Your Ultimate Guide To Starting Over!

0:00Are we ready?

0:05the entire reason i started begin again is i want our listeners and viewers to have the opportunity to start over and over and over so that they can live a life that they love and that they have loved and that they feel proud of and i want everybody to believe that they can find the thing

0:58It's Rita everyone! Ladies and gentlemen, the building!

1:14Can you believe it? One whole year of Begin Again. Over the past 12 months, we've had the honour of sitting down with some really incredible guests. people who've taught us how to start over, how to move when we feel really stuck and how to find light when things feel dark or uncertain. We've looked at everything from grief and love to dating, careers and of course the magic of midlife and for this very special episode we thought we'd give you something back because none of this would have been possible without your support, your shares, your comments and most powerfully your own begin-again stories.

2:01So thank you so much for those. Honestly you've moved us so much just time and time again and we really really love you. So today as a little treat we've put together a guide of the most unforgettable advice, wisdom and golden nuggets that we've been gifted over the past year. One of the very first conversations we had was on a topic that's as beautiful as it is complicated, and that's love. And very few people speak to that better than Paul C. Bronson. He helped us reframe dating in a way, and especially in midlife, not as a compromise, but as a chance to connect more deeply than ever before.

2:47so you said something earlier about guys looking for somebody half their age plus seven and women looking for somebody older how are we ever going to meet each other in our 50s if that's the case our 40s 40s 50s in midlife yeah well one is that's the old slowly going away has it gone away no but that's that's one yeah that's one secondly is is on upside is there are more people in the 50 plus dating market looking for partners than ever before ever before uh so i mean half of me is quite sad about that but half of me is quite happy because for the 50 and 40 year olds like well done yes yeah and and the reason why i feel so happy i'm i'm more happy okay because all right I'm going to connect it to research.

3:36Yeah, yeah. So Eli Finkel out of New York has done some research around the satisfaction rate in relationships, in marriages. He found that 80 % of marriages today are not, they don't feel satisfied with their partner. 80 %? 80. Oh, my God. 80%. That's sad. 80%. Whereas 20 % feel as satisfied or more satisfied than ever. Now, what does that mean? And how do I relate that to being happy with the 50 plus market? So to me, that means, okay, the 20%, this is great. And they're probably so happy because they have so many tools today, so many great podcasts, et cetera, to listen to. This is good. The 80 % are not satisfied, but they're staying in the relationship anyway.

4:26So when I see people break away from that relationship, typically I'm happy. what I'm really sad about are those that stay. You know, it's one thing to be alone, but it's another thing to be in a relationship and still feel alone. That is just incredibly sad. So if you are 50 plus single sexy out here, I'm like, okay, yes, you go get yours now. You go get yours. And the beauty is you could get yours any way you wanted. You don't have to get married. You can have a committed relationship. You can choose to have a polyamorous relationship. You could choose to have whatever formation you want, but you now have the availability to do it.

5:14And because there are more 50 plus than ever before, the pool is larger. There's more tools now to connect. So from that standpoint, I'm optimistic about that. The other thing is when you look at the ages in which people are getting married, you still have the, I think, mid-30s is the number one age range for marriage. But number two is right around 50. So you have a lot of people who have reentered the dating market for whatever reason, empty nest, et cetera. And they're deciding and they're finding partners. and they're finding partners and they're entering relationships that are much stronger than any relationship they've ever had.

5:59It sounds like you and your wife talk a lot, you know, and I, and I, it always makes me laugh, this idea of a couple being married for such a long time. And then, you know, sometimes people say to me, like, it's got to the point where he'll go, fancy a shag tonight. You know, like it's literally that kind of, that's foreplay. And then, But actually, if they said having a drink or something on a sofa, I'm trying to picture kind of how that could sound better. It would be like, if I was to take you to bed tonight, what would you like me to do to you? Or what would you like to do together? And you go, what are you talking about?

6:35And you go, I'm just asking. And then you start talking about it. And then bang, like you're already in the mood. Yes. So you know what the issue here is? And this is something that, guys, fellas, we have to stop this. or I'm sorry, we have to appreciate this, is that we are all turned on. And when I say turned on is there's what's called spontaneity, spontaneous sex. And then there's others who it takes us longer to, let I say, warm up to sex. I think that's men and women, isn't it? Exactly. Men and women. So there's a big gender difference. And then also in terms of age. So, fellas, if you have a wife and she's in her 40s or 50s or 60s, you coming home and saying, let's get it on right now, it's not going down the way that you want it.

