Amy Schumer: Pro Athletes, Porn & Pretending to C*m

0:02What is up daddy gang? It is your founding father Alex Cooper with call her daddy. Amy Schumer, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you so very much, Alex Cooper. I am so happy we're finally meeting. Me too. No, I need to tell you, I was saying this this morning to my friends. I said, okay, have you ever sent a DM and forgot you sent it? And then they respond and you're like, wait, what did I send? That was me to you. So I, for context, everyone listening, I sent Amy a DM in 2021. I don't even remember who I was at that point in my life. No, you were not yet born yes and I send her basically saying like you gotta come on the show like I love you blah blah three and a half years later I see you saying like oh my gosh just saw this and it was just in the preview yeah I'm like what the fuck did I say like I'm like what did I say to this woman like were you drunk no literally yeah I'm like hammered or high and I'm like Amy and thank God you were like sweet and nice and you're like okay I'll like oh my god well just so you know both Megan Thee Stallion and Britney Spears has one of those shady DMs for me sitting in their inbox.

1:08So I know the feeling and never has it been read. Never have they been read. But I, you know, I was so happy to see that. What is your angle with Megan Thee Stallion? What are you trying to get in there for? I don't remember. No, that's the thing. You send them, you know, you're like, you know, you feel connected to someone. And actually, I have met her. I'd met her at like, I think an Oscar thing. Okay. And when we both won Oscars, I don't know if you, in your research came up, but I won an Oscar and so did Megan. Maybe you saw that. And so I think I just wanted to be like, should we have a friendship, you know?

1:45And she, you know, in return has, you know, not followed me. So I respect, I think she's smart. I think that's a smart move. I'm obsessed. And then we'll leave the Britney one to the imagination. No, Britney has it, but she mentioned me in her book. and god damn that felt amazing street cred street cred

2:20i need to tell you one more story before i start asking you questions so just to get this off my chest okay um i'm not a freak like i'm not a freak fan but i do love you oh my god that's so nice okay i love you too okay good but oh if i were to have one note yeah this mic is real heavy oh my god do you do you ever think like no i don't care look i'm a stand-up like i hold a mic just roast me but this is like an actual weight no like i mean i want to support the brand obviously i'm I'm honored to be on this show you're you're you're a you know a saltan um but this is a heavy microphone you're exhausted yes the thing is is I and I swim but I'm like this is 20 pounds can I just clear my name for a second I always have mic stands always oh you are the exception because I'm like I'm sweating and my hand's sweating but it's fine and I'm honored it's only because this is not my normal studio we didn't know where to put the mic stand and I didn't want it to cover your face because you look gorgeous.

3:19No, thank you. So you're going to have to buck up. Okay. And you're going to have to do a little weight training today. Okay. So shut the fuck up. Okay. Let me engage my core and move on. Now let me tell you like a loving story while you engage the core. Yes. It was the year that train wreck came out and I live in Boston. I'm in college and I am literally at like what feels like the end of the road. I am so fucking miserable. I'm at the worst place in my life. What feels like it? Because like a boy was breaking up with me and I was miserable my mom flies to Boston and it's like I have to cheer you up it's getting really scary over there and it is like a random Tuesday and we go to the movie theater and I'm walking around because my mom's like we got to just see a movie and I'm like train wreck like me like let's just see it like here we go I walk in I sob the entire movie and then when I leave I'm like oh I'm a new fucking bitch like I'm gonna reverse the roles on the men fuck this shit let's fucking go and that movie I know it sounds corny but like you didn't know me at that point but it literally changed my mindset in that moment and it helped me through like a really tough time I'm so thanks no stop no I'm really tearing it might be because the mic is so heavy but I really it's not that that's a dream for someone to say that to me and for you to say that to me I know I know it's like it's hard to give a compliment and it's hard to take a compliment but I'm taking it right right in right now this is close to the Brittany mentioning me in the book and I'm not I'm not fucking with you I am honored thank you for saying of course no so I'm a huge fan so thank you for being here no it's good quite a while it's good it's good um okay i'm gonna ask you a bunch of just random questions to get us started are you ready okay okay i'm ready okay ready okay i'm ready whatever comes to your mind you're just gonna answer it ready okay how would your friends describe you in three words loyal psychotic funny love yeah what is your comfort movie the birds alfred hitchcock oh i know so hack right but i mean you know everybody's a couple of comfort movies but for some reason that movie gets you gets me gets you in your field and i know this is gonna be like over when this comes out but like i'm so crazy about wicked right now did you see it i haven't seen it yet okay everyone's gonna be like wicked this was yeah what year was this like it'll be kind of pregnant all like it's the wicked but yeah but obviously kind of pregnant's like the movie everyone's talking about but yeah it's the year i just needed to get it off my chest another oscar coming yeah um okay what is the craziest fan interaction you've ever had i guess them eating me out right i mean that's crazy that would definitely top the chart yeah i mean okay you know what i'm just gonna get right into this here okay okay and i've never said this anywhere okay but when i was sort of at my kind of peak like touring arenas whatever and I'll say it because this is where you say it were they a professional athlete sure did I text them like late at night and they came over went down on me and then I said I'm so tired I'm so sorry and they left yes and you know who you are not the look into the camera and that's happened a couple times and I'm not proud of it And I think like, you know, and the ambulance is good for this moment because this is like when I actually get actually canceled.

6:35No, but it's all about, you know, you want to be a giving lover and whatever, whatever. But at this moment, it was like, you know, some people like will blow a guy and that's the end of the night. So I kind of, you know, did it my way to quote Frank Sinatra. First of all, hold on. A professional athlete was a fan of yours. why is that so shocking no sorry no why i'm saying that it's not you know when you're young and you're in the spotlight you you know you you i mean i know look i know you ma 'am ma 'am no i'm more saying like was he at like a fan event no i've never i don't think i've ever been to a fan event but he was at a show he was at a show he was at a show can i ask of all the sports what sport and then we're moving on baseball have you had sex with my ex-boyfriend no and we didn't have sex oh right babe sorry sorry went down on me and then i yawned and was like it's been a i mean that's a moment in train wreck and that that's from real real life i love that so much for you no it's kind of amazing that's like a full circle moment i'm i'm appreciating that story right now that's good for caller daddy thank you for the tea you're welcome and like that's not you know the most popular move that gets the best response but that's the truth i kind of feel like that would keep them wanting way more i that i that's happened probably three times in my in my life when I was in my hay yeah okay and uh and what you know one of them was furious I remember and um and one of them was like totally fine with it and you know what the baseball player was pretty cool about it well because I guess like the furious makes sense because it's like wow are you saying I'm that bad like you're falling asleep no I think it's like I just made you come And now you're kicking me out.

