A Christmas Gift to My Ex Boyfriends

0:02What is up daddy gang it is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy

0:13Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! It's the most wonderful time of the year. There'll be kids jingle belling and hearts will be swirling. with loved ones, Archie. Oh, oh, oh. Daddy gang, Merry Christmas. I bet you thought it was Santa himself. Hold on, I can't breathe. Hey, daddy gang. Come cozy up. Sit by the fire. Pour yourself some hot cocoa. Santa's here. Santa! I know him. Listen, everyone can think back and remember that truly, truly horrible, traumatic, life-altering moment when we all found out that Santa wasn't fucking real. I pray to God no daddy gang members like, Santa's not real?

1:26Yes, bitch. I'm Santa, okay? Let me tell you about the time that I figured out Santa wasn't real. It all started with my fucking bitch of a sister. just kidding love you my sister is older than me four years older and I remember I'm sitting on the school bus coming home it was the last day before Christmas break and I am just young thugging and getting it and I am just like oh my god Santa is gonna pop off this year I am so on the nice list I'm such not a naughty little bitch like I've done everything right I wrote my list the North Pole has it God is good Santa is gonna come through and I'm talking about this to my friend on the school bus and my sister turns around in her big scene.

2:05She turns around and she's like, by the way, Alex, Santa's not real. You realize it's dad, right?

2:16Sorry, what? Sorry, no, Catherine. I had no fucking idea that Santa wasn't real. You guys, in that moment, the hatred that I had for not just her, but for every single person that eventually ruins the concept of Santa being Santa. It really made me upset and depressed.

2:51If you're watching this in video, you'll know that I look like an insane person. I'm in a Santa costume. If you're not watching this in video and you're driving to work or you're at work, just know I'm dressed as Santa. Okay. This is officially the last episode of Call Her Daddy before we come back for the new year. So I'm going to go and you guys are all going to have fun. You're going to celebrate Christmas. You're going to celebrate Hanukkah. You're going to be with friends. You're going to be with family. Maybe you're alone. Whatever you are choosing to do, we are going to kick off the holiday season together right here, right now.

3:25Obviously, I know Santa doesn't fucking exist now. Thank you, Catherine. But what I will say is I'm essentially over here kind of having a rebirth because I am marrying. Oh my God. I am marrying a Jewish man. I love my Jewish boy. Okay. it has been so fun to see Matt experience Christmas for the basically the first time in Christmas traditions for the first time and you best believe that I am force feeding him forcing him to experience all of this spending all night driving around different neighborhoods to scout out the best Christmas lights this year check I've made him do it making those little sugar cookies with the colored frosting that no one ever eats and they're actually kind of disgusting?

4:20Check. Absolutely. We're doing it. Putting reindeer food out in the front yard while obsessively following Santa's movement on the Santa tracker and putting out cookies for Santa, even though Matt is Santa this year. Yeah, you bet your ass we're doing it. I also love that this Santa that I'm living with is just a wee bit different than the Santa that I grew up with. love you dad but this santa in my life now he loves diamonds he loves jewelry he loves expensive shit i don't know if anyone else can relate to this but i have such vivid memories of stalking the shit out of that like santa tracker growing up there was like a website i guess i don't know if it was just a pennsylvania thing but we would look up where santa was and his movements would be like he's in asia he's in south america he's hit the u.s oh my god he's coming down the chimney and it would be let me tell you guys about my Christmas tradition so on Christmas Eve I would be in church we went to church every Christmas Eve my mom would make my sister and I wear matching like hideous plaid red and black jumpers with like tights on and little ballet flats and my sister and I would go matching and my brother had like his little suit on and my whole family would go to church and all of a sudden the priest would announce that per the tracker Santa had officially crossed into the Pennsylvania border and I being the biggest Christmas enthusiast of all time would then be on the verge of a mental fucking breakdown I was so convinced at this age that if we didn't haul ass home and immediately tuck ourselves into bed that Santa would skip over our house and we would miss Christmas forever and I took that shit seriously I was so fucking annoying I'd be like pulling on my mom's dress like mom I don't care about Jesus right now we gotta get home for Santa.

