Lorna Luxe: Life After Losing John

24:41Davina McCall:It could be drugs, drink, food, weight, like whatever. But it's like, if I can control this, I am safe. Yeah. And I loved it. I really like, I kept thinking I've got a secret sauce here. They don't know. But I'm on to something with this. And I was really proud of my ability to undereat and be hungry. And that's really terrifying. iron and I'm thank god that I've come through the other end now I have definitely I've control issues but just with different things now like my business is what I control and I John certainly gave me those tools to feel like you I'm your safe place you don't need to be in control anymore because I've got you and he kind of stepped into that role for me in a big way yeah I've got a real antennae for spotting a good person I think that is my secret weapon in my job in my job that I do now is that I can spot bullshit a mile off.

25:38Davina McCall:Yeah. And I kind of entertain, I will entertain people because of my job. I have to sometimes. But it's quite locked down my group of friends. And I don't really step outside of that unless I have to. I'm quite protective of my mates. And that's from your upbringing, right? I think it's from upbringing, but I think it's Virgin Atlantic that taught me that. Oh, really? I think it being cabin crew taught me a lot of that. You can just, there's just little things. and I think when people get on planes, they become quite childlike, right? Because they don't really know what they're doing. So they're just like, you're in charge.

26:10You know, you tell them to put their seatbelt on, you tell them when they're allowed to go to the toilet. So you really, analysing folk on a plane has really helped me in everything else I've ever done, really.

26:20Davina McCall:Can't I just say that's actually blown my mind? That's so true. It's true, isn't it? Think about it as well, how you feel when you get on a plane. Yes! You do become a bit... You hand over all responsibility to someone else. You're not driving. Yes. You don't really understand how the plane works. And it's like, yeah, I think that I really... I recognised how powerful that was. I was 10 years flying, right? It's a long, long time to be one-on-one customer service. And so I really got to meet every walk of life on that job. You know, all different types of people. I've partnered with Do Health for this episode, and I want to tell you why.

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27:55Davina McCall:Not more worry, it's a way forward. Go to dohealth.co slash beginagain and use code beginagain to lock in early access pricing. What happened at the end and how did you get into social media? Well, what happened for me was that I eventually got to a point of like, I can't do this anymore. Went and spoke to a line manager and they grounded me, which I was devastated about. Because in my head, I was like, well, you can't take away my uniform because I defined myself as a Virgin Atlantic. I'm like a hostie and if you take this away then you're taking everything away and that was not rock bottom but probably was my rock bottom was losing my job and I was offered a ground job I didn't want to do that I spoke to John and he was like look we're not flush by any means but if you want to take some time out and get well then I will support that Well it was interesting the journey because there was kind of talk of you becoming an inpatient at a treatment centre and I would say normally if people, because you were saying it was a rock bottom, when people hit a rock bottom and they go, you should be an inpatient, you just go, yes.

29:07Davina McCall:You were like, not on your nelly. I said to John, I'll do this, but it was a month. They wanted me in for a month. I imagine I would have been in for a lot longer, to be honest. But I said, after the end of that month, we're getting a divorce because the trust is gone for me. Wait, why? I just was like, I was so adamant I was not going into that environment. And we'd been there the whole day seeing where I would have to stay and stuff. And I was like, nah, I can't do this. And it could have gone both ways. And I don't know what, a bit like a sliding doors moment. I'd love to have seen how that would have played out had I gone into inpatient and then I would have come out.

29:46What would I have divorced, John? What would my life have looked like then? Why would you have divorced him? Were you angry with him? I was so angry. Were you? And I felt so like you're the only person that can walk with me on this journey and you have to trust that this is the way I want to do it. I've given myself to you by saying I'm not well and I need help. But if you then just lock me up in a box and don't let me do it in the way I want to do it, the control of that just was like floored me.

30:11Davina McCall:what's interesting because my experience but of addiction so it's not really of an eating disorder is that that if you're in the addiction you will literally say anything yeah not to have to yeah get better but john actually didn't make you do it and do you think he was scared that you would actually leave after the month. Yeah. And he said that to me, he said it many times over the years. He was like, there was just no, it wasn't an option for me. I'd met my person and I wasn't prepared to take the risk. And so you got to decide your fate and I'm so glad he did that. Yeah. And I mean, it worked.

30:57It worked. It took a long time.

