Peter Crone: How to Free Your Mind and Finally Feel Enough

35:37but I would still say for a kid who's at a dining table asked to leave without any kind of interaction or told to go to the room it's a form of abuse they're not being hit you know but in the absence of love there's abuse so really there was a form of you know your own self-abuse through the judgment rightly so that was still in you which is a dis-ease the absence of ease that he just helped through love and connection and commitment to you and I hope people really get you know through you as an inspiration and again I'm of course not saying that we should welcome the people that have been literally abusive in our lives back in no you know there's abhorrent things that happen out there you know you don't want to have those people around for Christmas but nonetheless we want to best we can to expand our own capacity to love to incorporate and at least understand why or who they are and for some reason maybe in ways we don't comprehend, they're a part of our life.

36:32And for that reason, teachers, you know, I'm not particularly religious, but I pull tenants from different religions. And, you know, I'm always reminded of when Jesus said, forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do. I mean, here's a guy being nailed to a cross, and he still comes from love. I mean, I don't have that strength. You know, I'd be fighting like hell to get out of there. But, you know, I'd like to at least try and embody Christ consciousness in my work to go to your question of like, what do I do? I think what Michael did for you as a partner obviously a much more appropriate container for that but I feel I bring that to strangers you know that I don't judge them I love them I let them be who they are and that might be for a lot of people the first time they've ever felt that yes it looks like that sometimes yeah as a viewer yeah and so for me it's a gift to know that I'm able to afford someone perhaps the first glimpse of self-acceptance it's okay it's okay whatever you feel about yourself, whatever you went through.

37:27And a lot of the stories I hear are very tragic. They're hard for people to hear when there's sexual abuse, especially for women and stuff, and they've been through it. But nonetheless, that's what I'm doing, first of all, is having unconditional love as a space, as a container. So somebody feels safe enough to express. That's more the maternal, you know, I think the feminine represents unconditionality. And then I'll come in at the appropriate time with the masculine form of love, which is more analytical. So you could say feminine is more unconditional, gushy, nurturing love. Masculine is more like tough love, but it's love, right?

38:04I'm a stand for your excellence. I'm a stand for you being responsible and being powerful. So I hold the space, gives people the opportunity to feel unjudged and that they're okay to be them and to share. And then I will help through whatever they share, them to understand why they look at life that way. Where did that start? Where did you think that you're not wanted? Who was the sibling in your family that was the rebel or the outspoken one that made you think you had to be the good girl not to add extra onus on your parents? Who within your neighborhood was the one that was the perfect child and you felt less than because of that?

38:41So I'm then able to hear in the way they tell their story, like my live event last week, lovely girl from Poland got on the stage 26 adorable and she's all excited to run up and she's you know i said so what can i help you with and said i just it's really hard for me to get work is how she started nothing crazy about that but i immediately get her world right i immediately hear how much she see herself there's some lack of self-worth um the fact that she's from poland immediately points to as a generalization maybe a family of poverty so she's not used to what abundance looks like so energetically she's not going to attract it.

39:18And so my way of then questioning is to get to some of these deeper, you know, stories that she's simulated. So of course, she gets to my mom was, you know, quite hard on us and would make us work and say that we wouldn't necessarily amount to anything. And I got jobs that were really labor intensive. And so she said, yes, now as a woman, as a as a professional, I tend to for some reason attract labor intensive jobs, you know, because that was the environment she was accustomed to. Grew up in poverty, all of the things. And so to undo all of that and help her see that's no longer a truth today.

39:54That might have been your history, but what does that have to do with today? Nothing. Other than the degree, I said, you're speaking in front of 500 plus people and you just told all of us it's hard to get work. That's a reflection of your history, not your future. And I'm going to change that. At the end of the conversation, She was so giddy. She was like, I can feel how many opportunities are coming my way right now. Wait, but what did you say? To help her see the lies that she's living in, that she's not safe was one of them. So again, if you're not safe, you play small. That there was a feeling about her that it was all up to her, that she had to do everything.

