Mel Robbins: These 2 Words Will Fix Your Relationships!

31:09Regis for two nights. Now, when you're in debt, that's a free vacation. So I said, yeah, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, yes. And so all of a sudden, I get out there, and this is one of the first ever TEDx conferences. So TEDx was not a thing. I did not know what TED was. I did not TED. They were just starting to do these TEDx conferences and they weren't really doing any kind of training because it wasn't a big thing. And so it hadn't occurred to me, oh, you're going to be on stage in an auditorium. And even though I had been a lawyer, like when you're in a courtroom talking to judges, you know, and like, it's not like giving a speech in front of strangers.

31:50So I get out there and if you've ever seen my TEDx talk, you're looking at a 21 minute long panic attack. Like I've got the bright red rash all over my chest a minute in. I'm darting all over the stage like a scared animal. Can I just say something? Yes. I have seen it. And I didn't, I actually felt like you covered it quite well because I did see you afterwards talk about it. Yes. And say that you were going through a panic attack, but I was like, Oh, my God. Well done, you. Thank you. And I wasn't planning on talking about the five-second rule. Wow. At minute 19, I forgot what I was supposed to say, and I do this thing where I'm like, oh, by the way, there's this thing I do.

32:38Are you serious? I call it the five-second rule. The moment you have an instinct to move, you've got to move within five seconds, or else your brain kills your instinct to act. Thank you very much. and then I went to leave the stage and I turned around and gave out my email address and I left. And I said to Chris, that is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm never giving a speech again. We went home. We went back to our lives and a year goes by. a year goes by and in 2012 TEDx selected two talks from that event and put it online I did not know this that TEDx talk starts to go viral on Facebook and viral's like you know a couple thousand people see it and how do I know this because people start to write to me at that email address and I'm like wait how did you see that thing in San Francisco were you in the audience No, it's on Facebook.

33:43And within about six months, people started to write and ask if I would come talk at small events, you know, like a realtors conference for, you know, whatever. And so I just started saying, okay. Now I had no idea why this thing was working. I didn't know if it was a gift from God. I didn't know if it was a magic trick. I didn't know the science that I know now. I had no idea why it worked the way that it did. And so I decided, because I'm a lawyer, I'm going to dig in and figure out and make evidence and research this and build a case because if people are asking me to talk about this, and then meanwhile, as that video starts to spread online, people are starting to write and go, holy cow, I've used the five-second rule to get sober.

34:30Oh yeah, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You're sober every decision every day. Yeah. 5, 4, 3, 54321, I've tripled my business because it's amazing for forcing myself to make cold calls. 54321, I finished the album that I've been working on for five years because I stopped listening to the excuses and forced myself to take action. And so the stories started to build up. And as the stories built up, I felt more and more responsibility, honestly, to understand why this countdown technique worked. And so I just tracked down some of the world's leading researchers on habits. And the things that I discovered were fantastic.

35:11Basically, when you count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, habit researchers call it metacognition. They also call it a starting ritual. So it's a little mind trick that you can use. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, counting backwards requires you to focus. And that brings this part of your brain online. and the focus interrupts the automatic loops of thinking and the habit of avoiding procrastinating the anxiety that starts you down the what ifs. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 brings this part of the brain online and gives you a moment of control when you are now in charge of what you do next. And so it doesn't work if you count up 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 because you can do that without thinking.

35:585, 4, 3, 2, 1 interrupts. Yes, it's very interesting. And so then, you know, I just, it just took off from there. And so that was the beginning. But what's interesting is, you know, I've been using the five second rule now for my God, what is it? 16, 17 years. I still use it to get it out of bed because here's the thing. If you don't like doing something, you're never going to like doing it. And so I think it's a lie that habits lock in in 21 days. I think it's only true if you like doing that. Yes. And so once I realized, wait a minute, for the rest of my life, there are going to be things that I can achieve if I force myself to do those things before I feel ready.

