DJ Fat Tony: Surviving My Darkest Years & What Recovery Really Looks Like

15:05Davina McCall:And you built an armour, like of self-protection, right?

15:08DJ Fat Tony:I became fat. I put on so much weight. I built this world around me that no one could ever come into because I never wanted anyone to find me attractive. I never wanted anyone to approach me in that way because I never trusted anyone. I never trusted anyone. And then, therefore, that went on to hating my own father. It went on to, because why isn't he helping? All of these different factors that came into play.

15:38Davina McCall:A son and his father's relationship is really important. But you had a particularly tough time growing up, I think, really, watching your dad. Your dad was a very hard man, strict, hard. Yeah. He hurt your mum.

15:54DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, every time he drank scotch, whiskey every weekend, they'd go out on Friday night to the pub or Saturday. And it always ended the same way with my mum at the bottom of the stairs or my mum going off in an ambulance. You know, which I always blamed him for. But, you know, it was definitely a two-way street in that sense. No-one deserves to be hit or no-one deserves to be in a volatile, abusive relationship. But when you're ten years old and that's going on and you've got this other drama going on, you start to blame. I mean, you would have had a sense that you were gay at ten.

16:34Davina McCall:Oh, a sense?

16:37DJ Fat Tony:Hon, I've always been gay.

16:39Davina McCall:Yeah.

16:40DJ Fat Tony:I remember my mum once saying to me, oh, we always knew you were gay. The doctor diagnosed you when you were two. I was like, fucking diagnose me? Well, it's not chicken pox. Do you get what I mean? But it was funny because, you know, and I actually remember the conversation because my doctor used to smoke a pipe. I mean, fucking mad, right? Yeah, sitting there. So funny. Genius. Right? And my mum was like, what's going on about that? And I was just like, you know, I've always been out. always, I've always been who I am. There's never a point where... You didn't have to come out to your family.

17:15DJ Fat Tony:No, I didn't.

17:16Davina McCall:But did you rebuild your relationship with your dad? Because he didn't die until you were 42.

17:21DJ Fat Tony:Well, you know, I ignored... I really, when my addiction was kind of at the worst place, but my dad, I remember one day, I lived in their old house in Battersea. literally in 2002 I'd been diagnosed with HIV and I was living in their house and I remember my dad coming over and by this point my addiction was so spiralled out gone beyond everything I'd moved a ketamine dealer into one room I'd moved a coke dealer into the other like you know primarily it was a crack house but you know it wasn't in my eyes it was my house um uh it's like convenience store right uh so anyway as you know what it's like we move these situations in and and my dad came over and they were selling the house uh from underneath me and wanted me out and i was like why are you doing this and my dad was like i'm taking the telly i'm doing this i'm doing that and i was like why he said you deserve everything you've got and straight away i went to that place of oh my god you think I deserve to have HIV and went to that place because there'd been years and years and years of me looking for excuses to hate on him because of what he did to my mum.

18:44DJ Fat Tony:I didn't know right so we can jump forward 30 years right and then I had a situation happen where I was placed down at my mum and dad's house in Dungeness. Have you ever been to Dungeness in winter?

18:58Davina McCall:Oh I still think it's beautiful.

19:00DJ Fat Tony:Oh it's the most stunning place on earth.

19:01Davina McCall:So beautiful.

19:03DJ Fat Tony:But not when you're on tag and you're sitting in your mum and dad's living room. Do you know what I mean? At 41, you're like freezing cold and the only thing you've got to do is walk dogs. Which is great. The dogs don't get me through. They got me through. But, you know, the thing was I never, ever realised and never, ever took the time or wanted to, to know that he was 30 years sober. And, you know. Did he go to meetings? I didn't ask. Wow. 30 years sober

19:32Davina McCall:Wow Because it was the whiskey that made him fun Yeah, that made him that person

19:37DJ Fat Tony:Yeah That chemical imbalance And you know what, I was so busy Being caught up within the Tony-isms of life And I, you know, at that point in time I was two years sober myself And I kind of was like, you wouldn't understand And he went, what wouldn't I understand? And I was like, what it's like to be in recovery And he was like, recovery from what? and I was like, I had this conversation with him and he went, I haven't had a drink for 30 years for your information. And I was like, what? Do you know what I mean? I just never wanted to go there. It wasn't like, oh, I didn't know. I didn't want to know.

20:16DJ Fat Tony:It was far easier for me to hate on him for everything that I was. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, okay. And it was easier to, yeah, the reason I'm like this is because of that and you don't know what it's like. And then when I thought about it, I kind of thought, I did tell people he died six times. Do you know what I mean? Just so that they would feel sorry for me because I put myself into that place of victim, that triangle, that drama triangle that we put ourselves on. I was the victim, the persecutor. I was all of those on every side of that triangle. And for me, that was the turning point.

20:52DJ Fat Tony:I was like, wow. And that was in your 40s. Yes. And you had this epiphany and you think, Whatever is going on in my life right now, which was probably the worst time of my life, something really magical came out of it. I got to know my dad. Whatever was going on, there was no way on earth I would have ever been in that situation, sitting in the living room with a tag on my ankle. But being in that situation, in recovery, and just thinking, wow. And then I got to know my father. I got to know him. And then he passed away in front of me. And I was there when he passed. very soon wasn't it yeah yeah he saw me go to court win this court case and he saw me get clean he saw me stay clean but i remember when i went to see him when i first got there and i turned up with my bags hi uh i'm on bail at your house uh you know um i remember him saying to me i said i said to him i really want to apologize to you for everything that i've done you said that yeah trying to make amends, you know, even on step two or whatever.

21:58DJ Fat Tony:What's the same? You know what it's like. We want to change the world. I might become a psychiatrist. Anyway, yeah, that one. And I remember sitting there and I said, I'm really sorry for you. What are you apologising for? I said, just for being me and just like being the addict and everything. He was like, can I tell you something? I said, yeah, go on. He looked at me and went, why don't you do me a favour and fuck off and come back when you're six years sober and you know what you're apologising for. And of course I was like, well, that's ungrateful. And that kind of just spiralled me out. But you know what?

22:34DJ Fat Tony:It's so bizarre because six years later, right, I literally got to this point in my life where I'd actually asked for help again because my behaviours had gone so out of control. that was the moment of where I literally surrendered to the fact that my life needed to change

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25:29Davina McCall:Stock the fridge for tip-off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com. Near beer, fit for all times. We all have that dream trip we've been wishing we could go on. But too often, life, or usually price, gets in the way. That's why Priceline is here to help you turn your dream trip into reality. With up to 60 % off hotels and up to 50 % off flights, you can book everything you need for your next adventure don't just dream about that next trip book it with priceline download the priceline app or visit priceline.com and book your next trip today go to your happy price priceline i am i wondered what at what point did you find the club scene and drugs like how old were you when that all started so the first club i ever went to was the embassy and i was dating without getting thrown in prison i was dating the manager

26:28DJ Fat Tony:he's dead anyway now so we can talk about but he uh he was the manager and i met him at a bus stop i was 14 you know um but 14 going on 21 vulnerable yeah well no by this point i wasn't yeah but you You weren't, but you were. Yeah, of course I was. But to me, I was the game changer. I was a game player. No one ever was going to treat me like that again. I was the most, yeah, everything that I...

