Alan’s Dog Poo Drama, Festival Fails & Questionable Turn-Ons

20:35So at the time, I went to Instagram. Yeah. And reels didn't exist then. So, you know, it was like pictures and there weren't really very many recognisable bottles, you know? It was just pictures of really fancy labels. I didn't really understand what anything was. And so I bought my first wine book, which was The Wine Folly. And it's like this beginner's going to wine. Rags with Wally. It does. Maybe I subconsciously must have been inspired by it. The Wine Wally picked up a copy of Folly. That's it.

21:07Alan Carr:The Wine Wally began with The Wine Folly. Good girl, Miss Molly. Yeah. So you've now got like a seat at the table. You've taught yourself. You've kind of established yourself. Have you, be honest now, have you been at maybe events with a load of people with the qualifications? Because I've met actors before who get a little bit snobby over people who haven't been to drama school. They haven't trained. They haven't trained. Have you encountered people who are a little bit like, who are you? Waltzing in here. Wallying in here. Yeah. With your orange hat. With the orange hat. I know, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be honest.

21:42I would say that 90 % of my interactions have been amazing. So tell us about the 10%.

21:47Alan Carr:10%, come on, who's the arse of us? Come on, who's the arse of us? Come on, name and shame. I think what happened is, obviously when I first started doing the Wine Wallet, nobody really went to Instagram to talk about supermarket wines and definitely never spoke about it in the sense of like, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing. Let me make a fool out of myself and post about it. but obviously as reels came about and people got a bit more interested and supermarkets began to invite the influencers to the wine tastings the supermarket wine tastings which used to be reserved for the press only you know so you'd have people from all the major newspapers and the wine you know it's funny that that's like in our business as well isn't it you're more like to get interviewed by an influencer and stuff because they do have and do you not call yourself a Vinfluencer?

22:35Vinfluencer, yeah. I have been known, yes, I have been known, yeah. Nice.

22:38Alan Carr:Oh, great. Or wine communicator, as like the, some people like to do. But yeah, no, it's... We love a pun, we want to get a she canter. Have you seen that? It's like a decanter, but it's in the shape of a woman's reproductive organs. No, I've got to see that. We're still going to get one. Don't make out you sent the link to me. Don't make out I'm a pervert. what is this you're talking about you sent me the link it's she canter it's like decanter because you like a pun don't you oh i do yeah yeah yeah um she can't canter yeah should we get one let's get one for the uterus so bank holiday monday's coming yes three days some people might drink on the monday or the saturday or the sunday what should they be popping in the basket i think For me, I always look for wines that are either, you know, dupes of favourites, you know, so they're kind of giving the signals away on the label, or they are wines that are near-famous places, but aren't...

23:41Like Lirac and Chateauneuf-du-Pape. Languedoc and Cote.

23:44Alan Carr:We had one of those the other day, didn't we? We were so proud. We were at the restaurant and we went, we'll have a Lirac, please. Ha, ha. Yeah. Ha, save yourself some money. Bye, bitch. Bye. Ha, ha, ha. Making it rain. Bottoms up. Like, Lirac, please. And the money we saved, we bought another bottle. Ha! Yeah. Who's stupid now? We wrote the next day off. Yeah, because we were sick. Ha! So go on, bank holiday. But how good did you feel when you did order it? Did you feel like I'm a bit of a ledge? But this is the whole point of this podcast. We felt like we'd cracked the code. Yes. That's it. And I think you're...

24:26Alan Carr:We're like Fletchley Park. You're one of us. Yeah, you're one of us because we started Complete Novices. You're obviously ahead of us in terms of your knowledge. But it's about making it accessible and not making it as, you know, snobby or a bit snooty. The 10 % who are going like, ugh. I think for me, what you guys are doing is the best way to learn. Just saying. Because I think that, you know, don't get me wrong. The qualifications and all that are great. And I know loads of people now that have got all those qualifications. They're amazing people. But I think that, you know, learning as you're going along, trying to break it down.

