Begin Again Moments: Heal Your Inner Child

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0:37Alain de Botton:Get 15 % off plus a$40 bonus gift when you subscribe at prolonlife.com slash now. I would like to go back actually to Little Joe and tell me a bit about what your life was like and your first memories. Oh, I had a really happy childhood and I grew up on a council estate. And it's so funny when I go around talking now, when I say the word estate, everyone imagines Downton Abbey. And it's like, it was far from Downton Abbey. And it was a little two up, two down council estate. My dad worked for Alcan, the double glazing company, and my mum worked for Revlon. and they always had sort of quite an angry relationship.

1:25There was always a row. And I would walk into the house and if my father said to me, tell your mother, I thought, oh no. And all you want as a child is happiness, don't you? Yes. You want to feel safe and secure. And I was the adult in that house from 11. I really was. So my father was an absolute brilliant man. He was an artist. He was a magician, but he was a huge gambler as well. So he would paint pictures and at the weekends I would go with him to the market. I was probably seven or eight and we would get to either Crayford, Dartford, Blackheath, Tunbridge Wells. We'd set up our stall and I would send my dad off to go and get breakfast and I knew within that 30 minutes I had to sell a painting because I knew that we didn't have any money to eat back home and my mum would say if you don't sell anything today there is nothing to eat so I would sell that first painting put the money in my pocket and I would hold on to it oh you wouldn't give it to your dad I wouldn't give it to my dad because I knew what he would do on Sunday with it right but he was I loved everything about my father he was kind gentle loved animals I mean I'm so similar to him um and then he had sorry just I just want to unpick a

2:41Davina McCall:little bit of that because that is so interesting because in a sense I can hear the love you had for your dad but at the same time he would kind of put your whole family like you weren't sure whether you're going to be able to eat or not but that didn't affect how you felt about your dad no because I thought everybody lived like that I had no idea that I mean you wouldn't would you you just think that's our life and you know we lived on a council estate where there were people worse off than us as well. But I think my father's sense of entertainment, I just wanted to be with him the whole time.

3:19So I was trained to be the magician's assistant. I was the Debbie McGee. And when he would go and do magic shows to earn some money, I knew how people were sawn in half. I had a pet dove called Suki, and she would appear from a pan of fire. Oh, I loved her. She used to sit on my shoulder and coo in my ear. So I knew all the tricks and I would help him. And then, of course, the money he would earn, he would then take me to the poker game. And that's where it all went wrong every time.

3:54Davina McCall:And did you notice then, oh, this is what he does and it's going wrong? Yes, oh, yeah. How old were you then? I was seven, eight. Wow, so young, really, when you think about it. But he trained me to read marked cards, and I had really long hair. So I would sit in the corner, I'd watch them all playing, and I would twiddle my hair to let my dad know what was in everyone's hand. Because he had poor eyesight. But I could read marked cards. And I think about it now, it was so dangerous. Yeah. You know, to... And in my life, I've never gambled. Never. Never had an overdraft of my own. I've never gambled.

4:34and because of that memory of what it can do to a family. And I look at it now, Davina, and I think, my poor mum, that's probably why she was so angry and so she found me a threat always. And I think it was probably because she was really insecure and really unhappy.

4:56Davina McCall:It is quite a gift getting older and being able to see with hindsight reasons for things. Has that helped you, do you think? I think I don't want to feel bitter, actually. That's what I don't want in my life. And, you know, because of some of the other health challenges I faced, I was angry as a teenager for a long time. Understandably, you know, I left school with no qualifications. So I felt for a long time, I was like a little old lady in a young body that's where I had it was up to me to make sure there was always three meals in the fridge and it always involved a tin of baked beans eggs you know the the kind of thing so when I but how old were you when you were organizing that because I'm not surprised I mean you were 11 I was 11 years old of course it was going to be baked beans right it was no I was quite I could thrifty like I was quite good and um but we had incredible neighbors and community like Aunty Maureen, Aunty Sheila, Aunty May and they would knock on the door because I looked after my sister.

6:02I'd pick her up from school, take her back home, cook dinner for her. Then I'd have to clean the house and then my mum would arrive back at about 10 o 'clock at night and I'd have to have the twin tub ready to go with all the sheets. And at 10 o 'clock at night I was doing a full wash so that my mum had clinic sheets for the next day. You know, when I think back on it, 11 years old.

6:24Davina McCall:And your sister was five. she was quite young she was like a little yeah a little girl for you to look after she was but again our neighbors would knock on the door and auntie maureen would say oh i picked up some lamb chops you know it was such kindness and it wasn't done it was just done out of love and kindness and community it wasn't patronizing in any way it was literally just you're a mate you do this for me yep yeah no judgment either yeah no judgment and so i look at it but i i look at the little Joe, I still feel the little Joe actually, and still to this day I have to have three meals in the fridge, even now, because you never know.

