Alan Carr Turns 50: Kylie, Port & Pay Pig Revelations

0:01Alan Carr:This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app where you can bank, borrow, and invest. It's time to achieve your financial ambitions. Earn more on your savings with a SoFi Bank High Yield Savings Account. Ditch your higher interest credit card debt with a SoFi personal loan. Or start investing on an easy-to-use platform with SoFi Invest. Wherever you are on your financial journey, SoFi has got you covered. Learn more at SoFi.com slash Spotify.

0:30Alan Carr:I sold my car in Carvana last night. Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer, down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong. So, what's the problem? That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes to smoothie. I'm waiting for the catch. Maybe there's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think. Wow, you need to relax. I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood? I think it's laminate. Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough. Car selling without a catch. Sell your car today on... Carvana! Pickup fees may apply.

1:29Alan Carr:I'm drinking shortbread. Okay, I might be a bit pissed. What's the difference between an osteopath and a psychopath? I should have been baby. I don't touch myself to get a duvet. Dale! Dale! We just used to call them dits.

1:54Alan Carr:hello and welcome to an episode of bottoms up with alan carr and lee pitt yes life's too short for flat chat and warm opinions so grab a glass of something cold and fizzy and join us for a drink this is bottoms up do you like what i did there that was so smart you are you did something i never thought you could do. You're even creepier than you are. Thank you. I will say I've got Shenvy. Shenvy? What do you mean? Shenvy. What's that? Shirt Envy. For anyone who is listening on the podcast, Alan is wearing quite a delectable shirt, I will say. I thought you were going to take the piss out of it.

2:35Alan Carr:Well, I'm trying not to because I'm, you know, I'm rising above it. It's called fashion. It's a lovely shirt and it has coasters sewn to it. Yes, sewn looks like a pop back there a nice little coaster for your glass of port yeah why why are we drinking port I hear why why are we drinking port I hear people why are we drinking port this gives me the worst hangover ever that's why we're drinking it no we are drinking it because it was your birthday it's just been your 50th do I look happy birthday now be honest do I look more than 49 No. Now, we've had this conversation. I look good. You do look good.

3:18Alan Carr:I am as shocked as you are, but you look good. I don't look 50, do I? You don't. Do you feel 50? I don't feel 50. I don't. Do you have any, like... Do you see Madonna at the Met Gala? Yes. That's how I felt. Yeah, okay. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that's... I'm not sure that's a great thing. Oh, strapped to my head. A little bit frail. Well, listen. Being held up by seven women. With her.

3:46Alan Carr:we've we've had some uh gorgeous shortbread sent in by uh the shortbread society but this is from america i know i know what's the name of them they've sent this from the shortbread society it's christine and chef francis at the shortbread society thank you so much i'm already salivating over what looks like a kind of dubai pistachio chocolatey one um so yeah i was going to say go in for it but you've already started It's my birthday I can eat what I want It's not your birthday anymore So what Alan is eating there It's not my birthday Is a cherry Bakewell shortbread and Oh it's delicious It is Is it Is it nice Mmm Mmm It's so nice So nice Well The reason why we've got a port is because apparently it pairs very well with the billionaire's shortbread which is a buttery shortbread, thick Highland caramel, dark chocolate and a touch of salt.

4:43Alan Carr:So apparently Christine and Chef Francis, I believe, are originally from the Highlands, is that right? Or Scotland, is that right? I'm Scottish now, I've moved up there. Yeah, I wouldn't say you were Scottish now, but you have moved up there. My postcode is Scottish. Well, my postcode is Notting Hill, but it doesn't mean I'm Hugh Grant. It doesn't mean I'm Hugh Grant. Oh, sorry. Hugh Grant. government grant

5:13Alan Carr:anyway this is all about richness caramel butter and chocolate so we need structure and a little edge the old-fashioned brings bitterness and depth to cut through the sweetness that's what they're saying you can pair it with um but you can do the cherry bake with shortbread that's what i've just said well that apparently you can try it with a french 75 classic sidecar dry champagne or Prosecco or a crisp rosé. But the tawny port, which is this, what we've got here, works beautifully with the billionaire's shortbread because it echoes the caramel and nutty notes while still holding structure to keep it balanced.

5:48Alan Carr:So here we go. Here's to your... Look how gold it is. It's like Shirley Bassey should have these. Oh, it looks lovely. Here we go. Oh, my God. Do you know what? I will say this. Sometimes people get shortbread wrong. That is delish. And the caramel. How do you even make this? It's so delicious. So, pair it with the port. To echo the caramel and nutty notes, cheers. Bottoms up. And happy belated birthday. Thank you. Shame you couldn't make it. I wasn't invited. Busy, busy, busy. Well, we're showbiz friends. I wouldn't really invite you, would I? No. Lee, Lee, Lee. Oh, I made it. But unfortunately, I've had to sign an NDA.

