Jimmy Kimmel & Molly McNearney

19:23It's been like a decade since anyone has taken up a sword to defend the men in power. You would think the man in power would be like, oh, I hope she doesn't just like me because I have power you're thinking i don't think she likes me i don't know if this person likes me the last thing you're thinking is like she likes me so much i hope it's not for my power

19:45Jimmy Kimmel:it's funny because that would never occur to me i was like oh if she thinks i'm funny then maybe she'll like me it's never about like anything other than that right right i know that my only chance is to be funny now when it clicks to a guy in power then we got danger yeah yeah big time but I don't know that the friends I've had who've ended up dating coworkers, I don't think they were afraid the person liked them because they had power. I think they were just mostly really nervous and hopeful they liked them. They're saying the person in power was nervous and hoping the person without power liked them.

20:15Yeah. Yeah. Like, you'd have to be like, oh, they love me. They like me. I hope it's not for my power. They're not even assuming you like them. Like, you have to start there in some weird way. Does that make sense?

20:26Jimmy Kimmel:I think it depends on what you look like. I think like when guys are real good looking, it's just makes more sense to them. They're not worried. That's like societal power, I guess. But more it's once you're dating, then the power is the problem. Can be the problem. It's a big time. Well, I just kept thinking like statistically, this is not going to work out. And your life doesn't change, but mine does. Yeah. And that's what really freaked me out. That's what gave me so much comfort. Absolutely. That was your leverage. Yeah, but I was really freaked out by it because I had worked really, really hard.

20:58I was one of the head writers of the show. I had been doing that role for about a year and a half. The thing I most related to is when you were talking about, like, I don't want it to be, like, I like being us and them. I want to be in this writer's room and shit on him. Like, that would be the thing I would be afraid to lose. Yeah, I still shit on him in the writer's room. More so. Yeah. Much more so. Sometimes I do find myself overcorrecting a little bit. Not a little bit. A lot bit. Yeah. I got to keep my relationship in there, you know? Well, I'll tell you right now, Monica will probably cut this out, but she's in a situation where it's just a guy that was moving furniture into her house.

21:32She's like, that guy's tall and handsome. Went on a date with him. It didn't work out. Now she can't order any more furniture. Well, I will be ordering more furniture. I just will be getting the schedule.

21:42Jimmy Kimmel:Is he the only furniture delivery person? So he works with my designer. So my designer's like, okay, we're bringing in this. And he came over twice and I was like, that guy's cute. Stay on the couch. Yeah. Bring more couches. Drop the couch. I did make a mistake because I then pursued, which I was very proud of myself. Good for you. Yeah, we're all happy. Everyone's very proud. How did you do it? What did you say? So I reached out to my designer and I said, who is that guy? And she said his name. And I said, do you know if he's single? How old is he? She gave me all the information. He was single.

22:15And she said, should I give? First, she said, do you want to see him again before you decide? And I was like, very designer, by the way.

22:23Jimmy Kimmel:Exactly. Try it out for a week. Look at the sample. Was there a 30 % commission? Exactly. No, they call it auditioning a piece when they like have something. Do you want to audition him? So I said, okay, well, give him my number. And then he texted me immediately. It was fine, right? Someone needs to snatch him up and marry him, but it's not going to be me. Yeah. I understand that. Now she's really got to decide how bad she wants the ottoman from the catalog. Never coming downstairs from upstairs. Yeah, that's hard. What if I'm there when he arrives? I'm like, hey, yeah, she was, and I start receiving your furniture.

23:01You start dating him. I'll start dating him, yeah, yeah. From your point of view, this is confusing to me, but I accept it, which is you slowly were exposed to what a wonderful and generous and thoughtful human he was in your attraction group. What took you eight years?

23:15Jimmy Kimmel:Well, I was dating someone. Okay. I was dating Sarah Silverman, and then we broke up, And then because we broke up, I didn't feel it was, I don't know, just didn't feel like it would be cool for me to go anywhere to like be out or anything. Okay. So we would just hang out at the office with a group of about seven or eight people every night. And that was really like our social life. So it was like a reality show in some ways, you know, I'm not seeing Love Island. You're making this sound so romantic. You're like, basically I couldn't go anywhere. So she was just there. She was yours or sequestered.

23:47Do you know that? She was the only woman I was allowed to see. We were in lockdown.

23:52Jimmy Kimmel:Well, we got to know each other in a way that you don't usually get to know people at work. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Especially me, because there are like four people at work that I talk to every day. And Molly's not one of them. It's like I'm in an office just kind of staring at my computer trying to figure out what we're going to do that night. Right. Okay, now that you guys have been working together and together for 16 years of that. I do wonder, it's almost impossible to have time with your partner when you have kids. Considering how demanding both roles are at the show, do you think you could have been together 16 years if you didn't work together?

24:30Would you ever see each other and would you only see each other in this stressful kid dynamic? That's a great question.

24:37Jimmy Kimmel:There were like work weekends where we have to go someplace that we wind up spending a lot of time together and they feel like vacation weekends. And then occasionally we do go on, we don't take long vacations together, but we'll go away for a couple of days. And that's always nice. How often does that happen? Well, I was going to say, I think we would have found each other and been together, whether we work together or not. But I do think that the job has made us so much closer. I do think that there's kind of like this, I mean, similar to I imagine what you guys feel, like you have a common goal every day.

25:09We have a shorthand with each other. We have an understanding, especially just like the ups and downs of our life professionally, personally, publicly. I think it has made us so much closer.

25:20Jimmy Kimmel:We don't have to explain things to each other like, oh, wait till you hear what happened at work today because you experience it simultaneously. Do you think it's also neutralized what could easily be bad behavior? Like if you were just the host of this talk show and you had a wife who wasn't in the business, it would be easy for you to think like what you're doing is so demanding and important. And you would come home and you explain to her the pressures and she might be enamored with how much. But you're doing the same thing. So no one gives a fuck that anyone's burnout. Right. Don't you think that's kind of healthy?

25:53Yeah. Like Kristen's not impressed with what I do. I'm not impressed with what she does. Do you think it's like neutralized how you might have behaved otherwise in a different relationship? Yeah, I don't know, really.

26:03Jimmy Kimmel:I think most people have a pretty hard day, right? I do a lot of stuff. Too much stuff. And if anything, the argument we have is that Molly says, I'm doing too much stuff and can't understand how I'm doing this much stuff. To me, it's just kind of like, well, I have stuff that has to be done. So I'm doing it. Stuff needs to do it. Where I get frustrated personally is when there's something that I don't want to do, some like work that I have to do that's like two hours of going through scripts in a very detailed way that is not enjoyable and I get shit for it that I don't like it's like wow this is once again I found myself in a lose-lose situation well you have someone who wants to be with you you know that's nice but then I go like yeah but also you know you work at the show too and you know we have to do this stuff I do so it sometimes it's like not only do I have to do this but she's mad.

26:58Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, sure. That's the icing on the cake. I said to him the other night, the day is so grueling and like putting on a show every day is so demanding. I don't know if people really understand. It is from seven in the morning and to him, it's usually like 10 or 11 o 'clock at night. He gets home, we put the kids to bed. You know, he reads Harry Potter with them. We have dinner and then it's back to work for about two to three hours on his computer prepping the next day. And the other night we were just like laying in bed and I said, this is my favorite time of the day when it's just quiet there's no noise and just two of us laying in bed together and we're like really talking and connecting and it's also crazy that it's just like 10 minutes a day when it's a show day you know there was silence and then she heard well he is narcoleptic and he falls asleep immediately well if he's up from or working from seven to that's my secret talent is falling right to sleep.

27:52It's so annoying. He falls asleep immediately. Oh, that's aggravating. So I'm very much you in the relationship. I think Kristen could say no to more things. I envy her sleep. Yeah. It's interesting because would you agree? You don't just get angry that they work too much or that they've said yes to many things. I start getting into psychoanalyzing her and I'm like, what is the big barrier of saying no? Yes. Or is it can you not remember how you felt the last and you said yes to that thing and that you'll be there and you'll hate it and you don't need to do that anymore. So I get overly obsessed with trying to figure out what is going on.

28:28Same. And I think a lot of it is I just say like a yes to all that is a no to us at home. And I know that a lot of it is part of the job and you have to do it. But I start to take it, I wouldn't say personally, but like, yeah, I guess personally, I'm like, why do all those people get a piece? Can we have a little bigger piece of the pie? But I also understand the demands of the job better than anybody. It's all the extra stuff. I mean, you know, all that. You're doing one of it right now. And by the way, I just want you to know for the record, I did not ask you guys to come on. He was so nice and offered and I never would have done it because I know what week we're all having.

29:01I was confused at first.

29:04Jimmy Kimmel:Dax was, you didn't believe Dax made the mistake of trying to communicate with me as a human being. And I'm not used to that. I thought we could bond. This time of year for both of us is really hellish. I saw it as he needed help. I was like yes we will you know what we are very busy but we will figure it out and he's like well I wasn't asking you and then I was in a tricky situation I was like I would never ever turn you guys down as guests why are we here did you invite us here I did yeah I invited us here Molly I just said kind of hey checking in I know this is our most miserable time of year we share this always when we get to Idaho I'm dead and I can see you guys are dead so it's just kind of like saying like, hey, how's the grind going?

29:46Yeah. And I don't know why you interpret that as like, I'm not sure why I interpret it either. I'll tell you why. Maybe he's asking people to work more than you think he's just saying yes. No, this is the problem. This is just a human being trying to have a human interaction with your friend checking in. What a nice thing. But you're so like used to just like the transaction of every day of like, yes or no.

30:10Jimmy Kimmel:It was the middle of the day. I was in that mode, you know, and I was just like, oh, right. Also, this isn't exactly work. The only time we really get to have a long, detailed conversation is when I'm here doing this podcast. I look at it as a social opportunity. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that your keys are actually in your hand before you close the car door? Have you ever stood in a parking lot full of sun staring at your keys sitting right there on the seat four inches away and completely useless to you?

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31:24You may have picked up on some truth, though. We did need this. We do. We're trying to get through the summer. Right. We need guests. I understand

31:33Jimmy Kimmel:I felt like if I can help that, I can relate to that. You know, you've got to bank some shows in order to go on vacation. Wait, I need more. Was the intention at all to have him on the show? Tell me the truth. A thousand percent zero. Yeah, no, it's clear from the text that that wasn't his intent. I know what his schedule is. That's how I read it. I won't ask you guys to be on when I need you and I know you're free. I will, I will. So the chance I would have asked. Dear y 'all's hardest. We have asked you so many times. Dax and Kristen always come through when we need to guess. That is also in my head, too.

32:07Jimmy Kimmel:Like, if there's a request of any kind, I must. Okay, you ready? Yes. It's that time of year, dot, dot, dot, doing six to eight a week, trying to get free for the summer. Thought you might be in a similar burnout phase. June 19th, can't get here soon enough. I see how you read that as he might need some. I was like checking in. That is a human checking in with another human. I think it was the it's that time of year part that I was like, OK, all right. It's that time of year. I'm in the same boat. But if you need me, I'll make it work.

