When I Thought I Was Going To Die… I Realised I’d Never Lived For Myself | Dearbhla Mescal

14:27Dearbhla Mescal:In the smallest space. It's not, I mean, not everybody has access to being able to go out walking every day. Not everybody has access to a garden. But there is access to joy by just seeing, like, one of the things I said to my friend was that when she was coming in her front door and all the shoes were in the front door and she had to kick them out of the way because she's tired and she's just come in with all her own and then she goes over to the washing machine and all the stuff is outside the washing machine. So we were having, like you can imagine this, this was a manic conversation of, yes, that happens all the time and there is no fairy in the laundry.

15:07Dearbhla Mescal:Like it's just, who is it? Me. And I said to her, do you know what we have to do? We have to realise that we're not always going to be kicking the shoes. Eventually it'll just be two sets of shoes. So let's enjoy. All the shoes, you know, and it's really important because it's fleeting. And when you're in the chaos and when it's hard, you don't realize it's fleeting you, you think this is it. This is oh, my God, my children are never going to learn and they do go and. Your joys have to be found within yourself. and I so I you know that was one of the things I remember writing you know kicking the shoes dance over them and then when you're folding the laundry like you're putting something into it yes do it with love you know like you're folding it like with intention with intention and so I try now not every day I can promise you it's not every day but I do try intentionally to it's like you know now it's whatsapps you know i send them like i was flying over today and i sent the kids love you all see on the other side and that'll land wherever at whatever point in the day that they see it but those little that's a little moment for me it's like a kiss on the on the forehead when they were small that's my kiss and now with these grown-up people but folding the laundry or like when Nell comes home like having her room nicely you know just just because it's you want that you just want them to know they were missed yeah I want you to be gone but you're missed when you're gone it's kind of that balance of you're supposed to be somewhere else but I do miss you I do miss that yeah

17:04Davina McCall:I mean this is something that any woman that has had children it doesn't really matter how old they are now at some point they will be negotiating their children leaving um and it was really funny because i was like i'm not going to be i'm not going to be that parent i'm gonna like my my whole mission in life give my kids wings absolutely so they can fly away with confidence and never look back yes and then i remember when the first one went and i was like thinking to myself look back look back sometime like just a couple just a couple of times as it would be just I'm still I'm still here and um I love you yeah and what's I there's a lot I'd like to unpick actually at the moment but so you you talk brilliantly about um like folding into your partner so you've been married for how many years now 32 it'll be 32 this year can i just applaud you for that 32 years congratulations because we all know that marriages you know they take work so hard yeah the hardest job yeah i have ever done um and have no i have no i don't have any regrets

18:28Dearbhla Mescal:for being in that in that working it working it and having to deal with it and I was talking to Paul yesterday because I said do you remember those times like because we come out that you know we've come out of and you're talking about Paul Senior sorry yeah yeah no I apologise I just for anybody wanting to just to no so I was saying to him do you remember do you remember how chaotic it was Do you remember how hard it was? And he said, oh, it was so dark. So I felt kind of validated that like at least both of us felt it, because when you're doing it and when you're going through that hard work and that I probably wasn't always kind.

19:14Dearbhla Mescal:You know, I you know, it was a case of a tad. I was tired. I was. You know, have you not done the dishwasher? You know, and the little slam of the mundane, the mundane things that just get under your skin. And we we now I think we navigated it. Probably not consciously, as in. We didn't we knew it was hard. We knew that this was this was hard. But we also knew. There was a we were on a journey like we were on a journey. I partnered well well done you know I did really partner well

20:00Davina McCall:I mean you fell in love we did and you were in love and so I think you always had that to go back to and that's important you know you go on this journey and your description please will you just describe how you see what happens to two people when they have children

20:22Davina McCall:where they kind of become an entity of parenting. Oh, like like you.

20:30Dearbhla Mescal:When you're parenting, when you're when you're in a couple before you have children. It's about your dreams and my dreams and we're all going to be wonderful. It's all going to be fine. We're going to be able to sail off there and we're going to be able to do that. and if you're blessed and you get it you get a baby suddenly nothing else matters yeah nothing else matters it's only their dreams what do you mean you have a dream oh no no no no no no no no no dreams for you we've got we've got this person here he's got to have the dreams she's got to have the dreams oh when we're saying yes and there's no shoulda coulda wouldas we've got to do it and I was that parent oh my goodness no shoulda woulda coulda and Paul would be sitting there

21:10Davina McCall:Can I say something? You are the first other person that I've heard that says shoulda, woulda, coulda. I say that. Yeah. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Like, rubbish. Rubbish. Don't do that.