26:59Davina McCall:You'd already built a shell.

27:00DJ Fat Tony:100 % I had armour. I had layers and layers of armour on that no one could thingy. I was in control. I could manipulate men. I could manipulate... Anyway, I met Roy, his name was. I met him at a bus stop. so romantic yeah totally and then um he said oh come meet me from work if you want and i was like where do you work and he was like a nightclub and i was up and at this point in time i was still i just started working in the great gear market oh yeah in king's road i've been kicked out of school for having sex with a drama teacher and they blah blah all of that scenario was going on um and still pretending to go to school so my dad didn't know leaving the house every day in school uniform and my mum me and my mum pretending i was at school so your mum knew yeah she knew she but of course she was the one who had to go to the school to talk about in the first place right because the school you know once the drama sex with the drama teacher yeah it was like we don't want tony here anymore yeah because i was you know why would anyone want me there the amount about like abused yeah screaming out for that attention yeah but you know what without saying it because my ego wouldn't allow me to tell anyone what was going on because i seriously when these people do what they do right uh it's not like uh oh oh it happened i was walking past that in tesco's and that looked like something i'd like to buy you know i'll try that it's manipulated they the most everything that they do is they they're predators yeah and the predator knows your every move it watches you and it waits for the most vulnerable moment to take to make a kill advantage yeah and you know it's all premeditated so with me it was like i kind of just like i'm not having this again in my life and you know i was groomed to such an extent that my thinking was so offset yes so when i met roy i when i went to the embassy i thought i remember sitting in the embassy club and thinking and it was empty like you know literally it was quite a quiet night and I was waiting for him to finish work sitting there my little puma jumper and jeans and I was thinking I never ever want to leave here I was just drawn to that light music the

29:20Davina McCall:vibration isn't it funny when you get somewhere and you go oh wow I've arrived I've arrived yeah It's like, it's home. I think I felt the same way. I think the first club I went to was MFI.

29:35DJ Fat Tony:Yeah.

29:36Davina McCall:Old Burlington. Was it like Thursday night? You used to go out. Yeah, and I was like 14, 15. Neville, Spike, Carl Adams. Bless them all. And I had the same thing. I never want to leave. It was like coming home. at that time club the club scene what was it that you loved about it

30:03DJ Fat Tony:the chaos the chaos the chaos the laughter the real laughter I mean like serious laughter it's just like I'd go out and I would laugh all night and just like you know for me it was a stage I found this arena that people liked me in right do you know what I mean you fit Yeah, it really was. And they liked me because I was funny. I used all of my traits, all of my performance. I found a place that I could do it.

30:36Davina McCall:They had value.

30:37DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, totally. And it was suddenly like this new family that I never had. People that were like, didn't give a fuck. Do you get what I mean? Yeah. About my sexuality. Didn't give a fuck about anything. Yeah, I mean, they were having fun. And it's really what I needed. in life and I just thought oh my god, I found my arena and it wasn't long before I found my group of friends my inner circle like the Paul Lonergan's the Richard Havelies all of these people that went on to be great people and you know I truly believe that that era of night clubbing just everybody from it, yourself, Edward so I could go on are the network of creatives that keep this world running.

31:32DJ Fat Tony:Do you know what I mean? Whether they went on to be supermodels or whether they went on to be editors of magazines or they went on to be TV producers or TV presenters, all of these things, they come from that creative time and that creative time was because we had to create something to be seen. Do you know what I mean? I was the loudest person in every room because that was, at the time, that's all I had. was to be the bitchiest, funniest, evilest. I wanted to be notorious. I wanted to be, you know.

32:01Davina McCall:You really were. Yeah, I know. I mean, I remember when I first met you, I was absolutely terrified because I'd never met anybody as honest. I was like, oh, my God, he literally just says what he's thinking all the time. It was so liberating being around you. And I think the other thing that I realised quite quickly was that you were very kind as well. You were honest and funny, but there was a really soft streak to you. But also that you... I did feel a vulnerability. Like, I guess maybe because I was.

32:35DJ Fat Tony:Yeah.

32:36Davina McCall:I could sense something in you, but you were... Fuck me, you were so funny. Oh, my God. But the thing was, I never wanted anyone to come close,

32:47DJ Fat Tony:so I would be that loud. I'd be like, oh, look at the state there. what the fuck are you wearing, you know, all of that stuff. So that you got within a metre. Yes, you couldn't get any closer. That was it. I built castles. George used to always say to me, for me to have a conversation with you, I have to go through six people and up nine flights of stairs.

33:08Davina McCall:Can I quickly ask you, because you've just mentioned George, but we're talking about Boy George, obviously. Boy George is like a historic, great, great friend of yours.

33:19DJ Fat Tony:Yeah.

33:19Davina McCall:You've both been through thick and thin together, never lost each other or the love for each other. How did you meet him? How old were you?

33:30DJ Fat Tony:I was 14, 14 in the Great Gear Market. He used to walk up and down King's Road to get photographed, and he used to come in the Great Gear Market, which was an indoor market at the time on King's Road. There were lots of new romantic stores in there that sold, you know, like Melissa Kaplan, all these really great people from that era. Rusty Egan had his record cage and I worked behind it. And George used to come in every Saturday and always thought I'd have to be really bitchy because I wanted to be his friend. So my way of being friends with someone was to be as horrible as I could be.

34:09Davina McCall:I'll tell you what it is, though. I think what I've realised is that you can only be really rude to somebody that you like a lot or know very well. 100%. And I think that's clever, right? So you, at 14, had understood you'd found a strategy that meant that you could get really close to somebody very quickly by being extremely rude.

34:31DJ Fat Tony:For me, I love and hate that thin line. I'd rather you hate me than like me. Then I've got the upper hand. Because then I can say whatever I fucking want. And that was the way it was. and with George I was like, who does your hair? It's shit, they're not dreadlocks, they're shitlocks. I remember saying it to him and he was like, looked at me, he was like, you're vile. I said, yeah, you're fat. And that was it, it kind of just was like, and then every week it would be that battle.

34:59Davina McCall:And he'd come back in to see you.

