Mom's Car: Erick Richardson

23:47Obviously, you're very nice, but if I, like, random person. Well, then when you ask him what it means and you're like, oh, this guy's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, January 2nd, Capricorn. That's wimpy. Definitely cool. Yeah. You believe in astrology? No. Only so far as it makes me the same as my friend. I just like the C in Capricorn, actually. You can keep the rest of the word. At that point, it's like a Disney tattoo. Yeah, in Escalation, I'm sure, right, neck is still before face. When you meet someone with face tattoos, it's hard not to think, like, this person has nothing to lose. They've decided, I don't need to get hired.

24:27I got a whole other story going on. Even I get a little scared. But I do think these younger kids, you've got, like, Post Malone. And that guy seems super sweet. He's the sweetest, right? And then Teddy Swims. He's got all the face tattoos, and he's a sweet boy. I mean, I'm from West L.A., so I never knew anybody with tattoos before I met you guys. None of your friends in high school have tattoos? And none of my friends I can think of in West L.A. have a tattoo. Really? Wow. Because I also feel like it's something that 45-year-old dads are like, I always wanted one. My son was going to get one, so we decided to get these matching Tasmanian Devils.

24:59Always with the Tasmanian Devils. Uh-oh, the Taz. Everyone with the Taz. Should we do a moral dumbfounding question with Eric? That feels fun because - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eric has very - Well, fuck, I almost feel like Eric should make one up, but maybe you'll think of one because your pastime in social settings is to ask really hard questions. You even ruined like a double date once. Yes, with the which kid would you pick to die question. Yeah. And everybody has an answer, but most people won't answer them. I know you say that everyone has an answer, but I don't know that I do. Well, I think what it does, And the question is, if you were in a creek, a dam broke, and both your kids were there, and you can only save one.

25:36It's a tough one to answer. And if answered, best to do privately. Yeah. Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun to ask at a dinner party. Well, you asked it, and it caused an actual fight between the man and wife, right? You regretted that a little bit? Yeah, my wife wasn't too happy. Okay, this one's fun. What I perceive as fun. This one's a good time. Cannibalism, consent. A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated and then eaten by a willing participant. Both parties consent and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to. Is this morally wrong? Do you guys remember that 15 years ago when the internet was still semi-new where this woman, her fantasy was to be raped and killed by a man?

26:23And then the man, six states over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement. and then he was in route to do it. Somehow he got arrested. Oh, wow. But people were like, what's the rules there? Because there was consent. The person wants to be murdered. Rape and murdered? Yeah. I don't think you can rape and murder somebody. No, I mean, yeah, yeah. Even with consent. Yeah. That doesn't fall into the assisted suicide. Right? I mean, what's the line? Assisted suicide is still murder, right, in California. Is it still? I know Oregon, it's not. Everyone's been loosening their laws on that.

26:57Why did the person want their foot eaten? Just because? Just because. He likes the idea of someone eating his foot. Yeah, they both like the idea. One guy wants to eat a foot, and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it. Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater, but we are all assuming it's a man. Of course we are, right? Because men are sick. There's something really wrong with us. Yeah, I picture two men right away. Two disgusting men. one who gets off on having a foot eaten and the other guy the thought of eating someone's foot is fucking it's insane yeah you couldn't pick a fucking if that question said like slice off a piece of your ass cheek yeah a foot though bony foot and a man's foot Jesus Christ a man's yellow callus gross toenails a little barbecue sauce smoke You'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat.

27:56Put little meats on there, tenderized. Stay tuned for more Mom's Car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. You know, it reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off. Like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue. Rookie mistake. Or how about when you're about to head out on a road trip and you know to check your tire pressure first. It's those little check first moments that save us from bigger headaches later. I mean, think about it. You always check if you have your wallet before sitting down at a restaurant, right?

28:32Or make sure you've got your keys before closing the front door. These are just smart moves we all make. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Co. and affiliates Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken Parmesan delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheesesteak? That's a yes.

29:06An afternoon stroll? Sorry, no. A burrito bowl? Happily, yes. What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay, how about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then how about some French fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes? Yes, yes, that. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there, but barbecued prawns? Order it and it's on its way. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.

