EP 47: Letting Go of Perfection and Building Resilience: The Real Secret to Success Over 40

0:00Hello and welcome back to Becoming Her, Fitter, Better, and Stronger over 40. I'm your host and coach, Shauna. I am 46, a wife, a boy, mom, and a fitness and nutrition coach helping women over 40 become their best. Today, we're going to talk about something that will change everything about how you approach your fitness goals and really any goal in your life. We're going to be talking about resilience, how to build it, why you need it, and how letting go of perfectionism and the all or nothing mindset might be the missing piece to your lasting success. Because the truth is, the reason most women struggle isn't because they don't know what to do.

0:35It's because they don't know how to keep going when things aren't perfect. And after coaching hundreds of women over 40 and dealing with this myself, I can tell you this with full confidence. The women who win are not the ones who never fall off track or have failures or have setbacks. They're the ones who know how to bounce back faster and smarter. So today we're going to dive into exactly how you can become that type of woman who is resilient, who is fearless, who just continues to push even when the chips are down so that you can build the life that you want to live. So grab your favorite drink and let's dive right in.

1:13Let's start with the biggest obstacle that I can see holding a lot of women back, which is perfectionism. And I used to be that person who hid behind the idea that I'm a perfectionist. I just need perfect plans and a perfect environment before I do something. And that honestly was a lie that kept me trapped. And maybe it's keeping you trapped too. But perfectionism looks like commitment, but it's actually control. It's that inner voice that says, if I can't do it perfectly, I'm not going to do it at all. You start strong and maybe you're meal prepping for a week. Your workouts are scheduled. Your steps are tracked.

1:47Macros are logged. You're feeling good. A few days go by or weeks and then something happens. You might miss a workout. Maybe you go over with your calories. Maybe you have a weekend that goes off plan and suddenly that little voice inside your head says, see, you blew it. So instead of just continuing, you view it as a failure and then maybe even spiral. You tell yourself, well, what's the point? I'm just going to have this moment and then I'll start again Monday or I'll start again when life slows down and my circumstances are perfect. But at that moment, the gap between slipping and restarting is exactly where most women lose their results.

2:23Because perfectionism convinces you that progress only counts when it's flawless. But success doesn't come from flawless execution. It comes from consistent effort, even when it's messy. The truth is that perfection is not discipline. It's actually avoidance. It's the fear of being seen as anything less than ideal. And when you let go of that illusion, you make room for something that's far more powerful. Progress. Now, perfectionism's best friend is the all or nothing mindset. Again, something I used to struggle with all of the time. You know this one. If you can't give 100%, you give zero. If you can't do the full workout, you skip it entirely.

3:04If you can't track every little bite, you stop tracking all together. Tell me if this sounds familiar because this used to be me. I used to be that person that was like all in or all out, again, convincing myself that that's who I was. But again, that story was just holding me back. So when I had my son at age 39, I was turning 40, and that was the beginning of a brand new chapter with my fitness goals, if you've heard my story before. It was a brand new approach on health and fitness because I wanted to build a body that was gonna be here for years and years to come because I was an older mom.

3:40But when I started my fitness journey, being postpartum, being over 40, my body was tired. I didn't have a lot of time. I wasn't even going to the gym at the time. I didn't have perfect conditions. I didn't have a perfect workout plan. I didn't have a perfect anything. But I did have drive and I did have a desire for a specific outcome. And I just decided that I was going to put forth whatever effort I could. And that's all I did. And I continued to do that. Some weeks that meant only a 10-minute workout while he would nap. And some weeks I could get more. And little by little, as he got older, as I got more time, I built up more resilience.

4:20I built up more strength. My workouts got longer. I built up better habits with the kitchen, fueling myself, having a protein. Like all of these things compounded over time. But they never would have compounded if I waited until things were perfect or didn't keep pushing when things were not perfect. I had to keep going. I had to change my mindset because the old mindset was what was keeping me swinging between those two extremes, either all in or all out, where you're either overperforming or you completely checked out. And think about what happens in between those two extremes. You have burnout.

