Fatberg Under Alan’s House, Attempted Kidnapping & a Milk + Rum Cocktail?!

22:12Alan Carr:My dad got me one for Christmas. You got a decanter for Christmas? Yes, because we do a Secret Santa thing and my dad, he was like, oh, he likes wine. and I'll get him a decanter. And I personally think they look so, like, elegant. It just gives a touch of je ne sais quoi, doesn't it? I love them. But they're a bit faffy. They are. And we spoke about this a couple of weeks ago with Tom Gilby, Magic Balls. Magic Balls are right here. I loved that episode. So couldn't not bring them after Tom mentioned them. Oh, see, really, I thought they'd be bigger. I thought you'd have bigger balls. For those of you listening.

22:51Alan Carr:He's got some balls. Use your imagination. He's got some balls. Do you reckon they'll ever do a travel decanter? That would be amazing. I'd buy one. I would buy one. That's what I want for Christmas. A travel one. Yeah. One that like folds up. Yeah, yeah. I can see it now. I'm going to get to it before you guys do. I think that would sound... See you on Dragon Center, Dan. So talk us through then. Okay, so what does a decanter do? Why are they good? So a decanter is not just for show. it has two very specific reasons. One is to remove sediment. And sediment, or as some people call it, wine diamonds, which I love.

23:27Alan Carr:Oh my God, I've never heard that and I'm obsessed. Wine diamonds. So sediment will happen with an older bottle if you think 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 30 years. And it's just, the sediment is just a natural byproduct of the wine aging. Because a lot of people think that it's bad if they've got sediment, but it's not really, is it? Look, it's not harmful. It's not great. it's going to make your glass look weird. It's going to taste a little bit of, could stick around your lips. It's not the best thing to have. And if you're decanting a bottle too, it's going to look really green coming down there.

23:57So that's the first reason why you're decant, if you decant an older wine is to remove the sediment. And then the second reason is to aerate wine. And you would do this normally with fuller bodied wines, old and young. So you'd have a Bordeaux or Barolo, a Cote d 'Aron a Chateauneuf de Pat a Chateauneuf de Pat and then if you think with the newer wines when they're in the bottle if you think of them as sleeping that's probably the best way to think about it and by putting oxygen into them aerating them, putting them into the canter you're waking them up and you're bringing out all the flavours and all the smells and you're giving it the opportunity to reach its full potential

24:38Alan Carr:because they say when you open a bottle of wine you say let it breathe but i read once that that because the the the tip of the wine the what you call that top bit the cork yeah like it's a small surface area whereas this one lets it breathe better it gets more oxygen into it it does this super accelerates so this type of decanter it's a wide bottom and a wide neck and this is predominantly for younger wines because younger wines will need um more oxygen to bring them alive and maybe a little bit longer for them so you decant a younger wine maybe an hour before you want to drink it for an older wine you're probably looking at something more narrower with a smaller base a smaller old bottom an old bottom yeah sick of old bottoms and you know you maybe decant that maybe 15 minutes before so maybe think of it The old wine's been asleep for longer, doesn't need as much sleep.

25:38Alan Carr:Oh, and tell us, when you're working at party, how much should you have in a wine glass? I mean, I suppose you're looking around going, Lee's empty or Alice, I guess. What is the amount that you put in? You know, for the first glass, I'd probably come to about here. Yes. And then you gauge... An inch in the bottom. An inch in the bottom. And then you gauge how quick people are drinking it. and then you fill accordingly to how people are consuming their wine. Oh, so what would you say if I was maybe flaying around talking about my life and stuff like that? Would you say, oh, maybe sir would like some water?

26:15Alan Carr:Oh, gosh, no, no, no, that's not what I meant. No, no, if you were having a lovely time, I'd fill you really high. Really? Yes, you're there to enjoy yourself. Oh, my God, so even at my car, so if I'm being annoying, you'll go, very good, sir. Very good, sir. Let's give you some more. And you wouldn't stop me? It's not my place. You've got the job. He's great. You're hired. Dan, what would you do? Would Alan like to put some clothes on at the dinner table? No. Dan, what would you do if he gets up, walks over to where the wine is, you know, grabs it and pours himself it? Is that, would you be furious?

