In short
April Fool’s pranks and “fake sick days,” plus hangover prevention, cocktail/TV recommendations, and wine-pairing dilemmas (cheap-but-impressive rosé/white; transporting wine home from Cape Town).
Guest backgrounds
No guest appears; the episode is just hosts Alan Carr and Lee Peart. A “mystery celebrity guest” was canceled because they were ill.
Key claims
Lee describes lying sick to a call center by using “food poisoning”/“norovirus” language to avoid questions. Alan and Lee try “Pre-Pair” Korean pear juice, claiming it breaks down hangover enzymes if taken ~20 minutes before drinking. For wine, they recommend “Studio by Miraval” rosé as an affordable gateway Provence-style option, then an Albarino for a step up from Sauvignon Blanc, and a Chablis as “French wine” that’s still approachable.
Notable examples
Lee’s dog Rita allegedly drew “help/save me” after stealing coal; David Ames confirms the drawing. Wine transport tips include wrapping bottles in nappies/towels and the “fiasco” wrapping idea. Cocktail segment: a simple margarita recipe and Sky Ultimate TV as “no-faff” streaming.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOA Missing Guest and Sick Days
1:36 to 3:00
The hosts discuss a missing guest and share funny stories about calling in sick.
“We are, we're free, firstly, from microphones.”
The Art of Faking Illness
3:01 to 4:59
Alan shares his strategies for faking illness to get out of work, along with humorous advice.
“But I rang up, and I said, oh, I don't feel good.”
Hangover Hacks: Pre-Pair
5:00 to 7:49
The hosts discuss a hangover remedy called Pre-Pair and its ingredients, along with personal experiences.
“Don't go for anything where you have to act out.”
Cheers to Lower-Calorie Drinks
7:50 to 9:50
Alan and Lee talk about their drink choices and the implications of calorie counting.
“It looks like something you put on a drip.”
Fitness and Personal Trainers
9:51 to 14:01
The hosts discuss fitness routines, personal trainers, and the struggles of maintaining workout habits.
“That was the longest 20 minutes I've ever had to wait.”
Gym Intimidation Stories
14:01 to 15:00
Hear hilarious anecdotes about feeling awkward at the gym.
“You're having too much of a break between leg days.”
Showbiz Dinner Reflections
15:01 to 15:54
Alan and Lee share their thoughts on attending a showbiz dinner they almost skipped.
“We went to a showbiz dinner last night, didn't we?”
Pet Mishaps and Kitchen Roll
15:55 to 16:44
Listen to a funny story about a dog and a kitchen roll disaster.
“But your dog's trashed the house as well.”
The Dog That Draws
16:45 to 18:00
A wild tale about a dog drawing with coal leads to a phone call for verification.
“Maybe you need like a two-way camera so you can be like...”
April Fool's Day Memories
18:01 to 19:50
Alan and Lee discuss their experiences with April Fool's Day pranks.
“And it used to be that thing as well at school where it was like two minutes past 12.”
Show all 23 chapters
Comedy Show Nerves
19:51 to 20:51
The duo talks about the challenges of performing comedy under pressure.
“But just as a performer, you felt so, when you watch your back, you realise there was loads of funny bits.”
Wine Dilemmas: Affordable Choices
24:02 to 26:24
The hosts answer listener questions about finding affordable wines.
“This is, for anyone who doesn't know, this is actor David Ames, our lovely friend.”
Nostalgic Drink Memories
26:25 to 28:03
Alan and Lee reminisce about the drinks they used to enjoy in their youth.
“I'm 25 and love an affordable, brackets, cheap.”
Nostalgic Drink Favorites
28:03 to 29:03
The hosts reminisce about their early drinking experiences and favorites.
“I used to think I was it if I drank Black Tower.”
Wine Talk: Studio by Miraval
29:03 to 30:14
Discussion on Miraval wines, including pricing and quality.
“It's cheaper than Whispering Angel, isn't it?”
Celebrity Wines and Aging
30:14 to 31:13
Talk about Brad Pitt and his ownership of Miraval, aging, and beauty.
“If my hair weren't receding, that would be covered up.”
Hair & Aging Conversations
31:13 to 32:56
Light-hearted banter about hairstyles and the aging process.
“No, it's either Mr and Mrs Smith or Troy.”
Exploring Albarino and Chablis
32:56 to 35:45
The hosts delve into different types of wines and their characteristics.
“well I don't think he made it but that could be good if he actually got in yeah but Basically, this is the studio by Mirabelle.”
Wine Preferences and Social Status
35:45 to 36:51
Discussion on wine preferences and perceived social status among friends.
“This says, I know French wine, but you're still approachable.”
Dilemmas and Wine Transport Tips
36:51 to 39:06
Listeners' dilemma about transporting wine back from a trip.
“And also, can I, I'm, you know, I'm much older than you, but can I just say, when I do eventually lose my marbles, don't come round and film me and put it on social media.”
Travel Fiascos and Wine Wrapping
42:04 to 43:34
Learn about the humorous chaos of handling drinks while traveling.
“They get as far as the airport to security and it would be taken from them.”
Creative Drinking Solutions
43:34 to 45:20
Discover unconventional ways to sneak drinks into events.
“Well, I was pissed and they, to be fair, they needed to make it a bit more.”
Teasing Upcoming Butler Episode
45:20 to 46:08
Get a sneak peek into the next episode featuring a butler expert.
“Then you've got a suitcase full of space in your suitcase full.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00So good, so good, so good. New spring arrivals are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Get ready to save big with up to 60 % off Rag & Bone, Marc Jacobs, Free People, and more.
0:12Alan Carr:How did I not know Rack has Adidas? Because there's always something new. Join the Nordiclub to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first, and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack. Is it Nappy's offer on? This is a bit weird to say. I kind of fancied myself. Let's watch that footage back.
