Alexandra Burke: Becoming Chaka Khan & Finding Her Purpose After Grief

28:41Davina McCall:Monzo current accounts are for 16 plus UK residents. Teas and C's apply. You were shown singing. You were kind of like teased a bit with the possibility of signing to Motown. That got taken away from you. You're a bit upset but at 16 you made a decision yeah to leave school yeah yeah and go and pursue yeah a career in music yes yeah how was your mum about that oh upset um she wanted me to have plan b yeah my dad was furious with me i never forget i ripped up those college papers and i said it's not for me i was actually 15 at the time turning 16 right and i said to her five is my lucky number so I want you to give me five years.

29:25That's an odd amount of time. Well, I said, well, at 20, I can still go back to college and I still be young enough to do it and get a job and then go into university. So I'm asking you to give me five years when I won the show at 20. Wow. My mum couldn't believe it. She was like, you need a plan B. I was like, I don't need a plan B. My plan B is plan A. And my plan B is plan A. I said, you've done it. I said, I want to be just like you. I want to be a mum and I want to be a singer. So let me get the singing right. let me meet the man of my dreams at some point and then let me become a mum. And here you are.

29:57And here we are, right? You've done it all. And my dad was like, basically used to say to me, you really think singing's going to work out? And I was like, I really believe it. It was like, you need to be a doctor or you need to be a lawyer. Those are the two things you want to be. And I was like, I don't. I do if it's the backup plan. But the A choice here is singing and you've got to support me on this. And he's always been supportive, don't get me wrong. He just wanted me to have that plan B. my dad is um you know he's he's a realist i guess in a way and singing doesn't always work out for everyone yeah and he didn't want me working the circuit for the rest of my life and doing pubs

30:30Davina McCall:and clubs and stuff and i get that now that i look back so what was amazing because that first year that when you were 16 and x factor and you went for x factor so talk us through that okay experience so i'm really that experience was hard because i wasn't really talking to my mom so my mom and i stopped speaking for two and a half years which was awful um and my dad stepped up in those two and a half years and was there for me, which was great, right? And I was living with my ex at the time and that's when I was going through a really bad abusive relationship. This is the issue you were talking about before, yeah.

31:00So it was really bad. My mum didn't actually know what was going on. I never shared it with anyone. And I told her when I finally had the guts to leave him

31:07Davina McCall:after I got hit one last time. Those kind of controlling people as well. They want to keep you away from people like your mum who keep you safe. Absolutely. Absolutely. Little voices. You don't need them. Yeah. And I just never forget, I've just never spoken about this, but I will today because it's helpful for others if they need to get out of these situations. I got dragged down those stairs one last time and I walked out barefoot, ran to a telephone box, which no longer ran anymore. And I rang my brother, David, and I said, get me home immediately. And he sent me a car where I was, ordered me a pizza.

31:43And my mum walked in from a gig and said, I told you you'd be back and I told you so. she was quite firm with me god that is yeah it was tough tough and um and i told her yeah you were right and i shared a single bed with my sister and i needed time yes and i didn't tell my mom what i was going through and then it was my mom that was like you're auditioning for x factor again so when i was 16 i went on it i went for x factor sorry i moved forward quite quickly but I went for X Factor and Louis Walsh at judges' houses told me I was too young and I needed to go home. And I'm so pleased.

32:21Davina McCall:So how did you feel? Did you feel pleased straight away? No. God, no. I was heartbroken. I even went on. I want to say, was it called GMTV back then? Because it was GMTV and Dave Raeck was on one of those shows, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of them. I went on and I was like, if it was open to, they've opened it up to 16-year-olds and, you know, no 16-year-olds have gone through and it's really devastating. But actually, it was the right thing for me. Because I never would have been able to go back. Once you do the lives, they never let you come back. You don't win, right? So I was never going to win.

32:49It was Shane Ward's year and that was his time. And Louis, and later, you know, years later, Louis actually said to me, I felt like you were going through stuff and that's why I felt like you couldn't go through. And he was right. He just didn't know what I was going through. And then I went back home two years later. Eighteen and a half, I think I was. Yep. Yep. Two and a half years later. and that's when my mum was like at 19 you're auditioning again and I was like no there's no way I can go back the shame and humiliation I would never get through and she off she goes to Emirates gets to two of the numbers and and we missed the solo auditions so she was like we're going in as a band and I went well what's our name then mother and daughter I said well first of all that's rubbish isn't it because who's going to believe that we're called mother and daughter as a band that's the worst name you could think of she goes well it doesn't have to make sense it

