Zooey Deschanel Returns

22:56Put some baggy on. You can be fucking tight-topped at the house. I'm just like a Muslim father. Or an incel. I just made me like an incel or a control. I wonder if some incels come about because their moms have big blampers. Big blampers that all the guys like. Well, yeah, definitely I'd see her like get ready to go into the mall and be like, oh, fuck, she's wearing like. You did? Yeah, she's wearing a tight shirt and all the lunatics are going to come out of the woodwork. I've never heard the word blamper before. I love it. That's in New Zealand. We were working in New Zealand. This is a huge ding, ding, ding.

23:27It just came up on last week's episode. With Jake. With your co-star, Jake Johnson. Oh, my God. Jake Johnson was last week. Yes. And you've never heard blampers. No. But when you hear the term blampers. I know what you mean. You know, right? Yeah, immediately. And somehow Jake didn't, which is bullshit. He couldn't figure it out. Don't you think that sounds like him? Now I bet he's using it all the time. I bet he's got a shirt that says, I love blambers. I'm sure he does. Sounds like him. Okay, so we never finished up. Does Jonathan, are there ever moments where you're like, just be an LA guy and call somebody?

24:02Oh, there's never a thing that he's not fixing himself, pretty much. It never, like, annoys me because if he doesn't fix it himself, he'll get someone in to fix it. But sometimes it's at breakneck speed. I was like, there's somebody here already fixing the thing. Like he does everything so fast. So you just love it. It sounds like you're enamored. It's good because I don't know how to fix all those things. He has a little list and he loves to tinker. So we have a place in New York and we were there for Thanksgiving. And he spent the entire time. Hiding from you guys. No, he was just fixing stuff the whole time.

24:35Like he spent an entire day fixing things. Similarly, we were in Nashville for Thanksgiving. I spent the entire trip trying to figure out the pool heaters that were both broken. Oh, he'd be obsessed. Yeah, yeah. It's all I did. I was draining the pool at one point. Maybe we need to go on vacation together and you guys can just fix stuff. Take us to a dump. Sounds like a horrible vacation. Just looking at what's wrong. He'll be like, oh, there's something wrong. Let me help you. Yeah. He's like, why don't you call me? If we have friends that need something fixed, he's like, why don't you call me?

25:04I would have come over. Oh, that's neat. He'll go to neighbors' houses and like weed through water and fix their thing. Oh, he's a hero. I love that. He fixes all the neighbor's stuff. The water thing and I don't know what they're even called, but he fixes them. How far is he willing to travel? Because my home is almost ready and I surely will need—I can't do anything. He will travel. He will travel. Okay. He's got a tool. I'm going to make a list for him. Yeah, make a list. Okay, I watched a video of him walking, I guess, people through your house. I watched the Architectural Digest. And me. I was in the house.

25:35No, no. This is a different thing. Was it in our L.A. house or New York? LA, I'm presuming. This was a Christmas specific video. That's our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was showing all the Christmas decorations that apparently take six days to put up. Yes. And when I saw this footage, it's overwhelming. It's Descanso garden level. So you guys really go berserk. We go berserk. It's crazy. And do you help with that or is that all him? Yeah, well, I'm always involved in the design. When we started our really crazy decorating journey, I pulled tons of inspiration photos. Like I wanted it to look like a vintage kind of Christmas.

26:13But then since then, we have these guys from this place, Glitterville, come and do our house. And they do an amazing job. You have the same tree I noticed. You have a fake tree that's a good 12 feet tall. It's enormous. They're all fake, which I like a real tree. But Jonathan likes to have the trees that we take in and out. And then they have the lights built in. At first, I was like, a fake tree? Because growing up, we always got real trees. But now I've come to love our trees. but they're decorated amazingly. Last year was champagne. Ooh. One of the trees. This year, that same tree is more like gingerbread-y.

26:45It was very Dr. Seuss. And then we have one tree that's super colorful. And then upstairs, each of the kids have their own trees. They can just make whatever ornaments and put all those creative things. And they'll no doubt be really fun because the kids always do fun stuff. And then Elsie has a little Christmas tree in her room. It's funny because growing up, our tree always had these special ornaments. Now it's more like we have this decorating. It's a little more polished. Yeah. It was all on a theme. Yeah, it's very well balanced. Yeah. I also read, which I'm interested in, because we're in the same situation.

27:19I presume one of our children wants to act. Uh-huh. Your daughter? They both like to perform. My daughter, she does theater, musical theater. She's a good singer and actor, and she likes to perform. It's like she openly likes it. But my son breakdances and he does like to do theater and stuff like that. But then he'll be like, I don't want it. And then he'll be like, oh, hey, watch this. And then he'll do like a crazy breakdancing move. Like if he were here and I said, hey, Charlie, can you breakdance? And he'd be like, no. But if he were here and we were ignoring him, he'd be like, let me show you a breakdancing move.

27:54Yeah, watch these flips. Sounds like we have the same rule in the house, which is, you know, when you're an adult, go crazy. But you're not acting professionally. Exactly. So that was my parents' rule because they were in the business. They said to me, if you want to be an actor, you can get an agent and go to auditions when you're 16 and can drive yourself. But you're not going to be like a child actor and we're not taking you to set. But you can do as much theater and music stuff and whatever you want to do. We just want you to be a kid. We have the same program. But then I heard you in an interview today talking about this unexpected thing that has happened, which is some of their classmates are on TV.

28:38They're in shows or they're in movies and they do leave school and audition and they're in commercials. And it is funny because my kids will be like, yeah, that's Sarah from. So in some weird ways, it's very out of touch. Yet they live in this house with professionals. It's very weird. It is weird. I'd imagine for that. Yeah, Elsie said to me, well, so-and-so did a commercial. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm not their mom. Yeah, that's the rule in their house. But I also am like, do you guys want to learn a ton of lines and have thousands of dollars going out the window if you don't know them? I want you to have the experience where you can be a little more relaxed about your prep and then learn through doing theater and all that.

29:19And then by the time you're an actor, if you want to be, you're a professional who comes to set prepared. It's a real thing. Probably the kids' parents who are in the commercial, the parents are not actors. That's the thing. They don't know, oh, you should really get a handle on it now before you need to go be professional. Or for them, it's exciting. Oh, my God, you're going to do a commercial. And every kid is different. I mean, there are kids. You know when you work with the kid actors that you're like, you were the kid that's meant to be a kid actor. Josh Hutcherson. I'm like so glad. Oh, my God.

29:51I worked with Josh when he was a kid, too. Oh, you did? Yes. He was at Bridge to Cherubithia. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Anna-Sophia, Rob, too. They were the kids in this movie. And I was like, you guys are so insanely professional. I think there's the kids that are kid actors. And I think my kids will, like, come to the place. I just also want them to want to do it. I want to protect going to Northwestern with crazy outfits and not fitting in. Yes, exactly. That's what I want to protect. I don't want them being famous at 18 when they're supposed to be getting their ass kicked and confused.

30:24I want all the character building stuff. Yeah, me too. It's why I like drill. Make sure that we're always polite. When you go to someone's house, that you're not assuming you get, you know, it's like that you say thank you and please. You make sure they know you're happy to be there and all that stuff. I'm like, there's so much to learn without then also having to earn money. Have a job. Yeah, because it's a real job. And sometimes even the most mature kids have a freak out on set. And I'm like, I don't want that to be my kid. Yeah, I know. I know. You saying that, be polite, made me think of this other thing that I think is hard to navigate when you have kids and you're on TV, which is I need them to know we're getting treated nicer than you're supposed to get treated.

31:07I know. When you and Jonathan go to a restaurant, odds are some people there are going to be excited you're there and they're going to be extra nice to you. They might send you an extra dessert. Yes. I feel trapped in the situation where it's like it's not their fault. Their real life experience is everywhere we go. people are more excited, but I also need to prep them for the reality of life, which is like people are not excited to wait on you. Well, they were so young. I was on a TV show. Jonathan was on a TV show. My sister was on a TV show. My brother-in-law was on a TV show. They had a friend over and they were like, what's your daddy's TV show?

31:37Oh my God. Exactly. I was like, not everybody's dad or mom does TV. Also, yeah, Grandpa is in the industry. They thought everyone had a TV show and I was like, oh no, okay, we need to make sure they know everyone has different jobs. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor Audible for their support. So Audible just dropped their Best of 2025 collection and I gotta say this is one of those things that actually makes your life easier, Monica. Their editors have been doing to heavy lifting. We're talking countless hours of listening, heated debates, and the whole thing.

32:18They've handpicked the year's top audiobooks, podcasts, and originals across all your favorite genres. And what I love is that they're not just highlighting the giant releases, though those are in there. They've also dug up some real hidden gems, the stuff that might have flown under the radar but totally deserves your attention. I love a good recommendation. My cue is out of control, so anytime there's a curated list like this, I breathe a little easier. Two titles I'm excited about sunrise on the reaping anything hunger games related is an automatic ad for me and someday now which everyone says is incredibly warm and reflective if you want something solid to close out the year this is a great place to start check out audible's best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen go to audible.com best of 2025

33:11Okay, one thing we just grazed on last time you were here, but now I'm way more interested and I want to talk more for a minute and it's going to drive Monica crazy, but it also could be good. 8HD. Yes. Oh, is it going to drive you crazy? Well, she rightly so. Me too. It's in your algorithm. 8HD clips. That's all anyone sees now. Everyone thinks they have it. I think I do. And this is frustrating, of course, because everyone's self-diagnosing. No, I think you do. Okay. And I'll be honest. I now do think you do. You do. Okay. But I kind of think this is part of why I don't like it. We're going to be honest here on the Christmas episode.

