All My Friends Are Having Kids

0:00Sunday morning, Father's calling. do do do do do do do do every sunday's father's day

0:14daddy gang welcome back to another episode of call her daddy it is your father we're here we're back we're ready it's a good fucking sunday let me just tell you a little something okay i am so goddamn proud of myself i barely did shit but i'm like this is a day to celebrate This is a win for all of us. If it's a win for me, if it's a win for you, we all fucking celebrate. Okay. Cause life is too fucking short and it's also too fucking miserable. And I got to just say as a homeowner, a proud, I would say a fairly newly homeowner. I have to just be honest. I threw a kick-ass fucking party and I usually wouldn't take credit for it because Matt's usually doing all the goddamn work and I'm just drinking in the corner, you know, shaking my tits, looking like a hot little bitch.

0:58But today, not today, a week ago, okay, about a week ago, your father showed up and showed out, okay?

1:30here's the thing Matt and I bought this house uh I think it was like a year almost two years ago wow and it was a big step for us we bought a house before we got married controversial okay okay the people at the fucking church are like sinners you fucked and you bought a house before you got married you little piece of shit listen to each his own Matt went and saw this house and I wasn't able to go with him because I was working because I am a literal workhorse. Okay. You can't stop me from putting in that work, putting in that grind, making sure this podcast is a plus plus top of the charts. Okay, sweetie, we are swinging that dick round and round for the views and the views and the views.

2:11So Matt, I remember when I viewed this house and we had seen three houses prior to this house, we were looking in the middle of COVID because I said, listen, Matt, I love Los Angeles, but really, I don't know if I do, you know, I love you. I love our dogs. I love the weather sort of, you know, I am a little dark dungeon bitch where like maybe I would prefer a little winter, a little brisk, little, I would like to see the trees change. Okay. But so I remember I was like, Matt, we live in West Hollywood. I need to get a little out of here. I need a little bit more space. I want to feel like I'm in Pennsylvania.

2:42Who would have ever fucking thought that, right? The girl that was like, get me out of this cage. Get me out of PA. OK, Pennsylvania and Alex Cooper. I now look back and I'm like, thank God I was raised there. Right. Because if I was raised in Los Angeles, California, I probably wouldn't have made it because I would have been 14 years old fucking putting the titties up online and going to casting calls. But thankfully, my mother was like, no, no, no, no, no. You can do that when you're in your 20s. And so thankfully, I was home, you know, on the cornfield. I was fucking shucking the corn. I was I was eating my meat and potatoes in goddamn Pennsylvania.

3:19And what am I? Oh, the point was, is I started to miss Pennsylvania. Because the problem is, is like when you're in Los Angeles, it's very different from New York City. I thrived in New York City as it is well documented. But when I got to Los Angeles, I'm like, there's such potential for grass and nature and all the good things. I want more of that because this isn't this isn't okay, can I be honest? This isn't like the best city, you know, like, sorry, oh my God, come for me. But like New York city, nothing compares. Right. And so if I'm not going to be in a full, full city, like let's just go motherfucking country, baby.

3:53So Matt and I started looking for a house that was a little less in the quote unquote city of Los Angeles. And I will never forget. I'm sitting in my edit booth and I'm editing an episode of Call Her Daddy and Matt calls me and he FaceTimes me and he's like, babe, I fucking found our house and I'm only standing in the driveway. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, and Matt is so particular about things. Like he would never fucking say that. And a huge point of why he knew this was the house for us is it. Oh my God.

4:26If I ever, if I ever say the word forever home, literally shoot me in the fucking head. I wasn't about to say that. I do want to say, I was about to say like, what is a saying for like, you know, you can fucking put your roots in your roots and you can like you can settle down here like maybe if I pop out a kid one day it's gonna be in this house you know what I mean and so that's what I was saying I wasn't saying forever home you fucking cunts okay that's you being cringe on the internet I don't own that behavior okay but anyway so Matt and I found our forever home and we just knew this house was going to be somewhere that like all of our family would come and congregate for holidays and birthdays and big moments.

