Seth Meyers Returns Again

20:41I don't even know why we were outside. I never remember us talking outside where he was a different kind of angry. There was like a deep sadness to it. It wasn't just rage. He was just so disappointed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a real turning point. Was it a moment of apex laziness? It was the time where it was like almost too late to like get it right before college. Yes, you're running out of time. And was it a grades thing where you like smoke and pop? No, it was just grades. And it was every teacher I ever had was like, he's not applying himself. That was the bummer of teachers being like, he's smart, he's talented, he's lazy.

21:14Yeah. So my dad was just like, what? What do we do? I'm doing. I also think it's maybe more common if the bar is set very high, like you have to reach this, you're capable of reaching this and this. It's like, well, maybe I don't want to fucking do that. My dad also was like a scholarship kid to Northwestern. It was where I eventually went as well. He was like ground up. And then that thing of like you then provide your kids a better life than you had. and you just lay out the red carpet for them. And literally all they have to do is just apply themselves to the talent with which they were born.

21:46Yeah, yeah. It certainly hasn't happened yet. But now that I have kids, I know that that would be the most frustrating thing. Yeah. It's like, are they going to launch or not? It didn't help that he thought I wasn't applying myself. And every teacher I ever talked to was like, yeah, no, you got it. Yeah. Clearly what you've demonstrated is you have great industriousness. What was the fuel you figured out how to shovel? One is like do the thing you were most interested in doing. I mean, that is the hardest part about school. Like even now, science and math have no appeal to me. But that is a big part of being good in school.

22:17Yeah, yeah. Applying yourself to that which does not interest you is, of course, the hardest thing. If you're on a first date and someone asks you why you're so driven, what is your explanation? Oh, my. A first date and someone said, why are you so driven? They've noticed you're really driven. It always looked like the brass ring. It just was appealing. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like you maybe there were other things that presented themselves to you as what you could do for a living. I really didn't have anything else that I ever wanted to do even a little bit. So then you're like, OK, it's interesting, too.

22:49Before I got SNL, I was doing improv once a week, but I wasn't like spending the rest of my week. Obsessing. Yeah. And so it was weirdly a little lazy. And then I was lucky enough to get hired by a few places. And once I actually had a job where you knew how to apply yourself, like then it all made sense to me. But it's hard being driven before you actually have a job in showbiz. And the people who are good at it, I've always been very impressed by. Trying to apply yourself to something that doesn't really, you need an opportunity. That is hard. That's interesting because I would have pegged you as more, you had done great the whole ride.

23:21The thing that turned everything around for me in college, because I was a radio TV film major, immediately when I did early film stuff, I was taken with, this is too hard. This is way more science than art. learning how cameras work. And I was so bored. Oh, you were with your major? Bummed out. But we had an improv troupe at Northwestern and I saw that and I was like, oh, now here we go. The meows? Yeah, well done. Nice pull, meow. And then I auditioned for that freshman, sophomore, junior year, did not get in. But that was the drive. That was the thing. And then thanks to a friend of mine in college, this guy named Pete Gross, he was the one who said, you know, we should start going in Chicago and taking classes.

23:59Why are we just waiting for this audition once a year and thinking that we're just going to be better because we want to be better. Without any practice. Without actually doing any work. It was the only comedy and writing that I ever tried to get better at anything. Right. But you did graduate. I did. Then you had that most envious two years in Amsterdam. The best, yeah. God, I'm so jealous of that. It was the best. I'm going back in a couple of weeks. You go once a year? Depends. This time it's the founders who are a married couple are renewing their vows and so it's a reason for us all to do.

24:27You guys always think of a reason. We do. 16 and a half year anniversary. Last year was the 30th. And I think maybe I hadn't been back since the 25th. So there was a gap, but I did go last summer. Is everyone going to this wedding renewal? I'm going to bring my oldest son this time. Just the two of us. We've never taken a trip together. Are you nervous or excited? Here's the part I'm nervous about. Love my oldest so much. He's very excited. How old? Nine. Our friend Ike Barinholtz. Yeah. He's bringing his kids. And he's got girls. Yeah. They've traded some FaceTime videos. So they're very excited to meet.

24:56My son is so clumsy. Okay. All my fear is, am I going to let him rent a bike? Because biking in Amsterdam is how everybody gets around, but they bike the way people drive cars. On the Autobahn. Yeah, it's not a promenade. It's not an afternoon nap. You got to know what you're doing. It's a free-for-all. Yeah. I also am very worried about the fear I project, especially with my oldest. I feel like I did better with the next two, but you know, your first kid, they see the most. I know the biking will only work if I endow him with being good at it, but I have to like trick myself into thinking. It's a real weird.

25:33You have to be like back on finding your roots. You're going to have to put in a performance that you think he can conquer this town. And then Ike's like, yeah, my kids are great on bikes. I'm like, fuck. Because I can't be like, you know what's cool? When everybody says you do an Amsterdam, take an Uber. You've never Ubered. That's really cool. Ubered in Amsterdam. Boats, maybe just more boat rides. We're going to boat. We're going to boat. Okay. So you're taking Ash. And now I don't want to out Ash or you, but he does have a pastoral life in the summer. So he has room to ride a bike. He's ridden a bike.

26:03He's good. And by the way, Alexi, who is fearless, she comes from a different stock than I do. And so she bikes the kids to school every now and then in New York City. OK, well, there you go. If he can ride New York City. I'm just worried about other bikers. Is it that the standard level of a biker in New York is people are anticipating incompetence? Yes. And you need that. This is a very astute observation. Right. So your fear in Amsterdam is like, they're not going to anticipate any incompetence and he's going to ride right inside of them. Yes. Yeah. The other thing is, it might have changed.

26:36No one wears helmets in Amsterdam and there's no way I'm letting them not wear a helmet. So maybe actually a helmet will be a good indicator. Would you do this? Because I have done this before, which is when you're in a foreign land and they yell at you, do you fake that you know that language? Because if you're like, my bad, I feel like that is adding to the negative impression of Americans. So I'll always say sort of like, Oh, you. Yeah, like I'll fake. I'm a local who has run afoul. I have the opposite inclination. I just don't know what's going on. I don't belong here. I'm sorry. I'm a stranger in a strange land.

27:07Yeah, take it easy. Probably the better way. Yeah, because yours runs the risk of, A, he didn't understand me. B, that's an impersonation of us. Americans are always trying to do impressions of others. Wee, wee, wee. You're just saying wee, wee, wee. So entitled. It's changed. But when I lived in Amsterdam, you would literally go to like a cab stand. There was a line of cabs. And if you got out of like a nightclub at like three in the morning, you'd just be in the line with all these drunk people. And it was crazy. Sounds fun. Anytime you got in a fight, if you spoke English, then you already lost to the group.

27:36Everybody around took the side of the local. And I remember once getting in a taxi and then some drunk guy got in on the other side. So they had violated the line rule. My Dutch is terrible, but I just kept going, nay, nay, nay, which is no. I was like, nay, nay. And he was speaking to me in Dutch. and I just wouldn't come off like, nay, nay, nay. I can tell that guy's like, what? That's a weird take, but I must be in the wrong. I mean, I can't just chalk him up to being American because he's clearly Dutch. He's a horse. Yeah, he's one of us. He's a horse. Okay, so I was watching Dad Man Walking yesterday and I wanted to hash out some of these theories that I learned.

28:11First of all, it's a great stand-up special and the New York Times said it best. It's very fun to see you play a side of yourself that's not the talk show host. It's lovely. And it's true. It's also a real version. That's right. They're all true. Yes. But just before we launch into that, what did you discover about being a talk show host where you're like, oh, I've got to adjust. There's a different demand on me. There's different components of the show. I would say interviewing guests, you just learn the more you do it, how there's a million different kinds of guests. You try to, as quickly as possible, game out what they need from you.

28:47Some people just immediately start performing. They like look out and you just realize you're good. I'll give you a few things. Other people get really close and you realize, oh, they want to pretend like there's nobody here. And then the other thing I just allowed myself to do in that first chunk of the show where you're out there on your own is just kind of enjoy being the center of attention. When I started the show, because so much Weekend Update was sure joke jokes, but then you'd have somebody come out, one of your cast members, and you serve them. And I realized that's all well and good.

29:15But when you have your own show, you have to have your own show and you have to allow yourself to let your ego enjoy. This is your time. You have to embrace it. Don't think people want to tune in and watch somebody who's like not sure if they're the right person for the job. No, that's not comforting. It's like a surgeon. You need some narcissism. Have some conviction. You don't want a surgeon coming in being like, sorry, it's me. Yeah, I hope this goes well. I fucked everything else up this morning. I did go to med school. But I've been having one of those mornings. Like I couldn't even make my coffee.

29:43It's like all of us, right? Two coffee cup. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Let's take a minute to thank our presenting sponsor, Audible. With Audible, the leading audio entertainment app, it's easy to discover new stories and ideas while going about your day. Yeah, and with over a million audiobooks, Audible originals, and more, it's basically impossible to run out of things to listen to. Plus, there's just something about audio storytelling that hits a little different. Yeah, it really does. Especially audible originals that feature performances from celebrities and top voices.

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31:18it's the most fun part early on in the show i was still an snl brand where when it goes badly it just felt like it counted at snl because you don't have another show for a week or maybe sometimes two weeks or maybe sometimes the whole summer you just do these one day after the other and so when a monologue joke bombs i used to like live and die with it and now the most fun is literally telling the audience, like, I also know that bombed. FYI, you're not smarter than me. I'm ahead of you. I was dumb today, but I want you to know I also am assessing this with you. But in the stand-up routine you get to show, I guess we would probably just label maybe the pettier side of yourself that we all have.

31:53Yeah, I think it's petty. Being a parent is not like being a talk show host. Being a talk show host, you build the show towards the thing you're best at, whereas your kids are always growing on their own. Everything you figured out is no longer useful the next day virtually. A hundred percent. And so it's really nice to, one, just sort of embrace being petty about the way they behave. And also just so much of my standup is about a lack of competence and embracing that. For talk show hosts, you have to project competence. And then in standup, there's a competence to being a good standup, but it's fun to talk about the things I'm bad at.

