Dating App Disasters, Dinner Ladies and Celebrity Lookalikes

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1:22It's my era. Anne Rice's The Vampire List. All new Sundays at 9, exclusively on AMC and AMC+. Stream now.

1:33Alan Carr:Every outfit starts with a choice. What am I wearing underneath? Something comfortable? And let's be honest, something that keeps everything looking smooth. That's where Vanity Fair lingerie comes in. Their new smoothing wireless bra has four-way stretch fabric for all over smoothing, soft, lightly lined cups for a natural shape, and no wire comfort that lasts all day. All over smooth, all day comfort. Vanity Fair lingerie. Find yours at Target today. She opened the app. She just thought, oh, Alan likes long walks, jigsaws. You've got to say something else then. Who cares about your friend James?

2:10Alan Carr:I'm just trying to contextualise things. My friend James. Why don't you do the podcast with him? Like being back in the traitor's castle. Please don't mention it again. I'm sick of it. I'm more than a cloak. I bet you were like that Kim Dong-il. Yes, that person. Kim Jong-un. Who will be joining us next week on episode four.

2:45Alan Carr:Welcome to Bottoms Up brought to you by Leifways. I'm Alan Carr. And I'm Lee Peart. Now, if you don't know the difference between a Shiraz and a Chardonnay, then this podcast is for you. Yeah, in this series, we are debunking wine myths. We're demystifying the wonderful but slightly complex world of wine. And we're doing two of our favourite things, uncorking a bottle or two and having a good old gossip. But we want you to get involved. Do email us, bottomsup at listen.co.uk and follow us at bottomsupshow. Send us a little DM, sending all your questions, dilemmas, queries and sip-ups. Because buying wine can be a bit of a minefield, or should I say vinefield.

3:28Alan Carr:Oh, please, thank you. Very well done. I might go home now because I'm not going to top that. You know what I say? If it's not punny, it's not funny. I love it. Thank you. Now listen. It's your turn to buy the wine. I've had a little glimpse and I see the word orange. Orange wine. And it's made in Asitika Vidiano. Asitika, tell me what's wrong. Oh, it is Greece. And that's where Mamma Mia was filmed, was it? Yes, I think so. Yes. Set, maybe. Set, yeah. What? It was set in Greece. Yes, and filmed in Greece. Was it? I thought it was filmed somewhere else. This isn't important. But it's Greek. It's Greek.

4:17Alan Carr:So go on. There's white shutters and everything. There's white shutters. Well, my friend's got white shutters, but she lives in Leeds. She's not Meryl Streep. I'm going to say this right now. I've only had orange wine once and I didn't like it. I actually went, yeah, but I want to like it. My friends love it. And I've got this thing where I'm like, it was a bit like Bloody Marys back in the day. I hated Bloody Marys, but I really... You love a Bloody Mary now. I love a Bloody Mary, but I used to want to like it. I felt like it was sophisticated. And I do feel that with orange wine. I went on a date a few years ago and it didn't work out.

4:48Alan Carr:It was the most cheers. Bottoms up. Bottoms up. It was the most lovely man. And he took me on this date. It was round at his. It was like the second or third date. He went out. He carved out coconuts from the local market to serve ceviche in the coconut bowls. He sounds a bit desperate. I'm just saying we're all thinking it. But he served me orange wine. And I was like... And it didn't. And I really thought the effort he's gone into, but let me try this. What made you choose this? Well, I... Because I hate it. Yes. I wonder if you have flashbacks to that date. Oh, do you know what? I don't hate it, actually.

5:30Alan Carr:Yeah, I'm like you. I'm not so keen on orange wine, but I like this one because it's got that kind of eccentricity of orange wine. It's a bit savoury. Yeah. Yes, yeah. And also, because I spent summer with Amanda Holden in Corfu. Of course you did. For the Greek job. And one of the things is, I love the Greeks. And even though geographically they're nowhere near us, they are so similar, I think, to us British, you know. They like a drink. They like to eat. They've got a twinkle in their eye. And they sort of have our sense of humour. We're having such a laugh. And yet, they're so generous when you sit down to have a meal with them.