21:21Dearbhla Mescal:Did or did not. And I didn't want any of my children to turn to me at 30. Yeah. And say. Yes. I coulda, I shoulda, if you had. Do you know? Yes. And not that I was a yes parent. I was a yes parent. I really love you. I was a yes parent. I am a yes parent. What do you mean by that? I would say yes to anything that was about their dreams or their wishes or their hopes. It was yes. How are we going to do that? You know, maybe we didn't get the new kitchen. we didn't do those kind of things because we were doing something we were doing something different it doesn't make it right or wrong we just we dug differently we kind of sat down in it and sort of said okay this is how and it's a funny thing we didn't actually discuss when I think about it we never sat down and said okay what are we going to do with these children they're beautiful children what are we going to do that didn't happen none of that happened it was just a case of

22:42Davina McCall:you knew was that the case did you know that was Paul Senior like you and Paul were you on the same page immediately yeah pretty much yeah nice

22:50Dearbhla Mescal:yeah we were on the same page and even when it scared him right even when it scared him because he was he's money would have been you know he'd have always kind of been worried about money and I would have been it'll come it's fine where I was ever going to think that. But I became a guard. He became a teacher. Pensionable, permanent pensionable jobs. You know, when you're in a job that's black and white, you know, and uniform, a tie, you know, and, you know, you're completely. And you're I'm a guard, so I'm the lowest of, you know, you. So you're in this.

23:34Dearbhla Mescal:Place where My voice probably rattled inside me for a long time, I think. And I think parenting gave me a little bit of a voice because I was able to sort of say, yes, do. OK, how are we going to do that? I think it's what we want for our kids, is that they're seen. You know, that their voice is heard, that they can be all they want to be, all those things that we want. But I think we really want them to be seen. For me, I think that, yes, who they really are and that they're safe being seen as who they really are.

24:17Davina McCall:Yeah. Can I say something else just for anybody watching or listening that I've heard you say a few times now? And this is a brilliant part of parenting is that every time you talk about your kids and saying yes, you say. how are we going to do that yeah and i think for a kid to understand okay right well the immediate thing is yes right yes how how are we going to approach that but they're part of that it's such a brilliant thing to give a kid you're giving them tools for action all their life yeah what gift

25:01Dearbhla Mescal:Now, I can honestly tell you that wouldn't have been the thoughts at the time it was, but it was the full sentence. That was the full sentence. And, you know, we took students in our house. We had six students in our house. My kids didn't have bedrooms.

25:18Davina McCall:That, can I also say, my parents did that. Yeah. Great gift. You meet lots of different people. Lots of different people. Different walks of life.

25:25Dearbhla Mescal:huge um i sometimes wonder because my children didn't have bedrooms you know like okay yeah you know their their bedrooms um i sometimes wonder was that you know i question obviously you always go back and say was that the right thing to do the the thing i know um but you were doing that

25:49Davina McCall:in order to help them pursue their dreams. Pursue whatever they want. So I think, you know, you take from one place and go with another. But that's the tug. This is the tug. The greatest lesson on earth.

26:04Dearbhla Mescal:And it's what they saw. It's what they saw. And so, yes, they saw that if we're saying yes to this, what has to happen in our house or in your life, Like if you want to play football and rugby and hurling, how do we get to all those places? You know, and you've got a sibling and you've got another sibling. And so there's three humans here all vying for the sunshine. They're all vying. You know, they all want, you know, up and out.

26:36Davina McCall:I love that expression. Three children vying for the sunshine. You can just see that, like going for gold. it's like so fine for the sunshine such a gorgeous expression and the sun is there for everybody

26:53Dearbhla Mescal:so it's not about the stardom and all the rest of it it's about just thriving and flourishing

26:58Davina McCall:um you my god you're just brilliant parents like you and paul no but wait i just want to say something because i think there might be people watching who didn't have that and um When they were growing up, but how it is possible to be that parent, even if you didn't. Yes. Yes. So if you've got little kids, like. Yes. You can. Yeah. You don't have to continue on a legacy in parenting.

27:30Dearbhla Mescal:No, no, no. You become your own person. Yes. And you become the, you become the sunshine for your children. Oh, my God. Become the sunshine. Yes. Yeah. Wow. And I appreciate that's easy to say. It's easy to say.

27:50Davina McCall:Well, look, what you did, you came up with a thing. You went on Facebook. You did 28 days. You drove your one friend nuts and did another one 28 days. Yes, I did. So it's not easy. You did a thing.

28:03Dearbhla Mescal:I did. Yes, I did do a thing. Yes, I did do a thing. Well done, you. Thank you.

28:13Dearbhla Mescal:Yeah. I I think parenting. Is really. Really hard. At the base level, it's really hard, it's. Babyhood, it's toddlerhood, it's schooling, it's choices, it's college, it's whatever, all the rest of that goes on. And I do think you can get lost on it. Yes. And I think you can get low. I definitely felt at that time I had the guilt that I wasn't a stay at home mum. So I wasn't at the I wasn't at the gate. I was a lick and a promise. My children were sent, you know, I remember licking my hand and putting down one of their hair as they were getting into the car and then literally driving and say, I have to be at work.

29:05Dearbhla Mescal:I have to be here, throwing them literally out of the car, getting them into school. And then, you know, five minutes into your drive to your work, feeling that whole guilt of. Yes. Oh, and that. I think that part of me. That really stuck with me at one point. You're judging yourself. Oh, completely. There was a whole. And I think that was in my. I'm going to say because now I was born when I was 35. So I'd say mid 40s to my 50s.