32:41Oh, no. Which I responded. Ah, that's generous and beautiful. I promise I wasn't fishing. I was just thinking of who could relate to the bottomless content inferno that we won't ever abate. Why are we here? And then he wrote, ah, either way, the offer stands. So now it's like. Now he's doubled down. I really want to come on. I'm like, I'm going to offend him by not inconveniencing him. It'd be so great if these weren't even on. Like, they just set this all up for us just to make you feel.

33:08Jimmy Kimmel:That's one of the fun things about being me. Like, on one hand, you know, I don't want to do stuff. On the other hand, for instance, if you had been doing this podcast for a long period of time and never had asked me to be on it, even though you'd said, you know what, he's so busy. Like, I don't want to bother him and ask me to be on it. It would drive me insane. It would. It would drive me nuts. It's so hard to figure out. I think that's why I'm still intrigued with you after 22 years. Because I want to know why you're saying yes to everything. Immediate theories jump out at me. Like, one is you have a hard time saying no.

33:35Two is, like, you think you got to keep your foot fucking slammed to the floorboard to keep, I don't know, the business going, which doesn't seem right. You are generous.

33:47Jimmy Kimmel:I'm in the business of asking people to do things for me. Okay. Excuse me. What do you mean by that? Like, them coming on the show? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And, like, when we have a bit and, like, you know, I'm committed to some idea. I think it's going to be so funny, but it can only be this person. And if they say no, it can be so heartbreaking, you know? Or if you're in like a tough spot, you're like somebody got sick and the show's in three hours. So for me, there are certain people like Dax, for instance, who I would never say no to ever. And I mean, unless like, you know, I was on the moon or something like that.

34:22Jimmy Kimmel:And then there are other people, you know, who to a lesser extent, like, you know, somebody's been on my show eight times and then they want me to do their podcast in my head that the just thing is to do the podcast that's it that's a beautiful way to put it but if I were your partner what Kristen would say to me is they're not doing you favors to me on your show I agree you have a great fun show that is a great opportunity to promote a project that you're obligated to promote and there's no better fun or place to go do it so really it's not about doing favors, really. It's about being fair, the spirit of it.

34:57Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about knowing what it takes to pull off something like this, but it's hard. And so if you can show up for someone, you will. You do that. If anyone asks you to be on a podcast, you say yes. Oh, I will, but I'm not as busy as Jimmy or as popular, so it doesn't come up as much. But I want a psychological breakthrough here. There's something more going on. I have a hard time saying no to charity events as well. It's a very, very difficult thing for me. Yeah. Yeah. That's hard. I'd also just like to add that I think some of it is guilt, maybe like a little bit of guilt.

35:26I think Jimmy is still in shock that he is as successful as he is. And I think that he feels very guilty almost about that.

35:34Jimmy Kimmel:I think it's more I grew up Catholic and I just have an inherent sense of guilt about existing in the world and having. Listen, if you're going to really be Catholic, you should have no money. You should have nothing. You should give all of it away. Yeah. Right. Right. So that's strike one, two and a half that you got to come back from. And in general, like I'm from a family of people who do a lot of things for other people. That's the model. That's what I have seen in my life. When we would go to church at the end of church, my parents would be folding up all the chairs while everybody else left.

36:11Jimmy Kimmel:Right. So that's just what is ingrained in me. That is exactly who you are. That could be motivated by two things. One is, yeah, I don't deserve this and I'll jinx myself if I'm not always available and ready to show up. I don't look at it like that. You don't. No, it's not like superstitious. Thank you. Okay. You just passed the most important test. Yeah, we just talked about this. We just talked about this. We went to lunch with some friends a few years back and I'm at this lunch and I'm staring at my male friend's nose. And there are six very, very visible, huge black hairs growing out of his nose from across the table.

36:51I can see inside. No, no. The outside sprouted from the bulb of the nose. Right. Yeah. Are you friends with a rhesus monkey? See it from the other side of the table and catty corner. Right. I was diagonal from my friend. And we got in the car and I said to my wife, she hates his fucking guts. That woman is a foot from his face. She sees that. And she's like, yeah, I want this motherfucker out there with hair all over his nose. And she goes, yeah, it's kind of crazy. There's no way you would be moving around town with huge hairs growing on your nose. Never mind her. What's wrong with him? No. Yeah.

37:23He can't see. Why? Can't he see it? He's got a mirror, right? I didn't want to say this friend is Stevie Wonder. No, no, no, no. But it is an older man who probably would have to put glasses on to see the hairs in the mirror. And we don't bring our reading glasses to the mirror regularly. This is her job and it's his job to be minding her. So I say this in the car and Kristen kind of agrees. Guys, they got divorced three months later. Really? They did. Oh, wow. So what I just saw, you caring for how your partner looks. Good job. Just bought us at least three months. Yeah, I am not making that prediction.

37:58Jimmy Kimmel:What was it like? Is there some like nose hair version of irreconcilable differences? If I were him and I was in court, I would say, look, she could see these huge hairs. I was embarrassing myself everywhere. And she wanted me to be. She could also say in court, he just stopped taking care of himself. He was letting all these hairs grow out of his nose and didn't seem to care enough about. He would say, Molly, I can't see. We made that part up. Who drove home? Was it her or him? They were staying at the hotel. Oh, that's enough information. And I was hot under the collar when we left that. Wow.

38:32Because of that. What is she doing? Why didn't you tell him? But it's interesting to me that you got mad at her before him. I agree. I felt bad for him. You are one of the most feminist men that I know, and I'm a little surprised that you were mad at her and not him. Like, why aren't you like, hey, man, clean up? Yeah, but he would have felt the same way it was reversed, right? He clearly doesn't know that. He has those hairs. No one would leave the house if they knew about the amount of long hairs growing out of the nose. Yeah, yeah. And so is your partner not looking at you at all? That's concerning.

39:04Like if Kristen had five huge black hairs around her nose, I would see it. Yeah. And I would go, hon, I know you're going to a photo shoot. Do you want me to grab the tweezers? Because I'd love her. And you would do the same thing. Yeah, I would. This is a good reason to be disappointed. Okay, he could be a very sensitive person. Maybe before she's tried to be like, hey, you have. And he's like, don't stop. He's insecure. Just stop picking on me. Don't touch my face. I had a terrible experience. That's how I make my money. I had a terrible experience helping someone with a hair once. I was high school and this girl, Carmen Pastore, blonde, beautiful.

39:35All the guys loved her. They're all around her. She's telling a story. Everyone's enamored. And I was like, oh, look at her. But I'm embarrassed for her because she has blonde blonde hair and ones on her face. As she's mid-story, I reached over and I pulled it and it went, and I'm like, and all of the guys at the same time. And she got beet red. She had like a nine inch long blonde chin hair. I don't know how she made it out the door, not seeing that. But I remember just feeling.

40:01Jimmy Kimmel:When you pulled the string, did she say something? I want to be friends. No, I don't think she would be my friend anymore. I felt terrible. Oh, no. Yeah, because you just thought it was an errant hair. Yeah, I thought it was an errant hair, and I went to pull it, and it was connected to the chin. We have somebody at our show who has a lot of ear hair that I monitor, and I talk to him about it. I was like, that's too much ear hair. Oh, good. You've got to take care of that, because once you just stop, then it's like, what happens? You become an old man, right? Yes, yes, yes. And so I monitor it.

40:35Have the children taken over any of your duties? Because Lincoln, for whatever reason, is so on top of my ears. She examines them all the time. She finds crust in there. She hates it. She wants me to have clean ears when I leave the house. Oh, I like that. So is Jane taking over any of your duties in that regard?

40:52Jimmy Kimmel:She yells at me when I put Q-tips in my ears. Okay. Because she knows they're not. They're very interesting children. They're very by the book. We have a friend who litters and smokes, and they are mortified by this. And he loves how mortified they are by it. And so he does it a lot in front of them. He yells at me when I hold my sneezes in, which I do. Yeah, they both do. Because I then made the mistake of telling them, and you have to fact check this, that it kills brain cells. And they now are worried about my brain. Well, now she lets these terrifying karate chop sneezes out. Each one takes like six and a half days off of my life.

41:28Jimmy Kimmel:You get so mad. You have no idea how mad I get because I keep it in most of the time. It really is like somebody hit you in the back of the head with something. I had to let it out because the kids get mad. They're like, Mom, let it out. She went from when we met. Yeah, that's what he always says. No, one time I really let one loose and I hear him the other one. When we started dating, they were so quiet. You were so mad. You felt like I told you. They frightened me. They frightened me. Oh, for God's sake. They startled me. We have a friend who has horrific sneezes in the same way. It's like the whole table just jumps up every time.

42:01Yeah. They're hostile. They feel aggressive. She's adding to them. I am not adding to them. They're cartooning. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't want to get into the weeds in it, but there are several funny things that came out of the cancellation. I wouldn't have thought this. It was a cancellation. It was a suspension. My, yes. My vacation. Whatever. Yeah. Whatever we're calling that now. I found there to be some funny things I learned. Oh, all right. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm excited about this. I didn't know this. There were helicopters all around your house during this? Yes. So I didn't know that.

42:33That's intense.

42:34Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, there were like 15 black SUVs following us home. Remember when we were crouching in the bushes? Including the local NBC affiliate, which I found for whatever reason, that really pissed me off. What the fuck? We were trying to lose them on the way home from the show. I learned that in time of war or strife, we would be so dead. I'm like, here's what we're going to do. You make a left here. We're going to get out of the car. You're going to keep driving. You'll keep going. You know, we're blocked by the houses. You keep driving and then send another car to pick us up, coming the other way, and we'll slip into that car.

43:13Jimmy Kimmel:And they're like, yeah. And they're like, the whole time, they know where we live. You just look stupid. Getting in and out of cars. A million cars. The only photos they got of us were when we were doing that stupid car swap. We're like, let's go to the Trader Joe's parking lot. We'll swap cars. That's right. We went to Trader Joe's also. Yes, we did. Oh, that was part of the plan? Yes. To go to Trader Joe's. Oh, my God. We have no idea what we're doing. We're not cut out for this. Yeah. We did not go to the Britney Spears school of paparazzi evasion. That's where you need. You guys needed to switch to motorcycles that week.

43:42That would be cool. But it was more intense than I think I gave it credit for. But there are a couple hysterical moments that came out of it when you had to, like, tell the kids. and I'm thinking about something Jane said and Billy, but Billy was the first right to ask, is it the president? Does he have something to do with this? Is he the one who asked that? I believe it was Jane. We had to explain what was going on because there were helicopters and noise outside her house and also they're still in school and this was becoming a very huge story. We didn't know how big it would be and we didn't know if the kids were going to hear about it at school.

44:15So we said the show has been canceled for a little bit and Jane said, is this Donald Trump's fault? Okay. And we said yes. Which, again, correct. When you're evaluating all the weird ways our kids are growing up, that's incredibly bizarre. It really is. I said to Jim the other day, I'm like, what a wild childhood for these kids to know that the president of the United States doesn't like their father. I mean, that's not a great feeling, but it's also kind of funny.

44:42Jimmy Kimmel:In a feather in your cap. I don't know if they understand that he's not like a movie villain or a TV, you know, in a way he is. He's like a cartoon character. They're probably having a hard time taking him seriously. It will also, they never had a normal president. For them, it's like, this is what happens with the president. Yeah, these are president is like interchangeable with Dr. Evil or something. But the one that cracked me up is that Jane was really concerned. And I just learned this about her. She very much thinks she'll be taking over your show. She does. Yes. It's going to be Jane Kimmel.