6:07Alan Carr:And I always go for the rosé from France, Provence rosé. and they are offended, you know, when they bring out the orange wine. They do, you know, and they're like, and then they start smashing the plates and you're like, well, diplomatic incident. And then I realise it's a tradition. But I think it's nice, it's nice. And I just wish when I was in Greece I'd had more Greek orange wine. You do that thing, don't you? You try it and you're like, yes, yes. And then you're like, you just want what you want. Yeah, I know. And they are offended, aren't they? because they're so generous. Well, I was in Greece while you were as well, but I wasn't in Corfu.

6:44Alan Carr:I was in Hania. And I did that thing. I know one Greek, well, it's not a saying, but I know, that on ketos drepsou. What's that? I will destroy you. Oh my God. How, why would that be a phrase you would use? Well, I say, I remember I said it because it was like, I used to say, my friend's Greek and I used to say, I'll destroy them. And so I once said, how do you say it in Greek? And then it was like, that on ketos drepsou. So I used to say it to waiters just as like, this is what I know. And they'd go, oh, oh. And I remember saying it to this particularly gay waiter. I said, sat on Catastrepso.

7:19Alan Carr:And he went, oh. He was loving it. It took on a different meaning. And it's interesting, this series, because, you know, I've been single for a while. Yes. And Amanda put me on the apps. And I sort of have a bit of a celebs go dating. I go on some dates on camera there with some Greek gods. Oh, do you? And how did that go down? Well, you'll have to wait and see. But just to let you know, Amanda is an ally and all that, but she didn't realise how intense gay dating is because she applied on the app for me. And, of course, they wanted specifics about, you know, downstairs. She put me down as a Dom top.

8:02Alan Carr:You're more Dom perignon.

8:07Alan Carr:That's a compliment. It is, it is. So yeah, and then obviously she's never seen me naked, so she's had to guess some of the measurements. What did she guess? I'm not telling you. Come on. No. Was she generous? She was very generous. Amanda is a very generous co-host, especially when it comes to penis size. She was shocked she didn't realise because she opened the app. She just thought, oh, Alan likes long walks, jigsaws. You've got to say something else then.

8:42Alan Carr:Jigsaws, dog walking. But I don't think she realised how hardcore, because it is all sex, sex, sex, you see. Yeah, and a lot of people now want voice notes. You have the thing where you put a little voice note on the app. I can't put a voice note with... Why not? Your voice is iconic. Yeah, but it's hardly sexy, is it? Hello, it's Alan. They'll just think an elderly lady has pressed a voice note by mistake. So did it go well or do we have to tune in to find out? You'll have to tune in to see. But, you know, I've never really been that public about me dating and stuff. And then the producer said, you know, are you comfortable now?

9:16Alan Carr:And I am ready to go dating. But the thing with this is I just wanted to go along with them and next time I'm in Greece to say, yeah, give me some orange wine because it's not actually made from oranges, you know. Yeah, and also we can't just keep turning up with the rosé because someone said, I think I've read one of the comments on episode one. I can't remember fully what it was, but someone put, we're going on a wine journey. We love a rosé. And they said, God help us all. They were basically like, this is going to be a long journey. But we are on episode three. We're on our little wine course, our journey, our odyssey.

9:50Alan Carr:Do you think we're good students so far? Have you been remembering about texture? Yes, I've been learning that. I've told so many people as well about that seconds thing. Yes, yes, yes. Petrol station. Petrol. I have it as a mixer. So it's nearly Christmas, as you can see. We'll be heading up to Grimsby. I'm back up to Grimsby. It's a bit of a weird... What's a Grimsby Christmas like? I'm imagining a bit like Scrooge. You know, like... Well, Eloise is doing chips. No, I'm just going to... Every episode, I'm going to try and cram that in. Chips, yeah. No, I'm at my parents' this year. But it's a bit of a weird time.