31:00Davina McCall:That's quite rare. Yeah. I just want to say. Yeah. How long did it take? It probably took about 10 years, I would say. What did you get in better? What needed to happen? I needed to do it in my own time. I needed to find other things to feel obsessive about. I'm an obsessive character, which actually I don't think you get online. I'm quite laid back as well. I'm like an oxymoron because I'm super chill most of the times. But then when I get really obsessed about something, I get really excited about it and I just want to think about it all the time. And he knew that about me, he knew that character flaw.

31:40And I think he knew deep down that if she just found something else to get interest from, this would be a distraction. And my mum knew that as well. So my mum was there always in the background, you know, she bought me a sewing machine. She was like, why don't you get into sewing? Because you used to love that as a kid. She'd buy me all these things to do. Did you? I didn't in the end. So I do have the sewing machine somewhere. But I never got into the sewing. But they both tried to create these distractions. And actually, what was the beauty of it was that I found my own distraction. But that came from me getting a job and me waking up one day and going, you know, I'm really boring.

32:13He'd said to me anyway, he went, you're getting a bit boring. You don't have any chat. You don't go anywhere or see anyone. And I used to be a very exciting person flying around the world. I just, I love John. He was great. That's hilarious. Yeah. You're getting a bit boring. I mean, only somebody that really loves you can say that. I remember us being in the bedroom and him saying it to me. And it took a while to sink in. So it wasn't like an immediate, right, well, I'm going to get a job. But then I just thought, yeah, I need to do something. And then I applied for a job and didn't get it, but I did get a job.

32:43And I think that set the wheels in motion then because having a job, a reason to get up every morning and do a nine to five was flipping brilliant. Never had that before. I had a very transient work life, home life in Brighton. And now I was working in office with women that had like real lives. to think normal things to worry about. They haven't got time to worry about their weight. They're worrying about the kids, worrying about the bills. And I started to think, oh, maybe my life's been a bit self-focused. Maybe it's not all about me and I just need to open it up a bit and be interested in other people's lives.

33:18And around the same time, I was doing customer service, which made sense because of my virgin training. But it was an online website where they took beautiful photos and I was watching all these pictures being taken And I was like, well, I might try that when I get home tonight. And I'd go home and I'd set up a little, you know, corner of my room with like candles and, you know, dolls or whatever I had and take a little photo and post it. And that's how I kind of got into Instagram. You know, you are very brilliant at creating beauty. No, I love it. I love I love beautiful things. But it's such a talent.

33:52Is it a talent or is it just I had the time and the obsession?

33:56Davina McCall:No, well, I believe it is a talent because I wouldn't do that. But I was a perfectionist, right? I was obsessive. But you knew what looked good. But I knew what looked, what I thought looked good. Don't always get it right. But it was fun. It was experimental. And it was like new social media, right? What did you call your first account or was it always? I remember joining Instagram in the office with the girls and my number plate at the time was L9UXA. John had bought it me for 150 quid because he was always saying, you're my little looks. And the girls in the office, because Lorna had been taken, not anymore, I've got her back.

34:37But yeah. So nice, isn't it? I know, yeah, John would have been very happy about that. But Lorna Lux was there and they were like, because I think Annie, a girl who works in the office, was like, oh, why don't you be Lorna Lux? Because of your number plate. And I was like. So you've always been that? There's always Lorna Lux. Brilliant. and um john and i around would have been just before so it would have been a year and a bit ago we'd we'd got been given a meta manager you know like facebook and instagram yeah and i'd said oh i'd really like to just be laura is that a thing can i just have laura now and john was like this is good for you because where you're growing your own businesses and like you can get you can reclaim andrews which is his surname you can be you know you're not laura looks you're laura andrews and i I was like, yeah, you're right, I'm one of the hundreds.

35:22And we'd never got it. And I just thought, well, maybe I've just sent the email and no one's understood. And then I had a meeting with my management about three weeks after John had died. We were sat in Ketna's in Soho. Yeah. And I was like, you know what, I'm really pissed off because all I wanted was for John to see me as Lorna. He never got to see it and he would be really annoyed about that. And my manager was like, oh, let me pop him another email and see if anything happens. And then a week later, overnight, on a Saturday night, it changed. And I was like, is this John? It is. Is it John doing this for me?

35:53Can I say? It is. Mind blown. It's John. Yeah. I think I have to believe that. And he would have loved it. He would have been so... He loved all that. And he loved seeing me be successful and do things and them actually work. So, yeah, it was just a little win that I was like, yes, got that. Did it.

