Jennifer Aniston

23:52Isn't it exhausting? There are some things we'll just never. It is exhausting, but it shows you we're a constant work in progress. We are constantly, no matter what was imprinted into our neural pathways as children, they're there and we can think we've worked on them. But just as we experience life, new moments here and there and new people here and there, someone is going to come in and hit a little something somewhere that you go, whoa, that just made me think of that. Yeah, that's here now. And that, I guess, is still to be looked at. And how wonderful that we have therapy and that we have people that we talk to or friendship group that we can bounce that stuff off so that we don't flip out.

24:33I don't know about your parents or your parents. How old are your parents? My parents are... 49 and 48. Nope. They are not. So they are 63 and 70. 63 and 70. So it's a different generation. I'll let you guess who's what. Oh, wouldn't it be cool if it was reversed? No, it's the normal way. They weren't taught how to process emotions. They're also from India. Oh yeah, mine are also immigrants. So that's another layer on top of zero emotions. Born in India. Yes, both born in India. Were you born in India? No, I was born here. Or I was born in Georgia. No, in this garage. I was born right here. This is where I came to be.

25:06This is kind of where I came to be. She's never left. Look at Chanel. They're Indian and emotions are not to be touched. Ever. Ever. And how do they feel now? No emotions has really cost them some stuff. And so I think they've come around, but it's still like we've talked about it a lot. Dax will be like, you need to tell your dad you love him. And I'm like, I can't. He'll freak out. He'll think I'm dying. He'll freak out. I don't want to kill him. Yes. And I called them this weekend about something kind of emotional. And I can see the panic starting to happen. And I was like, dad, this is why I can't tell you things.

25:43Because now I'm trying to protect you from your emotions. And that can't be what's happening here. I have totally surrendered. It is true. I'll go like, your dad wants to hear you love him. Everyone wants to hear that. I'm wrong. She's right. Are you wrong? You are right. I'm right. I surprised her one time. We were doing a live show in Chicago. And I secretly called them. And I said, can I please bring you to this live show so you can see your little girl and how much people love her? See, now that's going to make me. I can't even say that. I think of me getting to go see my little girl. So I'm like, it's a surprise.

26:19And then I'm like, I can't tell her. If she finds out they're there, she'll recognize how much is happening. And she'll start getting very worried about them just witnessing her be loved on that level. Oh, dad. They did say they were proud of me. That's the first time I've ever heard it. It was so cute. Her dad was like, everyone knows her. He just really thought it was so funny. People wanted to get her picture and stuff. It was pretty great. But hadn't even seen that before. That was probably overwhelming. Oh, yeah. They were overwhelmed. For them. They were very overwhelmed in a good way because all they want is safety for me.

26:52They don't care about any of this stuff. Yeah. I'm sure we'll get to that with you. But all you want is your kid to be safe. And then all this other stuff, it's proof that I am. I'm good on my own. These 5 ,000 people agree she's safe. Yeah. They were relieved for the first time. That was a gift. That's a huge gift. Yeah. How long ago was that? Five years ago, probably. And they said, your mom and I are proud of you. Do not take offense to this. No. I don't. When I've met you, I don't go like child of New York City. How immersed were you in the quite eclectic and colorful world that was Manhattan in the late 70s and 80s?

27:29Were you partaking in the, like we just interviewed Mark Ronson. Yes. He feels very New York. Yes. Or even the incredible director, Jordan. Peel. Peel. Yes. Love him. You know, he's on a block that's quite scary. He's got to walk to school and it informs them the rest of the ride. That's where I was. What was your childhood like being in New York City? Well, we lived in this building on 92nd and Columbus, but the block between Columbus and Amsterdam and then Amsterdam Broadway, that was all abandoned buildings. I was on a bus by myself at 11. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine? By yourself. I know.

28:04Throw your key in your sneaker and see a mom. In a much different New York. Much different New York. Especially up there. It started to become Preppyville and Upper West Side and all that stuff. But no, not when I lived there at all. We'd have to go around the block. There's a sniper in one of the buildings, one of the abandoned buildings. It was all just normal. As I got older, I was mugged. I was mugged a couple times. Like Ross. What'd you say? I said like Ross. Like Ross. He was mugged by Phoebe. Oh, Phoebe. Never forget. Never forget. Terrifying Phoebe. Yeah. And did you have a lot of fear or did you quickly kind of acclimate?

28:42I oddly didn't feel fear. I worked at Jackson Hole at 85th and Columbus. And then I'd walk home at midnight. You know, it's not a lot, but it's still from 85th and Columbus to 92nd and Columbus at midnight. And what was your niche? You loved Duran Duran. Were you in a new wave? Did you dance? I danced. Me and Dre, my best friend, who also has a podcast called Circle This. Shout out Circle This. Go listen to it now. Pause this. Listen to that. Come back. Is she still your best friend? Still my best friend to this day. 14 and 15 when we met, we would go to Danceteria. We'd go to the Limelight. The Palladium was where we really liked to go.

29:19And not a lot. We didn't drink. We didn't smoke. I mean, I might have smoked cigarettes. But no drugs or anything. We just would get dressed up and the amount of Aquanet in our hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Extra firm hold. Oh, extra. The blue, pink. It was like you'd throw it all in. And I would get like the 26-ounce shirt, like the big boy where you'd be wrestling that fucker. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And your eyelashes would have to be like tight open. Just poison all in the air. So crazy. Dance on those boxes that were surrounding the dance floor. Oh, good. So you were devouring the city as much as you can at that age.

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30:38So easy. Apple Pay has been my MVP this season to buy festive fall treats and drinks. And you know I'm on a mission to find the best fall-themed latte in town. You know this. I do know that. How's it going? That maple one you were telling me about sounded pretty insane. It was so good. And get this. You can also use Apple Pay at lots of cafes. No fumbling for your wallet. Just double click, tap and sip. It works at millions of places anywhere you see the contactless symbol in stores or see the Apple Pay button online and in apps. Exactly. Making it easier to enjoy all the fall goodness. Speaking of which, I'm totally set for Halloween.

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31:39Oh, God, I just watched the Charlie Sheen doc last night. Me too, I love it. Oh, my God. It's so fun. And you just go, well, wow. Yeah. All of them. George Clooney. Yes, he's in those little videos. Those videos. And Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage. Yes, to find out they were best friends was a real revelation to me. And that little friend group. And Laura Dern, who was in everything then, and she's in everything now. It's just wild. It kind of feels impossible that they were all this little ragtag group. It's sweet. When Sean Penn says, I can't believe he said this on camera. It's my favorite thing I've heard.

32:16God, which one? I'm trying to know it. He goes, when people do, men do cocaine, copious amounts, they have heightened sexual desires while diminished sexual competency. And I'm like, wow, you said coke dick in the most elegant way I've ever heard someone describe coke dick. That's so interesting and makes so much sense. Yeah. High and desire while you have no competency. What a purgatory. Wow. And yet they keep doing it. Yeah. Over and over. In all sincerity, the moment that I realized, oh, we have a real problem was I was at a bar and I was talking to a very attractive girl and things were going very well.

33:03And I was like, I'm going to get an eight ball. And I was like, if I get an eight ball, I'm not going to be pursuing this anymore. I'm going to get an eight ball. Oh, so did you wait out for a second? I had this snap moment of clarity of like, wow, you're choosing this thing over a girl, which for me, girl was everything. And you really liked this particular girl you were speaking to. It was very attractive. It was very fun. It was going very well. This is going to be so fun. Normally, that's the funnest thing in the world. Right. And I'm like, wow, we've elevated something above this thing that I previously thought was the most attractive thing we could do.

33:36But that was more attractive and prettier. Yeah. Yeah, you were choosing between two drugs. Yes, my first drug and then my second. Torn between two lovers. That's right. Feeling like a fool. That's right. Okay, so then you went to LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts, which is the fame school. Yeah. And fame was on TV when we were kids. Yeah. Well, I saw the movie when I was a kid. I'm sorry. Was it a movie? And then it became a TV show. Okay. Oh, you have to see the movie. Am I right? Alan Parker was the director. It is so magnificent. All due respect to the television show, you'll go, what?

34:10Yeah. Was that? I mean, the cinematography, the characters, the acting. What'd I do? I know. I wondered, too, but it was also looking cute. It's very cute. Oh, I'm very known for Fuzz. But I just want to be protective. Thank you. I know, yeah. Her hair is good. Yeah, she's known for her hair. You know what? I had a whole bag of Lola V for you both, and I walked out of the house without it, so this will be coming to you. I have hair paste for you, shampoo and conditioner for Kristen, too, and then shampoos, everything. I can't wait. And I have a bottle of Aquanet for you. A bottle of what? Aqua Net for me?

34:41Yes. Super extra firm hold. Okay. Not animal tested. No. No. Oh, exclusively animal tested. I think even orphan tested maybe. I think they might have been a little chill probably. I think they went above. They might have just said, screw it, let's hit the kids. Okay, so was it hard to get into that school? I was a very last minute get into that school because, oh God, I was such a bad student. I'm going to say things that would embarrass me forever. I was a terrible student. We have this in common. You're dyslexic, right? Yes. Me too. frustrating and i thought i was the dumbest person alive if only someone thought to take this young kid who struggles to take him to get tested they didn't have it then i don't think what i immediately thought when i learned you were dyslexic is you don't have the same chip on your shoulder i do i've observed you don't have the same chip on your shoulder what does it look like my chip is like i'm a know-it-all everyone thinks i'm dumb i gotta prove i'm smart all the time and it's exhausting you don't have that at all yeah i think that's interesting i kind of just know what i know and I know what I don't know.

35:40There was a period though, where I was mortified to walk into a room or be at a party. I would just think, I don't know. And I don't know how to carry on the conversation. And the truth is the best thing to do is just ask questions. What does that mean? Explain that to me. Knowing what you don't know is the smartest person in the room. The person who knows what they don't know. Listen, textbook smart, street smart. I could say I'm expert street smart. My EQ versus my IQ. So we're doing pretty good. But when they start writing on the chalkboard And you knew there would be questions that would follow that.

36:11If it wasn't auditory, if they weren't telling me something, they were just writing on that chalkboard. I was like, oh, man, I hope to God they don't ask me what just happened. I don't know what the fuck is happening on that chalkboard. It's like hieroglyphics. I was doodling. I was writing little scenes, sketches that we were going to act out at recess. Or I'd write a note to somebody. And then I would just get real good laughs. And I'd be like, bossa. And then I'd be like, what? Oh, I'm sorry. In the hall. Oh, shoot. Bummer. Yes. In the hallway. And I'd stand there for the rest of the class.

36:45I was just constantly maneuvering my way. So I went to performing arts. This sounds terrible. I wanted to be an actor, obviously, because that's all I thought I could do. This could sound awful, but between grade nine and 10, and we were given four books to read. And I was like, I'm never going to read these books. I got to go to another school. Oh. This is not going to happen. I got to change the locations. You saw those four books. It's like, I've just been kicked out of this school. I was like, all right, so where are we going? Because that's not going to happen. This is absolutely not going to happen.

