Confidence Expert: This Is The Biggest Confidence Mistake! The Dark Side of Self Help. How To Be Confident. Susie Moore.

0:00Drugs made me feel safe. If anyone who has known or loved an addict knows the rollercoaster. Is it ever too late to make that change? If you've ever noticed anyone go through a very positive life shift, it starts with that. Wow. Our inner critic is your worst enemy. There's a problem, a struggle, anything to deal with. Three questions. Number one, how serious is this really? Number two, what are my options? Number three. What about if you've never really achieved what you feel you could achieve? Maybe you're scared to go for a new job, scared to online dates, scared to reinvent yourself a midlife.

0:38I can reason with myself and go, how risky is this? What's the worst that can happen? Yes, the fear is there. We want to acknowledge it. We can let the fear ride in the car with us, but it's not driving. Yes. Confidence is this ingredient that really fuels everything. You can change the atmosphere in a room. You are your own best asset. What is there to gain from not owning your strengths? What I've learned is that that is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Maybe a question you can ask yourself in any situation is. Yeah, oh my God, this is so great. So, Susie. Do you know? I've got to say, it's so great to meet you.

1:17I mean, it's quite funny when you've been following somebody and then, like, you've watched everything that they do. And I'm like... So thank you very much for talking to me today. There's so many things I want to get at, but I think first off, I want to say, I love the way you call yourself a confidence coach and not a life coach. Tell me why that was. What I've noticed is that confidence is this ingredient that really fuels everything. There's an old quote that says, with confidence, you've won before you've even started. and I think that we have this misconception, Davina, that people think confidence is fixed.

1:58Like, you've got brown eyes. You've got brown eyes. Yeah, I'm 5 '2". I say I'm 5 '5". Or, you know, he's tall, she's this. We think, oh, it's like this feature that some people are born with. It's something that, well, I guess I wasn't born under that lucky confidence star. But what I've come to know is that confidence is simply a willingness to be uncomfortable and actually anybody can do that. This is very good news. Maybe you're scared to go for a new job, scared to online dates, scared to reinvent yourself in midlife. Really, yes, the fear is there. We want to acknowledge it, but we're in control of how willing we are to move through the uncomfortable emotions and anyone can be willing to be uncomfortable.

2:42That's such an interesting idea because I think people think that confidence is something that you are brave to do something you don't feel uncomfortable. Yes. I think they think that confidence is comfortable. Yes. It's the opposite. Yes. Haven't you had that feeling? You're like, gosh, I appear brave right now, very strong in front of a lot of people. Because look, you've got the audiences, you've had these stages, and are you wildly relaxed all the time? Do you just feel like, I've got this? No. No, but you still do it. You're still willing to put yourself in a position where, yeah, there's maybe a bit of nerves, a bit of anxiety, a bit of, I hope I'm good at this, but you still move forward.

3:15And I think that that's where a lot of people stop, and it costs us a lot. It costs us, it costs the world, it costs the collective, because we are influenced by people who inspire us. And when we're out there doing things that maybe are different or do feel brave, it's not because there's some huge absence of fear, it's because we can let the fear ride in the car with us, but it's not driving. It's just there. Yes, that's it. Passenger seat. You get in the passenger seat, fear. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think it's the best news to be in here that if anyone can be willing to be uncomfortable, anyone can be confident.

3:52Yeah. Oh, my God. This is so great. I want to talk to you about your childhood because we've had a quick chat about childhood trauma. And you had quite a difficult childhood. Yes. And your father in particular. Could you just talk me through what you went through with him? Yes. So anyone who has known or loved an addict knows the roller coaster that that brings, especially when it's someone that you love. We're programmed to love our parents, however imperfect they are, no matter what they do. And so my father, who was a drug and alcohol addict, he died when I was a teenager. We had a very unpredictable life as a result.

4:36We moved around a lot. We lived in a series of different domestic violence shelters. We always lived in government housing, you call it council housing here. The way that we grew up, we relied a lot on church donations. So like for toys, for school uniforms, food sometimes. We had to go to Sunday school. My mom's like, you can't just take all the donations. You have to go to Sunday school. We have to go to church. But one Sunday school teacher that I had, she said, and this really stuck with me, it's helped me so much. She said, everybody is equal. I thought, well, if we're all equal then um i can feel comfortable that we our lives might look different but we're all like we are all equal human beings but this is the interesting thing like people find different ways of coping with trauma and i obviously turned to drugs and um drugs were made me feel safe for the few minutes that i was high and then i'd be looking for more you needed relief yes it was your religion?