26:57Alan Carr:Do you think he's overstepped the mark there? Do you know what? I'm going to tell you, in all honesty, it would never happen because I'm that good around the table. Oh! Woo-hoo! I lied myself. Too hot! Nobody has to ask twice. Sometimes you don't have to ask at all when I'm at the table. And it's something that I love. And that sounds really braggy, and I don't mean it wrong. No, no brag away. But I just take so much pride in, you know, taking care of people. I hope I have the table completely under control. But how many can you take? What's your capacity? On my own, 30. add a push 25 is a good number 15 and we're talking about dinner parties right absolutely we have a classy guest on oh okay an inch in the bottom an older bottom thank you anyway so are we gonna I'm guessing buy this lovely bottle of Barolo that you are holding is this one of your favourites no I'd like a Barolo this is something Fabulous Harry picked up because a Barolo was on my list as a wine that is good to go in a decanter.

28:01He is good, Harry. He is good. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a taste of this before we decant it.

28:07Alan Carr:So is this so we taste the difference? You should absolutely taste the difference. I mean, this is a young wine, and obviously we're not going to be giving it an hour before the next gulp, but there should be some difference. And are we having it in the wine glass or the tunnock? In whatever mug you want. Would you like it in the tunnocks? No, we'll stick to glass. Please, please. Okay, so you're pouring this and we're meant to taste the difference of what it will be without being decanted. And so how old is this one then? How long would you leave this? This is a 2020, so I would do this. Relatively new, is that then?

28:42Yeah, I'd do an hour before drinking.

28:45Alan Carr:Because the thing is as well, it just looks a bit classy on the table, doesn't it? But if you've got a group of 30 people, how many decanters would you have for that? Would they be dotted around or would you just keep refilling them? Both. both i always have a set of backup decanters for a big backup decanters um dinner so i'll have the main decanters the travel decanters the travel decanters that's where we're gonna need a bigger decanter shall we have a taste of this so this is a non so what do we do then do we um sniff it yeah give it a smell lovely stuff love it do we look at the legs look at the legs that does smell Oh, nice.

29:27Alan Carr:Okay. Should be like strawberries and cherries. Yeah, definitely fruity. Oh, really nice. Does it taste good? It tastes lovely. You've not tasted it yet. How long should we wait until we get it down us? Is there etiquette in that? We can't wait an hour. No. I've got an Ocado delivery coming up. So then with the decanter, so I just use one of these funnels. And then for the sediment, your best friend is going to be a piece of muslin. Wow, okay. But if you don't have that at home, and I know not everybody does, I mean a lot of bakers do, but you know a coffee filter would work if you're in a pinch.

30:03But you just want to wrap that round.

30:07Alan Carr:So for the purpose of the listeners, the muslin cloth is being wrapped around the top of the decanter. And then literally... So you pour this through. Just pour straight through. So this is to remove any sediment that might, and so does that catch then in the top there? It does. Yes. So in theory that it just shouldn't seep through the muslin. No, of course. And even look at that. The way it's flowing in, it's like a lovely water feature. It's relaxing. It is relaxing. It's relaxing to do. I mean, sometimes if I've got a 30-year-old wine that's fully sediment, that's not a proper way to word it, that has a lot of sediment, I will double decant.

30:52What's the most expensive wine you've ever opened? I don't know, it's probably within the five to ten thousand.

31:01Alan Carr:While you do this as well, while this is decanting, I want to ask you about... Because obviously you do a lot online, you've had like millions of views. How did that come about? Was it a bit... Because whenever I speak to people who do online videos, it almost, without sounding awful, it sounds like it's almost a mistake. Like it happens by accident. Is that what happened with you? 100 % mine was a total mistake this is TikTok and I had seven followers um for a long time and you know I really wasn't posting so much I was just using it to watch Judge Judy or you know cooking recipes um and then I was in um a house that is very pro social media and they were like if you want to film film you're fine yeah and that particular dinner we had uh 14 people for dinner but I had over 100 glasses on the table because every course had been paired with his different wines.

31:54And it just looked so pretty with all these crystal glasses on, you know, 107, I think it was, glasses on the table. But I just did this video saying, oh, hi, I'm Dan the Butler. Spend a minute with me. I'm setting this table. And it went crazy. And I went from, I think, seven followers to 56 ,000 overnight. Oh, my God. It was wild. And then I did a packing video at home in my kitchen, this is what I take to work. And it did 8.2 million views of me just packing a bag. It was crazy.