32:22You definitely don't have that persona just as a person. You feel very put together. Yes. And it's nice to see some other sides. Yeah. And it's one of the sides. All right. So let's talk about swearing. because now I went the other route than you. I fully swear in front of my kids. They are allowed to swear, not with impunity, but when it's called for and they land it and it's in the house and not out at a restaurant, it's okay. I was looking for competence. And then also my defense of it is I just told the girls like, hey, these are noises that come out of your mouth and you assign what they mean to you.

32:58And so for someone as smart as you, I would love to hear the counter argument. First of all, I love that you think this plan came from me.

33:08The smart part of me was asking Alexi what our plan was. Sometimes the kids will curse and she'll look at me again like they learned it from me. And I'm like, we walk them to school in New York City. Yesterday, someone's on the phone saying, like, tell them to fuck around and find out. And then the kids are like, what does that mean? I'm like, well, for us, it's the fear that they're going to take it to school. Also, by the way, let's not underestimate girls and boys. Yes. I think with my daughter, 100%. You could probably trust her with it. Yeah. I'm going to tell you this word. Don't say it at school.

33:39The boys. They're going to say it immediately. But also, isn't it already at school? There's no way you're introducing. You just don't want them to say it in front of a teacher. Yes. I would venture to say most people are like you. Oh, for sure they are. You're more an exception. I will say it is jarring to hear it come out of a kid's mouth. There's something that's like, oh, my God, that doesn't seem right. And then you're like, I guess it's fine. The bummer is not the word. I talk a little bit about the standup. But when they also steal your delivery, because I will say I've got a bad habit.

34:12Alexi and I are having the most minor of disagreements. I'll say, like, Jesus Christ, as I, like, walk out of the room. And like the other day, for real, I just heard Ash be like, Jesus Christ. I'm like, all right, we got to talk about it. Yeah, Jesus Christ, they pick up earliest. It's so funny because I guess it's probably one we fall back on. And I don't even think I say it that much, but I think maybe when I had kids, I was like, this is the safe one. I know your kids learn it. Weirdly, I'd rather have them say fuck off. These guys just seem so world weary. I'm biblically upset. Years of it, too.

34:43It's more of a like, I can't deal with this anymore. When kids say not again, it is genuinely my favorite thing. My son once fell off his scooter and said not again. And it made me laugh so hard because it's like the life I've lived. If you can call this a life. My most memorable exchange with a human that I didn't know was not again. I was at a gas station in Rancho Cucamonga, driving home from Detroit. And I had a can of gas I kept in the trunk in case I ever ran out because I did. And I drove cars for a living. So I'm at a gas station and I'm using a fucking gas can to fill up a gallon of gas.

35:23It's not the safest setup. Car rolls in directly next to me on the other side of the gas pumps. And as he rolls on, there's smoke billowing out of the hood. He jumps out and he pops the hood. And when he pops the hood, it's flames like six feet tall. And he goes, fucking not again. Your car's already been engulfed in flames before. And also, did you not learn in that first time? Don't drive directly to the gas station and pop your hood. That's really good. Not again from a guy whose car's on fire at a gas station. We were just in Albuquerque and I borrowed my mother-in-law's car. You know, my mother-in-law.

36:01Yes. I really apologized to her that I'm going to tell the story. But I was like, hey, can I borrow your car? And she was like, yes. And I had to run an errand. And I'm driving on the highway in New Mexico and I'm stopped to get on an exit ramp. And a guy pulls up next to me and goes, hey, man, your gas door is open and the cap's off. And it was just like dangling. I'm like, God, I get the door open. Sure. Easy mistake. It's a real fuck you. What kind of rush were you in? Yeah, were you stoned? What was going on? Yeah, just like a dink, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. Okay, now's a great time to do at least five minutes on your father-in-law.

36:36Yes. So when I got to be with you for that couple weeks in Martha's Vineyard, which was such a lovely, lovely, lovely couple weeks, I had the pleasure of meeting your father-in-law and falling deeply in love with him. It happens. He's such a fucking stud, Tom. He's unbelievable. Is that good or bad to have a father-in-law that's that radical? What are the pros and cons? There's really no downside. There's not. I will say I bust on him all the time. And again, we were just in New Mexico. He can't drive for like three minutes without telling the kids about like the historical significance of a rock.

37:09Everything's a tour. Axel, the seven-year-old, we were there at Christmas and we were driving. I was in the backseat with Axel and Axel's got glasses and he's just sort of like staring out the window and he looks tired. and Tom said, you know, I got another story. And he just went, another one? And it was just so funny to have a seven-year-old be cognizant of it. But then, you know my brother-in-law totally as well. They took Ash and Axel and my niece Agnes and they took them for like seven hours, take them to the national park. And they come back and they are full of knowledge. Kids love getting history the way Tom is dealing it.

37:40He's tireless for a man of his age, except he takes like eight five-minute naps a day. Some of them while driving the kids. Hopefully not. But a terrible, unfair thing I do to him is because he will fall asleep anywhere, mouth open, including this last summer in a hot tub. Oh, sure. My dad pulled that. Every time I catch him, I take a picture and I send it to the girls, Ariel and Alexi, and I write, sorry for your loss. Because he sleeps like a dead person. He passes. He passes. I'm so sorry. For five minutes at a time. So sorry you're finding out. I got to paint a physical picture of him. He is rugged.

38:14He's handsome. He loves riding motorcycles. He's an adventure. Looks like a Don Johnson type. Don Johnson. He's down to three fingers, I think. He has one hand, three fingers from a paint gun accident because he's a home builder. He injected like a toxic paint and amazing that he did not lose the entire arm. This has not slowed him down at all. He is operating motorcycles and driving the bar. Almost again, in your face. Look what I'm still doing with this. He's a very impressive man. Totally self-made. Built his own home in college. learned how to build adobe houses by himself. Incredibly warm human being, friend to all, incapable of having a falling out with him because he will just will, you know.

38:58We hit along incredibly well. It's so funny to me that Alexi could not have married a more different person. And I'm almost like, did you know that your dad was still going to be so in your life? You were like, I might try to go out and get a different thing. Yeah, yeah, someone to fill in the gaps. Yeah, because both Tom and Toya, if I were capable of being emasculated by sort of handymen, I would be the most neutered. Right. They'll come to my apartment with just like a punch list and a tool belt. And get going. It's never even a curse to Alexi to ask what I would think about it. Well, the highlight of the whole trip for me was Toya put the car into a wall and it needed the tire changed.

39:36And people didn't know how to proceed. And I got really involved and changed this tire on the side of the road. And I felt like that just cemented Tom and I. You spend two weeks with my in-laws. There's going to be a crisis that Tolia brought about. I have a good Tolia story. Tolia is my brother-in-law, adopted from Russia when he was five, which again speaks to the kind of people my in-laws are. He told the story in the boat and I started crying. It's incredible. He learned Russian when he went to pick him up. It was like Siberia. It wasn't like easy to get to Russia. And they just picked randomly.

40:08They went to an agency in Albuquerque. And so they had a picture of the kid. They knew who it was. But it's crazy. And they already had two daughters. He had seen something on like 60 Minutes. Yeah. Just before that. They have video. It's the craziest thing. Because five as a kid. I did not comprehend what that means until you have your own kids. And when they're five, the amount of connection you have with them already. And Tolia just walked out of this orphanage in a parka because it was the middle of winter. And this woman ran the orphanage, just pats him on the back like three times. And then he's just off with Tom.

40:39And Tom learned how to say in Russia, Hi, Tolia, I'm your papa. Oh. It's really amazing. That's so sweet. I was like, you motherfucker. It's nuts. What a dude. And he is a dude. He is as special an uncle as Tom is his grandfather. What I get from them is really special. But what my kids get from them is irreplaceable. Yeah. It's a very cool thing. But Tolia is also super handsome and super jacked. Yeah, he's gorgeous. athletic, fearless. Walks around the entire summer with a shirt off. And generally no shoes, too. Generally no shoes. Yeah. He picked me up once at the Martha's Vineyard Airport and a little airport.

41:19He literally picked you up. He could also do that. Every year on his birthday, we take a picture of him holding all four of his nieces and nephews. Wow. Yeah, yeah. He's a specimen. So he picked me up and it's a tiny airport. You just pull up up front. I'm like getting my bags in the trunk and some people walk by. And I noticed that thing that, again, people are level of fame, sometimes can clock when we've been recognized. That's right. And so I see this woman lean over to this guy. But as they pass, I hear her say, that's the guy who never wears a shirt. Because he's famous on the island. The lore of Tolia is like island wide.

41:52And it's like, you know who we finally saw? Yeah, the shirtless guy. He is gorgeous. He's gorgeous. I got to see him cook pizza. And so he's just covered head to toe in flour. You know, no shirt. The way he's an uncle is transferable. to even those with whom he has no blood connection. Yes. He's got an uncle vibe. If he didn't have nieces and nephews, you'd still think like, this guy should be an uncle one day. Within five minutes, my kids were riding around in like a gator with him looking at an orchard or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's special. The whole thing is really satisfying. Yeah, it's a very exceptional group of people.

42:27What's the downside of that? Well. Let's just say that you're a very confident guy and it's working for you, but you can see where you'd get gobbled up in that. scenario, right? Well, yes. You can't penetrate the vibe they've established. You've joined their family. Yes. Whatever I brought is, like, not taking. They're not interested. They thought that they were already. Yeah, it hasn't been like, and then we'll breed, and then it'll be happening. You know, like, it's not, it's very much their world. But I've come to peace with it. And one might say my family could be better at talking about our feelings.

43:02Right. Whereas I think their family could be a little bit better at shutting the fuck up sometimes. For reserve. Some feelings go unstated. Yeah. But because they are always talking about any slight, it all passes quickly. With our family, I'm sure there's something like I did 15 years ago that my mom's still holding on to. There's slivers. Our family's like really tight, but our tightness, a lot of it has been, you know what, the bad stuff, let's just ignore it. Yes. I do remember one time, this is a few summers ago, but I made the mistake of saying, I don't know, it feels like sometimes the environment here is a little toxic And Alexis was like, what do you mean by toxic?