37:20These books are not going to get read. And I don't have any way to figure out a way around that. Can't go stand in the hallway around that. There's no audio books back then. So, yeah. Do you love audio books? I do love audio books, but I used to drift and have to rewind. Yeah, that's fine. That's part of my dyslexia though, too, where you'd be reading and then I'd go, oh, I just read a whole page and I don't know what I read because I'm not comprehending anything. And then my mind would wander. Do you think you might have a little ADHD? I think I might. Yeah. I don't think that about you, but I know my wife is really coming to terms with the fact once I hear those symptoms and how they express in women.

37:56Especially today, we have so many things that can distract us. Yes. At once. Look at this room. A lot of stimuli. I mean, just look at the books. I don't know if you can see who is behind you guys. They're just taunting you. There's like some weird award I can't see clearly up there. If I had to read these books, I'm out of here. I know. You can tell me that the only way that we can be on this podcast is to read these books. You also look like Chris Cornell in that Wheaties box for some reason from where I'm sitting. I'm feeling a little intimidated as well about the books now. They always look nice.

38:31Do you audition to get into things? Yes, it was like late auditions for last minute. I don't know why. I can't honestly remember. Yeah, you just kind of woke up there one day. I just woke up one day. I learned two monologues. I auditioned and then I came back. And then next thing you know, I was accepted. Did it live up to your, I'm sure you had concocted a pretty good fantasy and expectations about what the experience was going to be like. And did it live up to that? No. Okay, great. Well, it moved buildings. Oops. So it wasn't in the old building on 46th street, which was half of this charm.

39:03Yeah. It was this big block building. A soulless building. It was just thousands of kids. Oh, it was huge. Sort of the charm was there. But the theater teachers were still there. They were also in the movie. Oh, fun. Oh, that's cool. A couple of them, Mrs. Shine, Mr. Moody. Did they appreciate you? Because the previous teachers were putting you in the hallway. Did it feel like at least you were kind of appreciated there? I was, except from one teacher, Marat Yusim, who was one of our acting teachers who said I was a disgrace to the theater. Okay. Okay. All right. A little early to make that. Were you?

39:35I probably was. I think I might have been pretty disgraceful. I was doing checkoff and people were laughing. Trying to look for the laughs. Always. Yeah, yeah, of course. Always. Okay, so you make it out of there. You come to LA. You're probably 18? To LA, 19. 19. 1990? No, I'm 20. You're 20 years old. Yeah, because I do three years of waitressing college. And you telemarketed, which is great. I telemarketed when I first moved here. I worked at Jackson Hole. was run by the wonderful Greek family. So I got an off-Broadway show for two months. They'd let me do it. Then I'd come back. Oh, that's nice.

40:08You arrived here. You had a couple of pilots really quick. You guest starred a few times. Quantum's Leap. That's exciting. That's not the name. Quantum Leap. It's not plural. Burke's Law. Burke's Law. Yeah, you did that. There's a third one in there. There's a couple. I did Malloy. I did Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The spinoff TV show. The television show version. Yeah, speaking of fame and the spinoff. So we're keeping a theme. Now, my question there was, when I came here and I got on TV, no matter what it was, it was so exciting because I was the first shepherd to ever be on TV. And I wondered, how does having two parents that had pursued it, one of them's on TV, how did it impact your excitement about getting on these shows?

40:54Their having been in the business? Were you thinking, oh, this isn't good enough or it should be better? or was there already a bar? Well, the bar was just work. My dad was telling me, please don't do this. You're just going to suffer rejection. You're going to be learning science in Athens. Yeah, you're going to end up in Greece anyway. Just go get a real job. All the cliche things. Yeah, it's so shitty. You would think at least two actors would be supportive, but no. Yeah, although I mean, I think some actors today are like, oh, please don't. I hate that. Whatever drives you, if you find passion in something and you love it, go do it.

41:27Back to safety though. Your parents generally want safety for the children, and it's not safe. It is not a safe profession as far as like— It's a high risk. It's a high risk. It's a high risk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mentally fair. So I get it. Yeah, emotionally. That means let's talk about Charlie Sheen. Exactly. Oh, no. He wasn't a kid actor. How old was he? Well, he was fucking young. He was 20 when Platoon won Best Picture. Right. But it wasn't like Bateman on Little House. That's true. But he had made—that was surprising to me, and I kind of admired it. They had made a quadrillion movies, these kids.

42:01Yes. Charlie Sheen and his buddies. They really did. With special effects. Yeah. You could go like, oh, Nepo Baby, blah, blah, blah. But it's like, no, these people have been practicing and were passionate about this since they were little kids. That Nepo Baby thing. It's kind of annoying. Well, you know why? Because here's the deal. Simon, I mean, look at all the law firms. Blanky, blank, blanky, and blanky, blank. I mean, all right. Isn't that a version of it? It's all the family. Okay. So maybe you got into a door because you're so-and-so's kid. But if you suck, guess what? Exactly. You're not going to continue to do it.

42:32They don't give a fuck after one or two. No. You might get one or two. My point is like what you're underestimating is you're only focusing on that you've inherited someone else's status. I get it. I would object to that. That's not fair to everyone else. But what they're not thinking about is like our children have been to sets many times. My kids understand about lenses. I was walking with my daughter when she was six. She made a joke. I laughed. A minute later, she made the same joke. I didn't laugh. And she said out loud at six years old, I went back to the well too much. Whoa. And I'm like, yeah, that's the house she grows up.

43:05And she has a knowledge of this industry that I had about the automotive industry with automotive parents. She knows a lot fucking more and she'll show up knowing a lot more when she's competing with other kids. Now, is that because the door was open for her? Just she has the skill set already. She was privy to have the education. Grew up in Detroit. The commercial was on non-stop was father and son. We build them all. No one's mad. Yeah, that kid was probably 10 carrying bricks and helping the dad build houses. And now they got father and son construction company. Yeah. Okay, I'm only going to ask you a single question about friends.

43:38That's it? I can't guarantee that. Yes, I make no promises and nor would I want to because this is her Sopranos. My thing I found really interesting when I was reading about all this, and I just have such a crush on them. I want to bring them up. But you were kind of feeling like you might want to throw in the towel. You were doing pilot after pilot and they weren't working. And then you ran into Warren Littlefield at a gas station. Is this apocryphal or real? Oh, God, that is true. Yes, because I had gone to the final stage, go to network. And then I think I definitely said something to him at a gas station.

44:11It was on Crescent and Sunset Boulevard and Crescent Heights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did you say? I might have given him a headshot or I said something like, please cast me, please. I don't love it. At another time, I said, will you please give me a washer and dryer? And he wrote that down on a napkin. As part of your negotiation? I just kept hearing that all these actors were getting cars and getting these things once they got hired. And friends had happened. And we were, I don't know, at the upfronts for something. You wanted a congratulatory washer and dryer. I was like, what are all these actors?

44:45Why do they get these treats for shows and stuff? And I said, treats. Actor treats. Actor treats. These elaborate, these very expensive gifts. And he was like, well, what do you want? And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah. And I couldn't think of anything. And I was like, I need a washer and a dryer. No kidding. And did he deliver? Yeah. Oh, good. I lied. There were actually two I wrote down. The other one was, I had no idea until yesterday that you had been offered SNL. That would have been impossible for me to turn down. Well, you know, I was thought I was such hot shit. The story of that is all very confusing.

45:26Honestly, today I'd have to ask Lauren because I remember I was in New York City and I had a meeting with Lauren Michaels and I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside. And I knew Sandler forever. You knew him pre-Friends? Yes. Oh, wow. Because he was very good friends with Charlie Schlatter who played Ferris Bueller in the television. It's a version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Wow, you guys go so far back. So we met at Jerry's Deli in like 1912. Just before the Spanish flu. Just before. Right before. So I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like, I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show.

46:06It's a very male-dominated. I would love to be here if it was in the Gilda Radner day. I mean, this is the brain that semi-remembers things that are back that far. Yes. Something like that. I can't remember, but I just remember Friends then happened. And then that's where I went. You really fucked up. You chose wrong. You think so? Oh, my God, yes. Well. Shit. When people say regrets. I could be interviewing you and I could be going, so you turned down friends for us. Oh, my God. And people would be like, oh, no. That would be the saddest story of all time. It all works out. It works out. Everything is sort of meant to be.

46:43Do you think that in the middle, when something is bad currently, are you like, it's going to work out? Are you positive that way? Well, you have to be. It's hard. It's hard. But you have to then consciously turn towards what's positive. I feel like a broken record. We're not designed to take in this much information. No. It's too much. We're not designed that way. There's way too much information from all over the world within a blip of a second. every single bit of information. No wonder mental illness is through the roof and anxiety. It's a different time. I totally agree. Back to the, when we lived with a hundred other people, our entire life.

47:23Sure. You probably would never even hear about a murder your whole existence. Or maybe there'd be one. And you can hear about hundreds of murders a day. There might be one natural disaster in your lifetime. Here, you'll hear about all of them. You're so right. We don't have the capacity for it. We don't. No, we think we do. We have this arrogance. Like, oh, I can handle all this. I can watch news all fucking day long and not be affected. I don't think that's true. I would rather live in ignorance is bliss. I understand that. I need moments of that. Okay. I know you have friends thoughts. So I want to hear that.

47:53I don't have friends questions, really. I'm just grateful for it. That's it. Here's what I wanted to connect the dots on. Yeah. So you didn't have a VCR and you're obsessed with Laverne and Shirley. And you used to record audio tapes on cassette tape of the episodes and then listened to just the audio. And I was like, if I've ever heard a Monica Padman thing in my fucking life. We have some real crossover. I VHS taped every episode of Friends. This was before the DVDs. And I had a whole color coded system. You did? Yeah. Where like each season was a color and I would write the episode on the tape in the right color.

48:35Then there was these pictures with the number of the tape and I had 32 tapes. And, you know, the finale was the day before an AP exam and fuck the AP exam. Oh, no. What did you do? No, horrible. Because I had to watch. You guys were on something after Leno, maybe, and then Oprah the next day. Oprah, Leno. I don't remember. I had to tape it all. And I didn't study. Why would I study? The most important thing in the whole world. This is once in a lifetime. Exactly. Exactly. So I probably failed that test. I feel like I owe you an apology for that. No. You know what? It all worked out. Look at me.

49:05You're welcome. Exactly. Oh, my God. That's the highlight of her. It was everything to me. That's so awesome. It was such an escape. I was thinking about it recently because I was like, what? I have so many reasons why. But one is we don't have comedies like that anymore. We don't have shows like that where you do kind of know it's going to work out. Even though, you know, there's stakes. I'm not saying there's not, but it is going to work out. And it makes you feel safe. And it brings hope. My favorite shows now don't have hope. I love them, but they're scary. And you don't know if it's going to work out.

49:40And it might not. They might kill the lead character. And you're like, fuck, I'm on pins and needles. Yes, the anxiety is at a ten. The Game of Thrones of it all. So true. It's the opposite of what that was, which is just reassurance. They can't hurt a friend. They would never hurt one of the friends. They won't kill one of the friends. No, everyone's going to get hit by a cab. Yes. And when you're like a teenager, you don't know what's going to happen. Everything's scary. Yeah. People are going to make fun of you. But this is a constant. I can't really explain how important it is with words, but I'm grateful.

