Begin Again Moments: How To Communicate When Love Gets Hard

0:00Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026. Visit apple.com slash apple watch series 12.

0:30This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms.

0:58Davina McCall:what other kind of triggers can people go through because you said like people often have five you know like old past like hang-ups that yeah they sometimes through i mean after abuse or something like that yes but they're not sort of the day-to-day triggers they they are they're sort of more deeply embedded and they they live they live there all all the time they they need work the triggers that i'm talking about are the sort of ones that get you know stupid triggers like leaving the dishwasher for example you know how many times have people mentioned the dishwasher oh really oh my god how many times i do the dishwasher and then he or she comes and changes the dishwasher and it and off they go in the kitchen why do you have to do that why can't you just leave it i mean it's a trigger because there's a need for order there's a need for order in one mind that is not the same as the order in another mind let it go but people can't they get But I was just going to say, like, you know, have you had people going, well, that's easy for you to say, but it drives me fucking mad.

2:02Davina McCall:Yeah. How can you get out of that? Well, then we have to talk about where's your capacity to tolerate? Come on, let's have a think about what. How do you make this environment, this couple environment more able to tolerate both of you? Come on, we've all got quirks. We're all different. We've all got these little bits and pieces. How do we get to acceptance of those without them being triggers, without them, you know, understanding actually. I'm not going to say that now because it's just come in. I will give him 10, give him, you know, or it's that time of the month. So I know that she's not feeling very well.

2:37Davina McCall:And I won't mention that today. I'll do it later. Maybe I'll go and get a bunch of flowers, something. Just having an awareness of each other's triggers actually de-escalates so often what could have become something ridiculous. ridiculous and the point is those escalations within a couple they are they're exhausting yes and they wear away at the very they wear away at the patience of the couple they wear away at the tolerance and then you've got this again that's when the couple just starts to move away from each other because they can't be bothered but if there is an intention to sort of find out actually, what can I do not to trigger?

3:23Davina McCall:Let's think about that. I mean, I have people sort of, if they've had a bicker, if they've had a bicker, you know, separate. And then the next day, can we have a process conversation? Yes. Can you tell me, please, exactly what it was that triggered you? Okay, yes. Because I don't want to do that again. Oh, wow. So, yes. That's so nice because that's saying, I know I triggered you. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to do it. Yeah, please just tell me. That's such a nice way of coming about it rather than go, you triggered me. No, no, no, no, no. I did it. Oh, yeah, that's great. I did it.

3:54Davina McCall:Please, please. What was it? Just tell me. I don't want that to happen to us. And if I know, then maybe I can avoid it. And that really works. And also, I think if somebody said that to me, I'd be so appreciative. I'd go, thank you for thinking about that. Yeah, couples like it. They like it. They like it. They're starting to get to know each other again. because don't forget with the general, I don't know, life, it's too busy. People don't get, they get to know each other, you know, they're together before the kids come along and they know each other then in this wonderful, you know, full flows of limerence and free.

4:34Davina McCall:Do whatever you want, spontaneity. Yeah, spontaneous sex happens all the time. Yeah, everywhere. Everywhere, nobody's thinking about it. But don't worry, when your kids leave home, it all happens again. It does. I've got lots of people that, you know, really, really, they can rekindle after that. You know, they can get back to normal. But yes, that's, yeah, it's that sort of, it's getting to know each other, keeping in touch with each other. Well, have you developed that cough? Where did that come from? Is that that vape? What are you doing? How is it? Is that good for you? Or I know you're trying to give up.

5:08Davina McCall:That feels caring, right? Yes. It's not like lecturing. No. That's coming from love. No, from love. Yes. The nagging, that's, you know, that sort of constant, constant repetition that doesn't necessarily have to happen. There can be a different way of communicating because those, those, those da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, all the time just wears away at the fabric of the bond. It's exhausting as well. Yeah, it can be. It can be. You know, that when you wake up the next day and that's been. Yeah, and you open your eyes and it's like, oh, here we go again. We've done this. That's another rule that I have, no talking at night.

5:49Davina McCall:No deeper meaningfuls at night. No. Oh, no deeper meaningfuls in the bed. No deeper meaningfuls in the bed. Oh, wow, okay. Well, I guess then the bed becomes a hostile place. Yes. Or not a hostile, but, you know, like a not a sexy place. Not a sexy place, not a kind place. It can discombobulate those deeper meaningfuls. Somebody's tired. so something needs to happen like if you're going to have a Deep and Meaningful you need to make an appointment come on emotional check let's go somewhere else let's sit down had this with Ben Branson on the Hidden 20 % he said well I can't go to bed if the argument is still live and I said but what about your wife she's got three kids all day she can't have a Deep and Meaningful at 11 o 'clock at night no that can't happen wasn't happy about it but he did you know he took it on actually do you know I've always been told that you can't go to bed on an argument, but actually perhaps sometimes it's better to leave it until everybody's fresh and not take it into that bedroom.

