Lizzo

23:27And my dad was like a very superstitious kind of person and he had already been feeling weird. And when that happened, he was like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like that was a sign that we shouldn't be going to these churches. So my family stopped going to church when I was very young. all together. I'm the only one who continued to pursue church and congregation. And eventually with my best friend, I found a church and it was very small and we would go together. And it was so small that like we would have to move locations. He would rent out buildings and sometimes they wouldn't make rent.

23:59So we would move to another building, but wherever we were, we would always come together. It would be the same congregation. We would sing and we would play and it was very, very grassroots. And I loved it because I was hanging out with my best friends on the weekend. But I also loved it because it gave me a place to be sacred. I crave that. Yeah. I think it's important. And so how did you do with the other kids in the school? You said they were country. Were you in a rural area? Maybe I was in the SWAT. I was in the Southwest A-Leaf, Texas, which is Southwest of Houston. So this is Houston and the H, as we like to say.

24:32And then there's the north side, south side, west side with Katy. And then there's east side, which we don't really go over there because that's basically Louisiana. And I was down here in the SWAT. Okay. So it's all the greater Houston area, but we was in the SWAT down here. Mind you, 30 years prior, it was all cows in that area. Okay. So there's still fields. Down Highway 6, there's just fields. Old plantations. Yeah. Prisons, which are plantations. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Very much that. And so when we moved into our neighborhood, we were the second house. I remember when the neighborhood was being built and our house was being kind of put up, it was all grass.

25:14And then it developed really quickly and it became real country urban. The culture moved very quickly. My sister, older than me, we went to the same high school. Elsick was very kind of artsy. By the time I got there, it was the trap. Wow. Like, it took four years for it to be the trap. It was fun, though. I loved high school. Middle school is where it was rough. You was out here cracking and shit. That was my, funny enough, Monica was born in 87. You were born in 88, 42788. And that is my peak year of my entire life. And I've had a charmed life. But seventh grade is the best year of my whole life.

25:50It went all downhill in high school. What happened in high school? Okay, so in eighth grade, I was 5 '11", 160. In ninth grade, I was 6 '3", 150. So I lost 10 pounds, grew four inches. This nose came in, but this all didn't come in. So it was just a huge nose, terrible hairdo. My brother had me get a perm, and it was long and bad with a perm up top. Huge nose, acne, rake figure. It just was a bummer. Brand new school. What's wrong with being tall? It's okay if you're tall unless you're 150. And 6 '3", that's not enough weight on that frame. You feel me? Yeah, I was real beanpole-y. Oh, so they were calling you beanpole and shit.

26:32Well, I fought. You were fighting them? Yeah, I fought. Yeah, man. Body shaming goes both ways. Of course. Nobody likes what they got, period. Yeah, but also, if somebody's mean enough, they'll find a way to make fun of you. Oh, of course. If you would have talked about my nose, I was devastated, right? Or my acne. Or I remember it was my shoes. They would be like, oh, slouchy shoes. Your shoes slouch. I'm like, why did you say that? How did you go? And also, that means nothing. What does that mean? What's a slouchy shoe? I don't even know. I have wide feet. So my shoes would kind of slouch on the sides.

27:04And it's like, back then, I, you don't even know, I used to bind my feet. I found out like Cambodian women would like bind their feet. In middle school, I was binding my feet with tape so that my shoes wouldn't slouch so my Air Forces would stay crispy on the side. Because if I had a little slouch on the edge of my Air Forces, somebody would see it and it'd be the end of the world. So you were binding for width. Those gals were binding for length generally. Yeah. I think they're binding all around. They're trying to have the teeniest times. Oh, you've seen those x-rays. It's a hoof. All I did was fuck my feet.

27:34Oh, of course. I had Wistakal ingrown toenails and shit. Oh, okay. I don't have no arch. All right. Actually, I'm realizing that's probably why heels hurt so bad now. I fucked my shit up. No, I think they hurt everybody. They do just hurt. Trying to not be slouchy, girl. But middle school was, I think, the worst. You know, in Detroit, black people, we have what's called the Detroit proper. So if you talk to my cousins, it's like, well, how y 'all doing today? How's everybody doing? God bless you. Amen. Amen. But in Houston, everyone's very country. And if you don't talk very country and you talk proper, you talk white.

28:11So I was getting the white girl. I liked anime. I wasn't wearing my hair like the other girls. You got Cambodian feet. I had Cambodian bounce feet. Yeah, you're talking like Cambodian feet. Oh, my goodness. My interests were just different. Japanese interests. Yes. And this was before liking anime was cool because now liking anime is just so standard. Yeah. Thank you, Pharrell. Pharrell made it cool. But like before that, it was like, why do you like that weird stuff? I didn't conform. I didn't shave my legs because my mom and my sister, they don't shave their legs. So I didn't learn how to shave my legs.

28:44And I still, to this day, don't really need to shave my legs. But the girls were like, your legs are hairy. Why don't you shave your legs? You're weird. And I'm like, why are y 'all just finding anything to say about me? So most of my bullying was middle school. That was the brunt of it. But it was also the height of my delusion. So I didn't really notice because I was in a fantasy world. Yes, me too. Like I couldn't find my clothes after gym one day. And I was like, hmm, my clothes just disappeared. No, girl, they took your clothes and threw it on top of the locker so you wouldn't find it. So you'd be walking around in your gym clothes all day.

29:13Okay, so you were saved by your obliviousness sometimes. That's the word. Because I'm oblivious to this day. I can't pick up on certain signals. I'll be like, wow, how did that get past me? That can be a blessing. Yeah, it might be. It can save you a lot of pain. It might be learned. It might not be something you just are. Your brain might be protecting you. Yeah, you might also call it disassociation these days. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether someone is actually waving at you before waving back.

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30:59This comes in handy when I go out for a walk or when I'm in the middle of a great podcast. Plus, it has a ton of other features I didn't even know about. Like, did you know, Premium automatically downloads videos from channels you subscribe to? So even when I forget, my content is still right there for me. So if you're like me and you already like YouTube, you're going to love YouTube Premium. Try it now for two months free. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel anytime. This episode is brought to you by ServiceNow. Look, I have my dream job. I get to talk to folks I admire like crazy and ask them virtually any question that I want to.

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33:08I would raise my hand in class and I raised my hand a lot to the point where like the teacher would ignore me I was the only one raising my hand and I remember at one point when I would raise my hand in class they would go, damn! And everyone would start laughing I was like, oh, they're laughing with me like I didn't think anyone was making fun of me I kept raising my hand so I did have a little bit of obliviousness with the teasing but when I look back on it I was like, oh no it was really coming for me. On the other end of the spectrum, there was the very obvious, like, somebody called me fat ass every day.

33:37You know, it's like, what's up, fat ass? I had teachers kind of make fun of me, too, because I have really sweaty hair, y 'all. Well, Houston's a beat down with the humidity. And I would sometimes have to walk to school in humidity because I wasn't far. My brother and sister, my sister has very, very long, curly, mind you, this is a weave, but really long, curly Alicia Keys-like hair, right? So she would always just wake up wet her hair and scrunch it in some mousse. My brother, very same. So he would just scrunch it with some mousse. I'm the last baby. So they would tell me to scrunch my hair with some mousse.

34:08It did not look like that. My hair's way more coarse, way more fine, way more kinky. I got like an actual afro. So I would wake up in the morning, wet my hair and scrunch it with some mousse and look a hot ass mess. And I would put my hair in these little uncombed wet ass ponytails. And I would go to school and be like, this is so embarrassing and I'm putting myself all the way out there. It was not matted. But it would mildew. Because I would sweat in my head. And it was humid at school and my hair was wet all day in the bun. Oh, no, it was in a bun. Was it so itchy? It wasn't itchy, but it was just a wet-ass, mildewy-ass bun.

34:49It was a wab. Wet-ass bun. Yeah, bro, you got that. From the top, make it drop. Anyway. But I had to, like, learn real quick in middle school. Like, my hair's not like my brother and sister's. My hair's not like my mother and father's. My mom had really long hair touching her butt. My dad had a ponytail, Rico Suave. Oh, he did. I'm the only one with an afro. So I'm like, I have to learn how to jazz it up. And I did. I got my first weave the last day of eighth grade. And I remember I was walking through, and it was the last day of middle school, because we were going all to high school. And they were like, oh, Melissa.

35:23Oh, Melissa. So like everybody was gagged. I remember I had this little chocolate brown weave that I glued in myself and my mom helped me glue it and it flipped out the ends like this. I had the little Farrah Foster and I was like, yes. And it was very sandy in Greece. Like, what's up? And they were like, wow, she's actually pretty. Wow, she actually looks nice when she does her hair. And so I took that energy and went from Melissa to Lizzo. And so it was a big reset for high school. You were shaving your legs. You had your hair right. Yes. Shaving my legs for no reason, by the way. Just to fit in.

35:54We didn't have any. There's no hair. Just to finish. And we stopped binding our feet in high school? We stopped binding our feet. We started getting wider shoes. I think I switched from Air Forces to, what's the one, the strap? The Reebok? Adidas? No, no, no. What's the one, that Filos? Oh, Filos. I don't wear Filos. Oh, yeah. Because I had a little rounder situation. I was like, I'm in the Filos. Like, y 'all don't know about this. Y 'all don't know nothing about this. I wore lugs. You were bringing it back to Run DMC. Exactly. That's what they wore. Filos. Is that what they wore? I thought it was my Adidas.

36:23They did have my. Yeah, see, you're wrong. Look at you. No, hold on. Uh-oh. I want to say they switched to filas. Anyways, in the fact check. We'll do that for the fact check. Yeah, we'll do it for the fact check. Okay, so you start playing the flute at 10 years old. Yeah, fifth grade. Fifth grade, and you play all the way through to college. You go to college. But even before that, at 14, you form the Corn Row Click. Corn Row Click. How many of you? Three? There was four of us. Okay. And you were rapping? I was rapping. So flute and rap happening simultaneously. Flute first, rap second. And then you went to University of Houston.

37:00Go Cougs. To major in? Music, performance, and flute. Okay. And you did, what, three years there? I did about one and a half years before I chickened out. It didn't correlate with your father dying. Yes, they were very close together, though. Yeah, no, it was same time. Okay. Same time. Yeah. That would explain it. But it was like I dropped out and then he passed around the same time. It was like a year before he passed. I dropped out. And what can I ask why he died of? That's a great question. I don't know. How old was he? I think he was like 53. Yeah, way too young. He was a baby. Like when I think about it now, I'm like, oh, my God.

37:38Oh, yeah. That's in five seconds. He had had strokes. Hypertension. Yeah, yeah. Hypertension. He had congestive heart failure. But like was always trying to like manage that. And honestly, he was like doing better. and I was actually shocked. So it was quite sudden. You didn't have any sense that was coming. And were you guys close? I would consider myself a daddy's girl. You dedicated the book to him. I did. He told me that I was going to be a great flute player before I even thought I would be a great flute. He was like super into the flute. And mind you, this is somebody who was very strict on his kids because he wanted us all to be very successful.

38:15My brother, he was like, you have to do football. My brother's like 6 '5", like in high school. And he was like, no, you're going to play football. And my sister, he's like, you're going to do this. And they kind of rebelled. My sister and my brother wanted to do more arts. My brother, he can draw. He's like super talented. And my sister is extremely talented in music and arts. And they wanted to do that. And I wanted to do this flute thing, which is music and arts. And I was like, sure, he wasn't going to fuck with it. But he was like, no, this is great. Do this, do this, do this. And am I wrong real quick?

38:44I can name like seven great jazz saxophone players. I can probably name like eight great trumpet players, even clarinet. I can't think of a real famous flutist, right? You know, black people, we don't say Chris Martin. We say Coldplay. So he would always say, you got to be like Jethro Tull. Okay. But I didn't realize, I thought his name was Jethro Tull. It's just a band. Yeah, that's common though. His name is Ian Anderson. But my dad would always be like, you're going to be like Jethro Tull. So yeah, I think that was a big part of it. because A, there was a huge gap for what I provided. Oh, I just realized why you're saying Jethro Tull.

39:19A heavy flute in Jethro Tull. Yeah, the Ian Anderson. He's the flute player. Yeah, and my dad would be like, you're going to be like Jethro Tull. I thought that was a black man because Jethro is a black athlete. Yeah, especially down in Houston. So I said, oh, Jethro. I'm going to be like Jethro and then I'm like, so I will always say that I just got a book of Ian Anderson flute solos. And I'm like, oh, that's his name. It's crazy. But like that was our only kind of contemporary flute person that we knew of because everything else, there was the classical side that I was super into. Like Sir James Galway is my hero.

39:52So there was that side. But you think about Yo-Yo Ma, besides Sir James, where is the Yo-Yo Ma of flute now where you're going on late night shows and shit? Yeah. Yeah. I can't think of a super famous flutist. Is it flautist? Flutist? Yo, my whole life, I grew up, it was flautist. Yeah. Literally, recently, I'm telling you, right after college, it was like, it's actually flutist. I think that's a Mandela effect. I think it switched from flautist to flutist. Yeah. Because I remember us being like, no, no, no, it's flautist. Correcting people. Yeah. And now it's flutist. Okay. Tomato, tomato, flautist, flutist.

40:30Hello. Flutist sounds better. It sounds more fancy. I'm going to say I'm a flautist. Like flaunting, too. It shares some DNA with flaunting. There's a little magic. But if I'm around, if I was in a group of flute players, I would say flutist. Because I would be afraid to be looked down upon. Sure. Okay, well, they need to look up to you. Yes, but then talking to the layperson, you might say flautist. Yeah, a muggle. A muggle, yeah. A muggle like us. A non-music reading individual, yeah. Well, that Harry Potter punched through everything, didn't it? God, it got me. It got everyone, didn't it? It's universal.

