Dr. Tara: From Catholic School to Sex Professor: Breaking Shame Around Women’s Sexuality

0:01Dr. Tara:Are you having an orgasmic day?

0:12Well, talk about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Today's talk is about, I'm just going to say it's about sex.

0:23Dr. Tara:I teach sexual communication. I also teach statistics. Girl, I'm such a nerd.

0:32I would be a fool to think that my kids are not going to have sex. This is ridiculous.

0:38Dr. Tara:I'm polyamorous. I'm in a relationship with my partner in L.A. and my partner in London. Intercontinental lover. Fun fact about me is my family was in the porn industry. Welcome back to the BILF pod where authenticity trumps authority. We'll talk about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Today's talk is about, I'm just going to say it's about sex. We're going to talk not about sex, like sex said we learn in school, but we're going to talk about the raw, authentic, I mean, things that we never talk about. But I feel like, you know, this day and age, we can kind of talk about it and it really doesn't matter.

1:16So I just want to welcome an author, TV personality, professor. I mean, this chick has everything under her belt, But most importantly, it's going to help us understand the S word, sex. Welcome to the show, Dr. Tara. Woo! I'm so excited to have you. Hello. Thank you so much for having me. Are you having an orgasmic day? I think I am. I mean, just seeing you and talking about this, I don't know. I'm getting a little hot, which is like not even like me. So I don't know. I don't know. Already I'm getting a little, maybe I'm just uncomfortable.

1:49Dr. Tara:Oh my God. I always say like on days that I'm closing big deals, it's an orgasmic day. Or I'm going to start using that. Then I'll just get like more comfortable because I feel like I'm like, you know, I'm like super like outwardly sexual, but not like inwardly. If you get me alone, it's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, there's that there's that saying freaks in the street shy in the sheets. That is me. Versus like princess in the street freaks in the sheet, which is totally me because people think I'm such a girl next door. But whenever you like look at my Instagram or talk to me, you just know I'm a freak.

2:23I love that for you. And I love that you just embrace it. Like I'm a freak and it is what it is. But I have to ask you, we have to talk about this. So I know you're in academia five years ago, academia professor. How does one go from academia to where you're at now?

2:40Dr. Tara:yeah so I've been a professor for 15 years I've been a professor at Cal State University for 10 years and in in academia you work up to getting tenure like that's sort of the highest position if you think of like corporate world like in the academia world a tenure professor is the highest position you can go and usually it takes people you know six to ten years it took me five years to get tenure. So when I got tenure, I was like, oh my god, like what would be like a fun thing to do after this, like sort of my next goal. The students probably loved you. The boys probably loved you. Well, the girls as well, because you know, I'm here like dishing out all the tea, like spilling the tea.

3:25Dr. Tara:So yeah, basically, after five years, I earned tenure, my students were like, oh my god, you should have social media. You're so fun in class. And the world needs more sex education in general so I started social media and really that's where like everything came from because when I started social media about six months in I had like a hundred thousand followers on TikTok about one year in I had a million about two years in I had 1.5 so it sort of grew really really fast and with that influence on social media and becoming an authority in you know through authenticity in sexual wellness, the TV producers kind of just reached out to me and were like, are you interested in doing reality TV?

4:13Dr. Tara:Have you ever thought about it? I said, I have never thought about it. I'm just a professor. And they were, you are so interesting. You're really fun. You have a big personality. You should try it out. So the first show that I started with is a big British reality television show called Celeps Go Dating. And this was four years ago. And that's where you are right now, right? Yeah, I'm in London right now filming my fourth season. But basically, they were like, yeah, do you want to try a screen test? If, you know, if things don't align, it's fine. But if things work out, then this will be your first TV show.

4:48Dr. Tara:And the rest is history. So I finished, I'm finishing my fourth season of Celeps Go Dating. And then I have two more American shows, one on TLC, one on HBO that will be coming out this year as well. So in college, what classes were it? What was your what was your class that you were teaching? So I the class that I teach at Cal State University is called sexual communication. I actually teach two different classes. I teach sexual communication. I also teach statistics. So like sex and statistics. Why am I not surprised? I know I like I why am I just not surprised by that? I can only girl, I'm such a nerd.

5:27Dr. Tara:I love looking at stats about human relationships, human behavior, dating behavior, um, and like sexual behavior and sexual attitudes. It's super interesting. So my field is social science, human sexuality. So basically like statistical research within human sexuality. I learned so much. Like I conducted a large study based on 5 ,000 participants about what are the biggest predictors of long-term sexual satisfaction. Can you guess one of the predictors? I would say attraction. Yeah, attraction is definitely one of them. the biggest predictor is actually sexual communication. Ah, that makes sense.

6:19Yeah, communication in general.

