Privileged Bottom

29:25Bobby Lee:Right? There's a snake. What's going on? That's Jesus. Okay. All right. He's fat, Asian, right? He's happy. Exactly. I'm more of a Shang Di guy. That's who I am. Who's Shang Di? Shang Di is the original - Describe it. Well, Shang Di - Describe it. That's my cousin. Yeah. Go ahead. Second cousin on my mom's side. Shang Di is the original Chinese God. That's the supreme God. Can you describe it without looking at the photos? They also changed the name to Tian. Describe it without looking at the photos. Shang Di. fucking like the sun. Look it up. Light, cosmic. I don't know how to fucking describe him.

30:00He's just like our God. God in Jesus, the God of Jesus. He's hard to describe.

30:04Bobby Lee:Beautiful. He looks like him, me. That's Shang-Di? Yeah, that's Shang-Di, dude. He's Chinese, though. No, that's not - Watch me with a beard. Imagine me with a beard, dude. Go to all real fast. Is that Emperor Guangwu, whatever his name is? Zoom in on Shang-Di. Supreme deity in ancient Chinese theology dating back to the Shang and Zhu dynasties He's initially viewed as the ultimate ancestor of the Shang royal family. He controlled victory, harvest, weather. Hey, weather. He's like Storm from Exima. Someone else took that over years later. Later, Protestant missionaries famously adopted the term to translate the concept of the Abrahamic god into Chinese.

30:40Bobby Lee:So he was the original from the Shang dynasty. Right. So he was before, way before Buddha, though. Yeah, because he was 16. Not only that, but he's also, Tian is the same god, too. They're one and the same. Hey, what part of Spain are you from? I'm from the north. From the north, but what city? Santiago de Compostela. Oh, Santiago de Compostela. I was going to go visit. Yeah. And then everyone told me not to. Right. When I was in Spain, they were like - Too many bells. Don't go. Are there bells there? All in the streets. It's all bells. The whole place is made of bells. Little tiny bells. Is Yao Ming, he lived close to where you were?

31:15Yao Ming is Chinese. Yeah.

31:18Bobby Lee:The basketball player? No, Lamine. Yamin Lamal. There he is. He's super talented, that kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's your all-time? Who's your all-time? Of what? Is it Henry? Henri. Henri. Thierry Henri, I think, is my guy. What about Bar... Burkamp. Burkamp. Yeah, yeah. Fucking nice. Legend. Dennis Burkamp. Yeah, yeah. I like him.

31:42Bobby Lee:I can't. Why can't you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, you don't understand. It's like edging. Soccer's like an edge the whole time. I'm an edger. Aren't you an edger? What is that? It gets close to coming, but you never nut. Yeah, I never nut. Oh wow, that's gotta be painful. That's what soccer is to me, painful to watch. The only time that ever happened is like when your mom walk in, when you beat off. No, I don't know that. Okay, but then sorry. Go ahead, finish it though. Finish it. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. You know what you do? You're in there thinking you got some privacy and she's like, hey, you want pancakes?

32:14Bobby Lee:Like, ah. You've done that? How many times has that happened? Just once. Okay. You do got the pancakes afterwards. Was that traumatic? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty traumatic. My mom, she just, you know, she just pretend like it don't happen. She just say, okay, well now. Jeez, he's going at it. How old were you when that was happening? 28.

32:37Bobby Lee:Oh boy, I hope you grow up a little bit, Doc. I saw what was going on in there. but she the one who gave me the the the sex ed book instead of just sitting down sitting me down and talking to me did you read yeah there's a sex ed book page and there's like photographs in it sitting on the toilet and he's like this and it's like it's okay to masturbate and i was like really and there began my porn the past repubritant wow so what did your mom go sit down talk i want to talk to you about sex she gave him a book just gave me the book bob oh okay book on your desk can you read it and i was like all right and what in the book it had masturbation it was a chapter yeah yeah i discovered it on my own how about you you didn't need a book i didn't need a book no it got hard i'm like you discovered it differently than everybody else oh wow yeah for sure for sure okay when i was molested i wasn't hard oh i didn't say you i didn't even talk i wouldn't even talking about that he's talking about the experience of the joy.

33:38Bobby Lee:Yeah. Wait a minute. Was there joy? Just asking. Interesting. I think my dad kind of said something. I think my dad said - Hey, kiddo. Hey, kiddo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what else did he say? What are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Come over here. Okay. Well, am I, all right, I'm naked. Yeah, come over here. Okay, I'm over here. Look at this. You know what this is? Oh, that's yours. No, this is a magazine. Oh, what is that? It's, you know, pretty good magazine it's called hustler oh nice how you doing i'm good yeah you want to look better now yeah yeah now do you feel any kind of thing down there no you don't no look at this what is that oh a cologne advertisement yeah smell it yeah drug car now i'm hard yeah so your pops introduced you i think he just taught no no not like sex not jerking off stuff I think my dad said something about, if you're gonna do stuff with girls, you go get a condom.

34:38Bobby Lee:I think that was like the most that he said. It was like, if you're gonna do what I, what you're probably gonna do at your age, just don't, don't, don't, don't be dumb. Just go get a condom. So when y 'all got in middle school, if my mother would just would've waited one more year, they taught us that. Cause we had sex ed and, and. Yeah. And there wasn't circle jerks. See how Bobby left. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I understand. What are you talking about? Circle jerks? I don't know. We didn't have a community circle jerk at the app or on, you know. We did. Yeah, you did. You got it. You discovered it on your own.