6:08My mom's like, yeah, yeah. You'll fucking listen to the gospel and shut the fuck up. That's not really how it went down, but on Call Her Daddy, it sounds better that way. I'm like, mom, I love Jesus and I love God. Is it time for Santa yet? I don't want to miss my presents. And my mom would be like, he won't miss us, sweetie. He's coming. Okay. And one of the best parts that I realize now, like I love creating those traditions with my family, but now I'm realizing I have my own version of my own family now, right? Like I have my family that I grew up with and now Matt and I are creating our own memories and my favorite part right now of being engaged to essentially a Christmas virgin is that we're getting to watch all of the iconic Christmas movies for the first time together because lucky for me daddy gang Matt hasn't seen any fucking Christmas movie besides Elf.

6:59Will Ferrell you're an icon you're a legend and I Love You and that movie is perfect. But even people that like don't celebrate Christmas have seen that movie, okay? I'm talking OG. Okay, daddy gang, this man has never seen the Santa Claus movie with Tim Allen. I'm sorry. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you've fucking seen that. And if you haven't seen that movie, immediately please click out of this episode and go watch. Well, maybe wait till the episode is finished. But you know what? I take that back. Santa Claus is more important than this episode. go watch Tim Allen be the Santa Claus.

7:32So the fact that I'm getting to pop Matt's Christmas cherry on so many fun traditions is just giving me life. Like I'm really in the Christmas spirit. I was cracking the fuck up the other day. I'm watching Matt attempt to string Christmas lights on our tree. He's never put lights on a tree. He's never had a fucking Christmas tree. Okay. Daddy gang this man was struggling and it's also kind of the cutest thing because his family is Jewish and his entire family like they scheduled to visit to come over to see our tree because they've never had a tree and they're like oh my god this is so fun like you guys are gonna have you're the only house that has a tree right now because Matt has other siblings they're all Jewish they married Jewish I'm the outlier and I'm bringing the tree but Matt isn't the only one experiencing new traditions this holiday season even though he's going to be out of town by the hot by the time it's like I think the last night of Hanukkah is on his family is celebrating on the 18th and I'm going to go over to his family's house to celebrate Hanukkah with them even though he's not going to be there something I realized is it's such a fabulous feeling when you get to the point of your relationship where you can hang out with your partner's family without them being there and you're not self-conscious or nervous about trying to impress them it's like I feel like I've essentially gained a second family I'm officially a chrismica bitch do you guys ever watch the OC my favorite show in the world the OC um Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood were Ryan celebrated Christmas and Seth celebrated Hanukkah.

9:16And so they coined it Christmica. Well, I am a Christmica household and I'm a proud Christmica household. Okay. We've got our fucking menorah and we've got our tree. Merry fucking Christmica. Anyways, daddy gang, what else is this currently the season of? The season of gift giving. So if you're listening to this, hopefully you found the perfect gift for that special someone by now. And if you haven't, well, sounds like you're fucked, but I'm not. Okay. This year, Matt and I agreed that we're not going to be doing gifts this year. So I'm thankfully off the hook. We're just going to be spending the holidays traveling.

10:00So we said that our gift to each other is like the flights and the hotels and all of that. The problem is, is I'm married to a sneaky little bitch. Okay. We have done this before where we have looked each other in the eyes and we have said, we're going to travel, babe. No gifts this year. And what does Matt do? He has the audacity come December 25th to hand me a gift. And then I'm the fucking asshole that didn't get Matt a gift because we agree we weren't doing fucking gifts. Matt, I love you so much, but you make me look so bad every single year. But this year I was sitting and thinking about it because he's been gone and I'm like, okay, like, do I get him a gift?

10:43Do I not get him a gift? Because I know he's going to get me a gift. Even when we said we were not going to get each other gifts, but do I like, what do I do? I'm holding my ground. Okay. I know that motherfucker is going to pull out the same exact move. I love how I'm like pretending like I'm so annoying. Love it. It's going to be like some cute little jewelry or something, but we said we're not getting gifts and Matt's the hardest person to get a gift for, okay? So I'm going to do an immaculate job internally within myself to set some boundaries and I'm not going to let myself feel that guilt that I have felt in the past when I'm empty-handed and this man gives me a diamond necklace.

11:18We had a deal and you broke it, Matt, and that's on you. I love how I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not going to feel guilty. I know I'm going to feel like a fucking piece of shit, but objectively, and I don't know if any other woman watching this feels this way, Guys are so fucking hard to get gifts for. Girls are so easy. Get us any type of jewelry. Get us a fucking spa thing. Get us a gift card to Sephora. Get us some clothes. Like, it's pretty simple. What does a man need? Another pair of khakis? No. You don't need them, actually. Throw them the fuck out, okay? I don't know what to get Matt ever.