7:26So that's one thing is that we have to appreciate that. The other thing is that we have to step outside of the script. Now, there is a standard script that happens in heterosexual sex. and what happens is you could imagine if that is what you're used to and you're a woman who doesn't climax as a result of that there's no orgasm as a result of that and we know that there's a massive orgasm gap you know that after that has happened time and time and time again you're not going to want to do it you don't want it definitely you don't want that you definitely don't want to secretly go upstairs find your toy make yourself happy good night good night you much rather than toy.

8:01You know, men, we have to understand that this is happening. It's not about us. It is about we in this. That it's like, when you do these things together, it opens up the opportunity to talk and discuss. Right. So this is so absolutely incredibly important. The other thing I'd like to say, um, to, I mean, I guess in same sex marriages for women, I guess it would be the same thing, but I think intrinsically a woman would understand a woman and a woman's needs. But is that sometimes for women foreplay is literally like cooking a meal together in the evening. You get home or asking how the day was, saying, would you like a glass of wine or shall I make you a cup of tea?

8:46That is foreplay because if you've had an evening where you've not communicated at all, you get into bed and you go, right, let's. Even if you're not saying Francis Shag, but the hand goes on the back, you think, I know what this means. I know. I see that play out so many times that actually the whole evening is foreplay. If you think that you want sex, like, warm us up, you know, it's like that's so important. What I say is that foreplay begins the moment that sex has ended. That's really where it begins. You are so right. For the next time, right? For the next time. Absolutely. Yes, Paul! This is it.

9:32This is it. This is it. Oh, my God, that is so good. That's where it begins. Oh, that's actually made me feel amazing. Like, I just think that is actually it. How nice would that be for so many women if suddenly, like, the guys were behaving as if even if it was coming in two or three days' time, it's like, I'm going to start right now. Paul's advice. just lands doesn't it and I love that bit about foreplay so good he doesn't over complicate things and he really helps us see love with fresh eyes especially when we think we've seen it all already now speaking of love we've got to talk about sex one of my all-time favorite guests and I know so many of you would agree was the one and only Cindy Gallop she lit a fire in all of our bellies showing us how to unlock our truest selves through sexual confidence and honesty

10:32what i'm talking about is identifying your core values and okay so in life not not just around sex no no no no okay in in life yeah but but i'll come on to how that applies to sex you know um because when you do that, I mean, first of all, that makes life so much easier. Life still throws you all the shit it always will, but you know exactly how to respond to that shit in any given situation in a way that is true to you. Yes. And that really is the secret of happiness, living your life, working your work in a way that is always true to your values. And when you do that, when you know you're being true to yourself, you do not care what anybody else thinks.

11:11That gives you confidence because you know you're always being true to you. Cindy, hold my hands again. Wait. I've just had a feeling.

11:22Oh, my God. I feel like I'm going to cry. Sorry. Oh, my gosh. That's amazing. I'll tell you why. I think what you're describing is somebody genuinely being themselves. Absolutely. Absolutely. And how there's something. My partner became Michael last year. I think I saw it happen. we were at a party and something happened and I looked at him and I was like oh wow like look how happy like he was kind of throwing some shapes he was doing this thing and I was like oh my god he's so free and I had a lot going on last year I know I'm so glad you came through that and I spoke to him this year New Year's Eve and he's like right this year it's going to be a great year and I said this year last year I watched you become you and I said this year I'd love to really really become you because part of me has always been a people pleaser which is slightly doing things that other people want me to do or expect me to do get over that and from that not letting go and I've had a couple of revelations already in January that have been absolutely amazing what you're describing there setting out your values.

12:44What it did was it made me feel the possibility of really, that's what it spoke to me. That's what I felt you were telling me. Good. Wow. Okay. I'm okay. I've swallowed it. Good. I haven't cried. Let's crack on. Good. Because there's a second very important part of this. Because, so I designed my business, Make Love Not Porn, around all my personal beliefs and philosophies, one of which is, as I've just said, that everything in life starts with you and your values. So I regularly ask people this question, what are your sexual values? And nobody can ever answer me because we're not taught to think like that.

13:25Our parents bring us up to have good manners, a work ethic, sense of responsibility, accountability. Nobody ever brings us up to behave well in bed, but they should because in bed values like empathy yes sensitivity generosity kindness honesty trust respect are as important as those values are in every other area of our lives where we're actually taught to exercise them and so you know this is a concept of good sexual values that we're pioneering at make love not porn because as i say it is bizarrely alien to the world and to popular culture, but it's simply about being yourself across every area of your life and your experience, including your sex life.

