Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams

3:35Andrew Santino:Lubbock.

3:36Bobby Lee:Texas.

3:36Andrew Santino:Very good.

3:40Bobby Lee:Zizix.

3:41Andrew Santino:Zizix?

3:42Bobby Lee:Zizix.

3:43Andrew Santino:London. England.

3:44Bobby Lee:No, that's here.

3:45Andrew Santino:Zizix?

3:45Bobby Lee:What's it? It's X, X, Y, X, X. Zizix.

3:48Andrew Santino:Oh, that's a good one. You've seen it.

3:49Bobby Lee:It's in the desert.

3:50Andrew Santino:I saw it in the desert once. Zizek's. Zizek's. But that's a road, not a city. I think it's a city. Yeah.

3:56Bobby Lee:It's a city. Zizek's, formerly Soda Springs, is an unincorporated town in San Bernardino County. By the way, I heard it was a developmental town for a rehab clinic, and it never took off.

4:05Andrew Santino:Funtang.

4:06Bobby Lee:That's got to be China. Yeah, I made it up. Funtang? Yeah, it can be anywhere. Sounds like a Chinese town. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:12Andrew Santino:That was my nickname in high school.

4:13Bobby Lee:Welcome to Funtang. That was your nickname in high school, Funtang?

4:17Andrew Santino:All right. Well, I know something. Look, you know a lot of things. All right. Give me a random thing that maybe you might not think that I know.

4:23Bobby Lee:How about like give me the name of the first album released. Oh, my God.

4:32Andrew Santino:I panic already.

4:33Bobby Lee:You know music so well. Yeah, I don't know. Give me the first album released by... I'm trying to think of something. What? Talking Heads.

4:43Andrew Santino:Talking Heads, 1977. Perfect.

4:45Bobby Lee:See, you know a lot of stuff. I mean, you have to lead me to it. We'll get there.

4:50Andrew Santino:How about Metallica's first album?

4:53Bobby Lee:Oh, that's good. I don't know. What is it?

4:55Andrew Santino:Kill Em All, I think.

4:55Bobby Lee:Was that the first album?

4:56Andrew Santino:Kill Em All?

4:58Bobby Lee:Ron McGovney 82 Garage Demo. Kill Em All. Full album. Boom. Thank you. Got it. Thank the Lord. You know a lot of stuff, dude.

5:05Andrew Santino:Did you know anything? Richie, did you know any of those?

5:08Bobby Lee:No, I didn't know anything. I know what you'll know.

5:10Andrew Santino:What was R.E.M.'s first album? Look at your face. Come on. You know this.

5:17Bobby Lee:Losing your religion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one.

5:20Andrew Santino:That's the one? Yeah, that's not the first album. That's not the first? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

5:22Bobby Lee:Richie, are you wearing a sweater? I am wearing a sweater. It's like 94 outside.

5:26Andrew Santino:But doesn't he look like a college rock band bassist?

5:28Bobby Lee:He looks like a guy who's tinkering away with microchips in a basement. Oh, okay. And we don't know if he's on our team or against us yet.

5:35Andrew Santino:I think he looked like Mike Mills from the REM.

5:37Bobby Lee:By the way, Richie looks like every guy from a band in the 90s. Yeah. Every band. Oh, yeah, you kind of do look like him, dude. You're that type of white. Do you think I could rock those shades? No. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you can't even rock the glasses you're wearing right now. I'm actually allergic to them. To glasses? To these glasses. What do you mean you're allergic to them? I just found out, so I'm allergic to metal now. So it's like, and these were my backup, so I broke my plastic pair. And then when I put these on, now like my ears all... Can we cut to commercial right now or something?

6:06Bobby Lee:Wait a minute, you're allergic to metal? I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, so I just found out this myself.

6:11Andrew Santino:Contacts. Use contacts.

6:13Bobby Lee:I don't have any contacts.

6:14Andrew Santino:Oh, you can't afford them?

6:15Bobby Lee:No, I just, I didn't like how I put them in my eye. It hurt.

6:18Andrew Santino:Oh.

6:19Bobby Lee:Oh. Okay. Okay, so people, metal allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis, delayed hypersensitivity reaction.

6:28Andrew Santino:Wow.

6:29Bobby Lee:So what happens, what's going to happen to you with these on? I don't know. I just got a bumpy ear and I got to figure that out. Oh, buddy, you're a hypochondriac. Yeah. The bump on your ear has nothing to do with the glasses on your face. What's it from? Should you tell them or no?

6:41Andrew Santino:I didn't remember the listening.

6:43Bobby Lee:It's from Funtang. A little bit too much Funtang, you're going to end up with bumps on your face. But I like a little Funtang. Careful, Richie. Richie. Okay, you're not -

6:52Andrew Santino:When's the last time you had Funtang, Richie?

6:54Bobby Lee:Yeah, when's the last time you got some Funtang? I like the Funtang.

6:56Andrew Santino:No, no, when's the last time you had Funtang, Richie?

6:58Bobby Lee:When was the last time you had some Funtang? Funtang like two or so weeks ago. You did.

7:03Andrew Santino:What's the definition of Funtang, Richie?

7:06Bobby Lee:Funtang, it's a food. It's like those noodles.

7:08Andrew Santino:Oh, okay.

7:08Bobby Lee:Well, it is a noodle. Yeah. Let me reword it.

7:11Andrew Santino:Can I reword?

7:12Bobby Lee:Yeah.

7:12Andrew Santino:When's the last time you got some action?

7:14Bobby Lee:Action.

7:15Andrew Santino:When's the last time you got laid, Rich?

7:17Bobby Lee:Like probably this month. About like earlier in the month. Like beginning of July, roughly.

7:23Andrew Santino:Oh, the beginning of July. One time?

7:25Bobby Lee:Yeah, just once.

7:25Andrew Santino:Yeah.

7:26Bobby Lee:We do our best. Who's we?

7:29Andrew Santino:Oh, you and your plan.

7:31Bobby Lee:Him and his penis? Yeah. Wait a minute. So was this a one time? Do you do one night stands? Are you only? I do, but LA is weird. It's like I don't like the one night stands. and I feel like people lean more towards that, but I'm more against it. I'm in the search of relationship, but people don't want to. We're going to find you love. I'm going to find you love. Yeah, I do think you deserve a really good relationship. Well, thank you. You know who loves one night stands? Carlos is the king of one night stands. You can teach him a lot. Are you not?

8:01Andrew Santino:Yeah, unfortunately, yeah.

8:02Bobby Lee:Why is that unfortunate? Do you want a relationship now?

8:05Andrew Santino:Yeah, it's just been years and years. Are you a good kisser, Carlos? I think I'm good, yeah. I got to be honest with you.

8:10Bobby Lee:Yeah. Great kisser.

8:12Andrew Santino:Really? Yeah, he's a great kisser. Yeah, you guys have kissed. Yeah, but we've not open mouth. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah, you guys have kissed. What I do is I don't go... Tongue first? What I call... I don't do bonsai style. What is that? I don't do Pearl Harbor. Oh, right. I don't do sneak attacks with my tongue. You don't kamikaze. No, I make the noise.

8:36And then I go back.

8:39Andrew Santino:Oh, you back off. I go... I back off, right? I don't actually hit Pearl Harbor.

8:42Bobby Lee:Right, you pull up. Pull up, pull up.

8:45Andrew Santino:I pull up. I'm that coward. Remember in Godzilla minus one? The guy who couldn't do it. I'm that guy. He just couldn't do it. No, he didn't do it. He bailed.

8:51Bobby Lee:I would have been that guy too. Me too. By the way, you're in a plane. You can't catch me. I'm gone.