40:29There's no contribution from the outside world. God forbid there's any sort of good fortune that is unexpected. and this feeling that fundamentally being her wasn't enough you know and so i investigate all of these stories and help people see fundamentally they're not true it's all made up like where are you going to find not good enough in you tuck behind your kidneys you know it's like it's a story so when people really get it and unfortunately the older get the more evidence we have you know it's like well you know it just feels more truthful but it's not it's a story and so that's what I help you know as I say I don't solve problems I dissolve them and what I'm doing is dissolving that was a moment love that yes feel free to use it problems I dissolve them yes so every problem everybody has is just an extension of the constraints that they're still stuck in that they're oblivious to and then they're trying to solve problems not realizing that's perpetuating the very underlying narrative that is from your childhood so then that's why you know if you comment earlier you realize wait i'm the consistent theme in all of my words right funny notice wherever you go there you are i always thought that was quite funny in um in um in the anonymous fellowships and i i shouldn't talk about it too much because the whole point is is that it's anonymous and it deserves respect but there was a there's a brilliant kind of slang saying in the anonymous fellowships like AA and Alcoholics where people talk about people doing a geographical.

42:01Okay. And a geographical is always quite funny because you move countries literally to get away from the problem of drinking or drugs. Yeah. And you get to this new country and you're like, I've done it. I've escaped the problem. Yes. And then you start again. You go, God damn it, the problem's here as well. Or you go and do another geographical to another city. And you go, no, I'm drinking again. And then it's like, oh, it's me. I'm the one that's got to change. Not the country, not the friends, not the wife or the husband or the education or whatever. It's me. Yes. It's your story, the identity.

42:43I remember years ago I was in America and somebody wanted me to, you know, maybe do a show, a TV show. and that's still in the works now, reborn because of what's going on for me, which is fun. But it was a producer from The Biggest Loser. Oh, yeah. You know, I was curious because I look at the things psychologically and emotionally. And I said, you know, how what are the percentages of your attendees, contestants, whatever you call them, going back to where they started? And she said, honestly, it's embarrassingly high. It's probably over 90 percent. Might take a few years. And I said, yeah, that's because they haven't changed their identity.

43:17and change their story about themselves. You put them in, lock them in this container with trainers and lack of food and all sorts of pressure to perform. But when they go back to the comfort of their own home, they're still living in their own story of inadequacy. So for me, that is, that's the only access to true freedom is that until you change what's going on inside and the way that you relate to yourself, everything else is sort of just ways that you placate yourself or try to numb your, you know, I love the geographical, call, but you're trying to escape from the very story of yourself. I remember when I first started my group many years ago, I was speaking in a very small yoga studio, and all of about 12, 13 people showed up, half of whom probably thought there was a yoga class and disappointed, who's this clown?

44:02But anyway, they gracefully stayed. But this woman came up at the end, and I could tell there was a little bit of chemistry, and you know, I'm the teacher, it's that old stereotype, right? Oh, who's this guy? So she came with her conditioning of being the good girl and impressing and telling me she was going to India, you know, next week or something. And I'm like, oh, OK, well, good luck with that. And she said, well, what do you mean? I said, well, you're going to be there. Didn't go down too well, but she got the point. I said, no, go. You'll get way more air miles than if you stay at home.

44:31But the happiness is still available here, right? Yes. But geography, again, I don't want to. Sorry, that's quite an interesting idea because so many people do go abroad to these places and retreats and stuff. But actually, you can find recovery or self-improvement anyway. You just got to hook in with the right people. Yes. And environment can be inspirational. Nature. Like, you know, I love to travel. I've obviously taken a little bit of a hiatus because I'm working on my things and people kindly come to me now. But I've been in all sorts of places around the world that have in their own way informed and inspired me to see things differently.

45:09So no knock on travel. I think, you know, it's one of the greatest forms of education and to be able to go to different places if time and money affords it can be the catalyst for epiphanies. But ultimately, the real spiritual work of waking up to your true essence, yes, can be found around the corner or in the comfort of your own kitchen. especially if you have someone good to talk to who can really hold space from yes that kind of loving unconditional acceptance of you and it's okay i can understand that you feel like you're a loser because of what it transpired i can understand why you think you never get married because they're not truths but i can have compassion and then i often um i was on a show and they said if there was a journal and you were to put a question in the journal for everybody to answer what would it be one question and i said who could you be in the absence of your concerns and it's an invitation okay that's amazing i'm just going to enjoy that for a second who could you be in the absence of your concerns if you had no concerns no worries whether they'd be about yourself or your circumstances what becomes available and for most people a similar reaction it's sort of in the realm of oh well first of all i feel just so at peace i feel light i feel free well do you see that is available yes it's there beneath the surface your circumstances didn't change so that's the first pointer to maybe it's not out there and could you perhaps not easily carry that sense of freedom and ease with you no matter what's happening because if we're talking about beginning again yeah you know if somebody's out there and they're thinking i'm a bit stuck and I don't want to be here.