25:05And for me, I'm still quite lazy when it comes to buying wine now. So I will learn about something when I want to drink it or it's like, you know, something that's interesting to me. And I think that's the best way to learn because then you learn about it in a way that you want to do it. And then over time, you start to kind of, you know, fall down the rabbit hole a little bit and you pick up the knowledge naturally rather than like trying to sit down and be taught this is wine you know so i think the way you guys

25:28Alan Carr:are doing is great so what we're having today what we're going for okay because i'm parched yes me too so today i want to try and give you two things to take away that will change the way you think about wine when you're stood in the wine aisle oh and the way that you taste wine when you got the wine at home so this is all stuff that i've basically learned from the experts or read in books or test it out and try it out myself but i'm trying to give it out as like a simplified version the wally proof version if you like because this is how i like to think about wine and so what we're going to do is we're going to first of all we're going to look at how place can impact how a wine tastes um because one of the big kind of like awakenings that i had was like where a wine comes from makes a big difference to how it's going to taste right so i think you might have done like new world old world already yeah yeah soil chalk isn't it it alone we're not doing that no no way we did new world and old world with helena yes yes yeah so that that's a really good like theory and like this is kind of along that sorts of lines but basically the idea is that when you get a wine from a cool place or a wine from a warm place it's going to taste different because of how that climate impacts of course the wine grows right and the best thing about it is you don't need any qualifications to kind of work out how that wine is going to taste and the reason why i love this hack is that basically you can go into the supermarket and look at wines and kind of make an educated guess as to how it's going to taste just by thinking about where it comes from all right yeah because actually as well you don't have to get your phone out and start googling because i was googling the other day in the wine aisle i was looking for but actually if you can just look at the bottle and go it's quite a flex isn't it if you're in the wine aisle going you know this one exactly yeah so what we're going to do is we're going to like look at two extreme examples so we've got a wine that comes from a cool climate and a wine that comes from a warm climate so this is a italian pinot grigio and this is a australian Pinot Grigio.

27:34Right. Now, this theory is kind of on a broad spectrum. It kind of works because Australia is in general warm and Italy is in general cooler than each other. But you do have to remember that when you're thinking about countries, there are cooling influences and these are all clues that you can look for on the label or warming influences. So if you look at Australia, for example, if you start to see words on the label like near the sea, altitude or up a mountain or you know there are breezes or winds that's often the winemaker trying to tell you that there's a cooling influence on the wine even if it's a hot country and that the wine is going to taste brighter fresher why so are you saying that if it is in a cooler climate it will taste brighter and fresher generally yeah so on the whole wines that come from cooler areas are brighter and fresher so they're more zippy because the grapes ripen slower the freshness is retained into the grapes and so when you're looking for wines if you like a wine like a cool climate pinot grigio there's a very high chance that you're going to like other wines that aren't pinot grigio but come from cooler climates and all you have to do is kind of think about where in the world the wine comes from the easiest hack to do it i always think of is

28:46Alan Carr:the equator and how far away that place is in general from the equator so if you see an antarctica wine you're going to be very excited if there's a penguin on the label forget it yeah So should we... Piss penguin. So what I was going to get you... To show you guys here, have a quick look at the wine labels just to see if there are any clues on there. Oh, I like this. It's like a murder mystery. And then what we're going to do is we're going to blind the bottles and we're going to predict which wine was the warm one and which wine was the cool one and then see whether we got it right. Tempered by Adriatic breezes.

29:25Alan Carr:There you go. And this is, well, I know this is similar to Italian styles, it says. So is it Italian? Sometimes what you find is if they don't put any clues on there... Oh, wait, it is from Australia, this one. Sorry. Okay. Third generation brother and sister. South Eastern Australia. Yeah. So I would... Suitable for vegans. That's interesting. Yeah. Widely recycled. Yeah. Very strange. What I was going to say is like, if you're, say you're looking at a bottle of wine from Southeast Australia, my assumption would be that... Warm. Warm climate. And because they've not put anything on there to say that it's cool, it's probably going to be fruity.

30:18Alan Carr:So we're thinking, this is warm, that's cool. So by that prediction, we are going to like this one more. Is that what you like? brighter, fresher wines. Definitely a bit of... Okay. Bow! Yeah. So... Yeah, that's the technical term. So what we're going to do, let's test the wines and see whether we can pick out the bright and fresh or the fruity and round. So these are like the flavour families. So are we going to drink these blindfolded? I'm going to put them into... Where are we at? My handy blind bags. Okay, so we'll close our eyes. oh I thought they were sorry I thought you were going to put them over our head like we were like on hostages or celebrity S.A.S I thought my head would never, I've got quite a big head alright so we're not going to look right so you guys hide your eyes and I will put these in here so yeah we like the lighter ones don't we so that's technically the cooler ones What white wines do you like?

31:22Alan Carr:I like Pinot Grigio. I like Picpul de Panay. I can't stand it when it's clacky. Yeah. I like... What else do I like? I like a Sancerre. Oh, that's posh. I like... Gavi de Gavi. I love a Gavi de Gavi. Not very relatable wines, are they? Well, no, but you can get them for a decent price. Echo Falls, I like that. Okay, you ready? Ready. Can I take them off? You can do it now, yeah. All right, ready? So... I like this bag. Should we do... I just got them the other day. Yeah, nice. They're smellsy, aren't they? So, shall we... We'll all have a little taste of this one. I think you should get bags that go with your hat colour.