0:44Alan Carr:Dracula. April Fool's. You thought you were good at this. You, what? That's a load of shit. That is true.
0:56Alan Carr:Hello and welcome to Bottoms Up with me, Alan Carr and Lee Peart. Yes, this is the show where each week I'm joined by reality TV star Alan Carr. Reality, I'm not a reality star. April Fools, April Fools. And I'm here with the very tall Lee Peart. I got you. You got me. Are you still tiny? No, each week we crack open a bottle, we solve your dilemmas and we try to become a little bit more sophisticated along the way, don't we? With varying degrees of success. And it's a very exciting episode, isn't it, Alan? Because we've listened to you. We are, we're free, firstly, from microphones. We're radio-miked.
1:43What, what, have they demanded? No, no, they haven't.
1:45Alan Carr:They've asked us to take the microphones away so they can't hear us. Guys, this would be great if we couldn't hear you. What we've listened to, no-one has commented, can you take away the microphone? Well, if they have, they're blocked. No, no. What a lot of people have been saying, apparently, and your comments are always very lovely, thank you so much, they're saying they like it just does, and it is just us today. We've got no-one. I know. We've got guests gone missing, microphones gone missing. It's basically like an eviction. Part 2 Lee will be missing. I just like, and this sounds creepy, but I like it when it's just me and you.
2:25Alan Carr:Oh, shall we light a candle? Talk about with a bucket of roses. No, I do, I do. Yeah, well, we hang out anyway, because people think we're... Because what did your mum say? You said this before, but she... Well, I don't know. No, it's nice, like you're an actual friend. Well, she did say it's nice to have a normal friend. So no offence to any of the other friends, but my mum... This is the benchmark for normality. It's not good. But actually, what's happened, we was meant to have a guest, and we're not going to name and shame who they are, but they were ill, and there was a lot of illness going around.
3:00Alan Carr:But then I remember I rang in sick at Bartley Card. Ha! It was a lie! I wasn't even ill! Ha-ha! Take that, Jill! But I rang up, and I said, oh, I don't feel good. I'm poor on the voice. Don't feel good. because it's a call centre, they knew I wasn't at home. I was in Northampton. I was on my mum's landline. Oh, what, they checked that? Yes, because it comes up, 01604, what are you doing in Northampton? I went, yeah! I'm not really ill. You know what I used to do? I used to plant the seed. I used to think this was so... Yeah. I used to go, they'd go, what are you doing tonight? And I'd be going out, out.
3:43Alan Carr:I'd be ready to go out. I think this is going to be a messy one. Yes, well, this wasn't invented back then. We'll get to this. But I'd say to my manager, I'd say, oh, I'm going to that new all-you-can-eat restaurant. Oh, God, backstory. Yeah, yeah. I'd, like, plant a seed. And then the next day, I'd be like, Simon, do you remember I said I was going to that all-you-can-eat restaurant? Food poisoning. I think I've got it from the prawns. And it was classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Food poisoning's good because it's only a 24-hour thing. And then sometimes in the second break, when I worked at the call centre where we're having like a cup of tea, I'd go, well, don't feel good.
4:19Alan Carr:Just plant the little seed. Don't go too over the top. Don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't like put some vegetable soup and then go bleh. Don't give too much details either. That's a recommendation. And I think if you say diarrhoea when you have been ill, no one pushes any more questioning. Or if you say, what is it people say? It's coming out both ends. Yes, that's like, back off. No more questions. Yeah. And if you say norovirus, Oh, people are like, oh, don't come anywhere near us. Yes, yes. It's almost like the word has magical powers. See, I told you we solve your dilemma. So if you want to ring in sick because you're over.
4:55Alan Carr:Yeah, norovirus every way. A 24-hour bug. Bug is good. Yeah, yeah. Rickets, no. Don't go for anything where you have to act out. Be honest. No. Because your legs will have to be. You will. Do you know what? No, I would fight like... Or coma. No. So just, I would quite like to do... Yeah, send a photo. You wouldn't believe what happened after that. Sandhu restaurant, all you could eat, like slipped into a coma. A photo of you, someone's going, Alan, that's Northampton. But I quite like the listeners and the viewers to try and guess who the mystery celebrity guest was going to be and who have called...
5:40Alan Carr:Oh, no, that's me. No, because then when they come on, they can confess. Ooh. Yes, yeah, yeah. No, no, they are genuinely ill. Are they? Do you know what, though? You can't win because there is always that thing where you don't always believe it. Yeah. That's why, not saying it, but that was, you know, the upside of COVID. No one asked any questions. No. It was like you'd just send an old PCR test, wouldn't you, and be like, sorry. Yeah, I never was tested positive for COVID. Never. I could not get that bloody thing. It's not a game. I'm rubbish at this. No, because I feel like shit, and then I'd go, but then the thing would never...
6:21Alan Carr:Oh, really? Then I'd have to go to work. Oh, well, we've all got problems. Well, I hate work. Talking of which, welcome, welcome drink. This is, and this is going to help you... We've had this before. Do you remember when we went to see Beyonce? Alan, you will not have a hangover. It won't touch the sides. It's cut to 5am, me getting on a flight to Corfu in bumless trousers and a cowboy hat. No hangover, though. No hangover. No hangover. It does make you sexy, though. No, right. So, I have been sent this before. I did never have. You're right. No. So, OK, I'm going to preface this with, and if you're listening, let me explain.
