Jake Johnson Returns Again

24:16I'm like, oh, more shooting? Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, but so it was no power struggles. Great. That's the number one thing. And then number two is like, I'm there to be of service to the project, the director, and the star, because in this business, probably the star is as relevant as the showrunner and everything else. Both times I got through it. And what's interesting is because it's not ever been my approach because it's control. I want to control as much as I can because I'm fearful that I won't be great. Yes, totally right. So to go there with all those goals and to leave the days having no clue how I did, but with an inkling that that's going to work out, is a whole new approach.

24:53Do you have that as well? Well, it was different. So for Dank the Pickleball one, we were all kind of running that as a team, working with Mary Steenburgen. I was like, I will not have any darkness because she's so nice. So I will not have the mood where it's like, little cranky after lunch didn't like that take. Shut up. Yes. That was so pleasant. Then Dakota in Alaska was such a trip in such a good way. Tell me how. She's just old Hollywood in such a great way. And she's so smart and sharp and tough and a shit talker. And then once you call action, you're like, oh, you're so fucking good. And then in between, it's like, well, what are we doing?

25:36I said one night I was like, well, you know, I'm not drinking tonight because I need to work. And she was like, oh, I'm so sick of all these guys in Hollywood who stopped drinking. Oh my God, I love her. She needs to be my best friend. Really what it was for me, so good in the scenes. Corey Michael Smith, so good in the scenes. Everybody in that movie was so good. And the New York job, I'm like, oh, I think I just want to work with people who are really good. But I don't need to be the boss of it. I don't want to run it. I don't want to deal with other people's emotional stuff. I'm not good at that.

26:05I'm bad with boundaries. So I get caught up. Just want to come, do the job, dissociate. Yeah, yeah. Whoever the character is supposed to be. Hey man, I'm Carl. Then when the day's over, thank you. And not think about it again. Not think what the reaction is going to be. Who knows anymore? Who even has the streaming sites? I've been on shows that I don't even have the streaming site of the show. Me too. I did two seasons of Top Gear. I don't think anyone ever saw it. Me included. And I'm on it. I had a whole season two of Minked. I didn't have stars. Yeah. It came out. They were like, what do you think of this season?

26:39It's now on Netflix. I'm like, eventually I'm going to check it out. But it's there. Are you sure? People said good things about it. Wow. So this is interesting. We're in complete parallel despite not having had our monthly hike. Yes. We somehow evolved in the same. I'm loving hearing you're back on set. I've thought about you a lot while I'm doing these jobs because I have been back to just acting on a set. And I remember us talking and kind of being like, maybe that thing is going in the background. And I have thought, oh, I'm loving this. And it feels like a rebirth. worth so jesse hodges said something really interesting to me that i don't know if it triggers to you i was talking shit about acting we had like a great scene it was really a good morning and then i was doing my narrative and my narrative is is acting's easy it's just nothing but the good stuff is when you write it you direct it you do all that and you produce it you finance it but acting's easy and as i was talking my mind was somewhere else because i've said that so many times and i know the reaction i'm gonna get yes the reaction is like you're a super smart guy Sold.

27:36I'm going to sell you a couch. You want the warranty. Yeah. You should probably get a warranty. He's got pretty high miles. I know he said it's great, but you're going to love it. It's going to be great. And if you want 50 bucks, I'll get 50 bucks off. It's literal garbage. Let's go to the bar. What are these other people? Anything's a profit, dear. And she goes, all I hear is self-hatred. Ooh. And I go, I don't think so at all. Because I was literally like, I'm selling you a fucking great couch here. And she said, because you're an actor, that's what you do. So the other stuff you like to do and you're good at it, but she's like, I was excited to work with you because I think you're a very good actor.

28:10So when you're shitting on acting, that's just a form of self-hatred. And I played the moment as smoothly as I could. I was like, I hear you. I mean, tomato, tomato kind of thing. Agree to disagree. Like, you know, that's a take. So that's a no. But also we're different generations and I'm going to sell the couch to somebody else. But the more I sat on it, oh, I think she's right. Because the thing that you're good at is the thing you don't value. and the thing you value is the thing you're not good at. That's textbook. The thing that comes easiest, you feel. Has no value. Exactly. And it has to be hard in order for you to feel good about it.

28:45You have to know you're not quite good enough at it. And then it's valuable. Yes, exactly. And what I'm doing right now, like Damon Wayans and I are now selling a TV show, but it's the first one where in a pitch, I'm not the writer or the one talking. We have writers. We have producers. Damon and I are literally just there for color. To be funny. We get there. They have an 11-page thing they've worked out. The writers are so good. It's so scripted. Then there's areas, if Jake and Damon want a riff. Yes, yes, yes. At the beginning, it was insulting to me, where I was like, no, it's Damon and I.

29:19And then I had to admit to myself, I really enjoy the pitch. I get to listen. I get to react. Counterpunch. Yeah. And then Damon will say something really funny. Then we'll get into something. the reaction from the buyers has been big. And for the last couple of years, TV pitches for me, I'm like, TV's dead. It's not dead. It's just dead when I'm pitching them. Do you have a fear of being indispensable? Because that's kind of what it sounds like a little bit to me. Probably. But I also think the other thing that I'm also doing is, and it's more selfish, because I love what you're doing. I don't want to be an asshole.

29:52I want to be open. I'm trying to figure out how to re-engineer it that I do this business out of love. Yes, yes, yes. As opposed to, fuck you, you'll see. Terrified. It was, everything's going to get revealed. I'm going to lose my house. I'm going to lose my family. I'm going to be without parents. If this doesn't land, I'm a dead person. I have nothing. My entire value is them going, pretty good. All right, should we move into coverage? Yes. It was too intense. It was sickening. And I hated the business for it. And I hated Video Village for it. And I hated the person I was performing for because fuck you, man.

30:26Because if I don't do it, you're going to kill me. You're going to take my wife away, my kids away? Yeah. And they're like, no. They're like, this is a commercial. Yeah. For Arby's. This is Geico. This is already going out of business. And we cast you. Right. We already like you. You're good. We picked you, motherfucker. And I was like, this is going weird. And then I would need a drink to calm down. And so my big switch was, I was like, I know I can't do that anymore. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. thanks again to our presenting sponsor audible for their support so audible just dropped their best of 2025 collection and i gotta say this is one of those things that actually makes your life easier monica their editors have been doing the heavy lifting we're talking countless hours of listening heated debates and the whole thing they've handpicked the year's top audiobooks podcasts and originals across all your favorite genres and what i love is that they're not just highlighting the giant releases though those are in there they've also dug up some real hidden gems the stuff that might have flown under the radar but totally deserves your attention.

31:28I love a good recommendation. My queue is out of control. So anytime there's a curated list like this, I breathe a little easier. Two titles I'm excited about, Sunrise on the Reaping. Anything Hunger Games related is an automatic ad for me. And Someday Now, which everyone says is incredibly warm and reflective. If you want something solid to close out the year, this is a great place to start. Check out Audible's Best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Go to audible.com slash best of 2025.

32:05In relationships, can you accept that people love you? Yeah, I've been with my wife since 2004. But did it take a minute with her to accept it? Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah. How about for you? You're like, fuck no, I'm lovable. She thinks no one noticed her blampers in four years of high school. Well, Jake didn't notice any blampers. So you think you're not being seen? Yeah. Wearing baggy clothes. I'm like, no one can see them. I got these big ass blampers under this place. I mean, I can't see the blampers. I know. I understand. Roll up in a Ferrari. Everyone's acting like I got out of a Pinto. Can't you see these blamps?

32:37Look at my blampers! And I'm not cured from it. One thing I hate about podcasts in this era is everyone's talking about how bad they used to be and how good they are now, where I'm like, well, that's not accurate. You have not fully gotten fixed. But I'm in the transition of trying to realize that it's not a life or death performance and the stakes aren't as high as I think they are. And other people aren't in fight or flight. Like last night I was at the Glendale Mall and my wife went to the bathroom and my kids went on their own. And so I was alone looking at this goofy ass fountain and I don't like that mall.

33:09I don't like that mall. Tell me why you don't like it. It's Disney. I was there by myself the other day and I was like, this place is great. I love it. You do? Yeah. I don't like the Disney. I don't like Disney. I don't. Because it's too happy? Yeah. It's manufactured happiness. Oh. Manipulate it. When a place tells me this is where you're safe and you're happy, I go, not me. You don't trust it. Oh, watch. I have the darkest day of my year today. Oh, my God. You'll see. I want you to just try to go and be like, I want to look at the Americana the way she looks at the Americana. Well, what I had last night was I was sitting there and then I got a little paranoid.

33:45I was like, all right, what's the game plan if I don't hear from the kids? And I looked around and I realized most of these people might just be really sweet people. I think they are at the Americana. And I was like, oh, it's really funny. I see people as threats and I think everybody else does. And I think of this as the animal kingdom and we are all predators and it's scary. And then I looked around and I was like, I'm seeing the world through some weird eyes. Because this looks like a bunch of sweet people with their families looking at fake snow. and smiling so big and then looking at a trolley and I'm like it goes nowhere but now you realize the trolley goes everywhere it's just about the ride you know what's really funny about this so you go to the movie Parenthood which was awesome there's that great monologue from the grandma and she said some people really like life going around in a Ferris wheel and just going around and around other people really like the roller coaster I've always been a roller coaster as I'm aging as I'm getting older, I'm like, I think I've done enough rollercoaster.

34:46Like I'm starting to feel, I felt it during self-reliance, but I started feeling my life force for the first time. And I was like, oh, this well isn't bottomless. And that had never been made. I don't know if it's ADHD. I don't know if it's survival shit, but I could always, I could go forever. I'll never quit. And all of a sudden I'm like, I could quit. This feels dangerously opportunistic and mildly gross, but I do think it could be relevant. But your friend killed himself. Do you think that's having any effect on this? Yeah, it's huge. Because that was a dude, I knew him a little bit. It was really important to him, all that stuff.