33:50For one, so maybe you told us last time. Yeah. She's talked about it a bunch. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't have an issue with Zoe because that's a thing that's been in your life for so long. I was diagnosed. The thing is, is like you have a neuropsych when you're a kid and you need to be diagnosed because it's a whole thing. And you have to take a really long test. It's like multiple days of testing. And then they diagnose you with that and usually other learning differences. But when you're an adult, all you have to be is like, I have trouble focusing when I want to do my taxes. And that's not the same as going through a battery of tests.

34:24Thank you. You're actually proving my point. What's your take on everyone thinking they have ADHD? I just know that a lot of them aren't correct. I do feel like the way that our world is right now, it's not conducive to people being able to focus. But the thing is, ADHD isn't a problem with being able to focus. Sometimes it's focusing more than you should on things. Yeah, obsessing. Yeah. You always have something you're obsessed with. Yo, I'm a deep dive, like crazy person. Yeah, yeah. But I like that about myself. And the thing about ADHD is I usually feel like a lot of actors have ADHD. So I'd say if you're an actor, comedian, I'm likely to think that if you say you think you do, that you probably do.

35:07Well, as these memes have taken over my feed, I noticed I would answer yes to a majority of these things. Yeah. In the best way, ADHD people are like super magical and awesome. It feels like it would make sense if you said that. Okay, okay, okay. Tell me about brushing your teeth. When you brush your teeth, is that abnormally? Yes. So freaking boring. I think it's my most hated act. I have. You think it's everyone's. Guys. Okay, here we go. Nobody likes brushing their teeth. So I think the difference is it's like you don't like doing it, but you do it. It's excruciating. It's excruciating. And that's why I'll be like, I need an audio book I love to listen to while I brush.

35:46And like doing my face products and everything, I'm like. But 100%. By the way, this is kind of hard to do because Zoe really has it. Yeah, yeah. But I don't have it. I don't think. You seem neurotypical to me. Yes. I don't think I have it. And yet I put on a podcast to brush my teeth and do my face. Like I can't. Or I have to go in the other room and be doing something else. I don't think you're able. That's just general. I think that's just society. We're so frantic. We're scrolling. We're doing this. We have three devices on at once. It's what we're now used to. That kind of frenetic energy.

36:20So maybe at one point I could brush my teeth, but now I can't. And I don't think that means I have ADHD. No, it doesn't. It just means I'm living in a headspace that this world has created, and I think you are too. But he does have dyslexia, and that is sort of maybe a comorbidity. I mean, he hasn't. I know. I think he's part of this very wonderful club. I know it is a wonderful club, but I have to say the reason now I think you have it, you're not going to like what I'm about to say. Is that I interrupt? Yes. Obviously, that's a thing that we've discussed here a lot because it's like we can't do it because it's a show.

36:56And yet I can see that you really, really can't stop. But my worry is that you are now like, well, I have ADHD, so I'm just not going to stop. That's my fear. I always think there's a deeper thing that people are worried about. So, yeah, I'm never going to use ADHD as an excuse for anything. If I interrupt, I still don't want to interrupt. And I may mean not to. So I understand that there's different reasons why people interrupt. So people can interrupt because they come from a family where everyone interrupts, which ADHD runs in families. And like my whole family has ADHD. My family constantly interrupting.

37:33And it's hard for me too. But I will say that there's lots of reasons why people interrupt. But one reason why people with ADHD interrupt a lot is because you're worried you're going to forget what you're going to say. And you're like, if I don't say it right now, I'm going to forget. And it's really important. And so it can be really hard. People will think it's rude when you interrupt, but it's not. You're just so excited about what's happening. You got to say something. But it's kind of rude because, again, and this is like brushing your teeth. I, too, have thoughts that I'm like, I'm going to forget it because I'm not going to be able to say it right now.

38:09Right. Because they're talking and I'm just going to have to be OK forgetting it so that everyone can have space talking. That's the right way. I guess I feel like that's a sacrifice that has to be made. Of course, there are some things that you don't want to be using ADHD as an excuse, but it might be an explanation for certain things. But again, it is a tricky space to get into where you start being like, well, that's okay. That's why I don't get anything done because I don't have ADHD. It's like, well, no, that's not an excuse. You can still get stuff done. You just might have to figure out a new way or some different coping mechanisms.

38:45And I will say that because I was diagnosed so young and I had educational therapy really young, I was taught, I was in educational therapy two days a week from the time I was pretty young. And I never felt bad about it or anything. I just knew some stuff was different for me. But I was taught a lot of coping mechanisms, which was so helpful. And I was never medicated. I didn't need to be medicated. I just needed some tools. And to understand, I need more time than other people to do things. I need to build in more time. If I don't wake up two hours before I have to leave, I'll be like, oh my God.

39:19I'm running back in the house like 40 times. I did it this morning where I was like running back. I forgot the dang bread. My mom brought it over. I forgot the dang bread. I go back in. I'm like, oh my God, I need my lip gloss. Two things you did need today. I needed it. But it's like, that's the kind of thing I had to run back. And even then I did wake up two hours before. I might have woken up three hours before and I still am like, well, you know, but I need a lot of extra time to prep myself because otherwise my energy can be frenetic and chaotic. All over the place. We can say it. Time blindness.

39:51Time blindness. Time blindness is real. I have clocks everywhere. Clocks is good. Do you have the self-abuse, the kind where when you err, you really destroy yourself for a long time? Yes. And we used to call it the endless tape of most embarrassing moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My sister and I would talk about this. We're like, do you have an endless running video in your mind of like the dumbest shit you ever did? Just playing on repeat. Like you're in a place where it's just like, no, we're never going to stop this. It's always out. Yeah. But I just glance over. I can just watch it play out. Yeah, it's always back there.

40:24Oh, that was dumb. Let's watch that again. I think about stuff I said when I was eight years old. Me too. I feel bad about things I said when I was like four. Oh, there's this one I think of all the time. It means nothing. I think about nonstop. My mom picked me up from school one day and I decided, I'm going to sit on the floor of the car in front of the front seat. And I thought it was cool. And she was asking me about my day and I was being very aloof because I was feeling like I was very cool. I just had this moment of feeling very cool. I think about that all the time. Yeah. Like how embarrassing.

40:51I was acting cool in front of my mom. She was like, what is he doing? He's sitting on the floor. He's acting like he's like Fonzarelli all of a sudden. Like I had maybe one good day at school or something. I was feeling myself. Maybe there's a reason you remember that though. Because that was a time I was inauthentic and I hated that feeling. I don't want to do that anymore. Yeah. There's a reason some of those stick out. But it's so insignificant, right? Yeah. I was acting cool and aloof and sitting on the floor. But once a week, I think about that for five minutes. Yeah. I feel like, how do I get that out of my head?

41:18It's funny though. I apologize to my mom for this. Hey. I remember in 84, you picked me up from school. January 4th. Okay, let's talk about your movie. Okay, yes. Merv. Merv. You and Charlie Cox. Yes. Daredevil. Yes. The movie starts as breaking up. It's characters that have broken up, but they're sharing a dog. And the dog is depressed. He's not taking it well. What kind of things is he not doing? He doesn't want to go for walks or runs. He doesn't want to eat. He's like depressed. What kind of dog is he? A mutt. A cute rescue. You have to do a mutt, I think, in modern cinema. Yeah. I think they toyed with different dogs.

41:57I mean, what's harder is that you have to find a bunch of dogs that look just like this special mutt. Because they cast this dog named Gus that's incredible. Yeah, we love Gus. Gus is an incredible dog actor. But then they had to cast three or four more dogs that were similar to Gus. But he's like a big terrier mix mutt. If you cast a Brussels Griffon or something, they all look the same pretty much. Yeah. Some cuter than others, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. Or not that they all look the same, but pretty much more or less. You can get away with it in a wide shot for sure. This was harder. They had to dye a dog's beard or something.

42:34Another dog. I don't know. Because they also had to be trained dogs. They had a special dog groomer that came and... How old was Gus? I don't know. How long has he been acting? He's been acting a while. He's incredibly well-trained and honestly loves sausages a lot. And that's what he's working for. Those are the treats. See the human food. They like the human food. Yeah, well, they have to give him healthy treats because he gets a lot of treats. So they have to give him like healthy chicken breast. They love chicken breast. They were cooking it up. Yeah, they're cooking it. They had little bags.

43:06I wondered how old he was because I rented a sloth one time to come over for Kristen's birthday party. I've seen the video. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Incredible video. How old was the sloth? The sloth was eight or nine, but as it turned out, once we met the sloth, the sloth had been an outbreak. It had a much better career than either of us had at the time that I hired her to come over to the house for the birthday party. Does she still love sloths as much? No, I think I kind of ruined it for her a bit. Oh, no, really? Because I think— Well, the world ruined it. Yeah, you know, like, you didn't know what to get her.