5:40I was lucky I got clean very young and through going to Narcotics Anonymous what I noticed was the people that have the hardest time getting and staying clean are the people that can't get out of victim. As a friend of somebody that you can see is stuck in that mode what can you I've wanted to be able to say something magical to somebody that will snap them out of it And it's very hard sometimes. I mean, I fail most of the time. How do you get someone out of victim mode? So in coaching, we speak about a victim loop and an accountability loop. But the biggest decision is someone has to stop wanting to be a victim.

6:22And not everybody wants to stop. It can actually be easier to say, oh, I'm going through this, which is why I need to have a beer in the morning, which is why I can't do the laundry, which is why I can't be there for my kids, which is why not everyone actually wants to shift. It takes too much courage. It feels too risky. It feels too scary. So the decision to make a shift has to come from an individual. There is such peace in that, by the way, if you're like, I really want to help my mom, or I really want to help my sister, I really want to help. You have to lovingly, I know it's very difficult, but there has to be a surrender and an acceptance to someone's path and someone's decision.

7:05But if someone really does want to make a change, they often listen to podcasts like this one, right? They'll be inspired. The material's there, 50 pence in a charity shop, right? The right things come when you're ready. Then we slowly take steps. We realize, what are my options? Am I actually telling myself the truth? Right? So often we just, we don't. We lie to ourselves. We know it, We can feel it in our integrity. It's like a mini integrity breach. Every time we're like, well, that's just how it is. Well, that's just life. We know that that's not true. We're powerful creators at our core. And if somebody feels stuck in any situation and they really want to break through, they want to make a shift, I would always lovingly sit with them and say, okay, fun times.

7:51What are our options right now? What are our options? Because when we feel stuck, it just often means we've just stopped. We're in one place, there's a stagnation there. It feels heavy. It feels like there's no way out. But there are always lots of ways out that we can't see. But we have to be honest with ourselves because even the foundation of self-confidence is self-trust. Even the word confidence has a Latin origin, confita, meaning to trust. So if you can't trust yourself, if you're like lying to yourself or just going, well, yep, this is just how it is. whatever, whatever, then your confidence can't emerge because you're not really coming from a place of honesty.

8:32So, you know, if you've ever noticed anyone go through a very positive life shift, it starts with the, I'm sick of this, I'm sick of myself, I'm sick of this result, I'm tired. And that it has to come from that honest place. And then from a place of action, when you're ready, really looking at your options, it's surprising how many options we have as human beings. Is it ever too late to make that change? Oh my gosh, my friend's dad is starting his like sixth business. He's 77. I'm like, amazing. And also, you know, Davina, the research is very clear on this. Investors, people who invest seed rounds, angel investors, they prefer older entrepreneurs.

9:09They're like, they've lived, they've been around the block, they've suffered disappointments, they know how to bounce back. Young people, yes, have energy and they're connected to tech in different ways. But we, you know, often, maybe if someone's, say, less experienced, they have a disappointment. They're like, well, I tried. Or yeah, well, I guess I'm not good enough. Someone with experience has so much to get. Like, let's speak about beginning again. Oh, my, you're never starting from scratch. So the more years you've lived, the more you've learned, the more you've suffered, even, the more you also even understand your capacity to overcome, to try again.

9:46But oh, my gosh I always think nothing what is too late I was even reading about Louise Hay the founder of Hay House she took a ballroom dancing at age 88 and she was like sorry I'm gonna be ballroom dancing people like aren't you lying down she's like no I'm dancing and I'm like but that's how powerful we are we get to decide and so that's someone she's an example of someone who sees options who sees possibility and I think that that's what a loving friend or a loving coach or a loving mentor in your life will help you do. Just open your eyes a bit more. Because when we're stuck, we have this tunnel vision.