50:12I can feel that. I love that. I wish you could have come to a taping. I had a recurring dream that you guys got back together and then I went to a taping. And so for a while, I was like, I think I saw. I think. And then it was just a crazy dream. You could have come to the reunion. That was here, right? You were here. I was here. It was perfect. I didn't need to do that. And here we are. We just were with somebody, Krista and I, and we were discussing this exact thing. Obsessed with her show, by the way. Oh, what a kiss. Have you ever seen A Better Kiss? No. On television? No. Maybe you had some, but I might have missed it.

50:49No, none of us. I don't think anyone on the planet Earth. I also like, was it the putting down of the cups and all of the things? Like, there's something just so beautiful. It was just this foreplay. It was a set piece. Yeah, it was really. It was a kiss that was actually, they took the time, they made it like a set piece. It built, built, built, built. I'm going to fucking die if they don't kiss. They're fucking kissing and it's great. Yeah. Yeah, it was so good. I guess that's the show that's the closest to that feeling right now, which is like, it's probably going to be okay. It felt good. We needed that.

51:19I binged it. I don't binge things. Yeah. And I could not get, I'm also so happy for my friend Aaron, Sarah as well. It's great. Happy for everybody. Yeah. They created a cultural phenomenon their first time at bat. It's incredible. Thank her for that. I only had one single question about your movie career, which is Bruce Almighty. Oh. Mega hit of a lifetime. Yeah. What is it like acting on the other side of Jim Carrey? Does it rattle your own sense of reality? And like, what is the experience? Because he is pulling off something that is the most heightened we've ever seen. And he is landing it.

51:56I just can't really imagine what it's like being opposite of that. He's a big kid. At that point, it's quite enjoyable. You would think it's going to be, you're like, what do I do? How do I keep up? We just had fun. Oh, good. We just volleyed. And you never had the sense you were leaving your own tone? No, because I was the grounding. He's sort of the whirling, that guy. I can't remember his name. Wasn't Bruce. Was it Bruce? It should be. I think it was. You would hope. Bruce Almighty. I hope so. I really hope so. I don't know either, but I'm doing reverse engineering. It's not like God's name was Bruce.

52:31Oh, God. Yeah, I think it was Bruce. Yes, Bruce. Sure. When you say Bruce right now, it's like, why would you name a character Bruce? He does not read as a Bruce. No, he doesn't read in my memory as a Bruce. No, he was Jim probably the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there was Evan Almighty, and that was Steve Carell. Evan Almighty was Steve Carell. So he must have been Evan if we're putting the pieces together. You're right. There's even more proof that his name was Bruce. Sorry, Jim. I did the math on this, and I want people to think about this for one second. So I was reading this article that you were in and they had done the research.

53:03This is not my research. And they had said, cumulatively, 2 ,000 tabloid covers. Like that's the total number of tabloid covers. And I did the math. I love math. I do. I love math. See, I failed. Terrible. Let me hold your hand and walk you into this math. I need you to help me. And I'd be like, gosh, can you just figure this out? I just asked for a washer and dryer. Was that financially? Was that? Am I winning on this? He got a Ferrari. I don't know what model number, but are they comparable? I got a GE washer and dryer. 2 ,000 tabloid covers is a tabloid cover every single day for the next 5.47 years.

53:47I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just want people to think about what that experience would be, that there's a tabloid cover of you every day until 2030. party. Yeah. It's so out of this world bonkers. Yeah. And you said to that when they hit you with that number, you said, yeah, I took it all very personally. Of course I did. I don't know why. I mean, of course I know why. Cause I was a kid growing up. I'd look at those covers and I'd be like, really? Is that true? Oh my goodness. A hair boy? Yeah.

54:23Wasn't there always like a hairy boy on those covers. Yes, like, oh, he's like a Sasquatch kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, maybe he's a monkey boy or he's... Yeah, something. That's so funny. I think there's a generation now that doesn't understand tabloids. It's Instagram now. Exactly. I guess it's the internet. Way more people allowed access to participate in it. Not only is the cover there, but then we get to hear what everyone's takeaway from the cover was. It used to be that there would be a week or two weeks later that you'd open the first two pages and it would be letters from readers. Uh-huh.

54:54Five little letters of what they thought. Someone would be like, meh, snark. And then there was one that was like, loved it, loved it. And I'm like, ew, hate it, hate it. But it would only be like a couple. It went through some filter. Like they're not going to let something insanely misogynistic land in that letters to the editor. Right. But in some ways it was worse because that's the only way people were getting this salacious information was the tablets. Now there's a new thing every 45 seconds. So like you could be in an article, but then tomorrow you're not going to be in an article. Something else is going to wash it away.

55:27And then AI is going to come in and then it's not even you saying things. Like there was a tabloid story about Chris and I that we were swingers. And I don't think people even remember that we were swingers. That's not true. It's not true. We could perhaps, under the right circumstance, you know. You could send a letter. Have a very open dialogue about that. if the right participants presented themselves. But see, that's such a headline that you go, that's so ridiculous. But yours were too. Oh yeah, no, it's true. It's very true. I thought yours were more ridiculous. Did you ever consider, because you have the leverage.

56:04I want to say, we are both so fucking grateful you're doing this. I think it's nothing but high risk for you. You don't need any press. And we both really appreciate it. It's such an honor. But did you ever consider, I'm just never going to do press again. I'm going to go act in things and they can pay me whatever reduced amount for not promoting it. If you had those debates with yourself, you have. Right? Ask him. All the time. All the time. He says, don't fucking bring this up. Because I actually love to go into a conversation with people. That's the sad part, right? Yeah. I love it. I love this.

56:37I love watching you. I love listening to you. I enjoy it. I find it interesting. This is safe. Do I get nervous? Obviously, that's just because I do. Well, and you've been fucking burned beyond belief. Like you've earned some apprehension. There's little things. There's things that get even recently, something came out referring to a question that was asked about the Met Ball. Why haven't you been to the Met Ball? The answer was simply, I don't know. It intimidates me. It's not my thing. Period. That was all. But then an elaborate answer was created out of it. Things will always get misconstrued.

57:12But I always go into a conversation really happy to have the conversation. And it used to be even more so because I hadn't been burned. And when we say burned, it just means the writer's doing their job to make it more interesting. I don't think they're intentionally trying to do something like. That's generous of you. Yeah, that's generous. Because they are. They're trying to get clicks. I mean, it is their job. It is how they get paid. Also to make me sound a little more interesting than, no, I don't like it. I mean, you're like, that's the answer? Yeah, yeah. But what's the gossipy part of this?

57:43Like, that's what they want. Did you ever go and disguise places? No. You haven't? No. Have you ever considered that? Hat, glasses, scarves? That doesn't cut it, though. No, you mean like when they put an actual mask on? Well, so Mila and Ashton told me they bought a piece of shit car. Yes. Like a$1 ,200 car. Yes. And they had masks. And they'd send their real car out with a friend. They'd drive in the poppers. and then they get in this fucking clunker and drive on. I was like, this is incredible. And would they go out into the night or have a date night or something? I think they just needed to leave their neighborhood and not get followed.

58:18And then I assume the mask. I doubt they went to El Torito and ate the whole meal with masks on. It's a bummer that they didn't do that. I've done all sorts of things. I remember wanting to write a book called Stories from the Floorboard, where I'm getting in the backseat of cars and just sort of maneuvering through and then switching out and getting to a different car. I've done that. Yeah. Okay, I have a pitch for you. Would you like to go to Burning Man with me? No. Yep. Correct answer. That is the correct answer. I didn't hear the rest of the question. Sorry, go on. Finish your question. I don't think it's worthwhile.

58:50Wait, I'm dying to hear the rest of it. Because you can go to Burning Man in feathers. You could be an ostrich and I could be a donkey. Right. We could mill about and we could see all the art. You could be completely anonymous. Yeah. And everybody else is just like on all sorts of drugs so they won't even know what's happening. You get those street smarts, the walking home from Jackson Hole. Yes. All that would come up. That comes back. I don't know. Do you go to Burning Man? No, but I want to. I think it's going to be my New Year's resolution for 2026. Really? Yeah. I have a lot of friends who I trust deeply and I value their opinion.

59:22And they love it. My friend Joy Bryant in particular. She's like, you can't miss it. If you're on planet Earth, you must go see this. How? She's like, the art is insane. The things that are happening are wild. You can kind of pick what experience you want. There's a lot of different camps you can be in and they vary in extremeness. So that's a thing I would love to see. Why haven't you done it yet? I don't think I had been pitched so full heartedly by this very trusted source. I got you. And now I'm like, yeah, you're damn right. I don't want to leave this planet without having seen that spectacle.

59:54Have I intrigued you at all? No. No. Only because my friend group, my girls and their husbands have gone many times. They went 12, 15 years straight. So I've seen the photos. I've seen the videos. I've heard the stories and I just go, I just don't think I can. Not for me. That's fair. I'm also don't love crowds. Yes, understandably. But since I was a kid, I don't like crowds. That's just, I don't know what that is. Are you the type that can be peer pressured or are you like, I made my decision? I'm pretty, no, cut and dry. I can think about it, but no, I would never be peer pressured. Okay. About the tabloids.

1:00:27Because of all this and because everyone in your business and there was a lot of public information. How do you feel about being pitied? Hate it. Yeah. Yeah. There's been so much pity towards you over the years and it feels so unfair. It's like, she seems good. I really dislike it a lot. Hate is such a strong word. It's exhausting. That's my most hated, so you know. Like if someone pities me, like, so what you think I'm weak, that's my number one. Being labeled the poor anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No point in even trying to rewrite it because that's just stuck. Yeah. That's the role they assigned you and that's what it is.

1:01:02Probably. Not much to really undo that. And that's okay. Yeah. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:01:42So over the years, you took it really personal. I have a gorgeous, stunning group of friends that know who I am. And that's all that really matters. I like your group of friends. I was learning about your group of friends in my research. A lot of crossovers. We have a lot of crossovers with the Batemans, Amanda, Jason. Jimmy Moll. Jimmy Mollie. But the two I liked that I learned about was I admire Gwyneth Paltrow so much. I think she's such a badass. I just think she's so cool. She's the epitome of I don't care. Yes, I love it so much. Take a page out of her book. She's a really good person to look to for that sort of, who said it?

1:02:15Who cares? Ask yourself, is that true? Right, right. Or even before they would say it, is it true? First thing I would say, is that actual fact? No. So then what's the problem? The problem is this other part of my brain that so wants to be the get off. I know, I know. Those little two voices. Well, I have the thing that'll trap me is I'm stubborn. To the point where I like, even the going to the Burning Man thing. It's like, I refuse to not be able to do the things I want to do. Has that increased as you've gotten older? I think it came out this way. You came out that way. Has that lessened at all?

1:02:46Have you sort of relaxed out of it in terms of, I should not be so stubborn. I should be a little more flexible. I've had to, because I am in a family and I have these two little girls who have an opinion. They're stubborn as fuck. There's not enough room for another one of us to be stubborn. Kristen's very stubborn. I'm very stubborn. Busy household. And now we've got two other stubborn people in the house. Yeah. And so Chris and I think both were like, okay, well, one of the variables has to change in this equation. It's certainly not going to be these little kids. So I think that has definitely helped me get over some of it.

