William Hanson, Etiquette, and the Queen Mother's Favourite Cocktail

19:08And I want to ask, actually, as well, maybe this might bring you down slightly, but surely as an etiquette expert you are, Do you ever have slip-ups? Do you ever have moments where...? What does he insinuate? If I was going to say the one thing that you don't always... tick box when it comes to etiquette, what is the one thing you might fall on?

19:32Alan Carr:Have you ever worn a croc? A what? A croc? A what? Monsieur? Oh, good. No, a croc. He stepped in a croc, monsieur. Have you ever used... reused a carrier bag instead of a bag for life? No, no, because I do a canvas tote because I'm gay. Oh, canvas tote. Canvas tote. Oh. When you meet royalty, did you get... I suppose, do they bother telling you that kind of thing? It's not ma 'am. What's it? It's ma 'am as in ham. Not ma 'am as in farm. Yeah, yeah. I bet you knew that already, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. They whisper in your ear, you know, because I was at the Royal Variety performance, and I could even go, Alan Carl.

20:11Alan Carr:It's like, she didn't really have much to say to me. You don't start... Was this the Queen or Camilla? The Queen. Yeah. And then Prince Philip gave me a bit of a dirty look. Couldn't he? Because I was dressed as, I was helping out, David Walliams said, would you come on and be the girl, Ashley? Do you remember Ashley and Pudsey? Yes. He was the dog and I was Ashley. And then I was wearing like this, what's it called, Fred Flintstone mini dress and a headband and a wig. And I didn't know, because it was such a small part, I didn't know I'd be invited back to do the line-up, so I didn't happen to change your clothes.

20:43Alan Carr:So I was just there like that. And I saw Prince Tillich go... Honestly gave me dirty look. And then I never knew, when you're in a dress, you're meant to curtsy. Well, yes. But I was a man, so I just did this... So you're spreading your leg? The dutty wine. The dutty wine. I just did the dutty wine. What dickens is that? What dickens is that? You know what dutty wine is. I don't. You never heard of the butterfly? No. What, in the pool? No. I give up. You can teach me the tutti why. Yeah, check out our socials for William Hanson doing the tutti why after this. I want to also talk about your book.

21:26You released your first book, Just Good Manners. Yes, indeed. That was out a couple of years ago. And which actually, you were saying that etiquette evolves. And actually, one of the things I like doing about with that book is actually writing an etiquette book that has been produced sort of in the, you know, in recent history. Yeah. Going, actually, you know, we have same-sex couples. We have left-handed people are allowed to live and eat. I don't agree with that, but I'm old fashioned. You're old fashioned, that's your opinion, you're entitled to it. But I wanted to write something that was a little bit more modern, because etiquette has to evolve, it's ridiculous.

21:57It has to evolve, doesn't it? It does. And don't you think there's probably a little bit of a vacuum, isn't there, from the etiquette books back in the day, and then no one really made new ones and you're now kind of revolutionary. Well, I'll tell you what, there's a well-known etiquette sort of publisher-ish that reproduced a book for the coronation. And I thought, okay, well, I know that every time it said queen announces king, blah, blah, blah, that's going to be one of the big changes. But they'll also use this opportunity just to update it. And Ms. MS, the honorific you give to women who, you know, whose marital status is irrelevant, was still on page 212, this seven-word, eight-point footnote, as if it was a dirty concept.

22:36And I was so enraged with that. I phoned my publisher up and I said, right, this is what we have to do. We've got to write something because Miz is so normal. Loads of people are on Miz now. I know, and the royal household used it with the Harry and Meghan invitation. That was the first time they'd publicly used it. So actually, and that's why this is where etiquette gets a bad name, is where people sort of are using it to suppress others.

22:58Alan Carr:And it's no, it's about including others. Because what is Miz? Miz is like a woman that you don't want to say if they're married or not. Yes, or you don't know, or if it's not relevant. So in business often you see it, but you can use it socially as well. I think there should be like a male version so people don't know if I'm seeing someone having sex. But it's mister. I think they know.

23:28Alan Carr:Thanks, Dave. You've always got my back. So I got you into this trouble.

23:38Now, announcement. You have just announced, literally a couple of days ago, or a day or two ago, your new book. Indeed. Your new book, a novelist. I'm going to be in my novelist era, A Fatal Forking, which will be out next year. It's an autobiography.

