking too much, made me go to crowd work because I can't help but impulsively say what I'm thinking.

32:04Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking your gas gauge before hitting the road? You genuinely thought you could make it? You were wrong. That's a very long stretch of highway where you learned exactly how far fumes can take you. And it's not far enough. Yeah, checking first is an excellent plan. So check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. And for fast, reliable help when you need it, add an Allstate roadside plan today. You're in good hands with Allstate.

32:42Potential savings vary. insurance and roadside assistance plans are subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Insurance provided by Allstate North American Insurance Company, Northbrook, Illinois. Roadside assistance plans provided by Allstate Motor Club. Incorporated an Allstate affiliate.

33:01I had this creative side that I was always suppressing. Like, I was goofy in school, and I loved art, and I suppressed it all by like nine years old to become a professional tennis player. Yeah. Did you have thriving friendships throughout? I know you went to Florida for a couple of years to train for tennis, but were you missing out on a lot of sleepovers and all that stuff? I definitely did, but I also had no interest. Yeah. You just weren't there. It's not that you were missing out. Yeah. I had friends. I remember a coach giving me this whole speech about how this guy would have gone pro, but he loved partying too much.

33:32And I was like 12. And he's like, all he does is party. All he does is party. And I'm such a like naive little girl. I go, how many birthday parties has he been invited to? How many birthday parties does he go to? I didn't realize that there was this other form of partying. Mind you, for some reason, guys who love partying, like find me. But I also loved having a purpose. Like I'd wake up and be like this weekend I have a tournament. But it was torture. Did you have girlfriends on like the tour or the kids you saw a lot at meets? Women's tennis is hard because they're all your, the second you get too close to one, One, you're like, oh, this is going to affect when we play.

34:08Or you are friends with them and then you play them and you're like, I fucking hate you. Sure. But can't you hate them for 45 minutes? We're women. That's not how it works. But what's beautiful is now I'm actually reconnecting with a lot of tennis girls from juniors. Kind of like, hey, what's up? Yeah. And we have this crazy trauma bond and I feel like we were in war together and we didn't know it. Yeah. And we're all really getting along now, which is beautiful. And also, if a girl was doing well, I'd be like, fuck, my dad probably thinks she's doing better than me. Like wishes she was his daughter.

34:38So I'm like, now you're fucking up me and my dad. Yeah. Now you're coming for my dad. Oh, God. I do want to say from the dad's perspective, the line we're hovering, it literally happened to me last night where my daughter's running for student council president. Cute. She's been reading me drafts of the speech, asking for input. I've been helpful, helpful, helpful. Giving notes. Then last night I found that line. I don't know. I might give some specifics of the things that you're going to change about the school as opposed to blank. And then that just set off the whole thing. And I was like, oh, my God, I don't know.

35:12You're asking. This is good. You're asking. OK. And then, yeah, you can just see. Well, I know what you want. And I have an opinion on how you could get it. First of all, I don't give a fuck your student. In fact, I hope you're not student council president because I imagine I'll have to drive more things. I want her hobby to be watching TV with me. That's what I want her to be a professional at. But yeah, and I'm like, you're trying to help as much as the person can receive the help. And it's going well, it's going as well. And then you do this thing and it's like scarring. And you're like, I don't know, that felt the same as the previous bit of help I gave.

35:45Wait, what was it you said to give a little more specifics? Yeah, it was like, I want to improve the school and I'll listen to you to improve the school. and my suggestion was like, I don't know, do you want to have a dance? Do you want to like, is there a certain thing? So I gave her, so she sent me the speech too. Obsessed. She knows she has resources and she's getting it. She sent it to me two days ago. It was email, so it wasn't face-to-face. So maybe that helped. And you're not her dad. But that's my whole point. I gave that exact no. You gave the same no? Yes. At least I feel convicted in the suggestion I made.

36:14And I saw her yesterday. She wasn't like mad at me. So clearly. We totally mended before that. Did you tell her to lie? Be like, politicians lie. I say you're getting ice cream every day. Exactly. You could say anything. There's going to be hot tubs in every classroom. I think someone did that in my school. They were like, we're getting ice cream. Okay. Jacob is going to be the gym teacher. Timothy Shalem is going to be teaching. No, hers is so cute because she says, I can't promise. And then she makes such a massage chair. That's adorable. And then she's shitting on the other people running. She's like, did you hear?

36:45We totally mended last night. And I said, look, I think I probably was underestimating. This has got to be so stressful. You're going to like give a speech on Friday. You probably feel overwhelmed and you're probably stressed out. And I hit critical mass and I'm really sorry. This just played out as the exact difference between when a father gives a note and when a me. An auntie. Yeah. But overall, it's out of love that you care about her. Yeah. That's the overarching. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe your dad really had tennis aspirations. No, he did. Oh, he did. He fully like if he had the resources, he would want to do it.

37:17And he loved that he could provide it for me. We had this movie-type moment at 16 where I was really struggling mentally. And he was like, we're going on the court. He's so dramatic for this, too, but love it for that. He goes, you're going to hit one ball. And you're going to tell me if you want to keep playing. And whatever you say, I'm going to love you. Like, that dramatic. And I remember hitting it and being like, I'm going to keep going, daddy. And then it starts thunderstorming. and then you still want to keep going. I ended up playing for the boys team, which was pretty cool in my high school.

37:51In high school. Because they didn't have a girls team in Title IX. And I always have drama around me. So they ended up causing some drama. They were like, she shouldn't play on the boys team because it's unfair. The boys have boners. It's not productive. And then they ended up granting my team a girls team that my dad ended up coaching. So that's the nice rip. That's awesome. So he got to ruin all their lives. That's literally his joke. He's like, well, I ruined one. Well, you could ruin a lot of them. But he's always had an amazing sense of humor. He loves making fun of me. We're so mean to each other in the best way.

38:21We got to this point where I was like, he's always disappointed me because I never made it pro for my dad. But he's had this moment where he's like, you know, I admire about you. You get thrown down and you always get back up. And I was like, if that's all my parents want from me, I'm like, I could live like that. Yes. Just get back up. Yeah. What you can't understand when you're a kid is I'm proud of you. Full stop. Because you're you. I'm enamored with you. I love you. If you become president, it'll be cool. I'm not going to be more in love with you. There's a base. I'm at 100 % of adoring you.

38:57And none of your accomplishments are going to raise that, nor any of your failures will lower that. True. Also, my dad would get annoyed at something I would do on the court. And then I'd watch him play and he'd do the exact same thing. And I'm like, and that's the problem. I'm you. You're not at you, dad. Yeah. The genetics, and you're pissed at the genetics you gave me. And I also would say he could have been a comic, but he ended up not going that route. And I think I'm basically him with my mom's discipline. That's great. That's why now when people, you know, as a female comic, you say stuff on stage and he'll have his friends be like, I saw that clip.

39:31My dad is so happy. He's like, I want my daughter to be happy. I've seen her through a lot of different phases of her life. So my parents could not be more supportive of me doing that. What's your little brother's story? Oh, he was like, fuck you, dad. I'm not playing this game. He's naturally as athletic as me, as performative. But when my dad would be like, let's run in the park, I'd be like, okay. My brother would be like, I'm playing World of Warcraft. I don't give a shit about you. Right. So he's iconic for that. And so he was tons of friends, sleepovers. Yes. Went to Wisconsin, but like was in a frat.

40:03Why did he also go to Wisconsin? He followed me. How much younger is he? He was like 22 months. So it's cute. He saw the stress inducing part of it for me. and he was like, I'm good. I was like, you don't need dad's approval. And he's like, no, watch me. And my dad would be like, do you want to do this? And he'd be like, no. And I'm like, oh my God, he's so cool. I wish I could do that. Do you think he followed you to protect you? Or be protected by you. If he saw that she's like in mental distress. I feel like he looked up to me, but also he weirdly is more mature than me. So I think it was a combination of, I'm proud of her for going there, but also let me keep an eye on her.

40:40Yeah, that's so sweet. I did want to ask about the transition from Brooklyn. Well, actually, let me go back. There's one other question I had before college, which is you were commuting to this school in Hell's Kitchen, yeah? Of course. From Brooklyn? Yes. So were you riding a train every morning? Yes. I'm enamored with this idea. So you were a little kid. I'll tell you all about it. Were you in ninth grade when this started? I was a junior when I came back from Florida. I found out this public school on the Upper West Side had this great boys team. Cute name. What's it called? Beacon. Beacon.

41:10Oh, my God. It was so artsy, too. We did project-based assessments. So instead of tests, we would present to the teacher things. Like, it was very New York City progressive. Yeah, yeah. But they had amazing sports somehow. It was like the best tennis team in the city. And I literally had a meeting with the coach. I'm like, if you come into the school, we'll fucking win a championship. And he was like, you're in. I don't know if I can legally say that, but it happened. This is years later. So the best part about it is you walk to the train. and there's a couple other kids who live in Park Slope where I was who go to school with you.

41:42So you end up every morning with like 15 kids and we all get in the train at the same time. And then you have 40 minutes to do homework or study. And also people are fucking scared of teenagers. Like we ran that subway. Like we're annoying. We're telling stories and everyone's just going to work together. And it's a beautiful thing. The subway is like magical to me. Yeah. I was wondering in In those, I guess, two years of commuting, did you see some shit? Oh, yeah. Yeah, like some of the wilder things. I've seen some shit and I never even lived there. The coolest thing about the Subboy is you think about how we've all lived such crazy lives.

42:16And in this moment, we're just in this quiet place on the same car. Like, how did we all get here? And we're all from different backgrounds, from different religions, from different traumas. That's the egalitarian part of New York City. The train, I've had a guy puke on me. Puke? That's actually kind of common. and someone's hung over and it's 7 a.m. You also, you all press together and it's just socially, this is pre-COVID, but you have to get on this train and there's really no room and you just fucking squeeze your... You're in between, can't breathe, you're just like, like fighting for air, but that's just socially acceptable.

42:49I'd be very unconf if I was like a middle-aged businessman and a teenage girl got on and wedged her. You get so used to it. You get so used to it. There's also like, you can't take up the whole pole. Put one, two fingers, you're not fucking lying on the pole. Also, if you see there's like an open area, there's a reason. There's a guy who pooped himself. There's a dead pigeon. Or a dead body. A dead body. The mistake people make in subways, they see an open car and they go, my lucky day. No. This is a good cautionary tale. Someone's doing witchcraft and you're about to have crazy stuff go down.

43:23Have you seen what happens in Tokyo on subways? I happened to write a script that was set. No, the shoulder sleeping. I mean, this is the apex of a collective society. They get on and you think you were packed in New York. You know, they're doing 4X in Tokyo. Oh, yeah, they're better. And then once they're there, they just lean their head over on a stranger's shoulder and fucking half the people are just dead asleep standing up. That's incredible. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. It's really nice. I wish I could have that kind of piece ever. But nudity, were you seeing a lot of nudity? Because I've seen some pants down on New York subway.

43:56One of my early first kisses was in Central Park. And then I looked and there was a guy jerking off. Oh, wow. And that was crazy because I'd never seen even a boner before. Yeah, yeah. And were you like, oh, my God, I'm so good at kissing. Like, this is what I'm meant to be. I should be an actor because, like. Like, I should kiss more often. I'm such a New York City lover because I feel like it's easy to get in your head. But if you just walk outside, you see so many people who, one, don't give a fuck about your stupid problems. And two, I think my grandpa once told me, like, you'll see people in their darkest times in New York.

44:32And he's like, they could have been an astronaut 10 years ago. Everyone's just at a time in their life. And New York doesn't stop for anyone. It's a beautiful reminder just how little we are in this world. New Yorkers do have each other's back, I think, post 9-11, where you'll be in a subway and someone starts, like, choking or something. And someone's like, I'm a doctor. I got this. But then no one will say thank you. Like, they just move on to, like, I saved your life. He says, fuck you. Yeah, you better fucking fuck yourself. Never touch me again. Yeah, you fucked up my shirt. You fucked next time, pull my shirt up.

45:02I don't know this to say this, but I feel like most often people from small towns are desiring going to a bigger, flashier place. They go to New York. They go to L.A., wherever they go. And you went from, yeah, this childhood in New York to Madison. Were you like, what's happening here? It was a culture shock. Yeah, I bet. Because I didn't know what a Wisconsin was. my dad was like they have a basketball team and I was like I don't know I didn't know Midwest culture and they're apex Midwest culture I'm from Michigan but they go harder it's different there's no cow tipping in Michigan well there is oh sure sure a lot of rural you're like you don't know my culture Wisconsin does have like amazing beer amazing cheese but like I'm like half Italian and guys were like I've never seen someone so exotic fuck yeah Everyone's blonde.

45:51Everyone's Norwegian or German. I'm used to New York City where if you didn't wear something weird, people were like, you're a loser. Or like in Wisconsin, if you wear something different, everyone's like, you're weird. It was kind of scary. And I remember feeling a little misunderstood. I remember feeling like a little loud. I didn't hit it off with the men that while they were all corn fed, huge, beautiful men, they would like talk about duck hunting. And I was like, well, why do you have to kill a duck? What have they done to you? I like that. And it wasn't like a culture shock where you're like, cool, interesting culture.