35:06Bobby Lee:So what happened was, so my friend Alan's dad had videotapes, right? And so what I would go, I would go, hey, can you steal one of his videotapes? And can I borrow it? Yeah. Yeah. I love the video. Back then it was like a movie called Debbie Does Dallas. I love Debbie Does Dallas. Debbie Does Dallas. Yeah, it's a classic. It's like porn's, you know, Vertigo or whatever. It's apocalypse now. Yeah, yeah. But so that was what year was Debbie Does Dallas? 19. She was before our time. It had to have been 80, 78. Yeah, so that's perfect. You know what I mean? So I'm like 10 years old. He has Debbie Does Dallas.

35:45Bobby Lee:And I take it home. My parents are at work. It was a weekend. And I mean, she jerked off real quick. Like three pumps watching Debbie Does Dallas. And then the little thing came out, like a little droplet. and I was like, it felt so good. And I was like, wow. Like a, just like a, like a volcano or like, was it a fucking, or was it like the over the side? It made that sound. It was more like a. It made that sound when you walk into a Korean store. Ding dong.

36:19Bobby Lee:Yeah, but I just remember that. I must've been like 13, I don't know. 13, 13 is about right. Yeah. Yeah, 13. Wait, wait, wait. y 'all parents didn't have porn? No. No, dude. What are you talking about? Yeah. I didn't either. Yeah, your parents did. Yeah, your dad. Yeah, your mom did. He's found your mom's. My dad. Your dad had it? That shit was all over the place. I was like, he's the worst fucking hider ever. I was finding porn under the couch, under the shelves. I was like, dude, you got this shit everywhere. Did your mom never say anything about it? I'm quite sure she watched it with him. She had to, because I'm just like, fuck it, this is too much porn.

36:53Bobby Lee:Yeah. Because my father - They're watching it together. I'm a freak like a motherfucker. Some people use Jurassic Park as a family.

37:03Bobby Lee:Gather around, family. We're going to watch Jurassic Park or whatever, but not you guys. I guarantee you. Forrest Gump, everybody, come on in. I guarantee your pops probably had corn hidden somewhere. No, we didn't. For sure. For sure, I didn't. For sure. Yeah, my parents were traditional Korean old people. My dad did, for sure. But it wasn't in the cupboard. It wasn't near the cereal. Did you look for it? No, because I had my own. I had ours. All right. Well, what I meant by the shelf is I was like one tape under the couch. What do you mean? Is it dried basil? I mean, is that a shelf? No, what I'm saying though is I became like Inspector Gadget.

37:37I was looking at the chimney. I didn't give a fuck. I was like, where's he keeping this shit? And I was finding his stash like this motherfucker. Man, it was like a marathon of beating off. I said, this is insane. He's a little gadget. Magazines everywhere. I said, this dude got fucking - A clock. Yeah.

37:55Bobby Lee:Your dad's just trying to make you a detective. He's like, Doc won't be a detective. You found it eventually. Yeah, I was. Was he like the Riddler? He didn't leave clues? Like a little card, you know what I mean? Welcome, Doc. The three main spots. If tits are what you're looking for, lift up the floor. Yeah. The three main spots was underneath the couch, behind the couch, underneath. no we don't know what are you talking about by the way i'm trying to tell you i was lifting the couches and shit yeah yeah yeah the couch beneath the couch i i get it if your parents were watching it together why would they just keep it in their bedroom yeah because that's why i was finding that shit too it didn't matter it doesn't matter they should have just kept it yeah kept it in the room i don't think my mom i think my dad was the one he just was just into that shit yeah he just was hiding it that's the way he was at my mother would did But my father, I'm like, he's the one hiding this.

38:52This is dumb shit. Cause I was finding this shit everywhere.

38:54Bobby Lee:He wanted you to find it. Probably. Yeah. He wanted you to find it. He was hoping that you were interested. And they had a master bed. I mean, a king size king bed. Yeah. Most parents have that. No, no, but they, my parents don't have - My parents don't have a single bed, but yeah. Not even the secret compartment. On top of the, what do you call it? The headboard? Yeah, it's not a headboard, but it's the headboard but it's like it's the couch beneath the couch the triple couch situation yeah that one oh but the head but not the headboard no it's like i don't even know what to call it because it's like it was a mirror right what are you talking about you ain't never seen no like this all right so there's like bad let me let me do what a king bed a dresser and there's a mirror in the back whole thing that goes with the bed yeah so like the bed frame and the headboard right but this is like so the headboard is actually a mirror with drawers and then it's got two oh that is that it bigger than that oh bigger than that yeah we can visualize it it's like a whole contraption they had like it was very oh i see i understand because that's what my friend alan had his parents had a water bed but in behind it there were cabinets there And a mirror.

40:14Bobby Lee:And there was also a mirror on the ceiling for some reason. I don't know. Yeah. These people had. In my mind, I was like, what is that about? Like, what do you mean? What is that? People have. There you go. What do you mean? See that one right there? Yeah. Something kind of like that. Which one? The one all the way on the end. That one. With the blue. Oh, you just. No, with that blue one. With that blue one? No, no, no. Go back with the arrow. Okay, like that. Like that. Okay, like that. All like, yeah. Like that. Okay. There's a micro-ribble. up there what the fuck is going on there man there's a whole bunch of shit up here what is it Santa yeah rent a center who's it yeah wow you never seen y 'all never seen any no I've I think seen I've seen 70s versions of that but yeah yeah so there's a contraption I don't have that at home up on the top very tip top yeah he used to hide tapes in the area yep right up in there yeah i used to claim dvds or tapes all of them okay we didn't have dvds in the 80s laser dance just vhs and all magazines the film the old film thing that they put the reel in reel to reel yeah reel to reel what was funny too is it just was penthouse hustler yeah he had a couple playboy but playboy playboy was always weak he wanted yeah He wanted the nasty.

