Boiled Hamburgers w/ Brad Williams

5:16Andrew Santino:What I'm going to do is I'm going to convert my backyard because I have that, not asphalt, but the fake grass. What do you call that? Fake grass. Is that what they call it? I think so. I mean, what do they call it? I mean, turf. Turf.

5:27Bobby Lee:Yeah.

5:27Andrew Santino:I have turf. I'm going to take that out, put real American soil on there. American soil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to put American soil on there, man. I'm going to get American seeds. You know what I mean? I might grow hummus.

5:42Andrew Santino:I'm growing hummus, dude American shit, tomatoes Is that a Netanyahu joke? Is that a Netanyahu joke? No, it's not, dude I'm not doing fucking Goya It's Goya It just sounds like a Greek thing Is it Hispanic? Yeah, I'm not Only American vegetables Hot dogs, cheeseburgers You can't grow hot dogs Pretzels No, no, I'm growing vegetables and fruits. Well, you don't grow hummus either. You don't grow hummus? Chickpeas. It's a bean. It's chickpeas. It's a chickpea. How do you get chickpeas? You grow it. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. No chickpeas.

6:19Bobby Lee:No chickpeas in our house. Well, no. I mean, I'll eat it like if I'm with, you know what I mean? No, it's American. We're not doing that.

6:25Andrew Santino:No, I love hummus, but I'm just saying. All right. I do love hummus.

6:29Bobby Lee:But look, chickpeas are very easy to grow. Oh, fuck. Nutrient dense and drought tolerant. different legumes that thrive in warm weather maturing in 90 days.

6:35Andrew Santino:All right, I'll get chickpeas.

6:37Bobby Lee:I'll do chickpeas. We'll be hummus boys.

6:39Andrew Santino:Yeah, we'll be hummus boys. But I just think that I have this fear that something's about to happen. So I'm going to Y2K this.

6:46Bobby Lee:So you think a global -

6:47Andrew Santino:Is that the one that's right?

6:48Bobby Lee:Yes.

6:49Andrew Santino:Y2K? Yeah. And you know what happened there?

6:50Bobby Lee:Nothing. Yeah, I know.

6:52Andrew Santino:So it's going to be the same result. It doesn't matter though, because it could have happened.

6:55Bobby Lee:The global food source will be depleted, in your opinion, in the next couple of years. We're about to run out.

6:59Andrew Santino:The Strait of Hormuzes closed. We don't know when that's going to open up.

7:02Bobby Lee:Well, just make it crooked then. Crooked the hermousse if we can.

7:05Andrew Santino:Yeah. Stop straightening that thing out. Yeah. You know what I should have done? What do I should have done? I don't know. I haven't done anything. You should have done. I'm so tired. You know, 200 years ago, they should just widen that thing. But they have no foresight. You know what I mean? But I'd be like, hey, we could make it wider. What? The straight? Yeah, wider. Bigger. Bigger.

7:28Bobby Lee:Yeah?

7:28Andrew Santino:Yeah.

7:29Bobby Lee:You should have been a civil engineer.

7:30Andrew Santino:I know.

7:31Bobby Lee:I watched Pluribus again last night And that is literally what we're kind of what we're talking about Did you finish it? Gosh it's pretty good I got one left I think

7:39Andrew Santino:It's a really good show

7:40Bobby Lee:But we gotta watch it in chunks because it's anxiety inducing So I can't get through the whole thing at once

7:44Andrew Santino:You have no anxiety? You have no anxiety? I have all of it About the world

7:48Bobby Lee:Oh about the world? Yeah No I'm comfortable dude I'm comfortably numb

7:52Andrew Santino:Oh you're numb

7:53Bobby Lee:Like the song

7:54Andrew Santino:Yeah

7:57Bobby Lee:I have become comfortably numb

8:01Andrew Santino:It's a good song.

8:02Bobby Lee:Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Doomsday Clock, January 27, 2026, as of this year, was set at 85 seconds to midnight. Closest the clock has ever been to midnight in its history. Wow. Well, speed it up. Push the seconds over. Let's have fun.

8:15Andrew Santino:There's a lot of anxiety I feel in the world. I think maybe I'm just like, you know what I mean, a sensitive guy and I just can feel things. But like, you know, when you walk into a coffee shop and you look at somebody, right? What's wrong? I'm a sensitive guy.

8:27Bobby Lee:I can feel things. You're an empath. Is that what you're thinking?

8:32Andrew Santino:Well, I'm dating a witch. You are dating a witch. Yeah, so it rubs off on me.

8:35Bobby Lee:I know. My eye, I can't see out of my right eye. What are you guys doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

8:41Andrew Santino:She told me the other night that she can see the future and stuff like that. What did she see? She goes, she stopped doing it because it's like too much. She gets tired. That's her reason to stop. I mean, she got taught it. You know what I mean? Also, not just looking to the future, like look into people's and communicate with like spirits and stuff, right? And she's like it's

9:04Bobby Lee:I could run a three minute mile But I just don't want to do it I just don't feel like doing it But I can That's not ridiculous You can do it but you just won't No you literally can't A three minute mile

9:17Andrew Santino:No nobody can No one can do a three minute mile Not you or me I know but there are people out in the world that can Yeah maybe like Mofongo Babango.

9:29Bobby Lee:Yeah, yeah.

9:29Andrew Santino:Mofongo Babango. He can. He can do it? Yeah, yeah.

9:32Bobby Lee:Well, the girl that I'm dating is the Mofongo Mofongo of witches. No human has ever run a three-minute mile. Okay.

9:37Andrew Santino:Wait a minute.

9:37Bobby Lee:She said she could look

9:38Andrew Santino:into the future. I need to hear the rest. Not the future. It's more like she can see things, communicate with spirits and see things in the past and... That's the opposite.

9:53Bobby Lee:She's going the wrong way. Oh, yeah. She's in... Wait, dude. She's in that other universe. to communicating and she's going backwards. And they're like, the information's up here.

10:03Andrew Santino:She took it wrong. I don't know why you guys are laughing at this, you know what I mean, religion. It's absolutely mind boggling. Dude, fuck you. It's absolutely mind boggling. Shut up. That you would take one's religion and mock it.

10:21Bobby Lee:Witches and magic practitioners often use divination such as tarot, runes, or scrying.

10:28Andrew Santino:She's scrying all the time, Doc. She's scrying? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One time her dog actually started scrying. Do I believe? They cry different. They scry. Oh, they scry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't. Yeah, it's even more painful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:43Bobby Lee:They float when they cry.

10:44Andrew Santino:They scry. Yeah, so, you know, we live in a country where we have freedom of religion. That's right, baby. Best country in the world. And for you to mock one's religion is to me absurd and offending. Time out. It offends me.

10:57Bobby Lee:You're allowed to have the freedom to any religion. Yeah. I have the freedom of speech to mock your religion. Which religion is this? Yeah. Witchcraft. Witchcraft is a religion. It is a religion. But I have the freedom of speech. Buddhism is a religion.

11:12Andrew Santino:Is it not?

11:13Bobby Lee:Yeah, it is. But we can mock it. That's the whole point of freedom of speech. Wicca. Wiccans. Yeah, Wiccans. Jetski grew up. Yeah, but you know. What you're saying is contradictory in and of itself. If it's protected religion, then so is speech. So we can make fun of it. That's the point.

11:26Andrew Santino:But it's kind of my religion. It's not yours. I know. I know it's not, but I want to defend the right. Defend your honor. That people have the right to have their own religion.

11:36Bobby Lee:And people have the right, and I'll defend that.

11:37Andrew Santino:And you're laughing, you guys are laughing as if like, it's not real.

11:40Bobby Lee:No, no, no. It could be. No, no, we're laughing at it. It could be. We're laughing because it's real. That's the God she believes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the goat God. Yeah. And tell me. I've seen that guy on La Brea before.

11:51Andrew Santino:Yeah. Now tell me, Carlos, you were at the drawing room at 1.30 in the morning and you saw that. Yeah, in Los Feliz, at the drawing room at 1.30, right, McCone? Yeah, at the end of the fucking bar, you've seen her or whatever that is. Hey, can I get a drink? Can you buy me a drink? Somebody buy that girl a drink. I walked here from Echo Park. That's where they live. You've seen.

12:14Bobby Lee:The horned goat lives in Echo Park. I got a great one bed, one bath. What else does she tell you about the future? Does she tell us what's coming? Has she given you any insight? Well, you remember I told you that I found your name in my freezer, right? She was putting it in there. No, that's not. Did I tell you that? You told me she made you put it in there to cool me off. Yeah, yeah. To cool you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

12:36Andrew Santino:It didn't work. No.