33:39Davina McCall:doesn't nothing needs to make sense i just need you to get through wait so wait let me just get this right so you had missed the solo auditions so you had to go as a band as a band and your mum was like i'm in a band with you we're called mother and daughter yeah love her right okay then she goes we're singing ain't nobody shakakam because we sing in the pubs and we knew the harmonies like like it you know like it was nothing to do with our eyes closed she went Alex I'm going to sound like a dying cat that's how I'm going to sound and she was like just acknowledge the fact that I sound awful and just make it look like whatever so acting skills have got to come into play so she's giving it large and I'm looking at her like you're mental and then they go right right stop stop stop so this is front of producers not the actual not in front of cameras and they went oh we're not too sure about this and we think we're going to say yes to daughter no to mum and split you guys up and she went and that was always the plan.

34:34Flicked her hair, walked out. I thought, Jesus Christ, take the wheel. What's she doing? And I was just embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I thought, this is never going to work. And a lady come up to me and says, you need to come back tomorrow wearing the same outfit and we're auditioning you by yourself. So off I go, wash the outfit. My sister got me from Primark. It was fantastic. Got me a little hairpiece, tied it up and go back the next eight, nine o 'clock. They didn't see me till nearly 7pm. They said, make sure you're here by nine. I was there by nine. There before nine.

35:07Mum's there with me, the whole family. We're waiting the whole day. They let everyone audition, have me waiting the whole day. I'm the last person they audition. And as I walk in, they go, Simon goes, I've met you before. And I went, yes, years ago, but yes. And Louis goes, you were a part of my team. And I said, yes, it was me. and then I actually sung Aretha Franklin, Natural Woman. Oh, yes. Which they never aired. And then Simon says, I don't want to hear that song. I said, well, okay, well, that's the audition. So now, now, now, I want to hear what you sung three years ago because I want to compare.

35:45And I thought, oh, okay. So that's why the audition, when you see it, I start going and I clear my throat because I've already just been singing. So now I sing, Saving All My Love For You, Whitney Houston. and then it all erupted in the room and it was amazing and then the full circle moment is then my first ever theatre show is then playing Whitney Houston in Bodyguard so I audition with Shaka that's my first ever originating role then that audition in front of the cameras is Whitney that's my first ever role in theatre oh it's just the universe has been yes do you get where I'm going

36:25Davina McCall:with this it's so kind to me yeah wait and can i just say something i think wasn't wasn't the final i think it was something like eight million votes were cast yes yes and you got over 50 percent of them did i yes oh my god yeah i mean i'm god i remember hearing eight million votes oh wow yeah mind blowing and i wasn't favorite to win i don't know if you know that i wasn't the favorite No, no, no. Can I just say something? No. Beyonce. Oh, God, can we talk about it? I've got to say, I can't tell you how many times I've watched that. Yeah. Just because of the joy of seeing your face. And you going.

37:07In disbelief. You going. She's singing, I go. Yeah, I know. I know, I know. But how lucky am I, right?

37:17Davina McCall:No, when you really think about it. No, but can I tell you something so cute? there'll be people in I'm Every Woman going aww do you know what I mean they'll be doing the same thing about you but like I also feel like watching that clip of you and Beyonce on X Factor and listening to your voice which was freaking amazing but what's interesting is listening to you now in I'm Every Woman in comparison to even what you were with Beyonce how far you've come since then. I mean, you were absolutely breathtaking then. I can, from when I listen to, like, for example, Hallelujah. Yeah. Oh, my God. It sounds so different.

38:00Davina McCall:Can I just say, Hallelujah was... I was lucky to get that tune. Extraordinary. Thank you. I love the way you keep saying you were lucky. But you know why? It's not my version of the song, can I be honest? Whose it is? My mum's. She recorded it on a dictaphan and said, this is how you're going to sing it. So it's not my take, it's my mum's take. I'm just delivering what she told me to do. Yeah. I used to write, I've kept a diary since I was nine. Have you? I've kept a diary since I was nine, I've got all of them. Is it brilliant going back? It's strange because some of them, I'm upset with my mum.

38:34Davina McCall:Yeah. She's away again. She's not here. And then you see the relationship with Shaka and her daughter. Yes. And why it triggers me and why I'm in tears. Yeah. Because that is a reflection of what I went through with my mum. And I'm playing it on stage. But now as the mum, feeling sorry for the daughter going, oh, I get why you're upset. I get why you're upset because now I've been there. And it's so tough. And that's why I'm saying after the show, I will have to do therapy just to release how I feel because a lot's coming up for me. And it's the method acting that's not really helpful, but it is helpful because I'm doing a job.