6:21Dr. Tara:Yeah, because a lot of couples have never talked about their sex life. And that becomes a problem later on in their relationship. Now, growing up, so the way that I was brought up, I mean, we're a pretty open family. But I don't remember, at least, no, I know my mom. We weren't, like, we're open now. We talk about everything. It doesn't matter. But growing up, like sex was it wasn't off topic, but it wasn't on topic either. Did you grow up kind of similar or were your parents? I grew up in a very sexually repressed environment. Yeah. None of my parents or family members or friends ever talked about sex.

7:01Dr. Tara:I went to an all girls Catholic school. So actually, for the first couple of years of my like adolescent years, I thought I was a lesbian because I was in an all-girls school. And that's what you did in an all-girls school. You date other girls. Right. And then, yeah, and my family, my family is very religious. They're Buddhists. They're very religious. They go to the temple a few times a week. Yeah. Growing up, they've never talked about sex. And if there's like a sex scene in a movie on TV, they will fast forward it. Oh, my God. So what do they think about this now that, I mean, you're out there.

7:38You talk about sex. You have no shame. So what do they think?

7:42Dr. Tara:Oh, it took them a few years to get used to it. I'm pretty sure my dad still tells his friends that I'm a social science professor. That's so funny. She's a doctor. She's a doctor. She's a professor. Uh-huh. She is. Yeah. I mean, it's not a lie. But at the same time, I don't think he tells people like, oh, I teach about sex or I talk about sex online or I'm on TV talking about sex. You know, it's still hard for them. But you know what my mom is 69 years old and just a couple years ago I got her her very first vibrator she probably loves it and didn't want to say anything like she probably that was probably the best gift she ever received in her life she probably doesn't want to tell you she does she's in a much better mood these days so there you change you change the trajectory of your mom's whole life yeah exactly that is great was there like a moment when you knew whether you were going through school or whatever that you were like, you know what, like, this is what I want to do that, you know, I want, I really want to talk about sex and the importance of it between relationships.

8:40Was there like a defining moment? I think the defining moment for me was not having sexual compatibility in my first

8:51Dr. Tara:marriage and getting a divorce. Yeah. I was very ashamed of getting a divorce during that time because I was already teaching about it at a university, but I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. And now I learned I don't have respect for people that just talk the talk and don't walk the walk. Like you've got to do what you say. And at the time, like overcoming that big D, not the one that I like, the divorce, it was a very, very difficult and shameful time. I had to work on myself a lot to overcome that moment. And it took a couple of years. But afterwards, I feel like a brand new person.

9:36Dr. Tara:I always tell people, there is Tara before divorce, and there is Tara after divorce. And Tara after divorce is upgraded. She is Tara 2.0. She speaks her mind. She gives feedback. She is unapologetic. And I'm just being myself. And I'm having fun doing it. Like who cares? I love that. I'm divorced also. And I mean, I have a great relationship with my ex-husband in our, it didn't have anything to do with sex, but I agree with you after the divorce, you kind of start living when you're not living your truth. Then things become, you know, when you start to really embrace who you are unapologetically, whatever that looks like, I feel like your life is just so much better.

10:14You know, you really don't give a, you don't give a fuck what people think after a while. So I, I, I mean, look, sex is still, even like I'm embarrassed to say sex, you can kind of tell still, you know, as women, we think we're so progressive, but it's still like a weird, not weird. I don't want to say weird. It's not weird. It's still a taboo subject matter that people don't love talking about. So for you, I mean, and people, and it's still controversial because you have a lot, there's a lot of controversy surrounding sex. And when is the appropriate time? Like, do you talk to like, when is it appropriate?

10:45Do you get a lot of controversial comments and how do you deal with that?

10:49Dr. Tara:I get a lot of controversial comments um a lot of pushback but also a lot of creepy dms oh i'm sure i'm sure some creepy people send you stuff really creepy it's sort of collateral of what i do but it gives it gives a sense of you know people who are attractive and successful like they don't do that like the people in the dms that are sending like really explicit sex stuff like i mean and is this an explicit podcast i can give you whatever you want girl say i love it just keep it raw authentic keep going oh so we have things like i'm gonna come inside you yeah weird fucking shit like i don't know you and you know sometimes my team because i have a whole team on my social media they will like scroll through it and they'll be like who the fuck is this they will like click on it just to like look at the person and it's like someone's dad yeah weird and it's just the grossest thing like why do you think you have the privilege and right to send me that you like you think I will respond like come on so weird but do you think it's because and not first of all that's unexcusable but do you think people first well the internet makes it easy right because you can be whoever you want but do you think a lot of it has to do with society kind of shunning people on like their sexual desires, their sexual needs.

