Kaley Cuoco Returns

22:04He always talks about it in a beautiful way. I love that. He's like, I was out of my mind, out of control. Like I was a partier, had the time of my life. Every woman in America was obsessed with him. He said it was so fun. he's such a chameleon because if you look at his work half the things people don't even know it's like he's so you know the body is fucking top notch too i like a guy with that frame hot oh i know it's ridiculous i heard you say that you were stalking him on instagram oh that's how you found him no but i did stalk him on it yeah so i want to know the progression okay okay yeah so we have the same manager very eat your hollywood story i was obviously going through a divorce however many years ago.

22:46And we do need to talk about that because we were so into Carl. You wouldn't remember our interview. Oh, I remember. You remember? Of course. Remember how into Carl we were? Because Carl is wonderful. She was married to Carl at the moment. Yes, and he was an equestrian. equestrian, I remember. He won a gold medal this last year. He did something at the Olympic. He's amazing. I have not a single bad thing to say about that guy. But we were so into Carl that Rob came in one morning and he goes, you guys, Carl's gone. I know, I know. But it really meant something. Do you remember all that? I actually do.

23:14I remember talking to you about it. It was so funny. I remember talking about it. Okay, okay. So I was getting divorced and my manager, so maybe six months later said, we just signed this new guy. You got to meet him. So six months and I said, I'm not ready. No. And I shut it down. And by the way, I've been with my manager and my entire team. So I was 15 years old. So they knew they were a family to me. So she brings it up to me. I'm like, no, I'm not. It doesn't feel right yet. So she goes noted. So cut to April, cut to four months later. I'm bringing her as my plus one to New York to promote flight attendant.

23:44she goes, oh, this is great. I actually have a few different people I'll see in New York. One of them is Tom. There was a premiere for Ozark and she was going to go. So she goes, we can go to that together. So she's saying all this to me. She's not scheming, but I remember this is the guy she mentioned before. Now, mind you, two weeks before I left for that, I guess you called a press tour, but to promote Flight Attendant Season 2, we hadn't had a premiere for Season 1 because of COVID. So Season 2 for Flight Attendant was very exciting. We got to like actually go out and do stuff. But I'll never forget, I was laying on the floor of this house that I shared with Carl.

24:18We were obviously divorced, divorcing. And it was the day of the premiere. And I was on the floor sobbing, thinking I ruined my whole life. That is the lowest point of my life I ever had. I couldn't get up. I was so depressed. I thought I blew up my life. What am I going to fucking do now? Then you've got this weird, the other side, the premiere of my show. This is the weirdest juxtaposition. Is that what you call juxtaposition? I don't know. My hair and makeup girls came over. They were literally doing my hair and makeup on the floor. I said, I can't go. On the floor? I was so sad. Yeah. My path for me was so complicated.

24:53And I just thought, oh, man, this might have been it for me. Like, this is it for me. And then you're older. You're old. And then you're worried I'll never find love again. Everything. Yes. It was so heart-wrenching. It was horrible. So I knew two weeks later we were going to New York to pro the show. and my manager says, you want to go to Premiere Ozark with me? We can meet Tom. And I was like, she's still trying to set me up with this guy. Like, I don't think. So I decided to go on Instagram and I only look him up. So I look him up and kind of looks like he's living up in the woods and he's got these dogs.

25:22And I'm like, oh, there's a dog. I like living up in the woods. So I'm like looking, looking, looking. By the way, I still have not met him. I know nothing. You know, when you go real deep and you get afraid you're going to like something from like 2009. You gotta be so kidding. Absolutely. I'm like, do not touch this phone. You have to scroll on the very right side of it. You cannot be anywhere near that hard button. I've been sitting on my hands. I feel like if you like something from 2010, this is going to be so embarrassing. Busted. Oh, Lordy. So I scan, scan, scan, scan, and I get this feeling that I'm going to spend my life with him.

25:52And I texted my best friend, Zosia, in that moment. She still has it. And I said, this is crazy, but I have to put it in writing. I think I'm going to meet the man I'm going to spend my life with. She goes, what do you mean? I'm like, just keep this text. And it was Tom. Wow. And I met him two weeks later. Now, how much did the German Shepherd play a role in it? Loved that. That's a big stamp of it. Gotta be a dog lover with me. Yeah. That was a big one. Also, he looked very, like, out in, like, the woods. Lug it, lug it. It wasn't like he was, like, selfie guy. It was more like, where is he? He was very mysterious.

26:22He didn't look actor-y, right? Not actor-y at all. Yes, that's what we're really saying. I'm gonna be with an actor. You better be a good fucking actor. Yeah. This is also a tough thing. That's right. So I'm like, okay, he's cool. So, you know, I was thinking about it. I go, oh my God, maybe things are about to get better. So she takes me to the premiere and I'm still thinking, I can't believe I'm going to meet this guy tonight. We get there and I'm in line, bathroom, and I hear he has a very loud laugh. He has a lovely laugh. You hear it from my way. And I heard his laugh and I heard him say, so where is this Kaylee?

26:57He says it to my manager. And I like turn around and I look up at him and he gives me this big smile. And I'm like, I'm right here. Oh, this is like such a rom-com. I've been here the whole time. I'm right here. That was it. And then you guys were just in it. Yeah, so we go into the theater and he's sitting in front. Now they're showing two episodes of Ozark. This is a long night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Now we all want to watch Ozark, but right now all I want to do is fucking flirt my ass off with this guy who is sitting in front of me who did not look back once so i kept thinking oh my god and i'm done because i'm like he's really not gonna turn around for two and a half hours like really and we laugh about it now because he's like that whole time i was like don't look back oh it was sitting right behind him so we go to the after probably we're just like kind of shy and after like two hours of not much conversation he finally sits next to me.

27:57And by the way, my sister happened to be there too. My sister's so gorgeous. She looked so hot that night. And I was like, Brie, can you please, if he goes for you tonight, please, she looked so good. She was laughing. She's like, Oh my God. I'm like, just get out of here. So luckily he didn't go for her. So he comes in. Yeah. He says, Hey, how much longer are you here? I said, a few more days. And he said, like, I'd love to take you out tomorrow night. So we did. Was he living there or he was just in town for the premiere as well? He lives in upstate New York. Yeah. So he drove down for the premiere.

28:30And so the next night I totally ditched my friends. We had plans to go to Harry Potter, the musical. Oh, yes. Gave Monica a seizure. Yeah, you probably avoided a seizure. So don't worry. I left intermission. I said, guys, I got to meet this guy. And they're like, you're leaving us for that. And I planned the whole night. So we did. I jumped out. We had tea in the lobby of the hotel. Where was he? What hotel? I was at the Whitby's so he met me there. It's my favorite hotel. And so we had tea and I saw, this is so bad, but he had a pack of cigarettes and I was like, and I think he thought I would be like, ew.

29:04And I was like, I'll have one of those. He was like, you will? Are you thinking shock dude? There was something about it. It's so bad. But he got so excited that I'd like have a smoke with him. And we did. We had a smoke. He was like trying to hide. That's like his one little vice. Sure. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your phone's battery before heading out. That'll get you every time. Of course, your phone dies on the way to meet someone, leaving you wandering around quietly panicking about being in the wrong spot.

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30:18The insights trapped in emails, call logs, and transcripts, all that unstructured data that makes all the difference. Because when you know more, you grow more. And when you get a full cup of coffee, you can do more too. But I digress. Visit HubSpot.com today.

30:41So how do you then work out the fact that he's up in the woods in New York and you're in Westlake? Well, we got pregnant like an hour later. Right? This is the fact. Congrats. We knew. Which is wild because I never thought I would have kids. You didn't? Oh, you didn't think so. I always loved him, but I felt like I missed the mark. And then with my ex, I kept thinking I didn't want kids with him or I don't know what it was. Something was missing. I knew it wasn't right for that. And I thought, that's okay. I love my work. I was really okay with it. You got your animals. I was fine. I think deep down I wasn't fine.

31:15But I met Tom. We both wanted it so bad. And then we got pregnant easily and we were so excited. And I said, well, what are we going to do? You live there, I live here. And he said he would move to LA. And luckily, like I was telling you guys, I live so far outside of LA that he was attracted to that area. Now I will tell you the hardest thing is his move out here. He hates LA. Oh, really? He's not an LA guy. Yeah. He's a New Yorker. But you have the funds to split this up a bit? And we do. No, we totally do. And he's been amazing. You know, look, one of us was going to have to give up. I love New York, but my family's all here.