39:13I'm not a trained actress, so I have to go with gut and method acting to deliver. but I've got no techniques because I've not learned anything. Do you know what I mean? I've got nothing. Well, you've got nothing to protect yourself. Yeah. And that's where I struggle because it's a challenging role. Like, you know, I've been blessed with roles, but none of them are a story of someone that's here and playing in front of them. Can we just talk about how she came the first night? What was that like? That was wild. Okay. Like, so she was there and God bless her. She's tired, you know, just, just landed.

39:46she's promoting her album you know and she looks fantastic by the way wow i just and i could just and smelling i was like you smell amazing and i was just like how are you doing this and she's like i'm tired and then she called me her spirit a spiritual daughter and um and i'll never forget when we were in rehearsals and she turned up once she just kept saying to me you remind me of me and she's got touching my face and she goes you actually could be my daughter and I was like oh my god like what a woman and I just kept saying to her when she was there the other night and she said I'm not I'm tired I'm tired I was like yeah but I got you we've all got you we're gonna hold you up tonight and I said you're tired because as well you're about to see your life on stage and that is overwhelming you don't want to see this but you're we need to we need the constructive criticism we need to know where we've gone wrong maybe we need to know if we're if we're delivering this right it's your story and your story has to be shared to inspire

40:41Davina McCall:other people and she just looked at me she's like okay you're right i said yeah we're all here to support you but she must have been so grateful it was you because those words yeah that's what she would have needed to hear maybe but i also can't imagine how she was feeling yeah and you know how heavy her show is her life is or has been and you're about to witness it and we don't do it halfway like we are going full out and then i said to her i tell you what else is going to lift you I'm going to bring my kids out. Well, that lifted her. Oh. My youngest just kept going, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful.

41:17Really? Are you serious? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, my... You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. Stroking her hair. Oh. My eldest was like, it's Shaka Khan, because they know who she is. They know who she is, because I play her music, I play her videos now, and they go, it's Mummy. It's Mummy. No, no, no, no, that's not Mummy. I'm playing her. Try to make them understand, and they're not understanding. But then they saw her and they went, it's mummy and shaka khan and i was like okay so now you're getting in the same room and they were very confused at first because they were going mummy mummy and i was like no that's not me and it was just amazing it was just like she was really lovely with them and i just got a picture of them and i thought to myself in 20 years will i show you guys this they're not going to believe it wow yeah what a moment yeah how old are they now okay so is this okay yeah yeah yeah one uh okay so both boys thank you say it because it's really hard to just

42:14Davina McCall:you know like can we just discuss what you've just done there because just in case anybody's watching and they don't know yes how private you are and how much you guard your children's safety and privacy and i respect you thank you and down so much for that but it's very important having children especially when you both are famous yes yes you know what that entails yeah and i think for for us like it's the one thing that was for us yeah so we've never revealed their genders and of course i post them put little hearts in their faces it's quite clear that they're boys but i've never actually said it in public right and it's only simply because of protecting them but also protecting us in that little bubble we were in such a gorgeous we still are in that little bubble and when they were first born they're only they're 14 months in between the eldest is he's four the youngest is just about to turn three and I'm not gonna lie to you without having my mum there tough Darren's mum's in Ireland so I don't even have my mother-in-law there his family all the way over there my family are scattered and it's like we've got no one so we've got to try our best to make do with cousins and family people that can come in in their own time to help us out because we don't really have anyone to help and and people have lives right so you you can only depend on people when you can well when they're free um and I remember being asked about this and I can say this now with a smile without crying because I'm I've not got hormones racing around my body but i got asked on loose women why are you so protective i just burst into tears and i just given birth to my second born at the time i think it was and and i remember being quite tearful about it because i was so protective over them and now i'm just like i said to darren the other day i'm like it's so hard for me to to not say they're boys i'm proud of them i'm proud of my boys and it's so lovely to finally say that i what I mean um you are being protective yeah and that's yeah so we don't show their faces no one knows the names but I've never released a picture of my children ever my middle child my middle child wanted to go public at 19 right and that's okay my other two don't want to okay and you can't find pictures of them online anyway there you go and that's all right 19 and 24 and it's nice for them yes you know my daughter my daughter works in an NHS hospital and nobody knows who she is.