41:32Bobby Lee:He wanted that. He wanted that and I showed it out. I said, that's what I'm talking about. This dude, like father, like son. You know what I mean? No, I don't. Yeah, I don't. But wow, so he hid in that backboard. Yeah. And also the couch behind the couch. Where are some other areas? Kitchen? Okay, so we had - They had a kitchen behind a kitchen. Oh, they did. Yeah, two kitchen. We had a entertainment system in the den. It was underneath the shelf. It was just where you could just barely slide anything under there. Okay. So it just squeezed underneath it. There you go. Yeah. Like that. Like that.

42:07Bobby Lee:Well, so it would be - You have to lift that whole thing. Way bigger than that. Okay. Okay. One that we had. Like that. Like that. Like that, but better. Okay. Okay. A high level. Yeah. And it was underneath like that. Okay. Like that. So - And you had to lift that as a kid to get to it? It was like, it was a space elevated enough off the floor where he could just squeeze them in and he would try to push them all the way to the back. But this guy. Yeah, you found it. Yeah, wow. And you probably felt like, you know, excitement finding it too. Like, my dad's going to hide it and I'm going to find it.

42:42Bobby Lee:It's like, you know, it's a little game you're playing with your dad. We find Easter eggs. It's an Easter egg. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's amazing. And what kind was it? It was, that's how I got into Taboo. The corn tablet. Come on back, B. Come on back, B. Kachava. I'll tell you what, guy. Tell me, guy. I'll tell you. I drink the stuff. It's so nutrient-dense. It's all the nutrition your body craves in one delicious simple shake. And let me tell you something right now. Kachava's got its new cinnamon French toast. It's so good. It's so good. You love, you really love the mint chocolate. Mint chocolate chip is one of your ultimate favorites.

43:23Bobby Lee:I have them all. Chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut, acai, strawberry, coffee, chocolate mint. And of course, the new cinnamon French toast. It's pretty incredible. The best part about this is, man, energy, digestion, strength, metabolism, cognition, immunity, cachava supports literally all of these things. If you haven't tried it, you really should. The flavors are so good. It doesn't taste like one of these shakes that's filled with all sorts of like powdery nonsense that gets stuck in your - No GMO, dude. No soy, no animal products, no gluten, no preservatives. No fillers, no nonsense.

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45:21Bobby Lee:He said start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Bad Friends. quince oh my god i love quince because it's like high level fashion nice material but you're not paying as much you know for it i'm telling you dude this is so soft it's so soft this is like your little tushy this is like bobby's little smooth tush i love it i keep going back to these guys they sent us a bunch of stuff and i was like yeah let me try it on 100 european linen pants they have shirts are very breathable easy to throw on summer upgrade needs to happen in your clothing rotation. And this is the best part. Bob said it. They start at just$34.

45:54Bobby Lee:Oh my God. Their tees are soft enough to live in all day. And the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when summer nights cool down. It is so nice, man. And everything at Quince, by the way, is priced 50 to 80 % less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories, cut out that middleman, that nonsense middleman. So you're paying exceptional quality, not for the brand markup because that's where you get taken. And it's not just clothing. Quince right now has become I'm a trusted favorite for everything from home to travel to everyday essentials. They sent over some travel stuff for me, which was very nice.

46:25Bobby Lee:Thank you, Quince. And now I've got all the clothes I need for my little trip, plus all my little essentials for my on the go. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash badfriends for free shipping on your order and a 365 day returns. Wow. It's not available upstairs in Canada too. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash badfriends for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash badfriends. You know, it's better to be a dad now, I think. It's easier to hide. When you're not getting laid as a kid, that's what you do. But then once I started messing with the streets, I was getting it and, you know.

47:00Bobby Lee:Usually, seven-year-olds are not getting laid. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's a sex epidemic now with 20-year-olds, you know. I mean, it's bad. So they say. No, it's true. Who's polling that? And who's saying yes or no? I think it's college campuses. Where could they get that? I mean, like, which colleges? I mean, there's polls and stuff. People call. I know. I don't buy them. Show me a poll. Show me the poll that kids are having less sex than ever. Because I don't buy it. Who would say yes? You'd lie. You'd be like... Wait, wait, wait. The kids are having less sex? Yeah, they say they are. Now? The Youth Risk Behavior Survey.

47:34Bobby Lee:Oh, because they're in a grand game. Today's high schoolers are reporting lowest rates of sexual activity than previous generations. Yeah, because they locked in on their own... The Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 32 % of high schoolers. Who's taking that? Imagine they go to your school like you guys want to take a survey about sexual activity. Everyone would be like nah fuck that. So the people that said yes are the nerds that aren't fucking. No I think Doc's right. I think the dopamine hits right that normally kids would get are now exchanged with video games. No I don't think it's dopamine. I think the fear of the internet is what's real.

48:04Bobby Lee:It's not the dopamine. We had dopamine hits. I played Duck Hunt for a thousand hours a fucking day. Real talk. The problem is they're afraid of the internet, of like a girl saying something about them like, Tommy Martin's cock is sideways, then passing it around to everyone in school. Right. There was no communication. When we were kids, it was word of mouth, and half of that shit was not true. You know, like I remember this girl, they said that this older guy, we were what, sixth grade, and they said an eighth grader, she poured syrup on his wiener and licked it off. and then in high school someone asked her she was like we've never even hung out me in that yeah but it was like people just made up shit because they're like yeah i heard the my girl there's a girl that's in my class i forgot her name i feel so bad about that but there was a rumor that she took three bunnies and put it in the microwave and they exploded in her microwave right and i remember at school i went bunny killer slightly different topic i know but i'm just saying about it's good though yeah this is real Yeah, this is real.