32:27Alan Carr:Do you have, like, have you had famous people share your videos or comment on them or reach out? Well, you work with them all the time, I guess, don't you? You can't possibly say. He's discreet. Oh, speaking of discreet, he rings me up. Alan, Alan, J-Lo's liked me post. J-Lo likes one of my videos. But you've got J-Lo, Sarah, Jessica. Yes, you do watch the show. Yes. Yeah, no, it was weird. But my agent made me laugh. But why are you getting these people? I get jack shit. I get no one. I think you're doing all right. Yeah, it came up J-Lo likes. My agent goes to me, oh my God, was it the real one?

33:07Alan Carr:I said, I did check before I started telling. It's not like Janice Loudon from Wigan. It is the real J-Lo. Yeah, yeah. But she's swiping through. Okay, so do it, shall we? I know it hasn't been an hour, but it's... Let's give it a go. We've got you some fresh glasses. So now we can try the decanted wine and see if you can taste different. So, take a sniff and tell me if you think that it's... It already smells stronger. Lee, do you think you could get your mouth round the end of that decanted wine? Not now. What, like over it? Yeah, pour it in. Yeah, I could try. But, you know, probably not something done at your lovely dinner parties, is it?

33:51Alan Carr:No comment. Have to pass the port. Here we go. So I think it's got more of an aroma. I think it's really... Yeah. That's quite wild. Here we go. We're going to have a taste of this now. So this is the decanted wine. Same wine, same bottle. It's got more flavour. One thing, and we've all got problems, but one thing that I struggle with... No, one thing that I struggle with is cleaning the decanter. And we had Tom Gilby, and we've mentioned this, the magic balls. So how do you clean it, okay? Because I just thought you gave it a rinse and shoved it like a tea towel down there and tried to wipe it, but apparently not.

34:31Alan Carr:There's a way. You can. I don't think anybody should go crazy with cleaning the decanters. There's, you know, if you've got a young wine in there and it hasn't left sediment, you know how you would normally wash a vessel is more than fine one thing we've wash a vessel you are Cassie aren't you I didn't mean to actually I don't think I've ever said that in my life wash a vessel I don't know where that came from but the joy of these barbarians now these were one of the videos that I put on TikTok and people went mad for it I think it did four million views people were obsessed and they kept setting me challenges saying will it work on tin will it work on my garden watering caps yeah um but the joy of these and you'll see when you do it i'm going to get you to do it is that what happens is especially if you have an older wine it comes up into these sections here which is really hard to clean if it stains if it's been in there a while if you picture it at your castle you've got the dining table you've got the fire going the room is quite warm yeah any wine left in a decanter is going to leave a stain and up here too you know as it pours over the night you're going to get it in the neck too and if it's a really thin neck decanter it's really difficult to get something in there to clean and these magic balls are just incredible and they don't take long and it was tom when he was describing them he said you just put it in some water whoosh around and it's sparkling like brand new and that's really what they do and how much are those i think these were for them between four and six pounds okay on amazon i think it's not going to break the bank is it for a nice shiny clean decanter all right so are we going to demonstrate this so what should we do should we just pour this shall i pour the rest of this wine i'll pour it we don't want to waste it no no i know i'll top you up here how do you actually how do you hold a decanter do you just hold it by the stem here do you you a decanter i think is a really personal thing you've got to know how it feels in your hand.

36:39Because it can, they're different shapes, they're different weights, it can be super...

36:44Alan Carr:You get your hand. Yeah. You only know your own. You only know your own. You can only do it as good on your own. You can. That's true, that's true. That's quite girthy as well, isn't it? It's one of the girthier ones. Yeah. Where do you hold it on the shaft? Is it down the... Is it the top or the bottom? Oh, it's coming out. Lovely, that. Well, if it comes out this colour, then you've got an issue. It doesn't stop. It's hard to do it because you really have to tip it, don't you? I do. Oh, for God's sake. For those of you listening, we're pouring wine.

37:22Alan Carr:Oh, what? They just hit the glass there. Oh, look at that. You spilt it. He would be, would he be a good waiter? Not waiter, butler. What do you reckon? Isaac. He's quite kick-handed, isn't he? My mum used to say that, but I'm left-handed. and you're cack-handed. Are you left or right-handed, Dan? I'm right-handed. Glad we cleared that up. We ask the questions everyone wants to know the answers to. It's hard to get the last bit out. It's really hard to get the last bit out. Can you imagine if it's like a really top-level wine? Oh, God, this is exhausting. Spraying everywhere. Right. What? Come on now.