44:47When they get older, if they say, oh, I want to have an Instagram and do whatever, that's absolutely your choice. You do you, darlings. You do what you want. But for now, I'm enjoying this. I'm enjoying the fact that they don't really know what I do. They think I just have some makeup on and go on stage and sing. And they don't really understand it. They don't really get it yet. Do you know what I mean? They're not at an age where they get it. They just go to me, mummy, are you going to go and be Shaka Khan today? And I go, yes, baby. And then they cry at the door going, I want to come. And I'm torn.

45:17It's really hard because it's quite a heavy show that I don't want them to watch. But they've seen bits of it twice. And then sometimes, well, my eldest boy goes to me because he gets it. He watches Panto and stuff like that. And he came to see me play Captain Hook last year. Obsessed with Panto. Obsessed. And goes to me to this day, months later, Mummy, if you're not Chaka Khan, are you going to be Captain Hook? I'm like, no, baby, that's done as well. you're like the coolest person honestly they think i'm really cool and it's really lovely but but it's nice because they don't get it they just think mummy dresses up and and sings i feel for you which is their favorite tune and then they get up and they start break dancing on the floor because in the video they've got break dancing and they're copying it all so if they're not in the music industry i would be shocked because they've got some rhythm i'll tell you that now i'll show you some videos after this they are so special they're so wonderful you know it's funny

46:09Davina McCall:I was telling you about boys the other night when my son took my head in his hands when he was a little kid and he used to look at me and I used to think, I don't think I've ever been loved like this Right, right Can we talk about that? So I sleep with my eldest just to make sure he sleeps, right? Oh I did a really good interview with Catherine Ryan and she was talking thinking about it's a good thing to co-sleep and to let your kids feel safe thank you yeah i want darren to hear that yeah darren because he right darren right darren yeah because he tells me off he's like you need to start this was a conversation last night and i got a little bit it won't happen forever and that's what i say to him they're not gonna be in your bed they're not gonna be in your bed when it's because he misses me and he tells me that he's like alex i miss you and i want you back in our room and I'm like yeah but baby you snore I've got to figure that out darling because I need to sing and if I ain't sleeping that ain't working but then I'm not sleeping with my eldest son because I'm not getting good quality sleep is what I mean I'm getting a little solid amount of four to five hours max I get a night probably if I take myself to bed by midnight because he's up by five so I'll give you the difference between my two sons the eldest is so like me a thousand miles per hour energetic bam bam bam everything's go go go go go And that's because when I think it's because anyway, when I was pregnant with him, I was doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

47:39So he was hearing, it was red and all the time, hearing a live band. So he's all about the music. He's like lively. Always comes to the gym with me in the mornings when I'm out of training. He's upstairs and I've got videos of him with his little plastic weights. Go, come on, mommy, we're strong. We can do this together. I'm your best friend. That's what he says to me. It's amazing. And then my youngest is now getting into the dancing thing. Right. So he's starting to be, but he's chill. He's like Darren. Darren's very relaxed. Everything he takes in his stride, nothing bothers him. That's my youngest son.

48:09So I've got one like me, one like Darren. But it's so funny how they both are together. And boys together are on fire.

48:17Davina McCall:Yes. Right? The energy. They keep me on my toes. I've lost weight because of them. I'm like, I'm just like, these two are wild. And now we want more. You kind of have to run them ragged. Yes, you do. And even then, it still doesn't work. It doesn't work. So I don't know what's going to make them work. So I just bought, you know, calms. Oh, yeah. They've got a kid's one. Yeah. And I said to Darren, I wonder if we should start giving them this, because I have calms all the time, which is great. But Darren's like, no, they're boys. It is what it is, because he's got a brother. He gets it right. But I just think, and I've got to say this, I never thought I'd meet someone on an online dating site.

48:51And that's how I met Darren. And I have to give thanks to my manager, Nathan, for making me go there, okay, with signing up for the site and actually agreeing to meet up with Darren, OK, because it's all on him. I mean... I'm not going to lie to you, I didn't know who he was when I met him. I had no idea.

49:06Davina McCall:It's probably quite good for him. He said he was an astronaut and a dolphin trainer. Darling, I believed him. Wait! No, no, no, I'm going to give it to you. Wait, I love that. I'm going to give it to you. Oh, my God. It said on that site, he's an astronaut and a dolphin trainer. And I went, this is fucking brilliant. What a guy. Right. Six months up there, six months down there. Don't have to see him for six months. No, I sound like an absolute no-ant. No, but can I tell you something? I sound like an idiot. This will make you feel better. I believed him. Somebody told me once that they'd taken the word gullible out of the Oxford Dictionary.