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32:42My 50s have been the blessing of my life. Me too.

32:50Davina McCall:Incredible. I do. This is such an important message. Oh, it's so... What did you think of your 50s when you were 20? Like, who wants to do that? I'm having the greatest time of my life. It's so liberating. You get to love your body. Yes. All of a sudden, you actually love this vessel that you've... How did that happen? What was the thing that made you go, oh, wow, I look great. Look at my gorgeous body as it is, like, walks and all, like... Yeah, fuck. I mean, I haven't eaten. We haven't even touched on that yet. But that was the wonderful pause in my life. So tell me. Wait. OK, let's talk about cancer.

33:31Davina McCall:Yes, let's talk about cancer. How old were you when you discovered that you had cancer?

33:36Dearbhla Mescal:Four years ago. So I'm 57. So 53. I was turning 53.

33:43Davina McCall:And what were your symptoms? This is quite useful for anybody that might have some symptoms.

33:47Dearbhla Mescal:I have multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer. Right. And what happened to me was. In the February, I got a pain in my arm. And it wasn't from ironing or cleaning or going to the gym. OK, and I just couldn't figure out. And my doctor heard me. And as you know, women are at that age. Everything is put down to menopause. Yes. So you can be scapegoated into all these different things. And my doctor listened and I started. She said, we'll start with just what's the pain, first of all. So we did all that. And eventually I got sicker. I was my immune system was breaking down. Right. It was like I was catching everything.

34:38Dearbhla Mescal:I'm very sick. Like, you know, and. I was going to Wimbledon, Paul, like my first. like wow like first plus one going to work with your child like it was like you know okay like i'm going to i'm going i'm going to your job and it was almost like that it was like that because i was that giddy uh because wimbledon oh i mean like mega so exciting it was so yeah yeah yeah

35:05Davina McCall:and also all the people you see there but it was like also but also like we were in like the

35:10Dearbhla Mescal:ralph loran and it was like all these beautiful flowers and it's like everything's gorgeous and And also the young people that are there that are working. They were all just so gorgeous. But I went in and sorry. So I was going to this. And Paul was filming all of the strangers at the time. And I had never been to any of this. So I appreciated he was working. But where do you, you know, you stand over here. You make yourself as small as possible when they're working. It's natural. and but I had a cough that week going into Wimbledon and I'd been sick so sick and Nell had done her first gig in Barn on the Farm yeah because Nell's an artist she's a singer songwriter like amazing and she had had her first gig and I had flown over and I'd done planes trains and automobiles to get to Barn on the Farm exhausting and I was really really sick and I had this cough.

36:12Davina McCall:Can I ask you something? Did you think there's something wrong with me? I knew. Did you have a hunch?

36:17Dearbhla Mescal:Yes, I knew that this was more than a tired mum. I mean, I was working full time at the time. There was something wrong. There was something wrong. There was something amiss. And I literally, so I was on steroids to go to Wimbledon to stop the cough because God forbid I would upset Djokovic or whoever was playing. Do you know? I was like, I was like, imagine somebody coughing and it was me. Because anyway, that was my fear. And anyway, I went to Wimbledon and I had this amazing day and I watched Paul do his job and also have fun because he loves sports. So it was actually a kind of nice two-way thing.

37:05Dearbhla Mescal:We had great fun together. and I had an MRI on the Tuesday and I of course said I'm going to have the MRI late in the day because I was working. I didn't want to be disturbing work. Yes. And on the Thursday, so that was the Tuesday, Sunday was the men's final, Tuesday. And on the Thursday I got a phone call that there was something amiss. And Paul, my husband, was flying. He he's a flying instructor. Were you on your own when you got that? Yes. News at my desk because I was working from home. I was so sick at the time. I really I couldn't be in the office. So I was doing something. I was constantly getting it.

37:50Dearbhla Mescal:Exactly. And I remember. Ringing Paul and he was up in the airplane and saying to him, you need to come home. He said, is it one of the dogs? No, I think it's me. and so literally I'm sure he was longer than 10 minutes but it felt very short and he was right there in the sitting room and I remember because when you hear cancer and I hadn't heard cancer I'd heard the words like these big ridiculous words that don't make any sense to anybody who doesn't know anything about medicine that I remember looking at there was children playing on the green. We we live in a semi D and so there's a green right in front of us.

38:41And I remember thinking, I'm going to die. And.

38:48Dearbhla Mescal:Totally I didn't know I had what cancer I had, but it was just that was where I went to. I went to that the darkest place. And the next day. The doctor, I went obviously to the GP and we were talking and I said if you had this letter what would you do and she said I'd be in hospital then I had to figure out how do you go to hospital like my brain had totally just gone like how do I go to hospital do I just ring up and say I have this letter and I possibly have and don't know but can you look after me and I did literally that I phoned up and they said where are you and I said 20 minutes away and they said come ask for me I'll meet you at the doors and whatever.