32:05Little orange ones. Or Sainsbury's. All right, then.

32:13Okay, so... Let's try this. Just ignore it, honestly.

32:16Alan Carr:If you let him ride it out, he'll give up. Now, what we're going to do is we're going to focus on the flavours, but we're not going to do, like, you know, really elaborate tasting notes. No, what we're trying to think about is, like, things like, that you might see on a wine label, right? So things like bright, fresh, zippy, Adriatic breezes, you know, whatever it might be. But just looking for words or feelings around the wine when you try it. Give it a go. Wine's a bit like therapy, isn't it? Yeah. In what sense?

32:51Alan Carr:Well, it helps me out sometimes when I've had a bad day. It listens to you. It's always there for me. What are you getting then, boys? What are you picking up? Would you say it's fruity and round or is it bright and fresh? I don't love that, you know. Fruity and... What were you looking for? Fruity and round or light and fresh. That's not light. That, I'm going to predict right now, is from the warm climate. Okay. Borough. I think it's like Borough. I think... Is it Borough? Why am I talking like I'm an extra on Coronation Street? Maybe we should try the other wine. Try the other wine and let me see.

33:30Alan Carr:We'll do it side by side before we make it. That's a good idea. Let's not... Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's a bit... It's quite... I don't think that's light. Do you really like that? I don't think that's light. That's going to give me a gale-force hangover. I can tell you that for nothing. Okay, well, let's try the other one and see... How this compares... Oh, neck it. Get it down, yeah. Yeah, so... Considering I hated it, I did quite enjoy necking it.

34:03Alan Carr:I hate that. Okay, ooh, well that's interesting because I'm getting a little bit of a stronger smell from this. Bit more of a bouquet. Mmm. So what do you think to this one? This one smells a bit more lively, I think. Oh, this is lighter. That's lighter. Let me carry on. Don't want to run before I can walk. What are you thinking? That's lighter and brighter. Lighter and brighter? Well, I don't know if it's lighter, but it's certainly nicer. Yes. That's what I will say. But yeah, I think that one's the lighter one. It's definitely brighter, though. That's the, yeah. So it makes your mouth pop. Makes it like water a little.

34:48Alan Carr:That, what I'm going to predict, is from the cooler Adriatic one. Yes. I think it's that Italian family. What's it called? Ari Owen, what's she called?

34:59Alan Carr:The third generation boy and girl. Is it? I don't know. I'm not sure. So I think the first one... The one you could recycle the bottle, that one. Oh, that one. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the first... I don't know. The first one was like, it had a bit more like... I thought the first one was fruitier, rounder, had a bit more like riper fruit flavours. That's how you tend to think of it, like tropical fruit flavours. Whereas this one, it feels a little bit zestier, my mouth's watering a little bit more. Definitely, yeah. And I think I just didn't like that one and I think that clouded my judgment.

35:32Alan Carr:But that, for me, I could have that with maybe fish or something like that on a sunny day, barbecue. The question is, are we right? Well, let's find out. So the first wine was, that you thought was? I thought the first one was the warmer. Australian, Burra. Australian, Burra. Burra. Is that right? Yeah. Burra, you are right, Burra. And the second one was? Pinot Grish. Yeah. So we now know that we like a lighter, zestier kind of wine. Yes. You're looking at, if you're looking for a bottle, you know that's going to be cooler, then go for that. Yeah. So this is why I love doing this kind of like test, because what it means is that you like like that flavour family bright and fresh.

36:18Okay, so now you know that, you can go into the wine aisle and you can pick up a bottle and you can start to think about what you're looking at. Adriatic breezes. There's clues here, isn't there?

36:27Alan Carr:Yeah, what if it said? So what if it was the other way around? So you've got the Australian one here and you've got the Italian one and the Australian one said, this is called on the coast of Australia, blah, blah, blah. And this one said, this is in Italy during the most heatwave season of the thing. we'd actually probably want to go for the Australian one. There is a good chance, yeah. And that's it, because the kind of general rule of thumb of like hot country, warm country. I love that. They're going to put that on a bottle. Heatwave of the thing.

37:00Alan Carr:Oh, I think I'm going to buy this. Heatwave of the thing. What a swimmer. Sorry, I couldn't let that flipping go. Say I'm in. No one, you're not saying that's never going to happen because that person would be sacked from the publicity people. You knew what I meant. I did, I did. So that point that you made is a really good point. Ha! Because the kind of general rule of thumb of like a hot country and a cool country, it works to a degree. Yeah. But then obviously you get cooler and warmer places. Like if you imagine, if you get the train from London to Glasgow, the climate, the feel is different.