43:39You got her some of the sloth. I think she got inundated with sloth stuff. So I think I might have tamped down maybe her love. Yeah, you know when you're a kid and it's like, oh my, I love penguins. And then for the rest of your life, if someone sees something with a penguin, they get it for you. Right. I don't really love penguins anymore. I'm 40. Right. Well, my kids both have animal middle names. So like when they were babies, my daughter's Elsie Otter and my son's Charlie Wolf. And it was like, non-stop wolves and otters. And Elsie goes, that's not my favorite animal. And I was like, well, it's a great animal.

44:10You're like, it's my favorite. It's mine. Okay, so the dog is bereft. Charlie's character takes the dog on a beach vacation, but then I can't let go. But what is the premise of the vacation spot? It's like a dog beach. It is specifically. It's really cute. We had all these scenes with like millions of dogs. That was so fun and funny. They had ones where dogs are like riding around in little cars. People are going to love this. It's a dog movie, a rom-com, and kind of a little bit of a Christmas movie too, so it's fun stuff. One, yeah. It's all in one. If any of these things appeal to you. You'd be dead inside if not one of those items of Christmas, romance, and puppies.

44:50Christmas, dogs, yeah. Puppies. Now, the scenes with like 30 dogs on the beach, did it take for an eternity? Was there so many dog wranglers and the little clickers? There's varying levels of dog actors. Like humans. There are scenes where they're like establishing dog beach. They have dogs do this and that. And there's always one dog that's like, well, I mean, Gus is a pro. One and done. He's got this. One and done. This is a Decafrio. Sometimes there will be a dog that's like a dog background actor that's not an actor really. They're more of like a show dog or something like that. Let's be real.

45:20So they're not as experienced. And so maybe it took a little longer, but it was good. I would say it can be challenging to act a scene and then the dog has to do blocking. And the dog trainers are there and they're like, go with, go with. And then the dog's like, but there's a sausage over here. So we would always have to have sausages in our pockets to be like, Smart. I've got a sausage too. Oh, wow. This is a lot. It's important. Cats are not as good at acting. It's not their sport. As much as I love them. They're very smart, but they're like, we do what we want to do. I had one scene on New Girl where there was a million cats on my car, and that was crazy.

45:59The cats just will not. They don't. Cooperate. No, they're all just like. Hence the term, herding cats. Herding cats is hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cats just do what they want to do. They're very smart, but they do what they want to do. And dogs— They want approval. They're more like me. My cats aren't super food motivated. There aren't that many things. I have one cat that's like, no, if you have a treat, she's suspicious of you. She thinks you're trying to get her. Again, smart. It's like, you know, you're not supposed to get in the car with a stranger when they give you candy. Pickle knows intuitively something stinks.

46:31Pickle's not getting in the car. Did you feel a little stress reentering the Christmas movie space since you are in an iconic one? Well, it happened by accident because when I read this script, I was just like, it's a cute rom-com. And I didn't even like notice that it was sort of set during Christmas. Yeah. Because it wasn't like the front and center thing. It's more in the realm of Love Actually or Die Hard where there's Christmas in the background. It's the context. But it's not about Santa Claus or elves or Christmas-specific characters. Okay. And it's not a Christmas-specific plot line. Just happens to have these nice little cozy Christmas vibes.

47:05Ooh, I like that. That's how I ended up. But I'm like, you know what? It's great to have this little sprinkling. Yeah. It's kind of nice. It adds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you want to have things that take place during the time when you're reminded how important your loved ones are, you know? Oh, it's true. Yeah. Is it a tearjerker? A little bit, but it's mainly funny, but it has a few tearjerky moments. Okay, for the... You want a couple of tears jerked out? Yeah, I'm ready. Jerked out. You might have a tear. Remove. Okay, I'll let you know. But you're not going to be, like, crying the whole movie.

47:35Okay. There's no death. And Charlie Cox is a classic bae. Classic. Yeah, I think that'll be working for you a lot in between the cries. Yeah. I think you'll be getting excited for Charlie Cox. It's a good rom-com. I love a rom-com. A dying breed. We need more. I agree. We need more. We need more. They're working the marketplace. Yeah. It's weird there's not more. Now, I'm going to ask you an annoying question. I think probably everyone does. But because I'm friends with Jake, I just feel like clearly they're going to want you guys to do that show again. Right. Would you ever do that show? I would.

48:04Yeah. So good. I don't know if Jake would. If it were down the street from his house, he would be like, I'll stop by. Twice a week. I'll give you 12 hours a week. If you didn't ask him, we should have asked him. Yeah, maybe that's what I should have done. And we have to ask Max. We'll get them all. We'll get them lined up. If you guys get them lined up. But it's probably as big as it ever was when it was out, yeah? I think bigger. Bigger, right? We had a huge opening. And then we were like fighting baseball because they had the baseball contract on Fox. We had like all this traction. And then they kept having to take us off for a week because baseball.

48:34and there was a lot of stuff like that where we got a little bit slowed down and in the network TV world, it was like one of the first years that you were putting things on Netflix too because they put our show on Netflix the day after it aired. So we couldn't actually always see really our real ratings because a lot of people were watching on Netflix. Right. I thought it was such a smart marketing move because then people ended up watching who missed it or weren't aware of it. They just see it up on there. So it's hard to even know exactly. And then we were on for a long time, but it felt like we were just kind of chugging along.

49:07I think they're good at convincing all of us that the show's barely working. The whole six years on Parenthood was like, I don't know if we're going to bring you back. All six years. The whole time I kept being like, I think it's a really big hit. There's not a day it goes by. People tell me it means so much to them. And then they're like, I don't know. It was definitely a weird transition time in network television. What's the name of the game in the show? True American. Yes, True American. Have they made that into a real game? They should. But one of our writers, it was a game that she played with friends in college, but it was actually just a physical game of strength.

49:44And a bunch of like her guy friends would like kind of play this. And then when they introduced it, it didn't really have instructions. At first it was like, they play true American. So we just kind of improvised most of it. To seem opaque. To seem like it was a game that was really weird. Had no rules. Made up rules. And then people started trying to impose the rules on after the fact, which I was like, it's kind of a dangerous thing, but kind of great. Yeah. I'm in. So good. Yes. What a great show. Are we going to sing? I think we are. Yeah. Will you sing a song? I will. I want to say that you guys really willed this in because I kept trying to be like, I haven't practiced.

50:21You're like, we don't care. I know. And you're like, we'll get you someone to accompany you. And I was like, well, you said, could you find a keyboard player? And I was like, well, I don't have time. And you're like, we got one. Yeah. Look, we forced you to do this. Well, I was like, they want it this much, then I'll do it. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. I know. And I was listening to She and Him's Christmas, A Very Christmas. Oh, my favorite. A Very She and Him Christmas I was listening to this morning the whole time I was researching. Yeah. That's so funny. You're going to see a DM from me that's like, I love it.

50:52Oh, wait, I'll give you my phone number because I erased Instagram from my phone. Smart. So I'm not doom scrolling all the time. Smart. Really? I have so much time now. I mean, no offense to Instagram. There's lots of great things about it. But I just erased it. And I was like, you know what? Anyone who needs to get in touch with me will be able to get in touch with me. And I just erased it from my phone. And I realized there's a whole world that's there. And I erased TikTok. I still watch YouTube because it's long form. Yeah. And I like to like learn things. A lot of times they're like educational stuff.

51:21Sure. But the doom scrolling, because I spent two hours watching cat videos. I'm telling I'm telling myself the second we don't do this show that I'm going to leave. I know. That's how I feel. But then it's like there's going to be something else. But I have someone else post for me. Okay. So I'm still active and I still do all the stuff to post. Like I take pictures and stuff. Yeah. And I say what to post, but I'm not looking at it. It's not affecting my time and personal. I moved it to like the last page on my phone. So I got to go through it. But that hasn't slowed me down in the way I was hoping.

51:53Oh, I did so many things. I was like, and I would break through everyone. I downloaded another app that was supposed to limit it. It'd be like, you're blocked. And I'd just get around it. Sure, sure, sure. Pick up another device. I'd be like, you have to want it. Yeah. So I had to realize that for me, Instagram was, and TikTok, so addictive that I had to take it off my phone. Yeah. Wait, I have to ask one more thing before we sing because it just reminded me. What's on your Christmas dinner plate? Ooh, table. Table. Yeah. Okay. I like chicken. I like chicken. You know, like a good roast chicken.

52:27Yeah, beautiful roasted. I like a roasted potato. I love all the roasted vegetables. I love roasted beets and all those kind of winter vegetables. I like a roasted potato better than a mashed potato. Okay, yeah. With skin on. Yes. Skin on. It's crispy. I like crispy, crispy. Almost fried. Yeah. It's called roasted, but we know. But it's a fried. There's enough oil on that. It's hot enough that it is basically fried. I like a good salad. I believe a salad belongs on the table. To be enjoyed with all the roasted things. I'm not turning my nose up at any of the other Christmas meats or a salmon. Okay, wow.