8:56Andrew Santino:I know, but you still have - Where are you? I know. But in Godzilla minus one, he had to land at an airfield. Yeah. And he's like, oh, my plane's broke. And he was like, your plane's not broke. It's in perfect condition. It is in perfect condition. But I think I would go pretty close and then pull up.

9:15Bobby Lee:And you would just say it's a mechanical error. I couldn't do it. Eject button.

9:20Andrew Santino:Right.

9:21Bobby Lee:But then you're out over the ocean.

9:22Andrew Santino:No, then you swim to Hawaii and go, I'm Hawaiian. Yeah, that's true. Right? Why can't they say they're Hawaiian? They kind of look Hawaiian. Well, there's certainly a ton of Japanese people in Hawaii. Yeah, yeah.

9:32Bobby Lee:So you'd fit in. I guess that makes perfect sense. You think there's a story of a guy. That's a movie we need to write for Bobby. The one kamikaze who didn't do it. Yeah. And he ended up living in Hawaii, like becoming the king of one of the small little islands.

9:44Andrew Santino:There's no...

9:44Bobby Lee:And then... What? What? Yeah.

9:46Andrew Santino:There were no kings back then.

9:47Bobby Lee:It's a made up... Okay. You become a king of a little tiny island and then someone, an ex-military after years later, 30 years down the road... You. Me. Yeah. I'm suspicious. I come to this little island. I marry a Hawaiian and I'm like, who is this guy? Me? Yeah. Who are you?

10:07Andrew Santino:Gilbert. You're King Gilbert, huh? King Gilbert the ninth Generation Generation Of Gilbert Well there's a rumor

10:14Bobby Lee:That you bailed As a kamikaze pilot That's kind of being Spread around

10:17Andrew Santino:Look at my hair Carpal tunnel Both hands Oh you can't fly I can't fly

10:21Bobby Lee:That makes perfect sense Alright well God bless you King Gilbert

10:23Andrew Santino:And then cut to an hour later I'm jerking off And then you catch me

10:27Bobby Lee:He can use his hands Yeah Dude this is good And then you need my help And I need your help

10:33Andrew Santino:Yeah like in Titanic For instance I think I would have Gotten off that boat Pretty quickly you'd be so dead well i'd probably be bottom though you and i i your upper deck the irish

10:45Bobby Lee:no dude we were in the basement bottom deck the i think the irish were were like the irish were

10:50Andrew Santino:held in the basement right yeah we were down low down below i would i would climb over people

10:56Bobby Lee:you know what's so funny to think about that i like when they say like there's no there's no order in chaos like i would have killed so many people to to survive what were the asians doing

11:04Andrew Santino:down there though what were their jobs you think probably scooping coal into the fire to like make

11:07Bobby Lee:the boat engine.

11:09Andrew Santino:Hey, Chan, we got a free trip. Where? Where to? I don't know where we're going in the Arctic, but you know what? All we have to do is put the coal in the thing. And all of a sudden, you're drowning. You're gone. They don't tell you the race. They just tell you it's common fault.

11:25Bobby Lee:Yeah, because they don't want to admit the truth. They want you to still go to the museum. That's why. That's why they still want you to watch the movie. Once you learn of the actual atrocities that took place, then it loses the lore. it loses some of like the the sparkliness they're like well it was a bunch of minorities in the basement they're like don't worry about that don't worry about that I want to go isn't there like a huge titanic museum somewhere and you can go visit like a perfect replica of the boat yeah it's in the ocean though

11:50Andrew Santino:I've gone to the real one

11:51Bobby Lee:you went down there that sound still haunts me when those people went down Richie you're laughing it's kind of funny you are just like fancy He's sick like fancy. Yeah, where's that? Let's go to that. Branson, Missouri. Dude.

12:07Andrew Santino:Yeah. Yachov's on there.

12:08Bobby Lee:Lacone will be near Branson, Missouri. We have to go there.

12:12Andrew Santino:I want to go to that and Noah's Ark.

12:14Bobby Lee:They rebuilt that one too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see Noah's.

12:16Andrew Santino:Yeah.

12:17Bobby Lee:You believe that? They got one of every animal?

12:19Andrew Santino:I do believe it. I'm not a naysayer.

12:21Bobby Lee:Kentucky.

12:22Andrew Santino:Yeah. You got to cram it in there though.

12:24Bobby Lee:I don't know. You know what's so funny though? When you listen to the song, two alligators and long neck geese, some Humpty Back Campbells.

12:29Andrew Santino:There's no way there's a song.

12:31Bobby Lee:Chimpanzees.

12:31Andrew Santino:There's a scene.

12:32Bobby Lee:Cats and rats and elephants and birds galore. Oh yeah. You don't know that song?

12:37Andrew Santino:Yeah.

12:37Bobby Lee:No I'm not making it up. Look give me the lyrics.

12:40Andrew Santino:There's an actual

12:41Bobby Lee:Two alligators and long neckies. Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants and birds galore. But you won't see no dinosaur. That is the real song. Type in some of those lyrics and you'll see. Do cats and rats and elephants and birds galore.

12:57Andrew Santino:But dinosaurs really didn't exist.

13:00Bobby Lee:you know what it was what the devil did you think so see he's buying into it this is korean church coming back into play here ai will find out here the noah's ark the unicorn oh you won't find no unicorn is that what it is there were green go up there it is there are green alligators and long neckies some hampty back camels and some chimpanzees some cats and rats and elephants and sure as you're born the loveliest of all was the unicorn see good old noah was there to answer the call finished making the arc just as a start of rainfall but where are the wombats in the song

13:33Andrew Santino:yeah where are those i want to know all the all the animals wombats where's all these animals

13:37Bobby Lee:yeah yeah red panda is a red panda in there that's my dog yeah red panda for life you don't believe the dinosaurs existed huh you but i really do believe that of course i did i was silly yeah but a piece of it thinks maybe they got us maybe but why would the devil do it he can't have good without evil but sadness is a real thing too you're not sad though you've been happier than you've ever been i've noticed the last two weeks has been the worst two weeks of my life okay well let's this is what bobby does and it pisses me up last night at the comedy store i even said this in the recording today i had the kid absolutely smashed it yeah but i was sad up there well then be more sad because you're killing i hope for your taping you're sad because

14:14Andrew Santino:you crushed i think i left immediately you seem to notice that 10 out of 10 though you hit 10 home

14:18Bobby Lee:runs it was crazy every joke you spit out i was like man that's a hit that one's a hit that one's

14:22Andrew Santino:a hit that one's a hit you didn't miss amen and then we gave dax flame a joke dax read one of our jokes did you did you really do it yeah he did it what was the joke he texted me and it did really

14:31Bobby Lee:well i hope right at yeah he said uh the joke was we're going back to this again we were actually talking about this last night okay it was um california in 1948 outlawed the chair yeah and uh bobby wrote the punchline which was that's crazy because i went to ikea and burbank and they had a ton of chairs it crushed it did it killed it absolutely killed yeah it's a great joke did

14:56Andrew Santino:he do the tag that i made up he said that i sat on one and i didn't die no he didn't oh damn i think you forgot the tag oh but it was still good and it killed and then he gave you credit

15:06Bobby Lee:wow okay good he said bob or andrew he said bobby lee wrote that joke for me

15:10Andrew Santino:oh i didn't write the punchline yeah but you came with the setup so what punchline setup is a lot

15:15Bobby Lee:Punchline is all that anybody cares about.

15:17Andrew Santino:Yeah. Who do we have? Who do we have? Who just showed up?

15:20Bobby Lee:Oh, my God. If it isn't the -

15:22Andrew Santino:We have a sunburst here.