23:57Alan Carr:I'm not a fan of a cheap pun. I find it blittling and insulting. Can we put that on the cover? You can!

24:09Yes, so I'm very excited. It's an idea I've had since 2019, but now it just looks like I'm cashing in on writing Murder Mistress. And I have actually written it, unlike quite a lot of other people that, you know, write... That is very true, yes. These type of books. There's a few people in my head. But it was originally... I've always loved Cozy Crime and Angela Christie. Well, you two, very similar. Which is your favourite?

24:35Alan Carr:I think probably Roger Ackroyd. That blew my mind when I read that. You know, that had never been done before. She's just a genius, isn't she? She is. All of them are absolutely solid. And so I remember meeting someone and they said, oh, I bet you could write a great memoir. And I said, oh, yeah, but if I wrote that in the middle of my career, I'd probably never work again. And they said, just make it fiction. And so suddenly the clowns passed them. I thought, oh, well, I could marry up autobiographical stories with nerds. So when you read it there's bits of you, yes, so you've been forked a few times.

25:07It's been known, yes. So the Grand Duchess of Inkemtakshaven, which is my fictitious European country, gets stabbed in the neck with a strawberry fork, which is a very sharp fork, and it is my protagonist, who is an etiquette coach. No idea who he's based on. No. It's his strawberry fork, so he has to work to clear his name.

25:27Alan Carr:Did you ever go to Burg Island? Burghine. Burr. Burr-kind. In Berlin. No! Burr Island. Oh, Burr Island. Burr, sorry. Burr. Oh my god, that's a faux pas. It's got H on the end, and it's Burr. Burr. Burr. I'm still a blah. Like, no, your hair trams. Yes. Yeah, no, I have been. Yes. Now that's an amazing baby. That's on the market for 15 million pounds. Is it on the market now? Yes! Oh. Yes. Interesting. She wrote, you know, And Then There'll Be None and then Evil Under the Sun. And you can go and sit in her thing with the typewriters there when she's sat. I mean, yeah. It's an island that when the tide comes in, you are trapped there.

26:14Alan Carr:You can't get back. And the whole hotel is art deco. There's no tellies, no nothing. It's stepping back in time. It is stunning. Where is it? Is it Devon? Yeah, Devon. Devon, yeah, a bit near where she lives. Where's yours set? Where's it set? Or is it secret? London, okay. Nowhere that exciting. No, the family are over in London when the murder happens. Right, William. This obviously is a wine pub. I thought this is a wind-up. This is obviously a wind-up. Let us know when we start recording. This is quite strong. It's nice, isn't it? It is, it is. I'm not gonna talk about our late queen, who I think was a brilliant queen, But I wonder whether, you know, she's got to do the meet and greet or the grip and grin, as we like to call it.

27:02Alan Carr:I bet she has a few of these just to take the edge off. I'm sure she did, yeah. I mean, I was told laterally she only had it at lunch because she found it a bit too strong for the evening. Oh. That's what I was told. OK. But I drink it at all times. I mean, we sometimes record our podcast at 9am. Well, you should do Olivia Ratwood's podcast. We had a... Oh, God. We nearly got cancelled. Oh, really? She served us martinis at 10.30am and they were so strong. And then we did the podcast and of course, as you know, it all goes to our agents and they just check it. My agent goes, do you want to work in telly again?

27:41Alan Carr:I said, pardon, have you heard what you said? Apparently it was filth. Slagged everyone off. Everyone was a commoner.

27:53Alan Carr:Welcome to my world.

27:57We're going to move on in a sec and talk about wine and help us with some wine-based dilemmas or dilemmas in general or etiquette in general. But I wanted to ask you, because I know you're a martini drinker. Are you looking down? I've been picking this thing. Yes, you've been doing a little autoxy on that. I know, I'm so sorry. It's a sign of sexual tension, isn't it? Is it? I've done the look of it.

28:20Alan Carr:Yours is intact.

28:26Which means you're not sexually treated.

