Mo Amer

22:32They were threatening my mom, my dad, who's in this bedroom? Who's in this bedroom? They were pointing at my bedroom and they were threatening they were going to throw a grenade in the bedroom. Oh, my God. Like, tell us, tell us, tell us. They were trying to figure out who works at the Equator Oil Company since the whole reason of their invasion to begin with is supposed siphoning of Iraqi oil. Was that their premise? They were diagonally drilling in? That's what they were saying. I don't know. That's the bigger conversation to me now. As a grown ass man, I see what's everything going on living in America.

23:02Now I know who's been putting all these people in power. Yeah. Let's talk about that. But that was the premise is that Kuwait was stealing from them and he's there to take it back. But then since it's the Kuwait oil company, so our neighborhood was a hot one. And it was all about collecting people who could help manage and turn over the control of it. Your dad's like, I just do telephones. Well, that's the biggest fucking thing. Communication. Okay. That was probably on their top five list, transferring all communication to at all. So my dad had one choice, either do it or potentially your family is at risk.

23:36Might take them all out. You're not going to find out if they're bluffing or not. Yeah, exactly. You're just going to say, yeah, that's me. What are you going to do? So he was forced to go in and redirect, from what I've heard, some of it at that time. And he regrets it. Didn't feel good about any of it. Well, he had to protect himself and his family. He loved Kuwait and he loved the people of Kuwait. He loved everything there and he was just saddened to see it all happen that way. But he was also just protecting our family. Soldiers would show up early in the morning at our house and all throughout the whole street.

24:04It was pretty regular, but I felt like our house was a spot. And play soccer with these guys. Had me like, hold the machine. I was like, I don't want to hold the machine gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was that weird, different life. Just everything changed. Right. And trying to evaluate, are these guys mean and evil? They weren't. Right. But when they first show up with the guns. They have moments though. I remember this guy, he had a thick stash, huge, but I was really fast as a kid and I played tons of soccer. So I was killing these older guys. He just socks me real hard. And I remember being laid out on the ground and I look up and I see him and this is how he felt like he was laughing.

24:37He goes, and I was like, like a boss. Evil, bro. It felt evil. I know he's not. He was just fucking with me, but I can't forget his face. If a sketch artist was sitting here, I could draw him. You never forget that. But yeah, that was a wild experience that I slept through that first initial invasion. They took over the old neighborhood. My mom and dad are both in a really terrible position. My dad particularly and a bunch of other employees or ex-employees. Some people were able to get out before they came in. Really, really difficult situation, especially with us kids. And there's other kids studying overseas.

25:07What about them? Give siblings? And then the money is gone. Yeah, I'm the sixth of six. Six, okay. So all the money is gone overnight. Saddam said, oh, the Kuwaiti dinar is equivalent to the Iraqi dinar. Well, the Kuwaiti dinar was like four times. Absolutely insane. So how did dad get you guys all out? In the show, I had to tweak it. But in real life, what happened is my mom and myself and my sister out. My brother stayed with my dad. We got on the bus. My mom strategically hid the money in the suitcase in a really insanely savvy way. I never saw the side of my mother. You just think your mom's a superhero at this point.

25:40How are you coming up with this? Like grabbing the razor, cutting back the zipper, putting equal amounts of money on each side. It's incredible sewing it together. I just remember it to this day and going through Ed Ock, basically war zone through another war zone to Amman, Jordan, to my mom, sending my sister and I to Houston by ourselves. How old was your sister? She was 18. So nine and 18. You're so scared. I'm assuming. Miserable. I don't want to leave. I can give a shit about the guns. It didn't bother me at all. I was very fearless. I did not care. I would go out still on my own, scope it out, what's happening in the neighborhood.

26:14I was just kind of crazy that way. But I love my friends and I wanted to see them. And I didn't necessarily allow that invasion to like change that for me. And I knew they weren't going to hurt me. Like they're not going to hurt kids. They were very gentle with children actually. But I didn't want to leave my mother. I thought I could be really helpful. Right. It wasn't like, I don't want to leave you with my friends. No, it was more like, hey, I'm a helping hand. This sucks. I have to go. How are you going to do this on your own? And that was the thing that really ripped me apart more than anything.

26:39Who did she send you to? My brother. He was studying in Houston. Is this the brother that became a doctor? Yes. He's a PhD in biochemistry. street. Super brilliant. Amazing human. And then she, by herself, goes back to Kuwait. And that's where all the real hell started. Because there was all this posturing between America and Iraq, and say, Saddam is saying, go back. No, we're not going to go back. This is ours. Oh, yeah. Then the oil fields went on fire. And now it's a completely different world. Literally, noon looks like midnight. Then, of course, the Iraqis started a retreat. It was a big heists.

27:13They were clearing out Mercedes dealerships the Iraqis were overnight. He released a bunch of prisoners just to create chaos. That was his strategy of war, I guess. Then there was a massive situation that happened with my mom and my dad. My dad in particular, the Kuwaitis started to regain power as they should. It's their country. They started forming these different militias. They came into our house. This is my story from my mom. They knock on the door. They ask as a car for sale because we're liquidating everything. And she goes, I don't know if it's for sale. Let me ask my husband. She asks him.

27:45And as he comes out, they put a hood over him, kidnap him, he's gone. What? She doesn't know where he is. Nothing. Then the American soldiers come in. So you had the Iraqis come in, burst down the door. You had the Kuwaitis come burst in the door. And then you had the U.S. soldiers come burst in the back door. My brother is neurodivergent, has his own issues. It's chaos. He's trying to get medicine for him. She doesn't know where my dad is, who's diabetic and has his own set of issues. It's a whole fucking movie. So my dad was able to call my mom. They were like holding all these people, trying to see who's the actual traitor, who's not the traitor, who's stuck for us, who didn't.

28:21They're trying to regain their power. I honestly don't hold anything against the Kuwaiti. I totally get why they're doing it. Unfortunately, my dad was in an impossible situation. Somebody has to vouch for you. You can't just leave. They got to know it wasn't an inside job for sure. And I genuinely don't hold anything against them. I really love them. The Kuwaitis are some of the gentle, sweetest people. But in this situation, it was awful. She doesn't know where my dad is. So they had like all these makeshift prisons and office buildings and stuff. They were holding people and torture them to a certain degree to get stuff out of them.

28:48And what did they have issues with at the jail? Communication. They couldn't get fucking calls out. They couldn't get a dial tone. So my dad goes, I can fix it. Yeah, yeah. He fixed it for him. While he's fixing it, they're not in a room. He calls my mom. Listen, you got to find the prime minister. He's a friend of mine. He loves me. He's the head guy in Kuwait. You got to talk to him. He's the only one that can free me. Just get to him and let's get the hell out of here. And my mom's like, what about the money? We have to get your money. You're owed this. This is your money you worked 25 years for.

29:19You got to get it back. And my dad's like, fuck the money. He's like, just get me out of this hell hole. And my mom goes, the gangster that she is, I'm going to find this guy and I'm going to get your money. She's driving. Soot is in the air. It's just disgusting. All these oil rigs on fire has caused chaos throughout the roads and the environment and breathing, everything. So now she's just on a journey trying to find him. This is three weeks. Oh, wow. She says there was one time the militia had this checkpoint. They told her, how do we know this car is not stolen? Because people are just stealing so much.

29:49He goes, I need to see the title for this car. She goes, I don't know where the title is for the car. Well, you need to find it. You can't get through here. She goes back to the house. She swore to God. She said, I don't know how it happened. But I couldn't see anything. It was pitch black. I just reach into a pile of papers and it's the title of the car. Most incredible thing. She goes in after weeks and weeks trying to trace this guy down. She finds some jail. She hears that he's there, this prime minister. She's talking to the outside security. She's crying to him saying, my husband's been wrongly apprisen.

30:17He goes, if you don't stop crying, I'm going to put you in jail with him. Like kind of threatening her. She goes, listen, I need to talk to the prime minister. He knows my husband. He gets scared. He's like, what? Oh yeah, he's here. So my mom walks into this building. She can hear guys not having the best time. Let's just say that. Yeah. She's walking down this flickery hallway. She goes and makes a right into the guy's office. She looks around the office. It's pristine. It's gorgeous. It's the direct opposite of the building she just walked through. But then she looks at all the technology in the room.

30:45She recognizes it immediately. She goes, this is all my husband's stuff. And he says, who are you? She tells him who she is. Tells him who her husband is. He freaks out. He's like, where's Mustafa? I love him. Where is he at? He's not a trade. He's a great man. How many letters you need? I'll sign them all. Sign a letter for her. She went back. She'd pick him up at the airport. They meet at the airport with my brother and my dad. Comes in. He's 50 days now, full beard. And they go, where's your two other kids? And she goes, oh, they already left. And they go, how do we know they're not here and they're hiding?

31:15We imprisoned his father. He's innocent. What if they want revenge or something? He's like, we don't want revenge. We forgive you. Forget it. He's over there. He's like, no, now you got to show proof. So she has to go back another two days of that. Then she collects my dad. They go to Amon. My mom and my brother come like nine months later. Wow. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

31:48Yeah, I've never told a story. It's crazy that I said this. 92, your dad called me? About 92. I got Houston two days before Halloween in 1990. And then Halloween happened and I've never seen Halloween before. Why is everybody dressed like demons? Where did my mom send me? It's evil. You heard we were a godless country. You did. Did we deliver? It was so funny. It was so scary. Everyone in devil costumes. I've never even seen cleavage. And like all the girls are naked. I'm like, ooh. It's just crazy. Asking for chocolate and candy. Yeah, exactly.

32:29And I had a British accent. I stuck out like a sword thumb. Nobody really researched the neighborhood we moved into. It wasn't like the greatest neighborhood right out the gate. My brother, he doesn't know he's a young kid too. He's a super nerd. It was next to a stop and go. And that's the only thing we had. I would go there. And that's when I knew America, I'm going to go back to war. What'd your mom and dad do in the States? Once he came to the States, he's an entrepreneur. So he owned electronic stores actually in Kuwait as well, like a side gig. He was like the first best buy there. Like Radio Shack, basically, before Radio Shack.

33:02So he opened up a place in Houston? He opened up a 99 cents store, but then he started with his knowledge, realizing that it's a poor neighborhood. He was like, oh, I can bring telephones that they don't have access to for a really great price. So he brings them in and he starts showing. It was a 99 cents plus. That's how they get you, is that plus. Sure. So he has a wide range of goods. Like how do we owe$20? He adjusted to American culture pretty quickly. Pretty quickly. He learned it. He wore a suit every day. He would call people from the living room and tell them they want a free cruise. He figured it all out.

33:35You want a free telephone. It's$200. Guess what? Congratulations. It's so funny. But he would sell these phones. Had a whole display of a wide variety of phones that did different things. Whether it's a football phone, whether it's one that you could push a hold button. And then it plays music of your choosing. And you're like, what? That was like the tag of that time. So he had all of it and we would sell like hotcakes. So I think that eventually he would have probably gotten back in the telecom and the way that cell phones are today. I mean, I always think about it. I had a discussion yesterday.