7:05But that keeps your feet on the ground. And to forget your past in that way and not allow that story to be shared. Often when I share these kind of stories, people go, I can't imagine you like that. And, you know, I'm probably never going to have to worry about another meal in the rest of my life. But it keeps me appreciative of what I do have as well. But I laughed a lot. It was a happy childhood. Always dogs around. So I love dogs. I love animals. So we always had dogs around.

7:44But not a lot of money. that little joe i always think it's quite a useful and brilliant thing to remember yourself

7:55Davina McCall:as this little person but with love because she is in you yeah she is she is you yeah and she is why you are you now and that's such a gift and nothing's wasted yeah you know something i truly believe that in my life it's like what if I looked again at my life would I change anything I wouldn't I really wouldn't I think a massive part of the journey to accepting death is finding out who you are and you're just saying you know be who you are but I think I got to like menopause and have been learning, and I'm still not there yet, of who am I really? And I think part of that is what do I want? What do I want?

8:50Davina McCall:It's always been for my kids or providing for the family, and I feel like I'm on a bit of a journey of what do I want, which in turn will show me who I am. yeah um but i i would quite like to find out if you've got any practical tips for people who are maybe a bit younger than me because i am quite old and i kind of wish i'd started this journey 20 years ago yeah um how can you how can you start this journey by the way this is a big

9:26Alain de Botton:theme saving people time because why on earth do these life lessons sink in so late on couldn't we just, you know, we're trying to save people time. It's like, I took 20 years to learn this. Please don't take 20 years to learn this. Please, you know, I'm all the time saying this to people, and I'm sure you are too. So, okay, so how do we learn to, I mean, look, childhood is a very difficult period. And I think we all need to understand that children are born into the world utterly dependent on those around them, the few people around them who are randomly chosen and who will be suffering from various distortions of their own minds.

10:00Alain de Botton:I mean, it's very rare that you are born into a sane family. Most of us are born into, you know, it's a lopsided sort of proposition. So we have to understand that this is the way we're born. How long are we going to let that lopsided entry into the world determine our lives? Ideally, a minimal amount of time. What you need to do is to realise the nature of the lopsidedness, accept the lopsidedness and start to correct it as early as possible.

10:28Davina McCall:How do we find out what our lopsidedness is? Is it that we sit and ask ourselves questions?

10:36Alain de Botton:I mean, it depends in which area. Love and work, the two great areas of life. This is Freud said, happiness means getting love and work right. And most of us get love and work dramatically wrong with things that are probably related to early childhood. What happens in childhood is that we don't only learn language and social skills. We learn a whole emotional vocabulary about who we are, how we function, what's expected of us, what it takes to be good, what it means to be a boy, a girl, gender, roles, etc. All of this is encoded in us unconsciously. And we need to understand the language we've learned in order to become self-aware and question because bits of it are going to be balmy, really, really strange, really distorted.

11:22Alain de Botton:There will be an excessive focus on some areas and not on others. And ultimately, the goal of adulthood is to become your own arbiter of your own value and of your own mission and of your own joys, etc. It used to belong in other people. A child looks up at its parent and goes, who am I? What am I worth? And the answer comes back from the parent's face. And that answer is loaded with prejudice and bizarre stuff. right and after a certain age you think that happened to me in the past I can't let that continue at some point I've got to become and by the way we do this in love I mean in love you know most of us spend a good portion of our lives thinking I'm not complete until I'm I meet somebody else who's able to mirror for me a good picture of who I am I won't tolerate myself until someone else can say you're okay and until then I'm not okay can I quickly ask you something

12:17Davina McCall:about that. So, because I think what you're saying is, I want to find somebody where I like myself. Okay, so you're showing me a version of I become a nice person when I'm with you.

12:30Alain de Botton:I give you power of attorney over my worth. I give you the power to decide whether I'm a good person or a bad person. Think about loneliness.

12:38Davina McCall:But shouldn't we know if we're a good person or a bad person?

12:40Alain de Botton:Of course. But of course, that's not the history. So let's be passionate towards the history, because we've come from a place where we take our school grades to our parents and go, what am I worth? Am I a good person? And maybe there are good evolutionary reasons why that's the case. But the point is, how long do we want to let that continue? At some point, we have to seize the reins and go, now I'm an adult. And part of adulthood means not surrendering my power to decide my worth always to random external authorities. I mean, again, in relationships, people get into terrible trouble because they stick around people who beam back a terribly negative image of them and they go, I've got to spend another decade persuading this person that I'm a worthwhile human being.

13:20Alain de Botton:And you think, no, you don't. If you are not getting back an image that you like and that broadly agrees with your sensible reasons for your own assessment and sense of worth, get out. Don't be around such a situation. We do so much of giving up to others something that should be self-generated and we get into terrible trouble because of that.