28:28Alan Carr:Yeah, yeah, thank you. I would say you come out a lot better than him. Thank you for saying that. I had a bloody compliment on this podcast. But are you a wine drinker? Do you like a wine? I do like a wine. I don't... I sort of don't get too excited about wine. I don't drink wine at home unless I've got friends around. I don't, of an evening, have a wine. Oh, because this is the thing I've seen as well, the arriving with a bottle. You're not meant to open it. That's what I want to know. And then sometimes you hand them the wine and you're really looking forward to the wine and they get one out of their wine, I reckon it's cheap.

28:59Well, there is that, but they know what pairs with whatever. This is the theory. You don't know any of my friends. If they're serving duck and they've gone and selected a certain wine that goes nicely with duck. Duck rolls from the local takeaway. I mean, he will say duck as the food is thrown at the wall. But yeah, but look, if you did give him a bottle, obviously I'd be terribly grateful, and actually if it is a lovely wine, and I think, oh, that's better than what I'm going to serve, then I'll serve it. But then the trouble is, if I've got eight people around, there's only one bottle of wine.

29:32There's duck, there's one duck. Yeah, exactly. Yes. It's once you present whatever, whether it's chocolates, wine, champagne... It is for them. It's for them, and it's up to them to decide what to do with it.

29:43Alan Carr:Yeah. Do you believe when a woman gets up to go to the toilet table, or no, to do her toilet, is that right? Yes, well done. Have a shit. To do her toilet? To do her... To do her... To do her... Powder her nose. It's a completer toilet. Hence why you have a toilettress bag. Oh. So it was your make-up. So I was like that, and say I'm a woman, Ms Gar. OK. And I go to get up, would you two stand up? In a social setting, if I knew that you liked it, yes. But I would also, if Lee stood up as a man, I would also stood up. We wouldn't know if he stood up. I'm standing up right now. Again, why am I joining in on this?

30:26He thinks I'm short. You're not short. No, how tall are you? Six. Oh yeah, you are quite tall.

30:31Alan Carr:You? Well, I'm only an inch longer than you are. Longer. What's in this, Mr. Bonnie? Too much! The Queen fucking had her husband off her tits! I'm sorry, if that loses me a night, well it does. This is too much! This is so strong! You see, I'm used to it. Okay, so we're going to talk about etiquette later, but before that I thought, since having you here, you could maybe, if you're up for it, teach Ms. Carr over there How to be a sommelier waiter, how to come and do the correct... And he can pour me a drink or pour us a drink, and you can critique us as we go along. Does that sound right? Rebooting that to Lady.

31:21Yes. Can I just say, I was obsessed with that one.

31:26Alan Carr:That woman looked like me, didn't she? Rosemary Schrager. No, no. Jill Harwood. Jill Harwood. Come with the teeth. Yes, she looked just like me. Oh, my God. People are just thinking we're the same person. Oh, really? I could see that. Thank you. Let's reboost her. Yes, all right, love. Oh, no, she's part of her. Right, so a bit of role play. Who doesn't love that after a du Bonnet? So I'll be a, was it French maid? You want a sommelier? Sommelier, that's it. I always get those two mixed.

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33:27Not sure about the staff here. I know we're waiting to...

33:30Alan Carr:Oh, hello. Hello, I'm Alan Carr. I'm your server for today. Now, does he give the full name as a server? No. We're not interested in your last name. We're very... Almost not interested in your first name, I think. Okay, so what do you want to say, Alan? Say I'm... Hello, I'm Alan. Hi, I'm Alan, your server. Hello. Not hi. Oh. Hello, good evening. I'm your server today, Alan. We're in America, are we? Oh, OK, I'm Alan. I'm here. Other than that, you're doing... I'm here, I've turned up to work. Would you like a napkin? Oh, blue roll, lovely. Blue roll. Thank you. Thank you. There you go, that's it.

34:14Alan Carr:Gorgeous. Yes. So, any specials on today? Yes.

34:22Alan Carr:Dubonnet surprise. We've got fish, we've got meat. What sort of meat? Oh, lots of it.

34:32All right, so talk us through. So he should tell us... Do you want the starters? Yeah, I'm going to go for meat. Meat? Yes. Will you have meat or fish? Yes, I think I'll go for the meat, please. Meat?

34:43Alan Carr:Okay, lovely. Yeah. That's... How do you like it? Medium rare? Do we get a choice? How do you like your meat? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Boned.