36:42That's the secret. You cannot listen to your emotions. Motivation is complete garbage. It's not there when you need it. And it's never going to be there when the thing that you need to do is scary or hard or you've never done it before. And that's the mistake so many of us and that I made for the first 40-some years of my life. I was waiting for the feelings to strike first. That's not how you're wired. The action actually reorders everything. And we've all experienced this. You force yourself to go to an exercise class. You feel 100 times better afterwards. You're motivated after you do it. Have you ever noticed that?

37:17Yes. I mean, I always say after I've done exercise, I love exercise. Yes. But after I've done exercise, I always say I want to go for a run. Like I want to go and rawr. Yeah. Like I'm full of energy. But you never have it before. No. And so understanding that in life, if you can figure out what you want, or even just something that you want to make a little better, you're never going to want to do it. Once you know what the thing is, whether it's writing, whether it's looking for a job, whether it's breaking up with the person that you don't, you know, that's not treating you well. But over the years here's the interesting thing Is that you know five four three two one five four three push myself push myself I started to wonder why the hell do I have to push myself so much?

38:01What is the resistance? Like if I know that I should get out of bed if I know that I want to get a different job if I know i'd like to make more money If I know i'd like to be kinder myself Take better care. What exactly is in my way? And i'll tell you what I was shocked to learn that the single biggest thing that is standing in everybody's way is the power that you unknowingly give to other people. Behind every excuse, every moment of anxiety, every everything is a deep fear of what other people are going to think or say or do. And that is the root of it all is this power that we hand over to other people.

38:46I mean, that's why I need 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Yes, it's the resistance but the resistance is coming from being so afraid of where I'm at or what people are thinking and the death spiral of thoughts and have you found getting older it has been has helped you with that because I've found that as I've got older I've cared less and less I don't think so oh really no I'm maybe maybe you're a stronger person than I am but I just I it wasn't until the left there I swear to god yeah I can I can sit here and pretend And because you do have a little bit of a, ah, fuck it, you know, when you get a little bit older.

39:22But I do feel that the let them theory bridged a gap between this truth that we all know, which is you've got to stop giving and caring so much about other people's thoughts and feelings and happiness and action to the detriment of yourself. But I didn't know how to bridge that concept into a day-to-day way of living. I think I slightly misled you there with what I was trying to say because actually I care less what people think about what I'm wearing or, you know, like if I misbehave or I wear socks with shoes or which is seen to be something that people do to be young, like that kind of stuff.

40:13But I think the thing that I found with this, the really big freedom for me, is that I've spent my entire life trying to control everything. Yes. How so? Give me some examples. I'm going to start crying, but I love crying, so don't worry about me. I just do this a lot. But I think it was to feel safe. so I I maybe grew up in an environment um where I didn't feel entirely safe like it was a bit all over the place and um and controlling things or trying to control outcomes or control people or control my children to an extent at the beginning I got better at that as I got older but actually I found when I read your book I had been doing a little bit of this as they got older anyway but but there are a lot of other areas like friendships work you know this is amazing but I think for me it was security but if I was in control of everything nothing could go wrong and then I'll be okay.

41:30And it's absolutely exhausting physically, emotionally. It has a negative effect on your relationships with people, everybody. And I laughed out loud when I read the prom story about your kids because that's happened to me with my kids and them being like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Mom, you're annoying. Yeah. Well, a couple things just to reflect back. You're 1 ,000 % right that this is actually a book about control, power, and relationships. That's what it's about. And peace. And every human being has a hardwired need to be in control. It is what makes us feel safe.

42:20We need to feel like we're in control of our careers, in control of the decisions we're making in control of what's going to happen today, in control of what might happen tomorrow. And the mistake that we make is that when somebody else does something that makes us feel unsettled or worried or frustrated or hurt or upset, or we just don't like it, or we have an opinion, their behavior bumps up against our need to feel in control. And then we make a fatal mistake of crossing the line and trying to control them. And then what happens, though, is every other person has the same need to be in control of themselves.