29:46that makes me think of like another sort of similar moral question is could bill gates have a game show where he gave people like 20 million dollars to cut off their hand and everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand it would make a good show i don't know about a good show but people would watch the show yeah it'd make a hit show but i I don't know if it's a good show. I guess I was thinking, is that illegal? Nobody else is cutting off the hand. The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand, and he's just getting paid for that. I would love to watch that show.

30:21Well, there's two questions, right? I guess there's a legal question. Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal? There's a moral question. I'd say morally it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot and suffer because you have the means to make that a tempting situation. That feels morally repugnant to me, to desire that, no? It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money. And like Aaron said, people would watch it. So when we prepped cars together, which we did for 14 years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars.

31:01Like on every car show for the Longleague show, we would ship like 120 cars to Wisconsin. and we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like 12 days straight. So just even in that week, we would prep 1300 cars or something. 16 hours a day, you're fucking prepping cars that were all teenagers or young 20s and you're bored out of your mind and we just play endless scenario games like this. And one was how much to punch your mom in the face. Right. As hard as you could. Yeah, okay. And it's mostly all guys that we worked with. Yeah. You know, we're going through everyone's answer.

31:40My cousin was really cheap. I was like, oh, it was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt about your mom. You could share the money with your mom afterwards. Well, okay. So initially I had said. And this is when you guys didn't have money? We were broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were working like 100 hours a week to make$1 ,000 a week. Right, right, right, right. And initially I was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could for any amount of money. I just couldn't do it, even if I intellectually wanted to. She would be mad at you because of that. That's what I figured out later is like at some point, if I told my mom, hey, you're going to be proud of me.

32:16I turned down$10 million to punch you in the face. She might go, well, fuck, I would way rather get punched in the face than work for the next 20 years to make that amount of money. And she might be mad at me. Yeah. So then it became another layer was like, do they know why you're doing it? Are they in on it? Yeah, like if you had to keep it a secret. At least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital. It's a secret. It's a secret. Good news when she wakes up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just shattered guns. Good news, Mom. You're rich. Now that's a show. Yeah, and we played these games.

32:59Every single scenario you could think of. There's an older guy we worked with. His hygiene was really rough. I was like, how much to eat his ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask my kids. Yeah, like how much to kiss him. Yeah, make out of him. And you just discover really funny things. Like straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out with him. All right? Like some counterintuitive things would pop up. Who, your dad? Oh, no, but that came. That always came. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Of course. No, just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene. Oh, got it. Oh, I see. It was way older than us.

33:33Oh, yeah. So you'd rather. It was like how much to get buttfucked by him, how much to buttfuck him, how much to blow him, how much to make out with him. And sometimes you're like, wait a minute, it costs you way more to make out with him than to buttfuck him? That's weird. Huh. Let's think about that. Okay, so I'll go first with this foot thing. This isn't very hard for me. This is fine. Same. Like, I don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it. But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get his foot cut off? Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation.

34:04I think anytime you're leveraging money over someone who's very desperate, morally that's wrong. There's no, like, disenfranchised person in the story. Let's say it's a well-to-do man. He's not going to make any money off of getting his foot cut off. He just likes the thought of somebody eating. He loves that idea. And then the guy who wants to eat the foot, he's not financially compromised at all either. Yeah, I guess it's morally okay. Because if you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying$20 million and that's very life-changing, right?

34:38Right. But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums$20 to fight each other and get hurt. It's gruesome and terrible and whatever asshole gave him$20 is a piece of shit. I guess I was thinking from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show. But morally, they would be bad at me. That's a successful show. I'm not a first of four of them. You should be a TV exec. That should be your third career. Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby. It's a black and white question where some parents say, oh, absolutely.

35:16And some are like, why would you even ask that question? Yeah. But with the new baby in their arms, I ask, would you cut off their little toe for$10 million? dollars right now would you just take it off with some prony chairs or a knife and you have to do it yourself oh most people will do it for 10 million dollars really i would say 60 of the people will do it for 10 million dollars and then 40 of the people think it's a horrible horrible question i would absolutely say no but i think i would have said yes at some point in my life maybe 100 million is a better question a better number because then they're set forever they don't need to worry about money well you have to ask yourself when this kid turns 18 and i tell them hey, guess what?