41:00Wait, what happened? Oh, just my reference? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just everyone gets it immediately. When you're at y 'all's age, you love Harry Potter. It had no borders. Someone asked me recently, why do you like Harry Potter so much? But it was such a young person asking a millennial. And I was like, oh, my God, this is like a moniker of what our generation. What was your answer? Because it's to me quite obvious. He did ask me because we went to the Harry Potter Universal Studios. We were eating the Harry Potter food. And I was like, well, because I read the books. And I was like, and I was present when the movies were coming out.

41:32And it was like a really big deal. And he was like, so when did the books come out? And he was looking up the year. And I was like, don't look up the year. Because he wasn't even born yet. He was like, 1997. I was like, don't look at that. Or does my kids say the 1900s? No, literally. I was like, no, it was like 2005. Like, that's when the last book. Yeah. I was in line for the last book. I was also in line. At the Barnes and Nobles? That's part of it, yes. Or like sometimes you pre-order them, but you have to get in line. But I think part of it is because our generation, we were their age. Yes.

42:01Give or take a couple years, but the main characters were our age. So we were growing up with them. Yeah. Y 'all, the reason it was so successful is the same reason that you love Good Will Hunting. Any story about someone who's normal and average and finds out they're incredibly special is the most wish fulfillment-y story. Not even normal. They're downtrodden, right? It's like it's worse than— Yeah, he's getting shit on by that terrible family he lives with. and then you find out, no, I am special. I kind of had a hunch I was special. And we all feel that way. We all think like, I think I'm special.

42:37Why doesn't anyone see it? So this book is about someone seeing how special you are and then getting to go with the other special folks. And we also want to find our tribe. So it's like, it's also. I feel like every story has that. It's a Cinderella story. But I don't think, you know, I think you could go, it's the magic, but that's just the fun stuff. But the real human stuff is like, hey, I'm really special. Why doesn't anyone see that? Like if you want a successful children's story, start with child who doesn't feel special. Give them purpose. Make them feel special. Not eat a flute. And then add your own magic to it.

43:12I think that's the true story of childhood and growing up. Yeah. And by the way, we all deserve to feel special and be seen as special, but it doesn't happen. And the more relatable your hero is, the more you can see yourself in it. And that's why I wrote Lil Izzo Me Sasha B. Fluting. Yes. Even the kids we thought didn't feel that way felt that way. You know, even the kids that were in the cool clique, there were four kids cooler than them and they couldn't figure out why. You know, it's kind of a universal human. We all just think everyone knows what's going on, feels like they've got it figured out, but no one does.

43:45Those kids, like the cool kids who are fortunate to be cool and feel special at that age, I think eventually, though, they have to learn how to find their special that's not external validation. Exactly. And oh, because you're so hot or because you're just so effortlessly cool. You're just the guy. They have to figure that out later in life. I was a nerd, so I didn't have that at the reverse. Yeah, I think that can be harder in some ways when you've lived a whole life with other people telling you something. And then you're like, who am I? Yes. Okay, so back to college, was there a specific thing that had you leave?

44:19Yeah, pressure. College was wild. When you are a music major, you got to wake up at the ass crack of dawn. And you're actually extremely independent. You wake up at the ass crack of dawn. You all have like a big recital that you have to complete midterm and at the end of the year. And so every day you have to log hours in the rehearsal room, which is this scary little room by yourself. Because there's all these rehearsal rooms, but they're pretty thick because. They're like phone booths. Yeah, because you don't want to bleed the sound. Everyone's rehearsing. So I'm in this room in this old ass building, which I know was haunted.

44:53I hate ISO booths now. When I record music, like I don't go into the booth. Like I record in the control room with everyone else with the microphone. Because you have like PTSD. Yeah, because when I go in those little rooms, I'm like, ah. So I'm just realizing that's what that's from. You weren't even pumped about the size of this room. Too small. You comment it. I'm cool. You like a big space. No, she said the church was this size. Yeah. She likes that. Okay, okay. It wasn't a pejorative. It's not the size. It's what you guys have done with it. And I think you've done a great job. The hidden cameras are a nice touch.

45:26Meta ain't got nothing on y 'all. Yes. Anyways, you're waking up, you're hitting the marching band field at like seven in the morning. It's one band, one sound. Then you break and then you have to go and you got to find a practice room. You got to log hours. You got to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. Then you have to go to like regular fucking school. And that's the part that really pissed me off because I felt like I was in fame. And I was like, I'm waking up and I'm doing music. This is the thing. I'm an independent woman. And then you have to like go to math and English. And I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this again?

45:53Yeah. I did this for 18 years. You needed to go to a conservatory. That was the plan. After U of H, I was going to go to the Paris Conservatory because that's all I wanted to do. And I was kind of getting exhausted of that because then it was like, of course, the conservatoire was great. But then I'm also a jazzy black girl with friends. Yeah. I went to college with close friends. And so there was parties and I was rapping with them and I was in a rap crew. the nightlife and then waking up at seven in the morning. And it was like wanting to be in a sorority and then waking up at seven in the morning.

46:25I felt like I was getting pulled and I was really, really stressed out about it. It was really stressful to me. That was like one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like I just kind of gave up. And then so you had the shame of quitting probably. Do you have regrets about that or no? No. Good. Well, it worked out. But I bet for a year it didn't feel like. For a few years. I just, yeah, gave away my one shot at making a living at this. Yes, for a few years. Because if I had had any other kind of degree, if I was pursuing like a doctor or nursing or teaching, maybe to this day I'd have regrets because I'm like, it'd be nice to have that.

46:59But I was pursuing music performance and flute and now I'm performing music and flute. So I really honestly think I deserve my doctorate. Yeah. I'm sure if you give this speech, they'll give it to you. I played with the National Symphony Orchestra last month. Have they not invited you to give a commencement speech? I would love to do that. University of Houston, get your shit together. Yeah. Duh. Get her down there. Ruckfeist. Honorary doctorate. Give her a doctorate degree. Okay, why Minneapolis? Like, if I'm you and I'm thinking about moving somewhere to pursue music, I guess I'm probably thinking L.A., New York, Atlanta.

47:34Hello. Outside of Prince, why are we going to Minneapolis? Which I wasn't even aware of. I didn't know he lived there. It's a really funny story. I was in the indie side of things. So I wasn't on the industry. Like if I wanted to be an industry girl, maybe I would have moved to New York or L.A. But I was in a rock band at that time. And I had been going back and forth with this producer via Zoom. And I was like writing with him. And he lived in Denver and I was still in this rock band. And I was like, man, working with this guy is pretty cool. And he was like, hey, I'm going to move to Minneapolis.

48:08He was like, you want to come with me and be in my band. I was like Minneapolis. I didn't really think anything of Minneapolis back then as far as like music because I was in my own Houston bubble. I went to South by Southwest that year, which is a music festival in Austin, Texas. And every fucking person I met was from Minneapolis. Oh, really? Every band that performed, every rapper. I was like, where are you from? And they're like Minneapolis. And I would like link up with them and we'd run around and party and have like the best time. And they were like boozing vodka up their ass and like eating Molly off the floor.

48:40Like it was just crazy time. I was like sleeping in my car and then they all like slept in the car with me because that was the only place. We didn't have a hotel room. I was like, these people are fun. And I was like, you know what? I will move to Minneapolis because I had already made a bunch of friends at this festival. And I was like, I'll just link up with them when I get to the Twin Cities. And I did. And I still had my hesitation. And then I played a show there and it was like our first show. Oh my God, the Varsity Club. We played the varsity club. Anyone who knows Minneapolis knows. And I remember I performed.

49:10And afterwards, someone came up to me. It was a girl. And I remember she was like, do you live here? And I was like, no. And she was like, you need to live here. We need someone like you. Oh, wow. And I was like, easy. Okay. And I was like, you don't got to tell me twice. I was like, wow, I felt so appreciated and loved in that community. But, you know, they love on their artists. They love on their local artists. They have such a rich local music scene, especially when I was there. I felt like there was something in the lake water, man. There was rhyme sayers. So there was atmosphere and doom tree.

49:44And you could sell out every venue in the city with just local acts all in one night. And we would like bike and run over to the different venue. I don't know what it is about the Twin Cities, but it's not just the music scene. It's the restaurant culture too. The mom and pop shops, the family owned restaurants. There's so much love and support in that way. It's kinder. It seems like it's kinder than some of these other big cities. Yeah, and it's got like a Portland kind of feel where like they really just give into community. I think it's super, super community based. There's nothing like it.

50:17So you got big there. Yes. You got big. Like you had songs. I was so confused by that. That were big there and they wrote about you there. Yeah. And you kind of were a queen there. I feel like that's a great place to learn how to do all this. I felt very appreciated. I also feel like I was an anomaly because I was this Black girl raised in Kojic Church who could freestyle rap like a Houstonian or like Mike Jones. And I was up in the Twin Cities, just this anomaly of a person. But I could also jam in rock bands and I played the flute. And they were just like, who the fuck are you? Like, you're so weird.

50:55And I was in like 12 bands. You know, I played flute with my friend who was a rapper. I was in this noise band. I was in two girl groups. I was in an electro pop band. I was in so many bands, y 'all. And I would pop up on stage and collaborate with the other rappers. I was doing anything for free. How did you end up recording with Prince? I was on my second girl group. That was fun. Those were the days. But our group was featured in a documentary that was on NPR, The Current. And they were highlighting girl groups. And so it was us. And then Prince also had a girl group, Third Eye Girl. And so we were all in this documentary.

51:34And then I remember we got a call from the radio station. It was just like, hey, somebody wants to work with you. We were like, ooh. The rest was history. Wait, so Prince is using the radio station to book his stuff? That's how he found us. By the way, The Current is an incredible station. It's the NPR station there. And just beloved. When you heard your song on The Current for the first time, it was a big deal. Like we would pull up and we were all in the car together. And the first time they played our song, we turned the volume up and we were like screaming. It's like being on Morning Becomes Eclectic back in the day.

52:07What is that? That was the LA NPR, Morning Becomes Eclectic. Like the Garden State soundtrack was the current running soundtrack of Morning Becomes Eclectic when that movie came out. And the guy who would curate all those songs has now done a lot of music supervision in shows and movies. Because he says impeccable taste. And it was where you would go discover the coolest new bands that would become these huge bands. So I'm imagining it's the same thing as the current. Wait. You're knowing it now? Hold on. You're Garden State? Am I tripping? No, but people think I am. I literally almost passed out.

52:46Wait, this is hilarious. No, my doppelganger is Zach Braff. Zach Braff is starting to stick. I am not Zach Braff. I was sitting, my brain was splitting the tube. Yeah, you started getting scared. Like, fuck, I got the wrong guy. Because I was like, no, whose podcast have I been on this entire time? No, this is great. This happens all the time. He gets asked to take pictures all the time as me and vice versa. And we just do it. And y 'all's names have this. Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach, Brad. White boys with big noses. Rad ass names. That just, you really fucked me up. Don't do that again. You zapped out.

53:16Don't do that again. Anyways, have you seen Scrubs? Let's change subjects. Have you seen Scrubs? No show. Look at that. She's really fucking confused. That's Zach Braff. I'm parenthood and without a paddle. He's punked. No, I know you are. But for a second, I thought I didn't. I said, oh shit. That was confusing. No, you fucked me over intentionally. All right. rewind. You did a great job. You asked. You didn't say like, oh yeah, I love your movie Garden State. I can't cap in my rap. But if you rewatch this tape, you will see. No, the look on your face was very genuine. You got really scared about time space.

53:55You were like, where am I in the universe right now? Genuine broke down. Oh my God. Holy shit. Okay. That's really. Anyways, we're back though, Scrubs. I don't know. Check it out. It's a new season. Yeah, we brought it back. Anywho. Stop. Okay. 2013, First solo album, Lizzo Bangers. This is the one that got really big in Minneapolis in particular, right? Yes, I was able to sell out First Avenue. And the song Batches and Cookies, that one was getting played on like BBC radio. This whole Minneapolis chapter is really fucking cool. Because I don't know if you went to New York, if you would have gotten all this encouragement and like started fortifying your confidence.

54:33Or if you'd gone to LA, if you'd gone to Atlanta. of like, I think there's a special accident that happened that you go to South by, you end up there and then you're loved there and you kind of learn to be loved. You got to learn to be loved. No, you do have to learn to be loved. And I also feel like I never felt like I really belonged anywhere fully as an artist, because when I was in my rap cruise, I was still writing pop music. And then I also was listening to rock. And then when I was in my rock band, I still wanted to shake ass and freestyle rap. And then gospel music don't let you do none of that.

55:08And flute really don't let you do none of that. And then I got to Minneapolis and for some odd reason, all of it was okay. Prince is the fingerprint of the city. And Prince is doing crazy guitar solos on an R &B song in the 80s. He's going to a Bob Seger concert and going, why is that guy in arenas? Oh, he does ballads. I'm going to do ballads. He's a neat, you know, amalgam of all these things. And so I think the vibe is like very embracing of something that's a little left to center or avant garde. So it's like a beautiful place for you to learn to do this. Like weird was okay. Yeah. Right. Right.

55:42And I was like, oh, my God, it's okay to be weird. I would say that all the time. I just feel like Minneapolis, the people there are so supportive of black people. I just felt loved and appreciated for who I was. And I wasn't called white girl. I was actually the blackest person in the room. Who are you kind of country? Like me? Miss white girl? I'm country? I'm hood? Oh, wow. That's a first for me. That's a first for Elmo. But yeah, no, I loved my time. It was magical. At that time when you were kind of a big thing in Minneapolis, did you ever think like, yeah, this is good. Like this would be enough?

56:19Absolutely. Yeah. Oh my God. Like you made it. Making it. I hate to be that person who's like, no, not actually making it. I hate those people, but I have to be very clear about when you're a big deal in Minneapolis, it's not cloudy or fame-like. Literally, it's like, oh, I could play this show and I can pay my bills really well. I can tour and make money and I can give money to my mom. I can help my people out. And if my people need to come stay with me, they can come stay with me and I can eat wherever I want in the nicest restaurants in Minneapolis. No, that's it. Boom. I can fly wherever I want on a nice flight, nice virgin first class sometimes.