43:01So when you try to control them, it triggers their need to be in control, which is why there is so much unnecessary friction and frustration and distance and misunderstandings in relationships. because we are, I think as a species, I can speak for myself. I didn't figure this out until I was 54. I thought loving meant controlling. I thought connection meant we're in harmony because you're doing what I want you to do. Right? And I got lucky because I married a guy who's very Zen and somewhat passive, so he just lets all my stuff roll off his back. But the truth is, there was a lot of sort of distance between us emotionally because I was constantly trying to change him.

43:56And when you're trying to change or control somebody, that's not loving them. That's judging them. And it makes people pull away from you, even if they're right in front of you. And so if you've ever had this experience where you feel like you're living in a household with people that you see every day, people use the word roommates, or another word is, but you're both emotionally and mentally sequestered from each other, that you're not connected at all. that is a sign that the control and the judgment and the desire that somebody is changing has created that in both of you and the greatest thing about the let them theory is that once you actually learn how to let people be who they are and let them be who they're not and let people have the dignity of their own experience.

44:58Of course, if you choose to support them through things and with you by their side, but the more you let other people and you learn how to love people as they are, the better your relationships get because you're the one who's teaching yourself how to break that toxic habit of trying to change everyone around you and control everyone around you and you're the one who's now creating this space that comes from acceptance that is what this book is about it's about power it's about peace it's about compassion and radical acceptance in relationships both with self and with other people because it's all you know and one of the things that people get wrong about the let them theories everyone's like so i'm just supposed to let them treat you terribly.

45:49First of all, you already are. So if you're at a point where you're going, well, I'm just supposed to let them disrespect me, just stop and ask yourself. If you're noticing it now because you're saying let them, I guarantee you it's been happening for a long time. Let them is not allowing and excusing anything. Let them is recognizing it. Because when you say let them, you are forcing yourself to recognize that how this person treats you is evidence of who they are and how they feel about you. And your power is not in trying to change or control them. Your power begins the moment you recognize the situation that you're in for exactly as it is and exactly as it isn't.

46:44And most of us, the most challenging people that are in our lives, we're related to them. You know, families are in our lives to teach you how to love people you hate at times. And it's easy to say, just cut people out of your life. But most of us have challenging dynamics with people we deeply care about, whether it's your ex or whether it's a parent or whether it's a child who's now married somebody that you don't like. And you don't want to cut them out. You want to figure out how to change the dynamic so that you can have them in your life. And it was a huge wake-up call for me when I was writing all about, you know, and building the case for the let them theory that I have been wanting people that I'm close to to change my whole life.

47:30They have been the same person my whole life. And some of the world's leading experts on things like narcissism and, you know, child's like all say, one of the things that keeps us trapped in dynamics that are challenging is the hope that the other person changes. Yeah. Right? So true. But when you say let them, you have to force yourself to recognize this is who this person is. If they're narcissistic as a personality style, that's who they've always been. So let them be that way. And then something interesting happens. Let me choose. So what I'm going to do now that I am recognizing this is what it is, let me choose how much time and energy.

48:15This is my favorite thing because I think if people access the let them theory just from online and they don't read… You don't need to buy the book. No, no. We'll tell you everything you need to know. No, but I think they do because I think if you just access it from online and what people are posting, often it is just about the let them side. People love let them, right? And I feel like the let me is the most important bit. Can I also just quickly recommend the audiobook, people? I'm breaking the fourth wall. I'm talking to you. Audiobook is so good. It's so different than that. It's so you. The energy that you bring throughout the entire book is unbelievable because it must be exhausting.

49:02It's not a small book. Yeah, the audiobook's like 12 hours. It's incredible. And there's a lot in the audiobook that's not in that book. Yes. They riff like crazy and it's a different format. Because I was doing a two-pronged attack, listening, reading. And then I'd be like, where's she gone? She's gone. She's riffing. She's riffing. I'm off. Let her. The audiobook is incredible, just to say. Well, so this is really important because everybody loves let them. and you're going to say, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. Anytime somebody pisses you off, hurts you, stresses you out, frustrates you because people are really annoying.