10:20And it's not so true. There are lots of things we could do. I mean, you were talking about when something goes wrong and then something happens and having a bit of life experience has shown you throughout life, you've got back up, you've started again and something else has happened. Yes. But I think with kids, it's quite interesting. You were talking about speaking to people that have got kids. If they haven't had any childhood trauma, and their life has been brilliant and they've been told all through school like oh my god well done like everything's great you're so good how do you prepare them for the disappointment of life because life's tough yes oh my it's i i do see this sometimes when children are that the parents are so quick to swoop in and solve the problems i've got you i'm stepping in for you oh you lost something i'll find it oh someone said something mean i mean i've done that i and understandably so, right?

11:14It comes from such, it comes from a loving place, but there's also some fear behind it, right? It's, is it going to be, are they going to be okay? Yes. But then, like you said, you go out into the world, no one knows you. I mean, even if someone is known or from a good family, that's not going to be true everywhere. No one's going to be like, oh, are you the person? The world will treat you pretty equally based on just your own merit, how you're showing up, what your contribution is so I mean in a in an ideal world we allow children to make mistakes we allow people to children young people anyone to course correct and instead of instead of going okay let's okay I'm jumping in say hey hmm yeah yeah that thing that happened that that was rough you know being with someone in it i really hope you're enjoying this episode and if you can give us a follow i feel like in the last two years started to learn the joy of letting go letting go is the most to me control has made me feel safe letting go feels terrifying but that's the thought of it actually doing it is the most joyful thing I have ever experienced how can you help someone let go of the grip what I've learned is that when you think you have control or you want to take control or being in control is your priority you think you have this level of impact But all you have is anxiety.

12:52All you have is what's happening. Let me check in. I mean, what do we think we can control exactly apart from our own effort and our own behavior? You know, there is a difference between being in control and being in charge. So in charge is I can show up on time. I can control my attitude. I can control the thoughts that I'm thinking. I can I'm in charge of there are things that we you know, someone once said that if you look at life as 100 percent, you've got control of maybe 20%, but you can give 100 to your 20, right? You can't control who your parents are, what the traffic is, what the government is doing.

13:26I mean, there is so much that's just out of our hands. How our kids behave, we can be in charge of what we are able to be in charge of, but we're never actually in control. And if you think you are, if you're seeking that, I would just ask, you know, how's that working? How is it working for you? How's it working for the person who's being controlled do you like being controlled do you like when someone's like you and you can't actually control someone and love them at the same time right one's fear one's love they're the opposites like the opposite of love is fear and so when you when you think gosh I've got to control my husband I've got to control my kids um they the relationship becomes less honest you're stressed out they're stressed out and uh and you think gosh I'm doing all these things I and you're using all of your energy running around for like to what end so I think just the understanding that control is an illusion like it's it's an illusion and you think you you gain something but all you're really gaining is a lot of anxiety you talked you talked about control in a relationship there yes um I've definitely had that and I mean I've done it to someone me too but it is is that around because I feel like sometimes people go out with someone and they try and change them into the person they think they could be.

14:51Oh, oh, yes. Women are excellent. That's like, no, actually, I don't quite like you like this. Could you just go over that way and then it would be great? I always like to flip that. What do we do about that? I always like to flip that. Imagine if, so just say you thought, and it could be something serious or it could be something less serious, right? So in relationships, it's like the three A's, right? is like abuse, addiction, adultery. They're the big red flags, right? Those are the things we can't accept for our own safety. But when it comes to other issues, right? So someone's always late.

15:24They're always messy. They're not creative enough. They're not curious enough. Whatever it is we want to shift, I would flip it and go, okay, imagine if I said to you, don't be bubbly, stop it. It's annoying. It's not how we work it around here. You'd be like, um, yeah, it's futile. I mean - Can I tell you a funny story? Yes, please. So when I was 12, my sister was six years older than me. So she would have been 18. She had really cool friends. And she had this friend of hers called Jamel. And I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever seen in my whole life. And they were French. And he said, Mais, Davina, tu es trop spide.

15:58Trop spide is like, you're so manic. And after that, I used to sit on my hands and go like that. But I was like, literally like... How did that feel? Awful. Because it wasn't you. Because you're not being... To me, success is perfect self-expression. Being you, unabashedly being you. But so if you are trying to control somebody you are with as a boyfriend or a partner or a husband or a wife, interestingly, if you are trying to control them too much, maybe you're in the wrong relationship. Well, a couple of things. It could, if, sometimes it's just us. Sometimes it's just our anxiety thinking, do this, make sure you're home at this time.