57:01It was really that. Did you have a nice car then? Do you care about cars? Hold on. Give me a second. I did not drive for a long time. How the fuck did I get around? Yeah, yeah. How the fuck did I get around in Minneapolis? Did they have buses or a train? I deadass. Can't believe. I'm sitting back and realizing I don't know how I got around because I stopped driving because I had a little. A little DUI sitch? My license. It wasn't a DUI. Okay, sorry. That's a very common reason to lose your license. Forgive me. No, I've never no DUI. Nothing like that. But you know, she was the HPD. They like to fuck with me.

57:35And my license was basically hot for like a decade. My license got unhot when I moved to LA finally. I say, can we figure this out? You're like, let me hire a lawyer to figure this out. So I go to the DMV. I'm scared to go to the DMV. I don't know if that's an experience for y 'all, but I have a fear that if I go to the DMV, I'm going to get arrested and put into prison because I know that can happen to people. That's how you get got. Or they'll be like, hey, everything's fine. You mind just stepping out of the vehicle for a second? Everything's fine. Yeah, yeah. Fucking liar. So anyway, shit was hot for a while.

58:08So boom, right? I'm like, okay, finally have enough money to pay off whatever this weird thing is, why I can't get my license, withhold my license up. I pay it off. My shit's still hot. I was like, chest out, but I finally get a license. I walk up to the other person like, oh no, sorry, you can't get, When, mind you, I'm scared. I'm like, I'm thinking cops have to fly out. U.S. Marshals. They're like, no, you just can't. So there were two Melissa Jeffersons. Two driver's licenses out there with my face and my name. And they both had a record. Oh, my God. Somebody got your ID and started having a good time on the highway.

58:45I, to this day, don't know what happened. Guess what? It's him. It was you, huh? I lost my license three times. I had to do something. Oh, my God. Imagine the gag. She's like, is that crap? But so I finally paid that one off and now I can drive. So I did not have a car. I did not drive in Minneapolis. I rode in the back of people's cars. You know what, Minneapolis? I love you so much. I rode in the backseat of people's cars. I slept on people's couches. I slept on people's floors and futons and guest rooms. I ate meals that y 'all cooked. I ate free poutine for playing shows, drank free beer for playing shows.

59:21That city really did take care of me. Pabst, Blue Ribbon. PBR. Huge in the North. PBR. That's right. PBR in the South, too. Is it? I think it's just big. Yeah, when you're driving, I've driven a motorcycle across the northern part of the country. And when you're going through Wisconsin, people can have a bar in their house. Like the liquor license is very weird. And everyone has a Pabst Blue Ribbon sign hanging off their porch. Yeah, they love that shit. And in Minnesota, we get a bit of that, too. You do get a little bit of PBR, right? Yeah, yeah. And then there's Tecate down South. Tecate, Lone Star.

59:50Beer, right? Beer. I don't think people fucking with beer no more. In the South, they're still, they're going to breweries and stuff. I was just there. You was at a brewery? I was about to say, something's wrong with people who go to breweries, but I don't want to judge. I don't mean to judge, but... You don't need to judge. It's like, why do you want to taste nasty after nasty after nasty? I agree. I don't like beer, but my friends still like it, who are there. I carbonated piss. It doesn't taste good. We're having our first dust stop, because you're wrong. Beer's delicious. It's been with us for millennia.

1:00:20He does have a beer coming. So has shit. Like, I'm like, nasty things have been around for a long time. That's a fair. I'm sorry. I don't know if that's a good comp. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But beer is delicious is a crazy statement. Okay. Beer's never been delicious. The only time beer is delicious is a crispity, fucking crunchity Blue Moon with some orange juice. I do like Blue Moon. Okay, so I guess you do like it. With orange juice. Mm-hmm. Okay. You got to sweeten it up a little bit. Orange slice will suffice. I will squeeze the orange peel and then dump a bunch. But you don't actually need Tropicana dumped in there.

1:00:52You just want the orange slice. I don't need, but I need that orange flavor. You want a little citrus pop. I can do that. I can do a little citrus pop, a little sweetness. Sure, sure, sure. A little sweetness. They call it a Colorado mimosa. Oh, that's what it is. Okay. Nice. And you'll fuck with that. I'll fuck with that. Yeah. Okay, good. I want to talk about something important. Okay, okay, come on. So in 2014, in the wake of Lizzo Bangers, which was like very well reviewed, and you're kind of really getting some traction and some momentum, you do this interview for Style Like Use What's Underneath.

1:01:19Yes, yeah. And in this interview, while talking about your body, you start taking your clothes off, which then leads to my skin. And I do wonder, when you look back on your life, don't you think of some of these decisions that kind of came out of nowhere, literally put you on a trajectory. And then you wonder like, wow, if I hadn't done that magazine, maybe I end up there. But how much longer or how much later would that have been? I have a very auspicious life. I think Tauruses do, though. I think we are like the Forrest Gump of the Zodiac. Okay. But like, I think about all these things because I just taught a self-love class on Twitch.

1:01:53And somebody asked me, how did you learn all this shit about self-love? And I was like, my heart was broken in a million pieces. And I just started desperately clinging to books and crystals and candles and prayer. And then I discovered self-love in my desperation to love people without conditions. And then I started writing all these songs about self-love. And now I'm the self-love guru. And now I'm teaching this self-love class on Twitch. It was like this weird full circle thing where like when I go back to 2016 clutching of fucking rose quartz and a black tourmaline in my apartment that's about as big as this space.

1:02:28I love using this space as a reference point. As a reference point. I would have never imagined the life that I have now or needing that moment to have the life that I have now. It felt so impassing or not important. Just like the style like you, when I got that interview, I didn't even realize I was underprepared for the interview because I didn't know what it was. That's when I was just doing press and I was just doing shit. I was like, all right, whatever. I was rolling up hungover to things, not in like a dark kind of way, but I would party a lot. And I'll be like, what are we doing today?

1:03:05What are we talking about today? And they're like, you know, you have to remove articles of clothing. I was like, I don't have that many pieces of clothing I want to remove. That's part of the interview? Okay. Yeah, I took off my wig. Yeah, it's part of the interview. Oh. So it's called What's Underneath. So you're slowly taking things off if they ask you questions. So a lot of people come with layers on because they're prepared. The people that know where they're going come in layers. Not me. Yeah. I'm over there. I literally had to take my wig off because I had nothing else to take off. I'm boring you with these Anderson.Paak stories, but another Anderson.Paak thing that's crazy is he thought of the idea of I want to play Tiny Desk.

1:03:34You want to fuck Anderson.Paak, don't you? So bad. He really does. Dude, I think he is Prince. I think he's our prince. No, he's fire. He is unreal. That smile. Oh my God. A million watts. It's intoxicating. He can't not smile. He said he can't get his teeth in his mouth. Oh, really? He is a permanent smile. I know, right? Because you know you can trick yourself into being happy. Yes, yes. And he's done it. But he had the idea of, I want to do tiny deaths. And then he got fucked up and he woke up in New York and he's hungover. And he doesn't want to go. He tries to get out of it. And they basically force him to do it.

1:04:06And as you know, that's the biggest tiny death ever. and that defined him. People are like, oh, he plays the drums and sings. So yeah, it's that same weird thing where it's like you almost missed it. My Tiny Desk is also very underrated. Okay. So anyone listening, just go check that. University of Houston, get her to do the commencement speech. Go watch Tiny Desk. Watch Scrubs, new season out now. There's a new season for real? For real, they relaunched it and it's actually really good.

1:04:36Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Arm & Hammer Toothpaste, Monica! Oh, I know we are. Okay, real talk. When did toothpaste get so complicated? Every time I'm in that aisle, there's a new formula, a new promise, some ingredient I can't pronounce. Seriously, luckily Arm & Hammer Baking Soda Toothpaste keeps it simple powered by baking soda, a time-tested ingredient you already know and trust. And it actually works differently than what you're probably used to. You can feel the baking soda break down plaque and stains for a whiter smile. Yeah, people think baking soda is too intense for your teeth, but myth busted because Arm & Hammer is actually a less abrasive toothpaste that protects enamel.

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1:09:57Why isn't Big Girl, Small World on Spotify or Apple? Damn. I was trying to listen to that today and I couldn't find it. Every time I get all live, somebody go, I want to listen to Human Eyes. I want to listen to Human Eyes. Human Eyes is a music video that's online that's from that album. So you can listen to that. It's very Bjork. Well, me trying to be Bjork. If you want to know the unsexy answer. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is, I'm, who fucking cares? It's over now. I already won the Grammys. So to be eligible for the Grammys, I had to take down previous works. Oh, why? Because Best New Artist. You could only have a certain amount of submissions or whatever.

1:10:38Or not even submissions, but bodies of work out. Because I never submitted for the Grammys before that. But bodies of work. And I had so many bodies of work out that they were counting them as albums. Or I don't even know if it was albums, it was like songs out in the world. So I had to take down a shit ton of songs to be eligible for Best New Artist. If you then put them back up, they would take it back? I didn't even win it, so I'm good. You know, I think Billie Eilish won, actually, which much deserved because I had been out for like a thousand years. But I say all that to say I changed the rules because now the Grammys came out and said, hey, now you can have X amount.

1:11:12It doesn't matter. You have to only have a certain amount of like well-known pieces to be eligible for Best New Artist. So that's why Apple gave me the Rule Breaker Award. Because that's not the only rule I broke. Songs that came out three years ago never went number one on the Billboard charts. Like, that just was unheard of. I was telling Monica that. Good as Hell? No, it was Truth Hurts. Oh, Truth Hurts. Good as Hell as well. That had been out for a minute. That came out in 2017. And I said to Monica, can you imagine having Good as Hell? And for a couple years, you're like, I don't know, why isn't this fucking song?

1:11:46and then it comes out on another album and all of a sudden it is fucking to the stratosphere. But mind you, three years later, it was like top 10 Billboard. Yeah, Keith Hurts, number one Billboard. Yeah, what is that like to have those songs that you must feel in your soul are worthy of that? Later confirmed, but in the period before it's confirmed, are you going like, well, y 'all, I don't know what else to do? Well, here's the gag. Well, first off, one thing about me, I don't care if I flop or have the biggest song in the world. I'm a songwriter and a performer so I'm always going to be okay.

1:12:19There's more where that comes from. I'm like, I'll write one. I got something in me. And I do think that there's a sort of scarcity mindset with a lot of people because they're given songs. And when you're not hot anymore and you flop they won't give you the hot songs anymore. So you're in trouble. But because I'm a songwriter and all these songs I wrote myself I know that all I have to do is keep going and being myself. You know, so back then when it happened, I wasn't thinking like, why isn't this number one? Why isn't I was like, what's the next? I was honestly, first off, I thought where the hell my phone was going to change my life.

1:12:53When I wrote where the hell my phone, where the hell my phone, I was like, y 'all, I'm scared. Buckle up. Y 'all, Nicki Minaj. You're like, everyone needs to get a hold of my ego. OK, everyone pay attention. Keep me in check. I thought that I was about to be the hottest shit in the world that we go into the big league. No Nothing happened to this day with that song So you know, good as hell, Truth Hurts I loved them, I believed in them, I thought they were incredible But I'd never known Any greater success than they had Hit, so I just kept moving forward And they were all step ups anyways Yeah, Truth Hurts was devastating for a lot of reasons So Truth Hurts was devastating because I was like Yo, this song is actually really good I love this video and I feel like a lot of people Went dark on me who was supposed to support me At that time and it kind of broke Me down and I was like, oh I quit music And then they were like, hey, don't do that.

1:13:43And I was like, all right, I'm just going to make music and just talk to my fans and not worry about nobody else. Not worry about no Grammys, no number ones, nothing bigger than what I got. I think that's actually incredibly good advice for anyone that's artistic to hear. I had two different people that helped me. One time I had written a sketch while I was doing sketch comedy at the Groundlings. And then I saw almost the identical sketch on Saturday Night Live. And some of the folks that were at the show were writers on Saturday Night Live. And so I got all spun out. You know, I'm living in a fucking one bedroom apartment.

1:14:14I've not made any money. About the size of this room. It's a big deal to me. And I remember talking to someone kind of higher up than me at the Groundlings and saying like, dude, the fuck? And this person said, if you think that's the only great sketch you're going to write, then you should go get a lawyer and sue. If you think you are an endless well of great sketches, then keep it moving. And I heard that somehow. I don't know how. I'm pretty bullheaded. But I heard that. And yeah, I think it's just like if you're an artist, just keep fucking be a volcano, man. Yeah. And now you look at the biggest artists in the world are people who have been out for a long time, putting out music consistently for years and not getting the appreciation they deserve.

1:14:53And then all of a sudden one day just popping the fuck off. Yeah. You know, thank you to the Internet. Thank you to TikTok. Thank you to the fans who like consume it. So just keep fucking going. Use it. Oh, my God. I use so much emotion. I use anger. I can't wait to hear the song that comes out of this interview. I'm so excited. Oh, my God. All the anger. I thought he was Zach Braff. Dax. Zach. The tension between those. Zach. The song should be called Zach's. Zach's the phone. The Axe. The Axe. Dax and Zach. The Axe. It's a little on the nose. It's a little clunky. It's more clunky. There's no nose.

1:15:34There's no face. I'm not a songwriter. I can't do it You signed in 16 to Atlantic Good as hell comes out 2019 you're in Ugly Dolls and you're in Hustlers Also first movie you're in makes$160 million It's crazy it doesn't happen to anybody Wait really? It made$160 million? It was a big movie You know guys I never really Paid attention Cause it's not your thing you weren't setting out to be an actor If your life was acting you would damn well know I didn't really appreciate the music shit either bro Oh really? I was performing at the AMAs and stuff, and I was just kind of breezing through everything.

