Mom's Car: Joy Bryant

24:00This is full of white bullshit. This is full of white bullshit. Just let you know. It's going to be good. This is white bullshit. It'll be exactly what you expect. It'll be exactly what... You're not going to relate to it, but it will entertain you. It's going to be under-seasoned, but it's going to be good. Under-seasoned. It's gonna be raisins and a potato salad, but it's gonna, you know, it's gonna be picking out. Did you like any of those shows, though? Yes, I loved 90210, Melrose Place. Also, you were in that boarding school that was a bunch of honkies, right? They were probably all watching Melrose and talking about it.

24:37Weird thing is, I don't remember watching a lot of TV in high school because I think we had TV in maybe some of the common rooms or something like that, but I didn't really watch a lot. So which one did you watch? Party of Five? I wasn't really into Party of Five. That was extra wide. Throw some names out. Well, Beverly was 90210. She said yeah, and Melrose. And did you have a favorite character on 90210? Dylan. Dylan. Dylan, yeah. Not Brandon. We love Brandon. He's a nice ass, but it's all about the bad boy. With the raspy voice. And a Porsche, convertible Porsche in high school. Wait, he had a convertible Porsche?

25:09Yes, yes. What a badass. Yeah, he rolled around a little Porsche spider. Fucking A. Yeah, hard to beat. But then Brandon got a 65 Mustang. Sure did. Yeah, at one point. Yeah. I love that the premise of that show is that they were poor. And they kept showing their house, like a 4 ,000 square foot house in Beverly Hills. They're poor. And you're like, God, I don't know how they're... Embarrassed around their friends. Yeah, still want to get picked up in front of their house. Who would be your top three list of people you would want to smoke a joint with? You bring your own, I guess, in this scenario.

25:47Seth Rogen's number one. Yes. He's looking for one, two, three. I might be able to broker that. No way. I would smoke more than one hit with Seth Rogen. Okay. Although I kind of feel like his weed is very strong too, but I would just bring my own as well. This is one of Joy's hot takes that I loved when we were doing Parenthood. She was like, okay, Seth Rogen and James Franco, they're in all these movies together. And all the girls are wild for Franco. And he's objectively cute. I get it. She goes, but for my money, give me a night with Seth Rogen. Yep. And I was like, girl. Look, he's funny and he likes to eat and he smokes weed.

26:19Yeah, this is the dream hang. The snacks would be crazy. And the snacks would be crazy. Love it. Okay, so Seth Rogen, number one. Woody Harrelson, any interest?

26:35You know, I never thought of my top dream stoner. Yeah, I would love a Woody Harrelson. With Woody Harrelson? But when you threw out Willie Nelson and then Snoop, That's tough because these are like the gods. They're on the mouth. My weed bar, yeah. This is how I break it down. There's platinum status, gold, silver, bronze, and pewter. Now, I have friends who are like platinum level stoners, like homies. And I know I can't smoke with them, but I know that if they were to get with Snoop, Willie, or whoever, they would go toe to toe. One of my homegirls in New York, this bitch. One time we did edibles and they were five milligram each.

27:12And of course I did one. She did five, which means she had 60 milligrams to my five. And I was high and she looked high, but she was totally functioning and kind of doing her shit. And I was like, oh yeah, girl. Well, that is the weird question I kind of sometimes ask myself is if you wake and bake and you maintain and you're, yeah, you're not altered. It's just curious. I'm not even sure that you know when you're stoned. You know what I'm saying? Well, back in the day, I was someone who smoked all day and I could function and do anything and everything. Yeah. But now I don't have that level of tolerance.

27:46So I can't just be smoking all day and handle the things that I need to handle. So weirdly, okay, and your tolerance went down. Yeah. I just interviewed Seth. He said he smoked with Snoop and he just got blown away. And I was like, oh, it's interesting. There are rungs. So for me on that scale, I'm like bronze to pewter because I do smoke probably more than the average person. There's different modalities that I tap into. with weed. Okay, and have you dabbled in another craze I'm noticing is a lot of people doing mushroom chocolate. Have you fucked with that? Yes. It's great, right? It's fucking awesome.