16:39And it's just because we're afraid. but if someone is just not compatible with you and it's not meshing and you kind of maybe even marry someone's potential or you think, oh, I can stop him from... I would just... Marrying someone's potential, sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking you said that. Marrying someone's potential. Sometimes I think, I've seen friends do that and you think, oh, wow, you did bring out the greatest version of that person by loving them without control has helped them become who they could be. That's the ideal, right? Yes, and that's not controlling, right? That's not controlling.

17:14It's support. I think the best way to love someone is to really encourage and allow them to be exactly. There's like a magic that happens to Veena. When you're with someone who completely allows you to be you, with your quirks, with your weirdness, with the lens with which you see the world, there is like a magic that unlocks. Haven't you felt it when someone is just so accepting? and you're like, I just want to be around her. I just want to be around him because it's not like, do I need to impress her? Wait, no, no, no, they're Republican. They don't like that. Yeah, well, she's only say Jesus, don't sweat.

17:52I want to go home. I want to put my pajamas on and just go home. But when someone just allows you to be free, I mean, freedom is like really the basis of the best life experience, being yourself, being who you are. And so if you're controlling or being controlled, I would just kind of look at that and say, you know where where are we maybe lacking some integrity here ourselves by being the person who needs to dominate or if someone's controlling us are we loving ourselves enough to know that that's kind of not really okay but it does you how do you broach that with someone but i think you're controlling me a bit i need some people you can't if you're maybe in a narcissistic there there is no hope in some situations it's going to be a waste a waste of energy but i believe that when we can communicate clearly from a place of help me understand why it's so important to you that I who knows maybe there can be a cool resolution maybe you'll even become closer but yes maybe it'll be a fear in that other person that something's going to happen that was from their childhood or yes is it ever really about the thing you know Eckhart Tolle said he he says the thing that you're upset about is never the thing you're upset about like you know someone gets a parking ticket and they're like oh and they're going back to a I always mess up my dad said I always meant I never get it right you know or someone will say something like oh interesting orange blazer and it's like my mom always said I was fat and you know and they really mean interesting orange blazer like different kind of and so what are we what the heck is going on here I always like to think what's the subtext beneath the text if we can just take a second say somebody's starting a business or when people are afraid of telling their opinion because it might upset someone what's that about and how can you stop doing that how can you be more I'm just going to say how I feel and how you deal with it is up to you but it's easy to say that for me to say that I find it incredibly hard to um be strongly assertive against an idea or say something that I mean to say that might hurt someone's feelings without yeah I don't know like so I have an opinion you disagree I'm scared to tell you because you won't like it essentially When we hold back, sometimes we lie, right?

20:10Sometimes we just completely abandon ourselves, right? In pursuit of just the peace of this relationship. Sometimes we actually even will abandon an idea or we won't go for it because this person won't like it or this person says that's bad. You see people do this in like in so many different ways. When we behave or think or speak a certain way to keep the peace or because I don't want disappoint that person we're actually not treating that person with any respect because we're thinking you're weak you can't handle it i'm strong so i'll just do what i have to do because i can't trust you to be okay we can let people be disappointed we can let people not like our decisions and that is actually an equal relationship the same way they can do it to us And what happens if, say, because I know a couple of people who also get very, they hate the idea that someone won't like them.

21:12Well, what is that? What is that? So, okay, number one, this is so, it's so funny. Imagine if you go and you speak in front of a thousand people. There are a thousand opinions of you. Right, there is. Someone will be like, you're the best ever. Someone else is like, that was so boring. Same with a movie, same with a restaurant. Someone's like, best. I'm like, total crap. So number one, this is back to controlling. Like you can't make anyone love you. No matter how much you play up to them, that can take a while to learn in life. But if I'm just super sweet, but if I'm extra smart, but if I'm funnier, or what if I'm thinner, you can't make anybody love you.