34:08I was like, I wonder, probably been very rich, actually. I think about it. Certainly. Yeah. So he dies in 94? December 1995. So you're young. You're 14. I'm 14. Yeah. Why did he die so prematurely? I think it's the losing everything in your late 50s. I say it's like going from rags to essentially riches and going to rags again after spending your whole life trying to create a future for yourself and your family and your kids and having the ability to provide for them on a level that is going to be really difficult to do at this age. And he never really diversified his funds. It was so safe in Kuwait, never really thought something was going to go down like this.

34:50And unfortunately, that's what happened. I think all my dad's friends and my uncles, they all died fairly young. The massive, massive stress of the war, carrying that burden, carrying that weight around really took its toll and eventually chipped away at him, unfortunately. How scary does life get at 14 with him now out of the picture? Oh, it's terrible. Emotionally, you're gone. I was already checked out because my mom didn't come for like nine months. So I was really angry about being there without my mom. My sister is an absolute saint. God bless her. She only knew how to cook one dish. One of the things that my mom gave my sister was a recipe book that had all these different pieces of paper from different eras from my grandmother, my great grandmother, from my great, great, great grandma.

35:35It went back almost 100 plus years. It's pretty intense. But these are all the recipes. These are gold. But she would only make one dish and I just come home seven days in a row. I was like, rice and lentil again. Where's my mom? I want to go home. And meanwhile, cut to my mom. She's like driving through oil fields and trying to find me. You little ungrateful bitch. It was really difficult and I was always very independent and adventurous and I wanted to be out. Nobody could really control me and I didn't know what to do with my emotions. So I was a 14-year-old kid in high school. I was just skipping.

36:08I already knew I was going to be a comedian. Did you make friends easily? Oh, yeah. So you landed on your feet. You were social. It was rough at first. The British English thing did not help. It was a Mexican situation pretty regularly. But then the British accent was like, you're not Mexican. But what the hell are you? Usually in my class, I was the first Muhammad there. I spoke British English. And at times, I did not know that British English, certain words were significantly different meaning than American English. I walked up to my fourth grade teacher. I was like, Mrs. Strand, can I have a rubber, please?

36:37I made a mess on my paper. you know and she's like what you came on your paper you came on your paper you were wearing my friend bruce was like you fucking in fourth grade what is fucking you know like i had no idea we had a cat you don't say cat in british you say pussy and i walked up to bruce at recess the most embarrassing oh no possible spot i was like bruce kiss what he was like what man he was like i have a pussy now isn't it fantastic and he was like what i learned as quickly about black people they can't hold it in they have to tell everybody they're like come on Everybody got around.

37:09Everybody got around. Fresh off the presses. Exactly. He got everybody around in front of the entire class at recess. He was like, watch this. He's like, Mo, do you have a pussy? And I was like, yeah, I have a pussy. It's lovely. It's small and lovely. He just kept going with it. Jose lost his mind. He was like, what, bro? You have a penocho for real, bro? That's the serio, bro? And he was like so confused. This playground sounds like a sitcom. And he paused and he goes, can I see it, bro? Like, I don't believe you. Yeah, I got punched a lot in the beginning, but I learned quickly. You had the right skill set, it sounds like, minimally.

37:44You weren't lonely. That's a blessing. Oh, when I threw a football, everything changed. It was like, oh, this guy can throw the fuck out of a football. Oh, no kidding. You could. I would play ball. I'd play basketball. I was very unassuming. Nobody knew that I could play that well. I wasn't always, like, overweight. I almost died in sixth grade. I hit my head on the bottom of a pool, and that's when I gained all the weight because I was in a neck brace like this the whole time. Oh, jeez. I was almost died. It was terrifying. I don't know why I knew exactly what I had to do. I was spitting blood.

38:13Again, it was almost Halloween. So everybody thought I had like blood capsules and I was joking around at the pool. And I was like, no, guys, I think I'm about to die. I walked right past my mom, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around my neck. I was like, mom, you need to tag me to the hospital. Oh, God. You're so lucky you weren't paralyzed. So lucky you wasn't paralyzed or dead. I just think about it, not even for that. I think about like my mom. She didn't have enough on her plate. Yeah. Okay, so what's happening financially, though, when dad is out of the picture? You just have to fend for yourself.

38:40You have to figure it out. So my mom worked at a Mexican restaurant, which turned into Taco Cabana, which is very famous. Everybody goes to Taco Cabana. Oh, okay. It's like the fast food chain of Tex-Mex. Dinner was lots of Mexican food. But also you can negotiate for rides. Hey, man, I'll throw in a quesadilla. If you can just bring me here or take me there. I had two quesadillas. All right, now you're asking for a lot. We do two quesadillas and tacos, but I'm on four rides. We just negotiate. Honestly, it was really dark, but also some of my greatest years and my friends that I've made when I was 11 years old in that particular neighborhood.

39:14We're like the Sandlot. We made a pact. We're going to raise our kids together. We're going to go to college together. I always said I'm going to be a comedian. You guys are going to go to college. I'll visit you guys. And everything really panned out exactly how we all set out to be. And really, truly, that group of friends, that camaraderie, that brotherhood that we created in that beautiful neighborhood got me through everything. That support system. All the while, you guys applied for asylum. Yeah. You don't have passports, right? You don't have a Kuwaiti passport? No. In the Middle East, it's all about your lineage.

39:43So when you go there, actually, when you enter, they say, what is your origin? And you say, Palestinian. You either get Palestinian ID cards. It's worthless. It's actually worse. My uncle always taught me, don't get the ID card. If you do, then you're not ever going to be able to fly into Tel Aviv when you get your U.S. passport. You're always going to be subjugated to the cages. You literally have to go through this apartheid system where you go through cages. He says, just don't do it. Okay. And even though you were born in Kuwait, you don't have any. That's not how it works. It's all based off of your origin, where your parents come from.

40:14Right. So my parents are both Palestinian, so you're Palestinian. You don't get Kuwaiti citizens because in Kuwait, it's all tribal. So if you're an original Kuwaiti from that area, the government takes care. Like you should. You get a stipend. Yeah. So the resources that your country is producing, you actually benefit from those resources. They can't do it for everyone. So it's like you have to be from that land and your right is your right. My right is in the West Bank in Palestine or in Haifa that was now gone as Israel. So now we go to the West Bank and whatever is there, that's for you. But that's not for you here.

40:44So that's not how it works. It's where you're actually from, where your parents are from, particularly. So I guess we get into some of the complexities of this immigration story you have because you're just waiting forever on the asylum list, however that process works. But in the meantime, you have no passport. You can't come and go. You're just in this kind of purgatory. Yes, exactly. For how long? Took me 20 years before I got my citizenship. But when I turned 18 is when I was able to get a social security card. I was in the system before, but I couldn't get the social. And you can't work until you have a social.

41:17You can't work. I still worked. My mom would volunteer me down there, business owners. And I had jobs that I didn't want to do, but I did. Where I would sell like fake Rolexes or fake watches through my dad. Because he would go to the wholesale district. Once he passed away, Aleel Hamogar. So his friend gave me a job and then I started learning about wholesale business, import, export. And I started seeing, let's see, I'm wearing this nice watch. I'm like, bro, that's crazy. He goes, ah, it's fake. I was like, oh, it looks amazing though. And so I was like, oh, I think I could hustle these in school and on the street here.

41:47All I have to do is wear it. And then they're going to ask me where you got it and tell them it's for sale. So that was my shtick. I would just put on a Versace sunglasses and be working at the cashier or whatever. And probably be like, oh, man, those are dope. I'm like, oh, it's the last pair, bro. I'll sell them to you if you want. It's 125. They would leave. I'd take out another pair and put it on. Sure, sure. Your second to last pair. And it would be so bad because at the end of the week, they're all wearing the same shit. And they would come in really mad and aggressive. Like, bro, you told me it was the last one.

42:12I was like, look, look, look, look, look. For real, though, this is one of one. This Movado watch is the only one I have. There's no other design of this. I promise you nobody else is going to have this. And they'd be like, oh, man, that's cool. I was like, yeah, I would sell that one. Oh, my God. I was really good at it. To the point, my dad's friend put his own stand up. And I was like, why are you doing this? You're not going to compete with me? This is crazy. He goes, bro, you're selling at my location. And that's where I learned about business, right? It was like, oh, I'm using your place of business.

42:43I owe you commissions. You got to kick up. I didn't know this. And he goes, it's a valuable lesson. Don't worry. You still sell. Just give me the commission. I was like, okay. Yeah. When we meet Mo on season one, he's selling shit out of his truck. She's got like a full shot. It's a very condensed version. I really wanted to do more with it, but I think there's not enough space and it's so hard to figure out. In the first season, it was a whole thing with COVID and civil unrest and George Floyd. It was like a nightmare making season one. It was really, really tough. But season two, I had the whole vision for it.

43:14I knew exactly what I wanted to do at the time. To do the Reader's Digest version, you go to the rodeo and Bill Cosby's performing. You're young and you see that. You decide you want to do that. You're a shit student. and a teacher says to you, I'll let you stand up so long as you're making fun of the course material. Yeah. That's a lucky weird thing that happens. Mrs. Reed and Ms. Broderick, my English teachers, specifically Mrs. Reed, she really was noticing that I was losing it because I was a pretty good student before that. And I basically threw away my ninth grade year essentially at that point.

43:45And she was trying to salvage whatever she could out of me. She said, if you go up in front of the class, like at first she said, how would your father feel if you don't graduate? Which I was like, oh, that's a cold shot. Hit me in the hardest way. And then she was like, don't you want to be a comedian? I was like, yes. Look, I'll let you do stand-up in class. If you could throw in some Shakespeare that we're working on now, you'll get extra credit, but you don't always have to do it. And I was like, great, can I do it now? I literally went in front of the class, read out of the book. I don't know if it's by heart.

44:12It's a monologue from Macbeth. You know, like, I don't fucking know this. And so I did just a funny version, the British voice that I used to have. And kids were dying. I was like, I'm hooked. So I was like, can I come in tomorrow? And I'll write a set tonight. And she was like, okay. Did it. Killing. I was like, oh my God. And then I would just do it every Friday. And she took me into the theater arts department. It was Miss Kreisner. I'm still closer to this day. My theater teacher from high school. She goes, listen, this kid's been coming to class. He's doing all this original material I've never heard before.

44:37He's doing all these accents. It's hilarious. She goes, I think he belongs here. Yeah, I am. And I was like, maybe. The next year, did theater. Graduated with honors in theater. Honorary thespian. Had a partial scholarship for the School of Film and Television in New York. I passed on that. I didn't even tell a single soul. I don't want them to talk me into it. I didn't want to leave my mother or my brother. I wanted to be close and just build up my stand-up chops and let that define my career. And then you enter at 18, this funniest Texan. Houston's Funniest Person Competition. They have this around the country in each city, but that was a big one.

45:06If you can get into that. That was my first time on stage at a comedy club. And I get there and I was so excited. And my buddy Nick, who drove me to the club, he was my guy. He still is. For two quesadillas. Yeah, for two quesadillas. That's right. He looks at me. He's trying to be corny. He's like, you ready, Mo? This is the first day of the rest of your life. But he was being serious also. And then I went up, caught the bug, made this wildcard position. I realized when I signed up, I was like, oh, shit, my material is for high school students. These are grown-ass adults. Yeah, yeah. I need to fix this.