4:56You have frustration. You have guilt. You start to associate consistency with failure because it doesn't feel intense enough. You think if it's not hard, it's not working. But your body doesn't thrive in chaos. It thrives in showing up imperfectly over and over again. And that all or nothing mindset is seductive because it kind of feels exciting. You know, when you find a new program and you get that hit of motivation because you're starting over, you're starting fresh. But that constant starting over is stealing and robbing you from progress. And here's the trap that most of us get stuck in. We mess up.

5:30We maybe skip a workout or we overeat one night and instantly the guilt sets in. and that guilt turns into shame. And then that shame leads to us feeling like we have to overcorrect, like we have to make up for it. So the next day we might restrict our food, we might do an extra hour of cardio, or we might cut out all carbs, or we search for a new extreme plan that feels hard enough to punish the mistake that we made. We're trying to restore control, but what we're really doing is creating instability. Your body doesn't need punishment. It needs consistency. Your metabolism doesn't thrive on extremes.

6:07It thrives on rhythm. Your mind doesn't need shame. It needs compassion. Every time you try to fix yourself through restriction or extremes, you dig deeper and deeper into that loop. The real correction is not punishment. It's redirection. It's stepping back and saying, okay, things didn't go as planned, but what can I do next? How can I get back on track? And that shift from punishment to perspective is what can help you build resilience. Resilience isn't just about toughing it out. It's not just about willpower or pushing through no matter what. Resilience is the ability to adapt. It's the ability to recover quickly from setbacks.

6:45It's what allows you to stay in motion even when things aren't going perfectly. It's the mindset that says, this one moment does not define me. This one-off day does not erase my progress. I don't need to start over. I just need to move forward. Resilience is built through patience, by showing up in the middle, when motivation is gone and things aren't going your way. It's a skill. It's like a muscle. And like any muscle, it grows when you use it. So how do you build it? I want to break down for you kind of like a step-by-step plan on how you can build resilience when things might go awry so that you aren't going back to that slippery slope of shame, blame, and being in that all-or-nothing mindset.

7:29Here's the process. It's a five-step framework that's going to help you build resilience and recover from your setbacks with ease. First thing I want you to do is just stop. This is the first step. We are going to stop the spiral. The moment you start telling yourself, I blew it, or I'll start Monday, I want you to pause. Pause, take a moment, take a deep breath, and say out loud, one mistake does not erase my progress, because it doesn't. That's the truth. Get to the logical part of your brain instead of going through that thought loop that takes you down that other path. Remember, perfection is not something that actually exists and it will only keep you trapped.

8:05So this step interrupts that emotional reaction and gives you space to respond logically. It's about reclaiming your power instead of letting guilt drive the next decision. That single pause, that moment of awareness can save you from having that full-blown derailment. So after you stop, I want you to then recognize what actually happened. Don't judge it. Just get curious about it and ask yourself, okay, what triggered this? Was I tired? Was I stressed? Did I maybe not prepare as well as I should have? Am I emotional? Something going on in my life that maybe led to this? Did I skip meals earlier and ended up overeating later?

8:43Did I overcommit to my day and wasn't realistic with where things are in my life right now? Recognizing the why will help you prepare for next time so that you can stay on track. Most of the time, what we call lack of discipline is just lack of awareness. So when you understand the pattern, then you can help prepare yourself for next time and you can make changes for the future. Now, step number three is a big one. And this is one that's hard for some of us to do. We give it freely to other people, not so much to ourself. But I want you to give yourself grace. Grace is not weakness. is wisdom.

9:22Grace says, I'm still worthy even when I mess up. Grace allows you to stay consistent instead of quitting. And here's the thing. You cannot hate yourself into a better body and you can't shame yourself into better habits. Progress grows in an environment of compassion, not criticism. When you give yourself grace, you create emotional safety and that's what keeps you consistent. And to put this into perspective, I want you to think about maybe having a boss or having a mentor that every time you made a mistake would just hammer you, just tear you apart. You're the worst. I can't believe you did this.