49:04Bobby Lee:That's what happened. Yeah, there was a rumor, right? And I called her bunny killer, right? And then the teacher came up to me and yelled at me. It's like, you have no proof. You have no, you know? Yeah. These are just alleged, you know, allegations. But it sounded real. It sounded real. And then if I saw her now, I'd be like, I know you didn't kill bunnies. Oh. Yeah. By the way, now she's doing it. After all those years. Yeah, maybe she was. Instead of putting them in the pot, she'd throw them in the microwave. What was a big rumor in your high school that got around? A big rumor. That like everyone was saying.

49:34in high school.

49:36Bobby Lee:I'll tell you what our high school did. They tried to elect twin brother and sister prom king and prom queen. That was like the meanest thing ever. Did that happen? Yeah. Yeah, I was never in there. Taboo. Yeah, I was never even in the running. Were you in the running? For prom? Yeah. No. Yeah, I wasn't even. No. Even the funniest guy in my high school was a guy named Matt Ueda. Where's he at? I don't know, but, and I remember when him getting the, you know. Prom king? no he got we had a funniest guy like different like oh oh oh he got funniest guy you know i mean in our class and i remember in the yearbook you're seeing it he had a front page like a page right and i remember going i'm so much funnier what did you get nothing i got nothing he wasn't there enough he would probably you probably were absent a lot yeah i missed junior year Rehab.

50:29Bobby Lee:Rehab. Yeah. So it's kind of like, you can't get voted in if you're not really around. Okay. All right. What'd you get? Anything? I didn't get shit. Me either. I was popular, but not like that. Most likely to go to the NBA? Imagine he was taller than everybody at one point and they were like, man, Doc is gonna go, man. He's gonna go to the league. I actually beat the JV team. See? And I got kicked off. That's insane. Why, because they kept growing? Nah. Get your little ass out. They come back from the summer, They're like, damn, Doc. Just on your look, you look like a bowler. I do bowl. Yeah, yeah.

51:01He's nasty at bowling. I got a ball. I got a -

51:03Bobby Lee:Yeah, yeah. You know he's nasty at bowling. Do you roller skate or no? Yeah, I did. Yeah. I would love to go to roller skate with you. Roller skate, basketball, football, somewhere to baseball. Everything where stuff is close to the ground. Yeah, that's what I love roller skating. I go by myself. Yeah, if I fall, it hurts way more. What is it close to the ground? Skydiving? What the fuck is that? You're not jumping a lot. Yeah. Basketball? That's too far for you. It'd be crazy if I was a poll voter or something. Yeah. You have any alien updates or anything? I'll tell you one. Tell me. It doesn't have to be alien.

51:38You could just -

51:39Bobby Lee:Give me updates of your life. What's going on in your real life? Are you still working? No, I haven't worked in about two years. Hell yeah. So right now I'm like in between us, I might pick up another job, depending on if I have this other project that might go through. And - Like a podcast? Like a podcast? No, no, no, no. This is acting. But I'm working on my stand-up more. Like I said, I've been going back and forth to New York. So I want to go to New York this month, end of this month, and keep building the stand-up. I ain't really been doing too much of nothing. Just that and hanging out with my cousin, trying to give him some time.

52:14Bobby Lee:Do you collect unemployment? No. Why not? I did when I first left Amazon, because you can't get it now. But Amazon, don't they have an unemployment program for as long as you work there? Don't you get benefits when you leave? Yeah, I got those already. And you're done. Yeah, I'm done. How about this Wednesday? I do a belly room show. This Wednesday. It's New Joke Night. You want to do it? Comedy store? In the belly room. Upstairs. Upstairs. Come do it. It's always packed. You guys, yeah. It's not him. It's my show, but I'll like, you know, Andrea Gin's on it. There's a bunch of people on it. Because, you know, I hate going to the comedy.

52:47Bobby Lee:I know you do, but go come upstairs and do the belly room. I'm doing brand new jokes. Best thing is you can sneak up the stairs and not see anybody. Yeah. I'm cool. I'm cool. Come this Wednesday night, dude. I'll put you up. All right. Yeah. So you can get some rounds in. Yeah. You know. Wait, what are you doing when you wake up in the morning? You eat? Give me the routine. The doc routine. I wake up, I eat. What time? Check my email. What time is it? It's like seven, eight o 'clock. In the morning. Yeah. Wow. Do that. Then I go walk the neighborhood around 11, 12 o 'clock. Doing what? Stalking?

53:17Bobby Lee:Well, no, no. Prepping. It's called prepping. Oh, probably roaming. It's called a mire from a distance. Cruising. Cruising. He's cruising. Yeah, he's cruising. He's peeping? He's peeping? Peeping. Okay. All right. So you're walking around the neighborhood. So once you found your victim, then it's - No, so you're walking around the - Walk around the neighborhood. Then I come home. And then I just chill at the crib. Make lunch? Yeah, and I might go do a mic or if I got a little small show to do or something like that, I do that. And I just talk on the phone to family and friends. I'm telling you, my life, my friends, they be like, man, your life is boring as hell.

53:53Stop calling me.

53:55Bobby Lee:Yeah. Yeah, but it sounds very easy and nice. Man, because I'm 52, so what more can you really do? I'm not a party Hollywood drunk, you know, like Bob. I'm just - Sober almost five years. Yeah. Almost. Yeah. So that's good. That's insane. So goddamn proud of you. Yeah. But I'm 55 as well, so we're getting older. or maybe you're just slowing down physically. Yeah. Well, you know what I was going to say though is you're the only person that ever drink and get fucked up and don't party. You've never heard of this guy, like partying anywhere happening. Who? This guy. I did it alone. Alone? Yeah. He always liked it alone.