6:40Alan Carr:That's not true. Mmm. The port, you can imagine this at the end of a night, sat down, bit of short, because sometimes you do a cheese board, but I will say, in those moments where you want something a bit sweeter, you wouldn't necessarily go for a cheese board. So you could do a port and a nice selection of shortbread. That's something else. That is so nice. Christine, Chef Francis, thank you so much. That's delicious. Now listen, it is actually distracting me from the pain that I have been in. I know, I know. I've got plantar fasciitis. It is the most painful thing I've ever endured. Do you know what?

7:26Alan Carr:I noticed that your mince has gone and you started walking like a normal person. Well, thank God for small mercies. Yeah, so what's his focaccia foot? What? I go round to his house the other day. I'm hobbling. I'm hobbling. I don't normally let him in, but he's hobbling. So I say, come on in. So I go, I've got plantar fasciitis. Mr. fucking... Mr. fucking... I let you in my home with the most unsympathetic man. Oh, it sounds made up. It doesn't sound real. What, you're making this up? It is so painful of your foot. I guarantee there will be people on the comments saying that they've had it. Well, say it again.

8:09Alan Carr:Focacia what? Plantar fasciitis. It's nothing about focaccia bread or anything like that. Yeah. It's plantar fasciitis. It's where your foot, your heel, oh my God, walking on it is so painful. But how have you got it? Apparently. Is it gout? No, apparently. It's gout. It's gout. You're drinking port like it's going out of fashion. You're drinking shortbread. I'm drinking shortbread. Okay, I might be a bit pissed. You're inhaling shortbread and you're drinking porties, gal. It's hard, but, you know, you talk about turning 50. I don't, because I don't avoid it. But it's made me go, is this it? Is this now the downhill stretch?

8:49Alan Carr:Did you ever, like, I'm now going, okay, my body. Now, now you're thinking it's a downhill stretch. I've been spotting it for years, love. This is the final warning. Yeah, this is the big boss. But is it? Have you had moments where you go, it's happening? Have you seen that woman on Instagram where she rings up the police? I'm dead! I'm dead! No. That's me. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. Your algorithm is so messed up. like the things do you know what I'm watching now what these people who have their neck thing this woman was in pain for 15 years oh I love that he cracked her neck and she went yeah he puts his arms round her or something and then he just goes okay and relax and breathe and I've had an ex like that he went I love you Alan changed my will not a medical professional oh yeah that's quite satisfying I do did you ever crack and then she starts crying I can feel my neck now I mean yeah have you ever had a chiropractor?

9:57Alan Carr:Well I did my back in once oh this is this is a true story but you're going to take the piss out of me so basically I was at a wedding in Cyprus and I we were drunk the night before I'd found this place yeah and the bride was there and I've had the time of my life started playing now of course I decide to do the dirty dancing lift No one puts Leap here in the corner. No. Well, what's annoying is I should have been baby, but I was Patrick Swayze. So I picked the bride up. The worst casting I've ever seen. In hindsight. Patrick Gaze. No, so I pick the bride up. God, how small was she? I feel all...

10:42Alan Carr:Was it a doll? Chucky? Can I continue? You picked a woman up? I picked her up. and as I pick her up... No, I'm not being shady, but how big was the woman? Was she like a normal size? Well, no, she's smaller than me, yeah. Okay, so you picked a hobbit up. So I pick her up and then, unfortunately, my back starts overextending and I think, I don't want to drop her because what if she smashes her teeth in the day before the wedding? So my back completely goes. It was really bad. chiropractor, chiropractor, nothing would do it. I went to one osteopath, cured. What did they do to you? Barely anything.

11:27Alan Carr:They just did these things with the feet, whatnot. But all of a sudden, I was cured. What's the difference between an osteopath and a psychopath? What is it?

11:42Alan Carr:That's another George Clooneyism. Oh, my God. No, what if he's a psychopath? Is he a therapist? That's it. Because I've got a really bad back. I go and visit a psychopath every week. That's where you're going wrong. He doesn't sort my back out, but me. The mind game. That's a mind game. Have I even got a bad back?