1:03:15What's your sign? Could you guess? I would say Taurus. Okay. Or Virgo. I'm Capricorn. Or Capricorn. Okay. He's very, very Capricorn. Too Capricorn, Monica might argue. I didn't say that. Stop putting things on me. What are you? What do you think? I feel like you're like a Pisces or a Gemini. No, I am not water. I'm a Virgo. Virgo. I'm a double Virgo. Double Virgo. Moon and sun. Particular, do you see things out of the corner of your eye and you just want to move it? All of it. Definitely. What are you? Oh, February. I'm like, I'm an aquarium. Ah, I think that's what my dad is. We're talking about kids and this might be a no-no, but I'm curious.

1:03:59Hit it. You can ask me anything. Okay. I froze my eggs twice. It went very badly. I did a podcast about it. It was following the journey. It was a whole thing. And I'm 38 and I am single and I'm feeling like time to start making some big decisions. It kind of feels like now or never-ish to even try with some of those eggs. And I'm starting to just feel like I think it's never. And why? Because... Can I ask you a bigger question? Yes, please. Are you doing that, the freezing? Yeah. Have you always wanted children? I've always not known. If you wanted them. Yes. So it's not like we had Chelsea on that podcast, Chelsea Handler, who I know we both love.

1:04:45And she's kind of always been like, no, I don't. Very cut and dry. No, not my thing. I respect it. And I wish I had that because it's not that. It's very much like, oh, I'm very close with their kids. And it's like, oh, my God, to have one of these. That's mine. You know, you get kind of wrapped up in it. But also my life is also very full. What you just said about all your friends and your life, I have the same thing. So it kind of feels like maybe it's okay that I don't. You've said you're on the other side of that. And I wonder if there's peace there. Oh, it's so peaceful. But I will say there's a point where it's like, it's out of my control.

1:05:20There's literally nothing I can do about it. When people say, but you can adopt. I don't want to adopt. Yeah. I want my own DNA in a little person. Yes. That's the only one, selfish or not, whatever that is. I wanted it. But is there the moments of, well, this goes around into, it's probably a topic I don't really want to discuss. But when you meet someone and you go, God, we would have made some good kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. So that might come up and then that'll pass within three seconds. Right. Right, right. And you're like, but guess what? You'll plan a trip to Mexico. Yeah.

1:05:54You'll be on that trip. Just take a look at that vacation for five minutes. And you're like, oh, good night. Bye. See you later. What are we going to watch? Yes. It's a romanticizing. But once you are on the other side of it, because it's out of your control. Yeah. Just wasn't in the plan. Whatever the plan was. Exactly. I do think some people, though, can't. Let it go. Let it go. I worry, I guess. That would be me. Come over and I'll help you let it go. Okay. I'll take that invite. Yeah. It's a lot. It is a lot. And by the way, it's very emotional. especially in the moment when they say, that's it.

1:06:26Because there is a weird moment when that happens. Yeah. It's getting too dark for this podcast. No, no, no. But it's like there's a moment when it's actually, oh yeah, this is not even viable. Exactly. So time is up. That's probably a blessing and a curse. It is. It probably hurts really bad. Yeah. And then probably you move into acceptance mode and it probably is liberating on the other side. Yeah. Last personal question and then we're getting into morning show. How many dogs do you have? Two. Okay, that's nothing. I had three. Well, I've had three at a time and I have two. And then there might be others.

1:06:57Yeah. And Claudio Takes a Bite Out of Life. Yeah. Claudio. Is a very cute book. Yes. Yes. And it's about finding your passion. That's right. It's my contribution as a dog mom and a mother, whether dog to human, but to the children's book world. I know you don't read anything, but I do hope you see. That book I can't read. No, no, no, no. That book. Do you want me to read it to you at Burning Man? There is a I can read book that's also coming out that's really good about a neighborhood cat. Wait, is it a forthcoming book? It'll be the third. Yeah, super cute. I know you're not consuming what's out there in the world, but I kind of do hope the comments Bateman has made recently about your contribution to his kids' lives.

1:07:42I hope that filtered through to you. I know, so sweet. She said you're like a coma. I know. Really beautiful. It's the sweetest thing. And those kids were since that like, yeah. And now she's in my bikinis. Like really working them. And you're just like, oh my God, I can't. Why am I having an issue with this yet? Her first vacation, she was going on a trip to Italy with all these kids by themselves. And I was like, did they pack condoms? Yeah. And they both looked at me like, why? I'm like, are you kidding? Yeah, pull your ass off. Have you seen the bikini? Have you seen the bikini? Oh my God.

1:08:20It's because the kids are such an active reminder of time. It's so wild. Like it's easy as adults to forget that it's moving, but they don't let you forget. No. And they can just chill out. I know. We'd love if they'd take a break. Slow it down a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Pump the brakes just to do it. How old are yours? 10 and 12. Yeah. Okay, morning show. Mm. Oh. Okay, season four of morning show. Yes. I'm caught up. I'm waiting tomorrow. I'll get another installment. You're dealing with a tough one. You go to interview this athlete from Iran. Oh, they were. You're in the first episode. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:08:53And then the father puts in your hand this piece of paper that says, we want to defect. They're in town for the Olympics. And you're like, I got to help. How would you not? But you don't know that really he wants to defect because he's a nuclear engineer in Iran. So now this is a very big geopolitical. That was a little bit of a switch. It was. He a little bit misled you. A little bit of a mislead there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just goes to show you, pause and think about things. Sure. Before you just. Again, pump the brakes. Pump it. Yeah. Well, now wait until you see what happens. Oh, boy. I can't wait.

1:09:22Oh, boy. This show's scary. It keeps predicting things that happen that are very bad. I know. What? Tell me. All of it. Also, the space ladies predicted. Oh, well, that was. That wasn't very bad. That was the billionaire in their rocket ships. And then there was the cruise with a mysterious virus. That was the end of the first season. I mean, there's all sorts of. There were others. I'm blanking. Well, it rides this line of like, it's very much tackling the issues that are happening in pop culture. And yet it's also fiction. And then so people are trying to connect dots that don't connect. Right.

1:09:57Which would kind of drive me nuts if I were you. Like you were dating Jon Hamm and he was a billionaire who went to Iraq. So people were like, oh, that's Elon Musk. And you're like, my character would fucking date him. No, it's not. And then you've gone too far. That's Jon Hamm playing a billionaire. Yes. But your character, I mean, it's not hard at all to draw the parallel between you and the character in that you're an incredibly powerful woman and you are navigating still what is still a very male world. Right. The challenges being a woman in the very male dominated world and dealing with public perception, the private world that's going on behind the scenes.

1:10:34The price that you can't help but pay. The drive to get what it is. You know, you have the ability that you can do. Yeah. I am capable of this. Women are capable of this. Yes. So when you've seen these scripts come in, are you so excited in that? Like, yeah, I can't wait to shine a light on this. Or are you like, this is a little too close. I don't want it to be so me. What's that balance? I don't look at it that way, actually. I do look at it in a way of women need to know that they are able to be in positions of power. It has happened and it will keep happening. And this is a version of that happening.

1:11:11Yeah. And I love to represent that as an idea that you can strive for. I guess a better question would be, where are they parallel and where do they diverge? I'm not as angry. I'm not as... Cutthroat? Fearless. Interesting. I don't think I am as cutthroat. There's a very alive and well people pleaser inside of me that would love to make more swings at some things than I do. The other fun real life parallel is it's a show about two women. It's about two women who are both sharing power in a very finite vacuum of power that's available. And the show itself is a breakthrough in that you have you and Reese, who conventionally would only have your own show and probably be pitted against each other, deciding to come together and be like, no, no, there's room for both of us here.

1:11:57And the pot's big enough for both of us. How did that come about? We both believe that, that there's room for all of us. Actresses should not be pitted against each other because there's opportunity and it's only increasing. Forgive the example, but it's like Ocean's Eleven. No one said like, well, there's no way we can do it. They're all too big. How will we pay them all? Right. Right. Right. That was fine. We're like, oh, we'll figure it out because we want to see this. And they did figure it out. They figured it out a few times. Try to remember what they did. They might have done it a couple of times.

1:12:27Just one or two or three times. I think there was only one female version of that. Exactly. We haven't seen that again. Who approached who? Michael Ellenberg approached us both with the book. Were you friends prior to that? Yes, she was on Friends. Oh, I don't. Oh, no, I do know that because you guys interviewed each other. It was a battle of the blue eyes. I was like, whose eyes are bluer in this interview? My fucking God. Depending on who got the better light. Yeah. Hers are really beautiful blue balls. No one was suffering in the blue eyes department in that. It was like, test your friendship.

1:12:59This is very telling. Oh, well, that's the other thing. We're friends. We know each other, but we don't wake up together. Right. Right, right, right, right. Not bringing her coffee in bed. Yeah. I felt terrible. She doesn't even live here. No, she really left all of us. Yeah, she abandoned everyone. She abandoned us. She's our neighbor now, actually. She is. Yeah, in Tennessee. See? But she's a special gal, right? I love her. She is a spitfire. She works harder than anyone. She's Tracy Flick to some degree. She's so Tracy Flick. She'll be the first one to say that. She is fearless. She will speak her mind.

1:13:29She's the sponge for sure. Yeah. How are you guys yin and yangy? She loves to read and learn and probably ace tests and work, work, work, work, work. And I want to go outside and lay in the sun and listen to a podcast, talk to a group of girlfriends, group of friends, have a barbecue, talk about what's going on, listen to another podcast and then go to work on Monday. I don't know if I could say I'm a little more laid back. That's okay. We'll see how they compare. We're going to talk to her in a couple of weeks. Oh God. We'll ask her. We'll see if this matches up. I'm sure she agrees. Yeah. You said that you know your value at work though.

1:14:10You said, I know my value when it comes to career. Do you feel that about the other places in your life at this point? I do. That's good. I do. Did you hear her? She's like, I'm not going to fucking Burning Man with you. Easily that was her. She's like, fuck you. I don't know if this hurts your feelings. I don't know what fantasy you've cooked up where we're going to go to Burning Man. I'm psyched for you because you are going to have a good time since you are dying to go. I'm built for chaos. It arouses me. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, did I say bring a medical kit? Someone will have one.

1:14:39No, they won't. They're all on drugs, so they probably won't. I'm not kidding. Please bring a medical kit. They'll have it, but they won't be able to find it. Oh, no. And a phone that you will know you can use. What do they call them? Yeah, satellite phone. Thank you, satellite phone. Okay, I'll bring a sat phone if that makes you feel safer. That will make me feel much better. Okay. Because I won't tell you the other stories of other friends. Sure. A lot of things go down. But I think it can be tricky, though, because if you have such a big career, you can say, well, maybe that's why some of these other things haven't worked out for me the way I want.