36:13Davina McCall:So I'd quite like to get into you and John as a couple and how you work. So I think it is important how you met. And it was through a friend. Yeah. Could you just talk me through the meeting? I know you've told this story before. No, but it's a lovely thing. It's a lovely story. I'd just been on a three-night Antigua, and I'd just recently split up with my boyfriend. And I was still in that period of like, well, I don't know what I'm going to do, and my life's over. I was like 24. And then on the flight, I always remember this guy, Steve. He was like, oh, you just need to go out more. You need to put yourself out there.

37:00You're a good-looking girl. You can do all right. He was like, I've got loads of mates, and he lived in Brighton. I was like, oh, okay. Okay. Anyway, not expecting to see him again. That Saturday, we landed back the Saturday morning. That Saturday night, me and the girls decided to go out for a few drinks. And I remember walking into Santa Fe in the lanes and John was stood with this Steve. And I spotted Steve straight away. So that's that bloke we've just flown with. And then apparently John turned to Steve and was like, who is that girl? Like, do you know her? And of course, Steve was like, yeah, I've just done a trip with her.

37:30And he was like, you need to introduce me to her. I need to meet her immediately. and so they came ushering over and I just remember him being very smiley but he'd been really caning the sunbeds and he'd shaved his head so he had a skinhead and if you've seen pictures of John you know he looks lovely with his bushy hair so this was not a good look for him but generally he was quite an attractive guy but much older right like 20 years older than me and I just remember thinking why is this old bloke talking to me like what's he interested in me for but the more we chatted and he told me his life story, he was getting divorced.

38:02He really laid it all out and I was like, wow, this guy's really oversharing. But he was so lovely with it that I couldn't but just go, I was like, I'm fascinated by you. Were you even at that time aware that these kind of attributes in a man

38:18Davina McCall:were so rare, like this openness? He was quite vulnerable with you from the get-go. But he was just a big green flag. Like there was no effing around with John. There was no lying, fibbing, trying to make out he was something he wasn't. Yes. He was completely himself, very comfortable in his skin as well. I think he was just, he always says, I met you and he was like, wow. And he always says I had a very severe fringe. You did? I don't think I did, to be honest. What, like, bit like mine now? It wasn't severe. I always said it was just a bit blunt because I used to trim it myself over the sink.

38:53But it wasn't severe. But I got what he was getting at. He was like, you were striking. And I didn't have any money. I was earning like nine grand a year. I was like, no money whatsoever. I used to pin my cardigan. So I had this little black cardigan on from All Saints that had all these safety pins in it where it had ripped. But it still looked quite cute. And he just was like, I just loved that you were just like you, unapologetically you. Yes. With your big fringe. And you just looked cute and you were just so open to me. And I was open. I was an open book even then. And we just clicked. And I was like, I really like him.

39:28And then we ended up, for whatever reason, me and the girls, ended up taking him and his mates to a club. That same night, the first night you met. Great, yeah. And the girls I was with weren't really fussed with his mates at all. They were like, what are we doing here like? Can we drop these now and crack on? And so we decided we were going to go to another nightclub after that. So we were going to decant these guys at said club and bounce to the next club. Yeah. And so I went over to him and I was like, listen, we're going to make moves now. and he looked a bit like don't leave me yeah and he was like look can I get your number please can I have your number and I was like no you can't but I was like but you can give me yours and he said he always thought that was it it was like he was trying to be polite I was trying to be polite yes I would have thought that too but I did like him

40:13Davina McCall:but were you thinking I know I get to I get I get to be in charge yeah and I thought I'd like you but I'm not like in a rush to get into another relationship and so I took his number and then we got in the cab, we got to the next club and the next club had had a flood and it was shut. So we were like, oh, what are we going to do now? And everyone was getting, you know, you get to that point in the night where you're like, oh, should we just go home? Yeah. So I got back to my flat and it's like two, three in the morning and I was like, I'm bored now. I'm going to text that bloke. So I texted him that very night.

40:43He said he was buzzing, he couldn't believe it. He was absolutely thrilled. And that was how we started our relationship. Oh no, the universe. The destiny of it. Yeah. And the floods, right? The floods. Because I've had two floods in my life, and they've both been profound in how my life has played out since. Tell me.

41:01Davina McCall:Second one was, that was sofas. Yeah, so second one, you know, we bought our ghost house, brutalist house, subterranean. Anyone that has a subterranean house should know that the water has to get to the ground floor in order to go. And if that pump that was pumping the water up fails, you really are in the shit. And we were really in the shit. So one night after a particularly rainy night, all that water that was meant to be getting pumped up started to pump into our house and the entire ground floor was sodden. And as a consequence of that, we ended up having to move out. I've still not moved back in.