35:18Yes, Jeff Bain. And it's really funny because I think our break from hikes happened right as Jeff killed himself. Yeah, we've only hiked once since that happened. Because he was my other hiking buddy. I'm like coming back into it, but I would either go to your house or four blocks away, I'd go to his house. yeah so anytime you come hiking here when i come to this neighborhood i'm a little bit like yeah it's fucking guy's dead no it's had such a big impact way more than i thought it would which is a stupid thing to say well there's waves yeah until you yeah you go through the waves the first was this is what i told you when we hiked which is was talking to someone that happened to have been at the wake or whatever it's called and they said oh man do you know jake johnson and i go yeah he's my hiking buddy and uh they go he gave the most incredible eulogy imaginable it was so real and angry and heartfelt and a lot of stuff yeah i'm really mad at him yeah well my eulogy was this and i gave it a lot of thought because it happened when my dad died too my brother was like you got to speak and i was like i don't yeah and i was like who am i fucking speaking for his aa buddies 80 year old Jewish guys cousins on my dad's side I didn't grow up with I don't need to cry in front of strangers yeah like this is not a performance I don't like crying in front of anybody barely in front of my wife so I'm like in front of a bunch of people pass and then I realized for my dad alright I guess I'm doing it for him but I didn't feel my dad so while I was doing it I'm like this isn't for him this is for my brother and sister well you know what it is for him because our dads were so similar yeah his big shot son came and he liked that He liked that.

36:57He was out there going like, yeah, they all recognize my kid from TV. Exactly. They're a little bit excited. Yes. Yeah. But for Jeff, it was very clear. Jeff Baino was the biggest know-it-all I've ever met. I'm a know-it-all. You're a know-it-all. I'm not putting you under that umbrella. Now I've gotten to know you a little bit. You're not a know-it-all. But I do know a lot. You do. You're opinionated, but not a know-it-all. Jeff was a true know-it-all. Our hangs, similar to you and me, we would get on a subject and then sometimes it would turn into a slight debate, even very similar. Do you not want those jobs out of fear?

37:31That's your sales pitch. My sales pitch is no, I'm out of love. Now we're debating our sales pitches. Yeah. And it's really fun. And then you always leave and you go like, they had some nice, valuable points. I like that. And I had some nice, valuable points. And if it's polling, I don't know who's winning. I think we're at 50-50. And so Jeff and I had a ton of topics. And when he killed himself, all the debate stopped. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, that's not fair man because we haven't finished when we became friends it was instant and he goes I'm a big believer that I don't know what this world means but I do know something else is going on and there are moments that you get connected to the invisible and you go I don't know but this shit is different than I thought it was I'm not trying to explain it I'm okay with the mystery of it I agree when I met Jeff we connected right away and he said we're gonna be old men together and I was like I know that's true.

38:24We are going to be playing bocce ball, and I'm going to be arguing with this fucking old man. Honestly, one of the most difficult guys I've ever met. The amount of people he would kick out of his house, the amount of people who contacted me after he died and goes, I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm a little bit mixed myself. He was really rude to me. A little more on the fence about it. Truthfully, a lot of people had to call and go like, I'm calling to say I'm sorry to you. He literally kicked me out of a basketball league I started. Oh, my God. So Jeff was not a dark guy. Dave King said something so funny.

38:53He said, when somebody kills himself, everybody says, I mean, anyone but him. And he goes, but this one's very true. Anybody but Jeff. He let a lot of light in. He was not an anxious guy. He was not a depressed guy. He was a routine guy. So he just did the same routine. And so the disappointment of my eulogy was, so Jeff has now in my life transitioned. He's now entered my dreams. So I now talk to Jeff every night. I've asked Jeff to help oversee with my kid. He's part of my nightly, whatever prayers are, OCD, manifesting, whatever that shit is. Yes. He's now entered that space. But at his eulogy, I really thought I'm going to challenge him and he's going to make an appearance.

39:35He's so indignant he'll have to show up. He's such a prick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would call up and go like, hey, hey, man, want to play hoops? And I'd be like, sure. We'd go to a court and be straight up gangsters. Your vibe changes. Not with Jeff. Jeff's calling touch fouls. I don't mean it. And then in the car after, when there's almost a fight, he's blaming them. We are like, it's fucking you. It's you. And so my whole speech was doing to him. It's you. You're the weird one. Because what I really thought he was going to do is I thought he was going to like fuck with the mics. I thought something was going to shift so that I could say, I'm sorry I didn't see it.

40:13Because the real nightmare of suicide is you think you got a good read on people and you missed it. Yeah. Where you're like, fuck, man. We were supposed to hike. We were texting right up until he passed and we were going to hike and he stayed up really late and I've got kids, so I'm waking up early. So I go, yeah, man, I'd love to hike. I go, how's noon? Because he wants to start at two. I got to be home at three. Yeah. Two's too late. At first I was saying, how's 10, man? How's nine? Yeah. And he's like, impossible. I mean, the folks you're going to see on a 2 p.m. hike are questionable. It's crazy.

40:46It's so hot. Night shift. Why are they out there? But here is where I look back where I go like, because he told our other friend Miguel, when things were going dark for him, Miguel said, talk to Jake. Jake loves you. And he goes, Jake's really busy with his kids and his work. I don't want to bother him. And now he's dead. So the big turn for me has been, what am I doing wrong to not let people? That's why when we started, I said, you mean a lot to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like, oh, I don't think I did that to him. I don't think he knew how much we all loved him. I think he really thought in the end, he's doing a movie.

41:18I'm like, fuck the movie. Who gives a shit? Yeah, I'm seeing my kids, but the only reason I'm obsessive is because my dad wasn't there and I'm being weird. Say, I need you. My kids don't want me around. My wife is not a possessive man. She'd be like, go live at Jeff's. Yeah, he might need a month or two of you around. And I do think if we went on that hike that day, in my heart of hearts, I know he'd be alive. God, I don't know, Jay. I don't know. I don't think you can put that on yourself. I know that response. spots and I don't feel a sadness or a darkness. I know Jeff and Jeff and I called each other out on shit and he had been getting really skinny and he was starting to lose hair.

41:52In the last hike I saw, he looked really skinny and weird. And I did a little bit like, and he's like, I've just been eating these smoothies. He was getting like depressed skinny. He was graying out a little bit and supposedly by the end, it got really bad. And I do think we would have had a, you know, if it's professionally, want to make a movie, let's make one in our backyards. Let's cast every one of our friends and let's just do it. If you're afraid of being alone, same. Let's play poker five nights a week. We can create a whole thing. But that day I didn't make that effort. And you're like, oh, that's now 50 years.

42:24Okay. Now I don't question that you couldn't have executed that game plan. I question how much a fellow know-it-all could have taken it all in and adjusted given even if he loved you and respected you. Yeah. I mean, I think it's very parallel to like addiction. There's no speech you can give one of us. You can't. You're on that run. It's like, no one's going to call. So I hear you. I've gone pretty deep. So I think there is a narrative about mental health and suicide that helps those who are alive. To anybody who's listening, who's lost somebody, I'm not talking about you. So I'm not saying you did anything wrong.

43:03I don't know your story. I just know Jeff. Even if I just said, fuck your two o 'clock hike, weirdo, let's get lunch. And we just talked. We would have challenged each other, talked a little shit, and we could have come up with a three-month window. Because I don't think it was inevitable. I think he got caught in a moment. The moment happened. The night happened. He thought this is a winning move. This is my best play right now. And part of one of his final message was, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy, but you guys will build up better. And I have. And so that's why he's in the prayers where I'm like, oh, I'm going to honor your life, man.

43:45But I think we could have done this with you here. And so I just think if we had the type of male friendship, which we did not, like I would never tell him I'm having mental problems. He would go, what's going on? Why are you talking so slow? And I'd go, cause you're talking fast. I wouldn't say, because I'm dissociating, man. Yeah. Because we were always jabbing. But what I knew is if I said to him, Jeff, I love you and I'm not feeling great, he'd go, I got you. But I'm like, we don't have to say that because we know that. And that's bullshit. Maybe you have to say it. You gotta say it. And I'm like, ah, fuck.

44:18So I know if in that moment I said to him, yeah, you having anxiety the first time? Welcome to the fucking world, asshole. Yeah. Right, right. Oh, you're feeling dark? Yeah. But I think it requires the person themselves, like you said, if you went to him and said, I'm low, it requires someone saying, I need help. Yes. And him to have been aware of on that hike that suicide was on the table, which might not even have been fully conscious. But there's also people you find that you sync with. I only find people, if we're Legos, we connect. If it doesn't connect, I don't want to force it. I'm going to wear you out.

44:53I'm going to say something that's going to fuck up your process. I'm going to make a joke that didn't translate. I'm too old for it. I've already burned too many little things, but if I fit with a Lego, we're never not going to fit. You might go, oh my God, shut the fuck up, but I'm not sensitive to that. And I could say to you, shut the fuck up. But yeah, the Jeff thing was a nightmare. That's been the reason for the hikes. Yeah. Okay. The podcast, we're here to help. You're in year four, three? End of two. Doing about three a week now. So we got about 250 episodes. Wow. Yeah. We're having a lot of fun.

45:23You're releasing three a week? Yeah. I've gotten totally ADHD addicted to it. I love it. I love how the game shifts. I love that there's not a studio or a network so we can keep changing it. I like that the show's evolving. I like that there can be experiments. We're a call-in show. Of the many topics you guys have wandered into, have there been any that have burbled up in 250 where you're like, oh God, we're accidentally in a very serious. Yes. One's happening right now. It is. Tell me. And it's what I love about the show. So the show has, It's really connected audience. It's not huge, but it's the same people every week.

