We Saved Each Other From Addiction | Sarah Hiscox “I Wouldn’t Be Alive Without You”

34:40You were on MTV. Yeah. And traveling. Traveling, having an exciting, glamorous life. I hadn't thought about what that must be like if you're at home with a baby. I was jealous. I was jealous of you. I was envious. It's funny because I wanted your life. I know. But it's that thing of it's never enough. What you haven't got. And I just felt so lonely. Renshaw was doing a degree in architecture. I think it was his final year. So he was away most of the time. or at work most of the time and I was at home with Linus on my own you know making shepherd's pie watching the tweenies and I just felt completely isolated and that void of you're not enough you just you know you're just not enough you know that opened up again and I didn't know how to fill it and I was really scared about bulimia which I was still making myself sick then not as much but it was just a feeling of hopelessness like I don't know where to go with this empty feeling and and and even while I'm saying it to you now I'm thinking god you sound just like a spoil bitch you know but it it wasn't about that it was about in internally what was going on inside well like you said earlier it's an inside job good and bad yeah it's all in here yeah and it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside if you're not well in here you can't enjoy anything no so I got a part-time job and it was working with somebody who was taking heroin they were people that worked sort of in and around the kind of fashion industry and there was an element of excitement and danger to these people because they took heroin.

36:45I thought the first time that you'd taken heroin was in India. It was. Oh, okay. It was. It was in India. So, because that, I think that is the story worth telling because you and I had lunch at Models One. You might not remember this, but you came to Models One. Yeah. And we went out for coffee at World's End. Yeah. And we went to go and have lunch. and you'd come back from India. I was like, how was it? Was it good? And you went, yeah, it was amazing. Then we were chatting away and you went, I tried heroin for the first time. And I went, what? And I was like, why did you do that? And you went, no, no, no, I'm not going to do it again.

37:27I just, I just, you know, I just tried it. And you were like, I mean, me and Wrench both tried it and we're definitely not going to do it again. And I was thinking to myself, but you know what it did to me. I know. Why would you do that? But I didn't say it out loud because I thought, well, let's just wait and see. But I was really worried after that lunch. We did try in India and I had built it up into this thing because of you, because of other people we knew that had problems, lost their life to it. And so it was something that was very scary for me. I mean sort of drugs were quite scary for me really because like 10 years with no drugs no drugs and and also I didn't like the idea of not being in control or something like I didn't like but what if I think I've got wings and I want to fly off or yes what if I go mad that was the thing I couldn't control my thoughts yes and also you've been told by the doctor not to do anything mood altering because it would be dangerous exactly that is a reality that you think could happen Absolutely.

38:34So heroin was always, well, heroin was something obviously I'd had the experience with you, but also kind of Zamo in Grange Hill, you know, people, people sell their grandmother, you know. So I was like, oh, I'm not going to do that. And then we did end up doing it in India. And I have to say that the first time I did it, I was very sick, really sick, like I'd been poisoned. Well, I had been poisoned. And the moment the sickness finished, I was like, I want to do it again. But the thing about it is, for me, was all those things, the pills, the food, they work to a certain extent on filling the void, making me feel as good as.

39:17Momentarily. Momentarily, not really. Yeah, it didn't really do the job. Heroin did the job. I mean, it was like that whole just went. And I was normal. It wasn't like I was some crazed junkie that was behaving in an irrational way. I just felt normal. Like, oh, my God, this is how normal people feel. This is how they cope in their life without those voices of your shit, your fat, your thing, your stupid. Yes. You know, all the voices just disappeared. And so I was in. I was in. But like you said, I just thought, but I'm I'm going to be the one in control of this. And that that that shit that happened to you isn't going to happen to me.

40:06She's an addict. Yeah, she's an addict. I'm not. And I've got a baby and a husband and a house and a life and a life. If I could just do this alongside those things, I don't need that career that you've got. I don't need to have an MA in philosophy. You know, I'll be all right. And that's how it was. God. Until it wasn't. How bad did it get? It got really bad. So I had gone to rehabs. You know, I was in a very privileged position that my husband could afford to send me to rehabs and pay for therapists. And I did those things. And that didn't stop me using. Why not? Because I, it's such a good question that.