46:54I kind of sometimes see it a little bit like a living bucket list because my sister had a bucket list and she died seven weeks later and I thought, why did we wait until now? We lived together on and off for all our lives. Why were we waiting until now to do this bucket list together? Do it now. So beginning again is a little bit about that, like do the stuff you want to do now, like what are you waiting for, but how do you do it? So what holds people back? Reasons. People are very reasonable. Yeah. And that's the superficial level. Obviously, there's deeper levels of fear, really. As I said, you know, I delineate these two worlds.

47:40It's what my book's about. We live in a current operating system that to me is dysfunctional. What it is to be human now is based in some sort of limitations in the subconscious that give rise to the overarching sense of fear, as we said, which then gives, you know, the general feeling of suffering. Whatever suffering is a blanket statement for woe, which then creates disease and that manifests in your body's disease and in relationship dysfunction in the world of material, you know, finances and career, some sense of scarcity and lack. That's the system we have. And then you just go out there and you fight and you try and overcome it and you do the best you can.

48:16You hit your head against the wall, go home, sleep and do it again. And for me, what I'm revealing is the world that's actually available beneath that. In the absence of limitation, you experience freedom. When you're in a state of freedom, instead of living from fear, you tap into love. Instead of coming from fear and then suffering, you go into love and a sense of joy. You don't see worst case scenarios. You see pure possibility. I've often said the uncertain world, which is the future, to the ego creates fear. But uncertainty to the soul is pure possibility. Yes. Two very different worlds. Do that, doesn't it?

48:51It's the same arena. Yes, but completely different. Based on perspective. And that's why I said you're not victims of circumstance. You're victims of your own perspective. We don't look through our eyes. We look through our view of the world. Yeah. And that's what's confining people. So that's what stops people because that view has them believe, not as a truth, that things aren't possible or they can't or they shouldn't. I can't. Oh, I could never do that. You know, one of the things I love, it's a tiny thing. But when a woman says to me, I've decided, Peter, that I am going to grow old disgracefully.

49:29I think it's one of the massive benefits of getting older. I've noticed it with Miriam Margulies. she F's and like F's and blinds like I've never seen she talks about the reason she's literally so brilliant to be in her presence like when she's doing an interview or something like that because no shits are given like she literally says or does whatever she wants so I was like I want to dress inappropriately generally for a woman my age I mean you've got quite a conservative version of me today sorry about that I'm sorry about that don't worry we'll meet again and I will wear something amazing.

50:08You get it. Totally inappropriate. But I, I sometimes a woman will say to me, Oh, I love what you're wearing. Yeah. You know, and then they'll say, I could never wear that. And I'm like, says who? Yeah. What? Or like, you are literally creating, like no one is saying that except for you. And I tell you what is so funny when you do wear the thing. So I remember in my parenting, like, phase, I was like, I'm never wearing a miniskirt again. Yeah. I'm never wearing short shorts again. I would never wear, God forbid, a miniskirt and a heel at the same time. Oh, gosh, it's just atrocious. Oh, my God, slut.

50:51I would never, you know, ankle socks and loafers, never do that. Like, it's like trying to be a little, I don't give, I literally don't give to who's. I will wear whatever I want, whenever I want. and the first time I started doing that, I was like, I've never felt so alive. It's so funny getting the tube. I remember getting the tube in a sort of kind of like an ice skating dress and white ankle socks and loafers. It was literally getting this like up and down, up and down. It was like, yeah, you feast your eyes on this mutton. You're welcome. on this mutton and proud, you know, because there's something, number one, being naughty.

51:37Yeah, fun. My mum. Absolutely, yeah. That I enjoy. I quite enjoy annoying people. Like there's something. Yeah. But I also love when somebody goes, oh, my God, I want to be, and I go, do it. Do it, yeah. Like fucking just wear the thing. I love it. The colour, the dress, the hair, the lipstick, be seen. Yes. And I love that, like, aspect of freedom. You're talking about freedom. That's all the weather keeps coming to mind as you speak. Yeah. You're just being free. Yeah, it's such a nice thing, that. And it's underneath the illusion, which you obviously transcended so beautifully, is that people will say, I'm worried what other people will think about me.