46:25It was more, I felt misunderstood. Well, I could have just imagined also the reduction of stimuli that you're not even aware your nervous system has become completely accustomed to. That subway ride. You pluck someone out of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan or Wisconsin, just drop them on the subway. They're fucking nervous. That dude's got to, you know, and it's the opposite for you. Right. I almost feel like you would have been painfully bored or understimulated. Maybe that's why I was so in my head all the time because there was nothing to think about. I was interviewed by like the Mizzou coach early on.

47:00I was like, tell me about your school. And he was like, I don't think you're going to like it. He was like, this isn't a good fit and I don't want to put you through this. And I was like, I'm like, well, I want you to choose me. But it was interesting. Some people really want a small town, simple. But Madison, Wisconsin is an amazing town. It's the capital and the school combined. And it's truly spectacular, but as a college athlete, you don't experience it. Did you go to any field parties? That sucks. I don't know. I never went to a field party. I'm an uncultured swan. Yeah, I just wish he had been.

47:30Have you ever been to a field party? I don't think so. You get it. You know, you go into a field and start drinking. He goes, it's pretty crazy. I would say it's character building. You wouldn't guess. Because again, in New York, you guys have all kinds of stuff to entertain yourself. No one's got to be that creative. But you just put 25 people in a field and tell them to have fun. that you gotta be creative. I heard people love Sonic. People in the suburbs will go to like a Sonic parking lot. Yes, everyone went to Sonic and you just hang out in the car with everyone there or Waffle House. Huge, huge hangout spot.

47:59If you like fighting. Fighting. There's like a joke online where people are always like, my parents thought I was studying, but I was in a field about to die somewhere. Just running around. Where I think New York City, I was too scared. Central Park, after 11 p.m., you will get raped. That was like a fact. Yeah. That was on you at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to Central Park. Yeah. You went to a barbershop and got a haircut. What did you think was going to happen? So I think New Yorkers, like we never had any drunk driving issues because no one could drive. I think in New York, either you were doing meth at 11 or you were scared.

48:31And I was scared. You were in that latter group. Tell me about the gap between getting out of college and then summer house. What happens in that phase? That's one of my darker times. but I love telling people in their 20s, no one tells you that it is your darkest time. 20s are tough. Well, because older people, they just are so envious. They want to be 20. And you forget that you're losing your mind because you have no identity. You don't have a mind. You find out that that identity is not going to work out. In my 20s, I was teaching tennis, which was fun because I like new tennis, but I also was like, you fucking loser.

49:04People are playing tournaments and you're teaching like a six-year-old, you fucking loser. Not to name drop, but I was teaching this very wealthy man in the Hamptons. Oh, a full grown adult, man. Not even someone's child. I teach from six years old to 96. I will take all your money. And also everyone loves tennis. And some of these guys, they just were lonely. I was just strictly teaching tennis, but I was teaching them out of tech sometimes. You're actually like a therapist because tennis is so intimate where you miss a ball and they're like, why did I miss? And you're like, are you having trouble at home?

49:34Like you work stuff out. And this guy was like, okay, we're having some people come over. They're all these rich dudes. He's like, and Chelsea. I'm 21 years old, by the way. Chelsea Lately is like at its height. I was going to say, are we talking Clinton? Are we talking Handler? I actually really did think it was Clinton. So I'm glad. I am glad. You heard rich people. I heard like man and then Chelsea. And Hamptons maybe. That could have gone two different ways. A little more on drugs. So she shows up and I read all her autobiographies. I didn't know it yet, but I loved comedy. She walks on. I'm fucking double faulting.

50:10I'm so nervous. We're playing doubles. And it's one thing to meet someone who you admire, but to spend two hours teaching tennis was as a 21 year old. I remember at the end, I was like, do you have any advice for like a girl getting growing up? She literally looked at me and she was like, I got lucky and like walked away. But she was so nice, so funny. And now I went to her show last night and we text. I was like, Chelsea, you know, I taught you tennis when I was 21. She's like, gun to my head. I have no idea who you are. Never remember that. But yeah, tennis was cool where you'd get to see different people's lives.

50:45And these Aussie rich people who were empty and just lonely and just paying people to be around them. So I got to see this different level of money. Yeah, you get all this money and you've had this huge fantasy. And then you're like, why aren't I euphoric? I'm supposed to be euphoric. Yeah. And now I'm terrified because now I know there's no solution. And I'm like, this guy is so successful at his job, but can't hit it back. hand and he like hates himself. So it was very fun. But I was like, I need to move away from this. Really quick. There's the long worn stereotype of like the dudes telling their buddy, like, you're letting your wife take tennis.

51:23Like, he's going to fuck that dude. Right. That's like a very well-worn trope. Yeah. There's a hot Brazilian guy that's fucking your wife. Yes. Where the wife's not like absolutely not 21 year old fucking tennis coach. I think which is also why maybe I'm good at comedy. I have a way to like bro myself down. I'm not showing up with makeup, tits out. Yeah. I'm yelling at them. I'm not like, hey, baby. Good to see you. I'm like, that's not what we practiced. Yeah, so I'm full. Like I'm come from a coaching background. So I'm like there to make you better. Right. And so like the wives were like, good, fucking yell at him.

51:57He's so annoying. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I'll drop. It's just the energy you put out into the world. All right, good. Could I have made more money if I was a little flirtier? maybe. I don't know. Christmas bonus. Feels a little nicer with the serve. Because I see some of these billionaires, they do tennis lessons and everyone's afraid to tell them what they're doing wrong and they don't get better. And I'm like, someone tell this guy to bend his knees. Okay, so you were coaching tennis in that gap. And I'm like, I have to get away from tennis. I have to find who I am. I started doing cold calling sales because my dad was like, if you want to be successful in life, do cold calling sales.

52:29And if you can handle that, you can handle anything. Did he also, because my dad was a salesman. He was a car salesman. He said, if you think there's any job in the world that's not sales, you're crazy. Every single job is sales. That's exactly what my dad said to me. And he's like, you have to sell yourself to sell everything. Yeah, it's true. Because I've dealt with other artists out here who are writers. I'm like, at the end of the day, dude, you're walking into a studio and you better put on a fucking show. Early on, I was like, guys, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I will sell it.

52:54Like, I don't know what this is. I have my back. I don't believe it. I don't have any knowledge of the product. And I'm going to move this unit. Marcello also did sales yes yes because it's an x-factor the salesman it's a hard gig well it's just like stand-up you're gonna get rejected fucking non-stop and you just gotta be able to go yeah whatever so I actually I joined the sales team and it was a bunch of guys and me but again I'm used to it I used to train with a lot of guys it really feels like I've always been in this male-dominated space that I'm like okay I'm here now and I would just like kind of giggle on the phone a lot like I would just kind of be jokey and silly and I remember one guy being like all you do is giggle on the phone which is so funny because now that's my career.

53:34But I had like a lightness and silliness about it. And I started doing really well. I was making good money at like 23. Nice. But I started to feel like I was just taking from people. My day was just you were something I needed something from. Yes. And I'm a creative. That went against my core where like I'm a people pleaser. I'm an artist. I want to give. I started hating it. I would like hide in the bathroom. I'd hang out with the social media team and be like, what do you guys have to today? Can I ask what you were selling? I was selling marketing for small businesses. I know why you felt a little dirty.

54:08Because you're like, I don't know if this marketing is going to help your business. And there's no way to actually find out. And also, I'm not selling, yeah, like these big businesses. This is like a guy with a pizzeria. And I mean, it wasn't an expensive product. Listen, I did the same thing. I worked for my dad. Yeah, I had a lot of different sales jobs for my dad. So I was just like, I don't know if anyone's getting anything they paid for. Well, yeah, because then you sell it. And then the people, I'm like, are you guys doing what I sold? But it was such a good experience. But I said, I want to do marketing.

54:33I started doing marketing for a t-shirt company. And you have a communications degree? Communications degree. And at the end of my communications degree, I had a little internship at Wisconsin where I did some sports broadcasting. Oh, okay. Because deep down, I actually thought I was going to be a sports broadcaster. I'm like, I know sports. I can turn it on. Welcome to ESPN. I'm Hannah Burner. Like I was like into it. Oh my God, soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had some like funny interviews that did well. You have to move to a small town to be a sports broadcaster. And I was like, I'm fucking done with this.

55:03I want to be in New York City. I actually told my mom, this is crazy, but I was like, what if I interviewed people on the subway? I thought of that like 22. So like your body knows what you want to do. But then I was like, ah, stupid idea. So fast forward, I'm in Vegas selling t-shirts at like 25. And I see an old video pop up on YouTube of me interviewing a Wisconsin basketball player. And I just thought, fuck it, I want to be on camera, which is, again, embarrassing. Yeah. Saying you want to be on camera. True. It's vulnerable. That's so brutal. Yeah, yeah. Especially as a woman to be like, I should be seen.

55:41Yeah. And you guys should look at me. Yeah. Preferably all day long. All day long. So I decide at 25, I start telling people, like, I want to be on camera. I didn't know what it was. Maybe sports. I didn't know. Always loved stand-up, but I did not think I'd be stand-up. And this company, Betches, is hiring for a video producer. And I knew how to edit from Wisconsin. Who knew a communication arts degree got you? Wow. What are we using? Premiere Pro. Premiere Pro, great. Which is how they launched my entire career. So I'm editing for them. They finally are like, can you make a sketch? And I got this wedding videographer to film it.

56:18It was called When Bae FaceTimes You. Bae was really in at the time. Yeah, that means your boyfriend or girlfriend. Like someone you're into. Yeah. Okay. B-A-E? Yes. Okay. You're so in. You know what the kids are doing. I know everything. Do you want to see me dance? Oh, my God. B-A-E. Monica's literally like, find a happy place. He needed to ask the spelling. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, maybe there's a 70-year-old dude listening, and he was adrift, and I just told him how it works. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. So I have headphones on, and I go, oh, I need my headphones because I'm in my pajamas. and then it shows me put like a full face of makeup on and a ring light and then I go, found my headphones, like let's talk.

56:56It was just like a cute little video. It goes viral and they're like, can you do this three times a week? And I felt the drug again. I say yes to everything. Three a week, you want six a week? I'm like, I want six a week. I was like, where are you going? And I was like working on the weekends. I found my passion again. I was like, my whole life I could just make funny videos. Like this is fucking sick. And I start casting New York City comics to be in the videos. So I start surrounding myself with cool characters. They give you a little budget. We got a tag here and there, a little 50 bucks here.

57:26Okay. But I was like seeing these people's lives. I'm like, so you do podcasts during the day, you're auditioning and you do stand up at night and that's your life. And I was like, that's kind of cool. Yeah. And then I get a call to be on a reality TV show. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

57:55So they found you. I got a DM from a producer. Wow. And they were like, we're looking for New York City kids in their 20s. I can't imagine at that time you had seen season one or two of Summer. I hadn't watched it. Right, right. And it's about kids who work. I see kids and kids because I'm so old now. People. 20s. 20s. Humans. Who work. Human beings. who work during the week and then they party in the Hamptons on the weekends. Now, I grew up in New York City and I'd go to Shelter Island and play tennis and do old man stuff. But I was like, I know this lifestyle. And I'm like, can I promote my podcast?

58:30And they were like, yes, we love that. So I think I've like hit the jackpot. Also, I do the Zoom and I'm like, I don't think I'm a reality TV person when you see me. I don't know what they saw me. Maybe that I'm loose lips. I was like, I'm a people pleaser, but I like being funny. I think they loved that I was the sporty girl. They like to cast you. They need an archetype. I was like the truth teller sporty girl who was like relatable. I wasn't too hot but I wasn't like too drunk. Like I kind of had my role. What did the audition or Zoom do they like show you pictures of people and then you comment on them?

59:00It's actually really funny. They're like so do you think so and so's life is headed in the right direction? Wow they want you to make some judges. And I remember not knowing anything about the people but like trying to have a hot take. Which is honestly me with podcasting. I'm like, if I don't care about it, I'll still have a hot take. I haven't come up with something. I haven't seen it, haven't read anything about it, and I'm going to fully float. And I will fight this out with you right now. But also, again, I like a challenge. I also was still feeling a little lost. I remember telling my mom about it.

59:27It's also a paycheck. I wasn't making money at the time. And my mom was like, I'm a little nervous, but you've done a lot of hard things, even at your young age. See what happens. She's like, you're a nice human. Like, you're not going to get into fights with people. You're not going to cry. You're not a crier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do all those things? So honestly, reality TV was the most fucked up, beautiful experience I've ever had. Yeah, it was. I'm so curious. What are the pros and the cons or the highs and the lows? The highs were that if you get a good edit, people think you're the greatest human in the world.

59:59Yeah. Like you just are the greatest. You are the funniest. You've never made a mistake. Everything you say is right. You're playing a character for a storyline that they choose to say. Yeah. And honestly, I had two really good seasons where I met friends for life. You met Paige, right? I met Paige. But then we had our COVID season where we were locked in a house. This seems bonkers. This is like child abuse. Well, everyone went crazy. Not what we signed up for. Everyone went crazy in their homes without a camera crew there. Honestly, like the later seasons is when like egos get involved. And like, you know each other too much.