43:36Give me one example. And I was like, well, three times in the past week, someone has pulled out of the driveway so fast that gravel has hit the side of the house. Right, right. You live directly next door to your father-in-law. That's a recent development because we were basically living in their house. He like wakes up and just like comes over the hill and it's great. He's living my dream life, but it wouldn't be my dream life for a father-in-law. You know what? If you'd asked me before I had a father-in-law, does that sound like the dream? I would say no. But he's the one you want to. Yeah, he's pretty great.

44:06As we were getting a house next door to my in-laws, which, by the way, was predestined. As soon as I met Alexi, we both knew what we were getting from the other one's families. And I think it's really one of the things we most appreciated about the other one. It's like, OK, good. Family matters. I was saying I want to get one of those invisible fences for dogs. Get Tom and Joanne tagged. So you at least get a heads up. Just a little zap or just something. Yeah. Are you free to walk out in your backyard naked ever? Where you would never step outside nude. Even if I lived alone on an island, I might throw something around.

44:37Do your parents ever interact with them? They do. Not a lot, but they'll come and visit in the summer and spend time together. I think both of them appreciate how it worked out. Ultimately, what you could end up with for in-laws, none of them have any complaints. Oh, that's great. Okay, now this was another fun thing that I thought we could hash out a little bit, which is you don't do any yelling at home. I try not to. I'm not going to go on record. Right. You do minimal yelling. Try to. I do do minimal yelling. But of course, we didn't come from that. Yeah. And so what's fun for you or not fun is when your dad's around, they still get a taste of the yelling.

45:14It's so funny because even when I yell, it's not the way my dad yells. I yell every now and then, but not 10 out of 10 the way my dad yells. Yes. I yell like with the parking brake on. Whereas my dad. Let's go. Yeah. And a couple of summers ago, and it was my brother too. but the boys were on a rock and Ash pushed Axel off the rock. And it was big. And Axel hit the ground and immediately started crying. And I think it was like five, maybe four. So a little kid. By the way, when I watched it happen, I knew in advance what my dad's reaction would be. That's right. You probably even skipped all your thoughts about your kid and go straight to what's coming next.

45:53Immediately, I was like, however bad he's hurt, what's about to happen is worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was some version of like, don't you fucking push it, brother. Yes, yes. And immediately that was the headline. Yeah. You know, like all of a sudden, like B12 was like a little small article that was like son pushes other son. Nobody cared about that. Right. Because nobody had ever seen. And my brother, too, was like. The whole family system was. Yeah, but it was like looking out for Axel. And Ash was just shell shocked. And everybody was shell shocked. I remember later, Alexi was like, it's a lot to get yelled at like that.

46:23I'm like, I'm sorry. Who do you think you're talking to? Yeah. I lived with him. If anything, I'm living proof that you turn out fine. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The best part was Ash was like, also, I didn't even push him. He jumped. And I'm like, don't lie to me. And then I swear to God, like six months later, what came up and he goes, you know, I didn't even push him. He jumped. I'm like, he didn't jump. And Axel was like doing something else. He goes, no, I jumped. No. Oh, my God. So wait, wait. Do you think that the older brother infected the younger brother with the story? Or you think he jumped?

46:53Axel's like, oh, yeah, I jumped. I'm like, oh, fuck. Does your brother have kids? No. He's being a protective mom. He's a vegan. Everybody's being protected. He doesn't have kids. Yeah, that's why he's vegan. That really came out of nowhere. He can't have kids because they're meat. A very funny bit is how people imagining how they would ever deal with a family member transitioning to another gender and how he said he would take that 10 times over a family member who's vegan. Just like for the inconvenience. Every single meal. Is there butter in this? Is there butter in this? What's in this? That gets kind of complicated because I feel like when you don't have kids, but you're around a lot of kids and you care about the kids.

47:36Yeah. There's a fine line about what you can say and do. It's tricky. My brother and my parents probably both think we're not great at giving our kids consequences. That's their judgment of you. My projection is they think the kids kind of just like run roughshod. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Okay, now what about this, though, is an argument. So that stuff started happening for us, of course. There's different family members that do different things. And you hear later in bed, so-and-so told me this. And you're like, yeah, that's a weird story to have told. But I ended up coming to peace with it by going, yeah, what a blessing.

48:15Thank God they're around people that are doing things that they don't approve of so they can see that that's an option. I think it's a blessing when dad comes into town and screams at the kid. I do, too. Okay, good. I also just like when my kids see, I don't know if they're quite old enough yet, but like, oh, that was dad's dad. Yeah. I really relate to this. You try to keep a running list of like three grievances against your family at all time. Yeah. Mostly about my kids. Now, here's my question to you, because I am currently evaluating this. My kids are 10 and 12. we've reached an age where at least potentially someone's parent listens to the show, a classmate's parent listens to the show.

49:00And I think I'm very good at always saying what I tell about them and what I don't. And they seem very on board. But I heard Stern say he regrets talking about his daughters. They came to resent that. Are you playing that game in your head at all? I certainly am. When I go and do stand-up, I give myself the freedom to say whatever I want in front of one room of people. But when it comes to time to actually film it, I put a lot of thought into the fact that it's the permanent record. And what the kids are going to see and how it's going to affect them. The first special was called Lobby Baby, which is obviously about Axl being born in the lobby.

49:33That has been real positive because people will come up when I'm with the boys and they're like, which one's Lobby Baby? It's like a fun thing. For sure. At the same time, am I putting some level of celebrity on him? I know. But at the same time, it's like, this is who we are. This is the family business. That's right. There's some upsides. But the most important thing, which we're both doing, is like, I want to make sure they know I put a ton of thought into it and I'll obviously own whatever piece of it I got wrong. And Alexi is very helpful with that, too, because, you know, we talk about both what's allowed with kids and what's allowed with her.

50:04When I'm anticipating a positive outcome, the speech I have for them is like, I chose to let you know, all I do is think about you and all I do is talk about you. In my positive forecast, they'll understand, oh, all I did is think about you and talk about you. But that's likely not how that feels. Well, the thing I will genuinely be able to say is I had this show that was on TV. Every day was talking about the news. And sometimes when I talked about this news, it made me sad and it made me stressed out. Talking about you guys, I was never anything but happy. And I think that people, when they saw me talking about you, even when I was talking about how you drove me crazy, they knew I loved you because I would never have done it otherwise.

50:41I feel like I'm saying this to a person who's screaming at me. Only as I go into the future. That is the truth of it. I'm a stand-up that talks about my family. And it is because it's like, yeah, that's just what I want to talk about. That's all you got left. You could be talking about your work or your family. Yeah. I think there's incredible stand-ups who have this ability to process the world at large. I've never kind of had that skill and it wasn't until, if you talk about the idea of filming a special as does it feel special, it was only until I was talking about them that it felt special to me.

51:06Right. As opposed to like, here's my joke about climate change. I was never good at constructing that in a way that made it feel better or more special than anybody else's. Well, I wrote down one of your things you said about why you even do stand-up, which I can relate to greatly. You said, I do these specials to prove a thing that nobody has ever asked me to prove. That I can also do stand-up because I don't think people see me as one. I interview lots of people where they'll say they thought I couldn't do blank. And the more I've heard that story and I'm guilty of it myself, I do wonder, was there really a person that said that?

51:36And I think there's almost never a person that says this thing that we think we're motivated by. Well, you were rejected. You mentioned it. Yeah. The first three years of the meows. Those things shouldn't matter. They can make the trajectory of your life take a full right or left turn. It'd be so lovely if you're like, I want to do it because I love doing it, which is also the truth. Yeah. But it is so funny how many times where the amount you want to go happy now and everybody's like, who are you talking to? Yes. Or like, see? And they're like, I'm sorry, just real quick. Who is that too? Yes, that's the phenomena I've recently feel like I've stumbled upon is like, people really do think the shadow are real people.

52:11Is it just, do you think because we don't want to admit it's us, that our self-doubt, we don't want to think it comes from us? So we're like, you know who made me do it? Yeah, I think it's delusion. You're afraid people think that. And you're thinking about so much that you're afraid people think that, that all of a sudden they just think that. You cross some bridge. And now in your mind, that's what they all thought about me. but you never talked to anyone. You just assumed they thought that about you. It feels good to be good at things. That should just be enough. It's like, why do you do standup?

52:38It's like, I like getting better at it. And then it feels good to be good. As much as I hate people talking about the power of story, I also think it's incredible, the power of story. And I think you need to tell the story or the adversaries, this group of people who are doubting you. They don't even exist. But it's almost like you can't even think in a way other than that architecture. I think too, when I look at people I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by in an incredibly competitive environment, right? Like my years at SNL, I couldn't have been there at a better time, not just for talent, but the quality of the people.

53:05Yeah. So it is weird when you actually step back and you realize, oh, actually, I think everyone was rooting for me. Like it was the opposite of the story I was writing. It wasn't just that they were neutral. They were the wind at my back. And then it begs the question, like, can you still achieve things without this erroneous story you've bought into? Yeah. I mean, that would be the dream is that we don't need all that. I remember seeing Madonna's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I remember her speech. She was like, everybody thought I couldn't do it. And it's like, oh, my God. Literally, there's nothing anybody has thought you couldn't do.

53:38It's the Michael Jordan Hall of Fame thing. I guess that's the clearest. High school guy. Like what? You are still caring about that? Still something to prove? Are you wrestling with your relationship with time in that in two years, you'll have been doing late night as long as you are on Starting It Live. Does that seem impossible? relative to each other? Yeah. I'm pretty close to have worked in the building as long as I hadn't. You're at 25 years. I've spent more hours in that building than I spent in the house I grew up in. That is a real trip. I turned 50 and I didn't have any. Alexei was like, are you good?

54:15I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I feel like 51 was the trigger. I'm like, yeah, yeah. But at the same time, I think I'm very good at looking back and be like, this is past what I was aiming for. Do you ever use that number 25 to quiet the fear that you have? A, do you have the fear that this is going to end tomorrow still? The job or the life? Employment. Yeah, I do. I mean, only because it is such a time we're living in as far as the entertainment industry. But your whole 10 years have been in the precarious part of late night. Certainly. There is this weird thing that I feel like I shifted from fearing that I wouldn't be good enough.