15:24Bobby Lee:If it isn't the corn bandit himself. What's up? Ladies and gentlemen, Harlan Williams. Harlan Williams. Hello. You don't have to clap, dude. Well, I shouldn't have because now I've delayed putting these on. Get it on there. You don't have to if you don't want to. You can hear us just fine. Just if you can. Oh, this will be a good bit.

15:49Hang on Got it

15:54Stupid It's so stupid Where'd you get these things? It's so stupid Damn it

16:06Well, I didn't make the thing you did Assholes Why? Why are you acting so dumb dumb dude Is this a podcast or Rubik's Cube Don't break it Take your time McCode help him Take your time Somebody please Not easy right guy When a hippie can't do it Exactly

16:37Andrew Santino:Okay You know that guy right I love that guy You do? Yeah, yeah. He's my buddy. He helped mentor me. Did he? Really? What year? What year? It was thanks to you, but we'll save it for later. We'll save it for later. Yeah. Let me ask you something.

16:53Bobby Lee:Let him get settled. Okay. Is it?

16:59Good to go? I want to go. Get out of here. Yeah, get out of here then. Assholes.

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18:53Bobby Lee:Two and seven. That's eight animals in total.

18:55Andrew Santino:Yeah. And, um, you know, before I had simply safe, we were petrified at night. We could not sleep. So scared. And now we have, um, cameras all over the place and AI help. There's AI technology.

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19:14Andrew Santino:We saw a little gray walk by the other day.

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19:28Bobby Lee:It's real security, ladies and gentlemen. We did give it to Bobby. We installed it at his house. It does work. Join the more than four million Americans who trust Simply Safe with their home security every single day, including Bobby Lee.

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21:07Bobby Lee:Head to chime.com slash badfriends. That's chime.com slash badfriends. It only takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services for MyPay and ChimeCard provided by Chime's bank partners. Optional products and services may have fees or charges. Stated annual percentage yield and cash back for Chime Prime only. No minimum balance required. Checking account ranking based on a J.D. Power survey published October 20th, 2025. For more information on API rates, MyPay, SpotMe, and Travel Perks, go to chime.com slash disclosures. He does not use those things. No, he's never.

21:32Bobby Lee:Come back. Come back. I'll be back. All right, McCone, get up there and set it up for real form. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the hippie out of here. Yeah. I like that. We should start calling him the hippie. Good job, hippie. Thank you, dirty hippie. Dirty, smelly hippie. He's smelly, boy. He's smelly. You know why he's smelly? He's not. He doesn't have an apartment. He doesn't have anywhere to live. Well, they live in the back of a Volkswagen van with flowers on the side. He stinks. He stinks. Dirty hippies.

21:58Andrew Santino:Coming from a guy that goes to Burning Man every year. Yeah. not this year though why not why i need a break daddy needs a break what do you do at burning man what's your what's what do you look what's your what don't you do it's everyone in the world should go really oh yeah but you don't take any drugs or anything like that burning man gives you that window of exception not that i've ever taken any yeah if i were to that would be the exception yeah wow yeah you don't do them right i don't do burning man yeah have you ever done hardcore drugs? Yeah, in my lifetime. Of course, of course. What's your favorite?

22:37I haven't, but if I did, I would do it there. If I drive out there, do I need a van

22:43Andrew Santino:or a bus? You should rent an RV. You're out there with an RV. They don't accept money out there. You can't buy anything. Right, so it's you're trading. That's what they say, but it's not like a bartering system it's just if you need something like if you need a sandwich you knock on a trailer give me could you have a sandwich they'll give you a sandwich wow you give them in return whatever they ask for a drink uh what's another sandwich you could do sandwich oh sandwich like i could knock on a door and say hey could i get a tuna salad sandwich yeah and they would say sure but i need an i would like an egg salad sandwich and then you do like a sandwich trade which you don't see a lot anymore.

23:26Bobby Lee:Nothing says a good sandwich in the desert. Yeah. Like tuna and eggs. Exactly. Nothing.

23:31Andrew Santino:In that heat? In that heat. Oh, it's grilled. Perfect. Yeah. Are there ladies out there? Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful women. Really? Beautiful. Yeah. All the Victoria's Secret models go out there. They like to dress up. Right. And there's our dancings? There's dancings. There's mystical.

23:49Bobby Lee:It's magical. Is there any documentation of you at Burning Man dancing yeah i actually made a documentary called burning men which i've never released i actually shot me and michael rosenbaum went one year i made a documentary of it burning men burning men i called it wow i should release it one day it's all done edited everything but what's holding you back i don't know i just i do a lot of that i'll make things and then never put them out in the world I think we all do that as artists. No, we put it all out. We put it out. All of it. We've never not put anything out. Wow. Okay. A lot I haven't put out.

24:28Bobby Lee:Well, I think you should start putting more out. Yeah. Because you're so valuable. Everybody wants you. Say again now? You're on the rise. You're on the rise. Like yeast? Yeah. Yeah. And if you let it sit.

24:41Andrew Santino:Exactly.

24:41Bobby Lee:Get yourself some bread.

24:42Andrew Santino:Do you feel that though? Do you feel like that you're on the rise? No. Oh, okay. Why are you winking? don't you're tricking him i didn't win yeah i did one of these yeah have you ever brought harlan williams on stage yeah yeah yeah he's brought me on stage too yeah we've done it we've

24:57Bobby Lee:done it both ways we go both ways do you know how athletic he is it's unbelievable i know i've touched his legs before they're so strong unbelievable this guy you touched my leg yeah we've all touched your leg yeah yeah he asked if i brought you on stage your legs are so very strong yeah you know that i just literally came from the racquetball court uh about an hour ago I was playing racquetball. Who do you play with? Just the guys on the list. But I thought you said that there's another comic that you play. Dane plays with me sometimes. Dane Cook. Who else? Vinny Vaseline. Yeah, Vinny Vaseline.

25:29Andrew Santino:Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you about Dane. Yeah. Is he aggressive? Yeah. He's got a temper. He's fired up, but that's what you want with sports. Have you played Warzone with him? No. It's insane. Is it?

25:40Bobby Lee:Get behind the wall! Yeah, like he takes charge, dude. Can you beat Dane at paddleball or racquetball? Easily. he's new I've been playing for like nine years he's just starting he's gonna love this that clip easily what oh he knows it's gonna fuel his fire

25:56Andrew Santino:Harlan how come you haven't had one of your pool parties you know I love your pool parties I know you gotta come up for one I still have to have one this summer yeah yeah this summer you haven't had one I haven't I've been busy yeah what are you doing uh I was um down in Florida fishing and scalloping and uh You know, just taking it easy. I've been taking a class at DeVry. What are you taking? Well, people always say that I have trouble communicating a lot. And sometimes people say I always make up stories and they have trouble communicating and getting a real story out of me, this type of nonsense.

26:45What does that have to do at DeVry? So I took a night class in communication. I'm taking, it's immersive. It's called Ouija therapy. Oh, whoa. Have you heard of Ouija? I know Ouija, but the combo, they combine the two. They combine it. So what they do is they train you to, because your face is so expressive. So when I can't get the words out, they sort of assign areas of your expressive face, almost like the keypad on your computer or typewriter, everything's a letter. Yeah. Wow. And since I have trouble sometimes getting answers or stories out, I've sort of been trained by them to assign letters to my face.

27:30Do W. Well, what you do is you ask me a question. Oh, okay. And then I do, because I can't get it out, but if I practice my Ouija communication, it sort of helps.

27:43Andrew Santino:Yeah. Let me ask you a question then. Okay. What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

28:00Okay. The answer is... What is it?