41:06Why not? because I wasn't ready. I mean, how ready do you need to be? But that void kept opening up every time I stopped. And now I knew how to fill it. And even though I could see my life crashing around me, it just didn't seem like an option. It felt like, I mean, this is the most ridiculous thing to say, and I know it doesn't make sense, and I know that it's not true, but it almost felt like there was this malevolent spirit had taken over and it was making me do things that I didn't want to do. I just tried. It wasn't like every time I came out of rehab, I just thought, no, fuck it, I can't be bothered.

41:50I tried so hard every day. I'm not going to use, I'm not going to use. And then something would, a switch would go and the choice had been taken away from me. And I couldn't understand why, because in the end, And Renshaw divorced me. You loved Renshaw. Yes. You still loved Renshaw, even though you were using. Yeah. And you knew if you didn't stop using. I would lose him. You would lose him. Yeah. But still, you couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. And what was it like? When did you know he was going to say it? He'd given me so many chances. and I had almost given up on myself and thought I didn't have the courage to take my own life I couldn't see a life in which I wasn't using heroin I couldn't because I couldn't do it I tried so many times I couldn't do it so obviously wasn't capable of it um and then one day he called me and we met up we weren't living together at that time I don't I don't know where I think maybe I was at my sister's I can't remember and he spoke to me and he said it's like they've been it's like you've had a lover I've lost you to someone else but instead of a man it's heroin and I can't do this anymore Sarah now I can't oh god he said I can't I'm worried that I'm going to end up bringing the children to, you know, a grave and I can't do that to them.

43:28I have to look after them. And so he said, you know, that's it. I can't, you know, you don't seem to want to do it. So, and I remember screaming inside thinking, no, no, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And I remember him saying, because we had two sons then, Linus, who must have been four, and Beach, who was one, and him saying, I'm going to have to tell Linus. And I just didn't want him to tell Linus because I knew, oh, it was just awful. And when he left that pub, after he said, you better get a lawyer because I'm going to divorce you and I'm going to take custody of the children, that sort of sense of hopelessness but then within that hopelessness a tiny little flame of hope of like I'm going to do it this time I'm going to do it I remember walking past the house our old family house where he still lived with the children and I remember him thinking he'd be upstairs with Linus you know reading a story and it should be me that was in there and I just didn't the house was just there it was just me and this the house and how to get from where I was outside the house into the house and it seems so simple just stop taking heroin just stop taking it you stupid woman and I just couldn't fucking do it you know and but again that feeling of like I'm going to do it I'm going to do it and not doing it can I ask you something you mentioned beach there your second son how did you navigate being clean with him with him i imposed this very strict rule on myself that i would use three days on three days off because somebody told me not a doctor obviously um that the baby wouldn't be born addicted to heroin so that's what i did and it was those three days off, all I could think about was those three days on.

45:38And then the three days on would just fill with this awful guilt, this terrible guilt of like, you know, who are you? Why is the love of your children not enough? Like, why isn't it enough? And I don't know why it wasn't enough, but I do know that addiction is, you hear it all the time. You know, people lose their families all the time. But there is something about a mother losing her own children. People judge that very harshly. So I was also scared to get help because people would be so disapproving, so shocked, like she's a mother. and and I think that's what I think that's what keeps a lot of women and mothers quiet because it's the shame of it addiction is more powerful than anything and it's difficult for people to understand and I I can see that because as I'm saying it I'm thinking oh my god people if they watch this they're going to think that I'm this terrible person because I chose heroin over my children, which I did, you know, and then I was only allowed to see them with supervised contact.

46:53You know, that's pretty, just to say that. In the end, Renshaw had gone, the children had gone, my sister had gone, my mother had gone. I don't speak to my father. You were the only one I had left. I could still call you up and say, oh, poor me, poor me. And you give me slightly short shrift. And then I remember coming to stay at your house for the weekend. And I was using at that time and I knew I couldn't use heroin because you bloody know. So I took a bottle of methadone. And when I left and I hated the weekend because you were this like happy family. You had this great career, this wonderful husband, this wonderful house, like, you know, perfect family.

47:45and I was this person that was only and the only, I was only allowed to be there with my children because you were the supervised contact at that point. Renshaw had allowed it. And I took methadone with me which is a prescription medicine that the doctor will give you to ease withdrawal symptoms to help stop using. And I left a bottle of it in the bin and then do you remember you called me out? Yeah. And you went ballistic, didn't you? And you were like, that's it, I'm done. I'm done, I'm done. If you're ready to get clean, I'm here. And that was very painful for me. Because I just thought, like, I think I was like, I mean, I hadn't seen methadone for years.