45:17Yes. So she started crying because her show was going away.

45:21Jimmy Kimmel:Oh, shit. Yeah. Which I found annoying and presumptuous. For whatever reason, she's decided, even though she's one of my four children, that she is taking over the show. It was never a conversation even. It was just like, yeah, well, I will, of course, run the family business. I love the spirit. I know if I were your kid, I'd be thinking that for sure. I would almost be really pushing you off. I think she'd be great. She did great. I told Jon Stewart about this. He said, yeah, yeah, my son said the same thing. He was like, yeah, and then I will be taking over the Daily Show. And he was like, what's with this Trevor character?

45:58Jimmy Kimmel:What's going on? Who's he? And then another really funny thing was you had said, I think, to Jane, I hope you know that over time you'll find out that we were on the right side of history. That's really important. And to which she replied, I thought we were on the left. She did. because they thought we were on the left. She also offered to sell her labubus. She immediately cried. She goes, I'll sell all my labubus. She had three labubus at the time. Each time something happens, they think we're just going to be bankrupt the next day. They don't seem to understand that there's some savings. I went to play poker with my groundlings friends from like 30 years ago.

46:37It's like a$10 buy-in poker game. And I went, little did I know, the entire three hours I was gone, Lincoln was obsessed with the fact that I'm going to lose all of our money. And when I got home, she's like, dude, you lose all of our money. And I'm like, I guess you have a right to fear that I'd be a gambling addict too, but I'm not. I mean, it's better that than them thinking like you guys have infinite money. Yeah. You want them to be a little anxious about it. Yeah.

47:01Jimmy Kimmel:Maybe not as anxious as they are. Yeah. There's a fine line, I guess. How long was the window before you knew that you were coming back? We were suspended on, was it a Tuesday or a Wednesday? I remember it as a Wednesday. Yeah, I think a Wednesday is correct. And we were back on the following Tuesday. The following Tuesday. So almost a full week. Yeah, almost a week. Three shows really is what it was. Were you at any point going like, oh, okay, I'm retired. Was there any little window where you're like, maybe I need to embrace this and maybe I'm excited for that? Yeah, I mean, it's funny. It's more immediate than that.

47:41Jimmy Kimmel:It's more like, all right, so I don't have to do a show on Monday. You know, that's kind of how I looked at it. Like, all right, well, the good news is I don't have to work tomorrow. Of course, it turned out to be a much more stressful workday than the usual workday. But it was a little bit of that. Yeah. It was like, I don't need this. This is such bullshit. I don't need it. You do deal with that thought. I deal with that thought regularly, not just in an extreme situation. I deal with that now on a daily basis, I think. Just like, is this why? is weirdly I deal with it less now than I used to because now I feel like this show is an outlet for people who are outraged by what's going on and I feel some responsibility to those people so it's not just like why do I need to get up and it's like well yeah there is kind of a reason a non-financial reason that you need to do this nothing we ever did in the past had any consequence you know You know, he would say something or tweet something, maybe.

48:40Jimmy Kimmel:I don't even mean consequence in that way. I mean, consequence like it didn't matter. We had people jumping off a diving board in their bathing suits that we pulled off the street. It had nothing to do with anything that was actually going on in the world. Not winning a Peabody, really, for that. No, no, we didn't get one of those. By the way, I noticed today that Peabody's been rolling around in my trunk for like two weeks. Oh, God. I was like, what is this? Can we rant it? Put it on the hood. You know, we campaign for it almost every episode. We don't want any award other than the Peabody. And we're not sure how you get one or why.

49:13I would love that for you guys. It sounds great. There's 15 jurors and they all have to say yes. If one person says no, you don't get it. It's like joining the Hell's Angels. It's got to be unanimous. Yep. Aren't you now on the committee for Peabody? So a guest told us this. They said, I think Kimmel has joined somehow.

49:31Jimmy Kimmel:If I am, it's news to me. I don't think so. Well, if you are, and if you end up at a meeting, they ask. Or they probably don't even ask, you offer to go. If you want the one that's in my trunk, I would love it. I just want to see what it looks like. It is pretty cool. And it started in radio. The Peabody started as an award to people on radio. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Because that's all there was at the time. It's a broadcasting and film award. Okay. Did it get tricky at all? It's stressful on a relationship, no? Yeah, for sure. I think this is a little different because we were in it together.

50:05Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah. And most of the situations we are. Yeah. Like it affects my livelihood, my job, my coworkers. So I was right there hand in hand with him the whole time. I will say like I get to a point of resentment when it is relentless scrutiny or, oh my God, that joke we said yesterday is everyone's mad at us for it. I resent how much time and it sucks. How much energy it takes. The energy it sucks. But no, I feel like we are lucky and that we really kind of were in the same spot during that. I let it roll off my back much more than I ever had. The older I get, the less affected I am by that. I'm much more affected, I think.

50:46Yeah. When I heard you guys talk about it, you said you get more mad. Yeah. Why do you think it's less now?

50:53Jimmy Kimmel:I think I'm not as connected to what people are saying. I also, you know, before I did this job and even before I was on television, I was in a very stressful job as a radio disc jockey getting fired from town to town to town. And I've become hardened in some ways. Also, like at that time when I lost my job, I was in deep financial trouble. Like I couldn't miss one paycheck. It was a problem. And I do try to remember that. I go, okay, but I don't have this job. We're going to be okay. I don't have to worry about that. And I do take some solace and comfort in that. So there's like little spikes of gratitude within the misery.

51:36Jimmy Kimmel:Keeping it in perspective, that perspective at that time. Now, yeah, it wasn't the president. You weren't dealing with the most powerful person in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a much bigger concern is I can't get$20 out of the ATM because I have less than that in it. That's a real concern. So these things that I'm dealing with are big and they get a lot of attention. But getting fired in Tampa, Florida was harder than this. How about the aspect, though? I don't mind at all if I said an opinion and you understood the opinion and you object to it. I can live with that all day long. Our weird little dust-up made me mad because we were in trouble for a joke people didn't get.

52:22And so you're mad at me for something you've misunderstood. And I find that really fucking uncomfortable. Like, I can't just let that roll off my back. I feel like I have to explain it and protect it.

52:33Jimmy Kimmel:Until they accept it. Yeah. I do believe we're also living in a time where people are deliberately misinterpreting words for either clickbait or attention or just prodding people. Political capital. Yeah. I resent that too. Yeah. It's hard to live with the notion someone is really angry at you or something. they misunderstood is I don't know why I like I wish I could shake that off misunderstanding I can deal with that what really drives me crazy is intentionally perverting your words to suit whatever their narrative is yeah but that's a class of person right they're coming for you no matter what like that I would put in the category you know no matter what I say you're gonna but it's just like the average person who heard through the grapevine what the thing was and they don't understand that irritates me some people believe it that's the heart it's like yeah that type of person bothers me especially because i don't do it i won't do it even when i see trump say something crazy and he's obviously joking which he is sometimes oh yeah i go yeah but he was joking and they'll be like oh you know like yeah but he's joking so you have some ethics about what you're gonna i might make a comment about if this joke was presidential or whatever but I'm not going to make that a literal statement.

53:48Jimmy Kimmel:Right. Do you have a harder time when it's directed at Kristen or at you? A thousand percent worse when it's Kristen. In fact, I never, I don't think I ever engage defending myself online. But if I read something about Kristen, I am fucking at the keyboard. Yep. I won't have it. I find it really hard because I feel like you know that person better than anyone. And you're watching people write their story that is absolutely not who they are. And I feel like I do it all the time with Jimmy too. And it makes me crazy. You're also married to a very generous, beautiful person, as am I. So my anger is like, how fucking dare you sling mud at her?

54:22What have you fucking helped somebody do recently? Like no one in this country is in a position that they can be on a moral high ground over Kristen. Right. And it drives me like, how dare you? Completely. This is the most generous fucking person. Angel on earth. That's where it's really, really hard for me. I get really upset. I'm like, you don't know this person.

54:39Jimmy Kimmel:Same here when it happens the other way. You want to fight then. Yeah. Yeah, you don't really care about any other principles you had. Yeah, you become just like kind of an animal protecting a cave. It's funny, it even happens here. But we often are on opposite sides sometimes of a conversation or an issue. But then if it's like when it's your brother, like when somebody else says it, I'm like, no, no, you don't get to say that. You're not allowed to say it. Only I can say it. I want you guys to apologize to me because I'm sorry. Well, I'd prefer you heard it. Oh, okay. Yeah. It doesn't feel as genuine when you don't know what you're.

55:21Oh, okay. Yeah. I can see that you've been with someone for 16 years.

55:25Jimmy Kimmel:You have the right blueprint. I love the setup to this question. I almost don't even want to hear the statement because it's so exciting. I want to revel in the drama of what it is. We can switch subjects for a while. I'm good at earmarking things. but when all this stuff happened i'm like oh boy i need to send molly and jimmy a text and then i go the last thing they need is a fucking text from somebody i'm at home and i'm just like ah fuck i know i don't want to bother them and also i need them to know that i'm heartbroken they're going through this you know i mulled it over for a couple days and then i finally committed to sending it and that was just really stressful for me i cannot apologize enough for that.

56:09Jimmy Kimmel:I'm so sorry. You can't really imagine what I went through. We did that to you. Oh, we're apologizing to you for the stress it caused you. Yes, I didn't know whether I should text you or not. That makes total sense. It's funny because the question itself is puzzling to me because I'm not adding up who has texted me and who hasn't or who has emailed me and who hasn't. It would be impossible. Yeah. But I wouldn't notice if like my dad didn't send me something. Yeah. Yeah. And I do think that, yeah, waiting like a week or so is good. It's a good way to go because it shows that, like, hey, listen.

56:45I'm just trying to add to your thing. I know. And then the fear kicks in and you're like, maybe he is going like, what, does he agree with these people? I'm going to be honest with you. That's where I was. What? I was there. I was like, wow, we haven't heard from so-and-so or so-and-so. And I think I was spinning out. We were in isolation in our home. we were being attacked by the White House in a big part of the country. And I was, after a few days, been like, haven't heard from, you were not, I'm sorry, I didn't say your name. No, that's great. But it would be a few people, I'm like, wow, haven't heard from them.

57:15I'm like, do they think we should be off the air? Like I started to think like, oh, they agree with this decision. He was never there. I would bring it up to him. I don't know anybody who agrees with this decision. He's like, stop it. They don't want to reach out. But I was going there. But this has been super productive because now we know in the future, I will text you. Thanks. and I'll just show up to be on your podcast. Guys, this isn't your last dust up. I know. So tired. We have to learn to appreciate when the sailing is smooth. Cousin Sal said it best the other day. He said, writing for this show and being part of the show is like being in the car and you're not drunk.

57:50The cop pulls behind you and you start to just drive like, oh, I should be slower and I could get pulled over for a little thing. That's how it feels every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's a cop behind us.