14:13And there are, you know, to your point about people pleasing, Davina, and that absolutely goes on in bed, there are an awful lot of people out there having very bad sex, not having the sex they want to have, because they have not looked within themselves, identified what they value in a sexual context, and set out to have that part of their lives be as true to themselves as ideally every other part should be. I think what's interesting when you think about that is that there are so many different aspects to sex that for some people would be 100 % acceptable. So, you know, I guess you could go from somebody who loves just totally vanilla sex, missionary position, doesn't really want to go far from that, that's where they feel happiest, to somebody who loves all the different positions, to somebody who is into BDSM.

15:13I mean, if you're into something from at that end of the range, the BDSM, it's going to be quite hard to find a partner. How do you lay that out at a date or something? So that's the really interesting point, Dabina, because actually it's not hard to find a partner because you can absolutely go to websites like, you know, FetLife or Field, to give just a couple of examples, which are specifically for people who want to explore, you know, kink, BDSM, you know, threesomes, etc. But I think the much more interesting thing to reflect on is precisely the question you've just asked, which is, you know, for example, on a first date, we are really happy going, oh, yeah, I like Thai food.

16:02Or I love vacationing in France. But we are not comfortable going, oh, yeah, and in bed, I really like this. Or it's really important to me that whoever I have sex with is this. And I mean, this is something that I and many other people, equally with sex-positive ventures and causes, are all trying to make it happen, which is make it as easy to talk openly and honestly about ourselves sexually as we do again with any other aspect of what we are into or what we're not into. And equally, by the way, you've discovered you like Thai food because you actually were brave enough to go to the local Thai and try it.

16:46Then you might have gone, wow, I love this. I'm going to go on vacation to Bangkok. So you explored. But again, a lot of people do not do that sexually and don't feel able to do that You know, because this is absolutely the universal air of human experience we're all most engaged with, most fascinated by and most fucked up about. And that means that you may never find out what you really, really enjoy because you're going, oh, it's kinky or, oh, my God, I can't possibly do that. And again, everyone should feel free to explore or not as they wish.

17:22I think so many of us absolutely adored Cindy because she gave us permission permission to be a bit curious unapologetic empowered no matter what our age or experience is anyway now something that I found deeply personal on this journey and he's just amazing on talking about resetting, rewiring, just changing the way that we see life. And he just does it so brilliantly. It's Robin Sharma. He reminded us that we get to choose how we start each day and how we carry ourselves through it.

18:11We're born into genius and too many good souls get resigned into ordinary. When we're little, When we're little kids, we don't hate. When we're little kids, we have a sparkle in our eye. When we're little kids, we love doing our art. When we're little kids, we are possibilitarians. And then we do get it knocked out of us. We are taught to think like everyone else. I mean, we don't celebrate the free thinkers, but I think free thinking in this world we live in is a radical act versus groupthink. But why do we get to 40, 50, or 60 and then start waking up again? I believe it's because we start to connect with our mortality.

18:54When we're 20 years old, we have a huge runway. We're never going to die is what we think. When we reach the halftime point of our life and when we start thinking about beginning again, we realize the shortness of life. And one of my favorite acronyms is KDC, keep death close. KDC, keep death close. And I have a morning protocol. And part of that protocol is asking myself a question. What needs to be said at the end? Yes. And I, because there are five things, right? You wake up in the morning. Amazing. And that's the last one. Right. So tell me, what do you mean by that? I was, that was going to be one of my questions too.

19:35It's weird that, well, there's nothing weird. This is completely as it's supposed to be. What does that mean? So the tool is the five, just to be of service to your many viewers and listeners, the protocol as part of the morning routine is called the five question morning maximizer. And these are five questions to ask yourself each morning and then just write a paragraph or two in your journal. And my clients have found it really valuable to be happier and more focused and more alive in their days. So the first question is, what am I grateful for? We know that gratitude is the antidote to fear.

20:10Second question is, where am I winning? So we start celebrating some micro wins because the human brain has a negativity bias. We're always looking for what's missing and what's not working. This reframes it. Third question is, what must I let go of? Yeah. And we can talk about, you know, one of the great spiritual skills or leadership skills is learning to let go. Learning to let go of betrayals, disappointments, the past. fourth question is what does my ideal day had look like so you have a little script so you're setting some intentions and that brings us to the fifth question what needs to be said at the end and the more we can connect to the shortness of life the more we can connect to our mortality the more we're going to start to live to the point versus being busy being busy spending our days chasing trivial pursuits and i think if we could just connect to our mortality every morning and strip away complexity and administrivia and even holding back the love in our hearts, holding back on the things our instinct says we should do, but we're, oh, what if I fail?