31:48His family's there. That's a tough, I've never dealt with that before. I know that's been hard. He's the most brilliant actor, but he's not a Hollywood guy. Thank God. I'm not a Hollywood girl, but I'm in it. Right. Whether I am or not. Yeah, you're very not a Hollywood. I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's also been my life. But you get splashed around. And it's been my life for so long that I'm so used to what this life brings. He's the actor's actor. He wants to do the acting thing without all the other stuff. He doesn't want it, which is what I love about him. So because I'm so used to all the stuff that comes with this, nothing phases me.

32:21And he's always amazed by that. He's like, I don't understand. I just roll through. I don't care. And it's not his scene. Well, I would argue that you have worked so much that you had to develop that. Like, I just fucking keep moving and roll forward. What else am I going to do? You just have been doing it for so long. And I don't think there was ever a choice in that. I've always had that attitude. There's never been like a minute where I'm like, I need to really. It just was this. Now, I will say, so I've been really curious post Big Bang. Obviously, you have an agenda, which I dig, which is like you've been really doing action, mystery.

32:57This thing is a thriller, vanished. As much as you're like, yeah, so I'm going to do the thing. Are you like, well, now I want to do a bunch of stuff I didn't get to do. It feels like there's an agenda. It kind of looks like that. It's not necessarily. It's just what you were interested in or landed in front of you. This business has gotten so fucking weird and difficult and hard, and there's not a lot of great stuff. It's harder now. It's harder to make things. There's so much television, yet at the same time, it's so complicated. And now here's a really nosy, gross question. But what is it like to go from making an insane amount of money back down to making like a good amount of money?

33:33Is it an adjustment? I don't think about that. I should think about it more, but I don't. I live the same as I did 20 years ago. Now it's different, too, with a child. Like there's different elements now, but I like the way that I live. I don't want to change that way that I live. Yeah. It's the same way though, where I'm in Tom and I have talked about this a lot. Cause I'm so, I was going to say brave. That's not the right word. I don't remember that I am anyone. So I do things. You're like oblivious. I am. I am so oblivious. And yet I've listened to so much true crime. I'm also very aware. Sure.

34:05So like someone's going to be behind me that I know. Hypervigilant, but then oblivious. But oblivious. You just forget you're famous. So I do things that he will be like, what are you doing? Yeah, like people know you. We take Matilda a lot to Chuck E. Cheese. And Tom always goes, you don't have to come tonight. I go, no, no, of course I want to come. And I'll be like, why? You don't want me to come? He's like, no, every time you come. He's like, do you understand what happens at Chuck E. Cheese? And I laugh and I go, I swear to God, and I really mean this. I don't even think about it. And you don't remember the last trip to Chuck E.

34:36Cheese. Zero memory. I just remember having so much fun at Chuck E. Cheese and Matilda. Are people coming up to you or everyone's just looking at you? Spying, filming. They get a little weird. They're definitely filming you. They're filming, you know, and again, I don't care. Yeah, you're just not paying attention. Good for you. It's so healthy. I wish I could let that go. I know. I don't care. Just to fuck up, Tom, I get this weird protective, hey, y 'all, my kids are around. Don't fucking point a camera. Like, that kind of irks me. Yes. Me, I'm fine. You could film me taking a shit if you find me at the airport.

35:04But if I'm with my kids. He's protective for sure. and again, he doesn't like that side of it. Yes. It's a gross side. It is gross. And I just don't notice it. He doesn't like award shows. He's like, what are we doing? And I'm there. I'm like, oh my God, I get to wear like the cutest dress. And you're seeing friends you've known over the years. Yes, but I get it. I'm looking at it through his eyes. I'm like, no, this is really fucked up. We're going to like these weird popularity contests. Yes. Not even really how good you are. Tom and I could really have a coffee. You would go to town. We were, podcast was a - I know.

35:37Podcast was a thing this year. It was cool. I did it. I just felt so small. Oh. I mean, of course, right? That made me like, no, you're so not. I get what you're saying. We all feel small at those things. I was just talking to, oh, Kurtwood. I went out to eat with Kurtwood Smith, my favorite actor. Have you worked with Kurtwood? He's the dad on 70s show and he was in the Patriot. Oh, no, but he's amazing. He's amazing. And I did a thing with him years ago and I just fell in love with him and we had lunch the other day. It was so sweet. And I was saying, you know, it's so funny. You're like, oh yeah, I got invited to the big party.

36:05But then the second you get there, you're like, it's physically strata. It's like, okay, so movie people are down here close to the stage and then the TV people are in this ring and then they dump the podcasters like in a corner of that far ring. You come and then you just feel like... Maybe there's also a part of me that's like, I'm not going to let that feeling be the reason I don't go. Right. Because there's so many people who are taking blinding photos of someone in front of you. And then you just walk right on by. It's terrible. And they do not care. And even just between me and him, they don't want to do an interview with me solo.

36:39But if we go together, there's just so many things. And it is not lost on me that to get invited there is a big honor. Yes. It's a huge honor. It is. This is why people sound ungrateful, right? Because they're going to hear it and be like, oh, like she's at the Golden Globe. I know. You got nominated for a Golden Globe. You weren't as popular as Leonardo DiCaprio, so you don't want to go. It sounds crazy. And you know how you don't care about shit? I go like, yeah, guess what? You caught me. I'm sensitive. Guess what? I'm guilty of being sensitive. My goal, I guess, in life is to not have the feelings of being small.

37:16Of course. Just not going is not going to fix that. That's very true. And I admire that. You're right. You shouldn't let an insecurity prevent you from being at the places you do want to be. Yeah. Oh, my God. Tom would love you. He would get so deep with you on this shit. We'll bring our kids to this fucking farm and let them get attacked by a zonkey. or mauled by a pig. She's friendly. Okay, so interesting. So you have a healthy thing about the money. When I think about retiring, yeah, I get really afraid of like, am I going to go like, oh wait, I liked my savings increasing, not diminishing.

37:48That scares me. Well, also that big bang time, I guess. What an appropriate title. I know. The big bang time. I've never said that before. That was good. That just like came out. The big bang. That was a really once in a, like I can't even think to be like, Oh, I wish I had that again. That never crosses my mind. I have the same thing. It's like when this is over, this will never happen again. It's special. This is a moment in time. And I feel that way about Big Bang. That was like its own life. I will never go back to that. I talk about it with so much love, but life is different now. It just doesn't look that way.

38:23It will never look that way again. Just the way else the business has gone. And there's just no way. How is Oh Norman going? It's going great. It is. Do you enjoy that? You launched a pet food company with really cute names. chill the fuck out or chill the f out a lot of f yeah yeah like calm the f down stop effing niching w what the fuck treats wtf treats whole tasty fresh they're really cute the packaging is amazing and it's all super healthy ingredients all naturally made sustainable it's been an awesome adventure we're two years old i'm fully involved like every name every product everything i am obsessed because also for years obviously because of my animal obsession people have come to me to do something like this.

39:05And I've always said no. So this was now the moment to do it. And so now that I'm doing it, I want people to know that I mean it. It's so authentic to me. It's like if someone was an influencer and they're doing makeup, it makes sense for them. Like this makes sense for me. So I want them to know that everything I'm telling you, I'm doing, I'm using, I'm this and that. And I want it to feel very girl next door. So we've kind of created in a way where half the videos I'm doing on my phone, like it's all just everyday stuff. You have such a charm. She also pitched herself to be the host of the NFL honors ceremony.

39:35Let me tell you something. Tell me. This is so funny you're bringing this up. I am pissed. Last year, I thought I was getting that gig. How could you have not based on that video? And then it went to Snoop Dogg. Wow. Okay. That was amazing. By the way, he was great. You can stomach that. This year, Jon Hamm now is hosting. Get a chick up there, NFL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that. I am waiting my turn. I know all about football. Yeah. I know a lot. And I love it. So I feel like I'm such a good candidate for this. Yes. But now I feel like I'm getting lower on the list. And it's just funny you say this because literally two days ago in our house, I was like, Jon Hamm's hosting this?

40:13Yeah. When am I going to get my shot? Put a chick up there. Put a chick up there. And it should be you because you've been trying. You've been putting yourself out there. I've put in the effort. You've earned it. I feel I've earned it. I can be funny. I am not mean. I am fun. I understand the game. Have you ever hosted anything? Yes. What have you hosted? Early in my big bang days, I hosted People's Choice twice. Oh, wow. Okay, that's a big affair. I hosted People's Choice Awards once or twice. I don't like this for you. I don't like what's happened to you. I appreciate that. It's changing me, knowing that I'm not able to be this host of this NFL honors.