48:36And there was some in it. Yeah. There was, like, some in the bottom. And I was like, what did I do with it? It was like a nuclear kind of... I was like, wah, wah. Yeah, quick. I needed to drive to Oxfad to put it in a public bin so I couldn't go and get it out of a bin. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do know what you mean. It was like danger. And when I put the phone down from that, I thought...

49:12I wonder if she's going to make it. Mmm.

49:18I'm really scared. Because I thought I'm the only one she's got left. And I've just cut her loose. Like, is this going to be it? Is she going to not make it? Because you've done all the treatment centres. Yeah, it was the end. Like it was really feeling desperate. And, you know, I could see, Renshaw still loved you. And I still loved him. He didn't know what to do. He was like, I... He had to protect the children. Nothing's working. So I just put the phone down and just prayed, please take care of Sarah. Like, please do something, something, change.

50:12So what happened then? After that? Yeah. I mean, I carry on using for a bit. I overdosed. That was really scary. I ended up in some hostel in Earl's Court. Fuck. I know. And with two people and who I didn't really know, one I did, one person I'd met in treatment and the other person I didn't know. And she had, she had, I think she did have three children. They'd all been adopted now. She'd less than more. It was really bad. And I was using, and I'd never used needles before. and she said to me, well, you're not smoking it. If you want it, you're going to have to use a needle. But by this stage, I didn't give a fuck.

51:08I was like, whatever, just do it. And I overdosed and I ended up, I remember waking up in an ambulance and a paramedic saying to me, who's the prime minister? How many fingers am I holding up? Who's the prime minister? And I didn't know what had happened to me and told me you've overdosed. and this fear gripped me of, oh my God, am I going to die? Because I had no control now. I'd taken the drug. I didn't know how it worked. Like, am I going to die now? And they took me on a stretcher into a room where I think I was injected with adrenaline or something and the doctor there was quite harsh with me.

51:51I was wasting their time. Like there were people who are really sick and need them And here was I, some stupid junkie overdosed and they were having to, that's how I felt. Like I remember saying, I'm sorry to him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was crying because I was frightened. I was crying because I was frightened. And I thought, how have I let it get? How is it? How has it got to this? Like how? Like nobody else is doing this. Nobody else is making me do these things. I'm doing this. Couldn't understand how I'd let it get this far. And he was very sweet and said, do you really want to stop? Yes, I really want to stop.

52:31You know, he gave me some pamphlets or something. And it came out of the hospital. And I remember sitting on a bench and just feeling so utterly hopeless, looking at the pamphlets, thinking it's too late, you know, that it's just too late. And then going off and scoring again. And I mean, the insanity of it, the absolute insanity. But it did give me a fright. And, you know, a couple of other things happened. But I'd sort of come to a decision, even, I can't really explain it. I didn't have this epiphany. I didn't fall to my knees and have some spiritual awakening. where I thought I've given up, you know, I've stopped.

53:25No, I never had that. But I think you just don't stop trying. I didn't stop trying. Even though there were times of hopelessness. Yes. There was still, I always think of it as like I was on this merry-go-round, it was like a misery go-round, around and around on the misery round and these exit signs flash up. And you either take them or you don't. But you don't know when the next one's coming or if the next one's coming. Oh, my God, that's a very, very good visualization. And I kept missing those exit signs, being seeing them, but just missing them. And I just took one and I stopped. And one day turned into, I didn't go to treatment.

54:17and I did go to meetings. I did go to one of my meetings and at that point, if somebody had said to me, you need to stand in the corner upside down in a bucket of pig's will for 48 hours to stay clean, I'd be like, yeah, okay, I'm doing it. That's whatever it takes. I was the same. Yeah. When I was ready, I'd have done anything. But what's so weird, Div, is why I was ready then and not earlier. I don't know. I just don't know but I do know if you just keep trying keep trying never give up it does work yeah do you know what you wrote me a letter I don't know if you remember this I do remember writing you a letter yeah but I don't remember you wrote me a letter and I got it and this was after you know I'd said right contact me when you're when you're willing to get clean yeah but you wrote me a letter oh my tits nearly hanging out nice were you enjoying that yeah it's what I'm used to that's what we're all used to

55:18that I read the letter and I was like, she's clean. I knew from the letter. What did I say in the letter? You were humble. Oh, okay. That's so interesting, yeah, because I was so full of shit. It was a completely different you. It was an old you. Yeah. It was like reading a letter from my old friend. You could say I was back. Totally. Yeah, that malevolent spirit had gone. Yeah, and I called you immediately. Yeah. And I was like, you're clean. And you went, how do you know? And I said, you're humble. And you were like, I am. And I was like, right, I'm coming. It was like wild horses couldn't keep me away.