53:02You were pescatarian for a minute. I was vegetarian and then pescatarian. And then I realized I'm allergic to like a lot of the fake meat things. Almost every protein powder I can't eat. Oh, really? This is from whey protein, which I can eat a little bit. But my fingers become cracked. Oh, wow. And I noticed that when I stopped eating whey protein, it goes away. Have you tried a whey isolate? Oh, maybe that's what I have to do. That's what you need to do. Because I can't have whey and whey isolate. No problem. Okay. You know what I can do is bone broth protein. Okay. That's great. And they have like chocolate flavor.

53:37I mean, it tastes just like a regular protein batter, but I'll try the isolate. And I can't have pea protein. I'm really allergic to that. I can't have soy protein. I'm allergic to that. Pretty much all the vegetarian things were challenging and then I was not getting enough protein. So now I do eat meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sustainably. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that's okay. And then for desserts. Yeah. I like cookies. I'm a cookie. We thought you're a cookie monster. Do I have one? I might have to add you. I've got a cookie group chat. What? Oh, my God. That's like recipes flowing? No, it's all the places we've gotten good cookies.

54:13That's even better for you. That's way better. Yeah, because you like to shop. Yeah, I love shopping. And Coastmates where you can, you know, doorstep. Get cookies delivered. You know, Rob makes an incredible Christmas cookie. Really? Yes, he'll have to give you the recipe. Sorry, Rob, but you have to give Zoe your recipe. Is it like a cutout cookie? No, it's white chocolate cranberry cookie. Delicious. It's so good. You love him, too. I even cheat a little bit. Yeah, you cheat on your gluten. Well, you might have a piece of the bread. Yeah, you cheat. Yeah, I will. Toast it. I definitely want to show my love to your mother.

54:50You don't have to. I remembered that you were avoiding the gluten, but I still brought the bread anyway. right? No, I'm glad you did. But she was like, one of them will eat it. Yes, you did. Yes, yes, we'll eat it. And you can share it. And you know what? If you don't think you can eat all this, slice it and then put it in the freezer. And you know that thing about the bread, that when you freeze it... It lowers its glycemic index. It's really amazing. Kristen freezes all of our bread before the family eats it. So you can do that. That's what she actually mostly does. She makes her own bread and then will freeze it a lot.

55:22Smart. All these sourdough people are the same. It takes over your whole life. Like our freezer is just full of sliced frozen bread. Yeah, yeah. We're the beneficiaries of it. That's right. Okay, on to the song. Yeah, we're going to sing the song. Okay. All right. Yes. Yeah.

55:46Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light From now on our troubles will be out of sight

56:11Have yourself a merry little Christmas We make the yuletide gay From now on our troubles will be miles away

56:37Here we are as in olden days Happy golden days of your faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more

57:04through the years we all will be together if the fates allow Hang a shining star upon the highest bow

57:29And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

57:52Oh! And there was a cricket! I know! You guys, a cricket joint in the middle! It's really sweet. It was kind of like, it's nighttime now. Yeah, the crickets are too. Do you guys know where this song came from? No! Tell us! It was in Meet Me in St. Louis. And the first person to sing it was Judy Garland. and it's like heart wrenching please watch yes she sings it and it's like the family's gonna move away from St. Louis oh no to New York City everyone's sad about it and she's singing it to her baby sister to say like it's gonna be okay yeah it's so beautiful watch it I'm crying yeah tears are behind my eyes just thinking about it anyway you guys that was beautiful thank you thank you so much it was like amazing I have one flub.

58:44No. If this is how musicians are, they think they're a flub. It was so good. It was never good enough. I don't believe in, like, not having little things that are different. You know what I mean? I agree. That's the beauty. Yeah, there was no flubs. No. No flubs. Birthmark. It was a birthmark. We record in ways so we can't fix mistakes. So I believe in that. Like, I like that. Yeah, that's what we did on my last record. That's how we did all the wolf stuff. It's just the take. Well, it sounds so good. Yeah. Yeah. The take is the take. The take is the take. You make that perfection. I've sung back up or guessed it on people's records.

59:16And I see how a lot of people do it is that they fix every line. It sounds perfect, but it all of a sudden doesn't sound as much like you. As interesting. Yeah. If you don't have the musical through line. Like, there's a story to that performance. Yes, yes. Absolutely. I feel that way with click. No, we don't use click ever. When you're seeing a show live. Yeah, yeah. The record clicks. Sometimes I get it. I'm in a session and I'm like, okay, at least we can punch in, I guess. It's simple to keep everyone on the same click track. When you see something live to click, it changes the whole, my insides just go like, ugh.

59:50Matt? Same. I don't like click. I also don't like click. Yeah, I just don't like it. It's like a personal thing. She has to start with click in a big circle. You don't need it. You don't need it. They didn't have it before. They didn't have it before. You guys were talking about it and they don't have it. Jimi Hendrix, he wasn't using click. He wasn't using click. No. He didn't use click. He's just in his soul. Nobody needs click. I'm going to state the most obvious thing that's been said all the time about your singing, but it's so just true, which is it's so nostalgic. Like, I think I'm hearing the song from 70 years ago.

1:00:22It's, yes, it's very timeless, warm. Thank you. Yeah, nostalgic. It kind of is bigger than the sound somehow. I just love it. Thank you. We feel very grateful. So glad we forced you to do it. You know what? I'm glad that I got to work with you. And I'm glad I got to sing for you guys. And you'll have a little bit more spring in your Christmas step now. I feel good, and I love that song. Such a beautiful song. I'm happy to sing it. Thank you, Jacob, for coming back. Yes, again, again. You're amazing. All right, well, Merry Christmas to both of you guys. Merry Christmas. This has been so fun. Happy New Year.

1:00:54Happy New Year. I just want to urge everyone to see Merv December 10th on Prime Video. Check it out, unless you're allergic to adorable dogs, rom-com, or Christmas. If you're allergic to any of those three, that's not for you. But if you're a human, you're going to love it. And revisit the She and Him holiday album. Pop that on. Yeah, we have two of them. Two. Revisit the two. Two She and Him and watch Merv. December 10th, Prime Video. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:01:33I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode but we'll find out when my mom Mrs. Monica comes in and tells us what was wrong. Hi, Merry Christmas time. Look at these fun slacks you're wearing. Yes, I'm wearing cozy slacks wherever you're going to come sit. I'm wearing leggings for the winter. These are leggings. But they're a jog suit? No, this is a sweater. Oh, but they have a gusset and a waistband? Yeah, they have a waistband. Oh, okay. So there's a difference between leggings and joggers or pants. Yeah, these are tight. They're leggings. They're like. I thought leggings. What are these?

1:02:14Bike shorts? I don't know where the leg is like starts here and ends here. Oh, leg warmers maybe? Leggings? No. This is a legging. Okay. A legging is a. Stockings. Oh, stockings. Stockings, I think, is what I thought. wears? Who wears them? Mrs. Claus. Does she wear stockings? Probably. What do people wear under their skirts? Stockings? Tights? Tights. Stockings are tights. They just, right, don't. I don't know. I'll tell you this, though. Mrs. Claus is, I think, generally horny. Okay, I looked it up. Stockings are close-fitting garments covering the foot and leg from the foot to the thigh or waist, typically made from sheer nylon, silk, or other stretchable materials for fashion, warmth, or medical reasons.

1:03:09Medical reasons? Distinct from connected pantyhose and also referred to large sock-shaped bags for Christmas gifts. That's why I was saying Mrs. Claus. I knew stock, you know, the chimney was hung and there were stockings with care or something. But that stocking's stuffers, right? Whatever. Those aren't leggings, though. Those are like two... These are leggings. They are leggings? Yes. See, good. I'm glad you had the same confusion. I thought I was on your side when I was saying this. I know you tried. Otherwise, I wouldn't have brought it up. What did you think leggings were? Just tighter versions of that.

1:03:40And all the way up like a pant? They are. I know they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For some reason, leggings in mine didn't have a waistband and pockets. There's no pockets. I know, but you know you could have pockets. No. Leggings have a waistband. They're all the way up. Like you have Lululemon leggings. They're elastic normally. Elastic. This is sick. This is, this is. Do they call them Lulu leggings? They should. Okay, well, it's our Christmas episode for the core team. Here he comes. The reindeer. People complain. Yeah. I know we're over, but people complain. Oh. Oh. Oh. What are you doing? I don't say.

1:04:27I don't say. I see. But now it's evolved to just. Oh. Oh, my God. People complained? Yeah, I didn't do it last year. Oh, last year. Yeah, somehow I forgot to do Elvis last year. That is shocking. And four people complained, and a million people were grateful. So I'm going to definitely make the four people. So you bridged the gap. I thought you meant people complained that you would do it, and you're going to do it anyways. So you would imagine that would be a complaint. But I have to say, I've never read that complaint. And people are willing. They're free-flying with their complaints, as we know.