11:55I need to show, share, you guys. I'm thinking about this and it's bringing back. I'm kind of getting triggered. So I don't know if I've ever told this story. I think I had the absolute worst guilt that I have probably ever felt was a couple years ago during this Christmas time. And I was spending it with Matt and it was a disaster. So Matt and I were spending Christmas in London and this was kind of at the beginning of our relationship, but we definitely were at a place where it was official. Like we were both not saying it, but we knew like we are definitely boyfriend and girlfriend. Now that I think back, like I don't think Matt and I ever were like, do you want to be my girlfriend?

12:34Do you want to be my boyfriend? It was just kind of like, oh, we're not talking to anyone else. Like this is a real thing. So we're in London together and Matt and I go to the countryside of London and I felt like I was in the holiday movie. Like it couldn't have been more romantic. We go to two different places. This is also the time that the Reddit people tried to call the cops on me. That was a whole other story. Oh my God. Fast forward, we're in London and we're trying to have a great time. I don't get arrested, which is perfect. And we're having the most incredible time. Like, I'm not a convict.

13:03I'm thriving. We're literally, honestly, it made our trip that much better. Like, we're like, oh, we like, we're thriving. And so Matt and I are sitting and we have this little cottage and there's like horses outside that are just roaming free. Like, we're just literally in the countryside and it's beautiful. And it's Christmas. and Matt pulls out the most beautiful diamond necklace. And I'm like, thank you so much. Like, this is so, so gorgeous. And thank you. And that was it. And I did not give him a gift. And I just smiled through the pain. And in my brain, I had a gift on the way. I had a gift that I had been working on and putting so much effort into, but it wasn't done.

13:48But I didn't tell him this. So he's just like, okay, like what the fuck? And I now look back and I'm like, this poor man was like, are you, like, is she going to give me a gift? And so I didn't give him a gift. Fast forward, we get back to Los Angeles like a couple days later and he's just acting kind of weird. Like he's just been in kind of a weird mood and I finally go up to him and I'm like, Matt, like what is wrong with you? And oh my God, it makes me like sad to this day. He gets tears in his eyes and Matt looks at me and he was like, are you in this and I was like what and he's like are you in this as much as I'm in this because I'm not fucking around like I'm so in love with you and I want to spend what I think is the rest of my life with you and like and I'm like of course like we've talked about like what Matt And he goes, Alex, you didn't even get me a card for Christmas.

14:44And I'm like, oh my fucking God, I am the devil walking on earth. I am the biggest piece of shit. But let me just clear my name. I was working on a gift and I had such anxiety about giving him this perfect gift that I didn't want to say like, your gift is coming. Like, I just, I don't know why I didn't want to tell him that, but whatever. So he thought I literally wasn't even thinking about him. I didn't get him anything. So I'm going to finish this story because it all comes full circle and I don't look as big of an asshole, but I almost cried in that moment. I felt like such a big piece of shit.

15:17So daddy gang, we always like to tie things into lessons here. What can we learn from my mistakes and from the story is that it is hurtful when you don't get your significant other a gift and then you never even address it. Like I could have at least, like I said, said like, it's coming. Don't worry. It's in the process. It's taking super long. At least he would have known something's coming. So I would say if you're feeling overwhelmed going into the holidays about gift giving, you should just talk to your partner is my advice. There is nothing worse than feeling like you're completely missing the mark with your gift because you don't know what to expect from your partner.

15:57We have all been there. You're building up whatever they got us in our head. We're like, oh my God, they must be getting me something like this. And then you're out there buying something completely insane, trying to compete with it. When in reality, if you just talked about it, you may find that you're also both struggling or even if they're not like they'll make you feel better. So if your gift is taking longer than expected, say something. If you're feeling a little insecure that you don't have much in the budget this year for a gift, maybe you're like, fuck, I literally can't spend money on this.

16:29Say something. If you're struggling to think of a gift that they'll actually use or they'll like, say something. Because when you don't say anything and take it from me, daddy gang, it just comes across like you do not give a fuck about this person. And I know it's easy to be like, that's so fucking shallow. It's just a gift. But no, it hurts when you put a lot of thought and care into something for someone and it's not reciprocated. So if you are still lost, the route that I always suggest taking when it comes to gift giving is the sentimental route. Okay. You guys remember, I told you I would pull the story full circle.