54:51Yeah. And now my fear is weirdly more outside of my control, which is just at some point the ecosystem might not support it. It might be a post late night world. Yes. I guess that's better than thinking it's your fault. But it is weird to not feel any control over it. Yes. So there's probably some Buddhist philosophy that would tell me like, no, that's the good one. Yeah. You're not in the results business. You're in the show up and work business. You do the thing you can do. If there's a breakthrough over the 11 years of doing the show, just show up and do the work. That's the only part they're paying you to do.

55:19It's the only part you're good at. All the other problems, we have people that are as good at that as you are as a thing you do and don't mess around with it. I sometimes take stock of, oh, this isn't the best time to be doing what I'm doing, but at least I got in. And so I sometimes think the body of my work matters enough. The world knows Seth Meyers in a way that I'm happy with. I've taken my opportunity to build a thing. I know what it means. And I think other people know what it means. So I'm happy about that. Whatever time we're living in now, I've had lower points in the body of the show where early on in the show, So we had some NBC executives actually say to us, we're very worried about how the show is going to go.

55:54Oh, boy. In a great way with no real instruction as to how to get out of it. Just we're worried. We just wanted to plan. We're losing confidence in you. So do with that what you will. And I think part of getting through that, of course, is those are the things you need to realize that ultimately you're like, yeah, it'll come. And then you'll like apply yourself to it using all the stuff you've learned over the years. Does it help that you know if it ends tomorrow financially or fine? And safety wise, does that help or not really? Because you are so driven. I would worry about myself like mental health wise.

56:25But I put a lot of thought in the like diversifying my skill set. Certainly financially, I could have been fine just doing the show for the last 11 years. But then it was like, oh, you know what? I feel like there's something to like trying to build a stand up career and trying to do other things. Yeah, you have two podcasts. And it's more like. Try to find something that makes you as happy as late nights making you. It's not just to have busy work or anything. There's no one entity that can take everything away at once. And I think that's the scariest situation to be in. Right. And of those different domains, is there one that you are happiest in?

56:59I do still love late nights. There's a real family element. Yeah. Part of the wonderful thrill of stand-up is how it's a real solo effort. Yeah, at the same time, I have a showbiz job that feels like home. It's the most comfortable place. Like I have an office that I've been in for a long time. They just take such good care of me. Now, I was curious about this. Having had such a political point of view from the get go, how has that a of all, let's say, like first term for Trump now? Have there been any moments in charting that course that you were just fatigued with it and thought I actually have fatigued myself with it?

57:36I mean, I think election night, as it was pretty early where you could tell which way it was heading, there was a real existential dread of, oh, my God, I can't believe we have to do this again. I can't do it the same way because it will almost feel like if the fifth season of a TV show was just the first season. Right. It has to be a new take. We didn't have like some major meeting or anything. We just talked very briefly about we have to still find joy in doing this show and projecting joy, not sugarcoating what's happening. We're not going to say like it's not that bad, but our humanity is the ability to like find joy in each other and this community that we've built.

58:11It's almost luckier to be doing comedy right now than to like actually be doing the news where there's only one way to do it. We're going to like just shift our attitude into being honest, but also no one's going to take away our ability to be happy in the time we spend together. Yeah. Have you felt over the years that it's a bit of a dog whistle for people to come commiserate with you in a way that you're like, let's put it this way. I have my own political opinions. I find one of the most boring things in the world is to hear someone else's political opinions because there's only two. Yeah. But everyone's saying it as if they thought of it themselves and it's novel.

58:44No, OK, you just declared you're on that side. I get it. I would imagine people find you in restaurants and they want to bond over that with you. Yeah. Early on, people would say, like, do you really think you're changing anyone's mind? No. I would like to think that maybe if someone's like, should I vote or not? If they watch our show, they think, you know what? I am going to get out and cast a ballot. But I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone in America that doesn't know how they feel about Trump. I think that's true. Yeah. I don't think there's one left. I think that for us, we want to make a show that's both cathartic to do and cathartic to watch.

59:12Sal Gentile, who writes A Closer Look, he had this really good observation. He goes, you know, I think our show used to be a sane show written for sane people. And now it's a show by the formerly sane, written for the formerly sane. It's a place to go like, yeah, wow. You guys saw that, right? The other funny thing is when we started our show, whenever anybody said, you know, I get my news from you. I would always say, oh, you shouldn't get your news from me. You should get your news from the news. But you can come to us for a second source. And now I truly believe I'm like, yeah, just get your news from us.

59:42It's so gnarly. Like you might as well come to a place where there's some half-braked impressions and some like weird tangents. You'll hear the minimum amount you need to not feel left out of the popular conversation. And you don't have to intimate yourself. Again, if you're an actual person who's delivering the news, like you have to do with a level of gravitas. We're like, we'll give you the real news. No gravitas. Right. Might just be a little easier to go down. By the way, we're not going to lie about what's happening. We're not going to also tell you everything that's happening. But like everything we tell you is what we think is important and is very real.

1:00:11Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:00:23I feel a difference this time around with a lot of the left, myself included, where there's more laughing at it. Right. Well, I think there was a weird thing that we all had to process, which is the first time it was like, this isn't who we are. Yes. And now it's like, so guys. Guys, I guess. Guess who we are. It's early days. And who knows? But I'm still finding joy in doing the show, which I think was the part that I was so worried about. Where I was like, I don't know if I'd want to do it. Yeah. Another four years of reporting on it. Now, when you did Strike Force. Yeah. Which, for people who didn't listen to it, it was great.

1:00:59But it was all the talk show hosts. Yeah, the five of us. Jimmy, Jimmy, Colbert, you and John Oliver. Did you discover connective tissue of all of you? And then also, how are you guys dramatically different? What did you discover in that? This is a bizarre thing that came about when we grew up, you know, just imagining watching then that happened with Conan and Letterman and Leno. This is inconceivable. No, I think a podcast between Leno and Letterman would be real heavy slid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It obviously started from a place where, oh, we maybe have more respect for one another than at any other era.

1:01:34And I think that part of it is knowing how hard the job is. Also, it does feel like less who's the number one. The late night wars. Yeah, breathlessly reported on. Remember when we didn't start the fire? It always makes me laugh when I hear like Coca-Cola wars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when Billy Joel put that, I don't think he realized how quickly the Coca-Cola wars would be over. Yeah, we would forget. But there were real late night wars. And it was interesting. John and I, we were happy to sort of sit back. The other guys were doing the actual rebounding and boxing out. And we just like kind of stood by the three point line.

1:02:03Just like if we could ever get an open look. One of the many reasons to watch Colbert's show is there's a real paternal instinct with him. Whereas Jimmy as a human might be the closest to an actual host. He's like a life host. I don't think I would have had the boldness to sort of reach out and say, hey, should we all, you know, like, whereas Kim only reached out when all you had to do was say yes. He wasn't even hosting a potluck. He's like, we did the cooking. Do you want to put your name on? Yeah, right. Put your name on the host committee. And then for me, what was the most fun part about Fallon on the podcast is he's such a incredible sketch performer, which is an era that for a lot of people, you kind of forget how great an impressionist he was and how great he was in sketches and doing bits.

1:02:44He had this real jester energy. Just as a human, he is insanely talented. Mind bogglingly talented. Yeah, with the singing and the music and the instruments. I'll put episode five of Strikeforce 5 up against any podcast of all time. Episode five. We're all in charge of hosting episodes. Jimmy Fallon had the idea. It was the Strikeforce Wives episode where he wanted to do like a newlywed game where he reached out to our wives, got answers. Oh, cool. And then he hosted it so badly. The way he asked it, the way he framed it, everything was an immediate disaster. and it was the greatest because as opposed to getting frustrated he just leaned into what a shit show it was and it is maybe i mean john oliver and i talk about it all the time we were just crying laughing he would confidently read our wives answer and then i think the one that made us laugh the hardest he asked do you have any pet names so i guess i think babe and then the answer was Alexei had said Frisbee, which is our pet's name.

1:03:43The pet's name, yeah. And then it was like 10 minutes of like, but Jimmy, how did you ask? And him reading, he'd just been independently texting. He's five, it was the best. You know, he was this behind the scenes at SNL and he certainly is on the show. He's also a great audience. That's a lot of the job. Yeah, is just being audience and he's very good at it. And a lover, not a hater. Always been a lover of things. Yeah, it's a pretty sweet quality. All right, well, the only thing we didn't talk about was the Lonely Island with Seth Meyers podcast. I didn't realize those guys met each other in junior high.

1:04:15Isn't it crazy? I'm so envious of that. I know. They got to stay together. There's so much being written about, which I think is really true and a very serious, I don't know if it's an endemic or epidemic, but the lack of close male friendships. Oh, right. And I truly believe every man of a certain age should just start a podcast. Literally, maybe not even listeners. The fact that we're getting together once a week and it is a disaster to schedule. Oh, I can't imagine. No guests, but four hosts. Every one of us doing other stuff. Yes. Rageful texts. Two of us on the East Coast, two of us on the West Coast.

1:04:46The amount that we are showing up three hours apart from the start time because we're idiots. You got it wrong. Disaster. With that said, it's so lovely. I haven't hung out with those guys like this since SNL. Yeah, you have a scheduled hang. Yeah, and it's like an hour of a scheduled hang. And all we're doing is talking about one of the happiest times of our lives. Yeah. And it's the best. And those guys are one of the real inflection points of how comedy changed. You talk about how they arrived and you were going to show them the ropes. And then like January, they do Dick in the Box or one of them.

1:05:15Lazy Sunday. Yeah. Lazy Sunday. And then they're on the cover of a magazine. Yeah, the New York Times. Yeah. You guys want to run your sketches by me. I'll let you know if the font's wrong. I'll help you punch these things up. I do want to, you know, you're still embarrassing yourself with formats. I know you're big hit, but your formatting is embarrassing. Now, let me ask you this. When you were at that 50 year anniversary, are you able to integrate your involvement there? Or is there some part of you that still feels like that's not real? The thing that helped was just you looked around, you realized everybody there is still outside of, say, Steve Martin.

