Mom's Car: Ryan Hansen

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24:12All to say, there was this boy when I first moved to Highland, to my neighborhood, and I was brand new there. I didn't know anyone. And he was the first to kind of ride his bike up to my yard and ask if I wanted to come over. So I went to his house and he was very sweet. But he had like a coin collection and he had wallpaper of old cars on his wall. Not cool cars, but old timey cars. He loved old trains and coin collections. And he talked about his grandpa all the time. He's such a cute name. And he was enormous too. He was like a big boy like me. Anyways, I had been friendly with him when I first moved there.

24:46And then I definitely outgrew him really quick, which is sad. And I felt guilty about it. But somehow he wanted to get in the mix. I'll never forget. I punched him in the stomach in the parking lot of Spring Mills. Parking lot. For some reason, once in a while you'd have recess in the parking lot because it was too muddy or some shit. I don't know why we were in the parking lot. But I punched him in the stomach and it knocked the wind out of him. Oh, that's a terrible feeling. And he got really, really scared. And he fell down and he was crying. and I felt so fucking bad. And then I told Clay, I don't want to fight at recess anymore.

25:21I don't think anyone likes this. I think they're just scared of us. And he was like, yeah, go on your way. I'm going to stick with this. And God bless him. He stuck with it. Wow. And then I had to go get this other group of friends, which I'm glad I did. But I was driven there by feeling really terrible. Well, good for you. I like that story. I did too. I love the ending. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can see him so clearly laying on the asphalt. It was right by a manhole cover, crying and scared that he had just been killed. You know the first thing you get the wind. Oh, it's the scary thing. You're never going to breathe again.

25:54Yeah, you're dead. You're like drowning. This boy just killed me at school. I bet those coins flashed before his eyes. That's grandpa. Okay, so I was saying, though, that I do like my trajectory, which is, like, not popular at all, then super popular in junior high. But then when I moved to a whole new school district to move in with my dad in ninth grade, started high school in a place I didn't know anyone. And I had two really brutal years. I had a terrible haircut. I had acne. I got super skinny and tall. I didn't have the right clothes. I did spend two years just thinking, well, that was my only taste of it.

26:29Yeah. And then when it came back to me around 11th grade, I was so grateful to be back. Oh, yeah. I thought it wasn't ever going to happen again. And then slowly it started kind of working again. Never in the same way it did junior high, but definitely by senior year, I was one of the cooler kids in my school. Did you guys have senior superlatives? Is that what it's called? Yeah. We did in junior high too. We called them mock elections and we were super into them then. And I think I did get class called, but I never got my yearbook. That's how much I didn't like. You never got your yearbook? Those are so fun.

27:03I never got a yearbook in high school. only our junior high ones, which we look at nonstop. Yeah. My girls look through my high school one. They read everything. I'm like, don't read the stuff. But that's your sweet spot, right? Is high school an apex? I think so, yeah. Yeah, let's just say that the family you married into, the whole gang's in love with you, right? You start by going on a date with your now wife's older sister. Your best friends with the oldest brother. Yeah. And then you start dating Amy. Yeah. I guess I was pretty popular in high school, but also - The most popular? No. Are you sure?

27:34Yeah. Come on. I was a jokester, so I think some people probably thought I was a jerk. Okay, sure. I'm going to be honest about that. Sure, sure. But I think it was just joking. Sure. Good old, good natured joking around. But I do. You can't take a joke. Yeah, you do. But I think for the most part, I was okay. Yeah, because you're a very sweet boy, but sometimes rascally. Yeah, a little bit of a rascal. You push the boundaries for sure. And I was in ASB, which is Associated Student Body, just so I could get the off-campus pass, which was everything. Okay. So you could write yourself a pass to go get whatever supplies for the dance, but really go get burritos for everyone.

28:08Oh, wow. No, that was the best. What a blessing. Did you have a car in high school? Yeah. Bronco 2. That's a great car for you in high school. It was pretty cute. My brother and I shared it for a while, and then he got a little truck, and then I had the Bronco 2. After that, I think my dad's old Honda Accord, which I had for a few years. And how were you juggling being deeply Christian, but also knowing that you were crazy about all these girls and that that was going to be challenging? I guess what I'm asking is, were you like riddled with shame a lot of the time that you felt this way towards girls and stuff?