41:33I've not had my house for a year now.

41:35Davina McCall:I'm in a year. But what I would say is, would I have wanted John... John died in a rental house. Would I have wanted John dying at the ghost house? No, I bloody wouldn't. No, isn't it... But again, isn't it funny the way that life throws you these curveballs but they end up being... And one was, to me, was a tragedy. The first one felt like a tragedy. Oh, I want to go clubbing, I can't. And the second one really was tragic but both of them led me to, in some way, I connected to John in some way. I've never really thought about that till now. But yeah, that was a really good period of my life that when I first met him.

42:11That was good times. And how fast did it move? So fast. They don't hang about, do they, when they like you? I saw on a TikTok recently, it was someone like, if you want to know if a bloke knows you, you'll know if a bloke likes you, because they won't mess around. And John really was that guy, you know, he wasn't taking no for an answer, he was booking the dates, he was making the plans. And I remember I flew to Boston, and I got this long essay from him, because back then there was no iPhones or anything like that, it was just like, you know, your little 3210. So that essay took, you know, there's a lot of scrolling.

42:46And it was like, so these are the options for the dates. We can do this and we can meet at this time. We can go here. But I'm thinking the wine list is quite nice there, but probably won't be able to eat there. And it's like a proper like, it was cute. And I got this whole essay back and I just text back and went, I'll see you at Browns at 8. No, because I was the opposite of him, right? We were so opposite. But can I just say something? I bet he loved them. I think he did. Because I was cool. I was playing it cool. But were you playing it cool? I was cool. I was feeling cool. I wasn't looking at him as like a meal ticket because I knew he had a bit of cash.

43:19I wasn't looking at him as like a potential husband because I was like, he's way too old for me. So I was like, I don't really need to force this. I can just see how it plays out. And I'm so glad I did that because we really got to know each other without the pressure of expectation and of me expecting loads from him. And does he like me? And, you know, does he fancy me? Because I knew he really liked me because he told me so. But I wasn't also overthinking it. I was allowed to just enjoy it and that's how I fell in love with him When did you fall in love with him? I think I fell in love with him at

43:53probably two and a half months in we went to a hotel Hotel Devane in Brighton and I just remember we were going out for dinner and we were staying there and he'd bought he'd been to Rees and he'd bought a job lot of shirts from Rees because we'd had previous instances where I'd been like I don't really like that I don't really like what you're wearing because I just felt very comfortable, to be honest with him. And he bought all these shirts and he was trying them on. He looked so handsome because he was a good-looking bloke and he worked out. And I was just like, oh, my God, I really like this guy.

44:21I think I might love him. Like, I care. I care a little bit too much.

44:25Davina McCall:So, okay, let's go back to abandonment and fear. Like, because falling in love with someone is a double-edged sword because it's amazing because you are feeling these fantastic feelings and sometimes, you know, when it's really intense, there's nothing like it. Like, it's absolutely incredible, but it's also fucking terrifying. Yeah. So how were you? Yeah, I was like, shit, what if this goes... I flipped the script a bit and I became like the, you know, hi. I don't think you ever noticed. But yeah, I was fearful for the first time since I'd known him. Because up to that point, I hadn't been. I was very blase about it all.

45:13It was all on my terms. And I'd be messaging him, meet me at Starbucks in an hour. And he'd bless him, come driving all the way from Kemptown to Hove, when he should be working, to take me out for a nice coffee. Do you know what I mean? I was taking the mick. Because I was testing him as well, right?

45:30Davina McCall:Yes. And I think that's another, sadly, flaw that I have with men, because I don't have it with women, but I have to test them. Well, it's because you were abandoned. Yeah, I want to check them out. I'm not surprised, you know. It runs deep, that fear. Yeah, it does. I get you. Yeah. I totally understand. I understand you. It's not a defect. It's a survival strategy. Yeah, it probably will always be there as well, I suspect. And he just passed every test with fine colours. It was great. He was just a lovely, lovely, wonderful man. From the day one. Sometimes when women start to feel safe, it's like less attractive.

46:14Davina McCall:How did you keep that going? Because how soon did you move in together? Because that in itself is quite a kind of fast kill. Within a few months, we bought a place together. So we were moving at a right rollicking pace. What I think helped in the first formative years was that I was crew, right? So I wasn't there half the week. Right. So that kept the mystery. Keeps it alive. And we, anyone that's ever seen us together, we were like read each other, like finish each other's sentences, that kind of vibes. Very similar in some ways, very different in others. And he was so wanting me to do well in everything I did throughout our whole marriage that he really moulded himself in ways to me.