12:37Bobby Lee:You're hot. The freezer spell involving your name is typically used in witchcraft to blind, stop, or banish a person from causing trouble. Exactly. That's what I was doing. Freezing their negative actions or cold shoulders.

12:46Andrew Santino:I was banishing you, dude. Didn't work. I know it didn't work. I'm unbanishable. I know. I realize that. I realize that you're unbanishable. Also, I realize that, you know what I mean, you can't be binded. You can't bind me. Like in Lord of the Rings, that ring, no, nothing on you. No bind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what race you are in that world, dude, but you cannot be bound to that ring. Unbound. You're unbinded. Yeah, so that didn't work. You could be stopped. You could, yeah. It could be stopped, you know what I mean? But it would take, like, you know what I mean, a Russian army, I think, to stop you.

13:13Andrew Santino:Don't tempt those guys because they'll do it. So witchcraft to bind stop or banish. Yeah banish two three of those you can't do Anderson Tino You know, I try to freeze your negativity and it didn't work. Also. It was in there for like months It was between you know, I put your box butcher box meat And a frozen pizza Didn't work. Yeah I put it between like you know me and then like one day we're like well eat a pork chop and we lifted it right? And there was a and just a fucking piece of paper. Just my face. No, just your name. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I ripped it up. Oh, you ripped it up? Yeah, he's not banished.

13:48Andrew Santino:Well, that's why I was having back pain that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you got black back? Maybe that was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, ow, ow.

13:55Bobby Lee:Ow, ow, ow, ow. Binding this motherfucker. Oh, unbound.

13:59Andrew Santino:Yeah, but... You know who is a huge soccer fan? I just had no idea. It's Gillis.

14:05Bobby Lee:Oh, is he?

14:06Andrew Santino:Uh-huh. Love soccer. We were in the van... we had lunch and um you know i was watching the um arsenal champions of the game on my phone he's like what are you watching i go arsenal playing you know and he goes fuck arsenal i go fuck you of course i'm saying that because i defend myself that's your argument that's my argument yeah yeah you know me who does he follow can i just finish our conversation i go what'd you say to me man he said you said that this ruben was the best thing on the menu wasn't because he was like, you got to try the Reuben. It was okay. Anyway, he's a Man U fan. He's a Manchester United fan.

14:44Bobby Lee:Thank you.

14:44Andrew Santino:And then I asked him like specific questions. He knew everything. I was mind boggled.

14:49Bobby Lee:He's a big sports fan.

14:51Andrew Santino:No, but he was like, I've been following them since I was a kid or whatever. I even historically, I was asking him questions and Gillis is a Man U fan. So is, give me another comic that's a Man U fan, you know?

15:01Bobby Lee:I feel like we do know someone that's a Man U fan. They have the, they have tatted on them. He's black. Oh, Ian Edwards. Yep. Yeah. Exactly. He has a tattoo. Doesn't he have a tattoo? Yeah. Couldn't see it anyway. I know. I could.

15:13Andrew Santino:It was about to come out. Dude, you're so fast today. There's only one list. I'm so tired. You can't be quick today. Okay. Yeah. It's just too, you know? Yeah. It's too, you know what I mean? You talk so fast. Sometimes I'm not there. He's using the laser gun. It's like those Greenland sharks. You know the butthroes, our fuckers? Have we talked about that? greenland sharks yeah they they live to over 400 years old some of them 500 years old really the

15:42Bobby Lee:greenland shark the uh longest lived vertebrae on earth studies estimate they live 400 fucking years they're found in the cold deepest part of the arctic and north atlantic these sharks is my ex up there these sharks grow at a glacial pace for only one centimeter per year reaching maturity around 150 years so they grow up at 150 that's when they're like an adult what happened historically 400 years ago just google that what do you mean like what happened right from today 400 years ago

16:07Andrew Santino:a greenland shark was born born do you google yeah yeah google that i want to see that happened today 400 years ago yeah what happened today 400 years ago or this month no just say today

16:18Bobby Lee:14 400 and mccone get hit by a bus um august what is this around 400 years ago the first recorded africans arrived in the english colony of virginia at pointe comfort your rut row I'm marking a pivotal tragic start to slavery in North America. Roughly 20 enslaved people were traded for supplies.

16:36Andrew Santino:Yeah.

16:37Bobby Lee:Okay. Okay, Greenland shark. Not a good time. Not a good birth time. Yeah, time.

16:43Andrew Santino:People are on the, you know what I mean, on the almost start. And the old baby is born. Wow, not good. It's not good. Not good. I'm just saying though that they've been around. I mean, imagine there is something alive today that witness, not witness, he wasn't on land going, oh my God, this is an atrocity.

17:02Andrew Santino:he wasn't like i gotta check this out you know as a baby you know but he was still a lot deep in the ocean born when this shit was going on what are you guys doing what are you guys doing

17:12Bobby Lee:are you guys trading and buying humans i'm gonna go back to the depths of the ocean that's crazy imagine interviewing one right now on his deathbed and he's like do you guys still buy humans you're like well yeah that's that's what they look like yeah that's what they look glide they look 400 years old yeah yeah 400 years that's crazy beautiful though it's beautiful what's the longest species that what's the longest age length of a species on earth what species that

17:36Andrew Santino:the longest that one yeah that's it vertebrae yeah yeah yeah yeah longest i'm sure there are

17:42Bobby Lee:plants or trees that are longer do you think yeah trees live yeah the longest lived individual and vertebrate uh is the ocean quahog a clam that can live over 500 years no wow wow oh or the immortal jellyfish. They put it right there on the name.

17:58Andrew Santino:So clam, what happened five years, 100 years ago? Google that. 500 years ago today. Yeah, I'm a clam. What did he, what did we see? I'm a clam. We're clams, we're clams. What did we see? What did we see? What did we see? So tell us what the world was like.

18:12Bobby Lee:Yeah, yeah. Well, it was shaped by the height of the Protestant Reformation, the expansion of the Spanish Empire. Boo. Boo. And the flowering of the Italian Renaissance. Yay.

18:21Andrew Santino:This painting is beautiful. Gorgeous. A clam today was just like, Wow, look at the artistry. Well, look at that. Magellan.

18:29Bobby Lee:So a clam saw Magellan.

18:30Andrew Santino:Whoa, on the beach, saw Magellan. Yeah. Yeah.

18:33Bobby Lee:What is he doing?

18:34Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or me, I'm more of a Columbus guy. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you're happy about Magellan? I like Magellan.

18:45Bobby Lee:Yeah, I like Columbus. That was their soccer teams back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a diehard Columbus fan? I'm more of a Magellan guy. The Inca civilization at its peak in South America, stretching from modern-day Colombia to Chile, just before the Spanish conquest in 1533. Another bad thing you've done. So basically what we're finding out through the history of invertebrates and vertebrates is you guys are up to no good.

19:03Andrew Santino:Pieces of shit. Pieces of shit. Well, in the Philippines, you guys, oh my God.

19:07Bobby Lee:Oh my God, what did you do? What'd you do? Lapu-lapu. Lapu-lapu.

19:11Andrew Santino:You lapu-lapu'd it.

19:11Bobby Lee:Okay, so Google, zoom in real fast. Yeah, what is this? Immortal jellyfish, a glass sponge lives up to 15 ,000 years.

19:18Andrew Santino:Whoa, 15 ,000 years. What happened?

19:21Bobby Lee:What happened 15 ,000 years ago?

19:24Andrew Santino:I'm a glass... We're glass sponges.

19:29Bobby Lee:We're glass sponges. All right, around 15 ,000 years... Be a glass... Yeah, be a glass sponge, dude. The world was transitioning out of the last ice age, bringing a warming climate, reducing glaciers.

19:37Andrew Santino:Man, is it getting warmer?

19:39Bobby Lee:I can feel my toes. I can feel my toes finally, dude. Whoa, dude. Humans begin transitioning from purely nomadic foraging to living in semi-permanent settlements. Yeah. Oh, they are? And the suburbs were born. No, I'm kidding. The use of clay for artistic expression began. beads pendants rather than just utility. Children and adults were shaping clay, reflecting a forgotten chapter in social development.

19:59Andrew Santino:Wow.

20:00Bobby Lee:It is cool to be the first person.

20:01Andrew Santino:What do you call that? Hammer. We witnessed. Yeah, we saw a hammer. We saw a hammer, dude, getting invented. That's insane. Hammer in the morning. Isn't that insane? There are glass jelly. What are they called?