40:49It drives me crazy. Then they're like, well, we'd love you to come present. I'm like, no. I don't even know what the honors is. What is that? Is that their Academy Awards? Yes. It's basically after the whole year. I mean, you got, you're doing MVP. You're handing out all this. Oh, the MVP gets it. Okay. For a football lover. It's awesome. Yes. For a sports lover. It's awesome. Great. So it's just funny you say that because this has been hot on my mind. She starts a video in a Jersey. Thank you. You remember that. Yes. You had a great premise, which is, I know a lot about football, but I have zero loyalty.

41:17Whoever is winning. It started with like, so-and-so was in first. I loved them. Yep. But then so-and-so shit the bed. Goff. I'm all about Goff. I'm like, I'm a Rams fan. I'm from LA. Then the Lions crushed them. Now I'm a Lions fan. I'm a Lions fan. I'm now, oh, Kelsey, I'll go right to the Kansas City Chiefs. Like, I just went through the whole thing. I like audition. What if they ask you next year? What are you going to say? 100%, yes. Oh, I'm not, listen, I will wait years. You're not petty. No, there was a job recently. I won't say the name of it because I feel like it's going to come out and it's going to be like, oh my God, that was the one.

41:47This just shows you this business. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done. I wanted this job so bad. And they kept saying, oh, you know, we're going to go so-and-so. So we're going to, and okay, well, if we don't go in so-and-so, these people kept turning it down, these different actresses. At this point, I was fifth in line. And I remember my team was like, at this point, like, fuck them. I'm like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I still want this. And by the way, I did not get this job. And I laughed because I'm like, I couldn't believe the team was like, if they actually say yes to you now, now we're saying no to them because this is getting offensive.

42:19I'm like, I don't care. I want the job. Good for you. But I didn't get it. And now I'm like, I couldn't believe I didn't get it. I didn't get it. It'll come out. By next time I see you, we'll talk about it because it'll come out. I know. I'm curious. I know. But it just shows you like it doesn't matter. Yeah. They didn't want me. I wasn't right for it. By the way, I know I'm good. Yeah. So if they didn't see me for that, it's okay. It doesn't mean all of a sudden I'm not good. It wasn't talent based. No, it's like, okay, they had a different idea. You're over those insecurities. I don't feel that way.

42:48I'm like, that's not the look they're going for. It's obvious it's not. So, okay, that's fine. But like, it doesn't mean I go home like, oh, I guess they didn't want me. They know I'm good. Was it to play a historical black woman? Yeah, it's not weird. They wouldn't hire me. I know you really tried, but no. We don't need to see the audition tape for that. You don't need to. Please, God, no. You just can't get everything. I don't know. Well, then I guess learning about how chill you are about all of it. The one question I didn't ask you last time that I was curious about is when I look at your resume, the thing that feels like it could have been a very dicey situation was walking into charmed season eight girl was it a dicey um that was it's funny you know when you do so many things and you just forget about terrible moments compartmentalize i have to say though i was 21 because i remember i turned 21 on that and if i knew what i knew now i don't think i would have ever let this happen I started out that job in their gallery shoot.

43:47Imagine this. I've never met anyone. It's their gallery shoot. Okay, for those in home. Explain that, yeah. A gallery shoot. You're starting season eight. You're going to go do new photos with the cast. It's an all-day thing. Everyone's together and you're all wearing black and then you're all wearing red, you know. So I'm the new girl. You got Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, and Holly Marie Combs. I've never met them. Yeah. Think about that. I'm joining their family photo. And I'm 21. I'm the hottest I've ever been, by the way. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm like the coolest thing ever, but also terrified.

44:16I'm going to tell you the loveliest story about Alyssa Milano. I walk in that gallery and I am so freaking nervous. It's on their lunch break. They're all in the corners eating. I walk in. Alyssa Milano sees me and I will always tell this story about her. She got up, ran over to me, welcomed the show, gave me the biggest hug in the world. We're so happy. You're so kind. I will never forget that. In fact, ever since then, I was like this before that moment, but I make sure I do that to anybody. Because that was the nicest thing she could have ever done to me. It just made me feel, oh my God, huge hug.

44:49So glad you're here. Rose, maybe not as happy. Sure, sure, sure. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not excited to see you. I still don't know if she likes me. I don't know. But Alyssa was amazing. I was terrified. Oh. It's a weird thing coming into a show with them in years. For that long, too? Year eight. I was year eight. And I only did the one season. I think about that with Big Bang, because obviously I started Big Bang after that. We were on that show for 12 years. You know each other so well. 12 years. So anyone that came in, I was very aware of like, this must be so weird for you. Yeah. So I always remembered that from Alyssa to this day.

45:25And I was like that before that. But still, you got to go the extra mile in a situation like that. Well, because it's weird. It's walking into someone's family dinner. It's so weird. Yes. Everyone's close. That's tough. Well, add in the hotness is not great either. And I was super hot. Yeah, it's not helpful. I can lose 20 years ago. I don't think that helped. Although Alyssa was hot then, she's hot now. She's also a horse lover. She might have smelt out. Animals, she had a chihuahua there. She was amazing. How many dogs do you have in your house? We have four. Okay, that's totally reasonable.

45:55It's not crazy. It's a low number for us. I thought it was going to be much scarier. We're usually at the sixth mark. I love rescuing seniors, so they don't last as long. And how's the barking in the house? Insane. Horrible. Okay. You want to get anything done in our house? Don't even. Help me understand how you guys are fine with that. Because I live with a tremendous amount of barking. I have nothing to say to you. It's terrible. It's all the time. It's all day. They see a leaf. Yeah, why? There's a squirrel. There's a visitor. The door bird rings. At this point, I think I do want to black out our front door.

46:23Because I think anything now. Maybe put eye patches over them for at least a couple hours of the day so we can fucking blinders. Listen, there's annoying. There's no way to tell you it's funny. How does Tom feel about it? He hates it. Yeah. He's like, I can't do a Zoom. I go, I know. Don't even try to get work done in this house. Yeah. So if you want to have a phone call, if you want to do anything. If you want to think. If you want to take a nap. You got to get the kid out of the house to get the dogs. It's totally insane. Here's another thing while I'm airing my grievances. Yeah. We got one dog that'll just eat anything that's in the trash.

46:56Tampon, we've had that. My poor sister had to pull a tampon out of one of their butts mid-dump. We call that garbage gut, and we have a dog like that, too. So I have to have a rack in my bathroom for my fucking trash can because the dog will just make a shit sty of everything. He goes through everything. I have to pull my trash can out of this little fucking cart I have. And I'm like, this is madness. It's a lifestyle. Everything you're saying has happened to us. It's sweet that they're seniors, though. That's nice. They're seniors. And we decided to adopt a cane corso. Do you know this breed?

47:32No. We have a cane corso. She's gigantic. Yes, yes, yes. She's two. She's awful. Uh-huh. We love her. I mean, Tom was like, we got to have a big dog. I understand. I like both. We rescued a puppy, King Corso, and she's eating our house. And when I say that, so walls. Ew. Walls. Oh, my God. Chunks of walls. Just ruining your home. The yard. We have no yard anymore. I know what you're going to do. Not have them. That's what a lot of people do. We have to have them. I have to have them I know I think it's it's a sickness it's a problem it would make the most sense that you guys lived in a tent in the backyard and just gave them the house oh oh we live in their house I love when people come to our house and they go oh should we take our shoes off and leave leave your shoes on because I don't know what you're gonna step in for your own health this is not our home like we live in a dog park please wear your shoes in our house I will acknowledge the only upside is there's no way your house is ever getting robbed, right?

48:35If someone comes up, there's got to be a cacophony of fucking chaos. With our Corso is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Do the dogs sleep with you? This is the big question. We've had all kinds of waves. I did have to create a little boundary. I need at least one area of this house that is dog free. And so that became our bedroom, but that quickly eroded. So basically now one of the dogs is allowed to be on the bed. The other one's not. Okay. Which is insanely mean, but I don't give a fuck. I know, I know. I know their rules. The ones just looking at the one, I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. You're a piece of shit.

49:06And this one's slightly less piece of shit. Yeah, 100%. I'm like, is there one room we can dedicate? Is that on the table? Even if you guys agree to it, that quickly goes out the window. It's like, oh, he's so lonely. I'm like, this motherfucker's supposed to be living in the woods. No, I know. The bed thing with the dogs, and Tom loves dogs. But the problem is because we have two that are so old, they do that thing where they're up a lot. You know, it's the roaming. to Crowley. The dementia. The dementia. No, it is. Oh, God. And so it's a little wire we're barking at 3 a.m. at the wall. Oh. He was like, I can't do this anymore.