34:57Alan Carr:What about the wine list? Talk us through the wine. Do you have any wines here? We've got some lovely red wine. This is nice, Malbec. It comes from a vineyard in Argentina. This is lovely. This will go lovely with meat. Good. Boned meat. Boned meat. Shall we have a taste of it? Would the power bottom like to taste? And what would the etiquette of that be? Would you say that? That taste, that's a very generous taste. Well, that's what happens at a harvester.

35:31Alan Carr:Now, what's a harvester?

35:36Alan Carr:Please, sir, would you like to taste it? Is that right? Should I have gone to him, the slightly more feminine one? Oh, you're so kind. Yeah, he's impressed. Like, that's great. Right now, I'm going to get a tip from you. You're getting my tip later, yes. Boned, I hope. Boned. You... I wouldn't have poured so much. Oh, OK, just an inch in the bottom. Even less than an inch. Yes. Easily, please, sir. That's lovely. Lee, can we talk about how you're holding the wine glass? Oh, yes, sorry, I'm affecting the temperature. Top of the stem. Yes, sorry, I'm affecting the temperature of the glass. You should always hold it top of the stem.

36:10Top of the stem. At all times. Generally. Because sometimes during the end of the night, I just like to be like this. Holding it from the bowl. Would you never do that? Not really. It's just so nice.

36:19Alan Carr:You look quite sad though, you look quite melancholy. I know, I feel like I'm talking about like an ex. Yeah, okay. Is that bad etiquette? Generally, yes. Like talking about an ex? Well, no, you can talk about it with friends. Yeah, perhaps. You know when they bring the wine and you pick the wine? Oh, you've got the lid back on. Oh, shit.

36:38Alan Carr:Do you smell the tip? Oh, it smells lovely. May I have some? But you know when they... Maybe a taste for William. Yeah, but you know when they come out and they go like that, Is that normal? Because you go, yeah, it's a bottle of wine. No, no. You go, can I have some wine? They go like this. But if I particularly ordered a particular vintage, it's amazing how many times you get presented and actually, if you don't bother to check, that they're either presenting the wrong wine. Oh, well, not here, sir. No, not in this holiday. That's still a very generous taste, but I'll go with it. You're very generous.

37:11And I suppose they wouldn't roll your eyes with... And this is where it gets changed, because actually, traditionally, this sort of tasting thing, or checking it, was just to see if it was corked. It wasn't to see if you liked it. Now, that's a screw top. Now, don't be coming here. Screw top is... We've learnt on here. Screw top is just as good as a cork. Yes, but it also means that it's probably not corked, because it's actually the chances of corking a screw top is almost minimal. The entire batch would have to be off. So now I would say it's probably OK.

37:42Alan Carr:There's quite a lot of other tables I have to serve. If you could just rattle along. Well, I'll finish here. One minute. So, yeah, it's fine. One minute, I'm busy.

37:59Alan Carr:Do you like it? Do you have any other talent? How long have you worked here? Just today. It's your first shift? I worked at Claire's Accessories.

38:13Alan Carr:They just told me to go. You once sold the Queen and Prince Albert. And sold it now. May I join you? Yes. Is that normal? I don't think it came to a start. Is that normal for the waiter to sit and join? You know what, we like you so much, we'd love you to join us at our table. I thought you'd never ask. Welcome. We'll put the bottle down. Would you pour the waiter? Show us how to pour it if the waiter came... And then a little twist to catch the drops. Well, clear that. And remember, don't clink. Because clinking is common. Don't be a commoner. Well, Alan, that was very good. Well done. Round of applause for Alan Carr, everyone.

38:57Thank you. If the career dries up, you've always got... Like me. Sommelier. All right, William, we couldn't have you on without asking our audience if there are any etiquette questions. And we put a post up, we have a few, and then we've got some quick-fire ones for you. So, this is from Chantelle Louisa. She says, Hi, William, how can you politely ask a guest who arrives an hour early not to? Good Lord. An hour is a... That's an awfully long time. I mean, I remember once, it was a university thing, and we were sort of filming for student TV, like a come dine with me, whatever, and I was sort of helping produce it, and someone arrived 15 minutes early, and the host, I mean, it was great TV, just opened the door and then shut the door on their face.

39:45I think an hour. An hour is...