39:34Dearbhla Mescal:And I went in and I happened to be in the center of excellence. This hospital happened to be the center of excellence for my type of cancer that I ended up having. And the doctor that ended up looking after me is the doctor who does lots of research in it. So, you know.

39:55Dearbhla Mescal:Divine intervention, I don't know. But that Sunday, three o 'clock, I'm walking into an oncology ward. And last Sunday I had been in Centre Court and it was like that.

40:09Davina McCall:When did they first say the word cancer?

40:13Dearbhla Mescal:So at the end of that, I knew they were looking for something. Right. So, you know, you start to know that they're looking. And I remember being in an MRI and you know that you're trying to. And I'm lucky I don't suffer from claustrophobia. But I remember the da-da-da-da-da-da and my joys. you know, thinking positively. And then I was then I sort of said, what can I live without? I can live without my boots. I can live with it. Can you live without? So I was doing all the bits that I could live without because it's a bit like when, you know, when you're in childbirth and it's hard. If they say we need to take your left leg off because the baby has to come, you're going to say absolutely fine.

40:58Dearbhla Mescal:You do whatever I want my baby out. That was kind of where I was in here. So I was, you know, seeing beaches. I was seeing blue skies. But I was thinking about what I could live without because I didn't know where the cancer was. I knew I presumed it was in my arm. As in that was as it turned out, that is that was one of the basically this type of cancer kind of breaks the bones. It kind of sucks onto the bones and that's what it can do. Usually you could be at that stage. So I was lucky. I wasn't at that stage and I was on chemo the following Friday like literally and I was supposed to go to Coldplay Nell had got me tickets to Coldplay in Paris and we had it booked and I hadn't told her and she had her first single coming out so it was all like Dunnock had only gone to New York four days he'd literally moved to New York and he was only gone four days and Paul was in the middle of filming

42:00Davina McCall:so it was like this whole thing of how how wait wait because this is also the reason why i'm i'm asking you so many questions is that you know lots of us yes one in two one in two of us is going to get cancer right and we're here in the room yeah yeah um which is scary and and and also i think it is helpful to have a just an honest open discussion about it because with somebody that doesn't mind sharing because it is hard, it is frightening. And I think telling your kids, and it doesn't matter how old they are. Nell was 19.

42:36Dearbhla Mescal:Yeah.

42:37Davina McCall:She was my...

42:38Dearbhla Mescal:Really tough. So what? How did you do it? Well, we had to... I knew I was going into hospital and I knew the kids would be ringing me and talking to me. So you can't pretend that you're not in hospital. And I was supposed to be going to Paris with now to see Coldplay. She had got me these tickets and I was so excited. And and I had to kind of say to her, so I knew I had to say, we're not going to Paris and we're not going to see Coldplay. So I got on a WhatsApp video. Family call for everybody.

43:18Davina McCall:And we had done everybody.

43:20Dearbhla Mescal:Yes, with us all. and what's funny is like most of the time when we're doing video calls it's who's got the news what news you know it's usually kind of good news and stuff and the other thing I did feel was I didn't know the journey I didn't know the cancer I knew I this is what I was doing and I was about to go into this journey so I couldn't give them all the answers and

43:51Dearbhla Mescal:I was standing outside a shop.

43:53Davina McCall:You remember where you were standing? It's funny, isn't it? These moments where you absolutely clear as day.

43:59Dearbhla Mescal:Clear as day. And I remember Danica coming on the call and him being in New York. And Ireland had just beaten New Zealand in the rugby. And he was like so, like he was so excited. Like, what are you doing talking to me? I'm here having a great time. Wow. Wow. And knowing these words were going to have to come out of my mouth. And also it's a bit like. You can't play around with the words. No. You've got to be really honest because. That's the other part for me that. I'm about to go into this journey. It is full on. This is me. I'm going to be in it. and I'm going to tell you exactly what's happening so that we're not you're not getting hedged you're thinking I'm not telling you the whole story because that's that's not well it's also that's not how we as a family work so I knew that I couldn't pretend everything was fine so I mean I was I told them it was a good cancer which of course they cursed and said there's no such thing as good cancer So that was a conversation.

45:13Dearbhla Mescal:And then I realised so that was my soft entry. And then I realised, OK, let's, you know, I'm going for tests. This is what's happening. I'm under a great doctor and we're going to be I'm going to be fine. I don't know what length it's going to be or whatever. And Danica, you know, said and the other thing that happened was they kind of each went off screen. you know when you're on your phone everybody's kind of it's your big face in a family WhatsApp but they were going off screen because they were hurting and I was trying not to hurt them because we don't want to hurt them oh fuck and yeah I remember that I remember them going off screen and me trying to go but it's going to be fine I'm going to be fine everything's going to be fine it's all right I'm holding everything I'm holding everything.

46:07Dearbhla Mescal:Everything's going to be fine.

46:08Davina McCall:That's a really hard part of having cancer and being a mum and minimising what you're going through. Yeah. Completely. Completely. And then you go into fight mode.

46:28Dearbhla Mescal:You just go into fight mode.