37:45And that happens within countries. So wines from the south of France are generally warmer and rounder and fruitier than wines from the north of France. So when you look at the wine labels of like a French wine or an Australian wine, if they're putting these little clues on there, you know, like breezes or coast or altitude, because these are all things that make it - Rolling hills, you've got rolling hills here, a breeze, yeah, it's there.

38:07Alan Carr:They're almost like nudging you towards you're going to like this, isn't it? It's just looking for clues, isn't it? Yeah. So it means that you can pick up any wine, even if you don't know what it is, and particularly in the supermarkets, because the supermarkets, you know, they're quite good at putting descriptors on the back. So I think when you can pick up any wine in any of the supermarkets now and start to look at, will I like this wine? Even if you've never tried the grape before, you don't know what the variety is, you've never even tried a wine from that country, and you stand a good chance, you know, stacking the odds in your favour of finding a wine that's going to be, you know, to your style.

38:41So it's not a guarantee, but that is kind of the game when you get into wine. And let's be honest, we're all working. We've come out of the office at five.

38:49Alan Carr:We go to the shop. We haven't got time to go, you just want to go buzzword, buzzword, buzzword. Pop it in your basket and go. So is this kind of thing going to... That is so much nicer than the Bora Bora. It really is. Well, it's not just any wine. It's M &S wine. I love that. It's great. Not as good as your eat-waving the thingy-ma-bob.

39:16Alan Carr:Really? So your book that's coming out in October. This is exciting. Will it have... What's that? Why are you laughing? Is it a lie? No, it's not a lie. It's not a lie, but I'm excited for it to come out because I'm excited to see what people have to say about it. What's it called? It's called The Wine Wally's Shelf-Hacking Guide to Buying Better Bottles. And I have to say, nobody actually knows that it's coming out yet. So this is like the world exclusive of the announcement. So I've not actually told anybody yet, apart from obviously a few friends and family. I've not announced it on social media.

39:52I've not told anybody about it.

39:54Alan Carr:And so in the book, there will be all hacks like this. There'll be stuff, is it for like wine under a tenner? Is it in certain areas, certain price range? Tell me everything. So basically, the idea of the book is I've written it not as a wine expert. And, you know, I shouldn't really have been writing the book in the first place, but I decided that... Don't put yourself down. Let us do it. You might bring up the next one.

40:22Alan Carr:Stop stealing our jobs. Sorry, go on. No, no, it's all good. So basically, the idea of the book is like, I've spent the last six years infiltrating the wine industry, you know, reading books, getting invited to tastings, learning from the experts, picking their brains while walking around, you know, the tasting rooms and asking them questions. And eventually ended up in this position where somebody thought they were, thought they would ask me to write a book, basically. So I decided that I would pull together the best bits that I've learned and try and help make wine feel understandable for people that don't have any qualifications and are kind of looking to break down the wine aisle.

41:03So the whole premise of the book is that it's a fight with the wine aisle. So we do bottle battles exactly like this. And the book for me does something that I feel like other wine books don't do, which is they teach the theory. So I will gather the theory up and say, this is the best bit that I learned to help you understand this. but now let's go and actually do something about it. Let's go and buy the wine and try it and score it. This is what I was going to ask.

41:25Alan Carr:Is it a book where you read it first then you go out into the wild and buy the wine or do you take the book with you into the wine aisle? A bit of both. So it's broken down into like four sections. So it breaks down, I've called it the four Ps. And basically we break it down into like place, person, price and play. And what we do is through the book, We look at the influences that make a wine taste how it tastes, why it costs what it costs, and how to kind of like explore wine, you know, when you're feeling a little bit more adventurous. But each section through the book, what we do is we do bottle bottles where we go out and we buy the wine.

42:02So it's kind of like read and try and kind of like drink as you learn. Yeah.

42:08Alan Carr:Does that make sense? Liam, thank you so much. The Wine Wally, everyone. If you've enjoyed this episode, episode. Don't forget to follow us on Spotify and Apple so you'll get a brand new episode dropped into your account every week. And trust us, you want to be here for next week. We're very excited because we have a very special guest. He has his own wine. We are going to be joined. Well, he doesn't just have his own wine. He has his own chat show and his own show and his own books and his own pretty much everything. Graham Norton will be here next week, so please do join us. And as always, please do drink responsibly.

42:50Alan Carr:For more information, please do visit drinkaware.co.uk. Bottoms Up with Alan Carr and Lee Peart is a Listen production. Liam, Alan, Bottoms Up.