28:20Remember that time I told you I walked from the Hollywood Bowl past your house? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were chocolate-ed up. Yeah, like that was not a great idea, but I did that. Stay tuned for more Mom's Car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. You know, it reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off, like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue. Rookie mistake. Or how about when you're about to head out on a road trip and you know to check your tire pressure first? It's those little check first moments that save us from bigger headaches later.

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30:09No more running around like a headless chicken trying to get everything done. So make your life easier and order now on Uber Eats. Remember, get up to 40 % off back-to-school essentials. Offer ends 9-16, terms apply. See app for details. What's great about this mushroom thing is you never knew when you were taking shrooms. I've eaten a pound of shrooms in my life. Aaron and I famously bought a half pound in Santa Cruz, which was two gallon-sized Ziploc bags. And we got one gallon for our consumption, and then Aaron sold the other gallon in Detroit, and we made, for us, a fucking fortune. I think we made like$1 ,200 or something and got a free quarter pound.

30:54Anyways, you didn't know what you were taking. You were like, I guess I'm doing four stems and six calves. What does that mean? And even if people had scales like, well, way at three point, well, how much of it is psilocybin inside of all these stems and shit? The notion that you can take that chocolate and you know exactly what it is, is pretty radical. Did I tell you this was actually your chips premiere? I'm sure I never had mentioned. I was so embarrassed about it. So Scotty and I were staying in a hotel together. We were going to go to your house because your family was there. Mom and Dave Barton and everybody.

31:31The whole gang. And I hadn't seen anybody in a long time, but I was also really peeking in my fucking addiction and everything else at the time. In my mind, this was a good idea because I thought it would keep me chill. Scotty went and got a candy bar and each little piece was five milligrams. This is a weed or mushroom. Yeah, weed chocolate. Yeah, yeah. So he fucking chomps like 10 of them down. Wow. Like a crazy amount. And I know myself, I can fucking do an ounce of Coke and drink a crazy amount, but I can't smoke weed. We've never been strong in that category, Aaron and I. I think it was March Madness at the time.

32:11This is setting this up. So we're going to go to a bar, watch some basketball, have a couple beers, keep it chill so we can go have dinner with you and the family. And then your premiere wasn't until the following day, I think. I had won a five milligram piece. We go to the bar. I lost my sight. I started when I realized my paranoia set in. The bar was busy. All of a sudden, I decided that the bartender didn't want me there. Or no, just the waitress. We're sitting at a table. Although we're drinking and eating. Doing everything a waitress might want you to do. I was like, it was so strong. I can't be here anymore.

32:53Scotty was like, whoa. What the fuck? So, no, we'll stay. 30 minutes later, I just go blind. I'm watching. I'm, like, looking outside, and it just is gone. I can barely see Scotty's orbit right next to me. And I'm, like, no, no, no. Yeah, so, fast forward to Scotty holding my hand and walking me back to the hotel. You had to tell him at some point, I can't see. Yes, I told him I was completely blind. Oh, my God. What do you do with that ammo? Because you're like, well, you're not. There's no way your eyes got damaged while we were watching this basketball game. Oh, my God. Yeah, so he held my hand and walked me back and I was like just barely seeing shapes.

33:41I'm like, I'm going to get hit by a car for sure. Oh, my God. Thank God you weren't alone. So we get back. The pool was not even open. It's outside. I jump in it. At my house? No, no, no. At the hotel. You know, I'm like, I need some cold water. Anyway, so I can see. Yeah, so I do that. Nothing. I go into the shower. Now it's almost time to leave for dinner. I'm like, I can't see. And I was like, I can't. Still couldn't see. Yeah, so I remember Scotty called you, or texted me, and said, yeah, weekly, you know, it's not having a... Or whatever. I don't know how we word it. Yeah, I don't remember that.