49:40Davina McCall:And I went, really? That's what I was supposed to see. Okay, okay. We have a great connection. I believed him, called Nathan and went, my manager, who I talk about all the time. Guess what I found? Babe, this handsome man's just come up. He's an astronaut and dolphin trainer. It's amazing. Don't have to see him for six months because he'll be up there. Alexandra, like the two go together. I said, what? Why can't they? And he was like, Alex, Alex. And we're really having this conversation, Alex. I was like, here we are, because I believe. Is it not real? And he went, I'm going to Google him. So he did.

50:19Darling, he's the goalkeeper for West Ham. I said, X. No, don't want a footballer. Go away. Did you? I exced him three times. three times because I was so burned by picking the wrong men that I painted him with the same brush

50:34Davina McCall:it must be no get away from I can understand that because I think historically we look at yeah footballers and they must be yeah and you know and that's not always the case no no no two humans are the same and um called Nathan I went oh god this hot he's come up again this is another the fourth time. And he went, Alex, you can't paint everyone with the same brush. He's coming up for a reason. Just press the heart button and see if you connect. Well, press the heart button and we connect. Bang! I went, well, I'm not talking to him. I'm not talking to him. He's not going to hear from me. And I heard from him first.

51:08It took me four months to meet up with him because I was so nervous. And I took him to where I used to take my mum for picnics in Hampstead. Oh, really? And we went on a dog walk when we were finally allowed to like meet up outside and stuff. And the rules had all changed because it's June COVID. and I took all four of my dogs and I thought, let me bring a handful here. Let me see how he goes. Let me see what he's like. And you handled this. Dog whisperer. He had my puppy off a lead. That's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. He went, don't worry about it. I went, well, don't worry about it.

51:38I've just met you. What do you mean? Don't worry about it. And what got me was his Irish accent. So, of course, I knew he was Irish and then when he sent me a voice note, I went wild because he sounded so sexy. God, how gorgeous. But also, he's a good guy. He's been raised right. his parents have done a fantastic job on both of them him and his brother yeah and the top the creme de la creme is he's a fantastic father i never forget the day i told him i was pregnant oh my god he was cooking me my favorite meal spag bol can i just wait can i just i thought i couldn't love you more so your favorite meal but you just said spag bol is my favorite it's my favorite yeah we have at And you make it.

52:23Davina McCall:Homemade. Homemade. Oh, yeah. All the time. And you do the freezer bags. Babes. Yes, yes, yes. The one thing I do want to try, I sent it to Darren. I saw this reel on Instagram. I know I sound like an idiot, but I want to try it when you put, like, paper on the table. You pour out the spaghetti on the table, put the sauce on top, and everyone just digs in. That's what I want to do. So I want to do it with the kids. That's a great idea. I think it's fun. Yeah, it's fun for the children. The boys. The boys will be like that. Yeah, yeah. So I think we'll try that next week. Just got to get a night off.

52:55That's never going to happen. I'll try it after Shaka. After Shaka. On a Friday night when I'm home. That's what we'll do. After Shaka. I've sent you photos.

53:01Davina McCall:But yeah, he's an amazing dad. And he's such a gorgeous human. Isn't it interesting how when somebody is a great parent to their kids, how attractive that is? Yes, 100%. It's such a beautiful thing, isn't it? It really is. It really is. And don't get me wrong. Look, we all know relationships take work. It takes effort. It has its ups, it has its downs. We've never had a full-on blown argument. We've been together five years. I refuse to raise my voice. I refuse. And he knows that. If we have an issue, we discuss it as adults. We're raising your voice for it. That's a health. Don't shout at me.

53:39I'm not shouting at you. That's healthy. And always respect each other within these discussions. You never swear. You don't, none of that attitude. No one needs anything like that. Talk. Speak. Think, find a solution, get on with it. That's my attitude. And he loves that about me. Because I refuse. I refuse to have a shouting match with you. A, because I don't have the energy for it. And B, I'm not going to lie to you. That. I'm not losing my voice for an argument with a man. Not a chance. I want my partner to be my best friend. Yeah. Right? And kids came quick for us. We'd never been on a holiday together by ourselves.

54:14We were only together eight months. We were saving embryos. In the middle of that, I got the call. And my GP said to me, my doctor said to me, do you really want me to find out through your bloods if you're pregnant? Look, because you're giving me vibes that you are. And I turned to her and said, you ain't Jesus. You don't know if I'm pregnant, darling. I ain't pregnant. So we're saving these embryos, darling. I'm not ready for a child. A few hours later. Someone's got a different idea. Absolutely. A few hours later, I'll never forget. I was wiping off my makeup in that bathroom. And I sat there.