5:08And so Memorial Day comes along and Matt and I look at each other over a cold glass of wine. No, we're cracking open a beer. It's about to be summer. And Matt and I are like, what are we doing for this long weekend? And Matt's like, why don't we throw a party? And let's not tell everyone a week in advance. Let's kind of tell them midweek so that like we don't have too many people that come, but let's have our friends and family over and let's throw a good ass motherfucking party. And I'm like, you know what? I love that because here's the thing. I need enough time in a weekend to relax so I can get ready for the week ahead.

5:43And usually that means that like Matt and I will go out on a Friday night or a Saturday night, but I can't do both. And also Sunday is completely for laying. Like I need to rot. I need to lay. I need to sink into the mattress. I need bed sores. I need to be Willy Wonka's parents plus 10. And I just need that. And Matt doesn't understand it. So he's always going golfing on a Sunday and I'm like, goodbye. Good day. I will be marinating watching Grey's Anatomy, watching Parenthood. I will be on episode 95 by the time you come back. And that is what a Sunday is for. Okay. But because it was a long weekend, I was like, he's like, are you sure, babe?

6:16Like, I don't, I know you've been super stressed. There's a lot of work stuff coming up and summer's coming up. So you're trying to get ahead. And I said, Matt, put me in, let's go, let's throw a party. Now, when we're about to throw a party, there's a lot of things that go into it. So because it was about to be the first kind of party of summer, Matt and I have like not gotten our house completely in order for summer. So Matt has people outside power washing the motherfucking house. I'm like trying to record an episode the other day and there was just shooters coming at me through the fucking windows.

6:44I'm like, boys, the door isn't boys, the door isn't fucking closed. The house is flooding. Every fucking minute of the day, Matt has people at this house. Everyone is gardening, fixing. I look out, Matt's out there with his big boots and his gloves on and I'm like I'm not going to partake in like that kind of stuff but let me know what alcohol we need okay so Matt's getting our house ready for summer and for this party which is fun and we're bringing out like our lawn chairs and all the stuff which is I mean as much as I fucking hate summer because I don't like the weather it's fun to like think about but then when you're living it like is it even that fucking funny and I'm like sweating and I'm just like okay whatever but does anyone relate like I'm a winter girl through and through I'm ice to the brim ice to the cold ice to the heart.

7:24And Matt is like, I just want summer. He's like, I'm a lizard. I can be in Palm Springs when it's 110 degrees and I won't even break a sweat. Me, I have a spray tan on 24 seven and I can't be living that kind of life. You know what I mean? I can't even wear white because my entire dress will turn orange in like five minutes. So I need a little bit of an opportunity to just like have shade or get those Amazon things that are just like fans that I stick in my purse, which I did buy 10 of those very helpful girls. Just get them for summer. So you're not schvitzing. Now, the problem is, is that Matt and I first said to each other, okay, I think 15 people will come to this party.

7:59And for me, 15 people is a lot. Because again, when I was living in New York City, you could barely fit 10 people in an apartment, you know? So 10 on my barometer is like, oh, we're pushing it. Like, oh, max to the limit. 15, you're like, damn, we're fucking at capacity. 48-ish hours before the party. We find out we're kind of hitting that like 25, 30 party mark. And I'm like, Oh, damn, Maddie, like, we're gonna have to up the burgers up the hot dogs. Maybe I should go get some sandwiches to like, we got to beef the shit up. And then all of a sudden, 24 hours before Matt hits me down. And it's like, babe, by the way, we're really gonna be throwing a big party.

8:36And I'm like, I know it's so he goes, No, I just got confirmation that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah are coming to the party. So we're pushing like 50 now. Now there's a couple things that come to mind when you say that there are 50 people coming to my house. Number one, harder to escape because I feel like when people are at your house at that capacity, like people are wandering upstairs, you know, oh, that bathroom was taken and that bathroom was taken and the Aperol spritz is going to make me fucking shit my pants. So I was wandering upstairs and then people are in your bathroom.

9:04You know what I mean? And a lot of times during a party, if I'm hosting, I have this rule with myself, okay, where it's like I'm extroverted to a point, to a point. And so I'm going to need to, I'm going to need to reel it in a couple times. and that is the best part of hosting. There's a lot of negatives about hosting, but let me say my favorites. Number one, getting to escape in your home. If I am at fucking Marty Smith's house and I gotta shit my pants, I can't do that. So I'm holding it in and then for the next four days, Matt's not getting fucked because I'm backed up, backlogged and my stomach hurts for four fucking days after.