8:21And I'm like, oh, my God, what does it feel like to be a woman? You know? And again, this mic is so heavy. No. Shut up. I know, but you're young. My bones are old and they're confused. What if you prop it up on the pillow? No. Okay. Okay. I'm glad we tried it. Hang on. Who would be your celebrity hall pass? Okay. Okay. I'm gonna say Either Christian Bale or Beyonce The range Yeah But I don't think I would get a hall pass I would give a hall pass You wouldn't get But I wouldn't get one No But it's good to like think about it Like it's I think it's even better when it's like a dream And like I don't know if you'd actually even want to do it Yeah Or Method Man How many can I have?

9:06You can have as many as you want Okay Method Man? Can I get my phone out? No Yeah yes yes and he knows and he knows and he's his beautiful wife and whatever and he's like so doesn't he's not interested yeah but why did he say something to you no well you know now that you say that wait can i ask who yours is specifically as the pirate johnny depp like as interesting as the pirate like i'm shocked with the you want the makeup i want the makeup jewelry's the hair yeah i want the little cloak like a little skirt right the whole thing yeah yeah yeah get those rings what is your most embarrassing interaction in hollywood oh my god so many so many so many so many um okay this is a long time ago but i was at an equinox flex get it and uh alec baldwin was there this is this is 25 years ago okay and he was getting he was getting water and i was behind him at the water fountain and i was like and i quoted glengarry glenross and i said water is for closers and i should have killed myself instantly i don't remember like i blacked out because it was so stupid i don't know if he acknowledged me but i am sorry did do you ever see him again yes yes he's been nothing but really nice to me did he remember that moment or no I don't think so he just I didn't I didn't I didn't I don't know I don't know I can't remember anything like do you do you do drugs yeah like I did but not anymore okay right good good no no I've never done cocaine I've never done ecstasy you've never done cocaine never cocaine never ecstasy mushrooms and weed you know I'm not like a mushroom girl you're not I don't know if I need like I'm worried it's gonna like affect my brain like in the morning I'm like that's smart okay no that's good because like it has I I'm like I won't remember what we talked about today you're not with us anymore no I am no longer with but at least you're still funny thank you um what is the craziest rumor you've ever heard about yourself um oh god so many uh like you know there's so much out there but about me oh well this is fun um at my wedding people magazine reported some celebrities who were there and they uh said that jennifer aniston was there and she was not there but my mom who is 75 said i think what happened it was no from behind i look exactly like jennifer aniston and i'm like you just had knee surgery and you're in your mid-70s you know but but i just said oh okay Oh, mom.

11:54So that was, yeah. That tells me a lot about your mom. That does tell you a lot about my mom. Yeah. We love your mom. Mom. I mean. I love a little deluge. I mean, I've got it, obviously. Obviously. I am so confused. Yeah, this is good. Okay. What is one of your biggest pet peeves? Okay, this is really controversial. Oh, why are you looking away from me? Because I'm already regretting saying it. Just go. And it's not really even a thing. Okay. It's not even a pet peeve. My pet peeve is men, but also, and I already said men, right? Yeah, you said men. Okay, I said men. My other, this is kind of like a fun little not really a pet peeve.

12:42Okay. Okay, I have a couple now that I'm going. You gotta go. Pickleball annoys me. Sorry. Have you ever played? No. Me either. I'm just hating from a distance. Me too. It's so loud. And if you can vape while you're playing the sport, is it a sport? And I don't like how a lot of people, and I don't know if you do this, so I'm so sorry. Just hit me. Okay. The way that I think especially people, I don't know, both coasts. Say it. Have turned the word and into like a 10-syllable word. Like and. And I'm like, what? Okay, I definitely don't do that. No, but do you know what I mean? I say and. Yeah, and.

13:24Like, and let's keep it fucking moving. Right, right, right. But. And. It starts E. They go and. Who the fuck are you hanging out with? No, you're going to notice it now. You're going to notice it now. I don't think I've ever noticed that. You're going to listen back to that. So we were at the store. And. Oh, I know what you're talking about. You know what I'm saying, right? When you put it in the context of that, done. Okay, I also agree with all of those things. and you haven't insulted me yet. So this is good. Which I'm fine if you roast me at some point in this interview. Don't hold back. But I hate pickleball too.

13:55Actually, I've never played it. So I can't say that. I've never played it either. That doesn't mean we can't hate it. Fuck that shit. Yeah. Okay. That doesn't mean. Right. Just play tennis. Everyone's just so smug and they've got their racket and they're like, and they look so happy. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just the joy that they're feeling. Yeah. And I'll never feel that joy. So, I mean, I guess that's what it's really about. If you play, let me know and I'll like go for the first time with you. okay great no but i'll like tear a meniscus or something and i like i just like when people are like you just hear these people like i got a pickleball injury and you're like that's it loser absolutely get on a boat and leave and guess who plays pickleball who my mom jennifer aniston jennifer aniston plays pickleball jennifer aniston you heard it here first What is the greatest length you've gone to get out of plans?

14:46Oh, this is fun. This is fun. So my dad is MS. He's in a wheelchair. Okay. What was the question? No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding. But I love that you're such a good interviewer. I am. May I give a compliment? Oh, sure. Of course. You're a great interviewer. Oh, my God. You haven't even gotten into it yet. No, no. I'm just lubing you up to get the phone. Oh, okay. Not based on today. Wait, let me just get some of the hands wet. No. So, but wait, what was I talking? Okay, so my dad. Your dad. So my dad. So I was starting to date this comedian. Okay. I don't know if he still does comedy, but this is, you know, 20 years ago.