52:25But I only transcended that. again i keep talking about being in my 50s yeah yeah i dreaded being in my 50s yeah but this will help to reinforce it not that you need any support you're obviously doing great but nobody's worried what other people think about them they're worried what they think yeah other people think about yeah which is still you with you so you get over that like who gives a crap they're not worried they're not thinking about me they're thinking about themselves and what i think about them which is still then with them you know you can walk outside and go on the street and say points to strangers thanks for looking great for me today yes and they're like i don't even know you no but you spent time in the mirror you checked it thanks for making an effort no but peter i actually do that i actually go up to strangers sometimes on my own with no camera crew and not for social media or anything and just go you look great i'm i really appreciate that thank you thanks i will say that today yeah well because i often think that when you do put in an effort and someone enjoys or appreciates it it's nice to tell them no of course no that's a beautiful eye condition i'm being obviously a little flippant with my version you know i love and if someone ever says anything nice about the way i look i love it i'm like god thanks you've made my day that's mega it's a compliment even if it's not yeah because somebody's taking energy out of their time and their day to like say something so even if it comes across as a criticism if it could be triggering then that's definitely a gift something for you to look at where you're not okay with you because oh my gosh wait so a criticism if you're triggered by it is an opportunity for learning it's still a gift it's still a gift either way it's life showing you don't make it about the person your boss your spouse your mom it's life just showed you where you're not okay with something what a gift because that's the access to more freedom right versus i'm not i'm not gonna avoid invite them to my birthday party you know whatever so no that's where life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free that's what life is doing so next time yes i get like a negative comment yeah and it triggers something in me i'm gonna say thank you yeah Thank you, because you clearly revealed something that I'm still not okay with.

54:44Yeah, thank you. And my commitment is to freedom. Wow, love that. Yeah, powerful. Yeah.

54:52Thanks for watching the episode with Peter. At the end, I slightly hijacked him because I needed some help with an issue. And I thought if anybody would be able to sort it, it would be him. because after my operation, I had a problem in that I just couldn't stop crying. It was here all the time. And it was that I'd experienced some kind of trauma at that time. And it wasn't just when I was talking about the operation. It was like five times a day. I would cry, but it would be inappropriate crying. It would frighten people. It was that. But not only that, it was frightening me and it was exhausting and it was affecting my life.

55:42And I wanted to move on. It had been 10 months since the operation and I just needed to move on. But I normally can fix all of this stuff myself. I'm really good at appraising what's wrong with me and then sorting it. But I couldn't sort this. And so he helped me. The reason why I'm telling you all of this is because it's quite a tough watch. Ironically, I'm wearing a jumper that says never too much. But even this for me was a lot to watch. But he shows me something that is such a mic drop moment. I kind of collapse for a moment and cry and laugh and cry and laugh because I'm so overjoyed at the fact that I get it and I get what happened to me and it's gone.

56:35And it's really gone. Like I haven't cried traumatically since then. He's properly healed me. And I kind of wanted to show you the whites of my eyes to show you that I'm okay. I'm not just okay. I'm a gazillion times better. And I want you to know as well that this chat that we had was before I had breast cancer, before I had my breast cancer diagnosis. So none of that is wrapped up in my emotion. It was just a really big hangover from my life, from my childhood. And I feel amazing. So mad. So anyway, I hope it's not too triggering for people. And I hope you get something from it or it might help you in some way.

57:28But it's certainly been transformational for me. Peter, before we end. Yes. So sad to even contemplate. Yeah, don't worry. It's not happening for a bit. Can I ask you to help me with something? Of course. You need to move furniture? No, it's in my head. Okay. And my heart. Yes. And I'm going to start crying because it's here every time I start talking about it. That's okay. I'm here for it. And I'm really grateful that you wanted to bring it up. I want to take advantage of you. Yeah, please. Use and abuse me. I'm here for it. Let's go. What do you got? What are the skeletons that are about to be exposed?

58:13New. Okay. So when I had my, I had an operation last November. and I had a health check gifted to me in August 2024 and I didn't really want it because I'm health lady I'm Davina the exercise girl, 15 workout DVDs to my name I eat well but they found a brain tumour it was a benign brain tumour and I spent many months well at first I heard the word benign and I thought well I'm fine I don't need to worry about that. And then four months later, they said, we think you should do a follow-up. And I found out it was quite a rare thing. It was called a colloid cyst. It was in the middle of my brain.