58:00Jimmy Kimmel:Except I'm still speeding. Yeah. And you're a little drunk. Yeah. I always err on the side of sending it, even though it can feel a little selfish, because it is like, I just need them to know that I care or I'm thinking about them. Or I'm with you. And I recognize it. It's like, oh, I know they're getting so many, but it's important to me that you know that. A lot of it is about who it's coming from. You know, sometimes there are people who you just don't know at all. Like, you know, they want to tell their friends. Yes, some of the texts came in and you're like, oh, they just want to know what's going on.

58:32People in their lives have said, have you talked to Jimmy and my mom? People in my life said that. Right. My mom called me. I'm like, what? Yeah. Why do I have to give you an account? You should have sent her on through. I would have texted with her. Although I will say I did not respond. I got hundreds and hundreds of texts. I did not respond to any. I would just heart, heart, heart. Oh, okay. Because I was too scared. I didn't know what the status was. And I was also afraid, honestly, at that moment. I'm like, are my text messages going to be used in court? Like, I don't know what's going on.

58:57And so I just hearted.

58:58Jimmy Kimmel:Here's another angle though. I will throw at you. Okay. Sometimes when somebody who's famous is going through something, I intentionally will not reach out to them because I don't want them to think like, cause sometimes something's going on with me and I'm like, Oh, this is no big deal. And then suddenly it's like, I look at my phone and go, Oh crap. I guess this is a big deal. I'm going to out him. Jake Tapper. I learned that we were in a controversy. We were five days in. I had no clue. no way he never stops reporting the news how even do the people involved and I literally wrote back wait what are you talking about and then he's like oh sorry I'm like yeah I don't even know what you're talking about because I've been keeping it from me yeah that happens sometimes and I just didn't even know oh jeez I would never have known about this but you text back right away of course and you said you want me to come on your show

59:55i'm a little busy but i could be there in 15 minutes no but you wrote back right away i was like exactly this poor guy he's fucking dealing with this and now he's got to write me back i shouldn't have said okay lastly i want to talk about family i wonder we addressed it already what's not fair to say is that our kids are growing up in a very weird situation because actually they're not. I think people would be surprised about that. Like it's just the same you're eating dinner, you're begging them to clean up the room. You got to go to school. It's just real life. But then there's pops of insanity.

1:00:28Yeah. Or it's like someone they worship is walking through the driveway to come talk to dad. That stuff's kind of weird. And I wondered, do you guys share the same fears? What are the fears?

1:00:40Jimmy Kimmel:We do. But also I think we have to accept what reality is and there's this idea like i'm gonna create this phony world for them where everything is as it was when i was a kid even i think back to when i was a kid i grew up in las vegas it's a strange place to grow up it wasn't a normal upper now most of it was and i think it's the same with them like most of it is but then also there's the strip right near your house and people are there getting drunk and gambling and everyone's parents work there and you're exposed to it and i just think like that you want to teach them values and you want to have like a normal life and and give them attention and all those things that are important and make sure they learn their multiplication tables but you can't be phony and you can't pretend that what's happening is not happening.

1:01:34Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, you can't gaslight them. And that's kind of what I think our initial inclination is. Like we got to let them think everything's exactly the same as if they were growing up in Brooklyn, you know? I find that I definitely worry about it, the access they have or the things they get to experience. And then I will say to them, like, don't talk about this at school. Yeah, same. And then I'm like, what am I doing? I'm teaching them to lie or to hide or feel shame that they got to meet Olivia Rodrigo. Like, that should be exciting. But also I realized, like, they don't know how cool that is. They genuinely don't.

1:02:09Like, Olivia Rodrigo was on the show and she made an offhanded comment, like, I'd love to babysit the kids sometime. Well, Jane keeps asking, like, when's she going to babysit? Like, she doesn't know what her hourly rate would be. I think we put so much more value on these things than they do. The things I worry about also, I'm going to have to also let it be what it is. So one of the things I observed is like, well, they go to a totally normal fucking school. More than half the kids are free lunch, right? So half the kids that come over to this house, they don't have a swimming pool. I started getting nervous about like, oh, she has all the leverage.

1:02:43It's not healthy for someone to have all the leverage. Like it's not healthy to know you're providing the special thing to all the people when you're young. Will she exploit that? Then I've been out. I'll like observe like she being a little short with her friend. It's just normal stuff, but I have such a fear that she would not realize, well, a lot of these kids, this is a special experience. That's what stresses me out. You know what's funny is so many times I've been stressed about this and I've thought we should call Dax and Kristen. And while I'm learning, you don't have the answers either.

1:03:15I make decisions. Yeah. I have no idea. Like parenting already, no one knows what they're doing. I mean, they don't. We're doing the best that we can. It's your first time. Yeah, it's like this added element of like now there's fame in there and there's billboards of their dad on the way to school. Like that's not normal. I don't know how to do it. I'll be honest.

1:03:35Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, it's a little scary. I do. I go, hey, guys, look, it's me. Hey, who's this handsome guy? Look at me over there. But I also don't think they should carry our, I feel like we do project our own. It's good that we're scared. I think we have this idea that however we were raised is the way you're supposed to be raised. Yeah. And it's very egomaniacal and a lot of like, look at how I came out. I need them to come out this way. This was the formula that happened. But if you think about leverage, you think about like leverage to kids. I think having a beautiful house with the pool is not so different from when I would go over my friend Cleto's house and he had a Betamax.

1:04:16Jimmy Kimmel:You know, it's like it's just to a kid. Exactly. It's different. Leverage could just be you have a pair of Reeboks. Yes. You know. Yeah. But I was in a situation where it's like you did hang out with a kid you didn't like in your neighborhood who had a pool because you wanted to go swimming. I was friends with the dude because he had a fucking odyssey. I wanted to be around this off-road vehicle. You know, I'd be there feeling kind of dirty about it. Those dynamics happen. It's part of it. Yeah, it's part of society. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:05:00The most popular kids are not necessarily the ones with famous parents or like rich parents or anything. I think personality and cool factor is real. Whoever your parents are. That's what I want them to know. You can't ride on this shit. You have to be a rad friend. You have to be funny. You have to be attentive. Like, that's what I want them to know. Don't skate on this. Right. I always find myself over explaining stuff like when they get to experience something through his work or they get to come to the show. Like, this is so cool. I said, yes. And your friends, parents also work very hard.

1:05:33And just because they're not on TV doesn't mean their jobs are less meaningful. And Jimmy is just rolling his eyes at me. Like, I go way over the top. I'm like, there are nurses who work just as hard and they can't afford to have a pool in their yard. But that doesn't make them less special. No, I joined in with you on that.

1:05:49Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah, it's true, though. Yeah. I think first class is a tricky one, though. Yeah. Yeah. Because like going back from first class, that's tough. Yeah. If you're used to it. Your first class was Delta's plus one, remember? Yeah. The first time I flew first class, I was a three-year-old's plus one. Awesome. And it was amazing. I was like, I feel like Richard. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I'm Julia Roberts right now. Yeah, but what do you do? You go in first class and you put your kids in the back. I know, exactly. You can. I've heard of people doing that before. It seems admirable, but I'm not willing to do it.

1:06:24It's hard enough to get them to sit down in first class. I don't want to be fucking with them in the back of the airplane.

1:06:29Jimmy Kimmel:It seems kind of terrible to me. Either we're all in coach or we're all in first class. We fly Southwest like twice a year just to let them know what's happening. I want to talk about retirement. You and I end up always talking about it when we're in Idaho. Yeah, I know, right? I know we're going to talk about it this year, too. Time of year. And I guess I want to know, Molly, first, like, what do you think about the notion of retirement? It definitely appeals to me for the nervous system of the household. But I feel like Jimmy has like a fly rod in one hand and like a torch in the other right now.

1:07:03It's like he deserves to go out there and just be on the river and relax. But I also want him to keep fighting. and I feel this sense of desire to not quit because I think what he's doing is incredibly important right now. And yes, I know we're doing it into a vacuum, but I think it's giving people a feeling of like their voice is heard and I think it's important. But as his wife, I really would like him to be able to not do this show anymore so he could relax. But what about you? Yeah, what about you? Me, I'm good either way. I would be happy to be done with the show end it in a great way and do my own next thing.

1:07:40But I do care deeply about that show and the people who work there. And I think the voice is really important right now. And do you have a fear that if you guys did wrap it up in the most beautiful way and you got it exactly as you wanted, do you have this simmering fear that you'll two years later, you're like, wait, why did we stop doing this thing? Is that in the equation? Yeah, I do.

1:08:00Jimmy Kimmel:I have that. Because I know people who've been in that situation. It's funny, people make a big show of like, I'm done and I'm tired doing this. And then they make a lesser comeback trying to do the same thing. That's always a bummer. And I always look at that and go, oh, is that going to be me? I do look forward to that moment, like when the kids leave for school and then it's like coffee and open the computer and digesting all the news of the day and like having a purpose with it that I will definitely miss. Reading at leisure sounds nice, but I also like reading with a purpose. Like I'm going to read this and then figure out the angle on it.

1:08:34I like that feeling and I will miss that. Do you have enough hobbies that you think you'll be entertained? No. And I need to work on that. I started learning piano, trying to learn things, but no, I look forward to that. I do. He has a lot of hobbies. It's really tricky to evaluate it because part of me is like, I've done show business for a very long time. Like how long did I need to do show business? A. B. I'm afraid of letting it all go because it was so hard to get. And then that is what makes me horny for it because I'm afraid of it. It's how I felt when I was in Detroit and was like, we're going to go to California.

1:09:11We don't know what's out there. Probably failure. We must try this. The actual fear of it is what really motivates. It feels like, oh, there's a challenge in front of me. Can I let go of all this? Can I have a different chapter that has nothing to do with any of this and feel valuable without being productive. Like, it feels like a lot of life challenges. Do you ever think to yourself,

1:09:33Jimmy Kimmel:how would I explain this to me at 25 years old, just giving up, just letting it go? I know that 25-year-old me would be like, are you crazy? Right. Keep going. 25-year-old me too, but also 25-year-old me was in a blackout five days a week. Right, right. I have no interest in what 25-year-old Dax thinks I should be doing. 25-year-old me would have just been so excited to work at a place that had a snack table that was free. Yeah. Yeah. You know. That would have been just like, wow. Or a gas card if they like gave you free fuel or something. I would have kept any job. 22 cents a mile or something?

1:10:10Jimmy Kimmel:Forget about it. Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about retirement? Sorry, I'm not trying to do your job. No, do my job. I'm just like, I'm curious. Like, he gets asked this a lot, but I feel like it changes. I mean, it depends on what you mean by retirement. I'm never going to stop doing things. No. So it's just a different scenario. That's the thing on the eye left. I know, but yeah, my makeup coming off. When I eat garlic, my eyebrows start flaking immediately. Is it an allergy you have? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. It's pretty immediate. Yeah. I just, I'll get red. I don't know if something got in my eye.

1:10:43Do you think, Molly, though, that you will do another job? Yes. That makes, that like, yeah, hopefully that makes it.

1:10:50Jimmy Kimmel:makes money that probably makes money molly's always wanted to open a karate studio oh my god oh i think a lot of us have wanted her to open a karate studio well when dax retires i'll join she has to learn karate yeah i'll do that first that part's easy yeah no i'm definitely excited to like write something and do my next thing but i also want to ride this as long as we can and then do my own thing what if you opened a karate studio to learn karate Oh, I like that. That would be like a very novel approach to learning karate. Like you wanted to have your own mat or whatever the fuck you have in karate.