35:00DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, and Richard at the time, who was one of my greatest friends and always will be, was my best man at my wedding. He lived with George in this flat in Alma Square. He was his flatmate. so it was kind of like we were all into trying already and then George would just come in and say oh she's vile and I'd be like oh shut up no one cares do you know what I mean

35:22Davina McCall:but I mean you know when you're telling this story this is a 14 year old boy like this is ballsy yeah totally yeah

35:31DJ Fat Tony:to someone who's just about to become one of the biggest megastars on the planet because I don't think people realise how big he became at that point oh my god literally like just insane

35:42Davina McCall:and through through him um you know you start going to more clubs yeah wider a wider kind of you started broadening your horizons in terms by that point i discovered alcohol

35:56DJ Fat Tony:and was that your first drug of choice no sex was definitely my first drug right looking back on it that was the one that kind of was the problem but i used alcohol don't realize that sex addiction is is really really hard i think when they read this new book they will crack yeah it's uh the one that we don't see as a problem because yes exactly we hit a certain age i've still got it on the man all of that stuff it buys into so many things um so that was my first addiction even though i thought i was having the time of my life because i was introduced sex i was sexualized at the age to 10 yes um in such a way it was i wasn't like home reading dirty magazines and and pleasureing myself i was phoning the deep end and so i sex always suddenly become this thing that uh meant i could control well i thought i could control people meant i could control situations it become a bargaining tool it become it become currency sex become currency at 12 I mean come on like what

37:10Davina McCall:when you think about it now it's very sad isn't it

37:14DJ Fat Tony:it's extremely sad you know that someone can do that to someone and not care but also it's extremely sad that that 12 year old is thrown into that arena and abused and it was totally and utterly violated on every level. Trust, everything, especially when what was going on at home, you know, with my mum having cancer at that point in time, my dad going through what he was going through, you know. It was awful. It was an awful time. But, you know...

37:54Davina McCall:But it was like for you then, sex became something that you used

37:59DJ Fat Tony:to escape 100 and so that was the primary illness and then it suddenly alcohol came into play when

38:06Davina McCall:you're talking about alcohol what kind of like how bad was it oh so it always started off with a

38:11DJ Fat Tony:snake bite and blackcurrant a chelsea potter on king's road after work and then i'd be the last one in the pub and then when i started going out clubbing every weekend um it become problematic I would always go into blackout. I'd always be the last one drunk and always waking up in places that I shouldn't have been and situations.

38:33Davina McCall:So you were unmanageably drinking very quickly. Oh, very, very quickly. Your life was...

38:37DJ Fat Tony:There was never an on and off button. No. There was never kind of, you know... Oh, I need to stop that. Yeah. Oh, no, I was revelling in that fact. Right. That, you know, I got drunk and said and did really stupid things. You know, there was a building, I'd be the one jumping off of it. you know, all of that stuff, for attention. Because that's all I knew was negative attention. I didn't know what positive love, you know, earning attention for the right reasons. I wanted attention. Look at me, I'm a circus, you know. Because it kind of counteracted the fact of what was really going on underneath.

39:16DJ Fat Tony:Yes. Yeah, I didn't have the tools to deal with what was really going on.

39:22Davina McCall:So was it clubs that introduced you to other drugs then, coke and...

39:27DJ Fat Tony:No, it's Paul Lonergan, a friend of mine. Basically, what happened was where I kept getting drunk drunk, it was suggested to me one Saturday night at the Lyceum...

39:42Davina McCall:I was probably there.

39:43DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, you probably were. At the Lyceum, it's like, why don't you have a line of coke? It'll sober you up.

39:50Davina McCall:oh god so it was used as a kind of yeah offset the alcohol yeah you need to do this just do this

39:55DJ Fat Tony:it'll soap you up because and i'd be like i don't need that it's horrible and i i i did it of course and i hated the feeling i hated that feeling i was like oh god i hate this feeling and of course then didn't do it for like a week and then of course next saturday i was like oh oh, let me do that. And then it's Saturday becomes Sunday. And there you go. Then suddenly I was like, I don't know, you know, I'm not buying it. People are giving me it to get in the club because I was on the draw. All of that scenario. And you get drawn in hook, line and sink. Yeah. And at that point in time, as my career was growing, you know, I was no longer suddenly so-and-so's best friend or that's Tony, he's best friends with this person.

40:43Davina McCall:You were a person in your own right.

40:45DJ Fat Tony:A hundred percent. But I was always, I always had imposter syndrome, so I always felt that. Did you? Yeah, big time.

40:53Davina McCall:Did you? Big time. God, isn't it funny? Because when I looked at you, I was like, I was so in awe of you. Thank you. It's quite funny, isn't it? Because when you talk about your career was taking off, you're talking about DJing. Yeah. You managed to kind of hustle your way into DJing. Hustling the words. Yeah, but like amazing. And look what you did. Yeah. Look what you've done. You're still DJing now. How many people can say that? Yeah. That they've managed to make a career out of something that they love and that you very nearly lost it all. Yeah. Well, you did lose it all. I did lose it all.

41:28Davina McCall:At one point. I lost everything, yeah. You've had to rebuild your whole life. I mean, I want to go back to sort of you beginning to DJ and everything. I mean, that was like a golden time when, you know, you were on the up and up. You were ascending. Your star was rising.

41:45DJ Fat Tony:I'd gone, you know, I'd walked into this job that I never, ever wanted to do. I never wanted to be a DJ. That was the last thing I wanted to be. What did you want to be? I don't know. I didn't have goals. I had that kind of life taken away from me. My goals were never... I kind of just wanted...

42:08Davina McCall:That's really sad. It is really sad, yeah. Like, no goals.

42:12DJ Fat Tony:No goals. no game plan no goals i was really happy listening to thumping music and disco lights that was kind of an escapism from what was really going on because in my head that was that was that noise was there the noise of the club and the sound system took away the noise that was going on in my head um and i never had goals i never had this idea of like in two years time i want to be here well no in two years time I want to be drinking in a nightclub because no one needed to know anything other than that do you know what I mean

42:48Davina McCall:it was escapism

42:49DJ Fat Tony:yeah it really was and suddenly I was working on the door of the Lyceum which I blagged my way onto I'd said to Rusty Egan was this the playground? yeah the playground they were opening that club at the Lyceum which was like the biggest club in London

43:08Davina McCall:It was mega.

43:09DJ Fat Tony:And I remember going to see Rusty and I was like, why are you opening night on that night? I'm opening club that night. Rusty went, well, why don't you just stop? Don't do that. And come and work for us on the door. And I was like, oh, all right, then I'll do that. Blagged that job.

43:23Davina McCall:Can I just say, well done.

43:24DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, thank you. Really good one. And then I'd basically let the whole of London in for nothing.

43:32DJ Fat Tony:And literally, I used to sign my name on the back of the invite and they'd get them free. and I used to have to, at the end of the night, hide the invites, how many people got in for free. And every week I would say to Rusty, he'd be like, how has it been tonight? People are leaving, they don't like the music. Just for something to say, right? Literally for something to say, that I could just say, something to say. And Rusty was like, one week said to me, well, why do you always slag off the music? I said, because it's not great. And he was like, well, if you think you can do better, why don't you do it?

44:02DJ Fat Tony:I was like, you know what, I will. and the next week I turned up with four records. Bangers. Four records. Natalie Cole, Pink Cadillac, an ABC record. Which one? I'm not sure which one it was. It was the new one because it had just been reinvented. OK. It was Luther Vandross. Amazing.

44:23Davina McCall:Which one?

44:24DJ Fat Tony:Never too much.