7:04Alan Carr:This is called Pre-Pair, OK? And it is 100 % Korean hair juice, all right? Now, the science behind it is expertly crafted from Shingo pears grown in South Korea. And apparently the science behind this is that this has a chemical in it that breaks down the enzymes that basically accelerate your hangover being alleviated. Now, I have used this before. Yeah. I will say it's not a miracle worker. Like, if you are getting hard on it, it's, you know... Are you talking binge drinking or just having maybe one glass of wine for lunch? Well, I wouldn't worry about that. Like, just one, it depends. But basically, I mean, this is full of nutrients, but apparently you drink it 20 minutes before...
7:51I don't like the packaging. It looks like something you put on a drip.
7:54Alan Carr:Well, yes, because it's meant to help you. Oh, do you know what made me laugh on the website? I will today. And I have used this genuinely before, and I've actually influenced... You know your friend Michelle? Yes. She loves it. She swears by it. It is good, it tastes delicious, but it made me laugh. It says on the website, it's pocket size. Who's going? Keys, phone, prep. You know you've got a problem if you're packing this with you instead of your passport. But 20 minutes before having an alcoholic... Before having a heavy night, basically. How's that taste? It's lovely. Nice, really fresh. It's lovely.
8:32Don't be nice with this.
8:33Alan Carr:A special vodka.
8:37Alan Carr:but yeah so pre-pair and um genuinely it says start tonight right do you know anything why is it the pair why is apparently it's only the shingo pair it's this particular pair from south korea that and that has something in it that helps break down um the enzymes which then stop you you know feeling because i've had it before where i've had a heavy night and i've woken up the next day and i've been like oh i've been a bit tired but not hung over hung over yeah i hate that when You know, sometimes you wake up and you don't have a hangover, and you know you open up one eye and you're like... Is it safe to come out?
9:13Alan Carr:Yeah, and you're like, where's my hangover? Because then I used to drink lots of water before, you know, but then I'd end up pissing the bed. So this is probably better. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you can save a lot on washing. Yes. The money you save on liquid tabs. Where you're mopping your own urine off. Oh, I'm glad you said that after I had the pre-pear juice. Well, I'm not going to piss myself now, am I, with this? 19 minutes, I think, we've got left before we can have a drink.
9:54Alan Carr:God, I'm gasping. Time's up! That was the longest 20 minutes I've ever had to wait. Please, please. Shall we start with a drink then? Yes. Pre-pair ready? Heaven, God help you if I'm hungover. Start tonight right. Woo! Bottoms up. It's not the same without a glass. Yeah. Cheers. Bottoms up. We've got tequila, lime and soda. You're putting that pear drink through it. To test. I know. Through its paces. Yeah, so it's not even, so you're going hardcore. Well, the reason I've got this is because I feel like... I've got a confession. I feel like I've been putting on a bit of weight. I feel like... Don't look at...
10:39Look at... This is awkward.
10:41Alan Carr:It's awkward when someone has put on weight and now what am I going to say? Well, no, it's fine. Because I hate that. I don't like being put in this kind of position. Because I have to tell you the truth. I can't lie to you. Go on. Hurry up, chubby. You're not chubby, you're morbidly cuddly. No, because when people say, I have put on weight... You haven't put on weight. This is what's annoying. No, you struggle with bloat. Statistically, I have put on weight. Like, it's not... Statistically? Yes. You've stood on some scales. Yes, yes. Statistically? Yes. A pie chart? No, this is what I... A pie.
11:26Alan Carr:That's what got me in this mess. Pie. What kind of child was it? Bye. No, and I hate it when people deny it, because I'm not fishing for compliments. No, you're not. But... But, so... You struggle with bloat, you do. I do get bloated. Sometimes I see you and I go, oof. Do you? Oof. Oh, Lee. Mm-mm. Stop, please. And then you look svelte today. Yes. And you do look hench, can I just say. Thank you. You have been pumping iron. Welcome to the Gun Show. Yeah, I have. I'm trying to get back on it. And I'm trying to, you know, this is why I've chosen a tequila lime soda. Because it's a bit, you know, lower in the calories.
12:09Alan Carr:Do they call it skinny bitch? Well, you can't say skinny bitch, my friend. Or what? But you can call me morbidly chubbly. Chubbly? Morbidly chubbly. Chubbly. That's quite it. Chubbly. That's if you're fat and you've got a great personality. Yeah, he's chubbly. Yeah, it's about them bubbly, isn't it? Oh, he's chubbly. Oh, he's chubbly. Chubbly chatty man. What was I saying? Skinny bitch, you can't say anything. Yeah, my friend said, oh, can I have two skinny bitches? And the woman said, we don't call it here. And she went, and my friend who is a bit of a skinny bitch, she said, I'll call it what I effing want.
12:50Alan Carr:Two skinny bitches. Bitch is a bit of a term of endearment. Is it? From the gaze, it is, yeah. Like, yes, bitch, you know. Yes, queen. Oh, Jeff drop. And what was I going to say? Yeah, funny shit about fitness. I'm going to, I have a personal trainer. Zip it! I have a personal trainer. And he keeps getting me to do leg day. And I'm just going to say no, because I've got, I've got old people's hands. I've got old people's face. I just don't want old people's legs. You know when they just got that... like that. But they say never skip leg day. I'm going to have to skip it because I'm in pain. Why?
13:31Alan Carr:What? Because you struggle with your hips, don't you? What? Well, you do, don't you? Is that why? That was personal medical... That was the personal medical information I told you when I was at a low ebb. Do you get the DOMS? The delayed onset muscle soreness. Is that what it is? I love saying that. I'm like, oh, got the DOMS. Because you're all right on the day. Then you get out of bed and you're like, help! Yeah, I remember... But every time I do leg dating, it doesn't get any better. It hurts all the time. You're not doing it enough. You're having too much of a break between leg days. I do a couple of years in between.