15:24And we were supposed to work a weekend together at this club, like in the middle of nowhere. And I was like, and the way he like kissed me, like he like, it was like soap opera. Like he like had a real moment with me, you know, like slow. And I was like, I want to go home. And so I pretended like I didn't feel well. and then in the morning I texted my mom at like 5 a.m. and I was like in an hour call me and tell me that dad's in the hospital and so I'm laying next to this guy and so my mom who is a real gangster calls me goes your dad's in the hospital and the guy's still sleeping I'm trying to cry like I'm like oh my god what you know I have to leave on a plane you know so I think that's the biggest lie no no no do you ever feel guilty about like doing a lie when it has to do with actual illness like I think I like lied a couple times about my grandma dying and I like they're like again I was one of those people for a while but it was to like each different man so I was like this isn't like making headway like right to different people but then I started to be like oh fuck like someone's gonna die because I keep saying someone's fucking dying I know but whatever um Yeah, but no, my dad lives on.

16:35He will not die. Okay. He's with us. No, he is very much with us. But he did tell me the other day what he wants done with his ashes. Oh. And I don't remember. I need to write it down. Oh, wait. But this looks like a nice place. Is that an urn? No, no, no. But what he said was, I just want to be with you. And I'm like, I don't think I can commit to eternity with my dad right now. You know? Yeah, I think that's like a little much. Yeah. like I don't know I want to see what my sister's up to like I want to see what everybody else is doing like your husband yeah like what I'm just gonna be with my dad forever like me and my dad like that's it yeah I think you can kind of do one of those where you're like absolutely and you look him in the eye and then once he's gone flush his ashes right into the sea

17:25yeah I'll put him somewhere nice do you think the people that wear like ashes like around their neck her a little um um or do you do that i don't wear jewelry at all because it like i just feel weird it looks weird on me what i don't know it just looks weird on me yeah i'm nothing yeah do you say i'm nothing i'm nothing i have no i am not bejeweled anywhere not even an earring no i let my holes close including my vagina gone but the asshole ready to go really ready um okay we're currently in brooklyn in a random person's house i like literally have no idea where we are yeah so they'll come in at any moment and kick us out but until then what would you say is the most new york quality about you i think that i uh like don't give a fuck and that like just in terms of like on the subway or whatever i'll be like move in you know like this thing that like if it's just just in you and it's like i should be like trying to keep a low pro yeah but you know i just i can't and i'll just get you know involved in anything that goes on and that's what's nice about new york is like that especially public transportation everybody's like together the community aspect yeah yeah but yeah we does anyone ever be like fuck you amy schumer like at the fuck like what yeah no i mean yes but no like you know no no not really i feel like i'm like anonymous here in new york like no one cares and they're expecting to see you and they're almost like mad that it's either like this is a famous person we're running into you know can we get rihanna what the fuck they expect to see me they're like where were you we went to the 30 rock today yeah um okay you grew up in the city but you were born in long island no i was born in the city and then i grew up on okay yeah backwards sorry um how would you have described yourself as a kid I would say I think I'm exactly the same uh what what what is what am I now um I would say like my friends loyal psychotic and funny you were always psychotic I was always psychotic I was always just trying to make myself laugh oh that's nice you know like have a good time I mean and I would want to make my friends laugh and other people but it was really about I think just trying to you know combat boredom and just like have fun completely yeah entertain myself I need to picture you like in school like little Amy little Amy was voted the class clown classic and teacher's worst nightmare but I was I played volleyball okay so I was pretty serious about volleyball so I wasn't like doing theater but I did start plays when I was five but then I got real into volleyball and you're soccer right I you did your research don't you like when someone's like I guess I looked at Wikipedia and feels like a hero we did you want to be like an actress growing up or did you want to be like a pro volley well I was like actress but I got really into volleyball and then I had a bad surfing accident oh and so I was taken out for the season and I I I don't know if I could have played d1 but I was definitely going to play in college.

20:36You were going somewhere. Somewhere. But I couldn't you couldn't play volleyball and do the plays. So then you leaned into theater. Majored in theater. OK. What was the most unhinged thing you did at school? You're the class con like you're fucking shit up. Oh, God. I mean, I ran for I believe I ran for president of student council as a freshman. That'll that'll put a target on your back just to make a speech. And but I could be getting it it might have been junior high but I believe it was I believe it was I believe it was high school and I just I made a speech and it was all lies I talked about growing up on a farm in Iowa I would you know if there was a bake sale I would bring in a ton of toast you know and like have a sign like toast like I just was an idiot and just like thought I was so funny we that the confidence it takes if it was freshman year to go for president and seniors are looking at you like you fucking piece of shit back up yeah like where did you get confidence from like that i know i don't know i really think my parents lied to me so much and i just believed it and then when i found out they were lying i was too late and i had this like inner confidence and it was just too late it couldn't be shaken it couldn't wait are either of your parents funny yeah my dad they're both funny My dad's really funny.