44:25Davina McCall:Obviously.

44:25DJ Fat Tony:Obviously. Obviously. And a Divine record.

44:28Davina McCall:Oh, brilliant.

44:29DJ Fat Tony:Yeah. And literally that was kind of it. and I played both sides and of course I managed to get everyone to come so of course I brought in a load more people and then that was it suddenly two weeks later I had my own night at the WAG on a Tuesday night with Stephen Lennard called Total Fashion Victim three weeks into that, four weeks into that Andy Warhol turned up I was in London and Steve Rebell and then the next minute I'm playing at Palladium in New York. Like, literally, that's how it went. That's how it went. It was like just my way. But, you know, it also happened to have the biggest pop stars on the planet as my best friends.

45:16DJ Fat Tony:So they wanted that as well as they wanted me. So it kind of went hand in hand, do you get what I mean? I used all of those attributes to the best of my ability.

45:26Davina McCall:And how long could you keep it under control? What, the drugs or the drink? Like all of it. Because this was a time, this was like amazing. It was all going brilliantly for you. When did it tip over the edge?

45:39DJ Fat Tony:Oh, so, you know, I mean, there were always little signs. Always little signs. I like, you know, like turning up for work and not being able to do anything because I was so off my nut on E or, you know, all of those little things. But they were fun. Then I kept it going for roughly about a good 15, 16 years of taking cocaine, flying around the world, doing all of that stuff, before it suddenly got to the point where I no longer turn up to the airport.

46:07Davina McCall:Because I think you and I, that was probably, because I stopped using at 24. That's right, yeah. That was probably that whole period for me, like 10 years. Yeah. You were in that, in my life, this whole time. All of those clubs that we worked out together. Yeah, all of that time. and then I remember hearing or seeing you at some point and I was clean and being like oh my god I am really worried that you are going to break like something was going to give and

46:42DJ Fat Tony:yeah my mental health and my health on every level was completely and utterly shot and I went from hero to zero over the course of bouncing years. And then, of course, what happened was I'd get record deals and I'd get loads more money and buy a new house and blah, blah, blah.

47:02Davina McCall:I mean, these record deals were kind of amazing, right? They were amazing. You'd, like, release singles.

47:06DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I, like, literally was... I had a massive deal with Big Life Records with Jazz Summers and Jazz was managing me and it was like, what? All of this drama was going on. And, of course, then I would be Tony and the Tonyisms would come into play. I'd be like, I don't need you. I don't need... And, you know, at that point in time, my drug addiction was far greater than I was. Far greater than I was.

47:35Davina McCall:And what sort of things were you doing at that point?

47:37DJ Fat Tony:At that point, I was just doing like an eighth of coke a day and stuff like that.

47:41Davina McCall:When you say an eighth, is that an eighth?

47:42DJ Fat Tony:Like three and a half grams of coke a day. You know, I had... Like all of us had, like when we were in that situation, we have a list of dealers, one's at the top who's always got the best, and you'd go down. And, you know, it was like borrowing, paying Peter to pay Paul. I was like caught in that world. And the people that I was hanging with weren't great people. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Well, what do you? As I always explained it, as I was on that spiral going down, and all the good things in your life get thrown out at the walls. Oh, my God, that's a really good visual. Yeah, literally, you're like that.

48:23DJ Fat Tony:Yes, like a centrifugal and all the good people leave. Literally, it's like a Damon Hearst splatter painting. Literally, on that wheel, the colour's gone out. And then you're left at the bottom in this murky brown muck that is my life. These are my friends. Yeah. And I remember one time a friend of mine said to me, who are these people you're with and i was like they're my friends why and he was like you wouldn't piss on these people if they were on fire what the fuck is going on with you and i was just like oh you're better in you he was so right yeah it was so right and it was kind of like my life had it wasn't a life it was a survival it had gone from the traveling the world to travelling in a triangle from the dealer's house to the club to the dealer's house, and that was it.

49:15DJ Fat Tony:As I used to say, it was like alcohol, coke, cock. That was my life. It was the triangle of addiction. Whatever way I looked at it, whatever way I tried to make it sound funny, that was it. That was my life. And, you know, I stopped caring about myself. I stopped caring about everything. I used to, you know.

49:40Davina McCall:And also I think, like, you had your appearance, you know, you'd put on weight when you were younger and you were like, this is like a, this is a barrier here, a wall. And, but then when you started using meth, like, you got so thin. You went down to like seven stone eventually.

50:03DJ Fat Tony:I was completely and utterly emaciated, like on every level, like malnourished. I also didn't drink water. I used to think I don't need to drink water. Jack Daniels is made with distilled spring water. There you go. But that was my thinking. I know. It's fine. It's got spring water in it. But I really believed it. I really, really believed it. I was so dehydrated. who are actually malnourished. Skinny to stick together. Like that, like so bad. And your teeth, let's talk about your teeth. Yeah, so I literally, so basically, you know, over the years of lots of alcohol and Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola and sugar addiction and all that, you know, I've always bit my nails, I've always chewed my nails and it would always be in my mouth.

50:56DJ Fat Tony:And what I would do is, the more out of it I'd get, I feel like. and basically over the course of smoking certain drugs like meth and stuff like that I got this thing called meth mouth when my mouth was septic and all my teeth were loose my gums had receded so far back from the cocaine use and being dehydrated gum infection I would sit digging at my gums and then that wasn't enough so I'd get bits of stick and toothpicks and dig at them. And then it would move on to whatever I could find and put in my mouth. And I worked all my teeth loose and broke them. My teeth were rotting from the inside out.

51:40DJ Fat Tony:I was malnourished. Of course my teeth were going to rot. I would break them off. And yeah, in the end, I had no teeth apart from one at the bottom.

51:50Davina McCall:What's crazy is, I remember looking at you and thinking, when is Tony's rock bottom? Like, what is going to... But even losing your teeth wasn't a rock bottom for you.

52:03DJ Fat Tony:No, because I made the people that I had around me accepted that.

52:07Davina McCall:Well, you made sure that you had people around you that would accept it.

52:11DJ Fat Tony:That were just as bad. Do you know what I mean?

52:14Davina McCall:Yeah.

52:14DJ Fat Tony:Because, you know, you kind of see groups of homeless people these days. Like where I live in Pimlico, we have like Old Downwood Market, Victoria. You have herds of drug addicts waiting for the dealer to come and they all walk off in a herd. It's very sad, but I've been there. I've been in that herd. Do you know what I mean? You know, it's like we get comfortable with people that find us comfortable, do you know? Yeah. Yeah.

52:45Davina McCall:And your mum rescued you, right?