54:34Bobby Lee:I'm in an alone, private. In his hotel room. Yeah. I'm not one of those guys. I'm going to go to the bar or, you know. That's me. I love the bar. Yeah. You do? I love a bar. Yeah, he loves a bar. But how do you get drunk? like fucked up alone like is it like uh what makes you just go fuck it just me and i'm just gonna because for me it's like it was it was always just hiding like i knew what it was and it's me covering up feelings and um not wanting to be here and it's like why would i do it in front of other people you know so doing drugs alone and drinking alone privately in my bedroom is my thing god damn that's depressing it's it's it is depressing You know, I remember when I was detoxing, I thought I was going to die the last time.

55:20Bobby Lee:And I was waiting for a room to open up at a place in Phoenix. And I slept by the doorway of the hotel because if I had died, then they can discover my body sooner.

55:37Bobby Lee:What the fuck, dude?

55:41Bobby Lee:You got to be one of the most selfish motherfuckers. Why? Why? People didn't walk in and see you fucking. No, I just thought that I felt like I was going to die. Oh, yeah. Right.

55:55Bobby Lee:You're right. I felt like I needed medical or something. All right. Forget it. I'm sorry. It's like one of the most vulnerable things that have happened to me in the last five years. You think his death was like was influenced by his need to be seen as a famous person? I want him to find me dramatically. like on the ground I don't feel well no I was just I took a pillow okay

56:26Bobby Lee:yeah I just would sleep by the door with a pillow how you feel now I feel great I feel great but I don't like the way you mocked me I've told that story before I've never had anyone laugh at it oh I'm sorry Yeah, that didn't seem like We gotta get Doc to go to AA meetings To just laugh at every story Yeah, it was just like my bottom

56:52Bobby Lee:It's so crazy It's so crazy to hear a famous person's bottom It's like, what the fuck Yeah I wasn't in like a nice hotel It was okay Yeah, it was a nice hotel Poor kid in a third world country He's like, I wish I could be I'm very lucky I'm very lucky that I got to stay in the nice hotel Waiting for a room to open up at a rehab I'm very lucky Privileged bottom It's a privileged bottom but for me it was my bottom Yeah that's the name of his new special Privileged bottom Watch it now on Hulu When does your special come out? November? November what? I don't know For Hulu Hulu Probably should have been pulling one out You know what we're good Yeah yeah yeah You're pushing, but I like it.

57:41Bobby Lee:You should have fucking did it? I did it already. He shot it already. I shot it already. You should have been done it. Yeah, but I already did it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did it. All the fans was looking for this. They've been looking for your shit. Yeah, and it's coming out. Why are you angry all of a sudden? I'm like, this guy, he's like one of the guys that just won't give the people what they want. and it's like, fuck you.

58:13They've been wanting this shit for a long time, Bobby. It's like, drop the special, motherfucker. Even I don't want it. I was like, why Bobby?

58:19Bobby Lee:Yeah, but he wants to make it a real special. It's a special. A special special. Oh, this one is dear to your heart. I didn't know. Get it out. Get it out. I like it. Get the frustrations out. It's not frustrations. Yeah, what is it? In vino veritas. and wine there is truth well it's it's it's uh admiration yeah he admires you you admire me yeah it's a comic you you you're funny dude like kevin spacey in the movie seven but you know what i want to do i admire you from afar you know what i mean you come brath that's the wrong remember that's what it sounds like yeah yeah yeah what's coming a little psychotic it's called finally you've already done what three five no i've done uh i've done three three yeah how did you feel about this one i don't know i saw it a couple times i go i can't watch it again you guys i i get you know i told the producers just whatever just cut this my laugh out a lot oh yeah so um you're going to new york well so you're gonna go try to live in new york No, no, no, no.

59:31I'm just wanting to just, I've just been going back and forth over the past few years. Where are you staying

59:34Bobby Lee:when you go to New York? In the hotels. Oh, you don't stay with like a friend or anything? Nah. There's two hotels or just one? I do like three, four, about almost a month out there. Just one. That's got to be expensive. It's expensive. It is. Why don't you just stay with a friend? There's got to be comics. Well, I got family, but the problem is, is I like to just be in, out, gone. Now, the last time I stayed with, you know, Lee Syatt that does the podcast. He used to do Joey Diaz's show. Yeah, yeah, they still do. They still do. Oh, yeah. So I was staying with him the last time I was there. In Jersey?

1:00:05No, in New York.

1:00:06Bobby Lee:Oh, he lives in the city. Yeah, he just recently got married to - Slept on the couch. Yeah. Did you sleep like that? Well, I could have slept in a bed. I had the whole apartment to myself because he has this - Why are you so defensive? I didn't know he had a spare bed. Maybe he could have. Yeah, but I didn't sleep in his bed. It's weird. Even though I could have slept in a bed - What? Because you never know. Like I know he probably washed, but sleeping in another man's jizz is weird. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, yeah. Oh, you're assuming a lot, but yeah.

1:00:36Bobby Lee:You think he knew Inspector Gadget was coming to sleep over, so he left some clues for you? You're like, what? Black Inspector Gadget.