21:54My mom is like is funny too. In a good way. Yeah. I say that in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, they're they're both really funny. He's he's hilarious. How would you describe your social life? So you're funny. Like did people like the funny kid or were you like alienated? No friends. I was cool. Sorry. No, I was I was cool. Like things weren't like easy. I had major trauma and stuff when I was like 12, you know, which I'm totally happy to talk about but yeah yeah because I know your life kind of flipped upside down around like 10. Yeah yeah my dad got MS and we went bankrupt like we had money we were comfortable yeah and then we were like poor and my parents got a divorce and my mom started dating my friend's father like it was a whole nightmare and I you know I really I really was traumatized and didn't think I was traumatized you know of course and then no it was really hard but I still had a boyfriend I was still like making jokes and yeah you know going out and popular and that kind of shit to go from like being comfortable to then all of a sudden having your parents go bankrupt do you remember that conversation like how did you find out because usually that's an overnight thing right where everyone's like um it was overnight it from what i remember it was like um i mean we went from like living in what i would consider like a mansion you know by real housewives standards not not decorated well or anything but a big house with a pool and whatever to a like you know maybe two bedroom tiny home or like we moved every year and we lived we would live in someone's basement or someone's attic and that kind of stuff and what happened like well it was like I really feel like that part of it was all good and so you know I can make fun of my mom and whatever but I never you know I had I always had like this sounds bad but I was gonna say we always like had somewhere to live we always had food I was never like embarrassed of my outfit and like you know because also my friends didn't have any money yeah which was nice like none of us were dressed well none of us had a nice car or a car you know it was so there was no like class distinction or anything and I was just like you know wanted I just my mom says that I was embarrassed of our new house like that I asked the school bus like I I don't know something where I was like can you drop me off somewhere else um I don't remember that but I don't remember the loss of money being anything that I really felt just like the relocation yeah do you remember how it was explained to you like how your parents lost all the money I don't remember that I think it's just it's you know like trying to the revisionist history that each of my parents give like I really can't tell what's true of course you know that is like so disorienting when you become an adult because you're like which one of you is a compulsive liar right and am I gonna do that to my children one day yeah and like are we all just completely remembering things in the way that allowed us to just move on well it's yeah you're right it's it's it's really disorienting and and destabilizing because you're just like is any of what I was told true I don't at all know I don't I don't feel like I know anything about where about my actual past can I ask you because I know you mentioned it earlier like the your mom sounds amazing don't you love the preface don't you love when like live for her she's the greatest jennifer go jen i will say it's so funny having like public platforms because my parents are always like we love how you just like talk about us and i'm like well it's my fucking life sorry um i love the no socks did you wear no socks with those shoes yeah well i live really close to here and then i'll just like go home and like you know and i wanted to show off my no my feet You're really a bummer right now.

26:10You don't wear socks with shoes? No, I usually do. I usually do. What happened this morning? I just, I mean, I just like came over here. It took 13 minutes in a car, you know? So, yeah, so no socks. Do you do that often? If it's like I'm just going to be out for a little bit, yeah. How does that strike you? Like, is that, are you like your feet are cold or? One feet cold. Is a nude foot like. Do you not even have nail polish on there? no look at my nails okay look at my look at like okay your hand is my hand is shaking okay exhausted you guys from holding the mic i'm panting back to your mother oh yeah sorry so your mom had an affair with your best friend's dad right how was that told to you it was told to me like um we're in love I'm for the first time in love with someone um I realize I've never been in love before and um and and I was like conditioned to be like well I'm so happy for you go girl you deserve happiness I love you so much like you know just kind of you know brainwashed to worship your parent your mom and um and vilify my dad and so i was just kind of like i got you you know did you stay friends with that friend we tried but no did they end up like living together ever like your mom and the guy like did it ever go viral they they were they they were together i think for like two months oh oh quick yeah like almost destroy like a family and then like you know I met someone new and like and now I really know what love is like 10 times god bless her love she is so self-aware and we are in a good place love but yeah and you know what and I really like judged her when I when I was 30 because I kept crazy journals I read back from you know from 12 to 21 I kept these journals and I'm like oh my god this woman you know and then but now that I'm a mom and I'm around the age she was I'm like look you don't know I know okay like there's a lot of fucked up shit that goes on yeah she kept a roof over our heads I don't know that's true I also feel like when you get to that age like again like they're you're told such different things because you don't know really what's going about behind the scenes and your mom and your dad's relationship and all these things and now that you're like married and you have a child you're like oh i'm seeing it a little bit more clearly not that you would do that but it puts things unless one of my son's like friends has a dad that's like at all even a little interested then we're fucking popping over go are you someone that typically handles bad news well like do you like black out are you people pleasing are you like i handle it i handle it well i i handle like kind of emergencies and that kind of stuff like i stay very chill just know that everything you're asking me in my mind i'm like and you and you you're not asking me a fucking question this is about you we only got a certain amount of time like we are focused on amy is someone coming in here after me no oh my god i only do one basically like a week i gotta be i gotta be lubed up for you you are my beauty rest for you you're not like on the casting couch and we're not rotating this shit it's you did you look up my favorite porn yeah now i feel attacked that's your favorite porn no no no but i had a phase with that sure oh you did yeah sure what's your favorite porn uh well the thing is and i was hoping this would come up yeah i figured um i i feel like i can't say it because you know a lot of porn is like from real life situations that go awry and then and then i'm getting a massage or i'm in a car or I'm whatever.

30:16And I don't want like the driver or the, you know, I don't want them. You know, you have to live your real life. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I'll tell you later. Okay. Yeah. You don't want anyone to get the right idea. Is podcast porn a thing? They should make that where it's like, you're like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, Amy, give me that. Yeah. But give me your bare foot. You start massaging your foot mid interview.

30:55you are one of the most successful women obviously in comedy when were you like i'm turning this shit into a fucking career let's go right i well i didn't start saying until after college i was 23 um and i did not even think about the possibility of making a living from it but the first time i got a college gig and they were like we're paying you eight hundred dollars for one hour and i ran oh my god around my apartment do it like laps around my apartment like it's like the best feeling i've ever felt i was like well i feel this good if i ever have a baby um and as someone who's had a baby no no okay and i was like oh my god for an hour eight hundred dollars it was a gig it was so far upstate colleges pay well and it was so far upstate new york that it was like you flew into canada and just no one else wanted to do it so i got it and uh yeah and then i was like oh my god if i can just make a living doing this that's all i want but then you know you you start you get there and you go what's next what's next what's next and so yeah and then And like, you know, I really want to try and make a lot of money.