28:36Yeah, there was some shame for sure. But also at that time, I was just kind of away from it and then kind of found it again. My own kind of faith once I got out of high school and really started dating Amy. Well, I dated her in high school. Once it wasn't mandatory. Right. So, yeah, I would definitely struggle with that. And there was a lot of shame around sex and masturbation and all that. How about even being really popular? Is that cool or is there any issue there? As far as my faith in being popular? Well, just like, I don't know, it's not very humble to enjoy attention. No, that's not. That's all good.

29:04Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. You didn't have any kind of. No, I don't think there's any. Yeah, you can shine as bright as you want. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'm with it. Bring more folks in. Obviously. That works. I brought so many kids one time to high school youth group because the more people you bring, the more tickets you get in the raffle. And I won because I brought so many kids. Okay. A BMW 2002. Wait, what? It was junky. My dad didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to drive stick. We all learned how to drive stick around our neighborhood. Oh, I want that car. My dad sold it for like$200.

29:36He just got rid of it. I didn't even know. I was so mad at him. Wow. I know. I think I was 15. We didn't have our license yet, but I won a car. You won a car. But it was like a piece of junk. How many kids had you brought? I probably brought 15 kids. How many stuck around? The church? None of them. None of them. Not your problem. You don't got to close the deal. You're just bringing a mill in my crown. 11th grade, too. I was so happy to run into you again. Yeah, yeah. Was it PADAM? No. Or just I heard you were in PADAM. Yeah, it was the Palmer Drug Abuse Program. Oh, God. It was outpatient. It was like an AA for kids.

30:13Yeah, for kids. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that nationwide or is that like a local thing? No, it was local. Okay. As far as I know. I think it was nationwide. It was? I really had an expert on that was talking about Palmer. The hell do I know? Yeah, right. I was local. Yeah. But I was always, A, my dad made me go to AA meetings while I lived with them. That was the only rule I had. Well, and in fact, I didn't have to go to AA. He wanted me to go to Al-Anon. But when I went to Al-Anon, I didn't really relate to anything they were saying. But when I was around alcoholics, I'm like, oh, I kind of relate to these people.

30:40So I just would go to those meetings. And I didn't drink. And everyone drank. So I found myself at Palmer at one point, I guess in ninth grade. So I had been there before Aaron had. And then Aaron was there for legitimate reasons. I had a court order to be there. Oh, wow. And then somehow, I think through that, we started hanging out again. Yeah, we saw each other, I think, at Country Boy Restaurant. And it had been a long, long time. Yeah, yeah. Which seems like decades when you're that age. And then it was like slowly off to the races again. Yes, from 11th grade on. Same high school. No, we had different high schools.

31:18Were they like rival high schools? No. Well, tell me your high school experience. Oh, well, I was expelled from high school in 10th grade. We got to add to this is the heartbreaking thing for me on the outside was that Aaron was such an insanely good baseball player. And the only upside of him going high school is going to be like, oh, he was finally going to get to play in high school, which would then lead to everything else. And then, yeah, I think I heard through the grapevine that Aaron was done with traditional high school in 10th grade. I'm going to take a non-traditional route. To the majors.

31:54To the majors. I'm going to include Duck Lake High. So, yeah, how long were you kicked out before you found out about Duck Lake? What was it called? Oh, it was called Duck Lake then. Duck Lake High. I don't know. It was an alternative education. Ours was called Chaparral. Chaparral. The gnarly kids went there. And this one was in a really tiny deserted elementary school. Oh, yeah. So it was like the gym was really small. and everything was small. The seeds are tiny. And all the guys that were in their 30s. Yeah, totally. All the guys were big drinkers. They all smoked cigarettes in class. Oh, yeah, we could smoke there.

32:33No way. That was fun. Oh, my God. And there were guys who had, like, plumbing vans in the driveway. Like, tradesmen were going to school with Aaron. My God. I took Dex and never believed any of the stories I told him. He's like, I don't believe it. I was like, yeah, this one guy is 22 and he's got cowboy boots. Family. He's a real good volleyball player. We would go in the baby gym and play volleyball. This school was really just an assemblage of all the toughest kids from all of the districts. It's the scariest place you could possibly find. A couple of the teachers were bodybuilders. They had to fucking try to keep everyone in line.