1:00:49Bobby Lee:Yeah. Where's the bird? Oh, look, that's you, Doc. He has a good picture. Yeah, he's got a gun. Some porn, some money. It's just great. Got the vino in the one hand. Yeah, the vino right there, yeah. Will he find his bitches? Yeah. That'd be a good look for you. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah, where are my bitches? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Wow. I'm out here inspecting, man. Yeah. Could you have become a detective, you think? you know what i uh recently just tried to apply for being a police dispatcher because i just wanted to see if i can do it i failed the whole motherfucking time i failed that shit wait wait how's that hard don't you just answer the phone no no no no no like so when they bring you in they give you all recordings right so it's all emergency calls it's like yeah such and such but it's like so much shit going on at once and you got to try to memorize this shit all right let's i'm calling in hello hey you're fired that's what i'm trying to tell you you're already fired 9-1-1 what's your emergency yeah yeah do that ready go trying to tell you 9-1-1 go ahead what so you start 9-1-1 in an emergency uh my cat is stuck in a no i'm the guy you're the fucking you're the guy i see why you yeah yeah oh i'm the guy yeah yeah you're the 9-1-1 how may i help you how much your emergency what's your emergency it's like the literal yeah the little thing yeah yeah this is what i'm trying to tell you yeah yeah yeah i'm always i came home i came home and my parents my my parents they're not breathing would you guys just relax i'm always on the other side getting arrested so what are you talking about my parents are not alive let me see the test they put the test online yeah what what don't it's like if it's if it is online whoever put that up they're gonna get the rest.

1:02:40What was the test like? The test is all recordings. So it's like 911 calls and then you have to jot down the information that's happening and you have to make sure you take the most crucial points and then they do a multiple choice question.

1:02:55Bobby Lee:And you failed those? I failed. Okay, here's some, right? But wait a minute, what I'm confused about is they're writing stuff down. Aren't they on a computer while they're on the call? You can hear them. They're typing the names, addresses so why would you have to memorize it because you gotta it's when when you're under pressure right you have to be able to retain the information yeah you have to know what okay ready to take yeah you're doing yeah pick up the phone 9-1-1 is a joke in your town already failed yeah yeah my family's dead okay i'll do it 9-1-1 what's your emergency hi yeah my my son just broke into the house and he shot my brother and my mother-in-law and they stole my dog uh three of our dogs they stole uh kibbles uh whiny and poops me and um he's wearing a black i'm sorry poops me what is that poops me was the name our four-year-old gave our four-year-old is in the house too he's upstairs he's trapped um i need gabe is your brother please come back fast please come bye is gabe your brother they're gone oh i'm the cop ready yeah all right emergency what's going on oh um a man called you know i mean and the brother broken in the house shot the brother named Gabe stuck in there.

1:04:06Bobby Lee:Gabe? Yeah. And there's animals. How many? A couple. What are their names? I don't know. I didn't know this was going to be this kind of test. That's what he had to do. I had to put that applied. Is that my dream? Why is that your dream? Don't yell at the cop. I'm sorry. That's not my dream though. I just put in the application. I didn't even think they were going to call me. They called me like, come on in. I was like, what the fuck? They need people. They need people. That's a tough gig. that's a tough one you're listening to sad shit all day i can't do it's too traumatic you know what i do i told them be my eyes i do be my eyes you know be my eyes this it's great look up be my eyes my friend hillary signed me up for it's an app where blind people call you and they say like hey can they show you they're they're facetiming you and they go hey man what am i looking at like i'm like my last one was a guy working in his garage and he was like hey what part is this is and like what size is this?

1:05:01Bobby Lee:What is this? So I was telling him what the parts were they were in front of him that he needed. That's not the same thing. This is bullshit. It's bullshit. What do you mean? No, you help these people. Is that blind mechanic? No, it's a man just fixing something in his garage. Yeah, call Ikea. Call Ikea? Yeah, they'll bring over. They'll come and help you. Yeah, it's not landing. This is a good thing. This is a very good thing. So a blind person. Yeah, you guys are dumb. You didn't say blind person. Yes, I did. You did? Okay, tell me again. The first thing out of my fucking mouth. Blind people.

1:05:33Bobby Lee:I think they should call it something else. Be my eyes. Yeah. Pretty literal. No, no, no. Eyes without a face. Be my fucking eyes. How about eyes without a face? Eyes without a face. That's not. No, it's great because blind people, if you don't know. Yeah. They're blind. It's not that most people that are blind can't see anything. That's like a common misnomer. It's not like you see blackness. That's actually super rare. so they see but they can see distorted so a woman called me and goes hey which bag of vegetables am i holding i can't tell which one this is you can't chat gpt it shout out to nate and hurt how is chat gpt going to tell her what it is i'm sure you can take a photograph what kind of vegetable is this i don't know maybe she doesn't want to use chat gpt they used be my eyes okay so so i be my eyes a lot i like that that i do they call and it goes blah blah blah someone's calling.

1:06:21Bobby Lee:They can't be my ears. They can't do that. That wouldn't work. That failed. That failed. Yeah, yeah. So what else are you trying for? I got 49 out of 79. I was supposed to get 79. You had 49 out of 79? The test was out of 79? No, 79 was just a pass. I got 49 on it. That doesn't sound bad. I left a whole, because when the recording came on, I left the whole section. By the way, he goes, I got 49 out of 79 and I'm like that doesn't make sense you got 49 out of 100 but I just tried to make it better yeah yeah well you asshole I know when he said 79 I go what a weird what an innocuous number for 49 out of 100 is wild they give you like 30 putting your name on it huh yeah I think so it was like the recording was so fast it's rapid and they tell you they say hey you're not gonna get everything just jot down what you can so it gets it goes from slow and then it goes progressively like just to that goddamn top speed.

1:07:20Bobby Lee:Were there people in there taking it with you at the same time? Yeah, it was like 50. Did any of them pass, do you know? I probably - It's gotta be a few. There's gotta be a few. It's gotta be a few. Oh, they're 49. That's how many people do you think auditioned with him? I'm gonna be honest, like I didn't even want the job. Audition. Did you meet the director?