32:09We after the roast of Charlie Sheen, I'd like that was like you're obviously like a huge moment. That was big on your Wikipedia. At least that's what it reads. How often are you back? Babs is here. I'm fucking dead. How often are you using your roasting skills? Like, are you someone like fucking roasting your friends? Yeah. like my yeah your best friends like that's all you do we just trash each other the whole time uh but yeah my friends yeah but really like I wouldn't do that to an audience again I wouldn't do a roast again why I just was young and like didn't realize that people's feelings really get hurt oh you know I mean that's so that sounds so stupid but it was like you know and especially when you're starting out you just think okay these people are so famous I'm a completely unknown comedian who cares what I say but then you know like oh that probably really did hurt that person's feelings or something you think well I know it hurts people's feelings but I also feel like there's been like a random rise again and like the Netflix specials are roasts and people are roasting and people are like liking it like obviously we saw Nikki Glaser had like a huge moment because people were like oh my god like keep fucking roasting oh my god she killed no I love watching roasts and they're so funny I just don't like I couldn't do it because hard I don't I absolutely go for like the jugular bring a gun to a knife fight but also um I don't know like I just feel and with the audience I wouldn't you know I used to be like if you're gonna like heckle me or something like you're gonna be handed your ass and and now I'm like it's just better to diffuse it yeah and and you know I think just from therapy and maybe becoming a mom you're like I kind of want like peace yeah like I I don't I will not feel better if I hurt you but you're good at it good to know it's in your arsenal like oh but but hold on with my husband if we're talking shit about other people like you know you could not every night the worst people in the whole world i wish i could like be a fly on the wall disgusting human beings isn't it the best where you're like no i am a good person but the shit i say with my husband oh god it's so yeah i mean that's i think that's why we i think that's why we click so much it's just the evil yeah working beneath obviously comedy is like such a male dominated industry not to get too fucking deep here they're all male dominated industries every single one yeah we're talking about comedy today but any other industry that you pick up yes it is male dominated at all times but yours happens to be comedy so we're going to talk about the men in that industry yes um did you ever have an experience like that was so obvious to you where you were like wow i'm literally not being taken and as seriously because I don't have a dick.

34:56I would say only every single day, all day, every moment of every single day, every day, all day. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yes. It's so sad. It is sad. And I would love to say something different, but the only thing to do is be in the highest position of power and call the shots because the second you're in somebody else's you know um I was almost a ballroom I'm like I don't I don't know why are you in a ballroom but it's just if you're not at the and even when you are yeah at the top of the food chain it's still it's it's there's no relief and and um i i've and any woman that you think might have it different does not at all and at no point ever yeah well what's there's like some glorious item quote yeah it's like any woman who'd like i'm gonna butcher it but like who decides to you know live an interesting life or something will be treated as a cruel joke and she'll need her sisterhood and and i'm sorry because i butchered it but no no the concept i get it and i wish it wasn't like that and i god damn i wish it wasn't like no it is like it's i appreciate you saying that yeah as sad as it is you're like every day every waking minute of my fucking life like i want to be one time a promoter but i'm like no every second of every day every set every everything and how sad that like we are in these privileged positions and i'm like wow like i'm like a privileged white woman and i fucking feel it all the time like can you i everyone just thinks that women at at any point might lose it and they're just waiting for you and so every day it's like memento you have to like start over uh-huh and and remind everyone that you're in your position for a reason every day every day and i just want to say this since you asked every year you're in like a chain like a whatsapp chat or a text chain with the other moms in class i mean without with the other parents and then they pick they designate class moms you know they go like and they and they haven't changed it to be pc they haven't made to class parents okay that's mom it's class moms because the moms are the ones handling shit and communicating and we text and we never and then once in a while like a dad will pop in there and we'll be like rick are you lost you know like the moms are really getting things done right and and i just like think like i want people at home to imagine like imagine if your dad one year was in charge of planning your birthday party i wouldn't have had no okay your dad is like i'm gonna handle it this year okay any dad is like i got it and or or anything or planned anything they like communicate they can't and i think this is and and men are in charge of the world it's terrible the world and that's why we're in so many wars i think that it's not even on purpose I think probably these men were probably just trying to plan a birthday party right someone quote that that's gonna be like on the internet like no you're right you know what I'm saying it's so true and it's really I appreciate you saying this because I was gonna ask you that today because obviously like the state of our world we don't need to get into it because it's like we would be here for 19 hours and we would start crying yeah literally kill ourselves but But I think especially as women, it's interesting because I've had people ask me like advice and in some capacity, I try as fucking hard as I can.

39:02But I'm also like, like I mentioned earlier, we're privileged. And on top of that, like it literally hasn't gotten that much better. If anything, it's like people do it like sneakier around me, but I'm still experienced like misogynistic fucks that are like essentially criticizing me for X, Y, Z or saying stuff about like oh if she if she ever talked about sex then she's just like forever a whore like I feel like at one point people really tried to pin you as just like a sex comic every every woman is like a whore what woman is what woman like steps out of into the spotlight and is not just like you're a whore and you're a whore it's just the level of whoriness but why do you think men are so frustrated when women talk about sex i think they're afraid of women and they're afraid i i really do i think i think i think men are terrified of women i think they're it goes back to how they feel about their moms i think they feel guilty about their mom i mean we all feel guilty about our moms yeah and and just scared at everything we've ever seen all the old movies all the books all the you know it's like it's all from the guy's point of view it's all the male gaze a slow pan up from her heel it's and it's just starting to get better and so if i were to say to gloria stein i'm like what the hell she'd be like it's so much better than it was but what it was was that not that long ago you needed you know your husband to get a credit card and we couldn't vote we couldn't vote and like you know here we are and here we are and here we are yeah losing rights by the day um in your dating life did you ever feel like because you were in the beginning so open about talking about sex did you ever feel like guys had specific expectations of you if you were going to hook up with them because of how open you were about bedroom stuff that's a good question I don't think they did I I think they could tell I was full of shit you know I remember in college I would kind of try to talk a big game and be like really confident in like you know may west or maybe a more up-to-date reference and then we would like i would go home with them i remember i went home with this guy one time and he had like i don't know like pit bulls or doverman pinch i don't know he had these like dogs and he was like just i think he had like an ankle bracelet on you know like he was on parole or something and like we were and we're like kissing and like we're like in the laundry room of my dorm and it was like it just all happened so quick and I was like naked and and I was like I am in way over my head I am not this experience sexually I have been completely bullshitting this guy trying to like act like I know something and yeah I still but no nobody ever yeah he knew I was full of shit too he probably just wanted those are the worst moments where you're there and you're like wait I was bluffing I don't actually like this.