33:21It wasn't for the fact that hard. Did it ever get tricky? Was there crazy fights? Yeah, there was crazy fights. Yeah, there was. Yeah, there was crazy fights. I brought Dax to school one day to check it out. You know what's funny is you could do a guest pass for a school, but I think generally they gave those out because someone would be thinking about going to that school. Is this Charlie's old gym? This is Magnus. Charlie's gym's right there. This is that Porsche guy right here. Oh, boy. What if I was delivering to him? I'm pretty sure it's that one. They're right there. He's waiting. Three guys delivering food.

33:50Three men with cameras. Can't be too safe nowadays. Hi, Ben. But Aaron used to get out of that school early. Of course, they couldn't expect those kids to be in school more than six hours or whatever. No, it was, I think, 8 to 11, 30 or something. It was half of what a normal day would be. So nice. Yeah, just long enough to have four or five cigarettes. Play some volleyball? and get to the job site. Could you smoke in class or was it like a smoke break? Yeah, there was a smoking room. Smoking room. I was hitting those darts on the set this last month and Charles, oh, it was so fun. Because your character smoked?

34:34No, one of the guys in it was doing always have one. I'm like, let me have one of those. Oh, it's so nice. You're so lucky. Oh, it's so fun. You have such a loose grip with addictive stuff. Well, I didn't buy a vape this trip, which was a big deal for you because I think I'd be on that for a month after. Smoke cigarettes instead? Yeah. Those are easier to put down than to vape. Well, because they smell so bad. You can vape anywhere. Yeah, you can get away. Also, if you come in the house and you've had some darts. Yeah, it stinks so bad. Oh, yeah. And your kids are on high alert for all things.

35:03Especially one of them. Oh, yeah. It's really funny that you spend like the first third of your life hiding everything from your parents. And then the next, you spend a third hiding your life from your kids. Totally. I mean, my dad, we grew up, there's zero alcohol in the house. He was a man of the cloth. So you couldn't drink. But I remember one time, like, hey, Jack, he was doing yard work on a Saturday. Can I sip some of your Mountain Dew in this styrofoam cup? He's like, no, no, you can't have that. So he goes out and does the weeds, and I take a sip. I'm like, this is disgusting. It was definitely like a little white wine or something.

35:32So he was having a little on the side. Oh, yeah. Good for him. He was snaking it. Good for Brad. He deserved it. Yeah. Oh, you know what? This should tie into this. He might have to edit it out, but maybe not. Okay. I wrote this just for Ryan. Did you know where the vagina was the first time? You were with a girl. Great question. My first time, I thought she only had a butt.

35:58Oh, my God. Let me hear your first time, Aaron. Elementary school, this was first time doing the anatomy. So this was Melissa. I dug this hole in my yard. I turned it into what I thought was going to be my fort, but it was kind of just a hole that took way too long to dig, like weeks. And I would cover it up with sticks and stuff so no one knew about it. I found this deck of cards and some magazines that I put on the dirt inside there. Decoration? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it was like naked girls on the cars, which it was just huge bushes, you know. Sure. Which, of course, didn't help at all trying to find the vagina.

36:48Somewhere in the bush. Yeah. And then when they don't have a bush, which this girl did not, because we're children. So we were like kissing. We're in a garage or in the hole? No, in the hole. In the hole? That's in the hole? Yeah. That's to entertain. So we got naked. Oh, my God. What grade is this? Probably, like, fourth. Fourth grade? Naked in a dirt hole. Oh, my God. I never told you this. No, no, I do. I'm not in a dirt hole. So we're in the hole. There was nothing going on. No one was horny. No one was horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just committed to doing this. Yeah, so she was, like, touching my tiny bald pecker.

37:38I feel like I'm going to go to jail for talking about that. But I was eight or whatever. It's hard to know who the victim is in this story, really. So, anyway, I was looking for the vagina, and I was like, so her belly button. I'm like, well, that's not it. Sure. Then I was like, or is it?

38:00So I was like rubbing her stomach. Yeah, I was kind of like, I guess this is it. You gave up. Yeah. Because I thought, well, the only thing left is her butt. Yeah. I'm so happy it ended there. This is wonderful. That was my exact experience, too. But I was newly at Muir, sixth grade, and this really popular seventh grader liked me. I guess we were going together. And we went to the Milford Cinema. And then afterwards, you'd go to Deanna's and hang out. And she's like, let's go behind the garage. And so we're behind the garage. And I had bent up someone's shirt at that point. And I'd made out a lot, but that was it.