47:00And as I changed, as I grow, because I think you do, 25 to 35, you're a different person. Yeah. He's obviously a bit older in his 40s, 50s. He just made sure that he was following along and making sure he was a sturdy ship for me to, like, bounce off.

47:14Davina McCall:But it's like he wasn't changing because he was a good guy just supporting you, really, wasn't it? It wasn't that... He was just dead solid. Yes, solid. And he knew himself. Yes. And he had, like, a strong moral compass. Like, me, I'd be that girl that might, you know, like... Listen, I'm that girl that if I'm in the supermarket and it says, have you got any bag? Like one bag, two bag. I might not always press two. I might press one, even though I've got two. I don't know why. Why do we do that? John would never do that. He would have to go back and pay for the extra shopping bag. I'm that person.

47:48If I put two packets of ham in the basket instead of, you know, and he paid for one. You'd give me anxiety, Lorna. Like, I would be so anxious. Yeah. That's really funny. You're naughty. I'm naughty. And he just kept me so, like, good. Yeah. And, you know, you've got to do everything right because then no one can catch you out.

48:06Davina McCall:Yeah. And he was very much like that by the book. And his mum was like that. And I always think, I always say this, you can tell a lot about a bloke by his mum. And I think the relationship that a mum has with his mum is really crucial. And his mum was not to be messed with. She was a real character and a real, like, matriarch. And I really liked her. Oh. And I think she really liked me. I bet she did. And she'll always say to me, I mean, she got to 92, I think she was when she died, but she'll always say to me, I love you, Lorna, because you make my son very happy. And I really like that because I felt like, oh, I'm doing something good here.

48:45Yeah. She made me feel good.

48:47Davina McCall:I mean, it is interesting that just by being you, you know, you could create this joy in John, but just by being him, he did the same for you. So what other golden nuggets? You did mention, you've talked about love languages before. So talk me through how you guys used or how did you kind of work? I mean, I don't think we ever analysed it in the way that people do now. I think all the social media now, we're all analysing ourselves, aren't we? Back then, you just got on with it. And I do think love languages did play that role in our relationships because we understood what each other wants. I'll be honest, I need all five, mate.

49:29I need it all. I'm quite greedy. I'm a greedy lady. I'm like, I need to be touched. I need presents. I need to be told I look great and I need it all. But he didn't. He really didn't. He was very... He was very... He just wasn't a greedy man. He was like, I'll just take whatever I can get. Whatever you're willing to give me, I'll take it. And I think that sums him up. That makes me feel a bit sad in a way. But it made me want to give him more. Oh, that's interesting. And he loved cuddles and touch. So he's touch then. And every morning up until, you know, him leaving this earth, we had to have our 10 minute snuggle.

50:09Yeah. So every morning, didn't matter what was going on. We're pressing snooze on the alarm, usually my alarm, and we're having that 10 minutes. So that was important to him. But I did like presents. I did like him to tell me I look beautiful. And I did need those reassurances. and he just knew. He knew. And he just gave it. And he gave it like it was free. You know, he wasn't tight with it. And I think that's the measure of a good relationship when you're generous with one another.

50:37Davina McCall:Yes. And you have gratitude for each other, right? Because if you're pouring, he was always pouring into my cup, even at the end when he didn't have much to pour into his own. And that's like the measure of a strong person to be with, I think. Lorna the interesting thing I think is that you know if we look at your social media and just know Lorna you are you've got this amazing life with this amazing home two homes like we've got the mirrored one and the you know ghost house and it all seems so spectacularly huge and exotic and what's been interesting is that you could think oh well um it was all about him he you know from what you're saying and how you've talked about him he gifted you so much but what i see is what you did for him in that last year of seeing like how he was diminishing and not wanting him to be invisible.

51:48Davina McCall:That's so beautiful. That last year was a real crap. It really was. And you're right, we did have all these nice things around us, but that's when shit really gets real because it doesn't matter how much stuff you've got. you're all subject to the same fear, right? Which is your own mortality. Yes. And we were watching it and we couldn't control it at all. And yeah, it was really eye-opening for me that. It's made me change my thoughts around having stuff. Like it makes me want to just like go travelling and just discover myself a little bit and not be so fixed to things because they can still be taken away.

