What Happens After Your Kids leave home?: Begin Again Moments

0:00Dearbhla Mescal:This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Big news for your kids' lunchbox.

0:06Davina McCall:Welch's Fruit Snacks are now made without any artificial dyes. A snack parents can feel good about and the same delicious taste kids can't get enough of. All made with no artificial dyes. Try Welch's Fruit Snacks today. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola, an original and cherry vanilla. That Pepsi taste you love with just 30 calories and no artificial sweeteners. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola. Unbelievably Pepsi. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Now, I don't know if you remember, but I told you about my friend Kat who was heading off to Thailand with her partner to celebrate their 10 year anniversary. And she just got back last week.

0:48Davina McCall:They spent a day exploring the markets. They went to Bangkok. and the real highlight for Kat, she said, was when they visited this ethical animal sanctuary in Chiang Mai. I mean, can I just tell you something? I've actually never been to Thailand. I'm so jealous. But the reason I'm telling you all of this is before Kat went away, she found a local co-host through Airbnb's co-host network and they helped her host her home and manage all the kind of admin-y bits like welcoming guests and responding to messages. and for Kat that meant that she could just switch off and really just enjoy being on holiday all the while her home was bringing in a bit of extra money on the side.

1:30Davina McCall:It just makes so much sense, right? If you're heading away any time soon and could do with a bit of help, why don't you find yourself a co-host at airbnb.co.uk slash host. I was going to explain here that you are the mother of Paul Mescal. Yes, I am. But you have three children. I do have three children. All equally important.

1:51Dearbhla Mescal:Yes. You've got Donika. So Paul is 30 just recently. Donika is going to be 27 in July. And Nell is 23 in April. My baby. I know. I can't believe I have a 30-year-old. Yeah, it's so weird, isn't it? That is like... How did that even happen? I just have no idea. I find that... And that's the most interesting part of mothering, I think, as well. That you have to mother... Like, they don't need mothering now. so where do you sit but they do exactly but they don't and so therefore you don't want to be on top of them but you want to be near them you want to let them know that we're in the wings always here but yeah he's yeah very lucky the three of them are happy and well

2:36Davina McCall:please will you just describe how you see what happens to two people when they have children

2:45Davina McCall:where they kind of become an entity of parenting like like

2:51Dearbhla Mescal:you when you're parenting when you're in a couple before you have children it's about your dreams and my dreams and we're all going to be wonderful it's all going to be fine we're going to be able to sail off there and we're going to be able to do that and if you're blessed and you get a baby suddenly nothing else matters yeah nothing else matters it's only their dreams what do you mean you have a dream oh no no no no no no no no dreams for you we've got we've got this person here he's got to have the dreams she's got to have the dreams or when we're saying yes and there's no shoulda coulda wouldas we've got to do it and i was that parent oh my goodness no shoulda woulda coulda and paul

3:32Davina McCall:would be sitting there can i say something you are the first other person that i've heard that says shoulda woulda coulda i say that yeah shoulda woulda coulda like rubbish rubbish don't do that

3:44Dearbhla Mescal:Did or did not. And I didn't want any of my children to turn to me at 30. Yeah. And say, yes, I could have, I should have, if you had. Do you know? And one of the things I said to my friend was that when she was coming in her front door and all the shoes were in the front door and she had to kick them out of the way because she's tired and she's just come in with all her own. And then she goes over to the washing machine and all the stuff is outside the washing machine. So we were having, like, you can imagine this, this was a manic conversation of, yes, that happens all the time. And there is no fairy in the laundry.

4:22Dearbhla Mescal:Like, it's just, who is it? Me. And I said to her, do you know what we have to do? We have to realise that we're not always going to be kicking the shoes. Eventually, it'll just be two sets of shoes. So let's enjoy all the shoes, you know, and it's really important because it's fleeting. and when you're in the chaos and when it's hard you don't realize it's fleeting you you think this is it this is oh my god my children are never going to learn and they do go and your joys have to be found within yourself um and i so i you know that was one of the things i remember writing you know kicking the shoes dance over them and then when you're folding the laundry like you're putting something into it yes do it with love you know like you're folding it like with intention with intention and so I try now not every day I can promise you it's not every day but I do try intentionally to it's like you know now it's whatsapps you know I send them like I was flying over today and I sent the kids love you all see you on the other side and that'll land wherever at whatever point in the day that they see it.

5:44Dearbhla Mescal:But those little, that's a little moment for me. It's like a kiss on the forehead when they were small. That's my kiss. And now with these grown up people. But folding the laundry or like when Nell comes home, like having her room nicely, you know, just because it's, you want that, you just want them to know they were missed. Yeah. I want you to be gone, but you're missed when you're gone. It's kind of that balance of you're supposed to be somewhere else, but I do miss you. I do miss that. Yeah.

6:19Davina McCall:I mean, this is something that any woman that has had children, it doesn't really matter how old they are now. At some point, they will be negotiating their children leaving.