45:32So I rewrote something till three o 'clock in the morning. I go up, I do it. And I get into the system that way. And I find out what I need to do. I joined it the following year. I made the finals, didn't win the thing. But then I went off and just started doing stand-up by the time I was 19, 20 years old. I was already headlining shows and traveling overseas without a passport. Yeah, how is that? You got a refugee travel document, and it was a really painful process, very expensive. But that was the only way to go overseas. Because you were doing a lot of stand-up bases, right? I did some bases.

46:03The first tour that I did was April of 2001. It was Italy, Germany, and Sicily. It was a baby, obviously five months before 9-11. It was just a totally different experience. And then I went to Japan, Korea, and Guam, all those military bases in February of 2002. It was the polar opposite from the first time. Now everything is heightened. But I wanted to do those shows and be myself because I was deathly afraid of being myself. I said, if I can go in front of the troops and be myself, talk shit, make them laugh, I can be myself in front of anybody. That's why they loved me. I went on many, many tours.

46:37And my experience was actually that the soldiers themselves had interacted with someone like me many times. And they were excited to see me. Versus when I was touring in the South early on in my career, it was their first interaction with someone like me. It was that polar opposite. They're actually well-traveled human beings and more knowledgeable than you think. And it's not as unsafe as I thought it was. I went back to Iraq. I did shows there still with a refugee travel document. In War Zones, the very place that we left, and I'm doing shows on bases all throughout Iraq in the most desolative locations where they can fucking kill me and throw me somewhere.

47:18No one's going to care. I had some of the best sets and one of one experiences in a state in Saddam Hussein's palace, which is converted into a hotel. And I just went there just to see it for myself and collect information and put this thing to rest that's in my heart that was just lingering. And I wanted to see my aunt that I haven't seen in 19 years. She was the only one that was still living in Kuwait at the time. So it was many different things. I had to sneak into the country, basically. I'm here for the U.S. government, kind of just moving him in that direction. He was like, okay. And he just let me in.

47:46And then when I was leaving, I stayed three extra days to see my aunt. And I wasn't supposed to. Right. So the military wanted to walk me back to the airplane with the other comedian, Olivia Arrington. And I was like, we're fine. We're adults, bro. We're going to go. And he's like, no, no. In military protocol, I got to escort you all the way to the plane. I was like, god damn it. How the hell am I going to do this? And Olivia's like, maybe you go hide in the fucking bathroom. I was like, okay. And then he gets a call and he runs to the SUV. See him talking. This is what's going on. He comes back.

48:12He's like, sorry, guys. Bradley Cooper just landed from Afghanistan. I got to go get him. We're like, all right, thank you, Bradley. You want to hear something crazy? I was with him. Yes. Dude, that's fucking nuts. It was me. Dude, I remember his body just got chills. Yeah, that was wild. Dude, I remember the fucking flyer. It's all hitting me right now. Yeah, and we were in Kuwait and we went on a boat ride in Iraq. There was like Zodiac boats and they were fucking doing cool maneuvers and shit. Bro, I want to like laugh and cry at the same time. Somehow I'm involved in you getting to go into Kuwait.

48:48Gas simulation. I didn't see that coming. Bro, I didn't see it coming either. Yeah. That's when I got the fucking food poisoning coming home from that. We had been in Afghanistan for eight days and I had been eating at the DFAC like microwave hamburgers. We get to the Kuwait first class lounge and I'm looking at all this fresh tabouli and delicious vegetables and I'm pounding it. And Cooper goes, bro, you're going very hard on the salad bar in Kuwait. And I'm like, it's good. It's a first class lounge. That's what gets you, by the way, is the damn salad bar. Yeah, it's always salad. Listeria. You gotta be careful.

49:21100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, I'm freaking out. That's fucking hilarious. I'm freaking out because I did tell Bradley that story. Bradley Cooper. That's so wild. Yeah. I remember the fucking poster. Was there anyone else or just you two? There's another person. It was Bradley and his cousin, me and Aaron Eckhart. Oh, my God, dude. That's really wild. We literally crossed paths. They were literally all there at the same time then. Because I was about to say, yeah, they didn't let us do shit. Anytime we tried to wander or stray or the first time I went, we landed in Qatar. The G.I.s took us to a nightclub and it was like, I'm going to go on the dance floor.

49:55I had to get that cleared. There's too much. They don't want the drama of getting kidnapped or some shit. It's not about getting kidnapped. It's you really making an ass of yourself and making them look bad because there's literal money at stake that they get every year. Yeah. Last thing they want is that getting fucked up. Bozo. So guy bozoed out, you know. Yeah. That's it. Like, thanks a lot, but we're getting half a billion dollars over here and you want to have a good time. I thought I fucked up this country. Yeah. Monica's so sick of this story, but I still think it's very funny that I did this.

50:22I had heard on my first tour that Larry the Cable Guy was coming the next week. And, you know, they make you sign all this shit when you're there. You're signing the Apaches, the Blackhawks. You're just signing everything. Yeah, yeah. And everything I signed, which had been signed by all the previous people, I wrote on every single one, get her done, Dax Shepard. Because I'm like, he's not going to have the catchphrase. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to steal it. I love it. What does he write? I really like that. It's kind of like what you were saying at Kimmel. I love that, actually. They didn't make us sign shit.

50:53We walk in like, come on, get on stage, bitch. Tell us a joke, whore. Okay, guys. Hey, it's really rough out here, eh? If you were tracking your stand-up career, when are the big level ups? Because, of course, I become aware of you watching Rami, which I love. And I'm like, who's this most hysterical person who needs his own show and then immediately had his own show? Thank you. That's my experience with you. So what was happening in the stand-up? It's different levels that you start to pass. In 2011, Dave was making his comeback, starting to really tour. And then we happened to be in the Bay at the same time.

51:28He was in Oakland. I was in the Bay doing stand-up. And it was me and my buddy, I was a respondent, long-time collaborator, worked for years. He was like, Dave's in town. Let's just go over and hang out. So I would go over, hang out with him. He was like, hey, you want to open? I was like, yeah. I'd go up. And then he was like, you want to come tomorrow? I was like, yeah, cool. He was like, you know, I'm going to Atlanta. You want to come to Atlanta? I was like, yeah, cool. Next thing you know, it's eight years of just constant touring with him. But 2014 was the big turning point for me with Dave.

51:53He just gave me the inspiration. after a show at the House of Blues in Dallas. He walks up to me after my set. He's like, Mo, man. He said, it's killer, bro. What if you do a short film in front of your special? I produce it. I think if you do it right, you could win an Emmy. And it hits me in the shoulder. I was like, oh, shit. Short film. I couldn't sleep to save my life. It was like a week or two of me just obsessing on what this short film would be. Must have listened to 100 tracks. some really visual personality music to help me illustrate the entire picture and it just clicked when i listened to elvis presley's that's all right mama that song that's all right mama that's all right now that's all right mama you just do as you do oh that's all right you know when he did that i saw my mom putting everything together getting us out of kuwait i just saw the entire thing which is the same scene that's in episode seven now of the first season i wanted it to be the opening but anyway i put it together i was like this is it i was trying to pitch dave on it and dave was like oh god what if this sucks you know i inspired this guy to fucking do it it's a personal story tell him it sucks it's always a scary thing i get that but i knew it didn't suck i knew it was badass yeah it was on the bus on tour in austin i grabbed his speaker i was like you're listening to this and i put it in put it down and i mapped the whole thing out for him and he was smoking a cigarette.

53:17He goes, shit, Mo, that's genius. Don't do it in the special. You need to do a TV show. I was like, fuck a TV show. So I became this whole other obsession. So I started writing down all these really transformative moments in my life, young kid or teenager or an adult, my experience in war, all these significant scenes, or even a moment with my grandmother, how she was teaching me how to eat hummus, things that I've never forgotten that I put in season two I just put them on index cards scene by scene I would work it out so I'd had a hundred scenes accumulated that I just could mine through I told Rami about it 2014 early 15 actually I was like yeah I think I have this idea but I want to do my stand-up special he goes no let's do your tv show this is great like yeah but I think I should do my special first I did for Netflix at that point that explains a lot of the story and then I can go into the series and then he was like well fuck if you're not gonna do that I'm going to make my own show.

54:12So he goes off and makes his own show. He was like, come do my show. And I was like, I don't know. Because you want to do your own show? It's not about the own thing. I'm just very protective of ideas. And once you put ideas out, they're kind of over with. I just didn't know if it was right or not. I really wasn't sure. Because you're playing Mo, who owns a restaurant on Rami. And you're like, well, now am I stuck with that character? Right, right. People would tell me that that was like an argument initially. And I was like, I really don't care. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nor should you. But I could see that being something you were hung up on.

54:44That was something I was totally hung up on. I was thinking about it. It was just like, I was just curious. And then later on, he always jokes. He's like, remember, I begged you to do this. I was like, no, he didn't fucking beg me. It was just going through the bullshit, you know, just trying to figure it out and making sure that it's the right thing for you and for me. Like, it's all love. Last thing I want to do is do something bad for you either. It was an awesome thing. But being on Rami is the first onscreen acting. I think I did Crashing first, like a guest star. That was Pete. Pete. Yeah, Pete's show.

55:12This is an impossible question to answer for you, but you're immediately so insanely natural. Were you shocked by your own ability? Are we trying to be humble right now? That's what I'm saying. You can't really answer this question, but I have to imagine there's a big relief at how fucking relaxed and in your body you are. Oh, thank God. Yeah, for sure. That's an unknown. It's not easy. Most people are not. Most people are bad at it. You get really rigid in front of the camera. Most people do. I feel like I was completely born to do it. It felt so good and comfortable. Loved it. I felt like I finally was doing the thing that I was always meant to do.

55:49Maybe more than stand-up? It's close. I love stand-up so much. I love stand-up because of the vulnerability and allowing yourself just to speak your mind and the ability just to do three shows at Chicago Theater, man. It's its own thing. But we just did 10 ,000 people. I'm just backstage literally thanking God before I'm introduced. Just remembering sleeping on fucking floors in every spot that you could imagine, every airport, every courtyard, anything just to try to make it. So I'm very grateful for that. But this whole experience is like, oh, this is what I'm built for. I'm built to tell stories.

56:20I'm built to do television, built to do movies. Doing Black Adam was huge, too. I felt so natural in all that. And I just started reflecting about my life. You know, I didn't create myself. It's okay to talk about it. Like, I didn't make me. You're the product of a lot of context. But also there's certain things, bro, that'll blow your fucking mind. The guttural feeling I had when I saw stand-up for the first time and the journey that it was supposed to take me on, that wasn't the first time. I thought it was, but it's not. When I was seven in Egypt, my dad took us to a play. And the lead of that play, his name is Adel Imam.