1:00:32Like you're too comfortable with each other. People have popped. Other people haven't. There's a whole lot of shit on the table. Everyone's counting everyone's followers. And it's not based on like you had a good stand up special. It's based on did you get a nice storyline that people related to? Let me ask one quick question on that, because often you're on set as an actor and the actor goes, my character wouldn't do this. And like they're fighting for the death of that. And that's not even them. So like if you get assigned a storyline that's like so different from who you are. I'm going to blow your mind.

1:01:01OK. You don't know what the storyline is. I was about to say. I was about to say. So this is my advice for people on reality TV. If the producers are coming to you being like, okay, I want to ask these questions, do this, you're in a good place. If no one talks to you before the scene, you are the storyline. So you come in thinking you don't know what's going on and you can't tell if people are going to be like, they're bullying me or I should be yelled at right now. Like, yeah, reality TV is made in the edit. The people do not know what's going on when they're in it. When they say edit, it is a lot of the confessionals tell the story.

1:01:35So I like to say, think of someone who doesn't like you, how they would tell a story. And then think of someone who does like you and how they tell a story. They decide who's going to tell the story. Right. Or you might be telling the story. People have a lot of different experiences. And some seasons I felt like were really real. And then some I feel like they don't have enough to work with. Then like sometimes they protect people. They don't protect other people. I feel like I learned so much from it. It humbled me. It made me realize how not in control you are. obviously I want to be liked I'm in this industry it made me realize not everyone likes you and to have to sit with people not liking you for like something in the back of your head said that was things that I had to fucking face my demons and it also led me to stand up comedy because I was getting upset and I would be at the club at night and I'm with all these comics and I'm like not a good episode not a good episode and they were like making fun of me and they were like if I was on the show I would do this this they right-sized it for you yeah it was so funny and it kept me sane and then when I was on stage I wasn't on my phone and people were authentically reacting to me in the flesh I hate saying that it's a gross thing to say but just me being me that you didn't like me for me and also comedy so honest and I realized if I want to find myself this is where I'm going to do it and then I got fired really quick How old were you?

1:03:0230. You better believe at 30, all I would have done is write about myself. It'd be impossible not to. I loved your Nikki Glaser episode because you guys really hit on this. And I was like, I'm relating to this too much, but I have to give credit to my old husband. My old, beautiful, tired husband. Old the description, not old, like past husbands. Yes. He's still here. Not for long. Tick tock. Not for long. But he had this whole career before me. And he had mentioned like sometimes when he was his most liked, he felt like he was his most hated. Because he didn't have anyone telling him like, oh, that's not actually what's going on.

1:03:41And when you're performing live, you have to walk on and feel love. You can't be in your head like these people are fucking coming for me. Yeah, yeah. So he early on had like a strict rule in our household. And he actually was tough with it. He's like, if you see something, you get upset. That's your problem. Yeah. Like he was tough with me, which, you know, I like a little coat.

1:04:07But he saved my life. I wouldn't be here. And that's like dramatic, but it's true. You would have done much more cocaine. I would have been loving cocaine. But he was like, it's like a car crash. Like you want to watch it, but you don't have to watch it. You're also, you're watching a car crash that you're in. Yeah, it's my car. Yeah, yeah. Like it's going to be extra traumatic because the car crash you're observing is you going through the windshield. My biggest advice for like artists and creators is once the comments start affecting your creativity, they win. So at that point, I wasn't trying to be a reality TV star.

1:04:40I was trying to be a standup comedian. So I was like, but if you're not likable, people don't trust you with a joke. So it started to get to the point where it's ups and downs in reality TV. And I was like, this is chaos. I had gotten fired from it and a talk show. That was like the end. Wait, you got fired from a talk show? Well, at the end of my summer house Bravo days, I had got a talk show. On Bravo? Okay, okay. I was like, okay, I have other skills that I can do. And people were kind of seeing it. But my time ended on the show. What happened? It was a matter of you need everyone to be friends.

1:05:12Not everyone was getting along. It was a choice. I was going to be the one. What the fuck? They also cam Paige? No, Paige was perfect. We were like, we love Paige. So did she go further seasons than you? Paige lasted really long. on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the bad girl. I'd have to say, getting fired, star power. True star power. If you're listening, you've been fired. You're too influential. That takes, like, it's thin line between love and hate. Like, getting fired, they were like, you're too much for reality TV. I was like, iconic. Yeah. But you are a people pleaser, so that must have hurt.

1:05:45That's why, like, when producers are like, ask this question, I was like listening, which ultimately was not great for me. But again, I learned so much from it. And I was sitting in a car in Missouri, headed to a stand-up club and I get a call you're fired from summer house you're fired from chat room and I remember thinking now I need to get a Netflix special I got such a chip on my shoulder because you have to be crazy to stand up every night you have to have some kind of addict mentality and I remember thinking I love when people put me down or like cut me out or I feel like no one wants to be there and to come back stronger i just love that i love the rising of the phoenix i love the underdog yes also no one in reality tv gets a netflix special so i was like let's fucking go i joke like did you need revenge did you need to be so sicilian about it but i would argue i never put any of my energy towards hurting anyone i literally was like and now we're moving on and we're putting all that anger into like when you don't want to get up to go to the club you're fucking getting in that Uber and going there.

1:06:50Yeah. Or these people were right and they won. And my brother always was like, you're going to lose battles, but you're not going to lose the war, which is like so intense. And so my sports family. Yeah, that's so great. But I just want people to know things are going to happen to you regardless. Like shitty things happen to you every day. It's how you react to it. And if you can laugh at yourself and not to be all like inspirational. No, but I was. Sincere. Was that the word you were looking for? I've never used this word before. Not to be honest about how I feel, but everything that's made me interesting is like me fucking up.

1:07:28Yeah, that's all of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You start the Giggle Squad. Am I saying that right? Giggly Squad. I knew I was missing. It's literally close enough. We're going to blame my dyslexia. Yeah, he is dyslexic. 2020. Yes. You guys start this. We were doing Instagram lives. Do you remember? Oh, yeah. Did you guys do any Instagram lives? No, we didn't. No, no, no. Good for you. But you were doing an hour a night for like three months. Is that what it was? Yeah, that was crazy. We also were on reality TV and they'd never show the funny parts. They like to laugh at you. The guy would be filming us in the bathroom and we'd be like riffing, riffing, riffing.

1:08:02And he would just turn and walk out. And I was like, that was gold. That was TV gold. I see you hate Emmys. I was like really working. You're trying to make the videographer laugh. They're like, this doesn't have to do with the current storyline. You guys are wasting my time. We were FaceTiming and I was like, let's just go live. And we did every day and it started to become kind of cultish. It was like 5 ,000, 10 ,000 people. And then we had to film our last season. So we stopped doing it. And after the season ended, Paige never thought she'd podcast because she has a face for television. She's never thought that was her direction.

1:08:35And I was like, Paige, like podcasting. Like, I've been doing it. We got to get into it. And she's a little. They rolled her eyes. I was like, fine. And then it's been our like therapy, being able to be ourselves. In your year six. We're in year six now. It's huge. It was a slow, slow growth. Because also we don't have guests, so there wouldn't be like a viral episode. The guest is stressful. And also, I'm going to be honest, sometimes they walk in, the energy's off. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're pulling teeth. There are positives, but having just our formula and just riffing with your best friend every day has been very jealous.

1:09:07I know. It's so much more fun. Well, we do the fact check, which is sort of the version of that, which is so much easier. Because when you have chemistry, you have chemistry. Yeah, I'm always looking forward to the fact check. There's many guys where I'm like, oh, let's see if I can get a person who hates being interviewed to enjoy this. I mean, the celebrities, at least that we interview, like, they don't want. I get it. They got to promote a movie. And they're friends with you guys. So this is their, like, warmest. In some cases, yeah, yeah. It's true. And then those are the trickiest ones, too.

1:09:36I don't know. Oh, am I allowed to bring up the fact that you fucked a bull in high school? You know, like I know so much and I don't know what they're comfortable with. That's somehow harder. Who fucked a bull in high school? We all just let him say that. I actually don't know anyone that's fucked a bull, but let's say I did. Do you do two episodes a week? We moved to two episodes a week, which has been fucking fun. Because we have it in us. Let me ask you a very gross question. I know that you're making a lot of money now because I know the size theaters you're playing. Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

1:10:05And I know how many stand-up dates you're doing. And so you've got some fucking casual love. Are you enjoying it? Have you done anything stupid with it? Did you buy a fancy apartment? Like what's happening? What's happening with all this money? Oh my God, I'm cheap. Is it at all stressful in your marriage that you're making more money? Oh, he loves it. He loves it. Good for him. You got a mature man. He calls me his pension pussy. He's lived his own life. He's very successful in his own right. But he jokes, when we started dating was my last season of my reality show when it was a hard time. He's like, I came in when you had no job.

1:10:42So no one's calling me a gold digger. Yeah, exactly. And also I would say during the honeymoon phase was a really hard time for me. People weren't liking me that much. And I had that like moment. You're like relatable. Just that little tiny stutter. People weren't. How do you. You're like, I'm waiting to hear like getting me and just like liking me. It was a no. It was a no. It was a no. People were passing. No. People were like, die. Oh, no. You meet a new guy. And I come from the mindset of when I'm successful, people like me more. So I'm sitting there with a new man. And at one point I was like, I don't have a job.

1:11:20Definitely not popular. Why the fuck would you choose me? Yeah. Yeah. And he level-headedly was like, you should talk some about that because that's you. Yeah. Oh, my God. He sounds so great. I haven't dated these smart guys before. They're annoying because they can win an argument. Watch out for that. I'm like, how did you know that word? He's done a lot in his life. He's wise. Like, when I asked him a question before this pod, I called him. I was like, any words of wisdom? Oh, that's lovely. And he's the one who's like, shut up sometimes. This is my mistakes that I've made. Don't make them again.

1:11:52And so he's a huge part of me also having the confidence to like put myself out there. This would be the worst is if you guys were in a fight and then all of a sudden he just ripped out like a proverb in Mandarin. No, he does all the time. He does. He's Irish. So he says things like over the cuckoo nest. I don't know. He says all these weird. Yeah. Three sheeps in a barnyard. Yeah. He's like jump over the rover neck of the boat. And I'm like, I don't know what that means. But it's like hot because I'm like, he knows things. Yeah. He fucking knows things. And I don't know what you're saying, but I'm not mad at you anymore because I was cute.

1:12:24Irish people love a proverb. I like proverbs. They're good. I think. Yeah. I don't need to go into that. You're like not. We're going to skip that. I think oppressed people come up with a lot of rad shit. I think that's why in Sinners we got to see the Irish jig paired with all the black music. It was like, oh, yeah, look what comes out of fucking darkness. Yeah. But I'm similar to you. Like we are in the same industry. But I think because we're in different times of our careers, it's been really helpful. because he's like, oh, thank God, I don't have to do that again. Yeah. So other guys might be like, why is she getting that and not me?

1:12:57Where he's like, I've done that. I've been that. Don't do this because I did that. So he's insightful. There are times where I'm 34 and the Hulu special is about to come out. I want to do press. And he's like, you don't have to do that one. And I'm like, why? He sees the big picture. Yeah. He sees the marathon. But he's tough with me. He'll call me out. He's like, is that ego? We're honest with each other. Is he in AA? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We pick up a lot of bullshit in there, don't we? But then, you know, some guys, you're like, go to therapy. And he's like, I've done years of therapy. And I'm like, ugh.

1:13:28I am a therapist. I sponsor 70 guys. I've talked guys off roofs. And he was in Ireland where he was doing, like, NA. He, like, knows all the, like, guys who were in NA in Ireland. And, like, he's seen some shit. Those are the gnarliest dudes. But that's why also I was like, this guy could handle me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's war-torn. okay so you weren't using your money to buy anything cute that's what we're learning you bought something cute because you look ashamed of yourself this is a very expensive windbreaker but it's my friend Paige who lent it to me because she knows how to be rich I bet I asked her these questions she knows shit but like being rich is hard actually cancel that cut that shit out cut it out don't make it the title No, but being rich is like a whole situation.

1:14:22It's a world. Well, now you have something to lose. You also go like, oh, shit, I have money. You're supposed to figure out how to make money with your money. You just have this whole new list of things you think you're doing wrong. Yeah, people start talking about landscaping and you've never thought about a flower in your life. It's crazy, but I do think not to be all woo-woo, but I never came into it for money. I'm like an athlete where I'm like, I want respect. I want people to look up to me. I want to inspire little girls. I want a statue in front of a tennis arena. I'm literally like, I want my name on this bench.

1:14:51So then when I started doing better financially, my whole family thinks it's hilarious. My brother's like in finance and he's like, what are you up to? And I'm like, I don't know, dude, I'm just having fun. Yeah, it's working. It's so crazy that you could be creative and just like be yourself. Well, look, I did want money. I wanted money so fucking bad. And as an actor, I was impossible to deal with. and as a director and right, I just please give me all the money. And then this, yeah, I didn't think you could make money at it. So that is the irony of it all. Which is kind of beautiful because I think if you're just out there for money, the universe doesn't respond to that.