38:01Alan Carr:You've emptied your decanter. Your guests have gone home. you've woken up the next day you've seen all the washing up and in the middle of that sits your decanter so you come in it's quite stained underneath you've got stain coming up here so you're getting texts from your guests being like thanks for a great evening blah blah blah wouldn't want to see the state of your decanter this morning exactly well you'll say in a minute i can make it brand new yes so here's some lukewarm water now you don't need much it literally works as a lubricant for the boards to get them around to get them around the decanter so you pour how much lube would you use about five mil five mil great five to ten mil perfect yeah just the right amount a little bit of lukewarm water going into the decanter now it is probably good to say for those that aren't uh watching there's still a little bit of red wine in there isn't there?

38:56Alan Carr:Because you can't get it all out. Can't get it all. And then I'm going to give you these. Oh, Alan, you're doing this. Okay. I've got your balls. What do I do now? So, hold it maybe to an angle. The first time you do it, the sound, you think it's going to chip, scratch, break. They won't. Really? No, they're genius. Okay. Pour in. All of them? All of them. Oh, yes. Oh, wow. There we go. Okay. Yep. And now, do you remember when you were swirling wine? Yes. So do that with the decanter. That's it. It's quite, it's a bit like ASMR, isn't it? Yeah. It's a great sound. I can hear the sea, innit? If you hold it to your ear, what do you hear?

39:43All right. And that's how you clean the decanter. If it's got some stains that are being quite stubborn, pop it on the table and swirl that way to do it in a circular motion like that on the table.

39:57Alan Carr:And what is it? Do you know the science behind this? What is it doing? How is it working? Then magic. Okay. So that's a no then, you don't. It's like when you ask your parents a question. Why does it do that? Because it does. Is that good? That's brilliant. And that is how...

40:20you...

40:21Alan Carr:Wow. Oh yes, look at how clean it is! The decanter. Brilliant. And then you just pour out that water there. You pour it out and pour out the balls. And then all you do is you get a sieve, just... The sieve is not very big, but... Do you want to do it? Yeah, go on then. Just pour out through. And then the balls will sit onto the sieve. They will sit onto the sieve. Are you holding it? I'm holding it. More. A bit more. Get all the... Here come the ball. What the... Jesus Christ. I didn't know. The sieve was like a trampoline. The sieve was too small. For anyone, the balls have all... It's like the national lottery.

41:09Alan Carr:They've all fallen down. Well, it's like showgirls, isn't it? Where she throws the balls on and the woman slips. Yeah. Edit. Oh, no. So maybe get a bigger sip or a smaller jug. So what do you do if your balls have dropped? You are going to be finding them for the rest of your life. Oh, I'm so sorry. This is a trip hazard for anyone at the broadcaster. If you hear any injuries, it's not us. That is a faux pas, isn't it? That is a faux pas. Oh my God, what would you do if the balls just went everywhere? You wouldn't be cleaning your decanter on the table, would you? No, no, this would be in your kitchen.

41:46Alan Carr:It would be in the kitchen away from everyone. I can hide my shame. Yeah. all right and when should a party end two drinks into the room that you've moved to after dinner okay yeah that's great two drinks into the room you're like that meme

42:09Alan Carr:there's these fractions whizzing around so and yeah so you go oh like with me in my castle, let's resign. Well, not resign, retire. Retire to... Let's resign. Let's resign. I will be saying that. That's what he's saying, the butler. Let's resign. There you go. I've resigned. So I go, oh, maybe let's go to the terrace or something like that, or let's retire to the terrace. And then two drinks in, I go, I'm getting you an Uber. I would know where in advance that you want people to go to, so I'd have tea, coffee, little chocolates more port wine available and then once everybody is into their second drink it's time for carriages I think I need a butler I think you do yeah any any vacant are you free?

43:00Alan Carr:there's a fantastic one in the borders that I know of what? I want you to work for me that's me he's talking about oh yeah oh dear oh god so stupid anyway well I feel like this party's over now but we haven't got time we've moved on to the from the table haven't we we've had our two drinks we've had our two drinks actually before you go Dan we asked for some questions from viewers and we've had some sent in Katie in Brentwood loves the show and wants to know when you've thought long and hard about the wine that you take to someone's house for dinner and sometimes spent a pretty penny because that host is a bit of a wine snob.