52:47DJ Fat Tony:Well, yeah, on many an occasion. On many, many an occasion. You know, my mum always was... My mum never judged, ever. Never judged. She'd say to me, I can't cope with what you're doing. And I'd be like, I'll shut up, mum. Give me some money. But, you know, it was like, literally. And then one day, I just was, it got to the point where my life was so, I'd gone to this point around, so I got clean in 2007. and before that my i was at my house in bat seed this is before i'm like my mum came over unannounced no one ever come on tuesday because it was come down tuesday you know the one day the week where i was resting as such uh she came over and i was i i i kept passing out kept fitting i was having all these fits and i kept putting it down to drinking drugs and um my mum came over and found me unconscious in the kitchen in the house and rushed me to hospital and then that was the day that i was diagnosed in 2002 and it was like okay with hiv yeah yeah but i i you know it was i it was it'd gone into my brain and uh i had to have lumbar punches of javas in hospital for a very long time they took it i took it to the extremes of where i'd left myself so badly and so open that I kind of, I was dying.

54:19DJ Fat Tony:I was dying. Did you know that?

54:22Davina McCall:Could you feel it?

54:23DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, I could, yeah. I could. The thing was, I didn't want to feel. So the more I didn't want to feel anything, the more the drugs went up and, you know, where I was like obliterated in the corner of the house or locked in a room. Because that's what addiction does to us. That's where it wants us. You know, my mum took me to hospital. I was in hospital for a very long time and I came out. How long were you in for? At that point in time, for about three months, I think. I mean, that's a really long time. Yeah, and I remember one night being outside the hospital waiting with a drip in my arm, in a gown, waiting for a dealer to arrive.

55:07Davina McCall:I mean, so mad, isn't it?

55:11DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, it is, but it isn't. It isn't, yeah. Do you know what I mean? because it's kind of what we do, right? It's like, okay. So I was standing there and I remember, I talked about it in the book, I saw Julie, one of my party friends, coming along the road. She was down there and doing a great...

55:27Davina McCall:Can I just say something here? When I heard this, I was like, if that's not the fucking universe, I'm swearing a lot. My hair's still... I just want to apologise to everybody. I'm with Tony. I'm swearing a lot. I don't normally swear this much. I just want to apologise. No, but I just think, like, if that's... You were sent, your HP, higher power, whatever you want to call it. It was.

55:53DJ Fat Tony:It was my first contact.

55:55Davina McCall:Unbelievable that you saw a party friend of yours, but she's not partying anymore.

56:00DJ Fat Tony:No, she was sober. And I was standing outside, you know, praying to a god of misunderstanding. Yeah, the dealer arrived quicker. Oh! I was like, please let him come soon. Please let him come soon.

56:15Davina McCall:And so when you saw your friend, what did you say to her?

56:17DJ Fat Tony:And I saw her coming on the road and I was like, oh, my God, thank you, God. And I was like, Julie, oh, my God, you don't understand how. And she looked at me and she went, Tony. I was like, hi, Julie, how are you? You all right? I don't suppose she's got anything on you, have you? And she was like, what? I said, I don't suppose she's got, like, anything on you, have you? She went, I don't do anything, I'm sober. And I was like, what? You must have something, right? And, like, she was like, literally wouldn't take that. She was like, no. And then she opened her bag and started rummaging through her bag.

56:47And I thought, thank you, God, yes.

56:49DJ Fat Tony:Even if it's vodka or whatever. And she goes like this and I thought she was putting a wrap in my hand. She went like that. Yeah, and I went, it was a white plastic key ring. And it was like, she went, I really want you to go to a meeting. You really need this, Tony.

57:07Davina McCall:So explain to anybody that doesn't know what the key rings are.

57:10DJ Fat Tony:So a white plastic key ring is the moment where we surrender to the fact that we have a problem. It's like going to your first AA or NA meeting. And what they do is they give you this key ring of surrender and it's a welcome to. It's like, okay, this is your white one. And then as you go and progress, so you get three months, 30 days, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. And then you move on to six months, nine months, a year.

57:36Davina McCall:The year one I love because it's glow in the dark.

57:39DJ Fat Tony:And then you progress onto a grey one, which is 18 months, which is always a great area. The dodgy time between one and two. It's so cliché, but it actually is really true. And, you know, so we get those key rings and every year you get a black key ring, which means that you're a certain amount of years clean. And so this was the key ring and I was like, fuck off, bitch. Do you know what I mean? And literally I took it and went back into the house. I didn't get, the dealer didn't come. I went back in. I went to bed, back to my room. and that was the first call of recovery.

58:15Davina McCall:What? But you were like, oh, fuck off. Yeah. Went inside, but did something change?

58:20DJ Fat Tony:Well, it didn't change. I just couldn't get my head around how good Julie looked. Oh, right. OK, so she looked... Oh, she looked incredible. She looked well. Beautiful clothes, everything. I mean, this is the girl that me and her would go to people's houses and stay for three days, do you know what I mean, after the club. Me and her, like, were like... And it was just like, this was like someone I was like, wow, what the, you know. And then there were many other instances. Like, you know, I would be towards the end, right towards the end. I'd be in after hours clubs and people would come in and people go, oh, there's someone I want you to meet.

58:57DJ Fat Tony:And I'd be like, oh, God, here come the Mormons. And they were like people from recovery. And they go, oh, listen, man, let's take you to a meeting. And I would be like, it's like, I don't need that in my life.

59:08Davina McCall:Isn't it funny, though, how when you are close to the end, these things start happening to you? Yeah, they really do. That it really was your time and everything was telling you that.

59:23DJ Fat Tony:Yeah. It was, you know, the sad thing is if you're not listening, someone can say something to you a million times and you don't take it in. But you know what? It's that million and one time that actually works. You get what I mean? It's suddenly, you know, I always say to people, don't ever give up on anyone. Just support them in what they're doing. If they're taking meth and you go, I can't be a part of that, be a part of it. Don't condone it and don't be like, oh, let me get it for you. But be a part of it in the sense of there will come a time when they need you. But if you shut them out, they're not going to come to you.

59:59Davina McCall:I mean, just for anybody that's watching that might know somebody that has a drug or alcohol problem, when are people ready? How do you know?

1:00:13DJ Fat Tony:There's the gift of desperation, right? That they have within them that they will do anything so they don't have to feel the way they feel. So it's a reverse psychology. So they get to this point where they'll do anything to get their fix, right? Because they're so scared of that change. I used to say my life is so shit, but it's my shit. And I'm comfortable within that shit. You know, I got to the point where what other options did I have apart from dying

1:00:42Davina McCall:that was it

1:00:44DJ Fat Tony:that was all I had to look forward to and it always sounds really dramatic but that was it because it got to the point where I would plan my own funeral every day I'd be like Womack and Womack people into teardrops make everyone cry that was it that was the final curtain as such even Mary J Blige no more drama was going to be playing as I got cremated. You know, literally, I had it all planned.

1:01:10Davina McCall:And at this point, you had HIV. Yeah. And can we just talk about what that was like for you at the time? Because obviously, you and I lost so many friends.

1:01:22DJ Fat Tony:I'd already lost all my peer group years before that.

1:01:25Davina McCall:In the 80s. Yeah.

1:01:26DJ Fat Tony:It was... 85 to 95.