54:41I stripped my clothes off, ready to get in that shower. She calls me. And because my doctor's like a friend as well. I looked at the phone forgetting that I'd been at the doctor's I wonder what she wants gullible me right silly old me I remember looking at the phone I remember going are you okay why are you ringing me at this hour and that's exactly what I said and she went you don't know why I'm ringing you and I went are your kids okay you okay everything okay everything's fine Alex are you sitting down I said I can be I'm back to walk in the shower but she goes you might want to sit down so I sat down and I'm like alright I'm sat she goes you have no idea why I'm ringing you.

55:17I said, no, I don't understand what the problem is. I'm such an idiot. Honestly, sometimes I don't think I'm in the real world. She goes, darling, you are very, very pregnant. I remember dropping that phone, screaming, crying, going, no, I can't be. It's not now. It's not the time. I need my mum. I need my mum. I need my mum. Oh, Alex. And I couldn't stop crying. Oh, Alex. Yeah. I was like, I can't. I was like, how am I going to look after a baby? And she went, this is not your doctor speaking now. This is your friend. You're having that fucking baby. You've prayed for a good man. All you've talked to me about is that you want the right man.

55:58I've met him. I love him. I love him for you. You've finally done it. Everything you've prayed for, you've got. And you're telling me no? I'm not letting you not have this baby. You're having this baby. And then she goes, I'm speaking. She was a mother. and she gave it to me. Oh my God. And I remember shaking, telling Darren because I remember giving him, giving it to him saying, I'm not ready for a child. We're not having a child right now. Let's wait. I've got this big job coming up. It's about to be doing sister acting, Hammersmith. How was he? He was, oh God, baby. He was chopping up them onions.

56:34And I remember strapping the pregnancy test to a rose because he always, doesn't do as much of them or more. Hint, hint. he'd always buy me flowers weekly I think you know look kids you know they're here and there's a lot going on but he used to buy me lilies and roses my favourites every single week if I fail so I pinched one of the roses and I strapped it around I couldn't think of anything creative and then I basically tied it around the rose and I said just stop chopping them onions for a minute and he's singing away to the blood of the song I said Alexa stop stop let me say I said are you listening to me I said please I've got something to tell you and I really want to tell you something please stop chopping them onions and close your eyes and hold your hands out it's all right alex puts his glass of wine down holds his hands out close what is it now and i put the rose in his hands and he just looked up and he went no no i said yeah yeah he was like you're pregnant i was like yeah and it's my lucky number we're five weeks gone and he just gave me the biggest hug and he but why do you look so sad unless I'm scared so I'm not ready so I don't know if I'm ready for my life to change that much like I'm not sure how ready I am giving birth scares me and he was like it's gonna be fine everything's gonna be fine everyone's gonna be fine I've got you everything's gonna be fine so what about my work and that's all I could think about was but what about work how am I gonna make money if I'm pregnant he was like pregnancy doesn't stop a woman from working you can work you stop when you're ready i said all right but there's one big job i've got to give up and i had to give it up because i was due the two weeks before we were opening and i was good and i had the thought process of actually giving birth and going maybe i could still do it and they were like my agent was like that you know so like me yeah my agent was like what if you have a cesarean and what if you can't move yeah you don't know how your birth plan is going to go you cannot

58:29Davina McCall:sign up for this you've not even been announced it's fine but you and you and i are self-employed and i know that um you know there's no way i could have taken a year out um how how how long was it before you had to go back to work just under two months i went back and my first gig was in monaco at a private event took the baby with me yeah um i used to take baby to big brother oh yeah see breastfeeding in between oh god same yeah yeah gosh right so and this is where i say again lucky really like blessed to have amazing people in my life i went and got the passport in time for myself and my my newborn went to want to go down the gig and i thought oh wow like this is okay i've i got back on it wasn't easy i didn't even know if i had a voice and then went back on your voice did you feel my voice changed yeah did it completely changed even it was even worse on the second pregnancy i couldn't i had to re-record my whole album my vibrato was funny i just couldn't sustain the power had no power on the second baby first one i i was pregnant and felt powerful during the pregnancy doing eight shows a week i stopped at eight and a half months gave birth two weeks later after coming off tour another little bit of a regret i should have probably stopped sooner but i was so in love with the show and i was and i was in a happy place actually maybe that's not a regret but i wanted more time with darren and i didn't get more time with him two weeks later here's the firstborn and then seven months later i'm like right ready to get my life back you know i was in panto with dawn french it was amazing at the palladium i'm breastfeeding in in between scenes and my baby's that he's there and it's wonderful to be able to get pregnant while you're Well, darling, I did.