34:21Okay, yeah. Well, you had a lot going on. A lot going on. And I remember you were not, you weren't happy. You were disappointed, which was the worst part, of course, for me. I'm like, I wish he would just be mad at me. But no, he's disappointed and still loves me. And I'm off. So I called it a wrap and like slept for 13 hours. Yeah, yeah. Because that's what you gotta do. You gotta just go to sleep. I do wonder though, if it was in your head I was disappointed. Possibly. Yeah. Because I have no memory of it. And just also, I can't imagine ever if someone's fucked up and they pull something like being judgmental.

35:00I just did it so much. I missed birthday parties. I was late for Christmas. I think I would have just been like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Probably better he didn't roll up Annihilate. I'm maybe even grateful, I feel like is what I would have felt like. I come with a cane. And dark sunglasses. You're like, what the fuck? Did he get hot acid in his eyes? Oh, my God. Yeah, you're surely right. I probably made that part up. You definitely made that up in your head. Because I was disappointed with myself. Yeah, you were. A thousand percent made it up in your head. Oh, my God. All you have to do is be chill for one day.

35:33No. You can't. No. And you tried. And I tried. You tried. Wait. So when you woke up. I was like, I'm just going to drink some beer. Was your vision restored? 100%. Yeah. 2020. Like this is it? Yeah. I went to the premiere that day. I saw you, saw everyone. Oh my God. Got fucking hammered. Oh my God. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm better off just getting hammered. I'm like, let me go back to my old self. Oh, what is this? Except, oh, look at this. I'm turning right. No, roast duck by. Stop it. Hey, Joy. Oh my God, this feels like a blessing. Did you order? It's me, you guys. She ordered some duck.

36:10Oh, I see roasted duck. Get the fuck out of here. Look at this. Oh, this is going to be hard for Joy to not get nibbling on this duck. I'm gonna fucking puke when this duck gets in the car. They not getting his order. Damn. Can you bring a menu out?

36:27Can you bring a menu? Holy shit! I can't believe you desire duck that much. Oh my God. It's like a kink for you. It's like a kink to me. It's a kink. I think he said be real careful with this. Be extra careful. It's extra greasy. I'm holding it like a baby. Do you want me to put it back here? No, he said keep it upright. Now, I'll hold it. Okay. How do I? You don't trust me? Make it. Thank you. I don't. Okay, moral dumbfounding. All right, Joy, you're gonna like this. Corpse desecration. Great. Okay. A medical student alone in a lab finds an unclaimed cadaver. They decide to have sex with it. Knowing that no one will ever find out and the person is already dead.

37:13Is this morally wrong? Yeah, this one's really hard to not say. It's absolutely wrong. I think it's absolutely wrong because it's still a violation. You were not given consent. And then at that point, does the body belong to the family? That's why I think he was clever in saying unclaimed. Unclaimed. You notice these clever things that he puts in there to prevent you from making that argument. Like, oh, the family would be upset. I still think that it's a no-go. Isn't it only a misdemeanor legally? Is it? I gotta imagine it's a felony having sex with... You don't think so? Based on... Especially unclaimed.

37:57How about this? When I'm dead, I don't care what anyone does with my body. I'm dead. You don't care if someone fucks you in the... I don't fuck you in the... I want someone to fuck you in the... I almost hope someone can get some... Enjoyment on a mic. Fuck that. I care if some dude fucks me when I'm dead. I care about that. I don't want some random dude just fucking, like, bust him off and I'm dead. I bet we can make this harder really easily. And you say the cadaver's a man and a rigor mortis caused his penis to stay erect. And it's a woman who does it. You got to admit it's different than a dude banging a female corpse, right?

38:40Because that male is penetrating versus... No, I just think it's the moral dumbfoundedness, right? Like, I just know guys are worse. They're doing all the raping. They're doing all the raping. If a gal gets off on a dead guy, and then you also, you got to assume a dead guy would definitely love for his dead body to be had sex with by a woman. Admittedly, I'm more open to a woman doing it to me than a man doing it to my corpse. It's almost like you're donating your body to science in a way? Yes, I'm donating it to someone who presumably can't otherwise have sex if they're having sex with a corpse.