1:15:07I think that all the time. I'm like, well, I have this. So I won the lottery in this area. So maybe I don't get these other things. I don't think that's the smart way of thinking. But yeah, I wonder if you've experienced that. Oh, sure. Knowing your value, it's kind of like, you know what you know and you know what you don't know. Right. I know where I excel. Are there parts of me that wish and want to be in some of these other areas of this business? Absolutely. Doing other kinds of movies? Absolutely. Working with certain other directors? Absolutely. Yeah. But I also find that to be the fun of still being excited about like, I'm going to go make that happen.

1:15:42You know, we're not done. Yeah. We're not like, this is where we coast now. We had Jeanette McCurdy on to talk about, I'm glad my mom's dead. Yeah, I'm glad my mom died. Yeah, I'm glad my mom died. I think that's a brave role to sign up for is what I wanted to say. Oh, yes. First of all, Jeanette is so lovely. We fell so in love with her. It's crazy. Isn't she just so funny and clever and smart? She's unbelievably smart. And the way she channeled that life into that book. So adorable. And with that humor and sort of the wink in the midst of a lot of pain and suffering. So she's remarkable. And I can't wait to start playing that part.

1:16:18It's been almost two years now that we've had it. and I started prep end of the summer. So that's a character that gets me nervous. Oh, yes. That's why I'm so excited about it. Like I said, it's a very, very brave. Yeah. Yeah, it's out of the comfort zone. If a job is making me nervous, it means it's something obviously that I know will challenge me. Not that the others aren't challenging. I mean, certain comedy is super fun and I've done that for so long. But it's okay that that's easier. It comes easier. I've been practicing being a clown from the get-go. Yeah, it was ourself. It's what helped us grow up without dying inside.

1:16:50Yes, yes, yes. Make people laugh. Then you're like, oh, bring joy. That's a good way to ease it, regulate, be happy. So playing that woman, because Jeanette's mom and my mom had some odd parallels. So it'll be cathartic in many, many ways. And we just couldn't believe the amount of stories that we had in common. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an important story to tell. And it'll help a lot of young kids, just parents, adults, process life that they've lived. Okay, I saved this as the last thing I want to say to you because I don't think you're going to take it well. I have to imagine you two have found yourself in these conversations.

1:17:27They're very fun. It's like you're sitting around with a bunch of other actors and cumulatively we've met nearly everybody in the business. And you kind of go like, who's magic on screen that in real life is magic? Like you're working with the perfect example, which is Billy Crudup. I'm like, oh, this motherfucker off screen? There's only one adjective for that guy. It's magic. He is pure magic and committed because he really lives up to it. Like if you looked up thespian in the dictionary, you'd see Billy's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing that matters more to him than the work. For 10 years now, every time this conversation comes up, I always, always say the person that just completely blew my mind is I thought Jennifer Aniston was hot on screen.

1:18:10Oh, my God. And then I saw her in real life and I was like, oh my gosh, she's like the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I've said this 150 times. I think I've said it on here before. That's so sweet. I just think you're so overwhelmingly beautiful in real life. You're my example. I always give 100 % of the time. Oh my gosh. I don't even know what to say. I'm so blushy. My mat to the couch now. You're blushy. That's so sweet. I'm so, you're so humble because how many people have said that you are the most beautiful, person. I mean, everyone says it. I don't think we all look at ourselves and feel that way.

1:18:46That's interesting, though. I think that'd be interesting for people. You are still blushing hearing that. Still blushing hearing that. You said friends, you had a color coordinated thing, and I'm like, I want to cry. And I'm still going, what? That means your ego is so correct, and it did not have to be. You could be so off on another planet, and I think most people in your position probably are. Yeah, you could have been like, no shit, dude, get in line. Yeah, you're like, yeah, says everybody. That's so nice. I agree. I've been told before and I agree. That's the first thing I've agreed with you about today.

1:19:20I thought you were going to say to me, who is the person? And I was like going like, oh my God. No, but you and I at dinner, we know. I can't wait to have dinner with you again to tell you more. We know. We know. And you'll forever be my example of like, well, I'll tell you who will blow your fucking doors. I adore you. I'm so, so grateful you came. Thank you, Jax. And I want to, of course, Monica. I'm so grateful. Your letter moved me so much. I really did. For the listener, I did send a love letter via Molly McNerney. Big shout out, Molly. Yay, malls. Love her so much. Love her so much. And she did send it to you.

1:19:53And then I got an email from Steven the next day. And it was right before my birthday. Oh. And I was like, happy birthday to me. What a special, special thing. I'm so glad that timing happened. I know. It was perfect. Yeah, very fucking cool of you for reading Monty's letter and then coming. I think that's so sweet. And, you know, these are not my, I don't, you don't do them. Well, I go, what do I have to talk about? I don't have anything to say. But this was so fun. Oh, good. We had so much fun. It's so fun. I felt like I had a really great conversation with two people I adore. This was so wonderful.

1:20:22Everyone Watch Morning Show is out currently. It's on Apple TV+. It goes to November 19th. So if you're not caught up, binge. And I adore you. Thanks for coming. I adore you, too. Thank you. So fun. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. New merch coming. Wow, you're already in it. Yeah. Limited dish. So we're working with a new company, and it's really good quality. You're liking the quality a lot. Yeah. I can't wait to pop some on. Yeah. Is that the only color it comes in? This one, yeah, but we have other stuff too.

1:21:03Great. And you got some enormous stonewashed jeans on with patchwork. Yep. I think those are new. I haven't seen those yet. What? I've worn them. To this show. I mean, you've worn them in real life. I think I've worn them to this show. I sometimes have to wear the same clothes twice, you know? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, we're on different trajectories. Like, I put on a pair of pants, and I wear them for about eight days. Yeah, sure. And then I switch pants. Now, do they start to smell? No. You sure? To smell them. Okay. How many days have you worn those? Well, to be fair, I washed these when we got back to Nashville after our motorcycle trip.

1:21:44Because I was about to say these have a thousand miles of open air road on them. Right. But I did wash them a few days ago. And did you travel in them yesterday? All right. All right.

1:22:00P.U. Oh, come on now. I'm just kidding. There's no way. They don't smell. They don't smell. I did have my prostate examined this morning. Oh, my God. Yeah. What happened? Well, I wasn't expecting this, but I had a follow-up appointment with my primary caregiver. Internist. My internist, that's right. And I thought I was just going to chat, and then I gave some more blood and some more yawn. And then he said, okay, why don't you drop your slacks and turn on your side? Yeah. I want to feel your prostate. And did you say, I know you want to, but do you need to? No, I just comply. Oh, my God. You never do that.

1:22:43Well, at the doctor, I tend to. Wow. Although that's not true, no, because he wanted me to get a flu vaccine. I said, no, thanks. But then he said, what about the pneumonococcal pneumonia vaccine? I said, sure, I'll take that one. Pneumonia, yeah. The pneumococcal. Pneumococcal pneumonia. Pneumococcal. Pneumococcal. Guys, why? I know. Not everyone has a hard time with it, though. But Huey and I were just lamenting about this. Why do all these prescriptions have to have an X, a J, a Z? It's like they're going out of their way to make it difficult. Pneumococcal pneumonia. I think it's fun. It's like alliteration.

1:23:21Okay. Okay. It seems excessively hard for no reason. It is a lot. What's the gold? To let people know what it is or to like flex with how many letters you can put in the name? I don't think it has to be about letting people know what it is. So maybe it's Latin and stuff. Okay. Anyway, back to your comments. Anyways, okay. So, yeah. So I did pee. I did give blood. Then he went in there. And I mean, I had anxiety, but not for the reason you might think. What do you think my anxiety was? During the exam? Him putting his finger. Poop. Yes. Like I had gone this morning, but it was not what I wanted because I had.

1:24:01So he puts his finger up there. Of course. What else is he going to feel my prostate? I don't know. But he didn't even ask me like, have you had a movement or anything? He just, I guess, assumed I had. You shouldn't assume. Some people don't have regular movement. No. And again, I didn't have like what I would call a completely satisfactory movement this morning. Anyways, he went in there. I guess there was no obstructions. And he said that my prostate felt tiny and healthy. Oh, great. Tiny. Generally, that's not a good descriptor, but in this case it is. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I just feel like there should be a way to do that without having to stick your finger in there.

1:24:45Hmm. Like in 2025. Although some part of me is like, I love how old school it is. Sometimes it's as old fashioned as that. His finger, my prostate, yep, that's the right size. Wow. Which I trust more than a gizmo. What's a gizmo? Oh, like an ultrasound that looked through. Oh, I trust that. Then you have the actual image and it can probably. Be measured. Yeah. Yeah. Just based off his little finger. What if his finger, it's like. What if his finger was enlarged and my prostate just felt small? Yeah. Relative to this. Wow. Do you feel violated today? No, it was fine. Okay, that's good. It was really fine.

1:25:23and then he gives you some tissues to wipe your butt with afterwards because there's a lot of jelly in there. Oh, jelly. Yeah, not just like a random butt wipe. But it's an emasculating or something experience to wipe your butt on the side of the table. Oh. You know, it's very vulnerable. That image is rough. Yeah, wiping on my side. I felt like a prostitute who had just like, you know, like I was gathering myself up. Sex worker. No, I felt like a prostitute. I'm not calling other sex workers. Sex workers have respect. I felt like a prostitute from the 80s. Okay, wow. Back when they were prostitutes.

1:26:03Did you look at the tissues? It was clean as hell, thank God. But you were worried. Yeah, just you're wiping your butt in front of a doctor. Oh. I know, I'm glad you're having the same reaction. Yeah, he should leave so you can wipe. I'll let you, I'm going to step out while you wipe. Yeah. That's crazy too. No, it's not. It's here. You can wipe. I'm going to go do some. No one should be wiping away from a toilet is what the issue for me is. I know. Wiping happens on a toilet. Yeah. You're right. Not like I'm going to bring you to the lobby. Wipe. Or I'm going to bring you to this closet. Not lobby.

1:26:36No. He goes to do some, quote, paperwork while you clean up. While I do paperwork. Well. So anyways, I think that's all good. That's positive. Okay. That the prostate was the normal size. Well, actually, I think it's kind of nice that they give you the tissue. because when you get like a pap smear, they, or when like I got my eggs frozen, they like you do a lot of internal ultrasounds. And they lube the hell out of that. Yes, and then you don't get tissue. And so it's all like gooey. Yeah, it's a jelly too. I don't like that, yeah. It feels so weird in your underwear. It does. In your underwear.

1:27:13It does. Yeah. Wow. Wowzers. Oh my, okay. You've had quite a morning. I've had quite a couple weeks, but today is my last day of antibiotics, which I'm delighted about. Okay, cool. Speaking of fingers, I had another hand injury. Oh, no. What happened? It's not as exciting as my other ones. Right. But weirdly, okay, so I get a flower delivery every two weeks. It's like the highlight of my month. Yeah. It's so exciting. Twice a month. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have two highlights. And it's really exciting. Yeah. And they came. How long do they last? So it depends on the flower. Normally a week, but I think these are going to get me a little longer.

1:27:58Okay. Because the stem is like wood. Okay. It's a branch. Yeah. It's more branch-like. Uh-huh. And that's good, but also, so you're supposed to cut the ends of all the stems, you know, before you put them in water and stuff. Right, so that they'll leach up the water. Yes. Yeah. And cutting the branches is harder than cutting regular flowers. Right. And I have special scissors. Hacks are. Well, I probably should have because I was using my scissors and like, you know, it was like really hard to cut. Yeah, you need pruning shears. I have flower ones that are sharper than regular scissors, but they're not for wood.