41:59Like I was like trying to say a big game and like, please stop. I'm actually super vulnerable and scared of your penis. Terrified. Behind closed doors, like in your 20s and 30s, how did you like what was your relationship to your sex in your body? 20s and 30s. I think like I remember the first time when I was a teenager and my first boyfriend was like fingering me or something and I was like wet and I was really embarrassed and I thought it was a bad thing so I kept going to the bathroom and like wiping it up you know I had no idea and uh and then in college I think I was so drunk all the time like I I just I feel like my self esteem was super low because I went to Towson University and like that was like number one for playboy for hottest women that year and are you serious so I was just like an actual troll with like the physique of Brian Cox.

42:55And I was like, you know, like I just look like an MMA fighter and, you know, I'd have to wait, you know, like I would black out. And so I, you know, I didn't even think about like trying to have an orgasm probably until I was, I probably didn't have the confidence to, to try and have the, the guy make me come until I was like in my thirties. Which I think is like probably more normal than not. Like I'm telling you, there are so many women that message me and are like, I literally have no, I don't, I don't feel anything. And I'm like, it's because like half of the time when you go to have sex for the first time, the guy is enjoying it.

43:34No woman is having an orgasm the first time or second time they're having sex. Like you don't know what you're doing. So I think that's like a normal thing to say. I have never come from penetration, ma 'am. it's a scary thing to say out loud no it's not i mean it's scary because nobody talks about it you know because we're all like you know getting an oscar but getting an oscar but no i i you know i've had generous partners who understand like that you know i need to orgasm first and i know you subscribe to that 100 on your wikipedia it says to make her come is that the third line or the fifth which one was that again no listen I get it like I think in the early days of my show I used to talk so openly like over the top openly that maybe it made some people uncomfortable but it was like almost like trying to go above and beyond to normalize it for women because it's not normalized for women right so I appreciate you saying that because I think there's so many women that are going to listen to this not that you need to be like the advocate for like no coming through penetration but it's it makes people really mad it does it makes me well i mean not about me but like oh shoot there was this documentary about this woman who had um uh she was doing all these studies and was like shoot do you have an information person no yeah we can google the height report the height report or the kite report the kite report the height or the kite very different but could be the height report and the height report and she was like she was reporting on women's real sexual experiences and like giving feedback and she was like completely of course shunned and of course had to like move to europe which is what we do with all of our famous shun people like do you pull your dick out when no one wants that go to europe no i appreciate you saying that i think there's a lot of people that have experienced that and I am absolutely not coming every time whatsoever from penetration, but my vibrator does the trick.

45:35God bless. God bless.

45:53Okay. When do you feel you're most confident? On stage. doing stand-up I think that's amazing is it yeah you feel your most what if I was like as a mom no I'm like okay um yeah because I'm like you know it's like you're playing a little bit of a part you know even though my like stage persona is pretty close to who I am yeah it's still like you're in charge and empowered and you know whatever when obviously like I think every again woman in the industry I'm not saying men don't experience it but women obviously like tenfold like there's so much conversation about the way we look and who we are and our bodies and all the conversations and people feel so inclined to be like I have so many thoughts about it which is fucking insane um was there ever a point around like the conversation around like how you looked like impacted your self-worth I mean it hurts to have a lot of hate thrown at you from the internet it doesn't feel good I was definitely coming up in comedy when it was you know the height of like people on the internet like letting you know giving giving me feedback um yeah and I I don't know I have always I have always thought I've always felt hot I've got to say it I've always felt hot and then you have moments where you know you look in the mirror and you're like i'm shrek and then but like it's like it's like i have a little secret that i'm like i'm secretly hot you know what i mean and i've always had that and i don't know i'm 43 i'll see we'll check in um i think that's in a couple years when we're both living in europe yeah yeah true oh fuck this interview like everyone's like get the fuck out no i think that's like really great to hear because i i you can almost see when specific women that are public figures because those are the only people we get to watch unless you're like staring at your neighbor um like a freak um there you can tell when someone's going through it you can tell when like everyone is picking her part everyone is and I'm always like god damn this is not natural I wonder how she's doing so it's nice to hear that you're like I'm fucking hot bitch I like I believe that I'm hot you are when I was going through I guess it was like a year ago and the internet really came for me after doing a bunch of press and um and I was like okay everybody like relax but then I was like but but then like doctors were chiming in in the comments and they were like no no we think you like something's really up like your face looks so crazy that we think something's up and I'm like I'm like wait I'm getting trolled by doctors you know and they were like we think you have something called cushing and it's like about spiking cortisol like about you know cortisol levels and you know steroids you know injection whatever and I was like wait okay I was like fuck off and then I was like wait I have been getting steroid injections um for my um in my scars um god here you know you're everybody in your audience is gonna want to fuck me um um I had a breast reduction you know c-section whatever and I'm like you know and so I got these was getting these steroid injections and so it gave me this thing called cushing syndrome which i wouldn't have known if the internet hadn't come for me so hard so right before i started filming kind of pregnant um which you guys have to check out on netflix we're getting there i was uh like before right before we started rolling was when i learned i had this condition and that i had something called moon face and then there's just i'm starring in a movie and there's a camera right in my face and I'm like and they're like rolling and I'm like oh my god and uh you know I asked some of the people close to me and everyone's like you look great you know but then you have like your one friend from high school that's like your face is looking like a little bit insane and you're like okay I love you yeah and so anyway I got rid of like it just has to work itself out there are two there are two kinds of cushioning where in one of them you could die oh my god so for like 24 hours i was like i'm dead yeah so i was feeling really down on myself before i started filming this movie i am so sorry but i'm happy that you're okay thank you um but i want to say something else yeah i was feeling so down on myself and i was like really having trouble figuring out how i was going to star in a movie while i had this going on and it just took one friend who this girl lorraine who lives in new orleans um who's a director lorraine cafferty she uh she was like you know what and you know i think you look fucking great and you're gonna like she just and i just needed one person to just amp me up and i you know right here like let's go which is also did you see the movie young adult no oh with charlie's throw on wait no okay you have to see this movie okay anyway that's just i don't want to spoil the end for you but i'll watch it you know you just need one person to be like go i think that's like really incredible but you did the fucking toe i can't i can't wait are you like chelsea handler like you get grossed out by feet well oh it's just that i don't have a like a pedicure no i don't give a shit about the pedicure i'm just shocked you don't have socks on that's my only note and then i'm gonna keep because of the cold no because like who the fuck shows up to an interview with no socks on and shows up also with sneakers on with no socks on okay but ma 'am you also are dressed like you're in hospice so like why like but why so why you copied me i did i couldn't i didn't know how quick i wanted to come here i mean that's it you dress like you're in hospice and i love it it's like yeah cozy it's so cozy come on um can we talk about your husband i'd love to chris chris and he's a chef yep okay is it true that if you are married to a chef like they never cook for you because they're cooking all the time no that's that's not true oh my god i have to tell my friend who literally is married to a chef and she's like it just sucks because he never cooks for me he literally hates you wait oh my god oh my god yeah no your friend's husband hates her oh my god they just got engaged well that's gonna that's gonna be called off that's fucked up he doesn't cook for her i know he's too he does it so much like he's tired this is this is like and And Chris knows who it's like, I can never leave him.