9:40Also, the best part of hosting is I am so fucking weather confused. Okay, girls, I will wake up and I'll walk outside and then I'll say Matt and he goes, what? I'm like, what am I wearing today? Matt is weather boy. Okay, he'll be like, I think you're going to do jeans and a sweater. And every fucking time when I'm preparing to leave my home, I need literal options. I will put jeans on. I will put boots on. I will put an extra pair of flip flops in my car. I will put a tank top on plus a sweater on top and always have an extra jacket in my car because when people are hot I happen to be cold and when people are cold.

10:19I happen to be hot. I am fucked up Don't get in my dms being like my Alex You should really check your thyroid and you should just don't worry about me Okay, if we're going down we're going down. It was fun while it lasted. Okay Let's not make this a health thing. Let's just make this a surface level thing today I wasn't planning on wearing these sunglasses the whole episode. Oh, yeah If you're not watching this I have these sickening glasses on that some of you may make fun of me for, but let me just tell you, don't even bother coming in the comments being like, Alex, where are those sunglasses from?

10:45You want to know where they're from? Korea, Korea. My husband flew all the way to Korea to get me these black pink sunglasses that you can't get. I'm just kidding. He was there making a show, but he also was like, I went shopping, babe. And like everyone said, these are the coolest glasses. And I actually personally think they're pretty fucking weird, but I feel like you like weird glasses. So here you go, Alex. Boom. There we go. Okay. Now they're actually like kind of hurting my head because I have these, um, because I have these headphones on. So anyways, people start to come to our party and I am trying my hardest to be domesticated, which I feel like at this point, if any of you know me, if you're, you've listened to this podcast for, I don't know, two minutes, you can probably guess that like, there's a lot of things where Matt and I may fit into that like classic hetero relationship where like Matt's the man and I'm the woman.

11:35But I would say a lot of the things, it's like roles reversed, right? Matt is like the best housewife and I'm not emasculating him. I think it's like one of the best things about him because I don't do shit. And to be fair, that is a dynamic with my mom and my dad. You know, we love to repeat, you know, we love to repeat history. You know, we watch what we saw when we grew up and then we just fucking recreate it. And so Matt is taking care of everything and he's going and getting all of the food. He's picking everything up because some stuff was you had to pre-order it because it was a big fucking serving of the salads and the everything.

12:06And I'm home. And this is where I was like, damn, like a college education, like this is what I needed to fucking learn. Like I didn't need to fucking learn about social studies. I don't even know what needs to know about fucking algebra. I needed to know how to host a motherfucking party. Okay. I am so fucking dumb. I'm staring at all of the things that Matt went and bought all the decorations and all the things. And I can't figure out like, do I use tape? Do I use a fucking like, like, do I use a clothespin? Do I use like, I don't know. And I'm literally blindly wandering around my house. And then Matt's mother shows up and she's like, sweetie, people are showing up in an hour.

12:47Like why are all the decorations on the ground? And I'm like, Lisa, I am literally fucked. Please help me. So Matt's mom starts helping. Then fucking of course Matt comes home he's like babe it looks so amazing meanwhile I'm like your mother did it okay I've just been trying to fucking figure out the utensils and the silverware to which I will say I was so embarrassed you guys Matt finally was like put put he put baby in the corner and he was like stand over there and just unwrap the the utensils and the paper plates and just put them outside in an organized fashion. I'm a lot of things. I'm gorgeous.

13:26Although I'm not gorgeous right now. You guys, I'm having honestly a little bit of a panic attack. Okay, so I went to a different person for my Botox this time in my forehead and my right eyebrow usually dips a little bit lower. And the thing is, is I understand everyone's like, oh, they're supposed to be sisters, not twins. I want twins. But my right eyebrow usually dips lower. So I asked this woman like, hey, by the way, Like, do you think we could pump up the party a little bit on the right? And she was like, just so you know, like it's risky. And I'm like, yeah, but I, I just want to give it a, take a risk, take a chance.

13:56And I fucking regret it. Okay. Because my right eyebrow is now a little too high. So if you are observing this and you're seeing me look fucking busted, shut the fuck up. Okay. It's the Botox's fault. This is not natural. None of this is natural. Okay. This is the Botox fucking my shit up. And without the Botox, maybe I would be even uglier. But regardless, I just, I need to take a breath. Let me have a sip of my coffee. Wait, you guys. I saw someone on TikTok do this and I never do this. I put cinnamon in my coffee this morning. Your bitch is feeling like she's on some cocaine. Am I allowed to say that?