20:11Bobby Lee:Glass sponge. Glass sponge.

20:12Andrew Santino:Glass sponges that were around when a fucking hammer was invented. Wow. Yeah. The same guy. What do you mean? Glass sponge. Same guy today. Same guy today. Same dude. Yeah, yeah. Same guy. Same dude is still around. Crazy. Is it boring? I bet he's having a good time. All he's doing is this. Depends on who's visiting him. Have you done this?

20:38Bobby Lee:How long can you do this? 15 ,000 years.

20:41Andrew Santino:That's insane. But there's no thought.

20:43Bobby Lee:There's no... This is the funniest thing. He literally Googled glass sponges daily life as if they have like a nine to five. Y 'all brought it to life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

20:51Andrew Santino:Give me daily life.

20:52Bobby Lee:Bobby. Bobby. He's got the glass sponge as a get ready with me, TikTok. Get ready for me to float in the ocean again. I have the answer. Sitting in one place using their silica glass spicules. Oh, whoops. Sorry. To filter vast amounts of water for bacteria and plankton. So they're filtering. They're living fossils. They can live forever and ever and ever. Show me the video of the glass sponge. I'd love to take a look. You know, this is the thing about this show. Is it a poop fart show? Yeah, but do you learn? You sure do. I sure do. You sure do.

21:21Andrew Santino:Acorns. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. Acorns is easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money, even if all you've got is spare change.

21:32Bobby Lee:Well, here's the deal. All of us are trying to prepare for the future. You want to save a little bit, whether it's, you know, for school, for a car, for family, for something that you've always wanted, or just for life. And Acorn grows with you. Whether you're just starting out or thinking about settling down, Acorns supports your big and small goals across every life stage.

21:49Andrew Santino:Acorns is all in one. No more finance apps cluttering up your phone. With Acorns, you can invest, save, and give your money a chance to grow in one trusted place.

21:57Bobby Lee:And the Acorns Potential screen shows you the power of compounding and how your money could grow over time. Plus, you can quickly adjust how much you're investing every day, every week, or month to make sure you're building towards your goals. You should be doing this. Why not try it out with Acorns?

22:10Andrew Santino:Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a$5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over$27 billion with Acorns.

22:44Andrew Santino:Shopify! Hey guys, if you have an online business like we do here at Bad Friends, then you got to use Shopify. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style.

22:59Bobby Lee:Here's the best part. You can accelerate your efficiency, whether you're just uploading new products or you're trying to improve existing ones like we do. We try to update through time with different shirts that we're selling to you guys or merch that you guys are looking to buy. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions. They page headlines and they even enhance your product photography so we can take beautiful photos, show you guys what we're trying to give you as bad friends listeners.

23:21Andrew Santino:And some people ask you, wow, why haven't you heard about my brand? Shopping by helps you find customers with easy to run email and social media campaigns.

23:29Bobby Lee:They got award winning 24-7 customer support. And also we talk about it all the time. Purple button. We'll shop pay button, baby. That button is used by millions of businesses around the world. It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. and it helps you boost conversions, meaning less carts are going to go abandoned and way more sales for you.

23:45Andrew Santino:It's time to turn those what ifs into cha-ching with Shopify today.

23:49Bobby Lee:Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash badfriends. That is shopify.com slash badfriends. Shopify.com slash badfriends. Your tax refund just got a massive glow up. It's time to rev up your refund at Toyota of downtown Chicago. Toyota downtown Chicago is doubling your tax refund down payment up to$2 ,500. plus stack those savings with financing as low as 3.99 % APR for up to 72 months. Don't just spend your refund, upgrade your entire vibe. See Toyota of downtown Chicago today or shop now at DTToyotaChicago.com. For well-qualified buyers, see dealer for details. Offer expires April 30th, 2026.

24:29Bobby Lee:Maybe this thing. Okay. Okay. Which is film porifera. Is this fancy? Did he do this? That's my previous job. They're actually beautiful.

24:43Andrew Santino:Dude. Is he a deer? They're Asian and white. The only two colors back then. That's us. We started it all. We're sponges.

24:52Bobby Lee:Dude, we started it all, Asians and whites. And you know why they're so pretty? You know why, Bob? Yeah, why? Because they're untouched.

24:57Andrew Santino:Right.

24:57Bobby Lee:Because no one's fucking with them. That's why they're pretty.

24:59Andrew Santino:I want to kill one. Okay.

25:02Bobby Lee:Strange life. Survival in the dark depths. Oh, look at that. The beautiful geometric shapes they get to form into. The silica structures are so well formed that they can transmit light similar to fiber optics. Amazing.

25:13Andrew Santino:Yeah, but here's my argument against this.

25:15Bobby Lee:Yeah, let's find something negative.

25:17Andrew Santino:I'll say, well, because the difference between that and obviously the Greenland shark is there's no consciousness. It doesn't have a brain, per se. As far as you know. But it doesn't like, you know what I mean, it doesn't have thoughts like, you know what I mean, you know what I mean? Why did dad leave?

25:35Andrew Santino:where did all my friends go yeah yeah or you know i mean or you know i mean god gas prices are so high i mean they don't have thoughts and he's like well they are doing we saw what they're doing to iran yeah yeah yeah i mean there's no right so they're not on twitter i get a greenland shark you know i mean i don't know what they're thinking about probably food first food for 400 years yeah yeah it's the second coachella tickets no i'm kidding that's

25:55Bobby Lee:you think they got backstage what the greenland sharks got backstage passes you think so that's

25:59Andrew Santino:It's like one Greenland shark watching Harry Styles.

26:04Andrew Santino:He's just popping. No, so I mean, Greenland shark has a brain and is right. Hunting in the dark. They don't have brains, Greenland sharks? All they do is hunt all day. And they have brains, right? So they have thoughts. They don't think much though. Only instinct. How do you know? It says.

26:17Bobby Lee:They're instinct. They're living purely by instinct, focusing on slow motion, scavenging, opportunistic hunting in the dark. But that every day is a new day to hunt. So it must be fascinating to them because they're approaching new shit all the time. They don't stay in the same place. Do they stay in the same area? Don't they? Far and wide. Swimmers of their size. They have stealth mode. Stealth mode.

26:37Andrew Santino:But also this, right? It's like they have to know what to eat and what not to eat. So they don't. They eat everything. You don't have to know. Garbage disposal. It's just like, you know what I mean? A diet Pepsi can, aluminum can to eat. I mean. That's what instinct is. You don't have to know it. They literally say. So that's not a thought process. Listen. That's an instinct. Yeah. Okay.

26:54Bobby Lee:Despite being apex predators, they're primarily scavengers or garbage disposals with diets that includes seals, polar bears, reindeer, anything. They'll eat anything. They'll eat fucking anything. Reindeer? Yeah. Reindeer. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does it say reindeer? Right there. Right, I just... Yeah, yeah, go... Reindeer.

27:14Andrew Santino:Reindeer! Santa's after, you know... Oh, he crashes into the ocean, right? And then Greenland sharks are like, yeah, yeah. It's like, ho, ho, ho. Very good.

27:25Bobby Lee:Every year he kills them.

27:26Andrew Santino:every 300 years he does this right and he just eats one huh what the fuck is that that lives on most greenland sharks they just don't care because oh on their eyeballs right they yeah they i saw a documentary where they live on the eyeball so they can't even see

27:44Bobby Lee:omatokoida omatokaida yeah omatokaida is a monotopic genius of corpops the soul species being however the specimen has been found on the skin of the great lantern shark which has been assigned to the genus but not the species but they live in the eyeball that's amazing yeah that's how much a greenland shark yeah both eyes so the greenland shark can't see

28:06Andrew Santino:you mean because they got little dudes on their eyes just clean it out well they have no arms that's the problem they don't have arms oh dude no what's going on down there yeah they can't wave or anything well what if one shark they can't even wave to their friends like one shark what's up dude i haven't seen you in 300 years hey dude i haven't seen you in 350 years where have you been dude oh it was over there he says

28:29Bobby Lee:there they could blow bubbles what if they blew bubbles right on the parasites and got it out of

28:33Andrew Santino:there then they can't do it go i mean i would rub it against like a rock or something can you do that yeah just gently rub it against a rock but i guess they don't even know how to do that yeah they're dumb they run on instinct yeah they just don't know you have a brain though yeah wouldn't the brain tell them to rub their eye no no because it's like you know you don't it's so dark down there who gives a fuck that's what google said yeah yeah yeah yeah it's so dark down there you could have whatever on your eyes it doesn't matter i mean you could put peanut butter on your eye doesn't even matter you know they do have peanut butter down i know they do a lot yeah but you can do whatever with your eyes you know i mean they can be asian down there they don't no they are Asian Greenland shark Asian Greenland shark They live forever Oh look at that

29:22Bobby Lee:He's eating udon right there

29:23Andrew Santino:Let me ask you Don't google it yet What's the apex predator in the ocean Probably The one that no one fucks with The killer whale That's it dude No one can bind you The killer whale isn't that the whole can bind him or banish can't be bound yeah can't be bound can't put me in a freezer yeah can't put me in a freezer but yes it's the orca it's the orca yeah killer whale

29:48Bobby Lee:killer whale dude those guys are insane but not as cool as a sperm whale which gets up to the size

29:52Andrew Santino:of like you know three school buses or whatever yeah but or have you seen orca pop his head out and look at you no yeah i've never had it look at me well i mean me either i said just on youtube but i'm just saying they do it they'll just pop up right with their one eye and look at you to see if it's something that they want to eat.