1:05:49But like, you're like, where do I fit here? There's something about the comfort in that everybody feels the same way about it. Which is kind of unimaginable because everyone's presenting as Apex Confidence. That's the game. But also there are some people like you. It's so obvious that you're a central part of that Tina. You know, there are people that are just synonymous with SNL. So the fact that you guys feel it. I know. I went into it the most prepared I've ever been to like feel my feelings. Yeah. And they still were just dragging me up and down. The little anxiety bombs going off. And I was like, oh, I thought I was going to not trip that wire.

1:06:22And you just couldn't help it. I can imagine myself being you and being there and literally going, oh, 13 years. I mean, I was actually here for a quarter of it. So like I am a really significant. I can imagine myself like trying to bolster. I do belong here. I will say it as long as people want to hear it. Colin Jost was incredible that week. Wrote amazing sketches. And then also did this thing, which is the easiest thing to forget you should do at SNL, which is he was taking care of people. Because this show, that's also your job as a writer. But if somebody has a bad week, we'll pick it up next week.

1:06:51The 50th, you're not like, we'll get you in the 60th. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this was really important. He took it so seriously. there was a world where you don't need to see me at the 50 you can see me in the audience that's enough but I was like oh my god I wanted to see Seth do X like I did update and right now they got two guys who are great at update they were the guys to host it and Jost was like you want to do like a feature I was like buddy I would love to be behind that desk and then he's like yeah because I was thinking maybe Fred and Vanessa and so I got to do that thing with Fred and Vanessa and it was all I could want being out there Jost on one side of me those two on the other crushing.

1:07:23And again, all I'm doing is service. You just get to be in the wide shot with the people you most love and respect. And I just remember at one point just like reaching over, tapping Joe's knee and being like, this meant a lot. Yeah. Nobody would have said the next day, you know, it was weird that we didn't see, but I was like, oh, what a gift. Well, we don't know that, but yeah, that's what I would have assumed. It was nice because that's the thing that I feel like you so rarely feel at that place. You get a lot out of it, but mostly because of the stuff you put into it. And it was like, oh my God, I feel like I've just been given a gift and I'm going to accept it and feel the gratitude and love from this act.

1:07:55I don't feel like I ever felt that. And so that was the most special thing. Oh, wow. That's really good. Because I can imagine in so many ways you're part of the early Boston Celtics. You know, you're a part of something that's incredible, but I also think it'd be very easy to be a part of something incredible and not ever feel like you were. Very much so. You're like, you know what? I was an important part of this. And then you look at Eddie Murphy and you're like, no, there is this time where you really are like men among gods. You know what? I was a really good man, but also, you know, keep quoting my friend, Neil Brennan, who called me afterwards and he said, everybody who ever worked on that show has so much charisma.

1:08:30And then Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell walk out and you all look like bus passengers. And it's true. He just realized like, oh yeah. Those are the two. Phil Murray though. Yeah. No, again. Was he there? He was there. That's why you can't do that. I know. And by the way, it was a really special thing. I feel my place in it very firmly. There were all those documentaries about it came out. There was one about the writing staff and my dad watched them all. He was really sweet. He called me up and he goes, you know, I'm watching those documentaries. And all I could think is, that's so great that you got to do that.

1:09:00Now, obviously he was so excited when I got on SNL. When I heard that, it was like, oh yeah, it's really great that I got to do that. For sure. And he's experiencing it real time with you with the same anxiety you're experiencing. If your kid is the head writer, you're scared for them and you hope their show goes well and to see it all worked out. But you've had two lives of that. Whenever this chapter ends, 10 years after that, there's going to be like, I can't believe you got to do that. How insane. That is the weird thing about, I don't think I fully comprehend that I've been doing a talk show for 11 years.

1:09:28Right. Like you're already in a group of, I'm going to just guess out loud as maybe seven that have had a late night talk show for a decade. Less than 10 people ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I have allowed myself to feel that way about us. and else. So I look forward to allowing myself to feel that way about this. It's hard to reflect in real time. Yeah. Maybe you guys will do Strike Force again when you're all 80 and then you'll have the moment. Yeah. And your dad at 113 will say, listen to that episode. Podcasts will be like vinyl. Like, you know, like your kids will be like, what are you doing?

1:09:59You got to put on the album of this episode. Well, Seth, you're always a delight. I respect you so much. I love being on your show. You're wonderful in all the ways. And then we had that most romantic. We'd love to do it again. Can I just tell you how special it has been on my third time to do it properly in person with you guys? I know. On a home court. Generally, these things go downhill. But this was, I feel like, arrow up. I agree. We've done three different locations. Three different, yeah. UK did an away game with me in my conference room. And then we Zoomed. And then this is the real deal.

1:10:30But funny enough, that was my bag, my bag, my bag, which we just told the other day. We were going from interviewing, I think, Amy Schumer to your office. And we had all these equipment bags. And I kept letting mine roll downhill. And I'd run screaming, my bag, my bag, to see if anyone would catch it. Making Monica super nervous and making her laugh really hard, which is like my dream. And that's in New York. And nobody ever did anything. Not at all. And I'm screaming, my bag, man. I'm running. Help, my bag. And everyone's like, fuck him and his bag. I hope both of them get hit by a taxi cab. I was trying this joke about this time I was in New York where it was like how nobody in New York thinks where you're going is more important than where they're going.

1:11:08Somebody's running down the street and their briefcase opened up and like 500 pieces of paper went flying everywhere. And not one New Yorker stopped, but every single person pointed at one piece of paper. Like that was the way they were helpful. There's one. Also been a New Yorker now longer than you've been anything else. And having kids who are New Yorkers is a trip. That's got to be a trip. Born and raised. Yeah, yeah. How cool. It's a trip. They're going to be savvy. They're going to be savvy. All right. Well, Seth, I enjoy you. I hope everyone watches Dad Man Walking, watches Late Night with Seth Meyers, listens to The Longley Island with Seth Meyers, and listens to The Family Vacation.

1:11:41Good luck with your son on the bike. Thank you, guys. Yes. I really loved being here with you. Only report it if it goes well. Yeah. I'll come back. I don't want to hear about a broken bone. Yeah, exactly. All right. Be well. He is an armchair expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's gotta let them have the facts So we're still in Nashville Yeah, and we had beautiful thunderstorms out There have been thunderstorms Do you like it? I know you don't do well with rain in LA But like we woke up today and it was dork out Yeah I love that I I don't You don't I mean, I love the sound of thunder And I like the look of lightning I don't like rain still Okay And I don't like clouds.

1:12:31I still have sad in the South. Still don't like clouds. Yeah, I still have seasonal affective disorder. Yeah. And. Even in the Southern version. The original version. Yeah. And when, you know, when I did, I was like waking up and it was thundering and it was cloudy. And I was like, I just want to keep sleeping now. That's a nice feeling though, isn't it? But I had to get up and then I was resentful at the world. Yeah. Yeah. And probably me. I was really resentful at you. That makes sense. Yeah. But one thing, we're still in Nashville and I become not obsessed, but really stringent and devoted to not getting any, to not getting a tick.

1:13:15Okay. This is great. You could drop you and I anywhere and all the same stuff will just line up immediately. It's really funny. It's really funny. Like I'm hearing everyone talk about tics and I'm like, who fucking cares? What do you think about it? We have to care. Lyme's disease. But caring about it or worrying about it is going to have no impact on whether or not you get it. Well, no, because you remove them. Well, sure. But you don't need to think about them. Well, I have to think about them because I have to know, I have to think about them to do checks on my body and then remove them. Okay.

1:13:44So it's taking up some percentage of my brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. Kristen too, she's found out that a certain tree is home to the tics. Really? And now she wants to remove all, well, she hasn't gone that far, but it sounds like maybe she wants to remove all the trees. I shouldn't say that. I don't know that that's what she wants to do. She's very concerned about having these trees on the property that are homes to ticks. Yeah, I guess cedars. I think that's what we learned. Wait, really? Yeah, they create their little, and the landscaper was saying that sometimes you're, you know, weed whipping or whatever, and the whole pot will fall down.

1:14:18And then you can get like 30, 40 ticks. This is a nightmare. I'm with her. I think we got to remove these. Don't do any landscaping while you're here. How about that? I know you had planned on it. I know you were really looking forward to. I was my whole, I was. To weed whip. Yeah. What were you looking most forward to? The leaf blowing, the weed whipping, or the mowing? It was the mowing. You would never weed whip with your anxiety level about danger. No, I can't. Because you have an open, do you know how weed whipper works? Yeah, it's like a. It's spinning. It's very open. You're not protected.

1:14:46It's not safe. Yeah. Okay. So I'm with her. I think the trees should then go. Okay. Um, and there's been three ticks on bodies. Well, go on. My understanding of it is that one is, um, debated. Yeah. One's debated, but like Eric's, he put it on chat. He, he put it in a bag cause chat said, put it in a bag. Okay. And then to show the doctor or something, if you have Lyme, if you end up getting Lyme's disease or something. Okay. And Molly, who knew about ticks because she found some in dog, some of her dogs. Yeah. She got close and she looked at it and she was like, it is. And Chad said it was. And both of your daughters have had a tick removed.

1:15:33Lincoln too? Yep. Oh, I don't know about that one. And so anyway, it's on my mind. Okay. And it's kind of on my mind in a way that we've interviewed two guests here. And I really want to ask them about ticks. It's kind of like you, the show on Netflix. It's kind of like the show on Netflix, You. It's kind of like You, a show on Netflix, where I kind of want to bring it up a lot and ask about their tics and like, have they had any? It's replaced the pit a little bit. The pit went to you that went to tics. But I, which makes sense because in L.A., I'm about the industry. Yeah. And in Nashville, I'm about nature.

1:16:13Nature, yeah. and anyway if you have any tick stories feel free to further to comment exacerbate your panic well I'm not going to read them I don't read comments but you will and then you hope maybe I'll get anxious yeah could do an armchair anonymous prompt on ticks there's so many things that I just immediately but again this is just how our brains work which I think is endlessly fascinating about you and I I was like I heard okay so I heard no no don't quote me and don't take any medical advice for me, but that only one in 10 of the ticks have, they bit a deer or whatever, they have limes. And then of those, they have to be on your skin for 36 hours.