39:48Alan Carr:That's their problem, not the host. Come on, the host is doing this lovely whining and dining. I would just go, oh, do come on through. You're a bit early, British understatement. Do you mind just sitting here whilst I, you know, cook? Or do you just pretend you haven't heard the doorbell? No, no, I think you've got to let them in. You have to let them in. I'd make a note not to invite them again. So what would the ideal time of arriving... Well, whatever time I've told you to come. No, but yeah, but is that... 10 to 15 minutes after. So if I say 7.30, 7.40 is ideal. That gives you a bit of leeway.

40:22Alan Carr:Because we had a butler on and we said, you know that final drink? He says, the last room you go to, after dinner, that final room, two drinks, and then you go. Is that right? Would you agree with that? Yes. Unless, of course, incredibly close friends, or if you're staying at night... You might stay and come into the library or the billiard room. Precisely, then it's fine. Oh, this is a good one. Oh, my God. Planes. Shall I read it? Go on, then. Pete Pink asks, how does William feel about paper cups on planes for wine? You don't get paper cups, you get plastic ones. Or plastic, either way. And you know Amanda Holden, when we used to film in Greece, we'd take a lot of Ryanair flights and she would ask for a rosé.

41:04Alan Carr:And they'd always say no, because they didn't have a rosé. But she kept asking, is that etiquette or is it just stupid? What, to keep asking? To keep asking for a rosé, even though you know they don't serve it. Well, is that etiquette? Was she asking it every time? And so she thought if the flight attendants kept going, Every time we're asked for a rose, they put it on the menu. They'd go, no rose. Next flight. Rose, please. They could just mix the two and then just give a that. Just shut it up. We wouldn't know, would we? No. Yeah, no, I don't like the... No, I generally don't drink anything out of paper or plastic.

41:39I think it doesn't taste very nice. No, no. Even like a coffee cup on the go. No. I don't like a coffee on the go. Really? I don't like drinking liquid on the go. I like to be static. You are quite a controlled person, aren't you? In the sense you've got your life together. Yes. I can't stand mugs. Do you like a mug or not? Well, you just podcast with me.

42:05I don't mind a mug. No, I don't like an overwhelming amount of liquid. Do you have a china cup? Yes, always. Do you know what I would say on the go?

42:14Alan Carr:Pad Thai. That's never a good on the move pad thai. It was like I'd just tipped it over my face. But you shouldn't eat on the go. Maybe a smint. I'm busy, I'm busy. A smint would be fine. OK, we're going to do some quick fire questions for William Hanson. Be honest, are manners in Britain getting better or worse, in your opinion? They're certainly different from how they used to be. I think they evolve. But then every generation... There's a sort of quote from a monk from sort of BC something that says the younger generations are getting ruder. So I feel that that's a thing that's going to be around forever.

42:49So I just think they change. OK.

42:51Alan Carr:Is cheers an acceptable thank you, or we're all being terribly lazy? Would you say cheers? No, just say thank you. I said cheers earlier. No, thank you. I mean, cheers, what, when you're...? Yeah, cheers. That's OK, but cheers in terms of saying thank you. Is bottoms up? Is that de classe? Um, it's more colloquial, yes. Yes. But... You know, it's also a podcast for rectal dysfunction. Do you know that? We didn't find out, didn't we? Our post bag was a very mixed bag. But no, I would say thank you is better than cheers. Okay. Splitting the bill evenly when someone had water and you had three courses, polite or outrageous?

43:30That is outrageous, but you should also always order the same. Like, are we having first courses? Talk to one another. Agree what you're having, so everyone's kind of having the same. I've done it before when, right? I've been out for dinner, okay? And someone won't be drinking or is pregnant, for example, and won't be drinking. And I always think that someone at the table, and it's usually me, should say, oh, so-and-so wasn't... Lucy wasn't drinking, so you should just pay for yours and we split. Because you can tell that they don't want to say that, but often you can see them looking, going, well, you all had however many bottles of wine, I've just had tap water, and I always think someone else should just offer it.

44:14Completely agree. And that's fine. But in terms of the food, where... And it's when you start going, oh, well, you had the... Oh, no. And that's 50p more expensive. Yeah, oh, no, no.