1:07:39Bobby Lee:Please, Slate, please. Yeah, interview, the interview. How many people interviewed at the same time you did? Took the test. It wasn't, it's just about 50 people. 50 and you think there'll be two come out of it? I would say one or two get it. Yeah. It's gotta be someone that's really good at like retention and regurgitate. What if 40 % caught it? The chick next to me was so fast. 50%. Maybe half. The chick next to me was so fast. I said, she just doing, she just writing shit down. There's no way. But if she was that fast, I said, this chick passed. Maybe she did. Yeah. If you're a fan of ours and you do 911 operator, please.

1:08:11Bobby Lee:By the way, 911 operator is so funny. They're listening to our show instead of taking calls. please let us know down below reach out to carlos in the booth at gmail.com we want to hear your story i would love to hear you know what i mean i'd love to 100 that there's some 911 operators out there that's a fan of your show you know who i think our biggest contingency of fan what by far huh people who call 911 no okay okay probably but very good yeah that's very good drivers i passed the typing test drivers oh the type there's a typing test there yeah that's how I got to the next phase. How many words per minute?

1:08:44I think I typed 43 and you only had to do like 35. That's good. Then you thought, oh my God, I got this. You gotta be able to type in bigbuttmint.com quick.

1:08:55Bobby Lee:Below 40 is not good. So you just got it. 40 to 50 is average. 60 is good and 80 is advanced. Yeah. I'm 20. I gotta be 20. Can you type? I voice text. I don't even fucking time. like David Spade. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Y 'all didn't have typing. We do a lot. Yeah, like Spade. Typing wasn't a curriculum, a must. Yeah, when we were in high school. In high school. Oh yeah, so you should know how to type. I don't know the numbers though. I don't remember what mine was because I just did whatever they needed. I think if I want to know where the T and the H are, right, and I have my index fingers on those, I think I can do it.

1:09:29Bobby Lee:Well, just - Oh no, I can type like this, yeah. You don't need - Well, you know the homero keys though. T-H-P. Yeah, yeah, A-S-D-F-L, whatever the - Yeah. yeah i know no he doesn't type yeah he hunts and pecs he does this i think he'll do it and then he goes

1:09:52Bobby Lee:fuck yeah delete delete delete yeah yeah you guys know how to type you know the home roll keys yeah okay what about you carlo i mean i know how to type yeah yeah i i can't like list the keys by from asdfl what is it well i don't i see it but i don't know yeah here's a question for you guys would you do neural link in the future oh yeah 10 years from now i don't even know what it is but i'll do it chip implantation and you're oh fuck yeah you uh sure i'm doing all of it i don't care yeah i don't have kids yeah why not i'm not valuable i'll be the first guy to do it i'm not a valuable guy i can get out of here and no one would it's fine yeah put it in my head 10 years from now that's why i said it'll be way more what if the wrist thing isn't that funny everyone in this room is childless except for you you would never do it i wouldn't do this see what i mean and carlos would you do it no too early for 10 years 10 years is gonna be so advanced in 10 years it doesn't even seem i don't know that doesn't seem like a long time yeah how far we've gone in 10 years from now yeah think about 10 years ago and how far we've gone from then to now and then it's exponentially getting faster every year we can't even predict 10 years could be insane.

1:11:02Also remember that AI is also a big contributor to the technology advancement of Neuralink. So now would you do it? Probably not still on it. What's the hesitation I wonder?

1:11:16Bobby Lee:I already got something on my head. Oh you don't want to fuck up your hair. Yeah. We're going to have to go through that. And they do Neuralink now for people with hair transfer. He got his hair done. Ain't shit there. You really got something there? It's worth it. When did you get it there? Come here and show him up close. He can tell up close. Two months ago. It just started. Oh, two months ago. It takes a long time, but he gets there. Let me see what you got there. It's going, dude. Look. Look at how much better that looks. Well, I would face him forward. Yeah, there you go. Look at that. Look at how much is there.

1:11:49Okay. Yeah, I'll touch it.

1:11:52Bobby Lee:This is the weirdest. Yeah, it's all right. I've never touched it. I've never touched it. You want to touch it? Yeah, I can touch it. Gave you consent. Who's going to tell him, fellas? Who's going to tell him what?

1:12:08Yeah, it's like cheap hair. It's only two or one. Go get your money back. Money back, Carlos. It was free. It was free? Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's what you get when it's free. Do you feel the confidence coming back? Or how do you feel?

1:12:21Bobby Lee:No, I forget about it all the time. It'll be a couple months. He was confident when he was bald. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. That's what I like about that. It never mattered to him. Fuck. Ever. Would you get it done? Plugs? Yeah. Nah, I'm going to go on ahead and just. Yeah. But you shave your head anyway. Yeah. I mean, I don't shave it, but. I'm saying you, what do you call it? You have nice hair. Cut it short. Yeah, I cut it today. Yeah. So my shit is like. Wait, who cut your hair? Me. You cut your own. Yeah. I used to be a barber. I didn't tell you. I know. Damn. I got surprises for you, motherfucker.

1:12:49Bobby Lee:He was everything. Baker, barber, anything. Candlestick maker. Wasn't it hard for you to line yourself up, though? Isn't that what they say? No? No, not as... My eyesight isn't as... Because I got to tell you, one side is higher than the other. Yeah, but my hair don't grow like straight. Everybody's... I know, I know, I know, I know. Yeah, it's a little crooked that I can see from here. That's okay, though. It look good, though. So you line your shit up in the mirror? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Beard, everything. Do you have like a template to line up? Do you put on your head? You've seen this when people put the...