1:16:09Because of this obliviousness or as a self-protection? It might be a combination of both. I really didn't smell the roses a lot. I just started appreciating and smelling the roses lately. But for the most part, I'm like, I had all that going for me. I didn't realize. Do you feel like you missed it? I did miss that because that particular part of my career is never going to happen again. The discovery and the rise, that's never going to happen again. And it's scarier to be the person who's already famous and built in because there's one way to go. People want to bring you down as opposed to cheer.

1:16:42You know? I survived that part. Yeah. It's Phoenix time. And then once you're Phoenix, you're good. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You take the big beat down. And then if you Phoenix it, then you're kind of impenetrable. Oh, but I now feel like a mama bear for other artists. I see when they like start blowing up. I'm like, oh my gosh, it's coming. Oh no, I hope they survive. I hope they make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the peak of that, once you start touring in 2022 with Special, you've hosted SNL now. It's like you're really at that peak kind of everyone in the world is singing to you, dancing to you, watching you on TV.

1:17:17Didn't even really realize it. Bowing down to you, really. I mean, that's what was happening. I know. That's too much. You're not a god. Uncomfy. I want to know how you do on those tours that are really, really long. Of course, we watch the doc, love the doc. Do you get lonely? Are there waves? Are you happy? Then you're sad. How do I describe this? Being on stage in front of 20 ,000 people who came to see you, who love you very intensely. Who got babysitters to see you. I know. Who spent money they don't have to see you. Don't even get me started on that part. Yeah, yeah. Like the sacrifice. Yeah, you know.

1:17:51But the energy that they're giving you. Imagine every person you love all in one room screaming, affirming you and I love you. It is the most incredible feeling. And then you're not up there doing something you don't like. I'm up there singing songs that make me feel good. And I love my music. So we're doing this together. And it's this incredible high. And there's these lights. And then you go and you sit afterwards. There's a massive comedown, just chemically. I think this is why so many performers are addicts, because the only way to sustain that moment on stage once you're alone back in your room is to get fucked up.

1:18:39Yeah. I'm not calling you an addict, but I'm saying I think that's why so many are addicts. I mean, I probably have an addiction to food or something. Okay. You're going to have something you regulate with. Yeah. And then I would just get very moody and like sad until it was time to get back on stage again. And then it was awesome. But I love touring. Like I love performing. And now I'm a way more balanced person. That touring for that long, you're kind of raggedy. Like I was pretty raggedy. I know it looks so glamorous being glittery and diamondy and made up on singing songs. It's just the wear and tear of travel.

1:19:11Anybody who goes on vacation knows that when you're done at vacation, even though you had a ball, you got to recover. recuperate from the vacation because travel is taxing on the human body. So you're in the planes, you're in the trains, you're in the automobiles, you're in the buses. Time changes. You're going faster than the human body should go way too often. Wow, I'm going this fast in a pressure fucking tube in the sky and then you're in the next city and then you're, oh, every fiber in your body you give to people. And back then, we was doing a radio promo because I don't think they really do that post-COVID.

1:19:44I don't think meet and greets and all of that. But it's like radio station meet and greets. You got your real life meet and greets of your fans who came to the show. You got your soundcheck parties. You have your press. You have your promo post show. You got to talk to the suits and the ties. Yeah, you got sponsors. So much interaction and energy and talking and connecting. I'm really good at that. I love that shit. But the human body only has so much. Yeah. And so I'd be really tired, but I would feel like I'm not allowed to admit that I'm tired. I'm in a very privileged position. Well, you feel you'll be ungrateful if you acknowledge that.

1:20:20Which is the great crime and sin of people who aren't eternally grateful if they've made it. Yeah. Which is not possible for a human to feel eternally grateful. The human version of me is like, oh, I need a day off. You need a day off from your dream job? Exactly. I know. That's crazy. No one's going to feel bad that you're tired on a world tour. I didn't even feel bad for myself. Yeah, right. I said, bitch, get yourself together. Yeah. Right. Get up. Girl, get up. So after that height, there was a valley and I'm not attempting to relitigate or get in any of the reasons there's a valley. But I've certainly been in valleys, but I've never been on a mountain as high as yours before I was in the valley as low as that.

1:21:03And so what emotionally was happening there and how did you regulate during that period? When you're going, going, going, going, going on a super high and also I wasn't even really perceiving how famous I had gotten. I feel like a regular girl in the Twin Cities walking to the bar, going to get some cheese curds and a beer. I still feel like that girl. But the whole world is like everything I did was news. I had been going full throttle. It was like clothing line. It was like TV show, tour, album actually really doing well. Like, oh, my God. I didn't even know how well the album was doing. I wasn't paying attention.

1:21:42I was just doing, you know, making my little TikToks. I had always planned to just, like, stop. My last show was in Japan on that tour. I had never been to Japan. I've been waiting to go to Japan my whole life. You know, Sailor Moon. Yeah. And I was about to spend some time here. And I wasn't going to tour. I was going to take time to work on the next album. I had really planned to just, like, stop. But I also stopped while the world stopped fucking with me. And it was really weird because it was just like. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, this feels like my life is over. Okay, no, quick question here.

1:22:20Because when I've had these things, some part of me goes, yep, I knew it. The shoe was going to drop. It's too good to be true. I didn't deserve it. I've had that fear my whole life about everything. And I don't know why it's a common thing with people who are successful. We are always looking over our shoulder because I know with me personally, it started when we were in Detroit and then Detroit got taken away from my family, got taken away from me. Church got taken away from me. And then after that, my dad died when I was 19, taken away. By the way, every time something kind of good's going.

1:22:54Yeah. Something happened. Right? Like you just found your shit in high school. You're in college. It's taken away. Yeah. And so with the fame thing and the success and the public perception being super positive and being overly loved and people understanding me, I wasn't looking over my shoulder for a shoe to drop because I really genuinely was moving so purely. I really, which they say you shouldn't do, just really showed the whole world my heart. You let your guard down. There was no guard ever. Yeah. type deal. Like I came into this thing myself and I was like honored myself and I was just bumbling around as myself unabashedly.

1:23:33So when everybody started hating me, I kind of didn't understand. And I think anyone in this position, cause it happens to a lot of artists. Like it happens to every artist. And especially now you look up and it's like, Oh, now everyone hates them. What happened? We never expect that's going to happen to us. Do you remember when there was a fight in high school and like, you'd see a huge crowd of kids running to go watch the fight. Did that happen in Houston? That was like where I grew up. It was constantly like you'd be at your locker and all of a sudden the big mob was going, oh shit, let's go.

1:23:58Someone's going to get their ass kicked. They fire. The internet to me is that it's like the pile and you can see the big mob coming. You're like, oh, I got to get a piece of this. I had experienced little waves of it. But this time after my tour ended, it was like legitimate. So I really did feel like my life was over because music had been my life. And I didn't feel like anyone wanted me to make music anymore. I only signed to a major label so I could help people. because I was cool with being an indie artist. But then I was like, but I'm making music that makes people feel better about themselves and seek love for themselves.

1:24:30Especially girls, especially black girls, especially big girls. Yeah. Folks that deserve a champion. Gay boys, trans people, people who felt other. So I was like, I'll sign to Atlantic because if that means y 'all will get my music out to more people, I think of my music as medicine. So I was like, oh, wow. Should I cease to exist? You're right. It was really heavy. It's really heavy. And I think you have to kind of go to a very, very, very, very low place to be able to kind of float back up to the top. I had to stop making everything external about me. Everything that was happening outside, I was like, that don't got nothing to do with me anymore.

1:25:05Like, who am I? Who's in my real life? Who do I see day to day? Let me tell you something. It was nobody for a while. But can I ask this? Here's what I've been guilty of. at moments that we've had great success, that has been something I can lean on when I'm doing some other shit. Like for me, it was, I had a relapse, right? And it was like, this isn't good. We know this isn't good. We know that me using is not good. I'm not an idiot. But then I go, but man, this other thing's going so good. I'm just going to think about this. Like I had something to lean on that was pretty powerful for me. And I think if in the wake of me also collapsing on that, and then also I don't even have the thing I had been leaning on, we're at a very lonely, scary spot.

1:25:51Like I don't even have the crutch now of success. Oh my God. Yes. I know exactly what you mean. I can't even really articulate it, but I understand what you're saying. Yeah. It's like just keeping myself above water because I know I have this thing that's really quite special and good. But by God, if you took that from me at that moment, I would, I don't know. Like, again, I don't know if I can exist at that moment because it's all I'm using to keep myself afloat. You know, what I came to is like knowing who you are and not like what you do. And I feel like I had been identifying myself as what I do for so long instead of remembering who I am, because that's my job.

1:26:28And everyone in the world might not actually know me like I thought they did. Yeah. It's like, oh, wait, y 'all actually don't know me. It's like realizing, oh, this thing I thought was real is actually kind of false. Yeah. In some ways, that's freeing, isn't it? It was extremely freeing. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, only I know me. Only I know who I am. And I need to remember that and not allow someone to change that because I can do that, too. I can allow someone to make me feel bad, even though I didn't. I used to get emotionally manipulated a lot. actually to this day, I kind of still, because I'm so like sweet and understanding and forgiving.

1:27:05Yeah. You get taken advantage of. Oh my, oh my God. Yes. I need protectors around me. And so now I feel like I have all these protective people. And would I be right to guess you're not great at boundaries? No. Yeah. But now I am. Yeah, yeah. You know what's so crazy? It's like when you're a famous person, the more famous you become, the more boundaries you have, the more people look at you like you're a bad person. And it's like, hey, that's fucked up. But I'm like, but I have to protect myself. Yes, you do. You know, so I was always like, no, you have access to me. Everyone has access to me.

1:27:36I will never be that famous person that no one can talk to and no one can. I'm like, no, no, I know why. There's only so much of you. Yes. And you have to save some for you. Yeah. So I learned that as well. Did you come to that on your own or did you have therapy? Did you have help? I did have therapy. I've had the same therapist since like 2007. That's kind of helpful because she got to see the whole enchilada. I'm like, actually, we're like trauma bonded now because you're not going anywhere. But like I had that. And honestly, I'm not going to hold y 'all. Like I was talking out loud to myself and to God.

1:28:18But I would just be like, one day things have to be better. One day things have to be better. One day I'm going to wake up in a reality where I don't feel like shit, where I am happy. And I was saying these things. And then one day after the next, you look up and you're like, oh, I don't have to say this anymore because I'm here. It was a lot of self-work and a lot of self-awareness you kind of have to have. It's like, hey, you know, you shouldn't do that or you shouldn't give this person access to you in that way or you shouldn't put yourself in that position. Or, you know, you've been putting yourself in this fucked up position for so long.

1:28:49You know that this person been kind of boxing you out and manipulating you and you thought this was going on, but really this was going on. You need to watch the people around you. And this is the biggest thing that I learned from therapy is my inner child had been leading the show the whole time. My inner child was like, I want everyone to get along. And we're all going to just naively optimistic. And now grown up me is protecting baby me. I'm like, no, stop. You can't. No, get back here. Get behind me. Yeah. The girl with the bound feet and the fucked up hair. Yeah. The mold and the bun. Okay.

1:29:20The wow. He's dragging. No, that little girl you got to protect. No, we got to protect. Yeah. I was like, girl, no. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You can't trust these people. So I am proud. I'm not done, though. I'm learning new shit. We all are. Oh, my God. It's not over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so how do we end up writing Lil Lizzo meets Sasha B. Fluton? Can I kind of give you the description I wrote out of it? Sure. It's so adorable. You read it? Of course I did. It's such a sweet book. It is. It's about a little girl feeling lost and alone in a new school, sees a room full of instruments, gives them all a whirl, but none of them land, than Sasha B.

1:29:57Fluton said, what about me? The two of you go on a ride, stopping in the jungle, the sea and the sky, and every time you try to make the sounds of those places, nothing comes out. But when you and Sasha look into yourselves, into your heart, a sound finally comes out, and that is the sound that brings all the kids together. It's the sound that you make that lets you know you belong. Oh, my God. Is that a good description? Yes. With the cutest little drawings. Oh, I know. And the cutest little imaginary world. Oh, I just feel like this book makes me emotional every time I think about it. And I was like, I fucking wrote it.

1:30:30And I dead ass wrote it. Like, no funny shit. I got video footage of me writing this motherfucking book of me sketching Lil Lizzo to give to Mark Pett. Like, I'm really hands in this book. But I get emotional every time I think about it because everyone's interpretation of it and every person I sit with as they read it or I read it to, it elicits a different response. I'm the same way with my music, though. I could play a song for somebody and a different person, a different person, and it'll hit different every time. The way you surmised it with going to the space and the sea and the jungle and like you tried to play those sounds, but those sounds were not you.

1:31:02Yeah. Oh, my God. This is tearing me up right now because it's true. I wanted to have a where the wild things are kind of surrealism. Yes. Where, you know, the walls dematerialize and suddenly he's like in a boat. Well, again, you already told us like you lived in La La Land. I did. With your tree. So this is the book is La La La. Yes, exactly. And when I would walk into the band hall, it was like nothing outside of that room mattered. Only band kids understand the intense feeling of family and importance. It was so fucking important to us. The music that we were playing, the march that we had to do, anything outside that room, we just drowned out because we were so focused and we were so in tune with each other.

1:31:47And so when she walks in that room, she's like, well, what's all the fuss about? I want to know. and she finds Sasha. Sasha called to her. The flute picked me when I was in fifth grade. There was something about the flute being difficult that I was like super, super drawn to. And I loved the challenge. I was like such an overachiever, just poindexter. So when I was chosen, she was like, you. Because it was just such a magical moment. I just, she looked down at me and smiled and was like, you. And I was like, yay. That was my Sasha being like, you gonna sleep on the flutes? You gonna sleep on the flutes?