46:30Davina McCall:Do you know what's interesting with that, I think, is that you and I, I think, are quite similar people in that, you know, you find joy. I'm always trying to find kind of gratitude. Similar kind of thing, really, I guess. Yes. Appreciating something. And I remember coming back from hospital. I hope you don't mind me. No. But I came back from hospital. I found out I had the lumpectomy and then I got the call and they said it was cancer. and I talked to Michael about it. And I said, but you know, this is quite good. It's like the universe has punched me in the face and it's like letting me let go of the brain tumour and I can move on.

47:12Davina McCall:And he looked at me and he went, it's all right to be angry. And I went, I'm not angry. I think it's actually going to be what I need. And he went, Davina, it's all right to be angry. I went, no, no, honestly, I feel like I'm really going to... And then I was just like... I got rid of it and I picked up a fucking cushion.

47:32Dearbhla Mescal:I can't even imagine. Yes.

47:35Davina McCall:You know when you think...

47:36Dearbhla Mescal:Because you've got to deal with this now again.

47:39Davina McCall:It's a fucking... Why the fuck? And it was... I don't let myself do that. Ever. Ever. And it's primal. Yes. It comes from inside. Oh, my God. It felt so good. Yeah. And when I'd finished... I mean, I've been fucking punching cushions and throwing things and screaming at him. Yeah. And crying and he's just standing there and he's just watching me. And then at the end of it, he goes.

48:09Dearbhla Mescal:And you fell into him. Like just like. Because you need to be held. Yeah. But you needed to let go. You need to go. But it's like. Yeah. It was amazing. Yeah. Yeah. And I partnering well, because it's so easy to partner when it's all, you know, sunshine and rainbows. It's when it gets dark and, you know, they're holding like Paul, like literally physically held me, rubbed on my back when it was hard. And when, you know, your head even feels heavy. Like I couldn't even get over how heavy my head felt. Really? I was like going, oh my God, you know, it was. God, how weird. It was the weirdest, like it felt like it was balancing on my neck.

48:57Dearbhla Mescal:Like it was felt. So there was. I was public about it. I spoke to the kids and I said, I'm going to talk about my journey. I don't know why I wanted to do that.

49:08Davina McCall:Yeah.

49:08Dearbhla Mescal:What are you now looking back? Because they're all in my highlights. So I've saved them, which is I haven't gone back. which is here's another thing I'm four years so I'm two years post transplant stem cell transplant and and can we just let everybody know where you're at now I'm in remission so I'm I'm really doing very very well and I'm blessed with the care that I got and the love I'm held in yes I don't take that for granted I truly don't I don't take the love of my kids for granted.

49:59Dearbhla Mescal:Because as much as cancer was happening to me it was happening to them. Yes. And which there was there is periods where you are so focused on taking the tablet or taking the injection or all the things you have to do to stay well. that their journey kind of gets a little bit, it's kind of like your journey's here and their journey's kind of spinning off slightly.

50:26Davina McCall:I completely, completely know what you mean. That you, this is the problem with being ill. Yes. Because you're alone. Yes. And everybody else is together. Yes. But only you can go through this. And only you are. Weirdly, sometimes a bit lonely. It's lonely. It's like being lonely

50:45Dearbhla Mescal:but not alone. But not alone. Because you know you're not alone. You know, I knew. It's such a mad. It is very mad and it's and, you know, so recently I cut my hair. And. I totally had.

51:07Dearbhla Mescal:Like my hands are kind of shaking.

51:14Dearbhla Mescal:Grief. I think it's grief. Grief came calling. That I suddenly am looking at myself and I'm going, oh, my God, this is like, you look like you did when you were coming out of cancer, which, of course, I don't. I know I don't. Like in my head, I know I don't. But it was this. I couldn't explain it. It was it just came from inside, you know, and like Nell was in Nashville. last week so when I phoned her I was I was like and I obviously I go to therapy thank the Lord and she you know we worked through it like we had the conversation that I didn't grieve I didn't grieve cancer I still to this day you know when you talk about my 50s believe cancer was gifted to me and I and I do see it like that which I which I know sounds ridiculous but it stopped me in my tracks it made me refocus it made me grateful for the body like I made me grateful to be able to hold my skin to inject it you know to to embrace my belly to tell me how you did that I love yeah this idea of you learning to love love it was Paul took a picture of me We had gone on a little break down to Colonna Kilty and I wasn't very well, but we were going away and we just went away for the weekend.

52:48Dearbhla Mescal:And I I love to see it swim in the sea. And I got into the sea and as I was coming out of the sea, he took a picture. I didn't look like a James Bond woman. It was totally a 53 or two year old woman getting out of the sea, you know, trying to get up over the ledge. So, you know, and it was this but this person that I put it up as a joy. Actually, I shared it that this was me. Fully and completely me. In my skin, the saggy arms, the, you know, like not tanned. in a mummy swimming suit. Like, you know, it was like a. You know, one piece, ordinary, just me. It was like I could see Dervla. I could see.