30:10Bobby Lee:Ooh, fuck.

30:11Andrew Santino:You know what I mean? And then they go, nah, you know what I mean? And then they pop back down.

30:15Bobby Lee:Can you imagine being eaten by one of those things?

30:17Andrew Santino:Oh, yeah.

30:18Bobby Lee:Because sharks bite, but they don't always consume. These things eat you whole.

30:21Andrew Santino:Yeah. They're not saying hello there. They're going, should I eat you?

30:24Bobby Lee:I'm going to eat you.

30:25Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah.

30:26Bobby Lee:How many people get eaten by orcas every year? Not a lot.

30:29Andrew Santino:No? Let's guess, let's guess, let's guess before. Seven. You think so? Yeah. I'm going to go 16.

30:34Bobby Lee:Ooh, okay, all right. Orcas kill zero people a year in the wild. No documented cases? Wow, they don't like us. We don't taste good. Wait a minute, for sure I feel like we've heard a story where someone's been eaten by, while orcas are powerful apex predators, they do not view humans as prey.

30:51Andrew Santino:We only taste good to Jeffrey Dahmer. That's the only apex predator that we taste good. Been just sitting in the ocean for a long time.

30:58Bobby Lee:Waiting for you to take a swim. There have been no confirmed records of wild orcas killing a human. Not even researchers that are in the wrong place, wrong time. how many how many people are killed by polar bears every year let's guess one it's got to be more than that because researchers get killed on act i'm saying five between 1870 and 2014 there were 73 confirmed polar bear attacks resulting in 20 human deaths in all that time yeah it's not a lot yeah it's not a lot it's not a lot yeah it's not a lot so it's probably less than one percent wise how about dogs how many people die by dogs every year oh my god that one's got to be high

31:34Andrew Santino:guess guess guess

31:38Bobby Lee:like 100

31:39Andrew Santino:no I'll say 1200

31:40Bobby Lee:holy shit that's a lot 30 to 50 I was right

31:45Andrew Santino:that's just US in the world we said

31:47Bobby Lee:25 ,000 to 30 ,000 human deaths annually worldwide

31:51Andrew Santino:I was closer

31:52Bobby Lee:we were way off the majority of these fatalities are caused by rabies virus people that get we're talking about like mauling death is way less yeah way less india accounts for a significant portion of these deaths where high populations of stray dogs contribute to the risk right those videos you see there's just dogs literally there's like every human there's another dog next to them yeah dingoes uh

32:18Andrew Santino:probably kill people too they don't it's a lie dingoes don't no that was like an old weird you know the dingo ate your baby's a falsity okay the dingoes are just like small dogs oh they are yeah

32:26Bobby Lee:they're little little tiny you didn't see one when we were over there and i started with dingo god I love dingoes I love me dingo you're going back to Australia are you excited you're going to go see our boys Brad and Shrimp

32:38Andrew Santino:yeah I can't wait

32:40Bobby Lee:it's going to be fun down there

32:41Andrew Santino:um well that's all animal talk well no I mean because I've been instead of the war I've been trying to get my algorithm to change to more

32:54Bobby Lee:animal I've only been watching war

32:55Andrew Santino:I'm trying to do more animal around the world so it's like you know trying to change my algorithm on my TikTok because it depresses me.

33:04Bobby Lee:Open up your TikTok right now. What's the first video that you have up there?

33:07Andrew Santino:I don't want to.

33:09Bobby Lee:All right, what's your... I want to see what my algorithm is. Sean Penn and Zach Alfinakis. It's rent-free in my mind. I'm going to be 37 this year. And I like to think about when my parents were 37. Stuff like that. Yeah, sick of Greenland shark on her. Yeah. Let me just... Yeah, I'll open up and let me hear what this says then. Yeah, just hear it. Ready? Yeah. Just here and I'll see.

33:34Bobby Lee:Oh, it's a guy jumping off of a cliff skydiving.

33:37Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah. We're in LA trying supposedly the best shawarma in the city. Kill yourself. Everything is... Kill yourself. Jesus Christ. Whenever you hear those like TikToks, I go. And I never... I disagree. Every time I disagree. I've never went, yeah, that guy was right. This is the best burrito. No, it's never happened.

33:56Bobby Lee:Well, that's like, I saw one today that was boiled hamburgers from 1903. And like, they live, you know, I was like doing an advertisement for this place. And Pete's, that's it, boiled hamburgers in Wisconsin. And look at the video of them boiling a hamburger. This guy can't even explain. That's not it. I wish that was the video. The guy can't even explain. They were like, what do they taste like? And he's like, well, good. He couldn't even tell you.

34:22Andrew Santino:Yeah.

34:23Bobby Lee:Boiled hamburgers. Oh my God, that sounds soggy. So soggy. Oh my god. There it is right there. No, thank you. Do that one. Celebrating down. Celebrating 115 years of boiled. Yeah, this is the guy.

34:33Andrew Santino:This guy right here? No, no, no.

34:34Bobby Lee:That's the new guy.

34:36Andrew Santino:He looks like a boiled hamburger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

34:39Bobby Lee:Look at that. They pour water on him the whole time.

34:43Andrew Santino:Oh, what you're saying is they don't boil the bun. They boil the burger. I thought you thought a hamburger. No, no, stop. Push pause, okay? Boil the bun? You just lied. What? You lied. What are you talking about? A hamburger is with the bun as well. So you're saying they boil the patty? Yes, that's the part. Well, then just say patty. They also don't boil the cheese or the lettuce. That's what I thought, though. Well, then that's not a hamburger. Are you the dumbest guy alive? No, no. Are you a liar?

35:18Bobby Lee:When I just said it's called a boiled hamburger.

35:21Andrew Santino:That's what it's called. Okay, now I'm getting the context of it. So the meat. I'm sorry. I'm tired. Don't even. No, no, you don't. Don't try to like

35:28Bobby Lee:backtrack.

35:29Andrew Santino:I'm not backtracking out of it, dude. I need to defend my fucking life here, dude. Please. All right. It's just in my mind, it's like they boil the hamburger. Now, in my mind, you envision a hamburger, right? Which is just, let me finish. You envision a hamburger fully cooked. Let me finish. Let me finish. And then they boiled it? Yeah, yeah. So they put the fucking bread down. That's how you thought about it. Then the meat, right? Then onions, cheese, you know what I mean? Relish, ketchup, right? Rice. More bread, right? And then they boiled the whole thing. That's what you thought of boiling in my mind i'm like it's so soggy oh my god so if they boil the meat that

36:02Bobby Lee:doesn't sound that bad it looks look at it that looks disgusting okay sloppy it looks like a it looks like i mean it's better than boiling the whole thing yeah yeah shouldn't boil the whole thing so good yeah press play watch him smash it in the water okay i mean it's it's ludicrous is that dumb of me really yes I don't think so look at that press play smashing it in the water that looks disgusting

36:35Andrew Santino:oh god dude can you push pause for a second please can I defend this can I still try to defend it sure wiggle your way out of this one sometimes because this is 115 years he's been doing it right did I not say that Okay, so sometimes this. All right, just listen to my logic, please. Yeah. Before you like mock me and laugh. I already laughed. All right, so because if you do, your name gets back into the freezer. All right, I will try to banish you again, dude. Where's mine? Anyway. Expelleous Asianus. All right, so just listen to my theory here. Sometimes you have to think about it in context. Okay.

37:14It's everything.