10:26Alan Carr:And I will say, because in a couple of weeks, so my day job, as you know, is I work at Loose Women and they're getting rid of the audience in the new year. Usually I'd go quite early, but I'm going on the 23rd because that's the last Loose Women day. So that's my final end of the era. You love that job as well. I do, I do. I get on with them all very much. So yeah, back up with my parents. What are you doing? I'm Northampton with my mum and dad and everything. That's nice, isn't it? I'm keen and I've seen a glimpse in Changing Ends of what you were like in school your brilliant sitcom on ITV I just wonder what you were like were you a good student you seem quite like you have a quest for knowledge I do like knowledge yeah yes because I was head boy oh I bet you abused that power I bet you were like that Kim Dong Il yes that person Kim Jong Un all right Who will be joining us next week on episode four.

11:22Alan Carr:Well, I'll be on question time. Talking to leaders. No, is that? Yeah, yeah. It looks like Michael McIntyre. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, yeah. Him. Yeah, the North Korean version. So I... Head boy. I was head boy. I bet you abused the power. I can just see you doing that. The thing is, and I have realised through therapy and other things, like, I don't... How bad was you at school? You had therapy. I wasn't sent to therapy because of being head boy. But my first, and I used to call them decrees. And imagine me in Grimsby as head boy. I used to like, I got really into the role. I don't think I would have liked you at school.

12:00Alan Carr:No, you would have. Well, you definitely would have if you were a prefect. Because my first thing was all prefects get to skip the queue for lunch. So elitist. Oh my God. I know. So I was like, if you're a prefect, you go in. The rest, you have to queue. I was quite corrupt in that sense. and I used to walk around. I started calling the teachers by their first names because I considered them equals. Genuinely. I know it was really bad and I'm open to saying it wasn't good. At one point, I acquired a master key for all the rooms and I would walk around and I'd be like, I've got the master key and I'd just go into rooms.

12:37Alan Carr:Oh my God, I bet you thought you were too big to chat to a dinner lady. No, I used to walk around, I'd be like, hi, Joan. I knew all the dinner ladies' first names. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, what were you like? You used to hang around the dinner ladies, get all the gossip and stuff, yeah. Oh. You remind me a bit of a dinner lady. Thanks, darling. You should see me in a tabard. No, I was, I never, wasn't a school rat. I used to get thrown out for laughing all the time. Yeah. All the time for laughing. And then I used to do this as well and get other people sent out for laughing. I put them here like this.

13:15Alan Carr:On your eyelids? On the eyelids, and I'd pull it down like that. Oh, you'd pull it down. Like that, and then it looks like that, and then I'd turn round and pull a face. They would laugh, and then, but, back to normal. Back to normal. And the teacher would go, what are you laughing at, Hayley? And she'd go, Alan, Alan's face. And I'd go, excuse me, this is my face. You see, and then they'd get sent out. Like being back in the traitor's castle. Please don't mention it again. I'm sick of it. I'm more than a cloak.

13:50Alan Carr:So, what do you think of that? Will you be having orange wine again from Greece? It has, it's popped me back on the bandwagon because I don't mind it, I quite like it and I was always like, no, no, no, no, I'm ready to go on, yeah, onto orange. I think a few ice cubes sitting in a deck chair looking at the Aegean Sea and I think this is going down a treat. Perfect. Bottoms up.

14:15Alan Carr:For every situation, there is a perfect bottle. And with our friends at Laithwaite's, we're here to lighten the load. Lee, please uncork another dilemma. Well, this one is from Tom and he's from Chester. Okay. So Tom says, I'm organising my office Christmas party and I need your help. Last year's ended up in a bit of a fiesta. He ended up in a fiesta. Was he dogging? Tom, it's not that kind of podcast No, it's my bad Last years ended up in a bit of a festive fiasco Oh, fiasco When Tom ended up overindulging And made a bit of a fool of himself He says, what's the perfect welcome drink That says to his bosses I'm sophisticated and I've changed Rather than I need supervision So he's obviously made a little bit of a tit of himself Do you remember last year with that cleaner?