56:55He's an iconic Middle Eastern actor, Egyptian. He's like the goat of all goats of all comedic cinema and live performance. I love this man. I watched him. I'm seven. I don't really even know totally what they're saying, but it's a captivating experience. On that trip, there is a photo that literally tells the future. If you look at that photo, I know it sounds crazy to say this, but I'll show it to you. It literally tells the entire future of what I'm supposed to do. It's absolutely baffling. And then my mom, as much as she was so worried about my future because she's never heard about staying up is a really viable art profession or a career path so long when it's arduous one of course she has every right to be like this fucking suck i know engineering results in a roof over yeah exactly but she didn't really understand and then she told me recently she goes when you were 18 months when you barely could start walking you're running around you would turn off the tv and you would start entertaining us on front of the television it's already there i don't know why it's there but it's there but then this picture bro it'll freak you i gotta pull it up yeah we We need to see it.

57:57Okay, we have the picture up. This is in Egypt. This is the last family vacation in 1988. I'm in the red short, right? Yep. 1988, the guy that has hands on my shoulders, his name is Yusuf Idris. He's literally one of the most legendary screenplay and authors of any generation of Middle East. Okay, I'm wearing a shirt that's basically a U.S. military recruitment shirt that nobody fucking knows I'm wearing. Clearly, we've run out of stuff because we extended our stay. It says join the forces, kill. It's absurd, right? My mom clearly run out of shit, right? So it's there. It's gone. She just picked out a bunch of stuff.

58:41We ran out of things. She didn't even look at it. I have a camcorder. It's an over-the-shoulder camcorder. This is the very camcorder that I found 30 years later that's in the series. If you watch the ending, that's what I'm holding. You show footage of your father in Palestine, right? I do. When my aunt told me about this camcorder, I was literally asking about it two days prior. I was on tour in the Middle East. I look at my manager. I'm like, look at this picture. I was reflecting on this photo. And I was like, wait, what does this fucking shirt say? And I started zooming into it. I was like, oh my God.

59:11And I look at the camcorder. I was like, I have so many memories with this camcorder. It's insane. I was like, Mustafa, isn't it crazy? The guy who has his hands on my shoulders is one of the greatest writers of our generation, of filmmakers, storytellers. I have a camcorder on my hand. The two main characters after me in my show is my mom and my brother. And the US military invades Kuwait two years after this. That is wild. Yeah, that's really fucking wild. It's so insane. And the camcorder itself goes missing. I think it's gone. I'm bringing this up in Kuwait. I'm being really reflective. It's very painful.

59:46And also I'm going there. They're building a tent for me to do a show. It's like, oh my God, what's happened? And really in this deep sense of reflection, my aunt is going in and out of memory. She's having Alzheimer's, starting to really get worse. But she remembers me. She's holding my hand. Don't go, don't go, don't go. I'm just looking at the clock. I was like, aunt, I'm so sorry. I have to go up in like an hour. I have to go. She's like begging me not to go. It was so gut-wrenching. I'm sitting there in my hotel room just crying. Yeah. Bro, I wonder what happened to this camp quarter. I always remember this.

1:00:17I'm just reflecting and how everything is happening. and I hear people cheering from outside the room. It's a 2000 seat or whatever they built for me. This is just surreal. Trying to integrate all this. Trying to just make sense of it all. Like, how did this all happen? It's nuts. I was like, everybody, can you please leave? I just didn't know how to reconcile. I was having, not like anxiety about going on, but I just didn't know how to channel my feelings anymore. And so I called, actually FaceTime Dave. He was like, oh shit, man. You're going to have one of the best fucking sets you ever had.

1:00:42I already see it. And I just wiped my tears. I was like, you're right. Went up. It was literally one of the best. I did 90 minutes just destroying the place, freestyling, integrating Arabic to English. It was like a master class. It was like fucking two days later when I'm on Jordan, I'm visiting my other aunt and we're hugging kisses. She's loving on me. She's like another mom to me. We just ate a really dense meal and I was trying not to like pass out. And I hear her say, I have a camcorder. That's what it sounded like to me. I was like, what? Oh, God, it's so sleepy. I was like, did she say a camcorder?

1:01:15No. And I didn't register it. Then I see her walk back in. She has back problems. She's in her late 70s. This camcorder, I was like, what the? I freaked out. And then my cousin walks in with a bag full of VHS tapes. I was like, what is going on, dude? That night, I'm in the hotel room. I'm staring at the video camera. I have my opening act, Adi Khalifa, and my management stuff in the room. I can't stop thinking about it. And Adi goes, you want to see if it works, don't you? I was like, yeah. I open it up, plug it in, comes right on. I was like, give me a VHS tape. Like watching the little viewfinder.

1:01:50First tape, Michael Jackson. I was like, I'll take it out. The next tape, Michael Jackson. I was like, guys, next tape, it's a house party. We don't know where. We don't know what it is. I'm watching for about five minutes. I was like, oh, where's my dad? I really want to see my dad. I was like, ah, he's probably filming. Damn it. Right as I say that, he walks under the frame. He's taking pictures of everybody. He's like dancing. I'm losing it. I'm like laughing. Yeah. Crying. laughing, crying. Meanwhile, my friend Adi, my opening eye, I didn't know he was filming, but I was for 17 minutes watching.

1:02:25He filmed the entire thing. And I caught footage of me as a little kid in our house in Kuwait. And it was just insane to get footage from my dad that I didn't know existed anymore. Nobody had. And I found it almost 30 years later. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:02:53Did it almost help you go, oh yeah, that was real. It did. That's a great way to put it. It's so far away in so many ways, geographically and time-wise. To see it, I would imagine you'd go like, oh, right, I haven't imagined this whole thing. No, this is absolutely real. And, of course, seeing my mom and young and she's serving fruits. And there was a tape where we were at our house. And my dad is very hospitable. He just loves artists as well. He'd have people there. It was guys reciting poetry, freestyling. And they would get your name. You would go, Dax, Dax, Dax, Dax. You know, they would play off with it.

1:03:24And they would go on a rant about you. It was so special. And I'm sitting there wide awake. And all the little kids are like sleeping, except me. You can tell I'm loving this. You want in on it. It was super cool. Just having footage of my dad grabbing me like that. It just killed me, man. I was like so happy. While I'm recreating this scene in the series, I forget that Idy, because I cast him as my cousin in the show. And as we're about to do the scene, he goes, remember I was with you when that happened? He's like, remember I filmed it. I was like, oh my God, Idy, that's right. I send it to my editor.

1:03:54I was like, hey, here's the doc footage of me discovering it. Here's the actual footage that's on there. If you could just hold it for me and then do a rough cut at the end. So people know that there's a real story. And when I saw it in the cut, I lost my fucking mind weeping. Like, what did I just do? It was like one of those things that only the divine can facilitate something like that. It's impossible. I think it's hard when people die. You kind of remember their death. That's the first thing that is top of mind. So to click back into their life when they were happy and joyous and living with vitality, that's a gift.

1:04:29I feel that. Oh, that's beautiful. Now, the show is twice 100 % on Rotten Tomatoes. You won, and I'm very jealous. There's only one award I've ever coveted and I campaign for all the time. And I don't even know what it gets awarded for, but the Peabody. Yes. That to me feels like, oh, you transcended Hollywood somehow. It was beautiful. It's kind of a rad group to join. of the people. For sure. Malcolm Gladwell. I felt that way about the AFI too. There's just a room and they only pick 10 shows and 10 films and that's it. That's so cool. And you're just in that room. You're like, oh my God, Sigourney Weaver, fucking Steven Spielberg, James Cameron and I talking about watches.

1:05:07Better Call Saul is honored so you have everyone there. Bob Hoden Kirk. I'm like, what's going on, bro? It's nuts. And then they bring in Al Pacino to tell a story like out of nowhere. It was like, I hate award shows. I really hate award shows because there's a bunch of losers. but you guys are all winners. That's nice. That's nice. He really walked in like that. He was like, I got a paper. I got a speech, but I fucking hate papers. I just want to tell you a little story. One of the best stories ever. I don't know, you know, the first role I did was the Godfather. You heard of it. I can't believe it.

1:05:40I'm fucking doing a Godfather. I just got to tell you before this, though, you know, I did a lot of drugs and alcohol, you know. It got me through a lot of hard times. It really worked out well for me. I'm not advocating for it. I'm just saying it was really good for me. Let me tell you something. Did I get nominated for an Oscar? I couldn't believe it. I got nominated for an Oscar. So what I did was I took so many fucking quaalus and I drank so much. I was fucked up out of my mind. My manager at the time had to wash my hair. Couldn't even wash my fucking hair. Takes me to the Oscars. You know, we're at the Oscars and I'm sitting in the chair just fucking losing my mind.

1:06:15High out of my mind, drunk. And then I realized, oh my God, what if I win? I gotta walk up to the stage oh no now I'm panicked I look over my manager I was like is it almost over he goes it's only been 40 minutes we've still got another three hours to go he goes oh no three hours I can't handle it and he was so paranoid I'm so paranoid about it what if I win I gotta walk on the stage I can't walk it's impossible I can't even stand up how am I gonna go give a speech it's not gonna work out and it comes up our category finally comes up and I go the winner is Jack Lemmon and I fucking celebrate Celebrated, yo.

1:06:50I was so fucking happy. And the next day in the papers, they were like, look how beautiful Al Pacino is. What a great supporter of art. I was just happy I didn't fucking win and have to walk up on a goddamn stage. Hysterical. And then he goes, okay, I'll read from the paper now. Since the baby was like right there. That was a great experience. Yeah, that's right. But it seems like the show's wrapped up. Yeah. Yes. look you get as many swings as you can and you don't know how many you're gonna get so i feel sincerely this second season is like a masterpiece i feel like the eighth episode is something so unique chris story gave me one of the sweetest compliments and he was just like you did something really dangerous but never inflammatory which is an enormous feat and it was tender it was thoughtful it was sweet it was heartfelt it was funny and kudos to you when he said that to me, I was like, thank you.

1:07:44I felt really seen because it was almost basically an impossible position to be in. Do you talk about October 7th? Do you have it? Do you get into it? Did season one wrap on October? No, season one didn't really have a particular date to it, but I decided to date the entire second season. So when it opens up in the first episode of season two, you could see it's September, 2022. And then it takes us all the way to October of 23, but then the whole season ends on the 6th of October in Tel Aviv Airport before their strip search. So I did that very deliberately because every time I started, first of all, if we talk about it, then that means the family doesn't get to go back, obviously.

1:08:24They can't go back and visit if there's a war going on. Not going to happen. Secondly, you're making everything seem like it all started at that point, which is also not fair. And people need to know contextually what the world looked like before that. Thirdly, every time I started getting into it, it became a full-blown drama and the base of the show is comedy and we explored it i wanted to see what it looked like i'd do a gut check right away i was like uh does not feel good that's not it you only have two seasons this is the best foot forward here and if there's a scenario where a third comes around or the question comes up do you want to do it do you want to get into it i'd have to really think about it because i genuinely believe i'm being objective sincerely the first season was really, really hard.

1:09:05And I'm blessed that we were able to get all the accolades we did for the first season. But what I was able to pull off with the second season, I feel so blessed that I had such a great support system, wife, my having a son at the same time, being so focused on nothing else and just so zoned in about making sure to tell the best possible story. And I feel like we did that. I'm so relieved. You know what I mean? Because it is an impossible position. A lot of opportunity for failure. Exactly. Whenever you take on something that has about 90 ways it can go bad and then a couple it could go good. Well, also people who have their own projections on the subject matter.