37:15Andrew Santino:It's everything, right? So it's like, you know, people go, you know, like music from the 60s, right? I put it in context. Like, this is the beginning of, you know what I mean, stages of rock and roll, you know what I mean? And so when you're listening to it, you listen to it with that context, right? It's not as well produced as like a Harry Styles album, for instance, or whatever, right? So it's like when you go to Felipe's downtown. Love. Great, right, great, right? But you put in the context that this has been around for so long and they haven't really changed their menu that much. So you eat it with that context like oh my god, this is like, you know, I mean the same as it was in the 40s And it's cool.

37:52Bobby Lee:Greenland shark might have had this

37:54Andrew Santino:Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, or those clams Yeah, so what I'm saying is these boiled hamburgers is the same thing. It's like a nostalgia thing It's a context thing. Oh, yeah, you and I when they boil bread back then

38:13Andrew Santino:I just, you know. All right.

38:20Bobby Lee:He thought they made the cheeseburger and then they boiled it.

38:25Andrew Santino:It's insane. I know. I know. Now, all right, now, okay. Now that I think of it.

38:32Bobby Lee:By the way, I agreed with him when he goes, it's got to be soggy. I go, yeah, I'm thinking, yeah, the meat's got to be soggy. He's like, no, the whole thing is saying. And you know what, bad friends at home? Somebody please make a boiled hamburger and send us a video of you boiling an entire hamburger and send it to carlosinthebooth.gmail.com.

38:51Andrew Santino:Anyway, we, you know, went to Laurie's. Laurie's?

38:58Bobby Lee:You said it like a southern black man. Went down to Laurie's. You know me and Laurie's. I love Laurie's.

39:07Andrew Santino:Have you been to Lowry's? Lowry's? Yeah. Yeah. Lowry's. Have you been there?

39:11Bobby Lee:Oh, I been.

39:12Andrew Santino:Yeah. So do you know what Lowry's is? Right? Have you ever had the seasoned salt Lowry's?

39:19Bobby Lee:Lowry's seasoning salt.

39:20Andrew Santino:You know that, right? They have a restaurant. So the same year, check out this information. Lowry's. The same year that they developed the salt, the guy that invented the salt opened a restaurant in LA called Lowry's on La Cienega. I can listen to you say it all day. He opened up Lowry's Also this is day 7 of me not smoking cigarettes Wow So weak Of no smoking

39:46Bobby Lee:I'm so proud of you

39:48Andrew Santino:But wait you went to Lowry's

39:51Bobby Lee:Like Kyle Lowry

39:52Andrew Santino:Yeah yeah went to Lowry Who that Kyle Lowry's Went to Lowry's and she's like She goes You know the tin Explain it then I've been to Lowry's The tin When I say tin, what do you mean? The tin. What does it mean?

40:10Bobby Lee:When they cart out the tin. Yeah, yes.

40:12Andrew Santino:Yeah. Yes, exactly.

40:13Bobby Lee:I've been there. So you know what you're talking about. I've been there. I told you four times. Okay, I'm sorry. By the way, I've been there and then I never went back.

40:21Andrew Santino:I don't like it. I like it. You do? Dude, it's also 60 % Asians that go there. Well, that's why I don't go. Yeah, we love it. Yeah.

40:29Bobby Lee:Once a race takes over a place, I'm out. Okay, well, that's crazy. I want it diverse. Okay. so anyway we go to Laurie's you like that I backed right into it

40:38Andrew Santino:right back in wiggled my way out you wiggled your way out escape room

40:41Bobby Lee:racial escape room yeah I don't like it when there's too many Asians because I like it more diverse alright let them out

40:47Andrew Santino:so when you right normally when you go to any restaurant right you know you order your prime rib sure right and it just appears from the back of the kitchen right somebody prepares it somebody boils it back yeah boils it back there

41:07Andrew Santino:somebody boils up that prime rib go ahead okay in terms of wet bread this is a good a good example what about yorkshire pudding that's a wet bread yeah it's not our thing i know i'm just saying so in my mind boiled hamburger you mean it doesn't sound that preposterous i'm going home tonight and i'm boiling okay let's let it go all right you're at laurie's so we're at laurie's and and And she goes, and what happens is you order your prime rib, and there's different cuts that you can get. That's right. There's a California cut. Right. There's a regular cut. I get the Tokyo cut. Of course. Yeah, because it's small.

41:41Andrew Santino:It's a smaller purchase. Catering to their audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you order your cut and also your sides, and they bring a little tin cart. And they bind your feet. No, they don't. They don't bind your feet. So they come with a tin cart, right? They open it up, right? And they slice it in front of you.

41:57Bobby Lee:Right in front of your face. Right.

41:58Andrew Santino:And they pour all the sides in front of you. A lot of juices. A lot of juices, right? They juice the fuck out of it, right? And you get your crick pudding. Yeah, you do. Right, which is a wet bread. Wet bread. It's a wet bread. Yeah, it's a boiled bread. It's boiled bread. And then she goes, why do they do it like this? I go, it's the nostalgia of it. Yeah. They've been doing it like this since, like, whatever, the 40s and stuff. And that's why Asian people like it, because there's some elegance to it. It's also reminiscent of the past. it kind of reminds you of the shining ballroom in the movie the shining you know i mean that kind of a vibe you know i mean gigantic chandeliers kind of gaudy a little bit opulent but also dark and it's a really cool place and the food's great it's good yeah it's yeah and it's like but it's the it's the the ritual of it right so when you said boiled hamburgers you thought about loud no i'm just saying to me it's like you know you know if they've been if they've been doing it whatever this region of this country for 115 years that way it was wisconsin

43:01Bobby Lee:yeah can you imagine this is the longest uh this is the longest a rebuttal yeah like a court case the judge would be like sir sir sir yeah it's we're throwing the case out i'm sorry i'm sorry

43:10Andrew Santino:no it was very good though i think that the reason why have we talked about me quitting smoking it or no last time go ahead just let's hear it but why i quit because it's gonna kill you that's not Why? Good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is why. That is why. Yeah, yeah, that is why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. Oh, the black spit. Yeah, the spit. No, no, no. The reason why I quit smoking is because Remy died. My dog. Lung cancer. No, you're not. You're not. You're not. Hey, man, dog. In a classroom of sodas, most stay quiet. Then there's Mr. Pibb. Sweet cherry, bold outbursts. The kind of flavor that gets attention.

43:47Andrew Santino:Bold kick of cherry. Hey, yo, Mr. Pibb.

43:50Bobby Lee:Find the family fun you're looking for in Missouri. Whether your crew is searching for this, up for something more like this, seeking adventure like this,

44:03Andrew Santino:or just really, really need something more like this, your family will find the perfect vacation in Missouri. Missouri, it's the getaway that gets... All of you. Plan your family fun at visitmo.com.

44:22Bobby Lee:Spring Fest is heating up at Lowe's and for a limited time we have the extra big deals you need to impress guests. Get your outdoor space ready and save$50 on the select Cobalt 24-volt blower kit. Now$79. Plus, save$80 on the Char-Broil Performance 4-Burner Grill. Now$199. It's springtime and our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 413. While supplies last, selection varies by location.

44:55Andrew Santino:Go down to the coffee store I'll be out here smoking and shit Let's have a stick together before we go to the coffee store No that's not what happened You have a fucking lung cancer

45:04Bobby Lee:Your dog has stage 4 lung cancer How many packs is he smoking a day

45:08Andrew Santino:But anyway Hey man

45:13Bobby Lee:That little Brad William There go that Brad William What's up man Go that Brad William We thought we'd bring in your furniture from home Make you feel comfortable Yeah yeah yeah

45:27I like it I sat in a blue chair in case we're doing a gender reveal Yeah Alright some stuff

45:33Andrew Santino:This is a boiled hamburger

45:37Bobby Lee:So we've got this stuff Carlos brought us this stuff Carlos why did you bring us this What is this for So you can see what it's like to be like Brad Oh So this is what it's like for a toothbrush Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So then, man. Wow.

45:53Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah. It's tough, isn't it? Yeah, it's tough. Ends are big. I realize how tough it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can still write with this. Well, but you got to use a toothbrush with two hands. Oh, I see. I see. A really hard scrub. That's the only way it works. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. This is how they polish the pyramids. Remember back in the day? Dwarves didn't. Yeah, I wasn't there, but I'm just saying. Wait, dwarves didn't do that? No, we didn't polish. There was one dwarf that worked on the pyramid. The top one, they send you up there, no?

46:23Bobby Lee:Someone tells me the dwarf was at the bottom.