45:56And you realize, oh, you're just performing for them. And then you're like, you're not even performing. You're just talking. And then they all come in. They all email. You're like, it's the same. But that's comforting. It's fun. Yeah. And it's with my buddies. And so a woman called in and the end result was something about her husband eats too much popcorn in bed. We like stupid premises. And how many days a week was he eating popcorn in bed? All the time. Every night. All the time. This guy's eating way too much fucking popcorn. So much popcorn. I don't think it's good for your digestion. Now in kernels everywhere.

46:24In his teeth. The turn of it became he had a brain tumor. And then the last turn was he's on dialysis and he needs a kidney transplant in March. Oh, shit. So while we were on, in the moment I go, well, hell, if anybody from the community wants to donate a kidney, we can make a whole game of it. And we can do like we do a version right now that Rob and Natalie created, like a friendship game where people called in. They needed friends. so we like set people up on dates oh nice and then we follow up with it and we've had over four people write in saying i legitimately will donate my kidney and so now we're starting to go well if we can really bring a kidney to this guy maybe we could do a live show near the hospital donate oh my god let's connect to this sure and it's just zooms in our girl with like my buddy gareth but i'm like it's entering a world where everybody knows the bits of the show So they're all bits, but this is the first one in a while where I'm like, this is what I'm most excited.

47:24If we can get a kidney transplant and it could work, somebody's happy to give it. And this guy's happy to do it. And it's because of our goofy little podcast. Did you say brain cancer though? He had a brain tumor or something. Okay. But he's beaten that. Yes. I guess in March when he's done with the cancer treatment, he can get the kidney transplant. Oh my goodness. Okay. And so now people email in, I checked the email. So I just forward to this woman, Whitney, which is the wife of the guy. And I said, this is real life. You vet. Right. When you like somebody, bring them on the show. But we're not vetting.

47:58Right. You can't be responsible for that. You're vetted. For me, with the way my brain works, I can lay in bed and go like, oh, the last guy seemed like a pretty good option for a kid. And it's fun as hell. Are you looking at them or just hearing them? No, just hearing. We tried looking. It changes it. They were different. It was more of like, whoa, this is fun. They were on in a different way. There was a show that's done in New York. There was a This American Life about it where a guy just left an anonymous number and said, leave messages with your problems. Yes, people admitted to like killing people and stuff.

48:31Yeah. I think when you see someone's face, they're not as honest. We're in an interesting one where we look at all the callers. And they look at you? Yeah. But nobody else sees them. It's not like it's on video. Right, but you guys see each other. We see each other. and what I realize in that is the audience won't see them because it's anonymous but I'm realizing god so much of this story is about what you're seeing how they look it becomes really clear how much of a story yeah has to do with the person involved in it and that has a lot to do with what they just look like totally right what thoughts do you have about that I think we gain a lot from seeing the person and from reading their emotions our show's different.

49:14It can get wild, but it's not meant to be like super jokey or anything. It is sincere. I think the sincere thing is a really great distinction because ours is you need to be sincere, but we are looking for laughs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm jealous of your structure. I don't want to offer real advice a lot of the times. I'm like, I don't know. But if you're okay with the premise being, if you went to a bar and you had two drunk uncles, they might give bad advice, but it might lead you there. If a caller is a little bit nervous and a little bit slow, it's our job to now steamroll a little bit.

49:52And our audience could get annoyed with us and go like, fucking stop with the steamroll. And it's like, I understand, but I'm also producing the show. Each call is 25 minutes. We got to find some levity and some lightness. So that's why the kidney one is so fun because it was a really fun caller. She's really funny. Yeah, it starts so inane, fucking popcorn in bed. But also she's really funny because she'll be like, enough with the popcorn. And then we found out we're like, it's got brain cancer. What are you, nuts? Well, I was going to say, I'm shocked that people - Give this guy a break. I'm happy people volunteer to donate their kidney because if you start off by saying like, if you keep this guy alive, he's going to drive this woman crazy with all the popcorn eating.

50:28So you're always like, I don't know what the ethical thing to do is here. But what I love about podcasts, and I don't know if you guys love the same part of it, but the audience gets to know your podcast personality and who you are on the show. And there's parts of it they like and there's parts you don't like and the callers get annoyed with you. I love when somebody calls in our show and we pitch and they don't like it or they go like, eh, they're like, don't do that right now. Don't do that thing you do. It makes it feel like we're old friends. It's like a weird cousin. I do a thing that whoever I'm talking to, I do kind of side with them.

51:02So if somebody calls in and they go, I'm bringing my husband on, but you can't side with them. The premise is you're on our side. I'm like, I agree with you right now. Once that other guy starts to talk and I'm like, I got a squirrel's brain, man. So to have somebody then be legitimately being like, this sucks, Jake. I wouldn't have called in. I'm like, you're mad at me. Like we know each other. You just called in and that feels really joyful. It'll finish. Connection. I'll hit the little zoom and then Gareth and I will text. We'll both be like, it's still fun. Yeah. You're like, it's still there.

51:33Yeah. I'm a little jealous that you have that lane you can occupy. Cause I even think that's one part of Stern I love is just occasionally he's got the call and he's like, you're terrible. What are you, what phone are you on? Are you in the Lincoln Tunnel? He's like berating them. That's enough. Or I want to get off this call. I know my audience is bored. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems kind of fun. It's copied from him because I did always like where he would go like, what are you talking about? And you'd be like, he's a dick, but I love his whole group, but he's too mean, but I also was bored.

52:04Uh-huh. Yes. He's doing the dirty work. It was getting a little bit boring. So I do like that element of it. But what we can't do that you guys can do is when ours gets sincere and there is something, you're like, we got to still make it light. If we do the kidney thing, there can't be an emotional moment. What it has to then be, it'll be a version of like the dating game. Our friend Steve Berg will be our Chuck Worley where he'll be like, Jesus Christ, who's the number one cadet? And it'll be silly and ridiculous. And the sweetness will come after when we're alone, where we'll go like, geez, this is really heavy.

52:40But we'll never present that out. That comes later when we're alone. It's the same thing with like the Jeff stuff. Our show isn't saying this community means a lot. This is really fun. This is a great connection. We go like, check out how funny that guy's armpits smell. But I'm like, I like that zone. But some of the topics are really funny. like the HOA tyrant episode, someone calling about a HOA president issuing fines and rules. You stumble into all these grievances people have. I love it. There's one right now that made me think of that. I don't know if it's that one, but there was a woman who they were doing construction across the street on a new building.

53:20And from her window, she could see right into the bathroom and they had frosted the top, but not the bottom. So she could watch the construction workers take shits. Oh, wow. She's like, I have to tell that because people buying it think it's frosted, but I can see them go to the bathroom. And so then we had her go with her phone and record on a voice note talking to the builders. Oh, really? You have these guys in the background being like, no way. You can see us? They've all jerked off, too. Right? If you're taking a shit at work, you're definitely jerking off. I know. Have you ever had a terrible job?

53:55That's your only ray of sunlight. Do you take a dump and jerk off at the same time, you animal? You take a dump and then you're there and you're nude. And you start thinking and you don't want to go back to it. What if you're nude? What are you, a four-year-old boy? Well, if the situation calls for it. Oh, my God. If it's honest, sometimes I'll get fully nude. I don't think so. I don't think so. You didn't jerk off at work with shitty jobs back when you were a kid? I don't think so. Oh, my God. First of all, I couldn't go through a whole day without jerking off in my late teens. I worked at this place that built race cars and it was all like 35 year old mechanics.

54:31They were disgusting when I was 15 and I was so nervous. But they had a stack of smokers in the toilet. I look forward to going to work so I could go sit in that bathroom. Look at the really terrible dirty magazine. Everyone's touched that. You wait till you're done to think about that. The internet was another world. Yeah, you just needed a nice magazine. Wow, so you weren't doing a lot of that. I don't remember if I was. I'm sure I have, but it's not one of the things that's front of mind. It's not sticking out to you. It's not sticking out. Okay, I do want to know about The Dink, because when does it come out, and how did it come about?

55:08Because it's you and Stiller are producing? Yeah, so it's coming out end of spring on Apple, and that came about, do you know Sean Clements, the writer at all? No. He's a UCB guy, right? He's a UCB guy. So funny. We did a show years ago called Alan Gregory that Jonah Hill was on, that Sean was a writer, and I was doing bits on it and he and I just partnered up. So we do the occasional once every like six month lunch. It was a few years back and he said, what are you working on? I was like, nothing. I'm just doing the podcast. I don't know if I want to work. I don't work anymore. I was like, I kind of don't work anymore.

55:38And then he goes, what would you want to work on? And this was pre-Trump coming back into office. I go, I know things are going to get really crazy at the election and the country is going to get really ugly. I want to make something that's big and ridiculous and fun with big comedic set pieces. I was like, I just want to be on a set where it's funny again. I don't want to do anything that's teaching anybody anything. I don't want any message. I don't want anyone to try to learn anything. And then he's like, do you play pickleball? And I'm like, no. So for Father's Day, 2023. Loved that, by the way.

56:07Loved volleyball, too. 2024, maybe. The volleyball one I've thought about, too. Father's Day sports. Do you remember? It was a wall-to-wall sports tournament. You ever watched Physical Asia? I watched Physical 100. I know Asia's now out and I haven't seen it, but I've watched the previous season. When you said the volleyball and the pickleball, I was thinking your Father's Day was just physical. Physical 100. Physical dance. Yeah, yeah. There should have been a hang. It's like field day all over. It was. It was. Really fun. And a masseuse. Yes. But he said, we got a big, fun movie idea, then sent it to Stiller.