38:37And then in the middle of it, she said, I love getting fingered. Which again, this is where we grew up. I've yet to meet a girl this aggressively sexual since. And I met a few of them at that period. Erin as well. I'm like, oh, right. She wants me to do that. No problem. And I put my hand on her pants and I was going down and down. And I'm like, OK, this is where my penis would be. There's hair. And then, yeah, starting to panic and going, well, the next thing would be her butthole. She doesn't have a vagina. Where the fuck is it? Why isn't it right there? And I'm pushing probably on her mom's pubis a ton looking for the penis.

39:26and then she goes have you never done this before? and I just panicked and like pot committed I just slammed my head deeper in there am I going to fucking touch her butthole and that's going to be that and then I found it oh my gosh yeah it was like 9 inches lower than I was expecting totally oh my gosh I thought like the first 3 girls I was with only had butts we started asking girls before well do you have a vagina because my last year haven't but i came to masturbation in the weirdest way it's back at the original junior high sixth grade and i'm with this dirt bag who i rarely hung out with but we're walking down the road for hours and i don't know why he says randomly like yeah all those underwear models are gay he doesn't say that, but worse.

40:23They all have Vaseline stains on their underwear from whacking off. This is a sentence I hear, right? And I'm like, I don't really think a ton of it then other than, oh, it's gay. It's gay and underwear model, whatever. And then, maybe three weeks later, I'm at my dad's house on the weekend, and I'm like rifling through his dresser like I did every time I visited. Like, as soon as he went to the bar, I was like, check out everything he had. And I just found this fucking enormous jug of Vaseline. I could hear him in my head saying like, the gays, James, you're jacking off. And then I was like, just rub it on your penis?

41:05And I remember sitting on my dad's bed with a fucking huge jar of thick Vaseline and rubbing it and it is confusing. It doesn't feel like anything. And then all of a sudden it starts feeling insane. and I think I'm losing my sight maybe. And I stop midway. I panic. And then I put the Vaseline away and everything. Over the next week, I kept thinking, wait, was that actually like about to feel great? Like I started questioning whether or not. And I was like, next time I'm at my dad's, I'm going to pursue that again. And sure enough, he went to the bar and I ran upstairs and counted all of his money and then got the vassal hat and then saw it through.

41:53And then you're just, you're completely off to the races. Yeah, absolutely. It just doesn't stop. Then all your underwear is stained. Yeah, and you're one of those gay models. Those gorgeous gay models. And then what's so weird is like, there was no religion in my house really to speak of, but I felt so guilty. I was constantly trying to quit. I remember, like, if I used my mom's lotion, I felt perverted. You're right. It's like if I went and got some of her intensive care. It smells like your mom. Vaseline intensive care. Like, oh, my God, I'm going to hell. I used my mother's sweet, wholesome lotion for this.

42:33Yeah, I think I always pretty much felt guilty after, for sure. Do you remember when you started, Aaron? Well, unwillingly took part in some of that nonsense. Right around that same time I was digging the hole and all that. They came back to bite me with that very safe neighborhood I was in. Yeah, so safe. Yeah, so I was being taught that unwillingly. Yeah, by an older grocer. Yeah, but the first time, this was probably, sure, sixth grade. I still remember my very first sexual feeling, but it wasn't for humans. I was like in fifth grade and I was asleep and I woke up with a boner, which I think was the first time I remember doing that.

43:15And in my dream, I had been humping this rock that was on my way to school. That was on the walk that I saw all the time. Sexy ass rock. Yeah, I had like a sex dream about this rock. Oh my God. And for the next year that I walked to school before I changed schools, I'd always look at that rock on the corner and just be like waiting for some spark to hit me. And then kind of wanting to hump it, but knowing you can't possibly do that at eight in the morning. Oh, my God. But I do. I always like lock eyes with this rock every day. And I just didn't know what that feeling was. Just like I feel the urge to grind on that rock.