58:56Yeah. And it was big. And if it grew any more, it could give me hydrocephalus and I would go into a coma and die if it wasn't taken out. Okay. And I said, yeah, but how, like, how quick would that happen? And they said, look, if you were on a long-haul flight, do you take long-haul flights? And I was like, yes, I'd go to Australia to go and see my daughter. and they said well it would be emergency landing operation in wherever whatever country you were in yeah i was thinking i think i need to get the taken out yeah like um before that happens i don't want it in there anymore and i got a couple of other opinions and i spoke to three neurosurgeons two who potentially were going to operate on me and one as a i'm paying you to have an opinion you will never operate on me what do i do and they said definitely get it taken out um it's big i'm amazed you're not symptomatic now yeah you need to do this so that was last april okay and then i was like okay i need to get it taken out and last november on november the 15th so nearly a year ago um it was removed by a brilliant brain surgeon called kevin o 'neill and he saved my life and I came to and what happens when the colloid cyst is in the third ventricle so it's in the area of memory okay so I woke up with no short-term memory at all I was in a minute loop okay like Dory yeah and I that was very very difficult on me and Michael particularly Lily I think um but okay

1:00:47okay this is beautiful I appreciate you sharing Michael said Michael said to me if we ever lose each other again just stay where you I'll come find you but I felt so lonely yeah yeah and what's happened since the operation

1:01:19is that I can't stop I mean I'm crying about it because I'm talking about it so this makes sense to me that I'm crying because I'm telling you but if I talk about anything like four or five times a day and I love crying yeah but I feel like it's traumatic crying and I want to let go I want to stop it's okay well you're in a safe space and this is the right time to have this conversation Oh my goodness, it's okay. It's okay. No, no, nothing to apologize about. This is beautiful. It's okay. Take a towel. Take a towel. It's okay. Just breathe. Just breathe. It's okay.

1:02:15It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Nothing wrong at all.

1:02:32Sorry. It's okay.

1:02:38Sorry. We're good. Okay. You got a strong grip by the way. Training work. It's okay. It's beautiful.

1:02:52just take a couple of breaths

1:02:57a bit like an exorcism isn't it yeah well i haven't done that for a while that big yeah yeah what would you say in everything that you shared which i tracked what would you say is the thing that felt the most impactful is it when you said that you just feel so alone that felt like that was, yeah. Yeah. How often do you remember feeling that when you were young, especially with a mum like that?

1:03:28Yeah. It's okay. Just let it, your body's just letting go of stuff.

1:03:39It's okay. It can be uncontrollable at times.

1:03:49It's okay. It'll take your time.

1:04:00Oh God. It's okay. So when this stuff is stored, as I was saying earlier, the older we get, you know, and both of us are a little long in the tooth now, these conditioned patterns are that much deeper. so it just just needs a bit of time and patience love and acceptance for it all to come to the surface it's okay but you know it's so i am so in tune with myself yeah clearly i can see that how your body responds i never put those two things together that is so funny i'm normally like Mrs. Oh, I feel like that because of this. Do you know, I can almost even now because I now know that to be a thing.

1:04:48Yeah. Oh man, this has just helped me so much. That's the weirdest thing. I felt so alone. I was on a WhatsApp group. Michael made these amazing WhatsApp groups to keep everybody posted. Yeah. And I was on these WhatsApp groups and all this love was pouring out for me and for Michael. And I just couldn't bear to read it. Yeah. Because I felt I was in the hospital and I was on my own. Yeah. And I had no short-term memories. I wasn't fully aware of what was happening to me. but I just, all I could, I was lonely. I was like literally crying out. I was so lonely. Yeah. But I didn't know why. Yeah.