56:38Stiller is in it, produces it, got to do two-person scenes with him where we got to improvise. Tell me about that. One of the funniest guys I've ever done a scene with. It was so fun being in the scenes with him because you forget, oh, yeah, I got into this because I really like bits. I like laughs. I like really funny people. He was doing an improv that didn't make the movie. He was talking about like money and he was improvising. I was saying he went to a prostitute or something and he was trying to break down what is prostitution. And I'm not going to try to redo the bit, but watching him find the bit, I was just in the scene with him asking him questions.

57:12I started laughing so hard and I just was like, oh yeah, there's a reason he became Ben Stiller. because he's so funny. And then watching him, he reminded me comedically of my buddy Bill Bungroth when my buddy Billy does bits. And I was like, oh, there's a time Ben Stiller was like 14 and funny. Yeah. You're like, it's the same rhythm. Like his whole bit was, oh wait, I give you this paper that's green and you do a sex act. He was in, I'd be like, well, yeah, if you're paying for sex and he's like, by this? And he just fully committed to this. It was so stupid. But I was like, holy shit, there's a reason he's him.

57:51Yeah. Yeah. We take it for granted after a while. You take it for granted. And then you watch enough stuff. There's now so many options that you'll be like, yeah, I've seen him a bunch. Right. But being face to face, I'm sure you guys get this here. Anthony Hopkins, we just had on it. Yes. In the middle, you're like, oh, yeah, what? You're just a person. And we're like, oh, my God. It's madness. Yeah. And that goes back to what I still really like about it that I missed, where you get to go like, oh, you're so good at this. And even someone like Dakota, it worked out. She had liked Joe's movies as we were putting the movie together.

58:22I didn't have a lot of thoughts. She's great. I know I'm a fan. When it's in between action and cut and you go like, oh, right. That's why at six, you got cast with Denzel. It's not by chance. Right. Okay. My last question for you, because we've had you now several times and I'm aware of it and I had some interest in it, but now I have an entirely new interest in it. because this summer the family we did tom cruises cruises is what we called it so the whole summer we were only allowed to watch tom cruise movies at night and we were all nashville together for two months so that's fun we watched every mission possible all a how are they they're phenomenal they're impossibly good yeah i bet you're like oh my god they're way better than i remember and i remember they were great and he are so good best movie star of all time the best there is a sequence in one of the MIs, maybe four or five.

59:15And it's Philip Seymour Hoffman talking to Tom and he's Ethan Hunt and he's cuffed to a chair. And Philip Seymour Hoffman is counting down to 10. And at 10, he's going to kill his fiance. So it's a real-time countdown in 10 seconds, basically. 10, not, you know, Phil. Cruz is giving you fucking explosive anger, then pleading acceptance, then fawning, then a snap, it's not going to work. back to aggression and then the fucking solo tear coming out at the end at 10 and i'm like no actor has ever given us the whole range of human emotions in 10 seconds he's the best stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare

1:00:07I was just obsessed with him after the summer and I'd be talking about him nonstop as I do And Adam Scott, I thought, made the best point when I was talking to him about Tom Cruise. And he said, I think Tom's unique gif is he's not acting for him for like what his character would do. He's not acting for the director. He more than anybody is acting for the audience. He's 100 % right. The international audience. Yeah. So with that theory on the table, which I feel like he's right about, what is it like being in scenes with him? And can you feel that? Is it disorienting? It's all positive. Here's my story of it.

1:00:40And he would not like that I was telling this, not for any other reason, because he didn't want to do this because he thought it was disrespectful. But I begged him to because I didn't. So when you work with him, he does have it all figured out in his head. He knows exactly how it's supposed to go and how it's going to be received and how we could get there. And so we would do scenes together. And for me, it was like, wow, I get to connect to the invisible with you, man. Like I get to mix it up. But I could tell for him, he was a little bit like, it's great. it's great and we were working out one morning there was a big scene where me and him are going through some tunnel i never read the whole script sorry can i write what movie it was called the mummy thank you so i've never seen the movie and i never read the script because they never had one for me okay so my my job on that was i would get pages and they would go we need you tuesday and wednesday wow i would memorize those pages and i'd be like why do i need to be there at five they're like because you're getting a prosthetic and i'll go why would i have a prosthetic and And they're like, because you're dead and coming back to life.

1:01:42And I'd go like, yeah, okay. Good to know. So I guess the 5 a.m. call does make sense this morning. But so I knew we had a big scene and he loves oners. We did all of our stunts. He wants everything in two shots together. So I knew how he wanted it. I knew he wanted it like this. We're going to do a big walk and talk, turn a corner, stop and go. And I was like, I know my pace is slow. and if I'm given my instincts, I'm looking for stuff. I'm looking at the set. Shiny objects, man. This raccoon looks. So if we're in a scene and we're going and I see something, I'm going to go, right. He doesn't want my head to do that because then the audience is going to go, what's that?

1:02:21Yes. So I said to him before we started this big day and we had become friends by this point. So there was a lot of trust. We worked out all the time together. We flew to Africa, just me, him, and Annabelle Wallace in his plane at his house working out a lot of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We buddied up. Tons of bits, tons of jokes. He's funny. He's funny. On his plane, we said, let's watch a movie. And Annabelle Wallace goes, got any good Tom Cruise movies? He went through his library and goes like, you like a romantic comedy? And then we pitch. He gets the jokes. Oh, that's fantastic. Super funny.

1:02:50He gets the jokes. What, do you want to fall in love with me or be scared of me? He'd go like, do you like military stuff? And we'd be like, yeah. But then pitch three of them. And then you really realize this man's done everything. Yeah. But we're in the workout trailer. And I was like, I know this scene's going to get hard because we're going to do like seven takes and then he's gonna out of respect talk to the director then the director's gonna play telephone try to explain to me and i'm not gonna fully get it yeah so i said hey man can we just do something that's insane because it was just me and him and the trainer i go can you do the scene in here as both of our characters and he goes no and i go please and he goes no because that's disrespectful i want you to trust you and i go i'm working with you it's a different thing I'm here only because of you.

1:03:34Not one part of me feels sensitive. And he was like, I don't feel comfortable doing it. And I was like, I'm begging to see it. I was like, even if it's terrible, it's comedic. I'm just begging to see it. And he and the trailer did both. Okay. And what did you learn in that? The pace for me was really fast, really on it. It was movement, movement, movement. And I was like, oh, I never would have gotten there on my own. And when the director said, why don't we speed it up? those kind of directions mean nothing to me. Yeah. So I'd be like, speed water. But when I heard him do it, I could just have him in my head.

1:04:10As the tempo. And then once I was doing at the rhythm of which his head, then he would go like, we're getting there. So what Adam said, which is right, was he would say to me at times, you add extra words to jokes, which are very funny for English speakers, it won't translate. So he's like, you can't improvise that. And he goes, you're thinking about America. We got to think international for a movie like this. Nobody, when they dub over your voice, is going to do that. But they have to add those words and it's going to screw it up. Oh, wow. How fascinating. And then he goes, and also when you get improvised, sometimes you talk really fast in little moments.

1:04:42Got to slow it down. People won't understand you. It's like Cirque du Soleil. I watched a segment on 60 Minutes about Cirque du Soleil. It was the most successful thing in Vegas for years, billions of dollars. And it was all because more than half the people that come to Vegas don't speak English. And it's the one show you can go to and you don't need to know anything. I was like, oh, yeah, someone's thinking about that. The other thing about him that is kind of different than what you and I are talking about now, but in 2017 exploded my brain. He knows every single lens and how you're supposed to act for each lens and expects you to also.

1:05:13Oh, wow. That makes sense. So we would be there and then he would go like, we're in a tight. And I was like, right. Basically knock it down a bit. Yes. I'm doing facial expressions for a wide shot. Right. We're tight. You don't have to go like this. That looks insane. It's unusable. go like this. And I was like, oh, I hadn't thought of that. My whole garage gym is based off how his is. He said to Jim a certain way. He does. Oh, yeah. So I guess what I would be fascinated with watching him work, were you at all clocking? Because obviously he's a control freak on a level we can't even understand.

1:05:47Because all of his shit works. And the directors come and go and writers come and go. I think besides The Mummy. I think that was the only one that did that. Well, it was huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We started watching It Was Too Scary. That was one of the only ones that didn't make Tom Cruise's Cruises. I'll hit you with also, we think he needs his own theme park, Tom Cruise's Cruises, because he has enough movies to have a full great theme park. Has he not done this? He hasn't. I've been begging. I can connect you with his assistant because she just contacted me. He does the annual Christmas cake.

1:06:15What's that? Every holiday, he sends everybody a Christmas cake. That he's ever worked with? I don't know. Okay. It's like a coconut cake or something. Thousands of cakes. I've heard about this coconut cake. So I don't know. I just got a text after the movie. Is this your address? Delicious cake. But this fucking dude doesn't eat junk food. When we were working out one day, we did one of these like marathon sessions. We were living in London at the time. And right where we were staying was a pub. And I was going to get the cider. And then I was going to get some fries. All I was thinking when we were working out is when I get home, I'm going to shower up, take the kids there.

1:06:51They'll play in that little green area. Getting fucking chips. I'm going to have two ciders. and then I go, what are you thinking about when you get home? What are you excited about? And he was like, yeah, I'm excited about this. I was like, yeah, me too. But like, what's the reward? Is it chocolate? Is it fries? What is it? And he goes, never. And I go like, okay, you're so disciplined. And I kind of rolled my eyes and I go, why? And he goes, well, I just see it differently than you. He's like, I'm a Ferrari. Why would I ever put bad gasoline in? And I went like, that's a really cool way of looking at it.