49:38Let them. And you'll then start to feel full of yourself because the outside word's not bothering me anymore. I'm very stoic. You know, I'm basically a Buddhist now that I'm saying let them, you know, I just let them. And then you're going to realize after about three or four weeks of just let them do this and let them do that and let them do the other. And I'm better than anyone, anywhere and fucking and na-na-na-na-na-na. Then you're going to start to go, wait, I don't have any friends. Wait, now that I'm not calling my siblings, they don't call me back. And then you have to sit with yourself and that's where the let me part comes.

50:21Because it's one thing to stop caring about what other people think. I think you should care about what other people think. I think you just have to recognize what you think matters more. And there are going to be times when somebody is disappointed by what you're doing. And when you stop and you understand why, you might actually change your plans because it aligns with your values to change your plans. You just won't be a doormat and a pushover anymore and do it automatically because you're scared people are going to be disappointed. So I think that the thing that happens though, is that once you sit in your superiority and you judge everybody and you feel more peaceful and superior by saying, let them, then you're going to say, wait a minute.

51:05If all I ever do is say, let them, and I'm recognizing that people's behavior is the truth and I'm seeing my friends don't reciprocate and my boss is a jerk and I don't feel like I'm appreciated and my family doesn't reach out. but now I'm really kind of lonely and a little stuck. That's where you have to now start to really embrace the more important part, which is let me. And let me is very simple. There are three things in life you can control. You can control what you think about something. You can control what you do or don't do. And for me, often not doing something is the power move. Don't reply to the email at work.

51:46don't spend 90 minutes typing that stupid email because you're all pissed off about something and it's maybe hitting send yeah let me just take a breath and recognize that it's not worth my time and energy so you can control what you think you can control what you do or don't do and you can control how you respond to the feelings that rise up and fall in you that's it i used to be the kind of person that let my feelings run me over. And I also was the kind of person who was very emotionally immature. I could talk a good game, but I would get myself so stressed out about work that I would come home and just vomit all over Chris and the kids and then be like, I'm sorry, really stressful day at work.

52:28That's not an excuse to take your emotions out on the people that you care the most about. And we all do it. And so the let me part for me has been incredibly helpful in managing my emotions and noticing when I get frustrated or stressed or whatever, and teaching myself how to let emotions and stress rise and fall and not send the text and not send the email and not snap at the kids or quickly apologize if I use a tone of voice that I didn't mean to use. and clean that up. And so it's been wildly effective. And in your relationships, this is the best part of the theory. You know, I wrote this book, you and I have daughters that are largely the same age.

53:16And I wrote this book with our oldest daughter, Sawyer. I really want to talk to you a bit about that as well. So finish what you're saying, but I'd love to talk to you about your experience of... Oh my God, we were going to kill each other. Like it was the absolute, like, this theory works because we had to use it probably 37 times a day with each other. We are the exact opposite. Our daughter has worked for a cybersecurity firm in like strict, like data marketing. She is an Excel sheet on legs. That's what she is. I am a just crazy lunatic. Like I always use this descriptor that my brain, imagine filling a cardboard box with mice and tipping it over a restaurant.

54:04That's what my brain is like. So yes, imagine she never wanted to work for me ever. This was her worst nightmare. And you know, it's a long story, but like a lot of 20 somethings, she had an early career. Then she went backpacking, came home broke and I'm like I got a project and she was broke and so I looped her into starting to do some research on this and then she's the one that came up with let me wow uh-huh because when I first discovered this and I started sharing it I you know in my own life and the power of those two words, let them, that's all I was talking about. And when Sawyer, you know, came on and needed some money, I'm like, look, I just wrote the first draft of this book and it sucks.

54:56Because I thought this book, honestly, I thought the theory was like this thin, you know, it's not that hard, let them, right? What more could, this is modern stoicism. How, how, I thought this was like a book that was going to be like a book that you would buy to put in a bathroom, you know, that's like maybe 30 pages and you just kind of read it like a graduation speech. Yes. That's how I thought how simple this was. But the more we dug into it and as I wrote the book, it's like, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. Oh, by the way, the book's not about other people.