1:16:54There's all these variables that once you get into it, you're in below single digit percentage. I don't, I, I don't worry about stuff that's like, it's gotta be like probably 10 % where I start worrying about it. Yeah. It's, That is who you are. And I do think it's... Reckless? Yeah, because you need to look at your body for ticks. Like, you do. You live here now for a couple months. You're worried I'm not looking. And you aren't. You told me yesterday you haven't looked once. I haven't done any looking. But then I heard you can feel them. And I do feel my body. You don't feel them. I feel myself up all the time.

1:17:27No, you don't feel them according to the people who've had them. I wonder if the listener can hear them. I'm sure they can. It's sundering. It was just sunny at night. Whee!

1:17:41What? There's apple sauce of a horse. Oh, my God. We just watched it yesterday, so I thought maybe I'd make you laugh. I didn't. That really came out of nowhere. I didn't know if you were being thunder. Or having bad thunder. Or palsy or something. Yeah, seizure. You know, I'm sensitive to that. Actually, I thought we heard an Armchair Anonymous story, and that was wild yesterday. And then this morning, I thought maybe that person was having a seizure. Oh, during the talking in tongues? Yeah. I don't think so. She was writhing. Oh, but I think she was like, I think she was making love to the devil at that point.

1:18:18The devil's trying to make love to her. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, I guess. I guess. I guess. Anyway, we went to dinner last night. We took the boat to dinner, which was lovely. Yeah, where are you? How much do you like it? Because for me, as I've already told you, the notion that like. So fun. You take this thing where normally you're going to go out to dinner and if it's a half hour away, you know, you just wish you could materialize in the restaurant. Teleport. We know that's my superhero power of choice or whatever you call it. Yes. Chosen superpower. Sure. That's pretty much the same thing I said.

1:18:55But the notion that the best part of dinner might be traveling to and from dinner, I just think is so magical. Mm-hmm. And. I do love that. You do? Yeah. You're not bored. Are you a little bored? No. Yeah. I'm not bored. And then the dinner was really good. We went to, we went to. Sam's. We went to Sam's. Dockside. There's nothing funner than docking your boat and going. I agree. It's such a vibe. It's, that was, that's so fun. And we did that in Austin when we went. And it was so fun. And it was so fun. And this was very much that. Yeah. But. You can hear that one. Yeah.

1:19:36It was a dark and scary night. Everyone was gathered around the campfire. I'm waiting for you to get it all out. I didn't get any signals that you wanted me to continue, so I've stopped. That normally does not stop you. Okay, two things. One, Rob brought me a really delicious drink I want to shout out. It's a cold brew in a honey bear. Oh, yeah. Nothing could be cuter than this. Yeah. I'm shocked that the honey, is there not a copyright infringement with the honey company or is it co-branded? Oh, don't get this place in trouble. I shouldn't be bringing any of this up. But that's interesting. Like it is the virtually the honey.

1:20:15But it's probably just different enough. Like this one has eyelashes. There you go. So cute. They have one with sunglasses too. Oh, cute. Raisin, um, California raisins. Uh, Bader Meinhof. Nope, Mandela facts. Yeah. But she has big eyelashes, and so she's definitely wearing mascara. She's kind of flat-chested. Not that that's bad, but she's definitely a carpenter's dream. Flat as a board and easy to nail. And she doesn't have really a butt. But that's okay. Did you have any of those sames in your elementary school or junior high? Carpenter's dream is you brought that to my knowledge. I've never heard that.

1:20:55How about pirate's dream? No. Okay. None of the dream. Were there any small boob mean jokes? So here I have to own my privilege. Potentially, they just never made their way to me. That was my hunch is that like, because it wasn't a fear of yours, you didn't even hear it. No one was aiming those towards me. Right. If anything, they were like, you fat brownie. Oh, wow. But that also, like a fat brownie sounds good. Anyone would say yes to a fat brownie. I do. I would love a fat brownie right now. I got boobs early. I got them pretty much, we're looking at sixth, seventh grade. Not as big as they are now, but substantial.

1:21:37And were you self-conscious about that or you could hide it? Or did you like it? I think I was sort of unaware. I remember wearing a bathing suit once and my friend commented on them. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wasn't paying much attention. Yeah. People were wearing. I had that with my penis, which is like, I didn't know. What? This is real. I'm just scared. No, you don't know if your penis is big or small until you show it to other boys and they show you their penis. How on earth would you know? I have a weird question about penises. Okay. At what point did they stop growing?

1:22:15Hopefully never. No, but for real. I think mine's been the same size since certainly high school. Okay. So it is, it's like puberty. It's similar to boobs. Mm-hmm. So there is a period of time where you're like, this thing might get bigger. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. But, okay, back to that. So your friend said that, and then you were, were you like, oh, that's cool. Girls want boobs at this age. Did it feel like a compliment? I think I took it as not a compliment, but just like, oh, okay. Because people were wearing like padded bras. Right. Everyone wants boobs at that age. So they did want boobs.

1:22:55So I guess I felt fine. I must, I must, I must increase my bus. That's one that you also introduced me that I hadn't heard. That is from Grease, I think. It's in a popular movie. Oh, okay. Well, I don't like Grease, the movie. Yeah, that's another one here. You don't like dogs. Let me think of the things that anger people. Okay, so the bear was one thing. Oh, one very fun thing. Two nights ago, we went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Yeah, yeah. That was great. Yeah. And as soon as we pulled in the parking lot, I got excited because I remembered that I was going to, I knew this is the type of place that has white cheese dip, not queso.

1:23:35This is whatever. As soon as we put it, I said, oh, my God, they're going to have cheese dip here. And, but, you know, Molly and Chris were like, queso? And I was like, it's not queso. Don't be confused. It's not. It's much thinner. It's much whiter. It's very thin. It's completely white. It's white. Yeah, of course. It's very thin. You can really, I think, only get it in the South. It's thinner than ketchup. Like, I was calling it cheese milk. Yeah, you were. Yeah, cheese water or something. Yeah, cheese milk. It's so good. It's of my childhood. It's almost impossible to keep it on your chip, though, because, again, it's almost water.

1:24:11When I first moved to L.A., I told you this. Anthony and I moved at the same time, and we were on a real hunt in L.A. for cheese dip because there's so many Mexican restaurants in L.A. And you didn't have really the internet in its current state to search that out. You can't get this in Los Angeles. It doesn't exist. It's too authentic. L.A. is too authentic to Mexican food. Well, that is what's really funny about being here is that I left Michigan where we didn't have a lot of Mexican folks. We didn't have a lot of Asian folks. So the food you were getting. Oh, boy. um but i miss not the authentic version i love the authentic version in la but also like i drove by a chinese restaurant and i'm like that chinese restaurant is just like the one in michigan which is like everything's deep fried it's you know it's it's classic i mean there were chinese people that were operating it but um and then same with the mexican when we walked in there eric i said to eric what do you think this is going to be out of 10 and we started guessing And I said, but let's be clear.

1:25:16What is a 10 in this situation? For me, a 10 in this situation is like it's a Michigan Mexican restaurant where there's way too much cheese on the nachos. And it was everything I wanted it to be. Yeah, it was great. Yeah. And I have a big spot in my heart for that. Yes. Yes. It is Tex-Mex. That's what it is. And you can't get it in California. You get real Mexican food, which is unbelievable. It's the best Mexican food in the country. but I was thrilled to have that white cheese dip and they poured it on everything. They put it on my burrito. They poured it on the nacho. It was everywhere. But you're good about this.

1:25:57I have space for mozza pizzeria, which is very expensive and very high end. And the crust is incredible. Oh yeah. And equally as much. I like a Domino's. Yes. I love that. So that's the point I'm making with these Mexican and Chinese restaurants. Sure. But they're different, right? I love Domino's. They're not like importing cheese from Italy or whatever. Correct, or burrata. Exactly. It's a different thing. And I think if an alien came to visit. Yeah. When would they like more? Well, not what would they like. What would I show them? I would probably I'm teaching them about the world you know so I think I I think you should give them dominoes no I don't think so I mean I would maybe because they need to learn about fast food here's what America likes this has been the most consumed pizza product and I want to tell you about us well this is what we all eat it feels right if I'm teaching about America if an alien comes down and they're like how do you guys get around and I go cars.

1:27:08And they're like, let me experience one. I'm not taking them for a ride in a Bugatti. I'm taking them for a ride in a Toyota Corolla because that's what 99%, you know what I'm saying? Sure, sure. I wouldn't want them to think that like a car is a Bugatti. That's a very rare version of a car. Yeah, that's true. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:27:40The strength of this rain right now. It's really strong. Gallons per minute. I wonder if it's going to let up. I just am curious about my day. You know, like are we an indoor? It seems like it might be an indoor day. Oh, okay. So let's add. So we went to this fun dinner. We took a boat ride back. That was great. Yeah. And then we made s'mores. Yes. I love s'mores so much. It was so fun. Should we tell people what happened? Yep. Sure. I mean. I think it's just good for people to know. You've got to really be interested in us, but let's hope. We'll find out. But yes, I had had a whole journey with s'mores last week, and I thought I was doing you a solid.

1:28:24You were. And I fucked up. We learned that I fucked up. You didn't fuck up. Yeah, I learned. I would do it differently going forward. Okay. Which is, someone I think might already mention this. s'mores. They're so good. We tried them. But when I tried them, I first had regs. I had a Hershey's square of chocolate, had that s'mores. I was like, oh, there's no way Reese's is better. This is as good as it gets. Had the Reese's. I was like, oh my God, that's better. Then I wanted a third. And I was like, let's do both. So then I did Hershey's and Reese's. Ate that. Now last night, we're deciding which one you're going to make.

1:29:03And it boiled down to, I said, well, how many are you going to eat? Yeah. And we were worried that I might only have one. And then I said, well, then I think you should go to Reese's and Hershey's because that's, and then you had it. And it was delicious. And I, I made one. Yep. I think that was really important. Had I not made one myself, I would have just thought we have different taste buds, but I started with the double decker and I was like, it's not as good as either one individual, Even though you had declared it was the superior product. And what we figured out is like, if you're going to have three, that is the right thing.