55:56I was like, get me to you immediately. Came to your flat. I remember being at your flat and us just being straight back to normal again. You were so different. Yeah. So different. It was incredible. and I was all in like we're here right back together again yeah um like like we'd never been apart like we'd never been apart so what happened then because you obviously had had no contact with the kids no Wenshaw had given up on you Wenshaw had given up on me so how did you start to rebuild the trust with Wenshaw primarily from staying clean yeah and like you said you know when somebody's clean or not you know so he knew and I was allowed to come and say good night to the children and read them a story when I was three months clean I'd had dream that'd be my dream outside the house exactly that had been my dream and just just to say to preempt that that for that three months I'd had to have urine tests by the doctor to show Renshaw that I was clean Right.

57:09And when I got to that three month stage, I was allowed to come and read the children a story. Sometimes I'd stay for supper.

57:20Yeah. Sometimes he cooked me supper in my old home with the children upstairs. Yeah. Like, wow. Sometimes after a while we'd end up in bed together. and I... Wait, wait. Yes. What, like having sex? Having sex. Yeah. Sorry, Renshaw. He won't watch this. He won't watch it. No, okay. It's fine. We can talk about it. It's fine. You'll never know. But what... Did he ever make you any promises then? Never. In fact, I was... I always thought once I'd clean, I had this dream that we'd get back together because usually when people divorce, So it's because, you know, there's been adultery or they've fallen out of love with each other.

58:05But that wasn't the case with us. No, it wasn't. We still loved each other. But yes, there was this huge other bloody great thing. Yes. And now that thing had gone, we hoped. So the love was still there, but there was the trust needed to be damaged. It was damaged. Exactly. And then it slightly changed because then they were allowed after. I can't remember how many months, six or nine months, they were then allowed to stay with me. So he would come around and read them a story. Now, bear in mind, I hadn't been out for about three years. You know, my going out involved going to a meeting and somebody had called me up and said, did I want to go to some kind of sprauncy event at the V &A?

58:52And I said, yes, terrified, terrified terrified and I remember getting all dressed up I didn't know I hadn't dressed up for so long I didn't know what to wear I didn't even know what I liked anymore I was like oh god I look ridiculous you know and he came around to say good night and read the children's story to my flat and I opened the door and I was all doled up and he was like bloody hell where are you going I said well I'm going to this you know sponzy event and he said as you know he loves motorbikes and he said, do you want me to take you on the bike? Because it'll be a nightmare, the traffic, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

59:28And I remember thinking, oh, God. Because I remember he'd said to me before, it's not going to happen again. Oh, my God. Huge part of the story I missed. The day before the decree absolute had come through. I remember calling him and saying, oh, my God, the absolute's come through. That's it. It's over. That's it. So bear in mind, the divorce was done. It was dusted yesterday. Today, that's why I went out. I thought I cannot sit in my flat being miserable. I've got to get it. I've got to try and start pulling a life back together that doesn't involve wrench for myself. So he comes around. Oh, do you want to lift the V &A?

1:00:09Yes. OK. And we walked in and I just remember being met by this kind of sea of glamour. And I just thought I can't. I just kind of I cannot deal with this. I'm not ready for this yet. So I said, I can't do it, Wrench. I can't do it. And he said, let's go out for dinner. I was like, why would we do that? And he said, to celebrate the end of our marriage, to celebrate the divorce. And I was like, oh, I don't know if I can do that. But I just wanted to be with him. So I was like, I feel a bit weird about it, but okay. and he went to this restaurant that we had a relationship with, but, you know, birthdays, anniversaries.