55:26It's about you. Goodbye. It was terrible. And so I'm at this point where I've turned in the manuscript. I think the book is terrible. She's home. She's broke. This would have been like a year and five months ago, January of 2024. And I said, hey, here's what I want you to do. I did a podcast episode about this. Go to the comments on the YouTube episode and go to the inbox. And I want you to do some analysis and tell us what are people saying? Forget about why they like it. We all know why they like it because it makes them feel better than other people. It makes them like, you know, rise above all this shit and not be so stressed out.

56:03why do they not like it? Where's the pain point? Where is it not working? I thought she would take four weeks. She came back two days later with like a 37 page Excel tab spreadsheet thing with all this links. And she's like, you can't write the book. I said, what do you mean? I can't write this book. I, of course I have to write this book. Are you kidding? I've been sharing. There are articles being written about this thing, like that I'm not even right. Therapists are using. she's like mom people are lonely people are realizing they're in relationships with people that are toxic that they're being disrespected at work people are seeing how their family treats them like you can't put something out in the world that makes people with them a problem yes yeah wow and so she's like there has to be a second part and i was like what's the second part and And so then we started talking about how you have to teach them what to do.

56:58Yeah. Once you stop giving all this power to other people, mom, what they say, what they do, what they think and let them, how do I take it back? And that's where Let Me was born. And so I'm like, now you're really stuck because now you got to write this with me. And so we literally live together. We work together. We wrote 10 drafts of this book in about 11 months. That's 3 ,300 pages. we would literally let them let them and then and then I'd get pissed off because she'd want to work out and I'm like I can't I'm a creator and I'd leave and then she'd be upstairs going let her let her let her and I'd be downstairs going let her let her you know I can't do this if you're in this mood because you know how you get with your kids where they're in a bad mood and then you're like why are you in a bad mood and then she's like I'm not a bad and then next thing you're like that was us writing this book and by 11 o 'clock at night every night we would be above the garage typing something up and we'd look at each other and go, this is so good.

57:54And what was great about it is because she's in her twenties and I'm in my fifties, we argued over every word. We argued over every story. And it was almost like you got to be careful when you write a book about control because the universe hands you non-stop situations that make you use the thing you're working you get on a plane somebody's kicking your seat you go to the dog park somebody is letting their dog poop everywhere and they're not picking it up like you just like see wait wait mel yes i sorry i i would never normally interrupt you but dog in the dog park with the poop not picking it up, please tell me what you do.

58:38It depends on the day. It depends on the day. There are lots of days where I pick it up. There are lots of days where I chase down the owner. Okay. I'll tell you what, I wanted to pick up that poop and smear it all over her car. So there's a story that you're talking about in the book, but people will do things all the time. I mean, every single day when you look at the headlines, there's a reason to be upset. But the question you have to always ask yourself is where's the power? Is the power in managing the other person? And some days you will want to go confront somebody. You will want to speak up about something because it matters enough to you and you have the time and energy.

59:16And then there are going to be times where you go, now is not the time. I am going to let me conserve my energy because I need it to fight the bigger battles. And so one of the interesting things about this is as we were writing the section on love, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her. She comes sobbing. This is when she thought she was going to marry. She literally was like, what am I supposed to do? Just let him leave? Let him sleep with other people? Let him break my heart? I hate this theory. And so we wrote the entire section about the breakup as she was going through it in real time.

59:54And what's interesting about that as a parent or a friend is that when you've been with somebody that's going through a horrible divorce or they're going through a terrible breakup, all you want to do is take their pain away. And I had to use the theory to let her grieve, to let her be in a depressive state, to let her have her process. And all I wanted to do was be texting his mother and trying to get them back together. And, you know, I didn't want to have to, like, I didn't want to delete the photos on the digital frame. I was just like pausing them because I'm holding out. Like, I wanted to reassure her, but that actually communicates that you're not strong enough to get through this.