52:38Like my one thing that was solid in my life has been whipped out of me and I had no control over that. So it's like, what's the point of having a lot of them in it? It's almost like, feel a bit, what's been really brilliant because obviously this podcast is called Begin Again, right? That really resonates with me at the beginning because I am literally like mid-40s, got to begin again because I've got no children. not married I'm in between homes and that's a bloody nightmare in itself what's gone down there I just feel like nothing is sturdy in my life obviously I've got great pals and my mum but it really feels like a flipping heck this is like this is really quite this could be quite dark I had a choice right which way to go after John died I could have gone down that I'm not getting out of bed and this is the end for me I hate my life or what I'm trying to do at the minute which is to be like right come on me and John have got business to build we've put a lot of work into this I'm not going to drop the ball now and like let's raise some money for charity in John's name let's do this let's do things to remind people that John's this incredible bloke I got to know and witness which I'm still posting about him and I'm sure some people don't really want to see it but I love I love seeing old videos of him we love it be yourself yeah

53:58Davina McCall:and listen to yourself. I think you've said a couple of times that he'd said to you, I thought when I got sick you would leave. Yeah, you did say that. Which is like mental to me, can you imagine? Right. That's when you need me most, what you're talking about. Yeah. And that's... I was a bit offended when he said that. That was his fear. I was a bit upset with him for saying that because I thought, well, what kind of person do you think I am? but I understand he in himself felt as though almost like anyone you don't be a burden do you and I was like you are not a burden you are you know a huge part of my life you are my business partner my best mate we are so many things to one another this is the time when I've got you back like this is where I'm going to roll my sleeves up and show people how it's done and I really did that I really like thought no I'm not having this I'm you know I advocated him when we when he went into hospital with sepsis I was the first person you know I was there I didn't care about opening hours you know you can't come until four o 'clock in the afternoon I don't think so not on my watch I was parking can I just say I bet you are I bet you are someone to do I was not messing around yeah there's no messing about I I get it and I would take chocolates in for the nurses but equally I was taking sandwiches in for him because I was like he's not eating this slop and that is you know he wouldn't eat there was a week there was a whole week where he hadn't eaten anything I said what are you doing and he's like well I just don't want to go in and on anymore and I was like no we're not doing that we just need you to get better now and that was May of last year right and he got he had an extra you know six seven months or whatever so I'm glad that we did that because he said to me when he got home I'm really glad that you kicked my ass because I was on a bit of a loader.

55:41I was feeling lower and lower and I needed you there to just have my back. So yeah, I don't know. Just so many things have happened in the last year. It's a lot. This is the most I think I've given it airtime in my head because I normally pull the drawer open and have a little look, think about it for about 10 minutes and then I'm like, right, okay, we won't talk about that again. Let's do something else. Get distracted. It's good. It's a good strategy. Yeah, it's working. It is working. Who's looking after you? My mum. My mates. Myself a little bit. Goes back to that resilience piece. I can do this.

56:27My business. Got to show up. Tell me about that. How's that going? It was absolutely... Parts of it were on its arse when John was really unwell. You know, I've got a fashion brand. I'm not getting dolled up, am I? I've been in the same pyjamas for three weeks, not washed my hair. So that was not working well. But then I also had a beauty brand with other people involved. They were like, don't worry about it. We'll crack on and sort this out. So very different. And then also my personal brand. A lot of my money comes from my own business, my own business, me. Wasn't doing any of that. So it was quite scary.

57:10My house is like falling around. Everything was like, there's lots of bills coming in. There's lots of bills related to John as well. God. That was quite a scary period. Didn't really understand. Didn't have a bank card. I think day two of John dying, I had to order a bank card because I didn't have one. Day three, I tried to pay a bill using his app and it wouldn't go through. And I rang the bank and the man went, can I just ask why are you trying to log into John Andrews' app? And I was like, well, I don't have one. and he was like well you need to get your own because this is you can't do that oh my god so

57:43Davina McCall:you couldn't get access to my own any money and uh oh my god it was a lot like what did you do i just had to make a lot of phone calls and listen i'm still sorting things out and there was a lot of that that first week i was like flipping heck john what the hell have you left me with it it's a car crash but bit by bit bite-sized chunks each day i'll open a letter and we'll deal with it. Yes. And it's still the same today. And sometimes I get a few letters through the post and I sit there staring at them. And then at some point I sit down and I'm like, and they're not as scary as you think they're going to be.