17:11Uh-huh. Okay. You remember that earlier? I said that. Okay. I ended up being five months late for his Christmas gift, but let me show you why. okay what was it it was oh wait let me think about this Christmas so December January February March April I was four months late I gave this Christmas gift to him on his birthday in April and then I didn't give him a birthday gift till like August let me show you what I got Matt and this is what was taking so long okay okay this is a fucking masterpiece I was working on a book for Matt that I was spending so, so, so much time with. And I think that you guys could maybe steal a few things for me to use for your next gift if you want to get something really sentimental for your partner.

18:02And I also just recognize that there's five days until Christmas by the time this comes out. So you know what? Maybe yours will be a few months late, but then do what I didn't do and tell them I'm working on some amazing thing. It's coming. Let me show you guys this book. Okay, so Matt has everything. Matt, I feel like is like the guy that he's, I would never pick out clothes for him. I would never pick a watch out for it. Like he's just, he has his own style that I, he's better tasted me. So I'm like, I can't pick something out. So the book at this point, we were dating for eight months and the book has the date of the first day that we met 7 27 2020.

18:42And then it goes till 4 14 2021. 21. It was going to be obviously Christmas, but we changed it to his birthday. Okay. Anyways, it says volume one, because I'm going to make so many more of these books. And when I say that, I'm like in 20 years, we'll get volume two, because clearly this takes me so fucking long to make. And on the back, it says, I love you more than life itself. Okay. So it reads to Matthew, you. The past eight months have been magical. This book is the first of many to chronicle our passionate life together. Love, Alex. I feel like I'm literally doing a storybook. Oh my God, don't they do this in the mall where like Santa's reading the kids a book?

19:25I'm Santa. This is like a little bit raunchier book, kids. Close your eyes. Okay. So it starts with the beginning and it's our love story. And I basically write how we met together and it takes up a couple pages. Okay. Then you open the book and it is our zoom meeting. And I took a screenshot of the date that our zoom meeting was scheduled for July 16th. I screenshot it and it says Alex Cooper with Matt Kaplan on my Gmail calendar. And it says, hi, Alex, Matt Kaplan is running a little behind schedule today and asking to push this back 15 minutes, blah, blah, blah. Do you guys remember when I told you the story that Matt was late to our meeting.

20:11And so I had time to Google him and then I realized he was hot. So I quickly put on makeup and push my tits up. That is because he was 15 minutes late. So I still have the email. And what I did is I screen, I took all these pictures and then I would write like July 16th, 2020 at 5 PM. We were set for our first zoom call, a meeting to discuss a call her daddy TV show. You were running late, pushed the meeting back 15 minutes. I was bored. So naturally I Googled you, saw you were hot, ran and changed into a tight shirt and then was officially ready for our date. I mean meeting. After this meeting, the next page is the email.

20:46So Matt follows up with an email after our Zoom meeting with all of his employees on it. And he goes, we making this TV show, you coming out to LA or what? And I said, I'm coming. So sexual. I said, are you even going to be there or are you going to be out of town? And he goes, can you come on blah, blah, blah. I'll take you to a delish dinner. I said a delish dinner dot dot dot seems like a perfectly good reason to change a flight. He said my cell is blah blah blah XO. I said July 20th you emailed me and asked me to get dinner. I remember not even hesitating to change my flight to make it happen.

21:22Little did we know you also weren't going to have to leave the next day for your movie and we were going to be in LA much longer than expected. So then you guys it's literally beat by beat of our relationship. this is what I wore on our first date and this is the text message of the day that he took me on the date I said Matt Kaplan it's Alex Cooper assuming you're not canceling on me let me know what our plan is tonight he goes what up lady still good for tomorrow where are you staying sushi question mark I said the Andas in West Hollywood sushi sounds wonderful he said perfect and so then the after dinner text after we made out in his car and made out at sushi he just texts me at 1 128 a.m.

22:00That was perfect. I said, thank you. Such a good night. I better see you Wednesday. And he put two hearts and I put a kissy face. And we were like obsessed with each other. And then the book essentially goes through. This was our first trip together. And so I write all of these long things of like, I put all of our pictures, but then again, it's like April 8th at 947 secretly and very creepily took these photos of you to send to my mother who was asking if you were cute. I said, he's cute in person. This morning we went to get a Manny and Petty together, sat in the back of the nail salon outside, listened to Michelle Obama's first podcast episode.