1:01:29Davina McCall:Terrifying how many people we lost. You know, obviously, I worked at Models One. Yeah. Like so many fashion...

1:01:36DJ Fat Tony:Or everyone. Literally every great person that gave us the blueprint to be who we are now, that went through that and passed away. And, you know... And for what for? Why did they die? Why did they pass away in such a respectless way? Do you know what I mean? People just shunned them and kicked it to the curb. And we lost so many incredible people. because I

1:02:08Davina McCall:your your partner at the time Tom Tom had HIV and in fact when he found out his life ended very quickly

1:02:17DJ Fat Tony:yeah very very very quickly he found out in in in 92 and he was dead by 95 yeah um and I you know I still lived with him we hadn't been together since 91 but I still lived in the house with him because it was in so I wasn't going to move out you know I lived on old Compton Street it was like We're not going nowhere. But I, yeah, and I supported him through that as much as I could. And then I moved out of there and moved into the house next door. And, yeah, he passed away in front of us. It was such a harrowing situation at the time. I remember I had alopecia. I'd lost, like, so it literally was, I used to think, oh, it didn't really affect me.

1:03:04DJ Fat Tony:just going through that losing i'd already lost so many friends yeah so many friends right and i to lose tom was kind of like a turning point where i just thought this is i can't this is just this is awful do you know i mean because being there just because everyone was there one day and the next day they were gone yeah they're going to hospital they catch a cold and that was here

1:03:28Davina McCall:that was it I think what was quite interesting about you and I think this is such a valuable thing to hear for people is that you you got to a point where you were like right that's it I've got to get I've got to get clean but then the problem started and you think oh we're getting clean that's the thing you've you fixed the problem but that's not fixing the problem you

1:03:52DJ Fat Tony:know when you put down drink and drugs right or whatever it is that you're using whether it be work whether it be sex whether it be shopping all of these things come into play if we we when we're we're dealing with different levels of addiction and where we're at when we put down that stuff we think we conquered it suddenly i've become the face of recovery i was taking every meeting that i ever went to i was you know had my own my own chat show every thursday in soho which was meant to be

1:04:19Davina McCall:an na meeting come to that quite a lot because it was i turned into a comedy act but you know

1:04:23DJ Fat Tony:that was me doing everyone else's recovery and you put down the drink and the drugs you still left right when you take the alcohol out fruitcake christmas cake what are you left with fruit cake right i was bat shit crazy no one could tell me anything when did you realize well at the six year get out clause of like suddenly i found myself homeless again at six years in recovery i found myself literally uh this is when we we when i literally re-found you and all of that stuff that was going on we've had the other you know like in baryst edmund's and all of those things yeah now we we we were like helping other people do and sit for our own recovery we were helping other people to get into services that they couldn't get into um i was going totally insane sex addiction had taken over.

1:05:16DJ Fat Tony:I'd lost everything in recovery. I found myself in a really lonely place because I hadn't changed my behaviours. My learnt behaviours, my lying, everything that I used to get through life that worked for me, no longer worked. They no longer served that purpose. So what I did was...

1:05:35Davina McCall:That's a little bit like when they say the drugs don't work anymore. Exactly that. It's like all those behaviours just stopped.

1:05:41DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, they don't work. You know, I got to that place in recovery where I just was like, what is going on here? You know, so I went and found a new sponsor, got on my knees and asked for help and surrendered to the fact that my life needed to change. And it did. I started doing the work. I started working on myself to the level of, OK, I look good today. I feel good today. I don't need to do anything else. that you know that learned behavior was still there again do you know i mean oh i'm not in pain today so we'll talk about that another day and it wasn't until i got to the point where i wrote that book your memoir yeah the memoir yeah and literally two and a half years it took do you know it's um

1:06:30Davina McCall:your memoir i guess is a bit like a step step four 100 yeah i've done many step fours and never

1:06:37DJ Fat Tony:once been honest. So just... So step four...

1:06:39Davina McCall:There are 12 steps.

1:06:40DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, there's 12 steps. We start with one where we admit that we have a problem. Step two is we come to believe in something far greater than ourselves. Three is that higher power. It's about... You can look at it as... People look... This is the step that kind of normally drives people away because they think it's a religious step. It's not. It's about spirituality. It's about believing in energy that's greater than you.

1:07:02Davina McCall:Well, can I just say something? Step three is you standing outside the hospital. 100%. And your friend walking past with an NA key ring in her bag.

1:07:11DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, that is step three in everything. That is higher power. That's not a coincidence.

1:07:17Davina McCall:No. And it's also you six years in going, something's got to change. Something helps you. Like all the signs are there. Yeah. And you saw them.

1:07:28DJ Fat Tony:Yeah.

1:07:28Davina McCall:You were in a place where you could see them.

1:07:30DJ Fat Tony:And then I helped get a friend of mine clean and I moved into his house with him, as in George, boy George. I was with George and I helped him get clean and so many of my friends.

1:07:46DJ Fat Tony:Because I wanted the world to have what I had. I wanted people to feel that greatness of being sober and being in control of my own life and my own being. I'd found that word responsibility, which I'd never had responsibility before for anything.

1:08:08Davina McCall:Can I quickly talk to you about something? Because before we go, I want to finish on this last chapter and make it all happy and lovely. Yeah, of course. And there's one thing that we haven't talked about, and that is probably the worst time of your life. Yeah. And it's to do with rage in a way, because somebody hurt your dog.

1:08:28DJ Fat Tony:Yeah.

1:08:29Davina McCall:And you fucking kicked off about it. and then they accused you of something.

1:08:33DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, we can talk about that. So what happened was I was like walking my... My dog was pregnant, Taylor. She was pregnant, bless her heart. And I was just come back from the vets thinking she was having a phantom pregnancy at Up Angel and I was walking through the shopping centre. They were having some kind of festival and they'd laid turf on the ground. Anyway, this kid threw a lump of turf at my dog and I went over and said, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Anyway, lost the plot because my pregnant dog. smacked him around the head and called him names and walked off later that day the same kid came up to me with his friends and started shouting abuse at me kicked me in the shin anyway that was it that was it I then the next day went with you to bury St Edmunds to visit someone yes right I remember St Edmunds yeah on the Sunday anyway on the Monday I was walking through Angel to go to a meeting and i got jumped on by about 10 police held down on the floor it was like what the hell is going on anyway i was accused this this this guy this kid accused me of uh touching him blah blah blah like uh and it was like what and i believe no good but where i was just coming to recovery right and i was working i was two years in i was working a program of honesty and i said to the police i don't need a lawyer because i kept thinking i've not done anything wrong the lawyer why do i need a lawyer they're gonna come in in a minute say oh sorry wrong person you can go so i did this interview and in the interview i'd said that i'd been abused as a child I cruised as a gay man I gave them everything they wanted that they could possibly think and you just told the truth and the next minute I'm in Penitfield prison wow how long were you there for?