1:05:01Sure. You know that. We all know that. So can we ask what everyone's success rate was? Because I've been very unsuccessful. With our gifts? Yeah, like shipping. I was, okay, I'll go first. Ladies first. Ladies first. I was very nervous about one of them. It was, I ordered it over a week ago from a place that's very close by. So that was a mistake. Like, I should have just gone. When I called, they were like, oh, we could have just messaged it to you. And I was like, okay, I wish I knew that. And it wasn't coming. It wasn't coming. And then I kept getting the FedEx stickers where it came and left and came and left.

1:05:45And it required a signature? Yes, and I kept trying to change it and I couldn't change it. They should outlaw signature required. It's my number one grievance. Do you ever try signing it and then writing on it, please leave this? I have done it. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. They have to follow the law. Well, they're not willing to lose their job over making you happy. And I know if you could declare on FedEx and UPS and USPS to see that I'm like, I'm done. Yeah. I don't give a fuck if it's stolen. I think instead of it defaulting to it is a signature, it should default to there's no signature.

1:06:19And you click it if you are someone who's like, I need this. I think whoever you bought it from, they like to require signatures so that they don't ever get blamed. Yeah, that's what it is. But I'm saying it should be reversed. So anyway, I canceled an appointment to stay at home on the day that I was like, it's supposed to arrive today. You sat at home all day long. I did. And it did arrive, thank God. So I signed for it. It makes me think of the guy who knocks on the door and then they pull it open and he's still holding the handle on vacation. Christmas vacation, he's holding the gift from his boss he's been waiting for.

1:07:00But somehow he's holding. He's like, cling, cling, cling. And then when they open, he's like holding that in the wreath, I think. He's like, I'm sorry. Forgot to do this. Your favorite movie. Yeah. Christmas movie. Your favorite Christmas movie. Yeah. Well, my situation was I ordered you a bunch of things that were coming from Newark. Newark? Newark. Newark. Newark. The Newark airport. And I had loads of time. When I ordered it, they were going to be here like two weeks ago. That's an exaggeration. A week and a half ago. Okay. And then it was like, hey, it's going to be later. It's going to be later.

1:07:39Then, hey, we're not even going to send one of these things. Like, we can't find this. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, that's done. Was it a limited edition item? Well, it's a no edition item. Oh, I really want it. They had it on their website, but they didn't have it in their stock room. So, okay, so I ordered those. And those are, ironically, if we believe the app, is going to be here at 2.30. Oh, wow. That's exciting. Yes, exactly when we're done recording. After all this, me watching it every day and tracking it every day. I know, it's stressful. But then even worse, and this is my fault, and this applies to both of you, is that I then ordered a lot of stuff off Amazon.

1:08:18And what I fucking, it's my fault. I got to double check when I order stuff. Okay. Because I order stuff to Tennessee so much. Oh, no. Yeah. So yesterday I started getting all those alerts you get from Amazon, like in your email. Deliver, deliver, deliver. And I'm like, great. I go outside, nothing there. I'm like, what the fuck? Open up to take a picture. That's Mount Juliet Oh shit So about five things are in Nashville for you Three things for you But yours were just cute things to make this thing better But it is heartbreaking Because I really thought it was something cute So anyways, I entered this having really failed And I'm ashamed and embarrassed That I failed everyone Now, are you going to tell us what they are?

1:09:00Yeah, so that's my question Your shit gets here, you know After we start recording our next guest Yeah But I feel like I should tell you. You could just like write on a piece of paper or print it off, picture of it. I know. What if I just hand you my phone? I mean, that works. Sure, and I'm like, ah! Here's a clue from Bergdorf. Oh, shit. Just hand you a receipt from Bergdorf. That is from Newark Airport.

1:09:30Exciting. No, this is great. That means I have presents to come. You do. And then also when I return home from Christmas vacation. More presents. Yeah, I'll be bringing back all this stuff. I'll describe to you some of the cute things I got. And Rob, how did it go for you? Mine was good. One of them's a big swing. Oh, exciting. Which one? It'll be obvious. Yeah, it'll be obvious. What if it's a boyfriend? What if it's a mold of his penis? Wow, that is a big swing. Figuratively and literally, I heard from Natalie. So who goes first, the youngest? How do we do it? Yeah, Rob should go first. All right.

1:10:15Well, mine's two parts. I'm going to view your gift. No, you receive. Receive first. Yeah, you should receive first. Do you want to receive from Dax or I? Ooh, big question. I'll just close my eyes and point so that I don't have to pick. It's random. Youngest goes first. Okay, so all gifts. Yeah, give him your present. Okay. Okay. Give Robbie his present. There's writing on the back of that card. Okay. Ooh. That's a good sign. This gift is in honor of friend of the pod, Curtis Duffy. Oh, you sneaky mouse. Christmas mouse? Squeak, squeak, squeak. It's in a Nicky Kehoe box. Yeah, that's a red herring.

1:11:03That's nice wrapping paper, too. Nice and thick. Yeah, that's paper source. Or a reused app. Yeah. Put that in a pile. It's a gift within a gift. I love how many grandmas would go home from Christmas with a bunch of wrapping paper. I know. And it's all creased up. I don't get it. It's not great. So we've got a Max and Helen's hot sauce. Yeah. That's from your new favorite place? Yes. Okay, update. I got in. She got in. And it was so good. It was so good. I panicked as soon as I sat down that I was never going to be able to get back in. So I was like, got to order so many things. We saw you post-meal at Lily's.

1:11:46And when you were saying everything you ordered, at one point I was like, well, shit, them four of them must have got in. And I was like, how many folks went? Two. Just you and Jess. Just me and Jess. You had about seven entrees, right? We got a tuna melt. Highly recommend the tuna melt. Oh, my God. It was so good. Oh, my tuna melt. Oh, my tuna. We agree tuna melt doesn't sound appetizing even though it can be appetizing. To you because you don't like fish. In general, I think to a lot of people, tuna melt sounds nice. Melted fish? It's not. The fish itself isn't melted. There's cheese on it that's melted.

1:12:22I know, but tuna melt. Okay, you're biased on your— There's cheese on the tuna melt? Yes, that's what makes you. You've never had one? You've never had a tuna melt? I don't like tuna either. Oh, my God. Well, okay, not for either of you, maybe. Now, I do like a tuna fish. Well, I like raw tuna. I think you'd love it. You can tuna guitar, but you cannot tuna fish. Okay. Okay. Highly recommend the tuna melt. We got a ham and cheese omelet. That was an addition at the end. I wanted it. Now, really quick. I would never, ever order a ham and cheese omelet from a place I've heard is great. Because how the fuck can you make it better?

1:12:57Like eggs, ham, and cheese. No, it was. It was so good. It was several standard deviations above. Yeah, because the type of ham they were using, very thin, very tasty. Like a brochure or a matadon. Fluffy egg too? Fluffy egg. The cheese I think was Gruyere. That was a last minute add-on. That was like, okay, we've eaten, but we got to try the ham and we got to try it. Okay, so we got a matzo ball soup. Amazing. We got a, oh. We got a toast. No, we got an egg sandwich, like the breakfast sandwich. They upsold us on the waffle. We were not going to get a waffle, but they were like, do you want a waffle?

1:13:37Just like start. Yeah. And we were like, uh. I was like, do we need to get that? And he was like, we're known for our waffles. Was it that good? It was so good. I was so glad we had it. I don't even love, I don't even like waffles. You don't love waffles? I like them. But I'm never ordering them. I'm never ordering them. I'm normally going to go pancake over waffle. Oh. And then hot chocolate. They're known for their hot chocolate. It's called Lily's Hot Chocolate. Oh, my goodness. Well, because Lily is Phil's daughter. That's right. She runs and owns it with her husband. She was there. And then an egg cream.

1:14:16Do not sleep on the egg cream. Tell me what an egg cream is. Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Do you need a second set of leggings? Yeah, I need to go. I'm going to get stockings tonight. You'll really see stuff. This will see through. Do you know about egg creams? I don't think so. Okay. They're a drink. They come in like a milkshake glass, but it's kind of like a milkshake. It's like a 50s thing, right? Yeah. Eggnog? No, it's like a milkshake mixed with a seltzer kind of. Like it's almost bubbly. It's very light. Oh, my God. It was so good. It was – Jess got it and I took a sip and I was like, oh, no, I need one on the way out.

1:15:04Yeah. But I was so full I didn't get one on the way out. But it was – don't sleep on that. Vanilla. We got vanilla. There's also a chocolate. Okay. That's what – of all the things you mentioned, that's what has me most excited to go there. The egg cream? Yeah. It's so good. Because I've never had an egg cream. Well, can you talk about the waffle some more? Sure. What kind of waffle? What's up with the waffle? It was. I love the waffle. I do too. I love the swear words. It had like a yummy butter on top. Was it crispy? Yeah, it was crispy. It was crispy, but also thick and somehow fluffy in the middle, but crispy.

1:15:39Yeah, that's the best kind. It was amazing. Anyway, highly recommend. I know it's so annoying because it's 1 ,800 hours, the wait. Best 1 ,800 hours you could ever spend? I was happy that you're at a risk for these restaurants that you go in and it's going to be like, oh, it's like highfalutin diner food, which is not what you want when you go to a diner. You want diner food. And it was. It was like classic diner food, but everything just tasted better than it would at a regular diner. So, man, oh, man. Anyway, the hot sauce. We got the hot sauce, too. Oh, we got home fries that came with the hot sauce, and it was so good.