1:00:44And one of the biggest lessons as a parent that this book has taught me is that your kids are so much stronger than you realize. And your job is to let them learn from life while you've got your arm around their shoulder saying, I am here when you need me. And I believe in your ability to move through this. Because the truth is, if somebody breaks up with you or you're going through a really challenging divorce, it's a mentally healthy response to be in a depressive state. Yes, of course. Yeah. But we're so uncomfortable watching somebody go through that, that we want to take that from them when they are fully capable of moving through it with your support.

1:01:37I would love to talk to you because we've just talked about Soya and her helping you on this book but I feel like there's another whole book that could come from um children but up to kind of teenagers you know then then they need to be independent and be their own people and they can read that but that that this idea how can you how can parents help small children using the let them theory so the main thing that you can use the let them theory for with small children and one thing I just want to say is this is a book about adult relationships. And Dr. Stuart Ablon is one of the 57 world-renowned experts that are cited and were interviewed for this book.

1:02:18And there is a download written by him. He's a Harvard Medical School professor. He is the founder of Think Kids, which is this 30-year-long program at Mass General Brigham, the number one research hospital in the world in Boston. He's a child psychologist. And basically, with little kids, the best thing that you could use the let them theory for is to restrain yourself from trying to fix your children's emotions and let them have the feelings that they have and validate those feelings. And And then as a parent, when you get frustrated or pissed off and you're stressed out, that you learn how to use the let them theory to let your emotions rise and fall and not take them out on your children.

1:03:10If you can become a more stable and safe, and I'm talking emotional tone person, that is one of the best things that you can do for your kids. I was not that as a young parent. And, you know, it's very hard to be because learning how to understand your emotions and learning how to let them rise and fall and process them as a healthy adult is a skill. And if you weren't taught it and you don't want to learn it, then you don't have it. And so that's one way. But there's a huge guideline in the back that you can download for free that was written by Dr. Stuart Ablon for this particular reason. One of the things I love that you said about your kids is that about always giving them a safe space to be honest, no matter what that truth is.

1:04:04That's a hard one. Because when you say to your kids, you can tell me anything, and they come to you and tell you something, and you're like, what? Like, just, why are you so stupid? You just proved you're not a safe person to be with. So it's like a lot of facial management when that happens. And I'm not sitting here as a parenting expert saying I got it right. Like a lot of the things that I lean into are noticing where I got things wrong and trying to understand where did I go wrong. And a lot of the things that I share, just like you would share, you know, if you and I were in a walk and we're talking as friends, there's stuff I would be sharing about something I'm going through with my daughter, seeking your help as a friend, because you maybe went through it with your daughter.

1:04:55And so I feel like everything that I am sharing is through the lens of my own experience, or in an attempt to try to make sense of all the incredible research and scientific information and therapeutic advice, so that it is digestible and applicable. but also I think the way that you explain it and I particularly find that well with all of your talks and the book or anything that I've accessed with you in it is that as a lay person I get it it's like you speak my language and that is so unbelievably helpful there is one more area that I would really like to touch on because it's something that's massively yes um affecting um well there's two actually but maybe we can do two two quick ones two quick ones so um the one one of them that affects me in a big way and has sort of all my life is that I'm in kind of fight or flight 24 7 okay and I used to see it as a massive benefit like great I've got um kind of something extra on other people like I want to work longer I um I can handle stress I could just go and go and go.

1:06:12I'm like a sort of just a like a machine. Yeah, but actually I have realized that I am operating in just a high state of stress kind of 24-7. I don't want to do that anymore. I know it's not good for my health. Yes. I would like to stop. How can I use the let them theory for that? Excellent question.

1:06:36The let them theory is a phenomenal tool to teach yourself how to stop allowing the outside world to rev your engine. So I think a lot because I can relate to what you just said, and I think most women can. Most of us can relate to this idea that you have an experience of going through life and that you're on edge. You're waiting for the next shoe to drop. You're waiting for the phone call from the kids. You always sleep with your phone in case somebody needs you. You've got parents you're taking care of. You've got kids that need you. You've got the ready. And that is conditioned from your childhood.