46:25Andrew Santino:They were like, yeah, get the bottom. Get the stuff we can get down there. Yeah, but you can lift him to the top to put the little, you know what I mean, the temple part at the top of a pyramid. If you see a dwarf window washer, he's not doing the top. No, he's on the bottom. He's on the bottom. Oh, you're on the bottom? Yeah. I'm just saying you could be on the top. I've always been a power bottom, Bobby. You know this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On top is fun for you. Is top fun? for window washing or sex? What are we talking about now? Have you ever been to Jimmy Ouz? Wait, what? Jimmy Ouz. Jimmy Yow?

46:55Oh, A-U-S.

46:57Bobby Lee:It's for men 5 '8 and under. Because that's where I get my suits. That's where he gets his suits. At Jimmy Ouz. I didn't know this was a real place. This was never discussed in the meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

47:08Andrew Santino:I would like to highly recommend Jimmy Ouz. He would love you. I'm going to have to go there. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. I go there all the time. So, like, I will walk into Jimmy Ouz and just be like, wow, I have a challenge for you guys. Yeah. You say five foot eight and under. Let's hit the under. No, they have it all. They do. They have it all? Yeah. They do. They have it all there. My dwarf ass?

47:26Bobby Lee:Yeah. Go to Jimmy Owens, dude. They have a section called Your Dwarf Ass in the back of Jimmy Owens. Yeah. We already plugged this guy so much, we're giving him good business. I know. I mean, now he's going to get all my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Dinklage goes?

47:40Andrew Santino:He hates Dinklage, don't you? I know, I know. I know you do. Arch nemesis. I can't. But you're not going to go at the same time. You guys have, like, you know what I mean, a schedule? Aren't you guys on an app? Yeah, an app where it's like, we can't be here at the same time. Two dwarves can't be at the same time. Because there's only one section for you people, right? So that's a lot of traffic. Isn't there, like, an iDwarf app? You have to make an appointment, you know what I mean, of, like, when dwarves can come in.

48:01Bobby Lee:Yeah. Okay, so what's your... Wait, wait, wait. Go ahead. The dwarf app actually is the same as the car app, Lyft. Lyft. Very good. What store has the best dwarf clothing? Oh, the best dwarf clothing. Yeah. Like Brad's going to go shopping today.

48:20Andrew Santino:Aside from Gap's kids. Yeah. Yeah. Frodo's. What called Frodo's? Let me tell you. He can't get - Let me tell you. Dude, that's a great clothing. Frodo's. Frodo's, dude. Yeah, Baggins. Or the Shire, whatever you want to do. Let me tell you. I think that's a good clothing business. I will tell you where the best clothes are

48:45Bobby Lee:It's at Plantain Republic Yeah You guys

48:57Plantain Republic

48:59Andrew Santino:Well done I will say The selection At Build-A-Bear

49:12it's so great i knew it was coming it's so great yeah i could be an astronaut yeah yeah i could be a dancer that's so funny i can get whatever i want there and then we can put a little button in you so you have somebody's voice inside your stomach yeah i finally have a heartbeat yeah you

49:26Andrew Santino:don't have hearts no but where because remember the other day you were at the store a couple months ago and i was like where'd you get that jacket it's dope yeah no build a bear I did ask him that Why'd you laugh at that

49:39Bobby Lee:They're not for you I know

49:43Andrew Santino:That's why Bobby asked I liked your fit that night So I was asking Where do you get I go where'd you get all that And you explained to me That shirt is great

49:58Bobby Lee:Where's that shirt from This shirt is from a Kids bowling team that's dope and i just jumped i just jumped him after a match imagine i know what it was i could

50:09Andrew Santino:take him it was the pants oh the pants you remember the pants you go and you and you bought a bunch of those yes yeah so that's what it was yes yeah if you find something that's good see i do that

50:19Bobby Lee:anyway if i find something i like yeah mine is a bunch of them let's go yeah that's what you do i buy in all the you have to why if i like it it fits because i don't like how certain jeans fit or pants i'm like i'm just gonna buy a few of these because you have the opposite problem of You have like long legs, but then no ass. I got a nice ass. It's no ass. No ass. You're out of your fucking mind. Are you kidding me? That is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're bending over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really good ass. You're sticking it out. That's a really good ass, dude. That's booty. Yeah, but now the pants are pushing it up.

50:48What about mine? What about mine? All right, hold on. Let me judge.

50:51Bobby Lee:You asked for it. I asked for it? No, it stands straight up. Look at it now. Look at my ass. Okay. You know what? You know what? Brother, I got a great shitter. You're out of your mind I stand corrected I have a nice shitter I stand corrected Only hair at the bottom Yeah How'd you do that? Well look at this Look inside Yeah yeah It's so pink

51:09Andrew Santino:Dude you have the pinkest asshole

51:10Bobby Lee:I've ever seen I know It's so pink I won an award in 06 You definitely have a virgin asshole

51:16Andrew Santino:I do brother It's like a piglets asshole This guy

51:19Bobby Lee:I just never been touched It's never been touched

51:20Andrew Santino:It's never been abused That's not what I'm saying The color has nothing to do About asshole abuse

51:24Bobby Lee:Oh it has a lot to do with Oh really? Yours is darkest night I know It's not like a black eye

51:30Andrew Santino:Somebody's punching my fucking asshole I'm just ethnic They're punching him with their wiener No they're not dude No they're not It's not black eye The dude who lives in your asshole Is the Greenland shark down there Who has a darker asshole The Greenland shark or me By far you Okay I literally You have the pinkest asshole I have ever seen It's so pink It's insane Do you shit out your mouth Because there's no way Shit comes out your asshole Brad you're a genius You must shit out your mouth You've seen what I do on stage

52:00Bobby Lee:Yes I do shit out of my mouth Are you a little bisexual or no? No I've had a I've had a male Male female threesome Yeah the devil's threesome Yeah devil's three Yeah I've heard of that That move Devil's two and a half It was a lot of fun We didn't do an Eiffel Tower We did a leading tower of Pisa

52:28It was a tall guy and me So I've done that

52:32Andrew Santino:I don't know where that put me But did you touch the guy at all Yeah but it was accidental There was always accidental rubbing We had to switch positions at one point I'm going to just tell you right now If I ever had sex with you and another girl I would be laughing so fucking hard I would not be able to get hard dude. You know how funny that'd be? Oh my god. Oh my god. You would be hearing the sound of Mario getting a coin every time I thrust it.

53:07Oh my god dude. Oh my god.

53:09Andrew Santino:That'd be so funny dude. How, alright, how scared would you be if you were having a threesome and the other male was a dwarf of the male having the bigger dick than you? because that that's why i gotta give this guy props that had the three swim with me yeah because like he was very confident and then it turned out i found out why but uh yeah yeah can i ask you a serious question if i may because we're fucking around yeah yeah yeah but you know i mean i want to ask him a serious question of course i told you think as a comic like sometimes i think you know like the reason why you know i had the upper hand in comedy was because i'm a smaller or a Korean dude, and it looked the way that I do, which sets me apart from other people.

53:50Andrew Santino:Do you think that the dwarfism helped you in your comedy? Oh, at first it helped, and then later it hurt. What do you mean? Because at first it helped because -

54:01Bobby Lee:Well, because of his joints, I mean, they're really - It's hard. I had to walk a long way. Those comedy stools on stage are high. You know how high the stage is? Oh my God, I had to get a Sherpa for those things. Yeah, yeah. They had to make one of those. Get him up on stage. Go ahead. So it helped at first. Yeah. Because then for the exact reasons that you described, that people wanted something different on the show. They didn't want to just your average straight white male, like just a straight redheaded white guy. Like that's so boring. Yeah. That's just so horrible and boring, even if they do have a nice hat.

54:32Andrew Santino:Because I believe that it was harder for you. Let them finish. Yeah. We'll get to it. And then, so that got me on shows. But then it was harder to get past the threshold of people think I was a gimmick. and people to actually like pass me on to the next stage of like oh no but he's he's actually funny like yeah actually funny yeah i don't know dude i think that's your own head saying that because it's like you know i mean there's a lot of space there's a lot of space yeah that's an echo oh okay yeah that's a big old head yeah when i was on the cruise when i was performing i thought to myself brad you would have just disappeared because he was shaking back and forth oh my god I love you and me and gone to the other side Dude I love comedy on cruises Fun right?