1:29:37Because you have to top each one. Yeah. But to start with the top was not the right move. Isn't that life? So you were like, yeah. And then you ended up making. I didn't say yeah. I said, this is amazing. But I will say. You're being very delicate about my feelings. I still don't think I have your real reaction. No, it is. It was. What's going to be bad? Yeah, it can't be bad. It was delicious. but I was like I prefer classic and I was going to make another one with classic because I needed that they needed that and I ended up not you didn't make a second one no okay but that's fine because we'll do it again yeah and then I will I will do the correct ranking okay order the correct order but that's fun for people to learn this is a cautionary tale If you're going to eat three, go Reg's, go Reese's, then go combined.

1:30:36Reg's, Reese's. Double R. Double R. If you're only having one, take your pick. You could either do Reese's or Hershey's. I would never, never. Ever. Just do Reese's. So I'm going to do classic and then I'm going to do double decker. I'm not a, I'm not a, I, ew. You don't like Reese's peanut butter? I do, but I don't love them. Okay, that's fair. I love them and I don't eat them because it's peanut butter and peanut butter agitates my arthritis. Oh, that's right. But I've been doing a lot of things that agitate my arthritis because I'm in another geography and maybe that, yeah. Maybe that's going to change everything.

1:31:17It does work. I don't know how to explain this scientifically, but like the level of caffeine I can drink at home versus here is different. I can drink Diet Coke because in my mind I'm on vacation. I can drink Diet Coke, a ton of them at dinner, and I can still go to sleep really easily, which makes me think a lot of this is all mental. It's hard to know what's real or not. It is hard to know. Or the power that your brain has over your body. Oh, it's everything. Do you want a honey bear answer? Yeah, a honey bear answer. The animal is not copyrighted by anyone, and it's a different enough feel that they haven't run into any issues with.

1:31:57Different enough. And it's not, the bottle's not copyrighted, copyrighted, copyrighted. And LG is local enough, I think still, that they're not scaling at a level that it's an issue yet. Okay. They're going, they're flying under the radar a little bit. Okay. So we just. What was the big debate we had yesterday? There was a fun debate. At dinner? Was it at dinner? We had a conversation about murder. Like, could you get away with it? Yeah. And you. Yeah, we did. We had a conversation. Yeah. And I think you can very easily. Yeah. As long as it's completely random. I think it's harder than you think.

1:32:35Okay. I'll never find out. Just let everyone know. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. I think DNA makes things complicated, but you were saying your DNA has to be in a database. Well, a law enforcement database, not like 23andMe. They have to already have it. It's like your fingerprints. if you've never given your fingerprints at the police station or to TSA or to, well, if they get a fingerprint, well, who cares? It's not on record anywhere. But we have, like, we've given our fingerprints to TSA. Yeah, we're fucked on the fingerprints. I will have to wear gloves when I murder this. Okay, see, yeah.

1:33:10Gloves that you, putting on gloves.

1:33:21I love when you hear your say. I can tell when you hear yourself. I do it too. I say something really loud and I go, oh my God, what am I about to say? Putting on gloves with no DNA feels actually sort of like an impossible task because you, you have to hold the glove. To get the glove on, you have to use a hand that has your fingerprints on it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Riddle me that. I'm going to pull this glove like this. And then somehow that thumbprint is still alive enough on there that when I touch something now, that thumbprint's going to transfer. Yeah. I don't think so. DNA is sensitive.

1:34:02It's strong. Two different things, fingerprints and DNA. But again. Yeah, but you go like this with your glove. And what I did for the listener is I itched my nose. Right. Yeah. You itched your nose. You rubbed your nose. I probably got some snot on there. You definitely did. Will they find that on the person you murdered? That's a big question mark. Back to ticks. One in 10. I think. Here's, here's, here was my argument. Okay. You're in a town. There's a body. The investigation begins. Very sad. That's terrible. Yeah. No one should ever be murdered unless they're a murderer. And that, yeah, that's tricky.

1:34:35But they find a dead body, the police. Okay. They go, okay, first thing we do is we talk to any loved ones because that's 90 % of the time it's going to be them. They do that. But it's random. It was me. So no one has anything to say. Then we go to coworkers. Then we extend out. And by the time they've gone through every person in this dead person's life that could have been responsible, months have gone by. And then they have to open up the idea that this was a total stranger and random and unmotivated and all these things. And then where do we start? You know, what evidence do we get? Who's in a database?

1:35:13And I just think at that point, it's quite hard. All right. Now, I wish I didn't know this. Okay. But I do know someone who was murdered. Yeah. It was by a complete stranger. Right. Yeah, maybe the car. Okay, maybe there was probably more to that story, but it was a stranger. And they caught the people? They did. Yeah, good. Thank God. Yeah. So maybe just because there was more to that story. And they probably lived in town? Not in town, but. Local. I think. I don't actually know all the details. Okay. But if I flew to Tucson today and then I just at three in the morning on a desolate road, no one's around, I committed murder.

1:36:04Okay. What are they going on, Monica? But somebody might. See, I think you're. Desolate road, I said. But somebody might be there like in a tent. You don't know who's around. guy. He looked like Zach Braff. Yeah, they know immediately who it is because they know Zach Braff didn't do it. But again, this is like tall white guy in a fucking Toyota Corolla. Good luck. But that's what happened to the friend. That's what happened to my friend's husband. Yeah, but it was that. It's like this type of car, this type of person, and they found him. Again, in that situation, you're in a county and you have the registry and you start going through everyone that drives a Ford Explorer in the county.

1:36:51I'm just like, I fly to a different state. Anyways, you don't accept it, but you still think I'll get caught. I think you'll get caught. And I don't want to do it just to prove to you. I mean, I kind of want to just to prove I'm right. That's how much it's important to me to prove I'm right. Would you rather be happy or right? I'd rather be right. And I'd rather go to jail to prove I'm right. And you'd rather take a life. I'd rather take some innocent Well, I hope you'd take mine then, because although that defeats the purpose. Yeah, because you've got to live to observe. Because you are the. I would be the first.

1:37:21Literally, I'd be the first. I would be the first. Yeah. And then Jazz. It'd be Jess and I. I'd be the top suspect. Here's who they'd ask. Dax immediately. Well, they'd go like, is there any friction between you guys? Do you have any fights or anything? I mean, Jesus, which last week or are you saying the whole 10 years? I've got 900 recorded. they listen to the podcast they know immediately they find clips of me going like i'm gonna kill you i wish i wish you were dead yeah jokes i've made it probably wouldn't be hard to exactly do a circumstantial your first okay yeah unfortunately they're gonna ask kristin because like maybe she did your dirty work okay you think it's like a husband and wife killing okay um and then they will have to ask jess um because he's so tall i don't like how I don't know if you phrased that.

1:38:11Like, they should talk to you, but they're going to have to talk to Jess. Well, Jess isn't going to kill me. Nor am I. You want to kill to prove. To prove a point. And he doesn't. But I don't want to kill you. I just have to prove a point. Listen, Jess is totally fine with being. A suspect. With not proving a point. Yeah, that's one of his great qualities. Yeah. So, like, they have to ask him, but he didn't do it. And they got to ask Rob. Rob has a motivation. He's big time. Yeah, you have a, Rob has a huge motivation. He might have the biggest. And then Natalie, because again, dirty work. Yeah.

1:38:50Partners in crime. Bonnie and Clydes. Yes. I'm actually at high risk. I would say so, yeah. Now, if you were murdered, they'd ask me. But I don't think I'm top suspect. But that's misogyny. It might be. They don't think you're capable. oh really well they're like she's so tiny she didn't kill him let's find a bigger person fuck but also i and i'm on record saying i think i would get caught oh maybe i'm laying some good groundwork i think i would get caught so i just never would do it i said i would get caught never do it yeah that's really gonna hold up there's a long list of people you have a long one yeah I'm going to go through everyone I've been in a fight with.

1:39:35Everyone, I mean. Yeah. Also, just people who are jealous. Hate me. That you're married to Kristen. That's a long list. There's also like people. Husbands of Arm Cherries who are sick of hearing about. Oh, my God. We have a lot. They would never get through it all. Putin, you've spoken poorly about. I'm not going to say publicly, you're going to hate this, but you could probably get away with killing me. Don't say that. And you're not going to get away with it because I'm going to be on the case. and I'm very diligent. I'm like Jagers in Zodiac, the movie. He could not let it go. No, he got obsessed.

1:40:12Yeah. He was in too deep. He ruined his family over it and his whole house was covered in stacks of paper. That's going to be me. I love that trope in movies where the detective gets in too deep. Me too. And their family falls apart. They lose their family. Their apartment's always stacked with so many papers. Too much evidence. And it's weird they're allowed to keep it in their apartment, not at the station. but that's okay. I think they make copies, but it's like really bad for the environment. Yeah. Anyway. Anyhow. Facts? Yeah. Facts for Seth. Is Rainbow Bright a live action show as well? No.

1:40:51Okay. Okay. There are dolls that look kind of real. Okay. But no, it was a cartoon. And I guess it says they might be remaking it, with Crayola. Oh, a collab between Rainbow Bride and Crayola. But a theatrical movie. Oh, that would be great. And a new TV show. And, well, none of it's been greenlit, but they have both a show and a movie. Yeah, with Crayola and Hallmark. Oh, that could be great. And Hallmark. Yeah. Wait, there's a lot of cooks in this kitchen. Oh, wow. The theatrical movie is in the works from Fast and the Furious and Sonic the Hedgehog producers. Oh, Orin Aviv? No, Neil H. Neil Moritz.

1:41:35Neil Moritz. Moritz. Yeah. Neil Moritz is a beast. Oh. He's got multiple billion dollar movies. I was having a meeting at his office one time. The only meeting I've ever had with Neil Moritz. Uh-huh. And he lives. His office is directly across from the Veterans Center on the west side. Uh-huh. You know, right by the 405. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't know this, but when the president's in town, that's where Marine One lands. and so we're like in a meeting corner office glass and all of a sudden we hear and dude fucking Marine One was like turning to land and was 30 feet from his window which one Obama it had to have been Obama that's when my meeting with him was wow could have been George W.