14:08Yeah, yeah.
14:11Alan Carr:I last did it 2006. Is that too big a pause? I was once in the gym. I actually gym opposite. We're in the broadcaster right now and I go to the gym opposite here. and it's quite like, when I first started with the gym, I was a bit intimidated and I was stood in the middle of the thing and a man, I was clearly in his way, got hold of me and rotated me out of his way like a rotisserie chicken. It just like moved me. I've never felt so emasculated in my entire life. With your little legs going. Oh, here we go. This is awful. No, I know. I just was like moved out of the way. Oh, I bet you had a good mind to it with the pink weights you were holding.
14:53Alan Carr:What do they call it? The medicine ball. Did they oyst you up by your leotard? Okay, that's enough. So what have you been up to? What have we been doing? We went to a showbiz dinner last night, didn't we? Yes, we did. And we didn't feel like going, let's be honest. No, we didn't. We didn't feel like going, but I'm glad we went because it was fun. And I think sometimes I need to, I can't sit there watching four in a bed come down with me. I've got to get out the house. Yeah, and I had a bit of guilt because we are, Oh, my God, thank God the weather is, like, better now. And yesterday was a gorgeous day.
15:26I did see someone sunbathing in the park. It's not that warm. Yeah, sometimes it's like, calm down.
15:30Alan Carr:Bikini and shorts. No. Not too much. And also, beer gardens, isn't it? It's getting to that... Because we've got a nice one, haven't we, in between us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're pubs now. They go a bit OTT, don't they? Best secret beer garden. Oh, my God. And it's not a secret beer garden. It's behind two wheelie bins. Yeah, they do say that, don't they? Walk through to the secret outdoor terrace. I'm like this. Like I'm in the Famous Five. I'm like this. Looking for the secret garden. You're in it. Yeah. Pulling back hanging baskets. But your dog's trashed the house as well. Yeah. I bought, this is boring, but I bought a massive load of kitchen roll.
16:14Alan Carr:I love buying kitchen roll. It's so great, kitchen roll. Oh, you were right. Yeah. It was boring. No, and then I foolishly left the kitchen roll on the side and one of them, I think it is Rita, ripped it all off and had a ticker tape. What? Her own police do not cross line. Yes! She'd been rolling it around and then they must have been playing tug of war and it was, yeah, it was ruined. You should get one of those indoor pet cameras where you can check in on them so you can see exactly who's done it. Oh, that's good, yeah. And you can talk to them. Oh, she's deaf. Oh, yeah, she is, yeah. Maybe you need like a two-way camera so you can be like...
16:53Alan Carr:Yeah, do, yeah, start with the kitchen roll. But yeah, she trashed it and then something weird happened. You know, I've got that fake coal in the fire. Rita had got one of the coals off the fire, got my notepad off the desk... And wrote some material.
17:16Alan Carr:This will go down great. But then did like a little drawing. What? That's a load of shit. That is true. Your dog did not pick a piece of coal up. How did it pick a piece of coal up? And wrote, help. Save me. Save me. I want to find this end owner. Won't take me for a walk. You bad girl. No, it's true. David saw it. My friend, our mutual friend David. I'm going to ring him up. Okay, get him on the phone. Hello. He was not the guest who was there. No, he wasn't. He wasn't. I'm going to ring him up now. Okay, go on then. If it did happen, it did happen.
18:01Alan Carr:Okay.
18:05Alan Carr:You got a signal? I'd love it if it's like, who is this? He's not picking up. Well, he probably knows. So it's April Fool's today. Yes. Are you a fan of April Fool's? Erm... I always thought... And it used to be that thing as well at school where it was like two minutes past 12. Ha! You're the fool! Because it's got to be before midday, hasn't it? Have you ever had an Ant & Dec one? Did you ever get pranked by Ant & Dec? Oh, I say to my agent, if I get pranked, no. Oh, is that the hill you'll die on? Yeah, I'm not going to get pranked. No, no. My life's mad enough as it is. Our people are lying.
18:42Alan Carr:Your life is a prank. My life is one big prank. I mean, you don't even believe my dog can draw. Oh, I know. God, Folger. Talking of April Fool's pranks, laughing. Last one laughing. The final is tomorrow. Yes, I know, I know. No spoilers. Yeah, because it's a streaming thing. Yeah, you can watch it whenever. So people might not have seen it. But I'm just so pleased because I absolutely loved the first one. Well, if you don't mind me saying, you were quite nervous about it. weren't you? Like you were, because it was going against, the thing with comedians, as you know, is like we need that instant validation of going, if that's funny, you laugh.
19:19Alan Carr:So taking away their one piece of like vital feedback, was it difficult? And it is strange, you're in there and I mean, it's very tense. Bob said this one, second one was more tense than the first one because I think everyone adored the first series and I was like, oh no, you don't want to be that difficult second album or it's not funny and be like, oh. But I'm so relieved that the reviews have been amazing and everything. And I watched it back. Because I rang up my agent when I came on. I said, oh, my God, it's a turkey. It's awful. I haven't, you know, and I know you're not meant to make it.
19:51Alan Carr:That's the thing. But just as a performer, you felt so, when you watch your back, you realise there was loads of funny bits. Without giving anything away, did you have a, like, an Achilles heel? Was there one person before going in there, when you saw them walk in, you thought, oh, God. Well, Diane Morgan. Yeah, she's so funny. I mean, she's so deadpan. Yeah. She's got that face and just like, yeah, yeah. And then obviously Bob Mortimer. But Mel would look like a constipated tortoise. She'd go, go... Because you have to do the... You have to come up with a safety face, don't you? Yeah, and I was like Linda Robson.