49:43And I'm like, I understand. So he started sleeping in the guest room. Yeah, that's what happens. Which, by the way, game changer. Yeah, I feel like people need to embrace that more. I'll tell you why. Yeah, yeah. Tom is a night owl. Goes to bed very late. I go to bed earlier because I'm the one who gets up until in the morning and then we have help during the day, but I'm up with her in the morning. If he's not working, he will tell you. He is a night owl. He writes at night. He reads. It's his quiet time. So he's up late and wakes up late on a non-working day. We establish this from day one. I go to bed early and I wake up early.

50:15We're totally on different sleeping schedules. Yes. So I get up with Matilda. I'm tiptoeing around the bedroom. Matilda, daddy, you know. I'm like, why are we? He's like, I can't sleep. Then he wakes up. He can't go back to sleep. Then he's mad. It's terrible. The dogs are like, now it's 5 a.m. It's time to go out. He's like, how do you feel if I sleep in that other room? We do couples therapy and we love it. That's great. It's amazing. So he brings us up and at first I'm like, what will people think? And he's like, I never see you at night. I don't see him. It's not our sexy time. We don't cuddle.

50:50We don't see each other at night. He goes, why do you care? And I sat there and I went, God, I don't care. And he goes, let's try it. Game changer. He's happy. You're happy. 100%. Nothing happens but sleep in those beds. He didn't move into the bathroom, but he sleeps down there. He sleeps great. No dogs in his way. I'm up with Matilda at 7 a.m. She comes in bed with me. I can turn things on. I don't have to worry about waking him up. It just works for us. Yeah. We don't go walking to the bedroom, hold his hand in hand to watch a TV show together. That's not. You were never doing that. Never doing that.

51:22And he kind of explained it, but he's like, what are you losing by this? Because I thought this is not good. Appearance is all you're losing. I really thought that. And my brain didn't realize it was that, but I thought, this doesn't look good. And he's like, do you see me at night? Yeah. And I'm like, I don't because I'm always asleep when he comes to bed. But I had to realize that because it hit me in a way that I thought it didn't look good. Best decision we ever made. I'm so glad. It's hysterical. And he sleeps better. There's no dogs in his bed. I can handle the dogs and batter to me. Oh, beautiful.

51:50We had this realization, but I didn't know why I thought it was so looked down upon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are so many ideas. I mean, same with what you were saying about kids. There's so many ideas of what is a good marriage or what is a good partnership. And it's all so stupid. It's arbitrary. I think we just saw it on TV, right? A, so you're like, well, that's not what I saw on TV. 100%. B, when I grew up, when there was a stepdad around, we didn't have the extra room for that to even have been an option. So I don't know if they would have preferred that. It was never modeled. Exactly. It was never modeled and it was never talked about.

52:22This is kind of a new thing. People are talking a lot about this now, too. It's kind of interesting. and it definitely was like no one would talk about that. Sleep now is getting so much more conversation. Everyone's like, you need it. You have to get it or you'll die. It takes like 30 years off your life if you don't get this. It's like, oh my God. No, we're such happier people now after deciding. And it's so funny because as I've been preaching this, I mean like, I don't care. I don't care what people say about my parenting. And then I got so worried about what this looks like. And I realized, who cares?

52:51It works great for us. We're like so much happier. You're going to suffer to make other people happy. And to be like, what did it look like? It was just funny because we had to talk about it in our session because he really was so funny. He's like, what are you losing by this happening? I was like, literally nothing. Right. And it's just all big win. We love our TV time together, but we never do that in bed. You're not rolling over and fucking in the middle of the night. You're not 20. We are not those people. I need to sleep. Yeah. We need to sleep. Do you think maybe, though, that has to do with some trauma around divorce?

53:24Me? Yeah. The sleeping. Well, just like, oh, no, if we're not sleeping together, like, is next step this? Yes. Or what does it look like? Because everyone knows I've had these divorces. I think all that went through my brain really quickly. Yeah. And then I realized I'm actually doing something really good for my relationship. Okay, let's talk about Vanished. How did Vanished come your way? There were a lot of boxes that were checked for me with this, although I was terrified to go across the country away from. My daughter was only like two at the time. So I was like, am I doing this? In the show, I watched the pilot last night.

53:58You're in Paris. We're in France. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole show is about this trip that happens in France. When they said we were going to shoot there, I was like, oh my God, like how am I going to do this? And I had just spent basically six months prior to that in Philadelphia with Tom while he was shooting Task. Right. I went there and he did that and I was like Mrs. Mom and it was amazing. And then when this came up, I was like, six months Philadelphia feels different than going two months in France. How do we do this? Am I going alone? Are you coming with me? Am I making my kid go? I don't want to make her go.

54:29But do I leave her? It definitely messed with me. There were so many years where I would have fellow mom friends who kind of would be tormented over these decisions. And I have to admit, I would kind of be like, fucking fine. Leave her. Who cares? They don't care. I regret ever saying that because it did mess with me on how I'm going to do that. So I fully take that back. So it was kind of a big decision to go, but the script was so fun and two months isn't eternal. And Tom was encouraging me to go do this. He's like, we'll take care of everything here. And he was so great about it. If there was even 2 % less of what he gave, I don't think I would have gone.

55:02It's a lot. He was kind of Mr. Mom. We have tons of help, but he did a lot while I was gone those few months. And he had the time of his life with her and she was having so much fun. Yeah, it's really special. So it was special. Yeah, it was sweet. And she could care less that I was gone. I was just talking about this yesterday. He met a times I would call and she was doing something. She's like, I can't make it to the phone. Literally like in a class, on a play date. It wasn't like she was like, where's mommy? Which is what you want. You don't want her asking where I am. And it was great. I went on this adventure and it was like so fun.

55:31And it's only four episodes, like so quick. And I don't know, it was kind of a fun blip in time. It's an awesome thriller. It's fun. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

55:51So we meet you and you are an archaeologist. Yes. And you're coming back from Albania where you've been on a dig. And you're meeting up with your English boyfriend. My boyfriend. Okay. He's like a Doctors Without Borders type of guy. Yes. Okay. And we learn right out of the gates. They've met in Paris to join up. And we learn that you're going to get a job as a professor in Princeton. Yes. By the way, this is kind of mirroring you and Tom. So you watched. I watched the shit out of it. You got a lot of detail. Thank you. You're not even reading it. You're literally saying it. I just watched it.

56:28Don't give me too much credit. So we've got a interpersonal challenge on our hands. Will these two vagabonds settle down in New Jersey and you teach at Princeton? Yeah. What's interesting is I'm watching that scene and I'm like, does he want to go? That's what you're trying to figure out. You're trying to read him. What are you going to say? No, I'm not going to join you. They've been together for four years. And so it's looking pretty promising. He says he's in. And then we find out he's got this magical trip. he's going to take you to this hotel they couldn't afford, but he called in a favor.

56:57Now we're going to go, now we're on a train. And this is romantic. And we think they're going to maybe get engaged. I fall asleep on the train, which I'm good at. Yeah, I bet you might have even. They caught me for real. They said, get this because it's so real. And I was like, okay, I'm ready to go now. I'm going off on tangents. No, we love it. I'm very claustrophobic to the point of detrimental. It's ruining my life. What are you doing on an airplane? You're in a tube. It's tough. It's tough. Maybe that's why you sleep everywhere. You're kind of like disassociating. It might be disassociating from life.

57:24I can't even sit in a Tesla. That front thing. Sure. So the train really messed with me. Okay, so. Wake up on the train. Here on the train and he takes a phone call. Yes. Wake up on a moving train and he's gone. Hence the vanishing. And I'm running up down the train. I'm trying to find him and no idea what happened to him. I think, did the train stop? Was I napping when it stopped? Did he get off? And she gets off at the next stop and she's lost in this country. And she's in Marseille, France. and she is like, I don't know what the hell to do. Goes to the authorities. They seem a little off. She meets a reporter.

57:57Where did he go? And did he leave on purpose? And it's kind of this strange mystery. And it's like, does she just go home or does her curiosity make her want to find him? I mean, Marseille, where we shot, the background of this show is very small. So once I learned that, because I swear I saw that entire city over two months, I'm like, you could find someone here. It's a port town. Unless they got on a boat. she could look for him for a minute. You could believe that she could, if she tried really hard, maybe actually figure this out. But the French inspector is a prick. Yeah. He's very condescending.