1:15:27And even if it can work for a minute, it has a shorter life. I've seen people succeed with the cash grab in this space. It just loses its momentum because once you have the money, now what do we do it for? But then there's so many people where you're like, how much money do you need? Like people launching the craziest businesses. But I think it's like they need to feel alive, too. They're not dead after getting rich. Yeah. Again, it's funny. I'm sure there's two or many categories of people. But there's like some people that are right. They just always want to be entrepreneurs. And that's great.

1:15:58Yeah. There's a whole other group that I'm sympathetic to, which is like you're aware of the fact you have this opportunity. And you see other people have taken that opportunity. They've turned it into things. It's just this weird guilt. Am I supposed to be doing this or I should be doing this? So I think a lot of people get into things out of that weird motivation. Especially social media where people are like, I made a hundred grand yesterday at this website. And people are like, if that guy could do it and he lives at home with his mom, like I could do it. But a lot of it is so sketchy. No one really does it.

1:16:28Don't get me into life coaches. Even like I was watching that Manosphere documentary and I was like, guys, none of these guys have any money. Everything's rented. Do you not fucking. I know. Everything is rented. Lambo is rented. Yeah, they do not own a Lamborghini. Those are not their girlfriends. But they know how to sell something. They do. They sure do. Do you want to use your sales power in the right or the wrong way? Exactly. Yep, yep. Okay, so I want to applaud you for We Riot at Dawn because you got your Netflix special. Thank you. Yeah. And it was hugely popular. Thank you. Yeah, that's fucking awesome.

1:17:01What did that moment feel like? You're like, I did it. It was cool because I got a call and they were like, Netflix wants to do a special with you. and I was like, I did it, I did it. I tell my husband, Netflix wants to be special with me. He looks at me and he goes, no, you're toying for eight more months. This is your first special. Everyone's going to watch it. I don't care if they think you're ready. You're not. Nice. And I was like, obsessed with my Scorpio King. But like, thank God. Because in my head, I'm like, they think I'm ready. I love my jokes. Let's go. They'll never call again. That's the other thing.

1:17:35If I don't take this now, they'll never call again. Especially sometimes in comedy, like you're a little hot and you start getting too many opportunities that you're not prepared for. And I was green. I really was very early in standup. But in standup, I was doing an hour very early on. So I had a lot of stage time because I was selling tickets. But they always say you could sell tickets the first round, but they're not coming back if it's not good. But I'm telling you, I felt like a surfer that found the right wave. This is moving in the right direction. and like, I'm not getting yips. This is what tennis should have felt like.

1:18:07Then I shot the special, but I did have a mental break before the special. I was doing tapping. Oh, you know, it's dark when someone's like, have you tried tapping? What is tapping? Tell me about tapping. No, should I tap? Oh, I'm showing my age. What is tapping? It's like an OCD kind of, right? You say something that's making you uncomfortable, but then you tap to like relax the nervous system. Like put yourself back in your body? I actually have no idea. I was in a dark place where like, I would have shoved something at my asshole if they were like, take this ice, Charlie Sheen it, and go on stage.

1:18:39Chuck Sheen this cuba. It's like an anxiety thing. Yeah. Basically, before the special, I started getting those thoughts where I was like, what's the worst thing that can happen? What if I can't form sentences? And then I kind of got obsessed with like, how did I ever form a sentence? What is a sentence? You can overthink how to walk. Well, in Babers, aka Polar, when you were on her show, she was saying very astutely, comedy is best when the person's relaxed. That's kind of the magic trick. And so is sports. You have to hold the racket lightly to play. Like when you're punching someone. Racing, you hold the steering wheel very lightly.

1:19:13You lose control if you go too tight. Yeah. So how did you overcome that and end up fucking winning the match against Netflix? So two weeks beforehand, I remember starting like crying to my mom because she's like, this bitch is calling again. And I was like, I'm fucking terrified. And I remember my husband going, you should be. It's scary. It's a big deal. It's scary. It's scary. it's nerve-wracking you have a lot of pressure people want you to fail you can be human he's like i freak out before specials too you're human i got a beta blocker subscription which saved my fucking life and i listened to like pumped up music i'm familiar with that side of myself that's like you've gotten crazy you've got the deep end i do think with stand-up what i like more than tennis is it's really hard to get in your head when you're talking there's no room where tennis it's fucking it's so loud yeah watching this asshole dribble and do their ocd ticks nadal's like kicking out everyone's tweaking stimming and with this i think what happened is the shows before i was really nervous and on stage i was like pretend you're shooting the special pretend you're shooting the special i was being really overly hard on myself so leading up to it was a nightmare and then the day of i took the beta blocker i was meditating with my mom before i went I was literally like, and I walked on stage and I was calm.

1:20:30You were like, oh, I know how to do this. And then I walked off and everyone was like, you did it. And then I was like, I did it. So the second time around of shooting my special, I didn't have the same. Oh, lovely. It was almost like exposure therapy. But it is so funny how in your most vulnerable moments, your demons come back. Of course. They're not gone for good. The shadow is doing pushups in the background at all times. The shadow's like, oh, we're up. Also, not to sound like an old basketball coach from Brooklyn, but I love the quote that even when it's raining, the hoop is always there.

1:21:00So it's the idea that like even when it looks like there's no opportunity and it's dark, like it's there. You just can't see it. Yeah, I like that. So I try to tell myself that. Very encouraging for it to come out and be number two right out of the gates. That was insane. Yeah, let's you know you're on the right path. Oh, I just have to say one thing I did see, which I absolutely loved, to watch someone act out my nightmare. Because even when we would do live shows 25 times in my head, I'd be like, we're in Minnesota backstage. We're in Minnesota. But Hannah had the moment where she was in Buffalo, New York.

1:21:32And she came on stage. She was like, what's up? No. Oh, my Lord. The searing delight I got in my fucking core watching that. I was like, oh, she did it. I had that moment where like, I have two ways I could go about this. I could gaslight them. Make them think that I didn't say that. And just keep going. They misheard. They made it up. Did she hear Boston? No, she must say Buffalo. She definitely, no, she's fine. She wouldn't have said Boston. But I'm like, my head was like hot, like, you know. Oh my God, yes. And then I was like, or I address it. But then these places, Buffalo, Boston, you don't fuck.

1:22:05No, that's good. That's bad. That's a horse. You want to do that in Minnesota. Yeah. Well, that's okay. Yeah, they're like, oh yeah, we love you. We love beer. Easy mistake, not really, but okay. This place, I started dying laughing. The thing is, the girls who listen to my pod and go to my comedy shows and the guys, they're so funny. We have this funny relationship where they make fun of me. So after the show, everyone's like, love your show in Boston. They're just like leaning into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it kind of became a shtick. I wish you got really known for it. So every time you did it, you could do a more abstract, funny one.

1:22:34And people would be looking forward to where you're going to say like, I'm in, what's up, Nairobi? You know, whatever it is. So my opener is now, because I kind of black out when I'm on the God mic. Like when you're on stage, you're good. But God mic, you're kind of not focused. And they're always like, Nebraska. And this is the day. And they have to kind of tell you that. But it's happened to me multiple times. And I'm here to tell this tale. I survived. You survived. Wait, so did you say like, sorry? Or were you like, I did it on purpose? She went straight into like celebrating the Buffalo Bills.

1:23:02Yeah, I go, go Bills! Because I'm like, no! I'm shocked you didn't get the team wrong, by the way. Oh my God. Buffalo Ravens! Actually in Texas once. Texas has so many fucking teams. And I accidentally said Texans instead of... Probably UT? The wrong place. Oh boy. I thought I was going to get stoned. Yeah. And I was like, we were good for like 30 minutes. and this is where they turn. But that's the high of stand-up. Yeah. Okay, so none of my business. Hulu, June 5th, premieres. You shot it in Toronto? Yes. This feels like an interesting choice. Explain it to me. I had done a lot of shows in New York.

1:23:37My three places I love filming is New York, Boston, Philly. People are loud. They're aggressive. They love chanting. They're smart. Yeah. They've had a long week. They're the star of the show, even if they're in the audience, is what you're - It's scary. I'm scared. They hold me hostage at the show. And they're just, their energy is like amazing. And also it's convenient since I'm in New York. Toronto, weirdly, I have this incredible following. And I know people shoot stuff there. And I had done New York earlier in the tour. So I'm like, I can't do New York. So Toronto just came naturally. My mom's like, why did you pick Toronto in February?

1:24:11Why couldn't we do Miami? Why couldn't we do something fun? Sure. But I really liked this one theater. Which one? La Bluma Appel Theater. It's like 900 seater. It feels really intimate. Even though it's a lot of people, it feels close. When you first do stand up, no one tells you when you get a special, they go, where do you want to shoot it? And you're like, where do people shoot it? And they're like, wherever you want. And I'm like, I haven't been like, I don't know where I am right now. I thought I was in Boston last week. The second time around, I was like writing down theaters I liked. And some of them have really good vibes, too.

1:24:42Yeah, you really do need a good vibe in the filming. I mean, even though it doesn't always come across in the film as great of a show sometimes, like you can't tell if the audience was really good or really bad. And also stand-ups, you don't really tell each other the spots. Stand-ups are a little gatekeepy sometimes. Like they're not like, this is my director. Like we're kind of like entrepreneurial where it's like you can ask, but that's their business. Yeah. So I did Blue Ma Pell, two shows. None of my business. One of my favorite. I got that saying from the program. I don't know if you heard your husband ever say that, but like what other people think is none of your business.

1:25:14At least I learned that there. Is that where it all stems from? I think it stemmed from that. But then it became kind of trendy. People being like things that are none of my business. And I have a joke that looking in the mirror is none of my business. Like I don't look in the mirror a lot. I don't fuck with the mirror. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. What do you say you go like you don't want to look in the first thing? Oh, yeah. I have information you don't need about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say over the course of my life, the amount of times I looked in the mirror and was pumped is like it's certainly under one percent.

1:25:43I've never been like, let's do this, man. I always say I am delusional. Like, I think I know what I look like. And it's the best photo I've ever taken. And when you walk into a room like that, even if you have fucking stuff in your teeth, it helps. Oh, confidence, everything. Oh, it's everything. I got to say that your hair looked fucking gorgeous in that special. How many hours went into that? That was fake. It was, okay, that helps. But also, you kind of come in with extensions and like, this guy was going in. And at one point I was like, there's a dead animal on my head. It's getting heavy.

1:26:14It was heavy. And also when you're a comic, you're yourself, right? And I'm used to going on stage, you know, I'm in some city and I'm tired and I did makeup like five minutes before. So when I walked on, I was like, who am I right now? And I was saying bits about like being part time hot and stuff. And people like weren't laughing at much. I was like, oh, because I look like a different person. I did four hours of makeup and people don't talk about how it's a different presentation when you look so different. Nikki's very great about this. Yes. She's like, you can catch me on one day and I look like this.

1:26:45And then her joke was, another day I'm Dax. She said, sometimes I'm Kristen Bell. Yeah, that was in one of her specials. No, it wasn't. She goes, sometimes I'm looking, I'm like, this is working, I'm hot. And you might go to bed with Kristen Bell, but you're going to wake up with Dax. That is so funny. You don't remember? That was in the first interview. And she's like, I hope you got there. And I'm like, I did. You look like a dude, not that I look like an ugly dude. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. You're like, you're lucky you could look like me. Yeah. Strong. It's a good joke. Go to bed as Kristen Bell and wake up as Max.

1:27:12It's so funny. So funny. So how do you decide what we're going to tackle next? Is it like writing songs? You're just like hoping things hit you? I do have to say, all I cared about was getting that first Netflix special. And then when I finished it, I was like, they need another? That's crazy. It took me six years. Like, you need another? And what's tough about stand-up as opposed to like musicians that could play a great song all the time is it feels like winning the Super Bowl, doing your Netflix special. and then you go back to the club and it feels like you have to learn how to play football again.

1:27:44You can't do your classics. It's burned. It's like a stand-up rule. So I'm literally going on stage like, cankles? Sorry. I'm like, what is funny? But it helped me grow as a comic to realize I wasn't just funny because I had these tested and true jokes from the first special. I was funny because I was being myself. And let's now grow in how I express myself. Yeah, you have a lot of physicality and there's a lot of just you being fucking goofy as hell. Thank you. I think I'm goofier in this special, this one. Yeah. I think it's a little more confidence, maybe. It's infectious. I guess that's the word.

1:28:18I feel childlike when I'm on stage. That's great. Because no one could tell me to like stop. I'm like, I got the microphone. Yeah. I could do whatever I want. Now, are you more nervous because you do some crowd work in this as well? Are you more nervous to do crowd work when it's being filmed versus live? I feel like the stakes are higher. So this time around, I actually did a lot less crowd work on tour. Like I was like, I'm getting my hour. But some people would come to see the crowd work. So I have my moments. I do it for this. What I did was I do my material and then I kind of just went off for like 20 minutes at the end doing crowd work.

1:28:49So I'm like in the 30 minutes, I will get a couple of beats. So but I also was like, even if I have no crowd work, I know I have the special I'm proud of. So the crowd work to me was just kind of a cherry on top. But it is like a new thing that it's like, put it in if it's good and you're special. I did keep some girl message me saying there's a bachelorette party here tonight, which I'm like, fuck, like, that's not what I need for my special. So I'm like, I'm going to address it in the beginning. So I'm like, hey, who has a bachelorette tonight? No one says anything. And I'm just like, like, so awkward.