1:28:38I don't know. Yeah, right. Anyway, and I was like squeezing really hard. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, my finger hurts. And I looked and I had this huge hole in my finger and it had a bunch of wood in it. Oh, you poked yourself with the wooden branch. I guess, but it was so deep. Yeah, puncture. My mother always said punctures are the worst. Oh, she's right. She would know. Because she's right because I, you know, yesterday I realized there's still some wood in there. So I got some out, some more out. But you can see, it looks better today. Oh, up top. Yeah, here. Oh, yeah, that's legit.

1:29:20That's a puncture. My mother would agree that's the worst. I hate the way it looks. And then you're liable to get an infection with a puncture. I know. So I put Neosporin and stuff on it. Oh, great. That's great. But I didn't do a great job getting. I didn't know what happened. I didn't know if I like punctured with the scissors or I punctured with the wood or both or something. I still don't know. Let me ask you, did your grandfather, would he just start bleeding out of his hands all the time? Did you notice that? No, he wasn't like, what are they called? Those demons? No, no. Stigmata? Stigmata.

1:29:58Yeah, no, not that. Rob, did your grandpa's hands bleed a lot? I mean, I guess a little bit. But the point - What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. When you're a man and you get old, your skin gets thin. Oh, you mean dry. No, and you just like, you bump nothing. Like my Papa Bob was always driving with a paper towel wrapped around his hand. Because he had like scuffed it on nothing. And then it's just gushing blood. That's how my dad is now. Your dad's currently that way. Yeah. Well, Aaron and I have been, we've both been noticing that we're heading in that direction.

1:30:30Where it's just like, I always have six or seven cuts on my hands. And it's not like I'm not a machinist. I'm not welding. Are you using lotion? No. I think part of it is dry because then it cracks. It's not, dry is not the issue. Oh, I can't wait for a dermatologist to weigh in. Oh, well, yeah. And I encourage them to, I invite them to. But what Aaron and I were theorizing, also I have a tremendous blister from riding motorcycles. Stop trying to see my thunder. I'm sorry. I am the one with the finger issue. Okay. Okay. Okay, go on. Well, no, I can just leave it. No, I want to hear about that.

1:31:02I just want to hear about the blister. Okay, well, the blister is what's hurting right now, currently, which reminded me. Okay. Anyways. I guess it's okay that you talk about the blister because as we learned, it's not as bad as a puncture. No, punctures are the worst. Okay, because it's your mom. But we were theorizing like, let's say that all of this medical technology is heading where we think it's heading. And that we're going to live to 165, right? Peptides and stuff. Yeah. How thin is the skin going to be? Like, sure, your organs might be good and you might be living, but we were just imagining us at 120 just kind of be like a sieve of leaky blood everywhere.

1:31:40Ew. Just because your skin, what if they figure everything out except for that your skin's getting thinner? And that you're just, you can jog and climb a hip mountain, but you're going to bleed a lot. You're going to be wrapped in a lot of gauze. Wow. Yeah, so that's like, people aren't predicting that outcome, but I'm theorizing that could be where we're headed. I feel like they already have, you know, skin firming serums and moisturizers and things. Women have been dealing with thin skin for a long time on their neck. And yes, your hands and your face and fine lines. So I feel - But is there a skin thickener, a pachydermar?

1:32:21I mean, like - That's what we need to do. They'll sell you on that. We need to splice in just a little bit of elephant DNA because they're a pachyderm. Sure. We'll see pachydermis. And a hippopotamus. And a hippopotamus and a rhinoceros. Yes. Pachyderms. Yeah. We just need a little bit of their… DNA. An infusion of their DNA when you hit 130. Okay. And that'll really thicken up the skin. I mean, as long as it doesn't hurt them, I think it's fine. I mean… Well, they're dumping DNA all over the spot, right? They're just walking it shedding off. Just gather that. Yeah. Gather that. Because, I mean, we're already doing salmon sperm facials and stuff.

1:33:02So it feels like this is soon. This, yeah, is around the corner. But it's just, you know, elephants have such good memories that I don't want. What if it has like a reverse? What if it has a side effect that like not our memories. Or even better? Yeah, but in a bad way. Like you only remember the bad stuff. Isn't that already what you only remember? Exactly. So I feel like I don't want more. Actually, that's not true. I remember the good stuff. I do too. But I was having a moment, I think because we were riding in North Carolina. And the whole reason I even know about Asheville is because I had a stepdad whose parents had retired there.

1:33:43And we went there for a few days on our way to somewhere else. And I fell in love with it. I went to the Piggy's ice cream place, all you can eat. You know, I have the shirt. Oh, yeah. And I just fell in love and went to Biltmore, set off the alarms. But it's all stemming from Looking Glass, False Light, and Rock. It's all from that trip. So, of course, while I'm riding through there, I'm thinking how ironic that I really have him to thank for my love for. And then I was like, because I'm currently writing about him. I was also thinking like how completely unfair your memory is. my memory at least, is to people who I don't like.

1:34:20Okay. Because all I've held on to is like the 40 things, the 40 events that made me come to that decision that I don't like that person. And even if I added up the length of all 40 of those events, I don't know what we'd be talking about, three days or four days out of several years with this person who for sure the majority of time was innocuous at worst, just like present, but nothing's wrong. And then probably more often they were really nice to me and maybe even funny. Do you remember that? I don't. So are you sure it's real though? Well, it has to be, right? No, I don't think so. You don't think so?

1:35:06I mean, I don't know which one you're talking about. Yeah. Well, you kind of do because - The controlling one. Well, just I can't, I don't want to get sued, but the dead ones I can talk. Yeah. Well, we love, one of the dead ones is wonderful. Yeah. Three of my four dads are dead. Oh, I hated that sentence. I have a lot of dads myself, as you know. Yeah. They're all. They're all alive. Yeah. Let's just put it this, like, no one's one note. No one's good or, they're not bad. He's not evil or good. There were all these things that made me go, I don't like this person. Yeah. I'll tell you the side note to that.

1:35:52As I've written about him and I read it back. Yeah. Because I read this section to my kids and then my mom. I mean, it's a description of me. It's insane what a description. Oh, no wonder now you're like, he was so funny. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not any self-preservation. In fact, I'm just owning the fact that like I'm reading this as like, yeah, oh my, that's me too. I mean, this could easily be a description of me, which is really interesting to synthesize. That is interesting. Now, when you do that, when you have that realization, which I think that's a great realization and good self-awareness.

1:36:34Uh-huh. Do you think like, oh, fuck. Like I then need to try not to do that because that was pretty, that was pretty unbearable. Well, I've already had that reaction and I've even shared about it on here. Years ago, I've, I've gone like, I got to shut up about the sink. It's like living with so-and-so. Like I've already had that awareness. Right. But when I just go through the actual, like the description of like, he was so type A, he was so routine. He was like ran marathons, psychotically fitness, raced motorcycles, drove too aggressively, got in fights with people everywhere he went. It's really funny.

1:37:16And then, of course, in my mind, there's some difference because I think my spirit is kinder and more loving. Right. But just on paper, again, and that's what helped me look at like, well, I've listed some qualities about him and then you could list those about me. but also my kids might choose to list that I'm really patient and generous or whatever, you know, a whole other suite of behaviors. Yeah. Don't you think also though, I've been thinking about this a lot, like people, I think especially actually people like him. I mean, I don't, I never met him. Yeah. I probably won't. You wouldn't have liked him.

1:37:53Right. I have a sense. He wasn't playful and fun. He was rigid. And mean. mean like being mean like it's I think it's nice of what you're doing you're trying to lend some generosity and compassion and understanding and like yes no one is one thing and acknowledging the subjectivity of my memory yeah which is like I've held on to the things that reinforce this opinion I have of this person and I've really let go I'm sure he bought me ice cream a million times that I don't remember one time but like buying ice cream doesn't make up for horrible stuff I I guess that's sort of, it's like, okay, yeah, there are good moments.

1:38:30Great. But like, because obviously your mom wouldn't have married him if it was all bad moments. That's how all of this happens, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but it doesn't justify beating her up or being so controlling. Everyone's walking on eggshells and wants to die. Yes. Like, you know. And I guess my other layer of compassion in writing about him is like, he suffered the most from this personality type. Again, how mad can I be at someone when he was paying the price of this intensity? Yeah, you don't have to hold anger. Yeah. But you can still have understanding that it was good you guys weren't around that for much longer.

1:39:11Because that was not a tenable environment. Yeah. And it does suck for him. It sucks that he has to live in that brain. That's really, really hard. Yeah, that's the thing. I guess if he was like, if he was loving life and we were the victims of that, I think I'd have one opinion of it. Yeah. I think I'm old enough now to go like, he's a pretty unhappy person. Yeah, of course. I couldn't figure out how to be in jive with the world around him. Yeah. And then he paid the price and we paid the price. Yeah, exactly. Everyone gets hurt. Yeah, and that's kind of like humanness. Yeah, it is. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert.

1:39:51If you dare.

1:39:59Speaking of this, a great transition. Oh, great. Without, I hope it's not a spoiler. So, Best Dead's coming out October 30th. Yes, how is there a billboard out? It's a complicated. Yeah, New York, Patreon put up a billboard. Oh, Patreon did that. Yeah. I'm like, did Monica buy a billboard? No, I didn't. Patreon did. It was so cool. Oh, very. Okay, so a week from today, which I guess will be the 27th. Yeah. October 27th. Elizabeth, Andy, and I are going to do a live stream on Patreon. Nope, I'm sorry. On the 26th. Sunday. Better get the date right. Sunday. If it's a live stream. Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

1:40:43We'll sell you the whole seat. You'll only need the edge. Exactly. Sunday the 26th at 3 p.m. PST. That's 6 p.m. East Coast, 5 p.m. Nashville. Yeah. And that... 4 p.m. Mountain. Ugh. If you're in Mountain, don't listen. I'm just kidding. Come. Please come. Please come to the live stream. But listen to it at 3 p.m. Pacific, not 4 p.m. Mountain. Just get the date. We'll put some stuff up. You can find it. But on our Patreon, Betstead Patreon, we're going to do a live stream. So you can chat with us, ask us questions. And I've never done a live stream, so I'm excited about it. I haven't either. I think we're contractually obligated to do it.

1:41:25Oh, then I'll practice for us. Please learn how to do it so we can fulfill that. Anyway, so I'm really excited. And then that is leading up to the launch on the 30th, which is very exciting. And that's a complicated story as well. That's what just reminded me of it. I'm so excited for you guys. I hope everyone listens. Anyway, so come to the live stream. Check it out. That's that. Give it a check out. Give it a check out. Okay, I have updates from my, well, why don't you tell me what happened while I was on this trip? Okay. Because I was gone for six days. Oh, you saw a great movie that I've seen too.