58:29A little misogyny happening. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of, maybe he isn't who I thought he was. You know, that's a TV I love. I love it too. I love a whodunit. I love like, ooh, you're not who we thought you were. Well, the very last frame of the pilot, which I will not give away, but she does discover something. You really go, oh my goodness. He's definitely not who we think he is. What he's presented as. I didn't trust him to begin with. He's too charming. He's too cute. He's doing too many good things. Mr. Help the Children. Is it Benji or do you have to wait week to week? Benji.

59:05Okay, thank God. I think. You know what? We don't know. I actually don't know the answer. Also, what is MGM Plus? Because I've never worked with MGM Plus before. Is that not part of Prime? They've been lovely. Nothing's part of anything. Okay. This is all 97 different things. This is where we're at. Too many. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they've been amazing, and they are part of Prime. So eventually this will be on Prime, but it's going to start on MGM+. The amount of television now, it's incredible, but it's so widespread. It is. What do you see? What do you watch? It's fragmented. And you would also think that would mean so many jobs.

59:35I know. That's what I'm confused about. I agree. It's like they're not making anything. We're not working. I know. It blows my mind. I think there's a lot of reality. There's a lot of docs. The strike and the new contract really fucked things up. That's a fact. It started with COVID, I think, ruined everything. And then it never survived. And then that pushed it over the edge. This is four episodes. Kristen's show, I think, is 10. Yeah. Shows are eight. Yeah. It's not like 24. So you're going to get paychecks for 24. Who's doing 24 now? Pitt. Is that who still is doing full season? No, I think it's 14 or 15.

1:00:10It feels like a ton because we're not used to that anymore. But it's not like 20. It's not 22 or anything? I feel like they're one of the ones that do more than normal. I thought it was 24. 15. Oh, it's 15. Okay. Because it's a work shift, right? I was thinking of a day. Because it is one day, but I think it's a shift. One shift. I know so much about the pit. The episode seems so detailed and so intense that I'm like, how do you do that? It's so good. Do you love that show? I think it's fantastic. I have never been happier for an actor in my life. I know. The Noah Renaissance is making me so happy.

1:00:43The Noah-sance, him winning. You know when you see someone really deserve it? Yeah. That is just a good feel. And the nicest guy. Has he been on this show? He hasn't, but I actually went up to him at the Emmys last year because I was a plus one. I just wanted to introduce myself to him and tell him how much Monica loves him. He said, oh, I've been on your hayride. I do a hayride in my neighborhood for Halloween. And I'm like, what do you mean you're on my hayride? He's like, yeah, I was on your hayride. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you have said hi? He's like, well, I didn't want to bother you.

1:01:12You were driving the thing. Like with his kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nicest dude ever. I love seeing people that have been doing this a long time. And they have like this another moment. It's cool. Also the lift of that show. Oh my God. Like when I'm watching it, I'm panicked because of the stakes. Yes. But then I'm panicked as an actor. Oh my God. I'm like, how in the fuck do you memorize all that medical jar again? And let it rip. Like it's your second language. Like you really know it. Not a chance. You couldn't pay me enough money. I mean. Just FYI. I ain't doing any medical show. That's too much.

1:01:42I don't want to be a lawyer. Yeah. Like I've got limits now. Sure. I just won't. Yeah. Valteries. I won't. Yeah. I am amazed by people that can do that. Oh, well, Kaylee, I adore you. You're such a fun guest. I know. How fun. You have to come back. I will come back. Vanish is great. And it's a fucking whodunit. It's a mystery. It's a thriller. You're an investigator. You walk up steep hills. Oh, that's hard. You find pieces of gum. I walk up a lot of steep hills. That's hard. And I run a lot. Oh, wow. I run a lot. run all over Marseille. Wow. Okay, out on MGM Plus now. Just another streamer for you guys to invest in.

1:02:21Stream the shit out of it. Thanks for having me. We'll do this again. Thank you. I'm bringing Tom next time. Oh, please. Thank you, guys. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong.

1:02:37Okay, let's address the elephant in the room. Oh, God, what is the elephant in the room? It looks like I have lip filler. Okay, I didn't think that. You didn't? No, I was just talking to you for a good 40. And you didn't think it. No, not once. Even when I first walked in, because it does look like it's gone down a little bit. No. Okay, well, when I woke up, I was like, oh, no. My top lip really looks like I have filler in there. But it's because I have a very small but significant under the skin pimple right above my lip so it's like swollen okay you at least have a good explanation yeah that's that's but it looked wild i don't think anyone i already have prominent lips so it looked really weird i did i don't know if you can have too prominent well yeah too prominent if it looks It's very surgical.

1:03:38Right. We have a guest coming up. And the two of you, two of you are just embarrassing the world with the lips. Oh, I didn't notice hers. You didn't? No, maybe we talked about it. Indian blindness, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I think Indians - We internalized racism. Couldn't even see it. Couldn't see. I do think some Indians have bigger lips. I think that's probably genetic and hereditary. Yeah. But my mom doesn't really have big lips, I don't think. Your grandma's got a beautiful set of kissers on her. Look at her over there. Oh, I guess. Puckered up. She's begging for a smooch right there. Oh, I guess you're right.

1:04:21Yeah. My mom probably does then have the same, and I guess I do. It's been too long since I stared at her. She's just gorgeous. She is. I wonder if she shaved the side of her hair. Oh, boy.

1:04:37this guest that's coming up oh yeah i will say one thing too like none of her bio or anything could i did it mention anything about ethnicity but then i was going through her instagram there was a photo of this uh guest yeah her and her husband her wedding and he's a caucusoid sure but he was in him who's dressed up yeah i want to say him him not emboldened not embossed not uh I don't know, something that means like beautified. Oh, nice. Yeah, he was like regal. Yeah. Yeah, resplendent. Oh. That's what I wanted to say. He was resplendent in Pakistani traditional wedding gear. Oh, nice. I think my dad wore a suit.

1:05:19Yeah. I'm picturing the picture, their wedding picture, and I'm pretty sure he's in a suit. Although he's starting an Easter egg. a medication-ish of vitamin. Yeah, a probiotic. We had a guest on and they have a product that's not normal for us, but they had a product that we all wanted, so we all got it and I sent it to my dad and he's given it a whirl. How many days into it is he? I think only a couple days. Okay. But I'm going to check in. I'm going to try it if you ever bring it over. You're holding it hostage. I guess maybe when you move into your house, hopefully you'll, I hope that makes the move is all I can hope.

1:05:58It's refrigerated. Which means it will or won't make the move. I can see you just leaving. Like, don't even open the fridge and just walk out the door. Do you want to keep it as an office? That's the kind of dumb thoughts I have. No, I already, for years, I've been like, what am I going to do? Am I going to keep it? Am I going to, yeah, use it as an office when I like have an office? It's a crazy thing. Also, that apartment is notoriously where I don't like to do work. That's right. Where I always leave to go work. so that would be very silly for me to keep it as a place to do work but i often make silly decisions yeah there's some kind of loss bias because as you know i had this apartment in santa monica it was 600 a month yeah i mean anything even when i left they're allowed to raise it five percent a year or whatever i think it was up you know 675 maybe we were at yeah and then when i left brie stayed there for a year and she she even called me she's like you know all right i'm gonna be moving out do you i know you had thoughts about you and i'm like yeah should i keep it it's close to the beach i mean all these dumb things things you never do just because i can't stand the thought of i know at that point that apartment was probably 1800 a month yeah i know and you i feel like i'm giving up 1200 a month which is it doesn't make any sense whatsoever but that's what it feels like that's boy math as opposed to girl math yes but i get it i have the same thing I'm like, that apartment's going to skyrocket as soon as I leave.

1:07:23Yeah, and you're losing that money somehow. Yeah, somehow that's money out of my pocket, which makes no sense because currently I'm paying rent and a mortgage. So all I'm doing is not paying rent anymore, which I need to be doing. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but it's all upon us. The real windfall of money is to not be paying the rent. Exactly. Not getting the rent control. I know. Why do our brains do this? Well, we learned about Easter egg. We learned about attachment today. We're getting a real jump on Easter this year. Yeah, we sure are. And attachment is actually not about this, but I somehow connect it.