Read the full transcript
20:29Alan Carr:So I just channeled Linda Robson. Nanny Linda. What? Nanny Linda, that's what we call her. Oh, you're crying again. Nanny Allen. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. You're crying at Linda Robson. Look at the tears in his eyes. April Fool. You thought you were good at this. Bottoms up.
20:51Alan Carr:This segment is brought to you by Sky Ultimate TV. What do I have to do around here to get a drink, barman? Well, you know I love a cocktail, and we were watching telly the other night, and I said to you, I want to make you a cocktail. All right, we want to branch out from wine and make you a delicious margarita. Oh, I like a margarita. We love a marg. Now, I'm doing the simple recipe. You've got tequila, you've got triple sec, and you've got lime. All right, we're going to do 50 ml of tequila. We're going to do 25 ml of triple sec and 25 ml of lime juice as well. If you want a little bit more sugary, you can add a little bit of sugar syrup as well.
21:29Alan Carr:All right, so let's start with this. We're going to do lime juice first. I'm cheating a little bit. I've got carton lime juice, but you can, you should really squeeze your own. You see, I would never do that. I would use fresh lime. Well, good. If I ever did, mate. You never do it. What's this called again? Margarita. I just can't stand the faff. I know. Wine's easy. You just open the bottle. There it is. Look at all this. What does this mean? You feel rewarded, okay? It's simplicity. So we've got 25 mil, but I've done 50 of that because I'm making two. Triple sec. 50 mil of triple sec here for you.
22:01Alan Carr:25 mil each. There we go. lovely stuff and like i said this is a simple cocktail just balanced so you're not you're not faffing around i wish my tv setup was as simple as that margarita what do you mean well i've got one app for this another app for something else by the time i decide what i want to watch on the telly i need to lie down it's too complicated it's not easy is it babes it's not easy i know and i spend half my life looking for something to watch and i don't know where to find it well guess what Sky have basically made their own cocktail of television, just like this margarita, all right?
22:39Alan Carr:Because Sky Ultimate TV have basically blended it all together. You get Sky, you get HBO Max, you get Disney +, you get Netflix and you get Hey You all in one subscription. Time to shake. So no faff? No faff at all. It's just all in one place for you. Absolutely brilliant. just like this margarita. And no juggling 17 subscriptions. Not at all, you've got just the one. Well, what should I watch though? Well, oh my God, I've been really loving Sky, Saturday Night Live UK. Yes, oh, what about Bridgerton on Netflix? Disney Plus, The Bear. Oh yes, love that one. Hey You, Below Deck. Oh, and HBO Max, The Pits.
23:25Alan Carr:You've got them all there, you're spoilt for choice, babes. And like I said, just like this margarita, It's simple, it's perfect and it's easy to do. No fuss, no faff. Do you know what? You've made this look very easy. I might even make one of these. Cheers. Bottoms up. Simple ingredients. Perfectly blended together. You can taste the carton lime. If you want the world's best TV all in one place, then all you have to do is head to sky.com and check out sky ultimate tv i think we should drink to that bottoms up so each week as you may know if you've watched or listened to this before uh we solve your wine dilemmas before we do that let me ring up david oh okay because it's playing on my mind okay go on i'm thinking i'm a liar it's not very nice to be called a liar okay okay OK, well, it's not very nice being lied to.
24:27Alan Carr:So let's see. This is, for anyone who doesn't know, this is actor David Ames, our lovely friend. Hello, David. David, you're live on Bottoms Up. Please do not swear. I've just been branded a liar, OK? Again. This is meant to be putting my mind at rest. Can you... Right, OK, so listen. So do you remember when you were dog-sitting, Rita? Yes. And didn't we come home and she had taken a coal off the fire and did a drawing? Yes. And you still have it in your desk drawer. It's in one of your notebooks and it was opened and she had taken coal from the fire and the lounge upstairs. And it literally looked like she had been doing drawings like Jack in Titanic.
25:15Alan Carr:She's a very clever dog. Paint me like one of your French bulldogs. LAUGHTER I'm so sorry, drawing about it. OK, you're going in a tunnel now. LAUGHTER Thank you, David, thank you. Well, I like that. Yes, you see? Thank you, David, bye! Well, that's awful for me. I've found out two of my friends are liars. Oh! LAUGHTER I'm going to ring someone else who's in the room... I'm going to ring Rita. LAUGHTER I'm drawing this off. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Please bring the drawing in next time. I'm going to bring the, like, show and tell. Yes, yes. She's a very clever dog. Anyway, so this is a dilemma.
26:01Alan Carr:Yeah, this is a show and tell of ours. We've got some wine dilemmas each week. We solve your questions, your queries, your dilemmas at Bottoms Show if you want to get in touch with us or bottomsup at listen.co.uk. Because we've all been there. We've been in the supermarket or you're online. Which wine do I get? And listen, you know, cost of living crisis, people want cheap wine these days. They do indeed. And this, well, this one's from Madison. I love the name Madison. It's quite a cool name, isn't it? Madison. It says, hi, my darlings, Alan and Lee. I'm 25 and... Forward, but anyway. I'm 25 and love an affordable, brackets, cheap.
26:43Alan Carr:They say that these days, it's not cheap, it's affordable. Fruity rosé or white. However, I have many friends at least 30 years my senior who have a, let's say, more expensive wife. Why is she hanging around with a load of old people? Is she a carer? For 55-year-olds, probably not. Look at me, I'm 50 this year. I know. I just don't, where's the time going? So, she says that they've got a little bit more of a sophisticated palate. Oh, for rich old people. Yeah, exactly. I'd love to know some wines, rosé or white, that I can take to our next party to impress them. Ones that scream, I know my wines, but ones my affordable taste buds will also enjoy.