1:07:22I don't see it that way. But I was like, but it's cool. It's cool. It's working for him. But that guy sends cakes. He's trying to sandbag his competition. Or he's going, it'd be really nice to eat one of these. Yeah. I'd like you guys to eat 1 ,000 of them. He also knows he's specific. I think he knows that. I'm different from other people. Other people like cake. I don't. What is the answer should have been? And what I would believe more is it's easier to never than to sometimes. Yeah. He's probably a very addictive person. I'm going to tell another story. Yes, please. Okay, because I don't think it's that.

1:07:55Okay, great. I actually think it's the race car thing. And I hope this one's not talking out of school. Okay. So there was a CrossFit trainer who was there with us. She was great. And there was a day where you would get to his gym. He always has a dry erase board with a message for the day, your mantra. God, he's on it. And then what the workout is. It was an AMRAP, as many rounds as possible. But it was a hard AMRAP. Well, that's the acronym for it. Yes. I feel like I should know that for how often I work out. I think it's a CrossFit thing. Okay. But it's as many rounds as possible in a timed thing.

1:08:26Gotcha. Which is a different type of workout. Because what you could also do there, we would do three rounds. So sometimes you'd go and it'd be a whole circuit and it'd be like five rounds. You'd be like, oh. Or it'd be like three rounds. You'd be like, ew. But AMRAP means you sprint through it. You're dead. Yeah. You're going to die. You just literally sprint through it. But the workout was a weird AMRAP. There was really heavy weights. There was just a lot of stuff that you're like, that's a really hard AMRAP. Yeah. And for me, because you know, when you work out with somebody in a small space, you have to be at the same pace because they can't wait for you.

1:09:00You're switching off. And he's number one. So if he's there, he's not waiting. It's his pace. All the time. Everywhere you go. Everywhere you go. Yes. But I was like, I hate this because he's also so respectful. Finish your egg. I don't want to finish my egg. No, you do it. Just you go, man. I'll make up for it. I'm only here because of you. But so he goes, I don't know if this is an AMRAP. This should be just a circuit. And the trainer, rather than saying, okay, goes, well, it's an AMRAP. And then she goes. That was scary. But she didn't, not me, but she was like, it's just going to be an AMRAP.

1:09:34And she goes, but it's a hard one. So just think about your pace a little bit. You don't have to go insane. I took that as like, great. Let's go 70%. Tom goes, well, it's an AMRAP. Do you want three rounds or do you want an AMRAP? And she goes, well, I've scheduled an AMRAP, but don't kill yourself. The thing starts, dude kills himself. Oh my God. He's going so hard. I'm going so hard. I'm looking at the trainer in the, there was two guys, a physio guy, Pete, and then the main trainer. But I'm looking at Pete during it while I'm going, I'm like. Somebody stop us. Yeah. Help. This isn't working.

1:10:11Yeah. Stop it. We're not going to be on set tomorrow because of this. I can't do this. Yeah. We're going. Then like weird burpees. I'm like, oh my God. And you just have to dissociate. And then at a certain point with about five minutes left, we were dead and he got pissed. And he was like, it's too hard. It's not an AMRAP. And he let it out. Yeah, good. Everything he was saying, I agreed with. When the timer went off at the end of the thing, he goes, sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, but that's not an AMRAP. And then he goes, I'm a racehorse. If you say AMRAP, I have to go as many rounds as possible, but it's too hard.

1:10:49And she goes, it was really actually three rounds. He left and I was like, but I actually think for him, he's like, I'm a racehorse. If you say sprint, I have to sprint. Why would I put a French fry in my body? It's not, it will make me eat more. I won't run as fast. Yeah. You didn't have to run with him at all. Yes. You did. Well, I don't know if I sprinted with him or I did the sprint. Certainly off screen, but you didn't have any scenes where you - Yes, watch the first 20 minutes of the movie. You had to keep up with him? Yes. Oh my God. That was so hard. He runs so fast. Dex, we had to run across a full thing they built in Africa to look like the Middle East.

1:11:29It was a U of a town. It's a true story. I get there. The first shot, they go, we have a camera down here. And he goes, we got to be in a two shot. So you have to keep up with me. Oh my God. So we have to run like this as things are exploding. I don't see any nets. so I think because he also does a lot of jokes so I was like here they go everybody's teasing the goofball and it was like all these South African stunt guys everyone's so cool I was the guy they would tease but there was no nets or wires I said to the stunt guy I was like dude we're gonna shoot like this and he was like yeah mate and then I go to Tom before and I go like wait we're really gonna shoot like this and he goes yeah and I go well what happens if we fall and he goes well don't fall.

1:12:08Yeah. They call action and that animal sprints. Yeah. So you sprint with him. Was his pace outrageous? Yeah. Everything he does, his pace of life is outrageous. He's at a hundred. He would get there early. He would look tired. I'd be like, how'd you sleep? He'd be like, I was at it in. I was like, which one? Another one. We're writing another one. I'd be like, you're outrageous. Yeah. He's all or nothing and he's all. And he's always all. Yeah. God, I fucking admire him. What a gift. Yeah, he's the best number one in the whole world. Well, Jake, I I adore you. Thanks for coming. This was so great to see you.

1:12:40Yeah, I'm so glad. I want everyone to listen to We're Here to Help. And then I want everyone to keep their eyes peeled for the dink. Spring on Apple Plus. Yeah. And then the Dakota. Joe Swanberg. We have a new movie coming out. We're going to do the festival circuit. That'll come out. And then there's a new show on Apple. What's the new show? The Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed. That's with Tatiana, Jesse. That's the one I've been doing in New York. Okay. And that's been really fun. Yeah, I just like you. I wish I could tell you in a stronger way. Yeah, I feel the same way. But you know, you feel it, right?

1:13:10We should hold hands on one of the hikes. Nope. But I'm back on Sunday and I'm here all December. And you want to get some hikes in? Yes, I do. I do. I'll reach out. All right. I love you. Love you too, buddy. All right. See you soon.

1:13:27I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. Okay, something huge happened that I doubt you know happened. Okay. And I didn't notice it had happened. Okay. Commenters called it out, and then I had to go back. Just now you walked into my house. Yes. And you overheard me listening to our show. Yes. Which, in any other circumstance, is very embarrassing. Yep. Right? Like, what if a friend popped by, knock, knock, knock, and you're like, yeah, hold on, and you had it really playing loud so you could hear it in the shower?

1:14:00Will you be so humiliated? You know, it's funny you bring this up because I have a post, maybe forthcoming or might be out by the time that this comes out, for a brand. Yeah. And I use that as a joke. Oh, you do? Me listening to my own show. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And you used it as a joke because it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, yeah. Which is interesting, isn't it? Well. Like in some way I could say if a musician listened to their own song, duh. Like they wrote the song they want to hear. That's their idea of what a beautiful sound to their ears is. They made it. Why wouldn't they want to hear it just because they made it?

1:14:41It's kind of like when I've been a little embarrassed laughing at my own jokes at like a movie premiere. Yeah. But then I go like, well, I made the joke I thought was funniest on that day. That's something I think is really funny, which is why I said it. Okay, look, I think that's very pure. I'm feeling very defensive. As somebody who laughs at their own jokes and listens to their own show occasionally. Most people have a hard time. Non-egomaniacs. I'm just going to say most people, okay? Most people have a hard time listening back to their own voice or also they criticize. Like, it'd be hard for a lot of people to hear their song that they wrote and not be like, I don't like that.

1:15:21Sure, sure. But let's say like you're Van Gogh. You do that field of wheat. That was. I cover my ear. You covered your ear. That's good. You're getting into character. Yeah, yeah. You're getting into character, which is what I asked. Yes. So you're Van Gogh and you dreamt up the most beautiful image of this wheat field. Okay. And then you actually got that image from your head onto the canvas the exact way you imagined this fantasy. Yeah. Of course you'd want to stare at it. You were inspired by it. It was the image that you most wanted to see. Yeah. And then you've created it. So, like, why wouldn't you look at it?

1:15:59I mean, I agree with you in theory. For the painter. Yeah, you almost got to go artist by artist. Well, no. Like, if the artist did not, like, if the artist also was just staring and not unable to look away, like, I would be like, ugh. That's like getting caught in your own reflection. There's some myth about that. We're not good at parables. I think maybe it speaks to pure art where you're not doing it for other people. You're doing it for yourself. So that's the nicest way to look at it. Yeah, like how about this? Here are your two binary options. The artist had this beautiful image in their head.

1:16:38They got it out and they just love looking at it because it's this thing they dreamt up. And it's so pleasing and comforting. Yeah. Versus what they really love to do is stand in the gallery and watch people look at the painting and then get this inflated sense of ego that they're impressed by you. Like, that's weirdly worse. Well, I just think most—and maybe this is not true at all, but in my head, most people who create, I might be projecting, are like perfectionists. Yeah. Maybe that's not true. I think it's whatever normal layout distribution. Yeah. Of all personality. I've just never, ever done anything where I think it's perfect in my entire life.

1:17:23So if I'm listening back or looking back or reading back or something, I only see the things that could be better. So I see that. And that's kind of my internal argument of why I do it. Because, look, I feel guilty. Well, there's a couple things that happen where I'll listen to the show. A is like we have a guest I'm genuinely interested in. Yeah. But I was quite busy trying to conduct this interview. And as much as I'm hearing them, I'm not experiencing them as I would as an audience member. Yeah. And I want to. Yeah. It's like I love David Letterman. I'll listen to any podcast he'd ever be on.

1:17:57Right. So I do want to now listen to him and just ignore that I'm there. Yeah. That's one motivation that I'll take. Yeah. And then my other defense is. We need downloads. I've certainly gotten better because I listen to the show. Well, that I think is great. I think it's very smart for you to listen. Yeah. I do listen. You do listen. Yeah, I have to listen. And maybe that's also, you know, this is one of those things. It's like, did the job make you who you are or are you good at the job because of who you were to begin with? Yes. I'm so critical. Right. And I, but I have to be. I was going to say you're entering at a phase of the process that being critical is required.