1:08:01And the word works. It works. It works. When it works, you work it. Yeah. Work it, you're worth it. That's what we say at the end of our prayer. You know. It works, you work it. It's funny that we had that guest on about attachment because. I was thinking the other day about me being little and I was so shy and so attached to my parents. Yeah, it's hard to imagine. It's very hard to imagine. And I was thinking like, oh, that's so sad for them. For the parents, yes. Like they probably were annoyed by it. So they probably caused it. So I don't feel bad anymore. but like I was like so like I had to be with them and near them at all times and now like it just want me to call this is the heartbreak of parents I that sounds like I don't understand how parents do that that sounds that's too much yeah it's um that's so heartbreaking our way yeah it's just heartbreaking oh which brings me to my ding ding ding yes so I have brought Lincoln to Disneyland for her birthday.

1:09:15Yeah. I think for four years straight or something. Maybe five. Delta, rightly so, is like, what's all this bullshit? She gets to go every year. Yep. And then I try to say, well, you get a roller skating party. And she's like, that's your party, Dad. She rightly said, that's your party. I didn't have a rebuttal for that. At any rate, I'm like, yeah, she hasn't been to Disneyland in forever. We live so close. You can go. And then she is different than Lincoln. Because when we go, it's me, Charlie, Ace, and Lincoln always. So I'm very dialed in. You know, we're interacting because she's more like probably you when you were a kid, right?

1:09:50She's like pretty glued to me in a great way. Lincoln. Yeah. And then so I asked Delta and she's like, okay. I was, you know, she starts listening virtually her whole class. And I'm like, okay, we got to pare this down. Yeah. So we got it down to four girls. There was four girls. Yeah. And one of the girls got dropped off. And I said, have you met Ryan Hanson? And she's like, no, of course. I just picture an adult asking me when I was a little kid. I know another adult. Of course I don't know Ryan. Anyways, I'm like, well, listen, you think Disneyland is going to be the highlight of this trip.

1:10:23And oh, my friend, you are wrong. It is going to be Ryan Hanson. He's the world's funnest dad ever. He really is. I'm so glad I had him. God, is he a good time. He was a party pumper if people don't remember. People don't know. As an occupation in high school. That's right. professional party pumper and he is not he has not given up the job no he's still on it so uh we left at three and heavy heavy traffic ryan had a playlist oh nice and uh we went down there and we checked into the hotel and as we were checking in the girls are like they're running way ahead of us in the hallway and we're talking about like it's so fun hallways are so fun when you're a kid hotel hallway like you feel like you're running so fast because there's the doors are next to you so they're like whipping by you think you're going 60 miles an hour and it's really soft because it's carpet so it's like irresistible so they're like they're they're they're flying down the thing and i said to ryan i said well i hope this isn't one of those trips you know i said you know you never four girls cannot go to vegas together four girls go to vegas together two of them are going to be on the bottom of the elevator crying drunk at one point going, Becky's such a bitch.

1:11:38She never fucking pays attention. He's so mean to me. Can I tell you how many times the elevator doors have opened in Vegas and I'm watching one girl on the ground crying while the three girls are like... I'm going to blame that more on the alcohol and the... There is an interesting dynamic. Yeah, yeah. Oh, for sure. Four guys go to Vegas. They just never... No one ever ends up No one ever ends up on the bottom of the elevator. Like someone might be over someone's shoulder because they blacked out. Yeah. But there's not really that. Or they're in jail. No one's emotions ever get triggered on the.

1:12:15They're sad emotions. Anger emotions, I think, get triggered. Yeah. That's fair. I just know it can get real messy when you get four. I've been. I mean, I've done that. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare.

1:12:42It's just so funny. Yeah. It's also sleepovers. Girls sleepovers. There's always someone that has to call their mom to go home because they're upset. And there's like a click. Like somehow there's a click. And then everyone like. Oh, yeah. Brutal. Also, the room had, it was two rooms adjoining with a little living room in the middle. Uh-huh. And so one of the rooms had two queen size beds or two, whatever that size is that you get in a room with two beds. And then the other room had a king size bed. And before we left and all talking about it, I was like, this is great. Ryan will sleep with his daughter.

1:13:18I'll sleep with my daughter. The other two girls will sleep in a king size bed. Bob's your uncle. Great. Okay. So five minutes into being in the hotel room, that's not going to be the plan. They all want to sleep together in the same room. And I'm like, yeah, that does make sense. Yeah. But then, you know. Then it's you and Ryan have to bear. Well, yeah. So Ryan's like, oh, yeah, I'll sleep on the couch. I'm like, you don't have to sleep on the couch. I sleep in bed with Aaron. We can sleep in the king's ice bed. Oh, but why didn't you guys just each take a queen and the girls take the king? Four and the king?

1:13:53There's only one king. Right. You can put four girls in one king's ice bed? Oh, I thought they wanted to all be in the same bed. In the same room. Oh. So they've commandeered the room with two beds, which I thought Ryan and I were going to be. Got it. But no, now the dads are sleeping together. And Ryan and I both are gassy. Like, I'm already thinking. Oh, no. Yeah. Like, and Ryan would admit this. Yeah. In my family, I'm the gassiest. I'll own that. And I often, I have a thing called out and away. And you know about out and away. Anytime we're together and I got a toot, dad goes outside the house and I pull my pants down and I fart.

1:14:35And then I pull my, and that's out and away. And then I pull him back up. That way none of the toot is in my clothes when I walk back inside. I could not be more courteous about this. The paparazzi is going to catch you doing this one day. Well, I'd be proud to stand by out and away. It's a great policy. If you're a dad, you's out and away. You just step out the front door. You can even spread your cheeks if you want to make sure everything is away. What if poop comes out? Out isn't the most important part. It's the away. Out and away. So I'm thinking, fuck me. And we do have a little balcony.

1:15:05As you already can tell, it's a very privileged trip. We have a great room. We've got a balcony and we have a shared living room. So, okay. And I'm like, so I know, and Ryan would be the first to admit this. He farts twice as much as I do. He farts a lot. He's a big, big farter. Yeah. And what I applaud about it. Oh, that's even cute. Someone tooted on the ride up. Oh, a kid. And someone's like, who farted? And the dead quiet. And I go, gang, it doesn't matter who farted, but definitely someone shit their pants. But it doesn't matter who. And then Delta's like, I think it's the smell from outside.

1:15:38And I rolled the window down and I go, no, it's definitely not that. And then, but I'm saying no one has to take responsibility. Like I go, we don't need to shame anyone. We all toot. And Ryan's like, you know, I'd admit it. And I'm like, I do know that about Ryan. He's so good about that. As much as he does fart, he also takes responsibility every time. OK, if I'm a girl in that car. Yeah, I'm so like I right now. They were going to suss it out. No, Delta is perfect. She did the exact right thing that you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be like, it wasn't anyone in here. It was outside smell.

1:16:11We don't need to trade on lies. We can run it this head on and we can just go. We don't need to single anyone out and embarrass anyone. It's embarrassing when you toot. That was my point. Oh, my God. I'm really proud of her. See, now you don't sell me a fake reality. If I'm the person who didn't fart, I'd be like, bullshit. It's not from outside. No, Dax. Everyone can just be like, yeah, it's outside smell. Oh, yeah. It's really smelly out there and in here too now. Yeah, that's what you do for your friends. God. It was the dog. There's no dog in the car. Anywho, I am thinking this is going to be an interesting evening with Ryan and I sharing the same.

1:16:48But Aaron toots a lot, right? He does. But as you know, I don't care about his. I have passed that. So you're not there yet with Ryan. No, because I didn't like grow up sharing a room with Ryan. His farts still smell like farts to me. Ah, okay. Aaron is just like, oh, Aaron's around. That's comforting. One time we were all together and Aaron farted and I. You were mad. I was mad about it. Yeah. Was it in the RV? Yeah. It was the same weekend he kept everyone up from sleeping. It was a real one-two punch. and I remember being like, I've never, I've never smelled this smell before. Absolutely. We were just talking about it with the kids.

1:17:27They were saying my farts are bad and I said, they are. I said, but you know, Aaron's are significantly worse. His are, or that one time. I only, I've only experienced it once, but yeah, you weren't like even paying any attention. No, this was an ongoing joke when we all worked together. Me and all my friends worked for my mom because we were constantly in cars sitting at airports waiting for journalists to come. Right. So we were in cars so much together. Yeah. And Aaron would fart. And our thing with Aaron was that a doctor would be able to smell this fart and go, oh, yeah, you have cancer. Like we were like, something medically is going wrong with you.

