Rewriting Your Blueprint: Tony Robbins' Route To Your Date With Destiny

0:01Remember, whatever you're doing, you know, this is about creating a life of meaning. It's about your own identity. It's around going for what you want. It's around putting yourself in the best shape possible. And, you know, what is your date with destiny?

0:19Tony Robbins:Our values and rules dictate how we feel and what really drives us forward, as well as those six human needs. So, what values have you got that drive your behaviour? Now, there are two types of values. There are towards values, what you value and you'll want to move towards, and away values. So, what's most important in your life, you know, and what level of hierarchy would you have for those values? So, take some time just to think about what are the values, your current values, that drive you forward, that you're moving towards, okay? So, it could be success, growth, love, giving back, fun, adventure, passion, belonging, you know, what are the values that are important to you?

1:20Tony Robbins:What things do you value that drive you forward? And then what are the away values, the values that you're trying to avoid, right? So it could be rejection, feeling insignificant, being unloved, conflict maybe, betrayal, loneliness. You know, what are things that you are trying to move away from, okay? And then once you've got those, put them in an order of priority. Which ones are your, which one's your number one? What's your number one toward value all the way down? Now, you might have three or four, you might have eight. When I did this exercise, I had eight toward values and I also had eight away values.

2:14Tony Robbins:Okay. So there's a lot to be said for reflection and thinking about the values that you have. What are the values that are driving you towards? What are the values that are driving you away? And then the second part of this is what are the rules that you have put in place against those values to where you judge whether you're being successful or not? All right. So I'll give you an example. My original values were in this order. success, growth, love, fun, belonging, adventure, passion and giving back. All right. And the rules I had around that were really specific, you know, very clear metrics.

3:16Tony Robbins:I'm a detailed person. I like numbers. I like targets. But the rules are so rigid that actually I'm really hard on myself, right? So my definition, the rules around success would be, you know, around a certain level of revenue for the business, around, you know, where the podcast is ranked globally, around the profitability, the level of income that we take home, you know, how many assets we've got, the value of those assets. So really very, very specific. So those rules. And then my away values were in this order. Number one, feeling insignificant. Number two, unloved. Three, loneliness. Four, betrayal.

4:05Tony Robbins:Five, rejection. Six, conflict. Seven, feeling stupid. And number eight, you know, feeling like I'm hiding my true self. So those are my away values. And again, a whole set of really rigid rules around that. So then the exercise really is once you've got what your current ones are, how can you reshape those? Some of them you might want to keep, but actually when you look at it, you might go, gosh, I'm missing some core things off my list that I really should be prioritising. and actually the rules that I've set myself are so strict that I just need to ease up because your values should be something that you can achieve every single day.

4:55Tony Robbins:Your values are not your objectives, are not KPIs for your business and your career, those are different. So really you want to set rules around your values that are easy to achieve every single day but then you have goals that are stretching. Does that make sense? I think, hope it does. So when you rewrite, the next exercise then is to rewrite your values. Rewrite the values that actually you feel would be more compelling for you, would move you forward in a more constructive way. Because when you have those and you want to make those rules easy, right? Remember, your goals could be quite challenging, but your values need to be something that you can achieve every single day, because otherwise, you can then become very unfulfilled all of the time if you're too tough on yourself.

5:55Tony Robbins:So it was an exercise that was super helpful for me when I was with Tony Robbins. It really helped me give some clear reshaping to actually my values. And sometimes, you know, your values will come from childhood and that's great, you know, but sometimes those values may be imposed upon us by society, which is a different thing as well. But you have the ability to choose. Remember, this is about creating a life by design, okay? And life happens for you, not to you, right so then the next part of this is is resetting your after you've reset your values and the rules around that i'm giving this a very simplified version of this but then let's do an exercise about goal setting you know it's a perfect time of year but you set goal you can set your goals at any time of year right and so how do you set your goals that actually creates a compelling future for yourself.

7:00Tony Robbins:And very often we constrain ourselves. You know, we don't think big enough. We don't stretch ourselves. And the reality is we can achieve absolutely anything. You can achieve anything you want in life. You really can. Not everything will be in your control, but how you respond, remember, your body, your mind, your spiritual state is all within your own gift. Okay? So you can achieve anything you want in life, but it's often that we hold ourselves back. So if you were to just brainstorm every single thing you want to achieve, think of it as being like Christmas Eve and, you know, you're pretending it's Christmas Eve and you brainstorm a list of absolutely everything you want from Santa Claus, right?