44:23Alan Carr:Don't go to dinner if you're that penny-pinchy. Exactly, just stay home. Get a takeaway. But, yeah, agree what you're all having in terms of food. Is it ever acceptable to ask for the Wi-Fi password the moment you arrive. Is this before hello? What's your Wi-Fi? No. If you're going around to a friend's house, you're not going around to scroll social media to your emails, you're going around to talk to them. When I go around Lee's house, I tend to do that. Because conversations dried up. If you're staying the night, I think it's fine to then say, oh, you know, a couple of hours in, do you mind if I jump on your Wi-Fi?

44:57Well, similar vein, you're at dinner and someone starts scrolling. Do you call it out or do you just... Oh, no, that's for me. No, no, no. That's a big no. No. But do you call it out or do you suffer in silence? I say, gosh, is everything all right? Oh, that's good. That's firm but fair. Is everything all right? I'd say that was passive aggressive borderline.

45:15Alan Carr:Is it all right? What about that? Everything all right? Is that too much? That's a bit much. What about that? Is it all right? Don't pick up the bottle. What about... Is there an emergency or something like... Yeah, that's good, yeah. Britain and passive aggression for etiquette go hand in hand. Well, what you do, you turn off your Wi-Fi router. Well, I won't say the name of... How do you find your router? I can never find mine. Where is it? What? I don't know where your router is. I said, ha, I'll turn my router off if I can find it. Well, Alan's been gone for five hours looking for his router.

45:49There is a restaurant, I won't name which one. In fact, I don't think it actually still exists, but a very famous restaurant where they had a signal jammer installed, Ministry of Defence signal jammer. And what they would do, if you suddenly were on your phone, making a phone call, they'd press it under the maitre d 'es desk, I was told this by the maitre d', and then they'd go up to you going, there's terrible signal in here, sir, but if you go outside, and I thought it's so sophisticated. That is brilliant. Illegal, but so sophisticated.

46:15Alan Carr:Oh, my birthday. The best illegal things ever. My birthday, give me one of those Ministry of Defence things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine Alan opening. It's a signal jammer. I've always wanted one of these. I think it's very smart. Buffet etiquette. What's the biggest crime? Piling your plate high or going back three times? Piling it too high, because you're depriving it. Because also, generally most people that pile it too high then don't touch half of it anyway, and then you're depriving other people of it. So buffets, they're meant to be used to graze, so you can go back. We were saying, and we've both done this, and we're not proud of it, we do like our food.

46:49Alan Carr:And apparently, you know, sometimes we've had, haven't we, the old, you know, the takeaways come and it's just us, just me, singular. and then you end up going, the food's here! Get the plates! And it is just me. Yeah. That's clever. It is, yes. Yeah. But no, I wouldn't pile up your plate. Okay. Unless you're on your own. Air kisses. How many is correct? And is anyone actually getting it right? Two. In Britain. Yeah. Do you start left or right? I start with my right, yeah. But is that just personal preference? No, no. I would say generally, it's only in Italy where they start on the left. What if you're bi-curious?

47:27Um... You can start whichever side you like. I like that.

47:33Alan Carr:Is there ever... Is there ever a polite way to leave a bad party early? Oh, can I... You're not judging me now, can I just top up the red? Yeah, go for it. I'm not a waitress anymore. No, that's transparently obvious. Says Alan sitting at the table. Just so you know, I'm not a waitress. I've clocked off. I've finished my shift, the apron's in the wash. I'm out of here. Bye, losers. Well done for serving yourself last. Nice. And look, you've got some of it in the glass. Oh, look, I didn't do that. You do. Now be... Yeah, what out of crap? Use my blue roll. Hold on. See? See, it did come in. And that's a good thing.

48:16Alan Carr:Now, I'd say always take... Wouldn't want that getting on that shirt. No. As if you'd notice it. You wouldn't want that shirt to get ruined and not be worn again. Is there ever a polite way to leave a bad party early or any party early? Well, it depends what time. If it's a dinner party, you do have to sit there until the end of the food. If it's a drink soiree, it is a fluid affair. You just say, what a fantastic time, thank you so much for having me. And off you go. I've done it before where I've had friends go, you didn't say goodbye. and it's been a big party and the reason that is is because often I sometimes think in those kind of parties people are waiting for other people to leave first and then you almost set off a chain of events of people leaving.