1:18:03And a good doctor would be able to tell what's. And then we always had this joke, too, that Aaron needed a frame off restoration. That's when, like, the car's so trash. You got to pull it all apart. You got to start. Like a page one rewrite. Yeah, so our thing was that the doctor would smell his fart and say, I'm so sorry, but you need a frame off restoration. We gotta go down to the frame and strip the rust off. Yeah. Anywho, poor Aaron. He just got caught in this. I'm sorry, Aaron. Anyway, so we're gonna sleep together. Okay. Yeah. And then, sure enough, someone comes in. What are you guys wearing?

1:18:37We were nude. No, but were you wearing, like, boxers, both of you? I have pajama pants and a wife beater. Okay. And what did he sleep in? I think boxers and a T-shirt. Oh, my God. Did you get butterflies? No. No, but weird things were happening. I'll tell you weird things did happen. But, of course, someone comes in. Again, we're not going to name names. It doesn't matter who farted. But we are told that the sleeping arrangement is not going to work out. Two people don't want to sleep with each other. And I'm like, we'll figure it out. I don't know what you guys think is going to happen. We're not sleeping on the ground.

1:19:12Right. You know. Yeah. But so on, so on. And I go, yeah, that's y 'all's problem. Like, there are two beds. See, it is Vegas. Two of you can definitely sleep in this bed together. Yeah. So I think someone ended up getting couch cushions and sleep. Yes, yes. I'm saying these girls. They didn't. Because why? Who knows? Who knows what goes on with you guys? Oh, I feel bad for the person who the other person didn't want to sleep with. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I just knew. i know the limits of my skill set and there's no way i was going to be able to figure that out for those four do you think this all started with the fart it was like oh i know she farted i'm not sleeping in a bed with her could have been i don't know reap what you sow you fart in a closed uh loop system that's why you always say it's outside smell god okay so then that's bad but i don't want to put too big of a point it's not it wasn't a big everything worked out fine they all slept in that bedroom.

1:20:13Okay. And it was, so it all worked out, but I was like, here we go. Yeah. We go out at night into downtown Disney. Okay. Wonderful dinner. It was so fun. We're sitting like in the little courtyard, great people watching. Are they getting along? The girls. Oh yeah. Everyone's getting along. Everyone's having a great time. Walked around, um, just had a blast. So watch these little girls skip and run all around. So much fun. Yeah. I was so happy for them. And then we went to bed. And I'm going to tell you, for whatever reason, I didn't have much. I didn't have to out and away much, which was a blessing.

1:20:51Okay. Only like one or two times. On my end, it's going to be fine. What's that? Like one or two times. I outed and awayed once in the bathroom. Okay. Yeah. But in an evening here at home, I'm out and away six times. You are? Sure. I'm also in a phase, as you know, I've picked up my fiber intake a lot. And that has radically affected how much out in a ways we do. Okay. You used to have a fart pillow for people who don't remember. At the old house when I was a bachelor, yeah. It was a leather couch. You can't get away with anything on a leather couch. That was the problem. Tactical blunder. And it's so weird because dudes like leather couches more than anyone.

1:21:29I know. Guys are like, give me a leather couch. Let me make fun of guys for a while. Okay. Oh, the leather's tough. Let me get a cool leather. It's like a leather jacket, but it's a couch. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, it is uncomfortable. And your farts ricochet off of them. Oh, gross. Okay, anyway, so you only had one out and away in the bathroom. And then what happened with Ryan? Well, then we got in bed and we started watching TV together. And we were casting, but it wasn't working all that hot. So then we were relegated back to cable TV, which is great. It's fun in a hotel room because I don't flick through channels.

1:22:02It is fun. I agree. We gave a couple things a shot. We bailed early. That was good. And then we got to two 30 for 30s. Oh. Love 30 for 30. Me too. And we turn on one. There's one about basketball and there's one about a football player. I'm like, well, I think Ryan likes football more than basketball. So let's watch the football one. Turn that on. And right away, the player, he's like, Christian. And I go, oh, yeah, he's a Christian? He goes, yeah, every time the guy played, my dad was like, he's a Christian. And I said, would your dad call out Christians? And he's like, oh, yeah, like anyone he knew.

1:22:35And I was like, that's great. Yeah. Well, then lo and behold, every single interview was in a church. Oh, wow. Turns out this guy was a pastor, this NFL football player. Oh. And then it turns out this entire 30 for 30 is about him being a pastor. Oh. And I was like, hold on. I come for sports. Like if someone's religious, that's not worthy. I don't need to see how religious someone is as a documentary. I need to see like the impossible sport accolade. That's why I watch it. Well, to be fair, there is a 30 for 30 on OJ. And it is a little sports, but it's a lot of murder. You can give me murder in place of sports achievement.

1:23:13Okay. But you can't give me someone's like devotion to a book. Okay. That's fair. And it's not, again, we're talking about uniqueness. In this country right now, there's 200 million practicing Christians. So clearly being a Christian isn't worthy. It doesn't select for anything. Yeah. NFL, you're already one in whatever you are, one in 10 ,000. Then if you're a legendary player, you're one in, you know, the numbers. If you're a murderer, very few murderers. Thank God. Knock on wood. All to say, I said, I see what you're doing, Ryan. God's intervening right now. And somehow he made a 30 for 30 that's singularly about Christianity.

1:23:56We're having fun with that because Ryan's a very devout Christian. He is. And I'm not. But he's very, he's not trying to prostitutize. He's not judgmental. He doesn't, no, he's never tried to convince me I should be one. No. But then my joke becomes that he has orchestrated this whole thing. Of course. All to say, I didn't experience any issues. Okay. Olfactory-wise. Okay. But he did tell me when we woke up that he had woke himself up with a fart that was so loud of his. And I was like, oh man, man, I was just out cold, I guess, breathing it. Well. because he it woke him up monica i can imagine like the top sheet like billowed up like i was just like oh man i was fucking huffing away when i was this is why i don't this is why i'm afraid to fall asleep because i'm so vulnerable oh my god i couldn't protect myself you're the one that said eating farts you recently said eating farts makes you healthier smelling your own farts a scientist i didn't say that a scientist said that so you just got some extra hell i don't know if he's eating his is so there was no issue other than i'm glad you didn't smell it as you know i can barely sleep under completely ideal circumstances right i yeah so like foreign room kept woken up then next to a man oh i'm next to a man oh it's my friend ryan oh i'm on this vacation.

1:25:21Everything's cool. Yeah. I don't. I don't like sleeping in the in a bed with anyone anymore at all. Like so I'm kind of impressed that you guys I mean, I guess you had to do it. You do what you got to do. You got to do. But it's so hard to like really fall asleep when there's somebody else in the bed. I worry about this if I have a future husband. I might go ahead and just start from scratch us not doing that. Not sleeping in the same bed. You'll want it at the beginning for sure. I mean, I want to, but I want all this stuff before. And then, but just right when I'm sleeping, can they leave? Okay, yeah.

1:26:01If they are like me, that would work out perfect because I probably would be awake longer. But actually, no, because in the night, there might be like a fun cuddle. Okay, forget it. I take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think for some period, you'll definitely want that. And then for some other period, you'll be like, But I'm going to be worried about farting. About you farting. But Monica, you cannot get married and still have this fart thing. You have to fart in front of your husband. No, I'm not going to. Your life will be miserable. Erica doesn't fart in front of Charlie. She never has. He says, I've never heard or smelled her fart.

1:26:35I think Eric has that same claim. Exactly. It can be done. They must be doing out in a way. You can't out in a way in the bed. No, you have. The whole point is you go out. Right. I know. And then you get the guests away from you and your fabrics. And then you return. I'm worried about in the night. Yeah. That's okay. So I wouldn't out and away because I'd be asleep. But. That's true. Like what happened to Ryan. Well, you know, he woke himself up. I know, but he was farting in the night. But I didn't wake up. So like your husband won't even know you're in and inside you. I want to tell a story, but I'm not going to say who.

1:27:05So my friend tried to out and away in the bathroom. Yeah. And it was. it was so loud okay was it Jess? it was so loud no it was so loud no this is a female friend it was so loud that her husband thought she was throwing wow that's spectacular well I'm trying to think of how a fart would sound if it also sounded like I think he must have just woken up and heard like a loud noise coming from the bathroom. He was asleep. Okay. And then he thought. I'm trying to think how he. He probably just was like, oh, and then she's in the bathroom and I heard this loud noise. So she's probably throwing up. See, that is the problem with holding them as long as you do.