21:47And if your focus is, will she like me? Will he like me? Whether it's an intimate relationship or social media, or maybe you have a certain level of influence in the world. Oh boy, I mean, it's almost funny that we think that there is any modicum of control that we have over someone's response or someone's warmth towards us or the opposite. So when we are in our integrity, and I use this word a lot because, I mean, it sounds like formal and legal almost. It's not ethics. It's really the origin of the word integrity just means to be whole. your inside and your outside it's to be really just to be whole to be the real you then when you know that you're just doing that peacefully not proving anything i think the need to be liked just kind of diminishes on its own your intentions are good you're living your life your way i mean look at it how many ways can you live your life think about all the places you can live the careers you can there's never gonna people i mean in some parts of the world if you're homosexual you'll be killed I mean the world isn't this place where this is the way to be liked yes it it doesn't even make any sense so I think if I'm trying to make someone like me in a particular moment I think that I just need a bit more self-love that day or I need to speak more kindly to myself or I need a good old dose of perspective yeah so what you're saying is self-love because if you are trying to make someone like you you're not going to be yourself and then you're not going to like yourself because you're not being true to your yeah congratulations you're all these girls like you now and it's not really you it's like they like someone else exactly and then that's you for the rest of your relationship with yeah awesome get enjoy enjoy yourselves yeah you know it's it's and I think that when we pause and think about it but most people we don't pause and think about it we just think oh this is the way to survive or this is the way to be cool or this is the way to make money there are plenty there are lots of paths and And when we abandon ourselves, even if it looks good on the outside, like, you know, it's choosing between almost authenticity or belonging.

24:00I mean, this is a brilliant one for school. Yes. You know, at school when you're just trying to be in with the cool kids. Oh, yes. You know, you change everything about yourself, but you end up thinking, who am I? Like, I don't know what's going on. But you belong. Yeah. Oh, maybe you belong. Well, whoop, you do. Yeah, but for how long? Yeah. And being who and wearing what and saying what and laughing at jokes. It's exhausting. I mean, who can keep it up for long? So when you can choose this authenticity, I think slowly, it can happen one degree at a time. One small degree. It's not like, today I'm going to be myself.

24:29It's just small. It's saying no when you mean no, lovingly. Saying yes to the things that really ignite some curiosity in you. Something else I really wanted to talk to you about, I'd love you to tell me about your transition where you had a massive career shift. because I think like so many people will go through this so many times in their life but yours really was mega you went from doing a job that you like but to following your dream how did you do that I was working in the tech sector in Silicon Valley in New York for a decade and I was making half a million dollars a year at age 30 and I don't have a college education so I'm not even qualified well you know a friend of mine Jamie she says God doesn't call the qualified, God qualifies the calls.

25:19Yes. Meaning you take, and again, use God in any way. God as you understand it. Yes, yes. But I just believed in myself. The equal thing, the magic of thinking big, like what possibilities exist. So I started a side hustle right now. I mean, I love talking about side hustles. So did you know what the plan was? Did you think, I want to, okay. So side hustle, tell me something. So I always loved helping people solve their problems, find a new way achieve what they want to achieve I always say look I'm obsessed with results that's it my obsession if you work like if you come across my work and you want something that's I'm like I joke I've got a PhD in results right come let's go we can do it right we can do it and I've got the faith for everybody and we've got let's look at your options let's go let's love it and uh and I started my side hustle and I announced it overnight I'm a life coach I like what you said on your website you know that confidence is key yes and get yourself out there yes you said something like there are three million life coaches yes right and you're reading my page it's like well I've won and I thought oh god she's so right like yes make the noise be out there make yourself seen be visible yes but that comes with confidence and being authentic I mean, there are so many things at play.

26:36Yes. I also know it's not everyone's job to like or follow me. And I don't want them to. Like, whenever you have any level of success in a traditional sense, because success is very subjective, right? For some people, it's being a great mother. For some people, it's going to church. For some people, it's, you know, really keeping a great home. Whatever it is, great, right? It's your definition. You own it. But when it comes to success in the traditional cultural, money, fame, if that matters to you, then it's going to come with a shadow. It always does. You can't just get all the blessings, right?

27:09That's not how life is. So it's also really okay with me when people criticize me. And I've had my fair share. And I know that that will continue forevermore. And I don't resist it. What do you do with that? Nothing. Okay. Absolutely. So I'm allowed to create and show up just like you, just like anybody. And people are allowed to respond. Again, there's your quality piece again. You're also allowed to show up. I might not like it. That's OK. We're taking a quick break to talk about today's sponsor, Fiverr. Have you experienced the immediate panic when you're asked to create something on the computer, but you have absolutely no idea how to do it?