52:21Yeah. Like what, what, what am I going to do? Yeah. You're indebted to him. Yeah. He's what's the main dish. That's the thing. It's always, yeah. He's so last night he made shrimp pad Thai, but also, you know, I keep in the back of my head, you know, for a rainy day. Yeah. I can just get takeout. Okay. But no, um, you know, when you're in fights and he's like, well, then I won't cook. and you're like i'm already on door dash i have never yelled at him i can just get takeout but i am keeping that tucked in the pocket kind of iconic yeah no we uh like we get along like we're just like toxic together and you know those are the best relationships yeah um when obviously you're like very famous and yeah thank you yeah still at the height you know i try to remind him yeah like you're a big fucking deal yeah he's like can you why don't you go in and i'm like i'm like very famous and he's like okay he just is not interested he he doesn't care i was gonna say like what does he think of this fucking chaos no it's like the same with my son or my husband it's like your mom and you're my wife like i like i you know i think sometimes he'll try to empathize with it uh-huh uh he doesn't care he doesn't give a shit he doesn't care he's been around he like grew up on martha's vineyard oh so he's so rich no it's like on martha's vineyard there's like the rich people and then there's like the people that work for the rich people and that was him and that was him and and you know there's a nice community when like and i feel lucky that i grew you know grew up most of my life like very like without any money because you know chris had to really hustle to make it as a chef i had to really hustle to make it like didn't have a relative to ask for a hundred dollars yeah and um so but he did grow up with like some famous friends and oh that's kind of nice wait how old is your child i want to say five yeah he's five and a half we have you shown him any of your movies he has seen trolls three okay which i did a voice in yeah and he has seen the moment in train wreck when i fall like when I try to dunk and he's he came in a lot when I was editing kind of pregnant what does he think is like mommy he's like he thinks that the stunts are funny he does um yeah like the Zamboni scene do you understand that I don't think he saw the Zamboni scene why not too aggressive probably it probably would have scared him it's a little much yeah The first couple hits were good.

54:55And then when you guys took out the whole like sidecar of the restaurant, I was like, Jesus. That was I have to be honest and just say that that was not that was not written by me, that part. And also the part in Trainwreck where I come out and dance was not my idea either. It wasn't? No, this is this is that's the male intervention. It was kind of funny. We'll give them that. Yeah. The Zamboni was funny. Yeah. um okay and also thank you for just like telling everyone the end of my movie no it's the beginning of the movie fuck cut this cut this something crazy happens on a samboni no nobody would nobody would remember no no no and it's not too like no well i mean you know not to just quickly because i know you've talked about this before but um you talked about how your husband has autism how did you guys like decide to be public about that not that you shouldn't I'm just curious like it's kind of I didn't ask him no I'm just kidding um just one night well we were the way it happened was I was gonna document making this special okay stand-up special and then I found out I was pregnant and we're like okay great that'll be part of the doc and then I was so sick um I had something called hyper hyper emesis gravidarum which this is good anybody listening if you have severe nausea and vomiting and everyone's going it's the first trimester and you're like i don't know hyper emesis gravidarum that's a word wait hyper hyper emesis gravidarum so say like slow slow hyper no hyper hyper it means like a lot i know what you know emesis means means nausea Emesis?