1:28:02When they come out, it's going to sound like someone's vomiting. if you're letting them out here and there that pressure won't build up to that level I'm going to a different room I can't go in a hotel with my husband I can't do anything

1:28:18oh it's so scary to be a person he won't care I know you can't convince yourself of that this is a ding ding ding it is yeah because this is for Kaylee Cuoco Uh-huh. Oh, this is perfect. It's perfect because we were talking about separate rooms sleeping. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just going to say I'm for it. Yeah, sure. I'm for not feeling nervous that you're going to have to fart in the night. Uh-huh. Nocturnal. Because if I do fart, which is almost never, it is in the night or the morning. Wow, you're in morning suits. In my bed. That's just my own personal life. This is my personal time. Hey, Rob, does Natalie fart?

1:29:09Hey, Natalie. Have you ever, have you ever, how about this? Have you ever heard her fart? So we do not fart in front of each other, but I have heard her fart when she sleeps. Oh, my God. Rob, you don't fart in front of your wife? No, we don't. Wow, see? Dax, I think it's more common than you think. What is going on, you guys? Why do you think you fucking get married so you can be your full self? That's the whole point. Look, I do understand that. I do understand that argument. And I would want someone to accept my farts. But I would accept farts. I know I would. But I don't trust that people will accept mine.

1:29:49That's right. And that's just. That's the work you need to do with your therapist. You need to bring into her that you feel unworthy of love if you fart. Or I have to marry like a troll. Or my dad whose nose, he couldn't smell. Oh, that's cool. You should put that on your Tinder thing. Like, what are you looking for? Someone that can't smell? Think how off-putting that would be. Bad sense of smell, yeah. Because you'd be like, oh, they reek. They smell so bad. Rob, what are you doing with your farts? I just, I don't fart that much. I don't think Rob is gassy. I've never smelled his fart. He never farts in here.

1:30:26Oh, my God. She's lactose intolerant, though, so. Oh. Well, she's Asian. But then he's saying she farts a lot. She's got stomach problems a lot. Then it's not fair, Rob. She can't stay away from dairy. It's not like a spoken thing. We just never... I know, but Rob, I don't think it's fair to her that you get to smell her farts and she doesn't get to smell you. Do you think he's not farting in his sleep and she hasn't heard it and smelled it? We'll have to ask her. There's no way it's a one-way street. Well, he doesn't have lactose intolerance. We just don't let it rip That's fair I think a lot of people don't What about in front of your sons?

1:31:06Yeah, the boys will all fart in front of each other You do? But then when mom comes in, everyone's gotta tighten it up Oh, this is a weird, okay I mean, it's boys It's boys though It's poison? No, it's boys It is poison Did you think that's what that song meant? That girl is poison for farts. Oh my God. Well, your, yeah, I look, I think it's aspirational. I do got to put a, because we're transitioning as we should into the facts, but I just want to say we avoided the Vegas thing. The day went great. It's complicated going to the theme park with four kids that are 10 and 11 because there's, there's varying levels of bravery.

1:31:51I'll call it. I want you're going to ride. And then the pressure of, I didn't ride it. Now, they wrote it and then we talked one of them into writing something. Oh, pure pressure. Yeah, and it didn't go as good as we were all hoping for. Yep. And then by the end of the day, everyone was absolutely exhausted, as you can imagine. But we had an incredible time. Good. Disneyland's so fun. You know the part that was so funnest? What? I feel like I'm never there at night. Oh, yeah. It's so fun. Oh, it's so magical at night. Yeah, it is magical. There's so many cute lights lit up everywhere. And I was like, I could just walk around.

1:32:30That's a ride for me. It's just walking around. And we did Soarin' twice. We bookend. I like bookending the day at Disney with Soarin'. That's nice. It's Soarin' over the world right now, which is often Soarin' over California. Yeah. Both have incredible merits. Okay. I do get nauseous on that ride. You do? Well, that's a bummer because that's one of my faves. It's okay. I just won't join at the beginning. And Putty narrates the beginning. remember that he's like put the belt through the buckle who's putty no putty from seinfeld patrick warburton he narrates it and he says put your belt through the buckle you know he's got that very specific cadence that's fun speaking of seinfeld i saw just really quickly i saw a post on it's like a teaser or something i don't know but it was just a picture from a upcoming Super Bowl commercial.

1:33:21And it is for Duncan. And it has obviously one of my boyfriends, Ben. And he's talking to Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston. And then the Seinfeld character. But I want to remove that from the story. Because I'm like, what is happening here? My worlds are colliding. Cross-pollination. Of my earliest loves. Yeah. That's weird, right? Okay. Kaylee Facts. Is there a movie about the Dole founder David Murdoch? No. There is no major commercial feature about him. Ding, ding, ding. We had the Dole Whip at Disneyland. Oh, so good. Kaylee has a two-year-old cane course. The most delicious corn dog of my life.

1:34:13Oh. Because I'm on this new probiotic. I've been dancing a little bit. yeah and i had a fucking big outrageously monstrous corn dog yesterday and it was so and you didn't have any weird i don't think so yeah again baby steps i'm not going crazy but i did have a big delicious honking corn dog this cures your gluten i'm gonna completely i'm gonna what are you gonna eat like what's the first what's your first meal back i mean i miss pasta so much there's so many great i mean i don't even feel like i always have been on the even skin test garlic. Oh, really? So I don't know if that's leaky gutter.

1:34:48But what if it does? Oh, fuck. I would eat the ass out of some garlic. Chimichurri. Oh, chimichurri. Grilled chicken with chimichurri. Okay. Kaylee has a two-year-old cane corso dog and said they are huge. How big? Cane corsos. Weight varies by sex. Cane or king? I thought they were king corsos. They're cane corsos? Cane. Cane? Oh, I've had that wrong the whole time. Oh, that's fun. It's like Fidelity. Ding, ding, ding. Aaron's farts. Acorn. Um, males typically weighing 99 to 110 pounds and females 88 to 99 pounds. Though some American standards allow for larger sizes with males reaching 110 to 140 pounds and females 85 to 115.

1:35:30Oh, they're scary looking dogs. In my opinion. I am scared of that. I'm scared of that. Yeah. Cause they look like. They look like a mix between a pit bull and a great name. I'm going to have a nightmare. A great bull. If I get one of those, though, no one will eat me. Other than him, yeah.

1:35:51Although he kind of looks sweet in the eyes, in the droopiness. He actually looks sad in the eyes. He does. He looks sad. He's like, why do I look so threatening? Because I'm just a nice boy with chopped ears. I don't like what they did to his ears. I know. They chop all these dogs' ears off. Why do they do that? I can't judge because I'm circumcised, but still. Oh, wow. that's not an inviting okay Rob put a dog up that's very scary looking it has blood in its mouth it's just salivating everywhere it's got foam it's got rabies it's rabid and then it has this huge collar around it that's more like a horse what do they call those look how muscular its body is horse yoke and then it's got a thick chain anchoring it to the ground because no one can go near it no thank you Can you binge Kaylee's new show Vanished?

1:36:42Vanished is out now on MGM Plus with the first episode having premiered on Sunday, February 1st, 2026. New episodes then release weekly. Weekly. Weekly. You know how I feel about weekly. I know, I know, I know. Okay, and we want to show a picture of her zonkey. Oh, because she did come through and she sent us a picture. And the zonkey is much prettier than I was expecting. Yeah. Because let's be frank. Donkeys aren't the most pretty animals. They could be prettier. But that's, you know, they have other assets. Yeah, they're stubborn. Yeah. They're loud and they kick. No, don't they like carry stuff?

1:37:20They're indomitable. Yeah. They're so strong pound for pound donkeys. They'll like, yeah, they'll carry Wanvel Dez's coffee right up the side of the Andes Mountains. Never even ask for water. Aw. Yeah. But this zonkey is actually quite pretty and feminine looking. And its legs are striped and they're really cool. Yeah, it's beautiful. I recommend everyone go watch the fact check so you can see this zonky. The zonky. And that's all the facts. That's all the facts. That is a zonky. Oh, stop showing us that, Rob. I would be so fearful of that zonky if that dog was around in the mix. I know, but I wonder how fast that zonky could go.

1:37:55It looks like that dog was wearing a yoke. I couldn't think of the name of that. I don't know what that is. That's what you put over the head of a bull or something. better keep it in i mean whatever i'm not bless humans they're like you know what we want to control these animals why and we're not afraid we're gonna figure out how like how on earth are we managing bulls and i'm not saying now because now you got factory farming that's let's not get hung up on how disgusting that is right i'm saying more back we have been we have been hurting animals that are way bigger than us i know for thousands of years arrogance but it's not arrogance because we do it yeah but people do die yeah in the process we lose some we lose some all right um all right i love you