28:07Andrew Santino:You brought a Ouija.

28:08Bobby Lee:Dude, I'm trying to grow. He's in class. Don't make fun of him, dude. He brought a Ouija thing

28:15Andrew Santino:Cause he's taking a DeVry I know I thought he was improvising But this is kind of real I apologize I thought it was a joke I thought you were doing improv or whatever So this is real I didn't get what you were saying there But can I Wombat What is my what? What were you saying with the Ouija? I have to ask again Alright What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

28:48fuck off oh that was it not me it was this

28:55Andrew Santino:it's a spiritual thing there are spirits involved it's Ouija you ask a question Andrew I feel like I know the answer fuck off

29:05Bobby Lee:can I see it sure good toss ask me a question harland uh okay let me think of something deep and meaningful uh what is the meaning of life well that's too broad let me ask you a personal question sure what makes you sad this that this makes me really sad yeah this bit makes me sad the bit makes me sad too it makes me sad yeah well maybe you shouldn't enroll at devise i'm not gonna Well, I'm glad you're in Roald of Devy. I mean, that does seem like it's working very well. Yeah.

29:45Andrew Santino:Do you read? Yeah. Recommend me a book.

29:48Bobby Lee:Have you been to his office?

29:50Andrew Santino:Yeah, I have. It's amazing. It's amazing.

29:51Bobby Lee:He's got books. He's got so much shit all over the place. Yeah.

29:55Andrew Santino:It's beautiful. You have also the best view of the city. I mean. Shrankshu. Shrankshu. I would say, man, I would recommend The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I've heard of it. I heard it's good.

30:10Bobby Lee:You're reading a lot of Ayn Rand lately? Have you read The Fountainhead? Oh, dude. Is it good? Oh, yeah. Because they did a movie, no? I don't know if they ever made a movie of The Fountainhead. I think they attempted it. I think they did.

30:21Andrew Santino:They attempted it, but I don't think it was that great. It's too big in scope. Okay. But it's a very, very - Gary Cooper. Oh, Gary Cooper. Oh, okay, yeah. So it's a Fountainhead. The book is - Ayn Rand. Ayn Rand. Yeah. Read it. I'm going to read it. Yeah. Are you being real? I feel like you're being real right now. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am going to read that tonight. Well, it's really big, so you won't read it in a night. No, but I'm going to start tonight. I'm going to audiobook it. Is that okay? It's up to you, but it's one of those books that draws you in, and it's one of those savory books where it becomes part of your life for the time that you're reading it.

30:54Andrew Santino:Oh, wow. And also Stephen King's The Stand is like that because it's a big thickie. Yeah. Cujo is like that with me too. Cujo. Yeah. You love a good - Scary dogs. You love - I love it. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I even ran the fountainhead. What are you reading?

31:14Bobby Lee:The Insightful Man. By who? I don't remember the guy's name. Look up the name. What's his name? The Insightful Man book. Yeah. The Inside of a Man. The Inside of a Man by Leon Mopipi. And at first it got me, the Mopipi got me. I was laughing when I bought it. Yeah. I bought it because of the Mopipi. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. I bought it because I saw Mopipi and I thought it was funny. and it's actually given me a lot of knowledge and insight. Yeah. It actually is. Well, I'd invite you to read my latest book. What is it? It's called Uncle Milton. Whoa. Yeah. And? And what is it? Is it a - It's a collection of short stories.

31:52Andrew Santino:Are you being real?

31:53Bobby Lee:Yeah.

31:54Andrew Santino:Wow. Uncle Milton by - Harlan Williams. Harlan Williams. Wow. Yeah. It's short stories. Three short stories. That you wrote.

32:01Bobby Lee:Yeah.

32:01Andrew Santino:Wow.

32:02Bobby Lee:Let's see the reviews. Yeah. Click on the - It just came out, so I don't know. Harlan Williams is good at anything he decides to do. His short story collections are no exception. In the realm of Suspension, Supernatural, the stories are unique, good read. I've read a lot of Stephen King's short stories, and this gives me similar feels. In this collection, there are three separate stories touching on different aspects of relationships. Three is a magic number. The heart and the mind and the body. Harlan focused on each of these in turn. Overall, very good. Hoping to read more books from Harlan in the future.

32:28Bobby Lee:Wow. I didn't even know those were there. Incredible. Thank you.

32:32Andrew Santino:I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat. Oh. Maharashi. The Maharashi. Oh, wow. Yeah. Do you know why? Why? Because I'm going crazy. I need to dilute the mind, calm the mind down. What's going on, my guy? Nothing. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to, a lot of anxiety. So I'm trying to calm the, meditating at night, being mindful about my breath, doing breath work. What's causing the anxiety? I don't know. I don't know the root of it. You must have an inkling. The special. We've talked about this. Yeah. There's a lot of pressure on the special.

33:09Bobby Lee:He's about to shoot a special.

33:10Andrew Santino:Yeah. When? In January.

33:12Bobby Lee:Was going to be December, but anxiety. Thrusted into the new year. Maybe February. Wow. That's not the anxiety. But I don't think you need the anxiety because you're a confident, funny human being. Wow. Are you my Messiah? I'm not my Messiah.

33:28Andrew Santino:I'm happy to help. My spiritual teacher? I'm happy to help. You know what? I would follow you if you had a philosophy.

33:34Bobby Lee:What is your philosophy of life? Chocolate. Yeah.

33:38Andrew Santino:It is good. Dark? Yeah, I would follow chocolate. Swiss. I like Swiss chocolate. All right, me and you, we climb the temple. We get to the temple, right? Yeah, I'm there. We see him. He's in a robe. We sit, you know, cross-legged.

33:51Bobby Lee:Yeah.

33:52Andrew Santino:Right? We light some candles. We do a little bong.

33:54Bobby Lee:Bong.

33:55Andrew Santino:Right? Yeah. Our master's about to speak. What do you say? Mmm. Mmm, chocolate. And then we go, chocolate. Master, master. Yes? I have a question. Yes, stupid. Sorry. Because I'm so superior. I know, master. I didn't mean that. But master, I'm going through a divorce, and my wife cheated on me. What do I do? Humphrey Bogart said once that women are like streetcars. One goes and another one is coming right along. Oh. Very good. Master, Master.

34:37Bobby Lee:Yes. My children have died in a horrible fire accident, a smelting accident. I owned a smelting factory and my child died.

34:44Andrew Santino:I worked there. I saw them die.

34:46Bobby Lee:He may have been the person that killed my child. We don't know, Master. We don't know yet, Master. What do I do now?

34:55Make some new kids. Ah. and forget the oldies yeah

35:02Andrew Santino:and chocolate probably and chocolate and I got a hole in the desert you can put the dead kids too oh master thank you master I would love to help you my guy I don't like it when you're like you know when my guy is feeling anxiety are you talking to me as master or Harlan to barlin slash master yeah yeah master you want to help me now yeah okay you're a you're a funny funny beloved uh guy don't don't don't feel anxiety yeah i told him i know yeah people tell me yeah yeah i just uh i just feel the anxiety i don't know what it is what's your fix i have you know what i you know what i have master yes um imposter syndrome what's that i don't feel like people go oh you're doing well or this and that and I always go I always downplay it I like you know I like just going to a Starbucks and getting my horchata beverage you know what I mean and just being normal you know what I mean but then people go oh can we get a photo and this and that I just have a conflict about it what do I do master I would say ride the anxiety like a snake like a dragon like ride it Yes You know this Sometimes when you perform Your mood can feed your performance Sometimes you feel down Sometimes you feel up Sometimes you feel anxiety ridden But whatever it is Just take it onto the stage Yeah And let it be part of the journey Oh so I know it'll pass It might not pass It might No Just say it's gonna pass I think it's gonna pass Use it as fuel on the night of the special Yeah yeah yeah I will Yeah Oh, let me say something about this, about myself.