35:57I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe and you'd have$100 million right now. Aren't you glad I didn't cut off your pinky toe? And if they go, why would you do that? I guess that's what you're trying to imagine. Right. That they would be grateful you made that decision for them. But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around and he's like, oh my God, my fucking parents cut my toe off. I have$180 billion. I didn't even need that money. I could make my own money. And they thought I was going to be such a loser. They cut my toe off. When you have a toe cut off, you're going to adapt, but you're going to not be able to fucking do things.

36:29I mean, that's a tough fucking question. Yeah. I wonder if you'd be better off losing a pinky than a pinky toe. Okay, you could pick. I would love to not have a toe for$100 million. You'd be delighted to go get this. Or even right now, what would you sell a toe for right now? Oh, I'd sell a toe. I mean, the market's been horrible the last month. Very unstable. We don't know what's happening with the tariffs. With these tariffs and stuff, I would cut off my little toe for$10 million. Okay. I'd cut mine off for a million. I'd probably do it for five. I don't think you really need your little child.

36:58And I admittedly have no fun to play this game with anymore. No, I don't even ask you these questions. Yeah, you hate me now. Yeah, well, I don't hate you, but it does depend. I understand your frustration. Yeah. But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing. It's like, well, how much money do I need? Why would I not do anything I don't want to do for more money? I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of money and they're unhappy. So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving them$100 million or$50 million or whatever it is. Yes. Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have$100 million or they won't try to do anything.

37:34For much of their life, they would just want to know why they don't have a toe. And you'd probably have to say you have a birth defect. And they're like, that's a very clean birth defect. You can see where the toe used to be. And then at some age, you go, good news. You have a million dollars. and then just keep doling it out. Right. Keep surprising them. And then on their 30th, where they actually have$10 million. Yeah, you'd have to give them most of it later in life, I guess. But then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up. What if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever, what if they become a drug addict and then you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that...

38:17Yeah, you're the kid without a toe. Like everyone knows you don't have a toe. You subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off. And actually, I take that back. I would not take a million for my toe right now. My one big pleasure in life is playing pickleball lately. Oh, come on. You can play. Right? Well, I'm sure I could learn, but I'm 50 almost. I mean, without a little toe. I got to adapt to not having a toe now. Yeah. It's a miracle that I'm actually exercising. Yeah. You might be better off with your fourth toe cut off, right? Instead of your pinky toe for balance. That is the sad part about money, and we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy, is I think a lot of people, sadly, are in a position that they would sell their legs.

38:59And then you think, oh, I'm going to have money and I'll be happy. But then you realize, like, oh, no, no, the only thing that makes you happy is playing pickleball. It doesn't really matter how much money you have. It's still the only activity that gives you any joy, and you got rid of it for money. Yeah, I was thinking, for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life? Ooh. Can you get a toast? No. No, it seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't have any. Buy a towel for that money. Someone else's legs. Story keeps going. The only ones that are available is like a small Asian woman's legs.

39:31And you got to explain that every time you're on vacation. But you're right. What's the point of having money if you go on vacation? The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're going to have for lunch. Yeah, and drink Diet Coke because it tastes good. Oh, yeah. Can I just not give me no fuck that it was Diet Coke? You just start drinking Diet Pepsi all the time. Yeah. Like, I'll have a Diet Coke. Oh, we only have Diet Pepsi. It doesn't matter to me. I don't even want to be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting. Let's do a reader one. Okay. I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning.

39:58I couldn't stop thinking about it. This is from a listener, Jaleese. Hi, Dax and Aaron. One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother. My 16-year-old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore. Instead, he's embraced a towel-only routine for his bathroom needs. Here's the kicker. After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the rack as if nothing unusual happened. The first wake-up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face and was greeted by an unmistakable surprise. Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system.