12:17Dr. Tara:1000%. It's the Madonna whore complex, right? Like you're either a Madonna, you're like this Virgin Mary, you're a girl next door, you're wifey material, and you're shy and innocent, right? Or you're a whore. If you're, you know, dress explicitly, if you talk explicitly, or, you know, people just think they can do like, they can say whatever they want they have the leeway it's that complex that's so toxic in our society it doesn't give women any like gray area yeah like you are multi-dimensional bad bitch like you can be you know uh let's say you can be someone that prays every day but also masturbate every day but also closing deals every day right a great mom and a great wife like you can be all these things but society as in general doesn't give room for women to be all these things.

13:09Dr. Tara:It's either you're good, you're a good woman, or you're a bad woman. Yeah, and same with religion. I don't think religion helps either because I believe like masturbation in religion is also a sin. And they, you know, people are scared to express, even today, as like as expressive as we are in 2026, people are still scared to come out and say, you know, I like sex. I wanna have sex with lots of men. And it's funny because I tell my daughter, I'm like, I don't tell her to go sleep around, but I'm like, Lily, go figure out what you want. Not necessarily sleep with everybody, but how do you know what you want until you get a taste of what's around you?

13:44It doesn't make you a whore. That makes you somebody that wants to explore and understand what you want because otherwise you're going to end up divorced.

13:52Dr. Tara:You're such a sex positive mom. And that's amazing because in research, we found that sex positive parents, meaning parents that are not shaming their kids for exploration for their interest for their curiosity tend to raise children or tend to raise young adults that make much better decisions I mean look this is ridiculous it's ridiculous to me I have an 18 year old and a 15 year old okay first of all they're both you know whatever they're doing their thing oh my god you look 28 how do you have an 18 year old I love you I love you you're my new best friend but I have two kids, right? And I would be a fool to think that my kids are not going to have sex.

14:32This is ridiculous. And the parents that think this, I don't care. This is controversial. Your parents, your kids are probably having sex if they're at that age or exploring some method of sex. So why are we not talking about it more with kids? Why, why are we making this like a taboo subject? So yes, we are very forward about it. We talk about it at the kitchen table. My kids are in, I have a girl and a boy, both are not afraid to tell me maybe a little, they tell me a little too much sometimes but I would rather them come to me ask me so at least we can properly educate and inform so there is no you know there's no shaming and they're never going to be in a situation especially my daughter to where she feels like she has to succumb to anybody's needs or wants or desires that she's uncomfortable with hell yeah I I want to give you like a thousand snaps it's important to say empowering that is so empowering and so hopeful for me as an educator to hear because in college, I always survey my students.

15:30Dr. Tara:Like how many of you have sex positive parents? And I give them a description, right? Like your parents talk to you about sex or your parents are available for you to come to them to talk about it. Like you feel comfortable to talk to them about it. Almost all of them said, no, I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about my sex and dating life. Like that is to me insane. It's crazy. That is insane. Like I would never want to be that kind of parent because what kind of parent are you that your kids can't come to you about the most intimate, one of the most important human things? I absolutely agree.

16:05And I never want, especially having a daughter. Look again, like I didn't, it wasn't like I couldn't come to my mom. It's just not something we spoke about. And I remember growing up and finding myself in precarious situations because I didn't know enough and I didn't understand enough and I wasn't comfortable enough. And the last thing I'd ever want from my daughter is to find herself in a position where she's uncomfortable because I feel like sex and Craig you know you're the expert sex is like your own personal relationship it's like your relationship with God that's your personal like whatever that is and entails that doesn't

16:36Dr. Tara:make you any less of a person absolutely sex is one of the most intimate human experience you can ever have in this lifetime and it's why we're here yeah right like people procreate for centuries and it's why we're here so when it's so shameful it's really doing humanity in general a disservice when it's more open-minded and we can talk about it have a conversation then people can explore explore more they can have more pleasure they can have a more fulfilling life in general and that fulfilling life is what I'm looking for. Yeah. I want in my life. I don't want a mediocre life. I want the most fulfilling, exciting, explorative life I can have.

17:26Dr. Tara:And that's why I love what I do. Do you think that sex is a huge part in a relationship? Yeah, I do. There is. Okay, let's let me step back a bit. There are two different love styles, right? And it's based on the Greek words, storge and eros. Storge lovers are friendship-based love, like companionship, partnership, meaning it's the people that can function together well. They don't really care too much about passion and sexual intimacy. They are companions. They're the best companions. And this is the storge lovers. Some people just experience love that way. They want friendship-based love. Some people, majority of the people are Eros lover, E-R-O-S.