27:47For me, it's social media. But I have realised that I can rely on Fiverr. It's an online marketplace. It's got talented freelancers who specialise in different areas from social media and graphic design to marketing, website building and coding. I don't know what that means. But with Fiverr I can leave it to the experts and focus on the stuff I do best. So if you want to give Fiverr a try and I think you should, search fiverr.com or click the link in the description and use the code Davina at the checkout for 10 % off your first order. That's F-I-V-E-R-R dot com. And don't forget, the second are.

28:25Let's talk about the sponsors of this podcast. Zoe Membership, a personalised nutrition programme. I always get asked why I look after my body and the answer, I want to look good naked. Joke. Don't worry, that's not it. I do it because I know what my health is worth and I want to have the best life ever. I mean, every decade has looked very different from the last. But with age comes wisdom, enough to recognise that the more I invest in my body, the more it pays me back. And I did Zoe's at-home test and learnt about the good and the bad microbes in my gut. And then Zoe gave me specific food scores so I could see which foods my body responds to best.

29:15And it's science led. In randomized controlled trials, Zoe members who participated in the study saw positive changes to their gut microbiome and energy levels. So if you want to join me and over 100 ,000 Zoe members, head to Zoe.com and use code DAVINA10 for 10 % off. That's Zoe.com and use code DAVINA10. Oh, and by the way, as you clearly like podcasts, you should go and check out their new show, Zoe Science and Nutrition. It's so good. I am a massive fan. I love how they do all of this research and they give it all away for free. So I want to go back to your side hustle. Oh yes. Okay. Yes. Yes.

29:56Yes. Sorry. I got so. Oh my God. This is so much fun. This conversation. But I left my, well, so I was side hustling as a life coach. That's how I started out for 18 months, evenings and weekends, right? Working for a hundred bucks an hour. Yeah. I loved it so much. I was like, I was high on life. And I said to my husband, I said, look, I want to give this a full swing of the bat. Give me a year. Like I want. And he was like, do it. He's always really believed in me. And I went, it's terrifying to leave a job, you know, when in the US has health insurance. I mean, there are so many a lot. It's it's it felt like a big risk.

30:33But then I thought about it. This is where we're different from other animals, right? We get to reason, right? A dog isn't like, oh, that's just the Amazon guy. I don't need to bark, right? But that's how I feel like I act sometimes. I'm like, something happens and I'm like, ah, you know? So I can reason with myself and go, okay, so how risky is this? So I'm making great money. Yes, it's true. What's the worst that can happen? Really, it's a great exercise. And then you keep asking, and then what? And then what? And then what? So I'm like, okay, I don't get any clients. I use my savings. I'm depressed.

31:08All my friends who I work with, co-workers, they're like, yeah, what a loser. Right. And then what? Okay. And then we get even a smaller apartment. Then, okay, you plan it all out. You look at it. Is it worth it? Like, is it like, number one, what's the likelihood really? If you've gone for it in your life and you've even had success in a career, you're pretty likely to have that spillover into any endeavor because it's who you are. We attract who we are. It's not just what we think about or what we want. It's who we are. And I thought really, when I got to the bottom of what the worst case is, I'd get another job, just like the job I was already in.

31:48So I'm like, I'm actually living my worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is I suffer for a year. I hate it. And I go back to being a director of sales in a tech company. In this country, I feel like people think that talking themselves up is cocky, but it's not. It's confident. Exaggerating aspects of yourself is cocky. Do you know what I mean? It's not bragging if it's true, right? Like if you think it's not bragging if it's true. Exactly. Just say you have a bestselling book. You'd say I'm a best-selling author that'd be on your bio it's not I'm better than you it's I'm a best-selling author that's just the truth yeah that's just the truth and uh what what is there to gain from from not owning your strengths there's no medal no one's gonna go oh she never bothered anyone she never you know she never took up any space like that's not why we're here our temporary precious lifetime is not not to bother anybody not to take this not to it's to be you I love the fact that you said our temporary precious space, because I think when you do hit kind of 40, 50, you do start thinking, oh, actually, now I haven't got all the time in the world.