40:51The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy. But don't worry. We have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away for guests when they visit. Help. Sincerely. Help. as if we're going to have a solution. Right. And she signs it. Sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye, Jalees. You know what I like about it immediately is, like, people are so delicate around situations. Yeah. But when you have a kid who's moderately mentally impaired, you've got no choice, but you just think it's funny. Right. Yes. Right? That's what I kind of like about it. Yeah.

41:35You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing, and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad. Every life boogies on, and you're like, oh, fuck, Mike, guess what his new thing is? He's wiping his ass with the towels. And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts paper towel story started back up this morning. Right, right, right. Because we were talking about this. What he really needs is a Bill and Linda Roberts. Yeah. Okay, we got one here. From a place we eat at all the time. I know. For the win. Are we going to answer the question? We are. He's going to grab the food, and then we'll debate it.

42:06We'll debate a solution. Please help. Because I got an answer. Yeah, she needs help. Oh, great. She needs a lot of help. If you do have three phones going at the same time, and you'd accept one while you're driving, you might be able to get it down pretty well. I think that's why sometimes it's really late. They're juggling like six or seven hours. Okay, so the sun is wiping with towels. Yeah. Okay, Eric, you said you already have an answer. I think it's probably okay, but you just have to have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom. So it's not all the towels.

42:40You just always have a shitty towel hanging in here. You just always have a shit towel there. Oh, my God. This is about as embarrassing as I've done it when I order from five guys at Ryan's house, which is directly across the street. And I'm expecting the delivery guy to go, you lazy motherfucker. God, are you fucking lazy? This was like 1 ,200 feet. Truly. Less than a quarter of a mile. He's shooting you some messages there. Oh, he's already got some messages. He's got a gate code, it looked like. Okay. Oh, my gosh. This guy must be important. Apartment number, gate code. Okay, great. I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job, is like once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment.

43:18Okay, hold the conversation for me. Yes, okay. Maybe he parked in front of their garage door. In there? In that garage door? Okay. What? Okay, let me just drop this off. I'll be right back. Let me go deliver this first.

43:34The bastards. That ended up taking a minute. Did you guys already solve it? No, no, no. Okay, you paused it. I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific. Like he wants to use every towel. Right. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to read between the lines of like what parameters could you put that are going to work with his disposition? Could you say that's your shit towel? And it's only one toilet. I was more thinking start real small. Like, well, first of all, I think you guys got to roll with whatever's happening with this kid. Right, right, right, right.

44:05Yeah, I don't know if you're going to win. People used to wash diapers. I mean, this is similar. You just wash them. I'm guessing if she used the one on her face, I'm guessing there's one bathroom. True. And a tan towel. She wouldn't have used a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face, right? My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, carry on, keep wiping, enjoy. You got to leave him on the ground. Or a little hamper for his poop towel. Right, a poop towel hamper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those can go in a separate wash than the regular clothes. So you weren't washing them.

44:40Well, that's an interesting thought. Do you think they need to be washed separately? I mean, I guess. Does poop have to? I think, okay, I'm going to tell you our dog, Dan, was throwing up. So we're cleaning up his throw up. And she goes, just put that in the utility sink next to the washer. Because I already have poop underwear and poop everything soaking in there. And I was like, ew. What happened? So I think people soak the poop. Okay. No. No! This happened? Because there was a little kid. Let's just be clear. Ruthie had it and showered herself in poop. This was from a visiting child, right?

45:20But you don't let it soak first? You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer, do you? In the whites. In with the whites. Yeah, I guess I'm fine with that. We all poop in our pants all the time. Well, occasionally. That's what I'm saying. When I have an accident, I clean my underpanties out. Yeah. First in the toilet. I dip them in and out of the toilet. You just throw them right away. That's probably most sanitary. Do you ever do that? You wash them in the toilet bowl itself. Not when it's dirty. Like you flush the toilet, you know, clean water. Swish, swish. And then into the sink, maybe. And then I do a little sink, then in the hamper.