12:11Alan Carr:No, an osteopath apparently works your whole body. and then um what was it was chiropractor like the back yeah honestly it helped and then you know what happened with my back the chiropractor put on tape on my back for i had to wear it for three weeks i look in the mirror it was an h as if like homo it was like i've had hate or a helipad you're lucky you had sunbathing a chopper fell on your back wouldn't be the first time so yeah I did do my back in that was when I first started why are you doing that you're showing off again I wasn't showing off you are showing off you don't lift a woman up at a party like that that's showing off no but it's a dirty dancing lift everyone knows what that is I just miscast myself I should have been baby you should have been the watermelon what about you have you You don't really have ailments, do you?

13:10Alan Carr:I've never known you in the last few years. I'm physically fit with my healthy lifestyle. Oh, you did hurt your... back recently with the PT when he strapped it to the tree. That's not a funny story. Well, it is to me. OK, have you heard of TRX where they tie them to the tree? Apparently I'm so fat, it snapped and I went back and I hit my head on the floor. But then also, I did have a freak accident recently. What happened? I was wearing a kimono and had a cup of tea and then as I went through the door, the sleeve of the kimono got stuck on the handle and I tip scald in, fucking knocked tea over my tits.

13:51Alan Carr:Oh, well, that's what you get for wearing a kimono. Why were you wearing a kimono? That's why cultural appropriation does not count. it weren't kimono is not cultural appropriation they're silky i never said it was you just said it was don't start having a go oh shut up why are you being like this so have you got any bucket lists in your 50th in your your half centenary is it it's not good when people say that if you've got any things you want to achieve what's next on your list yeah i don't know if i should mention this, but can we mention when you started crying the other day? What? That's on your bucket list.

14:34Alan Carr:No. More tears. I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. Oh, yeah. Completely killed the mood down the pub. He said, guys, I think I'm going to be dead soon. I don't know why I said that. We were out for lunch. Oh, I don't know. It's a bit dark. I think I'm going to be dead. It's not dark. I think I was just seeking attention. I know. Everyone was talking. I thought, this is... And I went, guys, I think I'm going to die soon. I was talking about my 50. I'm going to die soon. Everyone was like, oh, don't say that. Don't tease. Well.

15:16Alan Carr:This may not age well. No, do you genuinely feel you're on your way out? Why do you feel that? No, I was having dreams recently. Do you have like a dream of a gravestone? It's got Lee Peer and it's got a really, you know, 20, 26 on it. No, I just kept feeling like, oh, sometimes I felt like I'm not long for this world. Oh, don't say that. Oh, you brought it up. Do you know what I'm so excited about? Go on. Kylie getting a documentary. I know. Do you know what? I'm going to throw this out there. Maybe it's a bit desperate. I think Kylie should come on the podcast. Aren't you? She should, she should.

15:54Alan Carr:With her lovely, lovely wine. You like that? That's the Dubai chocolate one. Kylie, what's she like? Because you've met her a few times, haven't you? She's so lovely. But in the beginning, we had a weird relationship. Why? I'd never met her under the so-called Friday Night Project. She'd sent me signed albums, signed calendars, her candles, her duvet, her pillows and a K. Right. I'd never met her before. Oh, what? She sends me the most lovely things ever. So she's manifested meeting you. Maria, why don't we start sending? I've got a Christmas card this year. Have a Merry Christmas. Kay, Kylie.

16:38Alan Carr:Oh, my God. I've met her, but I don't know her own address. She won't give me her address, so I can't send her anything. So she can just send you? Well, that's a great relationship to have. I mean, it's so cool, isn't it? And also, it means you don't have to send anything back. You're winning. But she's always sending me duvets, candles. calendars duvets she has her own duvet range it's like having a mistress it's like having a it's like one of those people have you heard of those people that just pay people like money just to be like they're called pay pigs have you heard of these? no it's a fetish this was quite nice Kylie is a pay pig I don't know if she will come on the podcast now She's a pay pig.

17:25Alan Carr:No, as in? I don't touch myself to get a do with that. She sends it to me as a present. No, that's some people's love language. That's what I'm saying. This is a nice story. You've twisted into something sordid and depraved. No, I haven't. It's a lovely thing, but I'm really pleased about the documentary. She deserves a documentary. She's a legend. She is a legend. And she's a sweetheart. She's one of them that I can't imagine many people dislike. No. Do you know what I mean? Like there's tiers of celebrity where it's like you love them. There's not many. She's lovely. She's lovely. And she's still having hits and she's still in the charts.

18:04Alan Carr:We can't sit here talking about Kylie or delicious shortbread from the Shortbread Society because we have a guest on today. A bit different today. I'm quite excited about this. We're going to be doing food pairings, aren't we? Yeah. All right. So we have a man who, oh, he knows all about food. He's a cookbook legend. Yes, he is indeed. And he's a food writer, chef, and he makes it quite accessible. I've been following him on Instagram. He's a tray-baked trailblazer. Yeah, I love tray-baked. But he also makes it quite accessible. So he's going to come in. He's brought some delicious snacks. And we're going to pair it up with wine.