15:15Alan Carr:Tom, you... Tom. I hope you're... Yeah, that's the worst. It's like when you wake up, isn't it? And you go down and everyone's like... Beer fear. Tom's got the beer fear, all right? And we need to help him out. We've got three here from Laithwaite. The first one, let's go for the Ribola Jala Spumante Cuvée. Ooh, let's have a look. I hope I've said that right. And a fizz. You can't go wrong with a fizz. No. And look at it. I like it. It's got like a wax seal on it. You know I've got my own personalised wax seal. Why am I not surprised? Sending all those poison pen letters.

15:55Alan Carr:I thought you were aiming the cork at my face. Oh, as if. Look, you turn the bottle. Oh, nice. An Italian fizz this is. That's not Prosecco. It's a great festive fizz for your co-workers, but it's a little bit more sophisticated. It's slightly elevated, isn't it? Yes. This Italian one. It does feel Christmassy, doesn't it, when you hear that pop? And lemon zest. What do you think? I'm getting lemon. Wait till the end, then the lemon comes in. See, that's delicious. Because I know people still love Prosecco, but I'm starting to want to go a little bit upper level. Because people go, I don't like champagne.

16:38Alan Carr:I only like Prosecco's if they want a medal or something. It's a medal, you know what I mean? Yeah, and also... You know what, I love it. Classy bottle. Gorgeous. And also, I think, and I know this is shallow, but anything Robola Ghella, it sounds like, I know, Italian. Exactly. Yeah. And I'm sorry for what I did last year, but let's call it quits. Scusi. It's just... It's just... It's just... It's just... It's just... It's just... I am. Tom's travelled a lot. Tom doesn't know where he is. All right, something a little bit different. We're going to move on to the Berenice Davila White Port. Well, this is actually Port and Tonic.

17:14Alan Carr:This is what Lathwaite has suggested, which is a combo lower in alcohol than a G &T and a fantastic start to any party. You can tell I'm getting old now. I can't read anything after do that. Oh, no. You need your nose thing that your mum bought you. I am thinking of getting them on a chain. Oh, don't you? Do you reckon it is easier? You'll be like Prue Leith. who I love. I look like Prue Leaf. You do a little bit. I do. You're like a young Prue Leaf. You do and if it was on a chain and especially like if you've got a really colourful outfit. Yes. Yeah. Prue Leaf. You've never seen you and Prue in the same room.

17:53Alan Carr:No, no. All right. So how much port do you put in how many things? Well not the whole bottle. Oh please. Just pop it in and we'll see. You'll be able to tell. Well I don't know I've never poured port. It gives me a splitting headache. I'm worried about it. Yeah but this is with tonic so it's actually lower. I think that's fine. I don't know. I've never poured port. Do you want me to do your... And who's this Baroness of the Villa White Porto? Oh, I'm glad you asked. And I don't know. Thank you. Informative and entertaining. Listen, it's lower in alcohols because of the tonic. So it's a bit like...

18:28Alan Carr:Tom needs that. Yeah, and also it's a bit like... I would say it's a bit basic to go, all right, you welcome drinks of G &T, but what about a P &T? Yeah. A port and tonic. Fantastic start to any party. Here we go. That's nice. Oh, my God, that's delicious. I would never, ever have this. That gives you a little bit of a... Oh, that's rich. Do you know what? It makes it into a little bit of a ginger ale-y type, but with a sweetness to it. Oh, look, it's got a lovely sweetness. You've read that before. Stop trying to be intelligent. Are you getting caramel? I'm getting a bit of caramel caramel let me do my palate oh yeah so serving a glass you're clearly not you're just saying that well no listen knotty flavours with citrus and caramel caramel it is it is lovely refreshing this is lovely and it's refreshing yeah I'm not even going to taste the third one I think this is what Tom should have well I think you should give the third one a go just for the sake of this item yeah what's this one then it's a dry sherry it's a Barbadillo Fino dry sherry alright so they say you know you might think sherry is what grandmas drink but it has and I will say this it has become quite fashionable my friend James he likes a nice sherry and likes you know after a meal so dry style of sherry made from Palomino name dropping Who cares about your friend James?