45:53And then I'm not too worried. Right. Yeah, I've only done the sink. That's good. Yeah. Toilet water, why not? Yeah, why not? I'm already dealing with poopy underwear. I buy new underwear anyway, so all my underwear is 10 years old, so it's a good excuse to throw the underwear away. That's interesting because you buy a lot of clothes. I don't. I've still got that Pangaea stuff we bought during COVID. Yeah. A lot of my clothes. I buy a lot of shoes. I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of is you buy a lot of shoes. And I guess that's true for myself as well. Yeah, I need some clothes. I've been riding the same clothes for a minute.

46:22I had to have, like, a talk with myself last year where I was like, you have some responsibility to have new clothes. Like, you're on TV. You can't just quit. Because that's what I wanted to do. It's just like, yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until it wears off. I just look at Kristen. I'm like, look how much effort she puts into it. It just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style. Well, you've got the shirt Brad Pitt gave you. Is that this one? Yeah, it's actually this exact one. And you've got a couple of those now. You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous.

46:54I mean, those are nice. Incredibly nice. And I like them. What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, I want to get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like. And then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell. Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes because I'm like, well, if she says it is good, then it's good. Yes, she's a very good barometer. Or Monica does, too. Ruthie's picked out, I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more.

47:22And I say, no, I have two. Why would I need three? Now, here's what I don't understand about you. Why don't you wear Levi's? Or do you? Because you have the legs and ass for Levi's. I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's and they look good. I'm just finally there. Because nothing's cooler than Levi's. Why? Because it fills out? Yeah, I guess I need Levi's. I think these are. I mean, yours look great. I've not thought your pants aren't good. She told me now, these are too big. I can't have skin tight. No. I can't. Also, I think that the trend went the other way.

47:56I think my pants are too tight now. Everyone's wearing enormous pants. Yeah. This is what's so crazy is when Aaron and I were in high school, we wore size 53-inch pants. Right. We would go to Meyers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt. And you wore 53-inch pants with three XL Champion sweatshirts. And I loved it. And I felt great in it. So comfortable. And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it. And I'm like, I don't have the confidence. It looks insane. I can't do it. It's just weird that I was able to do it, and now I'm not. And now everyone, now Monica's funk rock.

48:32Can we just post pictures of ourselves? Put our old face on top of it. What do you mean 53 pants? 53-inch weights. I don't know, because why does this car? Well, then they wouldn't stay on your belt. No, you just belt them up. You crunch them, fold them over, and belt them. That's all we wore from senior year to probably 20 years old. And these shoes we called hobos you got at Meyers as well. Oh, yeah, they were like a couple dollars. Yeah, eight bucks for a pair of shoes. I remember when I got to California, that was still my style. People were like... Bro. Yeah, what's going on here? That's what all the teenagers, like Lily's friends, the boys have.

49:05Like, their butt crack kind of hangs out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I should be like, oh, great, it's back. Yeah. I should have embraced it. I'm slow. I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans, and then I wore them years longer than I should have. But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is once you commit to Levi's, it's over. This style has been cool since the 50s. Right. 501. Yeah, that's what I have. Button fly. I'll tell you the ones I get. Okay. Yeah, but you're... I would love a new pair of Levi's. Your haunches might be a little too big. And they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them.

49:37They're actually the best. They're Levi's. This episode was brought to you by Levi's. Ross and Company. And Bill Roberts' paper towel. Do you know the thing about why it's buttons and rivets? No. Do you know this, Eric? I feel like you would know this. Something to do with mining? Yeah. They wanted miners to be able to repair the pants while they were out in the field. They were out mining with no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns. Right. So they could repair the pants with rivets. Themselves. Yeah. Are those 501 jeans? They are, yeah. And I can't get out of them. I'm day 11 in these.

50:10I don't want them now. Eric, I love you. Thanks for joining us. I love you guys. Thanks for having me. Could have did this all day. Oh, my God. I know. I wish this was kind of like a two-banger. We could have done this forever. Well, maybe you'll come on again. Yeah. Yeah, you'll be popular demand, I'm sure. Dex told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home, when I stopped coming to L.A. as often, he's like, you have to find your Eric. He's like, it's a necessity. You have to find your Eric in Detroit. I think it's just baggage from being a kid and a class clown. Even though in AA I gotta take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit.

50:52I need one person I can be like, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can talk about everything. All right, love you. Love you guys.