1:32:17Exactly. They chose each other. I do like drawing the parallels between my actual childhood experience with the flute because that's the reason why I wrote the book. I wanted to tell the story in a colorful way. I've been playing the flute. When did I first pull it out at the BET Awards and twerk and Rihanna stood up? 2019? BET Awards? 18, 19? They've been asking me about flute since then. We're about to be about a decade of the reality. So why flute? How flute? And I was like, here, let me put it down for you. Our friend Molly, when we were all at the height of our Lizzo obsession, Molly was obsessed with Sasha B.

1:32:54Right. She talked about Sasha B. all the time. People have a connection to Sasha separately from you. And I think this book is going to do that even more because of her personification in the book. She's an outcast, too. Yeah, yeah. I'm an outcast, too. I'm special, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See me. You know, it's beautiful. And Sasha's so funny and brassy and like she's got a little hands on her hip and her little rainbow buttons. She's a fun girl. Yeah. She's being played wrong the entire time. And in the end, it's like, and that's when you create the sound and it's like breathing. And I wanted to throw a little bit of mindfulness and breath work in there at the end so that you can sit with your youngins and you can be like, OK, now sit and take a deep breath.

1:33:42when you get to that point and they take a deep breath. A deep breath makes anyone feel good. Sometimes when you say deep breath, it makes you want to take a deep breath. Or when you say yawn, it makes you want to yawn. Okay, the very last thing I want to talk to you about is I was watching the Gayle King interview and she wanted to talk to you about your use of the word bitch. Oh, yeah. Look, I love Gayle King. We all love Gayle King. But she's like, you're going through, you know, we use it a lot. Okay. And then she said, you know, what about a little girl hearing that word? That was part of it, right?

1:34:13And I just want to say that one morning, probably four years ago, I think Lincoln was nine, our oldest daughter. She came into our bedroom. It was one of those days, right? She just did not want to go to school. She was just feeling defeated by everything. And she said, I can't do it. I didn't feel it. She was sad and all this stuff. And I said, come with me. And we went to our mirror. I've told the story in here before, but we went to the mirror and I said, I want you to repeat after me. Okay. And she goes, okay. She's nine. I go, I'm a bad bitch and I'm going to fuck this day up. And this little nine-year-old goes, I'm a bad bitch and I'm going to fuck this day up.

1:34:54Yes. And her spirit changed like you can't imagine on a dime. And then I told that story on here. And then all these kind of women in our life, it became a little anthem. I'm a bad bitch and I'm going to fuck this day up. And then this was given to us. Oh, my God. Look at the little baby face. So I just want to thank you because our family anthem that gets us through our bad days is I'm a bad bitch. I'm going to fuck this day up. And that's because of you. Really? Yeah. Wow. Because my little girls, they got introduced to that word as a powerful word, as something that makes you feel like you can walk out on strong.

1:35:35The way that I feel about that thing with profanity and children is I don't like to cuss around kids at all. I grew up in the church. I don't cuss around my mama to this day. And I'm a grown ass woman. So that's how my mind is. But I also feel like we live in a world where it is an inevitability that they're going to hear these words. Like I was hearing cuss words when I was like, what is that? What is that? First grade on the playground, you hear every horrendous word imaginable. You're going to hear it. So it's like better to disarm some of these words so that younger people cannot have the negative effect.

1:36:09Taking the power out of fat, taking the power out of bitch that someone can hurt you with. You know what I mean? Giving the power back to you. Exactly. The way you neutralize them is they go bitch and you're like, fuck yeah. And they're like, oh, that didn't have the effect I wanted. That's like hurt. I wanted to hurt you and minimize you and reduce you. I was like, oh, what's up, fat ass? Yeah, my ass is fat. Yeah, exactly. Like, okay. And you want to bite it. or else she wouldn't be talking about it. Yeah. Right. So much. So, yes, I do think that inevitability and a part of my work is disarming words like that and toxic words like that.

1:36:43Yeah. Because I want people to be kinder to each other, but that's not realistic. No, it's not going to happen. That's not the world. We have to disarm the bullies. That's right. I love that. No, it's just a judo move on it all. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I've been wanting to do this for five, six years. I'm so happy you're here. You're looting us for so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been wanting you forever. I hear that so much. I'm like, guys, I promise I'm down the street. Well, now you got boundaries. Yeah. We caught you when your boundaries were down. Oh, my God, no. Like, five, six years ago, we probably would have been doing tequila shots.

1:37:19Right? Different conversation five, six years ago. Literally. Yeah, maybe the timing was perfect for this. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny. Are you guys—no, you drink beer. No, I haven't drank in 22 years. I just love it. I said you had a beer company. Oh, I have an alcoholic beer company. O'Douls. Okay. I own O'Douls. You own O'Douls? No. Don't do this. That rap owns O'Douls. What? I gotta hold this up. It's the cutest book ever. Please. Little Lizzo meets Sasha B. Fluton. Out September 9th. September 9th. You guys, it's a great one. It is. Get it for your little beautiful girl. And there's a flute song in the end.

1:37:55Oh, yeah. QR code. You can hit the QR code and go listen to a special flute song. Aw. Lizzo, I adore you. Thank you for coming. This was so fun. Thanks so much. Yeah, I had so much fun with y 'all. I could talk all day. Come back. Okay, let's go out with a song. Oh, okay. Here we go. That's not going to work for me. Time to focus on you. All the big fights, long nights that you've been through. I got a bottle of tequila I've been saving for you. Boss up and change a life. You can have it all, no sacrifice. Don't hear me get wrong, we can make it right. So go and let it all hang out tonight.

1:38:30Oh, you wanted that? Oh, wow. You better walk your finest out the door. Oh. Woo. Get out of the sky. Oh. Yeah. All right. Listen. Their feet don't love you anymore. Oh, y 'all might be sweating in these damn chairs. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong. Okay, you have a story. Yeah, I have a couple. You've withheld. This happens to us in real life occasionally. Yeah. Where I see you, normally I'd hear some fun story, and then you have to reserve it. The fact check. Yeah. I have two, actually. Oh, my God.

1:39:35Okay. But I'm going to start with this one first. Okay. So, happy birthday, Jess. Jess is 50 today. That's a big old number. That's a big boy. That's a big boy for a big boy. Uh-huh. He's finally grown into his age. Exactly. Or aged into his growth. He's aged into his stature. Yeah. So we went to Palm Springs for just like 36, 38 hours. I was told by Ana you were blessed with no traffic on the way there, which is rare on a Friday. It was great. Maybe because it was 126 there. It was hot. Yeah. It was really hot. So it was me, Jess, Ana, Erica, and Charlie. We kept it small for many reasons. One, it was very impromptu.

1:40:21but just we wanted to go to this very specific restaurant that I think max is five people the tables wait they only have five customers at once no no sorry like each table you can't have like more than five people maybe six but I think five they don't have big yeah exactly um so we went it was so fun um restaurant incredible what kind of cuisine American Palm Springs Right now. Everything's fusion, is it? I wouldn't say it's fusion. Like I had a burger. I'm going to add a pork chop. Steak freeze. Okay, so hearty food. American, yeah. And then there was a really cool bar attached to it that we went to.

1:41:05Anyway, great. But like chill night. Like we were at the pool and then we did this dinner. Oh, and I walked to shopping, which was the first time I've ever thought. No, maybe the second time. The other time was in Georgia when you were in your your family really wanted to drive you. You were going to take a walk. Oh, yeah. But I don't regret that. That was like you said you got on the walk and you were like, yeah, it's too hot for this walk. No. OK, I don't regret that. OK. I had some regrets in Paris when I'm out when I was out there in the heat wave and the heat bubble. But then this was only this was a three minute drive.

1:41:42I was like, I'm walking. This is crazy. Yeah. So it was like a 16, 17-minute walk. I get out there. Two minutes, and I was like, oh, wow. I'm like so hot, and I'm getting nervous. Then I'm starting to panic. Feels dangerous. Yeah. So I'm taking deep breaths. But I made it there. You're back in soul cycle. Exactly. Exactly. But I made it there to the store, and then two minutes later, the store closed. I didn't look up the timing. So that was really upsetting. Anyway, easy, great day, fun day. Now, this hotel has two parts to it. It has a normal part with like rooms, great rooms, a big pool. And then there's an area, this special area called the bungalows.

1:42:32Okay. And they're extra. And it's like kind of its own private area. So if you don't have a key card to that, you can't get in there. and it has its own waiting pool. This is what you posted a photo of. I have an image of a long rectangular pool and then seemingly bungalows on the sides. Yes, there's bungalows on the sides and then in the pool on one side, there's like six or so chairs that are in the pool so you can like lounge and be wet. It's so nice. I mean, the pool's like 18 inches. Okay. So there's no, yeah. There's no diving. No, there's no diving. There's no swimming. You just like lay in it.

1:43:13No hold your breath contest. Yeah. And it is kind of funny when people are walking because they just like splash. There's walking through. It must have been so warm as well. I mean, they would maybe even have to cool it at that depth in that heat. The first day people thought it was could be a little bit cooler. OK. Not me because, you know, I like the heat. Yeah. The second day we thought it was nice. OK, great. Anyway, so we get back after dinner and we decide to get in the pool. The pool closes at 10. Okay, interesting. For Palm Springs, I feel like it would be open later, but continue. Love that you said that.

1:43:50So pool closes at 10. It's 8.40 when we get home and we all get in our bathing suits. We're all drinking water. Like no one, we are not rowdy, I guess is the whole purpose of me saying this. We all get in the pool. We're hanging. We're chatting. We're drinking water. And somebody opens the door to the bungalow behind us. Opens it like, what's this? Abruptly. Abruptly. Thank you. And he said, he was a guy. He was probably, I would say, 60 or younger, but had, you know. Some hard miles. Thank you. Okay. And he said, are you okay? What happened? Oh, that scared me. I thought he was being attacked back there.

1:44:47I thought he had a seizure. Yeah. Pick your pick. Okay. So he opens the door and he said, I can hear you. And we laughed. Like we thought he was joking, being funny. to remind people who don't know so we have Charlie yes Charlie just meet Erica Anna Charlie is huge and muscular and Jess is huge as well intimidating when he stands up right but we're all in the pool so he comes out and he's like he's like you're waking you're waking everybody up we're asleep we're asleep you and then What's so interesting is the way everyone starts behaving differently. Right. So Erica. I can feel how I would. I know the feeling that would be in my body.

1:45:44Yes. Yeah. Which is similar to Charlie. Sure. Okay. But Eric was like, don't worry, we'll move. And I know. And I was like, no. Yeah. And Charlie was like, hey, you need to chill, man. Okay. Yeah, sure. Uh-huh. And he said, I need to chill. and Charlie was like yeah man you need to chill and he he like turns around and this guy's like I would never do this to you to him to Charlie specifically all like wake them up or something he was like we're asleep I said I said it's nine yeah and Charlie was like Springs it's Friday night. Charlie was like, the pool closes at 10. It's nine o 'clock and he's screaming at us and getting closer.

1:46:35He's starting to walk towards us. What is his physical stature? You're not great at this. I'm not good at this. He's not tiny. Okay. But okay. So then Charlie gets up. This is kind It's kind of comical because, you know, it's like 18 inches. He's just standing in this book. Like, you know, water in his ankles, basically. Right, right. And he's like, you need to go back inside. You know, Charlie, you know, Charlie's like, you need to go back inside. He's like, oh, oh, look, with you and your tattoos, you think you're a tough man? Uh-huh. I was like, oh, my God, what is about to happen? This is a guy who hasn't been punched out in too long.

1:47:15Been too long. He's been acting like this to people and getting away with it. And we heard a woman inside say. She's so sick of being married to this guy. Glenn. Steve. Okay. Steve. Steve, come to bed. She said, you could hear inside. And then Charlie was like, Steve, go to bed. And then, and he was just carrying on, carrying on. Finally, he went inside. Okay. But it was a real. Showdown. Showdown. And I did not expect to feel what I felt. Okay. Yeah. Okay. It was really interesting. So what were you feeling? I was like, I. Condone this. Yeah. Yeah. I condone Charlie, but Charlie didn't. He did not escalate.

1:48:06He did not cross the line. And he said after, he was like, I just told myself, do not get out of this pool. Yeah. All right. Because then now we're in another situation. And a police are maybe coming. I'm like, yeah, so I didn't want any of that to happen, but I was glad that he was saying stuff and standing up to him. And I also, I was like, it's nine. I was like, sir, we are allowed to. He didn't hear me at all. He couldn't hear women. But I was not afraid of the confrontation. And then I was like, whoa, this feels not natural for me. Meanwhile. What's happening to me? Meanwhile, Erica, Jess, and Anna have like moved into another area.

1:48:46And Erica keeps telling us. She's like, come on, guys. Come over. Like, come. Charlie, come. Like, you know, she's obviously worried about Charlie. Yeah. The wives are like, come on, everybody. Let's just drop this. But no. No to dropping it. Like, this guy, like, I did feel like moving felt like he won. Uh-huh. And it was nine o 'clock in Palm Springs. And, oh, I think I said something like, we've all paid to be here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we're all, what? What makes you think you can come? Like, if you, I understand if it's loud. First of all, you can come out and say, hey, guys, I'm so sorry.

1:49:25I mean, whatever. There's a million ways to do this. We go to bed so early. Exactly. We like to go to bed at seven. Uh-huh. Yeah. But you could do that. Or you need to really take it up with the hotel. You also don't get a room next to the pool. Well, all the bungalows are right there. So that's not for you. Exactly. So this isn't a hotel for you. You need a casita tucked into the corner and you visit the pool when you want to. Yeah. Like, this isn't the hotel for you. This is the way it's set up. Your beeps with the architect, my friend. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. So then, yeah. So we were all like a little like amped and kind of frazzled.