1:05:40Felt irrational. I could see it all coming through on the WhatsApp, but I just couldn't get to anywhere where I felt comfort. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, but you also had that experience so much. On behavior, right? It's not even the behavior, the experience. So you think about that little girl. in the presence of a mother who isn't present you're a mother imagine what it would be like for a kid in the presence of a parent who's not there what is that experience going to be like for a kid completely lonely and you've done such a great job and we could really overanalyze everything in terms of your career who you've become super gregarious super playful no i did it all for my mom or but no it looked like it and when you don't understand you didn't do it for your mom you did it for your own survival yeah that's exactly it and what's happening now is you're going through a death but you know heavy or overly you know profound of a word to use but that's what I heard when you were describing your menopause and you went from the peaks and the troughs of a normal cycle to this sort of more gracious undulation it's a death and what I'm working with I actually have you know parameters to give someone that I work with about egoic surgery and how to treat yourself afterwards because if you had surgery which you did you go home and they tell you to conduct yourself and so you've got to rest and hydrate and drink and you know da da da but this is a form of death that you're going through yeah but it's the most beautiful expression of life i say if you're going to stay alive then you have to constantly die to the old iterations of yourself this is just really really old this is a girl who was in a very very scary environment felt completely isolated no different than you being in a bed yes with all of the world around you that seems to be a good you know it seemed well that is my mom and that is my parents and that everything seems to be okay but i my experience of life is complete isolation which is for a girl scary as hell right and so much of what your body is letting go of it's like a gazelle that gets chased by a lion in a state of being terrified the shudders and everything that you're experiencing now is where your tissues are releasing all of that old trauma of a little girl who was so powerless so scared just wanted like any child to be loved and accepted and didn't know how to access it until you garnered all of your your skills and show plays and whatever you had to do to show and tell to try and get love and acceptance.

1:08:20It's like you were there. Yeah, yeah. And it's exhausting. Do you know what?

1:08:34Wow. And you don't have to do that anymore. It's actually, and I want you to listen to this very carefully and look at me, it's impossible to be alone. It's impossible. The only experience we can have of loneliness is when we're misidentified with the part of us that doesn't feel seen, heard, and held. But the opportunity is for us to hold that part. You had a soul contract with your mom for her to not be fully present so that you could experience this right now and realize the extent of your capacity to hold yourself, to love yourself, and fundamentally to know that you're safe.

1:09:24Fuck, yeah. Because for a little girl in that environment, one of the main prisons that you're going to be born into is that you're not safe. And I can't imagine, I can imagine how that showed up in relationships, the way you conducted yourself, the kind of boys you attracted when you were younger. I mean, like you know me, right? Yeah. Well, I know you deeper than most people right now. Yeah, you see me, right. Yeah. Yeah. I have spent like a few years gathering lost bits of myself from various corners of my life and reintegrating them into my heart. Yeah. But I feel like I've just done a really good one today.

1:10:12I was blaming a lot of other things around me for the way that I felt. But it's just because I couldn't find it in myself to support myself at that time. When you said you couldn't find it in yourself to take care of yourself. I was looking for external.

1:10:39That really helped because I didn't need external. I was there and I had my own back, you know. I couldn't feel it. And beyond that, life's got your back. See, for a woman as a mother, oftentimes if you were to envisage love as a symbol, it's kind of like you embrace, right? You've done that how many times to loved ones, to kids? But what I'm pointing to is there's a set of arms that go around you too. Oh, right. Yes. Okay. You're never alone. Okay. I see what you mean now. That's life. Yes. Life. For some people, it's God, it's Allah, it's Jesus, it's Buddha. It doesn't matter what you call it.

1:11:25life the universe has got your back and that little girl who felt so isolated there's other components to it that I see that I'm not going to leave you hanging with but that was the big one right is that you're just completely alone and when you're alone you have to feel hurt and scared and then you'll compensate however you have to it's a horrible place to be that was my experience when my dad died I can remember standing inside of my bedroom literally alone not the mental emotional experience that everybody listening has as a feeling of isolation because they're an ego in the eye that is separation so that I think to go back to one of your questions earlier why did I develop this because I felt how just horrific and tragic it is to think that you're alone is I think it's the worst feeling yeah and so for many kids like you who are brought up in an environment where there's hostility abuse alcoholism the absence of love that kid is so scared and so isolated they don't know where to go often walking around on eggshells but for you what i see is some other bedfellows to that is it was all up to you right mom wasn't there she was incapacitated so why you become so successful why you become such a leader a role model for women is because part of your genuine nature is to be somebody who's dynamic and powerful but much of it was built on this dysfunction maladaptive thinking that it's all up to you to make it because who else got so grateful for that though that's what's so funny about it exactly it's a beautiful like for me too right i became fiercely independent because i had to be yeah that could have become an obstacle in certain relationships when i was younger because i didn't really need anyone that's also a barrier to companionship and love made me very powerful and nothing really fazed me but what i hear in you is there's a subtle if it's up to you there's way too much pressure it doesn't really allow for contribution which is why i love moments where michael puts his hand on your heart.