1:42:23Bush but I think it was Obama wow yeah it's pretty gangster to land in Marine One anywhere you want. That is cool. Do you think the president gets a little like fucking swag? Like when they step out of Marine One and they get into the Beast, that armored car, and they're in the motorcade, they must go like, yeah. I'm the president. I'm the baddest motherfucker. Of course. It must feel like that, right? I hope they do. Yes, me too. Yeah. Although it probably just becomes again, like it all just - You get used to it. Yeah. But I hope there's a little jolt the first 20, 20, 30 times. but maybe it's like when I pull into Warner Brothers and I hear or Universal and Brad Pitt too so maybe it doesn't go away oh Brad Pitt what a dreamy man I think he'll come back for his next project that was one and done I want him to though I mean the movie did so well I think it's all because of us it's probably our fault yeah it's our fault it's credit okay now who played Meadows Soprano's college boyfriend his name is Noah Tannenbaum oh I'm sorry the boyfriend in the show's name was Noah Tannenbaum, played by Patrick Tully.

1:43:32Okay. This is the guy that Seth ran into and thought he knew from college, but actually just because he had watched the surprise. Yeah. Okay. The Lord Mayor of the City of London is an annually elected role with a history spanning over 800 years. It's a ceremonial and ambassadorial. Ooh, ambassadorial. That's a hard word to say. Role focused on the Square Mile, the historical and financial heart of London. Key responsibilities, international ambassador, head of the City of London Corporation, ceremonial and social duties, chief magistrate of the city. One of his ancestors was Lord Mayor. Okay, the Coca-Cola Wars, longtime rivalry between soft drink producers, Coca-Cola Company and PepsiCo, who have engaged in mutually targeted marketing campaigns for the direct competition between each company's product lines.

1:44:25It began in the late 70s and it went into the 80s. How nasty did it get, Monica? Pretty nasty. There were murders. There was murders. Yeah. Oh, Atlanta. Am I wrong to think that Coke won? I mean, they won that. I think so. Yeah. Well. You know who won? Who? McDonald's. Well, when you were a kid, again, we're 12 years. Yeah. But when I was a kid. Yeah. It looked like Burger King might win. Really? Yes. Like Burger King was super neck and neck with McDonald's. Wow. Well, yeah. There was just as many Burger Kings as McDonald's in Michigan. Wow. And I remember thinking, I don't know, there's a toss up between these two.

1:45:07I don't think that anymore. I don't think that. But I guess you're right. There were more Burger Kings then than there are now for sure that I see. But again, we're in L.A., although I never see a Burger King in L.A. Let's find out. Can I do a quick fact while you're here? Yeah, look it up. How many Burger Kings were there in the USA in 1990 versus how many there are in 2025? I just think Burger King hasn't kept up. Like, they're not doing new items. Aaron had a complaint. He said he went there recently. Okay. And he got a chicken sandwich. Our favorite. All of our favorites. Yeah. He's like, it just didn't sit under the heat lamp or something long enough.

1:45:47It didn't, like, it tasted too fresh. Oh. Yeah, and I thought that was a cool. It looks like it stayed about the same. Really? There was 7 ,000 in the 90s and it kind of just stayed at that now. How are you snaking my fact here? I just, look at this. This is what he does. Yeah, he's like, I have my answer. I was being polite and waiting to read it. And then he just, he's a snake. I got a skateboard ramp. He dropped in before me right as I was about to drop in. Shit. Yeah, so 5 ,500 in 1990, 6 ,600 now. Now. So more now. And what about McDonald's, though? Let's see the... Oh, great. That's a great way to...

1:46:28Yeah. I'll let you do it. How many McDonald's in the USA were there in the 1990s versus now in 2025? So really quick before I look. Okay. That Burger King had gone up basically 1 ,000 out of 5 ,000. So it went up 20 % in 35 years. That's a lot, kind of. In June 2025, the United States had approximately 13 ,647 McDonald's. As for the 1990s, use reasonable industry context, 11 ,800. That's it? Yes, so it's gone up 2 ,000 out of roughly the exact same percentage. Also 13 ,000. That doesn't seem like enough. But that's double the amount of Burger Kings there were. Right. 13 ,600. And then McDonald's is probably more international than Burger King.

1:47:18Let's keep going on this. Oh, wow. What fast food chain has the most locations in the United States? I'm going to guess Subway. Oh, that's a good. Although I think they might be on the decline. Let's see. Subway holds the title for most U.S. locations, 19 ,500. Wow. Not that. Ooh, they closed 631 in 2024, though. Ooh, because of Jersey Michael's? Probably. Or Jared. Oh, guess what comes in second? Ooh, give me a clue. Pizza Hut. Starbucks. Oh, damn it. You're looking at it, you people. Well, you've done all the searches that I have, and I'm looking at the answer, but you're not. Yeah, Starbucks, 16, 9.

1:47:58That makes sense. I'm actually surprised that's not number one now that I'm hearing it. What's number three? And Mackie D's at 13, 6. Wow. But that makes sense. At every single airport in America, there's a Starbucks, and there's not a subway at every single airport. No, but subway has - Gas stations. 50 % more locations. Gas stations. Bathrooms. I'm in a lot of bathrooms, public restrooms that have a subway in them. I'm hungry. That was an onion joke that was really funny back in 2010 when Starbucks were exploding. It was an announcement that Starbucks had opened up a new Starbucks in the bathroom of Starbucks.

1:48:34Oh, that's cute. That's funny. Okay. Well, real quick about Coke and Pepsi. Just one last thing. Yeah, one about the Cola Wars. Coke hired Paula Abdul to represent them and Pepsi hired Michael Jackson. Known pedophile. Back then, no one knew that. So I'm going to say that Pepsi won the solo. That's mean. But that's a bigger get. Paul Abdul would be comfortable with you saying that Michael Jackson was a bigger pop star than her. And if she's not okay with that. Don't comfort me. She has a level of delusion that she's probably quite happy in anyways. Okay, that's fair. Because they. Like I'll even say this sometimes.

1:49:15Sometimes I'll say, like, if someone sees me and they freak out and someone sees it, I'll often say, if I would have saw Nick Cage in Michigan when I was 13, I would have lost my mind. And even I feel guilty using Nick Cage as a comp to me. I'm like, well, I mean, he's a way bigger star. So it's not a great comp. He's a huge star. What are Michael Jackson's total album sales versus Paul Abdul's total album sales? Oh, this feels this is starting to feel mean. It's not. This is just a reality. It's like who's taller, Shaquille O 'Neal or fucking. We don't need to look at the deeds. Okay, tell me.

1:49:51Okay, 500 million records in singles sold worldwide. For Paula?

1:50:02Rob, this is not your fact, Rob. Paula Abdul has sold 50 million. Okay. So one-tenth. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that's not like, there's nothing to have hurt feelings about. And 50 million's nothing to scoff at. That's 50 million more records than I've sold. Yeah, it's huge. By the way, that's a ton of records that she sold. It really is. We interview a lot of musicians and almost no one has sold 50 years. Now, how are we going to do the Nick Cage comparison? Like ticket sales? Nick Cage ticket sales to Dax Shepard ticket sales? God, lifetime average. I would be too afraid to look those. I'll let Rob do it.

1:50:41No. Yeah. Let's just let Paula Abdul do it and she'll get back to us. Let's do it. I might be 10 times less significant as Nick Cage. Probably maybe 20 times less. Let's find out. Okay. I just don't know. You're in more TV though. I don't think this is a good. It's not a one-to-one. No, I don't think we're going to figure it out. He's not a podcaster. I'm a much better podcaster than he is. Yeah. Well, you're much more successful. We don't know if you're better. He might be way better. Yeah. In my hunch as he is. He's collectively grossed over a billion dollars in the box office. Billion? Yeah.

1:51:10And collectively, what am I at? 300 million? 200 million? Let me see. I'm afraid to know. I've not done well in movies. Let's be honest. You haven't done a movie in a long time. Movies is not a good... This isn't good. But if I had a... Without a paddle, is it thorough? You want worldwide or domestic? What do you... What? Worldwide or domestic. Whatever you did for Nick. It gave me different answers. 588 million for you. 588 million? Yeah. And he was a billion? Yeah. That's amazing. I feel like his is light. Across 17 movies where you had acting roles. First of all, I would have guessed. I would have thought it was much lower.

1:51:52Well, like Paw Patrol, right? Yeah, I stuck in a couple that worked. I'm also like, I have a credit in 40-Year-Old Virgin, which I don't deserve. I'm on the DVD extras. Oh, cool. And I bet I'm probably getting credit for that. But didn't he do? I would have thought he was way more than a billion. because he had that string of like The Rock and Face Off and like big. He's just been around for so long. He's so old. It says he's among the highest grossing of all time. Okay. Okay. This is very confusing. This is very confusing. Okay. How many people have had late night talk shows for a decade? You said seven, you thought.

1:52:32That's high probably. It says Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan, Jon Stewart, Kimmel. And Seth. Well, yeah, he's not on his list. So I don't understand. I don't really understand because he's not on this list. And then also I looked up Colbert and he's had his show for 10 years and he wasn't on that list. Okay. But it sounds like it was roughly right. Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six. So if we add those to an eight. I don't think of Jon Stewart as having a late night talk show, but of course he did. Of course he did. I guess that is a late night show. Hyper successful. I love that show.

1:53:06Congratulations on his success. I wonder if he has a hard time integrating whatever nice house he has. Jon Stewart. Yeah. I think he's very modest. I think he lives in a very, very small, smaller than mine. Two bedroom apartment. I love him. I want to have him on so bad. Yeah. He's something else. He really is. He's intimidating. Yeah. We like being intimidated. Or we used to. I still do. You used to. Wait a minute. What are you basing that on? Like now you live here and you don't want to be intimidated anymore. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore. I want to feel good about myself. All right.

1:53:40That's it. For the rest of my life. I love you. Love you.

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