43:57Did you ever grind on the rock? I didn't. Was it too big to take home? Oh my God, it was a boulder. Someone had it as landscape art. Of course, what am I thinking? It's this big? Oh my God. That is so funny, dude. What a dream. It's actually about a boulder. Those early things, they led to one of the craziest stories I have, which is around that time also I'm watching the movie Real Genius with Val Kilmer. And at one point he's making fun of the nerd in the school that they hate. His name's Clark, maybe, or something. No, it's Kent. And he's like, Kent, what were you doing when we found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?

44:38And I just remember hearing that and thinking like, oh, yeah, that would feel really good, wouldn't it? I was just, like, introduced to that notion from that movie. It was just floating around in my head for, I guess, eight years. And then I moved to Santa Monica. I'm 21. And I'm at Savon's store. and I see that there's like five boxes of Jell-O for a dollar. And I'm like, oh, it's fucking perfect. I live by myself. I've always been thinking about it. And I'm going to love it. So I'm going to buy five boxes, which I did. And then I came home and I made the Jell-O. And I thought it was just Jell-O immediately because I'd never made it.

45:17So I ate Jell-O. Got to let it set. So I'm just waiting. I'm sitting in my Lazy Boy while it's cooling in the fridge and I'm so horny. I feel like I could maybe spray before I even. Oh my God. Yeah. So I got it out early. Yeah. But it had taken enough shape and it was in a pint glass and I put my dick in it and it just immediately turned to Kool-Aid. It was such a waste of everything. Like I was probably a couple hours into this fantasy by the time I stick it in there. I'm standing in my kitchen because you can't really lay down and fuck the Jell-O. because it would just pour on you. So I'm like trying to fuck it in my kitchen.

46:00It's just red dye spilling all over the floor. I'm like totally bummed with the whole thing. I throw it in the sink, jerk off traditional style. Then the next morning I wake up and I go pee and I have like a rash on my dick. But because I'm 21, I'm always convinced I have an STD. So I'm like, oh, the dye stuck to an STD that I didn't know I had. And it's a rash, it's not the dye. I just, I don't know what it is. I decide I have a rash. Yeah. No, I think it is a rash. I don't know. I have an STD. I know that. Yeah. Because it just showed me. And so I have no insurance or anything. So I look up in the phone book, LA Free Clinic.

46:43And I know, and I know you already know the end of the story. But I go in there and I'm so embarrassed. I don't know really how I'm going to explain the jello part of this. and then I decide I'm going to act like me and my girlfriend were experimenting. Totally. That's the move. So I check in and then I'm behind a sheet and this doctor comes in. She's maybe three years older than me. She's so young and she's so pretty. And I'm like, oh my God. And she's like, so what's going on? And I go, well, I think I might have something. My girlfriend and I were experimenting with jello and oral sex. And she's like kind of, not to laugh, but she likes the side up to this.

47:26And then she goes, okay, well, let's see what we got going on. Pull your pants down. And she gets now down and she's like down at my crotch. And she looks up at me and she goes, what flavor was it? And I go, strawberry. And she goes, raspberry is my favorite. Oh, God. Is this the beginning of a plot? I got 100 % erect. Like, I'm 21. It's like a two by four. Dead hard. Oh, my gosh. Right in front of her face. Oh, my gosh. And she, like, looks and she, like, pushes it to this side and this side. And she goes, yeah, this is nothing. You're just a little irritated from the dye. But you don't have anything.

48:10You're a little worked up. Oh, my gosh, dude. Did you apologize when you got? I didn't know what to do. Yeah, what do you do? You just stand there. And then I'm telling myself, too, like, why would she have said that other than she is flirting with me? I don't know. My favorite's raspberry. Oh, I think I've seen that for now. Okay, now the funny and punchline to that story is a year and a half later, I meet Bree, fall in love. Bree moves in and like probably 10 times she offers after dinner, you want me to make some of that Jell-O? Because it's just four boxes are sitting in there. And I said no a bunch of times.

48:47and then she goes, you never want this Jell-O. Why do you even have it? And I go, I go, I hate Jell-O, okay? I don't like Jell-O. I bought it because I wanted to fuck it because of this movie and I just like came clean. And then she was laughing so hard. That was so good. That was basically a sex doll in the cupboard. Oh my gosh. Well, Ryan, I love you. Love you guys. That was so nice. It's just nice to drive around in a chair. Did we record anything? Who cares? Who cares the shit?