1:09:48Which is everyone. Exactly. Which is immigration, Latinos. It's not just the Palestinian family represents many different buckets, right? We go into a detention center in episode two. I've never seen that in any show, much less a comedy, but also telling these detailed stories, showing also how privileged I am as a refugee in comparison to other people's experiences. Another guy's talking about cartel apprehending them for four days. And he's like, how'd you get here? Like, well, I took a bus. And then I took a short swim. And he tries to make himself feel better. Like, well, you know, in the 90s, we fled the Gulf War, you know.

1:10:17But then we took a flight. I think it was Delta. So just showing how absurd even I am in my own scenario. And I just love that misdirection of like, you think it's going to be a hypersexual comedic situation and then it goes into a political conversation, which things do, especially in that environment. I would have put the mask on. Yeah, I wouldn't. I couldn't do it. If anybody else in the room might have performance anxiety for sure. Any sexual activity for sure. The ambassador wants him to fuck his wife with a... A luchador mask. A luchador mask. Yeah, it's also a Palestinian to do it. He doesn't want to do it.

1:10:49I can't do it. I physically can't do it at all. And so it was genuinely me. I know you had to tell the line between the character and myself. But I remember having like a girlfriend and she had this dog and he kept looking at me while we're, I was like, dude, stop looking. I was like, I can't, you got to get this dog out of here, bro. It's making me feel terrible about myself. Our old dog. She loved to watch. I'm so shy, bro. I'm telling you, I'm super shy. Even if it's a pet. A loved one. Yeah. It's like, bro, what are you doing? But our dog Lola didn't just want to observe. She wanted to like walk around and get a little closer.

1:11:21Sometimes I feel fur on my leg. No, come on. And then I was like, Lola's a fucking pervert. And I was like, wait, is that what's going on? Or when Lola looks at me, I feel like a pervert. I'm aware of how perverted I am with this third person. I'm really sad we brought this up now. No, it was fun to play with that. Okay, so now you're on tour. Yeah. And the name of your tour is El Oso Palestino Tour. The Palestinian Bear Tour. The Palestinian Bear Tour. Which is a play on the character in the show. It's just side jobs to make a living in Mexico. He's a luchador, but he's really just there to get his ass kicked.

1:11:57He doesn't have any skill set whatsoever. I did a few of those takes, bro. That shit is real, man. It hurt like a motherfucker. My back went out a few times. I'm like, dude, what is going on? They're like, hold on to the rope. Squeeze your abs. And then we're going to hold you from your ankles. But you got to hold yourself. And I'm like, who? I'm not planking. It's an extraordinary plank. I could plank for several minutes. Shockingly, I can do it. I didn't want to offend you. I knew you were a good planker. You can't tell on Facebook. No, we already know about the athleticism. Yeah, it's shocking.

1:12:28Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. Gracias por eso. No, for real, it's a female. She's like kicking my ass. And I'm like, bro, this is it. Where's the stunt guy? Get him in there. I thought this was going to be fun. This was a disaster. Get me out of this suit. It's hot. I'm sweating. I did Black Adam. I can do my own stunts. Let's go. No, I can't. I can't do all of them. That's not your lane. Driving a car like a lunatic and getting thrown from the ropes are completely different things, buddy. Yeah, completely different things. So how many dates are you doing? I think I've done 45 already. I'm not sure.

1:12:59You can get tickets on my website, moamer.com, M-O-A-M-E-R.com. You can follow me on Instagram. I got to film another special. So I'm just going hard. I want this to be spectacular. I want it to be the best special that I've ever done. And I feel like with getting older, having a son, and what's going on in the world, the way you filter things and when you see things, everything is different. I see things really differently. As a father, as a man, just coming off of season two itself and how really massive lift that was and relief of seeing people. The reception that I'm getting on the road now, it's one of the most beautiful things.

1:13:34How is your Instagram? Because Instagram is, well, social media is a cesspool. Yeah, it really is. It's tough. It's tough. Do you face a lot of backlash and weird stuff there? I try not to look. Number one, I really, really avoid it. I have a team that curates, I approve everything because I really don't want to spend my days online and on social. It was so time consuming and vacuous and everyone's just yelling at each other. No one's really making sense. There's no actual progress being made. It's just people declaring what side of every fight they're on. Exactly. And then the worst part of it to me is no one's listening to one another.

1:14:12So you're talking and I'm just thinking about how I'm going to respond. You're not there to learn anything. Then you're there to broadcast your position. And to fight. Exactly. So I've avoided that. And sincerely, I haven't had any issue. Like with season two, I think that the balance was perfect. And the fact that it was based off of my actual experience in life, and that you could see not all of it. Surely you fictionalize certain things, but a substantial amount of it is copy paste. What the divine has given me on a silver platter. You don't want to mess with that. You can't write anything better than that.

1:14:42You're holding a camcorder. Just go with that and build around it and making sure to expand it and make sure it flows into the overall story. And that's it. Stay focused and have the right balance of comedy and drama and emotion tapped into it and take people on this ride and let it do the talking. Well, not to be too corny and make you uncomfortable. I appreciate it so much. Rami for me was the first big like I really, really enjoyed almost being forced to see what the experience is like. Yeah. And same with you. And so I'm grateful we live in this. The negative would be like a niche economy of content.

1:15:20But the great part of it is I get to watch Atlanta. It's a great era. I hope the pressure doesn't stop these stories from being told. Yeah. That's the scary part is that a lot of people at my shows, how'd they let you do it? One guy said, how are you alive? I was like, bro, pray for me. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm alive. It's a good, sweet, honest. That's how shocked people are. because that's how extreme the suppression of free speech has become. And if we don't like what you're saying, then we can just literally deport you to another country. Like what the fuck is going on right now?

1:15:50I know. Yeah. I don't really worry about it, but I just hope that it doesn't happen. I hope that the artist community, specifically here in LA and Hollywood, they understand that we need more of these stories. You can't suppress speech. If you don't like what somebody's saying, you just need more speech. Right? Yeah, exactly. You don't need less. Everybody gets to share their stories. you don't have to love it. You don't have to hate it. You can appreciate it. Yeah. Well, have fun touring and then also act more because I love watching you act. You really are just born to do it. You're so effortlessly comfortable.

1:16:22Mo, I'm delighted to meet you. I'm so glad you came and did this. Yeah, this was so fun. Yeah, so good to know both. You really, truly, this is so fun. Oh, good. Really, really, what a great experience. I'm going to do this in my garage. You should. You really should. You got a garage? Just me just sitting there. All you need is a garage. All right, brother. Thank you so much. he is an armchair expert but he makes mistakes all the time thank god monica's here she's gotta let him have the facts oh this is fun this is so you hit me with an idea yep which is after we chit chat for a while and we get into the facts i'm gonna cut your hair while you read the facts Yes, because you have boasted many a time about your haircutting capabilities.

1:17:08Yeah. And I've never experienced it. And I need a haircut so badly. I know, but I told you, this is not the situation. Like I need you on a tall chair in the kitchen with a lot of light. And we got to discuss what you want. But what you're telling me is you just want the ends trimmed. I mean, you can do some other stuff if you want. That's a big new layer. But be careful. You can play with it a little bit. Okay, we'll see. We'll see what we can do. Okay. But I do have my tools. I got my tools. Yeah, you got your scissors and your brush. Like normally I would use this comb, but I was thinking your hair.

1:17:40I don't know if I can get this comb through your hair, can I? Have you ever? I brought one of the girl's brushes. Have you ever cut hair on an Indian woman's head? Yeah, I only do Indian women's. Oh, then you'll be fine. You'll be fine with that comb. Do you think all Indian women have the same hair? I mean, they seem to, from my point of view, it seems pretty similar. I don't think they're exactly the same, but yes, I think there's a thickness. Although Matt once told me, Matt, our friend who's a hairstylist, told me that the actual strand itself of mine is not that thick. It's more like medium.

1:18:19It's the density. There's a lot of it. So density. Density. Yeah. I've never seen a blonde Indian. Let's start there. No, they don't. No. It's like green eyes. Cat eyes, as your father would say. Well, green eyes happens there sometimes, but no blonde hair. No, right? No. I've never heard of it. There's got to be albino Indians, though. Well, exactly. That would be the only way. Albinism. We learned a cool word today on Armchair Anonymous. Oh, yeah. Edenistic? No, Edenic. Edenic. Yeah. To describe an environment as Eden-like, like the Garden of Eden. Yeah, I liked that. I liked that. God, I'm glad you remember it because I said out loud, I'm going to commit that to my repertoire.

1:19:04People loved your David Chang story. I just want to add that. I looked at the comments and people, many people write that this is all of us. It's all of us, right? We just don't know how to operate in the world. Humans do not know how to operate. We get so nervous as if like people get punched for doing it wrong or something. I did send it to Callie, of course. I sent her the text. She said, what is going on? And I responded and she said, but where is the bread from? Oh. We still don't know. It really important. Rob can. Yeah, I'll ask. He'll handle that right now. Can you find out? The bread that his children didn't eat that he brought home for his children.

1:19:41I was going to say, oh, what you got there about? Oh, there's a bit of a standoff in our household. So Kristen, as you know, you've tried it. She's in her sourdough phase. I've never tried her. You haven't? Only Amy's. What about at Molly's birthday party? She brought over like two fresh loaves. You didn't get into it. I had some. I cheated. And I also, I was like, you know, I already told you something like, oh, sourdough has got the least amount of gluten. I can eat it. And I had it. There's nothing better than sourdough out of an oven. Forget it. Yum. But anyways, my kids are like, where's the white bread?

1:20:15They miss the white bread. And Kristen's like, I'm making the bread. You have homemade bread. Right. Rightly so. Right. And Delta's like, I want, I want little square white pieces of bread. and I get it. You definitely get it of all people. I get it. Because I'm a trash monster. I like crappy stuff. No, when you have your, you have your five dishes that you make that you used to make. Those were your special dishes. And one of them is a tuna. Chicken salad sandwich. Excuse me, a chicken salad sandwich. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. I haven't had it in a while. Chicken salad sandwich.

1:20:49That one's hard because I don't eat bread anymore and I got to just eat this and watch you guys enjoy. Yeah, well, you can have it on this sourdough, I guess. How often are you cheating with the sour. I'm not. When she got into the phase, because you can't imagine waking up and the whole house smells like a loaf of sourdough. It's actually now maddening that I don't. I had a week of it. I'm like, yeah, this is where it's not working. My skin started flaking. My wrist started hurting. Yeah. I also gained like immediately. I just mysteriously gained like eight pounds. Sure. Well, we, yeah. Go ahead.

1:21:22What did we talk about? That I gain and lose weight really quick? No, that like I think you're just under way like your body wants to weigh more so of course it's like getting something and it's gonna hoard it I don't know if you inceptioned me but I've been eating more oh yeah I'm not sure is it that or is it that you're you got back from New York and you had all this yummy food and now you want yummy food well then I got back down to 194 right and then I think vanity I'm like I don't like my face at 194 no maybe you are having you You know how they call them sympathy pains when a woman is pregnant and then the man also experiences pains?