1:50:03But it is funny. Everyone behaves so differently in these situations. And I'm sure so much of it is childhood. So much of it is just personality, I guess. Like, I was kind of surprised. Like, I was surprised Erica wasn't more confrontational. Uh-huh. Because she's very strong and, like, speaks her mind and stuff like that in general. But she's also in public relations. So she's really, really good at de-escalating, you know, tensions that are rising. She has these big events, you know, so she's got to be a master judo expert at redirecting these hostilities. Yeah. I mean, she's really well practiced.

1:50:47She's like dealing with the public a ton and clients. Yeah. Yeah. And Ana was sort of somewhere in the middle because she was like, what? Like she was saying like kind of some stuff, but then not enough for her to like really hold her ground. And then just, you know, kind of gets up and then staggers away. Yeah, trips five times. Literally. He wants nothing to do with confrontation, really. That's interesting because he often does. I don't think he does. He doesn't. In my experience with him. And one time we got in a fight about this. Yeah, yeah. That's like someone called someone gay or something about Anna.

1:51:22And then it wasn't Anna. It was somebody else. But yes, some thing happened and she was really upset. And then Jess like went inside to go deal with it. And then he came back and had done nothing. And then I was really annoyed. so we're all just so different in these circumstances and you know normally I think I'm like no who cares we need to walk away that person has nothing to do with us but I didn't feel that way interesting and I was like I'm not moving this is your auntie vibes coming out now you're an auntie I don't like that I don't like that. Now I'm starting to wonder why I ever thought.

1:52:11I don't know, because I am fine in confrontation. We do know this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know why I ever thought that I. Well, I'm imagining you think you are anti physical, physical confrontation, which I am. I am, too. until someone forces physical confrontation. And then I go, okay, this is how you want to have this confrontation. I can do either. I'll argue with you or if you want to get down, I'm your Huckleberry. Like, let's do that. I know. That'll be conclusive. That's why I like it. I still don't like it. I don't like it. I'm really proud of Charlie for staying in the pool.

1:52:54I'm glad he did. Yeah. But when this man is coming towards us with this anger and like screaming and he's so aggressive. I was like, wow, like I do feel like maybe he deserves to get hit, which is I've never felt that. So it's really wild. Then it's a good thing we're transitioning you and I like now you're into and I'm kind of like I'm retiring from all of it. So it's good that we weren't ever out on the scene with both of us that way. Because, again, I have this chip on my shoulder about guys who have power in their jobs and they're used to like fucking screaming at people and doing things that would otherwise get them into a fistfight.

1:53:39Like you can't just do that unless you have some bullshit, arbitrary power you're used to. And you literally can't click out of you're not in your office, bro. and I don't work for you and you can't talk to people like this. Yeah, I guess because I think I live with so much that. You can't talk to people like that. You can't treat people like that. Like I live with a lot of those feelings. Yeah, yeah. So I guess I was just like, yeah, this is weird. Maybe it was the heat. The heat had you. I mean, also he was just so clearly, obviously had been drinking like all day long. Obviously, who goes to bed?

1:54:14I mean, it was insane. As you said, 10 p.m. is too early. Yes, yes, yes. For Palm Springs on a Friday night. Yeah. Yeah. So that was wild. And then it led to a different conversation where I. So then Charlie went to the front and he just said, hey, just so you know, this is how this unraveled. Exactly. And I and this is also, I guess, a way that I act. I was like, someone's getting an email. Someone's getting an email tomorrow. the hotel's getting a stern email and i said that to everyone i was like i'm i'm telling the hotel like that this was completely unacceptable and then then we were kind of split okay because some people were like well it's not their fault and i was like it's not their fault it is absolutely not their fault yeah but this happened at their hotel it ruined a section of the night yeah And it could and maybe did have an impact on whether anyone's we're ever coming back here.

1:55:26OK. So I think it is up to the hotel to say, like, I'm so sorry that happened here. You all get to come back for a full week for free. No, not like that. But still, I do think it's a responsibility of the establishment to do what they can to make you want to come back. Because I did think like, oh, well, if this and also if it is too loud for people, like that's a problem. Yeah, yeah. And I don't want to have dealt with that person. I hated that, you know, I kind of liked it, but I hated it. Yeah, a little bit. You liked it. And yeah, so then we got we were all in a debate about that. Me and Charlie, of course.

1:56:07Of course. Yeah, he's the great email writer. Yeah, he loves, exactly. But to be clear, we both believe, we're not like, oh, this is the hotel's fault, but. So I'm on the side of confront that guy. And then not on the side of like. It's too bad you guys had to deal with that guy. And now these people working there got to deal with this guy downriver. Yeah, but here's the thing that's also true. Like they might need to put a flag on that or say to him like, hey, if you come back to this hotel, that can't happen again. No dust ups at the pool. Exactly. Like they need to know. Go ahead and call us if you think someone's being too loud and we'll look and do it.

1:56:52Yeah. So did you write an email? I did not. Okay. Because then I got in my head about it a little bit. I'm still debating. Okay. Because I just, because I was thinking like, okay, if this happened at a restaurant. Okay, because Jess was like, no, like they don't, whatever. And I was like, Jess, if this happened at a restaurant and some patron screamed at another patron and like stormed over and stuff. Of course, it's not the restaurant's fault. But the restaurant is going to do something. The restaurant is probably going to. Send them a dessert. Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like. Pay for their coffees.

1:57:31Tell the guy like you can't do that here. You're not welcome here anymore. Yeah. Well, maybe when Charlie gave them the whole lay of the land. I know, but no one was really there. He didn't say it to anyone? He did. He said it to her. He said it to a bellhop? Kind of. Okay. Like there was no one there. Oh, they were. So that's why I felt the email was really necessary. Okay. Because I wanted to speak to a manager, the hotel owner. Sure, sure, sure. Not just the front desk. Because I agree with you there, right? I'm like, what's this front desk person going to do? She's trying to get through their shift.

1:58:08Yeah. So this is more of a higher up situation that I wanted. I wanted to. I'm going to. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let me know how that goes. Okay. It just was wild, this guy. Yeah. And then I felt really bad for the wife. Yeah. I mean, that's she's linked to this guy. You think that's not a standalone. That's not someone's first time acting like you come back to bed. Steve, we can't do this again. That's what I'm not going to bail you out again. Although let's just devil's advocate. Yeah. Maybe she was in there going, Steve, go fucking tell him to stop. Like she could have been goading him. Then he snapped because his wife's yelling.

1:58:49She could have. Yeah. But some that's a scenario that happens sometimes. That happens. that could definitely happen. I have a friend whose wife's always getting into fights and he's just like, he can hear it from the car and he's like, oh God, she's yelling at the construction workers. How long before they call her a bitch and then I got to get out of the car. So yeah. No, it definitely could have been, I just felt like, oof, this is a tough, tough situation. And then the next day we were at the other pool at the bar and this is like at two or one or something. and he comes up and so we're all just kind of like standing there and he doesn't say anything to us and orders his drinks and then goes so we think he doesn't remember okay yeah so he might have been heavily intoxicated okay one of the many reasons he would have lost that tussle with charlie oh yeah you think you're a big man i could when he started saying that i was like Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:59:48I was like, who do you think you are? Like, who? I mean, it's crazy because I was like, yeah, you're asking for him to hit you when you go up into his face. You're taunting a bear. Yeah. Oh, with your tattoos. Yeah. It was wild. Wow. How exciting. It was exciting. Yeah. Very exciting. But the hell was her money back? Okay. Okay, great. So that was one of two stories? Yes. Okay, this is a different male story. Okay. I was on the west side on Thursday. And once you get to the west side, depending on your timing, you have to stay there. Yeah, you're there for the day. You're there for the day into the night.

2:00:34Yeah, until traffic dies down at 8 p.m. Exactly. So I was there and then I was like, okay, where do I go? Kill time. So I went to a place called Baltaire. It's a restaurant. It's in Brentwood. And I've been there before. And I was like, they have like a loungy area. So I was like, I'll do work there. I have my computer. So I went and they were like, have a seat wherever that doesn't say reserved. So I went. There was one table in the back that didn't say reserved. So I sat there. And there was like obviously some sort of like gathering happening. Like kind of looked like maybe it was like a work, post work or work thing.

2:01:12Anyway, I'm sitting there. And then this guy comes up to me, this man. and he was like, I haven't met you yet. How old? I would say he, okay, I pretty much think everyone's 60. Yeah, it sounds like. People are your age or they're 60? No, people are 25 or they're 60. And he came up to me and he said, I haven't met you yet. And I was like, oh, I'm not part of your party. And he was like, oh. And I said, but they told me to sit where wherever I wanted, if it didn't say reserved and it doesn't say reserved. And he was like, oh, it's all reserved. And I was like, oh, uh, and he was like, but you're you're fine.

2:01:57You're fine. You're not bothering anyone like you stay. And I was like, had it filled up at this point with all the reserved tables? No, there was like a couple more. But like people were coming and I was at a very I was like at a big table. But because I was the only one. You were at a six top or something? there was the only one that didn't say reserve yeah and and i was like well no i don't want to be i don't want to like intrude he was like no no no no you're fine and then like the bartender server lady comes up and she's like this is reserved i was like okay yeah it doesn't say it um and so i sat here but where should i go yeah and she was like do you want to sit at the bar like the actual bar and i was like well am i allowed to with my computer he said yes i was Okay, great.

2:02:38I go, I sit at the bar. Now, I am the first in, like, the front seat. Uh-huh. Where people would put in cocktail orders to your right, like the servers. Exactly. Except, okay, but it's on the left, and there was one seat there. But, yeah, it's, like, on the corner. I'm not sitting there, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, I'm workies, and it's great. I'm getting my edits done. I always wonder. I'm, like, people can see. Uh-huh. So they're just seeing me and you and Lizzo. Lizzo. Uh-huh. Just like on my computer. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I'm sitting there. I'm doing work. And then I look over and the bartender like comes and he puts down this placemat, this leather placemat at the seat next to me.

2:03:28No one else has this, by the way. And he puts like a knife and a fork. And I thought, huh, who is about to come sit here? Yeah, the president maybe. Exactly. Yeah. So I'm kind of keeping an eye out. And then a man comes and sits there. I don't recognize him. But I'm noticing that everyone, like the staff wise, is coming up to him. And they're all like really engaging with him. Hugging him. 60. Okay, great. It feels stupid asking. And, and I'm like, who is this guy? You love this. This has happened in New York. This happens to me all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone very VIP enters this scenario.

2:04:14Yeah, yeah. And it's like, okay. You're intrigued. Yep, I'm intrigued. People are, and then I think, but I have headphones in, so I can't hear that well, but I hear something about sports. So it's like, maybe this guy like owns a sports team or something. And he was wearing a suit. Oh, okay. So then I'm intrigued and then I take out my headphones to get a drink, right? So I'm just like, I take them out and I'm waiting for a second. And he says. Seizes. Uh-huh. He does. He says, it was like 540 or something. And he was like, you have to stop working at 545. And I was like, oh, well, I don't think that's going to happen.

2:04:56And he was like, well, they're going to kick you out. But he was being very playful. I was not like nervous or anything, but I was like, oh, I guess I'll be on the street with my computer and my martini then. And then he laughed and laughed. Sure. Best joke you ever heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was wearing a. Amy Schumer joke. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're not going to believe what she said. Kate Upton. Ding, ding, ding. Upton's. I was wearing a bandana that day. I've never worn one before. So I think I was feeling like a new personality. You had a persona going. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she was cool, this girl.

2:05:34Me. So then, you know, we talk for another second or whatever. Get my drink. I like kind of put my headphones back in. And then this other person comes up to me. Shout out. Extremely attractive man comes up to me. And I take my headphones. I said, are you Monica? I said, yes. He said, I'm a huge armchair. Oh, my God. and he was extremely attractive. Yes. He had to me, James Marsden energy. Whoa. Yes. That's huge energy. Uh-huh. And I was like, then my bandana was doing nothing for me. I was nervous. You were back to being an ugly duckling. Back to regular Monica. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's so nice.

2:06:17He was like, you just had a birthday. Happy birthday. And I was like, thanks. I'm editing. I always tell people that. I'm editing right now. Yeah, sure. Behind the curtain. Yeah. And then he said, he said can I take a picture for my wife bummer yeah okay and I was like sure of course and then he looks at this guy and he says can you take a picture for us and he hands the phone to him how exciting now the old timer is like shit this bitch is famous so he says yeah he takes a picture I say bye to the armchair he walks away and this guy says okay well I need to know who you are you just said I own the cardinals

2:07:01Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

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2:08:37I said, oh, I have a podcast. And he was like, oh, well, what is it? And I said, it's called Armchair Expert. I host it with Dax Shepard. And he was like, oh, he's like, you do look familiar. I was like, well, I know. I thought you were going to say you said you do look like Dax Shepard. I thought it was you, Dax. No, he said, you do look kind of familiar. I was like, well, I mean, if you don't listen to the show, it's probably not. He was like, well, I mean, I know, of course I know Dax. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, well, then I think I put my headphones back in or something. There's so much action happening.

2:09:19A lot is going on. This is like sitcom pacing. Yeah. Like cheers. Now this person enters, that person exits. They open the door to this conversation. Yeah. Exactly. And so then I think I take my headphones out again or something and he sees us again. He's quick. He knows, you know. Yeah, yeah. And he's like. It's like sitting next to someone on an airplane. Yeah. He said, I just doom scrolled you. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I said, doom scroll. I was like, well, that's, I think, a bad thing. And he was like, my daughter, he has a 24-year-old daughter, so my daughter calls it that. And he was like, you're famous.

2:09:55And I said, I think you're famous based on what I can see has been going on here for the past hour. Yeah. And I said, who are you? Yeah, nice. Yeah. Flip the script. My bandana was doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Yeah, you were back to bandana mode. Uh-huh. And then things start going wild, right? Like he's like, oh, no, I'm just a regular here. And I was like, doesn't feel like that. You have your own place, Matt. I know how this works. And then he said he works for some people. Okay. And then the bartender, this really nice bartender, Carlos. I learned about Carlos. He comes up and he was like.