18:18Dr. Tara:An Eros lover needs romantic attraction and sexual attraction in their relationship. It's like one of the main driving mechanism in the relationship. So if you are an Eros lover, but you go on a date and develop a relationship with a Storgay lover, you won't be happy because the Storgay lover is completely fine with a friendship-based romantic relationship for the long run. But an era of lovers... Do you help them navigate through that to where there's some happy medium? There is a happy medium. Ultimately, I talk about it in my book, which is called How Do You Like It? In my book, there's a whole chapter about erotic solutions.

19:03Dr. Tara:I'm not in the camp of like, oh, if you are sexually different, you are doomed. because you're not. Like there are so many differences in our lives, right? Like if my partner loves sports and I hate sports, it's not like we can't be together. Right. So there are solutions. Like for example, one of the sexual dimensions that you are. So if you look in the book, the first chapter is like, what is your sexual profile? And it's the sex personality test that I created. Once you take the test, it will tell you like who you are in bed and like the dimensions of it. One of the dimensions talk about being leaning towards monogamous or leaning towards flexible.

19:44Dr. Tara:A flexible person just is open-minded towards like including others in their sexual activity. It doesn't have to be an open relationship. It's just like flexible. If one person in the relationship is flexible but the other is completely entirely monogamous, meaning they will not allow a single person, other person in bed, like no threesomes, no exploration that way. what you can do that I that I talk about as an erotic solution like one of them yeah is watching POV porn together yeah because that's introducing another person in your sexual session in the bedroom without an actual person joining so that's like an example of an erotic solution I have so many different solutions for different problems in the book but that's just one of them do you find that couples that explore sexuality because I and I don't know I've heard this though like people that are open with their they have open relationships do you feel like do you think that their marriage is doomed or could they really any like an open marriage or could they really make it work to where it's an open marriage if you let other things and influences in there are people that are in very happy fulfilling open marriages and there are people that are in really toxic open marriages just like monogamy yeah um there's no you know which one is better i think both are great monogamy or non-monogamy as long as it's uh upfront honest and genuine and communicative and pleasurable because there are monogamous couples that i work with in my private practice that have been like you know one person has been cheating on the other for like years yeah right So monogamy has its own issue, a list of issues.

21:31Dr. Tara:And then non-monogamy also has its own list of issues. So I don't think there's better or worse. I have seen both. I've seen really healthy and happy monogamy and non-monogamy. And I love that because it goes to show, you know, whatever your relationship orientation is, you can be happy. And there's a difference. I think a lot of people didn't know. there's a difference between sexual orientation and relationship orientation yeah yeah and I think society makes it hard too because the way you're brought up at least the way that I was brought up is there's you know a man and a woman and that's really kind of it and the exterior things that are going on that's not really that's not really a thing so I love that you say so there's really no one size fits all that is right for a marriage every marriage is different and built on different things yeah I mean a couple that I worked with in the last three years they do like what is called like valentine's trip every year yeah where it's kind of like their hall pass and it's just that it's just February like the rest of the year they are monogamous so February they can go and just be with whoever they want so February is where they go abroad like usually they go to Amsterdam or they go to Paris together or separate both oh maybe I don't know maybe yeah they're and they're both like entrepreneurs they have their own businesses that work they work on the computer so they can like go do that every so every valentine's month they go and do that but the rest of the year they come back and they just function like a normal like monogamous couple so I think there's so many different configurations I think too what you're what you're really highlighting that we don't talk about enough is that there's no such thing as normal.

23:15Like that's not a real thing. Normal. It goes by the standard of whoever's living, whatever their life looks like. And for so long, we've created this like facade of what it should look like. But when in fact it doesn't work for everybody, do you think that's there, that's why there's a lot of divorce too, because we're trying to fit, we're trying to put a round, you know, a round peg into a square whole making it work because we're so worried about what everybody else thinks. So we find ourselves, I mean, I know for myself, you know, I'm always worried or I was not so much anymore. I'm always worried about what our families are going to think.

23:48Our friends are going to think if this gets out, if that comes out, but just, you know, listening to you, you make it just seem like very normal. Like it is what it is. You know, there's different things for different strokes for different folks. And that's okay.

24:00Dr. Tara:You are 1000 % right because it's the society that tells you here's a square like put your peg in there and you know you can be any shape you can be a star and it wouldn't fit the square yeah you can be a circle and it wouldn't fit the square and you would just live in a mediocre situation forever because you don't fit the square um that's why i'm so passionate about educating people that there are variations and different dynamics out there for whatever that you want to explore for your relationship whatever you want to explore for yourself there are there's a there's a long menu right we live in a society where there's only like two options on the menu when in fact the menu is long it's a big menu yeah and you can just pick whatever you want in this modern society although i do have to give a caveat there are places in the world that you literally can't do that or else you get yeah which is sad too that's a whole other It's really sad.