1:11:23I like that.

1:11:25Jimmy Kimmel:Really all I need is positive affirmation. I need somebody to look at whatever I've done and go, oh, that's great. And then I'll be happy. Jimmy recently painted a sweatshirt for me. You'll see it in Idaho. Hand painted this sweatshirt. It was how many days of work? Not that many. Several. So modest. But just this beautiful scene of Idaho on a sweatshirt. I love it so much. It's like my prized possession. But he can't. Can't stop when I get started. He can't stop. And also, like, are your hobbies, are you able to enjoy them? Or are you sitting there going, I should be doing something that earns money?

1:12:01No, I can enjoy the shit out of my hobbies. If anything, I feel very guilty I'm not doing some of my hobbies. Like, I haven't been to the sand dunes in two seasons. That actually makes me mad at myself. Like, why are we here? If we have the ability to do this thing, you've always like that drives me nuts. I'll get critical. I do sometimes wonder, like, if you could know this is how much time you have left. Are we wasting it on stuff we shouldn't be doing? You know, it's just interesting. I didn't grow up again. Talk about how we grew up. I never met anyone who had the option to retire. I never met anyone that was fine and took on another challenge and became a different human being.

1:12:36I knew you work until your body quits. And then you go to Florida and you drink and then you play golf. And then you're dead in like, I don't know, 12 years.

1:12:44Jimmy Kimmel:You hurt your hip and you're gone. Yeah. Same here. Everyone I know who has or can do that is someone I met in the last 20 years. Yeah. Right. And you don't know if you trust him. Yeah. There's some guilt with that too. Like my dad just retired. He's 72. And yeah, to be like, I'm done now at 52. Yeah. Feels like. It feels irresponsible. Rude or something. I think people will hate me over it. You're not allowed to do that. Yeah. He's lazy. It does. It feels un-American. It does. Like, I know people will hate me over that if I retire in my 50s. Yeah. But part of me is like, oh, there's this great challenge.

1:13:21I'm afraid to know who I am without being productive and spectacular. And I want to take on that challenge. I love that. I don't know how you guys think of legacy. I doubt you think about it. I certainly don't. But I just have to say your guys' legacy, from the bottom of my heart, it's so unique. There's about 30 kids that come to Idaho every summer. And I promise you, if you ask these kids when they're adults the best weeks of their entire life, that is this thing you guys created, this environment and this vibe and the way it's put together. and for the 30 adults are we in the seventh year six years seven yeah i think six getting long yeah every year we debate it when we're there i know we never remember sincerely from the bottom of my heart and i have had a spectacular charm life and everyone that goes to this thing has had a spectacular charm life it is among my favorite weeks of my entire life that you guys have given me and 30 other families and it's so special that's a weird art to be able to do that

1:14:23Jimmy Kimmel:it's very much your legacy it's very kind of you to say but for us we feel the same way so for us we feel like we're a part of that and we do it because we love it we know our kids feel that way and we do it with our family also each year we do the same thing and we just remember like molly always talks about her time going to lake michigan with her family we never really had anything like that. But those memories are so intense and special and important in your life, I think. And also just they mark time in a lot of ways. And so I'm big on that. I think it's important to have family Christmas Eve and the traditions and to do it properly because I love watching these kids running wild.

1:15:10They turn into teenagers. Some of the boys now have muscles. It's so fun. It's like, I love seeing how everyone's growing up. It's so special. We're just so grateful. I don't know that we can relate to you how special it is. You guys have done a really good job of communicating. You were not as good at texting us after we were canceled. You've done an amazing job of communicating that. And it also brings us such joy to do it and to have people who love it. And I think we've curated a really great group of people there. And I'm so grateful you guys keep loving it and coming.

1:15:44Jimmy Kimmel:I love being around people who are having a lot of fun. Yes. That's why I love going to Las Vegas. And I try to explain to Molly, she's like, what? I was like, look at how much fun everyone's having here. It's infectious, contagious, you know? It is. Certain things that you just go like, oh yeah, everybody. And that for me, going to that fishing lodge, being around everybody, it's just energy that feeds me in some way. Yeah, I think after the year that we've had, I feel like that is just something we are craving. It's just being around a bunch of people we love who just are feeling joyful. You know, I had that observation.

1:16:20We had a friend who was doing a show for us and it was called Flightless Bird. And he's a Kiwi and he's confused by a lot of the American things. So he does this whole episode on Disneyland and Disney adults. And it finishes and I go, but obviously you went to Disneyland for this story, right? And he's like, no. I go, we're not putting this fucking story out until we go to Disneyland. So the four of us went to Disneyland and it was on that trip. I realized like, oh, the reason Disneyland is the most incredible place on the planet, aside from the park, which is amazing, is it's the only place you'll ever go in your life where everyone that's there, all present, decided this was going to be a spectacular day.

1:16:56The best day of their life. And there's really no place you can step into where that vibe is alive. It goes to hell by 4 p.m. All the kids have gotten cranky. No one's having that. But man, those first four hours at Disneyland, it's like everyone here is optimistic and is going to have the best day of their life. That's nice.

1:17:12Jimmy Kimmel:Like a flight to Hawaii is like that too, right? Like everybody, you know, like people have saved up and this is it. And they got the whole week ahead. And there's that moment where you walk into the hotel and the other people are walking out and you look at them and you go, you poor bastard. And then I think to myself at that moment, I go, oh, I'm going to be that guy walking out. And then I am that guy walking out and I see the people walking in and I'm like, God damn it. I'm going back to work. That's the one pleasure you were denied by growing up in Vegas. there's no starker difference between a flight to vegas and a flight home on spirit airlines from detroit where your fucking ticket was 115 the ride there everyone's drinking having a great time on the right oh everyone i will tell you how i relate to it how i relate to it is the drive home when the sun is coming up in las vegas when you're headed home after a night and you see people like running and you're like, oh, I just feel like a piece of shit.

1:18:10Yeah.

1:18:11Jimmy Kimmel:These people are up for the day. I haven't even gone to bed yet. That was my number one grievance about being a cocaine addict is I was constantly coming home on San Vicente Boulevard in Santa Monica and the whole town is running in the morning. I'm like, I got to figure out how to go to sleep. And Saturday's gone. I'll see you guys Sunday evening. Well, I love you two so much. I'm so lucky. Thank you for letting me invite us here. This is so funny. You're welcome for coming on. You don't even need a booker anymore. Just send out mildly text. Just check in on people. Just check in on your friends and they'll show up.

1:18:50I got to figure out what Brad Pitt's doing more. So they're appropriate. Yeah, I love you, Molly and Jimmy. And I'm so grateful that we have you in our life. And thanks for coming in. And everyone watching Jimmy Come Alive. And I don't know whatever thing you're going to host this year, I guess. All right. Love you guys. Love you. You guys are the best. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. How was your MP dinner party? It was good. It was good? Yeah. I made a new recipe. A new chicken item, right?

1:19:26Yeah. So I was listening to a New York Times. No, I'm sorry. A New Yorker podcast. Okay. It's called Critics at Large. I very much like it. Uh-huh. And. You don't like it very much. You very much like it. Correct. In that order. Yeah. And they are doing some series and they were talking about cult classics. And she was talking to a cook lady.

1:19:54Jimmy Kimmel:Uh-huh. Someone who knows cooking. And they were talking about cult classics. And they said she recommended this cookbook, Zuni Cafe. Okay. What's Zuni Cafe? I guess it's a popular cafe or was maybe in San Francisco. Okay. And there's a cookbook. And she was saying she made one of the recipes, a chicken, a roast chicken with a bread salad. Bread salad. So I ordered it. So stuffing? No, but like. I mean, you could call. Yeah. You could call stuffing bread salad. Bread salad classically is called panzanella. Oh, my gosh. You know so much about cooking. I do. I do. I know a lot. I actually thought that the other day.

1:20:35Did you have a moment where you're like, man, I know a lot about cooking. Sure. I mean, this is what happens when you watch so many videos. You don't know you're learning. Yeah, yeah. But then someone will say something and you'll know the answer. Can you earmark that? Because I want to ask if you made a certain thing recently, but continue. Okay. Okay. So then it sounded so good to me. I couldn't get out of my head. I went to an actual bookstore. They didn't have it. Really quick. Is the Zuni Cafe cookbook from like the 70s or something? Yeah, it's from a while ago. No, not that long. But you're not sure what decade.

1:21:09Yeah. Yeah. So then I ordered it. The cookbook? Yep. Came right away. You know, this is what's frustrating. I'm trying to support local biz. And like, they just don't have what I need. Yeah, that was the origin of Amazon was books. I know. You know that? That was what it originally was, rare books. Well, the irony, you know, it's like I go into this weekend, I go into Barnes and Noble to look for a Zuni Cafe cookbook because that's at this point a small business. Right. A small bookstore. Anyway, they didn't have it. Remember when Barnes and Noble's and Borders were around? People were so mad about those.

1:21:44That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Is it just the nature of life evolving, isn't it? You know, one of my favorite movies of all time, You've Got Mail. Yeah. That's the whole premise of that movie is that basically Barnes and Noble comes in and takes over this little baby bookstore. It sounds so quaint now. I know. Yeah, yeah. You know, sometimes the villains become the victims. And as unimaginable as it is, someday someone will take over Amazon and they'll go, oh, remember Amazon. I wonder how old we'll be when that happens. Good question. Dead? Probably dead. Although the breakthrough is an anti-aging.

1:22:21Who knows? Maybe that'll even be the reason Amazon is replaced. Oh, you're right. Interesting. Wow. It's all tied together. Anyway. Okay. So I couldn't get that out of my head. So I was like, I'm going to make that. So I did. I made a roast chicken. Now, this was a dry brine roast chicken. That means it had to sit in the fridge for 24 hours beforehand. I'd really think things through. And then the bread salad had I had to change up some of the ingredients because I didn't have currants. I had to use dried cranberries.

1:22:54Jimmy Kimmel:Yeah. And I used arugula instead of I forget the other thing I was supposed to use lettuce wise. but it was very good I also made a peach and burrata I feel so guilty but I want to be really honest with you you don't know what currents are? no I never do it but you know when I talk about automotive stuff and I see oh god she's gone and you admit to it like you can only do I don't even know a sentence of automotive and then you're out to sea and I went a little out to sea for a second that's fine yeah I just wanted to own it like oh okay this is what it feels like sure I mean okay so I wonder Maybe like the third ingredient or something.

1:23:31It's just like I started thinking of my road trip to Florida and how it was a tropical storm. It doesn't make your mouth water when you're hearing like bread salad and roast chicken and dry brine. No, especially not the dried brine. Even though I like, I think it's interesting. It's called a dry brine if you're doing chicken, but we call that a dry rub when you're doing steak. You know, us barbecuers. Yeah, sure. And Brian, for me, really just sounds like seawater. No. Well, it's salt. That is the point of it. That's just very interesting because when I hear people talking about food, I get like aroused.