1:29:19I'm like, you guys are leaving me for dead. And finally, someone's like, whoo. And I'm like, you Canadian ass, polite, quiet bachelorette. Like, fuck you guys for embarrassing me. Sorry. Literally, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. I swear you're celebrating. And I'm like, well, tonight's about me. So shut the fuck up, Alexa. But I have a crowd work at the end. That's something I always do. So I ask guys, have they ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? Yeah, this was stressful when I was watching it because I'm like, what would I say? It's an abstract question. It is such a fucked up question.

1:29:53Yeah, so say it again. You ask dudes. Have you ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? So they know immediately there's a right and wrong answer. and they overthink it a lot. What would you say? I think I would say filled. So then you're saying how does sex feel? Oh, yeah. What's the question? Have you ever? Oh, have I thought? Oh, God, yeah, tons. A ton of men are just like, no. One guy said stabbing, and I was like, we got to stop. Everyone's upset. We got to go home. But yeah, guys give the funniest answers. When I say what adjective, and I explain adjective as a describing word, would you use for how it feels like?

1:30:32And they go white. Do you think they're afraid to answer? They don't want to say it wrong. Well, A, they're in a crowd of 90 plus percent women. And it's all the cock girls. Like my crowd is just like hot successful girls. Like, boo! And the guy doesn't want to get stoned. This guy says warm? A guy said warm, which is my favorite answer. Wow, that's sweet. Because it makes no fucking sense. No, no, no. It must be Mike waved his cock before. I'm warm. You feel warm when you're in me. I've never been cold and been like if only I had a dick in me I'd be warm maybe he meant like warm fuzzies no he panicked maybe his dick runs hot nope we don't know but all these boyfriends are coming to the show which creates this great tension because they want to be made fun of like they'll sit in the front someone will DM me like hey my boyfriend's sitting next to me his name's this like go in on him and the guys like it but with that tension And I love trying to like make us understand each other.

1:31:30You've already filtered out a lot of dudes. No single guys are coming to the show. No single guys. Well, they should. Bunch of hot girls. If they were smart, they would. And I feel like the guys are liking it because they know that I'm not trying to make it for them. And then they're like, oh, that was actually really funny. It was like a really fun time. I had these younger guys message me. They're like, we actually learned a lot about sex. They're like, that was birth and kill Tony. Like, I really laughed a lot. And I was like, oh, I made it. I made it. But I'm of this opinion of like, there's like a divide between men and women right now.

1:31:59And I love trying to connect us and help us understand each other. But through the tension of comedy and the guys asking them these questions is so fucking funny. I know there's been fights going home in the car with some couples, but like, I hope they grew from it. There always are. A good comedy show always. A little post reflection. Yeah, there's been some Chris Rock ones where you're like, oh, everyone's fucked. Everyone here. Like when he's talking about cheating on his wife and he's like, Like when I tell women, they're like, I cannot believe you did that. When I tell men and they're like, oh, my God, only two.

1:32:30You must really love her. Like, what is that car ride home going to be like when he lays that joke out? I mean, I know. But I do I do like to kind of be that female locker room talk to make girls feel less embarrassed about things going on. But then also like guys in on like, you know, this actually is how we're feeling. Yeah. Just changing the world. And then the last thing we have to talk about is you're about to do a scripted show on Netflix with Polar and Kay Cannon, who I love Kay to death. It's in the very early stages. Again, I don't like being put in a box. Amy loves Giggly Squad. I can't even wrap my head around it.

1:33:06We can share the elation one feels when Polar likes your show. There's nothing quite like it. I heart Amy Polar. I'm like, okay, stop complimenting me. Do you have any advice for going from stand up to scripted? I've gotten to see you now in the stand-up special in interviews there's a version of you right now that is absolutely my favorite you're chameleon like thank you yeah in this beautiful way you've got a lot of different facets but this version of you is what I want to see in a scripted show there's nothing protective about this and I want to watch this for hours now I'm gonna cry oh do it we love tears now we're all gonna cry you did a great job You won the match.

1:33:48I'm proud of you.

1:33:53He's like, check mark. You get a gold star. But let's just shout out Kay Cannon. Oh, my God. The fucking greatest. Well, yeah, Kay. I think she actually like was into Bravo. That's what's fun. Everything I've done kind of comes full circle. Kay is such a powerhouse. So I'm taking this as like, I'm going to learn a lot from these like incredible women that have done this before me and try to add my own spin to it. I feel like I'm about to enter a really, really tough college class. with the best professors ever. Yeah, and I'm just trying to be a sponge to learn from them. How fun. Yeah, I'm delighted that that's your steward.

1:34:26To be anointed by those two is meaningful. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I just booked my first small role in a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've been auditioning for like two years. Nice. I'm like, nothing. Like, my husband would make fun of me all the time. I'm like, I still could get it. And he's like, it's been four years. I'm like, they go through a lot of people. Yeah, it's on VOD already. It's not easy. So I've been like doing my auditions and stuff and I finally booked something and I was like, holy fuck. And what do you think you figured out from that? I didn't try that hard in the audition.

1:34:53It's always the one that you're like, I don't fucking want to meet this one. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Always. I don't fucking. Every time. That's the trick you have to constantly get to is like. I was like, I'm never going to get this. Before I was like, this is for me. Yeah. This is going to be mine. This is mine to lose. You're welcome. I'm here. Yeah. Yeah. This is literally mine to lose. Oh. Oh, 43-year-old Jewish karate expert. Fuck. What, have they been watching me? It's a whole new thing, and I might not like it, but I'm delving into seeing. Well, luckily, we have four fallback jobs, so you'll be fine.

1:35:27You also just need to remember that. You can always come back to being a coach. I want to take lessons. Maybe you can teach me. I would love. And I want you to be really hard on me. I want you to hurt me. I was so mean to me. Did you play any sports? I was a cheerleader. I was a competition cheerleader. State champion two years in a row. Wait, that's fucked up. Girls are getting thrown. Oh, yeah. You're getting thrown. You're doing flips. She was getting caught by her pussy. She fell on her head. Yeah, I fell on my head. I got caught. Well, you know, I am pretty into the CTE world. I don't think I have it, but I can't rule it out.

1:35:56She has some CTE jokes in her special. I love CTE. I'm obsessed with CTE. Yeah, yeah. She loves it. I think most of us have it. I dated a football player in college, and I did CTE charity for free. Wow. The thing is they make you feel so tiny. Because, you know, I have big calves. I can't be with one of these, like, poets. Would this guy pick you up and stuff? In the special, I joke that, like, most guys to pick me up. Like, they can. Like, I'm 5 '7". I'm not, like, massive. But they have to do a whole breath thing. Like, they're not doing it easy. You were demonstrating to live with your legs.

1:36:24He could live with his back. I'm bottom heavy. So, yeah, he could throw his back and then... This guy was chucking me over his back. Oh, that's fine. Yeah. Treating you like nunchucks. That's a fucking feather. I was a little feather in the breeze. I felt so dainty. Yes. There are trade-offs for these things. I was so tired. Brain damage. But no, definitely, we didn't even have to figure CTE out for sure. Yeah. Okay, well, maybe we could pair up on this. I didn't know. Yeah. I didn't know you were so into it. I think we could start something. Monica's passionate about it. I do bring it up a lot.

1:36:51It's out here. I know I'm talking about it. I know. She has freaked several guests out where she's like, do you think you have CTE? I'm like, Monica, that is not a question. She's taking notes. Yeah. I'm like, ask somebody. So I'm just curious. So. Have you been tested for HIV? I mean that's it's as bad as saying that I also am kind of it's kind of worse there's medication for fucking this does feel like a doctor slash interview where you're like there's a gap were you just doing cocaine I did call my friend recently and I was like so just have you been tested recently for AIDS because he had hiccups and on ER but everyone needs that friend keep them on their toes exactly he was like I haven't had sex in a year and I was like but you can get it other ways yeah there's other ways what other ways intravenous drug use yeah no stepping on needles.

1:37:34People wear flip-flops. That's right. And he wears flip-flops. And sometimes you shake your feet. I'd love to see the date on how many HIV positive folks stepped on needles. Have you ever sat in a movie theater seat and got stabbed by a needle? They tell you to look at the movie theater seat before you sit down. There's definitely a subway that that's happened. Exactly. Thank you. That's all I'm saying. Please find the person for me. I'd love to interview them. Hannah, this has been delightful from the bottom of my heart. You're such a delightful guest. You guys are incredible. Thank you for inspiring me to podcast.

1:38:03And this is just an honor to be on here. We're so happy to have you. Everyone watch None of My Business on June 5th on Hulu or Disney Plus. If you've coupled it or whatever they call it. Just find it. Bundled it. If you've bundled it. And steal your. Go to Disney app. That's what I have to do. Your ex-boyfriend's password if you have to. And then keep your eyes peeled for the Netflix scripted show. Monica will be on it. Yeah, I'll be on it. Hell yeah. Maybe a CTE episode. yeah yeah oh my god oh my god shit's just fucking chills right in itself you know sometimes your whole world comes together yeah it makes sense it starts making sense that's our main storyline actually oh shit oh sounds funny alright love you guys bye bye stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong well I'm not I'm wearing a merch shirt yeah we're both wearing merch Because we have new merch coming.

1:39:01We have new merch. Not now, but coming. Coming like next week. In a week. So go ahead and put it on your calendar. We have new merch dropping and it's all very cool. There's a limited edition sweat. Not this one, but there is a limited edition sweatshirt that is. Meaning it says limited edition. It does and is what it claims to be. It's true to its name. Yes. And it is so cute. But all of it's so cute and I feel like it's very chic. It's simple. It's wearable. and I'm very happy with it. Very happy with this new collection. Yeah, you work very hard on it and I appreciate it and so does Rob. Yes.

1:39:38You didn't tell me that, but I know it. June 15th. June 15th. So that is a week from today. Yes. Put it in your cow, guys. Set an alarm. Do it. Set the loudest alarm you have. I did have to take off the shirt I was wearing, which was going to be a conversation starter for us. Oh. You already saw it in the interview we just did. You can tell people what it said. I've only had oatmeal today. Right. Which apparently is my saying. Apparently. In our family lexicon, that is what the family says I say. Yes. Five days a week. And I'm inclined to believe them. Yeah. And so now I have a t-shirt that says it.

1:40:19I know. And Kristen got a shirt that says her saying. And her saying is, does anyone want to go to bed early tonight? Right. She announces that every single night at 5 p.m. Do you want to hear a story? Yes. Okay, so we went to Nashville. Yes. And Lincoln and I went on the 6 a.m. flight. Yeah. Crack acid on. Yeah. I was very happy she was willing to do this. We had to leave the house at like 4 in the morning. Yeah. And she's 13. I wasn't trying to get up at 4 in the morning when I was 13. Mm-hmm. And she could have gone at night with Delta and Lincoln. or Delta and Kristen. And she came with me, which was really great.

1:41:00And we had a really busy day. We landed and we immediately went and got the boat. She helped me put the boat in the water. Then she's like, let's go to, let's go get something to eat at Sam's on the lake. And I was like, oh, my dream. It's my favorite restaurant on the lake. We go there. Yeah. Docking the boat, dock it, get out, go to put the rope around the cleat. And you already know this about me, but for the folks that don't know, I have two pair of reading glasses and I refuse to take them out of where I use them. One stays in here because I have to read in here and then one stays in my nightstand.

1:41:36Right. And they never leave. Other than if I travel, I bring the one pair down. What if you need it upstairs? I'll come grab them from here, but I'll return them from here. So, okay. And the point is I will not bring them to a restaurant where I need them the most. I cannot read any menus anymore. I'm the guy in the restaurant that has the bright light on a menu so I can see it. Okay. And to the point where Del's was like, why don't you bring your glasses? And I'm like, I'm too afraid to lose them. She's like, why don't you get a cheap pair? Exactly. Which is a great solution. Anyways, I broke this rule.

1:42:09I was like, I'm going to bring my glasses to the restaurant and I'll be able to read the menu. Right. And they were in my shirt collar. and when I bent over to put the rope on the cleat, they immediately just fell off of my shirt collar into the water. Yes. And I just watched them sink to the bottom of this very murky area where people park boats next to a restaurant on a lake. Yep. But I get to a point where I have let it go. Okay. By the end of the night, I've let it go. We have a wonderful time. We have a very fun lunch on the floating dock. And also were you like, Like, I mean, I'm the smartest.

1:42:47I just knew. I knew I wasn't supposed to bring these. I'm validated. Everyone sucks. I didn't feel vindicated or validated. You didn't? I just went to straight, like, God damn it. Those were expensive. I love them. I knew I shouldn't have taken them out. Yeah. I was just in trouble, not like I was right. Okay. I come up with a plan. That's what it is. Okay. I'm going to get, Lincoln says it. Why don't you get one of those fishing magnets? I go, what the hell is a fishing magnet? She's never seen these fishing magnets. So people use these magnets at the bottom of lakes and oceans. And they pick their metal.