21:16What if I'm laughed at? What if I look like a kook? And we just live from that instinct. I think we'd be so much happier in our lives. So when you say at the end, you mean at the end of our lives you know it's like how am I gonna feel on my deathbed I I turned down a job I fell in love at 50 and I turned down a job that would mean that I probably wouldn't be able to be with my boyfriend in the evenings because I'd have to get up so early to go to work because I thought to myself, on my deathbed, will I be pleased I did that job or will I be sad I didn't spend more time with Michael? And I thought, I want to spend more time with Michael.

22:03So it's quite good when you think of that, like, is that what you mean by that? That's exactly what I mean. Another little mental tool that I use is, thank goodness I'm healthy. but if I'm lucky, I have 25 years left to live, maybe 30. And so I call this my 25 summers question. So when I'm about to make a decision, I say, well, I roughly have 25 Christmases left, 25 summers. Wow, that's quite sobering when you say it like that. When you say it like that, you say, okay, I better get this done, or I better do this ethical ambition, or I better take this risk, or I better chase that love story. So I think death is not depressing.

22:53Thinking about death is not depressing. I think thinking about death is actually inspiring because then it just sharpens you on what's most important in life.

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23:38Oh, banger! Ollie! Guess what just happened? Somebody just walked past playing something, and I know I've been stuck on this bit of socials for ages. I'm going to put music to it. This is what I'm saying. Get outside, be inspired. It's more than just the birds and the trees. It's the people, the builders, the sounds, the smells, everything. Ollie, I love you. If you want to see more of Ollie, which I strongly suggest you do, go to the One Better guide on Adobe Express. Bye, I'm back to the studio. Thank you. Head to adobe.ly forward slash onebetter to lock your guide for free. I'm glad you've joined me for today's lecture.

24:18Today I'm going to tell you how to age disgracefully. Tell naughty jokes. Dress outrageously. Flirt outrageously. And take your collagen! So when I say take your collagen every day, I don't mean putting a little bit of cream on at night. I mean taking true collagen by our sponsors Ancient and Brave. They did a trial where 60 women were involved and all of them noticed a difference. They had an improvement in their skin elasticity and a reduction in their fine lines and wrinkles. Win! So what really, really sets Ancient and Brave apart isn't just their award-winning products. it is their absolute commitment to sustainability.

24:59They're a B Corp and proud members of 1 % for the planet. So that means that 1 % of their profits, which in fact they've just up to 2%, goes to helping environmental causes. So if you want to give them a try, head to ancientandbrave.earthslashplanet and if you want 20 % off your order, use code BEGIN AGAIN. One of the most radical and beautiful stories we heard actually came from Gail McNeill. She made the decision to give away everything she owned to find more, more meaning, more clarity, more peace.

25:45one day I went into a room and I went into this room and I thought when was the last time I was in this room and then I realized why are we living in this massive house it's not it's costing us lots of money to run but we don't need it there's two people and something happened to you in this room? I was in this room thinking, what am I doing? What? You know, I've got this huge house that I'm maintaining, painting and huge garden. There's two of us. You know, how long do I do this for? Do you know, how long do you do this whole kind of groundhog day? Because there's so much more to life. And you kind of realize, well, I've got two beautiful cars.

26:26I've got this beautiful house. I'm not doing anything. My son's off traveling the world. He's having an amazing time, I'm maintaining this house and working really hard to maintain this house. Right. So you were just working to fix the things, to feed the beast. Yeah, to feed the beast. Yeah. And it was like a loop. It was until I watched Up in the Air with George Clooney. He's got a lot to answer for, George. Because I was watching George Clooney and in it he says, imagine everything you own in a backpack. Now put your belongings in there, put your family in there, and imagine how heavy that is.

27:00I don't remember watching the rest of the programme, the rest of the film, because I was so stuck on that thought of holding everything I owned in a backpack. And I suddenly thought, oh, wouldn't it be amazing to get rid of everything I own? Wouldn't that be amazing? But I don't understand, Gail. Because I'm pre-you. You're still feeding the beast. I'm still feeding the beast. and I don't understand this is huge oh it's massive it's a massive thing I mean but I don't understand how that happened it these are huge changes that you're thinking about yeah but it can be just I'm I'm quite spontaneous yeah and it was just that it was just him saying that line imagine everything you owned in a backpack and I thought imagine if you could put everything you owned in a backpack how amazing how agile would you be you wouldn't be burdened because everything you own, you have to take care of it.