53:45Dearbhla Mescal:The whole woman who had been gifted three children, who had fought with her the whole of my life, like the whole of my life, like. Too big, too small when I was never too small, but always too big. you know, and trying to fit into my uniform. And I had a big uniform and I had a small uniform. And it was always like, kind of be good to be in the small uniform. So this constant battle. And suddenly this is the body that was in the battle of my whole life. That lover.

54:25Dearbhla Mescal:So I fell in love with myself.

54:33Dearbhla Mescal:that was the gift of cancer for me

54:39Dearbhla Mescal:I fell in love with her strength I saw beyond the wrinkles you know and I think

54:50Dearbhla Mescal:there was huge joy in that huge huge joy in that

54:59and I I you know, it did.

55:03Dearbhla Mescal:You know, my cancer came literally I was eight months to retirement. So I literally was fighting cancer in the middle of my retiring. So I retired in the middle of cancer.

55:18Dearbhla Mescal:And I did a small bow out, if you know what I mean, I didn't make a big. It was just like step out of that life. And. I.

55:31Dearbhla Mescal:I came home to myself. I love that. Which I really did. Yeah, I can see that. You know? I can see it. It was, you know, you know, when you have cancer, whatever cancer it is, because everybody's cancer is different, it's like your fingerprint. Everybody's cancer is different and everybody's journey is different. This, it is a... I feel for me, the gift that it was for me was that I could begin again. Sorry. Sorry, there you go. I could begin again. Literally, hair gone. Yes. New hair is going to come back. Yes. And I was in stem cells. So my whole blood was being renewed. So I was literally starting again.

56:30I was from my blood.

56:34Dearbhla Mescal:It was from scratch. Wow. And I kind of said, this is a serious gift. But also, what about like, who am I? And that's the thing.

56:52Dearbhla Mescal:I had to re-engage with myself. I had to, you know, like when I was in hospital and I used to go into isolation for my particular treatment and.

57:08Dearbhla Mescal:People were DMing me. Mess like joys, like somebody from the Shetlands sent me their clothes blowing in the wind. Wait, wait, I'm going to start crying.

57:22Davina McCall:Wait, people are sending you joys. People were sending you.

57:24Dearbhla Mescal:Yes. people people who I'll never meet I will don't know and they were sending me joys like so like my joys had had come full circle oh my god how and it was that was real that like that like that's that to me was

57:45Dearbhla Mescal:that people the empathy people had wasn't about cancer it was about me knowing how much I loved being outside and being in my joys that people were saying well she can't be there so I'm going to send them to her. So these were like you know like very ordinary things. Really ordinary things. Tell me some of them. Can you remember some of them? Yeah I go I can. A mother I think in Auckland sent me her child just a picture of you know those duck wellies? Yes yes. Jumping in a puddle. like just the wellies in a puddle people daffodils like the sea because the sea is like just a place for me but I distinctly remember the Shetlands because they don't get much sun and this was a sunny day and the wind was blowing so this lady was getting her sheets dried and I I

58:51Dearbhla Mescal:I obviously didn't see them automatically like I was I was quite ill so I was looking into them you know

59:03Dearbhla Mescal:periodically and uh I

59:08Davina McCall:strangely I knew I was going to be well I knew what wait can you talk to me about that because I I do feel like that is a thing. Yeah. That I think as we get older, you know, you've talked a bit about your younger years and not really liking yourself. Yes. Having a lovely body, but not liking it. Yeah. You know, and as you've got older, you get more wrinkles and you get this. Psychic skin. Preppy skin. But you don't care. Like you like, in fact, not that you don't care. You love it. Yeah. Like you love yourself. and how lovely that is. Oh that's so empowering.

59:46Dearbhla Mescal:I mean if I could say to every every person man, woman and everything between to love the bones of yourself is the biggest gift to yourself and you know if we're talking about parenting to gift that to your children that that knobbly knee or that crooked ear or that, you know, whatever your gorgeous divine quirk is, that if you love it, it first of all makes life so much easier in every way because loving yourself means that you're open to everybody else's love. You know, it's a no-brainer. Like, it's very hard to love somebody who doesn't love themselves. It's the hardest thing in the world because you're trying to get in to tell them how wonderful they are and they don't see it.

1:00:50Dearbhla Mescal:So. I think I hope I've gifted my kids that.

1:00:56Davina McCall:That as an outsider. Yeah. And. Having read a little bit about them. I. You have. Yeah. And I think, you know, you have.

1:01:08Dearbhla Mescal:Yeah.

1:01:09Davina McCall:I. I think. I don't mean that in an arrogant way. No, no, no. There are things in your heart. Yes. Like we were just talking about. I was trying to say that in your 50s, you do kind of get to know yourself. If you shut your eyes and you think, what should I do? You always know the answer. Don't you?