27:29Alan Carr:So Madison hasn't yet kind of moved on. You know, she hasn't levelled up, upgraded her taste buds. No. Okay, so it's going to be tricky. You don't want your friends going, She's got little taste buds, but a Waitrose palette. Exactly. No. Well, no, little taste buds with Waitrose friends. Ah. Yeah, so she doesn't want to go and they're like, Oh, Madison, you don't know anything. You're so young, you're so naive. You're so young, Madison. I'm 50, don't you know? What was your young drink? Stink back, think back. Well, I made mead with the... I used to like Black Tower. I used to think I was it if I drank Black Tower.
28:19The thing is, it's surprising that we still drink, because I mean, it was awful.
28:23Alan Carr:Mad Dog 2020, disgusting. I used to like a cider, Scrumpy. Oh, a Scrumpy. A Scrumpy, a Scrumpy Jack. I used to like a Malibu. K cider, do you remember K? No. K cider, 6%. I used to like a Malibu. I used to drink Malibu and Coke. Really? Yeah, and I don't really like coconut. I don't know why I liked that. I once had Malibu and milk. Mmm, I know it sounds gross, but it was quite nice. Come off it. No, come off it. Malibu and milk? It was like, you Google Malibu and milk. It was classed as a cocktail. Shall we have that? Let's have that as the welcome drink. Let's have that as the welcome drink.
29:02Alan Carr:Malibu and milk for the next one. I bet it's disgusting. Malibu and milk? Oh, I don't really drink milk anymore. I'm an oak kind of guy. Anyway, back to Madison. Breaking news. Okay, so... On the front page. Okay, so this is Miraval. Mind you, that's not cheap, is it? That's expensive. So, yeah, this is Studio by Miraval. It's cheaper than Whispering Angel, isn't it? Yeah, and this is actually... Because Miraval is the more expensive one. This is Studio by Miraval, which is slightly more affordable. Oh, that's good. So you can have all the taste and it's a... So it's a bit, yeah, like it's a kind of gateway one.
29:44Alan Carr:It's a Provence rosé. It's the classy rosé character. You can't go wrong with it if you're wanting to appear chic at a party, which is exactly what Madison is doing. Oh, he's got a bite. Have I been bitten, may I? Oh, yes, you have. Who's bitten you? Someone's. It's not a human bite. I know I can be dizzy, but if someone's bitten my face, they normally know. Yeah, and it would catch it on camera. Yeah. Let's watch that footage back.
30:14Alan Carr:Dracula. Is there a gnat bite? Yeah, it looks like it's... Yeah, it's... Moth. You opened your wallet.
30:26Alan Carr:Yes, it is. Oh, God. Well, let's keep an eye on that. If my hair weren't receding, that would be covered up. That's crap being old. I think you'll be fine. You've got a rosé. The medicine. OK, so... Could I just have a Malibu and milk? OK. Hey, listen, you'll like this. Who owns Miraval? Brad Pitt. Who is ageing very well, I will say. I know, he is. He must have had some work done, surely. Yeah. So even if you don't know wine... How old is he, 70? 70? No. He's old, he's getting on, love. Someone please check how old Brad Pitt is. I'm sure he's not 70. He must be like 59, 60. Do you know what an interesting fact?
31:12Alan Carr:Yeah. Rita did a drawing of Brad Pitt.
31:19Alan Carr:Does she know how old he is? Imagine, in the gallery. Brad Pitt, charcoal, Rita. One out of one.
31:29Alan Carr:Would you... When was the fittest Brad Pitt's been? I think in seven. No, it's either Mr and Mrs Smith or Troy. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I probably said that a little too quickly, didn't I? Yeah, you didn't even think about that. It was quite revealing. Well, actually, with the hair and stuff, with the short hair. Yeah, he looked good then. That's a good twist seven with Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box. Spoiler alert, Bannon. How old is it? Can I say, I keep thinking I want to get a buzz cut. What's funny about that? I just wonder what I'd look like with, like, a proper buzz cut. But it's quite worrying.
32:12Alan Carr:It's like sometimes I shave. I think I'm going to shave my beard off and I always look weird. No, no, no, I wouldn't have a buzz cut. Really? What about a halfway pixie cut? Yeah, maybe. Or a mullet. I could grow it out and get a mullet. You see, I'm so pissed off. You've got options with hair. I haven't got... Well, I haven't. You have. You could dye it. I'm great and you've you know you've got you accessorise it with a bite your hair's got bite right well listen I've had loads of this before yeah it is and I think this is good and also it comes from a classy yes if Brad Pitt made it well yeah well I don't think he made it but that could be good if he actually got in yeah but Basically, this is the studio by Mirabelle.
33:04Alan Carr:So you've got that kind of sophisticated one where you like... Because Madison's probably as well, you know, I'm not casting aspersions, but she's probably not got, you know, as much disposable income, which suggests from a dilemma she hasn't, than these 55-year-old friends of hers. Yeah, yeah. So, okay, this is a good one. It's delicious as well. Yeah, very nice. Let's move on to... Val! La Val. I bet some of her old friends are probably called Val. Yeah, yeah, Laval. Hey, Alval. Got your name on it. From Miraval to Val.
33:39Alan Carr:So this is the Albarino. Good with fish, apparently. And it's basically, this says I've moved beyond basic Sauvignon Blanc. Because that's a bit, everyone goes for a subby bee, don't they? Yeah. Albarino sounds impressive, but tastes super approachable. It's zesty, it's peachy, it's citrusy. Basically, Sauvignon Blanc's cooler cousin. Your line to press at the party would be, I've been really into Spanish wines lately, particularly coastal wine, which pairs amazingly with food. Are they going to believe Madison when she says that? If I know Madison, then I don't want to. You don't. If I know Madison.