1:16:18So, they sell that. All right. Okay, next present. And some of Mindy's hot chocolate. Incredible. Mindy Kaling has her own? No. This is Mindy from Chicago. Oh, okay. She has, it was a restaurant we all went to. That was amazing. And she moved into bakery. Oh, okay. And makes incredible hot chocolate and cookies and baked goods. Goodies. And let's see. some caramel, salted caramels. Caramels. Salted caramels. Please pronounce it correctly. Duck buttered caramels. From where, what is? It's just French. I don't know. These are from Bucatini, a really cute little shop in Echo Park. Awesome. And everything there is so cute.

1:17:04I love salted caramels. I know that about you. Now, are you saying caramel for her? What would you normally say? Salted. I honestly, it depends. Yeah, I bounce back. That's fair. I think what you said, caramels, immediately off, right off the, so I, I saw you, I made him say. I think I feel pretentious if I say caramel. Me too. Wow, I find that so counterintuitive, and I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Caramel. Oh, these are nice. Some serving spoons. Some serving spoons. Because Rob is a, I don't know if people can tell, this is a food packaged gift. Yeah, these are all great food items. And look at those serving spoons.

1:17:40And then a card. There's a card. Oh, ever in Chicago. Thank you. A meal forever. But I don't know when you're going to go because I don't know when you're going to be there. He's down with Chicago. Just like you. Now he calls L.A. home. Well, that's true, but. He's still going to go there. No, I go. I just don't go during high traffic times. Yes. I reached out to them and I told them the situation. And I said, he's not going to be there for the holidays. But when he's there next, can he reach out and can we do this? And they said yes. Well, thank you. You're welcome. What restaurant? Ever Curtis's restaurant.

1:18:15Curtis' restaurant. I'd go, I don't even care about going to eat there. I'd go just in hopes of seeing him. Yeah. Because I liked him so much. Great man. He was a good boy. Remember when he taught us, though, about that in a martini glass or some sort of appetizer, but then he puts this very thin piece of sugar or something on top, and then there's something, so it looks like it's floating. Do you guys remember that? I mostly remember the family side. I mean, that's the memorable part. That was a big part of that. That's why I want to see him. I mainly remember the sugar. Thank you. You're welcome.

1:18:43Okay, now Rob opens from back. Oh, we're gonna go round again? Round again. Well, that makes kind of sense. I have a lot of siblings. Yeah. Why don't you go, Dad? So you're the next oldest. I'll open from Rob. What if, like, I just, now I tell you. Well, that's not, I gotta, there's something first before you open that. Oh, I think mine is the big sweet. Okay. All right, you ready? Yeah. Oh, he's gotta go away. What if it's living? A dog! Oh, my God.

1:19:16Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

1:19:28Wait a minute. This would be a big swing. Oh, my God. There's something on screen. What? There's a video? Monica, this is your dream. No. A little bit about me. I am caring. I care a lot about some things. This is the horn face. I'm ruggedly handsome. Oh, my God. I'm an intellectual. I know a lot about a lot of stuff. I have a very high EQ. I even have a PhD. Oh, does he? Quite cultured. I think of myself as having an evolved masculinity. I've got a lot. I'm heavy breasted. And by that, I don't mean that I have big boobs, but I have a lot of boobs. She's also got five or six penises. Which is unusual for a man, I know, but it's still somehow masculine, or at least bovine.

1:20:20I think of myself as being very comfortable with women in power. As a matter of fact, I prefer women to be in power. I prefer them to be whipping me. In fact, I love to support women. I knew a turn was good. I think of myself as a bra. as just a big intergalactic bra. I am well over six feet tall. Oh, I like that. I'm 47 feet, in fact. I don't own a dog. I cannot stand dogs. I'm a cat person. I am a kitty cat person. I mean, I'm a little bit country, and I'm a little bit rock and roll. What I'm looking for is a caretaker. He's actually getting me there. I want somebody to change me. Yeah. You did it to a person telling him what I wanted.

1:21:12To change my bedding and also my pants. I'm currently unemployed and I am unemployable. I've been told that. I'm morbidly obese and I can't stop smoking. I've been smoking by... That is a do or die. I have to smoke cigarettes almost constantly. And I also smoke cigars at the same time. At the same time. And, you know, I'm willing to move in. I'll give it a shot. I'll come. I own a ferret. And, you know, I don't know if you've seen the movie Beastmaster, but you can think of that. So I'm just a Beastmaster braw ferret owning, unemployable, morbidly obese guy. Anyway! Wow. I can't wait to meet you, Monica.

1:22:02Wow. I cannot wait to meet you. I think you know me as the Berserker Blothar. Oh, my God. God, he's in the full regalia. Oh, oh, he just blew a kiss. Wow. Wow. Guar. It's good that we heard him before we saw him. Telly Beauty and the Beast, you wanna like get to know his spirit first. It's true. Before you see the horns and the mini breasts. Oh, that's fantastic. Wow, Rob. Oh, Rob. And then, there he is. That's his genitals. This is his dick right in here. That's one of his seven penises. Wow. Well, that was fantastic. I did. Oh, it's Quar wrapping paper-ish. I mean, not officially branded, but there's demons on it.

1:22:48Demons. Well, that was really something. That's incredible. That was fantastic. You always outdo yourself. Quar. I mean, I don't know. Guess what? He's funny. He's really funny. And he's clearly quite smart. He has a PhD, he said. Oh, pretty huge dick. Oh, wow. Is that a thing? Yeah, it's from Friends. But if he loves friends. That's better than a pretty huge dick or a PhD. Oh, my God. That was great because I was distracting her. Do you do? No, no, no, no. Oh, God. What do we have in there? Let's talk about a big swing. What do we have? It is. So these are his udders. He sent them? He sent his sack of penises.

1:23:33Whoa, I was joking so many times. I'm like, I'm afraid to touch it. No, don't be. Don't be. Oh, and a really like a cute little action figure. Oh, you know me so well. So he wears.

1:23:53One of the sacks that he wears. Oh, my God. This is an actual. That's going to look beautiful in your new house. Maybe above your bathtub, your new bathtub. Wow. So he wears this on his face. Around his penis. No, it's around his genitals. Because I think sub sprays out of them during the show. Yeah, they're functional. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Sure, they've been used. There's a hole. They've been used. Yep. Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you, Rob. This was quite a gift. Wow. Oh, my. We might need to hang. Put it. Yeah. We have a red band over YouTube. Well, that was great. Wow, exciting. Thank you. What an experience.

1:24:42Am I the next oldest? Yes, you are. Okay. Are these both for me? Yes, that one's for me. Open from Rob. Okay. Maybe because it's closest. He's youngest. And he's youngest.

1:24:58We honor youth here. Yeah, we do. I like that ribbon. It's Paper Source, too. Oh, Paper Source. My grandmother. Sponsor us. Save the shit out of that. It's gonna be blue. I gotta open it for the first time here. Where the tape is. Oh, it's already been open. Okay. Fleur de Mall? Speaking of stockings. That's what I thought stockings were. Speaking of big swing, what is happening? Fleur de Mall is a very nice... Ding, ding, ding. Bless it. What is Fleur de Mal? It's a lingerie company. Beautiful lingerie company. Really? Yeah.

1:25:41Oh. It was a red hair. What is it? Now I'm sad and... You're sad and mad? Uh-oh. Rob. Uh-oh. Rob, God's true cashmere. Oh, my God. Oh, a button down. I don't have any of these. It's beautiful. Of these kind that aren't flannel. Ooh. It's black and it's. And it's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Oh, my God. Rob, did you sell your house? Are you homeless? This is really beautiful. Very nice. Whoa. With the purple buttons. Yeah, the purple buttons are lovely. What are they called? The gems? They're stones. They're rocks. There's something very special about the buttons on these. I think Brad Hand makes the buttons.

1:26:33He does. Yeah. Oh, my heavens, Rob. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Rob next, my present? Yeah. All right. So you're going to want to open it like this. You're going to want to remove that piece and then peel it back. Oh, wow. It has a pretty, it has a face on it. And it was gonna be a spectacular diorama, but a lot of the items made their way down to Nashville. Oh, I see. San Francisco and Chicago. It says Levi's on the front. That's Levi's Stadium. And the gold dots is front row tickets. Amazing. Thank you. I can't see anything. The Bears, the closest they get to L.A., is San Francisco. Oh, fun.

1:27:28And he'll be there over Christmas. And we're going to be right there. Oh, that's awesome. Calvin and I are going to road trip from Tahoe to San Francisco. Can I tell you what was going to be so cute? So I ordered bobbleheads. So I had a Chicago Bears bobblehead that was going to be in the end zone and then a 49ers bobblehead. And then I found Elliot, who I think Rob looks so much like Elliot from E.T. Oh. With his little E.T. and that was going to be Calvin and Rob sitting on the front row of that stadium. But those are all on my porch. That's very cute. This is amazing. Thank you very much. You're so welcome.