22:35What? And picked out bathing suits for the Hamptons trip together. Obsessed. All of this goes through, this was our first Hamptons trip together. I don't know if you guys remember that, but I, and I'm writing all this stuff. This was my birthday dinner that he took me out to. Got so blackout. Love that for me. Oh my God. This was the funniest 4th of July So I go through and I take all of our pictures from our relationship and I put the date and the exact time. And I went through every single basically era of our relationship for the eight months that we did. And it's all of these pictures together.

23:06And I'm hoping there's no nudes in here. And then it basically ends and set. Oh, my God. Do I want to read this? And then the last page is happy birthday. Even though it's supposed to be Christmas. I had to edit that on the website. I was like, delete, delete, delete. Merry Christmas. Happy birthday, babe. Like, fuck my life. Again, four months late, but worth it. I said, happy birthday, Matthew. You are the most kind, thoughtful, generous, loving, talented, handsome man I've ever met. You care so deeply for the people you love and make me want to be a better person every single day. I love the way we push each other to be our best, support each other through the fun successes, but more importantly, the hard times.

23:47You're my best friend. meeting you this year was without a doubt the biggest blessing that's ever come into my life you've changed my life for the better in so many ways i can't thank you enough for all that you do for me i promise to always protect your heart and this relationship you mean everything to me together i know we can accomplish anything go through hell and back together what whatever it is we face as long as we're together we will be okay our relationship is enviable we make it look easy because with you it is today we're celebrating you you beautiful human thank god lisa pushed you out.

24:17That's his mother. Um, I love you with all my heart, Matt love Alex. And so this whole book was worth four months. Okay. So to everyone that started listening to my story thinking, oh, she's a cunt. I get it. And that, that is what I would think too. But I redeemed myself and this book. Now I'm like, fuck, I should start making the next book because if anything, this is motivating me, even if it's not for Christmas, I'm going to put no time on it. I'm like, babe, you'll get one in the next five years. And hopefully I push one out. Literally. I just realized actually, like the moral of the story is like, I got to do less.

24:55Like I am so fucking good at giving gifts. I got to do less. And by less, I mean every five years, Matt gets a gift. And every year I get a gift from Matt. Like he keeps giving me the jewelry. I'm like, Ooh, you just wait for that five year, baby. Another book comes. You know, what's so funny also is back in my athlete era. So all of my exes were convinced that I was the best gift giver in the entire world, which I know is the complete opposite of what I just described. And yes, I actually was, even though it was completely based in manipulation, but you know, who cares? Listen to what genius gift I would give them.

25:35So back in the day, my mom introduced me to this woman that she knew through work and she was this incredible artist. And when I started dating Red Sox player, man, um, I remember just being like, this man is making so much money. He has everything he would need. How do I make myself memorable? And I kind of knew that like our relationship was on the rocks. So I would never like, I feel like I'm always the person that would be like, never get a man a gift if he doesn't like you. But I knew that this could possibly end in a couple months and I wanted to get him a gift that would be so beautifully manipulative that he could never forget me.

26:13You know what I mean? Guys, let's just regress a little bit right here just because I just read you the most like gorgeous loving book. Like, oh, Alex, you're so healthy. Back to the basics. Manipulate the fuck out of a man so he never forgets you. So Red Sox man, as you guys know, was 13 years older than me, was making 16 million dollars a year and I didn't have a dollar to my name at the time in college. And so I'm like, how can I come up with something that no woman will ever have gotten him? And I come up with this genius idea. So he plays baseball and I was like, okay, what if I get one of his teammates to get me one of his bats?

26:52And I am going to essentially write down a list of all of our inside jokes, our nicknames for each other, the places we've been together, the food that we like to eat, like everything that is our life together and I'm going to have this artist basically like graffiti ink the entire baseball bat with all of our inside jokes and everything. So I get the baseball bat from his friend and I send it to this artist and I spend so many hours on the phone with her for like about a month being like this is the inside joke. Like we had this thing with like a monkey. I forget what the fuck that was. Was that me like hanging from the ceiling while we're fucking I don't know like there was crazy shit.

27:28Okay. Crazy sexual shit. Crazy stuff that was just fun. And so I had this woman to a tee paint every single inch of this bat. And by the time the bat was over, we were over. And so I was not seeing him anymore, but I'm like, I've got this bat. And so I remember I drive to his apartment and I leave it with his doorman and I leave a little note saying, Merry Christmas, like wish you the best in this like next chapter of your life or whatever. Cause like I was over it. I was, I think I was dating someone new at the time, whatever. But again, we always want them to be in love with us, even if we're not in love with them.