55:11When it's a theme cruise Did you do the Joker's one or the Burt's cruise? No I did the Workaholics guys Oh yeah That was really fun It was me, Swartz and it was so much fun That's so cool I do the Chris Jericho rock and wrestling rager at sea Wow So that's pro wrestling, comedy and heavy metal on a boat Wow

55:31Bobby Lee:Do you get to wrestle? Oh there's clips Oh really? Yeah, there is a clip of me giving Hornswoggle a stone-cold stunner. You can find that. No fucking way. Yeah. Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, he took off your hat? He stole my hat. That son of a bitch. Gives me the finger. Oh, my God. That was the moment when, like, Sonic the Hedgehog gets hit and the coins just fly out of him. Yeah, yeah. Me giving another dwarf a stunner. You got to go down there. it'll take him an hour to get back out. Wow, that sounds so much fun. That was so much fun. So fun. So like, as a wrestling fan, I can tell you like the holy shit chant is like one of the best compliments a wrestler can get.

56:17And we got that just staring at each other. Oh, wow. Wow, wow. I didn't have to go through like a table of thumbtacks or anything like that. Look at that.

56:24Bobby Lee:That's a very holy shit moment. Did you practice that? No. Oh, that's instinctual? Felt it in the moment, man. Yeah, and that's a dwarf on dwarf crime. Okay. wow i'd love one of those stats on dwarf on dwarf crime that's my look at my favorite thing you you did it but it was the same height as before as i'm sitting down it's the same same height bro i have watched dwarves get into actual fights it is so funny really it is so funny i so every summer there's a there's a national dwarf convention oh my god we gotta go we gotta go Where is it? This year it's in Mordor. This year it's in Mordor. That's very good.

57:07This year it's in New Orleans. Oh, wow. We got to go. We got to go. Yeah.

57:11Andrew Santino:Little Rock?

57:15Smallville? Pebbleton. Go back.

57:20Bobby Lee:Go back. The Little People of America at the LPA National Conference is an annual week-long event providing support, education, community for people with autism and their families. That's a fun way of saying boning. Last year was in San Diego Yeah I went to that one So the ticket's half off Stop it dude Minneapolis Minneapolis That's a good one That's a really good one It should not be in Ireland If it's in Ireland we're going to trip some people The fuck out Someone's going to walk out of a pub and go holy shit It's like when the crickets fell from the sky it's happening so click on that thing I want to see this 2026 it's happening in July July it's in New Orleans and then 2027 it's in New York New York wait why can't we go to this if we went

58:17Andrew Santino:would it be weird or no yeah

58:20Bobby Lee:it would be showing off we don't have security guards or anything what if you guys need to grab something from up on a top shelf or something we need you guys

58:30Andrew Santino:But the people that are working there Are not dwarves are there or no I mean yeah it's all Everyone working there is dwarves as well Wow Is the building smaller No it's a regular hotel Which always trips me out Because there's people staying in this hotel That don't know there's a dwarf convention going on When they book it and they just show up

58:52Bobby Lee:Some guy on a sales trip The marquee walks out of the bar They're in the lobby he's like fuck Could you imagine if you did drugs for like the first time And then you woke up the next day You're surrounded by dwarves Tripping on mushrooms I'd be like holy shit I fell into Narnia

59:13Andrew Santino:So how many people go to this convention? Over a thousand Right so that's like 300 regular people A thousand little people go every single year

59:21Bobby Lee:And now is this raising money for anything at all? Yeah So it's a charity

59:25Andrew Santino:What does that stand for LPA? Little People of America Oh, there is an organization. Yeah. Little people of America. LPs in America. Wow.

59:37Bobby Lee:Yeah. Amazing. Now, this is actually, let's be honest. This is similar to summer camps and all that stuff. This is just a hookup convention for young single. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. You go all year and you're friend zoned and then you go to a dwarf convention and you're hot as fuck. That's pretty cool. Wow. And it's awesome. Now, were you getting laid at these when you were single, when you were going to these? bro wait seriously with other dwarves bro really really i've got stories give us a i've got story i've laid i've laid waste to some little women what was the little women to turn you on yeah oh okay you're married to you're married to what do you mean little women turn yeah why is that funny because you acted surprised no i no he inquired no because

1:00:22Andrew Santino:i'll tell you why because i know some asian dudes are attracted to white girls and not not the same it is the same traitors

1:00:29Bobby Lee:no it's not

1:00:30Andrew Santino:they're traitors right

1:00:32Bobby Lee:yeah he's married to a full size Asian woman I understand that I know her he's a traitor he's a traitor

1:00:39Andrew Santino:yeah he's not a traitor you kind of are a traitor a lot of the dwarf women call me a traitor do they really yeah

1:00:46Bobby Lee:that's insane yeah this is very true no what do you mean this is the same as like black guys what like black guys with white girls yeah what's up like black dudes when they're with white girls that doesn't happen hey hey who's the traitor there you're gonna leave him out there yeah go ahead let him fly oh no i don't need help on this because i know it's true okay yeah oh he oh he knows about black

1:01:12Andrew Santino:women complain that black men are he with white girls oh right right yeah yeah oh dude that's what he means i thought he meant he didn't like it oh no no i was like are you good yeah no i

1:01:26Bobby Lee:didn't i didn't read that but you understand that was my boiled hamburger moment yeah yeah but also he didn't but also he doesn't like it but he doesn't like it no yeah let's be honest yeah but but okay how many and these are all you're all a consenting adult how many little people how many little women love that movie how many little women how many little women we should remake it with little women why did they not how is that not how many little women in a weekend it's a weekend uh it's a week it's a full week yeah full week what was the full takedown number of a full week of my how many women did you sleep with of my best year your best year i mean we we hit two hands no way yeah you're talking one or two a day yeah wow wow it was fun wow wow I told you it's a fuck carnival I was fucking Matt Reif at that damn thing It was great You're the Matt Reif of little people The Matt Reif of little people Wow He's doing crowd work No I had a very good time When I was single It was fun

1:02:33Andrew Santino:Who do you find more attractive Little people or Non little people Or reachers or reachers yeah can we call them reachers yeah wait what's our derogatory names reachers what's the other one you call us biggers bigger yeah yeah yeah biggers biggers so what do you find more attractive no i i say hard r okay you have to say big i'll say biggest uh yeah i can say biggers okay okay got it okay don't like you big yeah biggers be crazy so do you prefer biggers Biggas or do you prefer Littlers Littlers Littlers Littlers Lilliputians Lilliputians I'm just learning this It sounds crazy But I truly don't have a preference Oh yeah I truly don't

1:03:20Bobby Lee:Because he's been with both women Yeah

1:03:22Andrew Santino:I've just never had the opportunity To date a little person Come on you're Asian There's plenty

1:03:29Bobby Lee:To many women To many women You are the little person okay

1:03:38Andrew Santino:yeah yeah but you know what i mean though yeah yeah have you had the opportunity like i've never been hit on by a little person or gotta go to the convention man yeah i mean i've never i never have

1:03:48Bobby Lee:that's kind of crazy no i've never been hit on but but because here's the thing every time i've ever seen like a little woman she's with a little man yeah it's it's it's like i've seen many little men in public little men i've seen i don't know slow down i've seen many male dwarfs

1:04:08Andrew Santino:in public without women by like by themselves or in a group but i've almost never seen a dwarf

1:04:15Bobby Lee:woman with a group of other dwarf women in public out on the town why did there needs to be more

1:04:19Andrew Santino:than one do you have a selection i'm just saying what do you call that group they're not m &ms what do i call them yeah it's like a murder at crows i like the green m &ms i mean what's a group in dwarves is it a is it a coaster of dwarves i don't know dude i've never seen a handful look at those girls for a handful i can see like 20 women coming out of a waymo bro there there was one time at a convention where uh there there was there was a group there was a group action going on and there was an orgy yeah of little people having a little people orgy yeah and there was about but that lpos stop it carlos stop it stop it stop it stop it we all slept in the same bed that night but instead we slept like sideways like sardines

1:05:23we fit you fit we fit wow well that's the best thing

1:05:28Bobby Lee:about that convention you guys can all share a room yeah like puppies and stuff yeah like litter do you call it a litter he told you it's called a handful handful handful okay and uh yeah yeah you throw a couple pillows in the bathtub You can fit three more in there. Wow. You're good. So how many people fit on the bed? I want to do the math on this. And this is real? What size bed is it? Wait, wait, wait. It's a king hotel bed. Okay. He's going to tell you what is actually real. Oh, tell me. No jokes. No jokes. No jokes. We always make sure there's either like six or eight of us. Oh, my God. There can't be seven of us.