1:22:02You know, I gained a crazy amount of weight when Kristen was pregnant the first time. And you said that was like sympathy weight or something. I just don't know what it was, but I find that every man I know has done that when their wife is pregnant. Because like the woman is eating more. I think she's like driving it a little more because she's got these weird urges and there's more shit around and maybe that's part of it. and maybe you are like, you know, like if you, I want people to think about this. The next time you're at a booth at a restaurant talking with somebody, start paying attention how you inadvertently mirror each other's body language.

1:22:38If someone puts their hand on their, rests their face on their fist, you'll do it. Just be aware of it. I mean, we don't. In here. Yeah. I wonder if we're at a booth at a restaurant, we would. Oh, thanks. We had an expert on saying something about dad bod that like the husband or the father stores fat differently in his body when his wife's pregnant. Oh. Knowing that he's not going to sleep. Oh, interesting. But my big thing was we were at one of the checkups and I just hadn't been on a scale in like four or five months. And I got on. I was like, oh, my God, I've gained 22 pounds. I didn't even notice.

1:23:18Yeah. I think it's maybe more that like she's eating more. Oh, yeah. There's more on her plate, literally. Yeah. So then you're just matching that. Yeah, something happens. But anyway. It's pretty consistent. You might be having sympathy. Weight gain. Weight gain from us all being on our periods. Could be. That's a good story. Whiskers. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Don't. Yes, of course. This is a good story. This is embarrassing for her. For whiskey? No. I don't need to say who. Oh, okay. I mean. Why is it embarrassing to have your period? I would be embarrassed. You would? Yeah, I'd be embarrassed by that story.

1:23:56Oh, okay. I don't think she would, but I won't risk it. Well, there's a woman, but there's only. There's a lot of women in my house. Okay. Nicole's there nonstop. My sister's there nonstop. I got Kristen's there nonstop. This is a bevy of urine and out of there. Yeah, it's not me. You popped some tampons in those trash cans for sure. Maybe years ago. I don't really use tampons anymore. Oh, you're over it. I use period underwear. Okay, that's the rage. I use period underwear. And there's a lot of rages. People use the cup. Yeah, we talked about this. You don't, you're anti. I'm afraid of that. I'm just afraid of it.

1:24:31I'm not anti. And we have a friend we won't outer, but we have a friend in the pod that uses the Diva Cup. Yeah, and she also told us a story of someone, she was at a wedding and a girl's popped it, you know, pop and locked. She was dancing. She's dancing. And the cup spilled? It fell out and blood flew everywhere. How does the cup pass your underpants? She wasn't wearing any. What a kinky broad. She's on her period not wearing undies and on the dance floor popping and locking. Who is this woman? Do I know her? No. If you're able, I mean, it's like suctioned up there. You should be able to keep it.

1:25:08You should be able to go underwear-less to a wedding and a dress. I mean, technically, I'm sure when I wore tennis. If I did something like that, you'd be like, that's so arrogant. You know you would. Yeah, I would say that. But listen, I have, I'm sure, at some point in life when I was wearing tampons, wore a tampon without an underwear. Oh, definitely. Like in a bathing suit. Well, your bathing suit's the underwear. You're not not wearing underwear ever. And then you're on your period and you decide that's when you're going to not wear your underwear. Let me tell you why. if you're wearing a certain dress, like let's say you're going to a wedding or something and you're wearing a certain dress and you don't want underwear lines, you'd go without.

1:25:51Even in the day of the thong and everything, that's still an issue. Even still depending. I mean, there are some good underwears that you can use, but there are certain dresses that like you can just see it. So there are times that I - I gotta go to more weddings. There are times that I haven't worn underwear. You raw dog it. Yeah. And then - No, commando. I commando. Uh-huh. And if I'm on my period. Fuck it. That's a tampon. And I'm not worried a tampon. Can you think of a specific time ever? Like, this sounds so theoretical. Can you tell me a time you were on your period, put a tampon in, and went out of the house with a dress on and no underwear?

1:26:27I've been on my period for, I mean, since I was. I mean, since I was 11 or 12. You got it at 11? Or 12. I forget. You live next to a nuclear reactor? No. I was an early bloomer. Okay. And anyway, I have been on it for a really long time. And then I like, I know the feeling of what it is to have a tampon in and not have underwear. In your house. I'm asking, can you think of it? Are you telling me right now you have a memory of going out on a dress? Yes. No undies on your period. Yes, I have a sense memory of it. I don't have an actual memory of it. But I have a sense of memory. Dax. We have a commitment to each other here.

1:27:15Exactly. To be honest. And to believe each other. You can't feel like you did. You either, you got to say I did or I didn't. That's not fair. Okay. I apologize. Listen, I remember I wore a dress sort of recently that I didn't wear underwear. I do know that. And I kind of feel like I was on my period then. Okay. And I think I wore a tampon specifically because I don't really wear tampons anymore. And I remember I had to wear it. Yeah. Because of this. It's weird to say wear it. I know. Wear a tampon. I had to put one in. Plug, plug. I would never be worried about popping and locking and the tampon falling out.

1:27:59No, of course. Yeah. So I can see why the Diva Cup, you wouldn't. I have no experience with it, but it seems crazy there's a cup in there that's relying on a suction seal and that that seal couldn't break. Anyone who's ever used any suction cups. Yeah. They're wily. It's like, I think it's like big. So the fact that the whole thing is up there, it does feel like it would be. Is it like a tea cup? Like kind of, I think, but rubbery, I think. But as big as like a coffee cup? No, not a coffee cup. No, it's like a golf ball maybe. No, bigger than that. Much bigger than a golf ball. Natalie uses them.

1:28:35She does? Yeah. Is your dog ever eaten it? No. Okay, well, let me get to the story. Okay, fine. Tell the story. There's a lot of updates on whiskey. Okay. A new update on whiskey is he's a bad to the bone. That doesn't help me. Because it needs to be next to a Bic lighter or something. Here it is next to... A micro penis? A tampon. Oh, okay. So it's the same length as a tampax. Okay, so whiskey, You need to know some updates about whiskey. Okay. One thing is he's bad to the bone. Okay. He's killed over a hundred men. What are you talking about? Whiskey's eaten 100 men. He's bad to the bone. Okay.

1:29:17You just really want to say bad to the bone. I wanted to tell you about whiskey. I know. Well, you know, first of all, he was Trim and he was president of the hallway. Right. And I wanted to tell you about that. And you seem to enjoy that. No, I want to hear about whiskey and I know he's bad to the bone. He's eaten 100 men and 150 women, but he doesn't talk about that. He's sounding kind of like a tiger. Okay. So he's bad to the bone. Okay. And someone in my household put a tampon in the trash can, which is advisable for your plumbing. Correct. So I want to high five this unnamed person who put a tampon.

1:29:58because whiskey's bad to the bone and he loves blood. Ew. He went and ate the tampon. Okay. Yeah. Then, and I am getting, she won't mind this. I just want you to know she won't mind this. And this is a big honorable mention because this, I've said this before. My sister Carly is fucking down. When shit needs, when the gnarly stuff needs to get done, my sister will do it. She will. She is, she's fearless. So they were taking whiskey back to the bone on a walk, and he pooped out half a tampon. Yep. And then a little while longer, he pooped out, tried to poop out the rest of the tampon, and now the cord, the string, the rope.

1:30:47And now he's got a rope hanging out of his butt, and he's a bastard, right? So you can't get close to him because he's bad. Yeah, he'll bite you. He'll eat you like the hundred men he's eaten. And so Carly's trying to get this fucking thing out of his butt and he's trying to bite her. And this whole thing, it's a battle that I guess she had to take him to her house and put him in the sink and get him warm water on him because he calms down when he gets a bath. Oh, my God. And then she had to pull this thing out of him.

1:31:21These dogs, man. You are so lucky that your sister did that because he would have died of TSS. That's what Kristen goes. Is he going to get toxic shock syndrome? I'm like, no, your butt is so different than your vagina. No. Yeah. Maybe hit. We don't know about his. I need to get a proctologist on. I don't think you can get toxic shock syndrome in your butthole from a Tampax. I'm sure you can. And it's a tampon. And Tampax is the brand I prefer. Kind of like I like Huggies. Tampax, radiant. They always, man, these ad campaigns. And I tip my hat to them because what a product they have to sell on TV.

1:32:01And, you know, they have these commercials and someone's like sailing. They like to put you like in a nautical situation. Yeah, because that's when you need a tampon when you're in a bathing suit. That's why. Yeah, this is more, I think, like, oh, it's going to be a long sailboat ride. I don't know. It's always like someone's in a field and there's a lot of flowers. Like they're trying to destigmatize, I guess. Yeah. Keep whiskey away. Uh-huh. But yeah, they got to name it whatever name I just, Radiant or something. I just, I think they have their work cut out for them and I applaud them. Yeah.

1:32:35Yeah. I get it. God bless them. You got to sell Depends. Yeah. Hard product to sell. In some ways it's a hard product. In some ways it sells itself. Cause like if you need it, you get it. Well, yeah, you just need them. Yeah. No one's on the fence about getting Depends. You either need fucking Depends or you don't. Well, maybe that's why tampons have had to step up their game because there are competing products. Period underwear. I don't like the branding of this. Why? Do you like it? Period underwear? I mean, that's what I call it. Grab my period underwear. Don't you think there's a, like, I think the Tampax people should take a stab at period underwear because I think they could top it.

1:33:11Well, it's not all. Like freedom panties or something. Can you let me finish, please? Yeah, sorry. I'm so excited to talk about female products. I know. Okay. It's, there are brands, NYX. NYX is a brand. So you don't have to say period underwear. You can say like. Get my NYXies. Sure. NYXies, regular NYX. Yeah, it already starts with an X. So I love it. Is it N-I-X? And then there's one. Or is it N-I-C-K-N-S? K-N-I-X. Well, great. K-N-I-X. So like knitting. And then there's Thinks. That's a huge brand. Another X. Yeah. X is a trusted letter in the vaginal space. It is. Maybe they are not stealing.

1:33:52Maybe they are. Inspired by Tampax. They're building upon the Tampax. Yeah, the trust that these people have tirelessly built with this product that is, you know. Look, nothing against the tampon industry, but this is better for you. If I was in the ad game, I would want to get put on Tampax because you want to bite off a lot. You know, you want to challenge. It's like if you're an actor, you want to play someone dying of something or whatever. You know, you want to challenge. And I would like, I think to cut my teeth and make a name for myself, I'd love to just like blow out a Tampax campaign.

1:34:32Okay. How are you going to get these people back on tampons? The people that have left to the cup. You want me to just net like right off the cuff? Yeah. You're in a meeting right now. Here we are. Guys, our sales are plummeting. And why? Because there's all these competing trends now that, look, I hate to say it, and this doesn't leave this room, they're better for the women's bodies. Wait. Nothing is better. What if you're sailing? The cup is better. You're supposed to carry, what you're trying to tell me is a woman in her cycle is supposed to have a purse full of underwear? No, they'd use the cup.

1:35:10That's not a move for an elegant lady out on the town. Ew. Yeah, see, this is where. The fact that you got to carry extra undies with you. What are you talking about? Well, once you've soiled your necks, just like a tampon, you got to change it. Well, no. So you got to change these undies. No, you wash it. You technically rinse it out. Yeah. See, I got a lot to work with here. But hold on. Also, the cup is different. Forget the cup. Well, that's a huge thing. This is Tampax versus underpants. Okay, fine. Are you trying to tell me that the day you get your period, you put on a pair of NYX and you leave them on for the duration?