1:28:03Wow. I love it. Cute. Thank you. You did some printing. Yeah, it was going to be really great with the bobbleheads. We get the picture. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. You're the next youngest. From you. Okay. I don't even know how to pronounce it, but your friend Callie knows how to. Okay. So I basically bought you the entire line of Loelle. Loelle. Loewe. Loewe candles. What? Yes. Minus the one they didn't have in stock. Okay. But it's a whole array. Wow. And then I got you like, I got you wick trimming things. They're in Nashville. I got you cute little mice that holders. Cute. I got you this really cool antiquey thing that's both a snuffer outer and a lighter.

1:28:54Oh, my. For the candles. So it's a one-stop candle extravaganza for your house. My goodness, Loewe makes the best candles. I'm such a Philistine. I text her and said, does Monica like diptyque candles? I was, like, going to get you a bunch of those really nice diptyques. And she said, and I think this is her being nice. She's like, she does. And she also loves whatever. And I'm like, got it. Definitely pick the other one. Yes. Wow. She's good. She's good. Oh, my thank you. They're very special candles. Cucumber, tomato. The beeswax was the one that wasn't there. That was the one I was most excited about.

1:29:41Oh, dang. Beeswax, that's all right. Fuck beeswax. That sounds boring. Yeah, okay. Like kill a bunch of bees to make it. Yeah. Fuck school. Fuck homework. Yeah. Fun. Oh, I can't wait. Well, 2.30 you'll have. Oh, my gosh. I can't wait. Okay, now you from me. Okay. And also yours says something on the back of your little card, too. Okay. Did you draw this picture? I wish. But I thought of you because it's a muscular man. It's a muscular man. It appears to be a dumbbell. Yep. On the bottom. And on Rob's card, it was an orchestra man because Rob likes music. With a triangle. Yeah. Ed Grimley style.

1:30:17Okay. to Dax this gift is in honor of friend of the pod Brad Pitt

1:30:30you know it's funny though what we just saying the other day is like you get you liked an elephant once like my father likes elephants so every single present he ever got you were saying that this is what happens yeah now I want to counteract that narrative with if everyone's just like he loves God's true, I ain't complaining. That was for this episode. It was Zoe talking about otters for their daughter. Oh, it was? Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, I mean, this wrapping paper's like cloth. Is it God's true? It is. So you should keep it. I'm a tiny bit worried you have it. And if you do, we'll figure it out.

1:31:12I do not. You don't. I thought the red was really nice. Yeah, that's what I was scared of, too. I was like, I can't get a flannel because I don't know. Which ones he has. Yeah, I thought that would look very nice on you. I'm going to cut wood in this because I saw very masculine lumberjack. It does. It looks lumberjack, but it's God's truth. Yeah, it's for a sissy lumberjack like me. Exactly. It's for a Hollywood lumberjack. A gentleman lumberjack. You guys. You guys, who knew God's truth? Oh, my gosh. What a win-win-win. We didn't even talk about it. What if we had gotten the same one? What if he got you the same thing?

1:31:56You're always trying to put a positive spin on everything during presents. You're like, great, I have one that I can spill on.

1:32:05Oh, my God, you guys. I feel not worthy of these beautiful presents. I don't either. I definitely don't feel worthy of this penis. The tri-penis? It's a quad. Tri-penis top. It's a quad. Try penis top. Wow. Guys, good job. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. It's so fun. Love it. But I do want to see. You want to bring it down. I do. No, I want to be grateful. We got a huge honor a couple days ago. Oh, my gosh. Yes, we got a Christmas miracle. We really did. We, as a team, are nominated for a Golden Globe for this very show. who could have imagined eight years ago? And I just want to say, because if by some strike of lightning we win, this will not be in the speech.

1:32:58We're here for two reasons. We got this for two reasons. The insane vulnerability of our guests. Yes. Like, that's the gift. A hundred percent. Big deal. We could be being vulnerable all day long and people are like, eh, suck one. Suck one of the four. And then equal to that is how many people listen and share and love and talk about. It's the listeners. And you guys gave me my first nomination. It's so nice. It's the listeners. They're with, they're loyal and we're so grateful and they keep us going. Yeah, I do want to share the moment because it's a very funny. While it was happening, or right after it happened, I'm like, yeah, definitely remember this for the rest of my life, which is, you know, I have this ironclad morning routine.

1:33:49Well, I go to bed on Sunday, and I know these announcements come out at 5 a.m. I know we're on the list of 25 that are eligible. I did some roundtables and stuff and participated in the whole thing. Yeah, we did a press conference. Did a press conference. So I know 5 a.m. tomorrow morning this news comes out. So I wake up on Monday and I am already committed. Like we're not deviating from our routine. Like that would A, be bad luck and I'm superstitious. Yes. So I do the, I make the coffee. I do the meditation. I do the journal. So now I've got hours gone by and, and always on Monday, then I turn, as soon as I put my journal down, I then grab my phone and I go through the clips Rob sent and I post whatever Monday's episode is.

1:34:37And I put my journal away and I looked at my phone and my heart like literally skipped a beat where I was like, oh my God, man, I'm going to look at the phone and there's either going to be 40 messages, text messages, or zero text messages as normal in the morning. And that moment before grabbing that phone, knowing it was going to be that obvious was the most specific weird feeling ever. And more anxiety, I'm a pessimist, so more anxiety than excitement. And then I picked it up and I opened it up and I saw like right away I had like, I don't know, 15 or 20 text messages. And I immediately just cried like five or six tears of like relief and enjoy inhalation and I just can't believe it.

1:35:28Yeah. And then I start looking at the text and the first one is you. And I'm like, oh my God, Monty was up at five because you were up at what, 450? Okay. Yeah. So I didn't, yes, same situation. I know it's coming. I had already talked to Wondry. Shout out Wondry. Thank you. Yes. I had been talking to them and they were like, okay, so if it happens, could you guys maybe do a little video? And we were like, you know, I said, sure. And I said, you know, just we're not going to be up at five. That was the email change. Yeah, we're not going to be up at five, but like we'll do it in some hours. And then I said, can you text me?

1:36:08Not you, Wondry. It's like, can you just text me and let me know? And Alice, shout out, was like, even if you don't get it? And I was like, yes, yes. It's okay. I want to know. Let me know. And then I thought, like, you know what's funny? I really was like, it doesn't matter. I don't, like, we're fine. I said to her, I was like, it's fine. We're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we're happy with this show. Being in the first 25 was already blew my kind of mind. Yes, exactly. Yes. That already felt like such a. Validating. Moment, yes. So then, so like, you know, I was like, oh, it's tomorrow. okay.

1:36:48And I was talking to my parents and I was like, Oh, you know, we might be, I don't know. We're in the top 25 for a golden globe. We find out tomorrow. And they were like, what? And then, so I got a little bit antsy when they did that. And I went to bed and I was like, yeah, I'll just wake up at eight, like normal and see. And then my body woke up at like four 30 and was just like ready. Oh no. Oh no. I guess I, I care more than I, than I think. I relate so much. Cause And I'm not lying. There's no like ego protection. In my waking hours, I'm fine either way. It doesn't make us, break us. It would be a lovely icing on the cake, but it's not a thing.

1:37:29Yeah. My subconscious feels differently. I guess so. Because for three nights leading up to that Sunday morning, I was having all these weird anxiety dreams. And so somehow that's in my subconscious. Like that's not in my waking existence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was 430 and I was like, oh, no, but I'm not going to look. I'm going to try to go back to sleep and I'm not going to look. And I obviously did not sleep for that. And I just and at one point I was like, I'm going to look. And then we had a nice text. And then, yeah, I texted you and I said. So what was your like visceral body reaction?

1:38:03I was very grateful for everything. It was just like, oh my God, how cool to be recognized in the first of this category. It's like, that's so special. Look what we made. It was more of that. Like, look what we've done. I could really like tap into that. Like, oh my God, we've done something very cool and I'm proud of it. And I'm proud of all of us. so that was the feeling and then I texted you and I said let me know when you wake up we have a video to make and then we made one we made one and I'm just not I got a I should have called Rob first I know how to record my screens it was easy record my screen FaceTime you we have a fun chit chat this is great send it to you you text me back like hey where's the audio no audio good to that voice memo too oh you gotta do them both at the same time I think that'd be the move That didn't work out.

1:38:59Yeah, that didn't work out. Ironically. Yeah. That's okay, though. And that's okay. But it was a fun day. Super fun day. Super duper fun day. Yeah. I'm going to credit you for bringing your state championship winner spirit. Thank you. I think we're riding on your. Yeah. Yeah. I had lost my softball championship the day before. Oh, no. Oh, you had. So it was not for me. You were on a. You weren't. You were worried. You were like, oh, no. Well, I forgot it was even happening. Yeah. Did it dig you out of your hole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you care more about this or the softball? Be honest. I cared more about this.

1:39:36I was the same gratitude. I wanted to say softball. Although I woke up at like 5.30 to the text messages. Yeah. And I told Natalie, and she just grunted and put her blanket over her. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's appropriate. That's right. Yeah. Well, I also saw, yeah, I saw that, and I saw the text. so I was so excited and I FaceTime you and then I'm like okay well A it's time for me to take the kids to school and then also I'm gonna probably tell them yeah and then I was like all my way to do that I was like oh I better check and see if Kristen was next I don't wanna walk down and I was like hey check me out and then I don't say congratulations to her and then so I was kind of nervously scrolling through and so I was like okay good we're good yeah so then it was Kristen has one and her show has one as well very exciting it'll be a real family affair at that event.