7:48Tony Robbins:And these could be goals around what you create, what you achieve, what you have, maybe what you do, what you experience. And think big. Think over the next 10 years, maybe even 20 years, right? So some short-term, some longer-term. Could be smaller things, more materialistic, could be more around health and well-being. What are your goals? And make them specific, right? Make them as specific as you can. And then you will look like you were vomited on the page. And that's absolutely fine. Just keep writing, keep writing until you cannot think of anything else that you want. Right. And then go back round and put against each of those.

8:33Tony Robbins:Is this a one year goal, a three year goal, a five year goal or a 10 year goal? You might even have some 20 year goals on there, maybe even some 30 year goals, depending on what stage of life you're at. And that then really allows you to create a roadmap for yourself. So remember, you've done the work on values, you've put the rules around those values, you've made it so your values, you can live and breathe every single day, and they are easy to achieve, right, in terms of the toward values, and your away values are difficult to achieve, okay? And then we've set some really compelling goals. This is about your life.

9:19Tony Robbins:This is about you creating a life by design. How cool is that? So exciting. But when you put that time frame around it with some very specific measures as well, great. it gives you a direction it gives you a plan it gives you something to really aim for and share those goals share those values with your loved ones maybe do this as a team you know maybe do this with your leadership team in in your business or with a friend or a group of friends could be you do this with your mentor or coach if you have one and if you haven't got a mentor or coach honestly that's the first thing you should absolutely go and do so you know as i say this is so powerful and you know allows you to really move forward with great confidence so don't hold back remember there are no limits to your potential so don't play small think big and then you can make it happen learning from the master himself mr tony robbins now date with destiny, six days, deeply immersed.

10:32Tony Robbins:One of the days was purely dedicated, this is day four, purely dedicated to relationships. Because let's be honest, relationships are often the source of the greatest joy, happiness, fulfilment, but they can also be the greatest source of sorrow, heartbreak and pain, right? Now, this is true of romantic relationships, it can be true of family relationships, it can be true of friendships, it can be true of relationships with your team, with peers, with colleagues, etc. So, human-to-human connection is so important, so powerful, and in today's world of tech, in particular, I think the, you know, the craving for human to human connection is even greater than it's ever been.

11:24Tony Robbins:But we have to remember, don't we, that we are all human beings, right? I always say we are all perfectly imperfect. You know, none of us, none of us are, you know, without our challenges. We don't always get things right. Sometimes we lose our rags. Sometimes we say things we don't mean. Sometimes there can be other things going on in our world that affects how we maybe respond to our loved ones around us. So, you know, relationships and often relationships can just sometimes, you know, just, I don't know, fizzle out. Maybe the love gets lost or you find yourself on different paths, you know, and over the years, different relationships that I've had, you know, where I've been in long relationships and just, you know, probably should have finished the relationship good three years earlier, maybe even longer.

12:19Tony Robbins:Or all of a sudden, you just want different things and it's just ran its natural course. So relationships go through different seasons, don't they? And in particular, you know, when I was with Tony Robbins, we focused on more of the intimate relationships, so romantic relationships. And I just wanted to share with you some of that insight because you know often it's an area that we don't talk about a lot and yeah it drives a lot of how we feel a lot of how we respond in life and it can often magnify the human emotion you know what's happening in your relationship be it professionally but especially personally it can really impact the rest of your entire life and also how you view yourself, how you actually show up to the world and how you turn up in your relationship with your loved one.

13:15Tony Robbins:So whether you're with, you might be in a relationship right now, you might not be in a relationship right now, but nonetheless, the information here that I'm going to share with you is really thought-provoking. And as I say, it applies, you know, especially in an intimate relationship, but it also applies to those other relationships that are important in our lives as well. So, we don't always get it right and there are some, you know, lessons, I think, for us to share and learn from each other. So, let's talk first of all about the relationship pyramid, right? So, the relationship pyramid, you want to really give so much of yourself that your partner becomes a raving fan, right?

13:58Tony Robbins:Now, in the early stages of a relationship, that's often easy, you know, because it's actually, you know, it's the energy, isn't it? It's the connection, it's the chemistry, you know, it could be, you know, the sex is amazing and all of that early excitement that we have in a new relationship. It's quite easy to be a raving fan when you're at the start of a new exciting relationship. But as relationships evolve over time, you know, we change and we grow and things can come along that blow us off track. But actually, in this sort of pyramid that I'm going to talk about now, it just really makes it super simple.

14:37Tony Robbins:So the first thing is on one side of the pyramid, we want to know what they really want and need. So I'm talking about what when I say they, your partner or whoever you are in a relationship with, this could also be a friendship, it could be a family relationship, but I'm talking in the context of a kind of romantic relationship, an intimate relationship in this case. So, you know, what are the desires, the values, the beliefs, the rules, the fears that your partner has. You know, knowing what they really want is going to allow you to move to the other side of the pyramid, which is about giving them what they really need.