1:35:48Okay, great. But I leave mine on all day. Even a very heavy day? I want to choose my words carefully. Yeah, I do. My flow, even at its heaviest, one can sustain it. What if you go on a sailboat? Then I'm wearing a tampon. Bingo. So we build on that. For the adventurer, for the person engaged, sure. If you're a couch potato, wear necks. If you want to get out and see the world. If you don't want your period to keep you sidelined on the bench, you still want to go sailing and go to amusement parks. And get TSS. There's only one brand for you. Because you can carry extras in your purse discreetly like an elegant lady.

1:36:35Ew. No one wants to have, no one, you know what I would do is I would have, thank you, Monica. Here we go. I got my pitch. Okay. We start the commercial with a woman in line at an amusement park. Everyone's having a great time. Her child asks her for a sucker. She goes in her purse to get it. The purse comes dislodged and on the ground tumbles five pairs of underpants. She's mortified. And then a girl next to her looks at her purse and she's got Tampax in there. And then she winks. Pretty good spot. No one wants underwear to tumble out of their bag at the amusement park. A hundred percent. No one wants tampons to fly everywhere.

1:37:17Well, they want it because they're not humongous. Like underpants. Or if they think it's a sucker. No men. All the men offered this campaign immediately. This is so embarrassing and bad. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Every woman has been in a situation where a tampon's fallen out and it's like the most. Mortifying. It is so upsetting when your tampon falls out of your backpack. I want you to be, please be honest. I am. You get to choose. Yes. You're on a date with this unnamed guy that was at Saturday Night Live. And your purse falls over. And either a gigantic pair of underwear fall out because they're big, right?

1:37:58To cover everything. Hold on. Am I imagining them correctly? You're not. Okay. I need to take. Okay. Call time. As we've established, I am currently on my period. Yeah. Fuck, where are you keeping all these other underwears? Exactly. Where do you see? There's no, I'm not carrying any underwear. There's no underwear in my bag. I think you're reckless. I think you need a backup pair on you. I'm not going to say who. I know someone who wears them and they go through a couple a day. Yeah, sure. Some people do. Yeah. Same as your tampon. And so that person has to carry an extra pair of these grundles around.

1:38:38Okay? So we just concede the fact that someone might need to be carrying grundles with them. Now, my question is, your purse falls over at dinner on a date with a boy you like in either a very large pair of underwear fall. Stop that. They're very, they're not as big as you think. You think they're diapers. They're not. Diapes. that's another great angle I'll start calling them dipes no stop okay listen I never know when the fun's gonna end listen I put up with a lot here okay okay if this man would rather me get TSS slash have to put cloth up my pussy save cotton please don't use that word in the campaign that's all putting one to the consumer pussy or cloth No, that word doesn't work in advertising as much as I wish it did.

1:39:35Thank you for explaining that to me. If this man, this hot man who I think is kind and nice. Yeah. And from another country, this man is. Oh, that's, you're giving away a lot of clues now. I think this man from another country really understands that. You better find out. Americans are crazy. That other country is a lot more buttoned up than this country. No, but not in this type of area. Oh, yes. No. Yes. Tex, you don't know what it's like to be a woman. I know I don't, but I do know the difference between I won't say the name of the country and our country. And we are much more foul. Not in the female hygienic space.

1:40:19Guys there are like, ooh, about everything. No, but in general, they wear more pads there. Okay. Okay. So the answer, your answer is, lock in the answer, you'd rather have a big pair of underwear fall out than a tampon. No, that's, I want to get a little more nuanced. I wouldn't, and stop saying big pair of underwear. They're bigger than the ones you normally wear, right? They're not. Like there's a pair you'd be happy to fall out, right? We agree on that. Listen, I'm currently wearing a thong period underwear. Oh. This is what I'm saying. You don't understand what's going on. I haven't seen that product.

1:41:00I've seen different versions. Yes. And it looks, it has lace. Oh, wow. It looks like underwear. Okay. Okay. Hot underwear. Okay, great. Now, what I wouldn't want to happen, I will say this. What I would not want to happen is my bag falls out. Dirty period underwear falls at that. Now, to be honest, you're not going to pitch them in the fucking trash can when you switch no grundles in the toilet so yeah there's you could be in a situation where you're carrying i'm personally not though so i can't but for the person who does have to change midday they have to carry that around so okay they clearly now they also have to carry a ziploc bag great product i wish i was on that campaign i swear by ziplocs now they have not only do they have this, you know.

1:41:53Go on. A pair of underwear, I'll leave it at that. Thank you. That are soiled. Yeah. In a Ziploc bag. I mean, now this is a little, this is crazy because the guy who's not as hip and a feminist like me, who I already know about all these products. But for the untrained guy, he sees a pair of undies in a Ziploc bag, Monica. I'll tell you, a thousand percent what he thinks happened. She shit herself. Okay. That's a Ziploc bag full of shitty underwear. Okay. And is it hot? Well, now you're, now you're, that's an interesting counter. See? Now, listen, this is what I, yes. Would I rather a little tampon fall out?

1:42:39It's delicate. It's not delicate. Yeah. It's inspiration. What was it called? Radiant. Radiant. A radiant tampon falls out. Okay, it falls out. Yes, I would prefer that to dirty period underwear falling out at a restaurant. In a Ziploc bag. Better in a Ziploc bag at least than on its own. But it says they pooped themselves. If that happened, the underwear Ziploc bag slash regular stinky underwear. When it happens. I would say, ugh, that's embarrassing. that... Oh, no, this is like David Chang all over again. No, I would address it. I would address it. I'd be like... And there's flies, too. There's immediately, there's a fucking swarm.

1:43:27In fact, before he even sees it, he hears, whoa, is there a swarm? I heard a swarm of flies. No, I would just... And then whiskey runs across the restaurant. Oh, my God. I would say... I don't wear tampons anymore because they're not good for you. Oh, and I'd say, I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself. Exactly. And that's the end of that. Yeah. Don't you think? Well, okay, say that again. Oh, that's so embarrassing. I'm so embarrassed. I just don't wear tampons anymore because they're not great for you, for women's bodies. And because you don't wear tampons anymore, you pooped your pants?

1:44:07Oh, no. Is that what you think? Yeah, because it's in Ziploc. Oh, no, no. Sorry. Sorry, it's just period underwear. I'm starving. Let's see the discernment. I hate men. All men off the campaign now. Let's see what kind of hepatizers they got. You're not deterred. Can we have a can of Raid? Like you aren't having sex with people on their period. Oh, absolutely. I love it. I love it. Please. Yeah. One of my, yeah, I'm going to leave that there. Yeah. Yes, of course. I don't give a shit. I also don't care if you have shitty underwear in your purse, but I do think I'm a rare, rare customer. I think you're probably a rare customer.

1:44:52But I would be like, oh, so glad you're shit your pants. Now I got to tell you about 25 stories. Yeah. Look, it's tough. Yeah. OK. Well, Mother's Day is right around the corner. So think about getting either of these options. Whatever you found would be a compelling argument. We've said three now. Diva cup. Yeah. Underwear. Yeah. Choice is yours. If you're a pop and locker, you wear dresses. These are all things you got to consider. Yeah. They're great. I'm just having fun. I'm having a good time. And you were too. Okay. So anyway, she pulled the tampon right out of there. She's such a gangster, Carly.

1:45:35And do you think there was now poop in there too? If I ever got in a situation where I had accidentally killed somebody and it was one of these scenarios where it's like, there's no way I can. My story is not going to hold up. Like literally the choices are it was an accident. Yeah. And my choices are call the police and go to prison forever because it looks insane. Yeah. Or get rid of the body. And I can't do it myself. I do need one person. Okay. And Aaron's in Detroit. Oh, okay. I'm calling Carly. That's the right call, right? I mean, I'm upset, obviously. But that's not your lane. Well, cleaning up bodies.

1:46:14Cutting up a body. Oh, it's cutting up. I thought we were burying it or putting it in the ocean or something. It's Robert Durst. Okay. Yeah, I'd rather not. Right. You know, there's other calls you'd rather. I would keep it a secret. Yes. I would trust you to tell you this happened. Okay. But I'm talking about the dirty business. I'm just also not very strong. Even though I've been doing my farmer's carries. Intermittently. I did them last night. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, good. While you're watching ER? No, when I was going to and from. I just do it when I see them. I don't. Do you ever do them on your way to get another glass of wine?

1:46:50They are like right there. I mean, I can't say I haven't done them after a night out. Sure. Well, of course, because you're feeling stronger than you are. You're feeling like overly confident. Yeah. I think I actually am ready. So I have been doing two 40s. Yeah. I think I might be ready to move up. Good. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm not going very far. How far are you supposed to go? Longer than to your kitchen, probably. Well, I go back and forth until it feels like it's really falling out of my hand. Okay. You think that's bad? I think you can look up. I want to say they're supposed to last either 30 seconds or a minute.

1:47:26Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't do them, so I don't know. All right. I'll look it up. Okay. You want to do facts? and get a haircut? Oh, yeah, I do. Okay, great. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:47:50Well, I'm just going to start by saying this will be my first haircut I've ever given, sitting down. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, you like to stand. Well, no one's ever cut your hair sitting down, right? That's crazy. Huh. Yeah, but it's okay. Okay. All right. So first I'm going to start by grooming you. Okay. Okay. Don't forget to do the facts though. Oh, I forgot. That's also your job for the listener. I already forgot. If you're watching, this will be fun, even if you're not giving facts. But for the listener, you're going to have to give your facts. Okay. I just really like it when people brush my hair.

1:48:25Yeah. I bet you probably never want the haircut to start. Can we do that? I can see why you want to trim. See? Yeah. You have some strays. It's gotten really out of control. And a lot of them are kind of mid-level, so that's a little tricky. Those are the layers. Yeah. Well, okay, we're going to start. We're going to start at the bottom. Do you want me to do anything with my head? No. Okay, great. Yeah. Okay. Now, the facts. Yeah, tell me about the facts. Tell me when you're making your first cut. I already did. Wow, were you not scared? What happened? I just fucking cut myself. Oh, no. You know why?

1:49:03I always cut. I cut like this, Monica. I cut like this. And because your hair is down here, I have to cut like this. And I just cut my finger. It's okay. Oh, no. Are you okay? We're going to continue on. Oh, God. Get me one of your nicks. I'm going to wrap a nicks around this and see how absorbent it is. Okay. Okay. Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Now, this is from Mo. Oh, wonderful. Mo Hammer. Mo Hammer. This was a great episode. Really interesting life. Yeah. Incredible. We've had a few people on lately with really interesting lives. Yeah, Jon Bernthal. Jon Bernthal, Moe. That's it.

1:49:43That's where it's. That's pretty much it. Okay. Now, I have to check myself. I said that we had someone on Armchair Anonymous who told a story about how they pooped in the aisle of a plane. and it got everywhere and it got on the flight attendant. Yeah, I didn't remember that story when you told it. Did that not check out? No, it happened, but it was the flight attendant called. It was flight attendant stories. Oh, okay. Okay, that makes more sense. Or plane stories or something. And she told it from her perspective. She's the one that got pooped on. Oh. Yeah. As if the job's not thankless enough already.