1:41:58I did. I saw One Battle After Another. That is the hardest title for me to remember. As hard as pneumococcal pneumonia? Not, because I can't remember that one. Okay. One Battle After Another. Yeah. So, so good. I loved it so much. I saw it at the Vista as it was intended to be seen. Vista Vision. Do we think that's a real thing? Yes. I know it says Vista Vision. Yes. But do you think they just invented that name because it's the Vista Theater or that's a thing? No, it's called the Vista Theater because of Vista Vision. Are you sure? Yes. Oh, wow. They installed a special screen for it there and everything.

1:42:41It's the way it's filmed. It's a specific. Well, I know it was filmed in a larger format, and I saw it at IMAX for that reason. And I do think they have a 70-millimeter projector there at Vista. I'm just wondering if Vista Vision was proprietary before that theater. Before the Vista. Yeah. And I don't want to offend anyone. I'm just curious. Vista Vision refers to a high-resolution widescreen film format developed by Paramount Pictures in 1954. Oh, wow. It works by running 35 millimeter film horizontally through the camera, which uses a larger negative area to capture a higher quality image with less grain than traditional vertical 35 millimeter film.

1:43:22While its use in full length features has declined since the 1960s, the format is still occasionally used for visual effects and has seen recent high profile feature film applications. There's only four or five Vista theaters in the world. Really? And we have one right down the street. I love that theater. The seats are so comfortable and the spacing so, that's what I like is you get a couple feet in front of your feet. Yes, you can stretch your whole legs out. Okay, so I saw with Jess, now there was a hiccup. So we, there was, it's sold out. Like those Vista ones are sold out, but there was availability at the 2 p.m.

1:44:04Great timing actually, because then you have time for dinner. Yeah. So we're driving up and I had plans to get coffee from Pam's Coffee, the coffee shop that's next to it. That's also owned by Quentin. That's after Pam Coffee, Pam Greer. And this is notoriously the coffee shop that I thought was owned by a black woman and it was a black owned business. And I thought I was supporting, but really I wasn't. All right. Anywho, so. It's a white owned business as it turns out. It's a white male business. So anyway, I was like planning on getting a coffee and we're driving up the line. So at the Vista, there's no, you don't buy your seat.

1:44:50You just buy tickets. Okay. So the line is wrapped around three blocks. Like it is so fucking long. And I was like, what is that for? And then he was like, it better not be for the movie. And I was like, it can't be. It won't fit all these people. This is insane. And he was like, oh, no. If it is, like, we can't go. Right. And I was like, yeah, I know. Like, I don't think we can stand in this line. I don't. Sit in the front row. Exactly. So then he was like, we can't sit in the front row. And I was like, yeah, okay. But here's our plan. We'll go into Pam's coffee. We'll kill time. While that line dies down.

1:45:30Yeah, the whole line will go in and then we'll see. Like if there's only seats in the very front, we won't watch it. We'll go to Bucatini, the store down the street that I'm really excited about that I love. And Armchair works there. And I was getting kind of excited about going to Bucatini. You are now like actually more excited to go shopping. I moved on. I moved on and I was like, ooh, Bucatini. Like I'm going to buy this cute little dish there and maybe some pasta. And then we get the coffee and we do have to end up getting in line. It's moving at this point, but we do get in line. And Jess keeps asking.

1:46:05He asked like eight people, have you guys been here? Do you think we'll all fit? He's like, he's very worried. Yeah. And he's getting verbal about it. Yeah. Yeah. This poor guy behind us was seeing White Lady or some other movie. Oh, there's a second cinema there? Yeah. There's two screens. Oh. He said, oh, I'm actually seeing White Lady or whatever. And Jess said, said no one.

1:46:34so anyway we get in and it's packed there's like some random one seats but it's it's hard and so we do we go to the front and there are some seats like four rows back and we were like all right let's try it and we'll leave if this is bad um shout out to an arm cherry chris who sat next to us. He introduced himself and he was so lovely and sweet and loves the show. And it was really nice. Was he single? No, but that's funny because Jess was like, he's cute. This is one of those times you got to like. And I was like, no, I don't know. And then Jess started talking to him. Sure, sure. And then they went on a date?

1:47:19No. And then he was like, we just moved here. And he was like, we who's we? He did. He was winging very well. Yeah. Well, he's very good at this kind of thing. And he was like, my wife and I. Open relationship or close? No, we didn't get that far. Anyway, so then the movie starts and we're in immediately. We're not leaving. We love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's such a - Thrill ride. It doesn't take its foot off the gas the whole three hours. I know. And the woman - Which one? I mean - At the beginning, his. Tiana Taylor. Tiana. She's amazing. What a monster. I know. And then they're like kissing and licking each other.

1:48:04She's so horny. Every time she gets in the car, she's trying to fuck at all the crime scenes and stuff. She wants to fuck everywhere. She's so hot and he's so hot. Yeah. It's incredible. It's incredible. The acting's unbelievable. Leo's impossibly good. He's just the greatest actor. Sean Penn is absolutely I mean what a fucking performance it's incredible the only thing I can think of that like is on the same level is D 'Onofrio in Men in Black as the monster who has a monster inside of his body I mean the physicality that walk he had I know it's so bizarre it's really it's so good I was just crying at the end uncontrollably.

1:48:54Yeah. Father-daughter. That was interesting to me because I am a big sucker for father-daughter as we talked about. I have many dads. Yeah. As the daughter of many. Yeah. And I'm a sucker for that. I mean, interstellar. Oh, my God. What a—oh, my God. I did expect to be slightly more moved by that storyline. but I think it's because there's just so much going on and, and it's so, and it's funny and it's, but it's like. Hectic. It's hectic and you're on pins and needles, but, um, I mean, it's still, it's still got me, but I, I was expecting a little bit more from, from that. Also like, it's just so annoying that he still looks like that.

1:49:44He still looks so good. And And that made me annoyed. You were annoyed by that. And horny. And horny. I was both. So I think what you're describing is agitated. I was agitated. You were agitated in your groin. I mean, I did spend like four or five minutes after the movie thinking about if it really would be a possibility to get some of his sperm to impregnate my egg. Oh, okay. Because they have, so the baby in the movie is so cute. Oh my God. And it's a mixed baby, not Indian. Actually, there's a hilarious line about Mick. So a lot of the movie is like calling out slash parodying these like very extreme white supremacy groups.

1:50:34Yeah, yeah. And there's some, it's like it's wild and there's some hysterical lines in there. Yeah. And I just thought he nailed it. And I also was like, oh, yeah, he can do this. He is married to a black woman and has mixed race children. Like he understands this. That's also I was like, I can't believe he's married to Maya. And they just like are out in the like he seems so he seems like such an enigma like Quentin. That it's like you went to Ola's with him. Is that what it's called? Olga's. Olga's. Where he thought he was dead. Yeah. You went to Olga's with him at a Greek restaurant in Michigan.

1:51:13No, no, in Thousand Oaks. Oh, in Thousand Oaks, yeah. Weirder than actual either of those states for us to be in. Yeah, and that's just like so weird to me that he's a real person. Yeah, he's a normal dude. Yeah, that's so cool. Yeah. It made me feel very grateful for Creative Brains. Sure. Yeah, that's such a unique singular kind of take on all this. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. It was great. Do you think Maya ever just like looks at him and like he farts in the bed and she's like, how are you him? No. I bet she's not. I bet she doesn't feel about his. Art? The way you do.

1:51:58Really? Yeah. I bet she thinks he's good, but I don't think like you're, you've infused a little bit of magic. Yeah. Yeah. Like the world has. I mean, the world puts him in this like, you know, legendary. That's just that'd be so interesting for me. I'll try it. If Leonardo, you know, it's a similar situation if I date him and he gives me a sperm. Uh-huh. That you'll be enamored. And he farts in the bed. Yes, I don't. Yeah, I don't think people can be in relationships if they're enamored with one another. Oh, I agree. I think they can respect each other, but I don't think they can be enamored.

1:52:34So no, I doubt she's ever in bed thinking like, God, he's so good at filmmaking. I bet she never ever thinks that. Well, no, I guess I mean more like, like I agree with you. And actually I think I'm someone who like from afar is enamored. And then 40 seconds into meeting someone, it is gone. Because by the way, who gives a fuck if someone's good at their job? Well, I do. There's a respect there. Their job has nothing to do with your life is what I'm saying. Like if they're great at their job, that's away from the house. It's not with your kids or you. and then you suck when you get home. Well, yeah.

1:53:09No, like no one cares about the work because you're not even involved in it. Well, no one's preferring it. By the way, I'm not saying Paul sucks at any of those positions, but it's just like, you don't care if someone's good at their job. What you care about is, are they a good partner in your household with your family? Yeah, but you still like, you respect when someone is good at something and you do. You talk about Kristen constantly being like one of the best actresses, which she is. Yeah. And you can see that and respect it and be proud of it. That doesn't mean - This is a direct one-to-one.

1:53:45So I'm never in bed ever, ever, ever thinking, God, she's such a great actor. Ever. When you're watching her acting, you - If I see her in a show, I think, God, she's so fucking great. Yeah. And then additionally, I'm happy for her, right? I'm like, I'm so happy for her. I'm sure Maya's so happy Paul got the thing in his brain onto the screen so successfully yeah yeah you know what I'm saying but I guarantee she just never ever thinks in bed I'm so glad he's good at his job no because you just don't care you don't care about that I know what you mean but like when you're watching Kristen together if you guys are watching Good Place like I've been there and Hit and Run we just did we watched Hit and Run okay Hit and Run yeah so you're like I do this when I'm watching her on stuff.

1:54:35I'm just like, God, she's so good. Yeah, yeah, me too. And yes, when I am around her as a person, she's my friend, she's a person. You're never thinking about how good she is as Matt. No, I don't. But I mean, actually, I guess maybe sometimes, even if I'm watching her, she's doing something incredible and I'm like, God, she's so good. I do think sometimes I'm like, it's crazy that's the person I know. Like it's definitely, it's like they're separate. They're kind of, and I can see it. So I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if she's watching, she's at the premiere. She's watching this movie and she's like, holy, my husband made this.

1:55:20Like this person, yeah, this person I know. For sure when she's watching the movie. This person I procreated with, like made this. Yes. For sure when she's watching the movie. Again, the guy farts in the bed, I assume. He does. He's a human and all humans fart in their bed. You even told me you fart in your bed. No, like one time. Okay, I already know that you. Okay, one time. But again, let's say your husband is the greatest accountant in the world. Yeah. You're never laying in bed being like, oh, man, he's so good at work. Because, again, you're not. That's something he does completely separate from you and your family.

1:56:02So him being good at that job has no impact on you other than financially. Yeah, it does. But if he comes home and he didn't take the trash out and then he leaves his dishes on the thing, how good of an accountant he is, no one gives a fuck. Yeah, I don't know. I hear what you mean, and I think you're right. Right, but I still think there's a respect that happens when someone is good at what they do. My parents have it for each other. I see it. And they talk about it. Well, right, they respect each other and admire each other. But the things that are annoying your mom about your dad, she never goes, but he's a great engineer.

1:56:37Oh, no, I know that. But the problem is, is a lot of actors and directors and writers act like in their house they should be being revered as an auteur. Right, that's bad. And they find people who are fans and allow them to act completely lazy in all departments because they're a genius in this one domain. Yeah, that's why I don't want to date an armchair. And it's bad. No, it's bad. Yeah. It's bad for a partner to care that the person's good at the job. And it's bad for the person who's good at the job to think that being good at the job has anything to do with your real life and in your interpersonal relationships.