1:24:09Same. If someone's talking about a new valve train system and an overhead cam that might have reduced friction. That it could rev to 9 ,000 RPMs. I'm like, what? 9 ,000 RPMs? It's interesting. It's really interesting. It's the nature of interest, I think. Yeah. What about peach and tomato, heirloom tomato and burrata? Does that sound nice? I mean, here's what. Did you go? Things taste nice. And when I look at them, I'm very hungry for them. And I'm excited if I'm looking at it. But no, just thinking about a laundry. Because all you're doing is walking me through a grocery store right now, which is not stimulating for me.

1:24:43Well, I actually hate going to the grocery store. So I can't relate to that. And I'm actually offended that you said what I did was that. But I feel like what you just said doesn't hold because the thought of those things, aren't you walking through the produce thing going, ooh, oh, given the fact that just hearing the word tomato makes you excited, you said? Well, heirloom tomato, peach and burrata salad, the whole thing, not necessarily just one ingredient. What I don't like about the grocery store, one, it's freezing in there. I hate it. Way too cold. My favorite part. By the way, I love the grocery store.

1:25:18I don't want to paint a picture. I especially love going to Kroger in Mount Juliet, Tennessee, because it's like the Kroger growing up for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because here grocery stores are limited space. They do what they can. That's right. But, man, you go into those Kroger's, you could have, like, seven, eight people all pushing carts in the aisle next to each other, and they wouldn't be bumping into each other. And I get in there, and I'm like, let's play. Okay. And it's acres of food. There's so much food. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The other thing I don't like about it is that like it's too if you're it's too vast.

1:25:51Like there's too much to look at. I get I don't know where anything is. Decision anxiety. I just don't know where anything. And then sometimes I feel like, should I ask or I and then nothing's made yet. So it's possibility. But it's not hopeful. Like, you know, it's the just the green bean, but it's not the made. It's not the cooked green beans. Unless they've got the bar. I don't. Like. Germ wise, that's not for me. What's our guy here? Lazy Acres. Lazy Acres. Yeah. They've got a medley of yummy different. I once took Delta to Lazy Acres and she got. Oh, the only. She got so much mashed potatoes.

1:26:29And I said, can you get a little bit of green? She got like one piece of broccoli. Good for her. So anyway, I was very happy with the dinner. It was a great party menu. Okay. Party menu. Okay. And people were happy with it. Okay, great. Was it a Moyes chicken? Did it come on Moyes? That's really all I care about. Because of the dry brine. Because of that dry brine. And you know what else I had to do? What? Stuff garlic and thyme under the skin. That was hard. You had to separate the skin from the meat and slide it in there? Yeah, I actually don't know if I did that part right. Okay. But it tasted great.

1:27:02Oh, great. Well, I wish I would have had a bite. Sounds delish. I can make it for you. You do have to crank that oven to 500. Let's go. Flore it. And, you know, your smoke alarm is going to go off, as it did for me. It did. It did, even with my new circumstance. That means you've already had stuff drip at the bottom? It's just smoky because it's so hot. Are you sure there's nothing in there burning? I'm sure. Is this the pain of smoking or something? No, it's just like it gets so hot. It gets so hot it produces smoke. So a lot going on. By the way, this is a crazy update. So I went for a walk.

1:27:43I'm trying to do a new thing where I walk after dinner. Wait. What? I'm trying to do that. Can we go together? Sure. Absolutely. I mean, the odds of us having eaten at the same time seem a little. Let's hope for the best. But yes, yes, yes. OK. OK. which if we're going to plan it means you're going to have to wait to the madness decides when they're eating that's fine okay great it'll give you a heads up yeah yeah i've been really this has been a thing but i'm scared by myself because the coyotes okay and i just want to give the virtues of it and what did why it occurred to me now i've already heard this right that exercise 15 to 20 minutes exercise after you eat really helps the spike in your insulin yes and it's just not great to spike your insulin so um your glucose your insulin whatever both and uh the other thing that happened was when we went to Europe obviously every time you eat when you're on vacation in Europe you walk back to your hotel it's my favorite part it's the best part and I I went hog wild uh you know I ate like a mother I ate as much as I could every time I ate I was exercising in the gym, but also just all the walking.

1:28:55The point is, is I came home a little lighter than I left and I had eaten probably 1.5 X what I normally eat, maybe even twice as much. Definitely me too. And I didn't do any lifting. Okay. Yeah. And you come home kind of, and I was like, it's not just the miles. Cause if I do walk the miles, I'm like, it really is that I walk after every meal. If you have lunch, you then walk home from the lunch. So tried to do it in Nashville a bit we were pretty hit or miss but I did I did persuade often large groups of people that were visiting to join me on these walks and a lot of them were quite fun yeah so any rate I went for a walk two nights ago after I ate a particularly heavy meal like I gotta do a zipper on the neighborhood and I noticed that the entire street is cut up and that people can't park in front of their houses and I said to uh Chris and I go man they just can't get the fucking uh sewage pipes right in this neighborhood because since we've been here they've dug up the streets like i want to say four or five times and always for sewer mains they can't get the poop out of this neighborhood so i was like here we go again this fucking these damn sewers and then today i get a text from our sweet neighbor jay it's like hey bro someone in a dump truck just smashed into your fence right he texted you that he saw it happen okay and then you sent me a screen grab of someone saying hey Monica we just bumped into Dax and Kristen's fence don't worry we'll fix it and then you forward it to me and then I said to you why did someone send that to you yeah and you said because it was because it's me it was me basically it was me who hit not me but my people who hit right and then come to find out all that street cutting up is you yes did you have to pay for that?

1:30:42That's the power thing I told you about. Yes. Oh my God, Monica. I am so sorry. It's horrifying. I'm so sorry. It's really bad. What a bummer. Yeah. You're paying for a major, major construction project where they have cut up the street for like a quarter mile. We're digging a trench through Laughlin Park to get to Los Feliz Boulevard. That's what's happening. Oh boy. I guess here's a great place to air an enormous grievance with the city I do love, but my God, this has been a disaster. It should not, we should not, there's a way to get okay, basically I only have a hundred amps of power for my house.

1:31:24That's not going to do it. It is definitely not going to do it. As Bill said, he gave a great analogy, he said you have a Ferrari running on a hamster wheel. Okay. You don't like that analogy. What is not to like about that? Well, tell me why that's the same. Because I have a house that's this beautiful, nice. I thought he was going to say you have a Ferrari with a half-gallon fuel tank. That kind of makes sense, which is basically you're not going to be able to fuel this vehicle. But now Ferrari and the hamster wheel, it's a huge hamster wheel if the Ferrari fits on it. No, that's the whole point is it's not.

1:32:03It can't. Okay, it can't. Okay, I love Bill. It's a good analogy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I'm really sorry. So, um, so you know what is a great analogy? You have a house that requires probably 250 amps and you only have a hundred amps. That's a great analogy. That's just regular word. I'm just saying it doesn't even really require an analogy. Okay. So I have a hundred amps and I need more and there's a much closer, easier way to get it. Should have been a not, this should have been a non-issue. and we went to the city we said we need to do this they said no on what grounds exactly okay exactly okay and so bill was back and forth with them forever on this and just what do you mean no it's right there yeah crazy um and they said no and so we have to do this insane i'm so sorry but oh my god is this another mean thing about bill no okay great i kind of would want to sue the city oh i know i do kind of well wait till you hear this okay okay so now we're doing this crazy construction no guys it's like when i saw what was going i thought for sure l-a-d-w-p whatever water and power was was in charge of this well he told me yesterday he said you know he looked in it's a trench it's a huge open trench outside my house and other people's houses unfortunately um and you know we have to close that all up we have to we have to do the whole thing yeah anyway he looked down and the city had added their own yes on the shoulders of your dig oh you got it so he said he said he's gonna talk to them obviously and he's gonna tell them if that is used by any anyone else we need to be compensated for that so anyway yes i'm the one ruining the neighborhood i hate it the email email went out you must have missed it email went out um and by mike who runs the neighborhood yeah yeah and he you know two emails one when this was starting to today because literally a section today i think maybe for another hour is completely blocked well i ran into issues today dropping delta at school coming back because of traffic going in the entrance and trying to come by your house to come to my house and you know it's all completely blocked off and then I had to go around down yeah yeah yeah that's just today it's just for another hour but anyway it's a disaster and um yeah I'm getting a lawyer over this if they could have let you do it I know and then they threw their own pipe down yeah it's bad It's really bad.

1:34:50Anyway, so, yeah, and it's hard. I hate being like this crazy inconvenience for everyone. Oh, I wouldn't be sweating that. I've been here for a long time. These roads have been dug up a bunch of times. But holy smokes, I had no idea that was your project. Yeah. I'm so sorry. It's really, really wild. The amount of money to replace this, to run power to fucking Los Feliz Boulevard, you could have gotten something absolutely elaborate or ornate and beautiful and whatever more than i mean i could buy another house essentially oh man dude it's horrible that really sucks i'm sorry it just it extra it's more of a justice thing than a money thing because i didn't it didn't need to happen this way yeah and it's did you consider i'd have been like cool city of la i'll be running a fucking diesel generator in my backyard my dad of course was like trying to figure out all these ways to get around your own power yes be off grid ultimately this is the way and i'm gonna have 400 like was there was there you're gonna have about 400 amps oh i put my welding shop in your backyard exactly um was there any talk of doing like an insane amount of solar panels and then having a big bank of energy to pull from when the sun's down to offset there was the generator there was the solar panels there was all of the things ultimately that really made sense um and because in a weird way i feel like with the amount of money you spent to go get power from los fios boulevard you could have become completely off grid i know it's hard though because it's like it's not as reliable there's a million reasons but it like also very hard to get that from the city too you have to get all these permits to solar and i mean i think so that well i think so because bill mar was famously complaining about that non-stop yes um so anyway listen um that's what's happening i've ripped up the entire street it's also scary i could fall in yeah anyway um okay i have a question oh great guess what i love answering questions.

1:37:10Now, this is a dirty question. Oh, those are my favorite kind. Now, when you hear the word cookie in regards to something sexual. Someone's pussy. Okay. That's what, that's what you hear, right? Yeah. That's what I hear people say. I've never referred to a vagina as a cookie. I don't like it personally, but I've heard people say their cookie okay yeah because i was i was with jess obviously for sure i mean obviously the story includes him because he's he thought a cookie was a boob oh he's and then he kept saying the chips are the areola is there well that would mean the areola it's how many areolas yeah also the only cookie that would make sense is you know those shortbread cookies with a 100%.

1:38:04That would work if that was the only kind of cookie that existed. I think that's the one he is thinking of in this scenario. Okay, because chocolate chips, like, well, the areola is fragmented everywhere. Yes. Splashed. And I said, no, my God, no. It's a vagina. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, wait. Then I started to get in my head, is it? Because he felt pretty strongly that it was a boob. And he kept saying, no, it's a boob. And why wouldn't them be called cookies? Listen, I know. Yeah. I gave a lot of reasons why there's no way it was. But then I got in my head and then when we looked it up, there really wasn't like that much corroboration on either one.