1:18:47It's required. It's like so nitpicky. You rarely will ever listen to it after. I mean. You just can't get through it. Well. But again, no. Like sometimes I will have to for a certain reason or something or like, oh shit, we have to go back and I have to make another edit in here. and then I am like, oh no, I want to make another edit here. I want, I can't do it. Yeah. It's not, it's not. And it's look, I don't have time. I'm onto the next edit. I don't know. I can't. I'm keep it moving. Um, anyway, what happened? What did we get? Great. That was a lot of, that was a long walk for the listener.

1:19:23I apologize. You sang. Yeah. I, I, you clocked that. Yeah. I clocked it. Eight years. I've been asking you to sing on here. You have refused and the good Lord intervened. For Christmas? The Lord intervened. Wait. Oh. Yes! You sang I Am A C. I Am A C. Okay. And you sang it, Bonnie. And I went back and I listened today because I saw so many comments. I'm like, she did sing, didn't she? Or when did she sing? Oh, wow. Okay. And then I listened and it's so pretty. You do a great job singing that song incorrectly. Spelling Christian A-I-M. Listen, I don't want people to think that's how I sound singing.

1:20:05They should. It sounded beautiful. Well, that's really nice. Do you want to hear it? No, I do not. And I sing better than that. We didn't know that happened. We didn't even know because I don't think that wasn't singing. That was me putting, that was me like doing a half. That was just a rhythm. You could ask a seven-year-old what just happened if you played the clip and they go, oh, that girl sang. Like, even a child would know you sang. Oh, yeah. This is interesting because now I feel like now I need people to know what my voice really sounds like. Right. Even better. Why don't you work on a song for the next few weeks?

1:20:42No. And then come in and sing the hell out of it. No. Is there a song you sing in your real life along to the radio that you think you nail? I think you know what mine is. Billy Joel, for whatever reason, I think I can match him note for note. I mean, I'm smart enough to know that's not happening. Right. But I feel in my body, I'm like, oh, yeah, he and I have the exact same range. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I do. Captain Jack, we'll get you high tonight. That wasn't it. I didn't pick my ideal moment. You haven't warmed up. I don't know. I gotta hear it. You gotta warm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I do.

1:21:17This is so egotistical. Yeah, great. I. Taylor. This is like, this is like when Kristen thinks she can play all the Olympic sports. Yes, yes, yes. This is like that. Yes. Where I kind of feel. Like you could be most pop stars? No. It's only when I'm singing along. I cannot do it if I'm just on my own singing. I get way too self-conscious. Right. But if I am, a song's playing in the car. Yes. I feel I'm pretty, really, really good. Really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't say pretty good because I know you, because again, I, objectively, your singing voice is really, truly 10x of what mine is, I'm sure.

1:22:06Like if a computer analyzed it. And I'm telling you that I think I sing Billy Joel like 88 % as good as him when I'm in the car. Yeah. So you probably feel like you might even sound better if you're being really honest with the audience. Oh, my God. I could be a superstar. What am I doing in this stupid car? Sometimes I'll get a little validation. Okay. From? Who do you sing in front of? Well, I'm in the car with Jess a lot. Okay, great. And every now and then, and I get, I think I feel comforted because I don't think anyone can hear me. Yeah. Because you can really only hear the radio. Yes. Or the whatever, Spotify, whatever it is, whatever's playing.

1:22:49And I think no one can hear me but me. But really other - Oh, even passengers in the car? Right. That's a crazy thought. I guess I think because it's matched so perfectly. Oh, right. That's imperceptible. Yeah. You're just like, oh, there's a fifth speaker in the car. Yeah. And every now and then - Jess will tell you you did a nice job. He's just like, oh. He's like mad that it's so good. Oh, wow. Good. That's the real compliment if you make him mad. And one time I was at a bar in Palm Springs, a gay bar that plays musical theater. It's Erica's favorite bar. So sometimes on 4th of July we'll go as the group.

1:23:35And it's so loud in there. Same situation. No one could possibly hear me singing. And I guess that's not true because Ryan was like, oh, my God, you can sing. Wait, you were just singing sitting at the bar? No, no, no. Or you went on stage? It's playing musical theater so loud on all the TVs. And you just start singing along? Yeah, because it's everyone singing. It's just like loud, and that's the point of the bar. Thank you. It's a sing-along. Yes. Okay. I thought you were just at the bar. No. It's on TV, some musical theater's playing, and you're like. No. Oklahoma whatever the theme song is Oklahoma give me an okay Oklahoma anywho so I got a compliment there and I felt good about it yeah and um yeah but if I'm on my own do you ever not trust Ryan and I know he listens but I don't mind that he hears this do you ever not trust Ryan because he's so nice and he's so kind no I trust him you do yeah I don't he'll say nice things to me and I'm like God I want to believe that's so bad but you're so nice I don't know if I can trust that um Your nose is so small.

1:24:43Each compliment's individual. Yeah. Just be aware of it. Clock it. No, I don't want to. I want to be able to take that, okay? That's the right way to do it. I just, sometimes I think he can't really think that. You know, it's just insecurity. Well. And he's so nice. Whereas, like, if Eric gives you a compliment, you know he means it because it's terrible. And he's ruined your day. He says the meanest compliments to me. Truly compliments. Like he's attempting and he's putting his foot in his mouth. So it doesn't go well. And then I go, now that's a genuine compliment. It hurt the person's feelings.

1:25:19Yeah, sure. I don't want him to ever give me any more compliments. Tell folks some of the compliments he's given you. And look, before you even say it, let me tell you that I know personally from Eric, he thinks you're really pretty. He does. He thinks you're really pretty. And he's obsessed with your feet. Yeah. So let's just start that that's how he feels. He's never said he's never given me any classic Eric, horrible compliments about my feet. They're always very positive. Okay. And he lands those. They're regular. Yeah. So hit us with a couple of his compliments. Most of his compliments are about my skin.

1:25:57Oh, okay. Which we know it's triggering. It's very sensitive. Literally and figuratively. Yeah. I have extremely sensitive skin and my feelings about my skin are very sensitive. Yeah. I – Your skin looks great. Thank you. And that's an Eric compliment, not a Ryan compliment. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:26:30I don't know what to believe anymore. I love Ryan. Ryan, listen. He's, he truly is the sweetest. He's the sweetest and he is so nice. But I've heard him say mean things. Sure. Like, I don't think every, it's not like I think he's a bunch of bullshit. No, he's just so nice. So, yeah. So he often will tell me, like, my skin looks really nice. Can you believe it? It used to look so bad. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's a couple very specific ones I'm thinking of. Like, you came over with makeup on, maybe? Okay, this is the original one. I was in glam. It wasn't just regular makeup. I was in full glam.

1:27:10To be on camera. Yeah, to be on camera. It didn't look how anyone should look just walking around. And he said, oh my God, you look so pretty. Why don't you wear more makeup? How will you get a boyfriend if you don't wear makeup? That's what he said. Okay, that was the original one. But he since has given me some like really ones that actually haunt me. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, no. Okay, then this isn't very fun. I know. I thought this was more fun than it was. He'll kill himself over it. He'll kill himself, so I can't really go there because he does love me. I know he loves me. He loves you so much, and he thinks you're very pretty.

1:27:45I don't know about that, but it's okay. He does. He does. He does. He's told me independently in a less clunky way. Well, you know, he gives me compliments that are like that, too. He'll go like, he'll go, you were in such a good mood in Nashville over Memorial Day. And I'll go, oh, thank you. And then I'm like, as opposed to like, why is this worth me? And I'll go, was there a period that you thought I wasn't in a good mood? And I'll go like, well, you seem really stressed the week in the summertime. And so it's like you were in such a good mood. And then I just go, oh, so he thought I was in a bad mood.

1:28:21I'm like rough to be around sometimes. And so, yeah, he does it to me. It's just not about my looks, which would sting deeper. They sting the deepest. That's hard. He also said on Thanksgiving, our friends giving, pod giving, he said, no, you should drink. You're more fun when you drink. And I was like, what? And he said, no, no, you're just like you're less like. And I know he wanted to say uptight. And I was like, well, do you mean like I'm less vigilant? I'm paying attention less. You helped him articulate. Yeah. And he was like, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, you would like that. Right, right. And then you popped in.

1:29:06Then you said, yeah, you're just less sharp. And that was, you were trying to make it nicer. I was trying to help, I guess. You were. Well, I didn't help. No, you did. Is there a way to say to somebody, like, what if you do think someone's more fun when they drink? Yeah. And so they're like, I don't know if I should drink. And you're like, I'd prefer you drink. how do you say that in a way that doesn't make the person feel like they're not fun when they don't drink? Because you could really just be saying you go from an A to an A plus. I mean, that could be the reality. Well, if it's an A to an A plus, then you shouldn't say anything.

1:29:41You should only say something if it's an F to an A plus. If it's really like, oh shit, this is like a horrible person to be around. Right. You're like, I'm thinking about brushing my teeth. And they're like, you should. You're like, oh fuck, my breath always smells. And they should know that. is that an example? I say, oh shit, I gotta run upstairs and brush my teeth before we go. Oh, you know what? I gotta go brush my teeth before we record. Thank God! Oh, great. Good. Good.

1:30:09I don't think I'm mentally prepared for this right now. Okay, I'll do it. Okay. Oh, I'm gonna quickly go throw some deodorant on. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's how I would do it. Oh, that was? Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I What I What'd you gather? I gathered that You don't think I need it Oh Yeah Tell me you're gonna I'm so subtle Tell me you're gonna Go put some deodorant on Oh you know what I'm gonna go put some deodorant on Before I Before we do this Oh okay Yeah that's That is I don't think you need it Listen I am Hypersensitive To you Okay I don't have to be Hypersensitive to Eric Because he just says stuff Yeah But if you said that what you just did.