1:07:27It's conditioned from society. It's conditioned from feeling the burden of being responsible for everything. And so one of the ways that the let them theory is going to start to help you with that is number one, when you notice that you go on edge or you start to feel the thoughts spin, or you thought you feel it right here, just say to yourself take a deep breath just be like let them and you'll notice when you say let them that all of a sudden something comes to mind something that you were worried about and it's almost always other people might be people that you are responsible for in terms of your family might be something going sideways at work might be something going on where you're waiting for a diagnosis from a bunch of tests for yourself or for a parent.

1:08:21But as soon as you feel that stress and that engine rev up, just take a deep breath and say, let them. And you'll immediately notice what the thing was that you've been worrying about. And so that cue of saying, let them, anytime you're on edge or stressed, creates an awareness for when it's happening. Because I think one of the things that none of us realize is how we are going through life with the engine revved. And it's not until you go on vacation for seven days and then it's the last day where you feel finally like, oh, I can exhale and read my book and now I got to go back because your nervous system has adjusted to a calmer pace.

1:09:05And so saying let them, anytime you feel stressed or on edge starts to create this awareness for how often it happens. And then don't be alarmed when you start saying, let them 30 times a day. Because the default has probably always been to be on edge. What if this? What if that? What if this person thinks that? What if they're pissed off? Oh my God, am I in trouble? What about that text? They haven't texted back.

1:09:32Let them. and the awareness piece is super important because if you don't know it's happening you can't change it and so that's step one and then i would just do that for a couple weeks i wouldn't even i would not even do the let me part because i think that just recognizing how often you go there is critical because what I'm trying to teach you is how to separate yourself and create just a little bit of space. I should probably just a little bit of space between you and the outside world. And here's, here's a simple, um, here's a simple, uh, assignment. The next time you're at work or you're going through your day and you realize you haven't had lunch or you haven't gone to the bathroom in an hour or you haven't had any water and you tell yourself, no, no, no, it's too busy.

1:10:36I don't have time. And I want you to say, let them. And then I want you to take a five minute break and actually eat something or go to the bathroom or have a cup of water. And this comes from an expert who was on our podcast about boundaries, and I know her first name, it's Dr. Pooja. I can't remember her last name. But this is the assignment she gives all of her patients because none of us know how to create a boundary between the outside world and all the demands on us and our internal needs. And so let them is the first step and then take care of yourself for five minutes. And you're going to be like, but I can't, but I got to do this.

1:11:19And you'll see how everybody else comes before you. And so you're using the theory to separate yourself from the obligation, the caregiving, the constant going and training yourself to tolerate five lousy minutes of just peace for a second. That's it. That's it. And then after you start to recognize how often you default there, then you can start practicing, let me, let me take a deep breath. Let me calm myself down. Let me tell myself that right now I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm okay. It's okay for me to take a walk around the block. It's okay for me not to respond to that thing. And so I would start there with the let them part, just to teach yourself that because here's what I found I used to be just like that and this theory and saying let them and then let me has completely rewired my resting state I can see that like I can visibly see you are chilled that you're not that person no um as interesting that it says there's a physical oh it's physiological yeah yeah it's energetic and here's what's interesting like i realize now when you're like this and you're gripping the wheel and you pull up to the stoplight of life yeah and the engine's revving it's like you're driving a 1970s volkswagen beetle or fiat or something little you know and it's like oh and they're driving it's like that when you're resting like you can now pull up in whatever car you want yeah and it just chill at the light yeah and then you step on the gas and got like it just is powerful to know that you're unaffected or you can easily settle yourself when life happens because this doesn't turn you into a robot.

1:13:19People are going to piss you off. You're going to sound off about things. You're going to be hurt by, you know, lies that people say about you. And then you're going to remind yourself, well, let them. I can't control it. And I know the truth. So let me remind myself that I know the truth about myself. So I got to double down on that, even though it bothers me that people think that. And I'm going to finish with this. I'm at a time in my life where talking to girlfriends, male friends that we are all looking at our friendships in quite an interesting way because it's like this idea of living a life that you love and a life that you on your deathbed will be happy to say god I've lived a life I'm ready to go friends are so important in that because they bring quality love laughter meaning to your life and I have so many friends who are going through a kind of shift in changing friendships and saying, actually, I want to be more friendly with that person.