36:54Andrew Santino:I know this. When I get a ball, I hit it. You do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I will hit the ball. You will hit the ball. I think the anxiety is just giving you, you know, without the anxiety, your experience might be mundane. And so the anxiety is giving you a little bit. It's life saying, hey, feel the energy, feel the electricity. Yeah. That's the anxiety versus you've been doing this a long time. you know the terrain. I know the terrain. And so think of the anxiety as a little electrical charge and a little air under your feet and it's going to make it more interesting and provocative and infused with life.

37:35God, you're - The master has spoken. Yeah, I love it. Now go suck a chocolate bar.

37:42Bobby Lee:That's our Messiah. That's my Messiah. Suck a Milky Way. Yeah. You are a little chocolate boy. You love snacks. I love it. Whenever I go to his house, he has snacks. He does. I sleep with a can of Pringles in my arm. You do? I snuggle it. Yeah. Is it a big one? That's a big can. No, it's just a regular can, but I can't. How do you close your arm? But it's a sour cream and onion, and I just, oh. Is that your favorite chip? I love it. Yeah. I just snuggle with it at night. I used to have a teddy bear, a teddy ruxpin. You know the ones that talk? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Had one. Mine got possessed in spoken tongues, and I had to flush it in the toilet.

38:17Literally in the middle of the night, I'm stuffing its head in the toilet. Flash, flash. What was it saying? Yeah, Satan stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah.

38:25Andrew Santino:Devil talk. Yeah. I know that. Yeah, you know that? No, no, no, no, no.

38:31Bobby Lee:You're going to summon it if you do that.

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42:47Andrew Santino:And he has come to my church. And I sat down and I guess it wasn't a big church. and the sermon where the preacher eyed me and then everyone started speaking in tongues. And they all touched my head. And as they touched my head, I stood up and I literally walked out of the church. Wow. Yeah, I was so scary. Whoa. Yeah, do you think it's real speaking in tongues when they're in church? Yeah. Oh, you think it's real?

43:14Bobby Lee:There's videos of people speaking in tongues. Yeah. They connect to the higher power. What are you talking about? No, they do. Yeah, yeah. God speaks through you. Yeah. The best time to do it is when you're performing cunnilingus. Really? Because it's like... Girls love it. They love it. It's like foreplay, Satan's foreplay. See, they're speaking in tongues here. They can show you this.

43:41Andrew Santino:Is he a cracker barrel? These guys are just... Okay. All right, it is real.

43:52Bobby Lee:I think those guys are just Latvian. I don't think that - Yeah, yeah, that's what it felt like. I'm pretty sure that was just another language. Yeah, I think you're right. How many languages do you speak? You speak a few, don't you? I speak a little French and a little German. Das ist gut, ja? Das ist gut, and that's it. Das ist gut. That's a little? I did speak a little when I lived there, but I speak a little French because I'm French-Canadian, but that's it. Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you today, and I can't wait to go out to eat with you later. Bobby, say, Bon, Mosley, Papillon, Avec, Montreal, Fireworks Festival.

44:35Andrew Santino:Wow. Yeah. Wow, that's really good. Yeah. It was good. La Encanto, Paelar, Los Pantalones, La Escuela, El Sol, y La Cienega.

44:45Bobby Lee:I'll wear my pants to school on La Cienega.

44:47Andrew Santino:Something like that, yeah. That's actually pretty good. I said school.

44:50Bobby Lee:in there too right yeah yeah yeah how come you guys aren't fighting usually when i watch this show you're like just going at each other we were fighting a little bit no we were good before we haven't fought today we didn't fight i know but why you want us to fight i was sort of looking forward to a good fight yeah yeah brouhaha all right well give us a topic and we'll fight over we'll fight about anything oh it's your show you should have the topic what you should have the topic we're just gonna brew a fight yeah yeah i don't know usually you're yelling at each other Well, okay, he said that he liked your shirt.

45:20I hate that shirt.

45:21Andrew Santino:Wait a minute. I was lying. This shirt has a lot of - I hate that shirt. Awful. It's awful. It's bullshit. Yeah, it's a bullshit shirt. This shirt has a lot of meaning. What are your B? What are your B comb? You like them? This shirt has a lot of sentimental meaning before you rip into it. Oh, really? What is it? What is it? Let me guess. Your Uncle Harvey was on a Golden Temple mountain with a panda, and they pooped out an egg. It broke open, and there's a shirt. because you tell stories like that all the time and they're not real. Dude, my father died today, nine years ago. Wow. And he died when we were watching the movie.

46:00The whole family were at his house. We were watching Children of the Corn. This is a corn shirt. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't know. So Children of the Corn is full of jump scares. I don't know if you've seen that movie.

46:16Andrew Santino:Malachi was a scary guy. Malachi. Oh, yeah. The niblet children are popping out of the rows, like just crazy. So we're at my old man's house. This guy, you said I like sports. The old man liked fish. He loved fishing. He died today or nine years ago? Nine years ago today. Oh, today. Every year we put on the corn shirt. And he had a nine-foot marlin hanging over the wall behind the couch right here. We're all sitting on the couch. He's got a nine-foot. He loves this. He has fish tanks all over. He had a fish tank full of piranhas. You ever heard of these things from the Amazon? Yeah, piranhas. They eat flesh.

46:51Bobby Lee:They're like piranhas. Or piranhas. He has piranha, piranha, however you want to Swiss it up. Why would you lie? I don't know. Well, there's two pronunciations.

47:02Andrew Santino:Okay. The botanists call it, or students of ectology call it piranha. Right. But the lay person, like yourself, calls it piranha.

47:12Bobby Lee:Lay. So the old man's got a piranha tank over here. He's got a nine-foot marlin up on the wall with the snout. Here we are huddled in the den. We got Pottery Barn candles on the table. We're all huddled together, nine of us, and we're watching Children of the Corn like we do every year. It was his favorite horror movie. This thing's packed full of jump scares. Big time.

47:36Andrew Santino:Yeah. We're sitting there. Malachi pops out with some of the Niblet children out of the corn. we all jump the old man goes back hits the wall the marlin cuts loose from it it's hanging on the wall this thing comes down the snout of the marlin goes into the old man's spine the old man flails across the room right he hits the wall he hits the light switch the fucking ceiling fan starts going on. Now this thing's got a wire on the back of the marlin. Now the wire's up in the ceiling fan. But when the old man went back, he put his hand into the piranha tank. These things took off two of his fingers.

48:22Here goes the ceiling fan. It starts constricting around his neck. He's got a marlin in his spine. He goes to turn off the ceiling fan switch. He ain't got the fingers that you flick the switch with.

48:41Oh my God. This is my old man. It's like a final destination dad. Sorry, man. Yeah. I like the shirt. It's just, it's a memory. So before you rip into it, this is like in memorandum of my old man. And let me tell you something.

48:57Bobby Lee:I do like the shirt. Okay. Cause it's, you would never wear it. Never. It's fucking hideous. Yeah. it's a hideous piece of shit shirt it's insane it's i don't even know where to buy a shirt where did you buy that yeah look up at forest lawn they've got at the cemetery wow you know everything's

49:16Andrew Santino:a theme yeah yeah you can't even find that kind of corn shirt online look at it you can't yes you can that's it right there corn cob background shirt no that's not it dude no that's not what that is that's a one of one yeah i think well i mean this is it's not about the shirt it's about my father you're right oh that's right you're right you're right let's go back to that lord yeah he passed away guys okay so um malachi if i can reiterate please malachi popped out through the rows of corn that's a shirt with the niblet children yeah and the niblet children were well now i feel like you're making fun of my dad no we're not i just

49:54Bobby Lee:We see where you got it for your father. Okay. It's for any occasion, street leisure, the party, or golf occasion. It's for to commemorate his death. Look, I think when your dad died, I mean, Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically. Yeah. Oh, no. How? Tell him how your dad died.