2:10:37Not 60. No. Right. Carlos is not 60. Yeah, I had a hunch. she wasn't 60. And Carlos is joking with this man and he's like, how'd you get her to talk to you? I've been trying to talk to her. Well, Carlos is saying that you are the head of this bar. You should go here all the time. I would never leave this. Well, listen, so Baltaire is a very specific place. It is a specific vibe. People are there to meet people. Oh, great. Right. Now to me, it's a type so west side and so I think that's also like the cultures in LA are very different the west side's very different from the east side so I think I felt kind of like in a fun way fish out of water uh huh yeah yeah cause I'm in a bandana yeah yeah a like terry cloth Susie Condi great shirt green shirt you know people are in pants like loose pants people are there in basically their underwear, you know, like people are there looking sexy.

2:11:41It's very specific. And I guess this is Thursday night and Thursday night is live music night. And so it was like so packed. Yeah. Okay. Wow. And I think it gave me confidence because I was like, oh my God, like what is this is such a scene. Yes. Yes. And I think this person was intrigued by me because I was not doing this, you know, playing this game. This is me at the four seasons with the tattoos. Right. But you were enjoying it. I was enjoying it. And I wasn't on the prowl. Like if I was on the prowl, then I would be like, oh, I like look crazy. But I'm saying you got to experience thing. I'm always trying to say it's like, oh, yeah, I kind of dig that everyone.

2:12:25Yeah. I'm not participating, which removes me from the stakes of it all. That's yes, definitely. It removed the steaks, but also, yeah, I just felt really confident in my bandana. Yeah, great. So then we start talking. I talk to this person for, I leave at nine. And we talk the whole time. And then we have some other friends next to us that we make. Yeah, great. There's like an hour and a half of talking or more? Like three and a half hours. Wow. This is a meet cute. And then like I eat some of his steak and I order a potato. Yeah. Wow. This is so fun. It was. You were being hemmed and hawed over.

2:13:07I was. Because then I ordered a Barolo. Shout out. If anyone wants to send me Barolo, it is my favorite wine. Oh, that's a wine. It's a type of wine. And it is very rarely on the menu by the glass. They want you to get the bottle. Yeah. So, but they had it by the glass. Yes. And so I ordered a Barolo and he said to Carlos, he said, oh, the perfect woman. Oh, yeah. This is very Italian. The man was not Carlos. Because Carlos would go either way. I was thinking Latino. Oh, he actually could be Spanish. Yeah. Carlos signs. Exactly. Anyway, he so so that was fun. And and we talked about everything.

2:13:49We talked about dating. he's he's looking yeah he's divorced but he has a great relationship with his ex-wife and his unfortunately his house burned out in the Palisades which is very sad but now he lives in Beverly Hills and we talked and I asked him what happened in his marriage oh yeah and I asked what he's looking for on a partner yeah all these things I told him about the Dairy Queen story oh uh huh okay yeah so we just And how overt was he being? Was he going like, well, that's crazy because you are so beautiful. Was he going hard? He didn't say you're so beautiful, but he was giving me compliments.

2:14:31Yeah, yeah. We discussed Triz. We discussed everything. He knows everything about me. Wow, exciting. I was just enjoying him so much. And I was like, oh, my God, this is my new friend. Like, he's a fun friend. Yes. And I got his name. We exchanged numbers. Yeah, yeah. and he paid for my all my drinks sure of course he lives in beverly hills well it was actually really cute because i obviously wanted to pay and i went to pay and then carlos you know gave me my check but it was just a smiley face he gave carlos the wink he probably got it all like oh he has it all dialed and at one point they gave me a placemat oh my goodness I know because I said I said oh my god I mean he'll ever hang out with him again because there's the elephant in the room is I'm sure he'd love to make love to you so how do you I'm not I don't want I would like to keep it as a friendship but I also like kind of like that it was like a it was a what's that called in the pan flash in the pan Like it was like a really fun just night.

2:15:41One off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I like really just have a fondness for him and for that evening. And I don't really. This is how these older men woo you. So they just they're just a good time. And then all of a sudden you're like. I mean, he's definitely listening to this. Oh, well. So shout out. You know who you are. I did overhear him saying he's buying a house in Puglia. Where the hell's Puglia? Oh, Jesus. I know. you're gonna be on a wooden chriss craft boat on lake i did think i thought this is how it happens yeah this is exactly how it happens i'm like and also he's great like he he had a great personality very very enjoyable to talk to funny understood funny yeah which was great key and so like i said I would keep my eyes peeled for someone for him.

2:16:32Uh-huh. More in his age range. I just, I don't know what he is, but I, I, I don't know. I just. Did you ask him what age he dates? I did. Yeah. And what did he say? He said he doesn't have like, he doesn't have any restrictions on that. 20's fine. Basically, it's like 20, 30, 40. He was just like, it doesn't matter as long. And then he gave me some requirements, which were good requirements. He liked that people had their own thing. Yes, of course. Which is what I also like. And me too. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, I... I don't want a passenger. Exactly. He didn't want a passenger. He wanted some...

2:17:08But he also did because he was like, he's ready. He, you know, he's like lived a big life already. And he's ready to like travel and do a bunch of things. So he kind of, he needs someone. So this is, I'm putting this out there for people who are interested and I can set you up. Okay. He is. 20 to 60, if you're listening. And someone with purpose and has their own thing going on. But he also wants to travel and stuff and want a partner. He is in a little bit of a pickle here. Yeah, yeah. But there's going to be someone for him. Well, he sounds very charming. He was. He was fantastic. He got through to you.

2:17:47That's. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Extremely hard to do. Yes. I'm blown away by both parties. It was really fun. Okay. Those are both wonderful stories. And I have a tiny one that's just not wonderful. It's just me telling myself only because it just came up in an armchair anonymous. Oh, what? And I wanted to tell you just because it was one of the more awkward things I've ever done. Oh, no. So this is back in Tennessee over the summer. Delta had a friend flying in. Uh-huh. And that's a whole process if an unaccompanied minor is flying. Oh, right. Yeah. So you got to go to the airport. You know, you got to you declare yourself.

2:18:25They need all this information on you. Great. And you got to get there really early to get a not a boarding pass, but a pass that can get you through security to get you to the gate. Right. Yes. So I left the house and I was like, OK, I got to go pick up my Hyflector 2000. That's my that's your instrument. And because it required signature, I had it delivered to Walgreens because I was afraid we wouldn't be home. Oh, smart. You ever do this? I don't. I hate signature. Just to everyone in the world, no more signatures. I agree. Did Delta go with you? No. Oh, it was just you. Okay. It was just me because it was hours, right?

2:19:03I was going to have to be there early then, whatever. And she wouldn't have been able to come through the gate. Oh, she can't? Right. So I might leave her in the lobby of the airport. So anyways, I leave my house and I'm on the edge of me being comfortable. I'm like, I got to get to the airport and check in. I want to make sure this little girl isn't getting off of a flight for a first time flying by herself and I'm not standing there. Yeah. So I'm a little stressed about that. I probably shouldn't have tried to pick up the thing, but I'll just turn left just a mile and then I'll be back on track.

2:19:31So I go into the Walgreens and I say like, Hey, I'm picking up a package. And he's like, okay, the name. And I say, Dax Shepard, and here's the address. And so, uh, she can't really find the box, but I can see the box. We're already in that situation, right? And I'm like, Oh, why can't she see that? But I think it might be that one. Right. So, So she gets the box and then she comes up and I show her my license and it says my name on the box. And she goes, okay, the tracking number. And I go, oh, I don't know the tracking number. And she's like, well, I can't give you this unless you have the tracking number.

2:20:05And I go, even though it says my name on there and I'm showing you my license. No. I go, okay, let me go out to the car to get my phone to see if I can find this tracking number. So I go out to the car, I get my phone. And, you know, you would think it'd be easy to find it. It's not easy to find. I get so many emails from FedEx and UPS. I don't even know which carrier it's been sent by at this point. I'm going through forever. And now I'm starting to get like, oh, fuck, man. What if I can't find this? You know, I'm getting a little stressed. Finally, I find it. Great. Oh, my gosh, I find it. And as I'm turning to show her the phone, she doesn't even look.

2:20:39She goes, OK. And then she grabs this tablet. Right. And I'm already like, you didn't even look at the tracking number. i'm just like why did we have to do that yeah like what is this protocol it doesn't make a ton of sense to me and then she gets out this iphone-y type thing to sign i go okay no problem i sign and i go uh i'm about to grab the package she goes no we got an initial some places and then so it's like she finds in one of the places to do an initial i do one of the initials I go to grab the box and then she goes, hold on. We got more. And she's now she's scrolling through the thing.

2:21:18And I, I, I, I just kind of snapped. I go, and this is, I go, I go, I love you, but I'm taking this box. I got to go. And I just grabbed my high flector and I walk out and I get in the car and I go, I just said to her, I love you, but I have to take this box. and I have to go. Okay. And I'm like, why? Why did I say that? Why did I say I love you? And then I was like, oh, it's because almost every time I have to, we get to that point with the kids and I got to go, I love you, but we're not going to that restaurant at nine o 'clock at night. It's always I love you. And here's terrible news, right?

2:22:00And I'm so muscle memory. Just imagine you're her and I go, I love you, but I'm taking this package. Yeah, it's pretty wild. It's so weird. Although I do. I think a lot of people are used to hearing that. I love you. I love you, but. Oh, okay. So maybe to her, she didn't even. You cannot do that. Like I say that. I got to get to the airport and pick up this little girl, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love you. What if you said that? I love you, but I have to get a little girl from the airport. I've shipped in a little girl from another state. Wow. Yeah. Now I have a question. So you pick up Delta's friend.

2:22:34Yes. And how is the car ride with you and this little girl just you two? Well, I know her so well now. She's around nonstop. Yeah, so I know her really well. She's at our house nonstop. Yeah. And I drive her home all the time. Well, Delta obviously always comes when I drive her home. Right, that's what I'm saying. I actually think, like, I'm putting myself in the position of her. Yes, I was, for her, that did cross my mind. Like, oh, my God, she got to ride with somebody's dad. Yeah. For 20 minutes. That would scare me. Not her. I was scared of people's dads. When she was getting, I'm starting to get panicked because I'm watching everyone come off this flight.

2:23:05And, you know, often there's, like, there's these huge gaps. Oh, I know. Because someone can't get their bag out or whatever. So I keep thinking, oh, my God, she's not on this flight. Now what am I going to do? Like I had five mini panics. Yeah. And there was a huge gap. And I'm certain I'm watching the last person get off the plane. Then this long, long gap. And then I see her coming at me down the gangway with a flight attendant. And she like looks at me and throws up like double peace signs. And I'm like, oh, she's a gangster. She didn't care at all about flying on her own. we've also taken this I think I told you I took uh her to Disneyland with Delta on her birthday and she's the one that wanted to ride the rides with Ryan and I over and over again like the ones that were too scary she doesn't give a fuck okay well I love that um so she was fine but that's good for her because I I would be so scared to ride with someone's dad sure yeah and like what are we gonna talk like do I have to talk to him I already had prepared like she I know she where she had been that summer.

2:24:07I know who she's with. I know her family members. So I had many questions to keep the ball rolling the whole ride home. And it was a lovely ride home. And yeah, it wasn't awkward at all. Good. That reminds me when I was little, littler in middle school, I would go to my best friend Gina's house a lot. And her dad and mom were around a lot, but her dad picked us up a lot. And he was still a very cool person, cool dad. And but like, yeah, I would be really quiet around her dad. And then he said once to Gina, he said, what's going on with Monica? Like, she's so quiet. But then when she's in the room with you, like we can hear her like she's like so exuberant.

2:24:55Yeah. And I was so embarrassed. Oh, about that observation. Yes. Okay. And I didn't like that, you know, because I was like, well, now I don't know what to do. Like, I guess I need to be. Turn it down or turn it up. Yeah, I didn't know. I think turn it up on the dad's side. I mean, over time, I ended up knowing him my whole life. So like over time, he did get the full me. Yeah, yeah. But I was just taught to be like, don't talk to people, adults, you know. It'd be my preference. I'm never with a kid by myself. Yeah. That's just I would prefer to not be, you know. Yeah, sure. I don't like, you know, there are times when I'm taking her home and maybe Delta's been told it's time to get ready for bed.

2:25:37And I always go, no, no, you're coming with me. I'm not. I don't want to be. Alone. Yeah, I just, I just, you know. I agree. It's just preferable to me that one of my kids always present if I'm with someone. Exactly. And I would imagine the parents would prefer that, too, as I would prefer. Yes. That mom joins or the friend joins. Yeah. Yeah. So interesting. It really is. Okay, we do a fax. Okay, great. This is for Lizzo. Okay, some facts for Lizzo. Yes. Does Kmart still exist? And then you said in Mexico, maybe. Yeah. Three locations do remain worldwide. Okay. Miami. Oh, wow. But it's a small format store operating in a former garden center.

2:26:22So it's not the old kind. Okay. Charlotte Amelie, U.S. Virgin Islands. Wonderful. That might even be worth me planning a vacation around that. It says a larger department store. And then Guam. Guam. Also a larger department store. Great. Poor Kmart family. Yeah. I hate when things go under. Go under, yeah. Yeah, it sucks. I told you I thought the Kmart mansion was for sale. I think it's maybe even how that even came up. No, it didn't. Yeah, there's a mansion for sale in Michigan. And oh, my God, I think maybe even Jack White owned it or some Detroit famous person owned it and bought it for like, I don't want to say 10 or 12 million dollars at one point.

2:27:07And then now it's for sale for like three, seven or something. But it's this huge castle on like all this property. Why is it just declining in value? I think the same way these castles in England, they cost so much to keep up. They're just like, you know, everything's 120 years old inside, and it's all separated by concrete and stone. You know, it's not easy to access. I just think it's a beat down to keep these things operational. Okay. Is Devil's Night only in Michigan? Yes. Using the specific name Devil's Night for the night before Halloween, October 30th, is primarily a Michigan tradition, especially centered around Detroit.