34:16Alan Carr:You don't know Madison. No. No, like, she's not. Is it a Madison thing to say? What? This goes nice with fish. I didn't even know this woman. I didn't say that. Did you see that? Are you listening to a word? Not saying. What are you on about? I've been... You're going, I know, Madison. You don't. What's wrong with you? It says here the line to use would be, I've been really into Spanish wines lately. You know I ate wines. This is lovely. This is lovely. It is actually really nice, this. But, I don't know, Laval. That's the thing. They might go, hmm, Laval. That brought me friend, Val. It sounds like French for value, doesn't it?
35:02Alan Carr:Yeah, yeah, yeah, Val. So basically, albarino is the grape variety, Spanish, and it's like a Sauvignon Blanc, but you're kind of elevating above that. So if you like a Sauvignon Blanc, you'd go for something like that. Well, this is nice. I can see this going out and it's not overpowering and it's not clacky. Well, I prefer that to a Sauvignon Blanc because I wouldn't usually go for that. So if I went into a restaurant and went, oh, can I have an albarino? it would be this kind of thing. Yeah. Oh, that's good to know. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I'm like, oh, rosé. Rosé kind of guy. But yeah, I'd have that.
35:35Alan Carr:And she'll sound instantly knowledgeable and well-traveled. She's levelled up a little bit with her friends there. So that's the Laval Albarino. That's actually£13 as well. So that's pretty good. That's good, isn't it? All right. Then, finally, we have the Chablis. This says, I know French wine, but you're still approachable. Shabli gets instant, apparently, respect from the elders. The elders.
36:04And is crisp, citrusy and slightly...
36:07Alan Carr:You see, I wish you hadn't said about the senior friends because I'm just imagining her she's going like they're all going, Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. Have you seen that footage on TikTok when they go, hello, everyone, having a good time? Can we just talk about that? There's TikTok people and they come in and it's always some, dare I say, some camp man just performing to these, you know, people in nursing homes. And you can tell, some of them aren't enjoying it. Some of them are not enjoying it. No, I know, I know. And it's like, it's nice to meet you. I'm telling you what I'm in. And they're just like, it's like, stop this madness.
36:45Alan Carr:Yeah, yeah. I just want to play Scrabble. I know. And then I just get out the way of the telly and watch it. Yeah, yeah. You can come down with me. Tipping points on. I want to watch Ben Shepard, not you. And also, can I, I'm, you know, I'm much older than you, but can I just say, when I do eventually lose my marbles, don't come round and film me and put it on social media. Why? Why? I don't want to be on the funny interviews. I hate that when they're like that and they're like, oh, hello, and all this, it's not fair. Let them, bit of dignity at the end. Yeah, yeah, of course. I promise to do that.
37:23Alan Carr:You've got that on camera. April 4th.
37:32Alan Carr:Right, come on, this is a shablis. God, Paul Madison's probably their age by now. My friends have died.
37:43Alan Carr:Stop it now. That's mean. Can I just pull you up on something? when you say things you have a habit of saying these outrageous things then saying to me stop it now you said it it's called deflection oh good one so Chablis, French wine you're still approachable it gets instant respect like I said crisp, citrusy slightly mineral but not too heavy now your face is saying you're not into that alright not into that okay well Madison's line at the party would be I've been getting into Chablis recently is un-oaked. I was going to say un-cloaked then. It's un-oaked Chardonnay, so it's much fresher. You're not massively keen on a Chardonnay.
38:26Alan Carr:No, I think, you know what? For me, I think Laval. Really? Even though I don't like the font or the label. And this is a big thing for you not to choose a rosé. I know. And that was coaxed to Provence. This is, yeah, this is plot twist. Yeah, I think Laval, because Madison's still going to get that kind of taste from the Sauvignon Blanc style, but she's just gone a little bit up. So I would do that. But actually, they're all delicious. They're all really tasty. But I think, you know, this gets... I mean, Brad Pitt, he gets enough press. Yeah, he's got enough money without Madison having to fund it.
38:59So I think Laval, pop that round there like that. It's an albarino. Yeah, perfect. Spanish.
39:06Alan Carr:Spanish. Here we go, Laval. Cheers, Madison. Bottoms up. Bottoms up, Madison. Guess what? this week we've got a bonus dilemma Shall we do a jingle? Bonus dilemma Bonus dilemma Bonus dilemma Bonus Dilemma That was a bit Nessun Dorma then I frightened myself Nessun Dormat Dormant I frightened myself You always sing opera on this podcast Do what? Yeah it's a thing Ah! Not again. OK. Come on. Hi, boys. OK. Bit forward. Oh, this guy's called Lee. Oh. Oh, God. I wonder if he's a narcissist as well. What was it? I said the other day, Meta, Instagram, have done this weird thing now with reels. So you can put up a reel and it said, would you like to translate?
40:09Alan Carr:Use AI and translate your reel to different languages. Yes. I said yes, came up, it was me talking in Spanish. Yes. And this is a bit weird to say, but is it odd? I kind of fancied myself.
40:29Alan Carr:OK. I was like, Spanish me is like... Yeah. It upset me that I'm not Spanish. So, Lee and Brett. I always wanted to be called Brett. I love that name.
40:45Alan Carr:Sorry, read the dilemma. Shall we get back to their problems?
40:53Alan Carr:Me and my husband Brett are in Cape Town. I wore a cape once.
41:01It's the longest.
41:05Alan Carr:Shall I please get to the end of this? Oh, God. Me and my husband Brett are in Cape Town at the moment and we are obviously going to bring lots of wine back in our suitcase. Good. Any top tips for transporting wine back without it smashing? I've heard of using nappies before, but we don't have any kids. Ooh. Ha, ha. Love the pod. love Lee and Brett. Well, firstly, I think it might be a bit weird if people know you don't have kids and they spot you in the supermarket buying nappies. Yes. People might be like, what are you up to? And that's going to take up a lot of space if you do put nappies in there.