1:14:21How can you navigate that part of your life and these kind of shifting friendships? How does that work? It's a great question. Everybody's going through it. And one of the cool things that came up in the research is that adult friendship is very hard because we don't understand friendship. And so I have this theory that I call the great scattering, which is when you hit your 20s like we're all conditioned to believe that friendship should be easy and we're all conditioned to believe that you're friends with the people you see the most and that if you don't feel connected to somebody oh well we're no longer friends and what researching this book taught me is something completely life-changing because whether you're feeling that based on your friend group now that you're growing distant with some people.

1:15:09You want to be more connected to other people, which by the way is 1000 % normal and important and a really good sign of a healthy life. Or you're like I am. And at the age of 50, you up and move from where you raised your kids for 26 years and you move somewhere that you want to move, but you forget, oh wait, I'm actually starting over. I got to begin again. I got to like meet new friends at the age of 50. I got to create a new, what? I'm doing this again. And this is going to happen over and over and over again. And so here's what everybody needs to know. First of all, you got to let people come in and out of your life.

1:15:51Yes. Because friendship as an adult has to be flexible. And the three things that I write about in the let them theory is that there's three conditions or pillars of friendship, I call them. These are the three factors that make friendship possible with anyone. Number one, you have to have proximity. Oh, I'm going to help you here. You're going to love this. Oh, I love this. Okay, great. You got to have proximity. Proximity just means we're close. And when you were little, you were close to people your age all the time. That's why it was easy to make friends. People are going to come and go in your life all the time.

1:16:25And so proximity, how often you see somebody is very, very, very important. And from the age of 20 to 60, you see the people you work with more than you see your friends and family combined. The second factor is timing. Oh my God, I love this. You have this. This is incredible. Timing. Timing is what phase of life are you in, right? Like, are you getting married? So now you're not in the same timing of life as all your single friends? Or children. Or children. You have children, and so you're not in the same. Or are you like good friends with people at work, but the people at work are in their 60s and you're in your 20s.

1:17:05And so you love them, but this is why you don't hang out on the weekends. And so the third one is energy. And you know what energy is about, though? What? Energy is about what you're interested in. Yes. So here's the thing to understand. if friendships start to fade before you literally say to yourself oh my friendship's ending what's going on before you make it personal now and forever ask yourself has anything changed in terms of how much i see them proximity has anything changed about the timing of life that we're in because we're not the same timing of life we're not going to feel as close has anything shifted about my energy or their energy and what you're interested i'm sure when you got sober the energy shifted a lot with a lot of people that used to hang out with because your energy was going towards something.

1:17:55This is so normal. People are supposed to come in and out of your life because everybody is supposed to be in different timings of their life. They're supposed to be into different things. They're supposed to be moving around. And so when you understand these three pillars of proximity, timing, and energy, you can understand that people are supposed to come and go. Let them. And then let me be responsible for making the effort to stay connected to people who are not living near me anymore, but I'm still in the same timing and energy. Let me stay connected to people, even though they might not be in the same time of life.

1:18:33And let me not punish them because I don't see them as much. I don't need to have a story that we're not friends. It's just stupid. I really like when you talk about in the book about approaching people or reaching out to people first. Yes. You know, that sometimes, I mean, I would imagine sometimes as Mel Robbins, it might be a bit difficult or you might feel a bit self-conscious, but it's like, I've still got to do it. I want to reach out. I want to forge a friendship with you. I've got to make the effort. Yes. And we've all got to do that. Yes. And And actually being friends with someone takes effort.

1:19:10Yes. And I love that. You got to go first. So let them come and go. Let me make the effort. Yeah. Mel, I have just loved talking to you so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming on Begin Again. You are the queen of beginning again. You've done it again and again. This has been so inspiring. Well, I'm just getting started. today i feel like we're all going to keep doing it because you get to decide what this next year of your life is going to be about yes and every time you make a decision about what you want to feel better about you begin again okay thank you