1:40:27Big time family affair. I'm proud of both of you and I'm glad to be doing this with the both of you. Yeah, man. I would never, I would never in my life have gotten nominated for a Golden Globe without you two. There's just, it's just that simple. It's black and white. I know we all came here. We did. Me and you came here. I used to watch that show and dream, dream my little heart out of walking that red carpet, being there and I'm doing it. Are you going to wear your leggings? Back door. Back door. No. Look, I'm the fashion. I'm stressed. God, stress. I thought you would be the most excited you've ever.

1:41:03You're like, you're dying for a gala. Well, this is the gala of all fucking gala. I know, but I have to. Get it perfect. I want to get it perfect. And I want a dress. You want to win best dressed? Yeah. And like the dresses go. You want to sweep the Golden Globes. Best dress. I want them all. I want all. No, it's political. You know, the fashion world's very political. Who will style who? And the dresses, like, most of them are probably already gone to, you know, big people. And I want to look good. And I am stressed, but I'm excited. I'm not stressed. I'm pretty confident you're going to look great.

1:41:41Thank you. So big thanks to everyone. Yeah. And Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas. Merry, Merry, and Happy New Year. And we'll see you guys next year. Let's do some facts. Let's do some. Nice! Fantastic. Okay. Now, what is the name of the lady whose legs got burned by the hot coffee? Oh, good. Okay. We should shout her out. Yeah. I don't think she's probably still wet. I don't either. Yeah, because that was in the 80s. It was 92. Oh, it was 92? Yes. She suffered third-degree burns. Her name is? Hopefully. Stella Liebeck. She's so likable if you watch the documentary. She was 79.

1:42:27That's my point. She was, you know, she's 80 then. That was 30. She died 11 years ago. She died 11 years ago. Maybe some complications. No, no, no, no. Broken heart, I think. Oh, Jesus Christ, you guys. Happy holidays. She was so sweet and she didn't want any money. She just wanted her legs fixed. God, yeah. She was 79 in her grandson's car passenger. This story is so sad. I know. And also it was kind of pitched to us as it was like reckless. Yeah. But she had, they pulled over into a parking spot and she picked the thing up and then the, you know. The lid fell off. Yeah, yeah. And it splashed all over her thighs and just disintegrated.

1:43:07Can you imagine if you were with your grandma and your grandma's legs burnt off? I would walk in there and pulled the person operating the car. I would walk in there and jerked it off the wall. I wouldn't have hurt a person, but I would have flipped. If my grandma Yolas had been her, I would have fucking ripped that whole machine out. I know. I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Look at my grandma Yolas' thighs. She was named after Ulysses S. Grant. She's an important woman.

1:43:37Okay.

1:43:44That's true. Do you know that? That's so weird. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's really, really cute. Yeah. Okay, but poor Stella was hospitalized for eight days. Yeah. It's as serious of a burn as I've ever seen. And. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. It's like when Cooper and Fallon are trying to talk about the elephant man, and they just can't. I know, because it's so sad. So my man's, they said at one point, one of them said, my man's bones were whatever. I know. because severe burns to her thighs. Oh, no. Did you say genitals? Is that what you're laughing at? Okay, you saw genitals and you thought of an older lady's genitals and the giggles.

1:44:29It's just no one talks about that part, obviously. But that's horrible. It's part of ageism. We think that an older woman doesn't have a vagina anymore. She just becomes a Barbie. But she kind of didn't have a vagina anymore. She can't have kids, so why does she need it? Oh, God. Yeah. Okay, but yeah, she sued for$20 ,000. There you go. But then was awarded$2.7 million. Although, though this was later reduced. Why? Because of society blaming women. This doc is so great. I don't know where you find it, Hawk Coffee, but it's all about tort reform and what was sold to us and really what happened in the states where they adopted it.

1:45:08Medical costs still went up, even outpacing some of the states that didn't do tort reform. It's all hoax. Anyways. Yeah. Also, I'm just going to add, I'm on my soapbox. There are egregious cases. There's totally frivolous lawsuits. There's no question. Yes. But you have to just tolerate that that's going to happen so that you preserve the right for an individual citizen to take on the biggest companies in the world. Yeah, I agree. You can sue Google. Yeah. That is your only defense. I know. Like we have this one thing left. the civil court system. And that's the only way an individual can fight back with government, corporations.

1:45:43So it has to be preserved and protected. And some of these, these damages have to be exorbitant to get them to do a policy change because they just do a cost analysis and they go, it'd be cheaper for us to keep the policy and pay this person off. It's got to hurt them. Exactly, because that's normal. McDonald's, and I love McDonald's. Yes, we love McDonald's. They changed their policy as a result of that case. Okay. Are cats smart? Well, I did, are cats smarter than dogs? Okay. It is difficult to definitively say if cats or dogs are smarter, as intelligence can be measured in different ways, and they show different strengths.

1:46:20Dogs have more neurons in their cerebral cortex, suggesting a higher capacity for tasks and learning, while cats may be more persistent in solving problems independently. Ultimately, both are intelligent in their own right. AI is being very diplomatic. Yeah. They're being robbed. Dogs are often considered more intelligent due to a higher number of neurons. But as I learned in biology in college, it's more than that. It's the ratio to your mass. Right. Yeah. So why? Because like a capuchin monkey doesn't have a bigger neocortex than say, I don't know, Reese's macaque. Maybe it does. But it's so tiny.

1:46:58Right. Exactly. And it's super intelligent somehow because of that relationship. Yeah. Because wasn't that also like the Neanderthal? Neanderthal has a bigger brain. Right. 1650 cc's versus 1450. Right. But they were bigger. But their neocortex, they were heavier. Yeah. And I don't know if their neocortex was bigger. Okay. Well, this says studies suggest that people with higher IQs often gravitate toward feline companions. I believe that. It says, but why? Reason number one, independent minds attract independent pets. Cats don't need constant attention. They do their own thing. Perfect for thinkers, creatives, and deep workers who value quiet focus.

1:47:35Mmm. That's interesting. Yeah. Okay. Now. Dogs present as dumber. Yeah, they do. Because they come to a, oh, oh, oh. I know their tongues are out. Yeah, yeah. And they're slobbering. Oh, my God. Their dicks are out often. And they're hard sometimes. Yeah. The red rocket. I've never seen a cat erection. Me either. I don't even know if they have erections. I don't know either. I looked up how many doodle dogs there are in Los Angeles. There's no exact number, but it's a large and growing population. It has an estimated, Los Angeles County has an estimated 5.3 million dogs across roughly 3.3 million households.

1:48:13And doodle dogs are a popular category, though not the most popular breed overall. What is? You'd think they'd say. Who cares? Yeah, I sure don't. Yeah, I mean, rescues for sure. Rescue, who knows what they are. Yeah. French bulldog. Really? It's the most popular dog breed in L.A. based on American Kennel Club registration data. That's interesting. I don't see a lot of them. Me either. They must be house dogs. There's a top 100 list. Merry Christmas. Of dogs? No, best Christmas movies of all time. Okay, let's do the top 10. All right, I'll give it to you for Christmas. 10 is Gremlins. Oh, great.

1:48:589 is Miracle on 34th Street. Okay. Eight is A Christmas Story. Great. Seven, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. That's number one, but continue. Six, Elf. Ding, ding, ding. Wow, they beat Vacation. Five, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Four, A Christmas Carol. Three, Die Hard. Two, Home Alone. That's my number one. And one, It's a Wonderful Life. That's a fine list. I'm usually more. It's from IMDb. Okay. Trusted brand. I don't think Rudolph should be that high up. I'm going to say that. Okay, but it's. It's 20 minutes. It's claymation. I love it. But you can't put that up against the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is way better.

1:49:36In fact, it's I'm actually now I'm offended. Oh, boy. The original Grinch Who Stole Christmas should be number one. That is a perfect. I think it should be up there. I don't. Home Alone is my number one. You can. I'm not going to fight you on that. It's great. We already watched it this season. So good. Okay. Now, click. At the end of this episode, the musicians were talking about click. We didn't know what they were talking about. I did, but continue. Now, we did not know what they were talking about. I had no idea what was the meme. And I looked it up. In music, click most commonly refers to as a click track, an audio metronome used to keep musicians in sync during recording or live performance.

1:50:15It's a rhythmic pulse, often played through headphones, that ensures a consistent tempo and can include cues for song sections like verses and choruses. Yeah, I would hate that. It would be so distracting to me. I can see why some people don't like it. They don't like click. If you just hear it in your ear every time, click, click. Yeah, I don't like that either. I don't like click. Although you might be able to sing along perfectly given what we learned in the last fact check. Okay, that's it. Okay, well, I love Zoe. Yes. I love Christmas time. Me too. Yeah, it's so good. Happy holidays. Happy holidays from us and ours to you and yours.

1:50:47Goodbye. Everyone in between. Love you. Love you.

1:51:22Thank you.