2:27:47but says there are, while other places do not call it devil's night, many regions across the U S and the UK have a similar night of pranks and minor vandalism. They use different local names. Mischief night. Okay. Not as fun. That's common in New Jersey, parts of New York, Pennsylvania and parts of England. Goosey night. That's used in parts of New Jersey. Sounds like New Jersey. Well, we know New Jersey is. Cabbage night. Common in upstate New York and parts of New England. Gate night used in places like Bay City, Michigan. Oh, okay, Bay City. And then beggar's night observed in areas like Des Moines, Iowa.

2:28:29I've got to say we have the coolest name for it. Devil's night? Well, it's like cut to the chase. Yeah, yeah. Goosey night is silly goose. Or you pinch people's butts. Why? That's what you call goosing someone. You do? Yeah, like it feels like a goose bit your butt. You never grew up hearing that? My mom always says it. Oh, she did? Yeah. Then he goosed me. Oh. Yeah. Or you can say goose the throttle too. I think pinching butts is out of favor. It's very cute. I think it was an 80s thing. It was huge in my junior high and elementary and high school. So 80s, 90s. Yeah. No one was doing that in my youth.

2:29:09I just loved it. I was at my locker and I felt someone pinch my butt and I turned around. I was one of the rascally girls and I loved it. It was so fun. I know. I just don't think it's in anymore. I don't think you're allowed to grab anyone anymore. Well, if they're your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, sure. But even that, I'm saying, I don't think is like a thing. Delta does a lot of butt pinching with her friends. Well, she got that from you. But she didn't. I don't think she did. Okay, I was looking up some urban legends because we talk about urban legends. Now, what do you want to hear? Do you want to hear 50?

2:29:46of the spookiest urban legends from every state. We could pick some states. Just a list of urban legends. That sounds dumb. But then the others are like from a long time. I want to do this one. Okay, it's from Reader's Digest. Ooh, Blast from the Past, Kmart, Reader's Digest. Exactly. Urban legends. Okay, do you want to pick a state? Yeah, I do. I want to pick Florida. Okay. I mean, we should probably save that to last, but. Okay, ready? Yeah. Florida is Captain Tony's. Since 1852, Captain Tony's, the oldest saloon in Key West, has been known to be haunted. Doors slam for no apparent reason, and there are inexplicable banging noises and frequent ghostly visitations.

2:30:27But why? Well, the building itself has a long and storied history, one that includes being built around a tree that the town once used for hangings and for being the site of the town's original morgue. Many died around that tree, including a young woman who allegedly murdered her husband and two sons. She was hanged in a blue dress covered in blood, and she hasn't left the scene appearing to patrons as the lady in blue. Oh, wow. So that's more of a ghost story than urban legend. Yeah, I think these are those. Ghost stories? It says urban legends, but let's look at Michigan. Do Georgia. Okay, yeah, because let's see if we know.

2:31:00Yeah, I'm waiting for a hot dog or a Pepsi bottle or a vacuum cleaner. Uh-oh, I don't know this. Georgia, the song of the cell. Okay. As urban legend goes, in 1848, Elec and his wife Betsy. Was this going to be in Savannah? Probably, yeah. Right. Both enslaved people. Okay. Bad start. Yeah. God, Georgia. Oh, yeah. Were in their home one night when their, this is a bad, this is bad. Their master? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Were in their home one night when their master, drunk and belligerent, crashed through the door. He attempted to attack Betsy, but Elec fought him off. Undeterred, the master, I hate saying that.

2:31:37Uh-huh. The master chased Alec up a ladder into a loft. As the struggle continued, the master lost his balance, fell out of the loft and died. I don't, I can't say I miss him. Even though Alec turned himself in to the sheriff the next morning, explaining that what had happened was self-defense. He was still charged with murder. Oh boy. A common occurrence in the antebellum South. Alec was imprisoned in the old Lawrenceville jail. Lawrenceville's near me. And later. It's a best one silver lining. And later executed unjustly for the crime. People say they can still hear his sorrowful song through the walls of the old jail.

2:32:12This is horrible. These are like ghost stories. All right. Let's look at Michigan. I hated that. And I'm disappointed. Yeah. The word master, you know, it has so many different meanings and applications. And then this one gross one. And it's got the power to take down the word entirely. Like they've dumped it from master bedroom. I know. You got master cylinder. You got, you know, but what if you're a master class? Do you hear mine? Masturbator. Yeah, that's. That was a funny joke. Okay, ready? Michigan. Yeah. But what about people like that are masters at things? Don't you feel bad for them a little bit?

2:32:54No. Because that was a good distinction. I know, but you can just. He's a master carpenter or she's a master sailor. I think you just say expert like we do. Okay. All right. What if this had been called armchair master? Nope. I wouldn't have allowed that. Okay, ready? Michigan, the Nain Rouge. Ever heard of it? Well, Rouge, we have the River Rouge, which is red, right, in French? Mm-hmm. Do you know what Nain is? No. It's dwarf. The red dwarf? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. This is one of the urban legends still recognized today and is celebrated by the people of Detroit every year. They say there's a devilish creature known as the Nain Rouge, French for red dwarf, who causes mayhem in the city.

2:33:38Small and red. This is devil's night, probably. Small and red with a piercing cacklish laugh. He's thought to be seen when disaster is about to strike and is even said to be the reason for the Cadillac Company's downfall in the city. Oh, wow. Okay. That one was less offensive. Why is he driving industry out of the city? I guess he hates his city. He's a rascal. Yeah, he's a devil. Okay, well, those weren't really urban legends. Not as we normally think of them. That was annoying. Okay, now a couple though. Bloody Mary. We all know Bloody Mary. Do you know Bloody Mary? You don't know Bloody Mary?

2:34:10Or you can't say it in the mirror. A famous mirror ritual where chanting a name multiple times in a dark room summons a vengeful spirit. I once had a sleepover and invited my friend and told her about this and she had to go home. Oh, God, you spooked her that much. Oops. the hook-handed killer a cautionary tale about a maniac with a prosthetic hook attacking young couples parked in secluded areas i think i've heard that one yeah started by the moral majority to prevent i definitely heard of this one okay the licked hand a story about a girl who thinks her dog is licking her hand at night only to find the animal murdered and an intruder under her bed i've heard this that feels familiar yeah again like i was saying the expert that was telling us about it is like it's these weird details that end up being sticky so it's like licking the hand right that's what makes it memorable and the small coffin with the i know that's your favorite yeah like why would he where would one get a he's a woodworker he made a miniature coffin oh slender man i'm part of that yeah yeah i saw a doc on that yeah me too okay now can you catch things from a public toilet seat.

2:35:23You are extremely unlikely to catch an infection or sexually transmitted disease from sitting on a toilet seat. Yeah, unless you're married. I know, that was, we already said that.

2:35:37Okay, it says fragile germs. Most bacteria and viruses that cause STDs or illnesses die very quickly when they leave the human body and hit a dry, hard surface. Healthy skin acts as a strong protective shield against germs. to get sick live germs from the seat when you need to directly enter an open wound or your mucus membranes, which is rare from simply sitting down. Also, no, because you've never gotten your vagina on the edge of the seat. I guarantee people have gotten their vagina on the seat. Have you? I hover, but a lot of people sit and I can see what if they kind of fall and then they sit.

2:36:09You'd have to sit on the corner of the toilet to accomplish this. No, like. And then let's just do the math yeah you gotta like side saddle the seat which is insane i just don't see that happening additionally the person before you had to side saddle it to get the scd on that area of the toilet not side saddle okay let's say for the listener monica's pointing at the okay little this is the toilet yeah the u uh-huh so okay the outside of your cheeks go on Yeah. Ah! No, because you would have put your butt cheek in the big hole and you would have fallen over to the side into the water. Look, I know.

2:36:54So if you're hovering, you're hovering. There's no, you would have been touching the front where there's no seat. And again, the seats. Listen, I'm going to take a picture. I don't, I'm interested in why you're incentivized for STDs to be contagious on toilet seats. I'm not. I'm just trying to talk things through. Okay. As a woman who sits on toilet seats and you're a man. Well, you just told me you hover, but. I mean, at mine I sit. Like you're a man, you stand. Yeah. So you don't poo-poo. Well, not when I go overdo. Right. So, but that's different. Okay. So also it does say what you might actually encounter, gut bacteria.

2:37:30Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Toilet seeds can carry small amounts of bacteria like E. coli or strep. Mm-hmm. Disgusting. Okay. Can you get an STD from a hot tub? You cannot. From just sitting in or soaking in the water of a hot tub. Yeah. Unless you're married. They die very... That's such a good joke. They die very quickly outside the human body. And there's chlorine. It says you do not catch an STD from the water itself. Yeah, you'd have to be sliding down the handrail with your vagina. Oh, so you're saying you could. If you slid down and someone else had just slid down. People have done that for sure.

2:38:10And they're doing... Not on their vagina. It would rip it apart. You know that. Even your drunk estate, you would never think it was a good job to hot dog bun the handrail. I wouldn't. But I've been around so many people who are drunk and then they're trying to impress boys. And then the boys size and like, I'll be fun. And then they do that. Okay. Okay. What does Joel Olsteen own? Ooh. What does Joel Olsteen own? Great. a 17 ,000 square foot mansion in Houston, Texas, valued at approximately$10.5 million to$14 million. His net worth is estimated between 50 million and 100 million. He does not take a salary from Lakewood Church.

2:38:55His wealth comes from bestselling book royalties, speaking engagements, and media projects. So his megachurch purchased and moved into the Compact Center, originally known as the Summit in Houston, Texas, Arena. That was the home of the Houston Rockets. Did he ever own the Charlotte arena? Was he there? I don't think so. Oh, wow. So there's another mega church owner that has the Charlotte arena. Okay. Unfortunately, you were wrong. In Run DMC, they wore Adidas, not Feliz. Makes sense. They did have a song about it. Yeah. I wonder who wore Feliz. Well, Lizzo did. Okay. How to pronounce flutist, flautist.

2:39:37So it's based on region kind of. Chef's choice. British English is flautist. American English is flautist. Uh-huh. Though flautist is also used. And it says the more common North American alternative pronounced flutist. So I guess any, but I would say flautist. I'm going to stick with flautist. Yeah, me too. Because it took me the longest to learn. You can't unlearn that. okay now we talked about morning becomes eclectic and you said the guy that runs it like ended up doing a lot of stuff for music supervision was it Tom Schnabel or Schnabel he was the show's originator I know the person I'm talking about did some music placement on parenthood and I'm embarrassed I don't know would you know it if I said it Chris Doritos Doritos

2:40:38it really sounds like that that's could have been chris toritos nick hardcourt nick hardcourt jason bentley i'm just i'm really sorry i'm not gonna know and lit novena carmel and anthony valides so lots of people were programming i guess well these are Over the course of time. Yeah. But if it was parenthood, that would have been... 2012? That would have been Jason Bentley. Okay. That sounds right. Yeah. I'm trying to remember Larry telling me his name 14 years ago, and I just don't have it. I understand. Yeah. Okay. What's a Colorado mimosa? Often called a colomosa. hard cider based twist on the classic champagne cocktail made by mixing traditional hard cider with fresh orange and lime juice.

2:41:28Yummy. Okay, the top most viewed Tiny Desk concerts because you said Anderson Paak's was the biggest ever. You were just saying words. Yeah. Dua Lipa is the biggest. 142 million views. Wowzers. Then Mac Miller. Ah. 137 million. Then Anderson Paak. At what? 118 million okay let's get Anderson up there to the top of the leaderboard Liz remember she said she has under watched yeah watch hers first but also let's get Anderson in the number one slot alright Mac Miller that was my introduction somehow when you know as I told the story tiny desk is so great it's so cool good for them man I know I found a feel Tupac wore feelas?

2:42:23Tupac's in some feelas. Okay. That's cool. And he's in front of a Jaguar XJS. Yeah. It was for an insert of one of his albums. He wore them. They were Grant Hill sneakers. Ah, Detroit. Ding, ding, ding. What a player. Grant Hill. Always led the league in triple doubles. Something just happened with Tupac. His murderer was convicted yesterday. or the day before. Wow. Some 18 years later or whatever it was. Wild. Just think about having murdered someone and you've gotten away with it for like a decade. When do you start thinking like, well, I guess I'm probably. Yeah. I think 14 years in, I would be like, I guess I got away with it.

2:43:07Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Whoa. Can never get comfy. That's one of the. Scary. Prices you pay for being a murderer. The rest of your life, you're like, am I going to prison? Yeah. Do you think they like it? Kind of like what happened with Steve at the pool? Like they kind of get off on like. Well, you know what? I have a little bit of a moral conundrum. Sometimes these people get brought to justice like 30 years after the fact. You read about them. I know. It's like when you read an 82-year-old's getting sentenced to life, I kind of don't like it. I'm like, well, obviously they didn't kill a bunch more people or do a bunch more shit.

2:43:48Plus they did like Robert Durst. Yeah, for sure. So, but I agree if it's like a one and done, but it's still like. It's just like, well, fuck, they were already out for 30 years. They didn't cause any more wreckage. Do we really need to now spend money to make an old person die in jail? It gets tricky for me. It is tricky. I wouldn't, it wouldn't be tricky for me. It was my loved one that was hurt. Exactly. But being outside of that dynamic, I just go like, what's this all about? What's the point of this? so that this guy can die in misery. It depends also on the crime. Yeah. I think. Maybe. I don't know.

2:44:22Yeah. Not saying anything, but just... Okay, I'm not going to say anything. Okay. Do you want to tell me and cut it? No, because you'll be mad. It could be a spoiler. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, wow. You know about a court case I don't know about. All right. Well, that's it. That was everything for Lizzo? Yes. Great episode. Long time coming. I'm glad we got her. Me too. So fun. All right. Love you. Love you.