41:43Alan Carr:And nappies are expensive. I would always put... Sometimes I would shove a bottle in, like, a shoe. So, like, you know, and then I'll wrap it in something without it smashing. What about they pop the nappy on and then put the wine down the front of the nappy? Great idea. They get as far as the airport to security and it would be taken from them. OK. So that's probably not going to work. He's bad enough being told to remove your shoes and belt. Can you take your nappy off?
42:25Alan Carr:Can you imagine, is it nappies offeron?
42:33Alan Carr:Nappies, I've never heard that. Well, I'm going to learn, I'm going to teach you something now. Ooh, OK, go on. Now, we all like words, don't we? Love them. So if I said to you, pop a little fiasco in your suitcase. You've told me this before, I can't remember. Back in the day, in the 15th, 16th century, when Mona Lisa was around, you would have a cart and then you would put a wrapper round the wine that was called a fiasco. Oh. Because when the, if the cart tipped over, all the chaos would ensue and you'd have a fiasco. Oh, I love that. So that's a fiasco. That's great. So, Brett Lee, pop a fiasco.
43:15Alan Carr:Yes, absolutely. Get some fiasco in your suitcases, pop them round. Or maybe a pop sock? Would you wear a pop sock? I think wrapping towels or like, and also put them like underneath. But don't, you can actually, like in Cape Town, we had some transported back. Do you remember when you accidentally almost had, you... Well, I was pissed and they, to be fair, they needed to make it a bit more. I ordered quite a lot of bottles of wine, but I ticked the wrong box and it was olive oil. Yeah, so you nearly ended up with 100 bottles of olive oil. I know, how pissed off would I be? I'd be mad. I hate olive oil.
43:57Alan Carr:Oh, apparently there's a bra that can hold a bottle of wine, this is similar to the nappies one, with a straw in the strap to sip from. No, no, no. You know what my mum used to do? When she used to go to the cricket, she'll probably be... Well, actually, she was proud of herself for this. they wouldn't ever let you take drinks back in the day, take your own drink to the cricket. Yeah. She was like, they charge astronomical prices there. So my mum, always one for a bargain, you're allowed to take sealed soft drinks, so she would pierce a hole into it. Oh, my God. And for about three days solid...
44:33Alan Carr:That ocean's a level. I know. Three days solid, she would filter out the orange juice and then in the pints. Oh, so not just on the day, she would build up. No, she was building up to it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She planned it. And then she resealed it. Resealed it. And then as she sipped that Pimm's, it tasted better. Because she'd got one down with the system. She'd beaten the system. Exactly. And that always tasted it. It doesn't matter at your moment. She really is. Play by the rules. I like it. We should get her on. No, she doesn't really drink wine. Anyway. She doesn't drink wine? Are you sure you're not adopted?
45:10Are you sure you're a son?
45:13Alan Carr:Or, listen, Lee and Brett, I've got the answer. Drink the wine. Yeah. Just drink it. Just drink the wine. Don't bring it home. Just drink it. Then you've got a suitcase full of space in your suitcase full. Mouse mat, fridge magnets. Exactly. And as ever, always do remember to drink responsibly. You're wearing a bra. When you're popping on your nappy, drink responsibly. Lee and Brett, we're pleased for that. I think who needs an expert when you've got us? I know, yeah. Get that nappy on. If you've enjoyed this episode of Bottoms Up, well, join us next week where we'll be talking to an actual real-life butler who's going to tell us everything about butlering.
46:03Alan Carr:Nice. Is that the official term for it? No. Without skim, butlins. Also, he's going to be telling us, like etiquette, how to pour wine correctly, how to drink it looking sophisticated, how not to spill it down yourself and much, much more. So we want to hear from you. And don't forget to follow us on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts because every week a new episode of Bottoms Up will be dropping and we'd love you to listen and watch along. If you do want to get in touch, please do email us bottomsupatlisten.co.uk or on socials at bottomsupshow. and don't forget to leave us a review thanks for listening guys this has been Bottoms Up with Alan Carr and Lee Peard and it's a Listen production Bottoms Up
From the publisher
This week on Bottoms Up! it’s April Fool’s Day… so what do Alan and Lee have planned for each other?
The boys swap stories about their best (and worst) excuses when calling in sick to work - and share their top tips for pulling off a convincing sicky. Plus, who ended up in a coma after an all-you-can-eat buffet?!
They put PrePear to the test to see if it really cures a hangover - washing it down with a questionable mix of tequila and wine, and a proper classic margarita courtesy of Lee.
Lee’s worried he’s put on weight (Alan is not helping), and after a brutal leg day, the lads talk fitness before things take a turn when Alan reveals his dog Rita has been making art with fireplace coals.
Plus, this week’s dilemma: Madison from Manchester needs an affordable wine to impress her older friends - and the boys also share their tips on bringing bottles back from abroad.
Drinks featured:
- PrePear Juice
-Tequila, Lime & Soda
- Classic Margarita (Tequila, Triple Sec & Lime)
- Studio by Miraval Rosé
- La Val Albariño
- Chablis Esprit de Chablis
Chapters:
00:00 - Coming Up…
00:24 - April Fool’s Day & Fake Sick Day Stories
05:59 - Alan & Lee Test a Hangover Cure… Does It Work?
09:48 - Has Lee Put On Weight?
15:37 - Alan’s Dog Made WHAT?!
20:20 - Lee’s Perfect Margarita Recipe
23:26 - Cheap Wines That Fool Everyone
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