1:57:12I think you're meshing it a little bit. I think it's, I think it's, I don't think it's bad to be like my husband or my wife is impressive. So, so talented. And so talented and not, and just a hard work. Good. They're, they're good at that. Yeah. And I'm impressed by it. Yeah. That's one thing. That doesn't mean that you're just in full, like, oh my God, I just, I can't, I can't believe how amazing he is. And I just want to, like, I'll do anything to keep him. But most specifically, it doesn't get you out of a single thing. It shouldn't get you out of anything, no. I think people fall in love with rock stars because they see them on stage.

1:57:53And on stage, they're absolutely magnetic and once in a lifetime. And then they get out to dinner with them and they're a normal person. No, I am so, I mean, I could not be in more, you're actually saying the thing I say constantly, which is like no one should be like afraid of anyone's status. Like everyone should. But those are often combined. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so like for me, no, that's one thing they do. But you're in a group of people. You're a person. You're a regular person. Everyone's the same. And this reverence is dangerous. Yeah. If Kristen slaps one of our daughters on the same day she wins an Emmy.

1:58:36Well, she deserves that. because she has full of emotion. Like, it's a lot. I just would, yeah, I just, I wouldn't give a shit about, yeah. Anyway. Anywho, want to do some facts? Okay, yeah. Now, I want to begin by saying that we had a bunch of alcohol on the table during this interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People might be confused by that. Yeah, where did it all go? Robin made me take it. Okay, great. And that is because you thought she would be nervous and that it might be fun to have some libation. Is that what it's called? Yeah, libation. Yeah, okay. Libations. Yeah. To like, you know, loosen her up.

1:59:15But when she arrived, you offered it to her and she was like, what is going on here? I don't even think I got to offer any of her. She's like, who's going to drink it? Like she made it really clear that that was sounding crazy. So I was just like, oh, yeah. Yeah, we think it's crazy. This is locked over from a party we had last night in the studio. In the Claudio. Yeah, so no one partook, just FYI. But it was a nice arrangement. I don't mind it as like a table piece. Yeah, it's like they need to pay us for that. Oh, okay. What if we took the labels off? I just like the idea of some cocktails and limes sitting out for guests.

1:59:52Like if I was willing to offer it to her, this is where it's not fair. I should offer it to everybody. Well, we have a lot of sober people in here. Offer it to them. A test of sobriety. It's a test. Anyway, that was that. That was booze. Oh, by the way, someone got it. Like I had said vodka and limes and a lot of limes because I had asked our mutual friend Amanda, what's her cocktail? And it was vodka with a lot of limes. Yes, this was on a previous fact check where you. It was on a fact check and someone wrote in the comments, vodka limes is Jennifer Aniston. And I was like, yeah, people are, they know everything about her.

2:00:33Wowie, wowie, wowie, wow. Yeah. And that's cool. It's not like they pitched anyone else. Surely other people drink vodka and lime. I didn't see another name in the comments, but it was like, bingo, it's Aniston. Wow. Yeah. Good job, that person. I didn't know, so I feel dumb. I'm shocked you didn't know. What is Taylor? She likes wine. Taylor likes wine. People know that. She likes sourdough bread. And she likes sourdough bread. I put a hot loaf of sourdough bread in front of her. Well, some people did that while she was on this tour. selling it. Oh, they did? Yeah, someone gave her sourdough.

2:01:08Is she liking it or not liking it? She liked it. Okay, so, but it worked, but it's already been done. It's already been done. I will get her - What about sourdough saturated in wine? That sounds gross. It sounds good to me. It does? Eat it with a fork and knife. They're like jello shots. It's also, it's very biblical. It is. You eat the bread, you drink the wine. The bread and the wine, the body and blood of Christ. Ding, ding, ding, Jennifer Aniston. Okay, Babar. Oh, yeah. I learned all about Babar, and also I was right. He is a king. The book is based on a tale, elephant character named Babar, who first appeared in 1931 in the French children's book, History of Babar.

2:01:46Okay, it's in French. It's not the most appealing title for a kid's book. Historie or whatever. De la Babar. Yes, exactly. The book is based on a tale that Brunhoff's wife, Cecile, had invented for their children. It tells the story of a young African elephant named Babar, whose mother is killed by a big game hunter. I know, it's sad. Babar the elephant escapes and in the process leaves the jungle in exile. This is Lion King. I know. Visits a big city and returns to bring the benefits of civilization to his fellow elephants. Just as he returns to his community of elephants, their king tragically dies from eating a poisonous mushroom.

2:02:25because of his travels and civilization, but Barr is chosen king of the elephant kingdom. Uh-oh, he marries his cousin Celeste and they subsequently have children and teach them valuable lessons. Oh, that's lovely. It does remind me of my favorite book of that nature, which is Lifcato the Lion by Shel Silverstein. Have you ever, speaking of giving trees, Shel Silverstein. Right. Lifcato the Lion, no? No. There are some hunters out on the, He's a lion. Yeah. And somehow they scare off these hunters and they leave one of their rifles behind. Okay. And Lefkado starts learning to shoot the rifle and he's like incredible at it.

2:03:06And he spins it on his tail. Lefkado. Lefkado the lion. Lefkado the lion. Huh. We always in my house said Lefkado. Oh. But, yeah, that's unfortunate. Anyways. So he becomes a real, what do they call it, a crack shot. Oh. And then he gets famous. Yes. And then someone sees him. Then they bring him to the big city and then he gets rich. It's kind of like Sid Arthur. Wow. He goes to the big city. He loves marshmallows. That's his favorite thing he's discovered of the human world is marshmallows. He's eating way too many marshmallows. Because he's rich and he just gets to have it. Yes, he wears furs now and he like spins the thing, but he's lazy about it.

2:03:42And he barely cares when he's putting on his show. And then he's got to return home eventually. It is, it's Sid Arthur. I don't know if Shell purposely. This is your whole story. You're LeCadio. You think so? LeCadio? LeCadio. the lion who shot back full of cotton he's taking a little yeah that is you he's got a catheter he might have his catheter in shell silverstein is full of of like tales and he's got a perverted book i used to love it there's this huge tall book that was in our thing and i remember removing it i was like i was being naughty when I would look through that one. We forgot to ask her about 11-11.

2:04:23That was a huge mistake. Oh, shit. Yeah, we fucked up. I know. I'm upset about that. I didn't even see on her wrist if that was there. Exactly. I didn't either. I wonder if that was like a temp for a movie. Maybe. Oh. We'll never know until she comes back. We could know, but I don't want to. No, we have to wait until she comes back. I'll send her another letter. Okay. I wonder if it will work the second time. Okay. Cher's Dollhouse Cher the pop star or Yeah, I think I'm also kind of confused by this You fill your little Cher dressing With many little pink hangers And many little Cher doll fits They were designed either from Bob Mackie Or maybe like in her Sonny and Cher days She had a line of toys or something Yeah, I think so Also ding, ding, ding Bob Mackie designed a lot of the outfits that Taylor is wearing in Life of a Showgirl.

2:05:22Oh, my goodness. I know. I know. Wow, wow, wow. Alan Parker did direct Fame. She was right about that. Bruce Almighty, his name is Bruce. Yeah, thank God. It's a big mystery. Yeah. Jim Carrey's name was Bruce. That shouldn't have been so hard for us to accept immediately. I know. he just doesn't look like a Bruce. But look, we don't always match our names. No. Although very few people don't. Well, I'll tell you one that's not, they have the right name, but someone was using an iteration of it. Uh-huh. That was insane to me. Okay. I was talking to somebody who - Well, Cotty, oh God.

2:06:05Sorry, that's what you're doing. I figured I had to be rascally with the monitor. Yeah, I was running, I was talking to someone yesterday who knows Eric, our good friend, Eric. Yes. And he was like, yeah, he's crazy. And I was like, oh no, that's not. That doesn't sound right. For Eric, that doesn't work at all. You can't, he's not like a B-boy where you can be like, oh, fucking E, do you see E? Well, maybe to that guy he was, he used to do a lot of drugs. No, but he's never had a B-boy vibe. He's never. What's a B-boy? Basketball boy? No, like a boy who's into hip hop. Oh. He's got the hat. Like fucking Entourage.

2:06:44All those guys. Mark Wahlberg's whole world. His name was E. There you go. There it is. Oh, yeah. But for Eric, I was like, no, we can't assign him E. That's right. Yeah. Gosh, this is a good question, though. I can't think of anyone we know that has really the wrong name. I guess you're right. I'll report back. I'm going to think on this. Yeah. The problem is we knew... Jim. Carrie. Before we knew the word Bruce. Now, if he'd always been Bruce Carrie, if we had met him as Bruce Carrie, it might have been fine. Bruce Carrie? Sounds good. Bruce Carrie. Yeah. What were we watching last night? Oh, we were watching Jim Bond.

2:07:30Oh, yeah. 007. I introduced the kids to 007 and they like it, which I'm so excited because there's 35 007s. Great. Six different actors that play him. Yeah. But I kept calling him Jim Bond the whole time, which sounds insane, right? Right. Jim Bond. Huh. Because now even like Tom Cruise, like Tom, Thomas, Thomas is like. Thomas Cruise sounds crazy. Yeah. But people, yeah. We kept going, me and the girls were like, who wins in a fight between Jim Bond, specifically Daniel Craig, because he's such a beast. Yeah. So he's got the body on Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible. But the girls decided Ethan had more moves, and I think I agree.

2:08:14I think in a battle to the death between Jim Bond and Ethan Hunt. That Ethan wins that fight. Okay. But Jim looks way better doing it. Okay. If people call him Dan, that doesn't work. Dan Craig. I don't like that. Now we're getting close to - Danny. Danny Craig. That is the discount food or not discount. I don't think it's discounted calories.

2:08:41Okay. Oh, some of the things the morning show predicted or like was kind of like right ahead of. Yeah. Billionaire space race. Me too. It wasn't really. They didn't predict. I think they didn't predict it, but. It came after Matt Lauer. The whole thing is like people thought was about Matt Lauer. Right. So predicts that we're fast and loose with predictive. Well, no. The first season of the show, which premiered in 2019, focused on the immediate fallout after co-anchor Mitch Kessler was fired for sexual misconduct. But was it Me Too 2020? No, it was earlier. Or was it not? It was earlier? Okay.

2:09:22And Matt Lauer was probably 18. Maybe. Okay. But they filmed this in 2013, so it predicted. Oh, and they delayed it for six years? Oh. What year was Matt Lauer, Rascal? 2017. Oh. 17. Okay. So they predicted it had happened two years before.

2:09:48Okay, COVID. Okay. And some other stuff. Oh, war in Ukraine and catastrophic floods in Eastern Australia. And we're sure that again that those. Yeah. Okay, those happened. Yeah, those happened. They wrote it before. Okay. Sorry, I'm going to spray malfunction. Yeah, it's on your lip.

2:10:11You have spray on your lip. All right. Well, that's it for one of the loves of my life. All right. Love you. Love you.

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