58:16And I have found, the funniest thing I've found is like, you'll ring someone up. So I rang up Sky Digital because the Sky was going to be cancelled because the direct debit hadn't gone through. They were lovely. It could have been lovelier. So nice. And when I told her that John had died, she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Really lovely. Lovely. I rang up one utility company and I told them John had died. And she was like, hang on, can you just hold on a sec? Because my screen's just crashed. Didn't even acknowledge it. And then she's like, right, so hang on. So what we need to do is get you, we need to change the name to you.

58:45And she didn't mention it. I thought, that's a bit weird. People are funny, though, aren't they? Some people can't talk about it.

58:51Davina McCall:We don't know what their experience is, right? So, yeah. If someone has a friend, how is the best way to handle it? What do people do? What do you need? What did you need? I needed people to acknowledge it. Right. And not more than that. And it's lovely when people are like, let's go for a drink. Should we go for a wine? Do you want to do? I don't always need that. I think I prefer the regular check-ins. You know, just a quick hug. You're all right. I hope today is good. Tell me something about you. Because it's boring as well. Yeah. You know, a lot of the grieving process is just sat, you know, watching telly.

59:31Yeah. and thinking, is this it now? And it's boring. So anything for me was about titillating me and keeping me company. And my mates did a really good job of that, to be honest. There was a lot of group chats flying around. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on air, but one of my group chats is called ****. And it's me and two girlfriends, and it's just the funniest thing. And every day I go in, I look forward to whatever the **** are going to say today. And again, it's just sharing. It's distraction. yeah and I loved those group chats you need that right because I didn't they didn't you know in a group chat you're not expected to contribute but you can still partake in it yeah you're included but you don't have to be involved yes and I really liked that so group chats were the win for me

1:00:14Davina McCall:and still are and it's the checking in I think you were talking earlier about loneliness it just kind of stops you being quite so lonely yeah there are people still there yeah and that distraction and also what I thought was brilliant because when my mum and dad got divorced My mum always said, I lost a lot of my friends because all those couple friends were nowhere to be seen. Yeah, they don't want to invite you around. A single woman on their own, I had a similar thing. You're suddenly like a spare part. It's quite weird. People don't know what to do with you. I haven't had that experience. No, it's bizarrely.

1:00:47My couple friends have invited me on holidays. I don't think they want me going on their holiday, but it's nice that they've asked me. Yeah, nice to be asked, right? Or they've got together with another couple and said, right, let's do this. and we've organised a lunch or a dinner and let's have a bit of a giggle. I really appreciated that because I thought I'm going to lose some pals here. And that's been quite the opposite. Before you die, John talked to you a little bit about you meeting someone else. John never said, we never had a phone chat about a person that I would end up with. Oh no, but like the idea, the concept of meetings.

1:01:21John was always kind of like, you need people around you. you need company and you need to stay social and you need to make sure when i'm not around that you have lots of people you can play with because you need that stimulation and i remember when we moved from brighton to the midlands and we live in the middle of nowhere and he was like i'm a bit worried about this because i'm going to be living in the ghost house and you're going to be fucking off to london all the time and partying because you love going out and i said i won't do And of course, I'd started to do that. And I had to reign it in a bit because he certainly isn't like me in that sense.

1:01:58He just likes, you know, he's quite chill. So I think he knew very much my personality type is to be quite busy. But I think how that's playing out at the minute is that I'm really like throwing myself into work. I don't know if this is a good thing I've heard people say oh you shouldn't do that you're just delaying the inevitable of you know you're not grieving properly you're spending too much time working you're not giving yourself the time to grieve there's no grieving properly you grieve however you like I think I just need to manage it but also it's a personal thing

1:02:28Davina McCall:yeah it makes me happy I'm seeing people and I'm doing things grief is a really personal thing like everybody grieves differently I think that sometimes is a problem So if a couple have lost a child, you know, when the couple grieve differently, sometimes that can be very difficult for a couple, even though the same thing has happened to them both. It's such a personal thing, grief. Yeah. And that's the other weird thing, right? Because we didn't, he didn't have much family and I haven't got a big family. So when he went, it wasn't like I was grieving in a gang. Right. I did have my mum, obviously, but I still, I still feel a bit like it's just, I'm like a one man band here.

1:03:07Does anyone else miss John? Is it just me missing him? And I think that's why I'm talking about him a lot. He's front and centre of a lot of the things that I do and make decisions about at the minute because I don't want people to forget him because if I don't talk about him, he was going to talk about him. And that would piss me off if people forgot about him. So this is his legacy. It's his legacy in a lot of ways. And he was such a great person.