1:43:17They pick a metal. Oh, okay. So you hadn't given up on them. No, we're still like, how do we get them back loosely? And she's like, you should get this magnet thing. So I order it that day, maybe even at the dinner. Okay. It arrives that following day. And I'm like, well, before we drive out there, I have the same frames in sunglasses. Let's see if they even are... magnetic or would be picked up by a magnet. Yeah. Test it. No. Oh, ouch. So I'm like, oh, now you bought this thing. But this thing also came with this weird hook that you drag. It looks a little bit like the hook in the machine you drop down to win a stuffed animal.

1:43:57Right. So it's got that. So Lincoln is like, we'll go back and we'll use the hook and we'll drag it along the bottom. I'm like, that's not going to work. Okay. But I recognize how sweet it is that she really wants to get my glasses back. So all four of us drive up, not on the boat, but in the car. We go, we had filmed where it happened. So we'd know exactly where they went in. And we start doing the hook thing. We're doing that for probably 10 minutes. No luck, of course. And Delta goes, I'm going in. Oh, no. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I brought my bathing suit. I said to myself, my dad does so many nice things for me.

1:44:38If I'm not willing to get in there and find those glasses, what am I doing? And I go, hold on. You brought your bathing suit in anticipation that you might have to get in and try to find them. She's like, yes, Monica, this water could not be murky. No, I don't want her to go in there. Yeah. It's like, it's about, it was probably two and a half, three feet deep next to the dock. And it is murky as it gets. And boats are coming in and out and it's getting churned up and fuck knows what's on the bottom of this. Oh, there's actually bacterias, too. She got in there in her bathing suit and she was using her feet to feel around this whole area.

1:45:12God knows also where they floated to. What if there's knives down there? That was a concern of mine. But I was so moved by this little girl. And people would walk by and Delta's just like up to her shoulders with her trying to find my glasses with her feet. It is suggested that if we had a snorkeling mask, we could probably. No one's face should go fucking down there. I was swimming the lake. So I wasn't terrified about that. So Kristen is deployed to go to the gas station dock, you know, 200 yards away to see if they have snorkeling masks. She thinks she's seen that in there. I'm like, they don't have that in there.

1:45:47Whatever. She's on her walk back. I see she's not holding a snorkeling mask. I go, no snorkeling mask. She goes, the diver will be here in 30 minutes. Oh, my God. I go, what? She goes, yeah. I was in there trying to buy a mask. And the guy that worked there said, you know, there's a diver that works on the lake. That's all he does is he gets shit out. Oh, that's his job. It's 150 bucks. The glasses were more than that. Oh, okay. So we wait a half hour. This dude rolls up in a pickup truck. He gets out. He drops the bed of his truck. He's got his snorkel equipment. He's just in board shorts. Older dude.

1:46:24And a little chit-chat with him. He was lovely. He hops in, Monica. He hopped in. And then he hopped out. and I was like, oh, something's wrong with his regulator or something. He's holding them. Yeah. He's fucking holding them. Wow. The celebration we had, we'd been there at that point for over an hour trying to get these glasses. I had written them off. He went down and he came right up and fucking had them. Then we got to talking to him about that job. What has he found? What stuff does he get called in? What has he found? Bridge. Someone lost their bridge. Not to be confused with a car bridge.

1:46:58Their teeth. teeth oh that front rack of teeth people get called a bridge said some dude's bridge fell out while he was swimming he's like i'm never gonna be able to find these teeth he said he went down and it's just like dark bottom he's just he's smiling teeth looking at him god how clean like how clean oh he said he put the teeth immediately in his mouth He said he took him out of his hand and popped him in his mouth. That is so disgusting. Well, that's rural living, my friend. That is so disgusting. He got a parasite. He won't look for rings. And if he calls into Armchair Anonymous, I won't have compassion.

1:47:38You're not going to. Okay. He won't look for rings. He's like, it's a lost cause. Of all of the things, that's the thing. These are too tiny. It goes into the silt. There's just no way you're going to find it. He's not that committed. No, I think he's learned the hard way. Well, he's getting paid. He should look. What if it's right there? Yeah. In his experience, you can't really find a ring. Okay, well, let me challenge that. One time I was at the beach with Anthony and Allison and some other people. And Anthony dropped his wedding ring in the sand. This is death, you know. You're not finding it.

1:48:20But we were like, we're going to find it. We found it. But did he ever leave the area he was standing when it fell off? Does he know exactly? He must have exactly where it fell off. So you at least had like a perimeter. Well, we were all sitting. We were all sitting and hanging. So it was like, okay, it's like ground here. How long did it take to find it? I don't remember how long it took. But like, and you know the thing when you're like scooping up the sand, but then it's going deeper. Yeah. It's going deeper. But it was found. So miracles can happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah, people do find rings. But this guy has learned that he's going to be out there for two hours and he's not going to get the ring.

1:48:58And the people are going to want him to keep looking. And he already charged, you know, you're not hiring him for the full day for$150. He can have a two-hour limit for$150. But he should still do it. Because if he finds someone's wedding ring, engagement ring, like, that's huge. The amount of joy. Yeah, the amount of joy. I was pretty pumped about my ring glasses. Okay. I don't have wedding rings, so I can't. So how'd you clean it or did you put it right back on your face? I put it in my mouth. Good. I'm going to clean these off with my mouth. Oh my God. Yeah, I did. I did clean them when I got home.

1:49:29There's a little scratch, but I can't see it when I got the glasses on. Okay, good. I'm delighted. I had written them off. Like the whole trip there, I was just being a good team player. I was like, my children want to help their dad. So I'm going to go and allow that. And no hope of getting the glasses. So when he popped back out with my glasses, it was like Christmas. That's exciting. It was very exciting. Now, what have we learned from this? That you're going to get some cheap ones to kind of move around the world in? I think you should. I think I should, too. I just I'm trying to imagine when I'm going to do that.

1:50:04Dax, I need you to just for one second. Imagine this was reversed. And I told you this story. Yeah. I know you'd be like, OK. So there's a really good solution that you're just not doing. Yeah. You know what I would do? I'd go, what's your prescription? No, you wouldn't. And I'd stop at the drug store and buy you readers. And I'd come in one day and I'd go, here's your readers. That's a lie. You wouldn't do that. You'd be like, you know what? If you can't help yourself with this just very basic solution, you don't deserve it. That's what you would say to me with your mind. All right. And sometimes with your mouth.

1:50:41Okay. So I want you to just order eight, eight glasses that are cheap. I guess I could order them. I also associate readers with the drugstore because that's where I do have a couple of cheap sets of readers, but they don't work, obviously, as well as my. I mean, they won't work as well, but that's not for your major. That's just for dinner. You're right. So just get eight to ten pairs. I should probably buy eight of them. I should leave a bunch on the boat. Everywhere. Yeah. Everywhere I look, there's just cheap glasses. That's right. Just every restaurant you go to frequently? Oh, yeah. Mail it to them.

1:51:14Ask them, is there a place I can keep these? Yeah, exactly. By the way, restaurants should have four or five different prescription readers. And then when they see a guy like me pull out his flashlight, they just swing by and they're like, well, you plus four. I don't even know how it works, but plus 105. I just, I think liability wise because of eye sicknesses, pink eye. You think that's what's preventing them? I just think they haven't had the idea. But that would be that little touch. That would be cool. Like that's what Noma would have. Oh, you mean Nobu? No, Noma. Noma. Noma. You just learned about Noma.

1:51:52No, I knew about Noma. You did? Yeah, friends were going there. When we were in Norway, or no, when we were in Denmark, friends were like, oh, we're going to be in Denmark. And they were going just for that restaurant. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Yeah. Okay, I have an update. Okay. I think some people have seen this, but if you haven't, if you listen to the Luke Malone Elizabeth Letourne fact check, that's the one where I told a harrowing story about me almost pooping in my car. Uh-huh. And I had left a friend's house where I was playing Mahjong. Yeah. And. We debriefed. We debriefed. And I told the story.

1:52:32Yeah. The people whose house I was at didn't know about the story. Okay. And I didn't say who they were on the fact check, but I did think, God, it might get back to them. But, you know. Yeah. And so the other day, I get a call. Okay. Okay? And we're recording. And I see that this person's calling me. And I get kind of nervous. You know, anytime someone who doesn't normally call you calls you, it's a little nerve-wracking. But then he left me a voicemail. Hey, Monica. It's Andy. I was just thinking about you. and I know this is kind of random, but I just had this thought. Like if you're ever at our house and you need to use the primary bathroom, you can definitely do that.

1:53:17We would be more than honored for you to use that restroom. And we know it can be a little awkward in our house, sort of like if you need a little extra privacy or something. Because there are two doors to the primary. You can close the bedroom door and then you can close the bathroom door. It gives more privacy. That's a better one because the other one, also there's the new wallpaper, which we wouldn't want. to have exposed to anything. But you are welcome, welcome with open arms to use that bathroom anytime you need. Yeah, all right. Well, so that was very funny. I saw a text. It was this voicemail.

1:53:52It's just, it's written out. Oh, and then you wrote, I don't know what you're talking about. That's very funny, your response. Oh, then yes, I responded. I said, I said, what did I say? I want to hear that part. Okay, so I listened to the voicemail And then he later was like, did you get my voicemail? Yeah. And I said, wow, what a random thing to tell me. It's appreciated, but I have no idea why you would possibly tell me that. I don't ever need to go to the bathroom. And if I do, I prefer to use my car, but thanks. I prefer to use my car. Okay. So that, you know. That's great. That was. Like, give me permission.

1:54:34This isn't an I told you so, but I'm just saying that was my prediction. They'd feel so honored to have you go extra hard in there. I know. I mean, I knew that they would be fine with it, but I'm still not fine with it. You're not fine with it. And, you know, Jess is really struggling with this story. He's frustrated with you. He really is actually like, I can't believe that you wouldn't just go in that house. I'm sure he's in the same zone I get where I actually get a little angry at you about the farting. It's just like I don't like the idea of you being miserably uncomfortable because of your shyness or your fear people are going to judge you or exclude you.

1:55:17I don't like that thought for you. I know. Well, let me tell you. Those are different because I never need to fart and I'm not farting. I don't. I promise. Monica. Dax. this isn't that scenario. Okay, but now, hold on. This is, we're jabbing the beehive here. All right, jab away. But your previous position and our previous arguments always centered around the fact that, no, you do have to fart as much as me, but I am a boy who is arrogant and I just think I'm entitled to fart. And I've suggested that there must be something biologically different about you and I, because I have to fart all the time.

1:55:59And the notion I could not fart during the day is insane to me. But you're telling me you are not at all resisting the urge to fart. I'm not. But I think that's learned body behavior. Like, because I didn't, I just don't. I don't out of respect or I didn't out of respect for so long. Like, I don't have to. I just think you don't have to. And then you're giving yourself the compliment that you're respectful. But you're not even fighting the urge. well now I don't know what position to take that's right you've really you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner on this I don't I'm not gassy there we go I'm not that's great but I think even even if I was yeah I mean I guess look in my life have there been times where I'm like oh like okay like I kind of need I gotta hold it yeah um that's a funny thought holding a fart I know As if you could grab it.

1:56:54Hold it in. I mean, but yeah, I would. I would hold it in. I wouldn't just let it out. Right. But if you had 63 of those urges in a day. We got to get on some medicine. You might go, I can't. What am I talking about? I can't go through life like this. Well, this is interesting because when I was telling the, you know, I was telling the Elizabeth and Andy story to Anthony and Allison, my other two friends that I was playing Mahjong with. Because also I was like, if you guys heard that story, just it's not your house. Oh, okay. You know, I needed to tell them. Oh, sure. And so then we got on this conversation about farts and like, I, okay.

1:57:31You know how you can like control the sound by kind of like pulling your butt cheek apart? Yeah. Hyper extending your butt cheeks. Like you can pull it apart and create more of an airway. Well, less resistance for the air to make noise against. Right. So it's just coming straight out. It does make a sound if you do that. Have you done that? I can't imagine why you would need to do that. I have done it. I have done that. You've done that. But not like. In what context? For fun? I mean. Maybe in bed for fun. Like, yeah. Just like running little experiments. Like, I don't even like to hear it on my own, really.

1:58:11Oh, I do. I do. I know. You're sick. Yeah. Okay. But. It's a hilarious noise. But. like yeah i get embarrassed i'll like be embarrassed by myself wow yeah i have a high high high level of embarrassment yeah so you're in your bed by yourself and you go you hear and you're like oh my god monica like you have a i don't say oh monica what are you doing are you monica stop it no i'm just like i just would get like oh you get startled yeah i would get startled I get a flush of embarrassment and kind of like, I hope nobody saw her, but you know, no one's there. Can I urge you to mount this topic with your therapist to see what she has to say about this?

1:58:53You really sound like Jess because he's like, what? He's basically like, what's going on with your embarrassment, which is, I know what's going on. Like, yes, I had a deep, deep fear of getting ostracized. So I was not embarrassing. and I'm very aware of doing anything embarrassing. And unfortunately for the people in my life, I'm extremely aware of when other people are doing things that are embarrassing as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get secondhand very, very easily. For sure. But you would look at me currently. Uh-oh, arriving now. Rob, can you pick up our arrow on because of Dax's? Colostrum addiction.