50:11Andrew Santino:My dad died.

50:11Bobby Lee:Because you're wearing the shirt as well.

50:13Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah. My dad died in a hospice.

50:15Bobby Lee:Oh, no. Yeah.

50:16Andrew Santino:And he was like, ooh, like that for a week.

50:19Bobby Lee:And he loved Metallica.

50:20Andrew Santino:He loved Metallica.

50:22Bobby Lee:That's why he's wearing the shirt.

50:23Andrew Santino:He loves it.

50:23Bobby Lee:a hospice what is a hospice puppets

50:29Andrew Santino:what is a hospice oh it's where people go to bed and die harland i'm sure your fingerless dad died in one as well no he died on the ceiling he died instantly he died right he choked out wow who took him down oh i don't want to talk about that but the cleaning lady oh what the clean the next day or yeah we went yeah we had to go out and eat but uh she came in the next day yeah cleaned it up cleaned it up i know socks harlan that's a little weird uh oh i didn't know you were looking at down there yeah uh that's one of my pet

51:03Bobby Lee:peeves when people don't wear socks how about you you know do you have stinky feet no let me smell your shoe well no take one off prove it because otherwise i'm gonna find out if you got stinky feet or not yeah yeah yeah yeah I can't do it I'll vomit I almost threw up yeah is it bad yeah it got me what's it smell like yeah eyes are fucking watering yeah what's it smell like yeah it's bad it's pretty bad tell me let me see big one oh my god big whiff I hate it I already Do a big whiff. I can't.

51:43Andrew Santino:Put your fucking nose in it, you pussy. There's no way. What's it smell like? Corn, chocolate. All of it. Your dead dad, everything. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, yeah. Wear socks, Carlin. Jesus, God. Do you ever wear no socks?

52:00Bobby Lee:You got to do a shoeie now. Pour your drink into your shoe and drink it. That's what Australians do. It is? That's what they do. They don't do that. Yes, they do. Shoeies. You've never heard of a shoeie? Shoei. Bring up a shoei in Australia. That's literally what they do. So what do you do? You pour a drink in it and you chug it. Don't do it, Harlan.

52:16Andrew Santino:Harlan, don't do it. Why not? It's gross.

52:19Bobby Lee:Well, no, look, it's a celebration. All right. What do I do? Look, you pour it in and you chug it. A real man. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, my God. Aussies love you, mate. We love you. Oh, no. No, I think I got a hangnail. Oh. I got a toenail. Oh, wow. Harlan, are you in love right now?

52:47Andrew Santino:Yeah, he is.

52:47Bobby Lee:Because you seem like you're in love.

52:48Andrew Santino:I do? Yeah, you kind of are bouncing. I know that you are. Really? What do you mean?

52:52Bobby Lee:He is.

52:53Andrew Santino:I know that you are. I know you personally. I know that you are. In love with what, though? A female.

53:00Bobby Lee:A human.

53:02Andrew Santino:Define. A woman with appropriate genitals.

53:09Bobby Lee:what's in it bro you're in love with a person

53:13Andrew Santino:yeah you're a human being because you've mentioned it a couple of times you don't probably notice it because you never go well I have a girlfriend but you've said like yeah the girl that I'm seeing and we're doing this and that and it's fun I can see a joy off of yourself well thank you yeah I do have a joy I don't talk about my personal life like you do I don't we're opposites there are things about me that no one knows You're an open book You're an open collection of dictionaries Or encyclopedias Like what don't we know about you There are some things that he Yeah there are things I hide There are personal things like my recovery Or like you know No but like personal things I do Okay But there's just some things that I do hide I'm not going to say it It's a trick now I understand your tricks Well I just drank out of a shoe You did he's good at tricks Yeah, but there are things about you that you do hide a lot.

54:10I don't hide. It's not like I'm hiding them. It's just I choose not to divulge everything about me. It keeps you close.

54:20Andrew Santino:But what does it hurt if we ask you? You can ask. Oh, God. You are seeing somebody. We don't want to know specifics, but we see a joy radiating from your body. I love that you feel that and sense that. That's all I'm saying. I love that. Yeah. He wants more.

54:38Bobby Lee:No. I love you. You gave me a ride home that night. We talked deep. Oh, yeah. In his car. I got to tell you about this guy's car. Oh. You think your old car was a mess? Yeah. This guy.

54:50Andrew Santino:Yeah. We're the same type. It's unbelievable.

54:52Bobby Lee:What was in my car? Everything. I don't know. What wasn't in your car? Wow, guy. It was insane. Yeah. There was like a half-built crib, like a baby crib. Wow. Doesn't have a baby. Yeah, yeah. There was a, you remember pegs on BMX bikes? Sure. Had four or five sets of pegs in the backseat. Yeah. This is all real. This is all real. Hyper, like needles? What? Hypodermic needles? Yeah. I don't know. Did you have any of those? I don't know what you saw. I might have some. It's just what you saw. He had, I'm not kidding. He had a paint bucket, like a fucking, what are those? Like a few gallon bucket of Elmer's glue.

55:31Bobby Lee:Well, I have that. Oh, you do have one.

55:33Andrew Santino:No, I have hundreds of bottles of Elmer's glue. Do you know why he has glue? Well, I know he doesn't like horses, and glue is primarily made up of ground-up horse hooves. That's true. I don't like the hooves. I like the horses. Oh, you don't like horses hooves? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's why he has all the glue. Get rid of the hooves. No, but why would I have Elmer's glue at home?

56:02Bobby Lee:The way that they seize Diddy's house and got all that baby oil, that he sees your house and have, what was he doing with all that?

56:09Andrew Santino:Hundreds of bottles.

56:10Bobby Lee:And who's Elmer, by the way?

56:13Andrew Santino:I don't know, but I do want to meet him.

56:14Bobby Lee:I mean, it sounds like a short story you would write. Yeah. Tell us who Elmer is. That's a good idea. Who is Elmer behind Elmer's glue? Who is that guy? Because he's got to be someone significant. We've all used his glue. Elmer was a no, Elmer's glue is Elmer the Bull, a character who is a husband of Elsie the Cow. Oh, see, hooves. that's almost a slap in the face to our hoofed friends. Why would you make your logo of the thing you're killing to make the product? Ketchup always has a tomato on it. Okay, well, yeah. Good point, Andrew. Good point. Thank you. Great point. One of the best points.

56:52Andrew Santino:What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry them onto my hand and I peel them. Oh, so it looks like you have that aging disease? No, but I do like 40 layers with a blow dryer. Oh, wow. And then I put a complete glove. Oh, that's so cool. You know that, right? And I stuff. That's so cool. I stuff cotton in them and I draw on them. Oh, that is so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like an art thing. I get it. I can relate. What I do is I sit in the bath for about two hours. Yeah. I get my fingers prune wrinkled. and then when I get out of the tub I touch myself with the wrinkled fingers and pretend I'm getting molested by an 87 year old priest oh so I can't have my thing I just yeah yeah that's good whoa dude do you love the movie Spotlight what is it okay do you ever see it

57:51Bobby Lee:yeah it's a great movie

57:53Andrew Santino:yeah it's a great movie

57:53Bobby Lee:what's it about it's about some of the some of the crimes of the church. Oh, right, right. With Michael Keaton. Yes. Whoa. It's a good movie. Spotlight. What is the quote that people yell at you the most in public? The quote? Yeah, like something that you said in movies and stuff. What is something? Oh, I thought you meant in real life. Or on the pod. Yeah, no, no. In real life, do people ever say a line to you in public? Well, in real life, they say, hey, no chin. I get that a lot because I have no chin. Yeah, you do. Not really. Turn to this. Oh, yeah, look at that. Yeah, yeah. One piece. Like I get a no chin a lot.