1:01:28Dearbhla Mescal:You know it even before you shut your eyes. When you're at the age we're at, being empowered should be shared. and when you sit in company with women similar ages there is such wisdom but we're all going through something so similar something so similar but also so dramatically different in the sense that we've landed here like you land in your mid 50s suddenly like it is sudden because I don't remember travelling to here but you know I kind of landed here and I'm like going oh my gosh I'm actually 57 I'm 57. I'm halfway to somewhere. I don't know where that is, but suddenly I'm able to say. I don't know where the next thing is, whereas all the other stages are got to get down, they've got to get that exam and then we've got to go and then they go to college and then we've got to go and we've got to make sure and it's this list, this never ending list.

1:02:32Dearbhla Mescal:And now I don't have a list. now I get to sit listen to myself close my eyes and say does this feel right if it doesn't feel right I think there's a whole phase of my life where I said I mean yes I was a yes parent but I said yes to a lot of things that I didn't really want to engage in because I wanted people to like me I wanted you know I wanted people to think I was a good mum because I was making the soup for whatever blessed reason that was. You know, the kids only wanted chips. But we're making soup, you know. And I said yes. And I think I'm learning to say, I'm learning to say no. I'm learning to be okay with the no.

1:03:28Dearbhla Mescal:I am. How liberating. And that is hugely liberating. Is it? Hugely liberating. And it's scary because if you say no, obviously there's a fear of missing out. You know, oh, if I say no, you know, gosh, you know, will they will they ask me another time? Because, you know, there's a whole period where you say, oh, I go to that because, you know, they may not ask me again. So now I'm saying no in the basis that, well, if they don't ask me, I'm OK with that. my friendships I think that's another thing that in your 50s you kind of doing that you kind of know who your people are and you don't need any more people no like this like I don't need a crowd I just don't need a crowd I need my people I have my people and sometimes you know I do I do worry that I'm getting to really like my own company a lot so there's a lot of quiet time that I never I would have wanted noise all the time to feel seen to feel heard no I don't necessarily need that I need Paul so there's a need I need Paul you know that's nice to hear yeah I need him I need to be able to sit and get cross with him because he's on TikTok again and you know he's sharing another thing into the family WhatsApp that you're all going oh my gosh like ludicrous but you love him

1:05:11Davina McCall:I can hear that you know very much so

1:05:17Dearbhla Mescal:he's my person god isn't that lovely well done I know I'm very lucky I'm you know you're not lucky Paul says that all the time

1:05:32Davina McCall:young Paul says that all the time he's not lucky, you work it you did and you have and you do I think as well men and women when they have children and they come together and they both parent this child and then it does feel like men often can keep their identity much more easily than women can completely I was thinking I have complicated dreams Yes Exactly that

1:05:57Dearbhla Mescal:I facilitate Yeah Paul My husband Really Should have probably Been an actor Himself That's all Like his His grow was always Or his love Was always What did you just Grow Grow Sorry Is that an Irish word Irish for love His grow Yeah his grow Passion His grow Oh I love that Sorry I'll remember that And You know And so I said to him Well you know Go And so we We were a very young couple and he went off and learned acting, went to school to see if that was something. And then he wanted to fly and he's now a flying instructor. So like I facilitated. Yes.

1:06:41Davina McCall:But at the same time at your expense in a way. Yes. Well, nobody did it back to you. Well, it's not that he should.

1:06:49Dearbhla Mescal:No, actually, yeah. I didn't. What do you want? I didn't ask I didn't say it I didn't take up space to say it and it's funny because when the book kind of started to become you know viable people were wanting this and could I do this should I do this could I, should I and we were going up for Christmas so last Christmas 12 months we spend Christmas together the five of us and we're in the van going up and the kids first of all we're is legitimate like is this going to be legitimately your words your you know yes it's not going to be played around with no or edited edited exactly so that was something that they were concerned about.

1:07:52Dearbhla Mescal:And then the other thing they were concerned about was that once you put yourself out, you can't put yourself back in. And that's true. And you are open to

1:08:01Davina McCall:other people's opinions. And of course. And I guess, you know, two of them. Yes. So I have two public facing. Yeah, they would understand

1:08:11Dearbhla Mescal:what that feels like. Yeah, exactly. And also very protective. And so that was their biggest concern. That... I'm always going to look at the comments. I look at the comments when people say stuff about my kids all the time. I'm getting better at it. Definitely getting better at it. I'm. Taking. Anxiety became my friend at 50. What do you mean by that? Oh. I didn't know I was ever. I'd never thought about it. I didn't give space for anxiety. I didn't know that it exists. I'm too busy. I was too busy to even acknowledge you. If you were there, I don't know. I'm so sorry I missed you. But at 50, that was the big...

1:09:03Dearbhla Mescal:Again, I wrote a piece on my 50th birthday that she came into the room and she was at the table. This whole person filled with anxiety. I got anxious about car spaces. Would I get a car space? In the biggest shopping centre, you know, ludicrous things. And obviously you shared menopause and that was part of my menopause journey. I didn't know that. I knew so little about this body that I inhabit. So when anxiety came, anxiety came at 50 2020 came you know normal people landed the world kind of changed everything was changing and I

1:09:59Davina McCall:so that all happened at the time of lockdowns Covid yeah it's quite terrifying all of that yes I mean it's big

1:10:07Dearbhla Mescal:Covid was huge yeah big like in our children's lives Yeah, everybody's life. Everybody's life. And actually, it's kind of it's kind of surreal now to even look back. You sort of go, we all did that. We we all, you know, sheltered in place and we did what we needed to do.