49:00Particularly for millennials. Yes and if I see my friend who's thrown the party on the dance floor having the best time I don't want to come up and be like I'm going see you later. That is a party pooper. Yeah so I just slip off and I go best time blah blah blah. Is that bad etiquette though? No, because I think what you're showing there is that you're showing consideration for the host, so I think that's fine. So I think that's very good.

49:22Alan Carr:And is it a Belfast exit? Or an Irish exit? An Irish. Or a French. Yeah. No, my friend has a great way of getting out of a party. He says, Oh, my house alarm's gone off. That's a good one. Oh, yes. Because there's no one's ill, there's no citizen and you have to get home to turn and, Oh, my house alarm's going off, I need to go. He once did an excuse. He said, when we went for a drink, he said, don't put anything online. I've cancelled the party I'm going to. And I've lied and I've said that my mum and dad's house has been burgled and I need to, you know, be with them. Yeah. So anyway, we're chatting along, drinking a drink.

50:02And he went, well, the thing is, you know, that's what happens when my mum and dad's house is on fire. I went, I thought it was burgled. He went, they were arsonists. Well, his lies are catching up to him.

50:16Alan Carr:I know, I know. Always stick to one lie, that's a good etiquette thing. Yes, don't give two, but don't over-explain. Oh, and this is quite hard. But finally, what's the one everyday habit people do that quietly screams bad manners? I get the most annoyed when people just literally don't say please or thank you because you don't need to have read an etiquette book or gone to etiquette school to know that you need to be saying please and thank you. Yeah. But on a more day-to-day level, it's people on there doing speakerphone calls and headphones or scrolling social media. On public transport, terribly frustrating.

50:46Yeah. They should all be waterboarded.

50:49Alan Carr:Yes. You heard it here first, everyone. Brilliant. Waterboarded with Dubonnet. With Dubonnet or with a high altitude Malbec. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. William, thank you so much. It's been great. Help I Sexed My Boss. Is it every Tuesday it comes out? Tuesday and Friday. Every Tuesday and Friday? Yes. Oh, also, sorry, we haven't talked about the luxury podcast as well. You have another one. I do. Didn't this start as a Keeping Up Appearances one? It's kind of evolved. Yes, it was an episode by episode companion to the United sitcom, which I'm sure you both love. Yes. And then we sort of finished it and then the producer said, no, it's doing all right.

51:24So, sex did we say is chalk and cheese. Yeah. Luxury is cheese and wine. Jonathan. Jonathan Vernon-Smith, yes, I'm by podcast and like you. Yes. And they're both great fun, but they're different propositions. You know, we did a whole episode the other day about bins. Oh, okay. We wouldn't get that on sex, did you? Whereas Jonathan and I have 40 minutes of content about bins. Yeah, yeah, it's brilliant. Honestly, and that's out every... Wednesday and Thursday. Oh my god, you're most of the week. Monday, Saturday, Sunday, my day's off. And your book, The Fatal Fork, and that's out next year. That is out next year.

51:58Alan Carr:Oh, okay, look forward to that. Brilliant, it is always a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming along. Thank you so much for having me. Do you think we've learned anything in terms of etiquette? Nothing useful. No. But we've all had a lovely time. We have, and that's all that matters. Indeed. Thank you for having me. There's one last thing to say. Bottoms up. Bottoms up. No clinking. Oh, calm enough. William Hansen, everyone! Oh, thank you. And like I said, help I sected my bath available to listen now on all podcast platforms as well as the Luxury podcast. Just Good Manners is out now. And good luck with your book, your novel next year, can't wait.

52:36Alan Carr:If you've enjoyed this episode, then show us some love. Follow Bottoms Up on Spotify and Apple. And why not subscribe to YouTube? And you'll get a brand new episode dropped every week. Yeah, and not just subscribe on YouTube. Please give us a thumbs up as well. It really helps. And if you haven't already, please do give us a five-star review. At Bottoms Up Show, if you want to get in touch with us, slide into our DMs. Or bottomsup at listen.co.uk if email is more your thing. And don't forget to always drink responsibly. Bottoms Up with Alan Carr and Lee Peart is a Listen production. Bottoms Up.

53:14Don't. Clink.