9:58You always do this. You're no good. I want you to think about how well you would do. That environment would not allow you to be your best, to grow, to perform well. You likely would make more mistakes. You would not trust yourself. And it would be a really toxic environment versus you have a boss that holds you accountable, wants you to perform, but also extends grace when you make a mistake and understands that you're human and you're going to have bad days, but offers you compassion and then extends a conversation of like, okay, how can we make this better for the future? This is what you need to do with yourself.

10:36I want you to think about those two people. You want to hold yourself accountable, but do it with grace. Now, step four is tied into that accountability piece, but you're going to take immediate action. It's time to move. You don't need a whole new plan, but you do need to take one small step that reminds you you are still in control. This is where you're going to take your power back. Maybe it means you're just going to prep a nice high protein meal for your next meal. Maybe it means you're going to drink some water or go for a walk or start prepping your meals for tomorrow or pre-logging your meals for tomorrow.

11:11This is a small simple step that's going to create immediate action that's going to help you start to rebuild trust with yourself. And that trust is what you've been missing when you feel like you're always restarting. Action will break that cycle. It creates momentum and momentum builds belief. Now, step number five is I want you to set a short-term goal, especially related to whatever it is that you fell short with and make it realistic so that you can have a quick win. So this could be you're going to hit your protein goal for the next five days. You're going to complete at least three workouts this week.

11:44You're going to hit a certain step goal for seven days, or you're going to go to bed on time for the next week. These short-term goals are going to allow you to have short-term wins that are going to rebuild some confidence. They're going to give your brain evidence that you can follow through, and that creates motivation and momentum. When you start stacking those wins, you stop needing to be perfect because you see that progress is built through consistency and not extremes. And anytime you have a hiccup, you're going to repeat this same cycle and that's going to bring you right back on track without having to go to extremes or quit altogether.

12:21Now, here's what I want you to understand is that perfection is not the goal. Progress is. The most successful women you see didn't get there because they were perfect. They got there because they learned how to show up imperfectly again and again. And I guarantee you they have made as many mistakes as you, if not more. People that succeed have been willing to fall, fail, and get up more than most. And they allow space for bad days, busy weeks, emotional seasons, and they don't start over. They just adjust and they continue. When you finally let go of perfection, you free yourself from that constant stress of trying to control everything.

12:58You stop judging every little mistake and start to learn from it. You imply that wisdom. You realize that off track doesn't mean failure. It just means human. And when you make peace with that, everything becomes easier. Your workouts, your nutrition, your mindset, your life. You start showing up with patience and power. You become consistent. You become someone that you can trust. And that consistency is what's going to transform everything. And this mindset doesn't just change your fitness journey. It changes your life. Resilience isn't just for your workouts, it's for your relationships, your career, your business, your motherhood, your faith.

13:34Because how you do one thing is how you do everything. And when you can face hard moments without collapsing, when you can keep showing up without perfection, you will become unstoppable. Resilience turns pressure into power. It turns mistakes into lessons. It turns I failed into I learned. And that's what real success looks like, not perfection, but persistence. So here's what I want you to remember is that you do not need perfection. You need resilience. You don't need more discipline. You just need more patience. And you don't need to control everything. You just need to keep moving through anything.

14:11And when you let go of that all or nothing mindset and start embracing the messy middle, you will finally find the freedom and the results that you have been chasing all along. So take a breath. Take the pressure off and stop waiting for perfect conditions and start practicing resilience one small comeback at a time because resilience is what's going to change your life. I hope this episode resonated with you. If it did, I would be so thankful if you left a rating or a review. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. If you have ideas for future episodes, please DM me. I would love to hear from you.

14:49and if you're ready to start building the body, the mindset and the metabolism that supports the strong, amazing woman you want to become, check the show notes where I have information both on my membership and my one-on-one coaching. Let's build strength inside and out that lasts a lifetime. Thank you so much for joining me today and until next week, keep getting stronger.