1:00:52We would go to this restaurant and we went there and I said, it was a Friday night, you'll never get a table. And he got a table. So we walked into the restaurant, sat down. I felt very sad, you know, because I wanted to be with this man and here we were celebrating our divorce. And he said something I need to tell you. and I was like, oh my God, he's met someone else, you know, some like supermodel and, you know, still those old messages, you're not good enough, you're not good enough. I thought, oh God, here we go. I don't know if I can cope with this. And he said, do you want to try again? And I was like, what?

1:01:34What? And he said, do you want to try again? And I said, yes. Absolutely, yes. But I said also, do you think that we'll be able to? So much has happened. There's so much water under the bridge. Can you forgive me? You know, can we forgive each other in some instances? And he was like, well, let's try. Yes, Redshaw! Oh, my God. So that's what we did. And how did that work? I moved back into the family home. Wow. How quickly? Oh, like by the weekend. You know, I booked. On the way home, I booked the removal van. I was like, I'm not wasting any time here. He might change his mind. Oh, my God. So, booked the removal van.

1:02:30I was in there. You know, the dinner was on the Friday. I was in there on the Saturday. I have never been more happy. Oh, God, nor have I. I knew the work that you had to do, both of you, to make it work. Yeah. But I had no doubt in my mind that you would do it. I had doubt. Did you? No. Not that there was love, but I thought, was there just so much? Is he going to throw stuff at me when we're angry? He did a bit. He did a bit at the beginning. He did a bit at the beginning. I'm not surprised. Fair enough, you know. I had to eat humble pie a lot. And can I just say also, well done, because you really did.

1:03:15I did, yeah. And you never fought back. No. And you were, you know, that was a lot. It was a lot. Because you'd done so well. And there you were eating humble pie, even though you were doing so well. Well, yeah. There was a lot to make up for. But you were aware of that. I was aware of that. And I knew that. And I knew that it was worth giving it a chance. So, you know, that the relationship is going to be slightly different. And he was making that I didn't I didn't have a voice yet in our back when we had that second chance. I still was trying to find my voice. I didn't feel I had it yet. And if I earned it yet.

1:03:56But I really wanted to have another baby. And he was very anti that at the beginning and said, you know, the children who are a bit bigger than they've gone through. so much we're getting to the stage where they're now at school all day we can have more of a life to what for us like why don't you know do we really want to go back to babies but but for me there was a space at the table yeah and it was also you'd be clean I'd be clean and I hadn't had that no and I wanted to do that all the the cake sales and the swimming galas and the PTA I wanted to do that because I hadn't been able to do that before.

1:04:39And it was really important to me to do that. Anyway, I got pregnant. How did I manage that? And he was very happy about it. And then we had Lucy, who's now 20, who healed so much. You know, I felt she was such a gift that I didn't really deserve. But I was given this another chance. And amazing to be able to parent in a way that I wasn't before. It was, I was just so grateful for that. I felt so lucky. And now looking at the three of them, can't imagine life without Lucy. That's such a weird concept. That little pocket rocket. Yeah. And then I remember you being like, I want to get remarried after you'd had Lucy.

1:05:39And I remember thinking, I really want them to get married. And like, I remember saying to Rentshaw, do you think you might ask her? He'd go, Div, it's none of your business. It's none of your business. I think, God damn it. I can't, you know, I can't like. I know, but don't you remember we went away from my. To New York. To New York, my 40th. And one day he said to you, listen, I want to take Sarah. I think we went for three nights. I want to take Sarah on my own tonight. And we were like, he's definitely going to ask me. He's definitely going to ask me. And I was like, oh, my God, he's definitely going to ask me.

1:06:21I couldn't wait. And we get to the restaurant. And I was like, OK, come on. And he said, I know you think I'm going to ask you to know, but I'm not. I'm going to ask you when I want to ask you, not when you and Davina. I was like, oh, that's terribly disappointing. I was like, oh, no, I remember saying to you, we were like, what? What the hell? I've gone to the other side of the world for this. I'm not even going to bloody do it. I couldn't believe it. And so I'd sort of given up on that. I think we both had. Yeah, we both had. And then it was Christmas. How many years ago was it? Well, if Lucy's 20 now, it must have been like 16 years ago, maybe 17 years ago.