58:26Bobby Lee:The good news is because it's connected like that, it's always protected. Yeah. You're not going to get knocked out easy. Yeah, I'm like almost an instant shadow-like punch. Yeah.

58:39Andrew Santino:Yeah, dude, you are. In fact, could I ask you? I don't want to be critical. No, please. I can take anything. You could be as critical. I have one thing my father's death taught me is life goes by fast and anything can bounce off you. So you're going to be mega critical. All right, well, your face looks like a gigantic canvas, but I only drew a little face on the bottom half of the canvas. Oh, so like one of those cartoon guys, like a caricature? Yeah. So my face is big and my body's small? It's just a longer, but I like it. It's dimensional. My face is long. Yeah. What about mine? Well, let's stick with this.

59:18No, I want to get to the bottom of your hatred.

59:21Andrew Santino:There's no way to, there's no hatred. I thought you said you hated my face. Did I say hate? Did I say hate? No, you, no. Observation, I said. What is it again? Say it. What do you think I said? Okay, long face. Yeah. It's like, you know what I mean? This half of the face is where all the things, it's like Antarctica. Like if you looked at the earth, like earth, Antarctica, nothing going on. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

59:45Bobby Lee:He's saying, you know how you look at it. Keep going. Oh. Like when you look at a map. Yeah. of like cities and way down below there's all the city life hold on hold on got it fuck off I was kidding dude

1:00:05Andrew Santino:I don't know I got no problem with your face but I don't mind criticism I like it it's the only way I can grow criticize me like physically or or just even in terms of my attitude sometimes you're a little bit elusive and distant. That's being a ninja. I know, but it's... I have ninjutsu behaviors. Okay, if that's the answer, I accept that. As a friend, I think you're deflecting if I'm being honest, but if you want to play the ninja game... I know what you're saying. This is what you're saying. Talk to me, guy. Guy, I'm here and I'm listening. Well, I said talk to me. Don't listen. Talk. All right.

1:00:49Right now,

1:00:50Andrew Santino:are you getting a little aggressive i sure am you too about guy okay all right so what i want to say i know what it is what you're saying talk it's like i did your podcast and then the you know and then like six months later you want me to do it again and i don't return your phone call is that what it is no oh fuck i just think sometimes when buddy hey bud buddy yeah tries to get close to buddy buddy doesn't always let buddy all the way in yeah and maybe buddy's a little guilty of it too what do i do what did i do i know sometimes i feel like there's little barriers with you two between us or no with me like buddy tries to get in and you guys will open the door so far but then buddy you kind of put a foot in the door and buddy can't get all the way in and be buddy buddy i'm sorry, buddy.

1:01:40Andrew Santino:Can I say this? Every time I see you on the lineup, what do I do? You're sitting there in the booth in the back. I always walk up beside you and I always say hello. But a hello is fleeting. I always try to engage. I try to get a conversation going with buddy and buddy sort of flirts with it, entertains it, but never fully engages with buddy. And so buddy ends up feeling alone and sad when he walks away and turns his back on Buddy. I see. Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn shirts,

1:02:14Bobby Lee:we'd have a better conversation. My father was killed. Yeah.

1:02:19Andrew Santino:By a Marlin. Oh, so can I just say something, Buddy? Yes, bud. If you call me, I'm so emotional, I can't even speak. Do it. Let me calm down. I think we're getting somewhere. Stay am. Stay am. This is where the real stuff comes up. I'll stay am, all right? When you see me in public right why don't you call me by my name you don't you call me sarah silverman yeah it's a term of endearment do i call him sarah silverman no who do you call him that's special for you what do you call him calls me earthquake the big black comedian he calls me earthquake

1:02:53Bobby Lee:that's what i'm saying well yeah that's why buddy we can't get in with you but yeah but why let a title get in the way of our intimacy? Because

1:03:03Andrew Santino:when you scream it across a room Hey! There's Sarah Silverman! The whole room turns around and it's me. It's a little awkward. Well can't you get around it and engage with me and be intimate and have a real conversation for once in your life? Well how can I have a real conversation with you when you don't call me by my name? Well get over yourself, Sarah. and then I call you Johnny Meatloaf fine I love it slap me with the gravy I'm in it's just a title but beyond the title and again you're deflecting all over the place he can see it I'm not looking at him you're not looking at me? when does the real buddy conversation happen between us three?

1:03:49you want to sit around all day and eat styrofoam peanuts? great I can party but when does the talk happen?

1:03:57Andrew Santino:let's go to Joshua Tree okay airbnb a house get a fire going i love i love sh'mores oh you know i love sh'mores

1:04:05Bobby Lee:the jewish s'mores have you ever had sh'mores yeah yeah sh'mores are unbelievable they're

1:04:09Andrew Santino:unbelievable you know what a sh'more is i sure do yeah i'll get the molly sh'more yeah i'll get

1:04:15Bobby Lee:the marshmallow and i'll and i'll get the gefilte fish and we'll have ourselves isn't it interesting isn't it interesting that you want to drive three hours into the desert to open up to your buddy and I want to open up right here and now while we're right in proximity. I want to live in the moment and you want to create some fantasy getaway in the desert where maybe we can talk, but you know when there's a crackling fire, it's hypnotic and you can't talk to anyone because you're hypnotized by the crackling flames and this is all part of your deflection so that you don't have to look buddy in the eyes and talk and get to know the real me.

1:04:56And I get to know the real Sarah, get to know you.

1:05:00Andrew Santino:Yeah. Okay. All right, let's get real. Here we go, finally. I love you. Okay, how? There's a lot of layers of love. Yeah. But as a comedian, you're one of the ones that I feel safe with and trust. Love this. I feel like you're an ally. I love this. Yeah, I've always had a fun, playful relationship with you. Like we're two kids in a schoolyard jumping with glee. Don't you feel that? I do. There's a childlike banter that you and I both have. But in that schoolyard, and thank you for opening up. Yeah, yeah. The janitor built a wall. Right. And I need you to get over that wall. Okay. And come to me.

1:05:47Okay. I'll break through the wall. friend little red over here too yeah i'm the janitor i'm building the wall yeah someone's

1:05:54Andrew Santino:got to clean up this mess and no no no since i was on the hot seat you talk to harlan about how

1:05:59Bobby Lee:you feel harlan i i don't get you come with don't make a job all right get real it's a comedy show

1:06:09Andrew Santino:i know but get real for a second he made it real thank you all right yeah you're welcome

1:06:13Bobby Lee:buddy harlan you're one of the most elusive comedians i've ever known talk to me i think is that hurtful no is that is that is that hurtful to you oh yeah yeah yeah it is can't pin you down don't know you i just don't know the real you i've tried tell me how you've tried and let me you hide help you get there you hide how what could i

1:06:36Andrew Santino:i want to help you get there guy intervene real quick please like the story about your dad yeah

1:06:41Bobby Lee:i don't think that's real i don't think that's real would i show up in a corn shirt? That's what I'm saying. If it wasn't real? That's what I'm saying. We're worried about it.