1:13:20He gives, he allows you to integrate those parts of you that perhaps are still dysfunctional. But the last thing, because you gave me an hotel as you spoke about the tumor, where you preempted it, if you listen to this recording, you kind of gave a quick snapshot of your resume, right, with all the CDs and the DVDs and all the things you've done in this world of fitness. So just consider as an invitation, I'm not saying it's a truth. There's a part of you as a proud woman as a smart woman as a successful woman there could be a little bit of shame there too or confusion how can i of all people with the fitness and the thing that i've done to get a brain change that's what i feel subtly it's not as big as what you just went through you know what was interesting though because i interestingly because i did cross i did do that whole thing yeah when i got it yeah i said i don't understand what have i done yeah so i did that already but what was really fascinating about it is that I got it in utero okay it was with me in my mother's womb yeah and it's just grown very slowly over time okay so I could part that yeah but I did exactly that yeah it was quite funny that you should say that because I feel it's a remnant it's residual it's not as strong as the feeling of being alone as an illusion but really the guilt and shame of either self-judgment, how could I, or what did I do wrong?

1:14:48The energy of fault, which a kid could take on with a parent that's not absent or is absent, not present. The kid often will think, well, it's my fault. What have I done? Which again exacerbates the loneliness but also the guilt and shame. The other thing that's interesting about us pinpointing loneliness, God, this is just so amazing. is that Michael and I often talk about slightly feeling like islands. Yeah. You know, we've got big families and everything, but we're a bit different. Yeah. And not in a bad way. We're not isolated by anybody, but we just feel a bit different. I'm a freak of nature, so you're taken to the choir.

1:15:33And an island, I think, is another way of saying you're a bit lonely, you know. Yeah. But we've said that we've built a little archipelago. So with two islands, we've come together and we've built a bridge. I love that. And we can still be on our own. Absolutely. But we're right next to each other. Yeah. And I've found, you know, you're talking about feeling safe. I've found safety in that feeling like that. Like I don't have to merge with someone, but I can just be right next door. and I'm going to expand that beautiful image for you there's another bridge that goes off both of your islands which is part of the whole which is life it's yes yeah and that's true belonging that you're not separate to life you can't not be in the gang of the universe yeah and so no matter what it does is it doesn't put any pressure then on your relationship as though oh he's my only safe haven he's my only one that understands me because that would then be a dysfunctional way to be coincide it's not us against the world yeah which also can create superiority complexes and maybe energetically people might feel that they can't get close can't get close yeah well that's definitely not the case with us for sure no no and i can see that i would not want that to be no and that's why that's a really nice visual is that you can't not be part of the whole everything everything and what it does is is that image of the arms around you you're both held and whilst you create this beautiful little ecosystem of your own love and your own joy and your own preferences for life and where you go and what you do but that's part of the whole just like every cell in our body has its own little function and its own little arena of you know a thigh cell and an eye cell and a lung cell and a kidney cell but collectively it creates this beautiful organism called a human being.

1:17:28And that's the universe of which we're all a part. And you play your role. But as long as you think you're separate, that's dysfunction. That is actually cancer. A cancerous cell has lost its connection to intelligence. It's in a hostile environment. And so it's like, I got to take care of myself. And so what we just did there is bring to the surface one of the hostile conversations you were living in, which is you're alone. that's a very hostile space to live in it makes sense that under that pressure thinking it's up to you that you would create some sort of physiological anomaly but now you can see it's all bs it's a lie and in the absence of that concern you get to be what we just witnessed which is liberated free totally at peace and completely a part of the whole

1:18:18Louder for the people in the back Thank you my dear You're such a sweetheart I had no idea that was going to happen But that's what we spoke about earlier Do you know what? It's quite funny I've been thinking all day Like I wonder if Peter I often kind of see you talking to people about Their childhood stuff So I thought Oh I'm sorted Yeah In that arena my thing's more recent like it's about my op I can't stop crying and I don't know why yeah and it went right back to my job you kept trimming the weeds on the surface and I was like no no that root goes down quite a way yeah nothing to do with the tumor the tumor was symbolic symbolic yeah well it's it was a gift yeah it was to get me here yeah to reunite with a gang that you were never not a part of yes isn't that cool that's fucking mind-blowing yeah um Peter yes um is there anything I can do for you getting a bit peggish I'll get you some food I'm good thank you love half the heart

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