1:07:06It was Christmas and we were all on the bed, me, Wrench and the three kids, and they were opening their stockings, their Christmas stockings, and Wrench had done me a stocking. and one of the last presents was a wedding ring, that wedding ring. And he said, will you marry me? And I was like, oh, I don't know why I'm crying. I know because I was so happy. I know. So a few months later, we had a very, very small wedding. the only friends of mine that were there were you and your husband and children and Renshaw and his brothers and me and my brother and sister and that was it because my parents weren't there Linus walked me down the aisle and gave me away god it was brilliant little beachy red the velveteen rabbit and Lucy was bridesmaid and it was yeah it was magical it was perfect It was really perfect.

1:08:12It was the most up. But what I remember is that, so how clean must I have been then? Like, I don't know, six, seven years clean or something around that. Like, you know, a while. And we've been back together, obviously, for a while. But I remember getting to, being absolutely fine, excited about the wedding, and then getting to the door of the church where Linus was waiting for me. and seeing him and just losing it. Like I couldn't, I just couldn't stop crying. I don't know if you remember. I just thought I'm not going to be able to get down the aisle and I'm not a big, big crier like you. Like you.

1:08:55I can cry but I just, and I do quite enjoy crying, but I just, I couldn't stop crying. No, it was like a big release. It was like all the things that had happened over the years and so much had happened. Yes. It just felt overwhelming. It felt too much. Yes. And then getting to managing and sort of Linus hanging on, sort of looking at me like, are you all right, mum? And then just sort of seeing Wrench at the end of the aisle and thinking, oh God, there he is, you know. And here we are. After everything. After everything, here we are. Literally. The beginning and end of everything. And that is the story, yeah.

1:09:39It is the most incredible love story. It is. That you withstood all of that. Yeah. And you are still so in love. Still so in love. But it's also, you know, you, Wrench and I have all known each other for so long. Yeah. And we have all been through so much, you know, more recently with you in your boobs, in your brain. There has been, it's just extraordinary to look back on all those years, nearly 40 years of love and friendship. Can I just say something actually? Just publicly I'm going to acknowledge. Oh God. I couldn't have got through last year without you. I was really lost. It was very frightening.

1:10:35you you kept me grounded i i was really in danger of losing my mind and um i couldn't have got through it without you i'm so unbelievably grateful to you for that thank you well i love you i love you more and the thing is that we both being through those things where we thought we were going to lose each other you know when you had that brain tumour I that it seemed to me there was a very real possibility that yeah something terrible would happen yeah and there is nothing like something like that where things come into focus so clearly and you see what's important and all that past that we have had with each other just comes so and suddenly nothing else matters yeah and um and like going through everything with my dad and like you've just you are in the fabric of my life your children I said that in the forward yeah your children are in my DNA yeah if anything happened to you and Wrenchall I'm taking them all on yeah you are like it's the same and we are family we are family we are family and sometimes chosen family and we've discussed this before but how chosen family It can be so much closer, more important.

1:11:56I mean, definitely, you know, with my parents. So, Sarah, I want to end on something. What if you've got something back there? Yeah. Oh, my God. What is it? An Amazon token. No.

1:12:14I'm going to read you something. Oh, God. Okay.

1:12:20Are you ready? Yeah.

1:12:25mum oh god oh god it's very difficult to know what to say to someone who's given us so much i'm welling up just thinking about it i know mum often worries that her troubled years have fucked us up that what she did way back then had a negative impact on our future lives But I'm sitting here, planning a wedding, with the woman of my dreams, trying to find the time in and around the job of my dreams. Beach is sitting in Paris, doing all the things we know he dreamed of doing. And Lucy is living all of our dreams, just having fun at uni without a care in the world. all I know of you is that you've given your life to us every day I can remember you've made us feel safe and loved and we've not questioned that ever for one second you didn't fuck us up you made our dreams come true

1:13:39we all cried when we read that oh my god Linus is an amazing writer isn't he yeah such a gentle soul um oh that's so lovely thank you that's for you oh thank you so much oh dear thank you Sarah oh well thank you for asking me it's so funny because I thought I thought it's going to be so weird because like we're friends like we just like I want to chat about things that we can't talk about in front of the camera I don't want to talk about me and you and what but actually it's been incredible it's been so moving and I think because you you know you were there it's not like I've I've literally loved it so much it's so funny with round of applause everybody please well thank you everyone so just in case you missed this episode here if you love this episode I know you're going to love that you need to prep your space Shop now and save up to 70 % off during Wayfair's 4th of July clearance.

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