6:53Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026. Visit apple.com slash apple watch series 12.

7:23This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms.

7:51Davina McCall:There must be a percentage of people that are dissatisfied, but would love to try and make it better. They still love that person. These are people where I always talk about love like a pilot light. You meet someone, the flame is really strong, right? And it's burning hot and you're like hot and passionate and it's all new and everything. And through life, you know, it can go down and go up and go down and go up. But towards the end of a relationship, it goes down really, really low and it's very fragile. And at some point, one of you or maybe both of you do it at the same time. But you just go.

8:29Davina McCall:And it's gone. And it's literally like light goes out, pilot light's gone, it's gone. But if it's still there and you want to make it go, like you want to make a go of it, what can you do to save your relationship? So there's a couple places. One, I'm always going to say this, is counseling therapy, incredibly important. It is accessible. And there are many forms of therapy, many forms. Can you tell me a few? Absolutely. So therapy, as I describe it, means healing. It is healing. Healing can come from different sources. So therapists are incredibly brilliant at this. But you can also be healed by a counselor, which is slightly different than a therapist, by a coach, slightly different than a therapist, by a great friend, by a mediator, by a pastor at a church.

9:24All of these represent therapy. But you know what also represents therapy? Sitting down, watching a YouTube video together, listening to a podcast.

9:34Davina McCall:Yes, I mean, that's quite a new type of way of, and I don't think people in midlife in their 40s and 50s would necessarily think of that straight away. That's a brilliant idea. Yeah. And the thing about this is that sitting down watching a podcast together on any relationship topic as a partnership and then discussing it means that you are now on a pathway to managing the problem. So that is therapy, right? You're working on the tools to manage the problem. That's healing. And if both of you prepare to do that, I think, you know, you might look at your partner and go, wow, look, they're willing to come to this with me.

10:13Davina McCall:Yes. Thanks. Already you're winning, right? Already you're winning. That is a quick step and that is a high return from the quick step. Right. So that's incredibly important. Another area is the individual work. And a lot of people don't automatically think about that because they're in a relationship and they say, okay, well, the problem is actually my partner's behavior. It's not mine. But sometimes we don't realize how our behavior, I'll just say, impacts our partner and either increases their willingness to continue to act like an asshole to us or decreases that or mitigates that. And so understanding how we show up, why we show up is incredibly important.

11:02And part of that analysis can be done simply by asking your partner to give you feedback. How many of us have turned to our partner to say,

11:11Davina McCall:I don't think I've ever done that. How did I do that?

11:16How did I do in that? The only time that ever comes up sometimes is after sex. People will say, well, how did that work for you? Right. But how about just if you were having a disagreement, you know, and I say an argument, right? And to then literally the next day say, you know, did you find that was I fair in that or was I not?

11:41Davina McCall:That's so healthy, isn't it? Like how lovely. Wow. It's a game changer. Yeah. I, for years, thought I was the most fair. I was like, this is what I do. That's so fair. I was like, when it comes to these with my wife, I am the best person to have an argument with. You know what I mean? The best. And there was a moment where I asked, I was like, OK, what do you think? And she said, you know, I find that you're unkind in these arguments. But that's such a brilliant way to word that because it's not saying you're unkind. She's saying this is how I perceive you. Yes. So it's not like you're not going to get defensive.

12:21Davina McCall:I mean, obviously, you know each other very well, but she's said that brilliantly. Yeah. The fact that she said in these scenarios, what she did is actually textbook. One is that psychology is her background, too. She knows what she's saying. She's really good. She used a technique that is very effective, and that is that typically when we enter a disagreement, any person, you look at it as you versus your partner. This is how we typically look at it. But instead, I would say reframe, and this will change your every argument. And that is, it is you, it is your partner against the issue. Brilliant.

13:03Davina McCall:Against each other? No, no, no. You're dealing with this thing over here. It's this thing over here that we're dealing with. But visually, that's so helpful. Yeah, visually. It is over here. You are here. I am here. And we are on the same team. Yes. And we're combating this thing. And what that does is it begins to reframe and it helps you understand that you're not under attack. Yes. You're not under attack. And not only are you not under attack, that you have the support of your partner. And so she was able to do that, which is brilliant. But getting feedback is incredibly important, I think.

13:37Davina McCall:How did you take it? Oh, then I'm open to receiving it. You asked. because you are so you know that you're going to get something back. This is true. This is true. Okay. This is true. But because some people go, what do you mean? Like, how do you not get defensive? Jill's deliveries are spectacular. Because she also uses the whole crap sandwich delivery too, where she'll start positive. She'll add something constructive in the middle. Then dump the crap. Yeah, that's the crap. The crap is in the middle. The crap's in there. Crap is always that cool stuff. And then finish with the... Then you finish with something nice.

14:12So it's like the bread. The bread is the nice stuff. And the crap is in the middle and she packs it in and hands it over. Yeah. Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use.

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