6:32Davina McCall:And it was really funny because I was like, I'm not going to be that parent. I'm going to, like, my whole mission in life, give my kids wings. Wings, absolutely. So they can fly away with confidence and never look back. Yes. And then I remember when the first one went, and I was, like, thinking to myself, look back. Look back sometime. Like, just a couple of times, as it would be. Just, I'm still here. And I love you. Yeah. Eczema is unpredictable. but you can flare less with EpGliss, a once-monthly treatment for moderate to severe eczema. After an initial four-month or longer dosing phase, about four in ten people taking EpGliss achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks.

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8:34Mel Robbins:You and I have daughters that are largely the same age, and I wrote this book with our oldest daughter, Sawyer.

8:39Davina McCall:I really want to talk to you a bit about that as well, so finish what you're saying, but I'd love to talk to you about your experience of...

8:45Mel Robbins:Oh my God, we were going to kill each other. Like, it was the absolute, like, this theory works because we had to use it probably 37 times a day with each other. We are the exact opposite. Our daughter has worked for a cybersecurity firm in like strict like data marketing. She is an Excel sheet on legs. That's what she is. I am a just crazy lunatic. Like I always use this descriptor that my brain, imagine filling a cardboard box with mice and tipping it over a restaurant. That's what my brain is like. So yes, imagine she never wanted to work for me ever. This was her worst nightmare. And, you know, it's a long story, but like a lot of 20-somethings, she had an early career.

9:38Mel Robbins:Then she went backpacking, came home broke. And I'm like, I got a project. And she was broke. And so I looped her into starting to do some research on this. And then she's the one that came up with Let Me. Wow. Uh-huh. and when Sawyer you know came on and needed some money I'm like look I just wrote the first draft of this book and it sucks because you could buy it was terrible and so I'm at this point where I've turned in the manuscript I think the book is terrible she's home she's broke this would have been like a year and five months ago January of 2024 and I said hey here's what I want you to do I did a podcast episode about this.

10:21Mel Robbins:Go to the comments on the YouTube episode and go to the inbox. And I want you to do some analysis and tell us what are people saying? Forget about why they like it. We all know why they like it because it makes them feel better than other people. It makes them rise above all this shit and not be so stressed out. Why do they not like it? Where's the pain point? Where is it not working? I thought she would take four weeks. She came back two days later with like a 37 page Excel tab spreadsheet thing with all this links. And so I'm like, now you're really stuck because now you got to write this with me.

10:59Mel Robbins:And so we literally live together. We work together. We wrote 10 drafts of this book in about 11 months. That's 3 ,300 pages. We would literally let them, let them, and then I'd get pissed off because she'd want to work on it. And I'm like, I can't, I'm a creator. And I'd leave and then she'd be upstairs going, let her, let her, let her. And I'd be downstairs going, let her, let her. You know, I can't do this if you're in this mood. Cause you know how you get with your kids where they're in a bad mood. And then you're like, why are you in a bad mood? And then she's like, well, I'm not in a bad mood.

11:29And then next thing you're like, that was us writing this book.

11:32Mel Robbins:And by 11 o 'clock at night, every night, we would be above the garage typing something up and we'd look at each other and go, this is so good. And what was great about it is because she's in her twenties and I'm in my 50s, we argued over every word. We argued over every story. And it was almost like you got to be careful when you write a book about control because the universe hands you nonstop situations that make you use the thing you're working on. You get on a plane, somebody's kicking your seat. You go to the dog park, somebody is letting their dog poop everywhere and they're not picking it up.

12:15Mel Robbins:Like you just like battles. And so one of the interesting things about this is as we were writing the section on love, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her. She comes sobbing. This is when she thought she was going to marry. She literally was like, what am I supposed to do? Just let him leave? Let him sleep with other people? Let him break my heart? I hate this theory. And so we wrote the entire section about the breakup. Yes. as she was going through it in real time. And what's interesting about that as a parent or a friend is that when you've been with somebody that's going through a horrible divorce or they're going through a terrible breakup, all you want to do is take their pain away.

13:02And I had to use the theory to let her grieve.

13:07Mel Robbins:Yes. To let her be in a depressive state. To let her have her process and all I wanted to do was be texting his mother and trying to get them back together. And, you know, I didn't want to have to, like, I didn't want to delete the photos on the digital frame. I was just like pausing them because I'm holding out. Like I wanted to reassure her, but that actually communicates that you're not strong enough to get through this. And one of the biggest lessons as a parent that this book has taught me is that your kids are so much stronger than you realize. And your job is to let them learn from life while you've got your arm around their shoulder saying, I am here when you need me.

13:57Mel Robbins:And I believe in your ability to move through this. Because the truth is, if somebody breaks up with you or you're going through a really challenging divorce, it's a mentally healthy response to be in a depressive state. Yes, of course. Yeah. But we're so uncomfortable watching somebody go through that, that we want to take that from them when they are fully capable of moving through it with your support.