39:15Okay, we'll put a pin in this. We'll be right back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Duck, let's pull up that menu. What if you just wanted to meet them because you're like, hey, I like Duck a ton too. Hey, do you have any extra? Can I come hang out, you guys? I'm like obsessed with this fucking Duck place. I can't think of anything else but this fucking Duck. God damn it. They own a Cybertruck. What do you think, Love Duck plus Cybertruck, just puts you right back at zero? Um... Yeah. That's zero. It's a push. Yeah, it's a push. It's a push. Okay, so we were at the what if it's a guy cadaver. Yeah, I guess I'm asking, are you more comfortable with a woman having sex with a male cadaver than a man having sex with a female cadaver?

40:02That does kind of feel different. Logically, I go, it's the same, but I... same time, it's - This is similar to - We've debated at length whether it's okay to have sex with a dolphin, a human, because dolphins are so horny. Dolphins are very horny. They're the horniest. And what we have decided we feel comfortable with is a woman being in love with a male dolphin, but not a man being in love with a female dolphin. Because the male dolphin has to do the penetrating. We know it's consensual because he's initiating and doing it. And for some reason, that just feels a lot better to me than a dude deciding the dolphin loved him back and wanted it.

40:41I don't trust a guy to make that call. Which is always the case. Yes. We don't have a great track record. How do you feel about a woman and a male dolphin as lovers?

40:56I love it. I'm happy for both. I'm certainly stoked for the dolphin. Like, what a pimp. He's got interspecies appeal. Right. Yeah. Did you just come up with a new morally dumbfounding question there? I think so. Yeah, yeah. I think I should pitch this. I'm going to email this to Jonathan. I think I didn't even pitch that. Great news. I have a new one. Bestiality. Is it okay? With only a dolphin, because they're super intelligent. With dolphin dick and a consenting. Because we see them trying all the time. There's untold videos of these. I was obsessed with naughty dolphins. Naughty Dolphins. Dirty Dolphins.

41:38Naughty Dolphins. Another great show I would watch. Dirty Dolphins? White Drama and Naughty Dolphins. I said Block. That's a solid couple hours of television. Oh my God, Dirty Dolphins. Okay, back to the cadaver. Aaron, what do you think? Some people may not like this, but I don't think it's morally wrong. Wait, did you say you don't think it's morally wrong? I did. I did. I don't know how Jim might go that way. I think that person is a perv. He's just having sex with a steak at that point. Yes. And the question is, is this dude nasty as hell? The nastiest. The nastiest. The nastiest. Yeah. But again, I'm having a hard time finding the victim.

42:19I still think the victim is the body. Yeah. Because it still lacks consent. And you are taking advantage of a body, even though the body is no longer alive. It's still a body. And so for those reasons, I would have the same issue if it was a woman with a dead hard dude. Same. Well, I think this question also would be harder if you believed in an afterlife. Yeah. I think that's in the mix a little bit, right? I think that's probably one of my main reasons. I think that person doesn't exist anymore. So I don't think there's actually a person to consider. I don't necessarily think that person exists anymore either.

42:53I still feel that it's still a body. It's still a human being, even though that human being is normal. You don't have rights to just any body. No, you don't. That's fair. But I do think if you're deeply Christian and you believe you'll be in heaven watching this person violate your corpse, it's easy to find a way to victimhood in that. If you believe you'll be in heaven and could somehow observe this. Yeah. See, I don't believe in that. I'm not religious at all, necessarily. But I just believe in you crossing a line, man. Yeah. That's a fucking line. This one, I will say of all these. You're crossing a line.