1:30:58Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't know. Yes. I wouldn't know. I'd be like, oh. And vice versa. I worked with someone. Oh. And the person, I could not help but go like, what a genius fucking road they staked out for themselves. They're like, you never know when he's going to be here. What's that mean? Oh. The, the, the, the, just the overall vibe is like, yeah, he doesn't take anything serious. And it's, it's charming. Right. And it's kind of genius. Cause no one's ever upset. Like if, if this person shows up a day late for your party, you're like, this fucking guy rolled in a day late. You think it's so funny.

1:31:41Wow. There are people that are too dumb to even know they're that way. Yeah. And then there's a handful of people where you're like, this guy's a thousand times smarter than he's acting. and he gets away with murder because everyone has assessed him. Yeah. You can kind of see him jumping off on Eric. Like Eric started this wonderful thing. That's the difference between how you would take something he says and what I say. Like I've kind of claimed this, oh, I'm dependable and responsible. Yeah. And when I act crazy, it's uncomfortable and disruptive. Sure, sure. And Eric leads with, I'm a loose cannon.

1:32:14Yes. And so if you looked over and saw Eric naked at Thanksgiving standing on the fucking island with putting a turkey drumstick up his ass, you wouldn't like wonder if he had relapsed or if he had lost his mind. Right. If Erica did that, you'd be like, oh, we got to take her to the hospital. Nearly, she's had a mental collapse. So like you build in this huge latitude of acceptance if you just lead with it and then you just live with whatever the downside is. Okay, this is interesting. I think Eric rides the line well. Oh, perfectly. But he, in general, that type of, not his personality, but this one you're saying like, oh, because Eric is reliable.

1:33:00For sure. For sure. Yeah, I'm not attributing any of those aforementioned attributes to Eric. Only Eric's craziness. Right, right, right. But, like, if someone is unreliable or, like, oh, like, we'll see if they come or. Yeah. That, to me, is a defense mechanism of them. Okay. A non-committal, like, a refusal to commit to people, things, anything. Uh-huh. Because you don't want to be then, like. Responsible. Exactly. So I could only be very, very distant friends with someone like that. I could never really have someone like that in my life who I, like, called dear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's the fallout.

1:33:48I don't know how many intimate relationships you could really, really have. Well, no, these people I'm describing, they do totally fine. They do? Yes, in the same way that, like, but, like, addicts. You know, people are attracted to addicts. Why be attracted to addicts? They're a fucking time bomb and it's a pain in the ass and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So someone who might love the goofy guy who rolls in whenever could never date an addict. Yeah, maybe. And then you would never want to date this unpredictable, you know. Yeah. I mean more. I guess what I'm saying is there's an ass for every seat.

1:34:21The person I'm talking about has a lot of options. Okay. But I don't know how fulfilling those relationships are because if this person can't decide that this is important, whatever this is, whether it's the person, the job, the whatever, like, that's really hard. That's a hard life. Like, you have to make some decisions about things. You have to make some. For you and I, it'd be really hard. Yeah. And for some people, it wouldn't be hard at all. Yeah, I guess that's true. Speaking of Eric. Yeah. Let's also say there's nobody we love more than Eric. So much. Everyone in America would be so lucky to have Eric as a best friend.

1:35:02Oh, my God. I know. We're so lucky. And that is what I'm getting at. So we had Secret Turkey, which is the best day of the year. It's so beautiful. It's just the most. Gets better. It gets better and better every year. I thought this year was the best one. And, like, it just really fills my heart. It warms the cockles. It really does. Everyone just taking time out of their busy, busy, busy lives to make something for someone. And it's all so thoughtful. Now, can I ask a question that potentially is triggering? Yeah. Do you think you can evaluate this year's secret turkey independent of your own gift you gave?

1:35:46I'm only asking because you happened to crush this year. Thank you. You don't even mean to tell you that. It was unanimous in the group that you had slayed this year. Oh, that's really nice. So do you think it's possible to evaluate? Like for me, if I crushed, I don't even know if I'd be able to evaluate how the rest of the thing went because I would just be so excited I crushed. No, I do. You can do both. I just saw like, you know, everyone came in. We did it at the Richardsons and everyone, you know, brought their little gift in and put it on the table. And I was just staring at that table like, oh, my God.

1:36:23It's a physical embodiment of. So much care and love. And it's all everyone wrapped their thing. I don't know. I just I it's so beautiful to me. And then it was like time for secret turkey. And everyone goes and picks up their present and like looks so stupid, carrying their stupid present into the other room. And it's just so sweet. But yeah. So Eric had me. Yes. And he got me the best gift. It was so thoughtful. So on my birthday, I think we maybe talked about it on a fact check. On my birthday, Eric came wearing this like shirt, this shirt of his. It was like a family heirloom shirt. Well, his high school business he started, which was hauling junk away from people's houses.

1:37:12Yeah. And it was this really cool shirt. It was yellow. It was vintage. Probably from 88. He's five years older than me. I know. I think 87. Oh, possibly. Because I was like, that's when I was born. And I got really excited about this shirt and I asked if I could have it. The shirt off his back. You did the proverbial ask for his shirt off his back. I literally asked if I could have the shirt off his back. And he's, it's a one of one. There's not another. And he said no. Good for him. I know. I'm actually blown away he said no. I'm shocked too. Yeah. He said no because he has to give it to his kids.

1:37:51Right. Now, that hurt. But I had to accept it. If you say you're giving it to your kids, it's like, ugh, I guess I have to accept it. Kryptonite. Yeah. But it hurt just like the way his compliments hurt. Sure. And for Secret Turkey, he had the shirt remade for me. Few copies, right? Yeah. Different colors? Yeah. A couple colors, a couple sizes so I can grow into it. and it was so, so sweet. You should wear it on the next fact check. I will. Okay. I will. Yeah. It was so, so sweet. And then - You gave though. I gave. Ryan. Yes. So on Halloween - Okay. I guess we have to say this. We have to. On Halloween - Someone ended up in our house.

1:38:37Someone ended up in your house that was new. I mean, I know how they did. It was friends of a friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot Chili Peppers. What was better, though, is he was a zombie? No, like. A mummy. Yeah. So there's just a mummy in the house. And then at some point he said to someone he was with, like, can you help me get this tape off my face, basically. His entire face was obscured. Yeah. And then it was a big reveal. It was Anthony Kiedis. It was powerful. I wasn't here for this. But it rippled. It rippled. I was outside, so I actually never made contact with Anthony Phoenix.

1:39:15Oh, you didn't? No. Okay. We ran into him early trick-or-treating, and he was very nice to Vinny, and I had no idea until now. Well, how could you? He was a mummy. He was a friendly mummy. But Ryan, I've never seen him react. And you've seen him around a lot of celebrities. Oh, yeah. He doesn't care. He himself is an actor. So, but he was like so starstruck and could not keep it together. And he like kept offering to take out the trash so he could walk by him. And it was so cute. And he came outside and he was like, Anthony Kiedis is here. Yeah, he's like, I can't, he said he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was there.

1:39:54Yeah. Yes. And then the next day we were watching the Dodgers game and he brought up Anthony Kiedis like many, many times. Yeah. It was clear this really had an impact on him. Anyway, I made a photo album. It's a beautiful photo album. I'm going to shout it out. Artifact Uprising is the brand. Obviously, Callie told me about this because she has the best taste. And it's like printed on the paper. The pictures are printed on the like thick cardstock pages. It's beautiful. It's like bound and you can ingrate whatever. What's it called? I guess. On the front. Anyway, so I asked Amy for 20 pictures of her and Ryan.

1:40:39Their most lovey-dovey, cute pictures. Lovey, yes. Over the years. Mm-hmm. And I had Anthony Kiedis' face Photoshopped over Amy's face on all the pictures. But I got to say, even way better than that, the book is presented to him, and it says the story of R &A. The front says R plus A, and on the side it says a love story. Love story. So clearly everyone in the room is like, how cute. It's a Ryan and Amy love story. A for Amy. Yep. And then he opens it up and discovered it's A for Anthony. That's right. It's great. You know what's great about it? Not only it's great in its concept and execution, but then you also got to factor in like Ryan, not unlike myself, has had so many bonkers looks over the years.

1:41:27Yes. There's also so much comedy and just seeing Ryan at 16 and then 21 and then imagining him with Anthony that whole time. Yes. It's great. There's a picture of Amy and Ryan kissing and Amy's pregnant, but it's Anthony and it's fantastic. Like if Ryan is listening, A, I think you're way better looking than me. You know that. I think you're one of the cutest guys in the world. Are you going to give an air compliment? I'm going to say that he had a few years of his life where he looked like Guy Fieri. Oh, sure. He had an air cut. He had a very specific hairstyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So to see Guy Fieri wrapped around Anthony Kiedis is pretty funny.

1:42:05It was a fun one. But I was scary because I didn't think it was going to come in time. I had to reach out and I was like, and I had to say, look, we have this tradition. It's this. It's really meaningful. I don't know if you can rush it. And they're like, we're going to try. And they did it for me and it was really nice. But I had to have a backup. Oh, so you have a secondary. So now I just own a photo album of pictures. It's like not nearly as good. It's just pictures and a photo album. You have a coffee table book in one of your rooms in your new house. We'll consider it. Yeah. The present I gave was just fine.

1:42:40No, it was great. No, it was fine. But the payoff ended up being really funny, which just happened, which is Molly and Eric and I were with Larry Trilling and Jen, his wife, and we were going out to see a comedy show at Largo. and we had walked by this bong store and in the window is this enormous penis bong. Right. And I said to Molly, you know, you should really think about if you're ever going to smoke weed, that might be a good starter pipe for you. So we have this long joke about this pipe and it's obnoxious and blah, blah, blah. So then we went into the theater and then I said I had to go to the bathroom and then I went back to the bong shop and bought that penis.