1:00:14I remember, I remember going on a little diet just to get myself back into shape. And I called my manager and went, I'm not going to lie, this is exactly what I said. I've lost a fucking pound in a week. I was like, what is this shit? I said I should have lost at least two to three pounds this week. I've nailed it. I've stuck to the plan. I've drank me water. Then Darren drank a coffee. And I went. And I was like, oh, my God, hold on. I've stopped drinking coffee now for two weeks because I don't like the taste. Hold on, whoa, this is exactly what happened the last time. The smell. And I turned down and I was like, you are making me feel sick.

1:00:52Can you move from me, please? Can you move? Because you just drank a coffee. Oh, my God, I think I'm pregnant again. He went, no, you're not pregnant, Alex. Come on, it's ridiculous. You can't get pregnant when you're breastfeeding. Lies and deceit. Lies and deceit. I got pregnant. And then again, I'm not going to lie to you. I cried again yeah not ready too soon seven months my baby was seven months and I was like

1:01:17Davina McCall:how am I gonna cope and also I think you asked yourself that question of how am I gonna love too thank you how do I magnify the love thank you and weirdly I'd done this weird thing I've never watched back we were keeping a little video vlog of our firstborn so we could show him things when he's older and I whacked out that camera and I and I filmed an apology video for my son saying I'm sorry I'm not going to have the energy or the time to give you everything I want to give you because now I'm pregnant with another baby and I just wanted to apologize to you now that you'll never know how sorry I am that I won't have the time or the energy then I feel sick I was very sick on my second pregnancy very sick what with them that with preeclampsia oh oh of course you had pre-eclampsia and he didn't catch it yeah yeah and that was really very dangerous right for you and for the baby so I had to deliver a month early that was very scary and also I didn't realise how sick I was until Darren only told me I think three months ago we had an open conversation and I said to him I now want you to tell me how bad it was now that we're past it and I'm back to wanting another baby now that I'm safe and we've been cleared.

1:02:34And he said it was bad to the point where I'd probably tell you if you don't want one, I'd be happy with you not having any more. And I was like, what? You want six kids? What do you mean? I was that bad. He was like, you nearly died. It is life and death break, I'm sure.

1:02:47Davina McCall:It's very serious. I didn't realise. And I think I was in a little bit of denial. And I'll never forget, I was meant to have my baby shower the day that I delivered. And they were like, we need to keep you in. And I was like, you're not keeping me in. So I tried to discharge myself. and all of a sudden I couldn't see. All these nurses are rushing in. They had migraine, couldn't open my eyes. And about seven, eight nurses rushed in and literally put me, strapped me on the bed and said, you cannot leave. You have to deliver this baby in the next 24 hours. And I said, you're all so dramatic.

1:03:21I just didn't know.

1:03:22Davina McCall:You're lucky. Yeah. But now I'm ready for more. I'm not ready right now now. I want to start trying in maybe a year. You can never plan these things, of course. But I'd love more. Do you know what? I love a gang. I've got three. There you go. Do you think that three's perfect? Well, I always say to people, you know when you're done. You will have a baby and you will go, I'm done. Okay, okay. And if you're going, maybe I'll have one more, then you're probably not done. I'm not done. Oh, I know I'm not done. Desperate for more. When you have your final child, you will know it's your final child.

1:04:03Davina McCall:Okay, love that. And you won't know you've had your final child until you have your final child. Okay, okay. And I don't want to regret it either by not having more. No. Or not trying at least. And what a privilege because, you know, I read about these stories all the time where women are trying for so long. Yeah. And we fail naturally. I remind Darren of that. When times are hard and we're going through it and we're in the trenches, I look at them and I say, baby, remember, remember, we didn't plan this. The plan was made for us. And we're here with this blessing. And I'll never forget, we've also got six dogs.

1:04:36Did you know that? We've got six dogs. We've got six. Right, I'm going to let that land with you. Can I just say, if you ever want a dog sitter.

1:04:43Davina McCall:Please, babe, we actually need them. If you're ever going away on holiday. Yes. Or anything. Yes. And I say to Darren, it's a house full of love. Yeah. It's a house full of love. You are leading a beautiful life. Yeah, and it's what I've prayed for. Yeah. We were walking in the forest the other day. I'd done a matinee. I'm going to do a Thursday matinee, and I get to have the evening with the kids. Yeah. And I raced back to make sure that they'd had their dinner. So Darren fed them. And I said, right, we're all going out to the forest. Let's all go. All the dogs, kids, adults, let's go. Move. All get in our car.