15:16Tony Robbins:So, knowing what they want and what they need and then being able to give them that. You know, finding new ways to delight, surprise, give pleasure, fulfil their needs, paying the attention to that other person. And then the third part of the relationship pyramid is knowing what you really want. You know, become the kind of person others want to give to, you know, by attraction, not control. So relationships, they're not easy. It takes time. It takes effort. We get distracted. We get busy, you know, but consistently improving and nurturing the relationship you have, not only the relationship you have with yourself but also with others, is going to lead to so much more fulfilment in life.

16:10Tony Robbins:And there are really, you know, six positions of a relationship, right? So, position number one is where you have a magnificent relationship. It's full of love and passion, right? That's gold standard. Position Position number two, it could be that it's a relationship with lots of love, but with little or no passion. Position number three, you're in a relationship, but there's not much love and there's not much passion either. Position number four, you're planning your escape. Maybe. Is that you? You might be. Position number five, you're not in a relationship, but you want to be in one. And position number six is you're not in a relationship and you don't want to be in one.

16:58OK, so those six different levels. And I would say, you know, from my experience, and I'm no relationship expert at all, but I've been in a few relationships over the years, is that sometimes you can go in cycles, you know, you can dip up and dip down depending on what's going on. And just because you might be in a period where actually life has just got really busy, you know, you still live each other, but you're not really giving as much time and attention and the passion isn't quite there. You know, that doesn't mean to say that you stay in that position. You know, you can certainly, you know, recognise where you are, understand each other better and make the effort for that other person.

17:36And communication is key, isn't it? I find it very difficult to talk about stuff. You know, I was brought up in a family which was a very loving family, but nonetheless, we never had a confrontation. We didn't talk about sex. We certainly didn't have difficult conversations, really. And that means that I find it quite challenging to have conversations, especially when there are things that need to be addressed. I'm lucky because my husband, Chris, is very open and is much more able to bring up things, which has hugely helped us over the years because he's helped me be a lot more open with kind of my communication in these areas as well.

18:12So I don't find it easy, you know. And then really when it comes to your relationship, again, there's another pyramid to think about. So think about which position are you in? Are you in position one, position two or maybe in position six?

18:26Tony Robbins:You know, so, you know, what are the things in a relationship? What are the things that you can do, right? I can do it with knowledge, habits, skills in aligning yourself with your partner. What are the things that you will do? So what natural behaviour are you, you know, will you do to make sure that the relationship moves each person towards personal goals? And then the team fit, you know, do you share one or two needs with the other person? You know, you could be very different personalities. Chris and I are very different personalities, but we have shared values. And, you know, we have a lot of shared goals as well.

19:08And that means that we're able to kind of move in the same direction, you know, after 20 years together. But we have to work at it. We have to work on it. Every relationship has to work on it. You know, and in a romantic relationship, in an intimate relationship, it's actually the polarity that creates that electricity, that connection. Because otherwise, what's the difference between an intimate relationship and a friendship? Well, it's intimacy, right? So, you know, you've got to actually truly dig deep on some of this stuff. And, you know, what I would encourage you to do is a little bit of the exercise that we did when I was with Tony Robbins.

19:52And the first one is, you know, which position are you in right now in your relationship? And why are you there, do you think? You might be in position one, right, full of energy, love, passion. Fantastic. You might be in position two where you love each other, but maybe there's not quite as much passion that you would like. Or you might be actually planning your escape, you know. So why are you in that position? And which position are you committed to be in? Where do you want to be? And if you're not in a relationship right now, but you do want to be in one, what does that relationship look like?

20:27What's the perfect relationship that you can go out there and design and find? And what is it going to take you to get there? What are you going to have to do in order to get to that position? So, you know, describe your ideal relationship And write it down Whether you're in one or you're not in one And you want to be in one What would that relationship look like? What's stopping you from creating that vision? You know, be honest with yourself This stuff is quite tricky, I will say

20:59Tony Robbins:You know, and what are you going to do To make that vision a reality? Right? What are you going to do differently? So there's so much in this But there was also a really interesting perspective around men's brains and women's brains. Now, this is not about whether you're gay, straight, homosexual, heterosexual, you know, there are elements of masculinity and femininity in all of us, right? But there was a very interesting perspective, which I thought was hilarious, but actually made so much sense. So I'm going to try and relay it to you. So men's brains, and this is a generalisation, men's brains are full of little boxes.