43:26Of all these I've heard. Take your dick somewhere else, dude. I was like, would you go to a fucking grave and like dig up some shit and like same thing? Let's paint the most generous defense of the person possible for one second, which is I didn't pick what I'm into. Luckily, I happen to be into women who are my age and have been my whole life. I'm not a good person because I picked peers my age who I want to consent. That's just how I am. I don't think anyone picks being a pedophile. No one's trying to be a pedophile. I think that's a terrible way to go through life on planet Earth. I mean, what would you do?

44:05So I don't think anyone picks that. So let's just assume for a second there is someone, guy or a girl, who they were born, the only thing they ever are going to want to have sex with is a corpse. They didn't decide that. That's just how it is. They're never going to have sex with an alive person. If they're ever going to be sexual in their whole life, it's going to be with a corpse. And now they're in this situation where it's like, oh, here's this corpse. They're dead. It's not like they're gonna be upset or in any discomfort. Now's my chance. I'm mildly sympathetic if there's someone that was born that way and that's just how they are and I just got lucky and it's easy to be like me.

44:37That's as good of an argument as I could maybe make. You're still out. But if it's a normal person like you, like if it's you in there and you're like, I'm either gonna jerk off. Sure. Yeah, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. I'm a lazy piece. I was like, fuck, I was gonna jerk off, but this seems a little bit easier. It seems like 5 % easier. Can you imagine that seems easier? Than Jack and... Well, that's where you get into the weirder conversation is like what dudes do in prison. That one's really interesting. Is that one of the questions too? No, but I'm just now thinking about the notion that there are dudes who will fuck other guys while they're in prison and get oral from them and then get out and never do that again.

45:24That's not their preference, but in a pinch they'll do it. And then I used to watch that show Hookers on the Point on HBO. Oh, I love that show. It's the best show ever, right? Remember? The narrator. Yeah. I got a quarterback girl. I'm sucking dick right now. Yeah, verbatim. I love the narrator. The narrator, this is how he talks. He goes, the ladies on the point are working hard tonight. Sucking and fucking. Like, and then. That's so good. Do you think we can find that on Max? I don't know that it's on there, unfortunately, but that was Nate and I's show. We loved watching Hookers on the Point together.

46:02And our favorite episode, which was so confusing, was this guy had picked up one of our heroes from the show, the white chick with no teeth. She's like, how are you tonight, baby? He's like, good. I just got out of prison today. She's like, oh, welcome home, baby. She starts blowing them in the middle of it. Now he's getting really into it. And he's like, oh, fuck. I want some balls in my mouth. Oh, no. And they and I were like, whoa, what's happening in this man's mind? He got a female hooker, but now he's like, I want some balls in my mouth. And he said it a few times. And she goes, oh, you kinky.

46:44And I was like, that's more the service that a sex worker might provide than people might think, right? which is you might think they're just there to have an orgasm, but the acceptance that those gales have of whatever anyone's thing is, is nice, right? Like maybe you are, in quotes, you're straighter, who cares? You want a woman to blow you, but you want to talk about sucking balls the whole time. Yeah, that's okay. That's okay. Yeah. And I don't think that makes you whatever. We don't have a category. We don't need a category for this. Balls. Isn't that about the sort of fluidity of sexuality and things like that, right?

47:23And I think that also plays into how men could potentially have sex with each other in prison, but get out and they're like, okay, well, that was then. So yeah, when Nate and I lived together, we were in our different bedrooms every morning. We'd be doing our computer work and every now and then I'd just hear from down the hallway. Oh, I want some balls in my mouth!

47:45The ladies are working hard tonight on The Point. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. So I was vegetarian from 94 until 2018. And during that time, I was like a pescalactitarian. I would have... Say those years again. I want to do the fast math. What is it? 94 to 2018. So 24 years. And when I met you... I was vegetarian. You were vegetarian. You were starting to fuck with fish sticks. We need to tell that story in route to this answer. The salmon sticks. Oh no, damn it! Oh my God. Let's tell Erin that really quick. Please, please. It is. Okay, so when we were filming Parenthood, I was clearly such a grindy bitch.