43:43Alan Carr:Should they open it or keep it for themselves? She's always confused at which one she should be offended by. Yes, because you take a nice bottle of wine and then that goes in the wine rack. Yeah. Next thing you know, they're giving us echo falls. But apparently that is, yeah, apparently that. As at 100%, it shouldn't be opened. Unless, coming at it from two different ways. If you're a host and somebody's bought you a fantastic bottle of wine and you want to crack that open, go for it. Yeah. But if you're a guest going with a fantastic wine, don't expect it to be opened. And I think the bottom line is...

44:15Because it's meant to be a thank you gift. It's a thank you gift. What tends to happen is when people bring gifts and they put them on the table, I'll write their name and the date on the label before it gets put away so that then my clients will know if they open it in a month's time or six months' time. Oh, lovely. Oh, this was from that dinner party. I'm having that wine. Wonderful. But I think predominantly what it's about is a numbers game. So if you've got 15 people for dinner and you turn up with one exceptional bottle of wine, that's not doing half of them. And I think, you know, there are always exceptions to the rule.

44:44So I'll have guests of my clients, they'll call me a couple of days in advance and they'll say, we've agreed it with the host, we want to send the wine. They know what's being cooked, they've paired it, and they'll send it to me the day before. So if it's a white wine, I can chill it in advance. Because you're not actually giving the host a gift, you're giving them a little burden when they should be getting ready to host. Does it need to be chilled? Do I need to decant it? so as a guest don't expect your bottle to be opened and don't be offended by it either well it's interesting you say that

45:15Alan Carr:because we've got a few quick fire ones we're going to alternate these but that first one you're bringing white wine to a dinner should you have chilled it or is it okay to grab one on the way chilled it every time you've forgotten a bottle opener are you reaching for a lighter issue or your teeth while seeing your shoes Mrs. Peart Grimsby

45:43Alan Carr:who did the shoe i did the shoe you did the shoe it's a it works do the shoe do the shoe all right you've spilt your drink what's the move what do you do next you've spilt it cold water so and you don't put right you don't put white wine on red to get rid of that cold Cold water is your best friend on any spill. So I wear a lot of white gloves. I have a lot of white linen. They can get absolutely soaked in red wine. I put them straight into a bowl of cold water and let them soak overnight. It's the best way to get rid of a stain. You might have to do stuff after. Yeah, but it'll get rid of it.

46:19The damage is, you know, the cold water won't let that stain set. Is it ever okay to double dip, Dan? Always. Always? What is the double dip? Twice. If someone was coming round with a tray of hummus and like a crisp. Oh, I always double dip. Sign of a good hummus. Yeah.

46:39Alan Carr:Would you double dip with hummus? I wouldn't use a spoon that I've used and then go back in. No, if it's a chip, if it's like... Yeah, yeah, a bit of carrot. Crudité. Crudité. Yeah, crudité. All right, is a napkin on the lap? Do you fold it or do you just let it hang? However you're comfortable. Okay. If it's, you know, sometimes it can slip off. So however you know it's going to stay. Reaching across someone at the table, is it a no-no? Yeah, you should say, can you pass me? Can you pass that? Do you know what I like? Pardon my reach. Pardon my reach? I used to love saying that. Should you put the empty bottle upside down in the bucket once it's done?

47:19Alan Carr:Yeah, apparently that's not good. No, it drives me a potty, especially when I'm out and I see people do it in bars or restaurants. I know the heart behind it is genuine. To signal it's done. Signal it's done. But I think it looks awful. No. I would rather put the napkin over the... What, like you're laying it to rest? Laying it to rest. Here lies the empty bottle of wine. Gone but not forgotten. Dan, thank you so much. It has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for coming. And I'm sure you'll be seeing Alan. Yeah, Monday, 9am. On the dot. On the dot. And bring your decanter. That's how I start I'm undisported Bring your magic balls Dan the Butler everyone Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you If you've really enjoyed this episode Then why not show us some love Follow Bottoms Up on Apple and Spotify And you'll get a new episode Dropped on your phone every week Yeah you do not want to miss an episode Also if you have already Thank you so much For leaving your lovely five star reviews If you haven't, please do it.

48:26Alan Carr:It's super quick, super easy, and it really, really helps. Follow us at Bottoms Up Show on socials. And as ever, if you do want to get in touch with us, bottomsup at listen.co.uk. And don't forget, please drink responsibly. This has been Bottoms Up with Alan Carr and Lee Peart, and it's a Listen production. Dan the butler, what a... Dan the man, what a man. Cheers. You're kind to me. Cheers. Bottoms Up. Bottoms Up.

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