1:10:30DJ Fat Tony:I was in prison for about three months no two and a half months what was that like? awful I went into prison and they said okay we're going to put you on a special wing I was like what? No you're not No way on earth am I going there It's my worst fear of being around people that did what they did to me years ago I was not going to be in that ring So I said no no no So anyway I went into A wing which is a remand wing and then of course I was up on they called it the 5th on the top floor It was awful because I found myself but the funny thing about it There is a funny thing.

1:11:10Davina McCall:And you've always maintained your innocence. You never, like, you were like, look, I didn't do it. And did you ever get a lawyer?

1:11:17DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, I got the best lawyer in the world, a guy called Simon, who I'd known from clubbing from years before. Oh, wow. And I bumped into him in anger and I said, yeah, there you go, right? And he took on the case and he knew from day one that I was... And then what happened was, as all the evidence came back and my DNA wasn't there, my fingerprints weren't there, nothing was there. They did a locating, nothing came back. I wasn't that person. And, you know, I had to go through the whole rigmarole of it.

1:11:52Davina McCall:And, I mean, how long did you wait for your court case?

1:11:54DJ Fat Tony:A year, almost a year. And I was saying, like, through that time, there were stories in the paper, people were selling stories. you know I was I had to pursue I was persecuted spat out in the street all of those things that go with being accused of that most heinous of crimes anyway I had my trial and within the trial it was it made apparent that the person said that they had made certain bits of it up to get me in trouble

1:12:26DJ Fat Tony:you know yeah again my mouth had got me into a lot of trouble from calling someone and stupid names and uh yeah obviously vindicated of all charges and and everything and you know it was i thought and i and i i stood my ground i was like i'm not going down for something i'm not i'm not that person and uh but so so a bit you know and because we were talking about

1:12:51Davina McCall:your raging that you're not an angry person you rage rage and the trouble that that used to get you into was extreme yeah totally it was always always rage i'd end up fighting

1:13:07DJ Fat Tony:you know from rage always went to that point there was never like okay i'm angry i want to leave oh no i'm not going nowhere until you lot are all being like hit with a porky or that was it do you know i mean it was like this pented up insanity that and afterwards how did you feel oh my god hated myself because it did the trick yeah made me wanted to kill myself rage always authors that come down from rage thinking what the fuck have you just done why did you do that why did you say drugs 100 it is a drug rage takes you to it's it it it takes you out of yourself and turns you into this monster like all drugs and alcohol do and you know and i By going to Tara and working on that stuff and seeing that it's all right to be angry, anger's an emotion.

1:14:05DJ Fat Tony:Then Stabby came into my life and I remember going to Tara and saying, I've met someone. How did you meet him? So basically I'd met, when I was in the middle of sex addiction the first time, not the first time, but I was living at George's house. This is at the six-year mark, right? Yes. When I lost everything to sex addiction. My then partner threw me out, blah, blah, blah, even though I wasn't meant to be living with him anyway. I went to live with George with my dogs. George went, come and stay with me. I was like, oh, thanks. I was only meant to be for a week. It was like five years later I was still there.

1:14:44You know, that's what friends are for, right?

1:14:48DJ Fat Tony:As I kept reminding him. so I got to this point of like complete and utter sex addiction again and lost in it to such extremities anyway I'd been chatting at one point I had seven boyfriends at the same time right that's how insane I was I had a farmer I'd butcher oh you name it I had them all it was like I was chatting to Stavros as he was called and he was at university and he was at uni, not university he was at uni and I was chatting to him and I remember him coming to meet me in Hampstead and I said okay I'll meet you at the tube station now the rule was, when I lived at George's house, no boys were allowed in the house, right?

1:15:38DJ Fat Tony:that was the rule, but I only heard it as no boys were allowed in the house when George is there so the rest of the time it suddenly was like Sainsbury's you know one in one out and it was you know with with any

1:15:51Davina McCall:addiction one is too many and a thousand never enough and um I said Stavio

1:15:58DJ Fat Tony:came and I remember him saying I can meet you at the tube station I was like yeah great and as I was leaving to go meet Stavio at the tube station George arrived home and I was like oh hi oh god so I went to meet Stavio and I I said to him, I'm really sorry, but you can't come to the house. And we went, I said, but I know really good bush on the heath. So I took him to Hampstead Heath because we were living in Hampstead. Anyway, he always swears it was bonfire night because there were fireworks going up. But I always say it was middle of June and the sex was so good. You imagine fireworks. Still argue the fact to this day.

1:16:39DJ Fat Tony:So then I asked him the next day to go on a date with me. I said, would you like to go out to dinner? he said no wow no i don't want to and i was like why and he was like because i just don't want to and he never gave me a real explanation so i remember telling him to fuck off didn't see him for 10 years wow 10 years um and then as i was coming out of that bad time with with my my my ex and the house and everything and the book handing the book in and thinking oh my God the world's gonna hate me because of the truth in that book.

1:17:19DJ Fat Tony:Literally, he came into my life like this shining light. And then something really bad happened in the sense that my house was being bugged. There were like recording devices in every room of my house. What? Yeah. For my ex-partner had basically put recording devices in my house, had keys cut and was going in and out of my house and getting these recording devices and was selling stories on all my friends. Which I don't really talk about much, but yeah. So I started falling out with friends and they were like, well, where would that story come from? He was taping my phone messages. And then one afternoon, so I, Stabby was just a shag partner at the time, right?

1:18:05DJ Fat Tony:Come over, keep the cab waiting, go off. It was very romantic. And one night he came over and he had a jacket with number six written on the back. And I went, see you later, number six, as he went up the stairs. The next day, my ex-partner said something. And then he said to me, oh, tell number six that. And I was like, what? And it just dawned on me. I thought, how would he know that? How would he know that? I went home and I walked down my corridor in my hallway. and for some unknown reason right and higher power stuff i went to the radiator and i put my hand behind the radiator and there was strapped an iphone to the back of the the the radiator recording so basically he'd be coming in and out of the house every time i went out of the house because he's had these like security keys cut and then i called the police the police came they they then got some of this company to come and swipe the house there was like three different recording devices in my living room everywhere going to the the iCloud yeah so anyway we we went for all of that so that's how it kind of all went so then we went into another lockdown semi-lockdown this time and i was flying away flying away to ibiza and me and stabby had just been like shag buddies you know that was it was number four i couldn't i could not bring him into

1:19:34Davina McCall:my world yeah you were you were too much going on i had to save him but i also had to save myself

1:19:40DJ Fat Tony:yes and there was so much going on i did not want the time it was right for him but little did i know say something yeah i mean that's progress right yeah for you yeah you were not that guy

1:19:53Davina McCall:No. And suddenly you're thinking, hang on a minute.

1:19:56DJ Fat Tony:I can't, yeah.

1:19:56Davina McCall:Yeah, I mean, that's amazing.

1:19:58DJ Fat Tony:But little did I know that at that point in time, the ex was sending letters and emails to his mum, to Stav's mum. No. Oh, babe, you don't understand. Completely and utterly telling her this and that and all of this stuff. And Stav, he was like, this is his mum. This is not OK. His son's dating somebody who's twice his age.