20:04Alan Carr:I'm just trying to contextualise things. My friend James. Why don't you do the fucking podcast with him? James. Right, focus. So, south of Spain in a truly unique way, all right? It's got tangy freshness with flavours of apple and green olive. Apparently, it's ideal with tapas or party canapes. So if Tom has laid on a little bit of picky bits, my personal preference, I don't always go for a sherry.

20:42Alan Carr:However, that is delicious. But if you like sherry, now I will say from Tom's context, if you like sherry, you will love that. But I wonder whether is it a bit of a risk from a party situation where not everyone will like sherry. For me, it's port. I didn't like port, but I love port in that port. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, listen, if you love sherry, you're going to love that. I don't like sherry. No, and I think if he wants to be on the safe side, I would go for the sparkling. You can't go wrong with that. Delicious. If you want to go a little bit, and he does want to distract port and tonic, everyone's going to be talking about his P &Ts.

21:20Alan Carr:If he wants to say he's changed, he's changed. Yeah. Complete change. All right, shall we go for the port? Let's go for the port. I'm going for something a little bit different, yeah. I'm going for the port and tonic. This is a revelation. I could drink this on holiday. Remember, always drink responsibly, and if you need any more information, please visit drinkaware.co.uk. And don't forget to head to leifweights.co.uk forward slash bottoms up, where all of this and that delicious port could be delivered to your door. Tom, have a great Christmas party. I hope it goes swimmingly. Cheers, Tom. Enjoy your party.

21:55Alan Carr:Don't make a tit of yourself again. This episode of Bottoms Up is brought to you by Leifweights. Wines delivered straight to your door. They're also a family-run business and have been going for over 50 years. Five stars on Trustpilot and winner of Wine Retailer of the Year 2025. And if that's not enough, new customers get 30 % off their first order. Perfect for Christmas. Always remember to drink responsibly and for more information, do please visit drinkaware.co.uk. Also, don't forget to go to leifweights.co.uk forward slash bottoms up for wine delivered straight to your door.

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23:32Alan Carr:Joining us now is an award-winning writer, broadcaster, wine enthusiast who's been snipping, sipping and swirling wine for 25 years. It's Helena Nickley. Helena, how are you? I'm wonderful. Thanks for having me. How are you? We're very well. We're very well indeed. Thanks for being here. Tell us a bit about that. How did you get into wine? Oh, gosh. Well, I started by drinking it and enjoying it. As everyone does. Yeah, but I was lucky enough to live in Italy when I was doing some studying and that sort of did it, you know. Oh. So you were surrounded by... I was. It was the romance of it because they do it so well over there.

24:11Think of an enoteca, floor to ceiling bottles, dark wood, drippy candles, that sort of thing. How long did you live in Italy?

24:17Alan Carr:A year. And did you have any Italian romances with wine? That's a bit. Personally. I want to know. With wine? Yeah. Oh, well, that's where I got into Italian wine, yeah. But no, I met a Frenchman when I was out there. You met a Frenchman? Yeah. In Italy? Yeah. Whatever next. They can travel. Yes, okay. Good point, good point. Has anyone ever said you look like Jodie Comer? Actually, they have a couple of times. You look just like her. I love you so much. Doesn't you look just like her? So we've got Jodie in Prue Leaf. It's lovely. Yeah, and don't you think he looks a bit like J.D. Vance? Oh, for God's sake.