1:43:18Yes, then. I was like, I never ever know of anything. That's fantastic. That's very thoughtful. Hit it in the truck. So anyways, I then decorated this huge glass penis bong. I'm going to back up. Often, all through COVID, we had this thing where you guys drank so much wine. We did. And I lived to go get it on the motorcycle. And everyone would time me. And I was constantly trying to beat my time. But all the time I'm walking out of the store with like six bottles of wine in my hand. Yeah. And it crosses my mind like, oh, what if a paparazzi photo? And so, of course, I'm standing at the counter buying this big cock ball.

1:43:54And I'm like, you know, is this something that gets out? Right. So then I decorated it around the balls. I made it like earth and grass. And I actually glued like some foliage to it. And then the cock, I made a big candy cane. Yeah, you made it Christmassy. I made it Christmassy to the point where you don't even really know what you're looking at. So anyways, the present's fine. It would give it a six. But Molly sent me a picture yesterday. The housekeeper put it, arranged it with all the Christmas decorations. Of course. She came home and it was just on display with their normal Christmas decorations.

1:44:32As it should be. And that made me really happy. It's kind of like the penis from White Elephant that ended up ultimately looking like a beautiful Christmas tree. Yes. Cock-a-draars. Cock-a-draars it was. Yeah. Dick of drawers? Yeah, dick of drawers. Dick of drawers. Anyway, yeah, no, it was great. Everyone did such a beautiful job. Yeah, Erica made me an incredible, that game, Guess Who? Yes. If you've not played it, you, like, get to give clues. Like, this person would have fallen down after lunch. Can you pick a nerd? I don't know. And she made it with all special people from my world. I know, it's so lovely.

1:45:10And she did a lot of work, too. Because she had to, she doesn't know everyone I'm so close to. She got, like, Panay. Yay. Yes. All childhood. My friend Newman from Detroit. I don't know how the hell she found out about Newman. Maybe she asked Aaron. She must have talked to Aaron. Yeah. That's so sweet. Yeah. It's very sweet. But this is what. But that's so thoughtful. It's so thoughtful. Like someone took the time to find out my closest friends from my whole life. I know. Yeah. That's beautiful. It's a lovely thing. I would encourage people to get into secret turkey. I think Lily should start a business where she like comes in and eventizes and makes things like really memorable for your party.

1:45:46I agree. I think it'd be a cool business. I agree. Okay. Real quick. I'm going to give one present idea. I think a great thing to get somebody who cooks is a cookbook. There's multiple options here. but I mean, I'm obviously going to recommend Alison Roman's new cookbook. It just came out. It's called something from nothing. It's beautiful and delicious. And also, or you could go the route of finding out their favorite restaurant. And often restaurants have their own cookbook. A lot of restaurants do, or like, you know, their favorite restaurant in New York might have a cookbook or something. Get that.

1:46:30And then you pair that. I'm into pairings. Okay. So you pair your cookbook with either, depending on your budget, a nice like La Croce pan or pot or stob. I got Kristen a wicked La Croce for Christmas. And I wouldn't normally be saying that out loud, but it got shipped to Nashville and she unwrapped it. Oh, so she knows. She got it early. Yeah. Yeah. Like a La Croce or a stob, beautiful cookware. Or I also like this idea. There's a company called Francis May. It's a store in Portland. And they have ornaments on their site that are so cute. They have like a Parmesan cheese rind or a Pomodoro sauce.

1:47:18There's like food ornaments that are very, very, very cute. So I think you could get that and pair it with your cookbook. Yes. And that's a great gift. Great. I love it. And on this topic, Monica. Yes. I would like to tell everyone about a wonderful thing we're participating in this year. So Amazon has this incredible thing called Forgiving Tuesday, right? Yeah. And it's for the holidays. And they asked if we want to be involved. And I very much wanted to be involved because the Covenant House, which has a mission to help youth and young families throughout the holiday season. Amazon has created a charity list where you can purchase items that the Covenant House has specifically requested.

1:47:59and the best part is everything you get gets shipped directly to them. And there are multiple different people participating. Cynthia Rebo is doing it. She has her. Everyone gets to pick a charity. So mine is Covenant House. And I would love for everyone who's inclined to to go participate. And if you want to help, what you can do is go to Amazon.com slash holiday giving to learn more about Amazon's holiday giving campaign and how you can participate. Every gift, no matter how small, can make a real difference in someone's life. So, yes, just go to Amazon.com slash Holiday Giving to learn more.

1:48:31And if you're interested in Covenant House, they're active 24-7 in 34 cities across five countries. And they're just a wonderful group to support. I love this. I'm going to participate. Please participate. And anyone who's inclined to and has a little extra, go there and send some real essentials to the Covenant House. And that would be great. All right. Let's do some facts. Let's do some facts. Okay. Jake. Oh. What? JJ. Wait, this is creeps. What happened? This is definitely that my computer is listening. Okay. Because I typed in. Oh, no. Never mind. Oh, it's not listening. It's not listening.

1:49:09You can't hear anything. Okay. There's a cake. This is the only fact we have for today. Tom Cruz cake. Oh, the cake he gives out for Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. And I've heard about this before. This is like lore. Legendary cake. A goal in life is to eat this cake. Oh, is to eat it? Yeah. That should be easy. Just ask Jake when he gets sent it this Christmas. I don't want to eat Jake's cake. Why? Because that's his cake. You think he's dirty? No, that's his cake for him to eat with his family. So what you're saying, you're only going to eat one when he sends you one? Yeah. Oh, that's not. That's a goal.

1:49:48Why can't that be a goal? Well, those are two different goals. That just sounds like a goal of getting a present from Tom Cruise. And eating it. And then another goal should be, I want to try this cake he sends to everybody. It's both. It could be both. Yeah. But you might deny yourself half of the riddle, which would be enjoyable, which is tasting this famous cake. Okay. If you're holding out to become friends with Tom Cruise. I don't need to be friends with him. I think you got to be friends with him to receive a cake from him. I don't know. Maybe. It's not like everyone he shakes hands with, he sends this cake to.

1:50:18Maybe he wants to send me this cake. Should I reach out to, I just got a contact for someone in his world. Yeah. To beg him to come on the show. Yeah. Should I send a request for the cake? No. No. Only if he comes on. Well, I would say if he doesn't, if he doesn't want to come on, I understand. Can I still have one of the cakes? Sure. Okay. And then that kind of satisfies your criteria. Yeah, that's true. Yes, he has sent it. To us. Yeah, exactly. White. It's a white chocolate coconut bun cake. and apparently, oh, and it's from a bakery in Woodland Hills called Doan. Doans or Doan? D-O-A-N. Yeah.

1:51:02Do you know it? No, I saw on the image that Rob just put up. I saw Doans. Yeah. And he sends it to a long list of celebrity friends. I wonder how many it is at this point. I mean, I feel like it's a thousand cakes. Can you imagine Doughen, who owns this bakery, is like, okay. Tom's order is coming up. But you know how you're feeling fry. They have to deal with Tom's. So that's my question is, what are the logistics of this? Because you can't bake a thousand cakes in one morning unless they have the biggest factory in California. I know, yeah. Which they don't. No. So are they making them, you know, who gets the one they have?

1:51:48They have to start making them probably five days ahead of time, right? Are they making 200 a day? So someone's getting one that was five days old and someone's getting one that's a few hours old. And I wonder if he has a flowing chart of priority. No, no. I bet he gives the list with some advance. Yeah. And then it's like for two weeks, cakes are going out. Okay. They don't all have to drop. Yeah. 9 a.m. Tom's. Look at not you'll hear a knock at your door. Yeah. All thousand people at 9 a.m. And when you open it, they'll be holding a steamy cake. It's like getting into college when, you know, it's like 9 a.m.

1:52:28You got to check and see if you got in. It's like that. It's 9 a.m. on December 20th. If your door is knocked, you've got a cake. Should there be a whole movie about Tom Cruise's cakes? Because that's like ticking time clock. It's got all the ingredients, pun intended. Yes. For a great high stress. Doc. Oh, doc would be nice. Yeah. I was thinking something fictionalized. Can we make it so that we definitely get hit? Then we definitely get a cake. The ones that fall. Because they have to account for like 4 % failure rate. So they're probably making 100. Because Bundt cakes can collapse. Yeah. So they're making probably 1 ,050 of them.

1:53:11Wow. In anticipation of droppage, leakage. How many people do we think we know who's had it? Obviously, Jake. Five, Jake. I feel like Kimmel has to receive one. Oh, yeah. Right? Probably. I guess anyone we know who's done a movie with them. I guess everyone. We should have asked Billy Crudup if he received a cake. Oh, no. Maybe not because of that cue card situation. Exactly. Okay, this is a good test. Yes, who gets the cake and who doesn't. Yeah. My friend said they'd come the first week of December. so throughout the week they're going out first week of December I'd like to see that push a little closer to Christmas no but it's kind of nice it's like December it's starting my cake is here I'm in this mood I'm in this season alright alright well that cake makes me hungry Emily Blunt cake oh that's a cute for she gets one for sure yeah but that's good for our Halloween mashup oh yeah Emily Blunt cake Emily Blunt cake Alright that's it for Jake That was everything Yeah Okay that's the name of the cake You could order this cake from there I know It's on Gold Belly too Which means anyone can order it Anyone can get it That's why we're saying it But I bet the last The last couple weeks of November Early December You're not going to be able to get it There's quotes sold out because of Tom Yeah you got to get that order in June probably Yeah Yeah.

1:54:43Well, anyway, let us know if you buy it. Yeah. Tell us how it tastes. Yeah. All right. Okay. Bye. Love you. Love you.

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