1:20:20Davina McCall:Yeah, that's not OK.

1:20:21DJ Fat Tony:Like her prodigal son. And it was like, wow. So they already had this picture of me, of this person, you know, being painted. And I just couldn't bring a stab into that. And I just was like, no, it's unfair. It would be unfair to do it to anyone. So then I was going away to Ibiza. And it was just still in lockdown, like just until the end of it. And I said, I'm going to Ibiza at the weekend. Do you want to come with me? and those words came out of my mouth I want to cry do you want to come with me and he was like yeah because we'd never even shared a bed for the whole night no for the whole night shagging on the sofa got rid of that sofa now and I said would you like to come with me and I didn't think he'd say yes and he said yeah I'd love to so he came it was that point where I thought do I give this a go?

1:21:21DJ Fat Tony:Does he snore? Is he messy? Does his feet smell? All of those things. Yeah, petrified. Absolutely petrified. Is he going to like me? Is he going to see me for who I am? Because I still was at that point where I didn't know who I was in recovery because I still had all the learnt behaviours of a lifetime with me and all that trauma that I was raw and being dealt with slowly surely and he came and he unpacked his little suitcase and we stayed we were the only people staying in the W Hotel and my other friends were there in another place and so we all got to dinner and I was like please don't take pictures of Stavi because at that point it was still a secret because I didn't want anyone else being brought into it to annihilate it and that's it

1:22:09Davina McCall:and wait from the minute you got to Ibiza just tell me did you after the first night

1:22:15DJ Fat Tony:did you just go i know did you yeah it was listen there were so many times in my life where i'd meet a stranger and they'd be the one everyone was always the one oh this is gonna be the one but yeah you know that come on oh someone asked me the direction oh he's the one do you know i mean uh something like a cup of coffee oh he's the one yeah but with stabs it was like he wasn't the one he was the 100 and I just I really just thought is there anything this boy can't do that I don't find endearing and loving and you know he it wasn't like any relationship I'd ever been in he brings out the best of me he he can he completes me he makes me me the man that I'm meant to be and he makes you like yourself no he doesn't make me like yourself he makes me love myself that's i went through life wanting people to like me because i never ever wanted anyone to know the real me and i want everyone to know the real me because of stavvy so he brings that out in me it's amazing me be all right with who i am and i don't as i said before i don't ever think oh my imposter syndrome sometimes seeps in like seeps in but then it gets pushed back out Whereas before it would seep in and I would be swimming in it.

1:23:42DJ Fat Tony:Yes. And now I don't ever feel that I'm an imposter. I feel that I'm a very content, happy, take it as it is kind of man. And I really am, you know, we talked about masculinity at the beginning of this. You know, I think the most masculine thing anyone can ever be is honest. Yes. Yes, Tony. and i'm really that's that's the taras the recovery the 12-step program everything has got me to that point where i am really happy to be honest do you know what i mean yes lying doesn't work for me no you know it doesn't it's like there's a point in my life where what is the point of that it's so no let's just get straight to the point and i will be honest and it's like, you know, I got to this point where I'm so happy just being me and being we.

1:24:42Davina McCall:What, because after your first book, like, this obviously is written with Tara.

1:24:47DJ Fat Tony:Yeah. So I wrote that separately and then I gave it to Tara to read.

1:24:52Davina McCall:And who are you writing this for? Who's it for?

1:24:55DJ Fat Tony:This is a self-help book in the sense that I want people to read it and take things from it and learn from my mistakes. Because there's a lot of mistakes in there. It's not the normal type of self-help book where you read it. OK, that belongs in a doctor's surgery. This doesn't. This belongs on your bookshelf. This belongs next to the side of your bed. And it's not just for drug addicts. No.

1:25:18Davina McCall:It's for anybody.

1:25:19DJ Fat Tony:You know, I didn't want to... The publishers were like, can we put the word addiction on the cover? I said, absolutely not. I'm not an addiction. this is about overcoming that it's about overcoming the insanity so i've called it a user's guide to overcoming insanity because whatever we're using whether it be drink drugs sex food if people are

1:25:40Davina McCall:honest lots of people use things that of course they do you know are acceptable to society use

1:25:45DJ Fat Tony:trauma to get through trauma we create scenario we listen and it's all in that book because I've done it all and there's you know it's and then I wanted Tara to break down those chapters and tell the world how insane I am at certain points

1:26:03Davina McCall:and also give tools she gives really practical brilliant you know tools and advice yeah so his chapter

1:26:07DJ Fat Tony:is a therapy session and I kind of wanted to do it in a way that wasn't clinical do you know what I mean

1:26:13Davina McCall:and it's very easy to access because Tara's bits are in the dark grey which is really good because you can kind of you know which bits

1:26:22DJ Fat Tony:her and which bits you it's very easy to it's called recover me because we all go into recovery at some point in our lives for trauma whether it be brain tumors breast cancer we're always recovering right if we and there's a point of us where we we come off medicate self-medicating whatever it is and we get to this point where we're left with ourselves and normally what we will do is when we will use those learned behaviors to as crutches so when we're born right very briefly we learn to make noise to be picked up to be fed to be held that noise suddenly becomes speech and it becomes i want i need then those that's i want i need learned oh i don't feel well can i have some of that medicine and and so it begins and those all become learned behaviors then we get find ourselves in situations where it's easier to lie and we get away with lying and we're going to lie forever because that's another learned behaviour.

1:27:21DJ Fat Tony:And then trauma comes in or addiction or whatever goes on in life, the breakup of our parents. So we learn coping-making systems and we take them on. So we take all of these learned behaviours to every relationship, every form of relationship. And by the time you get to 50, you have so many new learned and old behaviours that you do not know who you are, what you want in life. And I was that man. I was that man, I would find more drama to over count the other drama so I didn't have to think about that other drama and that was it and this book is about recovering me finding me not Tony, not like Fat Tony or any of those DJ Fat Tony none of those things, it's just about finding recovering me the lost parts of my life that I never let anyone into, even bud you know what I mean, I never even planted those seeds And this book's about that.

1:28:17DJ Fat Tony:It's about letting that personal growth happen. Because we all want to change. But change sometimes is uncomfortable.

1:28:26Davina McCall:I mean, this is the whole point, I think, of this podcast. This is why you are, like, such a perfect guest. Because it is about living a life where you can die happy. And I really can. Yeah, and I think you can. and you've, you know, you planned your funeral and you planned all the tracks and everything, but you weren't in the right, but now you are in a place where you are living a life you love. You know yourself.

1:28:54DJ Fat Tony:Yeah, I do know myself, yeah. And it's taken a lifetime to get there. And you love yourself. I love myself, but not in an egotistical way. No, I know. Ego comes from a place of fear, and I fear very little in this world because I've overcome that fear. Yeah.

1:29:10Davina McCall:Oh my god, I mean I'm gonna end on that. Like that is mega. Tony, can we just give Tony a round of applause please? Oh my god, Tony, that was so fucking good!

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