1:59:39This is press milk addiction. You would hear me say, I have enormous fear that I'm going to be financially insolvent. Yeah. And you would go, Dax, you got to get over that. That's an old fear that like doesn't even make sense now. It makes zero sense. And you being ostracized, this doesn't make any sense anymore. Well, I've never farted and it was so stinky around people. I've never done that. You have secured finances. So like, no, but hold on in our friendship group. Many of us fart. The men, not the women. I mean, they do, but they don't. They don't like out, out and about like you guys do.

2:00:21Anyway, this is circling back to like my whole point. Okay. So you guys. Do you go grocery shopping? No, yeah. I also ordered a sandwich. Oh. So you got like produce in there. Oh, thank you. This is Dax's colostrum arrived again. Thank you, Rob. Cow breast milk is here. I have no idea if something is going to smell or not. Okay. Like when it's in my body. Because you don't fart enough. Maybe. But there's no way for me to know this. And I do think it's arrogant for you guys to be like, oh, I know this one is going to smell. Well, hold on. If you have a lot of farts and you let them out a lot, I'm sure Rob will agree with me.

2:01:07You have a sensation. Rob doesn't fart a lot. Oh, that's right. He's not a big farter. But he farts a ton by himself. Do you? My point is you often, there's a signature heat. There's a heat signature. In the body? In the bowels, yeah. Where you're like, oh, this is not safe for public consumption. Oh, my God. You do, right? Yeah, you can feel when they are going to be putrid. This is, okay, I do need people to comment. I really do. I need people to comment and say whether you experience this or not. And if in your gender, please. Now, am I wrong? Yeah. A lot of times I'm like, I think we're good.

2:01:48Or I've already tooted three or four times and I didn't smell anything. And I think we're just good for the day. And then it turns. but in general, I would say with 80 % accuracy, I know whether they're going to smell or not. Okay. Now the original question I wanted to ask is the technique of - I have incredible sphincter control. Spreading your butt cheek. Oh, uh-huh. To let it out. Can we talk more about when you did that? Hold on. Okay. I'm trying to picture you reaching back. You couldn't have been in public. Yeah, that's my whole point. Okay. so that there's no smell. I mean, I'm so sorry that there's no sound.

2:02:30Can you do that hands-free? Make it quiet? Yeah. Yeah. How? You have to really slowly and gently let it leak out. You can't push. You get that sensation when you have heart. It's like uncomfortable when you got to push. It's almost like you got to pop it, you know? Well, you got to get it out. You got to get it out. And so your body tells you to push it. Like your nature is to be in the woods and push it out and get that gas out of there. Sure. But you can. This is why I would probably be good at anal. I can relax. I have good control and I can relax. No, but relaxing. There's a way to relax where it's just letting it slowly leak out.

2:03:13If you're a pro. Rob. Yeah, I know what he's talking about. Hands free. But you're using your weight to shift. What do you mean? Like. I can't. Gyrating around. I was having this conversation with them and like some of them claim they can go hands free. And I was like, that's insane. And here you are. And I think you can because I rarely hear it. But you do say like, oh, I farted or oh, does it smell? And I haven't heard anything. So I guess I didn't know if you just had nonverbal. Nonverbal farts. Yeah. No, I have verbal farts. But for the most part, I can dampen. You know, I can modulate. And have you ever been wrong about that?

2:04:03Sure. Like you thought you were okay. Oh, that's a noise. Oh. Now, Aaron, I don't think can do that. You've heard Aaron's farts, right? Yeah. They're infamous. Yeah, they're high pitched. It sounds like when you take a balloon and you just let the little bit of air squeak out by pulling it apart. Okay. It's the highest pitched. Okay. I don't think he'd be good at anal. Do we think he has just a very tight bone? That's what I'm just saying. I don't think he would be good at. I think that's what I'm dealing with. You think you have an extra tight? Yeah. Well, that's a nice compliment. Do you want to call?

2:04:36Just, I just know my body, like imagining doing that hands-free. Are yours squeaky? They're not. Are they thunderous? Squeaky. Or thunderous. God, I want them to be thunderous. They're not thunderous. Because you're so tiny. Every now and then. If I was like, I came into your house and you didn't know and I was like walking around downstairs and then I just heard like really bassy. I would be delighted. You know, that little tiny person up there that sounds like an elephant. I mean, I would venture to say because I don't fart a lot. Right. If I do, if I must. Yeah, when you must. Um, if, uh, yeah, there's a lot of air.

2:05:24Yeah, sure. Cause, cause if I only have a little air, I just, it goes back up in my body. Okay. It becomes a burp or leaks out of your skin. Oh, I never burp. Okay. Wow. That's like, sometimes when you are burping so much, I think it's a tick actually. Oh yeah, I know you've got a lot of - Which sometimes I do kind of think it's a little bit of a tick for you, but that's okay. I love it. I can direct, I know my ticks. It's not a tick. I don't think you know. Okay. Because I don't think you always know you're doing it. I think sometimes you're like burping and stuff and it's going unnoticed. Like you, because it's a tick.

2:05:58But also I do think. You can't have that as a tick because you can't manufacture gas in your. Well, you can swallow air, but I've never been able to do that. Oh, automatic burp. Yeah. Like I always had friends in junior high. I can do that. Do it. Right on command. That was good. I bet he can fart on command. I bet he does fart on command, but he's not letting us know. Why don't you trust us? Why don't you trust us? Don't you feel a little betrayed by it now? No, I want everyone to be very open around me. Yeah, you just don't want to be open. Sometimes it does. Look, sometimes. Jess. That's because he's your brother and your husband.

2:06:36Exactly. And when it's your brother. And he farts a lot. Well, he doesn't around me. Oh, he doesn't. You've broken up that. Or does he step outside a lot? No. You know me. I call it out in a way. I do out in a way. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Out in a way is nice because that's not, that's not endangering anyone or disrespecting anyone in the space. Yeah. Jess has learned, and I do feel, I guess I feel guilty about this, but do I? Not really. Yeah. But when it's your brother husband. You're smart enough to know you should say you feel guilty, but in your heart you don't feel guilty. I don't, I don't. But when it's your brother husband, I also think it's a little bit on you.

2:07:18Like, remember when you told, you guys say, like, if there's, like, a big hair coming out of your nose or something, like, it's on your spouse to say, I'm getting that out. Specifically, we went out to eat with a couple, and the man had several long, very noticeable hairs growing out of his nose. And we left, and I said, she does not love him. And they got divorced, like, three months later. That's a real story. it was the only indicator about the nose hairs or was there was some other me was a big like what is going on in this relationship i can see from across the table that he has three or four very prominent hairs growing out of his nose you're sitting next to him i know well you didn't need glasses to read the menu why aren't you telling your husband about but do you I think, okay, but there is some people are really sensitive, really sensitive.

2:08:14And maybe she had tried before and maybe he was like, stop being so critical of me. And so maybe she's learned like, okay, I don't think that's a place I can go. That's possible, obviously. But I have been in several relationships. I know a lot of people in relationships. And that is why you're in a fucking relationship. So that you can have one person you're not sensitive around. that can pop the zits on your back. You can fart around. It's just too exhausting to be hiding all this disgustingness that we all carry. And that's what the point of it is. I'm linking up with someone to just fucking drop the charade, be myself, and hopefully they love me.

2:08:55But you're already doing that. You're already farting and stuff. Well, but I'm very sensitive about my anus, as you know. I've talked about it a lot. And I have let Kristen shave my anus for work. And that's not something I'm like going to line up to let people do. Why don't you show it on here and get real long? No, I already showed it on. This is where I leave you. Watch that movie if you want to see Dex's anus. They didn't use the take with my anus on display. Thank God. It would have given him a different rating for sure. You think it's that. Okay. Maybe this is ding, ding, ding connecting to the fart silencing.

2:09:29Like maybe you guys who can let it out with silence. Maybe you guys have huge assholes. I don't think mine is bigger. Let's call Aaron. Let's ask him if he can go hands-free. I have seen Aaron's anus, of course. And it's tight. It looks the same as mine, but both of us agree it's a very unattractive part of us. Well, of everyone. That's best to not ever be looked at. Not everyone. Often women have beautiful buttholes. Yeah, print it. Quote it. Print it. Clip it. Send it. Send it directly to Daily Mail or whatever one hates me. Yeah. Beautiful. Okay. That's just because you're attracted to women.

2:10:16But I like. No. If you showed like 10 pictures of men's assholes and 10 pictures of women's assholes to AI and you said which one's more disgusting. For sure AI. Without any. Why would they be that different? They're hairy. Well, women. Okay. That's stigma. that stigma, okay? Even if they're Harry Monica, men have more hair on their butt than women. We can say that. On their butt cheeks. And their cheeks and their chin and their mustache. Right. Yes, they do. But also, I'm just saying like women do and then you shave or wax or whatever. I've seen hair on women's buttholes. Or you get electrolysis.

2:10:58And it did not look like hair on men's buttholes. I'll just say that. Okay. Now, I don't know. Now, just do you think he could go hands-free with the asshole you've seen? Weakly? Yeah. No, he could spread it apart with everything. I think it would still squeak. Even if he moves it with his hands? We got to ask. Yeah, I know he's done it. Oh. Oh, dang. My son doesn't love me anymore. Fuck. Well, okay. All right. All right. Well, I guess let's do some facts. Clean it up. Let's clean it up for Hannah. Yeah. Let's do that. Ding, ding, ding. Clean up. Oop. That went in the wrong direction again. Reset.

2:11:38Take two. Clean up. The clean up.

2:11:43Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

2:11:55I loved Hannah Burner. Yeah, she was so fun. She was so fun. Yeah, I agree. It's happening to a good person. Yeah, we like that. Yeah. I'm glad I wasn't a professional athlete. Wow. I mean, I'm glad you weren't either. Just a life of like a singularly focused life from like eight until 20 on this thing. That's not for me. It's not for you, but it's also why like you not wanting that is also why you aren't one. You know what I mean? It's all tied together. It's like that your outlook on life and what you want life to look like and be doing. Yeah. Is not conducive to. No, yeah. I want way too many experiences.

2:12:40Yeah. It's funny. I just came up with this theory this morning in the dentist chair. Oh, oh, yeah. You got dental work. I didn't get any work, but I got the edges polished. Anyways. That's work. Yeah. Yeah. But I was talking to my dentist and he was telling me about his son and he's talking about, you know, he's a soccer player. And like, clearly he's putting a ton of effort into it. And he wants them to go to this league because the competition will be higher. And, you know, he's telling me all this stuff. And I'm just listening. And I'm like, I just can't relate. Right. Like, I don't desire for my kids to be great at anything.

2:13:11I know. It's so strange. I figured it out, though. It has been so strange to me for a very long time. And this morning for the first time, I think I made sense of it. OK. So I'm listening to him and then I'm thinking about him as a person. And then I'm thinking about me as a person. And I said to him, look, I just came up with this theory, so maybe it doesn't hold any water. But it makes a lot of sense to me that you are this way with your kid because you're a specialist. You have dedicated your life to becoming an expert and a specialist at this thing, dentistry. Yeah. He's also like an expert drawer and stuff.

2:13:48That's the type of duties. I said, I'm a generalist. I'm not great at anything. My attack is like I'd rather know 70 percent about a lot of things than 100 about a few things. That's just how I am. Yeah. So, yeah, it makes total sense to me that, like, I'm not looking for my kids to become expert level on anything just because I'm not that way and I'm fine. Right. But don't you still want that for them? No. If I had to pick whether they were specialists or generalists, obviously, I'd prefer they were generalists because obviously I was drawn to being a generalist. I know, but that's but that's so much about you.

2:14:21So same with him. Everyone is. That's a given is you have your life experience and then you have these kids you're worried and you hope they'll turn out right. So you want to make sure if you believe in endless hard work and focus, that's how you get to where you want to go. If that's the approach you believed in, of course, that's the one you pass on. My approach was like, no, it was scattywampus and it was all over the map. And I ultimately landed on being a generalist, which. But you didn't land on it. That just happened to be where your life went. It's not like it and where your skills lie.

2:14:56Like if their skills lie more in niche or specificity, that is what they should do. Like it is not to Matt. It should be to maximize whatever innate skill you have. Well, whether that's being a generalist, I think that's a separate conversation. So a separate conversation is. Do I not want them to be what they are naturally are? No. If they want to be specialists, you're going to watch the most supportive dad ever. If they were pursuing soccer in the way that this kid. Yeah, exactly. I would support it. But given my own nature, I'm just going to be laying out the world as I see it and as I've experienced it.

2:15:40I could be I could be swayed against that if they're showing some interest in being a specialist. Yeah. Yeah. But of course, I'm not going to pass on being a specialist because I'm not one. I'm a generalist. So naturally, I'm going to pass on the kind of ethos that a generalist has. Which is what? I just said, like, I would rather know 70 percent about 100 topics than I would want to know 100 percent about three topics. That's just my nature. Right. My goal is not to invent something. For a lot of people, their goal in life is to win first place. You're looking at it. And that's great. I'm not against it.