1:10:26Davina McCall:Can I ask you something about your kids? Yeah. And so what they what they make of the book?

1:10:33Dearbhla Mescal:Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:38Dearbhla Mescal:They are. They look at. They see me. The fears they had went when they realised that it was their mommy's work. Yes.

1:10:50Davina McCall:That nobody had messed about. Nobody had messed about.

1:10:52Dearbhla Mescal:Yeah, good. That I was trusted. Which I did. Definitely I felt trusted. And I also did find my voice in. discussing what I wanted.

1:11:06Davina McCall:Right. And you got strung.

1:11:08Dearbhla Mescal:I did get strung. Yeah, good. It's quite an interesting thing that... Because if you'd have done it in your 40s or your 30s... Oh, well, it wouldn't have happened. Because I wasn't the person I am. Yeah. You know, I also hadn't gone through the journey. There's a journey in that. You know, people talk about chapters of your life. That's... Joy will be a part of my life forever because. It is a practice. Yes. And it has become. Now, I'm also very lucky. I live with a glass half full. Yes. And that's a very precious gift. But you don't think it's because of this? No, I think I would have always been a glass half full.

1:11:57Dearbhla Mescal:I think what happened was my glass started to to seep. because I was so busy. So I wasn't filling my cup. And so that's where the practice of joy came to filling it. But I am very aware that I come from a place of it's going to be great. I do believe that. Like I believed that with my kids.

1:12:25Davina McCall:It's going to be great. Nell. Yes. Has actually sent us something. And she wanted to read one of the moments of joy from your book. And she said that she thinks that you might know the one that she's going to read for us. Hi, Mum.

1:12:57Dearbhla Mescal:Hi, Davina.

1:12:59Davina McCall:I hope you're having fun and you're not too nervous mum but I was asked to read something from your book Finding Joy and immediately knew I feel like you'll know which one I'm going to read but this is my favourite it's called The Kiss I waved for my row you didn't see me I blew you a kiss at your bow it never found you I watched as you searched your eyes locking hers and my heart melted. The love you have for each of our children is all I ever wanted for them. To feel that kind of love, I believe, helps you love, helps you navigate the world and all the loves they will have in it. It's the love of stories and fables.

1:13:37Davina McCall:It's a love that shows up, that will hold you up, that will gather you when the path is uneven or if you aren't sure. Yes, you missed my kiss but I rejoice in the joy of knowing our children know a love such as yours. That's from my mum's book and I'm very proud of her and I'm so excited for her. And yeah, she's one of my joys. So hope you're having fun. Bye. Love you. Can I just say something? What a gorgeous girl. What does it mean to hear her say that? About you, how proud she is and about...

1:14:21Dearbhla Mescal:Oh my gosh. she's or all of them but she she's

1:14:31Dearbhla Mescal:she's so incredible

1:14:37Dearbhla Mescal:that particular

1:14:42Dearbhla Mescal:musing or rambling was her daddy was on stage and he he was looking for her like he looked for her and he found her and I was you know waving at him and blowing kisses and then I realised like that's you want you want your children to have that love like you know you want them to have that grand gesture kind of love that just sucks them up and breathes them in and Loves them completely. Yes. You know, warts and all. And Nell is like, she has had her own journey. Like she had, so one of the honors of my life as a parent. Yeah. Nell had scoliosis. Oh, yes. And I got to spend five days in hospital with this child of mine.

1:15:48Dearbhla Mescal:watching her walk again and do all the things and

1:15:57Dearbhla Mescal:she's she's part of me I know that she's the bravest part of me

1:16:09Dearbhla Mescal:actually all my kids are pretty brave

1:16:12Davina McCall:sounds like it yeah they're all brave it's because they're sorry I've got you in them. I've got one more thing. I don't want to break you though. I'm a bit worried I'm going to break you, Dervla, but I've got something else for you as well. What is that? Just brace yourself, okay? Yeah. A little birdie told me that you were a plan.

1:16:37Davina McCall:I'm not even going to tell you his name because when you see this, you'll know.

1:16:53Davina McCall:He won the Oscars I was in the Oscars He sent you such a sweet message as well He sent you lots of love And he said what a wonderful thing that you do I know Charlie Macassie I'm just going to say it for anybody listening Has done you a beautiful Oh my gosh. Drawing. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, it's such a pleasure. You really deserve it.

1:17:23Dearbhla Mescal:Oh my gosh, I'm blown away.

1:17:26Davina McCall:Yeah, well, well done for making, having such a beautiful, positive impact on people's lives.

1:17:31Dearbhla Mescal:Thank you.

1:17:31Davina McCall:You know, I know you were kind of helping yourself, but... Yes, yeah, filling my cup. We're very grateful to you. You're a beautiful woman. Thank you for talking to us. We love you. We love you. Love you. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. You filled my cup so... I'm brimming.