1:03:31Davina McCall:So I was like, you can't forget him. He's great. And please keep talking about him because I think he's an amazing example for other men. Oh, yeah, you smash him. You know, let's get more Johns in the world. This is the thing. Where are all these Johns? Because I don't see that many people like him that move like him and operate with that full, transparent chill and with no edge. He had no edge, John. What do you mean by that? There was no sharp edges. There was no unexpected turns from him. You knew exactly what you were getting. and he was just really solid and perfect, I would say. That's how I'd describe him.

1:04:14He's a hard act to follow. He is a very hard act to follow. I don't think, I mean, you could say that that's my great love, right? Everyone has a great love, don't they? I'd be more than happy if that's me one and done. Quite happy with that. I'm not complaining.

1:04:30Davina McCall:We've been talking a lot about your mum. We have. and we've got a little something from her for you. Okay, what is it? It's not a bad photo of me, is it? It's not a bad photo of you. Can I just say? She does probably have a few of those. I don't think there are any. Oh, trust me, there's loads. But I just wondered if I give this to you, will you read it out loud? I will. Yeah. And notice the colour of the envelope, please. It's all very on brand for me, isn't it? Yeah, I hope that's... So she's written this? Yep. Flippin' heck, Mum, it's an essay. This is like these podcasts that she sends me on voice notes.

1:05:08OK. My lovely Lorna.

1:05:14I feel so proud and honoured to be your mum. Some one-on said, we are like friends or sisters. I disagreed. Because our bond is as strong as there is. Mum and daughter, I am blessed. Just like we spoke about. I have been privileged to witness so many milestones and achievements in your life. from your numerous brownie badges, your Oscar-winning performance in the school musical. Everyone was stunned at that voice. Passing every piano exam with distinction and top marks and all those other exams. In fact, you leave me breathless at your determination to be successful whilst having fun. This is so cute.

1:05:51When you went to university, your uncle predicted that within a few weeks you'd turn into a grunge with combat boots. I knew better. you saved up and bought a Gucci watch and being the fake tan queen since age 14 you didn't disappoint when virtually all the girls in the halls suddenly turned orange and influenced it in the making for sure it's true I had them all fake tanning I've also been so proud of how you have got through the last few months without John and indeed since his first diagnosis not easy and I honestly don't know if I would have had the same strength to do what you've done in your inimitable way you ensured that you would use every opportunity to create valuable memories and experiences for John, which I know he was so happy about.

1:06:37Near the end, you nursed him through the darkest time. You fought for him in hospital and it seems they wanted to give up. He became the boomerang kid, bouncing back each time because of his desire to stay with you as long as he could until his physical strength gave up. I've learnt so much from your fortitude in navigating an extremely difficult situation and despite your own fear your quiet courage enabled you to continue to focus on actions that could make John's last weeks as comfortable and loving as possible on a personal level as an only child you have always been happy with your own company but I know that you also need to have someone special in your life I really hope and pray that there is a special someone waiting in the wings for you when you are ready to fly again.

1:07:23Lorna, you are beautiful inside and out. Great to be with. Kind, generous, smart and funny. You are a special and unique person. You are my Lorna. Love you, Mum. Flipping heck. That is, yeah. She's just brill, my mum. She is. I feel like she's just narrated our chat. We've talked about some of these things on here. The boomerang kid.

1:07:50Davina McCall:And you know when I said, who's got you? Yeah. Oh, yeah, she has. She's amazing. She's a class act. You need to get her on air. She's got a much more interesting story than me. I'm not sure about that. She's just brilliant. Thank you for this. Can I keep this? Yeah, it's yours. It's a framer. One to be treasured, isn't it? It's a framer. Oh. And a green envelope as well. Laura, I just want to say, I've really, really enjoyed this chat. You are amazing. you are like a brilliant example of somebody that's been through something so traumatic and you are literally beginning again but I can't wait to see your next chapter thank you and just want to say good luck with all of it I really appreciate it I really I loved hearing about John from you I've taken so much comfort from this Natter oh good it's been a really lovely way of talking about him yeah good and you made it safe and yeah good thank you I I appreciate that.

1:08:47I really do. I appreciate you. Can I hug you? Yeah. Stay there. I'm coming. I'm a little bit sweaty. I'm coming over. I'm sweaty too. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

1:08:56Davina McCall:So just in case you missed this episode here, if you love this episode, I know you're going to love that.