1:38:49And then someone said, but. OK, well, someone might call their butt their cookie. Yeah, they might. But that's kind of cute. Like if you're into butt stuff and you're like, show me your she was he was in my cookie. Yeah. That's kind of, it's a cute way to, I mean, it definitely destigmatizes it. I know, but it's too cute. Cookie boy. Cookie boys are into anal. That's a lot of boys, I think. A lot of boys are cookie boys. Anyway, I agree that I thought it was a vagina. Yeah. And I'm glad to hear that was your first thought too. Rob? Yeah. Oh, he has a question mark. Rob has this. He's such a patented yeah.

1:39:38Yeah, it's very specific. You know what it means. Like I could be blindfolded. Like they do this thing to the Formula One drivers. It's so impressive. They play audio of just engine noise of the car. And they say, what track are you at? And they can tell within like 12 seconds. Oh, turn six, going into turn eight at Silverstone. It's like a sommelier. Yes, yes. And when I could hear a symphony of noise. And if I heard that, yeah, I would say that's Rob's maybe. Yeah. 100%. That's Rob kind of wanting to agree, but not knowing that if he agrees. It's the people pleaser in him. Yeah. So what did you think it was?

1:40:13Maybe. A boob? No. I mean, it's a thing you eat. Well, obviously. Wow, he took a real sexy direction. He's such a rascal back there. I guess it could be either one then. Your pants on back there? I just don't normally associate it with vagina. yeah okay well right my go-to when i hear cookie would you be more inclined to say it was a butt no i mean i i would say vagina if it's what body part those are the if you had to pick one abc yeah multiple choice anyway okay well weigh in listeners if you want um if anyone has ever thought it was a boob stop just stop yeah yeah don't do that don't do that you think it's a boob stop thinking it's a boob.

1:41:00Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:41:13Also. Okay. Speaking of, God, I hate to do this to her because it's just so, she's so sweet and nice. Okay. But this is for Jimmy and Molly. Oh, okay. Yeah. And. We could have been a little cleaner. Well, no. I mean, she said in their meet cute story, which was so cute, you know, in the writer's room, they had just they were going around and saying their five favorite foods. And one of hers is chocolate chip cookie. Mine, too, by the way. Yeah. The actual food. You're right. Yeah. Chocolate cookie. Does that mean brown girl vagina? I mean, it does. Chocolate chip. Chocolate chip. I know. I left chip out because then.

1:41:55and there's no such a chocolate cookie oreo cookies are chocolate cookies but then they just have white on the inside okay let's move on let's let's move on out of respect for the kimmels

1:42:12okay well listen has oreo ever made a pink filling cookie they have a bazillion flavors back to Kroger. One of my great joys is summertime is Oreo time for us. It's Dairy Queen and Oreo time. And basically each night is either like are we doing Oreos or are we doing Dairy Queen? So I found myself at Kroger's loading up on Oreos and by God are there a lot of flavors now. I know. I used to be very partial to the spring one. It was before they had all these different kinds. It was like one of their first and it was like kind of like blue Blueish green, like kind of like a minty color. A mint, like a refreshing cookie.

1:42:54Yeah, but it's like before you kiss somebody quickly, have one of these cookies. It wasn't mint flavor. It was just mint color. Oh, OK. Anyway. Yeah, they probably do for Valentine's Day. They probably have pink inside. Oh, see. Strawberry Oreos. Brown girl. Chocolate pink cookie. Brown girl. Fucking looks great. It's a little. Yeah. Yeah. If Oreo doesn't sponsor us after this, I don't know what they're doing. I doubt they need to like, right? Well, I don't know. It's like the Savannah Bananas. I learned this weekend that they've never spent a dollar on marketing. I know. They don't need to. They don't.

1:43:31They put on such a good show that they don't need any marketing. And their waitlist is five years. Yeah. It's crazy. Five million tickets on the waitlist. So cool. But I wanted to ask you what your five, what your five foods are. Okay. And I'll just caveat. I can't eat these foods, but these are my five. Okay. The tropicalia chicken with the super garlicky chimichurra. That meal with the, with the, with the, also the farlofa, the, the ground Brazilian flour thing. It was like a little bit of crunchy. I called it the churry, the slurry or the, uh, uh, yeah, the slurry. It's gone now. That place is closed.

1:44:05It's gone. And I, I couldn't eat it anymore. The last few years it was there because of the garlic sitch. then I would probably have to say my spaghetti I know that's arrogant but my own spaghetti macaroni and cheese Kraft two packets of cheese my mom's meatballs that she makes for me for my birthday and then maybe maybe she done a shingle slash dosi joe slash hanky pankies wow okay They get called different names all over the place, but half spicy Jimmy Dean sausage, half ground beef, high fat, everything, whole block of Velveeta cheese mixed all together, garlic salt on the little tiny rye hors d 'oeuvre breads.

1:44:54Yeah. Put in the oven. Yikes. So good. Your five go. Wow. You really rattled them like she rattled them. I'm not that good at that. I don't think I'm there. Okay. Could you put a couple on the list? I mean, hers were kind of like good because they were they were not specific. It wasn't like this burger from this restaurant because that really requires a lot for me. So I have to, you know, so I think I'll do more her style, which would be like a bolognese.

1:45:27Pizza. I know. No, probably if I had to choose, like I'm going. Bolognese. bean and cheese burrito probably are you fucking kidding me right now get out of here I love bean and cheese burritos are you upset because you don't know me like is that what you're learning well I'm about to make a criticism that would also expose me as being a very big hypocrite because really macaroni and cheese is what is it it's noodles and cheese but it's just like bean and what did you say bean so i mean come on you're good bean and cheese burritos they're good we used to get them remember from that place i'd also closed i think remember we used to order them a lot oh yeah it was like a it was like a truck inside of a store on sunset called like cali burritos yeah it was so good so good not as good as california baja california tacos though my new do they have your bean and cheese burrito i haven't had it because they have hard shell tacos.

1:46:33Anytime there's hard shell tacos. So you're you need to replace. I might have to swap something out. See it's hard but anyway I'm going bolognese peanut cheese burrito. White slice of bread. I'm going banana and I'm going white rice. No this is because hers were crab claws. Crab claws? I wrote it down. What did she say? She said Yeah, it's if, okay, it's if you could only have five foods for the rest of your life. Fuck, I left off ribeye. Go ahead. See? Okay, if you'd only have five foods for the rest of your life. So it's not just like your last meal. Right. It's you're on an island. You're going to have these five items to choose from.

1:47:19You better love them. Okay, hers was pizza, gnocchi, crab claws, BLT, chocolate chip cookies. Great list, I think. BLT, man. That's a solid sandwich. When you get the perfect BLT. I'm actually really proud of myself for putting bean and cheese burrito on my list. I'm really proud of myself. Okay. Listen. Okay. Bolognese. Yes. Bean and cheese burrito. I'm also going chocolate chip cookie. Okay. I'm going soft hot. I'm going. You have two left. No. Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. What am I talking about? Of course, cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Oh, I love cheeseburgers. And by the way, I love so many of them.

1:48:04Like when I'm saying, that's a little bit my issue with the bean and cheese burrito. It's like they can be fantastic. They can also be microwaved and taste like a fucking shoe sole. Oh, you've never had a bad one? Okay. Bean and cheese? That's like saying I've never had bad pizza. That makes sense. Yeah. But I can name like 65 places I like to eat the hamburger. You know, so dependable. Probably the most dependable offering out there. Okay. Well, that's four. And I reserve the right to add the fifth later on. OK, great. Yeah. Sleep on it. But wow, you really went fast and you messed up. So just.

1:48:36Haste makes waste. Now, if. I stand by the first five, though. Well, you only have five. I know. OK. Well, if I was. Like, even when we said cheeseburger, I can't then think of one of the five I mentioned that I'm going to replace. Really? I'm not going to ruin my spaghetti. Yeah. I'm not getting rid of hanky panky shit on a shingle, do-si-dos. Okay. I am not getting rid of. Macaroni and cheese, Kraft macaroni and cheese, I'm never getting rid of. You're not? These aren't necessarily. Pizza, I'm never getting rid of. I don't think you said. I did. Oh, you did? Okay. I hope. That's number one. No, you said your mom's meatballs.

1:49:15Yeah, mom's spaghetti, throwing up mom's spaghetti. I said mom's meatballs, your bolognese, macaroni and cheese. Like chicken, garlic chicken thing. Oh, from Topicali, but I said I can't eat it. Yeah, but you said it. I just said I would have. It was number one, though. It was number one. Oh, this was if I can't eat it. Yeah. Yeah. And the macaroni. And the macaroni cheese. I'm all scrambled. Okay. You've made mistakes. I've made a mess of it. I need you to just think about it because, you know, maybe for your birthday, somebody can make all your items. Yeah. Because no one's going to have meet cute with you since you're already married, so it has to be for your birthday.

1:49:49Yeah. And then I'm just asking my wife to make me these five elaborate meals. Well, we can all do it. Oh, everyone in the pod? Yeah. bring a that would be great if i ever get a terminal diagnosis i will do that god um speaking of hold on hold on it's too good of a ding ding ding okay okay i have to put a pin earmark um the other one of the other facts is just holding a sneeze caused death of brain cells is that what molly thought might happen yes okay um it doesn't yeah it doesn't but what does happen is it traps high pressure air inside your body it increases your airway pressure up to 24 times normal levels which can damage your ears blood vessels or throat yeah everything in the system um are any of the facts that you get to that you just look at and you go yeah no like you don't even look it up like for that one i would just gone oh it doesn't damage your brain let's next one no i i have integrity my god because i don't think i know everything what if someone says water boils at 208 well i'd be like what if in some circumstances it does i'm gonna look well at certain elevations that could be okay sorry what what if someone says uh water on earth boils at 100 degrees fahrenheit you know nope don't need to look that up like what but you just don't know you'll check oh wow okay that's why that's why i'm good at this yeah yeah i'm gonna know it all i do think i could be wrong about anything yeah any of us could i guess yeah yeah not for me when water boils or freezes like there's some there's some like i guess if someone said this isn't blue well that's very subjective there's no such thing as blue oh let's not do that but there isn't there's just that's how our three cones combine those wavelengths so it's not objectively blue but anyways okay what is your earmark uh savannah bananas okay yeah i want to tell you this story because it was such a wonderful time and it's gonna involve a brag but i hope you'll be happy for me okay so okay so we go to the savannah bananas game in denver colorado and we bring Erica and Ace and Wilder, our friends.

1:52:11Some friends, yeah. And the two little boys play baseball. Yes. Not only did the two little boys play baseball, one of the little boys also is the most incredible street dancer you've ever seen, right? His whole life is baseball and hip hop dancing. Yeah. And he's incredible. He is. And he will not dance for any of us. We just get to see the clips occasionally on Instagram. So we all have to go to the Colorado Rockies arena, a stadium, so that Kristen can learn the song and the dance routine and the whole nine yards. So we've got a couple of hours hanging on the baseball field. It's so neat. It is.

1:52:45It's so neat. It's such a special feeling to be able to, because you've just looked at it your whole life. So anytime you get to be out there on it, it just always feels neat. Yeah. I'm playing with the catch with the girls, my daughters and Asin Wilder and having a good time. And then a guy comes up, one of the players, and he's got this sweet mustache and a mullet. He looks just like Dana McBride. Oh, amazing. Yes, he looks awesome. Yeah. I immediately like him as he's walking up. And he's smiling really big, and he's just like, man, I grew up on without a paddle and Zathura. And he just starts, Employee of the Month's my favorite.