21:44And in those little boxes is a specific topic. So there's a box for money, there's a box for relationship, there's a box for work, there's a box for DIY, there's a box for the car, etc. right? And the important thing is when a topic comes up and a conversation happens, the man goes, gets that little box out of his brain and talks about exactly what's in the box. Nothing else. What's in the box? And then when the conversation has happened, the box pushes back in and the most important thing is the boxes do not touch, right? Man's brain. The female brain is like a big ball of wire. Everything's connected.

22:31The car's connected to the job and the job's connected to the finances and the finances are connected to the house and the house is connected to the relationships and the kids and then everything in a woman's brain is connected. And it's all driven by a fuel called emotion. And that often means that, you know, women, they never forget anything because they attach a motion to a topic that means it's lodged in that brain. Now, the man has a favourite box and this is called the nothing box and in the nothing box is exactly that, nothing. And this is this favourite box of all and this is why a man can sit there with the remote control, flicking the channels, not watching anything, or going fishing.

23:30Doing that for hours and hours and hours because it's in the nothing box. Women do not understand the nothing box. We've got to fill that box. We've got to talk about stuff. So men and women have very, very different perspectives on things, don't they? And I think, you know, there's often when emotions get involved and what can shut down a relationship, and for a woman, it's different to a man, right? So Tony Robbins talks about, you know, the feminine three yous. Okay, so these are the watch outs for you guys. Number one, feeling unseen. Okay, and the solution to this is giving her attention.

24:17The second one is feeling that she is not understood. So giving presence, giving real presence all the time. And then the third area is feeling unsafe or that you can't trust the person. So those are the feminine three U's that often result in women closing down in a relationship. Now, the masculine is three C's that can shut down a relationship, shut down the intimacy. Number one, being criticised, right? So as a woman, you need to be admiring and appreciating your man. Often, as women, we call that coaching. And that is kryptonite for men. Number two, feeling closed, right? So being closed. And number three, feeling controlled, worst of all.

25:17So I've certainly been guilty of this in relationships myself where I've been too controlling, I've been too critical. Even now, I still, I do that a lot and I really have to work hard to not do that. But those are the things for men and women to be aware of. And then there are five relationship stressors to think about. And again, maybe take a bit of time to think about your own relationship. Is any of this starting to sneak in? So the first one is loss of attraction. Second one is irritation, frustration. Third one, loss of physical attraction. action, fourth one, loss of commitment, and then the fifth one is around incompatibility.

26:06So relationships, you know, it takes time and effort, doesn't it? And every relationship has a season. You know, we have the spring, where it's the age of enchantment, the pursuit of pleasure, you know, you're in the very early stages of relationships. Then you move into the summer, it's often the age of awakening you know and the pursuit of meaning then we get into the autumn you know it's it's it's deepening deepening that shared meaning and then of course as we move into winter you know it's completion and devotion the attainment of cosmic devotion so every relationship goes through those those seasons so again you know where do you think you are in the season of your relationships.

26:52And there's just so much in this. It's highly, highly personal, highly sensitive, obviously, in some areas.

27:01Tony Robbins:But actually, it does drive a lot of how we feel, how we respond, how we show up to the world in other parts of our lives as well, doesn't it? So, you know, for me, it was really interesting to actually reflect and to, you know, come back and have some really great conversations and, you know, to improve our relationship even more. You know, we've been together 20 years and we only got married this year, which is fantastic. So, you know, I feel very grateful for having, you know, Chris in my life. He's my number one fan. He's my biggest critic as well, right? He's my biggest champion. But we have to work on our relationships.

27:40And I'm sure, you know, there are times when I've messed relationships up in the past many times. and I'm not any relationship guru at all but I just thought it was really interesting this whole day dedicated to relationships with Tony Robbins so I thought I would share that with you in case that helps you on your journey and on your relationship so remember whatever you're doing you know this is about creating a life of meaning it's about your own identity it's around going for what you want. It's around putting yourself in the best shape possible. And, you know, what is your date with destiny?

28:19I'd love to hear from you. I really would. I think this is an exciting time for us all. And it's one full of potential, full of hope, full of joy. And yes, there'll be challenges along the way. Of course there will. Remember the five givens? But at the same time, it's all to play for isn't it so you know and I genuinely believe that it is by being brave and bold that you're going to unlock your brilliant so just go for it and a big thank you and a big shout out to Tony Robbins and for the six days I spent in person with him I really hope you've enjoyed this episode of brave bold brilliant remember check out our new website www.brave-bold-brilliant.com You're going to find loads of resources on there that's going to help you with your leadership journey and with the businesses that you're trying to scale up and grow.

29:10So take care, everyone. And remember, there are no limits to your growth, but it is by being brave and bold that you're going to unlock your brilliance.