14:33Don't do cocaine. We don't do drugs here and call her daddy, okay? Natural endorphins, sweetie.

15:04Anyways, so the party starts, you guys, and everyone starts coming and I'm having so much fun and I'm feeling good. I love my outfit and, you know, fuck the whole setup process. We figured it out. Matt kind of took it over. And here's the thing. Back in the day, Lauren and I during COVID would drink these margaritas that this one Mexican restaurant makes. So you can get them for takeout and they are so sneaky good. It kind of reminds me almost of like the, um, like a jungle juice from your, you know, when you were in college or high school and people would make jungle juice, but the jungle juice tastes good.

15:38I feel like jungle juice was disgusting. And I feel like jungle juice was just like full roofies. But you know what I mean? Like the jungle juice is just this big slosh of something and you don't really know what's in it. The good thing about these margaritas is they taste amazing, but you don't really know how much alcohol is in them. So we start drinking these margaritas and everyone's like, oh my God, like, is there even alcohol? These taste amazing. The entire party gets so fucking shit faced off of these margaritas, you guys. And it was so fun. We are all hanging out. We're having the best time.

16:06and then one thing leads to another and I look at Matt and I'm like this may be the best party that we have thrown I walk someone out because they're leaving and I hug and kiss them goodbye and I walk back upstairs and I'm approaching and something feels off you know the vibes just shifted from the greatest party ever to huh something's something's wrong what am I missing here. The vibes were not immaculate. The vibes were stiff. Everyone was stiff. So I approach the backyard and I look at the pool and there had been many kids in the pool. But now there is an adult in the pool with scuba goggles on and he's holding one of my dog's poop bags.

16:58And his wife is standing on the corner of the pool with another poop bag leaning down. And everyone is kind of just staring in silence. And I go to Matt's grandmother who is 100 years old. And I say, grandmommy, what's happening? And she goes, Oh, sweetie, someone took a shit in the pool.

17:32now to be fair I mean it's a great story you know but the logistics you're like oh someone took a shit in the pool one of the children took a little dooksy-wooksy in the pool but wasn't just a little like just not like a little like shart like a little oh like something lots of lots of I don't I'm sorry. I don't want to gross anyone out, but just like many of some, many of a, many of a something. And so the father of said child feels so bad, okay. That he is scuba diving to the bottom of the pool to pick up said shit. And the kids are still swimming in the fucking pool. And I literally grabbed my margarita, douse it down my throat, run over to them.

18:19And I'm like, get out of the fucking pool. You guys, it is fine. Please do not worry about this. We will have someone come clean the pool. Everybody get the fuck out of the pool. And I love them. They are literally like our best friends. They're like, no, Alex and Matt, like we are fucking mortified. I'm like, I'm mortified that you're swimming in shit. I'm mortified that you're scuba diving under my fucking pool, trying to find a kid's drop links, like get out of the motherfucking pool. So they ended up getting out of the pool. And it was just one of those moments where I was joking. I'm like, I have such baby fever.

18:48But this is something I was thinking about that is kind of weird. And I want to talk about it with you guys because I don't know if anyone is at this point in their life. Almost all of my friends in Los Angeles have children or are pregnant. I have a friend that's pregnant and all of my other friends that were at this party have, whether it's infants, newborns, or full on kids. And then aside from my LA friends, all of my like hometown friends and my friends that don't really live in Los Angeles none of them have kids and so I have basically these two friend groups that are at such different places in their life and I will say it's so beautiful to have both of that because I can empathize like as women we I think we get to a point which I'm starting to feel it and I hadn't really felt it until recently where I'm like looking around and when all of my friends in LA are in one place I'm like, oh my God, I'm basically the only person without kids.