1:13:16Bobby Lee:Put the bowl on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Not a bowl, but you know what I mean? They have guards and guides now, so you can line up yourself. you've never seen amateurs oh okay rookies i'm a seasoned vet here okay yeah well you got that looks good i never noticed tower of peas out there blended like i used to blend it but you're doing it wrong they do say it's hard to do on your own because it's in the mirror that's got to be tough look at that fade for beginners well if you take a three shaver like you know i mean the whatever level three i don't know what that means oh you mean the the clip number the clip number oh yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:13:50Bobby Lee:And you just do it. Why would that not work? No, no. He has to line the line, the hairline. I'm losing ones and no girls. I'm deep in a trench. We're talking, not the whole head. We're talking about lining up his hairline. Yeah, right here. Okay. Right here. Black guys get their edges. You edge your line. Oh, I wouldn't edge it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're an edger. You get your shit edged too. Look at your beard. Yeah, we edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have a barber. Because I have, you know, because I have a little bit of flavor, Doc. Not about that bald spot in the middle and the back, but not yet.

1:14:17Oh, wow, he's strong. Wow, you're strong. A lot of shade. You give this guy a bottle of Josh, and he's a hater. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Y 'all be hating on me? Fuck off y 'all. Y 'all be hating on me.

1:14:25Bobby Lee:I know. No, we love you. I'm not hating on you. Today's, you know what I did today? What'd you do? I go, we need duck today. Oh, ain't that special? Yeah, yeah. You did? I did. Because I just, today, I was doing other podcasts. I was brain fried. How do y 'all do that? It's so hard. Bouncing the podcast, I don't like it. Yeah, it's hard. I barely like doing this shit. Thank you, bro. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. Like when you get the call, do you go, fuck? Yeah, sometimes. But I'll tell you why. You two are very gifted. I don't think you guys really, well, maybe you do know because that's why you're rich.

1:15:03But let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You two go do the way that you do voices and accents and shit. Like even when I came on here, I was like, I don't fuck you.

1:15:12Bobby Lee:Hey, how you doing? I'm Jimmy Small Eyes. Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck that was? Is that the gift you're speaking of? But even in the character work that you two do, it's funny, it's believable, and it just crosses over. It can be. It can be. Sometimes it's a struggle. I think it's our little play place. This is where we get to fucking goof. It's like our little goof. It's a goof area. It's a goof room. I see the same two dudes on stage though because I grew up with you guys yeah no I know what you mean we are yeah no you're right well because what? no I don't know I mean we're polar opposites in many ways very a lot yes of course he's more alpha except our comedic dials seem to be on this it's like what's that thing Duncan Trussell loves it you know the thing that's like shout out to DT I love that dude you know he has that like it's like electric It's like electric waves between your hands and it like, do you know what I'm talking about?

1:16:13Bobby Lee:Of course. I don't know the name. Xylophone. Xalemone. Xalemone. I don't know what it's called. But I mean like you can have these different sounds and they're so different, but somehow they like blend well. That's like him and I. We're like two different frequencies. We're two different frequencies. Right? Xylophone, right? Or no? No, no, no. It's like with a hand. It's like with your hands. Yeah. What do you call that? That's what I'm talking about. What do you call that? Let me.

1:16:49Bobby Lee:Isn't that wild as fuck? Yeah. His right hand, though. Look at his back. I know. You're doing that with Taboo. I know.

1:16:58Bobby Lee:Be nice, guys. He has Parkinson's. That is nothing new with the music. Oh, God. Yeah. It's beautiful, is it not? You've heard that in music. A theremin. You're using two electrical... Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. There is no strings. It's all because of electric... So it's the currency from his hand to the... Yeah, it's the current. You're interrupting the current. Oh, okay. You don't even know about this. No, I've never even seen it. Yeah. Have you heard of a didgeridoo? What year was this even? Well, what year was the theremin invented? Probably in the 60s, 50s, 60s? I don't even know. It's a cool instrument.

1:17:37because he's doing the fucking theme song from when is it from 1920 good god 20 dude from from fucking that was somewhere somewhere over the rainbow yeah yeah you were in that movie wizard

1:17:57Bobby Lee:of oz yeah you weren't toto yeah i told him yeah little black bastard yeah at least he wasn't I'm just talking about the flying monkeys because then I'll be. Brother, I'm not going to go there. I'd be the scarecrow, I think. You can go there because you know what? Because you have no heart? That's a tin man. No, no. Scarecrow has no soul? No brains. No brains. No brains. Yeah, I'm totally the scarecrow. You're the no brains. Yeah. What am I then? I'm probably, I'm not the cowardly lion. Oh, I'm the man behind the curtain. I'm the wizard. Yeah, you're the wizard. Yeah, and you're Toto. That would be me.

1:18:29Yeah. I would be the guy behind the curtain. No, no, no. No, because of my voice. because remember he had that powerful as he would open the curtain and then he's like

1:18:37Bobby Lee:little bitch you know the whiz was a black wizard of oz no yeah that's the whiz the asian one wouldn't work because of the yellow brick road would disappear well Toto would only have been for one scene that's for sure yeah he's a yeah the tin man would say made in china it would break down he breaks right away right away yeah yeah yeah and then scene yeah and see yeah the movie will be five minutes long yeah in the whiz the whiz the yellow brick road it was martin luther king boulevard that

1:19:19Bobby Lee:all right we gotta go yeah doc look into the camera sign off for us i love you hey love y 'all thank y 'all for checking out bad friends we'll see y 'all soon No, that's not what it is. Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, all right. I always fuck it up. Yeah, yeah. You got it. All right. Thank y 'all for being a bad friend. Go.

1:19:41You give a beautiful voice.

1:19:49It's the piano talking. As if she wants to stay around and she will be loved. And she will.

1:20:03Bobby Lee:Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Well, give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Okay.

1:20:51Fuck you.