1:53:20And he starts doing lines to me. And I'm like, oh, this is so lovely. Yeah. Right? And then another guy comes up and another guy. and Monica if I didn't have video evidence of this I wouldn't expect you to blame me but for the full two hours we were there while she was rehearsing I had an enormous group of these young dudes around me that wanted to meet me okay and they all had these favorite lines and stuff from things I did it's been a very long time since something like this happened it was so funny that like all everyone on Kristen's team like hair and makeup and then on everyone was like what's happening with Dex the whole stadium's over in the they were filming it Lincoln was laughing so hard she's like what's why is dad so popular here right now it was such a I got celebrated in a way I never have and it was so fun I loved every one of these guys they were so fun to talk to it was a sweet sweet two hours now did you plug this show did you say you know you guys if you love me i'll tell you one thing that was quite special so of the 40 plus dudes that came up and i talked with and took pictures with in the whole nine only one guy came up he was taller than me he came up to me he said i just want you to know i've been an armchair for six years and all the other guys i shook their hands and stuff i immediately grabbed this boy and I hugged him for so long and it was such a connected beautiful hug and then when I let go he goes oh man I really needed that thank you I was like yeah that's a fucking arm cherry right there listen how old is he I think he was 30 and was he cute extremely I also think he most of those guys were married most of the guys I was meeting were I'd say the majority of them all had wives and the majority of them had all gotten married around 23.

1:55:14I kept asking like what age they are. So how much longer do you think he'll be married? Like a year or two? This guy, Monica, would be such a catch for you. DM bro who I hug. He's so handsome and tall. Oh my God. If you hear this, please on this episode, comment it was me so that I can follow you and figure all this out. He is such a fucking babe. But do they travel like nonstop? Yeah, but it would be great for you. Yes, yes, yes. I think they play 60 games a year. Wow. I think they travel from like February, March, all the way to October. Okay. And so again, it was like, it was fun because I'm, I'm getting to have like, I'm like, God, you guys are like, you know, you're two thirds of the way through.

1:55:55You've been on the road for a long, you're like, you're in the hotels and you're like, how's that going? It was very like, I was so, it was such a blast. That's so fun. And then of course, watching Kristen do that thing. So fun. Was, she's done a lot of impressive things over the years. but this one and just showing up and in a pretty quick time learning that whole thing and all the choreography and the jump and do the fucking and i had the dirty dancing moment you saw it right where they hoisted her up in the air i think it's among the most impressive little sequences she's ever had that's great and so we were just we were in the suite that they let us be in and And we're cheering like fucking crazy.

1:56:37And I just it ends and it's so impressive. And I said to the girls, can you fucking believe that woman's your mom? And which they never, you know, no one's impressed with their mom. Your mom's your mom. Your mom's your dad. Your mom's your dad. Your dad's your mom. And they both were like, no, like they really had a little moment. And it was so sweet. That's very sweet. It was lovely. Now, another thing that's impressive, karate. You said, what do they have in karate? Their own mat. They don't really have their own mat. I asked if in karate they have their own mat. Yeah, it was part of a bigger thing.

1:57:14Molly said. So it was a joke about karate. Okay. And then owning your own karate studio. And then you said, yeah, you just get it because you want your own mat or whatever they have in karate. Oh, okay. And they don't. Sounds like I was all over the map in this episode. Well, they don't have their own mats, but they use specialized training surfaces called tatami mats or interlocking foam tiles, typically one inch thick, rather than personal individual mats. That makes sense. So it's kind of one big area. Yeah. Yeah. They're going to fall and they need a lot of space for that. Oh, one thing I wanted to bring up.

1:57:52I'm reading a book. I have an advanced copy.

1:57:56Jimmy Kimmel:Oh. Fun. Yeah. Of a book called Switzy. It's by Emma Klein, who wrote The Girls and I think The Guest. A very popular author. And this new book coming out has a lot of like buzz around it. I'm about 100 pages in. It's very good. but I have to keep putting it down because the protagonist, I feel fine saying this, has dementia. Okay. And you're in his brain. Oh, wow. And it is intense, but it's also very, it's like very funny. Like it's written with humor, but it, sometimes I'm like, Oh my God. Yeah. It's scary. Using your, losing your faculties. I know. And in the book, at one point, he goes and takes this cognitive test as part of a physical.

1:58:49And they ask him to remember these three words and like they write them out. And then he can't remember them, basically. Yeah. And basic, like, since I read that every 20 minutes, I'm trying to remember those words. That you read in the book. Yes. Now it's become a test for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Rose Apple chair, Rose chair, apple. I'm pretty sure. Okay. But it's now like I'm getting kind of OCD about it. OCDP. No, OCD. No, I don't know. I'm getting weird about it. No, it kind of is OCD because again, OCD is you think you have or are something that is not in alignment with your morals and your.

1:59:36Yeah. so you you don't have dementia that's just a fact we're in a freaking uh uh alzheimer's study and we know for sure you don't take the last yeah yeah so you don't have dementia but yeah you think you do i think that's just hypochondria i don't i okay hold i don't think i do okay you just want to make sure you don't yes exactly i'm just fearful of it i'm not i don't i'm not walking around thinking I have it I just am like oh my god like that's scary and I gotta if I don't remember it what does that mean yeah can I say one thing to end the saying oh yeah Savannah bananas thing what I'm saying is thank you guys that was so sweet it made me so happy the boys yeah yeah I just want to say thank you yeah um okay so back to the well did it make you miss being like in in things no it just at times i'm like was i in things right you know did anyone see those were they for anything i grew up in an era where you repeated all the lines from fletch and the lines from all these movies that was the culture and then all the lines from wedding crashers and all the lines from the will ferrell movies and it's just like i did this for a long time and i don't feel like i really had that thing and then i had a little experience with it so it just felt like oh it did happen it was one of those yeah that really happened and people really saw that stuff and they liked it and they remembered stuff from it and it was sweet that's great so they gave me a very nice gift good back to the cognitive thing yeah that's the scariest thing and as you remember like I have never cried from an injury like when I went over the handlebars of the motorcycle it's like nearly every bone above my hips was broken and I don't care but the moment in my loop from the concussion when i recognized that i had been on a three-minute loop for hours yeah was the scaredest i've ever been on planet earth i know i know i had just enough cognition to go holy fuck the rest of my life might be in a three-minute loop i can't do anything it's so bad and it is it's so hard to see people you love have dementia like my grandfather had it and he was so brilliant and then to see like someone's brain who worked overtime like worked at a capacity none of the rest of us did to like can't get to like peeing on on the floor i'm gonna be honest with you so i know someone who's seems to have a little bit of light it you know a little light light version like i'm just noticing some stuff right and it so goes against my stupid stereotype that i shouldn't have and it's kind of what you're saying about your grandfather it's like i thought if you used your brain really intensely which this person did for sure yeah that would safeguard you from that and i'm seeing that it hasn't and it and i hate it yeah i don't like it they do say that like crosswords

2:02:47they do say dry brine chicken helps they do say cooking and repeating the things you've made and three words from the book yeah rose chair apple it's wild to think like and it's just gratitude like every day that your brain is working that your body is working um it's it's it can can go quite quickly yeah um so you know i'm such uh a david sedaris fan that like i couldn't wait to watch our own episode with him like i just wanted to stare at his face a little bit yeah and we got into that we had had that whole section about him getting his haircut and i asked him on the road you know these barber you know how do you choose a barber and then come to find out he doesn't care at all who cuts his hair.

2:03:39He made that very clear. And I never mentioned in that episode that I cut hair. Oh, yeah. So you know that I'm going to be assisting him at his book reading the next time he's here in Pasadena. And I texted him yesterday and said, would you like a haircut before the show? And he said, I would love one. So now I'm going to cut his hair before the show and then be his assistant. Whoa, hold on. My brain is exploding because you don't even know, I'm sure you don't remember that that's a crazy ding ding ding Sim we talk about you cutting hair in this episode with Jimmy and Molly oh we do but I just need to tell you I cannot wait to cut his hair are you going to practice beforehand I don't need to practice I mean he's your hero it's like no but I cut my own hair it's way harder to cut my own hair and it's long and there's layers we're so different me and you we are yeah that's kind of what makes this show That's all it shows.

2:04:36That's all it shows. No, I can't wait. It's a very intimate thing to cut someone's hair. I know. It's like a very nice, they're trusting you. You have sharp scissors. Yes. It's a lovely thing to share with somebody. I can see why hairstylists like being hairstylists. It's an intimate activity. And the person sits there like, they sit real still. And then, you know, you're playing with their hair. You have full control. Yeah. And just, yeah, they're trusting you quite a bit. and they sit like they're behaving right they sit real still and you're like you're you're just combing their hair and grabbing i don't know it's i'm so i'm so excited to be able to play with david's hair and cut it now this brings me to something because you you saying it's intimate which you're right i've never thought about that but it is i think that's why people tell their barbers so much stuff is it's like already a forced intimate situation totally but also you No, you reiterated in this episode, but you've said it many times.

2:05:33You'll only cut someone's hair once. I'll cut his as many times as. No. Well, Monica, I'd cut my kids' hair as much as they wanted to. Kristen's hair, Aaron's hair, your hair. Oh, there's exceptions? Yes. Oh, I didn't know. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is more like I know people, they find out. Like, again, that whole scenario is people finding out I cut hair or me wanting to show them I know how. Right. You guys already all know that. There's nothing about that. Okay. That makes me feel a little bit. Like when I cut your hair, you already know I can cut hair. Yeah, I do. But okay. But the point I was trying to make is you only do it once.

2:06:10And then maybe that's kind of like when you used to have sex with people. One night stands. Yeah. And I just wanted to impress them and get their approval. Yes. And then on to the next for sure. That's what I'm owning up to in the conversation with Molly and Jimmy. I mean, like, I know this is a gross part of me, but I'm trying to be open and honest about it. It's vomitous. But it's better. I want them to be impressed with me. And then once I have that, I don't want there's nothing in it for me again. No. Well, unless I want to be intimate with that. That's a mean way to look at it. That's one bad thing to say about it.

2:06:46But it could also be that you're afraid that if you do it again, the thing they thought was so great won't be as great. That's not my fear. Oh, man, I was trying to give you an out. Thank you. My fear at that point is like, I don't have space for clients. I don't. I can't have like seven people. You just want to have sex and then bye, bye, bye. I was telling you, it got worn out with all my friends in my 20s when I was broke. And what got weird is like I cut Tim's hair. Every haircut Tim Lovestead had for 10 years, I gave him. I cut Scotty's hair. These guys didn't go to a barber for years. And then all of a sudden I had like money and I was busy.

2:07:30And of course, they still wanted me to cut their hair. And I still did. But I was also like, I got to be careful how many more clients I pick up. I don't have time to cut everyone's hair. People need their hair cut all the time, Monica. especially if they have short hair well that yeah i i don't know about that yeah you wouldn't know about that you can probably do it once every six months i do like twice a year yeah wow okay this is fun this is great yeah i love you i love you