56:42Emesis. Emesis means vomiting. I just wanted you to say it slow so I could say it with you. Hyper emesis gravidarum. Gravidarum. I feel like we're in like the craft and we're like, Hyper emesis gravidarum. Like we're going to make this spell. But yes. And they really underdiagnose everything with women. Of course. Including endometriosis. Hello. You're not supposed to have vile cramps. Classic. That's not normal. it usually takes 10 years to get a diagnosis for endometriosis fucking insane anyway you sum things up yep it's not just normal you're not being dramatic anyway and then my husband was on the spectrum no I'm just kidding so then um after we were married like a couple months he would just do things where I'd be like it would be such a different response than I was that like sort of we were used to you know one time I fell and you know it's like everybody would be like are you okay you know and he would just kind of like like just stare you know and it was like oh and uh and he would also just say things in front of people it's part of what I fell in love with was that he'd be like you know why is your like outfit so weird are you you know and uh says exactly what he thinks and I was like would you be interested I just did like a little online test just me and uh and I was like oh for my test I was like he's on the spectrum and I said to him would you be interested in learning more about your brain like would you want to find out if you were on the spectrum and he was like yeah that's a nice also way to like approach something yeah and he uh had he said like no i would have been like all right but he went and he was tested and um yeah and like and it's it's been amazing like it's it's been amazing for him yeah and for me it's like but it's because it's public and there aren't many adults out yeah like everyone's like quiet about it because there's such a stigma so it's you know i think he's like really cool and brave that he's like out there like yeah and and how many and like how many people do you know where you're like this person's on the spectrum who cares they're like my favorite people i agree like i think it's nice obviously it's not like his burden to bear to be like the poster child but like right it's nice I agree because there are so many people but it's like there's a stigma around it which there shouldn't be no it's it's stupid and I remember when I was a kid people were embarrassed about ADHD and now like people that's the second thing they'll tell you about themselves of course you know and so I just I hope that it gets more normalized and like and I you know I feel like he's done his part and um I think it's great yeah great and you know what I like you know he of course annoys me and like there are days where I like you know want to kill him but we I would still choose him out of everyone I've ever met um yeah I love it and not just because he's a chef but god that doesn't hurt and someone you can talk shit with done um can we talk about your new movie even though I ruined the entire ending yes I'm gonna cut it yes did you have any more spoilers you wanted to I'm gonna go through the entire movie um no I was cackling I was saying to everyone this morning I'm like I it was so nice seeing you lead another movie because you are so physically funny comedy wise like no the way you that sounds so creepy but like move your body and you're just like very very physically funny and that is like a hard thing to do obviously you're like verbally funny yeah but you're just so fucking good that's so nice and it's an honor to sit on this couch with you oh my god this is such a nice couch um no when i saw this like suede ass couch i said yes no that's really nice because i haven't i haven't starred in a movie in a while this script was sent to me you know and like i'm like a little snot like i won't do you know i'm like for me to like give that much time and energy to something i have to be into it and i was like i think this is a really good idea a woman faking a pregnancy is so insane yeah and uh and i just there was like the backbone was there like the skeleton was there to like you know i to to to shape a bunch of it and you know i like i'm trying to just show women having fun and being equals you know and like female friendships and so it was like that was also there for me and clearly the point of the movie like it's you know it's described as a rom-com and it is but it kind of isn't it's like more about like the the love story of the friendships so the entire movie is like hilarious it's like every single scene i feel like just keeps ramping up ramping up like the knife in the child scene i was like oh wait now this movie no one's gonna see it because it's like no no when you stab no i said no i didn't say that i said knife in the child scene yeah yeah but do you now hear it out loud and like see that knife yeah yeah like it's a horror film no no it is one of the funniest scenes no children are stabbed in this movie he's holding a knife okay okay just like they're like amy shimmer goes on call her daddy and they talk about there is no child gets um stabbed no child is that child holding knife funny funny scene funny funny child knife not seen seen and seen and seen um but one of my favorite like themes in the movie is the fact that these women it's all about timelines and I feel like that is the most fucking realistic conversation I have on the show so often it's like everyone comparing like the timeline here and oh you're having a baby but I'm not engaged yet but you're divorced and oh my god and I'm single and I want kids or I'm doing IVF or I can't get pregnant like there's so much and the reason that we get anxious is because we're looking around and we're like where am I where am I like how do I always asking you it's insane how do you think this movie does a good job of like kind of embodying the concept of like stop constantly comparing yourself to other people around you yeah I think you know this movie is about a like I think my character's Lainey and she when she's a little girl loses her mom and is just like doesn't want to be alone so she's like has the idea of like wants a lot of family around her and I didn't have a lot of family around me as a kid and I connected to that and I would my friends would have like big families and I would kind of go and hang with them and be like oh one day I want a family and like she just thinks that's a way to not be alone and then um you know realizes that you're I mean for me my my favorite times are with my girlfriends and like laughing and having a dinner or whatever my I'm really close with my girls from home and and my friends that I've made since I've been older and like that's where a lot of my joy comes from um I don't ever say joy in real life so I feel like just because I'm on this couch can you just like believe can you voice over and have someone say something I would say like joy like what um wow wow wow wow wow but my good my good vibes and having fun you know it's like I love joyful yeah I love my family um but you know you're girls yeah no it's so true and I feel like also as you get older especially with kids or someone that's not having kids like there feels like there can be this disparity within friendships where I have so many women right and being like oh my god I I like I feel like I'm getting disconnected to my friend because she just got married and I'm single and I'm like I so get that that could be a feeling yeah but that who gives a shit where you're each at like the reason you're friends is because you like each other as human beings yeah and I think I was the last one of my friends like to have a kid yeah and I didn't I was not someone who was like always knew she wanted to be a mom and uh yeah it was until chris was literally like we're gonna have a family and i was like oh um but i am also like if if you were like if someone's like should i have kids i'm like probably not you know like it's not looking good you know things aren't looking good so right i just i think it's and also i think people get intimidated if you haven't like ever spent time around little kids you you feel confused and so your friends can kind of alienate themselves because they're like okay I don't understand this and I don't understand children but you know you don't you love your friends and you want them to be a part of your life and but you don't want them to be uncomfortable it's like I would love for my friends who don't have kids to like be in my life or my child's life um but because you but then it's like you have a kid you you understand that I don't need you don't like you don't need your friends to phone over your kid you you have such a good thing with your kid yeah and you know they're cute and you know they love you so you don't you don't need and I think people think oh I'm supposed to play some other role yeah like I'm like you don't even need to mention like the kid's name but I'll I'll be like obsessed with some of my friend's kids and like right you know they're but but then also like I don't remember all their names and like it's like you have your own like you're like I'm good me and my kid are good like yeah you know and but but really I'm not like if someone were like you know I just don't feel like everybody has to have kids no and that's what I was gonna say like I feel like people can read the room better if you are a mother and you know your friend has been struggling and whether she can't have kids or she doesn't want to have kids stop being the one being like let me just show you one more photo like that's sick knock it off my every one of my friends I would say I would say like almost 100 % of my friends have had miscarriages and and I feel like lucky that we all like yeah feel comfortable sharing that with each other yeah because like it's so painful and you know whatever I'm like gonna say people don't talk about it but they do because I've heard people say they don't talk about it but I just feel like it's the it's the most sensitive thing I think for any woman like that's the most painful thing I can imagine yeah and I feel like your your movie though brings light to what is a very sensitive topic and I I found a lot of like I don't know I just enjoyed it because yes there is so much negative around it of like you we aren't allowed to talk about this and then it's like oh we're bitching if we talk about it too much but if we don't open up about it then we're not honest and real and like there's just so much that goes into being a fucking woman like we've talked about this entire episode um and i promise i'm wrapping up but um i think i'm having the best time you are you are did you have a good time yeah like are you gonna leave here and be like i'm gonna leave here and be like i feel like i just hung out with a good friend i hope that's not embarrassing no no no i i was so vulnerable at the beginning of this telling you i was like kind of like a fucking fan and i'm like dming you like a creep and now so nice now we have like cred like now if i dm you you're gonna answer me not in like three years you'll that's right you'll answer tomorrow no two years amy schumer thank you for coming and call her daddy thanks for having me you're amazing