1:06:08Why? The animals are starting to sing. Yeah, yeah. We do that on purpose This is like a sleeping white girl We will literally look around Be like okay there's six If one guy comes up we're like you can't come in Find another

1:06:25Andrew Santino:Really that's lore then It's a lore thing We don't like it There cannot be seven of us in a room Wow that's so funny Nine's fine though Any none but seven Totally cool because of the movie yeah by the way did you guys see the the results of the razzy awards

1:06:46Bobby Lee:no no uh the cgi dwarf actors oh that's right you want me that won an award which i think is i think that's great fucking fantastic yeah that you know it was uh not actual dwarves playing the dwarves yeah which i know you have a big gripe with are you still mad at that yeah of course i'm still mad that i'm just not on a fucking payday dude yeah yeah all all seven artificial dwarves all the ai cgi dwarves got yeah yeah as we're as we're supporting actor and nicholas cage was up there steven doris greg kinnear and sylvester stallone who's cage with cage for what gunslingers oh i see yeah we yeah seven phones it in seven seven cgi dwarves didn't used to one for we're supporting actor and according to this website uh they took home a joint razzie stealing yet another award that could have gone to a real life dwarf actor.

1:07:37Let me ask you something. I could have won that Razzie.

1:07:39Andrew Santino:Now, if they did use dwarves in the actual movie and you didn't get the part of the seven, would you be mad? Heartbroken. Oh, yeah. That would be heartbreaking. It's like - Being one of the funniest guys on planet Earth and not getting it? Yeah. Right? That would be heartbreaking. It truly would be. Because it's like there's not that many of us doing the acting.

1:07:59Bobby Lee:In the acting space, yeah. Yeah. Like how many in the acting space? I would argue there's too many of you in the non-acting space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta get you down to one profession Probably 20 right I mean you see the same guys At every audition

1:08:13Andrew Santino:So it's like 50-50 getting it for you Probably Who's your like Frederick Douglass Is there a historical figure that you can go back to Absolutely Billy Barty That's what I want to know Look up Billy Barty here Billy Barty he was an actor And he actually founded Little People of America He founded LPA. Wow. So all of those orgies happened because of Billy Barty. Yeah, thank you, Billy Barty. That's your MLK. Yeah. Okay, wow. We should at least get a half day off work. Oh, yeah. For his birthday. I had a dream. You're right. He does a speech. I mean, I'd make fun of you, but that's kind of what he sounded like.

1:08:59Yeah, yeah. Billy Barty. Yeah, so that's our guy.

1:09:03Andrew Santino:Wow that's your guy

1:09:04Bobby Lee:And how long ago did he pass away How long has he been dead Let me see 2000 he died

1:09:10Andrew Santino:So you never met him Oh no I met him You've met Billy Barty Yeah he's a great guy Did you get nervous when you met him No because I didn't really know who he was

1:09:21Bobby Lee:He didn't know his social impact

1:09:23Andrew Santino:At the time you didn't And now I know So you blew off Billy Barty He was in Willow Yeah. I remember him, Willow. Yeah, yeah. He was the sorcerer. It's like the power to control the universe is in what finger? Was he R2-D2 or? No, that was Kenny Baker. Oh, Kenny Baker. I know way too much. Yeah. No, that's good. You know your history. I think that's important. I got to know my history. They gave us a month finally. Yeah. It's more of a pamphlet, not really a whole book.

1:09:53Bobby Lee:So he died at what? What does it say? No. 76. Is that what he was?

1:09:58Andrew Santino:But historically, who's your? Like, do you have a Genghis Khan back then? Oh, like a dwarf. Evil dwarf. Is there an evil dwarf back then, like 200, 300, 400 years? I mean, I think there was one dwarf serial killer. Oh, whoa. This is, dude. I forget his name.

1:10:17Bobby Lee:Well, look at this. There's a couple here. There's Tom Thumb, the original Tom Thumb, Charles Stratton. Yeah. And then there was Count Joseph Borowski, a 3-3 Polish born entertainer, musician, author who was welcomed to European courts, later lived in England. The Ovitz family, family of Jewish entertainers, Romania. Okay, the Ovitz family. If you gave me unlimited power in Hollywood, I make that movie. The Ovitz family. Why, why, why, why? They were a family of Jewish dwarves from Romania, but they were taken to Auschwitz, and they were experimented on, and not all of them survived. Don't do it.

1:10:54Come on. Do it. Don't. Do it, Bobby.

1:10:57Bobby Lee:Don't. It's a hat on a hat. I really don't have a joke for him You don't do it Do it to my face Look at me Remember I have a child Just a little train

1:11:18Stop it

1:11:20Bobby Lee:Is he going to put you guys in a toaster oven Easy bake Easy bake

1:11:25Andrew Santino:You guys are in dog cages Yeah You heard the ding of the Easy Bake You're like ding dwarves are done Oh my god The dwarves of Auschwitz Wow that's so fucked up That's the documentary Dude now I'm No I'm what I asked I'm being real though Can I be real about it They weren't as hungry I knew it Because it's not as if they give you like less bread They give everyone a slice of bread We're sitting there like we're eating good tonight boys You just get like a crouton We gotta starve the dwarves What do we do? Croutons Croutons

1:12:11Bobby Lee:Croutons is a loaf of bread What do you gotta fuck a loaf of bread?

1:12:15Andrew Santino:Did you guys get the same amount of food? I don't know I wasn't there Okay alright That old Yeah yeah yeah Seven dwarves of Auschwitz The fact that there were seven of them

1:12:24Bobby Lee:Seven dwarves of Auschwitz That's the original story That's where it's from That is crazy. Remake that, Disney, and I swear to God, if you CGI people, I'll bite you all.

1:12:36Andrew Santino:That's a cool fucking... They got to make that movie. That's the movie that you should produce. I want to produce it.

1:12:42Bobby Lee:I just don't have enough money right now. No, you got to find the rights to it. Who has the IP of that? Who the hell is John the Dwarf? John the Dwarf, the desert father of early Christianity? Yeah, John the Dwarf. Blame me? A Coptic Desert father. Yeah. All right. And then there was one dwarf I know who was actually the one that actually mapped the inside of the human body. Like one of the first ones. Well, because he could crawl in there. Exactly. Get in there.

1:13:20There it is.

1:13:30make one slice and I'm in there fuck through where? how do you know where the liver is? I've been there I've been there I can tell the tale

1:13:41Andrew Santino:we're so sorry man I feel bad that's not funny dude it's okay it's alright I see him just crawling around he's crawling around

1:14:00Andrew You'd see the lump in the chest Like from Alien In fact That's what the motivation for Alien was That burst out of the chest There are five arteries Around the heart

1:14:14Andrew Santino:There are five arteries around the heart There's five There's four chambers

1:14:19Bobby Lee:Hold on I'm gonna find out how many stomachs we have I'll be right back

1:14:24Andrew Santino:What do you think he's been in there for so long? Brad, come in with a straw.

1:14:30Bobby Lee:Oh, God. Brad, this is why we've been friends for so long. So long. Because we have the most fun. We love you so much. Goddamn, dude. Oh, God. And Brad, by the way, for people that want to know, not just a great guy, a great comedian, has a special out right now. Please go watch it. It's live. Listen to the title of this. You ready? Yeah. It's real. Tell them the name of the title. Live on Short Street It was filmed on Short Street The theater he filmed it at sits on Short Street Wow In Lexington, Kentucky And when does it come out Brad? April 12th April 12th check it out April 12th on my YouTube channel Go to Brad Williams Comedy You can watch it Some might argue it's a short film Amazing Yeah that dude if that ever won like I should make that Seven Dwarves of Auschwitz but make it a short film.

1:15:24Bobby Lee:Oh my God. Just so we can win best short film at the Oscars. That'd be so good. He's a little funny. No, he's very funny. Go see the man live right now.

1:15:35Andrew Santino:Brad, look at him and say thank you for being a bad friend. Hey, everybody. Thank you for being a bad friend. Wow.

1:15:42Bobby Lee:So good.

1:15:52Woo-hoo. Yeah. Woo-hoo. Yeah.

1:16:06Chicago knows Ford. At Mercado Ford Chicago, we are Chicago.

1:16:11Andrew Santino:You'll find over 400 new and pre-owned vehicles, giving you one of the largest Ford inventories in Chicagoland. From hardworking trucks to everyday commuters, We've got the Ford built for your life. And when it's time for service, our mobile service brings certified Ford care straight to you on your schedule. Murgato Ford Chicago. We are Chicago. Visit MurgatoFordChicago.com.