19:47And then when I'm with my other friends, it's like crazy that we even are all talking about having kids, you know? And so I'm grateful that I have these two different dynamics of friend groups that I can feel excited on one hand and then nervous on the other hand. Like I feel like I'm the one behind in my LA group, but then I feel like maybe I'm like the most ahead in my non LA group because I'm the one that's like even thinking about it and I'm like the one that like I was like the first one to get married in my friend group and so there's just there's this weird thing happening right now where it's really really exciting but it's also really terrifying and I want everyone that's listening that is you know at this kind of state in their life where like I'm sure there are some people listening that are like all my friends are talking about is going out and partying whatever and like Like I kind of don't want to do that anymore and I want to settle down and but I don't want to be the lame friend that like doesn't party anymore.

20:47And then you may be on the other side of it where you're like, oh my God, like all of my friends have just like started these families and everything is about the kids. And like what about girl time and what about still prioritizing like our individuality and ourselves and like where did that go? And I feel like I know this is a complete bad example, but it's almost it could be equated in a way less intense version to like, if you're dating someone in high school and they're a year older than you and they go to college and you're still in high school, you feel so disconnected and you feel like, oh, you're just like a kid and your boyfriend in college or your friends in college now don't have time for you because you're just the high school kid.

21:28And I feel like that is how maybe some people feel when like their friends start having kids and families. It's like you're getting left behind and you're not in on the joke and you're not in on the things. and I'm just happy I'm experiencing all this right now because it's making me reflect a lot on like whenever I decide one day to have a family of like making sure my friends whether they're single or in relationships or if they don't have kids or if they have kids like you have to be so intentional about your relationships and making sure that people around you even though your life is changing like you still have to foster those relationships as your life changes then that means your friendships are going to change a little bit and that's okay but I think we have to acknowledge that like I think a lot of times people just have kids or do this or or that people watch their friends have kids and think they're going to be the same and it's like of course not your relationship is going to change and does that suck it doesn't have to

22:45you guys I started posting on tiktok just food reviews one because I love food and I'm I feel like my foodie tastes are all over the place which I think could make for a good foodie influencer hi coming to you live I am a food influencer now goodbye caller daddy hello whatever the fuck come up with my food show name. To be fair though, I found this one sandwich shop that, listen, here's the problem with also the parties. Like Matt's entire family is from LA. Matt is from LA. So everyone is always like, oh, do you know this one street? Do you know this one shop? And I'm like, guys, again, I'm from Pennsylvania.

23:22Okay. I still have to use maps sometimes if I take like a wrong road to get to my office. And Matt's like, how do you not, that's also not to be fair like I don't understand direct I'm very I'm very directionally challenged like this won't make sense to anyone but anyone that lives in the northeast region or is in Pennsylvania okay to my OG Pennsylvanians okay listen I will never forget I got my license I'm 17 at this point and I'm like okay well 16 I got it at 16 right that's when you get it okay whatever I was fucking 16 or 17 so I'm young and I'm in love and I want to go to the mall and pick out an outfit for something at school that week I think it was like a dance or whatever and I'm like mom I'm gonna drive to the mall by myself I don't have my permit anymore I have my license I'm allowed to go by myself and my mom was like okay okay okay you can go you can go just do you know how to get there and I'm like mom I have literally been alive for 17 years like of course I know how to get to the Oxford Valley Mall like of course I know how to fucking get there you've brought me there almost every single other weekend, like, come on.

24:26And she's like, okay, okay. Like, I just like, sometimes you don't really understand, like, you know, I-95 versus like the turnpike. And like, sometimes you get it all mixed around and I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. So I get in my car and to give you context, to go from my house to the Oxford Valley mall, um, which was like my local mall. Okay. We've got a lot of options in Pennsylvania. I don't want to flex, but we do have the King of Prussia mall, which is like an hour away. But that was the mall that was like, if you want to go get a dress. You want to go get a dress for your school dance that will knock the socks off of Jimmy and Corleone and Sean, you're going to go to King of Prussia and you're going to get yourself a bandage dress from BCBG.

25:09Okay. But the Oxford Valley Mall, you know, they had Hollister, they had Abercrombie, like we were working okay with like fine things. So that was like my go-to mall. So I'm going to the Oxford Valley Mall, which usually should take me about 12, 12 minutes. to get there. I'm blaring Taylor Swift. Hair is out the fucking window. I am literally feeling like I am entering a new era of my life. I am feeling so confident. I feel like I own this bitch. Okay. I'm in my little Mazda. That was my dad's car. I didn't have a car of my own. Okay. Fuck you to my siblings. They each shared a car. I never got a car.