18:43Alan Carr:Hartway, please go wild, go crazy, and welcome the one, the only, John Gregory Smith!

19:18Alan Carr:to severe plaque psoriasis, who may benefit from taking injections or pills or phototherapy, and for adults with active psoriatic arthritis. Serious allergic reactions and increased risk of infections and liver problems may occur. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms, or if you need a vaccine. Imagine being a million miles away. Explore what's possible. Ask your doctor about Trimphaya. Tap this ad to learn more about Trimphaya, including important safety information.

19:54Alan Carr:Every outfit starts with a choice. What am I wearing underneath? Something comfortable? And let's be honest, something that keeps everything looking smooth. That's where Vanity Fair lingerie comes in. Their new smoothing wireless bra has four-way stretch fabric for all over smoothing, soft lightly lined cups for a natural shape, and no wire comfort that lasts all day. All over smooth, all day comfort. Vanity Fair lingerie. Find yours at Target today.

20:25John. John. What do you think of my shirt? I think it's lovely. You know, and we're drinking wines if we need a handy coaster. You can just break one off.

20:34Alan Carr:Yeah, and can we talk about your Freddie Mercury muscle vest? If you want. Dale! Dale! What's the video with the Hoover? Oh, I want to break free. Oh, my. For after. Yeah. I mean, listen, we called you a lot of things before you came on. All good, all good. Before you arrived. Before you arrived. What do you call yourself? Oh, I mean, what? This influencer, content creator, was it trail bait queen? I love it. Let's just go with that. I think you're that. Do you think you are? Do you think that's when you just jobbed? I could imagine on a handy business card. Let's go over the journey then and see if we can come to a name for yourself.

21:14Alan Carr:Yeah, because how did you start? So you've got over a million followers now on Instagram, haven't you? How did that, when did you start? So I basically was unemployed during COVID because I used to be like a food and travel writer. But then you can't write about just being at home in your kitchen, can you? You can't be a travel writer when you can't travel. Yeah. So I was slightly unemployed and I was living actually with my sister, who's just so cool. And like the only thing I could do to add value was like cook and pour wine. and after a couple, I think it was there for a few, was that six months, wasn't it?

21:47God, I just started filming because I was like, I need something to do in the day. So I'll be making, I don't know, whatever I cooked and I'd film it and I'd put it on social media. And then I remember I had an agent who I had gone very quiet, funnily enough, and they called me up and were like, guess what? We've got a job for you. And I was just thinking, oh my God, I've not had any work in so long. This is amazing. and it was an offer from a meat-free brand to do a video. Now, I'm not vegetarian, I love meat, but I was like, I'll take it. Everyone loves meat-free mince, it's so delicious. I do like meat-free mince, yeah, I do, to be fair.

22:23I'm not such a fan.

22:24Alan Carr:Sometimes you have a bit of mince and you get a bit like gristle and you go, oh, this used to be a cow. No, that's the truth. I hate that. It reminds you, yeah. You're like, oh, this was a poor chicken. Whereas with veggie means you don't get. Yeah, exactly. But it does look like cat litter. A brown partnership right here. It does look like cat litter. Sadly, I didn't get the gig. I think they just saw me eating steaks or whatever. But I kind of thought, wow, if you can turn that into a job, then maybe that's what I could do. And I've turned it into a job. There you go. And so how quick did you blow up?

22:56That's what they say. They blew up. That's what the kids say. Don't they blow up? Blow up. Blew up online. It definitely wasn't overnight. It was like a sort of slow trickle. And then I remember like, you know, I like Middle Eastern food and I've done some bits here for you that are like Eastern Med vibes. And I was sort of putting out this kind of content. And then I think I just did like a pasta pesto and then it blew up because everyone likes pasta pesto. God, I love pasta pesto. It's so good. So it kind of changed my career, pasta pesto. So yeah, and now it's like a day job. I do it full time and it's a very weird, fun, brilliant job.

23:30And I get to do very cool things like this. So did you train as a chef? No. No. I got a job with Gordon Ramsay and... Oh my God, what was that like? Did he put bits of bread around your ear and call you an idiot sandwich? No, sadly he didn't. Oh, okay.

23:44Alan Carr:Cut that bit out. He was hardly there at all, but basically...

23:51That's what it was like. That was literally what it was like. A couple of old bits of pitas. But my sister met him in a bar and went up to him, just went, can you give my brother a job? And weirdly, this was...