48:33And also, let me just say from my point of view, I had met Joy before Parenthood. I'm like, oh, this is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I thought that every time I met her, right? And now I'm on the show with her and we're playing fiancés. Yeah. I'm like, I hit the lottery. Is this who I have to kiss? Is this former supermodel? So just know, going into it, I'm like, I hit the lottery. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. I was just a regular model. I wasn't really a supermodel, but I hear what you're saying. So on this one day, we have this scene where we're gonna kiss. In the lead up to this scene, he has watched me.

49:09because at that time, I was smoking cigarettes. So he'd watch me have a cigarette with a cup of coffee. Then he watches me like, you know, a little time goes out. I'm at the craft service. I'm eating a hard-boiled egg. She's nasty. Hard-boiled eggs. Or they could have been either hard-boiled or like, what do you call them? Oh, devil. It was either a hard-boiled or devil. Either one. Just like inappropriate. Going hard on the eggs in the morning. Going hard on the eggs in the morning. Then I had like some salmon sticks or something like that. She was gnawing on a salmon stick. And I'll go back to a cigarette and some coffee.

49:41I'm missing something. There was one more thing that I was like. Those are the four I remember. It was like coffee, cigarettes, fucking eggs. Eggs and salmon sticks. And I'm just, you know, you snack it. I'm watching and I'm like, this is a real fuck you to me. He's clucking. What did I do? So then he finally goes, you got to pick one. You can't do all four. You can smoke, drink coffee, eat hard-boiled eggs, and fucking salmon sticks. and then they start to kiss me. You gotta pick one. And I don't even care what it is. You can't do all four. I can't do the cornotopia. You cannot do all four. You gotta pick one.

50:15And I was like, oh, damn. You know what? My bad. You know what? I changed my life. Oh, my God. Changed my life. I love that story. Yeah. Because for three of them, I'm like, I can't say anything. But once the fucking salmon sticks came out, I'm like, okay. I'm gonna have to say it. But that's how I do that. This is my boy right here. What the fuck is a salmon stick? He was like some kind of salmon. He was like salmon jerky. Oh, God, yeah. Sure. Fucking fish jerky. Real salty fish. He's like, bitch, you can't do all four, bitch. You got to pick one thing. I'm only human. Look at the size of his nose.

50:48I can smell and taste it. What the fuck? Pick one thing. And ever since then, I'm like, it's only one thing. My two favorite moments along those lines is like, you're acting together, you're friends, and then you have to hook up sometimes. And so I'm trying to be cool. And I say to Joy, like, before we have this crazy scene, do you want to have a boundaries conversation? Like, I want to make sure I don't do anything, you know? And Joy goes, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Don't touch my hair.

51:21Wow, I'm so glad we had this conversation. Because you better touch a white chick's hair. She's expecting you to do something. That's like, that's standard for a white girl. Get your fucking fingers out of there. That scene is very nice. Right. That's a great conversation. So that conversation yielded some learning and growth. I mean, I've lightened up a little bit more. Okay. Okay. I mean, you can touch it. Well, and then it led to her going like, no, no, listen. I wear a head scarf at night. Is that what it's called? Yeah. I mean, I guess now people are doing bonnets. But like, I would do with a scarf.

51:54Yeah. And she's like, listen, I put my hair in a scarf at night. And if I don't have my scarf on, Dave knows, okay, it's time. And I go, oh, yeah, this is an incredible indicator how women should have head scarves. No, but also, I will take it off. If it evolves. If it's gone, but I'm going to take it off. I think this food delivery is pretty fun. I do, yeah. I do think you need to have food. There's two arguments to be made. One is like, now we're so hungry. I'm so hungry. Yeah, and we're going to fucking have so much fun eating. Oh my God. Yeah, we're gonna really go for it. We're gonna have to order duck, pizza, everything we picked up.

52:35Yeah, wings. Well, Jo, I love you. Oh my God, you guys, this is so much fun. Thanks for coming in mom's car with us and delivering some food. This was so much fun, I'm so hungry.