1:50:23I know. It's one of your main... Defenders? Stick up force. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enter the plane a little bit self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm suspicious someone's going to try to be mean to them. Yeah. You want it to happen, really. I don't, but I'm looking for it and you find what you're looking for. Yeah. That's like the best way to sum it up. How's it going with the haircut? Pretty good. Okay, great. I'm bleeding pretty good, but that's okay. Oh, my God. It's okay. It's okay. Should we put the cotterize? At some point, I'll put a Band-Aid on it for sure. It's going to get a Band-Aid. Okay.

1:50:58Well, do we want to cauterize it? Well, the chemical cauterization. Yeah, that we just learned about. That we just learned about. That's an Easter egg for Armchair Anonymous. And it's a dick. It is a dick. Okay. When do Michael Che and Colin Jost do their, like, swappy? Were they write jokes for one another? Uh-huh. That happened at Christmas. They might do it more, but that was at Christmas. Seems to be the Christmas present they give us. Yes, and then last time they did it, they talked about Scarlett's vagina, and it caused some issues. Oh, my God, Dax. Hold on. No, no, no. Keep going. I just showed Monica the blood, but it's okay.

1:51:44I just dabbed it and got a bunch of hair inside of it. Wait. Everything's fine. No, everything's fine. Continue on. Nothing's happening. I'm nervous for you. Don't be nervous. Okay. This is not my first time bleeding. Yeah, but I feel bad. I think that you know what happened? This is God smiting me for all the period talk. Now he's given me a lot of blood. Well, her. Now we know God's a woman. And she has smited me. You're right. It is a ding, ding, ding. Wait, can we pause for one second? I am going to get a bandit. Yes. Because I'm going to have to pull out the layers a little bit. Yeah. Okay, great.

1:52:24I might have one in my bag. Do you want me to go grab one of Carly's eyes? Gene probably is, yeah. Yeah, I'll go grab one. Okay, go. Be careful not to get any blood on your white shirt.

1:52:35Okay, I'm trying to have to get blood on my white shirt. Are you so far happy with the cut? Yeah. I mean, no, we're just, no. Because we just started? Okay, okay, okay. Don't get upset. Okay. Now, why shouldn't adults get their tonsils removed? They will experience more pain and slower healing compared to children. And there's a higher chance of complications like bleeding or infections. Okay. I am going to have to get your hair. Your hair is going to look crazy in this interview. Great. Or not interview, but fact check. Because I'm going to have to flop over the layers over the back of your head.

1:53:15I don't even know what that means because, like, that's haircutting lingo. Okay.

1:53:23yes so I still don't really understand it like must be the size of the tonsils would be my guess right the bleeding's the issue yeah there's like bleeding but you'd think a kid's tonsils would lead to more bleeding okay so here's what I'm saying you're gonna have to deal with that oh do you want me to hold it? no it's okay let's get a little blood in there oh great Right. Right. Our next area. Okay. Now, when did the U.S. enter the Gulf War? January 1st, 1991. January 16th, 1991. Oh, okay. God, I really thought it was like right on my birthday. I mean, close. Maybe not. Maybe they were about to, so they probably talked about it.

1:54:16Okay. Now the Kuwaiti citizenship thing. I'm going to give your hairstylist credit. This is a complicated cut you have. It is? Oh, yeah. That's Jenny. That's why. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Hi. Hi. He comes in and he goes, your dad cut his finger. We have a band name. Yeah, yeah. Will you give me a band name? And I was like, what? And he was like, cutting Monica's finger. And I was like, what? What's happening now in this show? Yeah. This is, I think, what we refer to as jumping the shark. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This may be the last successful episode of the show. Oh, my God. I know. He really did it.

1:54:55And Monica's hair's in it. Yeah, that's what I told her. Do we want to rinse it off? No, we'll do that afterwards. I just need to stop it so I can finish this haircut. Why did you let him do this? Well, I actually, I asked. I asked for it. You should have seen my hair. It was way too long. Your ends do look split. Right? They're really bad. Thank you, Lincoln. I love you. Hide your face. Okay. I'm sure it comes out alive. I'll do my, I can't guarantee it. Okay. But I'll try. You know, I was telling Monica that whiskey's a very bad man who killed 100 men. You said he's bad to the bone. She doesn't like it.

1:55:38No, I just don't like, well, as you know, I have my struggles with whiskey. Yeah. everybody does yeah yeah there's nothing unique about that he's a prick as the whole family will tell you he's killed 150 women and he doesn't he doesn't talk about that i think he's ashamed that he's killed that many women well that's a nice way he yeah like men deserve to get killed i took it i was like he's so proud of himself that he did that that's like an unspoken like He doesn't even. Like it's tougher to kill the men. Yeah. He reminds me that he did all of that. Ugh. Like he doesn't even think it's a brag.

1:56:15Exactly. So he doesn't mention it. I'm going to be honest with you. Like this is going to be fine. And you're going to need to see Jenny when you get home. Okay. I will. Yeah. Great. Okay. Great. Yeah. I promise. Shout out Jenny Cho. Best hairstylist. Alive. Well, I'll let you guys continue. Thanks, Link. Thanks, love. Thanks for saving the day. The show will go on. It must. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye, sweetie. Love you. Okay, now back to the fat. How's the blood? Blood's done. We're all done with blood. Great. It didn't bleed through the Band-Aid? Nope. Great. It's not like that penis story. I don't think I'll need a chemical cauterization.

1:57:00Okay. Now, I asked AI about the Kuwaiti passports and stuff. Okay. In citizenship. And it said, in general, no, being born in Kuwait does not automatically grant you Kuwait citizenship or a passport. Kuwait follows a jusanguinis, that means right of blood principle, rather than jus soli, right of the soil. This means that citizenship is typically passed through Kuwaiti parents, not by birthplace. A child born in Kuwait to non-Kuwaiti parents does not automatically qualify for Kuwaiti citizenship or a passport. There are very limited exceptions if a child is born to unknown parents or in specific cases where the father is unknown but the mother is Kuwaiti.

1:57:46But those are rare. Great. Yeah. I mean, not great. If you're born there, I feel like you should be a citizen. Oh, me too. So not great, but great. Not great, but great for the information. Great to find out, yeah. Yeah. Let's see. The Peabody's. Do you think maybe we'll get a Peabody for this fact check? Oh, this might be the one. I mean, I bled for this episode. Yeah, you sure did. That's what I'll say in my speech. And, yeah, and so did I. Quite a bit of blood. Oh, yeah, we're both bleeding. Rob, you got any blood back there? Not yet. Okay. The George Foster Peabody Awards are simply Peabody Awards, or the Peabody's, named for the American businessman and philanthropist George Peabody, honor what are described as the most powerful, enlightening, and invigorating stories in all of television, radio, and online media.

1:58:36Because of their academic affiliation and reputation for discernment, the awards are held in high esteem with the media industry. And as I told you, they are presented by the Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communications at the University of Georgia. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding. And we still don't have one, even though that's the case, which is pretty upsetting. Doubly embarrassing for us. It really is. We should have a home court advantage and still no Peabody. And they, when you're in college there and you're part of the journalism school, which technically I was because my PR degree was with Grady.

1:59:13Okay. You could apply and basically audition slash try out to be one of their, like, student judges. and I did that and I did not get chosen. You could have been a voice in the Peabody's? Correct. Oh, wow. Anthony got picked. Oh, God, he is. I'm impressed you're friends with him. Yeah, it speaks to my. Because he kind of blows you away in a lot of these competitive situations and you still love him because he just killed you at Major Dong. Mahjong, yes, he did. He did. He won like three out of three games. um yeah i guess that's true friendship it is it is that's how i felt about harry like harry was just so much physically superior to me and everything boy related as a kid his coordination and his athleticism was off the charts like we both tried out for the basketball team in seventh grade i didn't make it and he didn't even want to do it and he made it and then he just didn't play sure oh that reminds me of an even worse thing that happened with anthony no with callie so So when I lived in.

2:00:19Oh, I remember this story. Yeah. I think. What was it? When I lived in Atlanta after college and I had an agent and was trying to work in Atlanta before I moved to L.A., you know, the auditions that come through aren't that frequent. Right. So it feels like there's a lot of pressure on them. There was a commercial audition for, I don't remember. It was a fast food brand. company. And they basically said, like, bring a friend to the audition because you needed to, like, be interacting with someone in it. And she booked it. And she didn't want to be there. No, she wasn't there to act. She was there to just be there with me and do this thing.

2:01:08And then she booked it. I'm pretty sure I did cry about that. You did. Yeah, I think so. Oh, but you guys made it. Oh, yeah. I didn't blame her. Even then I didn't blame her. But I was like, man, I suck. Yeah, a non-actor beat me. Oh, yeah, that's rough. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened. Thank you. You just got to stick with it, you know? Yeah, war of attrition. Well, we've cleaned up the back. Okay. Yeah, I mean, again, Jenny is going to need to come in here. Okay. But let me just do it. I'm going to flit around a little bit. Okay, yeah, because you said you like to be playful. Yeah, yeah, and I'm going to try to clean up just some of these strays.

2:01:49Okay. I'm going to tell you right now, you are free of gray hair, which that's nice. Yeah. Good for you. Did you pull any out? No. You didn't see any. That's good. No, I mean, there's some that are like a slightly different color, right? Oh, God. But they're not gray. I don't know how to do this, but let me just take a look at the side here a little bit. We did not touch the sides, which conventionally you want to cut the whole hair. Oh, is that normal? That's what I've been told. Okay. Are you regretful right now that you didn't take this opportunity to shave one side of my hair? Stop!

2:02:33I can't believe you guessed this. I brought this down in my pocket.

2:02:45I was like, is she going to see this thing hanging out of my pocket? This whole thing was leading up. No, this whole thing was leading up to freaking you out and just going. It really feels like you're doing it. Stop. Stop. Stop. Did you get some? No. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, well, it looks a little healthier back here. What about this part I'm holding? I already did that. That's why you were holding it. Oh, phew. Okay, so it's done? Yeah. I mean, I should probably just quickly look over here. I didn't look anywhere over here. Let me just quickly see what we got over here.

2:03:26What if I fucking shaved a side ear? And you were so mad. Yeah. And then you looked in the mirror and you were like, fuck, I look awesome. I mean, this was your opportunity. There'll be others. You're cheap. No, you're not even cheap. You're lazy. I've been trying to coordinate with Jenny for like a month. All right. Oh, my gosh. Okay. All right. It's a little better. It's definitely less straggly. Yeah. Yeah. It was a little wispy. It was a little too wispy. Yeah. Nice. How do I look? That's an improvement. Yeah. Yeah. It's better. Okay. Again, you need to see Jenny. Rob, what do you think? Yeah, it looks good.

2:04:09Okay, great. It looks great. All right. Well, that was great. All right, Rob, sit down. Now that I could actually do a good job. I think you did a good job. I did a fair job. You have way less split ends. Great. All right. That's it. Love you. Love you.