1:05:13Off we go to the forest. And I remember standing back, Darren's running with the two German Shepherds. other puppies and everyone are following behind and the kids are running going come on pickles panda follow follow follow and they're running and i stood back and i went this is what i pray for and i remind darren all the time this is what we've prayed for we prayed for a family and we prayed for a house full of love and we have exactly that so when times are hard keep reminding yourself of your blessings because they're in front of you they're right there and i know like i'm every

1:05:46Davina McCall:woman is ending in in 10 weeks yes yes and then you'll need a break yes a little break what what do you want if i'm honest i love theater because it's the joy of not knowing what's going to happen every single night like do you know i mean that that is exciting to me every night's different every night's different but my heart is with music yes i want to get back to my music my heart is with doing more TV and film because I love Diplomitone. I've done one movie, done one TV drama. I won an award for that, got nominated for a movie. I just, I'm so, I was so proud of those moments. For someone who's not trained, again, lucky girl.

1:06:31Davina McCall:I just want to say something. What I see in you now is like a very attractive self-confidence not in a cocky way just you are sure of yourself and that's a great place okay and i'll tell you how that place came yeah i was struggling for years not understanding my purpose on this earth when mum passed i didn't know why i needed to be here anymore if i'm honest with you yeah because i worked for her i'd done it all for her it was all for her it was all because she gave the family so much that when she left us like so what am I doing all this for what why why am I doing why am I here what's the point yeah and I know that's really maybe I think my family will find that hard me hearing me say that but it's my truth like she was my purpose day in day out the reason why I got up to breathe was her.

1:07:25And then my kids came. Oh my god, I understand my calling. My kids have given me a new lease of life, a reason to live, a reason to keep going, a reason to fight for what I want. So only in the past four years I've gone, I know what I want. I'm going to achieve it and there's work to be done you never stop working you never stop working you never stop trying and when one door closes because they will you fight for another and and it's so amazing that since I've been children I finally got my originating role finally finally because I just feel like they've given me they've given me a new lease of life to believe in myself and I know that when roles turn up and I turn to my manager and I'm like Nathan Gavin I just don't think I could do this I don't and that is a self-belief thing that I'm really going to keep working on because I think you can keep working on that as the older you get in any age and it's one thing I knew Luther Vandross used to do singing lessons to his dying day he used to work on himself oh god yeah used to do all the time and that's why I say room to improve there's always

1:08:39Davina McCall:room to improve well never get complacent right you know you know I I'm I love watching I I keep seeing you yeah and i keep thinking throughout your whole career i've thought jesus swept she's amazing like wow that's incredible and then five years later i go oh god i think she's better oh i love that five years later oh my god you blew my mind at the theater but what you just said about your kids giving you purpose and then me thinking about the fact that they didn't come at the right time but they did they did yeah they did they really did they needed those and needed them kids yeah and they will they'll one day understand how much i needed them to survive yeah to not to not to not think any other thought then i need to be here still you know and the and and the thing is my mum used to work with a lot of children helping to develop them and within the arts right and i've carried that on um by starting a foundation for my mum the melissa so just tell me about the foundation well what's it called it's called the melissa bell foundation and it's to help underprivileged kids go to Sylvia Young School, somewhere I couldn't afford to go.

1:09:48And Sylvia, God bless her, was a part of this and she used to help me. And sadly, she's recently passed away. But we put kids through a summer scholarship there in the hope that they'll continue to stay there if they're picked, right? And I just want to help others because I've been given that door that opened through X Factor. And of course, it's not a guaranteed career. but my mum was my biggest champion that made sure that I knew that this door would close but the next one will open and that's what I'm going to teach children that I can hopefully help in the future and my kids to not give up.

1:10:26Davina McCall:I honestly can't kind of get over you. Like you are every woman. Did you see what I did there? Yeah baby. Oh my God I just impressed myself. Come on brilliant. No honestly like you've got a gift but in all the ways. It's not just acting and singing. It's a gift of hope. That's what I feel in you. Thank you. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing what you did today. I know you're a private person. Yeah. And you will have changed lives. Oh, thank you. Thank you for making me feel safe enough to speak. I mean, it's been my honour to be here. Do you? Me too. Stay there. Okay.

1:11:09Davina McCall:I am coming to hug you. for an embarrassingly long time. You're like me. So just in case you missed this episode here, if you love this episode, I know you're going to love that.