1:06:51Andrew Santino:Can I say another thing? Please. You did a pod a couple years ago with my brother Steve. Steve-O? Stevie Weeby. Stevie Weeby. Yeah. That's my little brother. Steve-O. Right? Your little brother, yes. Right. And you had a little cap in your jacket. Sure. Right? From my dad, a memento. Yeah. And the cap was what? A mushroom cap. A mushroom cap from a man's penis? Well, my dad was in the circumcision game. that's what I'm saying is that his profession? I don't know Don's circumcisions down on Melrose 782 right over the door it says we love it when you leave a tip and it was right over the door I know I remember I have had some procedures

1:07:32Bobby Lee:yeah I've been there

1:07:34Andrew Santino:so that's your dad Don and he tragically died the way you described him dying yeah watching Children of the Corps nine years ago today. What's wrong? Why? Okay. All right. You are being real. Yeah, you are. Sometimes you have to, because it seems seems not real. Fantastical. Yeah, it seems fantasy. Yeah, and it seems like it's not grounded in reality. Hey, guy, everyone has their journey. Sorry if I'm not in your playbook. Sorry if I don't, I'm not a cookie cutter. I'm just living my life. Sorry my dad got a sailfish through his spine. Yeah. Sue me. Okay. We all got our stories.

1:08:15Bobby Lee:Don't sue him. Okay. We'd like you to be unsued. Yeah. He would? I don't want you to get sued. Well, no. No. Maybe I want to get sued.

1:08:22Andrew Santino:Harlan, talk to Andrew about how you can be a better friend. How can I be a better friend to the and man? Like, I want to get in. I want to be closer. I want to let you in. How do I do it, my guy?

1:08:34Bobby Lee:I just don't think you can keep wearing those corn shirts. Yeah, me either. Any foods.

1:08:39Andrew Santino:It's only one day a year. Yeah. No more food. I've seen you with barbecue, with actual barbecue on your shirts. Well, that was real, like stains? Yes. Yeah. Wash it. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

1:08:53Bobby Lee:But outside of that, I think the only way to really get to know you is to spend time with you without clothes, without restriction, in a spa, talking, naked. You said strip away the fire, strip away all the distraction. I agree. I think we should go to the Korean spa. We should go to the Wii spa. The Wii spa with you. get naked sit around like real men like real men would you want to see this naked yeah but yes i mean it's not it's not a challenge what i have under this fabric do you want to see it seeing is not the right word witness is the word witnessing i'd like to witness it you would yeah what is it about what's under this fabric that is provocative for you this is just a shroud whatever you've got on this this this the clothes are as uh as as false shield yeah it's a shield what feel to your heart what part of my and now i guess so i prepped for your penis that's the part of my anatomy i've never seen it okay okay have you visualized it in your head oh yeah oh yeah would you like to describe it to your audience yeah corn dog but a korean one so

1:10:03Andrew Santino:there's like stuff on top of the the breading oh when they dip it in stuff yeah yeah so it's got like corn nuts and like you know little snacks little bacon bits you know I don't feel like it's a I feel like there's other flavors involved well let me say this go ahead

1:10:17Bobby Lee:we're gonna go to the spot of connect and I think that will bond us together we'll get through we'll get rid of all this other they have shorts

1:10:22Andrew Santino:there that you can wear if you're like I'll go European I'll go pink I when I'm nude I look like a shrimp by the way a cocktail shrimp that'd be too and if I curl my body sort of like this yeah I look like a cocktail shrimp like you know they hang them on the glass oh yeah oh yeah yeah i'm pink like that yeah that's fine i'm me like that me too yeah so what just so i can put this into context the three of us sitting naked in a spa getting to know each other is it a steam room like can we rise on a steam room the whole bit so is it like i'm watching almost like a ship emerging through the fog your pasty white bodies or is it a clean steam room where the air is clean and I can have a crystal clear vision there is steam there is steam so it's ghostly sometimes you can't even watch me walk in I'm just there wow yeah like a ghost I know that swirling John Carpenter's the fog yeah exactly

1:11:22Bobby Lee:you wait in there long enough and the karate ghost appears wow I'm in guys let's recap Okay. We learned a lot about you. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, I thought you were recapping. No, I was... My dad used to do a lot of recapping down at Don Circumcision. I remember.

1:11:44Andrew Santino:Oh, you can reattach. Yeah. Oh, he did that procedure as well. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, every now and then there was a slip up. Right. But to... I want a thicker cap. Can I get mine replaced? How thick are we talking? Shaquille O 'Neal. Whoa. Yeah, big. Really big. Black. Like a hubcap almost. Yeah, with a hubcap. Wow.

1:12:04Bobby Lee:Harlan, we hope we get closer. Yeah. Yeah, I think I like that. I don't know that it's going to happen.

1:12:11Andrew Santino:I feel farther away, actually, can I be honest? Yeah. Yeah, don't you feel farther away? Maybe the mystery, maybe the distance makes us more interesting to people now than we ever were. Maybe this was an exercise in distancing ourselves from each other.

1:12:26Bobby Lee:Good. Good, good, good, good. And your crowd now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where maybe we don't want to give the ending away. Wow. Let's not do it. Let's not do it. I'm in. I'm in too, bud. You in? I'm in. I'm in. Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling steam room. Yeah.

1:12:53Are you good at puzzles? Yeah. God. Hit me. you want a riddle sure can i give him a riddle yes the grandfather his son and his son's son

1:13:08Andrew Santino:they go fishing you caught up yet yeah okay on the way home from fishing they get a car accident the grandfather's son and his son's son die no no that's not what it that's not what it Let me start for the top. Let me start for the top. Let me start for the top. You just riddled yourself. You know that. Grandfather, his son, his son.

1:13:30Bobby Lee:Well, that's why the phrase is riddle me this. Yeah, yeah.

1:13:33Andrew Santino:Grandfather, his son, his son. They go fishing, right? On the way back, the grandfather and his son died. The grandson lives. He's in the operating table at the hospital. And the surgeon walks in and says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened? It's his mother. Very good. You're good. You're good at puzzles. The surgeon was his mother. Yes. Yeah. That was way too easy. Do you have a riddle for him?

1:14:00Bobby Lee:No, that was really easy. Yeah, it was easy.

1:14:03Andrew Santino:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if I know any of them. Oh, yeah, I got one. I know where you got that riddle, by the way. What? You're going to love this guy. Okay. That riddle came from an episode of All in the Family where Archie and Meathead and Little Girl and Edith toiled over that one because back in the 70s, it was always presumed that a surgeon would be a male. So back in the 70s, that was actually a very difficult riddle to figure out because people weren't accustomed to picturing women as surgeons. and so many people didn't get that riddle and this ain't the 70s anymore alright guy I got another one for you and if you want to look that one up on YouTube the riddle with the I got another one for you everything Harlan says is fake and wacky like his dad didn't die by a sailfish look it up on YouTube the all in the family doctor riddle surgeon riddle Wow that's actually in the show I told you that's where it's from Wow okay well I was just There it is And I'm the guy that makes shit up Okay How dare you sir Here's another riddle How dare you with your nutty little koala fingers And your chocolate fudge cluster eyes And your coconut cream pie pubis How dare you sir I apologize One more riddle before we get the road Yes please There's 100 cows 28 chickens How many didn't How many didn't Yeah Cause it was their mother

1:15:55Bobby Lee:There's 100 cows And 28 chickens How many didn't None No

1:16:01Andrew Santino:Priest No 80 Why 28 chickens 28 chickens How many didn't

1:16:16Andrew Santino:28 of them 80 didn't

1:16:21Bobby Lee:Harlan thank you for being a bad friend Thank you for being a bad friend Guys surprise I'm not done

1:16:45Woo-hoo! Yeah!

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