2:16:21Yeah. My goal in life was to be able to hang with maximum amount of people on planet Earth. Like my goal has always been I want to be able to drop into every single group of people and get along. You know, like on the weekends, I'm hanging out with the drag racers and Kenny on grass shit. And during the week, I'm with the fucking art kids and the snowboarders. Like I just love the variety of people. And so being a generalist suits that ultimate goal of mine, which is just to like be able to fucking hang and move between any group. and some people's goal is like i want to invent this thing or create the cure for cancer or win the only gold medal yeah both are totally fine endeavors yeah i mean i think all of it is too much i think a goal is like just finding the purpose doesn't matter if it's niche doesn't matter if it's what doesn't matter what it is but find a purpose you just got to stay busy on planet earth yeah i mean that's the reality but you have to stay busy in a way that makes you feel good that like makes you feel yeah and you gotta figure that out your parents aren't ever gonna figure that out no they're not and i guess there are techniques for doing that but there are there there are many of these people that are specialists that they believe their kids should work hard they should work harder than anyone else and they should get better than everyone else that's what they believe the game of life is.

2:17:48And that's great because for a lot of people, that is the game of life. I know, but it's like, you're kind of saying it now as like this, like 51 year old. And that's not really how you behaved. Like when you were at the groundlings and stuff, like that's specialized and that's working really fucking hard. And it's working harder than it's, It's putting in tons of hours and it's not. There was Jess right next to me and Jess went to every single show at the Groundlings. He was friends with all of the upper Groundlings that were in the company. His life was the Groundlings. Yeah. I was going to UCLA.

2:18:32I had a drinking problem. I like to go out. Right. I never did it like him. Right. And a handful of people. I did the amount I wanted to get on stage and have that experience, but I didn't go all in. You didn't devote your. I didn't. The way, say, Jess did or several other people I knew. It was too constraining to only have one thing for me. Like, I need lots of things happening. Interesting. So I was saying even when I was talking to the dentist, the only thing I approach expert level on is cars. Yeah. And I'm not. Right. It's also true I'm not. Tom Hanson knows more than Jay Leno knows more than me about cars.

2:19:13Right. Jay Leno is a specialist on cars. Right. Right. And I'm damn good. I can talk to 90 % of the people can't leave me in the dust on cars. Right. But that's what I'm saying. That's the one that's probably I'm closest to an expert on. And I'm not even close to an expert on that. Yeah. So anyways, I do think it impacts how you raise your kids. I was like, why aren't I going like, you got to, we got to get you harder opponents and play in the next league. You know, like I just, I can't even find that desire in me. Again, I would support it. No, that's not true. When you take Lincoln to the driving area, what's it called?

2:19:53Carding. Carding. And she's doing well where she is. You're like, we're going up. Yeah. You are. Again, these are all like, yes, you're a hundred percent right. These are all shades of commitment. It's like, yes, do I want her to learn the racing line and learn to break? And again, I hope she reaches a level that when she goes to go-kart track with all of her friends, she can win. Right. Like me. Yeah, that requires. But then going to another league and having to be the best carter in L.A. and then the best in California. Like that part I just I lose interest in. I want to go have fun and hopefully I'll win.

2:20:33I don't not like winning. I like being, especially driving. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't have that gear. Right. And I don't think it's good or bad. I just don't think I have that. Yeah. Everyone's different. A lot of people would have had these like fun trips with the cart with Lincoln and they would have gone and got a coach by now. If they wanted, if Lincoln wanted it. They're like that, right? Like, well, you got, we got to get you a coach and we got, there's all these steps we could be taking. There are variations. Yeah. There's a one way of looking at life. This is how my parents did it. You know, you, yeah, you working hard is the whole thing.

2:21:09Yeah. It's not the gifts you've been given. Like you're smart. Doesn't matter if you're smart, if you aren't working hard, no one cares. Yeah. It won't do anything. So that was very instilled of it's a game of hard work. and but yeah they're not like oh we see you see you show some aptitude here so we're gonna like go get you a coach it's it was all on me it was like this is how you do it now it's on you to do that yes which I appreciate I appreciate that I think that is definitely if I had children what I would impart as well like it's it's time to work hard if you care about this thing if you don't care about it who cares if you do i'm definitely someone that's like devote it all yeah i think my bigger desire than being great at any one of these activities is like i want to be competent in everything like and once i get to competent like i'm pretty much my journey's over if i go to the motorcycle track and i ride with the guys and i'm totally competent some days i'm the fastest there some days i'm not like i do that thing they know i do that that's enough i don't need to be my friend josh harron who's winning the ama fucking super bike you know yeah anyways relate yeah i know yeah it's fun yeah it is fun everyone's so different yeah i think everyone's inclination is like you you evaluate a difference and then the first impulse is like what one's right and which one's wrong and i think that's the thing you got to fight against in your mind all the time.

2:22:46There's no right or wrong, but there is what works for you and what doesn't work for you. You know, so. Yeah. Yeah. That was anyways, that was about Hannah's extreme tennis journey. Yes. I mean, what I do believe and this episode, I think kind of reiterates that a little bit is I, or reiterated to me, like I think supporting your kid, of course, is like the most important thing. But the level of investment in your kids activity is a fine line to ride. I think. Well, I think the people that are in that position need to constantly policing themselves about whether it is their desire or their own desire.

2:23:37That's, I think, the line that needs to be navigated well. Yeah. Because I think it could easily be like their reflection on you. You've put all this time into it. So if they win, it is your win as well. Right. And if you're kind of sucked into that aspect of it, that feels like something you'd want to be conscious of. Yeah, I think it's tricky. I think it's very slippery for everyone involved in that. Okay, what does Marcello's girlfriend do? And yes, she did go to Yale. And I said she was an architect. And she is. She's an architect? She's a co-founder of BASA. I don't know what that is. B-A-S-A.

2:24:17Working as an architect, artist and furniture designer. Oh, masters of architecture from Yale. Oh, very cool. Now, the ethnic breakdown of Wisconsin, 78 % white. White. 8 % Hispanic, Latino. 6 % black or African-American. 3 % Asian and 1 % Native American. in that'd be probably a tough place for me i mean tough i mean three percent's low oh and your count they mean a they mean asia no they're including india i know but that's not even yeah we both know that that no you think you know yeah we both know no we don't okay so tapping she talked about tapping um tapping or emotional freedom techniques is a mind-body practice that combines acupressure and cognitive therapy.

2:25:11By lightly tapping on nine specific body meridians while focusing on an anxious thought, you send calming signals to the amygdala to quietly regulate your nervous system. Are you going to learn those nine meridians? Nah. Okay. I think I'm good for now. I mean, I can circle back if I need it. Yeah. You do wrestle with anxiety from time to time. Yeah. I haven't really in a while, I don't think. In a minute? I mean, I'm trying to think like. Growing out of it. Yeah. Or just maybe because I have been in therapy for so long and I have worked on a lot of things that maybe, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder.

2:25:54Here we go. I have good wonders. Yeah, you have really nice wonders. Sometimes I wonder when I was having all of those, when I was having panic attacks. but they were very physical. And I, you know, I felt like I was like disassociated and I, but I was here, but I like couldn't like get my brain like back. Now I'm like, were those seizures? Oh, wow. Not, not obviously not grand mal seizures, but the other kind, petite mal, that's how they look. and so there is a part of me that's like maybe you were having little seizures was happening then yeah petite teat so cute so cute so i don't know if i ever had anxiety oh no this might make you self-conscious tell me it's very memorable when you see someone have a seizure oh my god i know Have you seen them?

2:26:57I've seen. Which kind? I've seen both. But T-malls are less. They're like, they're just very, they're very disassociated. I've talked about my uncle a million times. He had to have the corridor cut in his brain. He had really intense epilepsy. And yeah, one time at my birthday party at the hour equivalent of Benihana. It wasn't called that, but it was a. Uh-huh. Japanese steakhouse. Yeah, hibachi grill or whatever. And like, all of a sudden I just looked at him. And he's like holding his plate weird. I'm like, what's he, why is he holding this plate? And then he started like leaning forward and then like, then the plate spilled and then all this other stuff started happening.

2:27:31And yeah, what was really obvious is like, I just remember checking in with his face and I'm like, oh yeah, he's not here. Like he's not experiencing this at all. That's what's crazy about it. And then a grand mall in a movie theater one time where it's like someone yelled for a doctor. Someone said, put your wallet in their mouth. It was like a scene out of a movie. No, I know. I know this girl had one in the cafeteria. Oh, I remember you telling me that. It's so, I'll, it is seared. It is seared in my brain. It was so scary. And so like, just the last fucking place. Also, my friend Charles had one in a movie theater, but I wasn't there for that.

2:28:11If you had to pick between farting really loud and it reeked. Ah! Or having a seizure. In the cafeteria? Yeah. And everyone was like, same level of awareness. people were like, oh, Monica farted. Fuck, would you eat cabbage? You know, like it immediately started. It's that. This is the worst. Or is it seizure? This is the worst would you rather. I would pick seizure. You got to pick seizure, yeah. Yeah, because at least I can't control it. I would imagine you'd be afraid that that smell would be permanently linked to people's image of you. Even if they were just thinking about you in a different classroom months later, they would be able to smell that.

2:28:50Well, I think either way you're linked to that experience for the rest of your life. Yeah. But one is like, like one is like scary a little bit and the other is gross. And so I pick scary. Good pick. Even though health wise, you should pick farting. I know. So much easier on your body. Yeah. Yeah. But I, I think about that. Fuck Monica Gass. Stop it. Fuck Monica. would you eat a McRib? Stop. That's never happened to me. I do think about it all the time because I looked like that and people saw. Oh, uh-huh. Thank God it was just my people. Your girlfriends. I know, but like, I think all the time, ew, like they saw me look so crazy.

2:29:43Yeah. But I had seen one of my girlfriends, my girls lost consciousness and her like eyes were rolled back in her head. I guess maybe it was a seizure. Maybe it was. And I still thought she was beautiful afterwards. I didn't. It didn't like impact how I saw her at all. Other than just she scared me. Yeah. Did you cry? No, I picked her up and carried her to my mother's hotel room. Oh. And I said, we got to go. We got to go to the hospital. Oh, yeah. This is when you were having sex. Don't bring anything in. You've told it. You've talked about it. Okay. You were. Oh, this is way different. It was post-coital.

2:30:16Yeah. And what happens? I'm not going to go into it, but no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. But yeah, I was 19. It was a little scary. A little? Yeah. And we had to go to that. You never get that scared. I was pretty scared. You were, yeah. Well, because she was 18. I was 19. Her parents knew she was on this trip. I was doing a car show. Right. Thank God your mom was there. Like, I'm more responsible for her. And I love her. So I'm like, I got quite scared that something was wrong with her. But anyways, we went to the like an emergency room and I don't even know where we were. I think we're in the south somewhere.

2:30:54And they just could not get off of what drugs have you guys done? What drugs have you guys done? Not done. Yeah. How much have you drank? I haven't drank. We smoke a lot of cigarettes. Yeah. That's about all I can tell you. God, scary. I hope whoever, if I marry anyone that they cry when I have a seizure. Yeah. Well, I hope I don't have one ever again, obviously. Right. But if you have one. I want them to cry even at the thought of it. Yeah. You would like that. You know who cried? Kristen. Did she? Yeah. She got rid. Well, not during it. After the trauma of it wore off. Yeah. When we were in the hospital.

2:31:30Trauma of it wore off. I was still out of, like, weird for a while after that. And then, you know, we were at the hospital and the doctor came and was talking to me and, like, kind of asking me questions or whatever. And then she looked, Chris was behind. She looked over and she goes, I know it's scary. And I looked, I was like, oh, she's crying. It was very sad. And then I was like, oh, I traumatized everybody. What if he said, do you know why you're here, Miss Padman? Why? And you said, did I have a seizure? And he said, no, you farted. And they all smelled it. And that's why she's crying. What is wrong with you?

2:32:06She wants to know if you're a McRib with cabbage on it. Ew, stop it. You're always trying to make me gross, and it's you who's gross. Oh, my God. Okay, we haven't done many facts. Yes, we've done a lot. Oh, the Chris Rock joke about cheating is, like, men are only as faithful as their options. Yeah, yeah. I'll play it. Okay. Man is basically as faithful as his options.

2:32:41That's how faithful a man is. No more, no less. They see all these fat Republican guys going, I would never do such a thing. This is a travesty. I'm like, nobody's trying to blow you.

2:32:56Ain't no 20-year-old girls trying to blow orange hats. Nobody trying to get Newt Gingrich, son. I don't give a fuck. You ain't never going to hear Newt Gingrich go, man, I wish these hoes would back up off me. I wish they would just back the fuck up off of it. This whole heart for a man to turn down. Session, you can chase us. We can't run that fast. They're going to catch us. We're like, ah, ah, ah, shit. Pull the hamstring. It got me. It got me. It got me. That was an impressive routine. I think that's when he came on. His whole routine was about him admitting he cheated. I know. There was a special.

2:33:38I don't know if this is that one. Maybe. Maybe it is. I remember that. Yeah, it was rad. Yeah. I mean, it's not rad that he cheated, but it was rad that he was able to tackle it on stage. It was cool. Right. All right. Well, that's it. That was all. Yeah, Hannah. I loved her. Yeah, she was great. She's fantastic. Glad she joined us. All right. Love you. Love you.

2:34:14Thank you.